From the Kitchen Table: The Duffys - Best Of The Duffys: The Greatest Thing To Happen To Our Family

Episode Date: November 18, 2023

Sean and Rachel revisit a conversation on how the birth of their daughter Valentina changed their family for the better and talk about the proper way to approach disagreements in a relationship.     Follow Sean and Rachel on Twitter: @SeanDuffyWI & @RCamposDuffy  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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slash rightsizedsavings for full details. Hey, everyone. Welcome to From the Kitchen Table. I'm Sean Duffy, along with my co-host for the podcast, my partner in life, and my wife, Rachel Campos Duffy. Sean, it's that time of the week. It's Q&A, and we have some great questions. Of course, we're going to start off with the biggest news of the week, which was not just a debate, but Donald Trump getting a mugshot yesterday in Fulton County, Georgia. No, he did.

And I got to tell you what, I wasn't sure what he would do. Is he going to have a smile, a smirk? I see his picture. And so he's scowling. His eyebrows are coming closer together. He's leaning in front of his head down. He's kind of putting his chin down. To the picture.

I think it was a brilliant photo that was taken it shows the disgust and anger that he has he just um he hasn't been on twitter for yeah but can i just say you should think about that he he thought about it you know some people get their mug shot and they smile or they look sad or you look at that photo and he looks angry. The picture says everything. And it's interesting because he has light on the left side of his face and the right side of his face is shaded. That gives it just a little more depth and adds to the anger of the moment.

His hair is shiny, by the way, in the shot. And it's real. It's real and it's shiny. Listen, this is this is terrible. A former president being booked for the fourth time and he actually went on Twitter. He you know, so he was suspended from Twitter. Elon Musk bought it, brought him back last October and he has his own platform, Truth Social. And so he doesn't post on Twitter, now known as X, but he did today. And he said, it's the mugshot and it says, election interference, never surrender, donaldjtrump.com. And I think it's smart because he has millions of followers on Twitter. That's where the conversation is at more than true social. And he is reaching the people to go, listen, let's call this for what it is.

Joe Biden is trying to jail me, his lead opponent. That's what's happening here. Well, and the Democrats are trying to pick the Republican nominee for president. Listen, you know, there's a lot of discussion. I have a group. I have a great group chat with some Republican women that, you know, we send each other articles and all kinds of interesting information. And we have debates and conversations via text on this chain. And I would say everybody is this is this is made with the exception of one one of the ladies. All of the ladies are now 100 percent behind Donald Trump. And they come from a diverse background. They're not all just, you know, born and raised in Wisconsin. I have some that are, you know, from Latin America, but are part of this group. These are people, especially I would say those of us who understand Latin America.

We've seen this before. You know, Nicole Chavez, Hugo Chavez, put his opponent in jail. Nicolas Maduro, who followed Chavez in Venezuela, put his in jail, by the way, for inciting a violent protest, which should sound familiar to Americans now, which would sound like a ridiculous charge to Americans. But now it's just, you know, another another week in American politics. So this is serious stuff. I guess they're going to challenge us to vote for Donald Trump from from jail. So first of all, the world understands what's happening, right? You can try to package this into, yes, we don't like Donald Trump as Democrats. And I know the world loves us Democrats because we're globalists and we want to give you all money that America can't afford. And so we do hate Donald Trump. We didn't like the America first strategy because they're not Americans. Those most Americans did like the strategy, even though the leaders around the world may not like Donald Trump. They recognize this for what it is. It's a third world authoritarian move to jail your opponent. That's what it is. Can I say that one of the things that Sean has been, and I want you

to lay this out because I don't think anyone's talking about this, Sean, other than you. And it makes complete sense to me. And that is what are, so everyone's looking at the politics of this situation, but what are the global financial implications of our system looking like this? So just real quick, $32 trillion in debt. No one has had that much debt in the world ever but the United States. You can sell that much debt into the world when people trust you,

when they believe in your rule of law. They'll buy your debt. But this prosecution, we're talking about it in the sense of politics, but if you look at it financially, I think this causes a lot of countries and businesses and rich individuals around the world who buy our debt to question the trustworthiness and the rule of law in America. And if they choose to sell their debt and look for a different secure asset, they sell US debt, all of a sudden you have skyrocketing interest rates because you got to pay more to get people to buy your bonds. And one of two things happens. Yes, rates go up or the Fed prints more money and buys our own debt, which gives you more inflation. Either way,

this is a disaster for the American economy. It could, I mean, you think over the next six months, we'll see, start to see some movement. Great depression. We could kick in and it's not just the U.S. This could be, this has global economic consequences. So, and again, I think all of these, you know, they're not, they're not fundamentally understanding what's happening and the consequences of what they're doing. They've been taught by CNN and MSNBC to hate Donald Trump, but they're not thinking about how it's going to impact their lives, their ability to buy food and have a job and fend for and feed their families. As the United States is going, I think they're having some big G20 summit coming up. As the United States is going, I think they're having some big G20 summit coming up. The BRICS, China, Brazil, India, Russia, they're having a big old meeting in South America. And add that to what you're talking about. Our currency, our dollar stability on the global financial market has never been in more jeopardy.

more jeopardy so china this this indictment this this mugshot this just mockery of our system this it's it just is fueling this so china they steal our technology right so they they manufacture technology more in the u.s more in china than the u.s they they they manufacture ships and planes and cars and like they're doing they're a manufacturing base. The politics involving the military as well is real in China. The last straw they have to break is the global reliance on the U.S. currency. And that's why they're trying to partner with others. You mentioned the BRICS, including India and Brazil. They want to dethrone the dollar. And that's their mission. And Joe Biden's helping them do it. Exactly. We're helping them do it by having the world lose trust, as you said, in the American

system, the American rule of law. Okay. So before I move on to have some really great questions here, some of them relationship questions, But before we move on to that, any last thoughts on the debate? Not the debate. I'm going to tell you one last thing about Donald Trump. And it is amazing what his family is going through right now, his children, his wife, even his team. I mean, you're looking at Rudy Giuliani, Mark Meadows and others. They've all been prosecuted. So the Donald Trump team understands it's not just donald trump that the democrats will go after them as well and criminalizing legal advice i mean now you're interfering what lawyer in america wants to represent donald trump i mean that's one of the things that was great about you talk about our system um is everyone gets to get representation

but if you think that representing donald means you're going to go to jail, you're not going to be able to get the best advice if you're Donald Trump. That's third world. That is totally third world. We give ax murders, child molesters. I was a prosecutor. We do believe that everyone's entitled

to great representation. And we want to find someone guilty, not based on the fact that they didn't have a lawyer, but because they had a good lawyer and they're actually guilty. This is a new step to go, you know what, Donald Trump is not entitled to legal representation because anyone who chooses to represent him, we're going to blackball their firm. We're going to shun their firm. We're going to put pressure on their firm. We might disbar people in their firm for representing Donald Trump. So many lawyers don't want to step in and be part of his defense team for that alone.

And so, yeah, this is all a new frontier. But again, Donald Trump is making sure everyone understands why it's happening. Yeah, he's doing a good job with this communication. It's for all of you. You're right. It's a very good job. This is election interference. For all of you.

You're right. It's a very good job. This is election interference. And by the way, expressing skepticism about election results, if you are a Trump supporter, is now illegal in the United States. What I meant to say is how I'm amazed at the man. I really am. He is so chipper. He's in such a good mood. He doesn't look like a good mood in that mugshot.

He doesn't. But if you see him around, he is in high spirits. He's thriving on this fight for America. And I think, again, a lot of people wouldn't do it that way. But he is a remarkable man, mission driven to save this country that he loves. I love the pictures of him hugging the American flag. I was in Milwaukee with him right after he was elected. I was a U.S. congressman. He came out and, you know, he was talking about the Christmas trees that were there

because he was elected, but Christmas, he hadn't been sworn in yet. Christmas trees and the American flag and how much he loves both Christmas and America. And I'm like, isn't it great to have a guy

in the White House who actually says Christmas and loves Christmas and respects our flag? And that's part of the offense. Well, now he's now he just got a bug shot. That's what you get for that. Yeah, it's a really weird week.

It's a really sad week. But I think the communication out of that team is very good. It's simple. It's to the point. And I think in the wake of this debate, I think it's been a good week for Donald Trump. Well, listen, it's a horrible week. It's a horrible week for him. But in terms of what the stakes are, it's a good week for Donald Trump in that it's very clear with what's happened to him, what happened at the debate. He's the he's the only guy standing.

You mentioned you mentioned his comms team and he does have a good comms team, but most of the great comms. The comms is him. He is the comms team. The comms team. Which is why it's so authentic. It's like no one else is writing this stuff. We'll have more of this conversation after this. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime.

Police have warned the protesters repeatedly, get back. CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world

when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. All right, let's go topic two. What do we got in there? This one's really sweet. It said, what's it like to have a child with Down syndrome? Which is a great question.

It's a very good question. So let me first explain, what is Down syndrome? So Down syndrome is a genetic variation in the cell division that produces an extra full or partial chromosomes of chromosome 21. So that's sort of like the technical of what it is. When I was around, I think I was around five or six weeks, six months pregnant. I had got a call so they can now figure out through a blood test. Every pregnant woman gets a blood test and they look at that blood test and then they kind of look at your age and they have this probability. And it came out like 99% probability that our last child or ninth child was going to have Down syndrome. Other people

have what's called amniocentesis. I'm not a big fan of amniocentesis because it has some potential danger to the fetus. It's a more accurate way of getting a reading of what's going on with the fetus, but it's also more dangerous to the fetus. And it wouldn't be dispositive. It doesn't matter. We're going to have the baby. Yeah, for us, it didn't matter. Like, why do I need to know 100%? Because no matter what, I'm going to keep my baby, of course.

So we knew she was going to have that. We also knew in utero that she was going to have a heart defect. She had two holes in her heart and some of the chambers were malformed. So we knew that within the first six months of her life, she was going to have to have a surgery on her heart, open heart surgery on her heart. So that's sort of like was probably the toughest part. Anticipating that, the stress around the surgery, and frankly, caring for her for the first few weeks after the surgery when she came home and she was so fragile was a little bit scary. There was a lot involved. Yeah.

So she had a surgery on a Monday morning. We actually didn't want to stay over anywhere because we wanted to be clean in our house. So we had to drive from Wausau. It was at the start of the pandemic. Yeah, we had to drive down to Chicago. And we left early in the morning to drive to the hospital to bring her in. And I remember they had her on a little bed, a big bed, like for adults in the hospital that roll around. She's tiny. Yeah, she's tiny. She's small already, but she was six months old. And when they came in and got her, um, they didn't roll on the bed.

Um, we were hugging her and they, they grabbed her out of our arms and they carried her into surgery, which I thought, you know, it's the, the, the human touch of, of those moments. And it's for me, that was one of the hardest things to give your child over to go into surgery. And for me, that was one of the hardest things to give your child over to go into heart surgery. You hand your baby over to a man in scrubs who's going to open her chest up and do surgery on her tiny heart, which, by the way, your heart, they said, was smaller than the size of an earbud case. You know, it's tiny. How they fix them.

But the problem is, so here's the deal with Down syndrome. It was scary. I'm open to it because I was like, listen, people who have Down syndrome children, they love them. They say they're great. Can I tell the moment when I told you that the doctor called me, gave me the news, said it's 99% sure. I was pretty stressed out about it. I was dealing with some other family issues at that time. So then I got this news. They were like, make sure you're sitting down when they gave me the news.

They kind of it was a little bit dramatic. So like I kind of was a little bit, you know, I'm pregnant and I'm worried. Emotional. Emotional. I call up Sean. I go, Sean, are you sitting down? Yes. I got some news to tell you.

All right. Shoot. And I tell him that our baby's going to have down syndrome. And he's like, is that it? Is that it? I'm like, yeah.

He's like, honey, this is great. Everybody we know that has kids with down syndrome says it's the best thing that ever happened to their family. And boy, like your attitude in that moment, like every bit of fear that's one of

the reasons i really love you sean i appreciate that every bit of fear just dropped out of my body and what you said turned out to be true it was the best thing that ever happened in this family but make no mistake it's it is it is scary because we've never had a child with down syndrome no we had we hadn't but but you know what we taught we actually started talking to people with kids again we'd heard stories we started talking to people with kids again. We'd heard stories. We started talking. We knew people.

Your colleague. Yeah. Kathy McMorris-Rogers. Kathy McMorris-Rogers. We got to know her really well. She's now the chairman of the Energy Committee. Yep. She was from Oregon, right?

Or Washington, Oregon. Washington State. And her son, Cole, we had gotten to know over the years. He's a great kid. And our kids loved him. We did events together with him. Anyway, in the end, we're excited. And we had this beautiful baby.

And she's almost four years old. She's going to be four at the end of September. And she is happy, a little sassy, the most lovable. When I come home, Skippy loves me. That's our dog. Skippy comes and greets me all the time at the door. And so does Valentina. When I come home, Skippy loves me. That's our dog. Skippy like comes and greets me all the time at the door. And so does Valentina. They both, yeah, those are guaranteed greets at the door. Everyone else. Not so sure. They're like, yeah, yeah. Dad's home. They come,

I get a hug. Skippy jumps on me. Valentina gives me a hug, but a happy little girl. She goes to, she goes to, a number of kids went to preschool preschool she goes to preschool for services and they're they're big it's a great preschool program and she um she's the joy loves it yeah the school bus she loves so the bus comes to our house so i've say there's a lot of things i don't like about new jersey the services they have for special needs we've been really super impressed with so there's a bus that comes to our house boy do i pay in taxes for that yeah we definitely got our money's worth with our taxes on that so that so a bus comes when school's in session a bus comes picks her up from the door um not the door but just down the street um picks her up she gets on the bus the first day is the only day she cried um and by the way i think i cried more than she did when i put her on the bus and she didn't want to go.

But sure enough, that was the last time that she ever cried. She loves going to school. She gets on the bus. She goes to school. While she's at school, she's in a classroom with other children who have, you know, typical children. So she's integrated. She is, by the way, I will note the only child they've had with Down syndrome in the school district in 10 years. Now that is a sign of what that's a sign of,

of, of, um, they're exterminating this class of people. That is because so many people, we now know that around over 90% of diagnoses with Down syndrome and an abortion. And so there aren't very many of them. And the this area, for whatever reason, has a lot of abortion because it doesn't statistically make sense that they wouldn't have one in 10 years. So but anyway, she's there. She's super loved. They call her at school, the mayor, because she is so friendly and she is talks to everybody. One of the things that you'll notice, you know, the question, like, what is it like to have a child with Down syndrome? A child with Down syndrome has no prejudice. They see everybody the same. And even as I've gotten to know many people with Downs as adults, they maintain that non-prejudice about people. They see everybody the same.

They love everybody. They're super affectionate. That is one of the things that's so lovely about children with Downs. They're very affectionate. And she loves music. So we had a movie on last night with my parents we were sitting watching a movie with my parents and the other kids and for some reason this movie had a lot of soundtrack like music in the background and so basically we had two movies we were watching

because she was in front of you know in front of the coffee table looking at the but dancing the whole time as we watched the movie, because she loves music and she loves to dance and she has great rhythm. Just real quick. She, so we go to church, she'll want to walk up and down the aisles and say hi to everyone in different pubes. Or if we go to the restaurants. Restaurants, she'll go to other tables. She walks up, says hi. I went to, I brought the kids to open skating and I had them all. You weren't there. And so I had, you know, the little kids. Go ice skating. Ice skating, right. And she was with me. I had to go tighten the skates.

We go in. I'm tightening skates. I don't have 10 hands. I only have two of them. They want to get out on the rink. And so I've got to tighten the skates. And I had to set her down. And she starts walking up and down the rink.

People are in like a circle talking. Adults. She walks in the middle. Hi. And then she'll hug them. And they're like, who is this? She's so great. There was like a 15-year-old.

She's so great. She's not even four. Little boy is walking with a 15 year old so he's kind of in that awkward 15 but he's got his hockey bag and he's walking out of the rink and she's walking towards him he's walking towards her and she stops and looks up and is like hi and waves him and he just walks right by her but like she will stop and greet and love everybody and that's the the, to your point, they, they make life better. Um, and they make the world better and you start to see, you see, you start to see the world through their eyes. And I wonder all the time, if that's why their purpose, it's like, this is the way we should be seeing the world. And, you know, we always talk about the value of walking in other people's shoes, right?

The fact that we are exterminating 90, we're exterminating an entire class of people through genetic testing and abortion and really depriving the world of the opportunity to see the world, perhaps in the way we are meant to see the world through the eyes of Valentina. When you're around someone with Down syndrome, and again, we could say this firsthand through our experience with way we are meant to see the world through the eyes of Valentina. When you're around someone with Down syndrome, and again, we could say this firsthand through our experience with Valentina, blood pressure goes down. The world just makes a lot more sense. The worries of the world go away. She has this ability to just make you be in that moment with her in a way that I would say typical children can sometimes do, but don't do as consistently as a child with Down.

It is something very different that they bring. And boy, is it sad that we're eliminating them. So related, we did a story last night on the bottom line. In the UK, the birth rate has fallen. And in the US, the birth rate is falling. People are not having kids or they're having fewer kids over the course of their lifetime. And there was an Oxford professor who was talking about what a great thing it was that in the industrialized world, we're having more babies.

And we had this conversation with Douglas Murray, who was great. But the joy in life is having kids, whether it's a Down syndrome child, whether it's other children. It's a great life joy. And the fact that we have a culture that's selling people on the fact that they shouldn't have kids, or if you have a Downs child, you should abort them, is outrageous. And the point that this professor at Oxford was making is basically the human race and the white human race, the industrialized white human race is the problem. And is that what this this British professor was saying? Oxford was saying, yes. And he was basically saying it's we're having a lower birth rate in the industrialized world, in the Western world.

And that's a good thing. That's a good thing. Yeah. and the Western world. And that's a good thing. That's a good thing. Yeah. Because we're the problem for global warming. Everyone's a racist, I guess. And we're polluters.

And Douglas Murray was like, the human race is not the problem. The human race is the point. It's the point. I'm like, yes, Douglas, that is right. It is the point. So your mom is here right now. Your mom is from Spain.

My mom and dad live i live with this this summer and they speak spanish so now when she says yes she'll say c yeah it's way easier to say yeah then yes c do you want this c c um but i will say that the the the achievements come slower but they're also sweeter and there's a lot more celebration around each little milestone. And by the way, can I say the impact on our kids? Our kids, first of all, Valentina is the family favorite. She's the one thing everyone's crazy family agrees on. Everyone loves her the most. She's the first one.

I was just out in L.A. with our son who, by the way, just got engaged. And we're super excited about it. And I go and see him and his, his, uh, fiance. And the first thing they say is how's Valentina. Um, but everybody I ran into, if I ran into Dana Perino, how's Valentina, uh, everybody wants to know how Valentina is doing. Everyone loves her. Our children are much more patient. They are, I just think, and they also are more aware of other people. I notice that when we are in other, you know, public settings, they notice other people with special needs or disabilities. They sort of notice them. And I just think that's a wonderful thing that

you as a child scan the room and you notice who those people are. They deserve to be seen as much as anyone else. And they see them. They're not afraid of them. They will often go up and talk to them and engage with them. They have Valentina has made the world a better place. Her purpose. I have no question about what her purpose in life is. And again, that's why I'm passionate about talking about Down. So I use my platform on Fox and Friends to talk about it as much as I can, because I do know there's a lot of moms out there and I get it. There's a lot of fear around it. There's a lot of really awful doctors and genetic testing stuff that happens that puts fear in women. So if you are a mom out there, if your daughter is pregnant and has this diagnosis, if somebody in your family, your friendship, your friend group has this diagnosis, I really hope you will have them listen to this podcast.

I am telling you, it will be the best thing that ever happened to your family. No doubt. A hundred percent. Okay. So here's a really interesting question. It will be the best thing that ever happened to your family. No doubt. A hundred percent. Okay. So here's a really interesting question. What is the right way? Well, you know what?

Actually, I'm going to ask this other question first. Okay. Because this, this one's interesting, but this one's kind of related. This first question is related to what we just talked about, which is what is it like? You talk about intergenerational living. why do you like intergenerational living so throughout the year we have you know different periods of time a couple months here a few months there throughout the year where my parents um live with us i know lots of people in my life whose parents live with them or near them sean your family i love they don't live your parents don't live with them or near them. Sean, your family, I love.

They don't live, your parents don't live with your, but they live down the street. Right. From your brothers and sisters in your little hometown up in northern Wisconsin. And they meet almost every day for coffee. Coffee, yeah. They go to mass together.

They meet after mass. So let's talk a little bit about what are the joys and some of the challenges of intergenerational living. So first off, I just think with with my own family back in Wisconsin, yeah, they don't they don't all live together, but they're all by each other. And again, they have coffee together. They have dinner together. They'll they're in communication. They'll see each other at the grocery store. What's the upside of that? Well, listen, I think to stay connected to your family, to stay connected to the place from which you come, and you can do that by real property, homes, or you do it by the relationships that you have. They're meaningful.

And they bring better joy to our life. I think it's important for kids to know their grandparents. And so often, you know, just a couple day, you know, stop in at the grandparents' house. Thanksgiving once a year. When you live a thousand miles apart is different than actually having a relationship and building a relationship with grandparents. And there's this tie into history and the family story that's shared and passed on that you don't get just if you're there for Thanksgiving dinner. It takes time. It takes time like any relationship for those stories to come out, for those bonds to be built.

I think having my parents here, for example, I mean, there's some adjustments. And I think it's really good for kids to learn to adjust to different, you know, personalities and generations in generations in a house. Um, and, and, and we learned so much, um, from them and they learned from us. I think they're better off. I mean, we're, our family's pretty chaotic. Um, but I think it keeps them younger. I noticed that I feel like they're a little younger, a little peppier when they're with us than when they go back to, to their condo in Arizona, where in Arizona, where they're probably surrounded by a lot of other people who are similar in age to them. When it gets sub 100 degrees, they go back, right? And it's actually hot out there.

But you know what? They give us good ideas as well. Yeah, we learn from them. Yeah, they see what we do and they offer advice and change things up. And oftentimes that's for the better. Sometimes we're like, no, no, no, we're going to go back to the old way. Yeah. But oftentimes it's really good advice and we're open to it.

And again, obviously we're older parents and we're on number nine, but they still have good advice. So having an outside observer that you love and trust to watch what you're doing and try to change it up a little bit can be a really good positive thing. I think the best part are the dinners. positive thing. I think the best part are the dinners, preparing dinners together, sitting around, having dinner together as a family. I think there's nothing more beautiful. There's nothing more meaningful. And I think there's nothing our kids will take away more from these periods of time. And I think they're really blessed. They have other cousins who do spend quite a bit of time with my parents, but not the kind of extended time. And I think my kids are blessed for that.

Just one quick thing. Your mom, Pili, you said she was a great cook when you were younger. And I haven't seen like, she's an amazing cook, but she makes simple things that are delicious. I'm like, I'm not gonna let her leave. I'm gonna keep her because she's such a great cook. You tell her that all the time.

She just loves when you say that. And your dad is- My mom makes great rice. Spanish rice is just, there's nothing like it. The tortilla de patata or the- She makes tortilla de patata and she makes Sean's favorite, which are croquetas de jamon. Oh, the croquetas are so good. Yeah.

I never had those until my wedding. My father's a good cook. He's also a good little baker. He makes chocolate cake whenever anybody has a birthday around here. So that opportunity, if you have the opportunity to have parents come and stay with you for a while, or if you get just a little lengthier, a little lengthier period of time to be together, I think that's really healthy and helpful. And one thing also, and this has been, I think, part of our plan. At one point, my parents are probably going to, at some point, have to live with us. I do not want to put them

in a home. And so the more time that they, the more extended periods of time that they spend with us, I think the less shocking and the less sort of difficult that transition will be. I think a lot for a lot of people who live in their home by themselves, that, that next step can be very difficult. No doubt about that.

Yes. So I think the more time they spend, the more natural that next phase of life will be. And I'm looking forward to it. We'll have more of this conversation after this. Last question. What is the right way to fight in a relationship? So I'm going to start with the wrong way. And the number one, if you talk to counselors, therapists, the biggest ding ding that they have when people come in to see them because they're about to get divorced or they're having a lot of marital problems is that there are people that come in who don't fight. That is a bad sign. That is if you are not fighting at all. If you never fight with your spouse or your or your boyfriend or your girlfriend, that is not a good sign. Yeah. You're not winning the gold medal on that one because everyone has disagreements.

Of course. That means you're stuffing them down. Or you live with someone, you're going to have disagreements with that person. Any healthy relationship has disagreements. And so you're right. You have to, and we'll put it in quotes, fight or disagree or argue about the things that happen in your life together. What's the right way to do it, Sean? We've learned over the ages. We have. I say ages, years. It's a moving target. Sometimes we're better in some fights and worse in others, but I think- We have figured out a little bit of a system to it. Yeah. And so there are certain things that we know about each other that we share. Obviously, we're married that are off limits in fights.

Right. There's something that you'll tell me that I'm like, that's not to be used in a fight that you can't bring the fight about the fight. Right. Don't bring up other stuff. Don't pile on. Don't try to. Because what will happen is if I do that to you or you do it to me, then the other one gets really mad because it's not about the fight. And then now you're digging at them. You can't get out. Don't dig at them. Fight about what the fight is about. I think it's important to listen.

That's hard for me, Sean. It is harder for you. So if you want to come at me, just because I'm listening to you doesn't mean I'm agreeing with you. But I have enough respect for you that I'm going to listen to what you want to tell me. And I'll try to understand where you're coming from, though I might disagree with it. I'll try to go, is she crazy? But by listening, then I want to respond and go, this is my perspective, my point of view. But when you listen and then communicate and communicate and listen, my point of view. But when you listen and then communicate and communicate and listen,

you can get to a resolution. But if you say one thing that I disagree with and I'm like, no, that's not right. And I'm going to, well, you can't, you can't get out of the mud, out of the moment. And it's respect, right? It's respect for the other person to go, you're ticked off. I have enough. I love you enough and respect you enough. I'm going to listen to you. And again, don't take this the wrong way. I'm not agreeing. But I'm going to listen and then I want you to listen to me as well.

And that's the fastest way to get yourself into a place of resolution. So I also think that when you're fighting, it's really important. And this has taken time for me to understand. I, we all bring in, by the way, the way our parents fight, the way things are done in each other's family into the relationship. And so each, each partner or each couple, I should say, has to figure out what they're, what they're bringing into the fights from their own patterning in the past that's not healthy and what they're bringing in that is healthy. So that's something that takes time to figure out because a lot of times you do things in a fight.

Just what you saw. I'm sorry? You do things that you saw in your own home. Yeah, you do things you saw or heard and you don't even realize that you're doing it. And so it does take a lot of introspection. And by the way, that is the whole point of marriage. It's called in Catholic terms, we call it sanctification. It means it means you're doing a lot of introspection so you can

become a better person. And a lot of that comes out in a fight. So a lot of times we are fighting based on patterning and we have to work out what are we doing that we don't even know we're doing that's hurting the purpose of this fight, which is resolution? And that's the point I was going to get to. Understanding when you're in the fight that the fight is not about who's right. The fight is about finding a resolution to this situation you're in. And it's really hard to do that because all of us like to be right or all of us think that we're in the right situation. But every fight requires a hero

because in order to find that resolution i may have to put my sword i may think i'm right about something a certain aspect of the fight and i may have to put my sword down on that one in order to get to the higher goal which is you know maybe something else. And so this is, it requires a lot of self-discipline. It requires a lot of introspection. It requires a lot of humility, humility, you know, in Catholic theology, they say the, the, the, the, the core sin, the number one, sort of the center of all sin is pride. And so it is really hard to be humble in a fight. I'll tell you, for Sean and I specifically, what has been hard is I have a Latin temper, and he generally has a much more sort of even keeled Midwestern, although he is an Irish

grudge holder. Let's put that out holder. Let's put that out there. Let's put that out there. I didn't need a thanks. Definitely put that out there. That's been a problem. I do not hold grudges. I yell, I get it out, and I get over it. Sean is a little more.

I'm Puerto Rican. Here's the problem. So Sean and Congress worked a lot with the Puerto Ricans and they loved him so much because he loves that island so much. And he has done so much good for that island that they made him an honorary citizen of Puerto Rico. And so sometimes in our fights, Sean thinks he's Puerto Rican. And I have told him many times there's only room for one Latina in this marriage and in this fight, not two. And so he's taken on, that's another interesting point. You have taken on some of my bad, some of my bad stuff and I have to take on more of your good stuff. So, but I also think

it's important. It's a very good point. Um, but I think you also have to, at some point you can get in the heat of it. Try not to say things that are beyond the fight that are really hurtful. For the jugular, that's not good. Doing that stuff will never bring you to resolution, no matter how bad you are. You made a good point. It's being disciplined in your fight. And frankly, talking about some of the rules on how you fight when you're having a good time, when you're actually maybe sitting having a cup of coffee together. When the fight's over, you mean? Yeah, and you're getting along. Have some rules and talk about how you should engage in the future. And if someone, if someone violated a rule to go, listen, you're, I mean,

you're sitting, you had me on the ground and you're punching. I'm saying metaphorically punching me in this argument. You're grabbing my jugular. Come on, dude, that you don't do that. We should just, we have to stick on the fight. You can go back and have a good conversation. Go back and when you're in a good space. Go back and talk about what didn't go well. Cause that'll be, cause again, the understanding of how you do it is really important. But I also think, you know, both, you might not come to a resolution on who is wrong and you write,

sometimes you have to put your sword down, but there are times when, when someone is making their, if you're making the point to me and I'm listening, I can go, yeah, listen, I, I, I see what she's saying. I don't, she doesn't see it the same way I see it, but I get it. And maybe I was wrong. Maybe I, maybe I wasn't doing the right thing, or maybe I was offended by something that I shouldn't have been offended by because something else was happening and it's okay to go, okay, listen, all right, I'm sorry. Right. And you do a really good job of then letting it go. Like, don't hold onto the fight. If I'm giving you an apology and I recognize, hey, I was not, I wasn't cool. Right. Then you're like, all right. And you let it go. You don't hold onto it. In the middle of the fight. If I, if I see, say something,

if I did something and I'm like all right we may be arguing i think i'm i shouldn't be sorry for something and i hear your point of view and we might be arguing about it and then i'm like all right okay i get that okay i'm sorry i'm sorry no i didn't say it like that i'm sorry that i did that you will go all right i appreciate that and it kind of brings the temperature down. But it took years for us to get there. And so I guess that's the advice that I would give people is to understand, one, you want to set rules for how you argue.

Later on, when you're not heated, you want to go back over what happened in the argument to go, this went well, this didn't go well. But what you will see is if you're doing this right, over time- You get better. You get better at sort of noticing these, knowing where the triggers are, avoiding these minds, not avoiding the fight,

because it's important to talk about what's bothering you. We talk all the time and we argue a lot about things. But I would say early in our marriage, and I've said this to young couples all the time and we argue a lot about things and but i would say early in our marriage and i've said this to young couples all the time our first year marriage was horrible um it was the worst it was the worst everything went up from there but part of it was we didn't know how to fight and that and and the fights became from little things they became massive fights. And now I think we're able to know where, you know, the fights just don't get as big as they used to get. Right. You're right. Cause we've got, we've gotten better at it, but, but also if we're fighting or arguing about something

and all of a sudden, again, if, if, if I'm, if I'm wrong and you're right, and then I'm like, but I'm wrong and I'm right. And now you said something or did something. Now I'm going to make the fight about what you just did, not the original point of the fight. What you did in the fight. In the fight. And we're going to fight about what you did in the fight. All of a sudden. You hate that. Stop that. We're not going to do that. Don't try to jujitsu me. Jujitsu me. Let's keep this on what the fight is about and what you did wrong. Right. It's true. I have turned fights into fighting about the fight.

Fighting about the fight instead of the original person, which goes back to the original thing I said, which is the fighting is a good sign that you're getting things out, that you're working through problems. But it has to be with resolution in mind, like that you have a problem and you're trying to get to the resolution. Cause if not, what will end up happening is you will keep fighting the same fight over and over and over again. So there has to be a resolution about how we're going to resolve this. So we don't keep having the same fight, but what will happen to people who don't fight also is that they never resolve it. It builds up and then they get.

It's explosive, right? It is. So just, I guess, as I think about this, the two takeaways that I would have is you have to listen. So shut up and listen to what the person is. And by the way, you also want to have some equal time. One person should not dominate the conversation. They should go back and forth.

You listen and then you respond and then you have the respect of the other person listening to you. That's the best way. Cause then you're communicating and actually hearing you do this to me all the time. You're like, listen to me, stop trying to think about how you're going to respond. Cause I can see I'm, I'm talking, here's what happens. I'm talking, I'm, he's, I'm telling him my point of view and I can see on his face that he's formulating his answer. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Don't think about your answer. Just like, don't control me. Yeah. Don't control me. But don't formulate your answer. Really listen to what I'm saying. And then think about it. Take a, take a beat there and think about it and then respond.

So that's, that's key. And the other key advice is when it's over and you're back in good spaces, sit and talk about what went well and what went poorly. And in your own relationship, you can then divvy up kind of rules, create rules around how you're going to do it and do it better in the future. And you can't do that in the fight. You have to do it in a time of peace and love. But it'll make you better in those bad times. And those bad times will not be as bad because there's guardrails. There definitely has to be some guardrails. Absolutely, there has to be some guardrails.

And just really trust that the longer you're in this relationship, the longer you're married, hopefully, the better. I think our fighting has become more productive, right? Like there are conclusions. There are our goals that are met at the end of it. That doesn't mean they don't get, sometimes they can get vicious because I can be, I'm a Latina and I can be mean. And there's no question about that. But, but, um, and by the way, I do think the yin and yang of this has been good i think if you were truly puerto rican i'm not sure this would work with us i just and you're just puerto rican

sometimes just sometimes usually i'm i'm pretty amicable i think i'm right and then i'm like all right whatever i'm like five but and i'll let stuff go and once in a while yeah i have to if something is if i have been seeding seedings once in a while i'll be to, if something is, if I am seating, seating, once in a while, I'll be like, I'm going to, I'll stand up and I'll like, I will not put my sword down. I'm like, I'm not going down on the, no, no, no. I know when there are very, he doesn't, he, there's not a lot of things that really he puts a stake in, but when he puts, I'm not letting it, when he puts the stake down, I know like it doesn't, no amount of Latina arguing is going to change this. So,

but, but I like that there's just a few things. It's not a lot. He generally lets me do my thing. Doesn't micromanage me. Not too much. Not too much. He doesn't micromanage me at all, but there's certain things and it's good. It's good. You know, it's, it, it creates respect. There are some boundaries that I know I can't cross with Sean. And I think that's a good thing. And by the way, if you're dating, these are good skill sets as you date to learn yourself on what the best ways are to do it. Because the bad habits you get in your dating life will carry over into bad habits for your marriage. And so get in the habit of doing things the right way right right away, and you'll be better off in your marriage. And by the way, you might marry someone who is really bad at it.

And you're going to have to be the instructor. You're going to have to be the leader of the marriage. You're going to have to be the salvation of the marriage and how you do it because you are developing the skills through dating to get you to marriage to make sure you can do this effectively. But my feeling, Sean, is that, and this is, of course, just based on our own experience, that marriage, the fighting in marriage is just not the same as dating. Yeah, it's true. It's just different. There's a whole other set of things that go on. But also, there's a beauty about it, too. The permanency of marriage, if you're really thinking of marriage and Sean and I really and this is a really important point. This is actually the most important point. And this is why marriage is so beautiful.

If you've entered marriage as like just like a ceremony that you did and if it doesn't work out, I'll get I'll get divorced and whatever. I mean, Sean and I entered marriage. It's a sacrament. And it was a commitment and a promise that we didn't just make to each other. We did it with a third person there. And that was God. And so for us, there's no way out like the movie, right? No way out.

And so it changes the nature. Because if I know I'm going to be with sean forever then the way i fight through this has got to be it changes the nature of the fight because you can't get away i can't i i better resolve this because we're going to be together forever this isn't like a i got to win this fight or else i'm out of here you know what i mean there are this isn't like a deal breaker fight this is like we got to work this out because we got 50 more years, honey. Right. So that is why I think marriage fights, especially if you enter marriage in the right and proper

and spiritual way, sacramental way, as we say it in Catholicism, it changes the nature of the fight. And it's just not the same as when you're dating. So the end consequences, you will probably fight less and you'll fight better. And the fights will be shorter if you implement some of these plans. So good advice, really good advice, and really important for marriage. Successful marriages need to do this well, and they have to do it, and they have to do it right um so we have to go in just a moment because uh i'm going to tell you a little embarrassing story so i you know i speak climb right and at fox and friends last summer we rick wright moved rick reichmuth came to

lumberjack weatherman at fox and friends and we had a couple young bucks climbing so what they did is let me explain fox and friends came to the Lumberjack World Championships, and Sean was basically our correspondent on the ground showing everybody at Fox and Friends back in New York and across with all of our viewers. Log rolling, chopping, sawing. One of them was speed climbers. We had some young speed climbers.

Sean is a three-time world champion speed climber. That's what he was doing when I met him. I was, I was young and in shape and I've done it a million times. So anyway, these two young guys are there climbing. I'm going to join them in this. It was a tease for the next segment where we're going to come back to lumberjack bowl. These guys are going up the tree. I'm a little older, slower than I used to be. They're beating me, but I'm like, you know what? Gravity works because so it's a race up and down the pole so you got to race up and then it's like free fall back down so they beat me up and i'm like i'm gonna come down really fast and i did like i've normally done like what

you've always done that's how you had when you hit the pad my right arm went up in the air like it's done a million times and i got once it came back down i'm like oh my i was in so much pain i must white it out and you thankfully went to break i I couldn't like after this, we were done. We went to have dinner, a lunch. I could barely eat. Couldn't get my hand up to my mouth. Couldn't brush my teeth. Anyway, shoulders was just got a little better, but not great. So I went and got an x-ray about two, three months ago, and I broke my shoulder. Well, what happened is no, no, no. He had an appointment a few days later to go see a doctor. His brother got him in in the town where he's at in Hayward, got an appointment. But his shoulder was starting to feel a little bit better. And it was a beautiful day. And he wanted to go on the lake because it was a gorgeous day. And so he didn't go to the doctor. canceled the appointment and didn't go and what a mistake that was because they could have fixed it like introscopically or whatever they call that um but he didn't do that and so basically for the last year he's been running around with a broken

shoulder he didn't know it he's been working out he's been doing all kinds of stuff water skiing doing all kinds of things better and so i got went kinds of things. But it never got better. And so I went in like, oh, yeah. So finally it didn't get better. And we talked to, who did we talk to? Of course, Nicole Sapphire. Right. And she said, Sean, Dr. Nicole Sapphire said, you need to go see the doctor, Sean. And so she recommended a doctor for him to go in. They looked at him.

They did an x-ray. And turns out that for the last year, he's been walking around with a broken shoulder. So today, um, I'm, I will actually late right now. This is the way we roll. I'm going,

I'm going to do shoulder surgery. Um, I've never been cut. Never, never, never had a surgery like that. I'm going in there. Let's take a four hour surgery to,

they got, they got to like grab something back. So Sean's been a little bit nervous about this. And he told his producers that, you know, I, you know, this is Friday. I'm having the surgery. I think I should be OK on Monday, but I don't know, like, if I can go into work or not. Just trying to.

I'm going to try. But and I started laughing like I had. I've given birth. And by the way, the last one was the only one that I had a C-section and I did box and friends like four days later after having a C-section and a baby and nursing, you're going to work on Monday. I was,

I'm good. I plan on going to work on Monday, but I'm not going to be in a sling. I know, but it just kind of cracked me up. How like precious you think you are. I'm going to go in on Monday to work. And people are like,

what? You're going to go to work on Monday. Take a day or two. I'm like, listen, I don't want to take a day off for a broken shoulder. I would like for you to stay home and hang out and I'll nurse you. But I just want you to know

what you're going through with your shoulder is nothing compared to childbirth and a C-section. I just want to make that very clear. See, this is the sympathy I'm going to get today as I go. I'll be a nice nurse, but my sympathy is going to be a little tempered by the fact that, you know, I had a baby.

You had a baby. I had nine. You had nine babies. All right. So we're going to go do surgery right now, be limp and gimp. But listen, great podcast. I enjoyed it from Down syndrome to advice on how to fight, Donald Trump, great picture, the best you could make it, and a little bit of surgery.

So listen, everyone, thank you for joining us on our podcast. If you like this podcast, you can rate, review, subscribe, wherever you get your podcast. You can get us at foxnewspodcast.com, always. Please subscribe. You get a notice every time our podcast drops, Wednesday, Thursday, and Q&A on Friday, which is today. And until next time, when I have a little B-R, I'm going to sling.

I tell the kids a lot, like, do you know I have surgery today? And they're like, when I have a little B-arm and a sling, I tell the kids a lot, like, do you know I have surgery today? And they're like, shut up, Dad. We know you have surgery. Keep talking about it. They can't get away from it. It's a family joke. They're like, yes, Dad, your shoulder hurt. Yes, Dad, you broke your surgery. Yeah, whatever. Wah, wah, wah. All right, everybody. Listen, thanks for

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