Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The United Nations of News

Episode Date: September 15, 2023

The fourth of our satirical specials this summer. Ria Lina heads up a crack team of international comics including: Daliso Chaponda, Heidi Regan, Urooj Ashfaq and Ignacio Lopez to discuss the big stories making the news at home and around the world. You'll get an outsider's view on the news affecting you and also a peek behind the headlines from our comedians' homelands. We show them ours and then they show us theirs. The United Nations of News: proof that comedy really is universal.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. This is United Nations of News. Please welcome your host United Nations of News. My name is Rialina and I'm a UK-born comic to a Filipino mother and a German father, which means I want to take over the world! But only to give it a really good clean. Today on the United Nations of News,

I'll be taking a deep dive into the biggest UK story of the week together with an elite delegation of international comedians before asking my guests to share the biggest headlines from their homelands. So let's meet this week's General Assembly. Representing Malawi, it's Delisa Japonda. From Australia, it's Heidi Regan. Representing India, it's Urooj Ashfaq. And from Spain, it's Ignacio Lopez. And in news from around the world.

In the U.S., former President Donald Trump is facing 13 new charges this week. It's his fourth indictment and adds to the 78 other charges he already faces. U.S. prosecutors are using the codename Tesla to describe his case because he can't go anywhere without being charged. Donald Trump has condemned the Georgian investigation into his election meddling as a witch hunt. Coincidentally, in Scotland last year, Nicola Sturgeon pardoned all the victims of past witch hunts,

calling it an absolute injustice. So Donald Trump's legal team is looking into whether he qualifies through his grandmother. In Russia, interest rates have been hiked up to a whopping 12% after the ruble fell to its lowest value in 16 months. This could have had devastating consequences for Russian mortgages, but luckily, all their property's in London. And finally, in movie news, the star of the upcoming Snow White film, Rachel Ziegler, has said that the behavior of the character Prince Charming is actually rather stalkery.

This has outraged conservative fans who don't want modern wokeness ruining their enjoyment of the fairytale fantasy of a grown man making out with an unconscious 14-year-old. In the UK this week, Rishi Sunak is facing a backlash from blue-wall Tory MPs who have said that he will cost them their seats at the next election if he panders to the right of the party on climate change and human rights commitments. Downing Street has signalled that the government is looking at scaling down its push for net zero because of the financial pressure on households

during the cost-of-living crisis. And if you're wondering what net zero is, it's what Tottenham will do now that Harry Kane plays for Bayern Munich. Delisa, tell me, why is it so hard to get people to talk about climate change? I think part of the problem is it doesn't feel imminent. The devastation and wasteland that the world will become is far in the future, so you're doing it for future generations.

And I used to care until I met members of the next generation. You spend ten minutes talking to them and you're like, let me just use more oil, buy an SUV, because they're a bunch of bellends. Ignacio, tell me, what are your thoughts?

Well, I think it's difficult to talk about because it's so depressing. You know, you're absolutely right. Spain is doing a lot for climate change, though, at least to raise awareness for it. Like every few months, we catch on fire. Australia did our bit by doing wildfires that killed lots of koalas. So that was really horrific. I think we kind of started the fire thing. I don't want to say you copied us, but... No, that's true. I mean, to be honest, it's weird how your guys, koalas,

have chlamydia. And chlamydia is the main export of Spain. So synergy, yeah. Uruj, welcome. Tell me, how does this affect India? We've also been raising awareness. We've had a lot of floods, a couple of

hurricanes, but we get to name them, so that's fine. Best hurricane name? B'joy. It has joy in it, but it means sadness. Well, it sounds like you're all doing your bit, so should we in the UK even bother trying? Spain was actually ahead of the curve on the whole solar panel thing. The government incentivized it.

Lots of people got solar panels. I think for the UK, if you can somehow tap into one of your major resources, like drizzle and, you know, backhanded racist compliments, if you can somehow turn that into an energy source, then we're going to be OK. How should we tackle climate change? What would your advice be? What should we be doing? We're meant to switch banks

to a bank that is good for the environment, which I intend to do once I have money in a bank. And they are going to miss me so bad when I leave. What about yourself, Ruji? You've been here for a couple of weeks. What can we do better

here in the UK? I think we should just let it happen. It's time for the human race to go. That's just my suggestion. Thank you. Thanks for coming to the show, folks. Rishi Sunak has been found to be the most frequent flying UK politician taking one flight

every eight days. Comparatively, Theresa May took one flight every 13 days she was in office and Boris Johnson was one every 20. Scotland, though,

can boast the least travelled leader as Nicola Sturgeon never even got that motorhome out of the driveway. Well, we clearly haven't solved climate change. We've had some great ideas. But as I'm sitting here with a table full of immigrants,

where better to head next than Africa? Deliso, you're our Malawian delegate, so tell me, where is Malawi? Is it near Rwanda? Malawi is a very small country in Africa. You have to be, like, looking for it. It's not even invadable in risk. Tiny little country.

Speaking from the UK, been there, done that. But anyway. Great. So what are the latest headlines in Malawi? So Malawi is very religious. You made us that way, right? And so recently the president thanked the Catholic Church for being great advisors.

But you've got to understand, like, Malawi is a different level of religious, and we've got religious tourists who come into Malawi, which is different from regular tourists, because when they're in the airport and people say, what do you have to declare? They're like, my sins. But Malawi is just very religious, and the president thanked them for being constant advisors. That's what's been going on. Do you think world leaders should take more advice from God then? Is that what...

I think people should involve God way more in their policies. They should be, like, announce a policy and then if it's a sunny day, God has shined on us. If it rains, we sacrifice the, like, Home Secretary or something. I mean, go full or not at all. Spain and India have very close relations with religion generally, culturally. How about politically? Are your politicians taking taking advice from god

um it depends on which god we have a lot of religions that are supposed to coexist uh so yes our politicians take a lot of advice from god i think god's been trying to give advice uh for a long time it's getting like bigger and more clear to me that he is. But I think maybe we've just been ignoring that. Maybe we've been ignoring the messages. Maybe all of these wildfires, maybe he's just left these burning bushes and we've left them on red.

Maybe that's... I also think it would be a little difficult to get advice from Allah because he's really private. You wouldn't know where to reach him and if you reached him, you wouldn't know if it's the right guy. I'm like a masked singer. We can all have a guess

Wow If you could create your own religion What would it worship and why? Mine would worship no one having a sure opinion on anything So you're worshipping Keir Starmer? Yeah What about yourself Ignacio? If I could create my own religion,

do you think I'd be here trying to crack jokes with you chumps? The SMP leader, Hamza Youssef, has also admitted that he often seeks advice from a higher deity, which has resulted in Nicola Sturgeon saying if he doesn't stop calling her, she's going to block him. In the UK, we've had leaders from a range of religious backgrounds. Clement Attlee was an atheist, Hamza Youssef is a Muslim, and Liz Truss follows, well, anything shiny.

And it's a little-known fact that Malawi is the first country outside of Denmark to have a Carlsberg brewery, which makes Malawi probably the best landlocked country in the world. From children of God to children of convicts. Hi, Heidi. Hi. Tell me, what's everyone talking about in Australia? So I've lived in the UK for like 14 years

and I texted my friends back home and said, what's been going on? And they were like, well, you know, the World Cup. And I was like, what's going on with that? They were disgusted with me. But apparently World Cup soccer has been the biggest sporting event in Australian history for the last 20 years.

And so they said I had a lot of catching up to do. So I caught up on it in the last couple of days, just in time to get on board the bandwagon and then have my heart broken immediately. Yes, so this is the news that Sweden and Australia will be in the Women's World Cup third place playoff on Saturday. And on Sunday, I've got England and Ignacio, you have Spain in the final.

And Heidi, you can watch. Yeah, I will watch the final now. And I don't know who I'll go for because England has hurt my feelings. Hey, I'll do you a favour. I'll go for Spain. Although I was going for Australia and they lost. With your cursed record, I would prefer it

if you rooted for England for this one, all right? That's okay. The rest of the room, we're in Scotland. They're rooting for Spain. Yeah, yeah. Well, has everyone else been watching it? I'm rooting for England now because I am British now. I've been British for three months. So for the last three months, I actually want the English to win. But until three months ago, I wanted them to lose everything. Now I want them to win everything. Well, congratulations. Welcome to the blue-black

passport. It's wonderful. Is it? I felt myself become more ignorant. Instantaneous. And a little more passive-aggressive. Good for you. Good for you. Roberto, have you been watching the World Cup? Obviously, I'm going to support Spain. But even if they weren't playing England,

I think I would root against England purely because of the men's game, Euro 1996. I don't know if anyone's familiar with this, but England knocked out Spain on the thing they moan about the most other than queuing and weather, which was penalties. So I will go to my deathbed hating England for Euro 1996. Thank you. I just should point out, because the World Cup is in Australia and you all keep saying, who are you rooting for? In Australia, that has a very different meaning.

It means who you're having sex with. So you're all saying, I will be having sex for Spain. As I do in every sexual encounter this is for my people and you're not having sex for England that's nice yeah I would like to have sex with Spain and and then watch the footballer yes while watch the football? Yes. While watching the football.

So tell me, so have you been following the World Cup, Urooj? Yes, yes, I have been following the highlights and I am rooting for Spain. I can't root for England for the colonization stuff. The pillaging of the country and the diamonds and everything.

Awkward. Okay. Actually, that has made me remember that if I did have sex as England, it would be in the missionary position. England, it would be in the missionary position. What impact, if any, do you think the Women's World Cup will have on women? A serious answer is apparently it's been real good.

And I'm not afraid to say that either. I'm just conscious. A lot of hot takes going on right now. I think it's been real good. I also saw a clip of a man phoning in a radio station saying, I'm 100% heterosexual, but I just don't think there's anything as arousing about a bunch of women playing football as there is about a bunch of men. And I don't know what his point was.

Now, look, when I made that call... LAUGHTER Now look, when I made that call... The first Women's World Cup was in 1991 and has matured in the following 32 years, but has lost the interest of Leonardo DiCaprio. Now from losers to winners. The socialist government of Spain's Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez has secured the presidency after his socialist candidate won the support of two pro-Catalan independence parties

at the 11th hour. Isn't the 11th hour what you call breakfast? When did you all get so busy in the mornings? We are very busy. Tourism has gone completely rampant. We're breaking all records. Palma Airport itself, actually, record operations for Saturday the 12th

with 1,066 scheduled flights. But to be fair, half of those flights were Rishi Sunak just picking up some tapas. I mean, he's record numbers, but is it going well? Yeah, it's become, it's just gotten a bit too much, to be honest. Growing up in Mallorca was weird because it always get people popping up, wearing Union Jack shorts wherever I was, always demanding, like, two grande beers, please.

And it's frustrating because, you know, I had a few questions for them, obviously. My first question was always, why are you miming the one word you've translated into my language? So do you think the Brits should have the right to keep going to Spain on holiday? If they're behaving so poorly? It's a stereotype. Most tourists are absolutely fine. Like, you get some loud people and some people give... You don't want to talk tar people with the same brush.

I mean, Spanish people can be annoying. You know, we're arrogant. You know, we're very good in bed. We... Yeah. So what are some of the most classic tourist faux pas

that they do? I don't want to be bleak, but the thing in Australia is they drown. Oh, yeah, that's... That's a pretty big faux pas. Is that bleak? I don't know. I mean, don't book a return ticket drown. Oh, yeah. That's a pretty big faux pas. Is that bleak?

I mean, don't book a return ticket if you're not going to use it. Well, I was going to say braiding their hair. I think, like, you win. I can't be a tourist in many places because Filipinos work everywhere. So if I don't open my mouth, they think I'm working. Worst tourist faux pas? In India? In India. I have a list.

Oh, cool. Do not use the first name for elders. They will think you are disrespecting them. You have to call them auntie or uncle. Take off your shoes when you go to somebody's house. It's sick if you don't. Don't hug people. We do not like to hug.

don't hug people. We do not like to hug. And don't try to be one of us by eating the same spicy food we're eating. You will get diarrhea. Are there any cultural faux pas that you shouldn't do in Spain? I don't know if cultural. I think it's very common for people not to learn a language

of where they're going on holiday. I think it's a global thing. And when people come to Spain, they just expect people to speak English. And lots of words are pronounced differently. Like Mallorca, for instance, it's got a double L in it. Paella, it's got a double L in it. It's not paella, it's paella.

Double L is a Y sound. Of course, I live in Wales now, so I get lost a lot. But I have learned how to say chlen-echli, and if I can do that, you can say paella, for goodness sakes. And finally, Urooj, it's a big week in India, isn't it? It's been 76 years since you gained independence. Tell me, what have you done with the place? Yes, so India just celebrated its 77th Independence Day.

And we had some confusion about that, whether it's the 76th or the 77th. But it's just 76 years have passed and we're celebrating the 77th Independence Day. Our Prime Minister, Narendra Modi, addressed people on this joyous occasion. Before I tell you about his addressal, I just want to tell you that the news story I'm reading to you is full of facts and statements.

I have no subjective opinions. As a citizen of the world's largest democracy, I also happen to be a Muslim woman there. However, Ignacio, my friend, you seem like you're not from India. So when I point to you, will you read out the things that we spoke about before? He will be helping me with this story. Yes. Also, a fun fact. The fringe also started in 1947 in August when we got our independence. Yeah, there were a lot of soldiers

in the East India Company who were just itching to do their one-man plays. their one-man plays. Narendra Modi, the PM of our country, said that India's economy will be among the top three in the world in the next five years. India will overtake Germany and Japan to become the world's third largest by 2030. A sentence that stresses me out

because we don't want those two to team up again. A sentence that stresses me out because we don't want those two to team up again. Narendra Modi spoke from the ramparts of Delhi's 17th century Mughal era Red Fort. A sentence that confuses 7th to 12th graders in India everywhere. Ignacio? Arooj, are you saying that because the BJP is distorting Indian history by removing Mughals from school textbooks to advance the nefarious agenda and cause harm to communal harmony in Indian society? No, Ignacio, you're saying that.

India's 3.5 trillion economy surpassed UK last year. Mr. Modi said he was confident that India's 100th independence would be celebrated as a developed nation. Ignatio? If he dies in the next 23 years. Oh, my God. Ignatio! Oh, I'm sorry. The Spaniards are, you know... They're passionate.

I mean, how important really is independence? I guess it's nice if you can make the wrong decisions for yourself as a country. That's a very good point. Well, OK, so it's been 76 years since India's gained independence. We're celebrating the 77th Independence Day, which I'll be honest, you have been criticised in some places for going overboard with that, mainly by Scotland, though, who just wants one.

So Malawi's been independent now since, is it 64? Since 64, but that's like the official time, because the British said they were leaving, but they still own most things. Right. So the government left, but they kept the deeds, the land, and so I call it like a half-independence. You know what I mean?

Like they left the way that you leave your parents' house but still come in to get your clothes washed. And Heidi, is Australia? Still in the Commonwealth, but we were meant... I think we won't leave. Yeah? I think the new prime minister... Well, I think the opinion's divided,

but I think the new prime minister, he wanted to leave. And then the Queen died. And now I think people new Prime Minister, well, I think the opinion's divided, but I think the new Prime Minister, he wanted to leave. And then the Queen died. And now I think people are like, it's like if you're at a party and then the cool one leaves and you're left with Charles. You don't want to straightaway leave because he'll know it's about him. So right now we're making chit-chat. And then we go there are some countries though which when they do stupid stuff it affects the whole world so for example i think america shouldn't be allowed to do their own elections when you think of colonialism

it does make you wonder what it must have been like to be ruled at a distance by a group of upper class white men with no concept of the reality of your daily life or culture but here at the BBC sorry what? see... Sorry, what?

Don't, don't. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh. Apparently we're running out of time and we have to move on. One of the most familiar sights at the United Nations is seeing the delegates listening intently as the person speaking is being translated in their ear. So in this buzz around, we're going to play out

some clips of the great and the good who have made the news this week. And all I want you to do is translate and tell me who is this and what do they really mean? Here we go. I felt like it was the right step in my career to really push myself. India. Is that Harry Kane? It is.

Yes. What did he mean? I think he's just trying to justify his betrayal of his people. Spain. What he was actually saying was, Alan Shearer's been standing outside my house every night for the past three months. He's posted a letter through my door saying

if I broke his Premier League goal record, he'd murder my dogs in front of my family. murder my dogs in front of my family. I don't want to use barges, hotels, airbases. Spain. Spain. Keir Starmer. I think what he meant was,

I definitely want to use barges, hotels, and airbases. Let's do our last one. I think people can trust me. Malawi. I think there's a word he missed. Rich. Rich. Rich people can trust me. Australia.

I think that was Rishi Sunak. Very excited he's just passed his first ever Turing test. People now trust him and they believe he is human. Thank you, everybody. Those were great translations, but I'm afraid all your jobs have been replaced by AI.

So, yeah, we're going to have to move on. So a very big thank you to the representatives from Malawi, Australia, India, and Spain. Please give it up for Delisa Chaponda, Heidi Regan, Uruj Ashfaq, and Ignacio Lopez. Thank you. But before we go, in any other business,

a supermarket in Romania has been selling a special offer of a bottle of Coke with a packet of cigarettes taped to it, or as they call it in Glasgow, a meal deal. According to a new study, saying hello to neighbours could boost your well-being. For our listeners in Edinburgh, neighbours are what you have if the flat next door wasn't an Airbnb. And finally, a maintenance worker at Kaya... Hawaiian, Kaya...

Hawaiian, Kaya... This is embarrassing that I couldn't pronounce this word. Here we go. A maintenance worker at Kayaaian Airport in the Philippines... LAUGHTER APPLAUSE ..has been honoured not once but twice for returning cash he found amongst passengers' luggage before being fired for going through passengers' luggage.

Well, that brings us to the end of this United Nations of News special procedure. I've been your Secretary General, Rialina. Goodbye. United Nations of News was presented by myself, Rialina, with Delisa Chaponda, Heidi Regan, Uruj Ashfaq, and Ignacio Lopez.

Additional material was written by Rebecca Bain, Alex Garrick-Wright, Gregor Payton, and Jennifer Walker. The programme was devised by Des Clark and Dave Flynn. It was produced by Lauren Mackay

and was a BBC Scotland production for Radio 4. Call Jonathan Pye. I want something better than that. No. What's wrong with Call Jonathan Pye. I want something better than that. No. What's wrong with Call Jonathan Pye? It's really boring. OK, so let's all do a brain fart.

Actually, what about that? Jonathan Pye's brain fart. It's hilarious. Jonathan Pye, off my chest. Off my chest. Chewing the fat, chewing the pie. Chewing the cud. Cud?

The title for my new phone-in show is Jonathan Pye Chews His Own Sick. I'm just spitballing. Let's just spitball. Jonathan Pye Spits Balls. Shall we just stick with Call Jonathan Pye? Yes. Call Jonathan Pye. Listen first on BBC Sounds.