Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 29th October ft Felicity Ward, Aurie Styla and Jess Robinson

Episode Date: October 29, 2021

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches and they're back in the BBC Radio Theatre in front of a remote audience.Joining them from a safe distance is Felicity Ward who has a foolproof plan for improving food in this country and Aurie Styla giving survival tips for the pandemic and the smug benefits of owning an electric car.We also get a sneak peek at Adele's 23rd album, 96, from Jess Robinson. Music composed by Alex Silverman.Voice Actors: Gemma Arrowsmith and Luke KempnerProducer: Pete Strauss Production Co-Ordinator: Sarah SharpeBBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Felicity Ward, Ori Styler, Jess Robinson, Luke Kempner and Gemma Arrowsmith. And this is... The Now Show! Woo!

Thank you very much. And this week, a week in which the UK really should have been emphasising its environmental credentials to the world, 265 MPs voted to allow raw sewage to be discharged into waterways. Which is worrying for two reasons. One, it can have dangerous consequences, and two, it's pretty much the plot of the Simpsons movie, suggesting that the US president may turn up next week

and drop a glass dome over the whole country. It is, frankly, damaging to our credibility because this surely is not the Britain that the world knows and loves. Pooh and Piglet stood on the bridge in the Hundred Acre Wood and looked down into the river below them. Ugh, said Piglet. Now I understand why it's called poo sticks. The debate over effluent discharge

revealed some very disturbing statistics. In England, water companies have released sewage into rivers 400,000 times in the last year alone, which explains why their regulator is called off. What? That's over 1,000 incidents a day. There hasn't been that much sewage pumped into the country since the Jeremy Kyle show was taken off the air.

MPs underestimated the public response to the vote and hurried to explain why they'd opted to continue to allow storm discharge into the nation's rivers. My favourite was the MP who said... There's a lot of misinformation floating about. The sewage, of course, is released when storms make the system overflow, so the more it rains, the more sewage there is, which means climate change is making this problem worse.

Climate change is also the reason why environmental protesters insulate Britain are back blocking roads this week. you can understand exactly what they want as they work alongside their fellow protest groups, bleed Britain's radiators, lag Britain's boilers and double-glaze the East Midlands. They should beware, though, because protest groups have a habit of splitting into factions. Insulate Britain are to separate into two groups. The mainstream loft faction and the hardcore cavity wall faction

will continue blocking motorways, while the moderate draft excluders for all group have promised to lie sideways in front of doors up and down the country. Now, increased rainfall and unnecessary carbon use are just two of the reasons why, at this very moment, 20,000 Climate Summit delegates are heading to COP26 Glasgow, two years on from COP25 Madrid, latest in a long line of sequels

stretching back to the original COP1 Berlin in 1995. There have been COPs in many places, including Geneva, Milan, Copenhagen, Bali, Lima and Montreal. Although, weirdly, there's never been a COP in Beverly Hills. Bali, Lima and Montreal. Although, weirdly, there's never been a COP in Beverly Hills. I think, in a way, that got what it deserved, Steve. In the week leading up to COP26, the Prime Minister has been keen to emphasise the seriousness of the situation. I do believe that single-use plastics are the enemy, which is why I never use a condom.

Actually, our Prime Minister has been strangely unboosterish when it comes to hosting the Climate Summit. I mean, you'd expect him to be going around saying... Britain has the best wind in the world and we will harness that wind in a series of world-beating offshore wind farms which will have the capacity to blow all our sewage into European waters as fast as possible.

But no. What Johnson actually said of the climate summit... I'm very worried, you know, because it might go wrong and we might not get the agreements that we need. He's learned more from Brexit than I realised. He was speaking, of course, at Downing Street to a group of schoolchildren on environmental topics, suggesting, among other things,

that in order to redress the imbalance between us and other creatures, perhaps animals could eat some of the humans. So, if you're wise, go nowhere near Boris' dog, Dylan. And as if that wasn't enough, he also told the children... Recycling is a red herring. Which seems a bit harsh, since recycling is one of the few ways that children can feel like they're doing something to help.

And in any case, he's talking about a species which is part of the problem. Here in the murky waters of the North Sea, we find the red herring, which is an ordinary herring that has found itself stuck in a discarded plastic ketchup bottle. Coincidentally, a survey this week claimed that 56% of young people think that humanity is doomed, rising to 99% if they've just been talking to Boris Johnson. Now, is the Prime Minister right to lower expectations? Well, countries are already lining up to water down any commitments. Australia wants to water down targets on coal. Argentina already lining up to water down any commitments. Australia wants to water down targets on

coal. Argentina and Brazil want to water down targets on reducing meat consumption. And Britain wants to water down the percentage of water in its rivers. And Russia, of course, is a very cold country and wants to keep its gas boilers. They come in very handy for mysteriously exploding in the apartments

of opposition candidates. The leaders of China and Russia aren't turning up to the conference, which cynics might say is ominous, but it's more likely that for Xi Jinping, trying to get there without flying was just too much hassle. So that's one return, Beijing to Glasgow via Mongolia, Kazakhstan changing at Kiev for Warsaw and Berlin, Amsterdam to Newcastle Ferry, changing at Edinburgh for Glasgow,

arriving on Sunday where there's a replacement bus service via Falkirk. Reservations cannot be guaranteed and you might find yourself seated at any time next to Michael Portillo. Now, flying may be out, but flying into space seems to be in, starting, of course, with billionaires. Now, flying may be out, but flying into space seems to be in, starting, of course, with billionaires. Amazon boss Jeff Bezos went into space recently. By went into space, we mean went 65 miles up for 11 minutes.

Just enough time for an Amazon employee to fit it in during their lunch break. But you never know the effect it might have. Yes, because the environmental movement supposedly took off in 1968 when the Earth was photographed from 200,000 miles away, the first time humanity had ever seen the whole planet at once, a fragile and beautiful blue dot, apart from the faint brown streaks around Britain. And the astronauts thought... We only have one home. It needs protecting.

Whereas Jeff Bezos went 65 miles up and his thought was... Hey, we could build a business park in space. A business park in space. Space is no longer the final frontier, it's the new slough. Oh, OK, I've created an atmosphere where I'm a friend first and a boss second, yeah? Probably an astronaut third. So, hmm.

Ooh! Ooh! So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the Now Show, Felicity Ward. Hello. I am going to say, I'm'm gonna say a word that people are sick of hearing okay i'm sorry it's not going to be political it'll be over very quickly but the

word is immigrants i know i know i know but what so we just growled um what i want to talk about is what brings us together okay because right-wing arguments about immigrants have been boiled down to basically foreigners. Am I right? And left-wing arguments about immigrants have been boiled down to foreigners. I'm right. Now, we could talk about the positive economic impact that they've had, how they feel

labour shortages, how they use less healthcare services, but I want to talk about a common language that we all speak. Immigrants, British people, we all speak it. One language. Is it love? Absolutely not. Is it food? You better believe it, baby. Right wing, left wing brought together with a chicken wing. Now, immigrants have left an indelible imprint on the culinary landscape of the UK. What would British food be without curry? It's a night out. It's a takeout. You even have it in your fish and chip shops. And we immigrants, we will go to any lengths to bond over food, whether it's our own native dishes or British cuisine. This week, a Turkish chef who runs a greasy spoon in Bristol,

like a proper calf, closed down because too many people were asking him for healthier options over the fry-ups and other British staples that they once demanded. He closed it. In response to the new clientele's request, the Turkish chef replied, something had to change. So rather than simply change the menu, he extended his closing hours to forever.

Are you telling me that that man hasn't made this country better? He said to customers, you get a fry up or you get nothing. Yeah. You get a plate of heart attack or you get out of my shop. or you get out of my shop. This is a genuine quote from the article. It said, I make myself a traditional Turkish breakfast every morning and people would smell it and ask if that was on the menu. He is baffled and frustrated that people want a better quality of food. What is more British than that? No, he has. He has literally lowered his standards to cook for the great British public.

He saved his pita and his baked eggs and the honey cream cheese for himself. And then he has dedicated his time and life to making the most mediocre bubble and squeak he can for the good of the nation. I mean, the sad thing is, this is really sad. He's actually been forced to open a delicious Mediterranean restaurant in its place and apparently it's doing very well. I feel for him. I really do. I know. I know that not everyone sees me as an immigrant. People definitely notice that I have a different accent, but rather than being an immigrant, I sort of get categorized as being just Australian. She's not foreign. She's Australian. Food is the one point of pride that I have about Australia. We have incredible produce. We've got

incredible restaurants and cafes, but there's a missing bit that the UK has. We have got no Caribbean food culture. It is devastating. We've got no ackee fish. We've got no plantain. It's heartbreaking. The problem is Australians haven't done enough direct damage to the West Indies to need to apologise by opening our borders. to the West Indies to need to apologise by opening our borders. So in the spirit of immigrants having a positive cultural impact, I would like to propose a student exchange program for the UK. Every year, the whole nation votes on the food we need more of. Yeah? Then we take 10,000 university students of any subject from that country, but they do need to complete a small culinary test as part of the applications.

Side note, cannot pick the same country twice. So we're going to work our way around the world. It's like colonisation all over again. Now, in exchange, we send 10,000 of Britain's brightest and most hungover students to study overseas and share the delights and surprises of your fair cuisine. I'm talking bacon baps. I'm talking pickled eggs. I'm talking Angus burgers, scotch eggs, pasties.

I'm talking toad in the hole. Yes. If Brits have touched meat, bread or eggs, then we're going to show the world how to butcher them in every way. And that way the whole world gets to delight in the positive impacts of immigrants and then we all become immigrants. Thank you very much. I've been Felicity Ward.

This has been an absolute pleasure. Bye. Felicity Ward there. It was Budget Day this week, traditionally the only day of the year when TV producers can pitch a show called Millionaire Talks About Maths for an Hour and mainstream channels will commission it.

Yes, and it felt quite old school as 13 years on from the financial crisis, it covered issues we've almost forgotten about, and mainstream channels will commission it. Yes, and it felt quite old school. As 13 years on from the financial crisis, it covered issues we've almost forgotten about, like when inflation is 4% a 3% pay rise means you're actually poorer. The phrase... The phrase fed to the media was that the budget was about the age of optimism. Which I assume means the age when people start saying,

cheer up, things can't get any worse. The whole optimism thing seemed to work, though, especially in testing. Even Keir Starmer was positive. Yes, of course, Sir Keir Starmer had to back out after a Covid result, while a maskless Jacob Rees-Mogg roamed healthy and free.

Why would I ever cover my face with a bestringed napkin, when everyone knows that the plague cannot spread among convivial companions? And to mask would make it near impossible for Nanny to spoon me my gruel. Economically, after the last two years,

the budget was said to be about... Trying to put the Humpty Dumpty of Britain back together again. Preferably without any input from the Grand Old Duke of York. Well, of course, there's no danger of that, because it was all the King's Horses and King's Men who put Humpty together again. The Grand Old Duke of York was in Woking having a pizza and has no memory of ever meeting a giant egg on a wall. But who better to be reassembling economic Humpty than Rishi Sunak?

Yeah, Rishi has been on the front pages all week, pictured working hard on his momentous budget. But when he stood up in the Commons, the main reaction across the nation seemed to be... He's not as tall as I thought he was. Oh, no. Rishi, I'll be honest, he wasn't as tall as I

was expecting either, carried on his naughtiness in his speech. Just as Britain prepared to stage a vital climate conference, the Chancellor decided to cut air passenger duties for domestic flights, partly to troll Greta Thunberg, but mainly to make HS2 look even more redundant than it already does. Now, of course, making UK-only flights cheaper could benefit taxpayers, depending on how many times Boris needs to go to Cornwall. Next, Sunak came to what he described as... A radical simplification of alcohol duty.

Like he can see over the bar. He's cut them down to just six different rates, which begs the question, if that's a simplification, how complicated was it to start with? And will it still be used by the police to check if you're drink driving? All right, sir, stand on one leg on the centre line and recite the six duty rates for alcohol backwards. Anything from 1.3% to 3.4% ABV is £8.42 per litre,

and any beer from 3.5% to 8.4% ABV is £18.08 per litre. No, it's actually £19.08. Right, you're coming with me. No, I'm due back in the Commons. The joys of Budget Night, also more complicated than you might think, is the National Living Wage. Which is different to

the National Minimum Wage. Which in turn is split into four different categories. All of which are different to the national minimum wage for apprentices. What we really need is a national maximum number of minimum wages before it all gets just too confusing. In the end, several commentators described it as a Labour budget delivered by a Tory, and Labour's Rachel Reeves didn't really have that much to work with.

Mr Speaker, this budget not only does nothing for working people, but also, he's not as tall as he tries to look. It's not an easy time to be doing a budget. We've had petrol shortages, fruit picker shortages, hospitality staff shortages, and in the supermarkets, some items simply aren't there anymore, especially if you shop online. Some things are simply replaced with no anymore, especially if you shop online.

Some things are simply replaced with no explanation, and the budget was the same. Er, right, there's your receipts all there, except we've had to replace that item. You've had to replace a Kia Starmer? Yeah, sorry, last-minute unavailability. Oh, who have I got instead? Ed Miliband.

Ooh, fair enough. I'm back for one night only. Did you miss me yet? And now, making his debut on The Now Show, would you please welcome a comedian, writer, and presenter, Ori Styler! Hey, everyone.

Am I the only one that is glad there's no more press conferences? They're all over. Am I the only one that is glad there's no more press conferences? They're all over. Am I the only one that's glad about that? Some mixed messages there. I'll tell you what, I know they're important, right? My thing is this. I lost a bit of confidence in them. I really did.

The most disheveled man in my lifetime. Walking up to that podium at 5pm to give us updates that Apple notifications did at 1 p.m i don't need that do you know i mean i don't need it i mean this is the thing that throws me off the most and i think a lot of people can agree with this right his voice he sounds like a cartoon character when you're talking about what's serious and what's going on in the world the last thing you need to hear is uh yes good afternoon everyone it is imperative imperative that we as a nation do what we can to ensure the safety of the British public. So the steps we are taking. I know, I know. It's weird coming out of his face.

I know. I realise. Oh, it's radio. I'm black, by the way. Anyway, yeah. Then you had Rishi Sunak, right? And at the beginning, I was like, this guy's all right because he was giving away free money. I think all of us liked him because none of us knew what furlough was until we got furloughed. You never heard of that word before.

Let's be real. Wait a minute, hold on. So I get 80% of my salary and I don't have to go into work. Bring some more of that pandemic, please. I need some more COVID over here because this is a nice little switch for me. And then after a while,

I started to get a bit sour with him because he started to say stuff that really upset me. He looked me dead in the eye through the television. And he said, it's time for you to learn a new skill. It's time for you to retrain. I said, retrain? Firstly, I don't know if you know this, I'm a stand-up comedian.

That should let you know, I couldn't train the first time round. And you want me to now pick up a new skill? You shut down all the schools. I feel like for a lot of us, when it came to press conferences, it was sometimes a bit hard to kind of digest, but I found a way to kind of make them

a lot easier for me to watch, right? I turned the television down, right? The volume off, I put subtitles on and I read it in a voice that makes sense to me and gives me kind of a sense of confidence and authority. A real strong voice. Like I choose my dad, hardback Jamaican man man and literally whilst I see Boris on the screen what I'm hearing is you're England just be easy we are gonna be fine soon you understand that's all I'm hearing

it works perfect honestly it does we're soon coming yo by next summer we are gonna link up at Carnival again just, it works an absolute charm. It's been a bit of a rough one, man. The past few months definitely has been an eye-opener. Like, I mean, did anybody here just give me a yay if you were affected by the whole petrol shortage? Did that affect anybody? It was rough. There was people fighting at petrol stations.

There was a shortage. People couldn't get to work. It was a real struggle. I said, it's not right, man. I was sitting in my car talking to my brother whilst it was rough. There was people fighting at petrol stations. There was a shortage. People couldn't get to work. It was a real struggle. I said, it's not right, man. I was sitting in my car talking to my brother whilst it was charging. It's a Tesla. And I said, you know, this needs to change.

This ain't good. I know, I know. I know how hated I am for saying that. I drive an electric car. And you can imagine, during that time as well, I was one of the most hated people around me in my entire circle. Everybody really couldn't stand me. But I decided to drive an electric car before this whole petrol crisis.

I've had mine for about a year now. And the thing is, is I chose it because I wanted to kind of reduce my carbon footprint. It's also a lot more cost effective for me because you save money by using electricity and so on. And the car is nice as well. I just thought it's a better way to live. And I kept telling people around me and they didn't want to listen even though I knew it was a good thing for me to do nobody cared it's like I became the vegan of the transport world there's any vegans in there I'm not even sorry you know how it feels people would tease me when I told them i was going to get an electric car at the beginning when they had no understanding of it they were like imagine driving somewhere that

you have to then park up and wait for three hours to fill up a battery imagine i said you didn't have to imagine did you see three weeks ago ah there was one'm not good at that. I'm not good. There was one woman who was really angry at me and she took to social media to address herself. She was fuming, but I still responded because in my eyes,

I thought it'd be a bit of fun. And these are some of the things that she had said. I'll read them out to you, right? She goes, you won't be laughing when lightning strikes, will you?

Like, all cars aren't made out of metal. Ugh! Like, come on now, think about, i'm not the only conductor on the road and she responded again yeah well how about this what happens when in the uk all of the electricity runs out what will you do then i said exactly the same as you panic i think my car will be the last thing that i have to really think about. I've got bigger fish to fry. If that happens, we'll be living in a Mad Max dystopia. Do you understand?

And if that does happen, there's only one benefit I can think of, is that, well, you won't have any battery on your phone to do any Facebook comment in, and I won't be able to read that foolishness. Ah! Oh, and also, there'll be no more press conferences, will there? Ah! Listen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening to me. My name's Ori Stiler. God bless and take care.

So, it is Halloween on Sunday, and we have asked on Twitter for people to tell us what Halloween costume would most terrify you this year? So, what Halloween costume would most terrify you this year? Anything without a mask. What would terrify you this year? A Godzilla monster awakened and empowered by raw sewage. A skeleton. Why?

Because, obviously, we didn't shut the cupboard door properly. Halloween costume would most terrify you. Michael Gove's disco lycra. Edward Scissorhands, because my vasectomy is booked for next week. So, thank you for those. And finally this week, to celebrate the release of Adele's fourth album, 30, we have secured a unique preview of her 23rd album, 95.

Live from the year 2086, it's Jess Robinson. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE If it ain't broke Then don't fix it Keep plugging the same old song Slightly remix it Big old piano A pinch of regret Stick them together

Won't you get An Omar plate? It hit the biggest yet And that's just the intro It's easy money, yeah Chorus is mostly vows Highly emotive howls It's cheesy like Swiss grieves

But the way things are today You gotta go platinum to pay for retirement care. Oh, that'd be my meals on wheels. Now, what did I order for dessert? Was it trifold? Apple trombone? No, it's Friday. We always have treacle tart on Friday.

Ah! Hello. It's me. Ah, quick video chat with the great grandkids. Can you see me? Now there's nothing on my screen. Hello, dear. I've worked it out.

But speak up, in fact you better shout Are you sure you've got your microphone on these days? It's more than just my hearing that's gone Cause there's a fire starting in my heart Think it's indigestion Shouldn't have had that treacle tart So I'll keep rolling on All right, mind your back, coming through.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Puntz, Hugh Dennis, Felicity Ward, Ori Styler, Luke Kempner and Gemma Arrowsmith. The song was written and performed by Jess Robinson and the music composed by Alex Silverman. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Robin Morgan, Ellery Morgan,

Rajiv Kharia and Harry Kanth. The producer was Pete Strauss and it was a BBC Studios production. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.