Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 3rd December - feat Janine Harouni, Jamie MacDonald, Tim Sutton and Sooz Kempner

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches in front of a remote audience - and all from their own home!Joining them for the final episode of the series and all from a safe distance is Janine Harouni, Jamie MacDonald with music supplied by Tim Sutton and Sooz Kempner.Voice Actors: Kieran Hodgson and Nimisha Odedra.Producer: Rajiv Karia Production Co-Ordinator: Sarah SharpeBBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Janine Haroney, Jamie MacDonald, Kieran Hodgson, Nima Dedra, Tim Sutton and Suze Kempner. And this is... The Now Show!

Ah, thank you. Thank you very much. So, the new variant is here and people want the big questions answered. Questions like... Is it more contagious? And the all-important... Will it evade vaccines?

And most importantly of all... Didn't anybody at the BBC learn ancient Greek at school? Because the first problem with the new variant was how to pronounce it. The new Omicron variant. Omicron variant. N to pronounce it. The new Omicron variant. Omicron variant. Named Omicron. The Omicron variant. So which is it? Is it Omicron, as the news is saying?

Is it Omicron, to match Omega? Or is it Omicron, like all the other English words derived from the Greek for small? Or should we now start saying microscope, microphone and Microsoft Windows? Or is it like the Irish branch of the French president's family? Presumably, classics professors up and down the land were suddenly being inundated with calls from the media. Someone from London on the telephone.

Something about ancient Greek? Oh, no. I think it's the BBC. Oh, that's all right. I thought it was Boris Johnson wanting me to write a book for him again. Now, you see, I don't really see how anyone can really know anyway. I mean, pronunciations change over time, as anyone who has ever tried to read Chaucer will tell you,

because the way English is bespoken hath seen many tranges. Fact is, we don't know much about this new virus variant yet. We know that like the Labour front bench, it's made dozens of small changes without us noticing. The Prime Minister has quickly noticed how much more seriously people seem to take things when they have a cool Greek name, and he's planning how to use this when he has to reverse the policy on Christmas. It is unfortunate that today I have no choice but to anoint that once again I am making an epsilon turn. But at this rate, they're going to run out of Greek alphabet fairly quickly

and they're going to have to choose another one. My money's on the Egyptian hieroglyphic alphabet. Tonight's top story, and scientists have detected the first case of woman walking sideways variant. After Omicron, the next one due is the Pi variant. It looks like the standard coronavirus, but it can calculate its own circumference. So, how did it all happen?

Well, the drama began last weekend, as the first cases were found in the UK. Travel restrictions were quickly reimposed, and Cardiff Rugby Squad found themselves trapped in South Africa. Their spokesperson said... For the health and safety of everyone in the team, we've made the very difficult decision to stay in sunny, warm South Africa.

Are you drinking a mojito? No comment. This, of course, is not to be confused with the people trapped last Friday in a pub in Yorkshire with an Oasis tribute band. They finally left three days later as a Noel Gallagher tribute band and a Liam Gallagher tribute band. Seeing the rise of Omicron,

the government were quick to half-respond. Boris Johnson wants to offer all adults in England a booster injection by the end of January. Yes, which is a little bit late for Christmas, but don't worry. You'll be able to get the whole family together to celebrate, um... The final

deadline for submitting your online income tax return. Merry deadline day, everyone. Oh, it is so nice to have the whole family together for this. I know. Last year I sent in my tax form on my own, away from the family. Would anyone like a Twiglet? I'm claiming them under hospitality expenses. Meanwhile, we all have to start wearing masks again on public transport. On the positive side, if you're planning a bank raid,

you can save on the getaway driver. Police are baffled after a robbery at a bank in Croydon. Three masked men got away on the 1149 train to Clapham Junction. Now, of course, some people are very angry about the new mask mandate, including Piers Corbyn, currently number three in the list of national embarrassments behind Prince Andrew and Naughty Boy. Piers has put a song on YouTube which goes...

Wearing a mask is like trying to keep a fart in your trousers. Which, you know, if farts were highly infectious and potentially fatal, might be a good analogy, but they're not. So, it's rubbish. On the plus side, though, Piers Corbyn is now in the running

to write the lyrics for Britain's next Eurovision entry. Meanwhile, government briefings are back. Yes, it's a return to the Downing Street podium and Chris Whitty, who never really lives up to his name, I always think. I mean, every time I hear the name

Chris Whitty, I expect exchanges like... Thank you. To delay one lockdown may be regarded as a misfortune. To delay two begins to look like carelessness. Furthermore, wearing a mask is like trying to keep a fart in your trousers.

Next slide, please. Next slide. Now, would you please welcome the comedian, voice-over artist and writer who's making his debut on The Now Show. It's Jamie MacDonald. Happy International Disabled Persons Day. I am Jamie. I am a blind comic. And in these times of absolute transparency, quick confession, not always been blind. Yeah, I hope you're not disappointed.

Now, I have got a degenerative thing going on, which means once I could see, but now I'm blind. The direct opposite of that lucky lad from the Amazing Grace tune. But it doesn't matter because it is 2021. It is an excellent time to be disabled. Honestly, if you get the chance. But it is still confusing to be blind I mean, it's always quite confusing anyway

Especially at the moment with all the The kind of anti-Covid Perspex screens Up in all the shops Have you seen them? Yeah, I can't Last week in Teth Because I was effectively trapped in an invisible box For half an hour

From a distance I must have looked like a mime week in test because I was effectively trapped in an invisible box for half an hour. From a distance, I must have looked like a mime. But it is extra confusing because, right, the New York Times, America's answer to the Dundee Courier, they ran a poll. What is the worst thing that could

ever happen to you? Blind came number one. We knocked it out the park. Thrashed having cerebral palsy. HIV. Being from Edinburgh. No joke, it beat being dead. So, on the one hand, everybody thinks blind's awful,

but on the other, you've all started listening to audiobooks. Yeah, make up your mind. What is it you don't want to be blind? You just like the life. Perfectly good set of eyes, but you want Ant and Dec to read you Watership Down. Do you know what that behaviour's called? That is called disabled appropriation.

Or you are blinding up. But a lot of people do think that my eyes should have made me more miserable than they have. And by not doing so, I can't be wired up to my emotions correctly, effectively calling me a psycho. Now, even if that is the case, you've not got much to fear from a blind psycho. Hello, Clarice. I can smell your hair. I'm not Clarice, mate.

Sorry. I had another guy say to me... It's because of your eyes you don't have kids, yeah? I mean, that's a hell of an assumption. The reason my wife and I don't have kids is we've never fancied them. And I get it. You know, it would be very tough for me to be a parent. You have to watch kids like a hawk. I'd be so rubbish at that. And I know from my mate's kids that they always make you late because they can never find

their shoes. Daddy, can you help me find my trainers? Yes, if you help me find your sister. But I've not always been cool with my eyes back in the day I hated them and then I kind of grudgingly accepted them and now I ultimately enjoy them I had the same journey with olives but it was in my teens when my eyes

they got really bad you know but I refused to accept it even though it was bloody obvious what was happening I was rattling off lampposts and bollards and self-denial it doesn't just hurt you it can hurt those around you as I learned when I accidentally kicked the wasp's nest into the church fate and I did think until fairly recently that I'd denied my eyes back then

through a combination of embarrassment and maybe not liking the full reality of blindness. But turns out, nothing to do with me. It was because in the 90s, there was no positive representation of blind people in film and TV. Yeah, who knew? I mean, I don't know.

Would I have been cooler with my eyes back then if, say, James Bond had had a visual impairment, you know? Coming out of On Her Majesty's Social Service. Or from Russia with Difficulty. I mean, the scenes with Q would be interesting. I mean, the scenes with Q would be interesting. It's a blue badge, Bond. Put it on your dashboard. You can park right outside the villain's lair.

I do hope that young people these days don't feel they have to hide their eyes as much as I did, because there is much more positive representation out there. Disabled people, we are bloody everywhere now. So I would like to finish by asking you all lovely people a favour. Could you please stop modifying sport so I can take part? Not everything has to be accessible. Blind football, right, is an established sport.

What sickle came up with that? 22 blind lads running like hell at each other and trying to kick a ball with a bell in it. That's not accessible, that's a blood sport. But I did write, I took part in one game, and they put me in goal, where I learned one thing. In flight, a ball with a bell in it is silent. Guys, enjoy the rest of the Sable Day.

I'm off to finish War and Peace, read by Phil Collins. Thank you. That was Jamie McDonald. So, over the last week, you could be forgiven for thinking that there was nothing in the news except Omicron. But there was. So here's a round-up of news stories that you may have missed

that don't involve Omicron. Omicroon. On Monday, someone at Radio 4's Today programme seemed to set off a fire alarm. Please leave the building immediately by the nearest exit. Well, you may be able to hear that we have a little alarm going on here, but should we wait until someone looks vaguely panicky? I don't think that was a genuine alarm.

I think Nick Robinson and Martha Carney had spent all weekend watching the Beatles get back and wanted an excuse to do a show on the roof. That's all from the Today programme, and I hope we pass the audition. On Thursday, a by-election was held in Old Bexley and Sidcup, traditionally such a safe Tory seat that it sounds like it's named after two members of the 1922

committee. Now, at the time of recording, we don't know if the Conservatives will hang on to it, or whether they will give it to one of their friends to run. Football now, and the England women's football team beat Latvia 20-0

this week. Sadly, the game was marred by a nasty injury when halfway through week. Sadly, the game was marred by a nasty injury when halfway through the second half, the scoreboard operator had to be stretched off with RSI. A student at the University of Gloucestershire staged a protest at the high cost of

graduation robes by turning up to the degree ceremony dressed in bin bags. Sadly, he was made to wait outside for a week as cutbacks mean collections are only once a fortnight. The Sun claimed the student couldn't afford the £246 cost of graduation robes but according to the university website £246 is the cost of buying them not hiring them for a day so the whole thing is based on hugely over-inflated costs. The student now has a contract to produce PPE for the NHS. English Heritage, who manage Stonehenge,

have announced a theory that the builders of the Neolithic landmark may have enjoyed mince pies. The evidence for this is thin. Traces of the cooking of apples, samples of cereal crops and a series of primitive runes on a granite tablet believed to read, Mr Kipling was here, 3000 BC. In America, a Michael Jackson impersonator has been charged over the January 6th Capitol riot. He pleaded not guilty on the grounds that.....on the grounds that the eyewitness

is just a girl who says that he is the one. You see, when it comes to Michael Jackson lyrics jokes, we don't stop till we get enough. In London, you can tell Christmas is approaching because we've had our first rubbish winter wonderland story. Yeah, shoppers in Covent Garden were meant to experience fake snow but ended up hugely let down. It was one of the few instances in recent times

where the problem was that there weren't enough snowflakes. One person said... I've never felt so disappointed in my life. Oh, come on, it's only two weeks since you saw this year's John Lewis advert. And just to clarify for those listening in the north on battery-powered radios without heating or power, yes, people in London are going out specially to see

artificially manufactured bad weather. Supermarket giant Asda has chartered its own cargo ship to ensure that their shelves are full with festive products this year. Not to be outdone, other stores are following suit. Lidl have chartered a fleet of hot air balloons. Starbucks has a supertanker full of cappuccino. And Waitrose were thought to have hired a huge fleet of Range Rovers until someone realised that was just the customer car park.

And talking of desperate for a normal Christmas, the Prime Minister has come out as a big fan of office parties, saying you shouldn't cancel yours just because of... Oh, me-cron. Oh, my-cron. On the contrary, you should go right ahead regardless, like Downing Street did last year. Contradicting his own health experts, he said...

From Tuesday, you must wear a mask on public transport and an amusing celebrity mask at your office party, which you should attend, bringing a bottle of wine costing no more than £6. And we are launching a colleague tracing app to help you track which police station your fellow workers end up in. This winter, remember the motto, hands, face, disgrace.

And finally, in Australia, a Mr Neville Sharp has broken the Guinness World Record for the loudest burp ever. Yes, now, that doesn't sound like an official Guinness Book of Records-type record to me. It sounds like we need a new version for this kind of stuff. This Christmas, we've got the ultimate stocking filler, the generic lager book of pub records.

Sit down on Christmas Day and discover for yourself the people responsible for the loudest burp, the longest wee, the fastest entire bag of crisps poured from above into mouth, and the largest number of people going, Whey! when someone breaks a glass. Whey! So, with Omicron threatening to take us all back into lockdown,

there's a second opportunity for us to go out and get that pandemic puppy or baby. Here's Janine Haroney. that pandemic puppy or baby. Here's Janine Haroney. Like many, I spent the pandemic at home with my husband, which was tough for all sorts of reasons. But we really got to know our neighbours.

One day I met my next-door neighbour outside and she told me that the lockdown was hard for her because she lives alone, but that hearing me and my husband sing Disney songs to our kids through the wall always made her smile. And we don't have kids. So we moved. I mean, we had to. Our options there were move or steal a baby. The pandemic saw more than a million new babies and three million new pets come into people's homes, which makes sense. It makes sense to do the things that would lock you down while you're already locked down.

So we ended up applying for a dog to a breeder. And I know rescuing a dog is amazing, but I'm in both individual and couples therapy. I can't willingly invite another nut job into my house. Side note, if you've never done couples therapy, I highly recommend it. Our therapist Lisa says insightful things like, Intimacy. Let's break that down. Into me-cy. So that's a hundred pounds an hour.

We apply for one of those designer dogs, but really, it's very hard to get one of those dogs because there's only a few breeders in the country. So competition is super high. And in order to apply, you have to write this heartfelt letter to the breeder. And you've got to speak their language. So throughout the correspondence, I referred to the dog as our fur baby. I know, it's very embarrassing. It's almost as embarrassing as your neighbor hearing you sing fairy tale songs with your middle-aged husband. Like, I'm gonna level

with you guys. I have nude pictures out there, and I'd rather those be leaked than that dog letter. I mean, I'm not gonna lie to you. I am, I'm real creepy with dogs. Honestly, you know that scene in a movie where a woman will go to visit a male prison and then all the prisoners will catcall her? That's what I'm like when I see a dog on the street. I'm like, hey cutie, hate to see you leave. Love to see that little tushy. Long story short, our application was rejected.

My husband suggested we get a houseplant. But these hipster houseplants all have names like Ken and Rick and cost £120. A baby is free, and you can name it whatever you want. Me and my best friend, we have this pact that we're going to name our kids based on where they're conceived. Anyway, she got pregnant in Australia and she named her daughter Sydney. And I couldn't do that in lockdown. Be pretty weird roll call just shouting out kitchen counter. I'm not sure I'm ready for a kid.

I'm not grown up enough. Until last month. This is a true story. I thought that olives were pickled grapes. Besides, when you have a kid or a dog, you can't just pick up and go to Thailand. You know, you have responsibilities. So we asked our therapist if she thought we were ready to be parents.

And she was like, Parent, let's break that word down. Pay rent. You're barely affording rent. You're not ready for a child. But now, lockdown is lifted, we're back working, and we moved into a bigger place. So we started talking seriously about having kids. And it's weird for us because my husband is Irish, I'm American, and we live in London.

So our kids would be English. Which for Andrew, as an Irishman, is strange. You know, there's 800 years of socio-political upheaval to reckon with. And for me, I think it's weird to have an English kid because they're creepy. You guys make some creepy kids. I don't know if you've seen every horror film ever. But there's always a creepy little English kid like, Come and play with me, Mommy. Forever.

I don't know if I want that kid in my house, let alone my uterus. Also, I finally lost the weight I put on in lockdown, and losing weight then trying for a baby, well, feels a lot like redoing the kitchen before you burn the house down. But I am excited to try and make a person. You know, to see which traits they get from me and which they get from Andrew. My kid could end up getting the worst traits from both of us. My kid could be super pale. And then they could get my hair genes. I'm an Arab. I'm hairy. I am so hairy that one time on a beach, my ex-boyfriend said my back hair gave him beard envy. It's fine. It's fine, though.

I just told him I was actually completely hairless before we met, but then we slept together, my body identified that I was the alpha, and responded accordingly. So, yeah, our baby could end up being this pale, weak, hairy little creature, which really is just my ideal dog. So we haven't decided anything just yet. Well, we did decide something.

We're going to Thailand. Ten days on honeymoon in Phuket. Because when faced with life's big choices, sometimes you gotta just in Phuket. Because when faced with life's big choices, sometimes you've got to just say Phuket. Which, if all goes well, might just be the name of our first kid. Thank you so much, guys. I've been Janine Harony. Thank you. As we've heard this week, Latvia lost 20-0 to England in a women's football international. That's clearly a bit of a tricky one for Latvia to live down,

so we've asked the audience this week what is the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to you? I went to a Halloween fancy dress event dressed as Dr Crippen, the top-hatted Edwardian murderer. Everyone thought I was the fat controller. top-hatted Edwardian murderer. Everyone thought I was the fat controller. I was once the only candidate as a job interview,

and I didn't get the job. I gave a speech to the CBI on the wonders of Peppa Pig World. Only to find that Boris had done the same thing the day before. Well, thank you very much for those amusing anecdotes stroke terrible personal tragedies. And that's it from us, almost, but we will see you in 2022. But before we go, we've all heard about those people trapped in a pub for three days because of Storm Arwen. Well, now to tell you what really went down, playing us out,

it's Tim Sutton and Suze Kempner. Cheers! Christmas come early this year. We had board games, telly and food on hand and a cracking Oasis tribute band and the wine, the German skull glue. Strangers reached across the divide Rovers and Wednesday fans side by side singing karaoke the whole night through. What a story we'll have to tell them this Christmas

then someone mentioned Brexit the atmosphere turned sour, scuffles broke out and at 10am the first Brussels sprout was fired, the snow cut on and that resulted mid-game battle lines were drawn and it all

went squid game, barricades built and flaming brandy acquired Somebody took a swing ball and smashed a hole in the wonderwall The karaoke machine was forcibly retired

Not sure we'll make it home this Christmas Day three, a truce was declared Dazed and confused, we climbed out of the rubble We saw what was left of our Christmas plate We held hands and sang Sally Can Wait Around the remains of Liam Gallagher's double This would be the war to end all wars.

And if the human race could just stay out of trouble. This Christmas might be a better Christmas. APPLAUSE The show was written by the cast with additional material from Catherine Brinkworth, Gareth Gwynne, Steve Blair and Tasha Danrudge. The producer was Rajiv Karia and it was a BBC Studios production.