Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 26th February - ft Jess Fostekew, Beardyman and Ken Cheng...

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches in front of a remote audience - and all from their own home!In the first show of the new series, they are joined by Jessica Fostekew who relays her time volunteering in a vaccination centre. Ken Cheng talks about his experiences as a Chinese Briton plus music from Beardyman...Voice Actors: Luke Kempner and Gemma ArrowsmithProducer: Adnan Ahmed Production Co-Ordinator: Carina Andrews Editor/Engineer: David ThomasBBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Thank you for listening to the Friday Night Comedy Podcast. It's The Now Show. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Jessica Fosterkew, Ken Cheng, Beardy Man,

Gemma Arrowsmith and Luke Kempner. And this is... The Now Show! Woo! Ah, thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. We are back and we are joined, as is the fashion these days, by an online audience for this series.

It's the first time we've done this, so if you don't hear anyone laughing, it's probably because they've accidentally put themselves on mute. The audience is actually watching us on Zoom and, in fact, I can hear one of them shouting at us to read the standing orders. Yes, this week there were the faintest glimmerings of better news, or as the Prime Minister himself put it... Ah, the crocus of hope is poking through the frost.

It was one of the oddest editions of Gardener's Question Time I've ever heard. He was referring, of course, to the gradual end of lockdown, working towards the day when the entire country gets to walk around going... So, time to find out who's behind the mask! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Actually, there is a group of Tory backbenchers who are already doing that. But the prospect becomes more and more real with the publication this week of what the government insist on calling a road map.

Yes, if you still needed to be convinced that government is mainly the preserve of middle-aged men, calling it a road map is surely the clincher. My children laugh at me for wanting to use a roadmap. Nobody under 30 knows what a roadmap is. Neither does anyone in the government, apparently, because they've got it confused with a timetable. A roadmap lays out a timeline and a series of dates, you know, like a timetable does and a roadmap doesn't. And nobody uses roadmaps anyway, they use GPS, but the government can't produce their own Covid sat-nav

because it would constantly be saying Make a U-turn where possible. Plus, for most people to use it, it would need to be available for smartphones, and at the moment there is no government lockdown routefinder app. But don't worry, two of Matt Hancock's old friends have been given a contract to develop one.

To make things even more confusing, Boris was keen to point out that this is a one-way road to recovery. So in other words, you don't really need a road map at all, which is good because it isn't one. And in Scotland, it's called... A strategic framework. Which roughly translated means... We're not using the same term as bloody Boris. Think of something else quick. Although, given that the map or framework will be dictated by a whole load of unknown variables,

or as the government put it, data not dates, it's more really like a sort of role-playing game. You have crossed the summer of lockdown and reached a landmark of lower hospitalisations, where you meet Govee, the goblin. You've rolled a six so you can approach him and ask him about your quest. Oh wise Govee, we wish entry to the fabled land of Ibiza for a ten nights all-inclusive in July. We seek a mysterious key to travel. Ah, for the key

to be yours and you to be happy, you must guess its name, both clever and snappy. Okay, how about Immunity Card? Please don't be offended by My Little Chides, but that name's more boring than Chris Whitty's slides. Is it vaccine passport?

At last, just when you thought all hope was lost, the crocus of hope has popped through the frost. Political roadmaps, though, have been with us since the 90s. The first one I remember hearing about was the one showing the route to permanent peace in the Middle East, so they definitely work then. What does this road map say? Well, it's surprisingly similar to a timetable.

For example, on March 8th, schools in England go back. The plan requires schoolchildren to be tested twice a week, which is fully in line with general education policy for the last 11 years, as you may know from parents' evenings. I know the constant testing is stressful for your child, but it is important if she's aiming for her first-choice Oxford vaccine and not her ninth-choice University of North Hertfordshire vaccine. Testing it is, then.

It might be tricky persuading older children to insert objects up their nostrils, but easier in reception class, where small children can be given nasal swabs cunningly disguised as crayons, and then just let nature take its course. In the end, though, those having to undertake the torture of homeschooling

are desperate for it to finish and to once again hear this happy sound. The unmistakable noise of joyful parents running out of the playground and back to their car before their children can follow them. On April 12th in England, hospitality will reopen outside, but the big date in the roadmap timetable is when all restrictions may be lifted, June 21st. Now, there's a petition online to make June 21st a bank holiday

because after a year of everything being closed, what people really want is an extra day of everything being closed. Some places are likely to remain closed. Many people rushed out to book foreign holidays, but unless you're heading for the beaches of Poland or Estonia, most of Europe is still shut and its citizens refusing to be vaccinated, particularly in France.

Ah, menon, you will not catch me deliberately putting germs into my body. Pass me some more mould-covered blue cheese. Yes, the French seem particularly scared, presumably by the ghost of Louis Pasteur wailing in embarrassment. Yes, now the French, of course, are annoyed because their leading scientific institute in Paris had to give up making a vaccine in January

because it didn't work in either the Bordeaux or Loire Valley versions. We don't yet know which countries will or won't be open, so any holiday book now may be subject to change. Travellers are advised that there have been some last-minute changes to some trips. All passengers on the 1630 flight to Majorca have been redirected to the 1700 flight to Doncaster. All passengers on the 1830 flight to Alicante are asked to go immediately to Gate 7 for the

1745 flight to Southend. And all passengers booked on the 1500 flight to Prague, there's a coach waiting to take you to Primark. The road timetable thing seems to be based on scientific advice to the frustration of various newspapers urging the government to hurry up and make the same mistake a third time running.

This new, less over-promising, less impulsive post-Cummings PM hasn't helped Keir Starmer, who was hoping to be the sensible one himself. He recently introduced us to the inspiring catchphrase that will surely win the next election. This must now be a moment to think again about the country that we want to be. It's not the catchiest, is it? Perhaps a lawyer in him thinks slogan writing is paid by the minute. But has Boris really changed? Is PMQs now Captain Hindsight versus Captain Sensible? You suspect not. No, indeed. When you hear people using phrases like,

the Prime Minister is being overly cautious, you should treat it with exactly the same suspicion as when you hear phrases like, Hermes has successfully delivered your parcel. suspicion as when you hear phrases like, Hermes has successfully delivered your parcel. And as the Prime Minister was at pains to point out, the roadmap itself may change. Currently infections are falling, vaccines are proving effective and many new ones are coming on stream, but the crocus of hope could easily be urinated on by the untrained puppy of fortune. but the crocus of hope could easily be urinated on by the untrained puppy of fortune. Because there's so much that can change or go wrong, there is no timetable, for example, for the lifting of quarantine. As a member of the cabinet said,

Science tells us that it is important that certain people should be isolated for weeks in a room on their own without company. Because if not, how will they ever understand what it was like being a teenage young conservative? Roll on, June the 21st. Thank you very much. Well, now it's time to hear from a writer, comedian and guest host of the Guilty Feminist podcast, who is really looking forward to June,

when we won't have to feel guilty about anything anymore. Would you please welcome Jessica Fosterkew. Hello. Finally, the end is in sight. Hallelujah. 21st of June is supposed to be the longest day of the year, but it's not going to feel like it, is it? Because we all know the saying,

time flies when you're having unlimited social contact one really fun sign that we're tantalizingly close to the finish line now of this pandemic is that museums have started collecting covid related memorabilia everything from used vaccine vials to bits of p. Even official lectern signage is being officially stowed away. I love the thought that one day we'll be romanticising all of this. Like, now there are mugs, aren't there, with World War II slogans on, like, keep calm and carry on. But in another hundred years,

there'll be driftwood above a breakfast bar somewhere saying, hands, face, space. It'll be the new live, love, laugh, won't it? Less keep mum, she's not so dumb, and more keep two metres apart, mum might have a new variant. There's talk of them even building a special Covid-specific museum. I hope it'll be like the Yordick Viking Centre and future school kids will have little blue masks on

and get to ride through the little train going round a 2020 re-enactment village with realistic smells of hand sanitiser, banana bread and cat farts, peeking into waxwork family homes where they're all in their leggings, having loads of sex fights and takeaways. For the last six weeks i've been volunteering in a local vaccine center an apparent act of altruism which ironically has ended up being the most selfish thing i've ever

done um for a start i've told you about it any act of charity is ruined the minute you brag about it. Jesus said that, I think. He'd be absolutely fuming if he knew how well that biography of his is sold, the one where they tell everyone about his generous fish and bread tricks. I wanted to do something kind, but I've ended up getting so much more out of it than I've put in. No offence to comedy, but I've got to feel properly useful. I've had glorious, legitimate time away from my child and my washing up. I have had the vaccine before my own parents. And a serious level of smugness. What more could a girl want?

On top of that, as a comedian, more valuable than any of those things is I finally got some stories. Because I was getting to the point where I was only agreeing to go for walks with people I barely knew just that I'd have anything at all to talk about the old and oh what have you been up to lately has really lost its sheen hasn't it this year I've only had interesting things to say to people I haven't caught up with since school the work that's being done in these vaccine centres is amazing and by a largely unpaid labour force as well. It's really incredible. And as with anything involving lots of volunteers,

there's quite a high percentage of weirdos there. Heaven, I fit right in. I worked in a room for four hours with a lady who had the opening bars of the final countdown stuck in her head. Four hours on a lady who had the opening bars of the final countdown stuck in her head. Four hours on a loop. Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da.

Do-do-do-do-do. Babe, that is not the most pandemic-friendly earworm. But hey, I didn't kick her. I didn't even mention it. Not me. I just thought, thank you for my story, I thought. One nurse, fresh out of retirement and high on power, leaned over me as I went to do my lateral flow test at the beginning of a shift.

Don't use too much of the liquid. I said, OK, yeah, yeah, yeah, got it. She said, do you only need a tiny drop? I'd done these tests a lot, so I said, OK, yeah, yeah, yeah. She said, tinier, tiny. I was dripping my snotty liquid into the test. Tiny, tiny. She leaned him right in. Tinier, tinier, even tinier She said, tinier, tiny. I was dripping my snotty liquid into the test. Tiny, tiny. She leaned him right in.

Tinier, tinier. Even tinier than that. Tinier than that. She pushed my hands apart so that barely a drop of liquid graced the test. Nevertheless, 15 minutes later, when it turned out the test had failed, she shouted to the full room,

Ow! You've wasted the test, you silly girl. Is she maimed now? No, I'm too grateful for my story. Anyone feeling like you want to get a bit back and that you've given enough, I highly recommend some volunteering.

Thank you for listening, and I'll see you on the 21st of June for a cuddle if you game. I've decided to be optimistic that it's actually going to happen because, well, I'll never learn. Jess Foster-Kew there. Now, while we've all been anxiously looking for the crocus of hope, the signs of life beyond Covid have been slowly emerging. You know that the new sensible scientist

heeding Prime Minister is just itching to get back to old ways when you see headlines like... Boris wants to build giant roundabout under the Isle of Man! One of those stories which mysteriously appeared in exactly the same wording in every newspaper, cut and pasted from a press release claiming that four underwater tunnels to Northern Ireland would converge under the Isle of Man,

an idea which somehow combines The Spy Who Loved Me with Thomas the Tank Engine. Toot, toot, said Thomas. I didn't know railways had roundabouts. They don't, said Gordon. They've got confused, because they've just made this up to distract attention from government procurement contracts. Yes, the Isle of Man giant roundabout shows every sign

of being another in a line of infrastructure projects suggested by a random word generator, as in... Thames Estuary. Airport. Garden. Bridge. In fact, they could make transport policy more exciting by doing it on TV, like the FA Cup draw. That's Ipswich. And what have they got?

They're getting an aqueduct. Ooh, that's a biggie. That's a biggie. Several leagues above them. Now, number 19. Swindon, who beat Yeovil. For the chance to build... Number four.

Number four. A subterranean hyperloop to Stroud via Cirencester. Or are we being too cynical? There actually is an underwater roundabout linking two of the Faroe Islands. Yeah, but there are a couple of crucial differences. Firstly, the tunnel system is only six miles long, and secondly, the Faroe Islands aren't run by Boris Johnson, so it actually got built. More inspiring was the footage of NASA's Perseverance rover landing on Mars,

where its mission is to see if there is life on the red planet, and if there is, would it be interested in talking to Liz Truss about a trade deal? The name Perseverance was suggested by 13-year-old Alex Mather from Virginia, who won a public competition to name the mission. And we'd like to congratulate Alex, who narrowly beat the runner-up entries Spacey McSpaceface, Marcy McMarcypan, and Fleazy Stop Asking the Public to Name Things. Experts, meanwhile, were busy explaining the details of the mission. The rover descended using a UK-manufactured parachute,

bearing the distinctive slogan, Brits on the piss, Mars 21. The descent at the surface was accomplished at high speed, so it was either the special parachute or attach the rover to the engine of a Boeing 777 Dreamliner. In communicating data back to Earth, there's an 11-minute delay. Yes, and I don't think that's too bad. If the delay's longer than 30 minutes, NASA have to give you your money back.

The soil samples collected, though, won't be delivered back to Earth until 2031, so that subscription to next-day delivery was a bit of a waste, frankly. And in the meantime, they will be transferred onto the Mars rover and stored in tubes. This was thought to be preferable to the solution offered by the British, where the soil would be stored in an astronaut's trouser leg until it could be scattered again safely when no-one was looking. Meanwhile, across the channel, daft Punk split up this week.

The hugely influential French duo made a career of being ahead of their time, keeping their faces masked in public years before it was fashionable. They last played in Britain 14 years ago, which is a coincidence, as to play in Britain again post-Brexit would have needed 14 years of paperwork. Back at home, news emerged that Keir Starmer isn't in favour of decriminalising cannabis, which is fair enough, as there doesn't seem much point. In a country where everybody has spent an entire year

lounging around the house in the same clothes and binge-watching television, it would seem that we're all living that lifestyle anyway. Plus, if we're already suggesting building giant roundabouts under the Isle of Man, frankly, who needs cannabis? Now please welcome a comedian who left university to become a professional poker player.

I assume he's feeling pretty confident, but looking at his face, I absolutely can't tell. It's Ken Cheng. Hello, I'm Ken. I'm British-born Chinese, probably one of the top five Chinese comedians working in the UK. That's not that impressive. There's only like three of us. Naturally, being Chinese, I have a lot to say about coronavirus, especially as I created it in a lab. That's what the well-informed members of the Twitter community seem to suggest anyway, that I, Ken Cheng, a professional comedian, am the sole inventor of COVID-19. I don't remember

this happening, of course, but when you read a claim from a stranger on the internet with a username Paul4693, who has 19 followers and a profile picture of a full English breakfast, you tend to trust their sources. These kinds of conspiracy theories are just one example of the worldwide increase in discrimination faced by people of East and Southeast Asian origin since the start of the pandemic, which has culminated this last week in America with a massive surge in violence against senior citizens in the Asian American community. But these attacks are not a new thing, nor are they specific to the United States. In the UK, between January and June last year, the Met Police recorded a total of 457 race-related crimes against people who self-defined as Chinese. About this time a

year ago, I actually got asked to go on CNN to talk about these attacks. That month, I got about eight or nine interview requests. And the first question they always asked me was, have you experienced anyone treating you differently since the outbreak and I was like well mainly I'm getting way more interview requests my career is really taking off because of this virus it was a great time for me generally I actually miss it when only Chinese people had coronavirus. Like, that was our thing. White people just never let us have our own thing.

I would say getting coronavirus is cultural appropriation. In all seriousness, I didn't actually encounter that much racism in real life or in public around that period. The main thing I got was my flatmate Ted told me that his mum warned him to be careful of me. Let's just say I didn't have to top up the gas bill that month. Abuse has only got worse over time and this could be attributed to the hatred stoked by the right-wing media and figures like Donald Trump who in March called it the Chinese virus and in June referred to it as Kung Flu which isn't even a good pun as far as I'm concerned. I would have gone with Flu Man Chu

or where men get it Flu Man Flu. Since then I've received a lot of derogatory comments on social media echoing what these figures have said. People would often tweet me saying things like, this is all your fault, you are the virus, please stay away from my son Ted. I frequently get people replying to my tweets saying, when will you condemn your homeland for causing this virus?

You see, not only did I create the Cheng virus, that's right, the Cheng virus, that's what I wanted it to be called. It's either that or Chengles. Not only did I create the virus, but then my home country, the country of China, not the UK where I have a British passport, China, the country that I have immense influence over, despite having never lived there, helped spread coronavirus across the world. Which, according to the same people, is also a hoax and doesn't exist. However, it's easy to think that it's just the extreme right who hold these ignorant views or read about violent attacks and go, well, I would never do that.

But the reality is the comments being made at the start of the pandemic about Chinese people, they were coming from everywhere. People of different age, political view, race, gender, class. There's no easy solution for this, but there is one thing society can do to help combat anti-Asian racism going forward. Keep putting me on TV and radio to talk about it. Also, if you ever see Ted's mum, just be careful of her. Thank you. Thank you. Now, this week, you may have seen meal kit supplier Hallo Fresh had to apologise after a Bournemouth man mistakenly received

a full bottle of urine along with his delivery. Clearly a mistake. He had, in fact, only ordered half a bottle. So we have asked via Twitter, have you ever received something unexpected by mistake or as a substitution in a delivery? I ordered some frozen mixed vegetables and received a cheesecake as substitution. Oddly, I was fine with it.

I ordered my niece two candles from the supermarket for her 16th birthday, one one and one six, to put on her cake. The one arrived, but the six had been substituted with a wheelie bin sticker. I ordered an ovulation and pregnancy test strip and got bath crayons and Finding Nemo washcloths. This one, I do like this one, though, because this is weird. No, not really. I'm not really a fan of Ocado.

What with lockdown, I'll take any excuse to take the Volvo for a spin. I once got a Freemason ring that I didn't order. I don't know where it came from, but it fits my finger. I think what's happened there is that you've accidentally wandered into a Dan Brown novel. I'd be wary of that. Thank you very much for those. There were loads and loads of them, and we will be putting another question up next week

on our Twitter feed at BBC Now Show. And now to play us out of the show, musical guest Beardy Man is asking us all, move on. Get up, get up, let's move on. Yeah. No one wants to hear about your gripes and your moans. We all just spent an era trapped in our homes. Move on, move on, move on. Who cares about PPE made by sorry donors that weren't fit for purpose?

So we lost doctors and nurses that they didn't deserve. Let's keep it all below the surface Move on, just move on Who cares that there's a border in the Irish Sea You only campaigned on the promise that there wouldn't be Haven't the public had enough of public scrutiny Move on, just move on Never mind, they never made a working track and trace system

Just listen to the rags that hate and twist themselves into knots To lay that blame on people drowning in the channel where the war to escape Move on, move on Who cares if we retire, we still have frictionless trade Just think of all the money Jacob Rees-Mogg's hedge fund made If you still get to keep your post and all your maids get paid Just move on, move on Move on, move on, move on, move on, move on now

If we want to walk in the sun Get out of your hole and move on If we want to love each other No sign for fun, say goodbye to my brother How do we avoid screwing me in blame? Trump for the press like hell. So we'll just do the same. And if you caught red-handed, haven't thought it through,

just stay calm and say it was the right thing to do. You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Puntz, Hugh Dennis, Jessica Fosterkew, Ken Cheng, Gemma Arrowsmith and Luke Kempner. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Mike Shepard, Jenny Leville, Rooney Talwar and Rajiv Kharia. The song was written and performed by Beardy Man. The producer was Adnan Ahmed and it was a BBC Studios production. I'm Jacob Hawley and I'm buzzing to tell you about my new podcast,

Jacob Hawley On Love. This podcast is going to focus on intimacy, on relationships, on the way that we commodify those feelings and even make industries from them, on the way that we connect as people, on love. We're going to be talking about pornography. Pornography, I would argue, is a major form of sex education for boys all over the world. We're going to hear how people learn about sex.

What even is sex education? Because if it's about putting the P and the V, hey, we all kind of understand that. But real sex education, that's about our relationships with each other. And sex addiction. It's about our relationships with each other. And sex addiction. It's actually rewiring your brain. That positive reinforcement

will always make you want to go back to see more. We're going to speak to people who make money from sex. Well, that's disgusting. I'm like, what? I make twice the amount of money as I touch my dick.

And hear about nudes and leaks and revenge porn. I just felt humiliated, totally intimidated and completely not in control of my body. I wore clothes today for a reason because I didn intimidated, and completely not in control of my body. I wore clothes today for a reason, because I didn't want anyone to see that part of my body. And talking about

dating in a pandemic. Over lockdown, I was getting a lot of messages on Hinge from guys like, do you want to break lockdown together? Like, a lot of people maybe got a bit of a thrill from the taboo-ness. I've been to a porn shoot, COVID compliant of course. I've spoken to cam girls, to sex workers and priests, not at the same time. I've heard from people of all different sexualities, identities and cultures, right? I've learnt about polyamory, I've spoken to cam girls, to sex workers and priests, not at the same time. I've heard from people of all different sexualities, identities and cultures.

I've learned about polyamory. I've spoken to incels. I found a bloke who thinks everyone should try divorce before 30. And I'll say it again because I can't stress it enough. I went to a porn shoot during a pandemic. It's not bad. So that's Jacob Hawley on love. Give us a like and subscribe. There'll be new episodes coming very soon. See you then.