Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 6th March - ft Lucy Porter, Darren Harriott and Rachel Parris

Episode Date: March 6, 2020

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketchesThis week we tackle the news from the UK and look further afield at Super Tuesday – Lucy Porter snoops on her shopping and Darren Harriott explores his environmental credentials.With music from Rachel Parris and additional voices from Joe Barnes…Written by the cast, with additional material from Laura Major, Liam Bierne, Helena Langdon and Charlie DinkinProducer: Adnan AhmedA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Emily Maitlis. I'm a presenter on Newsnight. And I'm John Sokol in Washington. Where are you from? BBC. Here's another beauty.

Before you listen to this podcast, we just wanted to tell you about our new podcast, AmeriCast. We'll be huddling round the United States of America as we follow the kind of unwinding of the 2020 presidential election campaign. Keep America great! We have a president who is lying

again. So do join us. You can subscribe to AmeriCast on BBC Sounds in the UK or on your usual podcast platform. AmeriCast from BBC News. Thank you for downloading the Friday Night Comedy podcast from the BBC. This week, it's The Now Show. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Lucy Porter, Darren Harriot, Rachel Parr Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Lucy Porter, Darren Harriot, Rachel Parris and Joe Barnes.

And this is... The Now Show! Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz, and thank you all for coming to this confined space in a major population centre. We should all enjoy this while we can. It is possible that large gatherings of people may soon be banned

so that only the Lib Dems will get to have a party conference. What a lovely audience. It's amazing how much noise 30 people in face masks can make. Yeah, and you're very lucky, because they're very hard to find. Fortunately, we found a job lot of second-hand ones from an asbestos removal company. Boris Johnson, of course, was brought out of hibernation like the Blue Peter tortoise this week

to announce the government's action plan. Like their Brexit plan, it's written on the side of a bus, but this time it just says... Avoid this bus. The main recommendation was to wash your hands for the amount of time it takes to sing Happy Birthday twice. There are other songs you can use, of course. Don't Stand So Close To Me by The Police. A rousing chorus of Staying Alive.

Although the Prime Minister likes to sing Happy Birthday every morning anyway, just in case it's one of his children's birthdays. Now, the advice, of course, has had its effect. Dettol hand wipes and soap have sold out everywhere. eBay currently has Front Row Genesis tickets going for less than a bottle of hand sanitiser. The hope is that all this will stop the outbreak

from being a major catastrophe, and so far that's worked, particularly for the pharmaceutical companies and soap manufacturers, who must be high-fiving each other... ..before realising what they've done and rushing off to wash their hands. According to the chief medical officer, the main thing we need to stay healthy is hand gel with warm water, so for the next few months, that is what I'll be drinking. Are we overreacting?

Why are people demanding a vaccine for this virus while refusing vaccination for another virus that kills 140,000 people a year? That's the global figure for measles, a virus spread in a very similar way but which doesn't prompt people to travel around looking like an extra from Holby City, hoarding

toilet roll and refusing to shake hands. Some say we should show a stiff upper lip. Others worry that having a stiff upper lip might be one of the symptoms of the virus. It's certainly that sort of uncertainty that's meant that faced with a serious outbreak of a deadly disease, suddenly experts are back. Yes, after four years of being told we're tired of experts,

we've decided that when it comes to virology and immunological research, some expertise might be quite useful. This is also very much the case in the United States, where 38% of people are worried they might catch coronavirus from Corona beer. And the president has said that... I am too scared to touch my own face. He also told a press conference that... A vaccine will be ready very soon.

Even though he'd just been told it would take 18 months. And best of all, when informed that 15,000 Americans a year die from flu, he said... Nobody knows that. Nobody told me that. In other words, I didn't know that, but my ignorance is someone else's fault. See, in a crisis like this, nations tend to act oddly in character. The Germans have banned handshakes, the French have banned kissing on the cheek. And the Chinese have used the military to lock down entire cities,

stopping all travel by closing highways and rail lines. Yes, and in Britain, we have our own way of doing this. We use roadworks, signal failures, and planned engineering changes to make travel so impossible that no one tries to go anywhere. The Chinese have also developed a technique to avoid

shaking hands. Instead, people kick each other's feet to say hello. And this has become known as the Wuhan Shake. It's going to be very confusing. Well, that incident has been referred to VAR. This could be a red card. He lunged straight for the foot there and got nothing of the ball. And here's the official decision from Stockley Park.

VAR says, cultural misunderstanding. Freaking. And in America, to avoid handshaking, people have started bumping elbows together. Which also won't work here. It might work for young people, but everyone of a certain age is going to be thinking... Bump elbows, eh? Eh? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, cough, cough.

Wheeze, wheeze. Eh? Could be contagious, eh? But interestingly, thus far, we haven't been advised to do any of this because our Britishness may give us some natural immunity. As the most standoffish nation in the world, we are temperamentally protected from a virus. There is no obvious danger to health

in greeting someone you know really well by just nodding and going, all right. You are unlikely to catch coronavirus if you've never hugged anyone in your life. British manners may save us. This may be the best place to be, in a country where our eyes never meet

and our fingers never leave the screen of our phone. We never look at people, so we're unlikely to breathe on them. We naturally maintain a safe distance from our fellow citizens by use of the age-old British greeting, What are you staring at? For the British, though, there is, however, one really scary side of the epidemic. The idea of being in isolation with our nearest and dearest...

LAUGHTER ..for weeks on end. Families up and down the country are already having the discussion... Now, where do you want to go if we have to self-isolate? And for many, the answer is the same. Anywhere you're not. And even within the family house, the safest place will be somewhere completely on your own,

which gives parents the chance to turn the tables on their teenage children. Mum! Mum, please, will you come out of your room? Don't want to. But you've been in there for days. Your daughter and I just want to see you, give you a hug and to check that you're all right. Mum!

Oh, leave me alone. I'm counting our toilet rolls. So let's look on the positive side. This outbreak is achieving many things people thought were impossible. Nitrogen dioxide levels have dramatically dropped across China. Flight cancellations are reducing carbon emissions worldwide and Venice, where they've been complaining for years about the number of tourists, has seen a significant drop in visitors. Even though they've been stockpiling masks since the Renaissance. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Now, our next guest thinks online banking is a scam, so pays for everything with pennies stolen from her children's piggy bank. Would you please welcome Lucy Porter! Now, unlike many people, I've been really looking forward to self-isolating because I thought that with a couple of weeks to myself, I could really get to grips with semaphore. But this week, I read reports that there are things just as scary as coronavirus lurking inside the home. These scary stories mostly concern the internet of things, which is a phrase vague enough to just sound slightly sinister, but apparently it means stuff like having your washing machine connected to the internet so that you can wash your pants with an app. I'm not that impressed with the internet of things. After all, my gran had an integrated network of programmable appliances for years. It was called a Teesmaid.

The National Cyber Security Centre, I don't know what that is, but it's a hell of a sexy name, has advised people to change the settings on their baby monitors after buying them, since the cameras can be watched by criminals over the internet. I'm not sure criminals hacking into baby monitors is such a bad thing. When you've had a baby, you find them endlessly fascinating, but no one else is really interested. It's hard enough getting people to care about your kids' pictures on Facebook, and that's friends and family. Frankly, if some random guy in St Petersburg wanted to look at them, I'd be delighted. This week, hackers pulled off their most middle-class crime yet. They hacked Tesco club cards and redeemed a load of other people's points. Guys, things just got real. You can take my privacy, you can watch my children sleep, but I

will fight you in hell before I let you take my voucher for a five pound bottle of Pinot Grigio. Of course, once I realised how vulnerable supermarkets are to security breaches, lots of things started to make sense. I'm pretty sure the wheels of the shopping trolleys are being controlled by Al-Qaeda. And whoever's putting Smarties mini-eggs by the till is clearly exercising powerful mind control over me and forcing me to buy about 15 bags with every shop. Someone walked past my trolley the other day and asked if I was stockpiling them and I was like, no, that's just my normal amount. Apparently 19 million people have a Tesco club card. That's nearly 2 million more than voted for Brexit. Imagine the arguments, heartache and division the country could have been saved

if instead of a referendum the government had just offered us all 20 pence off a multi-pack of Twiglets. It was also revealed this week that Amazon's smart doorbell system keeps records of the exact time their ring doorbells are activated right down to the millisecond. And yet they still can't estimate a delivery slot closer than the nearest four hours. BBC News suggested that from this data, somebody could extrapolate when you're home

and what your social life is like. I've got enough in this world to worry about without my doorbell judging me for never having friends round. Maybe I'm happy with my friends all being TV characters' doorbells. Shut up, you're not my mum! The most upsetting thing about this story is that from now on, if Amazon leave a card saying I was out when they tried to deliver a package,

it's doubly annoying because they definitely did know that I wasn't in. It's scary when you get targeted ads for things that you're sure you didn't Google but think you may have mentioned within hearing distance of your phone or Alexa. I mean, obviously it's listening. It's either that or your computer is a psychic that chooses to use its incredible mind-reading powers solely to sell you mini-breaks in the Cotswolds. The best thing about all these cookies that target ads at you

based on your previous purchases is that they never understand context. So after this week, we can all now look forward to having pictures of hand gel in our sidebars until 2025 or the collapse of society, whichever comes first. So what can we do to fight back against the hackers and the corporate snoopers? Well, you can change the password on all your devices to bog off Jeff Bezos, you nosy bastard. can change the password on all your devices to bog off jeff bezos you nosy bastard or you can confuse all the companies that want to buy your personal information i've already filled my amazon basket with things i have absolutely no intention of buying leatherback driving gloves a replica viking longboat and the complete novels of edwina curry or failing that you can join me and we can self-isolate together, hiding in a locked

cupboard with the lights off, clutching my grandma's teas made and working through my stash of Pinot Grigio and Smarties mini eggs. Thank you. Now, the British public often complain about too much coverage of American politics, which is odd, since America will soon be setting our trade policy services well to keep up. Yes, and between now and November, you can be pretty sure

we're going to be hearing a lot about the US election campaign, a gruelling six months of candidates travelling hundreds of thousands of miles as they crisscross the country, flying endlessly from state to state, followed by plane loads of reporters, Greta Thunberg vainly trying to keep up in her canoe. The basic principle is simple. The country splits into red states, places which largely vote Republican, blue states, places which largely vote Democrat, and swing states, places

where you can have sex with other people's partners. But before voters get to vote, registered party voters vote on who they want voters to be able to vote for in the actual vote. This week it was Super Tuesday. Which is super in the way that Sky Sports insists that a normal Sunday's football schedule is Super Sunday. It sounds better than multiple state primary day and it gives us a chance to see who the Democratic Party will nominate to lose to Donald Trump in November. The whole thing is like a giant reality show. This week, the 77-year-old beat two 78-year-olds and a 71-year-old

for the right to take on the 74-year-old. While three contestants were eliminated. Basically, it's Love Island in a care home. Basically, it's Love Island in a care home. Or it may just indicate that Americans don't believe that age matters. Bernie Sanders did very well with voters below the age of 45. Joe Biden did very well with voters above the age of 45. And Michael Bloomberg did well with the remaining voters outside those two categories.

And to be fair to Trump, his body might be 73 years old, but he has the hair of a seven- to eight-year-old. A beautiful chestnut thoroughbred from atop stables. He's also said a president in that all previous presidential candidates released their medical records, but Trump simply relied on a letter from his doctor saying that he was... Undoubtedly the healthiest individual ever to run for the presidency. Which it turned out Trump had dictated. An actual White House doctor, meanwhile, is on record as saying that his job largely consists of...

Making the ice cream less accessible. And also... Hiding cauliflower in the president's mashed potato. And of course, not telling the president that lots of people die of flu. Nobody told me that. Nobody knows that. Sure enough, all the current candidates have followed Trump's lead and have not released their medical records, leading to a fight between Sanders and Bloomberg

about who had a heart attack first. Very much what you expect of top-level political debate. No, you had a coronary. I didn't have a coronary. You have bad arteries. There's nothing wrong with my arteries. My arteries are perfect. I have trouble with my back. You think you have trouble? Let me tell you about my back. Gentlemen, we have to move on to the next question. Tell us what you think about how much time young people spend on their phones. Well, don't get me started on that. It's ridiculous. Now, on the one hand, it is true there have been papal elections

with a lower average age than this one. On the other hand, senior citizens are a vital demographic, both politically and, of course, economically, as you can see every time you switch on a TV. As a Saga member, you could get 20% off at Ibis Hotels, win a free road trip through the Namibian desert or, from November 2020, become leader of the free world. Follow us on Twitter or use the hashtag

HowDoesThisThingWorkAgain. This is, however, a significant moment in the presidential race as, for the first time, Biden is in the lead. Now, of course, he'd been written off only two weeks ago so that when Biden won this week, they could pretend it was an amazing comeback rather than being exactly what everyone expected all along. It was never going to be easy for Sanders,

who is vulnerable on some issues, his refusal to back gun control, for example. Or his controversial refusal to reveal his secret blend of 11 herbs and spices. Biden's comeback caused some other moderates, such as Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg, to drop out, and this changed the game, reducing the field to candidates whose names people could spell easily.

And then Bloomberg and Elizabeth Warren dropped out as well, leaving the producers worried that they might need to fly Noel Edmonds in as a last-minute addition to the line-up. For us, though, there may be an upside. Having wasted half a billion of his own money, Michael Bloomberg has revealed himself as a man prepared to invest in projects that may have no economic return. We could use that.

Come in, Mr Bloomberg. Let me show you something that may interest you. We call it HS2. Can comedy solve climate change? Probably not, but in the meantime, here's comedian Darren Harriot. Greta Thunberg came to Bristol last weekend. Tens of thousands of people came just to hear her speak and join a march around the city centre,

which does sound better than the number one best thing to do in Bristol on TripAdvisor, which is currently look at a bridge. I have been to Bristol many times, and people are always quick there to tell you the things Bristol is proud of. For example, Ribena was invented there. There's lots of other stuff, but I only really cared about that one. Oh, also, they invented bungee jumping, which is the opposite of Ribena. If it ends up in water, something's gone wrong.

the opposite of Ribena. If it ends up in water, something's gone wrong. It rained heavily on the day and protesters were standing on the College Green, which unfortunately was left in a mud bath and the area had been destroyed. It prompted a fundraiser for repairs to be carried out that has now reached nearly £14,000. I like Greta. I think for all the wrong reasons. I just like how the media make her seem like she's always angry, but she has pigtails. I grew up as a kid watching cartoons and fairy tales where women with pigtails were either damsels in distress or someone who burns their mouth eating bear's porridge. When it was announced she would be visiting Bristol, as much as people were excited, there were people who weren't happy and tried to

encourage violence against either Greta Thunberg or those taking part. Comments were posted on the Bristol Post website by mainly older men, who I would imagine are dads and granddads themselves. One nasty comment I read was by a man who had an almost obnoxious amount of Union Jack flags in his profile photo. He wrote, in all caps, SHE SHOULD BE BURNT AT THE STEAK! And some genius just commented back, our photo. He wrote in all caps, she should be burnt at the stake.

And some genius just commented back, why? Do you have proof she's a witch? I don't want to be that guy, but burning someone at the stake is actually one of the least eco-friendly ways to identify a witch.

The ducking stool has a neutral carbon footprint. So let's get with the time, shall we? I only started caring quite recently. I started caring because of the Extinction Rebellion protests. I like the cause. I'm just not happy with all the representatives for Extinction Rebellion. There's too many white guys with dreadlocks for my liking.

What annoyed me was they started bragging about how diverse their protest was. They were like, we had record numbers of black people at this protest. Now, I'll speak for all black people when I say that. What was that? What's record numbers? Two? Look, I'll be honest. People think that black people don't care about climate change. We do.

We really care about climate change. The thing is, we've just always got more important things to worry about. You know, like the white man. It's white man first, carbon emission 17th. Number four is white women. Number three is the police. And number two is police dogs. Statistically, ethnic minorities, we are the least likely to join in with climate protesters. Because for most minorities, the countries we come from are already really hot. So we don't see the problem. To be honest, the UK could do with a few more degrees.

Studies show that old people are the least likely to make any changes to better the environment, but use most of the resources. Okay? Old people, they love free things. Shower seats, telling you stories about people you don't know and electricity. Their houses are so hot. They always use a tumble dryer and drive everywhere. Do you think they're really willing to make those changes to better the

environment? You know, use less electricity, try a plant-based diet. I doubt it. It's hard enough to get some old people to stop using the term coloured. I'm very aware of the age demographic in here. I am generalising, but look, it's not all old people. It's not all. It's not. I'll give you an example. Sir David Attenborough, OK?

Sir David Attenborough, for example, is really leading the charge on climate change, which is great. However, I do find it funny that he's really adamant about change when his TV series are some of the highest grossing DVDs of all time. He is responsible for so much plastic washed up on the ocean. There are dolphins who have choked on a Blue Planet DVD, which has a picture of a dolphin on the front cover. It's the circle of life. Last month was the wettest February in the UK since records began in 1862, according to the Met Office.

It always gets me when they say, since records began. Like one day someone said, yeah, we should keep a record of the rain. Before that, you were either just wet, not wet, or a witch. People worry more now about climate change. A survey suggested that a quarter of people felt that climate change was the most pressing issue facing the UK. The other issues were Brexit, inequality, and was Ribena really invented in Bristol? During February, we had vast volumes of extreme rainfall over parts of the UK,

courtesy of storms Chiara, Dennis and Jorge. My favourite storm was Dennis, just because its name's Dennis. It sounds like the sort of storm that not only would tear apart your shed, but also build you a better one. Look, I do think there is a need for someone like Greta, young and the voice of a generation. I actually don't think she's always angry. She's just passionate about saving the planet, which I respect. When I was her age, 17, I wasn't passionate about anything

other than underage drinking. Me and my friends would go to the park after college and just drink cans of beer. Now that I think about it, we didn't put any cans in recycle bins. Cheers, guys. Now, they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. When I say they, I mainly mean Rachel Parris.

CHEERING This week, The Telegraph reported that Brexit negotiator David Frost had enjoyed a patriotic breakfast before leading the first day of trade talks. I vow thee to my country Eggs, bacon and baked beans People were quick to mock this with LBC's James O'Brien leading the charge. And did they eat at breakfast time

Foods from an English greasy spoon But why shouldn't eating a fried breakfast be an act of national loyalty? Maybe that's what we all need right now. And why stop at breakfast? Think of Britain, think patriotically Fingers in ears, la la la-la-la-la, just think of your country. A patriotic breakfast with a patriotic sausage and a patriotic cup of Yorkshire tea.

Wear a patriotic trouser suit from M&S with a patriotic stain on the left sleeve. Think of Britain, think patriotically. Fingers in ears, la-la-la-la-la, just think of your country. At a patriotic end of the patriotic day, you get home at a patriotic ten to eight. Your patriotic husband asks you crossly where you've been And you explain you patriotically

Worked late Was Gary working too? He asks in a very British tone I bet that patriot Was with you this whole time Leave Gary out of this You cry he's twice the man you are As you down a patriotic glass of wine

Next morning quite hungover In a uniquely British way The smell of hope greets you in the hall He's cooked eggs, bacon, baked beans And yes, sausages as well A patriotic breakfast truly solves it all. Think of Britain, think patriotically. Don't think about anything else, just think of your country.

Need some comfort? Well, here's the recipe. Baked beans, sausages and eggs and a good old cup of tea. So, clearly the news has been very worrying recently and we've asked our audience here to tell us something to cheer us up. We aren't talking about Brexit anymore. I love this. Someone's thought about it and then they've just written, Am I late? I'm here for the Wogan show. Tell us something to cheer us up.

The platypus both lays eggs and produces milk. It is therefore one of the very few animals that can make its own custard. That's fantastic. So, thank you very much for those. We are indeed cheered up. And thank you for listening and goodbye. Goodbye!

You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Puntz, Hugh Dennis, Lucy Porter, Darren Harriot, Rachel Parris and Joe Barnes. It was written by the cast, with additional material from Charlie Ginkin, Laura Major, Liam Byrne and Helena Langdon. The producer was Adnan Ahmed and it was a BBC Studios production. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. She was a green pioneer and that Mother Teresa, not so good. A little bit cold, in fact. If you want to have your moral parameters kicked about,

catch the new series of Evil Genius. Go to BBC Sounds and hit subscribe, but not in an aggressive way. Otherwise, once you're deceased, you'll become a subject and I will rip you to pieces.