Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The People Have Spoken Ep1. Andy Cool'em Down'em

Episode Date: August 21, 2026

It's time for the people to speak. Taking on the headlines, Ian Smith is joined by Maisie Adam and Alasdair-Beckett King to work out what is going on, and together with our audience, solve the biggest problem facing the world right now.Is Gianni Infantino just misunderstood? What kind of novelty candidate would you inhabit to capture the nation's imagination? and what small inconvenience should Andy Burnham fix next?Written by Ian Smith, Cameron Loxdale, Angela Channel and Alex Kealy Production coordinator: Asha Osborne-Grinter Recorded by David and Luca Thomas Edited by David Thomas Exec Producer: Pete StraussProduced by Gwyn Rhys Davies. A BBC Studios Production

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. Get more with BBC podcasts, wherever you listen. Be the first to listen to your favourite shows, like evil genius, good, bad billionaire, and You're Dead to Me, with a subscription to BBC Podcasts premium on Apple Podcasts. You can also enjoy a range of our podcasts ad-free with an Amazon music subscription. Hello, I'm Ian Smith. The year is 2026, and I regret to inform you that the people have have had enough. The world is on fire and there's a hosepipe ban which is really scuppering the fire brigade. The people in charge haven't got a clue. The politicians

are out of touch, the rich keep getting richer and with Andrew Tate facing a prison sentence the young men in this country have no one to look up to. But the people have answers. I've assembled a crack team of audience members, a people's parliament packed with real-life wisdom. We're gonna go through the week's news and figure it out for ourselves and we're raring to go. I said we're raring to go! Welcome to... This week we've had more news than ever.

Full to the brim with unanswered questions like, where did the sun go? And why has it come back? And who out of Benjamin Netanyahu and recently captured alleged Irish mob boss Daniel Kinnahann is going to win the next FIFA Peace Prize? I'm going to meet some of our audience

and see who we've got here we've got some real quality this guy's got glasses yeah that's the level of intellect we're dealing with here there's not a problem we can't solve together as a group so for example random problem

I think there's too many satellites in space and they're clogging up space how could we solve that sir I'm a bloody idea satellites that eat other satellites and there'll be people at home thinking what is that and how does it work and those people have no imagination.

Another problem, how do we solve the situation in the Strait of Hormuz? With great difficulty over a long period of time. Yeah, yeah. Genuinely, we put that in because we were expecting someone to flounder

and then we had a follow-up joke, but Ears nailed it immediately. Now, we can't officially declare this mob to be an angry one without some instigators to fan the flames. So please welcome my people's champions, Macy Adam and Alistair Beckett King. Three Northerners on the radio at once.

It's like number 10 north. If it was in London there. Macy Alistair, thanks for joining us. What do you think makes you qualified to solve all of the world's problems? Oh, I think we're both quite optimistic. I think we've got a good outlook. Like your suggestion there,

just maybe satellites that can eat other satellites. I like the optimism that you think we could create it. I'm up for that. I'm a middle-class white man, so I don't really know anything about the subject matter, but I feel pretty confident I've got a handle on it. And speaking of qualifications,

this is the week that many people have received their A-level results. And if you're worried, because you didn't get the results in grades that you wanted, look at me. I got four A's, and I've got my own radio show. You should have worked harder. Okay, so we have our mob mentality-fueled spokespeople.

Now let's face the news. Dust. Wheelies, caddies, recycling, hand sensor operated, waste paper, pedal, your boy took one hell of a beat in last night. Nigel Farage bested the bin and has been predictably re-elected as MP for Clacton in a nail-biting competition to decide which of the 34 candidates has dealt with their divorce the worst. Despite major political party boycotts

a whopping 34 candidates stood in total, a record for any parliamentary contest, the results announcement looked like a picture that would accompany the worst, feel old, this is what blazing squad looks like now. Guys, do you have any favourite candidates out of the 34 candidates? Wasn't there three from the Monster Raving Looney Party? Three. Yeah. That's just tactically stupid because that'll split the vote.

And you can't get through to the Monster Raving Looney Party with that kind of logic as well. They just won't listen. I love the independence though, because if you're going to be an independent candidate, what you have to do is have a sensible policy immediately followed by a completely nuts policy. It's always things like tackle climate change, deport grey squirrels.

It's got to go that quickly. You know, fix potholes, bring back hanging in schools. You've got to do a handbrake turn. This is really dumb of me, but when you said deport grey squirrels, I thought you were saying, deport grey squirrels. And I thought it was one woman. We've got to get rid of grace quirals.

I'll give you a little rundown of some of the candidates you might not have heard of. There's Joseph 77, real name Tom Dreewood, who has said he will campaign around Clacton in song and verse. There's Nick the Incredible Flying Brick from the Monster Raven Looney Party. Amy Morris, an independent candidate who is standing to protest against inheritance tax, which she calls draconian and unfair. She's 22 from Essex, and I imagine has one or two very ill parents. But the saddest fact, and I'm sure you will resonate with this, Maisie,

but only five of the 34 candidates are women. Why aren't women represented in novelty democracy? Where's Countess BinFace? Is there a Nigella Farage? But with all these joke candidates, the big thing that I want to ask you guys is, what would your single issue slash joke candidate be in this election? What would your persona be?

I've just come up with a name for a candidate. It's a strong start. We can brainstorm it from there. I thought it on the way here, and I laughed so much at my own joke. I didn't get further than... It's... I would be called polytickle.

Yeah, she's the most political person there, because her name is polytickle. Maybe all her interviews, she's being tickled. As I said at the start, we need more... The world is full of bad news at the moment. Wouldn't it just be nice? And sometimes when you watch these, like, programs, you know the ones on Sunday mornings.

These politicians, they answer it in the same way, almost like the same way that footballers do after a game. They're so media trained. You might as well have people sat with Laura Coonsberg going, yeah, difficult game, but we'll take the point and we go again. It's just so, maybe it would be nice to just have a woman being tickled live on air trying to describe what she would do to tackle climate change. So you want Laura Coonsberg to be sat opposite, polytickle,

saying, and what about the risk of serious sex offenders being, released from prison early. This is why it's good to workshop it. I mean, I'm already ready to step down from the race and throw my weight behind Polly Tickle, obviously. A clear winner. Now we're going to, a bit like a political hustings. Does anyone in the audience have a question for Polly Tickle?

What a sentence. We've got a hand up at the back. If Polly Tickle were to not get elected herself, would you see there being something to gain from tickling already sitting politicians? Oh yeah, great question Oh, I don't think Rainer would crack I think you could go

Ribs under the feet, nothing, nothing Most ticklish politician I reckon I reckon it's someone who gives it the bigam Oh, that horrible one, sorry Do we have to be neutral because it's BBC? You say horrible, then I'll compliment them immediately after Really?

Yeah, yeah. Richard Tice. Richard Tice, I call him Richard Nice. Farage said this was him against the establishment, but rival parties, including Labour, the Conservatives, Lib Dem, Greens and Restore Britain, all decided not to run, making it Farage against their bin.

It's moving that the major parties have managed to turn doing nothing into a radical act of electoral solidarity. So the Clacton by-election is over. So we asked the audience, what's the most pathetic thing you've done for a time? I've got one here. We have this from Julian and he said he vomited to get to the front of a queue.

Was that tonight? Like you deliberately vomited? Well yeah, it was a very long queue. Julian we don't need to ask any more questions. You've explained yourself. Maisie, what have you got from the audience? When I was 11, I tried to convince my schoolmates that my older brother was in a band by playing cassettes of Beatles' song.

Who's that? Joe T. Hi, Joe T. Did they fall for it, Joe? They did initially. Really? Yeah, absolutely. I thought for no apparent reason

that no one knew who these people were. And then, sadly, at school, played the cassette, had to get a teacher to get the cassette player. He started to sing along and just went, oh, yeah, it's a Beatles. Oh. Which one of the Beatles were you pretending your brother was?

All of them. Yeah. Americans have got really good voices, aren't they? Yeah. The energy brought to that. No disrespect to everyone else on the microphone, but I nearly fell asleep whenever you spoke. Seen as though nobody asked me,

my protest character would be Count Face Bin, where instead of drawing a face on a bin, I've tattooed a bin to my face. Or what about Northern Rock? a combination of my heritage and my love for Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Please don't think of the failed bank. It really annoys me when people hear that name

and they just think of the bank when I say Northern Rock. My third character, Natalie West. Don't think of the bank, don't be thinking of the bank. It annoys me when people think of the bank right here. Or the aristocrat, Harold Saxton, Billington, Cromwell. Or for short, HSB... Get more with BBC Podcasts.

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So there's a new man in charge. He's northern, he's more charismatic than usual, but there's still an overriding concern he might not know what he's doing. But enough about me. Andy Burnham is the new Prime Minister. This week, set off on his listening to her,

a name that implies every other PM was doing an unlistening finger in your ears saying la la la la la to him. He's using it to unveil a series of small policies to give people breathing room, including restrictions on misleading subscriptions and cracking down on betting and vap shops. He's targeting everyday fixes

and since when has a Norvner promising to fix it ever been a concern? What have your first impressions of Andy Burnham vane? I think the south of England got a bit too over-excited about a North When he was coming down on the train, they were like, he's coming down! They're like, oh, it's like Game of Thrones.

It's like, it is like Game of Thrones. I wish you would shut up about it. I don't know why you're this excited. It's early days, isn't it, with Andy Burnham? It's, it doesn't strike me as like your classic politician. He strikes me as a very competent head of year. That's his vibe, I would say. He's got the vibe of like the head of year

that you'd get sent to and he'd sit you in his office and say come on, Mays, this isn't you. You know. I heard someone on a train say, Andy Burnham, he's just the complete opposite of an MP. I was like, well, yeah, he's a PM.

I think the idea of the listening tour is good. I think more people should do that. Like, I would pay to see Ed Sheeran leave the guitar at home and just shut up. He has to listen to your feedback. Yeah, yeah.

Now, this is, hey, the ginger beard doesn't work for everyone. He's sort of, these first set of policies, like he's trying to tackle things that can improve people's lives immediately, but they're quite small things. You know, I want to get rid of vape shops, I want to make it easier to cancel a subscription. But do you think this is just superficial stuff that won't make a difference? Do you want to see him tackle him bigger stuff?

Maybe he's starting with the small stuff to take a bit of a warm-up to it. You know, he doesn't want to pull something. Yeah. See, you think he's stretching? Yeah. You know, I think, well, I think if we're going to use that analogy, I think Liz Truss, she went out sprinting, didn't she? She didn't warm up?

Yeah, she sort of did total wipeout, but she just went straight for those big balls. Yeah, totally. One thing he's aiming to do is to judge up Britain's high streets, a place that even W.H. Smith has found inhospitable. Andy Burnham's plans would mean fewer households. High Street betting shops. I think this is great for society. In fact, I've started to sweepstakes

as to which one of my local betting shops will close first. What are your high streets like at the minute? Do you think they need zhuzing? Crap. Oh, wow. I like that. I like that. Where's your crap high street? Can we get a microphone to this? No disrespect. Angry woman. She's over there. The fumes coming off her head.

Like a petrol station. No, she's just vaping. I said they're crap because most of the high streets are all closed. There's only sort of betting shops, as you say. And there's pound shops. And then places that will fix your phone screen for like £10. And then. And vape shops, that's all you get down.

Where's your high street? Chatham. Oh. I mean, oh, lovely. And what would you like to see on the high street? What do you miss from like the good old days of the high street? Warwick. The other pick and mix

The dusty pick and mix And the broken biscuits Dusty pick and mix would be a great drag name Who wants to see my jazzies So when we're talking here About small inconveniences That Andy Burnham is trying to fix

What we really want to know Is what small inconvenience Would you like to fix On a sort of governmental level I don't like things that are redundant I don't like pointless questions Like, I was... You sort of yourself down here.

You got on pretty hard, though, that's trying to do a radio show. I was trying to watch a European art house film on the internet. Of course you were. I was on the BFI player trying to watch a Dario Argento film, and I logged in and I pressed play. And before it played, it said, are you over 18? Like, no, I'm a 10-year-old with a subscription to the BFI play.

Of course Just take it for granted That I'm over 18 Yeah No that's fair That's fair It's go Mom they don't have Toy Story 3

On the BFI player And Masey do you have a big gripe That you'd like sort of It's not a big gripe It's very general I'd quite like Hear me out here I'd quite like to scrap names

Just all names I've got I'm not great with names I don't remember names that well. I had it the other day. My husband said, oh, the man from Hillary's is coming to do the blinds. And I thought the man was called Hillary.

So he came out, he was measuring all the windows. And I kept saying, oh, thanks, Hillary. Do you want a cup of tea, Hillary? Like, all of this. And then Mike had to take me into another room and go, his name isn't Hillary's. He's from Hillary's. I had a go at Mike being like,

why didn't you tell me? What is his name? Mike was like, I can't remember if it's Darren or Darren. and the man went, are you talking about what my name is? Oh no. We came out and we were like, we just looked like we'd been caught,

so we were like, we know it's Darren or Darrell, and he went, it's Steve. It sounds like you don't want to get rid of names so much as get rid of that man's name. Yeah, I'm sorry, Steve, if that was his name. Some very strong suggestions there from, uh, um, um,

I want to say Alex and Mary. But we have some suggestions from the audience. Richard has put, I'd like to stop line bikes flopping over in a light breeze by assigning each flock of line bikes a bike shepherd. It's a great idea, Richard. I'm already on board with this one. Introduce fast walking lanes on pavements.

So people who actually want to go somewhere Don't have to deal with all the talk. This person's writing is getting angrier as they go. Who are we looking for? I know you'll hate this, Maisie, but what's their name? Sebastian Broca. Sebastian, where are you? Hi there.

Sebastian, would you consider yourself a fast walker? Very much so, yeah. So this would be like a swimming lane system. And what location do you find it most annoying when people are slowing? Everywhere, but the tube or Oxford Street. Yeah. The tube. And if you're listening from the north,

The tube, oh my God, it's like a train, but you've got to go underneath. I don't know how to explain it. It's underground, but imagine this. It's not a mine. We can make these jokes. We're one of them. I've got one from Rose here,

which is I would stop job applications making you write cover letters. And I'm going to put a bit of acting into this for the next sentence. Why are you making me beg? It's humiliating. What's the acting choices being made? I think I was trying to express dignity.

Okay. Rose, where are you? What was the last job you applied for? I'm interviewing tomorrow for the same job I have, but better. Oh. And a lot of people would have said promotion. But Rose... Rose has got a new way of coming up.

She thinks outside the box. Oh, this will come up in your interview. What's your worst quality? Oh yeah, good one. I think my worst quality is I look quite young, so I tend to get ignored, and I have to sort of reassert myself, which is a bit awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved.

And Rose, do you have any questions for us? Well, that was a lovely suggestion from Lickle Rose. Thank you. So, we've decided the key minor gripe that Andy Burnham has to tackle next is that we must stop the slow walking, Scum. But look, if it was up to me, we all hate rail replacement buses. So what I would do is get rid of rail replacement buses and replace them with a rail replacement bus replacement tray. Now, the people in charge love to tell us that everything's terrible. But we the people have hearts, minds and access to cosmetic surgery to turn those newsreaders' frowns upside down. Our people's champions are taking on the mantle of the world's noblest profession, spin doctor.

us the silver linings of these stories. So, Maisie, you're a football fan. So you'll know a man who needs a bit of spin at this moment is Gianni Infantino. Well, you say that. Infantino is off the pitch and on the ropes after a series of countless scandals. But, Maisie, can you tell us why Infantino

is actually the best man for the job? Why is Infantino good for the sport of football and why should he remain the head of FIFA? Oh, great question. Listen, Gianni Infantino, do you know about Gianni Infantino, Anastor? I don't want to lose my reputation as an every man. But this is the first, it sounds like Italian for Giant Baby. That's all I have.

About Gianni Infantino. I've never heard of the man before. Okay, so Gianni Infantino is the head of FIFA. And FIFA? Oh, God. First of all, I would say he should stay because we need real leaders in this time and football is all about good results and bad results

and you stick through thick and thin I know that as a Leeds United fan myself you've got to stick through the hard times it's boring if you're always just celebrating the wins so I would say, you know, Gianni at the moment is experiencing a sort of Leeds United early naughties period of dubious fight financial goings on and not hugely popular with the fan base.

But I do think it's important that we have more diversity in football and Gianni Infantino is Swiss. So that's good. And, you know, as the band Yazoo said in the 1980s, the only way is up. It's not Yazoo, Maisie, it's Yaz. You've added an ooh. Yazoo is only you. Only you?

How mad we've all got different members? The people are rebellious. Hey guys, come on, let's not fight. All of the things we've discussed on this political spectrum, the thing that we're really falling out over is Yazoo-Yaz-Yazoo. Yeah, I really agree with that, because you're basically saying, Infantino represents what being a football fan is.

That you can't just win all the time. You can't be a glory hunt, right? No, you've got to strive for something. You're seeking promotion. Like you tomorrow, Rose. You're seeking promotion. And Gianni Infantino is showcasing that for everybody by putting the bar on the floor.

Well, I think that was a very good argument about Infantino. And I feel convinced by that argument. I feel convinced. I feel Arab. I feel gay. I feel like a migrant worker. I feel like if you don't know speech I'm referencing right now, this is going to feel like I'm having a mental break.

Alistair was very much looking at you and then looking at me being like, should we intervene? Well, to paraphrase Nellie, it's getting hot in here, so let's discuss the wider implications for the country. It is getting so hot. I'm going to discuss the wider implications for the country. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. It's my karaoke song. We're set for the hottest summer on record. Two-thirds of the country is in drought, which begs the question,

what's the other third up to? Come on! It's summer, get the host pipes out. I don't know about you guys, and maybe I'm showing my age here, but I remember when the grass used to be green. The next generation of kids are going to be growing up with the phrase, the grass is always a more vibrant piss yellow on the other side.

The heat is baffling. If only there was some kind of scientific explanation to this increased temperatures. Imagine being in a country run by a man called Burnham during a heat wave. We need bloody Andy cool them downen. So my question for our panel is what are your top tips for staying cool in a heat wave

that can be implemented on a governmental level? Well, I've just been living with my parents for the last six months before we move house and my dad is one of those people who says on a hot day what you should do is have a hot cup of tea. Because, and I quote, it cools you down. He says this every time,

and I don't mean to disrespect to the audience, but I can tell by some of your reactions, you agree with him. Can't work. Your dad, tuning into the radio. Our maze is on the radio. Let's see what she's got to say. My dad's thick, and here's the impression I'm doing of him.

Come on, drink, really? Alist, do you have any... Yeah, my dad says that as well. Oh, really? Yeah, my dad... And he'll say it from a face that is so sunburne, It glows in the dark. This man doesn't know anything about how to deal with summer.

When you're camping with him, you can read by the light of his face. It's like a grown-up version of the tell he tubby's son. We've got this from David. What's the weirdest tip for staying cool or saving water in the heat wave? And David has said, watch Christmas films. And really just sort of get yourself into the Christmas spirit. Joel has said, to save water, drink someone else's. I guess we've decided that the solution to the heat wave

is to have a permanent ban on hot drinks. Personally, I'm going to keep my wave cooling down a secret. One, because it involves a trip to A&E where a doctor pulls a magnum out of my ass by the stick. And two, because it simply doesn't work. It's just something I like. Oh, the claxon means. That is all we've got time for.

We've got 30 seconds to get through the remaining stories. Scientists have invented a supposedly fully biodegradable party balloon. you bring? Brilliant. Brilliant. It's brilliant. The economy is expanded by 0.4% in line with market expectations, but below a 0.6% increase in the first three months of this year. How does that sound? Give us a 0.5.

Yeah, that's a 0.5. Rachel Reeves, if you're listening, pull your finger out, you caboose. It's not Rachel Reeves anymore. Thank you, thank you. Hang on. Rachel Reeves, get your job back. Well guys, no matter what happens, we all know we've got a new leader

that we can all trust. Polytickle. There will be more news to sort out next week, but until then, The People Have Spoken. Good night. The People Have Spoken is hosted by Ian Smith and featured Alistair Beckett King,

Maisie Adam and The People. The script is written by Ian Smith, Angela Chennell, Tamara and Locksdale and Alex Keeling. The producer is Grinery, David's and it's a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. So Alice Lockstone, I'm here for the history. Well, Ben Henderson, I like the formality.

And that's perfect because we have a lot of history to share. Why did tea become such a British obsession? How did English turn into the language we speak today? And yes, why do women's clothes still not have pockets? Well, in our new podcast, Here for the History, we're investigating how stories from the past shape everyday life today. Basically, the things we've all noticed but never stopped to question.

Listen on BBC Sounds. Or watch on YouTube. Just search for Here for the History. Get more with BBC podcasts, wherever you listen. Be the first to listen to your favourite shows, like Evil Genius, Good, Bad Billionaire, and You're Dead to Me, with a subscription to BBC Podcasts Premium on Apple Podcasts. You can also enjoy a range of our podcasts ad-free with an Amazon music subscription.

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