Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 4th November

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches. They're joined by Colin Hoult, Laura Lexx and Jordan Gray.Anna Mann (Colin Hoult) shares advice about the cost of living crisis, Laura Lexx looks ahead to Prince Harry’s autobiography, and musical guest Jordan Gray debunks a controversy about Mr Potato Head.The show was written by the cast with additional material from Rebecca Bain, Laura Major, Nathan Cowley and Jade Gebbie.Voice actors: Luke Kempner and Katie NorrisSound: Marc Willcox & Gary Newman Executive Producer: James Robinson Producer: Rajiv Karia Production Coordinator: Sarah NichollsA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Colin Holt, Laura Lex, Luke Kempner, Katie Norris and Jordan Gray. And this is... The Now Show!

Thank you. Thank you very much indeed. Now, according to Michael Gove, we can expect a big change from now on. After 12 months of turbulence, after an all-you-can-eat news buffet, boring is back. Boring is back, apparently. He also joked that he'd apologised to the media

for the government's utter determination to try and be as dull as possible. But that determination didn't last long. No sooner had he said this than ex-Health Secretary Matt Hancock announced he was taking time off during a parliamentary session to take part in I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. But his participation has gone down badly amongst his parliamentary peers. I am furious because I have mastered the art of getting people to pay for my holidays,

but Matt Hancock has found a holiday he is actually being paid to go on, and I am very angry that I didn't think of it first. Hancock himself, though, is unrepentant and apparently is of the view that... Politicians must engage with popular culture to get their message to younger generations. His message being I am also available for panto and have an idea for a novel. I also have a slight suspicion that Hancock is really hoping someone will be bitten by a snake so he can say don't be concerned a vaccine will be ready by a snake, so he can say... Don't be concerned. A vaccine will be ready by early December. Hancock has now lost the whip and must sit as an independent,

which, by parliamentary tradition, means that when he is called by the Speaker, Lindsay Hoyle will now have to say... A call upon the Member for nobby no-mates. All in all, Hancock doesn't seem to have got the memo about being boring, and neither do the Russian intelligence services, who have allegedly been keeping things interesting

by exploiting the security risks as MPs and ministers keep using unsecured mobiles to chat on. Now, there were unconfirmed reports this week that the Russians had hacked into Liz Truss's phone during the leadership campaign and overheard statements on UK policy. Now, it takes a lot to feel any sympathy for the Russians at the moment. during the leadership campaign and overheard statements on UK policy. Now, it takes a lot to feel any sympathy for the Russians at the moment.

But I imagine having to listen to that lot. We have had five intercepts this morning. Let us hear. OK, number one. We are committed to growth. Number two. I am focused on growth. And number three? Growth is our priority.

Oh, please make it stop! Can't we go back to listening to Boris Johnson? We learn so much about Roman poetry! Whether the Russians acted on the intel from Truss's phone is unclear, although an MI6 intercept from the Kremlin apparently catches Putin saying... Our aim is to wreck Britain's economy and encourage division and chaos.

We should do nothing. And we don't know whether they're still listening, by the way. Who is Truss talking to now? She is on hold at John Lewis to discuss their 30-day returns policy. Now, of course, Russian intelligence don't just listen to one MP. They have a whole range of targets. There's Nadim Zahawi. Hello, is that the Whip's office?

Which leadership candidate am I supporting today? And Therese Coffey. Deliveroo. Can you send me 20 Rothmans? Then there's Keir Starmer. Context is always important, which is why it was also controversial this week when Suella Braverman, the newly appointed minister

for making Priti Patel look reasonable... LAUGHTER ..decided that the day after a firebomb attack on an immigrant centre in Dover was a good time to refer to illegal channel crossings as an invasion, a description which was denounced... By the tofu-eating guardian reading Wokorati. ..by people across the political spectrum,

and it found very little favour with anyone except in a small sewing club in Bayeux, who are very excited and want to make a tapestry about it. But apart from them, she was heavily criticised for using such an emotive term. The local MP, Conservative Roger Gale, said... Her language yesterday, I'm afraid, suggested she is only really interested in playing the right wing.

Which is true, but she's hardly the only one playing to the core vote. If you want an example of the sheer pettiness of party politics, we learned this week that Priti Patel used to allow asylum seekers to be housed in hotels, but only hotels in Labour constituencies. Now this begs the question, what happens in the event of a by-election? Oh, evening 40. Labour won. I beg your pardon, Major?

It says in the paper, yes, we now have a Labour MP. Right, everybody out. Please vacate your rooms. Thank you so much. Basil! What are you doing? Removing all the guests, dear. All rooms are now fully booked by groups of Eritreans, Iraqis, Syrians and Albanians. Why?

Labour constituency, dear, as of tonight. Bloody Home Secretary. Everybody out. Make way for the victims of war and famine. Albania isn't at war, Basil. Don't mention the lack of war. But all the fuss about the choice of a single word, invasion, with all its associations and connotations, just shows you how powerful words are,

which was why there was a lot of coverage this week as Collins Dictionary unveiled their top ten words of the year, almost all of which are cut-and-shut portmanteau variations on other words. The top ten includes... Party gate. A bog-standard gate suffix cliché which they define as... A political scandal over social gatherings

held in defiance of public health restrictions. But other people define as... A political scandal over social gatherings held in defiance of public health restrictions. But other people define as... A political non-story over what were not social gatherings, or at any rate, I was not aware were social gatherings held in full compliance with public health restrictions to the best of my knowledge. And no, I will not resign. An interesting feature of these lists every year

is that there's always one entry that's been around for years and years and one that you've never heard of. So we have... Sports washing. Which has been around for ages and means... Using sports events to distract attention from controversial activity. Which is certainly very current. Harry, are you worried about playing here in Qatar?

Well, you know, the World Cup is what it is, you know. You take each stadium as it comes and you try not to get distracted by how many immigrant labourers worked in terrible conditions to build it, you know. Because at the end of the day, that's not in our plan. We're just here to play football in an autocratic oil state with no football league as part of a billion-dollar deal. You don't have any concerns?

No, I do, yes. I'm worried about my hamstring. But number one, the word of the year is... Permacrisis. Permacrisis, defined as... A type of 80s hairstyle. We stole that joke from James Corden. No. Permacrisis means an extended period of instability and insecurity. In other words, 2022. Unstable, yes. Insecure, yes. But I'll tell you Boring.

Now, would you please welcome back to The Now Show a comic with a master's degree in stand-up comedy. So get ready to laugh and learn. It's Laura Lex. Hi. So, the big news this week. In January, Prince Harry is releasing his first book. And it is the most anticipated memoir since the explosive tell-all from The Man Inside Tinky Winky.

Spare is rumoured to be an unflinching memoir, but the contents so far remain a mystery. Harry and Meghan fans say it will be the beginning of the end of the royal family. The book has got royalists and racists going wild. Now, there's a superfluous adjective in that sentence, but I'll let you decide which one. They don't know what they're wild about, though,

cos no-one's read it. For all we know, the contents of the book's spare is just about different types of spares Harry's dealt with. Chapter one, all the excess keys I loaned out to neighbours I no longer talk to. Chapter two, I would have won if only that last pin had fallen. Chapter three, what is this concept of change that's non-essential? So who is angry?

Is it the people who think he should shut up and go away? The people that don't get him? The people that hate her? The people simply livid that they are going to wake up in January having had his book forced staple to their foreheads with no say in the matter. Of course, the assumption is that it's called spare as a reference to the old saying, an heir and a spare.

Traditionally, the firstborn would inherit and the second would be a farmer or a priest or a social media manager. I'm a second child and on behalf of all of us out there, Harry, babe, we see you, all right, my love? We've all been there, dancing in a tutu that was a hand-me-down, learning to just answer to your sister's name. We've all done it, we've all become comedians to try and replicate the level of love that the firstborn just got naturally.

It's Schrodinger's book. For Harry's haters, it's at once irrelevant and a dangerous threat. For Harry's fans, the tell-all 4K detailed expose of his entire life is him reclaiming the privacy he so desperately seeks. So why write it? Why write Spare? You're free now, Harry. You can do what you like. You're not living in that shadow. You've got the partner of your dreams in a city you chose.

And you've got a cool asymmetric haircut, so it doesn't matter that your hair's not as bouncy as hers. And you're on the Now Show, so that must mean Dad's proud of you. Sorry, I'm back on the wrong sibling issues here. Hang on. But you need to move on too, Harry, mate. Look, your wife is fit. Really fit. Just jet around LA kissing her on the mouth

and asking her what the atmosphere was really like on Suits. Listen, if you've not watched Suits, it's about a man who blags a job as a lawyer despite not having passed the bar exam. Imagine that, a world where you could just get and keep a job as a lawyer despite not having passed the bar exam. Imagine that, a world where you could just get and keep a job with that much power despite never having received a single qualification for the role. What could the book possibly say that we don't already know? Prince Harry's life has been well documented. His 20s were famously sensational. No-one had a harder job than the PR team for the Royals.

It's a sign of how hard their job was that when nude photos of the third in line to the throne surfaced, they were met with a sigh of relief because at least he wasn't in a Nazi uniform. It's always been hard to know what to do and aim for as a second child. Harry chose wild hedonism and some of us made our own card game based on which Lord of the Rings actors we most wanted to kiss. He was born into a plot line in a soap opera watched by the whole planet. 31 million people watched his mother's funeral. Functioning adults thought it

was appropriate, no not just appropriate, necessary that a little boy follow his mother's coffin alone down the streets of London and 31 million people watched it. So potentially if he wants to write a book that we each have every opportunity to not read if we don't want to, potentially he has earned the right to have his say. And if you don't want to read Spare, hey, there are other books by really cool other second-borns with isometric haircuts that are also really available. Thank you so much. I've been Laura Lex.

APPLAUSE That was Laura Lex. That was Laura Lex. So, next Tuesday, the 8th of November, the US midterm elections will be held. Don't worry if you're struggling to retain that date, there is a handy rhyme. Remember, remember the 8th of November,

gump out our treason and plot. Sounds a lot like the January 6th Capitol riot, which I hope you all forgot. Now, the incumbent party almost always does badly in the midterms as the public goes through its familiar ritual of alternating over-expectation with over-reaction. And this time round, turnout will be all important because two years of lying about the 2020 election being rigged may have convinced some Republicans that it's not worth voting.

That is known, OK, as the law of unintended consequences. Nobody ever heard of that term until I invented it last week, right after one of my staff told me about it. The midterms will determine whether President Trump looks capable of a presidential run in 2024. If the candidates he's endorsed in these elections do well, it will prove his popularity. And if the Republicans win both houses, they'll be able to make most of Trump's legal problems go away, such as the FBI investigation into why he was keeping classified documents from the White House in his house at Mar-a-Lago.

OK, the documents were classified, but they weren't mine. I got them by personal email from Suella Braviman. I like Suella Braviman, by the way. I like her policies on immigration, because they make mine look moderate. If the Republicans gain control, they may also be able to disband the investigation into the January 6th Capitol riots and disregard the subpoena that the committee has issued to make him testify. Let me tell you this.

I will disregard the subpoena. I will have nothing to do with the subpoena or sub anything. I don't do sub. Either they issue me with a proper peener or I stay right at home. I do have a proper peener, by the way. Many people say I have the largest, most beautiful peener they have ever seen. And that's a lot of penis. Now, despite all this, Trump has endorsed candidates in almost 200 races,

which is considered pretty extraordinary. It's also pretty cunning, since statistically enough of them are bound to win that the ones that don't can be quietly forgotten. The candidates he's backed nearly all bear a remarkable resemblance to him. They're Caucasian, they're male, and they look like they've been rolled down a steep hill in a grab bag of Wotsits. Now, if Trump does stand again, it will also be extraordinary, because the last two presidents are already the oldest by some distance.

People used to make jokes about how old Ronald Reagan was. But at 77, Reagan was younger when he left office after two terms than Biden was when inaugurated. And Donald Trump was older when he took office than Obama, W. Bush and Clinton were when they left it. And it shows Trump doesn't use a computer. He happily threw away America's lead in renewable technology, while Biden recently seemed to think there were 54 states and that he had visited all of them. I did not make myself clear. I have indeed been to all 50 states, but I've also regularly been in four other states. The state of confusion, forgetfulness, fatigue and north disorientation. In the Senate, only four seats seem to be in the balance.

And one of those is in Georgia, where the incumbent Democrat Raphael Warnock is taking on a Trump-endorsed former football star, Herschel Walker. Now, you can see why Trump wanted to endorse him. Here's what he said in a recent speech about dealing with atmospheric pollution. As soon as we don't control the air, our good air decided to float over to China. So when China gets our good air, their bad air gots to move. So it moves over to our good airspace. Now we gots to clean it all back up.

So let me get this straight. Chinese air is coming over and what's the word, Suella? An invasion. Yes. In addition to the midterms for Congress, next week also sees 38 states holding gubernatorial elections to choose a new governor. It's a bit odd, isn't it, to win a gubernatorial election and become a governor. Surely you should become a gubernator. I'm sure about 90% of people would rather be that,

and I know at least one British politician who would agree with me. Yes, it is of course a Latin term one that I very much approve of and if and when I make my triumphant return I will demand to be thus addressed. Hasta la vista baby! And now ladies and gentlemen we are joined by a legend of stage and screen,

making her debut on The Now Show. Please welcome Anna Mann. Hello. Hello, my darlings. Hello. Yes, it's me, Anna Mann. Siren of the stage and screen. Perhaps most famously, if I say Aliens, the musical. A little ripple of recognition over there. No-one in space can hear me scream, but boy, can they hear me sing. You remember this? Closed the first night. No, honestly,

they were handing out P45s during the interval. Yeah, so I understand, you know, when times are tough, but they're very tough at the minute. There's a cost of living crisis. You've heard of this, darlings. You've heard of this. And I grew up very poor. I know I sound posh, but it's all, you know, learned. And I actually grew up in the Midlands, in Nottingham. You know it. And growing up in Nottingham in the 1960s, or however old I'm meant to be... LAUGHTER

No, it was very tough for someone like me or you, darling. The only wonderful thing in such a sea of drab. I remember actually sitting on the bus as a seven-year-old girl I was actually only six but already very good at acting I was just sat reading an old girl's mag you know Bunty Judy Jezebel and this woman taps me on the shoulder I turn around she's staring at me like this think you're dead clever don't you she says reading I said darling I'm reading, she's staring at me like this. Think you're dead clever, don't you? She says, reading. I said, darling, I'm reading a girl's mag. She went, uh, educated, using all them big words. I went, mum, will you shove off? She's always hated me. No, I had a dreadful childhood. We lost dad early on due to his ridiculous asbestos hat. It was very tough, very tough. Mum soon remarried a horrible man called Ron.

She met him at the funeral. He was what we used to call a widow shagger. Life just became unbearable, it really did. We had to listen to them going at it, you know. They recorded themselves and played it in the car. He really was... That's another story. The point I'm trying to make going at it, you know. They recorded themselves and played it in the car. He really was. That's another story. The point I'm trying to make, young people,

is that you don't understand what it's like. My daughter's a young person. My daughter Mahogany, or Hog for short. Her father was the actor Harold Bagg. Do you remember him? Little ripple over there. She's taken both our names, so sadly she's known as Mahogany Man Bag.

But she's always picking me up on stuff. You'll find this, young people, they're always picking you up on stuff. You know, you can't get anything right. You can't say that anymore, mum. You know, you can't do that, mum. You can't drive the wrong way down the A45, mum. I was in a hurry hog. But it can be a real minefield for older people like myself. Did anyone see Mark Spencer? He's the Tory MP for something or other. And he got in trouble because he was talking about phone hacking. And he used a phrase, dreadful phrase. He said, a little man in China might be listening. Which when you say it like that, it does sound quite bad, doesn't it? A dreadful stereotype. It really is to say something like that.

And the Labour MP, Sarah Owen, said that Mark... What's his face? ..was once again showing ignorance on so many levels, which, funnily enough, was one of my better reviews for Aliens the Musical. No, but you can get in trouble. You really can. I remember performing in China, actually, years ago, and I was doing a wonderful show.

If I say Chairman Mao, the musical, remember this? Chairman Mao, won't you give me a smile? Sing along, if you know it. Won't you give me a look? Stick me in your little red book. Chairman Mao, Chairman Mao, Chairman now, now, now. Thank you, thank you. No, different sense of humour over there.

No, but I do worry for the young people, bless you, you are the future, because you have to be woke all the time. Have you heard this word, woke? I think I'm saying that right, woke? They have to watch what they say, you know, and we never had to worry about being woke, did we, growing up, you know?

I mean, we were all abused on industrial scale, but we never had to worry about that, do you know what I mean? So it sort of swings them roundabouts, really. But I do worry about the world we're leaving behind for the young people, for the future. They are the future. They're very annoying, but they are the future. My daughter, Mahogany, she says, Mum, you have ruined this planet, your generation.

I say, Mahogany Manbag, how dare you? I've always been very active in saving the planet. I once arranged for a jumbo jet to fly around the globe for three weeks with save the planet written on it. The economy's in tatters. I read the other day hedge fund managers made huge profits shortening the pound. And I thought, I've got no idea what any of that means.

And I think they rely on that, these bankers. You know. It's just greed, isn't it, really? It's greed. I mean, don't get me wrong, I can eat a packet of yum-yums in seconds, often before I've got them out the shop, sometimes before I've got them out the packet. But that doesn't end in someone losing their house, not usually anyway. But you know, it does give one pause, doesn't it? It's alright, I've nearly finished. It does... But it does give one pause, all this mad stuff happening. You know, the world is burning,

the economy is crashing, and what is one to do? But one thing I say to the young people, the older you get, you do start to see things from a very different perspective, you know? Because I used to be very left-wing, politically, as you know. But then I started to make a little bit of money, because I used to be very left-wing politically, as you know, but then I started to make a little bit of money and I just thought, Sodom. Thank you, my darling.

Mwah! That was Anna Milne. So, purely to annoy Elon Musk, we've stolen a Twitter format for this week's audience question. Halloween or bonfire night, you can only keep one. So which are you getting rid of and why? Halloween. I like burning things.

My wife is the bride of Dracula. She damaged our car reversing. She looked in the mirror and saw nothing. Dracula. She damaged our car, reversing. She looked in the mirror and saw nothing. Doing away with Halloween will put a stop to her tricks. Halloween and Bonfire Night, which you're getting

rid of on White Bonfire Night because I had a bad experience with it once. Your name? Guy Fawkes. So, thank you very much for those, and I think a comprehensive victory for Halloween there. Tonight's musical guest is a trans comedian from Essex who's lived in Scotland and Sweden. Well, I hope you like those haggis meatballs we left in the green room.

It's Jordan Gray! Thank you very much indeed. Thank you for having me. I've got some important information. A lot of lies got told during lockdown. A lot of rumours got spread, then lockdown ended, but those rumours have survived. So I've written a song to put some of those rumours to rest, and I should like to perform that for you now, if that would be all right. We were stuck inside for a long, long time, staring at a a screen swallowing its lies

so what I'm about to say might come as a surprise but I hope it's not too late to set a few things straight nobody asked for a gender neutral

potato head it started as a joke in a Facebook post Or a gender neutral potato head It started as a joke In a Facebook post And you all just believed it Nobody cares about the sex of Mr. Potato Head But you'll believe anything as long as it goes viral. Why read the article when you could just retweet

the title? Whatever happened to this world's respect for science? 5G did not cause the coronavirus. That was gays. Transgender women need to pee and poo as well There's no conspiracy to steal your toilets

Would you prefer I did my business in the men's Administering BJs to your boyfriends And no one's trying to track you with a microchip Your life is boring, trust me, no-one's listening Since the virus, you refuse to order Chinese food But you're happy to appropriate their whispering Such a clever joke, never gets what it deserves, that's fine Nobody asked for a gender-neutral potato head But if you care so much

Why don't you just go marry a potato? Thanks for having me, it's very important that you heard that APPLAUSE You've been listening to The Now Show starring Steve Punk, Hugh Dennis, Colin Holt, Laura Lex, Luke Kempner and Katie Norris The show was written by the cast with additional material from Rebecca Bain, Laura Major, Nathan Cowley and Jade Gebby The song was written and performed by

Jordan Gray. The producer was Rajiv Karia and it was a BBC Studios production. The spirits of Button House are back to haunt your screens. And now, your ears as a podcast, as we go Inside Ghosts. Series 4 is here, and we'll be following our favourite phantoms and the spooky stories that unfold episode by episode.

I'm Nathan Bryan, and join me for ghostly gossip with the stars from the show and take an exclusive peekaboo behind the scenes. The world's gone absolutely topsy-turvy. Inside Ghosts. Listen on BBC Sounds.