Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The People Have Spoken Ep3. British Maple Syrup

Episode Date: September 4, 2026

It's time for the people to speak. Taking on the headlines, Ian Smith is joined by Cody Dahler and Ayoade Bamgboye, and together with the audience, they solve the biggest problems facing the world right now.What party trick would you use to bring about world peace? How can we make Trump and Carney bury the hatchet? And can you do a Kermit impression?Written by Ian Smith, Angela Channell, Mike Shephard and Ruth Husko Production Coordinator: Asha Osborne-Grinter and Giulia Mazzu Sound Editing: David Thomas Executive Producer: Richard Morris Recorded at the Backyard Comedy ClubProduced by Gwyn Rhys Davies. A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. Get more with BBC podcasts, wherever you listen. Be the first to listen to your favourite shows, like evil genius, good, bad billionaire, and You're Dead to Me, with a subscription to BBC Podcasts Premium on Apple Podcasts. You can also enjoy a range of our podcasts ad-free with an Amazon music subscription. Hello, I'm Ian Smith. We're deep in the backside of the summer's news,

and the people have had enough of what we're seeing down there. It's been a sad week, guys. Dolly Parton has gone, we lost Tim Curry, and worst of all, they're bringing back Top Gear. When will this torment ever end? This week has thrown more stories our way than ever before. The Russians are threatening us, energy bills are on the rise, and in the most sure-fire sign of the end of days,

even Canadians are angry. The people in charge don't know how to answer the big question, Is the blood moon just the eclipse for goffs? Why does West Streeting always look like it needs a hug? And as Rupert Grint returns to the role of Ron Weasley and the Harry Potter play, we ask, when have you ever gone back to an ex, despite your best wizard friends telling you not to? I've put together a crack squad of audience members, a SWAT team of SWATs, bursting with lived experience. And together, we're going to repel these problems with the same enthusiasm as an England cricketer and a Derby Night Club.

We're going down, swinging. Welcome to Come and meet some of our audience We're going to solve the world's problems together For example, libraries are getting closed down Because they're boring How do we make libraries more fun? Would you like to answer? Get better books

Get better books What's your favourite book? I don't have one I don't know if we chose the correct expert for the job there So we've got our mob And they are positively frothing for some new stories to solve, but who's going to funnel that froth in the right direction?

Please welcome my people's champions, Cody Darla and Ayurdi Bamboy! Thank you. Thank you very much for joining us. Do you feel confident that you can be the solution shepherd to our problem sheep? Absolutely.

I feel very confident. Yeah. I'm ready to bar. What are you taking on the role of? The problem sheep? Oh, yeah. Yes. Oh, maybe I'm not ready, no.

Yes. That's falling apart quicker than I've ever seen before. Why do you still seem pretty confident? I think that I'm a very good shepherd. You can be safe with me. Yeah, I mean, we've really got two sides of the coin now. Are you happy with our shepherds as an audience?

Yes. Okay, then let's go. This week, Specky Busnerd, Andy Burnham, travelled to the active war zone of Keith to mark Ukraine's Independence Day for his first overseas visit as Prime Minister. Fair play to Burnham. If I was PM,

I'd just be going on nice holidays and disguising it as diplomacy, desperately stressing the important economic ties to St Lucia. And securing an important trade deal with the Amalfi Coast. Burnham travelled with the President of the European Council,

Antonio Costa, who has clearly done very well for himself since leaving the boy band Blue. The government has agreed to hand over blueprints, not you, Anthony, for British made components for the scalp missile. allowing Ukraine to produce a weapon domestically.

That's a bit like Ukraine saying they desperately need some lasagna and us sending them a Jamie Oliver cookbook. But you know the old saying, give a man a bomb and he'll bomb for a day. But teach a man to bomb and he'll bomb for a lifetime. This week we also learnt that political parties are very similar to house parties

in the sense that they're pretty much over when a man brings out a guitar. That's right. Andy Burnham serenaded the Ukrainian troops with Rush Home Ruffians A Smith's song about a knife fight at Manchester Fairground. Oh, happy independence day, Ukraine. Christ, it's hardly aga-do, is it, brother? Guys, what did you think of Andy Burnham's trip to Ukraine?

I can't imagine anything more trite and irritating than him bringing a guitar out. Why would he do that? I don't want my elected officials to do party tricks. I find it so stressful to watch. Well, don't worry about that, because none of us elected him. Too-shaise. I mean, I think handing over the blueprints of a missile

feels like a big deal, like a secret kind of recipe. But I just don't know how big a deal it is into because I don't know where it stands on like the secret recipe scale. Like is it above or below KFC's 11 herbs and spices? If it's above, then I think that's a big deal. Because that's the ultimate secret, I think. It's below. It's below, isn't it?

Yeah. It's 11 herbs and spices. and then the scalp missile. Then the scout missile, yes. With 11 herbs and spices, for decades that has been patented. Like, it's locked in a vault. And I think if you try to break into that vault,

you would be shot in the head. With a scalp missile. By the colonel himself. Have you guys ever been serenaded? Oh, God, I've not got a good story about this. At all. I had engaged in Coitus. And after,

After we concluded the session, he grabbed a harmonica from his bedside table. Oh, wow. And he began to play. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. And till days, I can't tell you what he was attempting to play. I just had to let him finish again. I wasn't expecting harmonica.

I wasn't either. And then in lies the issue. So, Burnham has been... You made the decision for me. Cody's never been serenaded. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said, have you, please? Tell us.

Not really. Me and like an 18-year-old woman once accidentally serenaded each other. Oh. We'd gone out for New Year's Eve and they were playing Abba. And you know the song, S-OS, in Mammaeer the film,

Meryl Streep. sings, when you're gone. And because Pierce Brosnan can't sing, they just made his only role in the song was, When you're gone! I started doing that with an 80-year-old woman, and we've been together ever since. It's quite menacing to sing

When You're Gone to an 80-year-old. Time and play. So, Burnham's been strumming his axe, not a euphemism. He's been fingering his fretboard. Again, not a euphemism. He's been putting. a capo on his neck and picking it with his

plexum. And I do have that down as a euphemism, actually. And we wanted to get from you guys the audience, if you've got a party piece or hidden talent that might be able to bring world peace. Are you idea, what have you got from the audience? So I've got Tommy, and Tommy's hidden

talent slash party piece can do a decent impression of Kermit the Frog. Here we go. We're going to get sued by the Muppets. Hey, Miss Piggy, you look sexy tonight. Yep.

That's got to be a different Tommy. Surely. It's definitely a different kermit. No, um... How do you feel about that, Iwady? You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. I don't want him to come away from this recording going, maybe that isn't the impression I thought it was.

I dare say it's been the best impression of Kermit the Frog we've heard all of this evening. Well down Tommy. Cody, what do you have? So this is Liz Davis. Her special skill is doing an impression of a seal. The bar has been set. So imagine that I'm actually on on fours, which I can't do.

I'm not speaking very much. but some of us were doing that already. Does I go? That's very good. If David Attenborough's got the radio on, he's going to be like, huh, what? Okay, so the people have spoken

and we're going to send Liz's seal to stop Vladimir Putin. Well, thank you to the people. We have solved it. Get more with BBC podcasts. Wherever you listen. Be the first to listen to your face. favorite shows, like evil genius, good, bad billionaire, and You're Dead to Me, with a subscription

to BBC Podcasts Premium on Apple Podcasts. You can also enjoy a range of our podcasts ad-free with an Amazon music subscription. After over a year of escalating trade wars between the US and Canada, new heights of Swappy Stropi were reached this week as negotiations broke down and extra tariffs were announced by both countries. That's right, it's Niagara Falls versus Viagra fails. Canada has announced it will impose tariffs on American industries, including dairy, cosmetics and outdoor equipment, which sounds like quite a random set of industries to care about, but somewhere out there,

there's a guy eating a baby bell and applying lipstick while sitting on a hammock thinking, damn, that's everything I love. The Canadian finance minister is called, and I'm not joking when I tell you this, Francois Philippe Champagne. That's his name. He's clearly just three posh kids in a raincoat

trying to come up with an adult's name. Anyway, he's been arguing back and forth with the American finance minister, handgun dollar sign McNuggett. Guys, are you sort of fed up with tariffs now? I would be fed up with it if I knew what they were. I actually studied politics and economics, and I think I need to get my money back.

Well, actually, it sounds like you could get a job in Trump's team. based on that fact. Yeah. I think everyone who's in charge of the American economy right now also did an economics degree and has no idea what a tariff is. Because it's the extra bit, right? The tariff is the extra bit. Coe, do you do very informative videos online.

What's going on? What are they? Oh, God. So if I've got this right, a tariff is... So Donald Trump puts a tariff on something and there's an American company that buys something from abroad and if he's put a 20% tariff on that thing the American company will pay 20% more in order to import it.

So it's actually, when Trump puts a tariff on something, it's American companies that are suffering. So I was right. That's what you meant by, it's the little bit. Okay, yeah, I guess it's the extra bit. Yeah. He should not be doing that. Is there anyone in the crowd by way of cheer who likes tariffs?

Can we get a microphone to this man? That's your name, sir? My name's Gavin. I've never heard someone pronounce Gavin that way. What do you like about tariffs? Well, I think it gives security because then they would have to make their own stuff instead of relying on other countries.

Oh, you think we should make our own? Our own maple syrup. Have you ever had British maple syrup? Not yet. That's giving me an idea. I mean, if I saw in a shot, Gavans maple syrup, oh la la, well, the people have spoken,

tariffs are good. That's the opinion of the audience. With Donald Trump and Mark Carney refusing to return to the negotiating, table and making hostile comments in the press, it's the Godzilla versus Kong of men who will do anything but go to therapy. This is why men need to learn to socialise properly.

We're in a male loneliness epidemic. They could be talking about their feelings while the wives are chatting on the patio, but instead they're panicking and expressing themselves through economic sanctions. We've all done it, boys. It's another stark reminder of the men's mental health crisis. It's like adolescents if Stephen Graham was dragged out in the night

to discover his sons, been putting tariffs, on ornamental fish. What have you done, lad? Tell me. Trump and Carney need to find an end to this deadlock. So we asked our audience, how do you get back into someone's good books or end an argument?

Cody, what do you have written down on yours? This is from Angelica. So it says, being sweet and cute and innocent, angel eyes, I make them feel sorry for messing with me. Oh, a bit of psychological warfare. That took a turn.

So how do you manage the transition between being sweet and cute and innocent and then making someone feel sorry for messing with you ever? It's that little look that I give them. The fluttering of the eyes. Okay. I do it all the time. See?

I get lash extensions just so that I can do more of that. Is there a sort of phrase or, you know, You know, when you're being sweet and innocent, is there something you would say to someone? Excuse me. Full stop. That's stopping me dead in my tracks. I felt like I'd done something bad.

Yeah. Well, no, I apologise. Okay, well, I'm going to go as far as say that the people have spoken, and the best way to get Mark Carney and Trump to open-mouth kiss is that both of them, at the same time,

dead eye contact in unison, excuse me. And the tensions will melt. Trump has also threatened to rename Lake Ontario, Lake America. And maybe Lake Ontario is a dumb name. The name Ontario is derived from a Wendat word, often translated as Great Lake. So it's called Lake Great Lake.

It's a stupid name. And Trump loves renaming things. He controversially renamed the John F. Kennedy Memorial Center by adding his name in front of her. That's almost as bad as when I got a marker pen and added my name to a series of memorial benches in my local park. Well, I'm sorry, but both me and Beatrice enjoyed this few. And both me and Beatrice were beloved daughters in our own unique way.

So inspired by this renaming trend, and I know we can't do this kind of thing anymore, because of work, but what global landmark would you rebrand and reclaim as British to annoy another country? I think I would rename the Great Pyramid of Geiser because it's only a very small change

to make it more British because you just have to call it the Great Pyramid of Proper Geyser. Oh, that's good! It's popular in the room as well. Yeah. Is there anything else that you think you could do to the pyramids

to make them more British, like any decorations? I don't know, like a pork pie hat right at the top. Maybe. Or you could, I don't know, paint each layer sort of blue, red, white. Well, that's a bit American, isn't it? Yeah, we need to make it clear

that it's British. But maybe like a Greg's halfway up. Yeah. That'd be nice. Personally, I think there's a ton of landmarks to bring into British possession. And I know, we're all thinking it. Make the Taj Mahala Weatherspoons.

It had made Tim Martin furious and the Curry Club would be electric. We paint the Brandenburg Gate pink and yellow. Now it's a lovely slice of Battenberg Gate. We push a little shopping trolley into Venice's Grand Canal and suddenly you could be in Birmingham. The Coliseum was where thousands of people gathered to watch brutal joyless slaughter week after week so we can just rename that the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.

This week a survey fair. around one in ten of us feel anxious about our accents in a work setting. And before you ask, yes, of course, I am very worried that a lot of you can't understand what Codd is saying. The BBC spoke to a university student who was worried about people noticing her northern accent

and assuming she was less intellectual. She said, Hey, oh, bloody hell, help me watch this very northern. She does sound a bit stupid, to be fair to her. People frequently judge others by their accents, making snap decisions about your background simply on the basis of whether you call the place where you wash yourself, the bath,

or took call scuttle filled with stagnant dishwater. Research has found that 13% of workers actively soften their regional accents to avoid people making assumptions about their intelligence. I've always favoured the other 87% tactic. Keep your mouth shut for as long as possible and let your work prove your thick as shit. So I'll ask this to the panel first,

but have you ever felt an advantage or disadvantage or disadvantage due to your accent? You pointed to me as the RP one. My family are actually from the north, but my kind of northern accent was actually beaten out of me by the producer of this show before I came on today. Yeah, I saw that happening before the recording,

and I'm sorry that I didn't step in. I should have been... No, I feel accents are on a spectrum. Like, I grew up between Lagos and London, and for two years I was importing school in the Lake District. And so my accent shifts, depending on who I'm talking to, etiquette classes when I was younger

and that was to make white people feel a bit more comfortable they would teach us RP you enunciate and you sit up straight and for years I was so obsessed with talking like this I wish I could do that it's just quite labour intensive is there a situation where you would

think I'm going to slip back into the Lagos accent as soon as I speak to my friends or family that it will just come out and then when I'm getting more comfortable I'll be more generalized Nigerian. But when I go to the post office, I do... I don't mess about.

I am focused. I get in there. I know exactly what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say I rehearse. I do not slip because if you lose focus in the post office... Literally sniper on the roof, gunshot to the head.

Does anyone else do that? Does anyone else rehearse what they're saying before they go to the post office? Yeah, I think I do the same as well. I'm just running it through my head. I get to the counter. I love you. I've always loved you. Please let me just let me kiss you through the glass.

We'll have the glass seven. It doesn't even have to feel like a real kiss. Your husband doesn't need to know. It's technically not cheating, Margaret. So you know what I mean? We all rehearse it before we go in. Is there anyone in the audience who would feel comfortable sort of saying

whether they think they've got an interesting accent, You're pointing at your friend, but you seem unwilling to speak. They just want to hear my Kentucky accent. Oh, I love it! Please can we talk to you a little bit more? I loved it so much, and I hope I'm not stereotyping, but what are the secret herbs and spices? I have no idea.

I don't eat KFC. Oh, wow. Can you tell us your name? Lisa. Lisa. And what do you do, Lisa? I'm a nurse. Oh, man.

But I'm off duty for all of you people, okay? I'm on vacation. Yeah. What a lovely thing for a nurse to say. If anything happens to you lot, I'm not doing a thing. You're on your own. I'm going to ask you questions, and these are probably what I think would be Kentucky stereotypes. But have you ever lussued anyone?

No. Can you ride a horse? Yes. Have you ever fired a shotgun out of a moving car window? I have three guns. You've got three guns. But I have never fired a shotgun out of a window, no. Okay, well that's fine.

Okay, well, thank you very much. So, how do we solve this whole accent situation? I say we scrap accents and start communicating using small handheld chalkboards. Have you seen the traitors? it would be a quieter, more peaceful, more thoughtful society where we judge people on what really matters. They're atrocious handwriting and inability to spell basic names. One in ten of us feel anxious about our accents,

but surely the easy fix is to raise the stress levels of the other nine. Oh, you feel secure in your natural accent at work, do you? Yeah? How about when there's a loose Excel bully on your desk? Yeah? How's that for size, tuppence? So, I think we've sorted that. We all agreed.

It's time to move on to another hot potato. The Daily Mail Online had all their dreams come true this week. Harry and Megan have moved back to the UK. I for one can't wait for some incisive journalism about which dresses Megan may or may not have worn twice and why she deserves to die because of it. As a troubled army veteran with no jobs and no fixture board, Harry may have been attracted by Andy Burnham's pledge

to get him off the streets by Christmas. Instead, they will live here as private citizens and will be classed as non-working royals, which is different to the other royals, of course, because Harry and Megan will be non-working. So, you know what I mean? That's different. That is different. They are thought to have found accommodation in the Cotswolds and have already enrolled Archie and Lillibet in a local school.

And I imagine there's about 100 sets of parents holding printouts of the pair, showing them to their kids saying, these two. Make friends with these two. So, um, panel, How would you feel about Harry and Meghan coming back? Are you excited? Are you bothered? I'm so scared of the headlines, for sure.

Megan is going to get skewered every single day. I am excited about her dresses. Not going to lie to you. Has anyone seen these vertical AI-generated dramas about Megan Markle and the Royal Family? It's a thing online, and they're basically AI-generated dramas telling the story of Megan Markle,

teaming up with Queen Camilla. to overthrow the monarchy. And I'm actually very excited for the live action remake now they've touched down in the UK again. My favourite line of work, and it's often in sort of reference to, like, Harry and Meg and other roles, is body language experts.

Oh, yes. Right. A body language expert, and then you think, in brackets, an unemployed moron. Just go, well, well, the way she was stood, in a way that made me think she didn't like what was being said there. I get a lie for you, absolutely.

I'm on the radio, and if you're a body language expert listening, you don't even need to look at me to know what I think of you. So Harry's on the lookout for work after coming into our country on a small plane, and Andy Burnham has announced 10,000 work experience placements.

I smell a sitcom. So we want to know what was your first taste of words? and we'll decide if we can find Harry a suitable new gig. So I'd like to read this one out. This is from Tony, first job, castrating and de-horning cattle. Oh, wow. Could you see Harry doing that?

Yeah, I think so. I see him doing that on Clarkson's farm, for sure. Yeah. The royals are, they're animal people, aren't they? They're around lots of animals. I think he'd know his way around a cow bollock. Yes, I've got Margaret. And Margaret's first summer job,

while at uni was on the assembly line of a toy gun factory. What was that like? How old were you? Well, I was 18. My mother marched me down to the job centre, pushed me in the door, and said, get yourself a job. And the one that came off the top of the desk

was go along to the toy gun factory, and I worked there for, I think it was nine weeks. Was it that easy to get a job? Yeah. In those days. They were handing them out on pieces of paper. Yeah. To be fair, that's how I got this gig.

Did you ever consider using one of those toy guns to do a bank robbery? I could have done, I suppose, because we used to make luggers, which were very realistic, to be honest. So I could have just slipped one of those in my pocket, but I never did. Are those illegal? Well, they were just toys. But if you held someone up with a luga, that wouldn't be a good thing to do.

So the people have spoken, and we are going to employ Prince Harry by... forcing him to make replica guns. Oh, that's the warning siren. There's been reports of Andy Burnham opening a guitar case in the vicinity. We've got 30 seconds to sort out the remaining news stories. I'm going to get back in amongst you.

Sir, blind date's coming back. Who do you think should be the new host? Boris Johnson. Boris Johnson. Okay. The moon is set to turn red in a partial lunar eclipse. I'm fed up of eclipses.

How do we get rid of the moon? Look through a colander, backwards. Look through a colander backwards. Okay. Well, guys, we've done it. We've solved it all, and I'm off to the Taj Mahal for Curry Club and a pint of tenants.

And I'll be cheered on by the knowledge that any conflicts in the world can be solved by simply looking each other in the eye and saying, excuse me? Thank you to Cody Dahl and Ayahuadi Bamboye. next time The People

As Spoken! People Have Spoken was hosted by Ian Smith and featured Cody Dala, Iawardi Bomboye and The People. The script was written by Ian Smith, Angela Channel, Mike Shepard and Rookosso. The producer was

Gwynne Rees Davis, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Curie Pritchard McLean. Best Medicine is back. We effectively reprogram bacteria. So this all happens in your lab, is that Correct. Yeah, my lab in Edinburgh called the Wallace Lab.

Wallace Lab. I bet the Gromit Lab does all the real work. Each week, a load of top doctors, scientists, experts and comedians try to convince me what's the best medicine? I'm a big believer in fighting. I think the best medicine is something called a free flap. Free flaps, not just my nickname in Freshers Week. Gene therapy for Huntington's disease.

We've just found out why I went first. It's the antidote to doom and gloom. Today is the best day to be alive and tomorrow's going to be even better. We can accomplish things that were previously impossible. We've done like three series of this show now, and I don't throw this around, but I think this could be as good as Barocca. Best medicine. Listen first on BBC Sounds.

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