Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 3rd November

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches. They are joined by Ken Cheng who uses air fryers to help explain his frustration with the housing market, Helen Bauer arguing why school uniforms need to remain affordable, and Rachel Parris gives her musical take on what truly scares us at Halloween.The show was written by the cast with additional material from Cameron Loxdale, Tasha Dhanraj, Jules Garnett and Cody Dahler.Voice actors: Roisin O'Mahony & Ed JonesProducer: Sasha Bobak Production Coordinator: Katie BaumA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Ken Cheng, Helen Bower, Ed Jones, Roshin Omani and Rachel Parris. And this is... The Now Show!

Thank you very much. Thank you. So, language and how we use it was rather at the forefront of the news this week as politicians, advisers and even meteorologists seem to be struggling with words. Keir Starmer sought to explain the difference between a humanitarian pause and a ceasefire and why he was calling for one but not the other in Gaza,

although he would clearly like one somewhere else. Please, I am calling for a ceasefire in the party. OK, humanitarian pause then. It was the biggest internal row within the Labour Party for nearly two weeks. The power of words also got Labour MP Andy Macdonald suspended from the party for making a speech using the phrase, from the river to the sea. Which is a pro-Palestinian chant. And, coincidentally, Thames Water's sewage discharge policy.

LAUGHTER Contentious language was also at the heart of the Covid inquiry, which I'm pretty sure are the only official governmental hearings where the TV coverage has a permanent caption reading Caution! This inquiry contains foul language and sexual references from the start. We learn that three years ago, Downing Street

workers were constantly effing and blinding, so much that one of them actually had to drive to Barnard Castle to check how blinding it actually was. One of the conclusions of inquiry already is that had the Treasury agreed to a swear jar in Downing Street, lockdown could have paid for itself. The worst offender, as you would expect, was Dominic Cummings,

whose descriptions of some of his colleagues made the thick of it look pre-watershed. He called them ****..used the word... ..frequently. And when it came to Matt Hancock, Cummings called him a... ..a... ..a... ..a...

..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a...

..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a...

..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a...

..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a...

..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a...

..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a... ..a...

..a... ..a... ..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a..

..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a..

..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a.. ..a....a....a....a.... breath before the final one is. Essentially, in 2020, no one in Downing Street seemed to like anyone else, which rather begs the question, why did they have so many parties?

It's a question they should really ask at the inquiry, because I would love to hear the answer. Well, you know the old saying, keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, so you can cough on them. The constant use of four-letter words, however, was readily explained by Cummings. You must remember, at this point, Brexit had just happened, so our policy was to use as many Anglo-Saxon words as possible. Cummings also explained why he called Boris the trolley, as in shopping trolley, because that's never been very clear.

Was it A? Because he was impossible to steer and kept veering all over the place. Was it B? Because he was often seen carrying a small child, randomly grabbing at passing objects. Or was it C? Because Cummings had a constant urge to push him into a canal. Or was it not Cummings at all?

Was it possibly a name that Boris had given himself? It was a nickname that came about after I confessed I once took a trolley from a particular retail outlet because its name contained my two main interests in life. What are those, Prime Minister? Cash and carry. Cummings also described Boris as being in Jaws mode, which apparently meant he was like the mayor in Jaws.

He wanted to keep the beaches open, even though people were being eaten. Although some think Jaws mode is a better description of Suella Braverman, because when asylum seekers see her on TV, they think... We're going to need a bigger boat. Language was also a bit difficult for meteorologists this week, following the Met Office's decision that winter storms should not just have names, but names that newsreaders don't know how to pronounce.

The country is braced for Storm Chearon. Storm Chearon. Storm Chearon. Storm Chearon. The consensus seemed to be that it was Storm Kieron, which was unfortunate, as thousands of Labour activists immediately switched off. But Cash and Carrie. Cash and Carrie.

But apparently, the thing is, storm naming policy keeps changing. First, they got the public to suggest names. Heavy rain is expected in Scotland with the arrival of the first name storm of the year, Rainy McRainface. So sensibly, they got the British, Irish and Dutch Met offices to choose them. But now they've gone thematic and this year's storms are named after people who work in weather-related professions. Kieron is named after a man who works at the Northern Ireland Department of Infrastructure. Next up is Debbie, named after

Debbie Garft, who works on flood control in Scotland. And the last storm, Babette, you may remember, was named after a woman who wandered into a Dutch weather office and demanded to have a storm named after her. Well, she claimed her name was Babette.

I suspect it was Liz Truss. However, next year it is going to be simpler because they're going to let Dominic Cummings choose the names. And now here's Thomas Schaffanacker with the latest on storm... ..which has left large parts of the country completely... Thank you. Thank you. which has left large parts of the country completely now house hunting best done i believe with a long-range rifle or a very large net here to tell us his theories is ken cheng i'm ken cheng i'm here to talk about housing

Things are not great right now in the rental market According to Homelet, the average rent in the UK Has increased by 10.9% since the same time last year Full disclaimer, I rent Of course I rent, I'm a millennial The only time I'll get to own a house is on The Sims I'm a renial. The only time I'll get to own a house is on The Sims. I'm a renter. Out of choice, I chose to not have rich parents.

Now, seriously, out of choice, I could have bought a house, but instead I got Netflix. Like every millennial, that is our binary choice. I could have been a homeowner, but I really wanted to watch the Beckham documentary. I actually moved house two months ago. In our flat, we were paying £2,400 a month between three of us, and they wanted to raise it to somewhere between, they said, £3,250 and £3,500 a month. It's really funny they gave us the option. Like I was going, yeah, sure, 3,500. You know what? I don't feel like I'm paying enough of my income into rent in London

at the moment. In fact, let's call it 3,600. You really deserve it for all your hard work doing nothing while generating passive income. We looked at 16 places and we put an offer in on eight of them and five of them didn't even reply I got ghosted by five estate agents towards the end I got so desperate I started listing all the TV and radio shows I was in just in case the landlord was a fan of anything I'd been in I was doing offer forms like I was doing PR for my Edinburgh show. Several branches of Foxton's now know I was described by major newspapers as a joy to watch. I recognise that it's been a tough time for everyone, tenants and landlords, because of soaring mortgage rates. I don't blame landlords, I get it. You have to pay your mortgage,

except you don't have to because we're paying your mortgage. Don't worry, I'm not one of those people who are like, kill all landlords, backs against the wall, partly because I've adapted my material to cater to the wealthy demographic of the present audience. By adapted, what I mean is, it's exact same, except any time I say anything bad about landlords, I just go, but not you guys. All landlords are parasites except Radio 4 listeners and my current one. I do get it. It's hard to be a landlord right now. Mortgage rates have gone up, and yes, there are nightmare tenants

who will trash your place and not pay their rent, but also, you chose to be a landlord do you know how crazy that decision is like do you know how crazy the concept of renting out your actual home is listen the most expensive thing I own is an air fryer now imagine if I told you I'm cool with this air fryer but I'm going to get a second air fryer that's just for other people to use. And I'll charge them, and that will pay for the cost of both air fryers. And you'll be like, what, like, to your friends and family?

And I'll be like, no, I'm going to rent it out to complete strangers, ones that I have never met in person and will never meet in person. In fact, I'm going to pay lots of money to a middleman just so I don't even catch a glimpse of the person using my air fryer while they're using it. And then when I get back the air fryer, it's absolutely ruined. You know, like someone's tried to cook a roast chicken in it. It's covered in dog poop. Inside, there's just a severed thumb. And instead of going, oh, maybe I shouldn't have given my air fryer to complete strangers, maybe I'll stop doing that, I go, this has made me really mad, but I'm going to do it more.

And instead of cutting my losses, I'll pay even more money to even more third parties for repairs and insurance and legal advice and then I'll buy a third air fryer and a fourth air fryer until I have a whole portfolio of air fryers and then I pay even more people even more money to manage my air fry empire and I'm spending so much that if there were even a slight change in the cost of air fryers I would no longer make a profit and all the time and energy I've put into these goddamn air fryers would have been for nothing that is being a buy-to-let

landlord. I get it. I get it. I do think there is an unwarranted animosity between tenants and landlords. But the problem is that I don't know many landlords personally. I tried to fix that. I tried. I joined a Facebook group called Landlords UK. It's very easy to get in. They just ask one question, do you have a soul? And I started to understand things from their point of view. And reading the actual plight that landlords go through firsthand, hearing from them personally, I realized that landlords are human beings as well. They just happen to be the worst human beings of all time. All landlords are parasites, backs against the walls,

but not you guys. I've been Ken Chen. Thank you very much. Ken Chen there. So, Wednesday and Thursday this week, saw Rishi Sunak hosting his World AI Summit, which was held at Bletchley Park, home of the Enigma codebreakers, sending a message to the world that Britain is a forward-thinking nation and not one still obsessed with World War II.

But the world's leaders are worried. Yeah, President Biden apparently became concerned about AI after watching the recent Mission Impossible film, while Rishi Sunak became very keen on the issue after watching recent by-election results and realising he needed something else to talk about. Because everybody knows about the danger of artificial intelligence, even Cliff Richard.

Delightful. Thank you, Cliff. OK, thank you. Really nice chatting. Thank you. And I didn't use artificial insemination. Now, take the image that you now have in your head. That is why AI must be regulated. To help, the summit was due to see demonstrations of some of the most cutting-edge AI, although a lot of the technology didn't get past security.

Having to tick the box marked, I am not a robot, was too much for it. As the highlight of the summit, Rishi Sunak did a live interview with Elon Musk. It was Rishi's idea because he liked the novelty of meeting someone richer than him. That's true, because it doesn't happen often. And in fact, the last time it happened, he ended up married

to them. Of course, Elon Musk is an authority on AI, having used its algorithmic power to reduce the value of Twitter from $44 billion to $19 billion in just 12 months. But he has spoken out on the dangers of AI.

For example, it helps students write essays. Those students might end up in jobs of great influence, which they're not really qualified to do, because they lack understanding of the basics of the field they're working in. And that has massive ramifications for their ability to make the correct decisions. Imagine having people in important positions who don't really know what they're doing. But the issues are potentially huge. AI could replace millions of jobs.

We've got so used to technology replacing people now that we haven't noticed that technology is even replacing the technology that replaced people. Yes, it is. Because when was the last time you phoned any big company or organisation and didn't get a message saying... I'm sorry, we are currently experiencing an exceptionally high number of calls.

Because the call centres you installed are now too expensive themselves. The first thing that happens when you phone anywhere now is you're told... Many issues can be resolved online. Have you tried our online service? Which is basically them saying... Thank you for calling us. We don't want you to call us. Have you tried not calling us? If you do go to the website, you'll find a robot assistant thing

which works by recognising individual words and not your actual question. This is a very crude form of AI and it's not intelligent at all. I mean, you put one of those on Mastermind and see how it does. Which two generals met at Waterloo? Waterloo is the main London terminus of the South Western Railway. Incorrect. It was Wellington and Napoleon. Which of Shakespeare's plays contains the line,

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown? The Crown is a historical drama TV series made for streaming service Netflix. Incorrect. It was Henry IV Part II. What is the name of the process whereby an egg is fertilised through a scientific technique? Artificial intelligence. Thank you.

And at the end of that round, Cliff Richard, you have zero points. Of course, we are seeing a fight back against technology in lots of areas. Yeah, banks now tend to stress that you can talk to a human being eventually, while this week's plans to get rid of railway ticket offices and force everyone to use machines were dropped after a consultation attracted responses from 750,000 people, all of whom had just got off the same Avanti West Coast train to Manchester after the previous two were cancelled.

Some customers, of course, prefer not to rely on machines, especially the new generation AI ones. Give me your payment, your PIN and your 16 to 25 rail card. Do you wish to purchase a single or return ticket? Uh, single, please. You won't be back. You knew it was coming. Now, of course, we should remember that people have been worrying

about computers becoming sentient since at least the 1960s. In fact, Isaac Asimov published iRobot in 1950 when computing was so basic that no-one could imagine robots of the future might be able to use verbs. I don't know. It's one to think about, that one. But not for too long. I don't know.

You can't help feeling that this is just the latest in a long line of scare stories. Apart from anything else, these AI soldiers and drones are still going to have moving parts which will need to be kept lubricated so the human resistance may just be a protest group called Just Stop Oiling. The terrifying killer android deathwalkers

are still going to need a bit of WD-40, because otherwise the resistance will be able to hear them coming a mile off. Shh, they're here. Listen. I require repair to my lower limb rotation mechanism. And so they communicate via instantaneous satellite uplink to the lubricant replenishment service and back at the speed of fiber optic light comes the reply. I'm sorry, we are currently experiencing an exceptionally high number of calls.

And now to talk about how the rising cost of living crisis is impacting the price of school uniforms, which is not only bad news for school kids, but for every single hen do ever, it's Helen Bower. The cost of living crisis is affecting everything, including the cost of school uniforms. The Guardian has recently written that research by the charity,

the Children's Society, estimated that parents in England spend 422 pounds a year on uniform for a child at secondary school and 287 pounds for primary school children. A number so dear it has parents all over the country crying out to reopen the mines so kids can help with the cost. Every child in Britain should have the right to a school uniform. School uniforms made me who I am today and without them I fell to pieces. They made everyday life as a teen in North East Hampshire simple. I didn't have to worry about what was new and new look. Black trousers and a white shirt with a dried marmite stain

was the only fashion. I grew up in Fleet, a town behind a service station on the M3. I wore a uniform to school every day apart from on select days where the teachers and their board of governors

deemed it unnecessary and it was a personal disaster. Okay, so one year, it was like Red Nose Day, where traditionally the child is encouraged to wear a red nose to school. My school thought it would do one better. If we brought in one pound, we could wear red bottoms to school. I owned none, so my mother took me to the local charity shop, and I found some red cords. The next day at school, one pound in hand, I was having a great day, wearing my trousers, and I needed the bathroom.

And I went to the bathroom and I couldn't undo my new cords and proceeded to wet myself. Had I been with my trusty school skirt uniform, this would never have happened. I paid one pound to experience humiliation of the highest order. What specific level of hell was this? And honestly, whose harebrained idea was it to focus on having a Red Bottoms Day? The only people I know who wear red bottoms is that nutter in town who votes UKIP and Mickey Mouse. And let's be honest, that mouse probably also votes UKIP.

Suddenly, every shop in fleet was wondering why the demand for red bottoms skyrocketed, presumably causing all the shops to order more red bottoms by the truckload, only for them to never sell them anymore again. The prices quoted by The Guardian are challenging families up and down the country struggling to send their children to school in the right uniform, which makes me wonder, what are those poor parents of private school kids having to fork out? Prime Minister Rishi Sunak's school, Winchester College,

can cost up to £200 just for a cricket helmet. And that's not even starting to think about the cost for all the cloaks and tails and wands they need to be able to sit examination. Don't laugh. Sitting a three hour exam in a cummerbund is not a joke. Be respectful. Kia Starmer, he attended Reigate Grammar School.

Though modest compared to the prices Sunak's parents had to shell out for uniform, rules of his former school, Reigate Grammar School, though modest compared to the prices Sunak's parents had to shell out for uniform. Rules of his former school, Reigate Grammar School, state clearly, jewellery and friendship bans are not permitted, which sucks for Kia. No friendship bans. If he can't make friends at school, then how is he expected to have friends now? It is not just uniforms under threat from inflation. Now school trips are at risk. English Heritage says trips to its sites have dropped by 28% compared to numbers before the COVID pandemic. And school trips, we can all agree,

are the most exciting part of any school year. British school trips are such a special thing. Like, they're intense. Like, if we all went to school in Spain for example our school trips would have been mad it'd be like let's go to the beach let's go to the aquarium let's drink a mimosa they're mad in Spain but but in Britain we get on a bus all excited we put in our iPod nanos and listen to like Mysterious Girl assuming all the guys are looking at you like oh my god she's so mysterious so mysterious. And it's like, ah, it's depression. We just don't know yet. It's just fun. And without

fail, you will pull up to the war graves, a plague pit, or the trenches of northern France. It's bleak on Blighty. Let's see how our two GCSE students are getting on. But Miss, it's not fair. I've never wanted anything more than to go see the grave of the unknown soldier. Miss, please, I want to go to Broadmoor.

This is not fair on poor Lily or James, but we must remember, they don't really matter because they're state school pupils. Right now, there are children in Kent unable to eat sandwiches at the place of Britain's last hanging. That's wrong. Not as bad as those poor private school kids

unable to attend a ski trip to Léger because Daddy lost his job for having a party during COVID. The Independent has stated Labour aims to cut the cost of school uniforms by limiting the number of branded items parents are forced to buy. And I hope that's true, because Lily and James deserve better, but not as much as the kids of private schools all over Britain. May their cricket helmets forever be affordable. So, in honour of Rishi's epoch-making AI summit, we have decided to ask our audience this week

what is the most disappointing piece of technology they have ever owned or been given? I bought something called Twitter. That's for Elon. Most disappointing piece of technology you've ever been given. My husband. Most disappointing piece of technology you've ever been given. My husband.

What's the most disappointing piece of technology you've ever owned? The where's my iPhone app? Why? The app is only on my iPhone. An electric potato peeler. I still haven't found any electric potatoes. So, thank you very much to our studio audience and to Twitter for those. Now, the spooky season may be over for some,

but it's left psychological scars. And here to tell us about it is Rachel Parris. We are the people Who take Halloween much too far We're in costume throughout October And our front garden's an alarming mix of the Hellmouth and Thorpe Park. We've got

43 pumpkins in various sizes, and cobwebs over everything, and several deadly spiders. We know all the major curses, and some pretty nasty hexes. Our trick in trick-or-t treat is we pour blood over your nexus.

We play monster mash on loop which our neighbours really hate and we've a tiny witch's hat for our labradoodle Satan. We put crime scene tape where there never was a crime and we've wasted 13 hours of the Met Police's time.

Yes, we are the people Who do too much And then do more And if your children Knock on our door They're likely to need therapy Until they're 24 We've got just enough dry ice to cause you to panic.

I've got a full-sleeve tattoo when Jack dies in Titanic. Arsenic martinis have one for free. And onto our carriage we're projecting Saw III. It's all in the best possible taste. Buy the bike shed, a pile of medical waste. We've got spooky screams, creaking hinges, bloodied gores and used syringes. We've gone all out for Halloween.

We've slashed the neighbours' hubcaps and on our outside wall we've stenciled Simon Casey's WhatsApps. A haunted doll's house represents the steep fall in house prices and a voice on Tannoy whispers, Southern Rail apologises. We have transcribed everything ever said by Dominic Cummings, but the real horror, finding out he was right about some things. We've got Liz Truss's comeback, all the bedbugs found in Luton,

and a child trick or treating who's intolerant of gluten. Elon Musk's business ethics, Craig's remarks on Strictly, and people who say, oh, how's an autumn come round quickly? Rising global temperatures, the USA's gonna lobby People under 50 who do golfing as a hobby Government lying, the rise of the far right But the spookiest thing of all Forget it, it's fireworks night you've been listening to The Now Show

starring Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis, Ken Cheng Helen Bower, Ed Jones and Rashid Omani the song was written and performed by Rachel Parris, the show was written by the cast with additional material from Cameron Loxdale, Tasha Danrudge, Jules Garnett and Cody Darla. The producer was Sasha Bovak and it was a BBC

Studios production for Radio 4! The return of Doctor Who redacted. I think the blue box is our guardian angel. There's someone inside it, you know, keeping us all safe. But where are they? The Doctor is missing. I repeat, the Doctor is missing. So it's down to three friends to save the world.

But you don't need to hold my hand so tight. I'm not holding your hand. But can they save the Doctor? Doctor, no! Get away, it's a trap! Subscribe to Doctor Who Redacted on BBC Sounds.