Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 7th April

Episode Date: May 5, 2023

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are David Eagle, Janine Haruni, Daniel Barker, Roshin Omani and Jess Robinson. And this is... The Now Show!

Thank you. Thank you. Well, it was a week of facing consequences. First, Donald Trump became the first US president ever to face arraignment on criminal charges. And by doing so, he joins an elite international list of world leaders to whom this has happened, including Silvio Berlusconi, Nicolas Sarkozy and the president of Catalonia.

As Trump himself might say... They arraign in Spain, but me, that's just insane. Several commentators have argued how counterproductive it all is. Two weeks ago, their hero was a washed up has-been, whining to half full rallies in right wing counties. And now he's the centre of attention again, basking in the publicity and with the donations rolling in. It could have been worse, though, if he'd ever opened a Bible. As I stand in this court, I think of other persecuted leaders who entered major cities just before Easter along roads lined with his supporters.

Only to be arrested. And that is why today I arrived here on a donkey. By turning the whole thing into a media circus, it's hard to focus on what he's done wrong. So what did Trump actually do? Well, he did Stormy Daniels, allegedly. That was in 2006, but there was nothing illegal about that. The court case is about the alleged hush money he paid her

and others afterwards. Ten years afterwards. So why did he do it then? Well, because by then he was the Republican candidate just weeks from an election. But, of course, the alleged hush money was paid not by Trump but by his lawyer, Michael Cohen. Michael Cohen, who, as Trump supporters point out... Is a convicted liar!

Which is true, but misses out the one crucial detail that he was convicted of lying to protect Donald Trump. So the question is... If the money Trump paid Michael Cohen to pay Stormy Daniels to stay quiet is classed as an election expense, then does that mean you've all stopped listening, haven't you? And that is exactly how he keeps getting away with things. Trump is also moaning that this is all designed to derail his presidential campaign,

and given that he's already twice impeached and facing two further and more serious charges, the fact he has a presidential campaign is amazing to start with. A master of self-pity, Trump also said... No politician has ever been more unfairly treated in the whole of history. At which point, Abraham Lincoln, John F Kennedy... LAUGHTER ..and Julius Caesar all said... Nah. Nah.

As he drove to the courthouse, Trump also tweeted... Can't believe this is happening in America. Where was he expecting it to happen? Scotland, probably, giving his dealings there. But as it was, they had to make do with arresting the ex-chief executive of the SNP, who said... No politician's husband has ever been treated more unfairly in history. While Nicola Sturgeon commented...

They can take my husband, but they can't take my freedom! Also, over on this side of the Atlantic, legal consequences were being faced in Dover, where not being a member of the EU means that people leaving the country now need their passports stamped. And this week, the government finally admitted for the first time

that stamping passports takes longer than not stamping passports. It's a good rule of thumb, really. Doing something usually takes a bit longer than not doing something. Now, we've actually timed this one to prove it. Here's how long it takes to stamp a passport. Hand it over, open it at the correct page, look at photo, look at you, hold it up,

look at photo again, look at you again, place passport down, pick up stamp and... Now, here's how long it takes to not stamp a passport. That's the sound of a bored customs official waving you through with barely a glance. We are told that the delays at Dover are the fault of the French, as if under EU rules they're required not just to stamp each passport, but also to ask you where you're going in France, and when you answer, say, Quelle coïncidence? My aunt lives there! And then recommend a restaurant, and then wish you bon voyage,

laugh at your photo, show it to their colleagues, and only then give you your passport back. Because, as usual, the responses to the problem were entirely predictable. Suella Braverman said that the travel chaos had nothing whatsoever to do with Brexit. While the Port of Dover tried to sell the whole thing as an Easter experience, telling coach drivers... You will be motionless for two days. Right. But on the third day, you will move again.

Now, it's not just passport officials there are too few of. It turns out, it was also announced this week, there is a shortage of bell ringers for the coronation and people are having to be hurriedly trained up in time. Now, on the plus side, this might solve the problem of where Prince Andrew watches the ceremony from. Yeah, he can watch it from the rafters of Westminster Abbey with the added bonus that you can't be arrested in a church.

Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Plus, you'll be good at bell ringing, because the rope can't slip if you don't have sweaty hands. Now, of course, the consequences of your actions are not necessarily intended ones. So, as a consequence of Putin's invasion of Ukraine, for example, Finland joined NATO this week, having applied to join in May last year.

It would have been quicker, but their application was vetted by French border control. So, keeping to the theme of consequences being faced in America, please welcome back to the show Janine Harouni. News outlets reported this week that even more US states have introduced legislation that restricts access to abortions. And while there are cases of abortion that seem to be consistently protected, threat to mother's life, medical necessity, incest and rape,

today I am here to defend the right for any woman, for any reason, to have an abortion. Because being pregnant sucks. I myself am an American, currently four months pregnant, with a baby that was very much planned and very much wanted. But it is hard. Friends ask, are you craving anything crazy? And I'm like, yeah, a drink.

Pregnancy excludes you from so much. Now there's conflicting advice, but here's a comprehensive list of all the things the internet has told me to avoid while being pregnant. There's the ones that we all know, like drink, alcohol, drink coffee, smoke, use drugs. But pregnant women are also advised not to have a hot bath, use a jacuzzi, sauna, hot tub, whirlpool, or steam room, clean a cat's litter box, take most over-the-counter medications, eat hot dogs, sushi, smoked salmon, charcuterie, soft cheese, raw sprouts, ready to eat salad or deli meats. This is why abortion should be legal, because no one against their will should have to give up ham. And apart from all the things you can't

do while pregnant, you also have to endure all the symptoms of pregnancy, like constant nausea. Pregnancy nausea feels like you're having the worst hangover of your life on a rocky boat where you've recently contracted norovirus. But on the plus side, it lasts months. So I bought a little gadget that looks like a wristwatch, but actually it sends me an electric shock every five seconds to combat my nausea. It costs 200 pounds, and if you want to know how it works, it doesn't. Apart from nausea, here are some of the normal symptoms of pregnancy. Migraines, vomiting, frequent urination, exhaustion, dizziness, diarrhea, constipation, acne,

internal pain from your organs moving, a weird metal taste in your mouth, all you can eat is bread, your breasts hurt, and your nipples turn black and grow to the size of small dinner plates. And all of this is just the opening act to the main show of squeezing a baby out your fun hole. Also, many women like me have to take medications to ensure a safe pregnancy.

Over the course of nine months, in order for me to make a baby, I need to take 840 pills, 280 injections, and 224 anal suppositories. But that's nothing compared to my husband, who had to have sex for five minutes. Being pregnant is like doing a school science project where I do all the work for nine months, but my husband gets full credit because he brought the pen. But I don't want you to think there are no good aspects of pregnancy. We can't overlook the obvious miracle. Your body is making your boobs huge.

No, obviously, I mean your body is making a baby to love and cuddle and bring into this world. Pregnancy is difficult and scary and painful as hell. I'm barely enduring it now, and I want a baby. But if you're forced to endure all of that because your government says so, then nine months of pregnancy is nine months of prison. And on Monday, the Florida Senate passed a bill banning abortions after just six weeks of pregnancy. That's only two weeks after your missed period, when most women don't even know they're pregnant yet.

And even if you do notice your period was missed, that only gives you two weeks to decide if you want an abortion. You get longer to decide if you want to keep a blouse from Zara. What are they, trying to trick women into keeping the pregnancy? Like when you sign up for a two-week trial of a streaming platform and then they make it impossible for you to cancel? Next thing you know, you have a year-long subscription to Hulu and a baby. And I'm not sure which is worse. Governor Ron DeSantis signed the Florida bill into law stating,

we're for pro-life. You're not pro-life, you're anti-women. Pregnancy isn't a life, it's the potential for life. A potential that you need a woman's consent to create. Look, you can combine flour, sugar, milk, and eggs without the oven. You don't have a cake, Ron. You have a bowl of soupy garbage. Try serving that at your kid's next birthday party. Just tell them, dessert starts at the moment of conception, kids,

so grab your ladles. It's time for cake. Women in Florida are now only given a mere six weeks to consent to spending the next 40 weeks pregnant. Imagine a sexual encounter that lasts 40 minutes by some miracle. It's as if Florida lawmakers are saying women should only have the first six minutes to opt out. But there are so many reasons women might want to stop having sex at any point. It's painful, not enjoyable, or you find out the guy owns Crocs. And it's not just Florida. Dozens of states have rolled out restrictions like this. That means the U.S. now has more regulations on a woman's womb than on assault rifles.

So I propose we start thinking of women as guns. I mean, why not? They're both sexy, powerful, and Republicans just can't seem to keep their hands off them. Conservatives in America are all for bodily autonomy when it comes to vaccines and masks. They're all my body, my choice, but when it comes to abortion, they get all handmaid's tale. Anti-abortion activists argue that mothers who receive abortions are murderers and that the unborn baby has the right to life. Um, no. This isn't a child who can survive on their own.

It's a fetus unable to sustain life without being hooked up to its mother. Just think of pregnant bodies as life support machines and women as healthcare proxies. Would you call a woman a murderer if she made the decision to pull a family member off life support? Of course not, because we all understand that if you need to be hooked up to something to keep all of your vital organs alive, then you ain't really living, unless you're Joe Biden. That guy's definitely hooked up to something. So in conclusion, if anyone, anywhere, knows how to cancel a Hulu subscription, please do let me know. That was Janine Haroney. Thank you.

That was Janine Haroney. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. This weekend, for the first time since 1967, there'll be no coverage of the Masters Golf on the BBC. But that's what happens when the licence fee is frozen for two years with inflation over 10%. Interestingly, though, even Sky are struggling because the US Open Golf is asking for so much for broadcast rights that so far they won't pay it.

It's all part of huge changes in sport that make it increasingly hard to even quite define what sport is. In the brave new world of YouTube boxing, e-sports, golf simulator bars and football clubs as docudramas, things are changing so fast it's hard to keep up. The language of sport is changing. For example, the phrase... That's not cricket. ..now applies to almost all forms of cricket, if you're used to the game as it was even five years ago.

There's a proliferation of formats, ball colours, new shots. Yes, it's a dying form. Nowadays, if you want an event the last five days, you need to book a ferry from Dover in Easter week. Everything has to be faster and bigger. The 2026 FIFA World Cup is expanding from 32 teams to 48. That means 108 games in four weeks. And the new format means 32 teams will qualify. That means 108 games in four weeks.

And the new format means 32 teams will qualify for the second round. So it's going to take 72 matches to eliminate just 16 teams. It feels so complicated. The coverage is going to be hosted by Gary Lineker, Gabby Logan and Rachel Riley to do the maths. And if that wasn't enough, the tournament is being held in the US, Mexico and Canada. So fans could have to fly thousands of miles between matches and all to watch Andorra draw with Togo

and then both go through anyway. No wonder YouTube football is taking off. Yeah, YouTube football. That's literally Sunday league teams but offering constantly updated full online coverage on field and off and gaining huge audiences. One of the most successful teams is Hashtag United, which boasts more YouTube followers than Atletico Madrid.

It's only a matter of time before these tactics filter back into the conventional game. So, how did it go today? Well, I was pleased with the lads this afternoon. You know, the TikTok dance we practised in training got a great response. And, you know, I mean, we let a couple of goals in while we were doing it, but, you know, the fans loved it. So, you know, I mean, we let a couple of goals in while we were doing it, but, you know, the fans loved it. So, you know, next week they're focusing on the twerking.

The thing is, sports channels are 24 hours a day, but sports events aren't. So sports coverage is now about far more than just the event. 20 years ago, Grand Prix coverage started 20 minutes before the race with a quick summary of qualifying and a look at the grid. Now it's... Join us for race weekend. It all kicks off Wednesday with a full preview and interviews.

Then don't miss practice for pre-practice at five. Then on Thursday, pre-practice for qualifying practice. Followed by the practice session for first pre-qualifying. Friday, it's final qualifying pre-practice followed by first qualifying. Saturday, second qualifying. And then Sunday afternoon, join us for the grid walk. The irony is, as sport gets shorter and shorter, the punditry and pre- and post-match analysis gets longer and longer. The ideal, you sense, is that the two become indistinguishable

instead of... See that goal that VAR rolled out? You have. Did you see that three-quarter-of-an-hour argument about that goal that VAR rolled out? Everything takes place on a screen, which brings us to eSports, which literally means people playing video games

in front of an audience. This week, David Beckham announced he was helping to fund the opening of an eSports HQ in London, which aims to train up the next generation of eSports stars. It makes you wonder who else the world of eSports will borrow from regular sport, like the commentators. And the players are off. They're straight to the

X button, the Y button, and oh, it's the X button again. Y, square, triangle, left X, square, triangle, R1, right square, and oh, it's a beautiful use of the X button. It's truly magic and it's live. With all these new varieties emerging, old-style sport may begin to price itself out of the market. Premier League season tickets are going up all the time.

Three-quarters of golf clubs now charge more than £1,000 a year for membership. And for a non-member, it costs an average £108 a round. A bit like a pub in central London. Perhaps we're heading for an era of cheaper minority sports on our screens. There could be street cricket. Oh, he's bowled a good medium-length ball. Oh, and the batter's nicked it. Nicked it and run off.

That's our ball. Give us back our ball. You could have less expensive horse racing. Well, here's the Grand National. As the horses come round to the chair for the second time, the music stops. And Red Rum has been eliminated. And, of course, sport will always have its emotional moments. Well, McElroy takes out his driver.

Uber will not be happy about that. Well, now here's to talk about advancing technology and the many ways in which it can ruin our lives. Will you please welcome back to the show, David Eagle. Will you please welcome back to the show David Eagle. Last week, Elon Musk warned that artificially intelligent technology is the greatest threat to humanity. And of course, when you think of Elon Musk, the first word that naturally springs to mind is humanity.

One of the issues that the free speech crusader Elon Musk seems to have about AI technology is he believes that it is too walk. In fact, Musk is considering developing his own anti-walk AI technology. I mean, what do you expect, though, from a load of computer nerds? Of course, there are a load of walkie snowflakes. It's the PC brigade.

Robot builders are set to revolutionise the construction industry. An executive at the robotics construction firm ABB said... Robots can make construction safer by handling larger and heavier loads, assessing dangerous spaces and enabling new, safer methods of construction. Make things safer sounds a bit woke to me. But do not fear. Elon Musk is going to create his own anti-walk

robot builders. In addition to not giving two hoots about namby-pamby health and safety, they will also be programmed to wolf whistle, bare their backsides at passing women, and will be armed with a variety of lewd misogynistic phrases, such as, get them out for

the lads. While it's understandable that people are concerned about how AI and technology is advancing, I, as a blind person, have massively benefited from this technology. No longer do I need to worry about getting lost when I'm travelling around. I've got one of those 5G-connected Huawei phones. If I'm ever lost, just give the Chinese government a quick call. Stay there, sir. We'll send a balloon.

But genuinely, one way in which AI is helping blind people make the world more accessible is in its ability to recognise photos. In 2016, Facebook announced that it was going to start using AI to describe the contents of photos to blind people.

You can imagine my excitement when I first tried this out. I remember someone tagging me in a photo and waiting with increasing anticipation for the algorithmic magic to do its thing. After a few seconds of waiting, my computer finally said, Photo may include one or more people indoors wearing shoes. may include one or more people indoors wearing shoes. Well, I mean, you can imagine the nostalgia trip that this took me on. As memories came flooding my mind of indoor shoe-wearing experiences of yesterday. Thanks to Facebook, I was able to narrow it down to it probably not being a photo of me in a mosque.

A few years back, I tested an app that allows a blind probably not being a photo of me in a mosque. A few years back I tested an app that allows a blind person to take a photo and have it described to them in mere seconds. I excitedly began to snap away, taking photos as I walked down the street. And it's coming back with very impressive, detailed results. I mean, I say impressively

detailed, obviously not being able to see, I've no idea if any of it was accurate. I was quite surprised that there was an elephant walking down rural Sheffield. I've been very, feet, I hear my phone from across the other side of the road proudly announce... Identified. Lab post. I'm not convinced that Musk needs to worry about AI being too woke. The other day I thought I'd give ChatGPT a try. This is an online AI programme designed to interact with you as if you were having a conversation with a human.

I was about to set off for a stand-up gig so I thought I'd ask it if it could give me a little bit of advice. Within a second it came back with... It is vitally important to create a connection with your audience. The easiest way you can do this is by making eye contact. So now not only do I get heckled by people at stand-up gigs, but I can

also enjoy being heckled at home by an algorithm. I'm always falling prey to technology's ability to distract. The other day I was trying to do some writing when one minute in I was interrupted by a notification saying that Windows has successfully installed an update. A minute, I was trying to do some writing when one minute in, I was interrupted by a notification saying that Windows has successfully installed an update. A minute later, I was interrupted again by another notification saying that Dell had successfully installed an update. It's funny enough getting notifications about my own computer without having to hear about other people's computers as well.

A minute later, my phone buzzes to tell me that someone has commented on one of my videos, simply writing, Ginger Pratt. I put my phone back in my pocket, slightly wounded, and attempted to get back on with my work. But no sooner had I done that, my phone buzzed again, and then again and again. You are wrong, said a commenter. Brilliant people have come leaping to my defence. He's not ginger, he's strawberry blonde.

leaping to my defence. He's not ginger, he's strawberry blonde. I continued to read the amassing list of comments which essentially amounted to a debate onto what colour my hair was. Not one person seemingly disagreed with the notion that I was a prat. If the technology we have today was around 300 years ago, I wonder how many literary works of genius

might have never seen the light of day. William Wordsworth sits down at his computer to write, aha, I've got it. I wandered lonely as a bing-bong. Oh, the bing-bong, by the way, is me doing an impression of a computer notification sound, just in case you were confused and thought, I didn't know Wordsworth had

Tourette's. Fortunately, in 1936 they didn't have Siri, Google and Alexa hooked up to their domestic appliances. Fortunately, in 1936, they didn't have Siri, Google and Alexa hooked up to their domestic appliances. Otherwise, W.H. Alden might have plunged his life into complete chaos when dictating one of his poems. Hey, Siri, stop all the clocks.

Cut off the telephone. No problem. Disabling all services on your home network and cancelling your phone contract. And now it's time for me to say goodbye. I think that went all right. Some of your jokes were tediously predictable, with an over-reliance on unsubtle, cringeworthy wordplay. What a prat.

Yeah, I really must remember to uninstall that Elon Musk anti-war AI app. Bye! That was David Eagle. So, as previously mentioned, Easter weekend is traditionally a big sport weekend. So we've asked our audience what is their greatest sporting achievement. What is your greatest sporting achievement?

Allowing my wife to beat me. In every sense. What's your favourite sporting achievement? Seeing Iron Maiden. At Twickenham. An ongoing game of hide-and-seek with SNP donations. What's your greatest sporting achievement? Landing on a sheep after my first parachute jump.

Well, thank you very much for that roll call of triumph there. And that's almost it for this week's show. Yeah. Now, Donald Trump isn't the only American multimillionaire with an eccentric diet and widely discussed skincare routine to appear in court in recent days. As we've learned from the legal travails of Gwyneth Paltrow, getting hauled in front of the judge can be very good for business. Jess Robinson has all the details.

APPLAUSE Put on my golden shades My very best boss bitch smile. Paired with a classic cashmere dress, I won an Oscar for way less. You've dragged me into court for this pathetic slalom witch trial. But your skiing into me was nothing but an opportunity. Gwyneth takes it all. Win or lose, it's wonderful

in the press and on TV. I get so much publicity and all for free. For my medicine, some doctors say you're spurious. As well as kinky bedroom playthings for the curious. I sell food you shouldn't eat and tea they wouldn't drink in China. I'll even sell you candles with the scent of my va- Wait.

Will they sue me if I say vagina on Radio 4? I hope so, because I can earn more money than I did in cinema By convincing you you need a coffee in Emma You'll buy a steamer for your lady parts Then keep on spending more Special offer, get a carpet for your pelvic floor You might think all my products are quite niche.

But the way they're selling now, they're gonna make me extremely rich. Cause there ain't no ski slope steep enough. Ain't no plaintiff can weep enough.

Ain't no therapy creepy enough to stop me profiting from being sued Please don't think that I'm rude In my business I'm shrewd My positive attitude is easily misconstrued Now the post lewd For the time this trial has wasted Some other folks would tell you

Go to hell! But no, not me When I think of all the many Extra pointless things I'm going to sell I wish you well. and Roshin Omani. The song was composed by Alex Silverman and performed by Jess Robinson. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Aidan Fitzmaurice, Katie Storey, Pravanya Pillay and Cody Darla. The producer was Sacha Bobak

and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4.