Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 28th October

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches. They're joined by Cally Beaton, Emmanuel Sonubi and Christy Coysh.Cally takes inspiration from primates, Emmanuel fights his news addiction and Christy delivers a ballad to a national icon.The show was written by the cast with additional material from Catherine Brinkworth, Alex Kealy, Peter Tellouche and Jade Gebbie.Voice actors: Gemma Arrowsmith and Ed JonesSound: Marc Willcox & Gary Newman Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Producer: Rajiv Karia Production Coordinator: Sarah NichollsA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dillis. With us are Callie Beaton, Emmanuel Sanubi, Gemma Rousmith, Ed Jones and Christy Coyche. And this is... The Now Show! Thank you.

Thank you very much. It's nice to be back. And good luck to Rishi Sunak, who I reckon could easily end up in the top three prime ministers of the year. And even better, if he wants to refurbish number 10, Liz Truss's furniture is still in its warranty period. In an astonishing display of the BBC's influence after 100 years, Doctor Who went out on a Sunday and Liz Truss regenerated into Sunak

the very next day. Or as President Biden calls him, I'd like to congratulate new British Prime Minister Rashid Sanook. In a new British record, Liz Truss had only served for 45 days. 15 less than the 60 days she spent campaigning to be Prime Minister in the first place. Of her 45 days. 15 less than the 60 days she spent campaigning to be Prime Minister in the first place. Of her 45 days in office, Truss spent 10 of them in mourning for the Queen. Although it is likely that she and her Chancellor were laying their budget plans during that time

because Kwasi Kwarteng was so excited about it, he couldn't keep still at the funeral. The basic problem being, in the words of US magazine The Atlantic, Britain is pretty poor for a rich place. But then what do Americans know? I'd like to congratulate new British Prime Minister Rashford Sumac. So where on earth do we start?

Well, we thought we would take a look at everything that's happened since we were last on air. But there's nowhere near enough time for that, so let's just look at some edited highlights. End of April, a Tory MP admits watching porn in the House of Commons we were last on air. But there's nowhere near enough time for that, so let's just look at some edited highlights. End of April, a Tory MP admits watching porn in the House of Commons and sets one of the summer's big trends. He resigns. And that means a by-election.

But it's a safe seat with a majority of over 24,000, so no need to worry. May 6th, Conservatives lose 486 seats in local elections. The press describe this as a better-than-expected performance. May 17th, Foreign Secretary Liz Truss announces that chunks of the Northern Ireland Protocol will be unilaterally dropped, even though President Biden has made it clear this will mean no US trade deal. Who is this woman? I prefer the Chancellor, Mr Risky Kodak.

May 17th, the Queen visits Paddington Station to launch the Elizabeth Line. Headlines reading, Queen visits Paddington, are believed to have misled the nation's children into thinking they know each other. 25th May, Partygate report published. The press describe it as a better-than-expected result.

Despite this, calls begin for Johnson to resign. June 2nd to 5th, the Queen's Platinum Jubilee, a sketch on the BBC, confirms the nation's children in the belief that she and Paddington know each other. June 6th, good news, Johnson wins vote of no confidence. Bad news, 41% vote against. Worst news, that's his own MPs.

June 14th, first asylum seekers' flight to Rwanda is cancelled, leaving the plane sitting on the runway indefinitely delayed. Those on board assume their citizenship has been granted, as they are now being treated the same as British airport passengers. June 15th, Johnson's ethics adviser quits, causing a shock among people who didn't realise he had one. June 30th, Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pinscher resigns over an incident at a party.

Six previous incidents emerged. 5th July, Johnson says he'd been warned about Chris Pinscher when he appointed him, but... I had forgotten that I had been warned. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Ukraine. It's the last straw. Two senior ministers resign. Sajid Javid and Rashid Sanook.

Nine senior civil servants also resign. 6th July, 15 more people resign. Michael Gove is sacked for telling Johnson to resign. A Labour MP resigns just for the hell of it. And Swella Braverman declares she will run for the leadership. July 7th, Boris resigns. In his speech, he says... Like Cincinnati, I am returning to my plough.

His translation is disputed by Latin scholars who say the phrase should be I am returning to making after-dinner speeches for 200 grand a time. July 31st. 17.4 million watch the Lionesses lifting the Women's Euros trophy. It's one of the strangest editions of Planet Earth ever broadcast. August saw the interminable leadership debates

in which Liz Truss faced questions and gave a selection of answers. There was... I am focused on growth. Then there was... The important thing is to encourage growth. And also... Higher growth is key here.

It wasn't clear if she wanted the job as Prime Minister or panellist on Gardner's Question Time. At the end of it, she becomes one of the three of the last four prime ministers with a degree in PPE from Oxford, which isn't surprising as undergraduates are given a document on arrival. Please sign at the bottom. It says that I agree at some point to become prime minister.

That's right. Surely you've heard of a PPE contract? Oh, come on, it took nearly a week to write. Then there is a break from politics to mourn Her Majesty the Queen. Then there's a longer break to clear away half a million Paddingtons left by children misled into thinking that they knew each other. Then, on 23rd September... The announcement of the mini-budget. The pound markets and polls plunge simultaneously.

The Chancellor lifts the cap on bankers' bonuses and the bankers immediately seize the chance to earn them. OK, everybody, start shorting the pound! Hooray! Just 27 days later, Truss resigns. It's unprecedented in British politics. Up to now, the shortest units of time, officially, are the zeptosecond and the yoctosecond.

But scientists at CERN make an incredible discovery. Professor, this is incredible. We just detected a particle that lasted a truss-a-second. Boris Johnson is on holiday in the Caribbean when he realises he has the chance to fight another leadership contest. He is tempted to follow the example of his hero, Winston Churchill, and fight it on the beaches. But eventually, he does fly home early.

Only to find that the 1922 committee have changed the rules, as one Sunday paper puts it. Tory members' fury as telephone votes are ditched for digital, but up to 15% have no online access. However, in the end, they don't get to vote at all, and the one in six Tory members who are internet-free will be furious when someone finally tells them. Although it's not all bad,

their postcard votes will arrive in time for the next leadership contest. Around next Wednesday. Frankly, it's been a ridiculous five-and-a-half months, and at the end of it, Italians are making British Prime Minister jokes, and all those gags about Rishi Sunak's height have not stopped him achieving the highest office. Many questions remain unanswered. Did Boris really get over 100 nominations?

He's Michael Gove, the minister for levelling up, taking down or getting even. Still, at least we know who's going to be Prime Minister this time next week. That's right, Penny Morden. Our first guest is making a debut on the Now Show, so please give a warm welcome to Callie Beaton. Finally, after 70 years,

a white man's been given the chance to be queen. Representation matters! Charles got the job he'd waited his whole life to do, his mum's job. Being king used to involve invading countries, decapitating your wife and locking your enemies up in the tower. So far, he's mainly been sending greetings cards to centenarians. There's something nice, though, isn't there, about a kid following a parent into the family business?

It's a bit like when Phil Mitchell got hold of the Queen Vic. You know, wipes the brains behind the operation, he can't really pull a pint, and the Christmas special's definitely the most important of the year. And who can forget that classic argument between Harry and King Charles? You're not my real dad. Yes, I am. I don't think my son's looking at me thinking I really want to get into the family comedy business. You know, getting paid in dirty tenors, heckled by vomit, and taking career advice from blokes who know comedy

because they smashed their best man speech in 1997. No, my son knows where the planet's headed. He has picked animals over humans. And I think that's a smart decision. You see, my son is an autistic primate keeper. That's a primate keeper who's autistic. He doesn't look after autistic animals, you know, like gorillas who are really good at maths. So the king finally got to send his first batch of 100th birthday cards after they'd been suspended for a month following the Queen's death.

Because if there's one thing you've got when you turn 100, it's time on your side. I don't know if you've seen the card. It's King Charles and the Queen Consort in their Sunday best, grinning at the camera, all pinstripe and pearls. Camilla's even had her highlights done. It's like when your Auntie Tina updates her Facebook profile picture after a Mediterranean cruise with Jim from Book Club. A hundred-year-old Ruth Park Pearson from Tadcaster, North Yorkshire, was delighted when

her card arrived in the post. At least that's what she said. I mean, she might have said, my goodness me, but I think what she was thinking was, are you kidding me? It was my birthday four weeks ago and I didn't even get the right royal. It's like the time I asked Edward Fox round for dinner and Lawrence turned up. You see, the problem really is everyone's living longer. It's estimated that one in three of today's babies will live to see their 100th birthday. That is a lot of cards. I mean, when the Queen started, it took a couple of hours a month.

She dropped them round on her bike. He's off to the post office every other day. No wonder he gets a right cob on if his pen's not working. An environmental king who's inherited the biggest energy crisis of our time. Now, I'm not going to lie, as a menopausal woman with my hot flushes, it's tough not to feel a little bit smug.

This is our moment. Come the cold snap, it'll be grab a menopausal to warm your hands up. We'll be getting paid to sit in pub gardens. I used to think when younger men were trying to get my number after gigs, it was because I'm a hot piece of arse. Then I realised it's literally because I'm a hot piece of arse. When they look at me and their eyes light up,

it's not about what they want to do to me in bed, it's about the money they want to save on heating. Everyone should be aspiring to be menopausal. I mean, we've got no short-term memory. Read the news? Doesn't matter. Forgotten about it two hours later. Speaking of older women, it's been a rough old week for Madam Two Swords, hasn't it?

No sooner had they finished melting down Liz Truss than... ..to just stop oil protesters smash chocolate cake in the face of King Charles. I mean, if it's about climate change, they should have at least have used a baked Alaska. Now, look, I get it. I lose sleep worrying about the environment.

I know from my son that more than 60% of primate species are threatened with extinction. But don't bring Van Gogh into it. I feel a real connection with Van Gogh. You know, the ginger hair, the mental health struggles, people only realising the extent of our genius after we're dead. Say what you like about Rishi Sunak, but none of this would have happened if it was up to him.

There'd have been no sunflowers once Vincent had retrained in tech. My son says there's a lot we can learn from primates. They wouldn't waste their food on protests. They'd eat their food and throw their poo against a wall. And primates don't need to go on strike, but nobo apes resolve conflict by rubbing genitals. Rub genitals.

Incidentally, my favourite jazz musician. Rail workers? Rub genitals. To be honest, I think Boris Johnson has always resolved arguments by rubbing genitals. That's why he's got so many kids. It's also why he and Dominic Cummings are never going to patch things up. My son even has advice for our new king. He says, don't worry. The only way a silverback

can be toppled is by death, not by chocolate cake. You're basically a king gorilla. You've had to make your entire life in captivity. We don't really want your thoughts on modern architecture. But you're popular with tourists and people love seeing you having your little tea parties behind glass. And if you end up having a mountain encounter with David Attenborough, try not to kill him. Or at least, not before you've sent him his 100th birthday card. That was Callie Beaton. So one of Rashid Sanouk's many U-turns so far has been to

re-ban fracking, keeping a 2019 manifesto promise, but annoying Jacob Rees-Mogg, who said he'd be happy to have fracking in his garden. I'm not convinced he knows quite what fracking is. It sounds like some dodgy public school ritual. I say, come quick. Blankensop is due for a good fracking. Of course, we found out last

month that fracking in the UK will not work due to geological conditions. Yeah, says some ecotype lefty. Oh. Quadrilla is a brilliant name for a fracking company because it sounds like one of the prehistoric subterranean creatures that might be disturbed by it. What's that attacking Blackpool Tower?

It's Quadrilla, unleashed by injecting pressurised chemicals into the Earth's crust. He's heading towards Lithum St. Anne's. We are meddling with forces we do not understand. But C-NAC's problems don't end there. Even though he's not going, the countries of the world will meet next month in Egypt for COP27. Another attempt to hold the world to the Paris Climate Agreement and to ensure that by 2050 we get to net zero,

which is a problem for some global players who don't even really seem to understand what it is. Who is this guy, net zero? Is he a friend of Rashid Sanook? Donald Trump, meanwhile, thinks Net Zero is what he puts down on his tax form under income. At the last COP meeting, India and China backed out of binding commitments at the last minute, so it looks like a tough ask. But one question the new PM has to decide is whether King Charles will be allowed to attend, having been ordered not to go by Liz Truss.

I suspect His Majesty needs to deploy the same phrase he did with Truss. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Yeah, the same phrase, but in a more menacing kind of East End kind of way. So, Mr Sunak, can I go to Sharm el-Sheikh for the climate conference? Well, at the moment, Your Majesty, I'm afraid not. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. It'd be a shame if there had to be another leadership contest so soon. But while he has reinstated the fracking ban,

Sunak has already made many question his commitment to the environment. New PM Rishi Sunak has removed Therese Coffey as Minister for Health. Oh, thank God for that. And appointed her as Minister for the Environment. No! To be fair, we don't know her views on the subject, but while she was at health, she was meant to produce a smoking action plan as part of the government's 2019 commitment to get Britain smoke-free by 2030.

She seemed to have no plans to publish it, which isn't to say she doesn't have a smoking action plan. She does. It goes... Do you fancy one? Perhaps she was just being pragmatic. She knows we're never going to get Britain smoke-free while people are burning their furniture to stay warm. It's worth remembering, though, that coffee is MP for Suffolk Coastal,

a constituency which, if climate change isn't slowed, will gradually shrink to consist of one voter clinging to a steeple in what remains of the highest suburb of Ipswich. Now, energy policy, of course, is difficult at every turn and for every country. At the moment, Europe's official energy policy seems to be hope for a mild winter. Every method of generating electricity is controversial. Nuclear power is so shrouded in secrecy, we don't really know what's going on.

For all we know, Sizewell C is just Sizewell A after it got regraded by safety inspectors. Now, for legal reasons, we must point out that is only a joke. Sizewell A is being dismantled, and we know safety procedures are being followed because the fuel rods on eBay all have certificates. This summer's heatwave proved that energy security is even more complicated than we realised. Germany, for example, decided to abandon nuclear power

after the Fukushima disaster. The River Rhine dropped so low that large cargo vessels have only just been allowed back now. Oh, thank Himmel for that. We've been waiting six months in the Suez Canal. In France, which has 56 nuclear power stations, mostly built on rivers, the heatwave made the river water so hot

it could no longer be used to cool the reactors because the extra heat flowing back into the rivers made them even hotter. So hot, in fact, that they were endangering all fish that were swimming in them. And that left them with only one choice, if they were to avoid breaking French law. President Macron, we are shutting down the nuclear network. Why? Because otherwise our fish will be overcooked.

Mais non! France is now facing energy shortages and power cuts this winter. Incredible. There haven't been blackouts in Paris since they introduced absinthe on the Eurostar trolley. It's even been announced that the light show on the Eiffel Tower this winter will be switched off an hour early, which won't do much for the city's reputation.

Sophie, I brought you here to this restaurant overlooking the Eiffel Tower for a reason. Sophie, I... What's happened? Is there some sort of emergency? Oh, yes, madame. I'm afraid this fish is overcooked. The big problem with nuclear power is not so much the reactors which have operated safely for years in the UK,

it's what to do with the waste. It can be buried deep in the earth. Exactly. Alternatively, it can be buried in Jacob Rees-Mogg's garden. He's happy with that, apparently. Or, in a radical new approach, Suella Breverman wants to send it to Rwanda. Next on the Now Show is a comedian

who previously made a living as a doorman, so that's bad news for any of you who are wearing trainers. It's Emmanuel Sanubi! any of you are wearing trainers. It's Emmanuel Sanubi! I never used to enjoy watching the news. However, now I'm hooked on it because

it's become like that TV series that's run out of good plot lines, so now they just make up the craziest stories they can just to keep us entertained and glued to it like the amount of times i've sat down and watched and thought this cannot get any worse and it's literally like the news goes okay watch this um i've now started watching the news the same way i watch the crown

i pause it every three minutes and i go and Google how true the storyline actually is. It's not called the news anymore in my house. It's called, guess what's happened now? Breaking news, Liz Truss takes the role of Prime Minister. And then in the same story, three minutes later, Liz Truss resigns. David Blaine lasted longer suspended in a glass box above the Thames with no food or water than she did as Prime Minister. They've actually got something in common because David Blaine a few years ago actually was buried alive for seven days. Only difference was he got other people

to bury him. She decided to bury herself. It's got to the point where Americans laugh at our government. Do you know how bad it has to be for Americans to laugh at our government? Americans laughing at our government is like Prince Andrew laughing at you for giving a bad interview. That's how bad it is. I've been glued to the news recently, just like the protest group Just Stop Oil, who have been in the news for throwing tomato soup over a Van Gogh, mashed potato over a Monet, and threw cake over a waxwork of King Charles.

The social warriors then glued themselves to the wall and had to be removed. Do you know what I'd have done? I'd have left them there. I'd have just left them glued to the wall. That you know what I'd have done? I'd have left them there. I'd have just left them glued to the wall. That's what they did in Germany when a group of protesters sprayed paint on the Porsche museum and then glued themselves to the floor. They finished their day shift, locked the doors, turned the heating off and left. That's what you wanted. That's what you've now got.

That's how my mum would have dealt with that situation. that's how my mum would have dealt with that situation. I threw a strop once in a shopping aisle, threw myself on the floor because I couldn't get my own way while we were out food shopping. Do you know what she did? She left me there. That's how she handled the situation. And I'll be honest, I'm an adult now, so I should probably stop doing that.

I mean, if you are going to protest with food, throwing soup, I get it it because it's in a can it's convenient but mashed potatoes that takes a lot of effort that that takes practice to get the right consistency there's so many easier things and i can't imagine them like what point did they go through and they were boiling those potatoes or waiting for them to cool down or adding the creme fraiche with a bit of milk, sliced seasoning with salt and pepper. At some point, somebody must have thought,

should we just use paint? That's how I think we should take their concerns seriously. How much effort do they put in to the tool they're using for damage? Like, can of soup, zero effort. Whatever your issue is goes right to the bottom of the morality pile. You throw a beef wellington. You mean business. Like, you make the pastry from scratch.

That takes some serious effort. Rishi Sunak is about to take on the hardest job at the worst ever time and if he's following the trend of his predecessors he's only got days to do it. I'm about as confident in this as I am jumping out of a plane with a knitted parachute. He's acting like we don't all recognise him from that wonderful show, Whose Lockdown Is It Anyway, don't all recognise him from that wonderful show, Whose Lockdown Is It Anyway? A satirical panel show from 2020 that was on every day at five o'clock when a group of politicians take turn improvising on how to run a country. Anyway, stay tuned for another episode of Guess What's Happened Now? Rumours have spread in that the wife of Rishi Sunak, Akshata Murthy, teams up with

rapper Jay-Z to create her new Christmas album, I've Got 99 Problems But My Tax Ain't One. And then there's Sunimi there. So, our musical guest is the best musical comic in Wakefield, but has big dreams of conquering all of West Yorkshire. Please welcome Christy Coyche.

Usually I would never get emotional But when you left I couldn't help but cry You used to be my favorite Character when you were on Gavin and Stacey Then you moved out to America and forgot about little old me When did you become such a massive Hollywood brat

You used to be my hero till I saw your When did you become such a massive Hollywood brat? What happened to me? You used to be my hero till I saw your performance in Cats. You got barred from a restaurant for shouting because you didn't get the eggs you want. Nobody likes a hair in their food, but that doesn't mean you have to be rude. You went to a place called Balthazar and it's clear to see that you took it too far because when you shouted out the waitress I knew that would be the end for us. Remember Bryn and Nessa? All the good times you had? Was it not enough?

Now you're berating waitresses in restaurants and ruining musicals for everyone. Now I know this might sound mean and rude but I don't want to make it a habit. But I'll never be able to forgive you for what you did to Peter Rabbit.

What happened, Smithy? Remember back in the day with the joy you used to fill us? What happened, Smithy? You should have got an Oscar for lesbian vampire killers. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! urethra inspection. Now watching you sing on Carpool Karaoke makes me want to shoot myself in the knee.

The only time I'd ever watch that show was if you were with Thelma and Louise. Spoiler alert, they drive off a big cliff at the end. No, I'm only kidding.

James, if you are listening to this, I really, really want to be on Carpool Karaoke, so please get me on. What happens with me on Thank you You've been listening to The Now Show

starring Steve Hunt Hugh Dennis Callie Beaton Emmanuel Sanubi Gemma Arrowsmith and Ed Jones The show was written by the cast

with additional material from Catherine Brinkworth Alex Keeley Peter Toulouse and Jade Ke from... The song was written and performed by... The producer was... And it was a BBC Studios production!