Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 5th November ft Glenn Moore, Daliso Chaponda and Stiff & Kitsch

Episode Date: November 5, 2021

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches from the BBC Radio Theatre in front of a remote audience.Joining them from a safe distance is Glenn Moore talking about returning back to the office, Daliso Chaponda on the future of the Metaverse and Stiff & Kitsch with a song about all the things we can now worry about again now the pandemic is over (kind of).Voice Actors: Luke Kempner and Katie NorrisProducer: Pete Strauss Production Co-Ordinator: Sarah SharpeBBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Deliso Chaponda, Glenn Moore, Stephen Kitsch, Katie Norris and Luke Kempner. And this is... The Now Show! Woo!

Thank you. And as we speak, the Glasgow Climate Summit is busy working away, trying to keep the maximum average temperature rise to 1.5 degrees. Which, coincidentally, is the maximum temperature I intend to keep the thermostat at this winter, having seen the gas price increase. But already, the summit has produced some cautiously good news. Yes, it's not just a talking shop for posturing world leaders. There are plenty of other events going on,

including meetings of the Energy Transition Council. Or, as they're known informally, the Solar Panel. And even the Pope has been praying for a solution to climate change. With or without divine help, world leaders have committed to end deforestation by 2030. Which may be good, or it may just mean that Brazil's president thinks nine years is just enough time to get the job finished. All those in favour of a 2030 deadline?

Mr Putin? Da. Mrs Merkel? Ya. Mr Bolsonaro? Sure, whatever. A similar pledge was made in 2014 and had no effect. Cynics say these deforestation deals are not worth the trees

that were popped into the paper they're written on. Also this week, India has agreed to go zero carbon by 2070, which is like someone straight after the Second World War promising to get something done by the time Oasis released their first album. While in the meantime, continuing to burn through coal like Tottenham burned through managers. Pledging that something will happen in half a century's time doesn't mean very much.

Especially since none of the leaders making these promises will still be in power in 2070. Excuse me? Apart from Vladimir Putin. And possibly Angela Merkel, who's rumoured to have a bet with Elton John over who can take longer to retire.

Elton, meanwhile, is rumoured to be appearing at the climate summit. And it seems to me you produce more carbon than a candle in the wind. To lead by example, though, the US is setting ambitious targets. By 2030, they've pledged that 50% of their vehicles will be electric.

And President Biden himself will be ahead of the game in his personal presidential vehicle, Mobility Scooter One. It's hard to think that it was only back in January that President Biden first walked into the Oval Office and uttered those immortal words. Why did I come in here again? Jill, have you seen my glasses?

They're on your head, Joe. Sunday, though, will mark exactly one year since the election that Trump still can't believe he lost, despite every opinion poll for six months beforehand showing him losing. Twelve months in, though, and Virginia, a state Biden won, elected a Republican governor this week. He's very Trump-like views, but didn't want the ex-president anywhere near his campaign, which Trump can also complain about. For the last few weeks, I have had to watch a man repeat my ideas without acknowledging where they came from. This is the first time that I have understood how women feel

without actually feeling any. Thank you. There were other worrying signs this week. Britain's most long-lasting patch of snow in the Cairngorms has melted away for only the eighth time in 300 years. Scientists monitoring the site found only a scarf, a carrot and Allard Jones looking very sad. There were also lots of accusations of hypocrisy

aimed at the climate summit. The Queen, the Prince of Wales and the Duke of Cambridge have all given support, but the Royal Family's combined carbon footprint tallies up to a massive 3,810 tonnes a year. Yes, although, to be fair, more than half of that is keeping Prince Andrew's helicopter running in case he needs to get away from a year. Yes, although, to be fair, more than half of that is keeping Prince Andrew's helicopter running in case he needs to get away from a lawyer.

The Prime Minister was also criticised on this front for lecturing the world on taking climate pledges seriously and then taking a plane back to London. Which was clearly unnecessary. Greta already proved that you can sail to conferences, which Boris ought to try since he's the only world leader who always looks as if he's sailed there anyway. It just shows that these things are often more complicated than they look.

For example, Sir David Attenborough, of course, attended the conference and urged the world to see sense in reducing emissions, but he, of all people, must know that if long-haul flights are banned, pandas will never get to shag at all. This is Popo, a female panda who is about to travel from Shanghai in order to mate with Ling Ling, a male panda 8,000 miles away in a zoo in Los Angeles. She is due to leave on Monday, but her keepers are worried

that she will have trouble using the rudder on her wind-powered raft. Not only was the 95-year-old Lord Attenborough there, but Boris Johnson was seated right next to him not wearing a mask, thereby recklessly endangering a national treasure. Yeah, right, I, you know, I breathed all over Sir David. What's next on the schedule? Er, you're flicking bogeys at Dame Judi Dench at 11 and then early start tomorrow at 7.30

you're due to cough into Alan Bennett's cornflakes. Please don't worry, the Commons would have punished him for that and then voted not to bother. Seeing that picture of the Prime Minister apparently fast asleep in the front row, I was reminded yet again that many of the world's most vital and far-reaching decisions are taken at 4am by people who haven't had a proper night's sleep for days on end.

And this may help explain the state of the world. I mean, we all know the feeling. A statement was finally agreed by all summit delegates at 4.36 this morning that Germany would call an Uber while France and the Netherlands would crash on the floor. The only dissenting voice was Michael Gove, who wanted to go on to a club. The conference, meanwhile, continues.

Greta Thunberg called for people to join her climate march on 5th November, possibly unaware of the significance of that date in the UK. It's going to be a shock after a long afternoon of marching and chanting when she suddenly sees the entire country randomly set stuff on fire. What the hell is going on? Look at all this smoke and carbon! Hi there, celebrating Guy Fawkes.

Who was he? He tried to blow up Westminster. We love him up here! I kind of like the new Greta, though. She's 18 now and seems to have entered her sweary student phase. No wonder they didn't ask her to speak at the conference. Delegates of the COP26, you're all a bunch of f***. You sit there looking like a load of f***,

going blah, blah, blah, and doing **** all about anything. And look, this guy down here is even fast asleep, and he's not wearing a mask. What a ****. And now, to tell us why working from home is possibly a good thing and possibly a bad thing, but definitely a funny thing, please welcome Glenn Moore. So lockdown restrictions. Lockdown restrictions have eased to such an extent that the government wants us all to go back into the office. Everyone needs to go back to their place of work,

including me, so I'm furious to be here. No, if I got to do this show from home, I'd get to go and see my wife and kids, who I never get to see because I don't have any, and I've got to come here. If I got to do this show from home, I'd get to go and see my wife and kids, who I never get to see because I don't have any. And I've got to come in. All I want to be able to do is just have my evenings free, just like the first lockdown all over again. That's why I've started to do most of my gigs at 11am. I've worked at 11am gigs are great. No one's drunk. No one's tired. And a few days ago, I did a stand up gig at 11am and some guy in the audience heckled me with don't quit the day job, mate,

and at 11am that's actually very encouraging to hear. I understand that it's GPs who are currently under the most pressure to go back into work. Sajid Javid says that they must start going back to face-to-face consultations, and that makes sense. You know, Zoom appointments are hard. I had a Zoom appointment with my GP the other day and he actually diagnosed me with a case of...

Which was very difficult for me to hear. The point is, yes, some jobs do not work from home. So I live with my brother, and when I say brother, we're trying not to put a label on it, but I live with my brother. And my brother tried working from home over Zoom, and it didn't work, because my brother and I say brother, we're trying not to put a label on it, but I live with my brother. My brother tried working from home over Zoom and it didn't work because my brother is a lifeguard. Sorry, my brother was a lifeguard. And I don't think offices are good for your mental health. You know, I find them stressful and sure, you know, you haven't known stress until you've had food poisoning during a massage, but nobody... LAUGHTER Nobody likes offices, nobody likes seeing their boss. You know, about ten years ago, I had an office job. I got so sick of having a boss, I became a freelancer,

and then I ended up with 11 bosses. LAUGHTER Sure. There are occasional benefits to working in an office, and things I miss, like, you know, your colleagues having to bring in cake for everyone if it's their birthday, or, you know, your colleagues having to bring in flowers for everyone if they've been birthday, or, you know, your colleagues having to bring in flowers for everyone if they've been at a funeral, you know, and stuff like that was fun.

And, oh, there was one great time at an office I worked at where my office was actually visited by the secret millionaire, and for weeks we didn't know who it was, and it actually turned out it was the new 65-year-old intern with the camera crew. 65-year-old intern with the camera crew? But is it really going to make people work harder if they're forced to make small talk and see their colleagues? I mean, do you know how bad it is having colleagues? I used to work with a guy called Wesley, and Wesley was from, I want to say Djibouti,

because it's fun to say he was from Swindon. And I... I hated Wesley. He was an unpleasant guy. He used to make fun of me for wearing double denim, and he was just jealous because he couldn't afford to wear two denim jackets at the same time. It was pathetic. And I hated everything Wesley said and the way he said it, for reasons that will become immediately apparent.

On my first day in the office, Wesley offered me a drink, and he said, Hi, Glenn, can I get you a cappuccino or a cuppatino? And that's reason enough for justifiable homicide. He showed me my desk in my chair, and he said, Bon Appetit. I wanted to murder him on the spot. Everything he said brought me up the wrong way. Get this, he's never owned a clock or a watch, so he calls daylight savings turning the ovens back. I had to work with this guy. So I started handing out my CV literally anywhere that wasn't an office. I handed my CV out to Ikea, you know, because sometimes it's just good to get your foot in the schlogen's flow.

It seems to me that we're just trying to get people back into offices just because that is what people used to do. And Brits are a sucker for punishing people for stuff that they used to get punished for. And yes, things were tougher for people in the olden days, but then why continue that? You know, my grandad used to have to walk six miles every single day just to find hot singles in his area. It doesn't mean we should. It can be easier for us. The world has moved on. As Bob Dylan once

said, oh, the bureaus, they are dishinging. You've got to consider your employees' circumstances and what is best for them. You've got to walk a mile in circumstances and what is best for them. You've got to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, which I have done if you count up all the times in my life I've been bowling. But I say... LAUGHTER ..that great things happen

when people are allowed to work from home. George Orwell used to work from home, and at home he wrote 1984, the first and only ever novel to be later adapted into a full calendar year. Great things can happen. I think people work better when they're at home and when they're happier. And sure, maybe that's just an assumption.

I don't know that when you make an assumption, you're making an ass out of you and... But it's just what I believe. But crucially, I was out and about a few days ago. I was at a clothes shop the other day. I was returning a pair of denim jackets. You don't need to know why. And while I was out and about a few days ago. I was at a clothes shop the other day. I was returning a pair of denim jackets. You don't need to know why. And while I was there... I was walking around outside and I just felt so free.

I was looking at all the Marigolds in bloom and all the Jeff Golds in blum. And I just thought, luckily, in my life, hopefully I'll never, ever have to set foot in an office again. Never again will I have to call in sick just to avoid coming in and say, oh, I can't come in today, I've got... You know, never again.

Never again will I have to hear my awful colleague Wesley say, oh, you're half an hour late, Glenn. And when I say, well, what time is it? He goes, time you got an oven, mate. Shut up! Thank you very, very much. One more. Right. Thank you very, very much. And more! Right, news just in.

We are at war with France. Relations between the two nations are now so bad that the town of Bayeux has reopened its tapestry factory in anticipation. Yes, war between Britain and France, such an ancient and venerable rivalry that you do wonder whether any modern politicians have the old-fashioned sense of chivalry to understand how a battle over fish should truly be fought. I am the feared Rhys Mogg of North East Somerset

and I challenge you, monsieur, to single combat. Except, oh, dear, you're using the wrong knife. Quel dommage. The French are furious that we're stopping French boats in our waters because they can't prove that they were fishing there before Brexit. And we're furious that the French have impounded a British vessel that was catching a type of mollusk in French waters that we hardly eat. Scollops. No, it's absolutely true, which the British fishermen don't even bring back here, but take to France and land there. And when I say no one eats scallops,

I am of course exaggerating, because along with sumac, star anise and Provençal chestnuts, they are part of the Waitrose Essentials range. or chestnuts, they are part of the Waitrose Essentials range. A British ship was a scallop dredger. Scallop dredging being one of the most damaging types of fishing that completely destroys the seabed and the habitats of dozens of species. Which is precisely why we demand the right to do it in French waters. But the fundamental problem for UK fishing is that we don't catch the fish we eat

and we don't eat the fish we catch. So 75% of UK fish is exported, mostly to the EU, while around 80% of what we eat is imported. Now, this is what the commercials don't make clear. Captain Birdseye loves his fresh flaky cod fingers and so do his grandchildren. Who also love the delicious haddock fillets.

But the cod and haddock both come from cold waters near the Arctic. So instead he catches lots of mackerel and herring and sprats. Which his grandkids refuse to try, so he sells it all in Europe and buys cod from Norway. Hooray!

British fish. It's for arguing with the French over, not for eating. And this is the whole reason the argument is so hard to follow. We like white flaky fish from the North Atlantic. Pollocks. No, it's absolutely true. Given that we're an island, however, our consumption of fish is surprisingly low and in fact falling,

which may have something to do with our coastal waters. To show it's as fresh as the day it was caught, all our fish comes ready wrapped in microplastics. Because we believe in excrements. Excellence. So going to war over fish seems rather pointless and impounding a trawler with a suspiciously Dutch name owned by a Scottish group called McDuff Shellfish,

another great name if you've ever eaten duff shellfish and paid the consequences, seems a rather stupid thing to have done, especially as boats, if left for any time. Get that stuff on the bottom. Barnacles. No, it's absolutely true. The French look like they might cut off power to Jersey

and interrupt our imports from Europe for Christmas. But if our fish look like they're trapped on the other side of the Channel with no hope of escape, don't forget, we have Kenneth Branagh on our side. Look out there. I don't believe it. It's a miracle.

What is it, sir? Little ships. Hundreds and hundreds of little ships come to bring back as many of our mackerel and herring and scallops as they can. Into the nets, boys! Into the nets, as fast as you can! Do you know the great thing is that if Nigel Farage is listening, he'll be in tears.

Now, actually, of course, this dispute has practically nothing to do with fish. No, this is about post-Brexit fallout and a French presidential election, in which a bit of UK bashing goes down just as well with the French electorate as France bashing goes down with the British. And as long as we remember that, all will be well. Now, I know we did it with Iceland, and I know the tabloids love any excuse to call something a war, but you can't go to war about fish.

No-one in history ever went... I have in my hand a piece of paper. I opened it up and inside were just chips. Herr Hitler has nicked the head of it. And consequently, we are now at war with Germany. And consequently, we are now at war with Germany. It's also easily avoided. The simplest solution would be the democratic one.

Give the fish the choice of where they want to be caught. Écoutez, poisson! If you want to be gently poached in a white wine sauce with herbs, swim for Calais! And if you want to be in a fish finger sarnie, swim the other way, if Priti Patel lets you in. So, in a week where Mark Zuckerberg announced the metaverse, we asked Aliso Chaponda to talk about what this means for Facebook and the wider internet community.

Hello! So Facebook has announced that it's changing its name to Meta. It's very surprising that such a successful brand has opted for a name change. We are all addicted to Facebook. When it went down a few weeks ago, I was in sweats. She might have messaged me back. Someone might have liked my post, the pigs are running wild on Farmville. We are about a year away from needing social media platform support groups.

Hi, I'm Hugh. It's been two weeks since my last hashtag. It's been two weeks since my last hashtag. I actually like the name Meta for Facebook because Meta means self-referential. Pretty much the perfect name for a place where everybody on it is obsessed with themselves. Twitter should change their name to I'm right and you're wrong. And Instagram should change their name to I'm right and you're wrong. And Instagram should change its name to, oh, come off it. No one's life is that good.

Now, the reason I told those last few jokes was to try and appear fair. The last thing I want to do is to make Mark Zuckerberg angry, as in my opinion, he is the most powerful human being on the planet. Putin and Kim Jong-un are crazy, but all Zuckerberg would have to do is release the private chats on Messenger and WhatsApp, and that would be the end of civilization. In the last few weeks, Facebook has received a lot of bad press over leaked internal papers. One of the most damning revelations is that Facebook's studies over the past three years showed that Instagram, which they own, affects teenage girls' mental health very negatively.

What's that? The perfect lives portrayed by their peers on social media makes teenage girls feel insecure and depressed? Forget teenage girls. You should try being me. Most of my peers on social media are super successful comedians and entertainers. How do you think that makes me feel?

We envy people on social media all the time, but it's not even their real life. It's a sizzle reel. It's the life they want you to think they are living. It's like me comparing myself to a Disney character. I thought I was doing well as an African comedian working and touring the UK, but Simba is king of all the Pride land.

You're a failure. You're a failure and a half. You're a failure. Oh, you're a failure, you're a failure and a half You're a failure, oh you're a failure Facebook is also in a panic because they feel they are not getting enough young users Of course they're not There are too many adults on Facebook Kids want to be on platforms their parents are not using. If you want your children to stop using TikTok,

you start using TikTok. If you want to make sure your kids aren't on Pornhub, you make a video and post it on Pornhub. But the thing is, Facebook shows you what you want to see. It's a tailored experience based on things you mention, look at, and click. I wrote a comedy series about racism, so I was often researching white supremacy. Now, Facebook thinks I'm racist. I'm offered discounts on tiki torches and white sheets. I'm asked if I want to follow Tommy Robinson and David Duke. And actually, I do follow them now. It really confuses them.

I believe that all immigrants should go back to where they came from. Deliso from Malawi, currently living in Manchester, has liked your post. Eh? All the criticism of Facebook comes down to one thing. We may be too weak for Facebook. The problem is in us. We are bullies, argumentative, petty. Algorithms have no morality. They just reward engagement. The more we talk about things, the more they show them to

us. Arguing and negativity always get more engagement. What there needs to be is a platform that rewards good behavior, compassion and intellectual nuance. But as that doesn't exist, please follow me on Facebook. Now, earlier this week, a survey revealed that in word association tests, the name Matt Hancock produced the word sleaze. And meanwhile, President Biden is finding it hard to shake off Trump's tag for him as Sleepy Joe. So we asked our audience on Twitter,

have you ever been given a nickname that you didn't want? Yeah, at music college, I was known as Sick Note. Why? Because there's one note I can sing really well. I ended up with the nickname Minty due to the fact I only turned up to the pub after eight, you see. Little did they know this was a ploy to avoid getting the first round in. Yes, I think we've all been there. I've always been known as Gathers No Moss.

Why? My name is Keith and I'm a rolling stone. So thank you for sharing those. And that is almost it for this week. Yeah, but finally, have you missed constantly fearing for your life in the light of a global pandemic? Well, our musical acts, Stiff and Kitsch, are here to give you plenty of new things to be afraid of, in song. You've got a clear mind

You're ready to face the day. You've got no worries or cares. Now Covid's supposedly gone away. World's reopened. Healthcare's coping. If you ignore the stats today, you're unstoppable, unshakable, invincible and this feeling's here to

stay. Except, then you start to think that even if we kill the virus, that the world is still in crisis, because the ice caps still are melting because of all the global warming. And the bees are finished swarming. Is Australia still burning? Yes, it's good the seas are rising. And the whole fracking world is going to drown.

I thought adults were supposed to be brave. They lied. My nan said have hope. But like her, the hopes died. I thought fear was for kids. But life's cruel twist. Is that the older you get, the longer the list. Screw this.

I'm afraid of everybody dying and I'll be left with nobody. I'm afraid of being trapped both physically and emotionally. I'm afraid to tell my parents that one time I took drugs. I'm afraid to tell my friends that only one time I took drugs. I'm afraid the internet is tracking my browser history. I'm afraid I've poked a hole in my brain from vigorous lateral flow testing. I'm afraid of not driving on a motorway with only two litres in the tank. I'm afraid my nan has gone to heaven, but then can't you watch me when I walk?

Nothing. I'm afraid of sending out a mad email and forgetting to change the name. I'm afraid I may have been missold PPI, but now I've left it too late to claim. I'm afraid of losing my key pop and drawing the world pop. How to use a moon cop? Of throwing up, of throwing up,

of everything going tits up. Getting rabies. Tom Daley. That'll get to all to have a baby when the phone rings that we can't sing Of absolutely everything I thought owls were supposed to be brave They lied, my nan said to have hope

But like her, the hopes died I thought fear was for kids But life's cruel twist Is that the older you get The longer the list Screw this! You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis, Deliso Chaponda,

Glenn Moore, Katie Norris and Luke Kempner. The song was written and performed by Stiff and Kitsch, otherwise known as Rihanna Needs and Sally O'Leary. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Mike Shepard, Jenny LaVille, Rebecca Bain and Tasha Danraj. The producer was Pete Strauss and it was a BBC Studios production.