Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 3rd April - ft Geoff Norcott, Robin Morgan and more...

Episode Date: April 3, 2020

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis get to grips with the continuing COVID-19 lock-down and disruption with sketches and guests.With comedians Geoff Norcott and Robin Morgan plus music from Tim Sutton and Sooz Kempner. Additional voices from Luke Kempner and Gemma Arrowsmith.Written by the cast, with additional material from Mike Shepherd, Laura Major, Donald Alexander and Charlie Dinkin.Producer: Adnan AhmedA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hi, I'm Catherine Bowhart. And I'm Sarah Keyworth. We're here to tell you about our podcast, You'll Do. We're comedians separately and a couple together, and basically we're just sick and tired of the same old relationships

we see on TV, rom-coms and social media. So we're chatting to fellow comedians and fellow couples to go beyond the identikit image of romantic relationships and discover the how and why we stick with the people we love. So come over, take a listen and subscribe to You'll Do on BBC Sounds. sounds. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis.

With us are Geoff Norcott, Robin Morgan, Tim Sutton, Suze Kempner and Luke Kempner and Gemma Arrowsmith. And this is... The Now Show! Thank you, thank you. Hello and welcome to The Now Show. It's so nice to have a studio audience back. Are you all right, please? Come on out, you're fresh enough now.

Oh dear. So the police are telling the audience to leave. Well, they shouldn't have brought the barbecue. Right, well, that's the April Fool out of the way. Yes, as last week, we are, of course, doing the show from the discomfort of our own homes, as are Luke and Gemma. And, of course, there weren't many April Fools this year because nobody's really in the mood for them at the moment.

Google even very publicly cancelled theirs. Which is a shame because they're known for their annual pranks. In 2016, the self-driving bike. In 2017, Holland develops AI windmills to control the weather. In 2019, new app will let you talk to tulips. And this year, they were planning to announce that they would pay full UK taxes. Great gag, Google. But the lack of April Fools is yet another indication that we're all starting to hit the wall and the current horribleness really is affecting everything sometimes in unexpected ways. For example all around the world deserted streets and lack of people has led to wildlife starting to reclaim former territory although our version is of course

terribly British. In Barcelona wild pigs have come down from the mountains. In San Francisco, there are coyote in the business district. And in Britain, there are some goats in Landidno. Not a massive story, you might think, but the world disagreed. In the US, CNN ran with, Wild goats take over a Welsh town. And according to ABC, Unbelievable, goats invade.

They hadn't really invaded. And having a load of untamed creatures wandering around making strange bleating noises and eating everything in sight is no big deal for a town that's hosted party political conferences for decades. Goats, of course, are well up on politics. Ask any goat to name the Foreign Secretary and they'll go... Apparently the goats only made it into the town in the first place because the troll who lives under the bridge on the way in was working from home that day.

Anyway, the police are now trying to deal with them. I'm sorry, sir. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the area and stop eating my uniform. It was new on this morning. If you want food, there's tons of it outside the houses. They're chucking out all the stuff they panic bought two weeks ago and has gone out of date. Now, it had to happen. Wimbledon finally was cancelled this week. Andy Murray said... He was then asked how he was enjoying parenthood and said... And the current women's title holder said...

Yes, I can. Er, it's, um... No, it's the other one. and I'm very happy. And the current women's title holder said... You can't remember my name, can you? Yes, I can. It's... No, it's the other one. Anyway, still, with all tournaments cancelled, it's a chance for British players to really make a mark this year. Tennis now, and an exciting game in store as UK No. 1 Daniel Evans takes on his parents' garage door. Daniel Evans takes on his parents' garage door.

A sound that's currently aggravating thousands of parents all around the country. Basically, the entire sporting calendar has now gone. There won't be any of this. There won't be any of this. Or this. Another scrum goes down. These officials have got to do something about all this rucking and mauling. These aren't scenes anyone wants to see in a British supermarket.

And the Premier League is again talking about playing games behind closed doors, which may well come too late for Jurgen Klopp. The fans are amazing. They know about social distancing. They understand the rules. You know that when they sing, you'll always walk alone. This Saturday, of course, should have been the Grand National. Well, welcome to Aintree, and they're off in the 2020 coronavirus chase.

40 runners, all of them too close together, and as they come to the first, he's gone. Civil liberties has fallen at the first hurdle, so it's Cobra Committee in the lead, followed by Where's the Vaccine? and Rex Shortage, and Is It Essential? with Zeloskopa following from A-Drone as they come to the second. And they're all over that safely, we think, although symptoms don't show up for five days. Self-isolation comes to the front,

followed by Wash Your Hands, Happy Birthday in 20 seconds. Peak of infection is slowing, with testing kits struggling to make up ground. As they come to the third hurdle, where a security guard is waiting. This fence has a one-out, one-over policy, The London Marathon has also gone, even though there are now more people than ever ready to run it. It's a shame. A record time was expected for everyone as the field was due to be chased for the whole 26 miles

by a sweaty, coughing man with no sense of smell. Formula One has also cancelled up to eight races at the start of their calendar as the team's skilled engineers have been redeployed to design ventilation equipment for the NHS instead. Great news everybody the new ventilator is here. The new ventilator is here. Oh, it's gone again. Impressive. They've got that down to 3.9 seconds. The United States also has a ventilator problem, but the President has pinned his hopes on his own senior advisers who are developing a machine for blowing air up the nose,

using the experience they've gained blowing smoke up his arse. Trump excelled himself again this week, mainly in the way he's started talking about his TV press conferences. Ladies and gentlemen, I have yesterday's figures here. I can confirm that yesterday's total was 11.5 million, the highest ever. Mr President, is that new cases or total cases? No, that's the viewing figures. Can you believe it? Still, Trump is actually taking the crisis much more

seriously. He was even persuaded recently to have a test. Sir, the symptoms are a cough and fever. No, I don't have that. You lose your sense of smell. I have the best sense of smell. And you completely lack any sense of taste. I need to get a test right now.

Other world leaders are also taking action, with one exception. Kim Jong-un, whose whole country has been in self-isolation since the end of the Korean War, has been firing huge missiles into the Sea of Japan, claiming that he misunderstood the meaning of testing kit. In the UK, our testing progress is still in the early stages. In the South, there are only two testing centres for NHS staff. One is at Chessington World of Adventures and the other is in the Ikea car park at Wembley. And both were in chaos this week. At Chessington the adventure was that you couldn't get in without an appointment and at Ikea the testing kit is called Jorvik and you have to build it yourself. The good news though is that with the nation's children all at home loads of celebrities are making themselves useful by providing free online lessons for children in their specialist subject. Joe Wicks is teaching PE, David Walliams is teaching English,

Carol Vorderman's covering maths, and Jacob Rees-Mogg's doing webinars in the dark arts. Good morning, children. Today I intend to use all the most modern technology in my pedagogical endeavours. So please take out your slates and chalk. Sir David Attenborough is doing natural history. This majestic male lion is a ruthless predator, native to the vast plains

of Central Africa, so I'm not quite sure how he got into my living room. Ryland is teaching er, we're not sure, but he'll find something. Hi, kids. I just didn't like the idea of a screen that I'm not on at the moment.

We've got Meghan Markle doing geography. Today we're going to use latitude and longitude to calculate the furthest point on the Earth's surface from Buckingham Palace, and then we're going to move there. And Jeremy Corbyn is teaching physics. The number of elections lost is divided by the number of arguments won. And Jeremy Corbyn is teaching physics. Hollywood actor Owen Wilson is teaching sophology, whatever that is. And he's not the only movie star involved.

I'm Oscar nominee Saoirse Ronan, taking it a day for GCSE Film Studies. This four-week course will cover exactly how to pronounce Saoirse Ronan. And some lucky children have got Dame Maggie Smith telling them about history. The thing people forget about Hitler was that he was terribly common. I once saw him eating sauerkraut with a spoon. This is a very lucky generation. They've even got Piers Morgan helping keep them fit. Well, sort of.

When he comes on the screen, viewers get the urge to lift something heavy and throw it as hard as they can. But if you're looking for meditation and relaxation techniques, it's happy days, because Nigel Farage has an online course. I'm going to teach you how to relieve pent-up stress in these worrying times. Sit in a comfortable position and extend your arm across to the packet of mulberry lights and a

pint of Tetley's. Works for me. It's even happening in America where Hillary Clinton is offering political advice on the current situation. Hi, I'm saying nothing. You all had your chance. You're on your own. Deal with it. I'm saying nothing you all had your chance you're on your own deal with it I'm staying home Our guests this week are joining us from a wide assortment of locations ranging all the way from attics to kitchens to spare rooms surrounded by baskets of ironing with his report on life under lockdown

first up is Geoff Norcott As a right-wing libertarian this week's increasing powers over personal freedom aren't exactly what I'd call welcome. I mean, I respect it, but I don't like it. It's a bit like poetry. Many were angered by the Prime Minister's initial reluctance to put us into lockdown in the first place. But I'd rather Boris didn't look pleased about effectively grounding 66 million people. And I'd rather world leaders didn't get a taste for this sort of thing and

start closing borders just because we had a high pollen count. What this does mean is that there are new restrictions on where we go and why, prompting some confusing police interventions. There was of course the much shared footage of Derbyshire police dispatching a drone to the Peak District to catch people, get this, exercising their dogs. I don't know about you, but when I first heard about the police using drones, I imagined them following stolen cars, catching murderers or foiling terrorist plots. I didn't think it would be a catch a retired couple from Matlock walking their Weimaraner. And if you're going to operate drones over people walking dogs, at least drop it to a height where the dogs might catch it. You know, it's not technically police work, but they could

earn 250 quid on you being framed. Labour MP Stephen Kinnock, who'd previously gone online to recommend everyone follow the rules, then proudly announced on Twitter that he'd driven to see his dad, Neil Kinnock, for his 78th birthday. In the photo, he was keen to point out they were observing social distancing. Then Twitter was equally keen to point out that the social distancing they should have been observing was not doing a 300 mile round trip in the first place. But if you do want to stay off the police's radar, one thing you should definitely stop doing is uploading your jogging stats to running websites. One, it's pathetic, and two, it could get you in trouble. Hello, sir. It appears you did more than an hour's exercise today.

Nope, nope, just an hour on the today. Nope, nope. Just an hour. On the dot. You ran ten miles in one hour. Ah. Er, would you believe me if I said I was related to Mo Farah? What if the current state of lockdown lasts for a long time? Real criminals will finish their incarceration, only it be told to go home and not leave the house. If lockdown goes on for some time, if you're pitching a cop show, you'd do well to reflect on new reality. Right, picture it guys, the show is called Twitter Cops. Yeah, we open on a youngster, he slides across the bonnet of a car, runs into a coffee shop and

he just sits there all day staring at his phone and barely speaking. So, you know, no change there. Nothing changes the fact that this is all very new and very weird and it's probably odd for the police too as we all navigate this new normal it was my son's birthday last weekend and we bought him a bike which in some respects may have seemed both cruel and ironic we saved up all our exercise i promise and took him out for his first ride then a police car went by and i froze i, what if he came over and spoke to us? Taking your kid out for a bike ride, are we, sir? Yeah, I swear to God, he's four today.

I could get his birth certificate. It's in the house. I can go and get it right now if you want. You seem very keen to offer information, sir. Got something to hide? Is this the start of an unsanctioned caravan holiday to the Peak District? Is that a Weimaraner in the boot of your car? However, like all new scenarios, there are upsides and there are downsides. Yes, I'm not allowed to leave the house, but equally, people aren't allowed to visit me.

Swings and roundabouts, which is another place I don't have to go anymore. And at last, people with a double buggy are finally getting the curved space they need. A little tip, if you want even more room, just train your kids to cough any time a stranger gets within two metres. Works a treat. And finally, is all this social distancing really so very new to us? Look, we're British. We invented the two metre no contact rule. It's high time we gave it a name and claimed it for ourselves. So I guess for now, I'm reluctantly toeing the line.

Yes, it's boring. Yes, I resent it. But we all have to do our bit. However, I do look forward to those odd trips out of the house. And I don't know if you heard, but tomorrow's my son's birthday. Yeah, third time this week. That was Geoff Norcott. Catch up with his stand-up special Geoff Norcott hates being told what to do

on BBC Sounds This week we learned that holier than thou is no longer just a good name for a piercing shop It also seems to describe a certain attitude to the rules that could be described as overzealous Because Geoff is right the atmosphere has gone a bit 1984 Police in Northampton have been getting calls from people

reporting their neighbours for taking exercise more than once a day, while police in Derbyshire poured black dye into a blue lake in the Peak District in order to stop it from becoming a tourist attraction by turning it into a black pool. An outraged David Attenborough said, But we couldn't hear him through his front door. It's not just the police, however. With all the reports of people flouting the rules with karaoke parties and ropey buffets,

the public have also been accused of being too keen in trying to enforce the rules. Are these people vigilantes out on the streets trying to protect the vulnerable? Now, I can't remember whether I washed my hands six times or only five, but the question you've got to ask yourself is, do I feel fluey? Well, do you, punk? If so, go home immediately. Local councils are getting in on it as well.

One local council instructed small shops they were not allowed to sell Easter eggs, as having them on sale was encouraging people to make unnecessary journeys. But what if you were out shopping for necessary items and decided to buy an Easter egg at the same time? Where's the harm in that? I've never been to a corner shop just to buy an Easter egg.

OK, once when the kids were very young, and I'd forgotten it was Easter. OK, every year when the kids were young, but not since then. But it's not like there's anything about chocolate eggs that's inherently worse than anything else in the shop. It's not like you go... Easter egg, please. Well, we have a great selection. This one has Smarties in the middle, this one has Cadbury's Caramel, but this is our bestseller this year. Ooh, what has that got in it? A contagious virus.

Yum, yum. It isn't what you buy, it's how often you go to the shops and how close you stand to the other customers. The key thing that seems to be emerging is that to avoid being told off, we mustn't be seen to be enjoying ourselves. Any hint of fun suggests you're not taking the situation seriously enough. When you go out and run, you have to look at your watch a lot, as if to say, my allotted hour is nearly up. I must return home to put this Easter egg into five days quarantine. And you must grimace while you run, otherwise the police are going... What is she smiling for? Let's get her. The police have a difficult balance to strike, of course. They've gone for an entirely different route in the Isle of Man.

One of our listeners has sent us in a tweet that was sent out by the Isle of Man constabulary, which read... Owing to the coronavirus, police are asking that all criminal activities stop until further notice. Ah, they've got a sense of fun after all. The other thing that's happening, though, is that being cooped up inside is having the effect of making people want to exercise. This week, experts suggested that national fitness will peak in the next three weeks

before falling away as people who haven't been active for years succumb to injury and loss of enthusiasm. The government's chief medical officer said, At the moment, the curve is still rising. Within weeks, the growth in runners is exponential and doubling every three days. Demand for trainers and tracksuits becomes overwhelming and we face the very real and frightening possibility that Mike Ashley was right, and sportswear shops do become an essential service. At peak fitness, the worst case scenario is that some

80% of the UK population may be wearing some form of Lycra, whether it suits them or not. Most of those infected by running will recover from the infection after a few weeks though and develop immunity. The main sign being a tendency to turn to their companion on a walk and say, look at that idiot running. Also spreading uncontrolled through the country is a susceptibility to start watching Tiger King on Netflix. In three weeks time at current rates of growth and with the encouragement of a media desperate for anything that's not virus related, 90% of the population will have watched it and moved on to other titles. A situation which will put an intolerable stress on the broadcaster,

which may not be able to cope. The government's currently trying to reduce or delay the peak of the Netflix curve, so the population do not run out of programmes before TV companies currently in shutdown have had a chance to make some new ones. In the meantime, government advice to watch a little more slowly or maybe just read a book or try to make our own Easter egg or something isn't working. Soon more drastic measures may be required. I have to tell you that in order to keep the Netflix peak at manageable levels, from tonight we are introducing new measures.

You must not watch with other people or be indoors with a television or any screen device unless it is essential and I urge incredibly strongly and forcefully you to visit as many outdoor beauty spots as you can in your exercise periods. I can recommend for example this beautiful Black Lake in a quarry in Derbyshire. During the same conference, the Prime Minister also addressed another major concern. In order to flatten the curve, we have to keep usage of toilet roll within manageable levels. To this end, I am introducing new measures from midnight. Please eat less fibre, uh, no fruit and, uh, try and bung yourself up. No fruit and try and bung yourself up. The financial consequences of what's happening are going to be with us for a long time.

It will affect all of us from the Chancellor of the Exchequer all the way to our next guest, Robin Morgan. I don't know about you, but this lockdown feels a bit like a holiday. The sun's out, the kids are off school and I've started drinking at lunchtime. But it also feels like a holiday because I'm currently on mortgage holiday. Mortgage holiday is one of those phrases where the first word negates the second. Holiday? Ooh, mortgage holiday? Oh, it's like vegan cheese. Cheese? Ooh, vegan cheese? Oh, no thank you, I'm intolerant. I've tried to treat it like a holiday. I've spent much of this week on the phone listening to hold music while running around the house turning off all the plugs all while wearing a bum bag and screaming don't forget the passports. To be totally accurate I'm currently on two mortgage holidays. That's right I have two mortgages at 30 years old. I know I must be very

rich or in a very deep hole. So let me explain how deep this hole goes. I didn't mean for this to happen. Certainly not right before a global pandemic where as a stand-up comedian I lose 97% of my income and that 97% has a margin of error of about 3%. Two mortgages, no income. I'm getting that printed on t-shirts and please for the love of God will you buy some. At the start of March my wife and I got the keys to our new home. After years of living in a flat, we finally moved out and bought a house big enough for our family of four. It's great. It's got a garden. My son can finally play in his own garden. And it's got stairs. He can finally learn how to walk up stairs. And a chimney. He can finally pay his way by sweeping chimneys. Our hometown is Cardiff. We thought the kids can see their grandparents any

time they like, barring acts of God or a pandemic virus, and we'll be better off financially thanks to the chimney-sweeping toddler. But as well as this new family home in Cardiff, we've still got our old flat because we can't sell it. We managed to get on the property ladder a few years ago in London. I know, who is this guy? The son of a Russian oligarch? A Saudi playboy?

I wish. In 2016, my wife and I bought 30% of a two-bedroom flat. It's called shared ownership. We own 30%. A housing association owns 70%. It's like the DFS sale, but instead of 70% off a sofa, you've got to ask DFS permission every time you want to move one of the cushions. My daughter was born in September last year, and we decided that we needed to get a bigger place. So we put our flat up for sale, we found a buyer and we put an offer in on a house. Great, right? Well, yes and no, because we found out we can't sell it.

I'm one of the 200,000 people who have been dubbed mortgage prisoners, people who can't sell their properties because of fire safety. So specialists need to carry out tests, but there are so few available in the UK, the waiting time could be years, which means it literally could be quicker

for me to train as a fire safety officer, take out indemnity insurance and sign it off myself. And considering I've lost the majority of my work for the foreseeable, it's not a bad plan. And also I'll finally have a job my parents will be proud of. Hi mum and dad, I'm on Radio 4! Until they test it, we can't sell it. I spent the last week on hold to my two banks applying for these holidays. Judging by the cool wait time, of course a lot of people have been doing the same thing. You might be thinking at least you're not renting Robin. Renting Robin? Those t-shirts write themselves. At least you're not in the pickle that many find themselves in who rent privately and are at the whim of landlords. Well ha! Get this! I'm in the unique situation where I pay both rent and

mortgage. Shared ownership baby. I can take a mortgage holiday on the 30% I own, but the 70%? I rent that from the Housing Association. For months I've been dealing with them because they won't safety test our building. My favourite part of the company is their hold music. I would call up and be regularly told no one is at their desks. Their hold music? Genuinely eight days a week by the Beatles. Presumably because no one yet has released a song called I Am Competent at My Job. I spent last Wednesday on hold for seven hours applying for a mortgage holiday and then I was cut off. When I tried to call back, I was told I'd run out of data allowance as the bank had provided me with a premium rate phone number. My phone bill is £200 this month from phoning my bank to try and reduce my monthly outgoings

I can't even complain as their call centre is down presumably to install new hold music of a pan-pipe version of Ironic by Alanis Morissette it's hard not to feel swamped by everything that's going on we moved out of London to be closer to our family so our kids could spend more time with their grandparents to reduce our outgoings

I haven't seen my parents in three weeks but they do listen to 4. And since we're in shutdown and my phone's been cut off, this is the only way I have to contact them. Hi, mum and dad. Just wanted to say, I hope you got the fly about the chimney sweeping. We've had to up our rates. I love you. See you soon for a holiday. A proper one. holiday. A proper one. Robin Morgan there. Our online audience question this week was to ask you what you have learned about yourself or your family from being locked down and

thanks for all the replies. I found out this week that my wife has lost her job at Walworths. Margaret says, having had a few meetings online using video conferencing, I find myself passing judgement on my colleagues' interior design choices. This is my favourite really. What have you discovered about yourself or your family during lockdown? How intensely boring they are. Now, I'm not going to read the name out on that one because that does seem very unfair on your family, Dominic. I have learned that my teenage daughter will happily remain in isolation

and will descend the stairs only when a delivery company emails her to say there is a delivery. Here we go. I think this is one that every mother in the country will appreciate. I have learned that I am the keeper of all household knowledge and if I get sick, the rest of the family are screwed. So it looks like we've learned quite a lot. Thank you very much for those. Yeah, and there'll be another audience question next week, which you can find on Twitter at BBC Now Show. Finally, after a long hiatus,

Bob Dylan released a surprise new song, Murder Most Foul, this week. It's over 17 minutes long and touches on the finger-on-the-pulse topical issue of the Kennedy assassination. It was a dark day in Dallas, November 63. What other icons of the 60s might be readying a comeback? Suze Kempner and Tim Sutton are hoping it's Joni Mitchell,

and they're going to play us out. Thanks for listening, and goodbye. My mind revolves like a tuning peg Cos the man won't sell me an Easter egg He says It's one of life's unessentials And he asks to see My credentials And I say

Baby I'm a child Of the universe So I take a walk In the holy hills When a blue light flashes and a siren shrinks A megaphone blasts Will you go back home? That's all that's left of the right to roam

I'm a socially distant child of the universe The government sent a letter About coughs and chills and cramps But the man who wrote the letter Also licked the stamps So now I'm shaking in a sweater And I'm feeling cold and blue Maybe it's just a case of flu I'm sitting in a sweater and I'm feeling cold and blue. Maybe it's just a case of flu.

I walk down the street with no one to ask. The people I meet, they all wear a mask. I get close, they just swerve away. Don't want to listen to a word I say. They say, I say, what did you say? It's getting harder,

oh so hard, to be a child of the universe by Tim Sutton, performed by Suze Kempner, and with guitar by Danny Sean. The producer was Adnan Ahmed, and it was a BBC Studios production. Um, you know there's another 13 and a half minutes of this to go? I wouldn't worry, Steve. The government have classified it as non-essential. So you are social distancing and self-isolating.

What could be better to pass the time than a hastily compiled, timely lockdown listen comedy coronacast as Jake Yap, John Holmes, Salma Shah and Nat Tapley drop in on comedians who simply have nothing better to do than talk to us over their shonky internet connections. In my kitchen, I have to be quite close to my daughter. It's quite hard. Here is Miranda's guide.

It's in a grey colour. I want to say slate. Can I say slate? No. No. I'll say it all again, don't worry. Now wash your hands. A warm, we're all in it together cast.

Hooking everyone up, not in a Tinder way, social distancing across the nation. Subscribe on BBC Sounds.