Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 2nd April ft Geoff Norcott, Laura Lexx and Huge Davies

Episode Date: April 2, 2021

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches in front of a remote audience - and all from their own home!Joining them from a safe distance is Geoff Norcott and Laura Lexx with music supplied by Huge Davies .Voice Actors: Emily Lloyd-Saini and Kieran HodgsonProducer: Pete Strauss Production Co-Ordinator: Carina Andrews Editor/Engineer: David ThomasBBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Thank you for listening to the Friday Night Comedy Podcast. It's The Now Show. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Geoff Milcourt, Laura Lex, Hugh Davis,

Emily Lloyd-Saney and Kieran Hodgson. And this is... The Knowle Show! Thank you very much indeed. Hello, and this week the lockdown was partially lifted and the British public promptly rushed to the park with no distancing or masks in order to make sure that we're back in lockdown in time for summer. Six people can now meet up outside,

which is great news for Liberal Democrat MPs who can all have that barbecue that they've been promising themselves. Normality, as we call it in this country, is starting to return. And to prove it, on Sunday the boat race is scheduled to take place on a straight stretch of water in East Anglia. And away they go. Oxford ahead by half a length. Cambridge coming up fast now. It's very close. And, oh, my goodness me, I've never seen this before.

Oxford have turned completely sideways and are blocking the entire waterway. Yes, for several days the eyes of the entire world were on the Suez Canal as the human race enjoyed the spectacle of a news story that was not about doom, disease, division or Piers Morgan. Argument raged over how such a thing could happen. Suez isn't much like a British canal, so the early theory that a vessel had hit an upturned shopping trolley was unlikely. Was it an over-reliance on technology?

Had the captain of the Ever Given been following a sat-nav which had suddenly said, Turn around where possible. Or was it human error? Were the crew fully qualified to navigate a canal? Questions were raised when someone spotted a sticker on the window reading, Ho Season's Holidays. An official inquiry will now take place. And the advance rumour is that the main recommendation for UK shipping

will be that all vessels traversing a difficult channel should be piloted by Timothy West and Prunella Scales. They never seem to have this problem. And it really did cause a problem. The sideways ship was costing billions and led to a huge influx of tugboats, dredgers and media, while suggestions for removing the blockage came from Yuri Geller, dozens of shipping experts, and Barry Scott, who arrived in Egypt clutching a bottle of Sillit Bang

and shouting, bang, and the boat is gone! Within 48 hours there was a queue of over 300 ships at either end of the canal, while others decided not to wait and instead followed the massive yellow diversion signs that hurriedly erected on the Horn of Africa and set off round the Cape of Good Hope, adding four weeks to the journey. Wait or divert were the only two options to choose from, because nobody wanted to contemplate option three. Attention all crews, the Suez Canal is closed for essential dredging work.

A replacement bus service is operating via Clothoom, Tyro and Watford Junction. In the end, of course, the Ever Given was successfully floated, which is more than can be said for the good ship Deliveroo. It's an odd name, but she's part of a whole fleet. Her sister ships include the Ever Golden, the Ever Gifted, the Ever Gentle and the Ever Fallen in Love with Someone, open brackets, you shouldn't have fallen in love with, close brackets. The thing is, though, that an official inquiry into an incident like this usually takes ages,

and by the time it comes out, everybody's forgotten about it. Yes. Now, fortunately for those who don't want to have to wait for boring old facts, there were plenty of conspiracy theories online within a day, each crazier than the last. The QAnon weirdos in the US, for example, were straight in there. Noticing the name of the shipping company Evergreen in big letters on the side of the ship, they were off. It's so obvious Evergreen was Hillary Clinton's Secret Service code name. This ship is clearly her private human trafficking ship. It's so clear. private human trafficking ship.

It's so clear. Yes, except that the Evergreen Shipping Company was founded in 1968 when Hillary was a student, so it's not hugely convincing. And hey, codenames are usually common words. There's probably a ship out there that coincidentally bears Donald Trump's codename. Mayday, mayday, come in, Coast Guard. There seems to be a situation on board

the USS Angry Dorito in a wig. Now, I'm pretty sure that Hillary Clinton had nothing to do with it. The ship was actually under the flag of Panama, so the owner was far more likely to be Gary Barlow or the cast of Mrs Brown's Boys. Or it could go even higher than that. The current theory is that only one man could look at the world's biggest container ship

and think, hmm, try it sideways. And that man is... Hello, I'm Chris Grayling. I never said I didn't control the world's biggest cargo ships. I just said I didn't have any ferries. Now, the biggest conspiracy theory of all, which appeared naturally in the sun, was that the ship had been struck by...

The curse of the pharaoh. Apparently, it all happened as 22 royal mummies were in the process of being moved to a new museum in Cairo, and the story is that a curse descends when royals move to a new dwelling place, as Harry and Meghan have just recently discovered. It was one of those incidents that everybody claimed had been predicted for years.

However, absolutely no-one saw it coming, despite regularly listening to the shipping forecast. Bailey Fair Isle Faroes... Curse increasing, veering sideways, disruption moderate to high, clearing later. Good. As we've seen, the news even came in two forms, the actual facts and the alternative conspiracy theory.

Why any government would want to decimate its own economy and tax base in order to keep everyone out of the pub for a bit makes no sense at all. But conspiracy theories don't have to make sense. And in any case, when the conclusion is that COVID is extremely unlikely to be man-made, that's not what a conspiracist hears anyway. If you look very closely at the words extremely unlikely, you'll see that carefully hidden in there is the word likely. Whoa! Mind blown!

Of course, the lobby who are most dissatisfied with the conclusion are pangolins and bats who are thoroughly fed up and are now thinking of setting up a new task force. Pangolin, we've been scapegoated and blamed for causing this virus. We need to reclaim our image. Ideas? Well, Bat, I'm thinking a scheme where we sell delicious bat and pangolin soup at a discount to really drive home how safe we are.

Brilliant. We'll call it Eat Us to Help Us. This is only a minor blow to conspiracy loons who have plenty of other nefarious world government plans to expose, like Bill Gates' supposed plan to vaccinate everyone with a microchip. The weirdest thing about the vaccine microchip conspiracy is the idea that they'll put advanced technology into your body for free. Does that sound likely? There you go, you are now safely vaccinated. For just £199 a year, you can now subscribe to 365 full protection. There's an easy way to tell if there's any truth

to this. Just ask any vaccinated person whether they've been secretly microchipped by Bill Gates without even noticing, and if they tell you... I see you're trying to spread a conspiracy theory. Why not use Microsoft Teams? Of course, the thing about

conspiracy theories is that they're not theories at all. They're narratives. They're stories that are emotionally satisfying unlike the random facts of science. Politics needs narratives, which is why conspiracies are so popular. Jennifer Okuri seems to be providing an actual one

about Boris Johnson, while Keir Starmer may be actively looking for a conspiracy theory to pull him level in the polls. It was his first anniversary as Labour leader this week, but he was pleased that no one had signed the card because they were all under orders to abstain. The government, meanwhile, don't really need any conspiracy theories at the moment as nothing that happens seems to affect the opinion polls in any way. This week, the police said...

We absolve ourselves of any blame for the handling of the Clapham Common Vigil. And the Commission on Race said... We absolve the whole country of any hint of racism. Next week, Gavin Williamson will announce that this year sixth formers will be allowed to mark their own A-levels. And if it's as big a cock-up as last year's A-levels, it won't matter, because he can blame... the curse of the pharaohs.

Thank you. And now, will you please welcome back to The Now Show, Geoff Norcott. Hello, I'm Geoff Norcott, and I am a flag shagger, apparently. Now, if you don't waste your lives on social media trying to keep up with modern buzzwords, let me explain. This is a new name for the artists formerly known as Gammons, Ukippers or Middle Englanders. On one level, it suggests the kind of politicians far too keen to distract you with images of the Union Jack,

which is the political equivalent of deploying kitten videos. And applied to regular people, it implies that you're the wrong kind of patriotic and way too fond of our beloved national flag. And when I say too fond, I don't mean fond in that sense, though flag-shagging does sound like the kind of thing you'd see on a titillating Channel 4 documentary, shortly after a romantic story about a woman who married a bridge.

So, cards on the table, I am very patriotic. I love this country, I try to keep it rational, but will confess that I cried three times during Darkest Hour and once during Dunkirk. I can't believe it. The sacrifice. The bravery. A Christopher Nolan film where the plot actually makes sense.

Many on the left are particularly exercised about what they see to be performative patriotism, especially when it comes from the Tories, who have flags on show in every interview, on government buildings, and are probably wearing them as pants. Critics think it's base and jingoistic, but most of all I get the sense the real reason they don't like it is because it is effective. Recent YouGov polling suggests that 60% of people view the flag and those who associate with it publicly in a more positive light.

And as we know from recent experience, doing things that make your party more electable hasn't always been a priority from the wing of the Labour Party who thought the best people to investigate the Salisbury poisonings were the poisoners. Keir Starmer has faced internal party criticism for tentatively trying to get on board with this new patriotism. However, Starmer has also faced criticism from the hard left for condemning police vans being set on fire, writing articles for newspapers people actually read and seeming like someone who actually wants to be prime minister. And more to the point, a Labour leader trying to associate with British patriotism is actually

nothing new. Back in 2007, Gordon Brown was extolling the virtues of the Union Jack and went as far as suggesting that school children should pledge allegiance to it. Now, even I might draw the line there. As a former teacher, it was hard enough getting kids to do their ties up and stop calling me Mr Knob Chops. The Union Jack is a British design classic, like the mini letterboxes and those flexible silicone toilet brushes. Check them out, by the way. Look, it's Radio 4.

You might not like my comedy, but you will thank me for that recommendation. The pleasing visual of the Union Jack is why so many bands, artists and fashionistas have deployed it. But here's where you get the hypocrisy. When Rita Ora, Liam Gallagher or Kate Moss drape themselves in the flag, that's the right kind of patriotic.

However, when the right are patriotic, well, the right are doing it wrong. The flag being flown by certain people makes them uncomfortable. So basically, if you're a working class white bloke, the only time you can wear the flag is if you're accepted a Brit award. Now, my positive relationship with the flag and general patriotism comes from my love of the country now. I love what Britain is, not just what it was. I love its dynamism, its diversity, the way we came together when that awful American

woman cooked tea in the microwave. However, those that fear overt patriotism might argue that I only see the flag positively because as a straight white male growing up in Britain, this country has afforded me certain privileges. Honestly, I don't see why our national flag flying over government buildings is such a problem. It happens in plenty of other countries, including hotbeds of toxic nationalism like Denmark, and I can't see them dusting off the longboats any time soon. However, I guess the point is this seems like a new thing,

so people need reassurance that this isn't the thin end of the fascist wedge and also that someone putting a union jack coat on their pug isn't a racist dog whistle so this is my view i am patriotic i do think the modern left have a blind spot when it comes to patriotism however i don't think the tories should be putting flags in place of a decent policy i don't think there needs to be a union jack on every government building all the time. However, I do think that if there are, it doesn't necessarily mean we're in the last days of the Weimar Republic plunging headlong into a Nazi dystopia. And I don't think taking the mickey out of our national flag is automatically un-British.

If anything, sarcastically mocking something people genuinely love is about as British as it gets. Finally, I do think the Union Jack is quite simply a really good-looking flag. And like anything else blessed with good looks, if you've got it, flaunt it. Thank you very much. That's Geoff Norcutt, the artist formerly known as Mr Knobchop.

Well, with a normal Easter rather curtailed this year and with pubs and attractions still closed, we've decided to maintain one traditional feature of this and indeed any bank holiday, a quiz. Now, we're not quite sure how this is going to work, but if you're a Friday listener, we hope you're going to think, I may not have got many correct, but it doesn't really matter because it'll be the archers in a minute.

If you're a Saturday listener, we suspect you might think, Goodness, any questions is rather odd this week. And if you listen on both days, it's our expectation that you'll think, I got a lot more of those right than I did yesterday. OK, here's the first question. What ban are villages in Wiltshire hoping will be lifted in time for the Wiltshire Best Kept Village competition? Is it A, the ban on picking up litter?

B, the red list travel ban on visitors from Dorset, parts of Hampshire and Shepton Mallard or C, the ban on Donald Trump being able to tweet comments about Wiltshire's best kept village competition? Well the answer is A, the litter picking ban. A litter picking ban

was introduced in some Wiltshire villages in 2018 after the Novichok attack in Salisbury. Other methods of clearing up litter have been tried but these ran into trouble after great-uncle Bulgaria was also banned from the area due to his links with the former Soviet Union. Next, which of these apparent lockdown breaches was not illegal? A. A team of ghost hunters investigating a haunted house in Cheshire. B, the man caught with his trousers down in a lay-by photographing Saturn's ring.

C, the nude sunbather weighing around 800kg taking a nap on a lifeboat slipway in Tenley. The answer is C, it's actually the nude sunbather. And the reason is that the nude sunbather was in fact a walrus. So technically, that's a trick question. It drifted 2,500 miles to Ireland on an iceberg and has since been spotted off Pembrokeshire and Temby. It doesn't come ashore much because it doesn't want to have to self-isolate in a travel lodge. They were all true stories.

The ghost hunters were fined for an illegal gathering in what police described as an incredibly dangerous building. One of them told officers... Oh, would you drop the fine for a scooby snack? The man with his trousers down, by the way, was arrested in a lay-by in North Wales in February. He claimed he'd travelled from Southampton to go camping and photographed the

Great Conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn. Which is odd, because choosing to go camping in Britain in February would have entitled him to a plea of insanity. Next question. Why did Greg Wallace attack the Great British Barbecue this week?

Was it A. Greg has decided that the barbecue is cultural appropriation from countries whose weather actually suits having barbecues? Was it... Or C... The answer is C. decided the best way to let them know this was by ripping them apart in the Radio Times. The answer is C. Greg Wallace said that every barbecue he has ever been to was rubbish! So, while the rest of us will be enjoying the easing of lockdown outside this weekend, Greg will still be socially distanced from all his friends.

Next question. What has been the greatest technical innovation of the year? Well, I'm not going to offer any multiple choice here. I'm just going to tell you the answer. It's an app called Zoom Escaper, which lets you sabotage your own online meetings by making it sound as though you have a bad connection or there's a baby crying in your house

just to give you a reason to get off the call. That is genius. Other sound effects include that of a man crying which you can use if you want people to think that you work at Deliveroo head office. So now, please welcome to the Now Show a comedian who's written a book about

a fantasy life where she's married to Jurgen Klopp. Say no more. Please welcome Laura Lex. So this week, England's lockdown restrictions were eased slightly, which is nice, isn't it? Is it? Yeah.

Except now it's happened, I don't know if I do want it anymore. Oh, I feel like it's like my marriage. The problem that I've got with the restrictions being eased is that I thought I'd be slamming out of this lockdown like a phoenix, you know? I thought, after one year of lockdown, boom. But the thing is, I am no phoenix. It turns out I'm a bird that got all cosy in the flaming embers. Like, yeah, this is my transformation year.

Snuggle down in here, things will heat up. And at that point, I realised I was flightless. I think I'm a lot less phoenix. I'm a bit more singed dodo. I'm delicious, but I'm ungainly. I'm caramelised but with a hint of extinction. I've still got a 40 pound turkey in the freezer from the Christmas that

never was. It sits in there. Every time I go in to get a potato waffle it's just lying there like, oh go on defrost me, have a wing you know you want to. Yeah, I do want to Mr Turkey, I really do. But the thing is, they're saying we can go out again now

and I've only got one T-shirt left that doesn't look like it was vacuum-packed on. So no, Mr Turkey. Like bank statements in my early 20s and the horrible effects of global warming now, you will stay in my freezer and I'll ignore you until I'm ready to deal with you. I've properly piled on the pounds. I really have. I mean, who could have seen it, eh?

Who'd have thought that such weight gain would be caused by being completely stationary and only having access to supermarkets for entertainment? Who could have guessed? It's been so hard in lockdown. First lockdown, couch to 5K with everyone else. Yep, I did it. I even got in a WhatsApp group with other people doing couch to 5K. That's how much I wanted people to believe I was doing couch to 5K. It started brilliantly. I smashed the first part, couch.

Got really comfortable with that. Loved it, yes. Second lockdown, I was like, this one's going to be a long one, so we need to get into the habit of going for long walks in between episodes of Married at First Sight Australia. Third lockdown, I sort of thought, well, there's no point losing my Christmas weight until I've already put on my lockdown three weight, is there?

I've just thrown it all in the corner. But I got into trouble with one of my friends for saying I wanted to lose weight. Apparently, it makes me a terrible feminist. I didn't know. But I said to my friend, I said, oh, I don't like my thighs. And my mate said, oh, well, that's the patriarchy, that is. And I thought, I don't think it is, darling.

I think it's cellulite. But my friend said, no, it's the patriarchy makes you dislike the way you look because of unrealistic body standards and I was like, oh, OK, babe, no We're at cross purposes here I don't dislike my body because I don't look like a supermodel I dislike it because I can't walk to the shop in a dress in weather over 22 degrees without my thighs bleeding.

I do not want now nor ever for friction to be the enemy. It's all very well saying just buy the clothes that fit you, but babe, we're in a pandemic and all the shops are shut except the ones that sell cake. I don't know what to do. that sell cake. I don't know what to do. Also, not that my particular clothes-buying nightmare will be over when lockdown's lifted because it turns out

you guys have betrayed me. None of you lot were putting in even nearly as much effort as me into keeping Debenhams alive and well. Yes, you should sound cheapish, Radio 4 audience. Yeah, considering how much money I was spending there,

you lot must have been actively spending minus money. I now think every time I went there, it was just me and a load of shoplifters. How's it crumbled? I like the consistency of adebonums, you see. I like you go in, anyone in the country, and everything's the same. Where do I go now for clothes?

And people are like, oh, go to Marks and Spencers. No! I can't buy jeans somewhere that also sells crisps. By the time I get the jeans home, I need bigger jeans! I can't believe we had something as pure as Debenhams and we let it slip through our fingers. It's made me beyond sad, and now the only things that will keep me happy are a pair of sit-down-only trousers and a cream egg

with the full six teaspoons of sugar. Thanks very much for having me. I've been Laura Lex. Now, this week it was revealed that Paul McCartney paid off recently a debt from the 50s after he'd borrowed a blanket from a farmhouse he stayed in. So, with this in mind, we asked listeners this week on Twitter, what misdemeanour from your past would you like to confess to? I once added Matt Hancock to my WhatsApp group in order to get a contract for PPE.

I once snapped a pencil in half by mistake in the Blenheim Palace gift shop in 2004, and I didn't tell anyone. I thought it was one of those bendy ones, but it wasn't. 24 years ago, on a visit to the loo at a dinner and dance, the basin tap came off in my hand. I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I just put it in my handbag. This is from Michael. He says, I lied about the amount of experience I had in piloting cargo ships along the Suez Canal.

Thank you for sharing those with us. I hope there's some peace of mind for various people there. We'll have another question on Twitter next week. And finally, to play us out on this week's show, we welcome back a musical comedian who performs with a keyboard strapped to his chest, week and finally to play us out on this week's show we welcome back a musical comedian who performs with a keyboard strapped to his chest which is a safety measure as he used to use a glockenspiel so thank you for listening and we leave you with huge davis one week ago pete calls

me on the phone and pete is a producer on the now show he said can you do a song that's two minutes long and said no problem pete yeah what day do you need it for he said we're recording on april the first but i wasn't sure if pete was making me do it for an april fool's. That's why I haven't put effort into the rhyme. Didn't want to commit. And three days ago, Pete calls me on the phone. He said, how is it going with the song that you wrote? I said, just to be sure, Pete, you actually want me to write a song for the Now Show next week He said, of course I'd never joke about this

But I still wasn't sure if Pete was leaning into His April Fool's joke This is the kind of joke that Pete would do I think he resents me Two hours ago Said please can you send me the song for the show I said April Fool's Pete Yeah I've not done it he said

This better be a joke Because I've already told you this wasn't an April Fool's prank I would never do something like We need the song in the next few hours Can you stop messing around And just tell me what story you're covering this week This better be a joke, because I've already told you this wasn't an April Fool's prank. I would never do something like that. We need the song in the next few hours. Can you stop messing around and just tell me what story you're covering this week, please? I said I've done a song about the Suez Canal. But I still haven't done a song about the news this week.

He could still be joking. This could very well be a private joke I'm still not sure this could be on the radio if so a boat got stuck

in the sewers canal another boat came and I think it's okay now Keep on listening to The Now Show starring Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis, Jeff Norcott, Laura Letts, Emily Lloyd-Samey and Kieran Hodgson. The song was written and performed by Hugh Davies. Well, barely, I don't suppose he'll be paid.

The show was written by the cast with additional material from Alex Keeley, Catherine Brinkworth, Stella Ajayi, Rajiv Kurrier and Tasha Danraj. The producer was Pete Strauss and it was a BBC Studios production. APPLAUSE This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.