Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Too Long; Didn't Read: Ep 1. There's something in the water

Episode Date: August 1, 2025

Columns. Analysis. The Guardian's Long Read. Who has time? Catherine Bohart, that's who - and she's going beyond the headlines to give you the lowdown on one of the biggest stories this week, with the help of Phil Wang and our regular roving correspondent Sunil Patel.This week, there's something in the water as Catherine & co investigate the regulation of the water industry, with the help of Helena Horton, environment reporter at The Guardian.Written by Catherine Bohart, with Madeleine Brettingham, Tom Neenan and Pravanya Pillay.Producer: Alison Vernon Smith Executive Producers: Lyndsay Fenner & Victoria Lloyd Sound Design: David Thomas Production Co-ordinator: Katie SayerA Mighty Bunny production for BBC Radio 4

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Hello, I'm Brian Cox. I'm Robinin's, and we're back for a new series of the Infinite Monkey Cage. We have our 201st extravaganza, where we're going to talk about how animals emote when around trains and tunnels, or something like that. I'm not entirely sure. Doing one on potatoes. Of course we're doing one on potatoes. You love potatoes.

I know. Yeah, you love chips. I'll only enjoy it if it's got curry sauce on it. We've got techno fossils, moths versus butterflies, and a history of light. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts. BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts. Hello and welcome to season two of Too Long didn't read, the show that bites the head off the bat of the news

and attempts to digest the factual viscera within. I'm Catherine Bohart, and for me, the news is a bit like talking to your friends' boyfriends. but deeply boring. That's why we're here to jazz it up. So, what is going on in current affairs this week? Well, much like every rich American man over 40, Trump is facing renewed pressure over his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.

The Democrats are pushing to release the Epstein files, a document which is believed to contain more inappropriate behavior than a Master Chef final. Did someone say too soon? Oh, a bald man. Okay. England are through to the Euro 2025 finals again? We get it, ladies, you're overachievers, but come on, this is England, land of the underdogs.

What's next? You start liking the weather? You're proud to be English? This is all getting a little too American. Women's football causes, for me, a huge personal dilemma. Am I more Irish or more gay? It's the competition no one's talking about. Personally, though, I think I've paid enough UK tax to support your lesbians. I mean, I mean, football team.

In politics, Kemi Bade Nock has reshuffled the Conservative Party front bench. I'm sorry, who has reshuffle the what now? It's a strange decision, and I don't usually say this, but, Kemi, I feel you. I know when I'm bored out of my mind with nothing productive to do, I just start to pointlessly rearrange my surroundings as well. You bring back James Cleverly, I see if the side table, would look better by the window. Same, same.

People have compared the move to rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, a crude comparison that completely ignores that deck chairs are useful. In nuclear news, the estimated cost of the size well-see nuclear power plant has risen

from 20 billion to 38 billion, but only because the original figure didn't account for inflation or risk. Sure, those seem like the kind of math that we should be winging. Maybe I'm asking for too much, but I like my nuclear calculations to be accurate and not done by a combination of chat GBT and Homer Simpsons. Reforms George Finch has become the youngest permanent council leader at just 19 years old.

Now, that's a gapier job. Finch is also the only councillor with a skin fade in Jordans. Finch's priorities are immigration, NHS reform, and figuring out why this girl left him on red, it's so weird. They vibed in the club, what's the deal? But this week, the big news is the scrap. of Offwatt, the UK's water regulator. In news that will make people up and down the country say,

the UK has a water regulator? Then how is my water bill five million pounds? Labour has said our water industry is broken, so who broke it and can it be fixed? Or will we all have to start drinking beer in the daytime and doing our business out of our windows like medieval peasants? Or me when I'm working from home? To answer these questions,

our first guest this season is a man who ticks all the boxes for an invite to a topical radio show. He's got glasses, a nicely pressed shirt and an accent that's just on the right side of aristocratic. It's Phil Wang, everybody. Phil, to misquote the rhyme of the ancient mariner, water, water everywhere,

but is it full of sewage, and is that because of corporate greed? I'll be honest, I haven't read it, I hate poetry. Well, we're talking about poetry today. And that's the level, so get on board. Yes, Catherine, unfortunately, British water is how I like my martini's. Expensive and dirty. The cost of water services is rising, along with the amount of sewage on our beaches.

Our seas are getting so full of human waste, we'll soon have to describe elevation in this country with meters above pee level. That's gold, you're not. Essentially, Britain is full of crap. I've been saying it for years, Phil. Now, in Scotland and Northern Ireland, water and sewage services are provided by Scottish water and Northern Ireland water, both publicly owned. Wales is a slightly different situation where services are mostly provided by the not-for-profit company Welsh water and also Havron de Ferdoi, which I only mention to show off. It really worked. I was impressed. Any Welsh?

How'd I do? Listener at home, that was an unimpressed Welshman, which I think is the only variety they come in, so it's... How do you say it? Heverendifrindur. Heverendifredur. He said I did better. You cannot see this, but he's telling me that I did better.

I got two Welsh friends to send me separate voice notes, and they've really stitched me up there. In England, a lot of our watery woes are the result of privatisation, of the water companies in the 80s, which I would say does not make sense with water. One of the benefits of free market capitalism is that competition drives innovation and lowers prices. But that's not possible with water companies, right?

If you live in Cornwall and you're not happy with Southwest water, you can't just give Northumbrian water a go. Not without a big van, a lot of time, and a lot of Tupperwears. There's only one set of pipes of water and only one set of sewers for human waste. There's not just one pipe. They're not going back and forth. No, they're not mixing it in the one pipe.

There's one, there's one, one set of pipes for your drinkies. One set of pipes for your winkies. Essentially, there's no choice here, right? Realistically, the only competitors to your water company are Pepsi and pooping in the bin. The water regulator for England and Wales, of what, has been condemned in a new report by Sir John Cunliff. He has accused of what. Of what? Why? Of failing the people of England and Wales, of course. Under its watch, hardly any new infrastructure has been built

and our rivers are so full of sewage, wild swimming now feels like escaping Shawshank. The most dramatic suggestion in the report is to scrap off what which has failed to uphold the law with water companies. Or in other words, defund the police. Sorry, this is all quite complicated. I've never really had to think about it before. Obviously, I'm Irish, so we don't need water. We have milk, but it does sound tricky.

I'm not going to have to read the report, am I, Phil? Because reports are boring. Oh, you young people. Never want to read reports on the water sector. Just want to stay home and read reports on the energy sector, probably. But fine, I get it. This independent water commission review is ironically kind of dry, which is why I've distilled it into

Phil's sparkling IWC takeaways. And now do let me know if this gets too sexy for you, Catherine. Yep, I'll let you know. Point one. A new powerful water regulator is to be introduced to replace the failed regulator of what. Of course, this new regulator won't be as powerful as the ultimate water regulator,

Poseidon, God of the Sea. I don't think he's real. Oh, don't anger him, Catherine. Or he'll make it so that your socks are always just a little bit wet. Point two. Compulsory. water meters in households, particularly homes in areas of what is called

water stress, which is an odd phrase, especially as stressed water is what I call ice. You're an odd man, Phil. Takes one to no one. Point three. Point three, regulatory forbearance. This is where companies are allowed to operate below ideal standards if they are under huge

economic strain. Wow, I've let a lot of ex-boyfriends away with regulatory forbearance in the past. Point four. A mandatory water ombudsman. Basically, someone customers can go to with their water complaints. Water ombudsman is also the name of the German version of Baywatch. I've seen that version. It's very efficient.

Yeah, the running's in fast motion. Point five, greater resilience standards. Basically, better upkeep of the current water system. Some people will see children frolicing in the crystal arc of a burst water pipe, and it brings them joy. Not me. I see insolent youths dancing on the grave of British infrastructure.

And that's why I call the police on them. We've got hose pipe bands for a reason, kids. And those were your top takeaways from the Independent Water Commission Review. Everyone take a sip. Right of applause for Phil Wang. Truly. But still, that all just sounds quite serious.

That's not going to affect us, so, right? Like the customers. Well, as long as you can afford the rising bills. But, hey, Catherine, you and me, we get that sweet Radio 4 money. So that's at least three baths a year, sort of. Now, if you're into wild swimming, i.e. a woman in her 30s. Oh, no, I just realized I'm one serious life event away from being a wild swimmer. As of last year, the majority of designated bathing sites in England

did meet the minimum standard of the bathing water regulations. But on your own head be it. It's quite possibly being a used condom. Free condoms? Free condoms. Nice. Okay, but look, I have said I'm Irish. Obviously, I want to blame Thatcher.

But just out of interest, is privatisation the sole cause? Well, it's certainly a big part of the problem. A lot of our sewage systems are still Victorian ones that simply weren't built for this population size. Pipes are falling apart. Wait, were Victorians pooing less? There were fewer of them. That makes more sense.

Although, I'm sorry, just on paper to me, they seem constipated, don't they? Maybe fiber's the issue. Something to think about. Pipes are falling apart, and the last time a new reservoir was built in England was over 30 years ago. We don't have a single Gen Z reservoir. Forget about TikTok. We need drip drop. I know you're not a dad, but you somehow managed to speak like one every time. But keep in mind, Scottish water and Northern Island Water

are both publicly owned, and they each leak more water per person than England and Wales, which is mad, because leaks are more of a Welsh thing. He loved it. The Welsh guy loved it. But the UK isn't the worst, right? Surely the Americans are worse at this. Oh, you'd have hoped so. I mean, the Americans, they also have issues,

but even America's water supply and sewage treatment is done mostly by publicly owned companies. Do you know how hard it is to out-capitalism, America? Other countries in Europe are doing much better, it must be said. In Switzerland, their water is so clean, you can drink straight out of the lakes. But of course, it's pure. Their pipes are lined with Nazi gold. That cannot be too soon.

It's naturally antibacterial. And also the Netherlands. The Netherlands have a much healthier water sector, because they made privatization illegal and have an investment program for infrastructure. In the 50s, they even established a special water bank for these investments. Now, those are some liquid assets.

For the listener, I'm winking. He is, but he has been doing it the entire show, so I'm glad to find out it's for the Netherlands and not me. But as consolation, in terms of the water we get out of our taps here in Britain, that should remain of good quality, especially by global standards. I mean, I grew up in Malaysia where I could not drink from the tap.

My father connected an intricate system of filters and pumps to the taps to make the water safe, and he was the director of the state water department. So, in a way, thank you, Britain, for degrading your water quality to eventually make me feel more at home. That's not a joke, by the way. Phil's dad really is the head of water.

He was the head of water in Sabaya. He's really into septic tanks, and for like the third date he took my mum to go see a water tank he built well he was just trying to get her wet Bill I mean sorry to say that about your mom I'm more offended that you imply

my father would build a leaking water tower Hello I'm Brian Cox I'm Robinance and we're back for a new series of the Infinite Monkey Cage we have our 201st extravaganza where we're going to talk about how animals emote went around trains and tunnels

or something like that, I'm not entirely sure. We're doing one on potatoes. Of course we're doing one on potatoes. You love potatoes. I know, but... Yeah, you love chips, you love mash. I'll only enjoy it if it's got curry sauce on it.

We've got techno fossils, moths versus butterflies, and a history of light. Listen on BBC.com or... Wherever you get your podcasts. That sounds very interesting, but how does it affect a comedian from Bath? To answer that question,

It's the Neil Patel, everyone. Confession time, I've only recently discovered water. You just discovered water? Well, yeah, I mean, until last year, I didn't really drink water. I thought I could meet all my hydration needs from protein shakes and vaping. But then... It is funny, I guess. But then I went for a blood test, and the nurse said my blood was so thick.

that it was like trying to squeeze grout through a straw. So reluctantly, I have started drinking water. And since then, I have to say, I've become quite the fan. You're a fan of water? I mean, maybe more than that. I mean, I think, like most men who started something six months ago, I actually consider myself a connoisseur. And, you know, I think what you're missing is that the water industry's relaxed attitude

to environmental protection has actually improved the flavor of our beautiful British water. I'm really scared to ask this but how Well if you think about it In the old days water just tasted like water But now each glass of river water Has its own distinctive bouquet Taking you on a sensual journey Into the belly of the British sewage system

Because of pollution I mean you call it pollution I call it terroir And like a wine connoisseur might venture to the Rhone Valley I've asked our producers to venture to the source, the rivers and lakes of the UK, and collect me a glass of water from each different area,

which I'm going to identify based solely on taste. So... The room is not happy. All right, can you help me put on this blindfold? Yet again, for the second time, I will not ever help you put on a blindfold.

Okay, here's water number one. Right, let me... Oh, no. Yeah, I'm getting annoyed surfer With a distinct top note of complete ecosystem collapse So that's definitely Cornwall This one goes down perfectly with a three-headed salmon Or if you're a surfer drinking seawater straight from the sauce

16 tampons and a wet wipe Do be careful with the next one when it looks quite brown. Hang on, let me just... Hmm. Yeah, that's got to be from London. Known for its rich, full-bodied water with that distinctive fecal tint.

This, this is the 2025 vintage, so you can really taste the microplastics. And just a little hint of rat. Now, this would really pair well with something like a slow-braised pork and dysentery, and perhaps with a quick shot of emodium to chase. Lovely. This one, yeah, this is definitely from the north.

Our northern water producers are making some lovely waters these days. Have a sniff. Oh, my word, my eyes. I know, right? That is the powerful stench of corporate greed, plus whatever got flushed down the toilet last night at Weather Spoons and Grindthor. I knew I could smell cocaine. Yeah.

It is mainly cocaine. This one looks quite fun. Now, yes. This one is one of our rare sparkling waters. Interestingly, no one knows why it's sparkling. Is it toilet cleaner, or is it the bubbles from the last breaths of a dying whale? Well, that was very educational. Thank you, Sunil.

Pleasure. And finally, I'm going to wash it all down with this. Okay, well, that looks clean. and maybe like it smells kind of normal. Where's it from? Russia. Russia. Yeah, it's not water.

It's a pint of neat vodka. I'm hoping if I completely sterilize my digestive system and might actually survive this. Cheers. Thank you. Very hydrated for Neil McDowell! Phil, you've really helped me get some clarity on the situation, but I wanted to be crystal clear,

like a triple-filtered Buxton stream, but, you know, with facts. And so I'm going to have to ask you to vacate this stage so that I can bring on an expert. Helena is the environment correspondent for The Guardian. She was a finalist of the Press Awards Environment Journalist of the Year 2025. Please welcome Helena Horton, everyone.

Hi, Helena, welcome to the show. Hi, we've provided you with water both to cool you down and as a sort of visual prompt. Thank you. Okay, Helena, I don't want to be a stickler, But I guess my first question is how does a company that has millions of customers that literally can't go anywhere else fail? Well, it is our privatised system and a light-touch regulator that's let them overload themselves with debt. So when we paid our water bills over the last few decades, the water companies did not use that to invest in infrastructure.

Instead, they paid the shareholders' dividends, and they took on debt to repair infrastructure. and some companies like Thames are 80% leveraged with debt. Hachiri! Okay. The theory seems to be that it would obviously, obviously the cost of this should fall back to the individual customer. Is that the only solution? Well, we're paying twice.

So we've been paying water bills as long as it's been privatised for for 30 years, and now we're paying a second time to build the infrastructure that should have been built the first time. I mean, when you say it like that, it sounds definitionally like a con. You could say that, yeah. Okay.

I just want to check. You know, when you want to check and you're thinking, I'm hearing what I'm hearing? So we paid the bills. They were supposed to use them to improve the system. Instead of improving the system, they gave the money to the already wealthy as bonuses,

not dependent on performance because it really doesn't matter how badly you do. And then the government has said, crack on, but this time tried to be better, lads. Is that it? Pretty much, yeah, sorry, yeah. that's dispiriting. Also, I love that they have decided

the feedback or the response to the review on my right seems to be that they're considering it over the summertime. Yes, and they said they're going to take their time reading it over the summer and digest it. Thankfully, we won't need any water in the summertime. Why out of interest is nationalisation off the table? Because when you hear Reid talk about water

and this review, it's brought in with the premise being obviously it wouldn't be nationalised, which is weird, right? Yes. Steve Reed, the Environment Secretary, claims it would cost $100 billion to nationalize water, which obviously would be unaffordable for the taxpayer to pay that right now. But that figure, I mean, many economists think that's kind of bogus. So basically, I'm going to get a bit technical.

Get technical. Okay. We're not going to. Please do. Did you hear what the meal just did? Please get technical. So off what allows water companies to borrow or to invest based on their, regulatory capital value and basically they add up all the infrastructure of a water company so

the pipes the reservoirs everything and they say that's how much the company is worth obviously if you if you're actually in the market the value of a company or anything is what the market is willing to pay for it it's not all the equipment your company has or all the people and all their salaries it's it's what the value of it is and thames water for example has been valued by off water at 27 billion but at the moment they're struggling to sell it for 4 billion so yeah I think that the regulatory capital value is a bogus figure I think it's an excuse by government to not take further action I'm not saying nationalisation is necessarily the answer

they would be tied up potentially in legal battles for years if they tries to give the shareholders too big of a haircut but we've ended up in a situation where they're both overpaying their CEOs and not cleaning the orders right yes and on bonuses Steve Reid said that he's banned bonuses for Waterbosses. So what he did was he wrote legislation that bans performance-related bonuses for CEOs and the CFO. Thames Water recently paid out,

well, they tried to pay our 18 million in bonuses to 21 members of its staff. So some people are getting more than a million pounds. What's a performance unrelated bonus for out of interest? They said it's not performance-related because we're paying them anyway, no matter how. they perform. They genuinely did. And then actually that does get around the legislation. So they're going to be able to pay their, so Steve Reed didn't manage to ban their bonuses after

all. They're going to pay the bonuses still. Do you think any of the recommendations in this huge review? I know you've read all 475 pages and well done. Thank you. Do you think any of them are useful recommendations or solutions that might help? Look, they appointed a technocratic former central banker to look at overhauling the water system. It's never going to be radical ideas, but for what they wanted and for the person they appointed, yes, it does have some, the system would be improved from what it currently is under his recommendations. Will it fix the problems? Will it make our water sufficiently clean? Will it keep our bills at an OK level? Will it stop people from taking money from our water system and enriching themselves? No. I was really hoping you were going to say yes. So was off-what does not doing anything?

Well, it was the regulator, yeah, who was allowing it to happen, but also the regulator was directed by government ministers to take a light-touch approach. And the whole idea was that bills would be kept below inflation so people wouldn't complain about their bills going up. But that's a political reason why. But yes, it's both off-what the regulator, but also you have to realize that the regulator is told what to do by ministers.

so both Labour and Conservative governments are to blame. At least it's not an essential, like water. Oh, no, wait, what? Okay, but the solution then that's... Oh, wow, I got my... Did everyone else get their hopes up? I thought, here we go. Oh, man.

The new regulator will be better than nilled one, probably, and... Because the last regulator is terrible. But also, it's up to ministers. Once again, the ministers act like the regulator acting by itself, and that they have only just realized it was being terrible. entire time and now they're getting a grip on it. No, ministers direct regulators. If the regulator

isn't acting, the ministers have got powers to put people in prison or take their bonus off them or whatever else. But I think that they're washing their hands on the problem and pretending it's not something, it's been a systemic issue for all governments for the last 30 years. Washing their hands with what? Honestly, I don't know about you guys, but I feel better. Okay, well, now it's time for the audience to ask the questions. Hello, what's your name? Andy, nice to meet you. Hi, Andy, nice to meet you too. What's your question? Is there any way that the government would be able to reclaim some of the losses that have been given to stakeholders in order to be able to reinvest that into our system?

No. What if we said, please? Well, it was legal at the time to do it and they were allowed to do it under the system. So there isn't really any way to recoup it, I don't think. No. Andy, I love the way you're thinking. Anyone else? We had a question down the front. Hello. Hi.

Hi, what's your name? Jemima. Jemima, what's your question? I heard that almost all of the investors in a lot of the UK water companies are foreign investors that don't have a stake in the UK water system, and therefore they were perfectly happy to trash it and take the dividends and didn't care about the company's long-term health. Is that true, or is it just xenophobic?

It is true that quite a lot of the companies that are invested, for example the Chinese government and Australian pension funds and yeah I'm not sure they care too much about what's coming out of our taps like it's not immediately a problem for them okay so it's not even like the British water system is being ruined by British billionaires which would at least feel like something

right of applause for yourselves for your excellent question and round of applause for Helena please everyone we're going to have to feel whine-back wow all weary from water How disappointing. Phil, at the end of this story, what have we learned? What's your big takeaway? A big takeaway, it's time to bring back

the village well, Catherine. Personalised buckets for everyone. Do you have a hero of the week? Yes, the Surfers Against Sewage Group. These rad dudes, well, they think that Britain's waters are gnarly, but in the bad way. They blew the whistle on water contamination

and also created an app to show really, real-time sewage discharges, which is what I'm going to call going to the toilet from now. Yikes, that's useful and disgusting. You know you're doing something bad when the surfers are getting annoyed at you,

the most relaxed people in the world being like, wait a minute. Do you have any predictions for this story? I predict that my dad is going to be hooking me out with some sweet filters in a couple of months. And if you had to guess, what's the next spin-off in this franchise of horrors?

Oh, who knows, Catherine. Next we might find out this country doesn't have enough houses. Anything is possible. No, that can be right. Imagine. Well, this has been Too Long Didn't Read, the show that's newsy but fun, like TikTok, but we'll never admit it to the kids. Too Long Didn't Read was written and hosted

by Catherine Bowhart with Bill Wang, Sunil Patel and Helena Horton. It was also written by Madeline Brettingham, Tom Neenan and Pavanya Pillain. The producer was Alison Vernon Smith. It was a Mighty Bunny production for BBC Radio 4. Hello, I'm Helen Lewis. And I'm Amanda Nucci. We're the hosts of BBC Radio 4's Strong Message Here,

and over the summer, we are bringing you a series of short episodes called Strong Message Here, Strong Recommend. Amando, what is a Strong Recommend? It's something we recommend strongly from the cultural recommendations. Could be a book, it could be a TV show, it could be a play, It could be a... It could be a video game and if I have anything to do with it,

it will be a video game. It could be not necessarily something that's just out this week or just out now. For example, I will be recommending Richard II by a writer called William Shakespeare. Ah, I've heard big things ahead for him. I'll be talking about taxonomy,

I'll be talking about Eldon Ring, I'll be talking about why it's worth standing just off Oxford Street at 9pm this summer. So that's strong message here, strong recommend. It's a shorter programme with a longer title and you can get it now on BBC sounds.

Hello, I'm Brian Cox. I'm Robin Ince and we're back for a new series of the Infinite Monkey Cage. We have our 201st extravaganza where we're going to talk about how animals emote when around trains and tunnels or something like that. I'm not entirely sure. We're doing one on potatoes. Of course we're doing one on potatoes. You love potatoes.

I know. Yeah, you love chips. I'll only enjoy it if it's got curry sauce on it. We've got techno fossils, moths versus butterflies and a history of light. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts.