Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 8th April

Episode Date: May 6, 2022

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Laura Smith, Chris Thorburn, Chiara Goldsmith, Luke Kempner, Tim Sutton and Suze Kempner. And this is... The Now Show! Thank you. Thank you very much.

And there's a lot of wishful thinking around at the moment. A lot of stuff that we're hiding our heads under the metaphorical duvet and pretending has gone away. Last week, airline EasyJet removed the requirement for masks on flights and this week, 160 EasyJet flights had to be cancelled because so many flight crew had Covid. British Airways also cancelled around 100 flights and passengers might just start to get nervous.

Welcome aboard this Boeing 737, which can hold 180 untested passengers sitting very close together. In the event that the person next to you starts coughing non-stop for the next two hours, the emergency exits are situated here, here and here. Easter flight disruptions now seem inevitable, although some airlines do still enforce the wearing of a facial covering. That's right. We never wanted our flights to become mask-free

because that goes against our policy of having anything free. Happily, though, just as lateral flow tests also cease to be free, the government have published nine more symptoms of Covid to add to the three we've had all along, so we can work out whether we've got it without the Treasury having to pay for us to find out. Unfortunately, the new list covers pretty much every symptom a human being can get.

We are one step away from the NHS helpline becoming a recorded message. You're through to NHS Direct. Please describe your symptoms. Well, I haven't... That sounds like Covid. Thanks for calling. I am pretty sure I've had at least one of the listed symptoms every day of my adult life.

If the world of work is trying to get back to normal, it feels like they may need to be more specific to stop people trying it on. All of these symptoms could have other explanations. Have you lost your appetite? Yeah. Have you been in an all-you-can-eat buffet since seven this morning? Yeah. You haven't got

Covid. Have you developed a sore throat? Yes. Were you shouting at Arsenal for two hours on Monday night? Yes. You haven't got Covid. Do you have sore throat? Yes. Were you shouting at Arsenal for two hours on Monday night? Yes. You haven't got Covid. Do you have a headache? Er, yes. Were you out with 40 of the girls on a hen night last night? Yeah, we went to Amsterdam on EasyJet.

You haven't got Covid, although you will have in three days' time. Also not going away was Partygate, which we are continually told the public are not bothered about, although opinion polls suggest the opposite. The fact it's dragged on for six months, when it could have been over in 48 hours, is entirely down to a refusal to admit anything wrong, even after a report and a police investigation.

This week, on his LBC show, Jacob Rees-Mogg was still claiming that... The Prime Minister did not mislead Parliament. He was given the wrong information by his staff. Apparently still not having grasped that having a Prime Minister who relies on his staff to tell him if he's at a party or not is kind of the whole problem. If you choose to tell Parliament...

There were no parties at Downing Street. And then... I was not aware of the parties at Downing Street. And then... I was aware of the parties but not aware that they were parties. And then... I was not aware of the parties at Downing Street. And then... I was aware of the parties, but not aware that they were parties. And then... I was at some of the parties, I was not aware were parties, because my staff had not told me that they were against the law

that I had just announced about parties. Then you can't be that surprised if the public are still a bit sceptical. Because it's not that the public expect anything to happen. They know full well that the slogan... Johnson must resign! ..is about as meaningful as the phrase, DFS sale must end Sunday. They also know that calls from the opposition have no effect whatsoever

because the opposition are still not seen as effective. Yes, and to put this into perspective, if you type the term, is Keir Starmer a robot into Google, you get half a million results. So, if a few months ago it looked like the Prime Minister's career might be over,

it clearly isn't, despite the police findings. And brilliantly, it was also revealed this week that one of the Downing Street fixed penalty fines was given to the head of ethics who had brought her own karaoke machine. I just love the idea of Downing Street karaoke. The choice of song is the key, of course.

Dominic Cummings apparently could never choose between Day Tripper and Doctor My Eyes. But what about the others? Right, right, it's time for a sport of karaoke that my staff didn't tell me would be happening. Right, Hancock, what are you going to go for? I thought I might do I Feel Love again. OK, what about you, Nadine?

Perhaps something that reflects your personality. Wrecking ball. Now about you, Jacob. I shall sing what I always sing, a selection of Renaissance madrigals. Now about you, Jacob. I shall sing what I always sing, a selection of Renaissance madrigals. I shall include green sleeves, which is both topical and appropriate,

as it has just been declared a symptom of Covid. Right, Rishi, are you going to do Taxman again? Another thing that we thought was over after COP26 was the argument over renewable energy, but the situation with Russia has prompted a sudden resurgence of interest in nuclear power. Which produces radioactive waste that requires absolutely stable geology to store underground. And also fracking.

Which destabilises underground geology. So the combination of the two could be good for hopes that Britain can produce its own independent post-Brexit Godzilla. And finally, talking of things that aren't over, it was nice to be reminded that the BBC programme Newsround is still going and celebrated its 50th anniversary this week. Or, as I still think of it, John Craven's Newsround. Not to be confused, of course, with John's

Craven news round, which formed the basis of modern Russian news broadcasting. Hello! I am John. Today, in Ukraine, everything is going very well and President Putin is military genius. Good night!

Goodnight. Now, please welcome a stand-up comedian who has also worked as a teacher. So pay attention, there may be a test at the end. It's Laura Smith. This week, an Ofsted report has been published highlighting the gaps in basic skills of writing and even speaking of nursery age students as a result of the pandemic and various lockdowns. I know this is true of my own children who only heard a few phrases from me throughout the pandemic, which were, yes, in a minute, darling.

Mummy be with you in a minute. I said, hold on. Because I was working from home myself as a teacher. don because I was working from home myself as a teacher whilst I was busy teaching other children my poor kids watch so much YouTube that now when they like something they think they need to comment share and subscribe even if it's just breakfast up until six months ago I was still teaching full time and doing this online was basically hellish role play make--believe. It was an absolute farce. I pretended to teach, they pretended to learn, their parents pretended to care. I knew it was all a farce when I got to the end of an online lesson

and said, any questions? And a kid asked for a Netflix recommendation. I was definitely glad to get back into the classroom and all the parents were very glad to get them back in the classroom and as the Ofsted report proves, schools and nurseries are essential, magical places

of learning and socialising but adults in various sectors are just a little bit more reluctant to get into their place of work I think it's fair to say. Of course they're reluctant. Working from home means cutting out the long commute, possibly being more productive, being near the fridge.

Let's face it, using your own toilet. We're not animals. But the pressure's mounting. The pressure is mounting to get everyone back into the workplace. The idea is this will boost the economy as so many industries are suffering from remote work practices. And when I say so many, I basically mean Pret-a-Manger. As a teacher, you know, working from home was quite enlightening.

It gave you an insight to home lives. Not for me, for the students. They got to see my home life, you know, and that is healthy. Because until remote learning happened, I don't't think kids and even if you remember at school you don't really believe that your teacher exists outside the classroom today do you mean I remember being in the high street once and a kid come up to me just stunned she said hello miss I didn't know you had a coat Now this is true I also managed to get myself in trouble

whilst working from home no mean feat as my comedy career was sort of starting to build I had my TV debut I told a joke that warranted me getting called into the headmaster's office So the joke I told was as follows. I said, working from home is tough because you miss the fun and fulfilling aspects of work. Like...

I know. Slagging colleagues off to other colleagues. I lived by, if you ain't got anything nice to say, meet your lunchtime babes. It's an excellent joke until you're in the headmaster's office and he plays you the video, pauses it and then poses the question, would you agree that this constitutes bringing the school into disrepute? I said no. He said, what if I told you 52 parents had complained? I said, did they? He said, no. He said, what if I told you 52 parents had complained? I said, did they? He said, no. Anyway, my main reason for telling that story is because full-time stand-up comedian, now I can, not going to get pulled in the headmaster's office, am I? Bosh. There seems to be a lot of mean attitude that anyone reluctant to return to the office is lazy. Do you know what I mean? Along with face masks, compassion seems to be cast aside.

And the pandemic has taken its toll on everyone, emotionally, financially, whether you lived alone, house shares, or working parents. You know, that was tough. I think back to the early days of lockdown when everyone was stockpiling. No chance of stockpiling with three kids indoors.

No chance. Every other day I was going out for more Jack Daniels. We had to do what we had to do and people have had to make major adjustments and they're not ready to see our sort of change again. I mean the new normal and all that. Some things we are desperate to undo. People are now in whole street

WhatsApp groups and they don't know how to get out of them. Do you know what I mean? That's the long COVID people are not talking about now companies are arguing that the social aspect of office spaces is very important ceo of admiral car insurance argues that they need to be made more attractive to get us back in especially the ones comfortable working from home they want in the office experience to be fantastic yes exactly what i've been saying Slagging colleagues off to other

colleagues. That is the office experience. And that has to be better than freezing to death. Only question is, is it better than the comfort of your own toilet? I don't think so. Thank you very much. You want to smoke?

So, lots of media news this week. Ed Sheeran has won a High Court battle over whether he copied another artist's track for his song Shape Of You. It was an interesting case because copying other people's hits is frowned on in music, but in television, it is highly sought after. Yes, it really is.

I did not realise that the success of Great British Bake Off has spawned an entire genre of television just by itself. I had no idea there was so much cake-based programming that I'd never heard of. So here are some Bake Off knock-offs, the title and official description. And the question is, audience, which one of these have we made up? Is it one? last cake standing pits eight stars of the cake world against each other is it two crime scene kitchen

bakers must work out what dessert has been eaten from the remains left on the plate and then recreate the recipe is it three cake-a-likes? Challenges cake experts to create life-size cakes that are the spitting image of famed celebrities. Yep, Mr Kipling meets Madame Tussauds. So, which one did we make up? Well, it's a trick question. We didn't make any of them up.

They're all real. As is... Is it cake? The description of which reads, and I'm not joking... Mikey Day hosts a baking contest during which skilled cake artists create mouth-watering replicas of handbags, sewing machines and other objects. I swear, a lot of modern television makes...

Monkey tennis. ..look like a BAFTA nominee. Anyway, the point is that in television, I swear, a lot of modern television makes... Monkey tennis. ...look like a BAFTA nominee. Anyway, the point is that in television, if not in music, deliberately making something like something else is a good thing, which is presumably the thought behind this week's announcement of the privatisation of Channel 4, which is, according to the government... ..being held back from competing with Netflix or Amazon.

But why? They're completely different services. For a start, Netflix doesn't have any news, Being held back from competing with Netflix or Amazon. But why? They're completely different services. For a start, Netflix doesn't have any news, which is presumably why the government like it so much. True. Although it is successful, an estimated 17 million British households have a Netflix subscription and the other 10.4 million have found out their passwords. But what Channel 4 has is Britain's biggest free streaming service,

and you suspect it's that rather than the channel itself, which is the draw for buyers, because the moment the public service remit is gone, it no longer has to be free. But what do Channel 4's personalities make of it all? Kirsty Alsop described the idea that Channel 4 was being held back by public ownership as... Utter twaddle.

And far be it from us to comment on Kirsty's political leanings, but I will say that her cat gets confused if the litter tray isn't lined with a Daily Telegraph. So, if she's critical, the plan may be in trouble. She also suggested that rather than try and compete with Netflix... People can make their own streaming service out of old boxes, spare wool, pipe cleaners and tinsel. ..and asked whether he thought public ownership

was holding Channel 4 back, Jimmy Carr said... LAUGHTER ..and reminded that last year Nadine Dorries appeared in front of a Commons select committee and had to have it explained to her how Channel 4 was funded. He said... Meanwhile, Alan Carr said... I reckon you can tell that this government

was elected to get Brexit done. You know, they've got an 80-seat majority, two years till an election, and this is the only thing they can come up with to do. I mean, can't they do something a bit more fun? can come up with to do. I mean, can't they do something a bit more fun? Channel 4 just spent £50 million moving its headquarters to Leeds on government orders, but any new owner might not stay there. If HS2 and Channel 4 cancel on them within 12 months, it's possible that the people of the North might start to distrust London.

Something that has never happened before. There's a great debate going on in television and has been for some years about how it should be paid for and which is the best funding model. Essentially there are four. A licence fee which is used by the BBC. Advertising

used by ITV and Channel 4. Subscription used by Netflix and cable channels. And last, and probably the least common funding model, using the profits from your massive global parcel delivery service. Which is used by Amazon. And we don't know which is the best yet. All you can really say is that the licence fee is controversial, advertising is struggling, Netflix is over a billion dollars in debt,

and Amazon will be a difficult route for Channel 4 to follow. Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr. I've bought your parcel. But it's been broken and dumped behind the hedge. Yes, I'm known for my controversial delivery. Now, don't get me wrong, Channel 4 is not perfect. They use the same half-dozen panellists for every show they make, they have an enviable reputation for disguising down-market late-night smut as a valuable social experiment, and no other broadcaster is still showing episodes of The Simpsons

so old that President Clinton pops up in them. Is this episode still showing? I thought the tape had worn out. Of course, the great secret to understanding politicians' attitudes to broadcasting is to realise that when politicians talk about broadcasters, they mean news programmes. Yes, when they attack the BBC, they mean the Today programme and Newsnight.

When they attack Channel 4, they mean Dispatches and the Channel 4 News. And when they attack ITV or Sky, it means there's a blue moon and pigs have started flying. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! It's funny because they hate the concept of public service broadcasting. Yes, and like the Channel 4 ad says, complaints welcome. Thank you very much. APPLAUSE and like the Channel 4 ad says, complaints welcome. Thank you very much.

And now would you please welcome a Scottish comedian here to talk about a recent awards ceremony. Not that one. Please welcome Chris Thorburn. So the Grammy Awards were this Sunday and I was shocked to discover how few of the artists I actually recognized, which can mean only one thing. I am now officially an adult. People say you become an adult when you turn 18, and no, you don't. You're not an adult when you're 18. You are just a child with keys.

But I don't think there's a specific age to it. I just think you become an adult the very first time you're afraid of someone younger than you. Like, you know when that happens? Like, you know, it's dark, you're walking home, you turn a corner, and ahead of you is a group of teenagers. You think, youths. Unsupervised youths.

I could die tonight. The thing that struck me the most about the Grammys was how many of these artists were doing these sort of retro throwbacks to music from the past. You had musicians like Bruno Mars and St. Vincent doing these albums that they won awards for where they dressed up and pretended it was the 70s. But then you had Olivia Rodrigo, who won three awards,

is doing the same, but with the early 2000s. Now, I'd never heard Olivia Rodrigo before. She's a former Disney star, so this is the same factory that gave us such cultural icons as Justin Timberlake or Miley Cyrus or Pumbaa. Like the music that she's making is the sort of emo pop punk that I grew up with, but now it's retro and that's terrifying to me. Like 20 years have passed and now it's back in the nostalgia cycle. Like everything from my youth is back now. Like Jackass, Tony Hawk Pro Skater,

like Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man. I have acne again somehow. Olivia Rodrigo is essentially the new Avril Lavigne. And if my sources are correct, Avril Lavigne was the new Kim Wilde. And Kim Wilde was the new Kate Bush. And Kate Bush was the new Mozart. I was a big fan of Avril Lavigne growing up. Skater Boy is, to this day, my go-to karaoke song.

It's a great song. It's a song with a strange message, I'll give you that. Because the basic message of Skater Boy is, oh no, you should absolutely sleep with that guy. What if he winds up famous? absolutely sleep with that guy. What if he winds up famous? I didn't realize how much I missed karaoke until one night. I was walking home post-lockdown. I walked past a pub and inside was a middle-aged woman singing Alana Miles' Black Velvet, because it's always a middle-aged woman singing Black Velvet. I don't like making mass generalizations. That one's just a fact. This year's Grammys were not afraid to go political. During the ceremony, President of Ukraine, Vladimir Zelensky, appeared via video to deliver an impassioned speech to the attendees. I like Vladimir Zelensky,

but as a stand-up comedian, I feel threatened by him. He played the president of Ukraine in a sitcom, and then he went on to become the president of Ukraine in real life. That's mad. All right, to put that into perspective, imagine if Peter Kay did Phoenix Knights and then became president of Ukraine. But he's redefined what bravery in comedy looks like. Like, in comedy, audience members will often tell you, no, I couldn't do what you do. You're very brave. And we're not. None of us are. The bar's too high now. Like, used to be, like, the bar for a comedian was

just don't be a predator, and even that was negotiable. On that note, disgraced comedian Louis C.K. won the Grammy for Best Comedy Album less than five years after admitting to several accounts of sexual misconduct. Now, this brings up that old debate around problematic artists, the idea that you should separate the art from the artist, which is mad. You don't get that in any other line of work. No one's like, oh yeah, what he did was terrible,

but also no one at Subway can make an Italian BMT quite like him. At the end of the day, you need to separate the sandwich art from the sandwich artist. Controversial rapper Kanye West won two awards for songs off of Donda, an album largely about his late mother and his born-again Christianity. Now the song Jail, which won Best Rap Song, features alleged abuser Marilyn Manson. And while this is terrible, we can find some solace that even if he hasn't faced any real repercussions, it is objectively funny that the self-proclaimed Antichrist superstar can only book work on a born-again Christian music album. Picture for yourself an aging goth getting woken up at three in the morning by manic texts from Kanye West. Hey,

have you heard the good news about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? Ultimately, it's clear that the Grammys have got a long way to go in figuring out what real accountability looks like I've got my own things to figure out like clearly I'm now too old for pop music but if I play my cards right hopefully a few years down the line every karaoke bar will have its own middle-aged man who sings skater boy every single week I do hope you enjoyed this but if didn't, at least the separation of the art and the artist works both ways. Like, sure, my art is terrible, but you can still enjoy me as a person. Thank you very much. Chris Sorban there.

Now, you may have seen this week that the University of Oxford published the results of a survey in which they asked people to rank a range of odours, including vanilla, peaches, rotting fish and sweaty feet, in order to discover the world's favourite smell. So we've asked our audience here what are their favourite and least favourite smells and whether they have any particular memories for them.

I love the smell of the ocean, which is why I'm happy about rising sea levels. My favourite smell is a new book and my least favourite smell is the breath of the security guard when he asks me what I've stashed under my jumper. Somebody has just written

Ah, smelling things is so February 2020. So, yes, thank you for smelling those sub-Pruistian memories with us. And that almost brings us to the end of this week's show. Yeah, but would you now please welcome a musical duo with a song about bees. Seems harmless. There's probably a sting in the tail.

It's Tim Sutton and Suze Kempner. This is the sound of Suze and me rifling through the papers in an attempt to find any good news this week. Hold on, Tim. More than 500 beehives could be installed in Hampshire and Dorset gardens to boost decimated bee populations. Good news! Take it away! Everybody loves bees. Come on, baby, who doesn't? Whether they sleep or ride the breeze, whether they buzz or buzzant.

When you hear such good news, who could ever be bitter? Fire up your phone and tell me, Suze, what's the latest on Twitter? The government's Home for Hummers scheme has been branded a shambles after 27 million bees left stranded on the Polish border. Millions of bees are waiting for a visa. Good news, good news, good news, good news Acclaimed author Andrei Kirkov Talks movingly about the wisdom of bees And the ancient and hallowed history of honey production

In the Ukraine Good news Everybody loves bees Everybody loves honey Full of flavour and good with cheese That's honey, not bees And full of fun when it's sunny That's bees, not honey

When you hear such good news Who could cavil or grumble Get on the net and tell me, Suze What's the latest on Bumble? Actually, that's none of your business, Tim. All right, give it here. Fines issued after Queen Bee and drones get lashed on royal jelly while nation of faithful worker bees

are left to sweep their own dead off the windowsill. I used to quite like bees. If you were a bee, I'd high-five you. But now I find myself ill at ease I used to quite like bees. If you were a bee, I'd high-five you. But now I find myself ill at ease with their sick and selfish bee-hive-ia. When you hear such bad crack, nothing left but the blue. So I'm going to find me an almanac and get me some of that old-time good news. Goodbye from the Bad News Blues! from Sue Chandrika Chakrabarti,

Tesha Danraj, Dan Hooper and Cameron Loxdale. The song was written by Tim Sutton and performed by Tim Sutton and Suze Kempner. The producer was Rajiv Kharia and it was a BBC Studios production.