Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 26th November - feat Athena Kugblenu, Geoff Norcott, and Huge Davies

Episode Date: November 26, 2021

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches in the BBC's Radio Theatre in front of a remote audience.Joining them from a safe distance is Athena Kugblenu taking on MPs wages, and Geoff Norcott on must-see TV. This week's music is supplied by Huge Davies.Voice Actors: Emma Sidi and Jason ForbesProducer: Rajiv Karia Production Co-Ordinator: Sarah SharpeBBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Athena Kublaidu, Geoff Norcott, Jason Forbes, Emma Siddy and Hugh Davis. And this is... The Now Show!

Thank you. Thank you very much. So, this week, after being told she cannot sit in the Commons with her three-month-old son, Labour MP Stella Creasy said... It has to be possible for politics and parenting to mix. And the Prime Minister clearly agrees. He took his son on a day out to a kids' theme park last Sunday and decided the experience was a worthy subject for the first post-Brexit CBI conference.

Now, he does have form on this. He quoted Kermit the Frog to the United Nations, chose the Wumbles as climate ambassadors for COP26 before lecturing the CBI about Peppa Pig World. He seems to see everything in terms of children's TV. When he saw last weekend's opinion polls, it's rumoured that he asked if it was time for Tubby Bye Bye. Who knows?

What we do know is that the Prime Minister has two sets of cultural references, classics and kid shows. It's either... In the words of Aristophanes. Or... In the words of the Aristocats. You can see why, I suppose.

The glow of nostalgia and sometimes the attitude. I mean, he probably quoted Kermit to the UN because Kermit has that same tendency to really overhype things. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the amazing, the wonderful, the entirely perfect Northern Ireland Agreement. Yay! Boris, roughly this time last year. But this time, it all went wrong. He muddled his script, fumbled around for what seemed like forever,

before finally, to the audience's relief, Simon Cowell shouted, it's a no from me, and he was led away. But before that happened, it was all recorded, and the clip of him lost at the podium muttering, forgive me, three times went viral and was even spoofed on I'm a Celebrity. Hilariously, Number 10 tried their usual tactic

of claiming it was... A Westminster village story. If Ant and Dec are doing jokes about it, it is not a Westminster village story. And only someone in the Westminster village could possibly think it was. So what was it about? Taking Peppa Pig as his theme, the Prime Minister sang the praises of UK creativity and private enterprise, asserting that...

No civil servant could possibly have come up with pepper. Which is interesting. Since three years ago, the Department of Culture, Media and Sport announced a... £60 million initiative to support the nation's vibrant broadcast sector. And the object of this initiative? To find the next Peppa Pig. So, £60 million.

It sounds like civil servants can definitely help. But does Peppa Pig World appreciate all this praise? The owner of the theme park told an industry web magazine in 2019, the government must realise that it can't keep adding costs to running a business without eventually stifling the entrepreneurial spirit. And also said of Brexit that the industry was waiting for our political masters to sort out that particular mess. On top of that, it turns out Peppa Pig was made by a Canadian company that was sold to a US company two years ago. No civil servant could possibly have not fact-checked a speech

if anyone had bothered to ask. The speech went on... Who would have believed that a pig that looks like a hairdryer would now be exported to 180 countries? Who would have believed it? Well, anyone who knew that Teletubbies went to 120 countries, including China, 25 years ago. Although what is interesting about that statement is that it proves that despite all evidence to the contrary,

Boris does know what a hairdryer is. The CBI were reportedly less than impressed, particularly since the conference was on Tyneside to promote northern businesses, and Pepper Big World is in Hampshire, about 300 miles south. Boris told them... You should go there. And they replied...

We would if we had a railway. And as if this wasn't enough, he also compared himself to Moses during the speech. You remember, Moses, the guy who partied the Red Sea and then filled the gap with sewage. The net effect of watching this real-life anxiety dream was that his own backbenchers reportedly became worried that their leader might be losing his grip,

especially since Keir Starmer was also at the conference trying to convince the CBI that post-Corbyn Labour is not anti-business. Ironically, Keir Starmer's speech also consisted mainly of muttering forgive me, forgive me a number of times. On the plus side, the NHS are trying to work out what Boris was on when he made his speech, and when they find out, they're going to make it widely available. Or is there more to it?

I mean, I don't want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but it is possible that pigs have more sway over British political life than we've ever dreamed. I mean, think about it. Ed Miliband, brought down by a bacon sandwich. David Cameron, sullied by scandal involving a pig's head. Tony Blair, reputation ruined

by a string of pork pies. And now Boris, burbling about a cartoon pig to an audience of senior business leaders. Anyway, Joe Biden went into hospital this week for a colonoscopy and didn't have the sense to lie about it like Trump did in 2018 because Trump knew admitting it would lead to jokes. Trump also refused an anaesthetic, whereas Biden had one, but no-one could tell.

Biden's anaesthetic, though, meant that Kamala Harris was officially president for an hour and 20 minutes. Although she didn't manage to do much, though, not like our hard-working politicians, some of whom could have earned several thousand pounds in legal fees in that time. Meanwhile, US pundits tried to explain Biden's drop in popularity. Well, Brad, polls indicate that voters think Joe Biden's too old,

given that he's one year older than he was when they chose to vote for him. It's not just leaders losing their grip. Future leaders are as well. For decades, the Queen has maintained a policy of staying above the fray, never responding or suing, retaining royal dignity at all times. It looks like her successors are going to ditch this and get involved in all the same petty squabbles and tit-for-tats as other celebrities,

to the delight of the press. Yes, this week, William and Harry were moaning about the BBC, who are apparently fine when they're making plugs for royal charities, but not when they're doing actual journalism. And in a fit of posh pique, they have given the rights to a royal carol concert to ITV, a decision they may come to regret. Welcome to It's A Royal Singalong.

And here are your hosts, Anton Dirk. Good evening from Westminster Abbey, where we have an audience of celebrities waiting to hear a selection of eight carols sung by all your favourite stars. After you've heard all eight, we'll be opening the phone line so you can vote for your favourite to become

Britain's favourite carol. I can't wait, but first, to introduce the Dean and the Choir, here's Keith Levin! And now, for the first time on the Now Show, would you please welcome Athena Koblenou. Hello. I'm probably meeting many of you for the first time,

so it's important that I start off on the right foot. So here goes a sentence to get you all on board the Athena train. I think MPs should be paid more. Who's with me? So I can say that out loud because this is a remote audience and you can't throw onions at me without voiding the warranties on your laptops. I genuinely think MPs should be paid more. They get around £80,000 a year, which is £50,000 a year more than their average salary in the UK. And it's easy to look at them and think overpaid scroungers. But if the basis of being a scrounger is the fact that you're paid a taxpayer funded salary significantly higher than the national average, we'd have to call lots of people overpaid scroungers, wouldn't we? The chief executive of UK Export Finance gets paid a starting salary of £255,000. But he's not under public scrutiny. No one cares if he drinks a can of M&S cocktail on the train. He doesn't even have to worry about whether his secret lover keeps a journal.

But he gets paid £175,000 more than people who do. So what I want to do is put the salary of MPs into a context and start a conversation about how paying them more might actually be a solution and not the problem. MPs represent the interests of all their constituents, which number in their tens of thousands. You know the saying, you can only please some of the people some of the time? Well, MPs have to please all constituents all of the time for a living.

I couldn't do that. I can't even please my two kids, let alone thousands of people I didn't give birth to. Personally, I pat myself on the back if only one of my children is screaming. Personally, I pat myself on the back if only one of my children is screaming. However, I can live with a 50% mum satisfaction rating because I'm the only candidate and I'm not up for re-election every five years. MPs spend their days commuting from the place they represent to London and they can represent places as far away as Watford. They spend their days voting, debating, researching, doing casework,

all of which is the bulk of their day job. And they do this whilst being trolled on social media, hounded by journalists and mocked by comedy writers like me who feed on all their mistakes. I can't remember the last time I made a joke about the chief executive of the office of Rail and Road and he gets over £150,000. But I make a mighty fine living off of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The problem with MPs isn't that they don't work hard. The real problem with MPs is that they are mostly raving, egotistical megalomaniacs. It's not the job that turns them this way, it's just the fact that mostly raving, egotistical megalomaniacs want to become one. Don't forget, 29% of MPs have had a private education and more than one in five went to Oxbridge.

What normal 12-year-old wants to grow up to be a Member of Parliament? Any kid that does deserves to lose their lunch money. Unless they want free school meals, in which case they can get a wedgie instead. Normal children want to be something that makes them cool, like an astronaut. Or something that makes them rich, like being a footballer. Or something that makes them cool and rich, like a space footballer. You can't make being an MP cool, but you can make them rich.

Yeah, I know £80,000 a year makes you rich, but I mean rich, rich. I mean having a bottle of olive oil in the kitchen that you're not allowed to cook with. Rich. The salary they have at the moment is enough to attract junior autocrats, but not enough to attract decent, normal, hard-working people. So up the pay. Pay something that would turn the head of, I don't know, Tony down the legislature. I want Tony to the leisure centre.

I want Tony to run for Parliament. He'd make it illegal to turn up to the gym without a towel and eliminate bum sweat from gym equipment once and for all. This week, Keir Starmer told the CBI that he wouldn't throw money at problems to fix them, promoting fiscal responsibility. Ah, that's where we've been going wrong. Literally throwing money at hospitals like doctors are busking on street corners. The Conservatives have spent the last two years spending money on furlough, test, track and trace, the self-employment scheme,

the £20 universal credit uplift on redecorating their homes. And it worked. OK, we ran out of PPE, HGV drivers and petrol, but they managed to get by somehow by spending loads of money to steer us away from the iceberg. So why wouldn't money be the solution here?

I'm going to tell you a secret. I got into comedy to get rich. Even I found that funny. But what I'm saying is money attracted me, a hardworking, fairly well-educated and sensible person, into a profession that involves standing up in front of people and being judged every day, which means I might as well be an MP!

Have the job of an MP be a clear gateway to unimaginable wealth and maybe more ordinary people will want to do a job that is meant to serve the needs of ordinary people and attract ordinary people who want to do a job that is meant to serve the needs of ordinary people and attract fewer people who want to serve the needs of the ducks in their moat. Athena Cablano.

So, next Wednesday is the 1st of December, but no one needs an advent calendar any more. There's an entirely secular countdown to the festive season, starting with the person in your road who puts a tree in the window the day after Guy Fawkes' night, then the feast of the new John Lewis advert, the start of I'm a Celebrity and the end of Bake Off, and the traditional sighting in the newspapers

of the first crap winter wonderland of the year. Oh, yes. I'm looking forward to that, expecting it any moment now. And that's, of course, before you start on your preliminary testing round of the seasonal Christmas drinks and sandwiches on the menu at the High Street chain cafes, of which there are far too many and which would have completely ruined the end of A Christmas Carol. And so Bob Cratchit and his wife and children,

even little Tiny Tim, sat down to Mr Scrooge's pile of turkey and cranberry toasties and grande double mocha chocofudge spiced orange and cinnamon rum raisin lattes. And Tiny Tim was glad of his Peloton subscription to lose all the weight. Something about all these various phenomena seems to prepare us for the holiday season. Psychologists at the University of Column Filling Research

have been investigating whether the final episode of Bake Off now sends a startling subliminal message and this week they reported that the final episode of Bake Off now sends a startling subliminal message. And this week they reported that the phrase... The winner of Bake Off 2021 is Giuseppe. When played backwards and slightly slowed down becomes... Put your stretchy pants on and open the quality street. Despite having nothing to do with Christmas, Bake Off and I'm a Celebrity do tend to get us in the Christmas mood.

If the commercial channels want to beat Mrs Brown's boys on the big day, they should broadcast the combined crossover episode where Paul Hollywood makes a shoe pastry out of a wallaby's anus. And then gets Snoochie to eat it. Snoochie? Just it. Snoochie? Just pretend we know. Pretend we know, OK. Of course, the shadow of you-know-what still lurks over Christmas this year.

The audience agency has reported that ticket sales for pantomimes and other Christmas shows are down by a third on pre-pandemic levels. The venues deny this, perhaps predictably. I have here the manager of the Regal Theatre here in the town centre. Is it true that this venue is really struggling this Christmas season? No, it isn't. Oh, yes, it is. Oh, no, it isn't.

Our ticket sales are, in fact, up on where they were at this time in 2019. Oh, no, they're not. Oh, yes, they are. Oh, no, they're not. Is it true that this sketch doesn't have a punchline? Oh, yes, it does. Oh, no, they're not. Is it true that this sketch doesn't have a punchline?

Oh, yes, it does. Oh, no, it doesn't. But cells are down and doctors have a fearful eye on continental Europe, where a fourth wave of Covid seems to be taking hold. This, of course, is why the government are urging us to make sure that we're vaccinated. Now, to me, a vaccine or a booster is just like a software update. There are plenty of parallels between looking after your computer and looking after your body, but to stay healthy, there are two main ones. One, update both

as often as possible against new viruses, and two, don't accept too many cookies. And that, it turns out, is also the attitude in Germany and Austria, where the traditional Christmas markets this year will be serving plates of bratwurst accompanied by huge steins of specially brewed nine-admit-Covid-vaccine-in-the-beer. But despite all the problems, a season of goodwill is upon us. And to prove it, in Wales, Labour have agreed to work with Plaid Cymru,

which may mean that holiday homes become the second-hardest thing to find in Wales after a bag of Walker's Quavers. Yes, because, of course, the shortages are still with us. And this week we learned that even some alcoholic drinks may be hard to find this year. But don't worry, because budget supermarkets are ahead of the game on this and are stocking up on lesser-known brands like Johnny Walker photocopied label and the relatively unknown grouse.

And stocking up is the name of the game this week, because of all the modern steps to Christmas, Black Friday is the biggest and annoyingest. Like Christmas itself, the ideal is so far from the reality. The ideal of Black Friday is this. I'm going to get all my Christmas presents from the Black Friday sales. Oh, so many bargains.

Honestly, it's brilliant. You save a fortune. The reality of Black Friday is this. Why did I buy myself three foot spas and a multi-level air fryer stroke pizza oven? Oh, yeah, because I took out a new credit card. But it's not just electrical items. This Black Friday, for example,

will see the release of a Welsh edition of Monopoly in which players can only buy one property. Chance card. You are caught looking at cottages in Gwynedd. Do not pass go. Go straight back over the Severn Bridge. Oh, well, never mind. I've heard Peppa Pig World is nice.

So, in the week of the Bake Off final, what better time to talk about TV that dominates public conversation? Please welcome back to The Now Show, Geoff Norcotts. Hey, guys. public conversation. Please welcome back to the Now Show, Jeff Norcot. Hey guys, have you seen the latest Salt Bay? OMG, have you done Squid Game? Now, to some of you what I just said sounded like gibberish. Salt Bay sounds like one of those places you take the kids on a half term. And Squid Game sounds like one of the increasing number of board games which hilariously squirt you in the face. In fact, Squid Game is a dystopian Netflix drama

about people who have to kill each other in order to survive. Now, I think at this point, the topical comedy show is to just say, like we will be in Britain soon, but the economy's actually doing all right and the roadmap is working out OK. So when people ask, have you seen squid game what i say is like dude obviously yes when i really mean no absolutely not have you not seen the one show i mean honestly there's a mix of light news personal interest stories i mean it's still on its first season

but i think it's got legs. We talk about political attitudes outside the bubble, but there's also a cultural bubble, and nothing denotes your position within it more than what you watch on the box. As a quick test, Ted Lasso, is that A, a show on Apple Plus, or B, the name of a 70s porn star?

Tiger King, is that A A a Netflix documentary or B the original stage name of Siegfried and Roy some of this schism exists because people working in media often have very different tastes

to the general public consequently there can be a lot of noise about shows which in reality get audiences in the low hundreds of thousands you know what show

gets millions of viewers every episode and no credit Springwatch that's right get audiences in the low hundreds of thousands. You know what show gets millions of viewers? Every episode, and no credit, Springwatch. That's right, yeah, but no-one's ever dressing as Michaela Strachan for Halloween, are they? I mean, you're never going to see Matt Baker stumbling out of Nobu with Maya Jammer. Whatever the zeitgeist is, it's getting harder to keep up, even for the cool kids.

In the early days of Netflix dominance, even non-subscribers might have been aware of the bigger shows like Breaking Bad. But now there are loads more streaming services to keep up with. Amazon Prime, BritBox, Argos TV. I'm joking. Nobody keeps up with Britbox. So... The number of streaming services has expanded to the point where soon you'll see the first people in court because of TV debt. Do you plead guilty to the charge of theft? Yes, Your Honour, but I only stole that money. I did for my family, I swear, is it? I'm an honest bloke.

Netflix threatened to cut us off, they did, before we finished the last season of Cobra Kai. Series? In this country, they're called series. Not only is it getting harder to surf the zeitgeist, that giant wave is now rolling in almost exclusively from the US. Britain, on the other hand, we're a once-proud empire, living off old episodes of Monty Python

and trying not to admit that the US office is better than our one. We're addicted to their output and they've got us over a barrel. When they release new seasons... Series! Sorry, series. Series of TV shows, those programmes could one day become bargaining chips in trade negotiations.

Mr. President, how are the trade negotiations going with the UK? We hold all the cards because we got all the good TV. If Britain wants the Queen's Gambit, they have to give us whales, both the mammals and the country. Though I admit I am a big fan of Dad's Army. Those young fellas crack me up. Of course we still make great telly here,

but it's really short due to our smaller budgets. If Game of Thrones had been made in Britain, it would have been two episodes long, and the Mother of Dragons would have had to make do with being the sister of a couple of CGI dogs that look suspiciously like hand-me-downs from Doctor Who. But is brevity actually the charm of British shows? What would series eight of Forty Towers have even looked like?

By now, we're on our third Basil, but John Cleese had to carry on making it because by then, he was on his fourth Mrs Cleese. The tenth repeat of an old episode of Mrs Brown's Boys still gets more viewers than some of the edgy single camera sitcoms which have the broadsheets salivating. All I'm saying is, at Christmas, I can't curl

up with the family and watch the hot vicar episode of Fleabag. Although, actually, Nan might quite enjoy that. Equally, much maligned in liberal circles, Jeremy Clarkson now has a runaway hit show about a farm. Why? Well, it's a really good show,

but mainly, a lot of people still really like Jeremy Clarkson. He's a bit conservative and a bit politically incorrect, much like Britain. All I'm saying is, enjoy the streaming shows, but see them for what they are in reality, cult hits. And let's give credit to the programmes that still manage to pull in millions of viewers despite huge international competition.

For every plaudit Brian Cox gets for Succession, let's also give credit to Stephen Mulhern for his sterling work on Celebrity Catchphrase. For every five-star review of Bridgerton, let's remember it's just Downton Abbey without pants. And for every Scandi Noir, let's give thanks

to the good people of Midsomer who continue to kill each other in such charming ways. Thank you very much. Thank you. Jeff Norcox. Now, this week, the Oxford English Dictionary announced that their word of the year for 2021 is vax. Cambridge Dictionary went for perseverance,

and the Collins Dictionary chose NFT, which isn't even a word. So we thought we could do better than that, and we've asked you, the audience, what is your word of 2021 and why? I've been trying to expand my appreciation of other languages so I have three top words of the year.

Rioja, Merlot and Cabernet. My word is staycation because people froth with rage when you use it incorrectly, which I now insist on doing at every opportunity. In my house, staycation means a sit-down wee. My word of the year is U-turn.

No, hang on, I don't think that is the word of the year. Well, thank you for those. We'll be passing those on to all three dictionaries, since I think a great many of them were better. And finally, it is time for our musical act, playing us out with an ode to freedom. It's Hugh Davis. Many people are concerned by freedom of speech

and how it's being taken away from us day by day. So I thought I'd write a song about it. Enjoy. People say to me, well, you can't say that no more. It's a modern world now, not 2004. There's so many rules at play. God, I miss the good old days when we said what we think. Oh, that was amazing. But now they're saying speech it isn't free so i wrote this song so our voice rings out clearly i just want to scream at my kids when they fall asleep because that's my freedom of speech and I just want to say to my friends That I killed a man

Just to see how they'll react That's my freedom of speech And what did all those soldiers die for in those world wars If I can't knock on my neighbours' doors And tell them I'm horny, and what would Churchill think if I couldn't whisper to a random child that he is adopted? I just want to announce into an Asda tannoy that I desperately need a poo freedom.

And I just wanna say That I'm a doctor When I'm asked by the aeroplane crew You can't say that anymore No, I can't Unbelievable, Jesus And I have delivered A topical song about current affairs

For the now show Again Typical song about current affairs for the Now Show. Again. The producer says I've not followed the brief. Again. But that's just my freedom of speech. You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punce. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The producer was Rajiv Kharia, and it was a BBC Studios production. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull apart only at Wendy's.

It's ooey gooey and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.