From the Kitchen Table: The Duffys - A Reminder For Parents, You Deserve A Break

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

Should parents be given one night a week to completely "take off" from parenting? Not for a date night or a planned night out with friends, but to have free reign to do whatever they want without the fast pace, stress, or pressure they experience on the daily. So far, the parents who have experimented with this new-age idea all say yes, in fact, many of them credit the routine with saving their sanity. Today Sean and Rachel sit down to dissect the TODAY article by Gesche Haas that started this conversation, and their thoughts on it as employed parents of nine. They also discuss other ways parents can help each other (and themselves) when they feel that wave of burnout starts to consume them. Follow Sean & Rachel on X: @SeanDuffyWI & @RCamposDuffy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey everybody, welcome to From the Kitchen Table. I'm Sean Duffy along with my co-host for the podcast, my partner in life. She's also my wife, Rachel Campos Duffy. Sean, it's great to be back at the kitchen table. And today we have a really interesting topic. It was an essay written in today.com in their parenting section of their website. And it was a woman. It was written by a woman named Gash Paz. And the title of the piece of the essay that she wrote is called Why I Take at

Least One Night Off Parenting Every Week. And she says that these days off, Sean, are essential and non-negotiable appointments. So do you mind if I break down what she pretty much says in the article? All right, so she basically says she had two kids. She was burnt out, just tired, exhausted. She felt like she was running on fumes.

And her husband sort of felt the same way. And they decided as an experiment, what if we just took one night each off where each other covered for each other's day they're not going to take the days off at the same time correct and this is not a date night it's not like hey honey we're going on a date night to get away from the kids which you know you and i talk about that as an essential thing that couples should be doing this is not that this is I'm taking a night off of parenting. My spouse is picking up the slack that night. And then the next night or some other night that week,

you're in and your spouse is out. And the idea is, you just need that time away from the kids. And so they did it as an experiment. And they were like, oh, my goodness, this is the most amazing thing we ever did. Why has no one ever thought about this as the solution to parenting burnout? So that's the premise. I thought it would be interesting to unpack this. I had some things I agreed with and some things I didn't agree with. But let me just get your opinion right off the bat. What do you think about this, Sean? So listen, when I first read the article, I was like, this is bogus.

There's no, you can't take that off, right? I just, I didn't, it didn't sit right with me. But the more I actually thought about it and the more i'm thinking about listen is there burnout you know can can can moms or dads get burnt out absolutely have i seen you burnt out before yes yeah 100 and um i think every two no i know this but it's true i was like come on lady buck up i'm just I'm just, so those parents out there with two, I think sometimes they think they have 10, um, because they feel like it's 10 and they, so I, I think you have to, if you, if you love your kids and you love your family, you have to do what works to make sure you're a hundred percent for them. And so if you're, if you're burnt out,

if you're fried, we know what that means. You're shorter, you're angrier, you're less loving. It's just, that's human nature. That's what happens. And so if you're able to get a break and say, I can rejuvenate, I'm a better parent. And by the way, my husband or my wife was taking, picking up the slack. The kids don't lose out. Actually, they might get a little more quality time with that one parent, depending on the age of your kids, whether it's, you know, whether you're doing bath time or, you know, you're doing story time with them before they go to bed, you know, there could be some real positives. And so on second thought, Rachel, I thought if that's needed because one parent is fried or both parents are fried, I think in the end, they're going to be better parents for,

for making the choice to, to get the, the battery recharge. Yeah. That's interesting too. Like how you get that more of that alone time. Sometimes when you and I are parenting with the kids together, like we're in the house together, it's, we end up hanging out. We're like, Oh, wait a minute. We're supposed to do with them. together, like we're in the house together, we end up hanging out. We're like, oh, wait a minute, let's just do this then. So that can happen as well. Here's what she said. She said once they did it, once they tried this experiment,

she said the impact was immediate and profound. Having a designated night off has felt like fresh air after years of holding my breath. Some nights I've taken a solo hike or enjoyed a quiet dinner alone. Other times I let myself roam without a plan, savoring the rare and delicious freedom of unstructured time. She says she's an introvert. So for her, she just needed like time just away from people. introvert. So for her, she just needed like time just away from people. But since she's written this, before she wrote this article, she just sort of talked about it within her friend group.

And she had friends who tried it and really liked it. She had a friend who was sort of doing something like that. Anyway, it was a single mom. And she says, you know, she plans like every now and then she'll do a girl's night out or even a girl's weekend out. This was a single mom because she just needed that that time away. So here's what and I'm not being judgy because I think you've got to find what works for you. Right. I wish that there was a way that they could find a way to do it together more, right? Like it could be that she feels overwhelmed because maybe there wasn't that balance in her home. Like as the woman, as the mom, she might've just been doing more, even if the husband was present. And so if she leaves,

doing more, even if the husband was present. And so if she leaves, that sort of forces that the spouse to actually step up and do it. So that was one thing I, you know, when I was reading it, I felt like it's a good solution, but it's not the real, you know, how Kamala Harris always talks about root causes, Sean? I'm big on Venn diagrams, not, and root causes. And I think the root cause is just the way modern culture has developed. I know that sounds super heady and maybe too big to take on, but I think it's worth exploring. And I think the reason, and I say this as a mom who raised nine kids, you know, humans for all, you know, almost all of human history up until, you know, really the fifties and sixties in the last century, people lived kind of tribally, you know? And, and the people that I know that are handling parenting the best are people who have mom, you know, a block away, a sister

down, you know, another street or next door. I just think that the real problem, the unspoken problem in parenting in the modern life is that we're not living intergenerationally. And you and I have talked, Sean, about the idea that there is something in that government can do. There are countries that actually have policies that encourage parents. So like you would get a tax break if your elderly parent lived, you know, within, you know, a certain distance, a close distance of you. And of course, that was that was so that you would end up helping to take care of your elderly parent instead of instead of your elderly parent being a burden on society or on the government. But it works both ways. Right. Like if you have to go run, go to the grocery store, it's a heck of a lot less stressful to do it alone. And quickly, if you can just drop the kids off at grandpa's or grandma can come over for a couple hours while you run to the store.

I think that part is what's missing. And that was the only kind of thing that came to me. I'm sorry. I know that was really long winded with me, but I wanted to get that out. I think you're right. And I, and again, um, even in our, in our lives, we think about how can I make sure we have a spot that our kids want to come back to? Cause we, we, we want that with, with them and my own family, that our kids want to come back to because we we want that with with them and my own family like seven of the 11 kids have gone back to the or six or seven of the 11 kids have gone back and live in the hometown sean is sean is 10 of 11 make that clear you're 10 of 11. so seven seven of your siblings yeah seven of them live in the small hometown that i was raised in um and there's a there's a there's a benefit to that to your point because there raised in. And there's a, there's a, there's a benefit to that, to your point, because there's siblings there or there's,

or there's grandparents there and there's some leaning that can happen when you have a big family. Sometimes Rachel, that can be created with, with good neighbor friends as well. Not ideal, but it's not the same, but that can happen. The kids are going over to one family's house or to the other family's house. But we have a situation here at our house. The neighbors have five kids. We have six living with us still at home.

And, you know, that happens a lot where, you know, they come over here because, you know, the mom is my neighbor, my friend. Gina is running the kids over somewhere or vice versa. We help each other out a lot. So that's that's a great that's a great situation. But I think that it's it it doesn't like I think what we're what you what I'm trying to talk about is I wish that there was something that could happen to culture in America that we started to live like family tribes. But Rachel, I think, I think that that's, that's not real, right? I think it's really hard in today's society. I think people are going back to it. Well, no, but it's hard when they are, but, but, but as, uh, as, uh, the masses, we, you know, your kids go off to school, usually not into college or tech school, not in the town in which they were raised. Sometimes if you're in a big city, you might go to the university or college in your community. But a lot of them leave.

Then they meet other people and they can get jobs and travel anywhere in the country, not anywhere in the world. And so because we're not so confined by travel by, by travel, that's just the nature of today's society. And you, if you want to rebuild what I think, what you're talking about, which I think is really important, you actually have to think about it. You have to talk to your kids about it and you have to be in a place where they can thrive and grow themselves professionally. And as a family, uh, where it works for them. But I want to bring something else. So again, I told you, as Rachel mentioned, I'm the 10th of 11 children. And so I was, the older kids had one experience, but the younger, you know, three or four of

us had a different experience than the older ones, right? It's almost just like in our family, the older ones, our older kids have had a different experience than the younger ones have right? It's almost just like in our family, the older ones, our older kids have had a different experience than the younger ones have right now. You had eight of your siblings were born within a 10 year period, which is blows my mind. Your mom was a saint. And then there was a break, a nice break. And then she had three and you were in that bottom three. And so as, when I was growing up, oftentimes my um, my dad would come home from work and we'd be home from school and he would, or in the, or in the summer, we wouldn't be in school, but done playing. And he would put us in the car and he'd bring us down to West dairy,

which is a local dairy that still exists in Hayward, Wisconsin. And he'd give us an ice cream shop. Yes. And he'd give us $5 and we'd go in and get ice cream cones. And then we'd come back to the car and he would sample our ice cream. But then we'd take a drive out to the airport. We'd count airplanes and we would take a drive around town as we ate our ice cream. And it would probably take, it was an hour endeavor, hour and 15. I never thought there was a really nice thing my dad did with us kids. I really enjoyed our ice cream and drive around runs that we did. When I got older, what I realized is that was intentional.

We had been home and my mom had, there were some hard days there, right? Even with three kids at home. And what he was doing was actually getting us out of the house and giving her some time by herself. I didn't realize he was doing that. I thought it was great. Like we're getting ice cream and we're in the car and we're talking and we're looking, we're counting, we're going by the airport, which by the way, here it had a, it still does has a, has a very small airport, very small airport, tiny little airport, tiny little planes out there. And then we'd go look at, he had a property with some river out there and then we'd go look at he had a property with some river and ponds we'd go look at those but when i got older i realized he was taking us

to get us out of the house and let my mom just be by herself and not have people chirping at her there was a time to 11 kids i mean i mean i can i know she only had three at that point There was a time to 11 kids. I mean, I can, I know she only had three at that point. There was a time, there was a time too, in the summer where she would, she would, um, because it's so active, she would say I'm implementing quiet time, which was horrible for a kid. We'd have to come home at noon and from noon to one 30, it was quiet time. And we had to be in the house and lay in our beds and not say anything. And we got in trouble if there was any noise of any kind that came during that hour and a half time period of quiet time. And what she would do is she would go take a nap and not have to worry

that someone was going to cut their hand off or get stolen. But she was trying to be creative in an environment that she had to be to make sure that she had some time and space away. And so I guess the point with me saying that is this is one way to let a spouse, probably a mom, that's burnt out, rejuvenate. But there's some other creative ways you can look at it, too, and what's going to work for you and how you can get some space to yourself by yourself to recharge that battery. Cause again, I do think that we're all better parents. Listen, if you're exhausted, if I'm, well, by the way, if I'm exhausted, I'm not a good parent, right? I'm better when I'm rested and I'm in a good mood. And you know, when you're, when you're, when your battery's dry, you as well, we're just not, we're not, we're not as good. And so making sure we recharge in whatever way

we're doing it, whether even, and maybe she's in a relationship where her spouse isn't as helpful. I don't know. Maybe the other spouse has to pick up and go, okay, I'm doing dishes. Then we're going to do bath time. And, you know, I'm going to read the stories. You can still be around and help out, but I'm going to pick up a majority of this. It's got to ebb and flow.

So one's just not beaten down and really exhausted. We'll be right back with much more after this. The Fox News Rundown, a contrast of perspectives you won't hear anywhere else. Your daily dose of news twice a day, featuring insight from top newsmakers, reporters, and Fox News contributors. Listen and subscribe now by going to foxnewspodcast.com.

No, I think in the end, also, Sean, I kind of came at it, you know, from that sort of macro look of like, I just wish we had better family intergenerational support for families. And I think that that would be the ideal. But in short, in the short term, we don't have that.

And I do think this is a good solution. By the way, I remember your mom talking to me about the nap time that she would take. I was amazed that she would, you know, she ran a tight ship there. I mean, you guys, she told me you guys knew you were not to wake her up when she was taking a nap and you were not to get into trouble and you were not to speak during that time. And boy, she needed that. She had so many kids and she just needed that space. And I was always so impressed that she did that. She also eventually got a little bit of help in the house when you were growing up finally at the end, which I think was great as well. And I think, you know, one of the things that was the roadblock that this woman who wrote this essay said was her own guilt, that she needed to get over the guilt of meeting that

time. She says, I felt guilty for leaving my kids, for saddling my husband with their care. The idea of stepping away even for a night felt selfish. And I think that that guilt is something that a lot of women face. And I think, again, it comes to like, you know, when you're in that airplane and, you know, if you're in an emergency, you got to put the mask on first, the air mask on first before you give it, you know, you help your child because you could pass out. Right. And you won't be able to help anybody. So I think it's that I think that that's a good analogy for this as well, that you've got to take care of yourself.

of yourself. So you have the energy and the stamina and sort of the good mood to, to really approach parenting with, with a good, um, with a good attitude and with the, with a grateful heart and not feeling guilty or bad or, um, or, or snapping at everyone cause you're so tired. So I, I, I guess in the end I came around to around to her way of thinking as well, Sean. It doesn't make you a bad mom. It doesn't. You can still be a good mom and take some time off. You know, this is better than what you might think of as the traditional 1960s mom solution, 1970s mom solution, where it's like, get a bottle of wine or a stiff drink or some pills and fill it up. Yep, get a bottle of wine or a stiff drink or some pills and fill it up and go like, you're still checking out, but you're still in the presence of your kids.

And probably not, that is not the right way to get your own time by using your little helper. Well, news flashed on, the wine moms have not gone away. There are still some here around. In fact, there's a lot of that, actually. But, yeah, this is actually a very healthy way to do that. You go for a run. One mom says she goes for yoga or she does mom's night out. Whatever it is, if it's just sitting in a restaurant with a book and eating by yourself and just getting that solitude, I think it's good. It kind of reminds me a little bit of what we did this weekend, Sean.

We took a few days off. We looked at our calendar and saw how busy it was going to get for us in October with work and with other commitments. But also, we were just kind of, like, fighting and, like, kind of adding on each other's nerves. And we decided we need to get away. And it was, I just came back so refreshed. We went up to Rhode Island and we took a drive up there. We went to Rhode Island and we got some time together. And I mean, that's in the couple perspective, but that that's necessary too. Right. Well, yeah, I'm going to come to that. but I also think when we're talking about the mom in this story, um, she's better as a mom, but also your relationship's going to be better with your spouse. Right. Cause it's, it's, it's,

this is all, listen, mama's happy. Everybody's happy. That saying there's a lot of truth to that and probably for dads as well. So yeah, so I picked Rachel up on Sunday after work. I drove into the city. Rachel's sister came down and watched the kids for us. And I took Monday and Tuesday off of work at the bottom line, 6pm to 7pm on East Coast time, Fox Business. If you don't watch it, you should. But I took two nights off and we came back on Wednesday morning. you're right. We, cause we work every single day. I have the Fox business show Monday through Friday. You have one of us work every day. One of us is working every single day. We don't have like a weekend off cause I worked the weekend. So Sean works the weekend and I worked

the weekend. Thank you for clarifying that. That's true. And so one of us has to take time off if we want to just even take two days. Those two days that I took off that ended up being three nights, it was awesome. You're right. We had to reconnect. We had to have some dinner without kids and we went for walks and hikes and we sat on the beach. We toured, you know, some mansions. It was really good. And I think it's, again, it's good for us, but it's also good for our kids to see us when, again, we're less fighty and back in a really good space. And again, we've talked about this on the podcast, um, a lot, how important date nights are and how important it is to get away together.

And it's just, we've had a really kind of crazy, you know, stint here and we, we've done less of that than we should have. And we were seeing the results of not doing it. Right. Yeah. We can definitely feel it when it's time. Yeah. You know, Sean, we didn't, I didn't take a night off.

I never had thought of this idea that this lady presented in this, in this essay, but we were fortunate. And a lot of people are fortunate to have a grandparent who will give you a break. And my mom lived far away from us, so she didn't live close, but she is like the most amazing grandparent you could ever imagine. And so is my dad. They're just amazing grandparents and they love kids and they always offered us, they were like, if you want to go on a trip, leave them with us. And we actually, I'm really proud of that. We took advantage of that, Sean. We actually, I'm really proud of that.

We took advantage of that, Sean. And some summers, I would even just take them there for, you know, three, four weeks at a time. I always had one or two back at home because we had so many kids. But we would send some of them to grandma and grandpa's house in Arizona. Sometimes in the winter if they weren't in school, if they were so little, get them out of the cold and outside in Arizona. Sometimes in the winter, if they weren't in school, if they were so little, get them out of the cold and outside in Arizona where it's nice and beautiful in the winter. Other times it was summer break and we'd send a few at a time over to grandma and grandpa's. It was great for the kids. They're really close to my parents. I think those, that time living together with them, being on their schedule, going to church, you know, on every day, my parents are daily communicants.

So they go every day and then they go out for coffee and sort of, they were on this like retirement schedule. And actually the kids like that slowed down schedule as well. And so they learned how to be in different environments. You know, there's one way of a set of rules and way of doing things at mom and dad's house. And there's another set of rules that you live by and another sort of schedule at grandma and grandpa's. And I think they're really close with my parents. My parents have a very deep relationship with them because of that. I think that was a great thing. It was a real gift that my parents gave us, Sean.

It absolutely was. By the way, we had to be really creative in how do we get, again, if you're buying two tickets to go somewhere, manageable. You're buying five tickets to go somewhere, it becomes more challenging. And so we were really creative in the ways we navigated when we would fly them out and when we get them back and kind of what trips we took.

But again, we were able to make those things happen even when we were pretty close to first married. We made those trips happen. And we wouldn't have been able to do it, but for the fact that your parents were willing to say, you know what? Yeah, you're right. You can bring them, drop them off. I'll take them. And it went well, which is why they would say the next time, if you want to go, you can bring them down. So they made that offer over and over again to us. And I think it was good for them. We took them up on it.

It was good for them to have the kids in the house and it was good for the kids. You're right to have a different, a different pace. And what I think the point here is, is you have to be in tune with how you're doing, right? How are you doing, you know, in, in the daily structure of your life with your kids, with the relationship with your spouse, how, how are things going? And then, and being, by the way, being honest about it, because sometimes you can just get into a routine and you're going and you got to stop at one point to go, is this actually going, is this,

is there a better way to do this? Could I be more rested? Could I be more refreshed in my, in my week or my month? Or could I have a better relationship with my spouse? And how do we do that? If you don't think about those things, whether it's yourself, your kids, or your spouse, it doesn't change. And then you get on this hamster wheel that becomes really hard to get off. And there is a better version of yourself if you actually took some time to go, how do I navigate this in a way that is way more productive for me and gives me more happiness and more fulfillment with this really joyful time in your life, which is having these kids. Because it can and should be fun. But if your tank is empty, you're exhausted and you're going to miss out

because you're not going to enjoy it. And you want to enjoy this time. You never get it back again when you have these little kids in your home. And every older person you talk to who had young kids, they always look back and go, yeah, it was hard. It was challenging. There was a lot of work, but man, I really enjoyed it. It was a really great time of my life having these little kids and raising them. And you want to be able to do it to the best of your ability, which means reflect on how you're doing and how you can always think through doing it better, which is why I'm really happy that she wrote the article. Because when you hear someone say, it's okay, this is what I did to make it work for me. You said there's a lot of guilt, Rachel, that when someone

else tells you that they did this, it can make it almost feel like it's okay, that you too can find a solution that's going to make your life easier and better and your batteries fuller. Yeah. And even that you're not the only one who feels overwhelmed, you know, especially in this age of Instagram where people are posting, you know, everything in this age of Instagram where people are posting, you know, everything in this curated, perfect way. And, you know, I think people can assume that it's much easier for other people than it is for yourself. And what this article broke down, I think, in a big way was, hey, we're all struggling. We're all trying to find our way to make it work. And, you know, this may not be the solution for you,

but I think your advice, Sean, of being in tune with yourself and being in tune with your spouse that you're talking about, you're sitting down and you're making time, just like you would, you know, strategizing, you know, what's coming up in your career, what you want to see happen.

Same thing in your parenting life and in your, in your marital life, you should be thinking about and spending time checking in with each other, um, to make sure that the other person isn't thinking, isn't burnt out, isn't, um, sort of losing the joy of this journey. And I think that this is a great article. It may not, again, may not be the right solution for you. Maybe you're in that bigger mind where you're going, you know what, it's time for us to move closer to the grandparents, or it's time to have that discussion with my sister and my parents. Maybe we all should find a place that we all live closer together so we can support each other in all of our different needs. Maybe that's the conversation, but maybe in the short term, this is the conversation. What can we do to create more time for ourselves? And again,

this is a great solution, especially if you don't want to pay a sitter, you know, that extra money. And these are tough times. Maybe it's just, I'm going to take a night off and I got you on Thursday. You take your day off and I'll, I'll watch the kids and you, you know, go, go and do something enjoyable and recharge your battery. So great article in today.com. Um, again, you can read it for yourself if you'd like. Um, it's called why I take at least one night off parenting every week. And we're going to take, um, a break here and we'll catch you guys back tomorrow. We're going to have a great here and we'll catch you guys back tomorrow. We're going to have a great episode lined up for you.

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