Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 24th March

Episode Date: April 21, 2023

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Sarah Keyworth, Ian Smith, Gemma Arrowsmith, Luke Kempner and Hugh Davis. And this is... The Now Show! APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Thank you. And this week was the 20th anniversary of the start of the Iraq war, an event which many people see as the start of the fall in trust in experts and official sources that continues to this day. And thinking about Iraq does make you realise how much the standard of our political scandals has been diminished. 20 years ago, you had... We have strong evidence that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction.

Now, that's a proper political porky, right? The sort of thing worth marching over. In 2008, we had... There is no problem within the banking system. Baseless nonsense pre-empting economic collapse. In 2016, we were told... Leaving the EU will make food cheaper and the whole country better off. Now, you see, these are facts that didn't quite stand the test of time,

but on big topics that affected us all, how did we get from that to what we are now reduced to? I didn't know it counted as a party! I didn't know it counted as a party. I mean, even Donald Trump's scandals are weightier than that. Well, certainly inciting a riot and election interference are anyway. The Stormy Daniels one is a bit flimsy.

Some people think Trump might actually benefit from being charged with criminal offences. It might win over voters who feel he doesn't really believe in anything. I say to those voters, in future you can judge me on the strength of my convictions. So, the past caught up with lots of people this week.

Trump waiting for the knock at the door. His great friend President Putin issued with a warrant by the ICC. Although, why the International Cricket Council need to see him... I don't really know. On top of that, the Metropolitan Police were censored for their utter inability to change, and Boris Johnson was finally called to account over Partygate. The basic defence, after eight months and £200,000 worth of taxpayers' money

for legal advice, is that he did mislead Parliament, but he didn't mean to. Now, we don't have £200,000 worth of legal advice, but we do have Wikipedia, which says... In law, ignoratia juris non excusat is a legal principle holding that a person who is unaware of a law may not escape liability for violating that law merely by being unaware of its content. Particularly if it's a law they made. A law they made and announced on television.

Boris also got to write a 52-page dossier to justify his actions. The rule in politics seems to be that the word dossier is always a red flag. I did not intentionally or recklessly mislead Parliament. I took the word of my closest advisers. Let me make this as clear as I can. Saddam Hussein is developing weapons of mass destruction. Sorry, that last bit must have been left in the photocopier. And let us be clear for listeners,

there is no WMD in the Partygate scandal, although inspectors did identify bottles of WKD in some of the photos. Because although there aren't that many direct parallels, both the Iraq War and Partygate did have the same end result, regime change. I'm Rishi Sunak, Your Majesty. I would like to accede to your request to form a government. Thank God for this.

The previous one. Crease eyes. See, that's the other parallel. Between the old and the new regimes, there was a short interim government. I will deliver a bold plan to cut taxes and grow our economy. No, no, that's her. Look at the crazed eyes.

Like Camilla's when I told her Harry's wife was coming to the coronation. What will happen if Boris is subsequently found to have misled the House is also unclear. He could be suspended from the Commons for ten days, although they'll almost certainly try and avoid a by-election in Uxbridge, or, given the size of his majority, a bye-bye election. He could also be given a fine for misleading the House,

although this sanction hasn't been imposed on anyone since 1666. Yes, it's true. 1666, when one fateful morning in September at PMQs, the Prime Minister was asked the question, can you smell burning? Meanwhile, as mentioned, Donald Trump claimed he was going to be arrested this week for the first of his three possible indictments, the one involving his alleged payment to Stormy Daniels,

or as he now charmingly refers to her... Stormy Horseface Daniels. A degree of misogyny which prompts the question... Mr Trump, do you work for the Metropolitan Police? On Tuesday, the day Trump thought he'd be arrested, he called for protests and the New York police ordered all of its officers to wear their uniforms. Police officers who may not be so keen to wear their uniforms this week

include the Met, which has been devastatingly criticised in a report by Baroness Casey, who described the organisation as... Institutionally sexist, racist and homophobic. The response of the force to the Baroness was immediate. They said... Shut it, sweet cheeks. Of course, these accusations have been made for years. Eventually, if they can't change the culture,

they may have just to incorporate it. The call signs will have to be updated. Sarge, there's a heist going on in Hendon. Right, what cars have we got on the area? We've got just the one. Get him on the radio. Roger, this is Foxtrot Alpha Male Bastard. Foxtrot Alpha Male Bastard.

Come in, homophobe, sexist, wolf whistle. This is homophobic, sexist, wolf whistle over. What's up? I need you to get to Church Road, Hendon, wolf whistle ASAP, where you will meet the other CID. CID? Criminally insensitive dimwits. ID. Criminally insensitive dimwits.

Now, with a deep dive into the much-anticipated HS2, please welcome Ian Smith. This month it was announced that HS2 would be delayed by at least two more years in an early solid contender for the least surprising headline of the year. Transport Secretary Mark Harbour said this was due

to significant inflationary pressure, which is also the main reason for breaking a sex doll. Some knowing laughs. Conservative MP Ian Stewart, the chair of the Transport Select Committee, tabled an urgent question on the revised timetable. I believe the exact phrasing of the question was, Jesus Christ! When is this all going to end?

Its lack of fruition will have a negative effect on the North, and many think HS2 has just become a gravy train, which you'd think the North would love. As a bit of background, HS2 was proposed under a Labour government in 2009 and okayed by Boris Johnson, which is the hallmark of an absolute bullshit building project. Other Boris Johnson-approved ideas include a new airport on an artificial island like something out of Thunderbirds.

And a magic bridge that connected Scotland and Northern Ireland that most engineers called impossible. To be fair to Mark Harper, his job is awful. UK Transport Secretary in 2023. A place where the Christmas hymn Little Donkey feels like an aspirational song about functioning transport routes. The last time I got a train up north, there was a pigeon on it, and it wasn't stuck. That's just how we deliver messages of delays

to the passengers. The plan was to have trains going from Birmingham to Euston, but now transport experts have said trains will be terminating at Old Oak Common for a prolonged period. Old Oak Common. If you don't live in London, you might not know this, but the further on the outskirts you get, the more the stations sound like made-up

places in a children's book. Stuff like Chalfont and Latimer on the Metropolitan Line. Chalfont and Latimer. That's not a train stop, that's a detective drama on ITV4. To talk about how these delays are affecting workers, I visited

a HS2 construction site. I'm here with site manager John. There doesn't seem to be a lot of work going on, but the noise is very loud. Oh, yeah, yeah, so we're just pumping in the construction sounds from a CD, just to raise morale, really. We're using, now, that's what I call workplace sound effects, 45.

I personally think if HS2 does get finished, it should lean into its delays and make that part of its brand. All the trains arrive 30 minutes late. Only serve things on the trolley that take a long time to prepare. Pints of Guinness, letting them settle for a bit. Sandwiches but where the bread is prepared from scratch

in front of you. The mascot could be a sloth. Instead of, say it, sorted, the catchphrase could be see it, look at it for a while, say it, say it again. One more time for the people at the back. Hope someone sorts it. Wait a bit more.

Ask if anyone's going to sort it and then just eventually forget about it. One thing we can guarantee, with recent trailers dropping for biopics of the inventors of BlackBerry phones and Tetris, there'll definitely be a film. This summer, or autumn, but probably winter, in a few years' time,

the long-awaited movie of the long-awaited train line, HS2. Confusingly, it's not a sequel. A man with an unquenchable dream. I want to make travel from Birmingham to London faster, but only marginally. But darling, think about the cost. God damn it, Margaret, why can't you support my dreams?

A journey about overcoming struggles. There's been another delay. It's the cost of living crisis. It's got worse. There's no cucumbers. No! I knew cucumbers would be the downfall of this railway. Introducing an old mop with some googly eyes on it as Boris Johnson.

HS2 will be open shortly after the Garden Bridge and Boris Island Airport, both of which will work and you can hold me to that. And Andy Serkis as The Trains. Come on, I'm ready to go. Presented in full 3D. Book now to ensure disappointment. But really, I can't see HS2 ever being finished. For us, though, it will still be getting made years into our futures

and become an odd tourist attraction like the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona. Catalan architect Antoni Gaudi never got the recognition during his lifetime, and maybe that's the same for us and HS2. And while Gaudi died penniless after being struck by a tram, at least the people working on HS2 have guaranteed they won't get hit by any trains. HS2 could be used as a future parable. It's the story of Icarus flying too close to the improved transport

links, his waxed 16-25 rail card melted in the sun. So let's rename it something pretentious that better represents the perpetual construction site slash live art project it will become. The folly of British ambition. Because that's what HS2 is, a representation of Britishness.

What's more British than trying something and giving up when we realise we're not capable of finishing it? I tried to cook a partridge once. How can I judge HS2 when I've poked and prodded at the simultaneously burnt and raw body of a small bird and instead had to eat all the trimmings without the thing they were meant to trim? Do you know how sad that is, having to respond to the question

what did you have for dinner, Ian, with all the trimmings? So, in the spirit of giving up without any real conclusion, thank you very much. I've been Ian Smith. That was Ian Smith. Well, after the resignation of Nicola Sturgeon, there were further ructions for the SNP this week when Peter Murrell, the party's chief executive, stepped down after misleading the media about a decline in membership.

30,000 members having left in just over a year. Well, there is a cost of living crisis. We've got to cut down on these subscriptions. What do you reckon? The gym, Netflix or the SNP? I think we both know. Both know, yeah. This is the biggest Scottish scandal about inflated numbers since the Proclaimers appeared on Jools Holland singing their biggest hit, I Would Walk 1500

Miles. But the SNP wasn't the only organisation in trouble. The world economy wobbled on the brink this week after the emergency merger of banks UPS and Zurich-based Credit Suisse. Now, financial stories like this are always difficult to report and the

first problem here was how to pronounce it. The BBC for all their desire to be seen to represent the country as a whole still tend to go all posh middle class when it comes to pronouncing foreign names. There was turmoil in the markets today following the 2.7 billion pound takeover of Credit Suisse. They always do this and I don't know why, because other outlets just made it sound like a character from a Guy Ritchie movie. Credit Suisse is going down.

And I never understand why they do this. Who do they think they're impressing? Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is to visit Paris next month, where he is expected to have a tête-à-tête with the président of La France, Emmanuel Macron, who is currently facing difficulties with pension reform and generally dans la merde. I think the assumption is that people will be offended

if we mispronounce things, but be honest. Have you ever been offended when an American asks the way to Leicester Square or a Japanese tourist wants to know which platform for Edinburgh? Or two Russian tourists ask how to get to Salisbury Cathedral? No, you haven't. It doesn't help, of course, that languages are no longer compulsory at GCSE. The less we learn other languages, the more obsessed we seem to get about pronouncing the languages we don't know.

Schools apparently have other priorities, or at least Ofsted do. The relentless inspections and league tables and measurable metrics were heavily criticised this week for the intolerable pressure they put on staff, and especially the practice of giving schools a one-word assessment for public consumption. Whatever their problems or challenges, schools and colleges are lumped into four un-nuanced categories. Outstanding. Good. Requires improvement.

And inadequate. And also, that kind of Ofsted language doesn't mean much to actual kids. Children have some news. As you know, schools are rated cool, OK, bit shonky and minging. And following our recent Ofsted inspection, we have been upgraded from bit shonky to OK. Come to think of it, why bother with words at all? You could just use a series of emojis. Why not check your kid's school rating?

Is it party poppers? Smiley face? Worried face? Or poo with eyes? This all stems, of course, from Westminster's obsession with treating everything in life like it's a business. But schools are not businesses. And come to think of it, why does everybody have to be graded

and assessed the whole time except MPs? They don't get treated like this. If they did, it might actually be quite helpful. On the Question Time panel tonight, we have Susanna Jenkins, MP, who requires improvement, Colin Stump, MP, who is inadequate, and Sir Edward St Francis, MP, who has recently been put in special measures. And, uh, very much enjoyed it.

The response of schools to these gradings tends to follow a predictable pattern. For example, schools in the top two categories will immediately invest in a large banner which will attach to the railings by the school entrance, where it will remain until the next inspection, while schools deemed inadequate may find themselves in a downward spiral because parents lose confidence

and gifted teachers may no longer want to go there. Grading schools is, of course, part of a move to rate everything all the time. And can I say that so far, I would give this paragraph three stars. Every phone call you make to a utility, car hire or phone company, in fact, practically any organisation at all, is then followed by an emailed invite to... Answer our survey. How do we do on our call? Then there's an email saying... How do we do on our call? Then there's an email saying,

How do we do on our survey? And then another email asking, How do we do on our survey of surveys? I wouldn't mind, but they're not even proper surveys because usually they involve emotional blackmail. After this call, sir, I am going to send you a link to a short survey, shouldn't take more than a couple of minutes, where you can rate how your call was handled today. Of course, you don't have to fill it in, but I should say that if you rate the call 9 or

10, that would be great, but if you rate it 8 or below, well, I don't want to tell you what could happen. I've got four kids, you see, sir, and times is hard. My husband, he's in the debtor's prison, sir. All he done was steal an apple to bring back to the kiddies. Anyway, no pressure. Thank you for calling Credit Suisse. And if it isn't ratings, it's targets. Everything is about targets. Targets are essentially New Year's resolutions made by companies or government.

They set them, they fail to meet them, and then they feel worse than if they hadn't made them in the first place. Missing impossible targets is incredibly dispiriting and demoralising. The problem with targets is they give a false sense that things will improve, while simultaneously allowing the people whose job it is to improve things to do nothing. And that's why governments love them. It's also why it's rather encouraging that the UN has altered the language on climate change. Yeah, the IPCC has admitted this week that we're unlikely to limit the global temperature rise to one and a half degrees. But rather than just giving up, there are still a lot of positives to focus on. For example, energy companies have been doing their bit to limit the temperature rise of homes.

Yes, because nobody can afford to turn the heating on. As a punchline, I reckon that needs improvement. Inadequate. Thank you very much. And now, to prove that romance isn't dead, would you please welcome Sarah Keyworth. Now, there is a lot of bad news at the moment. There's poor working conditions.

Workers have no choice but to strike, the cost of living crisis is grinding us all down, racism in the Met Police. I didn't think it could get any worse, and then I saw a headline saying, Gary Lineker has a nasty cold. It's one thing after another. So to take our minds off the doom and gloom

and to distract from the oppressive reign of selfish billionaires living it up as we struggle to heat our homes, I'm going to tell you some good news. Rupert Murdoch's engaged. What an exciting love story. I'm so delighted to hear about the upcoming nuptials of 66-year-old Anne Leslie Smith and her plucky young fiancé, 92-year-old Rupert Murdoch. The media mogul and billionaire has announced that he is due to be married for the fifth time, proving to everyone that you're never too old.

You're just too poor. Even without the emotional stress, the financial pressure he's putting on his nearest and dearest to buy yet another wedding present is borderline abusive. The man owns two yachts, a jet and a vineyard. I could be wrong, but I reckon he's already got a blender. The man owns two yachts, a jet and a vineyard. I could be wrong, but I reckon he's already got a blender.

What do you even wear to the wedding of a 92-year-old? I'd suggest going for something black, cos then you'll know you'll wear it again. An interview with Murdoch was published in his own tabloid newspaper, The New York Post. The 92-year-old said he was happy and he and Smith are... Looking forward to spending the second half of our lives together. Actually, Rupert did tell the New York Post that Anne, his fifth wife, will be his last. But if history tells us anything, this one is actually due to be beheaded.

This announcement comes less than a year after Murdoch divorced his fourth wife, model Geri Hall, to whom he was married for six years. Hall was reportedly heartbroken by the divorce, which was entirely understandable. She said... When you marry an 86-year-old man, you really do think it's till death you do part. Murdoch reportedly ended his relationship with Hall over email,

which is incredibly disrespectful. Apparently he had no choice but to put the correspondence into an email as he was getting no indication that Hall was receiving his telegrams. His new fiancée, Anne Leslie Smith, is a former prison chaplain and dental hygienist. Now, call me a cynic, but if I was an old billionaire, the last person I would marry is someone who used to hang out with criminals and knows how to pull teeth.

Of course I'm joking. I'm not suggesting at all that money is a motivating factor in this marriage. I bet there are lots of benefits to marrying a 92-year-old. It will certainly save on wedding admin. She'll only need to find something new, something borrowed and something blue. Amongst those who are delighted to hear the engagement news are the makers of the popular television programme Succession, which is rumoured to be inspired by the Murdoch family.

The creators are overjoyed to hear of Rupert's engagement, reportedly saying... We literally can write this crap! I don't have anything against people having multiple marriages. It's a fact of life. All good things must come to an end. I think we should embrace it. I was recently in Liverpool

and I overheard two women arguing in the street. Just as I passed, one of them shouted at the other. Hey, you will be coming because you and I both know that my weddings are amazing. The announcement of Murdoch's engagement comes at a significant time because the News Corp and Fox Corporation owner is currently facing two defamation lawsuits. There are two different

voting machine operators claiming that Fox News broadcast false allegations about them, claiming that their machines were rigged in favour of Joe Biden during the 2020 election. If Murdoch loses these libel cases, his status as a fit and proper media owner in the UK could be called into question, which is a shame because up until now he's never put a toe out of

line. It's hard to imagine what part of this got him in the romantic mood for a wedding proposal. Perhaps it was the same magic that caused Boris Johnson to try and throw Carrie Simmons a big wedding party at the exact same time the country was calling for his resignation last year. I don't know about you, but nothing gets me going like the desperate need to distract a global news cycle. Though having said that, what a luxury it is to be able to use your love life as a distraction from your professional scandals. Some people that we know manage to combine the two and have to go on I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here. Obviously, I cannot say for certain that this announcement was a deliberate ploy to draw attention from yet another scandal for Rupert Murdoch,

but it's hard to ignore the timing of his choice to sit down with one of his own journalists to give an interview about this big personal news. Then again, it is nice that he was willing to do the interview, as it saves her time hacking into his voicemails. For a man that knows nothing sells like a good old scandal, he is absolutely missing a trick by not monetising his own misconduct. If he really wants to make a fortune, Rupert must realise that what the public really want

is to get to know him. All the juicy, intimate details. They need to make a Kardashian-style TV show that gives us a peek behind the devil's paywall. They could call it Covering Up With The Murdochs. Oh, God, I've just had an email. It's Rupert. He's heard my ideas and he wants to meet immediately. I don't know whether I'll need a burner phone or a bridal gown.

Thank you very much. I'm Sarah Keyworth. Sarah Keyworth there. So, as we've heard, Boris Johnson's TV grilling largely focused around the advice he'd been given and whether it was good advice or bad advice. And on this basis, we have asked our audience here what is the worst piece of advice they have ever been given? Yeah, what's the worst piece of advice you've ever been given?

Don't you worry about a thing, because every little thing's going to be all right. I kind of like this one, just because it has the ring of truth in it. What's the worst piece of advice you've ever been given? I don't know, I never listen. This is my favourite. Worst piece of advice you've ever been given? Kick it to see if there are any more bees inside.

Well, thank you very much for those. And finally, to end the show, would you please welcome back Huge Davis. Yes, yes. Glad to be back on Radio 4. You know, you do the news right here. It's bleak. People are like, what's on the news? Let's read the news. I hope the news is good. Oh, look, the radio's on.

Let's check out the news. What's the news saying? And the news is like... Prince Andrew's the king. We've run out of petrol. The plague is back. And so is Boris Johnson. The eye of Sauron draws near. His forces grow stronger, as has inflation by 10.4%. For these crimes, you shall hang by the neck until dead.

And now the weather. The weather will also kill us. And now other traffic. Traffic's fine. Other cool radio stations do it differently, which I'm not a fan of. They've got to play this obnoxious music underneath all of the news

so that all the idiots stay tuned long enough until Little Mix come back on. It's incredible. It starts off like this. Start your engine. It's Crash. It starts off like this. Start your engine. It's Crash Radio News. In the morning. And they've got to deal with the bleak headlines

over the top of it. On a farm in Lancashire today, a growing and widespread disease has forced farmers to euthanise all of their animals. Cows. Donkeys. Horses. Sheep. Dog. In the morning. all of their animals. Cows, donkeys, horses, sheep, dog. In the morning. The Taliban are back.

And they're having a party. Whoa, here we go. Yeah, come on. In the morning. A tsunami in Indonesia has wiped out an entire village with devastating losses to the local community. Though the figure remains unknown, the death toll is predicted to be in the region of about...

106. Thanks very much. See you later. Bye. You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punk, Hugh Dennis, Sarah Keyworth, Ian Smith, Gemma Arrowsmith and Luke Kempner. The song was written and performed by Hugh Davis. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Jade Gebbie, Mike Shepard, Christina Riggs and Cody Darla.

The producer was Sasha Bobak and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. If life gets too noisy, take half an hour for yourself with me, Nao. I'm so happy to be back for series two of the Music and Meditation podcast. Just get yourself comfortable and start to steady your breath. With guidance and mindful exercises. Inhale deeply through the nose. Long exhale. And deeply through the nose. Long exhale. And the soothing classical soundtrack.

The Music and Meditation Podcast. Come back to your senses. You've done something beautiful today. Listen on BBC Sounds.