Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 2nd December

Episode Date: December 30, 2022

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches. They're joined by Jamie MacDonald, Lucy Porter and Ed MacArthur.Jamie MacDonald shares his experience of Disability History Month, Lucy Porter examines our increasingly secular population and Ed MacArthur is a PR consultant, rebranding famous faces.The show was written by the cast with additional material from Aidan Fitzmaurice, Zoe Tomalin, Rachel E. Thorn and Cameron Loxdale.Voice actors: George Fouracres and Lola-Rose MaxwellSound: David Thomas Sound assistant: Guy Marley Executive Producer: Richard Morris Producer: Sasha Bobak Production Coordinator: Sarah NichollsA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hi, Hugh Dennis here. Just after a moment of your time before you listen to the Friday Night Comedy podcast. A sense of belonging. A good night's sleep. A feeling of safety. Everything starts with home. But not everyone has one. By supporting the Radio 4 Christmas Appeal with St Martin in the Fields,

you can help change that. This year, the St Martin's charity has already supported thousands of people to find a safe place to call home, and your gift can help ensure that this vital work continues. Please support the Radio 4 Christmas Appeal with St Martin-in-the-Fields by donating online on the Radio 4 Christmas Appeal website. Everything starts with home and this Christmas, home can start with you. Enjoy your podcast. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz And I'm Hugh Dennis With us are Jamie MacDonald, Lucy Porter, George Fouracres, Lola Rose Maxwell and Ed MacArthur And this is... The Now Show!

Thank you very much. Well, it was a week of talking tough, but not necessarily doing very much. The government talked tough over dealing with strikes because it looks like the run-up to Christmas is going to be wracked by a series of industrial disputes. Pay disputes are coming, pay disputes are coming. The number of them, though, is actually extraordinary. So far, train drivers, lecturers, royal mail workers,

airline ground staff and Green King brewers will all be on the picket lines, along with dockers, oil workers, 100,000 civil servants and Amazon employees, although that might be resolved if negotiations speed up. So what do you think of our initial offer? Er, what offer? Oh, sorry, we left it with your neighbours.

On top of these, 76 NHS organisations will see nurses walk out and walk home, as it's cheaper than having to pay for hospital parking. Doctors are not on strike, but they are helping out by writing placards that are impossible to read. As usual, there are tough talking plans to call in the military. It's kind of weird the way the army is continually cut back in size and yet given more and more things to help out with. Surely there's a limit to how much help the average soldier can be in the NHS.

This is my stethoscope, this is my pen. This is my stethoscope, this is my pen. Doing stuff that I'm not trained for again. Doing stuff that I'm not trained for again. Doing stuff that I'm not trained for again. I don't know, but I've been told. I don't know, but I've been told. How to tell if someone's ill or just quite old. It is possible that someone at the NHS misunderstood their instructions

and thought they'd been ordered to bring in someone called private healthcare. Strikes and disputes, of course, always present a stern test for a Labour leader. Do they sympathise? Do they honk their support? Do they talk tough or talk waffle? Zakia, the focus group results are in. People are worried that you aren't up to the task of tough talking. Well, as you well know, one of my main pledges in the leadership campaign was to be a straight-shooting tough talker.

Exactly. And it's because it was one of your main campaign pledges that people are worried you'll do the exact opposite. Talking of doing the exact opposite, there was an about-turn this week accompanied by a lot of tough talking about China, with the Prime Minister declaring... The end of the golden era of Sino-British relations. He then added there was one honest. Although China is battling its own public at the moment because they've opted for a policy called

zero Covid, a staggeringly draconian form of lockdown which has gone on for two years with huge economic damage rather than buy a western vaccine that actually works the chinese blame us though saying their medical firms spent too much time making unusable ppe for friends of matt hancock under zero covid china have literally been welding people's front doors shut to stop them getting out, a measure Suella Braverman originally wanted in immigrant hotels. Problems with fire regulations, apparently. In a statement against censorship, blank sheets of paper have come to represent defiance for Chinese protesters.

Whereas in the UK, blank sheets of paper represent current plans to tackle the cost of living crisis. Now, in China, you'd be locked up for a joke like that, and they might have a point. Also talking tough this week was Grant Shapps, who denied there is a split in the government over onshore wind farms. The argument over wind turbines is entirely political, of course. You can always tell when an issue is entirely political

because the arguments don't really make any sense. For instance, one of the big anti-wind farm arguments is... They kill birds! Supposedly, UK wind turbines kill tens of thousands of birds a year, leaving them a long way behind British cats, which kill 27 million birds a year. While British airports are granted annual licences to kill birds within a 13km radius.

Yes, so aircraft which cause global warming are protected from birds while wind turbines which prevent global warming are banned to protect the same birds who get killed by airports to protect planes. That's the kind of joined-up thinking we've come to expect from Whitehall. Wind turbines are strange things, though. On the one hand, they're so big you can't transport them by road.

But on the other hand, birds who can spot a field mouse on the ground from 400 feet up apparently can't see one when it's right in front of them. So the solution is obvious. We need to design a wind turbine that can protect birds. But also kill cats.

This is before you remember the 2.8 million birds killed this year to prevent avian flu. It seems drastic, but the alternative is that all Christmas turkeys taste faintly of lamb sip, which is... ..which is apparently against the regulations. But the truth is that the birds turkeys taste faintly of lemsip, which is... LAUGHTER..which is apparently against the regulations. But the truth is that the birds thing is an excuse. The only thing people really object to about wind farms

is that they spoil the view of the pylons crossing the hills. Of course, some high-profile personalities have even more ridiculous objections. A lot of people are saying that the noise of windmills spinning round and round and round gives people cancer. Can you believe it? No, we can't believe it. Of course, Trump may well change his mind now,

as one of his recent dinner guests pointed out that wind turbines are always white. Some of the toughest talking of this week came on the thorny subject of immigration. After 12 years in power and six years after the Brexit vote, this week saw the release of the highest 12-month net migration figures ever. Now, net migration means 1.1 million people arrived while 596,000 left.

Which either makes the UK a very popular destination or a country where a lot of people are wanting to leave but half the trains, flights and ferries are cancelled. Just for information, 72,000 were seeking asylum and 277,000 came perfectly legally to study. Interestingly, when asked why they wanted to study in a country that seemed so hostile, they said... Shh! Count, you see, I'm studying.

Yes, I can, but can I just ask, where are you from? No, where were you from? And now would you please welcome an award-winning comedian who used to be a corporate banker. Says a lot about the economy that comedy is now a safer career choice. Would you please welcome Jamie MacDonald. Good evening, Radio 4. And I know you'll be sick of hearing this,

but happy Disabled History Month. Don't worry, I'm blind blind I hadn't heard about it either I know it's positive and everything but did things not used to just be a day international women's day, remembrance day, train strike day

who's got the energy for an entire month? ADHD month. Must be a nightmare. I only heard about Disabled History Month a couple of weeks ago when I was invited to celebrate it at a reception in the houses

of Parliament. Along with all the other movers and shakers from the disabled world. And the ones that can keep still. It was hosted by the Speaker of the House of Commons, Sir Lindsay Hoyle. And he's a lovely guy.

He's a man from Lancashire. Ey-oh! And it was hosted in his ceremonial lodgings, right? The Speaker's House. And this place was vast, right? Honestly, in one of the grand rooms, there was just this ancient, massive four-poster bed.

And Sir Lindsay explained... This re-confit cot is only ever slept in by this new monarch the night before the coronation What grandeur Splendour and a comfort to know that in this cost of living crisis There is still an enormous room kept warm for the once every 75 year royal slumber party But it was a glitzy do. I bumped into David Blunkett. Oh, champagne went everywhere.

And it was, it was a genuinely well-intentioned do, but disappointingly, maybe inevitably, there was an element of disabled washing. Not literally. Don't worry, nothing medieval. Disabled folk haven't been publicly washed in ages. I miss it.

And then the disappointing bit. We've still got a lot to learn in this proud seat of democracy. Annoyingly, for disabled people there's still a long, long way to go. Why? Why is there still stuff to learn?

Is it that difficult? Wheelchairs can't do stairs, deaf people can't listen to the... Don't worry about that one. And blind people can't find their own way out massive rooms with creepy-ass four-poster beds in them. A simple lesson for the organisers of that event to learn. If you are going to have 200 people that are disabled

to your party and give them free booze, have it in a bit with a disabled toilet. The nearest accessible toilets were miles away. And true, we could have refused to booze. But it was a free bath. We're disabled, we're not idiots. Bladders were filling up like water balloons. The Westminster bubble was about to burst.

It was everyone for themselves. Honestly, as an assistant helped me race bogwards down another massive corridor. I realised Sir Lindsay was bang on. For people to get to the accessible toilets of democracy, annoyingly, for disabled people, there's still a long, long way to go. And actually, coming down for this recording today,

I discovered a new type of bad washing. I'm not doing my job anymore washing. Because I got the train, right, and the plan was to, you know, just figure out what I was going to say to you guys tonight, then go and get stuck in the complicated toilet for a while. Honestly, for blind people, it's like going for a pee in an escape room.

I get back and get psyched up for the show. But instead of that, right, the conductor came on the loudspeaker and deputised every passenger on board. If you see anything suspicious, you must immediately report it to a member of staff or the British Transport Police. Is that not your job? In our new roles, we were armed with the three S's.

See it, say it, sorted. Presumably an alliterative non-secular designed to seed confusion into terrorist organisations. We strike tomorrow. But what about the three S's? It means nothing. It's too catchy. Call it off. And, blind people, we like to do two things on trains. We like to listen out for our stop and listen out for the trolley.

Hello, everyone. It's Simon here, your catering manager. You can find me in Coach B today, where I will be providing a static service. Just get another job. It's clearly not for you. In the trolley game, pushing it's the best bet. But I went to Coach B and I found him. I went, what's your game, pal?

Because Scots always have to sound aggressive on trains. Passageways might not be clear. I waved my white stick at him. I said, I got through it, you'll be fine. I won't be able to get through the whole train in time. Have a go. Well, this is Coach B, it goes to Coach M. So?

Annoyingly for a lazy bastard. That is a long, long is Coach B. It goes to Coach M. So? Annoyingly for a lazy bastard. That is a long, long way to go. Ah, not you as well. Thank you all very much. Good night to you. Jamie McDonald there. So, this week, December is upon us and the TV channels revealed their Christmas schedule.

The usual plethora of seasonal specials is on offer. Arena has exclusive behind-the-scenes footage in the studio as Keir Starmer prepares to record his Christmas single. Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall? I wouldn't necessarily commit to a stocking. A pillow or any kind of receptacle is equally valid in this context. Are you hoping that the snow will start to fall? I wouldn't commit to any promise on that.

Snow is notoriously difficult to forecast and there are enormous regional variations. The single is due out for Christmas 2029. BBC 2 has a Time Watch special about the 200 year old skeleton that was this week found washed up on the Cornish coast.

Which has been classified as an illegal entry to the country and the skeleton moved to a hotel. While the Department for Work and Pensions assess whether it's fit for work. For those in search of a scientific treat, Horizon looks at the news that the thawing of the frozen Arctic landscapes

is awakening zombie viruses that have been frozen underground for thousands of years. Governments are now moving these viruses, 33 of which are unknown to science, to laboratories for testing. So, that's a Horizon special entitled What Could Possibly Go Wrong? That's on the 23rd of December, repeated on the 28th for anyone who's still alive to watch it.

Meanwhile, if natural history is more your thing, there's a very interesting-looking CBBC special. Hi! This week we're looking at a new study by some clever boffins which suggests that bats have a greater vocal range than Mariah Carey. That's the lady your mum sings along to on the radio when she's had some grown-up drinks. To be fair, I should point out that the study also found that Mariah Carey can echolocate her prey from up to 100 metres

in pitch darkness, using the outro from All I Want For Christmas. My favourite bit of the programme is where they interview a bat who tells Mariah Carey he prefers meatloaf. Talking of

classic artists, Sky Arts are covering the Bob Dylan book signing scandal. Yes, it emerged this week that 600 of his books had been signed using a machine that prints an identical signature on all of them. Of all the people who should know that going electric gets you in trouble. Now, on the big day itself, there'll be big changes this year.

Yes, on Christmas afternoon, of course, BBC One will be showing The King's Speech and BBC Two will be showing the film The King's Speech. There's the usual celebrity specials on all networks. Ex-President Trump, for example, is appearing in a special festive edition of Desert Island Discs. So, Mr President, tell us about your favourite records. I have many favourite records.

I took most of them with me when I left the White House. What's your first choice? That's easy. Taxman. I hate that song. Never play it. Next, I predict a riot, except I never predicted it or incited it or organised it. This is all fake news. Coverage continues, of course, of the great global sporting contest in Qatar

that has dominated the headlines, the International Camel Beauty Pageant. They are not to be confused with the World Cup. Although it does feature contestants prone to violent kicking, spitting and lying down on the ground if they don't get the decision they want. We're in no position to mock a quadruped beauty contest, being the country that invented crufts.

So if you're sick of the World Cup coverage, then don't worry, because this Christmas, BBC One has just the thing for you. After the success of his landmark series, Blue Planet 2, the nation's most beloved natural history presenter, returns with, David Attenborough looks at really thick camels. Our planet is home to more than 8.7 million species of plants and animals, but only one of them properly makes me go

FWAH! In another rallying cry to save our planet's biosphere, the wildlife unit's intrepid producers travel across the globe to Qatar, seeking out the world's sexiest camels. And making the slightly less sexy ones

carry their camera equipment. As these majestic animals are threatened by a changing climate, I'm imploring you to start recycling. Or this could be your very last chance to see my humps.

My humps. My humps. My humps. My humps. My humps. My lovely camel lumps. Check it out. Now, the census results showed this week that fewer people in England and Wales are believing in God.

Please welcome Lucy Porter. CHEERING Oh, hello, godless heathens! I'm not being insulting, just statistically accurate. Because this week, the Government's Office for National Statistics revealed that only 46 percent of the population of england and wales described themselves as christian in 2021 down from 59 in 2011 no religion was the second most common response making it in census terms the

most successful lyric from the song imagine no religion was up from 25% in 2011 to 37% last year. That's 22.2 million people. Surely now no religion should be officially classified as a religion. If only to see the look on Richard Dawkins' face when he's appointed involuntary Archbishop of the Unbelievers. I'm what they call a lapsed Catholic, which means that while I'm unlikely to go to Mass, I will still offer a quick prayer to St Anthony of Padua

if I can't find my car keys. Because trusting a Portuguese man who's been dead for 800 years is so much easier than actually looking for them. And while I no longer believe that the Pope is infallible, I could still definitely pick him out of a line-up of men with unusually tall hats. You're not fooling me twice, Jamiroquai. I guess I'm just not someone who's inclined to take ancient mythological texts literally. Although I do remember reading that God created the world in six days and growing up in Croydon, I thought, yeah, you can really tell.

days and growing up in Croydon I thought yeah you can really tell. So is Britain no longer a Christian country? Certainly things aren't looking rosy for Christianity compared to its medieval heyday where failing to love your neighbour would see you burned at the stake as a heretic, usually by your neighbours. Going to church was compulsory in England between 1558 and 1791, which sounds a bit harsh, but then you have to remember that at that time there was nothing good on the telly. A really vivid stained-glass window was your equivalent of a whole season of Peaky Blinders. Christianity may be losing out,

partly because there are just a lot more service providers to choose from these days. In the early 2000s, there was a campaign to get Jedi added to the census, and 0.8% of the population signed up, which sadly wasn't sufficient to see Yoda invited to take his place in the House of Lords. At 900 years old, he'd have been one of the younger members. It's been suggested these census results could make a case for abolishing the relationship between the church and state. This is nothing new. Similar arguments were presented as early as the 1800s,

but then, as now, anti-disestablishmentarianism still has its supporters. I've got no insights to offer on that debate, but I just thought this is the only opportunity I will ever get to use the word anti-disestablishmentarianism. In its proper context, It's a thrill. Lynn Cullens, the Bishop of Barking, reacted to the census results and insisted that the church should not feel defeated. She said, We're like the night tick. We have to go down before we go up. I mean, that is how a tick works.

Yes. The Church of England is clearly failing to appeal to the younger generation. And you can see why it might have a real boomer energy. It was, after all, founded by Henry VIII, an overweight middle-aged man with an eye for younger women. Churches have become the location for the christenings of babies we don't know

and the weddings of people we don't like. Who insist on making you drive all the way out to the one village in Norfolk that doesn't have a pub just because they thought a particular pointy window would look good on Instagram. But there's so much to recommend Christianity. Many of my friends and family find great contentment and comfort in their belief in Jesus. And in a cost-of a cost of living crisis we should all want to hang out with someone who can turn a glass of water into a great night out. Christianity is a great starter religion.

The 613 laws of the Jewish source material are boiled down to a much more manageable 10 commandments and in the New Testament there's really only one new commandment, which is essentially, be nice, leave the places you found it, let housekeeping know if you'd like fresh towels, and don't forget to drop your key at reception. At least I think that's what it said in the Gideon's Bible. I might have dipped into the wrong drawer in the travelodge. In the fractured political landscape of modern Britain,

there's a version of Jesus to appeal to every different group. You can have a Labour Jesus because he wanted to help the poorest and most vulnerable while also managing to be quite annoying to a lot of people. You can have a Scottish Nationalist Jesus because he was an angry man in a skirt. And you can have a Conservative Jesus because most of his influence relied on who his dad was.

Amen. Lucy Porter there. Now, in what may rank as my favourite news story of the week, the baguette has been granted UNESCO World Heritage status. So, obviously being slightly miffed by this, we have asked the audience here which British things they would grant

World Heritage status to. Slightly yellow teeth. Why? Because we are a tea-drinking nation and proud of it. I would grant World Heritage status to apathy. Why? I don't know.

What would you grant World Heritage status to? The Matchbox Advent Calendar. Why? Because you're guaranteed a strike every day until Christmas. Someone's actually written a joke. There we go. Spaghetti hoops. Why?

Because they are the Beyoncé of canned goods. Thank you very much indeed. We'll be passing those on to UNESCO. I wouldn't hold out too much hope. Now, if you've found yourself struggling with a moral dilemma recently, take comfort in the fact that it's been worse for our next guest. Hello, I'm Ed MacArthur. I'm a musical comedian

and I'm also a PR consultant to Matt Hancock. And having had a week to reflect on our I'm a Celebrity success, I thought I'd communicate my experience to you via the medium of highly amusing song. Please enjoy. I said, Matt, you're at rock bottom, but it'll all soon be forgotten. Go on, I'm a celebrity. Repent of your sins quite readily. He said, Ed, I'm not so sure. My reputation's on the

floor. Plus, Parliament won't like the jungle defection, and what if I catch another fungal infection? I said, another? Have you caught one before? He said, yeah, during lockdown. I said, say no more, mate. I said, take me at my word, chow down on testicles and turds, and you'll come third.

Repent from your failure by flying out to Australia. Be remorseful, then be silly. They'll forgive you if you choke on a willy. He said, if you PR genius, I'll repent with a kangaroo's penis. So in the jungle he gorged with Jill Scott and Boy George. The viewers loved him. The hatred thawed.

We buried accusations of PPE fraud. I tidied up his brand. Best PR man in all the land. Yeah, some online comments called him sexist, but I think they were typos from fellow dyslexics Matt seemed so delighted But something didn't sit quite right It feels like the job is taking its toll

I'm in demand, but it's eating my soul David Beckham's on the phone He wants to discuss LGBTQIA+, Xi Jinping keeps pinging me Got an email from Liz Truss It's all so damned obscene. What a selfish fool that I've been. I renounce it all. Announce my withdrawal.

There's a knock at the door. Harvey Weinstein? I'm having a breakdown. So ashamed of what I've done. I've made a mill but created a monster. A creepy Hancock one. But I'm getting so rich I can't quit the routine. Call me shallow, call me highfalutin.

But before you stick the boot in, let me take this call from Vladimir Putin. Thank you. You've been listening to The Now Show, Thank you. The song was written and performed by Ed MacArthur, the producer was Sacha Bobak, and it was a BBC Studios production. Match of the Day Top Ten Podcast. The Match of the Day Top Ten Podcast is back with bigger debates, bigger topics and bigger laughs. Micah Richards is back along with Alan Shearer and myself

as we gear up for the biggest international football tournament on the planet. This new series is all about the World Cup. From the greatest goals to the most shocking moments, Match of the Day Top Ten will debate it all. The Match of the Day Top Ten podcast. Listen only on BBC Sounds. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's.

It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.