Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 5th March ft Zoe Lyons, Chris McCausland, Tim Sutton and Sooz Kempner

Episode Date: March 5, 2021

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches in front of a remote audience - and all from their own home!This week Chris McCausland Musks up, Zoe Lyons takes a dip whilst Tim Sutton and Sooz Kempner go Gaga...Voice Actors: George Fouracres and Karen BartkeProducer: Adnan Ahmed Production Co-Ordinator: Carina Andrews Editor/Engineer: David ThomasBBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Thank you for listening to the Friday Night Comedy Podcast. It's The Now Show. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis.

With us are Chris McCausland, Zoe Lyons, Tim Sutton and Suze Kempner, George Fouracres and Karen Barkie. And this is... The Now Show! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ah, thank you. Thank you very much indeed. And this week, the Budget began the long and arduous job of dealing with the financial scars of the pandemic,

and Rishi Sunak has an enormous task ahead of him. 726,000 jobs have been lost as a result of coronavirus, 726,001 if you count Kay Burley's. We haven't yet really grasped the scale of the economic damage of the last year but with 700,000 jobs gone, the dole queue is now longer than it's been for a while although that's bound to be the case when people have to stand two metres apart This year, UK government borrowing stands at £348 billion the highest ever outside wartime, which might give some people ideas.

We have committed so many financial resources, we might as well do the thing properly and declare war on someone. What do you think? It's risky, Prime Minister. Better leave that to Salmon and Sturgeon. Off the top of my head, I was thinking we could declare war on France or possibly if we really want to keep the press on our side Meghan Markle the announcements were the usual budget type stuff the Chancellor announced an extra 1.65 billion pounds to support the UK's vaccination rollout

so huge congratulations to any friends of Matt Hancock. And a £300 million recovery package for professional sport, which could be split across many different activities. Or possibly the UK government are planning to spend it in one lump in a bid for Lionel Messi. There was also a rise in corporation tax. Although, unfortunately, the companies which have done best out of lockdown are mostly the ones which don't pay much corporation tax.

Even the Poldark actor Richard Harrington, you may have read, had to take a job doing takeaway delivery last year, which on the one hand shows the state of the economy and the arts, but on the plus side means someone got their food delivered by a bloke off Poldark. Sounds like the pizza's here i'm not sure about actors doing all these other jobs i mean you know what actors are like they'll be wanting awards next we come to our next category best performance in a temporary lockdown role. And the nominations are... Tessa Cairns for Did You Order the Biryani?

Mike Bajinski for I'm Calling About Your Recent Accident. Sally Miller for Your Amazon Parcel Is Behind Your Neighbour's Hedge. And Toby Taylor for I've Got J-cloths, garden gloves or ironing board covers and I was nearly in Poldark. Other financial arrangements included furlough being extended until September, which is odd because that's three months after June when all restrictions are supposed to end. Possibly it's just so we can enjoy another three months of saying furlough,

a word that none of us had heard a year ago, but which has broken through now and established itself as one of the most satisfying words to say in the language, along with haddock, chomp-chop and Benedict Cumberbatch. There was also the announcement of six new free ports with more to follow around the country. They want to be careful with those, though, because too many of them will start to confuse the football results.

Newport 3, Freeport 1. Southport Freeport 2, Stockport 0. Freeport Portsmouth Ferryport versus Port Talbot Freeport awaiting planning permission. It all shows how the pandemic has affected everyone, especially the Labour Party, who, given tax rises and the continued massive level of state spending, seem to be slightly nonplussed during the Budget speech,

murmuring to each other and going... Hang on, that's what we were going to say. ..while Boris looked on, thinking... Ha-ha! S say, while Boris looked on thinking, ha ha, suck it up losers, blue is the new red. It was also suggested this week that with personal money short, the Prime Minister is thinking of setting up a charity to help him fund the redecoration of Downing Street. Successive premiers have of course refurbished the Downing Street living quarters over the years. Tony and Cherie Blair spent £127,000. David and Samantha Cameron upgraded for £64,000. And Theresa May spent £3.50, mainly on the pack of raw prawns she sewed into the curtains

before handing the keys to Boris. It does feel like if people are paying for Downing Street, they should at least get the odd tour. So, if you all follow me through here... Oh, mind that, madam, that's the Dominic Cummings apology table. Sharp edges. So, we come now to the main lobby, and it was on these very stairs where Prime Minister Hugh Grant did a dance in his underwear

because he had the horn for Marty McCutcheon. Oh, you can't go in there, madam. That's the PPE contracts dispensing room. That's close friends and party donors only. So if you'll follow me through here into the private apartments. Hey, Rishi! Sorrel, sorrel. Get out of the Prime Minister's rooms.

Put that tape measure away. Stupid fat Boris's. One day, we lives here. It was a risky thing to suggest, using charity, because with the economy 10% down last year, people are touchy about money. This week, the papers got cross about MPs claiming the cost of computers and Apple AirPods on expenses,

getting especially cross with Labour deputy Angela Rayner for getting her headphones engraved, even though a quick glance at the Apple website will show you that it clearly says... Add a special message to your Apple Pencil, iPad and iPod Touch with free engraving. Free, you see, free engraving. With all new options available for AirPods. It's free, it doesn't cost anything.

But that didn't stop the papers frothing at the mouth and going all Megan on it. Similarly, having spent much of lockdown frothing at the mouth about young people ignoring restrictions and going out and enjoying themselves. What the government seems to be banking on this summer is that the exact same young people will go out and enjoy themselves. And at this time, we'll all be grateful for it. Convincing them may be tricky, but the entire economic recovery may be dependent on it.

So perhaps their service to the nation's finance should be officially recognised. on it, so perhaps their service to the nation's finance should be officially recognised. This Thursday, and every Thursday, we will celebrate the youth of today, selflessly driving our economy forwards by going to their raves, tirelessly contributing to our industries of glow sticks, UV paint, and of course, entrepreneurial drug dealing. You truly are the best of Britain. Next up on The Now Show is a stand-up comedian with an honours degree in software engineering, legions of fans and a reputation for being a bit of a diva. So who better to talk to us about Elon Musk?

Here's Chris McCausland. better to talk to us about Elon Musk. Here's Chris McCausland. On Wednesday evening, Elon Musk's third unmanned test flight of his SpaceX Starship ended with yet another explosion as he strives to create the vehicle that will one day soon take some highly flammable humans to the planet Mars. But do you know what? I reckon he can afford another one. This last month or so,

he's been flirting with the title of being the richest person in the world. Until last week, that was when he wiped $15 billion off the value of Tesla with one single provocative tweet about the value of Bitcoin after Tesla had just invested in the cryptocurrency. Now, look, I'd love to put a really good Bitcoin joke here, but the truth is, I just don't understand what the hell it is. As Steve said, I've only got a degree in software engineering. I mean, it's meant to be digital, but you mine it. I mean, isn't that like saying, if you want to get your iPhone fixed, you've got to find a blacksmith.

But Musk these days, he seems to be in the news more often than that pandemic thing everyone keeps on going on about. I mean, to some people, he's a technological space adventurer, a pot-smoking prankster, a rock star to geeks and nerds all around the world. Although, to be fair, all you really need to attain that title is just have a girlfriend that doesn't require either a bicycle pump or regular software updates. But to some people, he's a figure of fun.

Almost like the mad genius that lives in a volcano unleashing his crazy schemes on a poor unsuspecting world. And as much as he doesn't need some skint scouse comedian sticking up for him, do you know what? I'm going to anyway. Because I want to defend what I see as being the sentiment of Musk. I know, it sounds a bit like a fragrance, doesn't it? The sentiment of Musk by Calvin Klein.

Because Elon Musk's primary goal is to save the planet. Or really it's to save humanity from itself. And he seems to be doing all of this with his fingers in more pies than he's got fingers. Although no doubt soon he'll probably have a company that can give you some extra fingers if you want them. He's trying to develop responsible and friendly artificial intelligence

that can solve the problems of climate change and once and for all eliminate the need for Greta Thunberg. He also wants to be ready to put computer chips in our brains just to give us a fighting chance in the event of the robot uprising and if that fails well at least we'll be able to see a lovely shiny robot doctor about all the headaches. And yes, throughout all of this, there does seem to be a massive dose of just mucking about, almost like a tongue in cheek, two fingers up to convention, like calling his tunnel digging company the boring company or selling 20,000 flamethrowers just for a laugh,

or blasting his Tesla sports car into space. The list goes on. It's got to the point where there isn't really anything you could make up about Elon Musk that wouldn't just sound like the kind of thing that Elon Musk might do anyway. Have you heard? Elon Musk has started a new company that generates wormholes out of the very energy of success. Really? What's he called the company? Gloryholes.

Even on Tuesday, he sent out a tweet saying that there was a new drug on the way, regretamine. Just popping one tablet could relieve the feelings of regret, and the internet almost melted with people being torn between wanting to join in on the joke but not being entirely sure whether it was actually a thing that he'd really created.

When asked in an interview why, amidst all the grand ideas, he plays the fool so much and does such preposterous things as blasting his car into space, he replied with a very simple but poignant answer, which was because it's silly and silly is important. After the year we've all had, silly has taken a little bit of a backseat in all of our lives. For some people, the last 12 months have been truly horrific, but for most of us, it's just been as simple as the loss of

silly. Those little excursions from the seriousness of life. Taking your kids to a theme park. It's silly. Going to the pub to talk about nothing with your mates is silly paying 45 quid to go and listen to a band do some worse versions of songs in a hot sweaty room it's just a bit silly isn't it but silly is important and yeah Elon Musk's idea of silly might be exponentially magnified by brain power, money, opportunity but you know he's the richest person in the world

now kind of off and on he's going to be around for a while or at least until the robots take over. So I'm saying that we should embrace him. And next time he's in the news for doing something completely preposterous, like erecting a hundred foot Christmas tree on Mars, or

shining the bat signal off the moon, or building a jet-powered Iron Man suit just for pigs that they can control with their mind, just so that you can say that pigs can fly. Rather than tucking and rolling our eyes, I think we should say thank you, Elam. Thank you for reminding us that even amidst the

seriousness of trying to save us all from ourselves, silly is important. And let's look forward to the next year being a little bit more silly and richer for all of us. Update downloaded. Installing now. Oh, sorry about that. That's just me girlfriend. I've got to go.

That was Chris McClaws then. Now, as well as being Budget Week, this also seems to be Falling Out Week, not least in Scotland. Yes, Salmond and Sturgeon go head-to-head was either the main headline or possibly the strapline of Finding Nemo 3. I'm not quite sure which. It's a complicated story, but it boiled down to the possibility

that if Nicola Sturgeon broke the ministerial code, she would be expected to resign with possible consequences for the Scottish elections in May. This is, of course, a sign of how much the Scottish system differs from Westminster, where breaking the ministerial code has no consequences whatsoever. Selwyn is trying to prove that Sturgeon and the Scottish government were warned they wouldn't come out on top in the issue, but carried on anyway, until eventually being forced to concede.

Now that does sound more like the UK government. All that needs is Marcus Rashford involved, and sound more like the UK government. All that needs is Marcus Rashford involved and it probably was the UK government. The drama boiled down to things like whether the First Minister could remember a meeting with her top civil servant. Things like that. The stuff of a Holyrood courtroom drama. First Minister, where were you on March 29th, 2018? I have no idea. Oh, I see. No idea. Not a memorable occasion for you. Not that I can recall. I put it to this court that you are lying.

It was the beast from the east. The biggest snowstorm in years. I will ask you again, First Minister, where were you? All right, fine. I was in the garden making a snowman in the shape of Theresa May and kicking the he-da-fuck. There we have it, Your Honour. Guilty. After all the build-up and eight hours of questioning, it doesn't look as though Sturgeon will be going anywhere any time soon. But that's, of course, one of the benefits of lockdown regulations.

In royal circles, though, we seem to be witnessing an even greater falling out, as the ongoing dispute between the Sussexes and the rest of the royal family seems to be reaching a peak, with a broadcast in America on Sunday night of the Sussexes' interview with Oprah Winfrey. Oh, I haven't been looking forward to an outside interview so much since Dominic Cummings sat in the Downing Street Rose Garden. In fact, I'm hoping Harry's going to claim that they moved to America in order to get their eyes tested.

On the same day, the Queen will coincidentally be appearing on TV herself in the UK, presumably to say... It is my earnest hope that my family and I have proved that we don't need the crown. We are quite capable of winning a Golden Globe for drama all on our own. Mic drop right there. To say that the British media are on the side of the palace would be the understatement of the year. The Times on Wednesday reported some three-year-old claims

of bullying by Meghan from members of her staff. She was criticised for wearing earrings given to her for her wedding by Mohammed bin Salman. Piers Morgan wears a blood pressure monitor just in case she's mentioned. And predicted weekend headlines include... I saw Meghan kick Queen's corgis. Meghan claims gold airpods on expenses.

Meghan broke a swan's wing in furiously ironic attack. Meanwhile, deep within the Palace press office, they're frantically searching for more ammunition. This is the clincher. I've found a photo of Meghan. More earrings? Better than that. This will nail her with the public for good. Is she at a lockdown party with Rita Alder? No, she's sitting on a dead horse. Huzzah!

Despite all the briefing and counter-briefing and frantic spoilers, no one, apart from Harry, Megan, Oprah and the production team, actually knows what the Sussexes are going to say in their interview. All we in the palace have to go on is the rather ominous trailers, in the first one of which Oprah says to Meghan... Were you silent or were you silenced? And Meghan doesn't reply. So even if she wasn't silenced by the palace,

she certainly seems to have been by Oprah. Highlights from the interview include... Harry, were you allowed to speak out? Well, I... Shh, I'm talking. As well as... Tell me a little, both of you, about your life in the palace. Well, we...

Just after this break. You can see why the palace are worried. I mean, after Diana on Panorama and Andrew on Newsnight, the track record of royal interviews isn't great, which isn't that surprising, since if you ever meet a member of the royal family, you're told not to ask them questions or contradict them. You know, the same arrangement Boris Johnson has with his cabinet.

In the United States, meanwhile, Texas seems to have fallen out with new President Joe Biden as it removes all its Covid-19 restrictions, including the mandate to wear masks. Fortunately, Texas Senator Ted Cruz is still taking the measures seriously, though. He's so committed to social distancing, he's in Florida. But the prize must go to the holiday business Pontins this week, who have surely fallen out with their Irish customers

after it was revealed that the company circulated a blacklist telling its staff not to accept bookings from people with Irish surnames. This list included names such as Carney, Doherty and Murphy, which means, according to a helpful report on BBC Radio 4, neither the former Bank of England Governor Mark Carney nor actor Cillian Murphy will be able to visit Pontins.

Which is a shame because they were all looking forward to a dune bungalow at Canberra Sands. Using surnames as a barrier to entry is not new, of course. There is famously a house in Los Angeles where they will set the dogs on you immediately if your surname is Windsor, Cambridge or Whitchell. In the end, they've shot themselves in the foot, though, because their evening entertainment now can't include Frankie Boyle, Jimmy Carr, Alan Carr or Paddy McGuinness,

and they've lost their chance of hosting the reunions of either the Gallagher brothers or the Nolan sisters. And they're just going to have to settle for giving explanatory interviews while Oprah Winfrey asks them... Are you silent or were you silenced? Yay! Now, would you please welcome a comedian who once played God in a stage show in London.

She's here to talk about holidays in the UK, so if you want the weather to hold up this summer, we'd best all pray to her. It's Zoe Lyons. With the announcements last week of the easing of lockdown and the possibility of foreign holidays once again on the horizon, travel companies are reporting huge surges in bookings. Lamping company Canopy and Stars reported the busiest days of bookings

in its 10-year history this week. The over-50s, I think in particular, are super keen to get their vaccinated bodies on board cruise ships, to enjoy the perils of endless high-octane, high-kicking entertainment, as well as the inherent E. coli dangers of an all-you-can-eat buffet. Having spent so long cooped up at home, the prospect of overpriced so-so accommodation, coupled with a dash of the holiday squats somewhere slightly warmer seems like a dream come true. Well, I for one won't be packing my inflatable unicorn into my mouldy

wheelie bag and dusting down my passport anytime soon. The foreign holiday rat race can run on without me. Even the thought of post-Brexit duty-free airport bargains won't tempt me. Now don't get me wrong, I love to travel. I always have. But if this pandemic has taught me anything, it is that the less you have to look forward to, the less you are going to be disappointed. We have been given a road map to normality, but with Boris in charge, one has to be cautious,

as that map might have been drawn up in crayon. 2020 was for me, as it was for many of us, a relentless game of disappointment dominoes as one plan after another fell by the wayside. Calendar notifications mockingly reminded me that I should be on a flight right now, three vodka tonics down and playing the is that chicken, fish or the napkin game with the dodgy plain food.

I'm staying home, mate. I live in Brighton and I am grateful for everything this city has had to offer over the last year. During the most recent lockdown, I've taken up cold water swimming as an activity that is apparently good for your immune system's circulation and can stave off dementia, which is ironic as I got so cold recently I completely forgot what my extremities once felt like. Back in the day, a British holiday was the only option for many.

Tropical destinations were still out of reach of most people. A fortunate few experienced white sand and bright azure oceans. No need for the British dipper's approach to sea bathing of firmly clenched bottoms trying to keep out an icy water ingress. Firmly clenched bottoms trying to keep out an icy water ingress. We are made to feel now that a foreign holiday is something of a human right. Destinations that would have taken Marco Polo years to reach can now be conquered by Barbara from Croydon in a few hours. Marco would have crossed the relentlessly unforgiving Gobi Desert

on a diet of determination, ambition and mouthfuls of sand. The discomfort and uncertainty must have been overwhelming at times, not to mention the awful chaffing. The only hardship Babs will have to deal with is trying to convince the girl at the check-in desk that an oversized bag, a make-up case, two stuffed tote bags and three lots of airport shopping actually does comply with the airline strict one piece of

carry-on luggage rule the british seaside has become something of a poor second cousin three times removed from these exotic possibilities but during this pandemic when we've all found ourselves contained within the limits of our island i have grown to love the british shore through my daily chilly swims i've really bonded it. Some days it's mill pond still, perfectly flat like sheet steel. Within a few hours, however, its mood could have changed dramatically, very much like me if I'd forgotten to take my HRT again. The little bit of the English Channel that laps up on Brighton Beach is part of a much greater body of water. As soon as you step your foot into the sea, you are connecting with all of it. Ankle deep in Brighton, you are now part of a much greater body of water. As soon as you step your foot into the sea, you are connecting with all of it.

Ankle deep in Brighton, you are now part of a natural system that connects to waters all over the planet. You are part of something truly beautiful. Sure, I realise that this rather romantic image is harder to bring to mind if you happen to find yourself on the beach after one of our not-infrequent sewage and stormwater spills. On those occasions, it's less about feeling at one with nature and more about not swimming into a number two. I am off to pop on my swim togs and take a dip in the local drink. Actually, speaking

of drink, I have found swimming in these winter months that I'm often so cold when I get out, I can chip the ice off myself for my post-swim pina colada. Now, you don't get that on the Algarve. Cheers. Cherry lines there. As Lady Gaga discovered, having a dog can bring difficulties. Even keeping your dog entertained isn't always a walk in the park. But luckily, with puppy purchases skyrocketing over lockdown, there's a TV subscription service called Relax My Dog, which is full to the brim with movies specifically for pooches, often starring a well-loved lead.

It might be the alternative to dog walking we've all been waiting for. Dog days for schnauzers, bad times for yorkies Hold on to your trousers if you're taking doggy walkies. A prelude to a violent dog nap and never thought it could happen in Malibu. My faith is shaken so I've taken a decision, we'll spend our leisure time with puppy television. It's pretty safe if they don't lick the screen Close the door, power on, and scene! You don't have to walk my dogs for me, no, no They're going loco for the littlest hobo

By the fire we can go hoochie-coochie While we scooch out of our coochie And the pooches watch Turner and Hooch No, you don't have to watch my dogs for me, baby. Take a dog for a jog. Got boosted by some bozo. Who knew perroquies could be so pericoloso? Keep a mebony and experience the optics.

Thank God for purplix. No, you don't have to watch my dogs getting lazy They're sitting pretty, watching Eddie, watching Frasier They're getting porky, but they're safe off the street Watching Lassie on repeat and Beethoven, baby No, you don't have to walk my dogs for me, baby Tim Sutton and Suze Kentner. Now, as mentioned, this week it was revealed that an actor from Poldark had worked as a delivery driver during lockdown. So we asked the audience via Twitter,

have you ever had a temporary or a fill-in job and what did you do? Yeah, and some of them are quite depressing. There's this one. The way I see it, all jobs are temporary. Some of these are the basis for a novel. Someone has written, while at university one summer, I worked as a cleaner at the airport cleaning the aircraft.

The team I worked with consisted of an alcoholic who drank all the miniatures on the plane as soon as he got on, a man that only barked as he knew no English, and a guy who had stolen everything he could from Duty Free and was working on a collection of British Airways silk scarves. You see, I think there's a Booker Prize nominee in there, frankly. I was once Donald Trump's hairdresser. It was quite lucrative.

I charged $100 a time, $50 for the cut and $50 as a search fee. And we'll be asking for more of those next week via Twitter at BBC Now Show. Thank you very much for listening and goodbye. Goodbye. You've been listening to The Now Show starring Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis, Chris McCausland, Goodbye. written and produced by Tim Sutton and performed by Suze Kempner. The producer was Adnan Ahmed and it was a BBC Studios production.