From the Kitchen Table: The Duffys - Q & A With The Duffys: What Do Men Really Want?

Episode Date: July 1, 2023

Sean and Rachel explore the inverse of the age-old question "What a woman wants?" as they share their thoughts on what a man wants in a relationship.   Sean discusses the key factors that men look for in a woman, shares tips for staying in a healthy and long marriage such as seeking a supportive spouse, and Rachel gives her advice to women looking for a relationship. Follow Sean and Rachel on Twitter: @SeanDuffyWI & @RCamposDuffy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. From November 25th to December 2nd, get 25% off everything on orders over $150 in Mejuri's biggest sale ever. From bold hoops to minimalist stacks, Mejuri has something for everyone. Mejuri makes handcrafted fine jewelry for every day made with responsibly sourced materials.

So you can look and feel good about gifting and wearing them. Shop your wishlist 25% off at Mijeri.com today. Hey everyone, welcome to From the Kitchen Table. I'm Sean Duffy along with my co-host for the podcast, my partner in life and my wife, Rachel Campos Duffy. It's so great to be back, Sean. And we have a really interesting Q&A. It's actually kind of a special edition of Q&A because you know what people are always like, what do women want? What do women want? Well, I think I'm going to reverse that question. We're going to ask, what do men really want? And you're going to kind of be our expert. What do you think, Sean? I love that idea. All right. I'm going to dispense some male knowledge here. Is that the deal? You're going to dispense male knowledge. Interestingly,

I'm going to reference a woman's article. She's a famous matchmaker. I've gone to other, I've done a little bit of research on this. So I'm going to talk to you about what they say men want and aren't that interested in. But before I do, why don't we just right off the top, just your personal opinion. What do men want? So I think, and again, I haven't seen the questions, but I'm going to tell you, I think they want someone who is attractive, smart, a woman who loves them them that's what they want wow so that's interesting because um the number one thing that these experts you know and i i'm going to by the way vet these experts because i have an idea as well you have an idea so we'll just kind of go through and see

if these people are on the nose number one is is the ability to be feminine. And that's sort of something that's been really under attack these days, that being feminine somehow means that you're, you know, submitting yourself to the patriarchy. But it's true, whether we like it or not. Biology, Sean tells you, guys like feminine chicks. Yeah. So, I mean, I think that's what is feminine? But I'd say I want a woman, right? I don't. Heterosexual men want feminine women. I don't want, you know, a woman kind of with male traits. I want a woman who has very feminine traits, who, you know, looks like a woman, who smells like a woman, who dresses like a woman. I mean, all the things that, you know, I think most men find attractive

is, you know, what they don't have themselves. It's all these other, you know, traits that I think make up femininity, right? I mean, that's- Femininity, right? Yeah. Femininity. Well, there is this feminine power, right?

And they talk about feminine energy. And so when you're with a woman, I imagine that you feel that energy. And I when you're with a woman, I imagine that you feel that energy. And I feel it when I'm around strong women who are interesting and, you know, aren't afraid of being feminine. You just kind of feel that. And so you talked about looking. But is there something that happens these days that if women are trying to be masculine or male or take on male qualities, you can be a strong woman with strong female qualities, but that doesn't mean you're male. You can have feminine strength.

Right. Which I like. Actually, by the way, you're a pretty strong woman, pretty strong-willed. Right. And so they talk about how women need to take care of themselves. And by the way, this goes both ways. I mean, we've talked about that all the time. It's really important when you're in it, especially if you want this to be a successful long-term relationship, you owe it to your partner to take care of yourself and make sure that you remain attractive to your spouse.

Well, that's a good point. It doesn't mean you can't age though, right? No, of course not. And you should age with grace, but this goes for men and women. I mean, if you get married and turn into a slob, no matter, you know, man or woman, you know, that doesn't become very attractive. You do, you should try to stay in shape. You should try to work out. You should try to, you know, groom yourself and dress yourself in a way that's appealing to the world and to your spouse. Yeah. Pull yourself together. You know, we were doing the podcast that we did that went so viral about how to how to find a mate.

Right. The whole dating episode that we did about returning to the 80s. because of COVID and now all this work from home that people sort of have become more and more sloppy with how they present themselves to the world if they even get outside of their homes and apartments to face the world and that is sort of a bit of a sign of the times and something that I think needs to be drawn back that doesn't mean you have to be super formal and do everything, you know, like always be, you know, wake up in the morning and put on makeup or anything like that. But you do have to pull yourself together. For me, I, I love to get my nails done because it just makes me feel more feminine. And I take, and, and I like to take care of myself in that way. Is that

something that matters to you, whether a woman's nails are done or not? I only see the bill on the nails. I don't really see the benefit of the nails. You don't notice. Yeah, that's not my jam. You could have, you could chew your nails, peel your nails, and I wouldn't notice. Yeah. You know what's so funny, Sean? It's so true that a lot of what we women do is for ourselves or other women and not necessarily for men, which is a little bit what this article is about.

or other women and not necessarily for men, which is a little bit what this article is about. But also, I think when you mentioned, you'll go in and get Fox hair and makeup, and you look great with Fox hair and makeup. You look great regardless. It's too much. I think it's too much. But I don't think as a woman you have to go every morning and I have to get makeup and hair done to the nines.

But that doesn't mean you don't pull yourself together, but you don't have to be that person who gets up and my husband or my boyfriend can't see me without makeup. You can just put your hair back in a ponytail, throw a little, you know, whatever you throw on for two minutes and be gone. And that can be, that can be nice and well-groomed and beautiful. Yeah. And so this matchmaker was saying, this is a, by the way, an Australian matchmaker who's, um um she often posts things on the daily mail um she's she's kind of an interesting um lady her name is uh uh laura house i oh no luanne ward is her name luanne ward and she says it's it's really about not about the way you look physically it's the way you look after yourself

and the way you look after your home and the way you look after your health and the way you look after your spouse. So I know they say that men actually live longer when they're married. And part of that is because when they're married, they have a spouse who's like caring about how they eat and caring about if they're, you know, eating enough, you know, vegetables and getting their vitamins or whatever. I mean, there is something that happened. Did they go to the doctor? Did they, you know, yeah, I think that's, I think that's a hundred percent right. I think a lot of women make men better. We are maybe a little more animalistic in our, in our behavior when left into the wild and we're a little more tamed when a, when a woman is in our life and it's for the better. No doubt about that. Okay. So the other one is the ability to be

supportive. And it says, and she says, you know, to support each other's goals, support. I mean, that's so important in a relationship, isn't it? So I think, so I'm speaking for myself, but I would say not only to have someone who is supportive and that can come that way of good for you, honey, you go get your dream, but also someone who is helpful with you, you know, accomplishing your dreams and your goals and you help each other. But I'll look in my career. It's, it was very attractive to me that you were very helpful to me and you bought into what I was doing as much as I was buying into what I was doing. And I think vice versa, I was buying in to, to, to the things that you did as well. And I think that's, that's attractive because what it gets to is that you actually care about

that person. If you care about the goals and the dreams, one, you must share the goal and the dream and you love the person that you're helping craft that goal and dream with. And I think it shows maybe a commitment to the marriage and to the person whose career you're helping, whose goal you're helping them reach. And again, I don't think this is just for men going toward women. I think it goes both ways in all relationships. Yeah, it's interesting.

A lot of these go both ways. I'd say one of the things that people... There's a lot of incentives and sort of push in the culture for people not to pair off, to not get married. Marriage rates have plummeted, birth rates have plummeted. And one of the reasons that people do not get married is they think that it's more expensive. But what all the data has come back on that, and it's proven that when men get married, they actually end up making more money. And there's a lot of reasons behind that, you know, there's the pressure of having to support somebody. And so maybe you work harder, but one of them is that men who are married have

the benefit of really two, two brains and two very different brains, because we are biologically different, working and thinking about your career. So like you mentioned how, how grateful you were and how attractive it was to you that I helped you, you know, as you were building your career, both in law and then in, in Congress and politics. Well, you know, you had two minds working towards that goal and, you know, the things that you think about and you think are important or you think would work in, you know, strategizing on your career are things that are and there are things that I'm thinking about that you're not thinking about. And so there's that complementarity of the sexes that happens in that. So being supportive. But I would also say, first of all, if I wasn't able to take care of my family, I would view that as a massive failure as a man. And so when we got married, I was in law school and I was doing lumberjack competitions and exhibitions and I was studying for the bar as

well. And I studied seven days a week, I think 14 hours a day. I really overdid it. But I did that because I'm like, if I don't don't pass the bar, what am I to support my family and be a lumberjack? I mean, I got to be a lawyer. And I was not in the top, you know, the top 10 percent of my class. I was in I did real world. Yeah. But when you took the bar, Sean, I was in the scored so high that if you scored high, you took the bar in Minnesota, and there was a reciprocity rule that if you scored high enough on the Minnesota bar, Wisconsin would actually accept that. Or was it vice versa? But, yeah, I did well enough on the multi-state. You took Wisconsin, and then it allowed you to also be accepted into the Minnesota bar.

And other states as well. And so there's a multi-state. So those of you who don't know, the bar exam, there's one part of the bar exam that everyone in the country takes. It's called a multi-state. It's multiple choice. Everyone takes it. But I did really well on that because I studied so hard because I wanted to make sure I could take care of you and our baby that was on the way, which is Evita. And I think men work harder, are driven more when they're not just looking out for themselves, they're looking out for

their little family, whether it's just their spouse, their wife, or their kids that they have. And I think that's really important. Even when I ran for Congress, there was a lot riding on that race. And I worked so hard because the consequences of losing were kind of devastating. Okay. So here's an interesting one. And this, this one could get a little dicey with this here, because one of the, one of the things that she says makes a woman more attractive to a man is her ability to control her emotions, which is, you know, I'm Hispanic and I do kind of, I kind of run a little hot when I get mad. Um, so talk to me about what, how men view that in general. I won't be offended. You can talk in general terms. Do I have permission to speak freely on this podcast? Thank you.

Of course. Um, so listen, I think to have someone who has feelings and emotional, is emotional and is not dead right is a good thing it's good to have emotions and passion and energy with the latin wife it can be a little bit much i'll say that and that's not the most attractive when we we we have someone who burns really really hot sometimes from my vantage point can be hot and unreasonable as someone who is always reasonable. Right, Rachel? So I think being too overblown can be a problem in a relationship. Yeah, too dramatic. Would you say I'm dramatic? No, just hot.

Just hot. I'll take that. So here is an interesting thing. A little fiery. So when Sean and I first got married, we, I was, I'm kind of like, you know, engaging a lot in fights, but I was actually kind of winning our arguments. Would you not say that, Sean? Yes. And because he wasn't used to like,

he wasn't used to all this Latina energy constantly engaging him in contentious issues and so forth and so um so you were losing those arguments and fighting was not fun it was even worse for you at that point it wasn't what happened over time is that Sean started to go okay I gotta learn how to win these and so he's actually like you I feel like you've actually gotten more contentious with to kind of match my energy. I think I've calmed down a little bit, but you've kind of moved up. And there have been times when and for those who don't know, Sean has an honorary citizenship with Puerto Rico because of all the work he did for Puerto Rico.

And when he was in Congress and sometimes he really takes that to heart and thinks he is Puerto Rican and he's not. And there are times where I'm like, okay, hold on. You're getting way too excited here. There's only room for one Latina in this marriage and you need to just pull it back a bit. So that is true. I'm an honorary Puerto Rican. And not that I'm not proud of that, I am. I had the plaque on my wall in my congressional office. But listen, I do think that I had to, because I didn't fight a lot in my family and I had to learn how to engage in these fights

and not to win fights, but I think to get my point across. And I wasn't getting my point through because I wasn't doing it well. And I had to learn how to do that better in our marriage. And I would disagree with you in classifying me as a Puerto Rican honoree hot husband. I would say I usually give— Yeah, that's true.

You usually— I'm giving you a hard time. You're right. I think you—I'm pretty—you might disagree with me of late, but I think I am easy easygoing and I don't, I let a lot of stuff go. I can get blamed for stuff. Um, I can, it can be my fault. I can take a lot of that at broad shoulders. I've been working out. Uh, but I, sometimes I'm like, damn it. No, I'm not going to take that one. And then I have to actually fight my way into, to go, Hey, this this is I don't think this one is fair. And listen, you're not unreasonable at all.

I think you there's there's reasons why you're you get to be annoyed and I can see why. Sometimes I I can I can run a little hot, but I would say that I have learned to fight more fairly and more productively through you. and more productively through you, through watching. And Sean's family, you know, because some family issues they had actually had therapy, you know, family therapy. And I think it was actually really beneficial. I think our marriage has benefited from the Duffy family therapy because I think you're a great communicator and maritally speaking especially. And I think that I've learned through that.

And maritally speaking, especially, and I think that I've learned through that is sometimes you have to learn how to do it in a productive way. And sometimes when I don't embrace the qualities that I brought to the marriage, you'll remind me to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not how we at the start of our marriage agreed that we were going to fight or engage and go back to those lessons that were learned early in your childhood from all the counseling. That wasn't with me. It was with older siblings, but what you learned. And so sometimes now you've embraced them and have to remind me to apply them in our fights.

So no doubt about that. And again, by the way, there is a healthy way to fight. There is a healthy way to disagree. In all marriages, there's going to be disagreement. There's going to be fights. healthy way to disagree. In all marriages, there's going to be disagreement. There's going to be fights. And I think in those times of peace in your marriage, you don't have to, don't relitigate your fight, but relitigate how you fought and try to set up guard rules. Try to figure out how can we be more productive? How can we not cross certain lines in our fights that both of us agree that

we're not going to cross? And how do we make points to each other in a way that, again, I was thinking, you don't have to agree with me and I don't have to agree with you, but I do want to see your point. I don't have to agree with the point, but I want to understand why you think the way that you do. And that means I have to listen to you. And one of my big things is like, I get frustrated if you don't let me finish a thought, like, let me finish what I'm saying, listen to it. and then I promise I'll shut up and listen to you say what you want. We'll have more of this conversation after this. This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. From November 25th to December 2nd, get 25% off everything on orders over $150 in Mejuri's biggest sale ever.

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Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in ontario experience a and w's classic breakfast on now dine in only until 11 a.m i think also like i i i think about how much time we do spend talking about whatever issue that we do have and trying to resolve it i think it's the most important thing is communication and that there's what I think I've brought to the marriage is like talking about stuff and not letting things, you know, not stepping it under the rug. I've met multiple people who, you know, are divorced or

getting divorced. And I would ask them, well, what's, what's the problem? And they would say, we never, that they, you know, did you fight all the time? We never fought would be the answer back. If you're not ever fighting or disagreeing in your marriage, I have to believe you're not actually communicating. Their sirens are going off. There are blaring lights. Because everyone in marriage is going to have disagreement and conflict and fights. And if you're not doing that, you're stuffing it down. And it will rise up.

It will come out in other ways. It totally will. Don't let that happen in your marriage. I agree with that. Okay. How important is it that you are married to someone who is caring and kind? I think it's probably the most important. It's pretty low on this woman's list.

I think it should be much higher on the list. I don't know if this list is by order of course. Well, because the flip side is kind of your heartless. And again, caring. Or rude. Right. Inconsiderate. And that's one thing that you do really well.

It's not just me. If our kids or your parents, anyone in your life is sick or going through a hard time, you'll be the first one to step up and say, I'm willing to help. What can we do? Let's figure this out. Or I'll get you chicken soup. I'll go to the store and make soup to make you feel better. Whatever it is of whatever someone's going through, you are always the first one to step up. You're very caring about everyone in your life. And that's a beautiful quality. I appreciate that. I think that what I would have put at the top of this list is respect and kindness. So that she has caring and kindness. I would say respect and kindness, that you need to respect the person that you're married

to or you're dating. And we started this with, you know, what women, that you're married to or, or, or, or you're dating. And when this, we started this with, you know, what, what women, whether they're married or not, uh, what men, whether they're married or not are looking for a woman. And I think, I think for men in particular, uh, that is a huge issue. Men want to be respected by the women that they're with. And I think that when a man is with a woman that respects him, I think that can be a very attractive thing.

Am I right about that? It is. And there's a lot of love that flows from men to a woman who respects them. And I think it's a lot harder to make that connection if they don't have respect. And by the way, it's also lot harder to make that connection if they don't have respect. And by the way, it's also the man's job. If you're not respected by the person that you're with, you got to demand it. Or by the way, you should have noticed that earlier in the relationship and probably not married that person because you do want someone who loves you, is going to care for you. And

you're right, is going to respect you. And the quality, listen, we all have really wonderful qualities and really kind of crappy qualities as human beings. And, you know, how do they oversee some of the negative, more negative qualities and see more of those positive qualities as you kind of engage in this relationship with each other? So yes, respect is key. Yeah. And I think that it's so important for in a relationship to be in a relationship where, I mean, I think about the whole purpose of being in a relationship, being in a marriage is to, you know, be with somebody who can help you become a better person. And that means that sometimes that other person is going to their purpose is like to let you see all the things that you're not doing well, hold up that mirror to you, help you see what you're not doing well. And that's not always easy to look at your negative sides,

but that is part of what, you know, the whole role of a relationship is, is, you know, I'm gonna be with somebody who's gonna hold me accountable, make me at times look at the parts of myself that I don't even like and hopefully change. You know, in Catholic marriage, we always talk about sanctification and that the purpose of marriage actually, you know, in addition to companionship and having children is to help each other get to heaven. And so part part of that means, you know, you got to look at each other's stuff and go, okay, this is not good. You got to work on this. Or maybe you just see the stuff that you're not doing well because you're seeing your spouse do it in a different way, in a better way. And you're like, well, I want to be up to you that I think you're not doing well, and I do it in a time that we're in a fight, or I do it out of anger, the ability for you to hear that from me is going

to be at zero. You would think that that's just coming from a place of anger to make a point in a fight. So if you want to talk about challenging someone to be better, to think about what they're doing that's not so great. You got to do it out of a place of respect and love and caring for that person at a time of peace. I look at some of the stuff I do. When I was in Congress, this would happen. And it's kind of happened at different points in my life. I'm like, I'm fighting and we're in arguments and disagreements with all these different people. And I think I'm right in all of them. And at one point you'd be like, well, listen, if you're fighting with, you know, this member of Congress or this staff on this committee and you're in an argument with leadership, maybe it's not always them. Maybe

you're doing something, you're not doing something right. Yeah, maybe it's me, right? And it's important to take a step back and go, really, is it me? What am I doing? Am I doing something here? And I think that's always important to be able to look at yourself about what am I doing? How am I behaving? And being open to some constructive, loving, caring criticism. Yeah, because it's sometimes really hard to see yourself. It's sometimes hard to admit that. But when you can hear it in a loving way from somebody who only wants the best for you, who only wants the language but yeah you need someone to be able to

say that to you to go okay well all right whoa okay yeah how do we how do we how do we realign so yeah that's I think that's a that's a good one which which kind of bred from respect really quick you know the this they talk this this matchmaker says that a lot of single people are focusing on the wrong things that in terms of like what they think a man wants. So they're focusing a lot on their academic achievement or they want to present themselves on social media as having this really exciting social life. Is that something that men care about, Sean? I don't think so. I mean, I guess. But this is a care about, Sean? I don't think so. Single men?

But first of all, this is a different time, right? The social media stuff is different than when we were dating. And by the way, I think a lot of that is fake. And we see that with our own kids. All these kids are taking pictures and trying to make things look so fun as opposed to making the social media universe think they're having a blast as opposed to just going and having fun and having that experience as opposed to trying to live it through a picture on Instagram or on TikTok. And so I do think, don't be fake. Listen, that's- Right. I was just going to say, I think the other point that I would add, the last point that I would add to the list. And again, I'm talking about it from the perspective of a woman, you know, their handbags or their, you know, they're presenting themselves in, you know, a certain, you know, as a certain status or, or how many

follows or have, or, or, you know, presenting their social media in a way it's just to get a lot of attention. I think that it may, a lot of people have been misguided and think that that will attract the right person. I believe that if you're being authentic, if you're being down to earth, there are really great men that are attracted to that. And so P.G. Keenan, who we did a podcast with as well. This week. We did one this week with her, which is a great one if you want to go back. Yeah, she made the good point about you're not dating just to date. You're dating to find a spouse, right? And for the most part, I agree with that with a small caveat. When you're 18 years old- Or she says you should be.

Wait a minute. She says you should be dating. She thinks people are just dating to pass time or to find hookups. Her point is you should be dating. The purpose of dating is to find a spouse. Yes. And I, like 90% of that statement, I agree with. But at 18, you're not looking necessarily for a spouse. You're maybe looking to date and maybe at 21, you are too. But at some point, as you get into your early mid twenties, you should be dating to find a spouse. And what I think I've heard a lot of people say this, they all wait, they wait, they prolong, and all of a sudden they're into their 30s. And a lot of the good people that they could have had dated and married, they're gone. Because the good guys, the good women, they get picked up early, right? They get snatched up by some other smart suitor out there. So don't be late to the game. The pool is large at 24

and at 25. It's a lot smaller at 35. So find someone, work at it. And if you're not working at it- Yeah, prioritize your love life. We say that all the time. Prioritize your love life. Spend some time thinking about what a woman wants, what a man wants, and do an assessment, you know, on what you're putting out there, what you to work on yourself because the better you are, the more whole you are, the less broken you are, the more, um, uh, the more open you are to being in an authentic relationship that's attractive to other people. And I think, I think that is attractive to people that you've worked on yourself. I think so too. And I think what's interesting is when, when you, you date, um, in your, whether it's in your late teens or your 20s, you're starting to see things that you like in a person and things you don't like in a person. So when you meet the right person, you know what you're actually looking for. You're not new to the dating game. Sometimes, by the way, people just have love. They've been dating since high school and they get married and they have long, happy marriages. But a lot of people don't have that.

A lot of people have that. There are some experiences where, you know, if you're dating, you're able to kind of learn what you do like and what you don't like. And it helps you be more focused on trying to find the right person for you to marry and start a life with, a family with, and a future with. So, yeah, I think that's all important. But you're right. Don't wait too long. Don't wait too long. It's an interesting conversation, Sean. I'm glad I waited till I was 25 or six to meet you because 27, something like that. Not, not, not, not as nice, not, not the greatest guys in, you know, right out of high school. So, but we always say if we

had met at 22, we probably wouldn't have dated. We probably wouldn't have been together. We met at the right time in our lives. We did. We've talked a lot about if we had dated online, I probably would have swiped through you. I don't know if you would have swiped through me, but it took a while for us to find love. It took you courting me for, I don't know,

four or five months before, um, well, I had to, I took the bait. I had to let you see that charming personality that was mine and they needed time to let that sink in. And then once it did, you're able to see through some of the more warty parts of my outer exterior. I had to get through, like I had a, I had to learn to appreciate the Midwest. And I did. I appreciate that. So this is a great topic. And I think, you know, as we come into the Fourth of July here, maybe you're going to be at a barbecue. Maybe you're going to meet the fireworks.

Maybe you're going over to some friend's house. Might be a great time, great place, a great weekend as you're celebrating America. You're celebrating freedom and you're celebrating freedom. Maybe you might find yourself finding your future. Interesting. Wow. Keeping up with mind. Yep. Dating, trying to find that Mr. Right or Mr. or Mr. Right or Mrs. Right will be the greatest adventure of your life. And so good luck to all of you who are single out there. of your life. And so good luck to all of you who are single out there. Uh, and I hope these, this conversation helps you put things in perspective and get out there and prioritize your love life, find love, um, because it makes the life journey a lot better.

And if you're married, um, some, some good tips to go, how do I, how do I be more productive as I, as I navigate the arguments and disagreements and fights that I have with my spouse? as I navigate the arguments and disagreements and fights that I have with my spouse. So it's, yeah, make it better. I love it. I do too. Listen, thank you all for joining us. I hope you have, again, a great 4th of July weekend.

If you like our podcast, you can rate, review, subscribe. Wherever you get your podcasts, you can go to foxnewspodcast.com. Rachel and I would love if you would subscribe. Why subscribe, Rachel? Well, if you subscribe, then you will get an alert. You get alerts. Every time a new podcast drops.

That's right. You'll get an alert for every podcast we drop Wednesday, Thursday, and Fridays. Hopefully in the next couple months, you're going to get us five days a week. But for the summer, we're just doing three. We still need some kid time. They're home for the summer. Bye, everybody. just doing three. We still need some kid time. They're home for the summer. Bye, everybody. Bye-bye.

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