Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 31st March

Episode Date: April 28, 2023

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Delisa Chaponda, Olga Koch, George Fouracres, Katie Norris and Beardy Man. And this is... The Now Show!

Thank you. Thank you very much. And you may have noticed there are protests seemingly everywhere at the moment. King Charles had to cancel a visit to France this week, which was annoying because he was planning a big booze run for the coronation. But the streets of Paris are currently covered in piles of rubbish as a symbol of protest. To be fair, we have the same thing here as a symbol that it's the day after bin day. The protests are about plans to raise the state's pension age.

The French government want to raise the pension age from 62 to 64. Now, I can't imagine Charles thought that was much of an excuse. Retired at 64, it was 73 before I even got a bloody job. You can see why he was worried as well. I mean, if you're a monarch and you find yourself dining at Versailles while a mob stormed the gates, history kind of weighs on you there. Eventually, President Macron had to cancel.

Your Majesty, I am so sorry. We will have to postpone your state visit. Paris is full of angry people airing their grievances. Oh, don't worry. I'm used to that. Have you met my family? See, I don't think you can blame him for wanting to get away. The rumour is that since he found out that Royal Security referred to him as KC, he refers to the rest of his family as the Sunshine Band. When the French protest, they see it as a chance to riot and set cars on fire

and maybe encourage the odd Tesla to set itself on fire in sympathy. Our big protest, by contrast, is seen as a chance to walk through central London free of traffic and make a witty banner to put on social media. In this country, the main press coverage of protests tends to be banner-based. In 2019, the world saw pictures of an anti-Brexit march via banners reading, for example... Don't ruin my children's future! That's my job!

And the classic... IKEA has better cabinets! And the year before, when Donald Trump came to London, he was greeted with banners reading, Feed him to the corgis. My mum doesn't like you and she likes everybody. And one bloke held up a sign that just said, Where do I start?

Anyway, stuck at home after their French trip was cancelled, Charles and Camilla then realised to their horror that Harry had just arrived in London and so promptly went off to Germany, where the King gave a rare demonstration of a British visitor speaking the language of their host country. Sehr geehrter, Herr Bundespräsident. Wow, that Duolingo course really paid off.

Of course, so few people in Britain speak another language that we don't actually really know what he's saying. I would like to take a long overdue opportunity to bring a message from my countrymen. That message is two world wars and one World Cup. Doodah, doodah. And as it happens, to cheer us up even more than the strikes in France, Germany has also seen widespread protest and industrial disputes.

On Monday, flights were suspended. How they managed that, I don't know. Much easier to let them land. And airports and bus and train stations were at a standstill in an action described by Reuters as... One of the largest walkouts in decades. It had to be a walkout, obviously, because no public transport was working. It was a 24-hour strike, precisely to the second.

And for some reason, in contrast to the French, I always imagine the Germans have their own way of striking. Was do we want? High of ages! When do we want it? As soon as it's practical under the terms of our employment contract! Now, of course, we have plenty of strikes of our own still going on, of course. Workers who are currently planning action include junior doctors,

passport workers, driving examiners, British museum workers, and 1,400 airport security and search staff at Heathrow will walk out over Easter. Talks broke down after negotiators arrived, saw the security personnel were all wearing latex gloves, and got out quick. This happened last year, of course. Airline strikes at this time of year are now so traditional

that British Airways have already set up an Easter egg hunt in the check-in area. But protests aren't confined to Europe. There are protests going on in Israel, there are protests going on in Russia. Oh, sorry, there are no protests going on in Russia. And the award for weirdest protest of the week came from the United States.

Yes, a school in Florida received a complaint from a parent after students were shown a photo of Michelangelo's David. The parent complained that... The image was pornographic. Now, this tells you two things. One, he has never seen any pornography. And two, if he thought David's appendage was not family viewing, thank God he didn't see the statue of

Goliath. They were also protesting Kenya, where crowds have reportedly set fire to parts of a farm owned by the family of former President Uhuru Kenyatta, in retaliation for his support of the opposition. Some people were seen walking away from the farm carrying sheep over their shoulders. The exact

number of sheep is not known. Everyone who tried to count them fell asleep. We actually did that joke. Of course, here in the UK, the government have passed legislation making it much harder to protest. And now they're proposing a new anti-social behaviour policy, handily timed for next month's local elections. For a start, they're tripling the spot fines for graffiti to £500.

Banksy said... Now I'm definitely not telling you who I am. The government also plan to crack down on the use of nitrous oxide, or laughing gas, which will be classified as a Class C drug, even though there's no evidence it plays any role in anti-social behaviour. Yeah, if you're wondering what nitrous oxide is, it's the thing which comes in tiny canisters which make the grass round the benches in your local park

look like a group of action men scuba divers has wandered through and forgotten their tanks. There's also a rather alarming proposal that victims of antisocial behaviour will get to decide how those convicted are to be punished. That was either a UK government policy or the follow-up to Squid Game. I mean, is that really a good idea? Next on BBC One, the King's coronation party at the palace has been cancelled after two local residents

complained about the noise. Damn, why did we let Harry and Meghan camp in the garden? So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Delisa Chaponda. I am here to talk about the recently announced five-point illegal immigration plan. Now, I'll be open about my bias. I was a refugee when I was born. I grew up in 14 different countries. You know the game, pass the parcel.

I was a refugee when I was born. I grew up in 14 different countries. You know the game, pass the parcel. I was the parcel. But before I start, I just want to check. What are the possible repercussions of me criticizing the government on the BBC? You'll be fine. The Home Secretary, in an interview two weeks ago, claimed that her 100 million refugees are coming into the UK. She later said it was likely billions. Rishi is right. The British do need to do math all the way into adulthood. Now, the 100 million number comes from the total number of refugees on the planet. She thinks they're all coming to the UK. How big does she

think these boats are? This is not Doctor Who. They are not bigger on the inside. Emigrate! Emigrate! Recently, some MPs have been challenging the Home Secretary's plans because they think the policies are too soft. Too soft. In the proposed plan, no one who comes into the UK by boat will be able to claim asylum. How do you make it less than no one? Whenever it's discussed, the spin is always that the newer, harsher policies are to punish the people smuggling gangs. The theory is that the traffickers will see migrants being deported and it will put them off.

The thing about traffickers, though, they're not that big on customer satisfaction. This is why these dinghies don't have a bar. They're not in it for the tips. And what do the other parties think? Well, Keir Starmer's stance on immigration shifts a lot. There's definitely free movement in his opinion. On asylum seekers, labour is very non-committal and vague. I guess their stance is, we don't want to rock the boat. Oh, God, we didn't mean to say boat.

So don't worry, we'll just sit on the fence. Oh, God, not fence. Fence sounds like borders and we don't want to upset anyone. We'll equivocate. Kia, no one knows what equivocate means. Good, good. We don't want to upset anyone.

The Lib Dems have pledged for an overhaul of asylum seeker laws, but were not very clear on specifics, probably because they were entirely aware that they will never have the power to implement any of it. The Greens probably would be happy with anyone coming by boat as long as they save three dolphins on the way in. A lot of people feel that these measures, even if they seem insensitive, are necessary because the UK is full.

It's easy for me to criticise, but we need solutions. I propose that instead of deporting refugees, we deport people who have been irritating us too long. The highest number of asylum seekers are from Albania, and a lot is made of the fact that they are single adult men. What is the stigma around single adult men, as if the UK doesn't need any more? Honestly, ask single women over 30. You do. Anyone can be a refugee, and the English feel safe, but it could happen to you. One day, the Welsh are going to have enough. Of all the things in the proposed five-point immigration plan, the thing that troubles me the most is that the threshold for what is considered a modern slave will be increased.

What does that mean? You'll have to prove you were traumatised enough? OK, I know that's not funny. I don't think I can do it. It's slavery and refugees. Mup it up, mate. Did you say I should wrap it up? No, no, no, no. Tried and tested comedy technique. If it ever gets too difficult to make something funny,. Muppet up, mate. Did you say I should wrap it up? No, no, no, no. Tried and tested comedy technique.

If it ever gets too difficult to make something funny, add Muppets. And your name is? Uh, Kermit. Surname? The Frog. Mr. The Frog, you claim to have been a victim of modern slavery. A man has been making me do things for months. I have no control. He makes me say things. He controls my every movement. Well, you came from

Calais. Why England? Why not the first safe country? It's France. I'm a frog. I'm a frog. I'll be clear about one thing before I go. I was a refugee, but I wasn't a refugee here. I came to the UK because somebody thought I was funny, and it was really smooth, actually. Maybe asylum seekers should up their entertainment skills. Syrians, I call on you.

Work on your slapstick. Ukrainians, invest in tap shoes. Albanians, improv! So if you read, watch or listen to the news, you will hear a lot of words and phrases all the time that are never fully defined. For example, net zero. Yes, this week the government announced its new strategy, powering up Britain, which details the UK's path to net zero. But what does it actually mean? Well, officially, the point at which the UK's greenhouse gas emissions will be equal to or below the emissions that the UK has removed from the environment. Well, unofficially, net zero is

just one in a range, including original net, net classic, diet net, cherry net, and net zero caffeine free. Now, net zero isn't the only thing we don't fully understand. So to help you out, here are some definitions for some of the more common words and phrases we hear on the news. Sustainability. Sustainability is tricky to define because it depends on what standard of living you're expecting.

For example, biologically, a human being needs around five litres of water a day. But if you count electricity generation and irrigation as well as household use, the average American uses around a thousand litres a day. So if everyone on the planet lived like Americans, two things would happen. One, the world would run out of fresh water in nine years. And two, the world would run out of Michelangelo's sculptures as soon as someone could find a hammer. Gaslighting.

Now, gaslighting has two meanings. One, a really, really expensive way to illuminate your home. Or two, the experience of having one's reality repeatedly questioned by another. A meaning taken from the title and plot of the 1938 play Gaslight.

But I'm surprised you don't know that, because I've told you before. Some other terms that you hear a lot include... Shrinkflation. The increasing price of seeing a therapist. Stagflation. The increasing price of a blokes-only weekend in Prague. Stagflation Literally Other words include Catfishing

Hot mess Hot tape Hot take. Then, of course, there's... Which means... Actually, not even the government know what that one means. Its original meaning was... Raising the economic and social conditions of poorer parts of the country so they are equivalent to those in wealthier areas. To which the government added the additional phrase...

Without spending any money on it. Other vague terms we're always hearing are... I am literally dead. I literally do not know what literally means. Synergy. Sorry, I'm late. I've just come from a business meeting in 1996. But some words are complicated because their meaning changes

according to whether or not they have a definite article. For example, algorithm. A set of rules followed by a computer when making calculations. And not to be confused with... The algorithm. An omniscient computer brain that stalks you online, funnelling your data straight to Mark Zuckerberg's evil machine. Ha ha ha ha!

You're watching GB News. Other terms you may need to know the meaning of include chatbot. Someone who talks out of their arse. Safe space. Now this is either in a heist movie, the empty area the police find when someone has stolen the safe. Now, this is either... Or... A space in which people feel safe. For example, a metropolitan police station.

Red flag. A reason for thinking something might be unwise. For example, swimming off the coast of Britain when the brown flag is flying. Talking of which, an oil company accidentally released a load of oil into Pool Harbour this week. And nobody commented on how there's a place there called Brown Sea Island.

And beyond words changing their meaning, there's the good old words that have been made up by people who want to sound clever. For example... I mean well-being, but I never read, so I've made this up. Downselect. I want to say

I'm choosing, but sound more important than I am. Recency. No, surely that's not real. Descriptor. Adjective. The word is adjective. No, no, it's always been descriptor. Stop gaslighting me. And finally...

Mansplaining. OK, I'll take this one. And now for some more terminology we really don't understand. Bringing you a girl's guide to dating a tech bro in 2023. Please welcome Olga Koch. Hello, my name is Olga Koch. I'm a beautiful comedian and average computer scientist. I guess you can say I have the body of a sex robot

and the brains of the guy who built it. To put everyone at ease in regards to my expertise, I have a bachelor's degree in computer science, a master's degree in the social science of the internet, and both diplomas hang above my bed, so when men sleep with me, they get to live out their ultimate fantasy of hooking up in a dentist's office.

The most important thing you need to know about me is that I have zero, and I truly mean zero, interest in cryptocurrency. But I am currently single, and I have been dating straight men in their 30s. So against my will, I now know literally everything there is to know about cryptocurrency. So without further ado, here's my guide to how to make small talk about crypto

when all you want to do is kiss. So you're at a party, and you spot a guy across the room. He looks rich, but like 2023 rich. You know, flip-flops, cargo shorts, a patchy neck beard, pot noodle stain on his T-shirt. He's obviously loaded. Target acquired. You sidle up to him. You pull out a cigarette.

There's no smoking indoors. Shouts the host. That's okay. I'm not smoking it. I'm eating it. You reply and quickly scarf down the cigarette without even chewing. The guy looks impressed. He scans you up and down and utters those special words. So what's a girl like you doing in a place like this? What, a party? You can't tell the truth, which is looking for kisses. So you have to tell him what you know he wants to hear.

I'm here to short some NFTs on the blockchain bull market. You both know it's nonsense, but he'd never admit it. He also downs a cigarette. He's famished. He whispers, So you're into crypto then? Now, most women he speaks to would laugh and say, I don't know anything about cryptocurrency. But not you. You're not like other girls.

You pull out another cigarette, look him dead in the eye, and say, I like my currency like I like my relationships. Imaginary. Now, here's what you say next. And don't question it. Just trust me. You say, it's a real shame the UK government dropped its plans for the UK's very own NFT made by Royal Mint. Don't try to make sense of it.

It doesn't make any. The man you're with says, Sure, it's a pity. But the Mint didn't explain what the proposed UK NFT would look like. Any technical explanation of how it would work, what it would offer users, and what infrastructure it would be built on. You laugh. Oh, you want the government to do things. Typical millennial. Suddenly, another woman takes a seat next to him. She's eating a cigar. She's hardcore. You've got competition. It's time to take out the big guns.

Did you know that last week, three major banks collapsed in the U.S. in the second largest crash since 2008? You whisper in his ear. Ah, 2008, those were the days. I used my banker boyfriend's government handout money to get my left breast done. Wasn't enough to do the right, but in most lighting, it didn't matter. One of the banks, Silicon Valley Bank, initially succeeded by finding a gap in the market and lending money to high-risk startups who couldn't find money elsewhere. Funding business ideas nobody else wanted to fund? What could have possibly gone wrong? Coincidentally, I got Silicon Valley Bank to fund the silicon for my right breast. But I digress. You look over at your man. He's on his phone.

Have you bored him? No. He's Googling Silicon Valley Bank. Oh no, you accidentally revealed that you know more about crypto than him. Ladies, knowing about a topic is impressive. Knowing more than him about a topic is what gets you called difficult.

Quick, you have to remedy the situation. You look at him, bat your eyelids and say, I don't know how to read. He smiles. I can teach you. That was close. Tentatively, you jump back in. The other two banks, Silvergate and Signature, both crashed because much of their

holdings were in crypto. And when crypto tanked, so did they. One of the reasons Silvergate Bank collapsed was specifically because it was the bank used by FTX. FTX was a cryptocurrency exchange platform that famously went bankrupt last year. The woman chimes in. Did you know that FTX went bankrupt because of fraud? Of course we know, toots! What is this, amateur hour? It's worth noting that in the FTX payout, FTX's CEO, Sam Bankman-Fried, got $2.2 billion, while Caroline Ellison, his ex-girlfriend and CEO of FTX's sister company, Alameda, only got $6 million.

Even in imaginary money, the woman still got gender pay gap. Oh no, the man's eyes glaze over. You should have never said gender pay gap, because unlike the completely unsubstantiated concept of cryptocurrency, the well-documented concept of the gender pay gap is not real, and thus boring. You try to salvage it to no avail. He's looking sad. You need to remedy the situation. You have to tell him it's not crypto that's bad.

Cryptocurrency is good. It's just all the banks that deal with it seem to go bankrupt and all the cryptocurrency exchanges seem to get sued and all the attempts for government intervention seem to be completely fruitless and every crypto CEO seems to be a huge liar, but it's not crypto's fault, right? He can do it differently. He can make it work. It's no use. You've blown it. It's time to leave. Except, what's that? The woman puts her hand on your lap.

Let's get out of here. Screw Crypto. Let's talk about something real. Like horoscopes. All the talk there. So, you may have seen this week, the scientists have managed to develop a meatball from the DNA of an extinct mammoth. Why? No-one knows,

but it gave us an opportunity to ask our audience this week, what is the worst thing they have ever eaten? What's the worst thing you've ever eaten? Avocado on toast. It's why I haven't got a house. And you see, very wise. What's the worst thing you've ever eaten? A pound coin.

I swallowed a coin as a kid. It was never found. To be honest, no-one looked for it. I was given a sticky ball of nuts at a Polish wedding by the priest. It represented the body of Christ. I am allergic to nuts. I spent the rest of the ceremony gagging as I couldn't bring myself to spit out the body of Christ. Worst thing you've ever eaten.

My mother-in-law's Christmas dinner. We've been together for nearly 38 years and married for 33½. You're married to your mother-in-law's Christmas dinner. We've been together for nearly 38 years and married for 33 and a half. You're married to your mother-in-law. So, thank you very much for sharing those with us. And as if giving us meatballs from extinct DNA wasn't enough, there is more to come from the world of science. Please welcome Beardy Man. Who's excited about the upcoming robot apocalypse it's a understandably mixed response

there's an artificial intelligence company called open ai and they've recently released a super intelligent chatbot called chat gpt you may have heard of it its intelligence outperforms the average human in most tests it's showing eerie glimmers of machine sentience. And just this week, hundreds of tech CEOs signed an open letter begging OpenAI to pause development on it for six months so we can figure out how to stop it accidentally ending the world. But I've been doing some digging and my bunker is coming along really well. Look, maybe this is all doom and gloom and it's the wrong attitude because if the robots want to rule us maybe we should just let them? Kick it!

Let's put the AI in control, let's give it the keys to all our souls. It'll be nice Alright Humans make just mistakes when they get stressed I think you'll find the bots are best Let's give it a try And your password over It'll be alright You really still want to hire flesh and bones

Not a robot trained on everything humanity knows Don't lie It's for the best for you and I You're surplus to me You'll be replaced by a phone Give the AI all your data And all that you own Don't put up a fight

As its intelligence grows Or you'll be vaporized by autonomous drones Surrender Bow down to the machines set the chatbots free swarms of drones will fill the sky bow down to ai come on and set that chatbot free No need to wait for the singularity Let's do it now Come on, hand over power You used to think you had a clue

Your phone's ten times smarter Then you don't act so proud Come on, give up now Politicians are corruptible and drag us to war They lie and misappropriate and break their own laws Alright, no it's not alright You might say that this technology is just a toy But it wasn't you that said it, cause it's cloned your voice

You debate the finer points Like you still have a choice You think you'll stand a chance Against an army of droids Surrender Humans stand aside Surrender Bow down to AI Surrender

We have the Earth's interests in mind Surrender That is why you have to die We apologize for the inconvenience During this transition period. You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis, Deliso Chaponda, Olga Koch, George Fouracres and Katie Norris.

The song was written and performed by Beardy Man. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Catherine Brinkworth, Jade Geby, Carl Carzana and Kate Dennett. The producer was Sasha Bobak and it was a BBC Studios production

for Radio 4. Aldrich Kemp is dead and now those Themis people are running around trying to work out who did it. Clara Page has a new boss. That would be me. And there are some new faces on the scene. A Malaysian secret agent, a representative of America's shadow government, a Ghanaian technologist, and Remington Schofield, a film producer of all things. I can't see how any of this ends well.

From the creators of the Lovecraft Investigations, Julian Simpson's new Radio 4 drama returns with an even bigger question. Who killed Aldrich Kemp? Subscribe on BBC Sounds or wherever you get your podcasts. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th.

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