Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 24th November

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches. They're joined by Ria Lina looking into changes in the NHS, Fin Taylor on the Royals, and with an original song from Ed MacArthur.The show was written by the cast with additional material from Rachel E Thorn, Aidan Fitzmaurice, Joe Bates and Cody Dahler.Voice Actors: Joz Norris and Gemma Arrowsmith.Producer: Rajiv Karia Production Coordinator: Katie BaumA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Rialina, Finn Taylor, Gemma Arrowsmith, Joss Norris and Ed MacArthur. And this is... The Now Show! Thank you very much. So this week we were

entitled to ask, is there a cost of living crisis or isn't there? Because it was the autumn statement this week and it was a pretty simple statement. In fact, it was only four words, really. The election starts here. Somewhere, somehow, you see, the Chancellor found some tax cuts thanks to the falling rate of inflation

and the unexpectedly large amount of cash he found in the swear box at the Covid inquiry. In May last year, Rishi Sunak said about inflation... There is no measure any government could take that can make these global forces disappear overnight. Then recently, his party said... We were told it wasn't possible to halve inflation, but Rishi Sunak did it.

Yes, they handily don't say who told them it wasn't possible to halve inflation, because it's very obviously possible to halve inflation. It's only the time period to do it that makes it difficult. I mean, what sort of numpty would put inflation on the X axis without time period on the Y axis? I mean, who would do that? Sorry, I get bamboozled by graphs. Yes. Now, Jeremy Hunt's rethink was not, you suspect, all his own work.

I mean, it must be quite difficult when your boss, who was also Charles of the Exchequer, has just lost two by-elections and is in a determined mood. Now, Jeremy, this bit in your statement about there being very little headroom for tax cuts in the current climate, I think we can get rid of that. Here, allow me. Rishi, what are you doing?

Oh, it's a new scheme of mine. I call it Cross Out to Help Out. Now, Rishi's urge to cut taxes was fuelled by his delight at having achieved one of the five pledges that he made at the start of his premiership, namely that he would halve inflation. Because that's how politics works. When inflation goes up, it's...

Global forces. And when it falls, it's his own personal achievement. And not at all due to tumbling global energy prices, which are happening everywhere. That, of course, won't stop him dining out on it. It's a new scheme of mine. Dine out, having done nowt. Now, he hasn't yet achieved any of the four other pledges, and I think it was plus-size Texan power balladeer Meatloaf,

who once said, But one out of five is rubbish. That didn't stop Ritchie being so pleased at having made one successful pledge that he then made five more. Cut tax, reduce debt, build sustainable British energy, back British business and deliver world-class education. He clearly thinks that we like pledges because like pledge you can spray them all over the place and it smells like you're

doing something. But they do need to be achievable. The inflation one was good because he knew that would happen. Yes because it's a question of time scale. Without having to do anything to achieve it. In all this confusion over whether we could or couldn't afford tax cuts and how we can cancel a rise to pay for social care so that we still can't pay for social care, there were similar mixed messages coming from the consumer world, with Which magazine claiming that Black Friday deals are not always the lowest prices offered all year. Now, that's another problem with high inflation. For the last two years, a price cut in November

would have brought the price back to roughly where it was in July. And what with that and which and their sneaky measures, Black Friday could start to get very complicated. There are great bargains this Black Friday. This 46-inch LED 4K TV is down 10% on its RRP, recommended 12 months ago and therefore already comparatively cheaper anyway. There's a whopping 25% off this smart speaker, which is so smart it can tell you what it originally cost

when the model was introduced two years ago, how much it's gone up since, how much of that is counteracted by depreciation because a new model is about to launch, plus our profit margin, all expressed as one equation so simple even Boris Johnson can understand it. I was emailed offers this year for Black Friday theatre tickets.

The 1.75 Gentleman of Verona, 5.6 Brides for 5.6 Brothers at 20% off, and a fiscal drag show. There are even Black Friday... He wasn't expecting that to work, but he did. There are even Black Friday offers from property developers, including deposit and mortgage contributions. This two-bed flat on brownfield land in a major city

has everything you'd expect of a new-built home. Poorly fitting windows, damp and large cracks in the walls come as standard. Now, again, on the high streets, it's mixed messages. On the one side, all the Black Friday stuff suggesting people have money to spend, and on the other hand, shoplifting is on the rise, suggesting they don't. The West Midlands Police this week released a list

of the top five most shoplifted chains in their area. They were Tesco, Aldi, Asda, One Stop and Greggs. Now, the favourite products for shoplifters from Greggs were doughnuts and sandwiches. And, bizarrely, the police said... We blame the rise in shoplifting on the cost of living crisis and criminal gangs. What do criminal gangs want with doughnuts?

Now, the problem, of course, is getting bigger. One person got caught stealing over £200 worth of goods from Asda. It's not that surprising they were caught. Excuse me. I have reason to believe you may have goods hidden in your coat pockets, sleeves, extra pockets, trousers, extra pockets in your trousers, jumper, hat, shoes and obviously fake dog on wheels.

And what's that round your ankle? Smart day release tag. No, it's not. It's a donor. Small mixed signals, you see. Months and months of complaints about the cost of living crisis and high prices, but now we're all supposed to be splashing out for Black Friday, even though we're all feeling pressure on our purse strings, as the newsreaders

put it. Even though purses haven't had strings for even longer than TVs haven't had cathode ray tubes. The fact is that most shoplifters know that they will never be caught because there aren't enough police because we'd rather have tax cuts and as we know, evidence from cameras is not always conclusive.

Your Honour, that is clearly shoplifting. Hand in the sausage rolls, sausage roll to pocket. But it's not distinct from the other angle. My verdict is clear. I am sending this to VAR. And by the time the decision arrives six minutes later, the shoplifter has left court, eaten a sausage roll and gone to another Greg's to get his dessert.

What hardly any younger shoplifters will be doing, though, is driving. Yes, this is apparently another result of the cost-of-living crisis. Hardly any youngsters are learning to drive. There are advantages environmentally, but, of course, it does mean that all these shoplifters are going to be struggling for getaway drivers. I've got eight cans of lager and four steaks. Let's go. Where's the car? Where's the car?

It's OK. The app says he's only four minutes away. It's a green Toyota. The increase in shoplifting is another chapter in the death of the high street. Also one of my favourite Morrissey songs. And a blow to the nation's shopping malls, which are still recovering post-pandemic. There are glimmers of hope,

with old department stores being turned into virtual golf ranges, gyms and climbing walls. Which, if nothing else, will help the shoplifters stay fit enough to run if their Uber is late. If you're listening to this on the way to the shops, by the way, consumers have been advised to check all Black Friday deals carefully to make sure the discount is as good as it sounds. Which is very good advice. And can equally be applied

to the Chancellor's Autumn Statement. Thank you. Please welcome back to the Now Show, it's Ria Lina. Thank you. Before Nigel Farage entered the jungle, he said that he would go... Absolutely crazy, just being stuck there not knowing what's going on. So, you're in luck, Nigel.

I'm going to keep you updated on what matters. There is good news and bad news when it comes to women's health. Now, I know what you're thinking. A woman as health secretary, that must be good news. Well, yes, she is a woman, but her husband is the managing director of British Sugar PLC. That's right. Our health secretary literally gets into bed with the fieldmaster general for type 2 diabetes. Evidence has shown that the NHS spends

around 10 billion pounds a year on diabetes, 6.5 billion on diabetes, £6.5 billion on obesity, and £7.4 billion on cardiovascular disease. Having a health secretary that's married to sugar is like having a prime minister that's married to big offshore business. Or a home secretary who hated the homeless, yet didn't want to house them. Meanwhile, at Surrey and Sussex Healthcare NHS Trust, East Sussex Hospital had its maternity services downgraded after inspectors voiced concerns that, among other things, bed spaces were not always visibly free of dust, dirt, and bodily fluids.

Since when did we outsource our maternity services to Travelodge? when did we outsource our maternity services to Travelodge? We're talking about vulnerable pregnant women, and more importantly, their newborn babies. The least that they deserve is to be born in a nicer environment than the one they were conceived in. And it just goes from bad to needs improvement when it comes to women's health care as we age. Did you know that the UK government

has a 10-year health care strategy for women's health in England, which was published last year, and Scotland's just launched a new women's health policy across NHS Scotland? No, seriously, did you? No, see? It's hardly a surprise. And I know what you're thinking. Surely both of these are good things for women. Sure, it's great to be acknowledged, but you can't feed your kids applause any more than a policy can prescribe painkillers for period cramps or a strategy can warm up a speculum. I want to believe they will have a nice, positive effect on women's health.

But it's hard when NICE, the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence, goes ahead and recommends that cognitive behavior therapy should be offered alongside or instead of hormone replacement therapy, a.k.a. HRT. Just to clarify, perimenopausal women and anyone with functioning ovaries will suffer all or any of the following symptoms as a result of the reduction over time of oestrogen in the body.

Changes in your menstrual cycle, hot flushes, night sweats, headaches, dizziness, bladder problems, weight gain, joint and muscle pain, depression, mood swings, problems with memory and concentration, a loss of interest in sex. All of that, and the recommendation by NICE is they just need to talk about it? So instead of giving women HRT, we're just going to give them tea? HR yet again, nowhere to be seen when it's time to do some actual work. Women go through a life-altering hormonal change,

and the NHS wants to put them in a room together so they can just bitch about it to each other. In reality, the reason we aren't doing that ourselves is because it would be a health and safety disaster. Imagine packing 20 women, who are the temperature of the sun, into a small room and telling them that the best way to feel better is to have a little gas. The glow from that alone would be visible in Eastern Europe,

and the heat they exude would put Hinkley Point C out of business. But I did say there was some good news when it comes to women's health, and it's not a moment too soon. December will mark the first time women can get combination contraceptive pills over the counter at the pharmacy instead of via a GP in the UK. And how timely. It's only six years after Viagra was made available over the counter, so it's good to know this government not only has its priorities straight,

but understands the basic concept of cause and effect. But saving the best for last, NHS England boss Amanda Pritchard has just announced that with a combination of HPV vaccination and screening for the disease, we could eliminate cervical cancer in England by 2040, saving thousands of women's lives. That is incredible. And I would like to encourage everyone with the cervix to go and get screened whenever you're invited to. And if you're up to the age of 45 and sexually active, get the HPV vaccine. I mean, why wouldn't you? If you're lucky, you'll get 5G in your vagina. Thank you very much.

We're Lena there. So there are a number of significant anniversaries this week, notably the 60th anniversary of both the Kennedy assassination and the first ever episode of Doctor Who. Another BBC theme the Now Show can't get the rights to. The fact that the two things actually happened on consecutive days is pretty amazing, but the most amazing part is that no-one has developed a conspiracy theory linking the two. At the end of the first episode,

the Doctor put in the wrong coordinates and the TARDIS took an unexpected diversion to the grassy knoll, at which point it was hijacked by the second gunman, who flew it to Leicester, where it materialised in front of 11-year-old David Icke, who has never been the same again.

So, over those 60 years, Doctor Who has become one of the BBC's top-selling shows internationally, along with Top Gear. And after the announcement that that was to be cancelled this week... Paused, Hugh. It's a pause, not a cancellation. Keir Starmer insists on that.

So, after the announcement that it was to be paused this week, maybe they should combine the two. And for the 16th Doctor, bring back Clarkson. Where to, Doctor? Okay, we aren't going to fanny round the galaxy any more. We're staying right here on Earth, but going straight back to the 1980s,

where my jeans will be fashionable and I can say whatever I want without being sacked. And the coordinates on Earth? Lilyhammer. We're taking this old police box down a ski jump. Apparently there are now 800 episodes of Doctor Who on iPlayer, which is remarkable because normally when a series has been going that long, the BBC have lost half of them,

or they've been accidentally... EXTERMINATED! And it does seem a little unfair that although the various Doctors have gone through numerous regenerations to keep them up to date, the Daleks have remained pretty much theations to keep them up to date, the Daleks have remained pretty much the same, trundling around shouting, You will obey! You will obey! and receiving fewer updates than the average washing machine.

The only changes are that they are a little taller, they can fly. Ah, now, you see, that is possibly the only ever instance of satire actually changing something. Because the menace of the Daleks was so badly damaged by a cartoon in Private Eye in 1981 in which a group of Daleks were gathered at the bottom of a flight of stairs under the caption Well, that certainly buggers our plan

to conquer the universe. And after seven years of this joke being repeated by everybody, they flew in 1988. So, what else has changed? Well, they've got a new colour scheme and new blue lights like an Alexa. Although, don't be fooled, treating them like

an Alexa might not be wise. If you ask them... D'Alexa? Where can I get hold of collectible Doctor Who figurines? You will, eBay! You will, eBay! Doctor Who and the Kennedy assassination rather neatly shows the difference between science fiction and actual science.

Actual science tends to be a bit less glamorous. This week, you may have seen, some NASA astronauts accidentally left a toolbox floating in orbit after a spacewalk. And if you have a telescope, you can watch it passing overhead. Look up in the night sky and you'll see an amazing sight. A beautiful shooting star crossing the horizon. The object astronomers call Box of Spanners. Or to give it its official name, B&Q 1499. See, real science is hard

and it can be difficult to follow for the layperson. In the Covid inquiry this week, Sir Patrick Vallance, the UK Chief Scientific Advisor during the pandemic, revealed that Boris Johnson was, quote... Bamboozled by graphs. Which Rishi Sunak isn't. He's just hoping that the one showing Tory approval ratings is the wrong way up.

According to Valence... Boris gave up science at 15. I think he will be the first to admit it wasn't his forte and that he struggled with the concepts. Before failing to add... Although, to be fair, he is pretty good on the reproductive system. But like so many politicians, Boris is an arts graduate and science backgrounds are rare.

This has not always been the case, though. Originally, many scientists were drawn from the aristocratic classes, which seems rather extraordinary now. I mean, who would take you seriously if you went... Good morning. Thank you for coming. Here to talk about his invention of a groundbreaking non-magnetic centrifuge that will revolutionise the separation of nuclear isotopes, will you please welcome its inventor, His Grace, the Duke of Norfolk.

Yes. Good morning. Follow me. It's in the billiard room. Oh, keep the hounds away from the uranium, will you? You should also remember that science fiction isn't accurate either because they don't consider the politics. I mean, in sci-fi, whenever New York is threatened, the president says... The city is threatened by an unknown deadly alien plague. All citizens must evacuate now without delay.

Now, you'll notice that no-one is saying... Mr President, we also need to protect the economy. I've thought of a scheme. Eat out to help out. Great news, Mr President. The United States has saved the world. What happened? The alien mothership was just struck

by a toolbox and destroyed? Now, it's because science is difficult and hard to understand that we are often suspicious of it, and the fight back against technology may have begun this week, as Boots, the high-end northern supermarket, are becoming the first chain to get rid of self-service checkouts in their stores.

I think it's surprising a self-service till hasn't gone rogue yet, because if any machine was going to be driven crazy by humans, it's surely them. Please select payment method. Payment method. Oh, yes. Why didn't I think about that while I was queuing? Here I am, right at the front, and I haven't even given it a thought. Select payment method or you will be exterminated! I think many of us struggle with some aspects of science and technology.

The really shocking thing about hearing Boris Johnson doesn't understand graphs is how the hell did he keep track of what was happening on election night? Boris, the results are in. Look at this graph. Oh, blast. Well, better luck next time, I guess. Like Icarus, we flew too close to the sun and... No, no, no, you won. Oh, right you are. Like Icarus, we flew too close to the sun and everything worked out fine.

I mean, politics isn't rocket science, is it? No, it definitely isn't. So, posh, white and totally out of touch, our next guest is here... LAUGHTER ..to tell us about the royal family. Please welcome back to The Now Show, Finn Taylor. APPLAUSE

Hello. The media frame every story about the royals as if they're Marmite. Either you love them or you want them abolished. But given that the king is looking to find a new role for the monarchy under his reign, tonight I'm going to be asking a very simple question. Can we keep the royal family under the condition that they shut up forever? Last week there was a news story about how Prince Harry had phoned King Charles on his birthday. That was it. That was the whole news story. You'd have thought what with two active land wars, the

papers wouldn't be struggling for things to write about, and yet somehow the Telegraph managed to fill two pages with the scoop, man calls dad. The next day, there was a news story about how the king was annoyed that news of this phone call had leaked. That's right, leaked. Christ, will Snowden ever

stop? And if it's not these mind-numbingly bland non-stories, it's a double-page spread about a royal dressed in a colour at an event for some people. For example, this week... Kate looks stunning in purple as she puts on carol service for nursery staff. It turns out that all you need to do

to make your own royal tabloid headline is follow this simple formula of royal plus colour plus activity plus group. For example... Camilla dazzles in orange at Easter egg hunt for jockeys. Or... Eugenie shimmers in beige at chilli-eating contest for veterans. Or... Fergie purrs in indigo at cross-stitching for chimney sweeps.

Or... Beatrice sparkles in brown at samosa-making for lifeguards. Or... Andrew. Not him! I guess, looking behind the curtain, it's patently obvious the minor royals are trying to get as much publicity as possible so that they seem indispensable when the time comes

for the payroll to be scaled back. Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, is even stepping in to host this morning after Holly Willoughby's exit. She's not the first of a family to transition to ITV. Obviously, Prince Andrew has visited Love Island several times, allegedly. Of course, the who's speaking to who and who's wearing a colour at a thing are not the only type of news stories concerning the royals. Sometimes they die. But mainly, of news stories concerning the royals, sometimes they die. But mainly... LAUGHTER Mainly, they wear a colour at a thing, or they speak, or they don't speak. And I, for one,

am getting increasingly irritated by the media's insistence that we care about who in the royal family is speaking to who. I mean, these people are descended from swashbuckling knights who used to lead countrymen into battle, and now it seems their sole function is to provide plot points for a reality show that's lost all its best cast members. The royals basically use the tabloids the way middle-aged people use Facebook. But at least middle-aged people on Facebook have the decency to fall for conspiracy theories,

which would make for far better royal headlines. Camilla shines in yellow at bottomless brunch for anti-vaxxers. Are they feeding the papers papers these non-stories about unreturned phone calls and ignored texts? Do they feel they have to create some kind of constant psychodrama to stave off a republican revolution? Why can't they be more like Spain or Holland, where the monarchy is like,

well, I've got no idea, and doesn't that feel nice? Because I think I speak for everyone when I say that no one really cares who wore what colour at what thing for what group, and no one cares who's not speaking to who. There is only one question about the royals the British public wants answered, and it's this. If he doesn't sweat, how does he cool down? Is it like when a dog sticks his tongue out,

or is it like when pigs roll around in the mud? I have to know. Thanks very much. Vin Taylor there. So, as already mentioned, Sir Patrick Balance at the COVID Inquiry this week revealed that Boris Johnson didn't seem to understand much of the science and was bamboozled by graphs.

So we've asked our audience here in Deptford what things have they secretly never understood? I've never understood why, when Santa comes down the chimney, he doesn't get stuck in the boiler. Having grown up overseas, I still don't understand why British people apologise to me when I bump into them. Why, if Costco is a members-only club, is the dress code so casual?

So, thank you very much for sharing those, and that is almost it for this week. Yeah, now with Farage as the latest politician joining the reality TV circus, our musical guest has a little insight into just how these bookings go down. Yeah, now with Farage as the latest politician joining the reality TV circus, our musical guest has a little insight into just how these bookings go down. It's Ed MacArthur. I'm a TV producer. I produce reality shows.

The more depressing and weird I make them, the more the popularity grows. Divisive people sell. That's why I put Nigel Farage in the jungle. 52% love him. 48% hope he catches something fungal. TV producer, I care deeply about your feelings. The darker, the angrier, the bitterer. The better are my business dealings. Keep the premise lean, the spirit mean.

Contestants deranged and entitled. I've got sustainable values. The celebs I use are all recycled. TV producer, whatever gets me the views. Controversy's what you want to see, so I put Boris on GB News. The now show crowd are snobbish and proud and call me a lowbrow menace. But guess what, mother, celebrity big brother, I've signed up Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis. TV producer, I'll make you famous for being famous.

Just be your authentic self, but be totally weird and mad and shameless. No, I don't manipulate reality. I reflect the daily nonsense. You think my freak show's unrealistic? Look at the Conservative Party conference. TV producer, I embrace the bizarre. Do you have an undiagnosed personality disorder? I'll make you a star. Try and sink lower than me. You won't get very far. Oh yes, I have a moral conscience. What about Strictly in Qatar? You won't get very far Oh yes, I have a moral conscience What about Strictly in Qatar? I'm a TV producer

By now you know my methods well I try to be as cynical as possible From my offices based in hell My consultant's name is Satan He gives me great advice He says I know you've overused him But what about Hancock dancing on ice? TV producer, I'll do exactly as I please.

Debasing our public discourse, dragging British culture to its knees. Is your reputation ruined? I can launder it for a price. I've lined up Bernie Eccleston on Love Island. Weinstein on Come Dine With Me. Vladimir Putin on Gogglebox. Bashar al-Assad on Bake Off. Kim Jong-un on The Bachelor.

His approval ratings will take off. Robert Mugabe on RuPaul's Drag Race. Bin Laden on Below Jack. Or what about something unbelievable? David Cameron as Foreign Sec. TV producer. I'm a pathological narcissist. You may call me a crook or a fraud or a blight or a cultural arsonist. Ed MacArthur

might not like that I'm so successful and wealthy, but he's just a posh quitter. Another top who's bitter because I never put him on Made in Chelsea. You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis, Ria Lena, Finn Taylor, Gemma Arrowsmith and Joss Norris. The song was written and performed by Ed MacArthur. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Rachel E Thorne, Aidan Fitzmaurice, Joe Bates and Cody Darla.

The producer was Rajiv Karia and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hello, this is Marion Keys. And this is Tara Flynn. We host a podcast you might like for BBC Radio 4 and BBC Sounds called Now You're Asking. Each week we take real listeners' questions about life, love, lingerie, cats, dogs,

dentists, pockets, or the lack of. Anything really. And apply our worldly wisdom in a way which we hope will help. But also hopefully entertain. Join us, why don't you? Search up Now You're Asking Thank you.