From the Kitchen Table: The Duffys - Q&A With the Duffys: Lent, Learning & Love

Episode Date: February 24, 2024

From Lent to Love, the Duffys are discussing all your questions in today's Q&A! Sean and Rachel discuss what they're giving up for Lent, the things that have been hardest to sacrifice in the past, and how this season strengthens their faith. Follow Sean & Rachel on Twitter: @SeanDuffyWI & @RCamposDuffy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Campos Duffy. Sean, it is so great to be here, even though we're separated today. I know I'm over in South Carolina right now because we're going to film Fox and Friends. We're going to do the show right here in South Carolina because of the big primary, which appears to be a blowout for Donald Trump. And then I'm heading off to Arizona to do some reporting for Fox and Friends on the border. So we're a little separated, but our topics are, well, at least some of them are still about love, Sean. Oh, love across the airwaves. I like it. I like it.

Yeah. So we're going to, listen, I came across a very interesting article and study about finding love versus creating marriage. And it really kind of synthesized what you and I have been talking about in terms of how to have a great marriage. And it just did a really great job of articulating some of the things we've been talking about. So I want us to unpack that. Finding love versus creating marriage. These are two different things. And if you want a great

relationship, a great marriage, a long lasting marriage, you got to understand the difference and how to create a great marriage. There's some tips in there. A lot of them match up with ours. So I thought we're going to unpack that. But before that, we're going to do some of your questions because they were really great this week. And some of them have to do with Lent. I have a couple of questions on Lent. So Sean, you know, last week was Ash Wednesday. We're in the Lenten season. Kids and I are praying the rosary before you even get home because I'm afraid if we wait for you, they might fall asleep. So we start before you get there and then we do a quicker prayer when you get home from the bottom line. But the question here is, what are you giving up? This is a pretty basic one. There's a little other ones as well. This one is, what are you giving up for Lent? What

are the kids giving up for Lent? What's going on? Yeah. So we always think about Lent oftentimes and what are we going to give up? But there's another philosophy that you can give something up or you can try to be more intentional about something else. And so I've been more intentional on my prayer life and with the kids. And we talk a lot about sometimes religion and faith can become feminized in homes if men don't step up and lead. And we go through this balance in our home. Sometimes I'm not there. Sometimes you're not there. But I've been trying to be more forceful.

Even if you pray before I come home at night and do a rosary before I get home, I make sure we will do the Our Father and the Hail Mary before the kids go to bed. Oftentimes we'll go around and ask the kids what they're thankful for, what they're grateful for. My mom's been sick recently, and we've prayed for her every night as well. So it's a time still that we come together, and it might not be as long as a rosary, but it is time that we're spending. So I just try to be more thoughtful about my prayer life over the Lenten season. How about you? I really like that, John. And I think it is true that a lot of times women, I don't know why it is, maybe this women are more open and sensitive and in many ways, just more open to

religion. And I would say I grew up in a home where my mom was definitely the leader in terms of spirituality. That's not to say that my dad wasn't a faithful Catholic or spiritual, but he kind of took a backseat to my mom. And one of the things I do love about, you know, sometimes you just take what your family gives you, right? What you're inherited in terms of what you see in your own family. And if you're intentional about it, you can duplicate it, but even at times improve it and make it better. And I do like that you have taken that role on and you're trying to be more intentional about it even this length. I think that's important. I think it's important for boys um to see men leading faith um otherwise they see faith

faith and religion feminized and uh sometimes they can reject it so again that so i've been thoughtful on that how about you though what have what have you done uh this lens so my my lent is So my my Lent is I'm trying not to be too hard on myself because it's been a slow ramp. So I my goal this Lent has been to increase my sense of discipline, both in my spiritual life, which that part is going well. going well, but I feel like discipline in all aspects of your life can improve the most important aspect of your life, which is your spiritual life. So it's interesting. Like, I feel like I'm on a roll spiritually. I'm doing some good reading. I'm praying with the kids and doing my own stuff.

But I just, the idea of being more disciplined in my, the way I care for my body, like I've been saying, been working out, but I know I need to get up early. And I thought, okay, this Lent will be the incentive that I have to get up early and work out before the kids and Sean wake up. And I've done it one time since Lent has started. And it's just, wow, I'm realizing my own weakness. The flesh is weak. And the other is I've been trying to be more measured with my green time, in particular during the time that the kids are back from school. And that also has been really eye opening for me, like, trying to make sure I'm not on the phone when they're there, I realized how much I do get on the phone to read an article or because somebody texted me something and I want to get it off my plate and reply back to them. And I can't really turn it off because Sean is, is gone and he might need me or something. So that's been like something I'm still juggling. I've actually been thinking about it and going, okay, like I've been hard on myself, Sean. And I've been like this, it's not going as well in

that department as I like. And as I know it should be. And by the way, I've noticed like this, it's not going as well in that department as I like. And as I know it should be. And by the way, I've noticed that you have been more intentional and on your phone less. And just one thing about Rachel, and it's a beautiful quality and it's a horrible quality. When she focuses on something, she just does that one thing and she zones everything out around her. So if she's reading an article or writing a tweet or reading whatever you're reading and you say something to her, she doesn't hear you. And there's countless fights that you and I have gotten over. No, no, no, Sean.

I don't think we have fought about more things. It's like the thing we fight about the most is I do not hear what, and it's not just you. It's what the kids, even Will and Pete on the couch have noticed this. If I'm into something, it's weird. Like there's something wrong with my brain.

I can't hear what somebody's saying to me because I am hyper-focused. And so you're right. That's a problem with the phone. You can see my lips moving and I'm talking you. And it's like, there's like, there's like blank stare. So that is important because you know what we can always say that, that my work, my job, you know, the phone is necessary for those things. You can always say that. And I think that's a sign of an addict, by the way, too. At some point, you can put it down. It's designed to addict you, Sean. The machine is literally engineered to make you addicted. And there's no question that I've noticed as I've tried to wean yourself off of your phone, even during a period of time, how often I'll pick it up just to check on something.

And boy, if that something is something that I'm engaged in, or I feel like I have to return it, it takes my attention away. And this is, I think, actually the hardest thing I'm having to work on during Lent. And I'm hoping it's called addiction. Addiction. I want to model it better for the kids, too. It's not easy when you're trying to rid yourself of addiction. It's really hard. So we appreciate your effort, honey. Okay. So let's go to this. Um, someone asked us again, this, we had some Lent questions. So, uh, what is the hardest thing that you ever gave up in,

in Lent? And, but can I say one, I want to, before we do that, I want to make one other comment. So I saw the questions come in for today's podcast on Lent, and I'm like, oh, shoot, it's Friday. And you made bone broth a couple days ago, and it's been sitting there for three days. And by the way, bone broth is fantastic. And I flippin' had bone broth before I came into the studio. Were there pieces of meat in it? Not many.

Does it count? No, not much. It's still a broth. It's not really meat. Yeah, I don't know. It's not really meat. It's just broth. If we're technical, I think they threw a flag on my play. And again, you got to wake up and go, it's Friday. And I just, this is my day. Got to wait. I'm like, I'm going to have your bone broth. And anyway, which goes to the point of striving for perfection

doesn't mean you're always perfect. And like, even you talked about your ramp up, you know, even those Catholics who are out there or not Catholic, if you want to participate, you may not be perfect for the first week or the first, you know, 10 days, but you have 40 days of Lent. You can strive for perfection in, you know, whether you're going to try to do something or give something up. And I think that's really important just because you make an error or a mistake, or you haven't been perfect in, in what you've done. Uh, there's, you know, don't, don't be discouraged to start at this moment, this day, this hour to, to, to continue on your effort in doing something that reminds us of our faith

and Christ's sacrifice. Yeah. It's important to remember why we're doing it. You know, Jesus was in the desert for 40 days. This is our small sacrifice. And yeah, I have been really disappointed in myself. So the question was, what's the hardest thing that you've ever done for Lent? And I would have said before this Lent, it was when I gave up chocolate. Um, cause Sean knows how much I love chocolate and that was really hard for me. And it wasn't just chocolate. I gave up chocolate and dessert. So I didn't have any chocolate or dessert. And that was really hard. But I have to say, Sean, this is harder. And this had a parameter like it was literally from the time the kids come home until they go to bed. And I'm struggling with just that, which tells me a lot more about my addiction and also like how I'm modeling

it for the kids, like not really good. So yeah, I'm going to, I'm going to not beat myself up over it, but I do, I do want to hold myself accountable for having failed and, and I, and I'm not doing a good job. So this, so mine was, it was probably 15 years ago when we were in Ashland, father Joseph, when we were going down to mass right South of Ashland. We were in Ashland, Father Joseph, when we were going down to Mass right south of Ashland. And I love coffee.

I drink coffee all the time. And I'm like, you know what? I'm going to give up coffee. And I did. And it was the hardest, kind of worst thing that I had, I think, ever done. And at that point, I didn't realize that you get a reprieve on Sunday that you, I could have had coffee on Sundays. And so I went, I went straight through the whole 40 days without any coffee. Now I will note that I, I did, I did a lumberjack show and there was this thing there where they were giving away Red Bull. I never had Red Bull. They gave me a case of Red

Bull for free. And I did have a few Red Bulls. So I don't think, I don't think that's necessary. I'm not going to throw a flag on that play, but when I was really tired, I would have some Red Bull, but yeah, I gave him coffee. Liquid caffeine. That was liquid caffeine. There's no caffeine in that, but I didn't do caffeine. I did coffee and I stuck to it all 40 days. So that was, that was really hard for me. And again, sometimes the harder it is, the more meaningful it is as well. Yeah, there's no question about that. By the way, for those who are Catholic, I didn't know until I was an adult that Sundays are considered feast days for us, right?

So Sundays of Lent, you actually are allowed to break your fast or your penance during Lent. And so I didn't know that until I was into my adulthood, well into my adulthood. I think I was in my 40s when I figured that one out. So I know if you're not Catholic, you kind of are probably chuckling at all the rules us Catholics have. But that is part of our discipline. We have a spiritual discipline. That's part of what we do. And we also have traditions and, and, and, and giving up something for Lent is, um,

is definitely one of those. Sean, can I ask you before we move on from Lent, what would be, you used to be a beer drinker. Um, now you don't drink beer as much, but back in the day, would it have been harder for you to give up coffee or beer? Oh, coffee for sure. But by the way, I want to be really clear. I have not cashed in my man card. I love beer. I love beer.

You don't get as much as you used to when you were younger. Oh, I don't because it makes you fat. You drink something with age and, and drinking beer. It just, I'm like, I wear the, I, I, it's like liquid fat around my, around my waist, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry though. In the summer still I'll go.

And if, yeah, anyway, I've, I've, I've found some better than even I'm not a beer drinker, but if the day is hot enough, it's in the summer and you're at the lake, nothing tastes better. So if you really are a beer drinker, I can understand that. By the way, I don't have any rules around my beer drinking. When I do it, I'll put ice in a glass and pour my beer in the ice and drink it. I like it really cold. And some people get disgusted by that and And they'll say it dilutes it. I don't care.

Iced cold beer. There's nothing better. But again, I got to keep you around. Well, I got to keep you around. So, you know, I can't be drinking beer and getting, you know, pudgy. I, you know, got to keep mama in the saddle. All right. Keep her around. Okay. That's fine. No, no, no mama in the saddle. All right. Keep her around.

Okay. That's fine. No, no, no. I appreciate it. No, listen. You can't kick me on the table. You cannot kick me on the table because we're not at the same table. No, I totally.

No, no, no. There's nothing to kick on the table. I agree with you completely on that. And I think that, you know, we're going to talk a little bit about marriage in just a little bit. And that's, I definitely think, you know, we're going to talk a little bit about marriage in just a little bit. And that's I definitely think, you know, keeping it together, not letting yourself totally go is good for your marriage. So I'm a fan of that. No question about it. We'll be back with much more after this.

The housing crisis in the GTA has reached a critical point with more than two and three residents being affected. Reporting that almost nine million Canadians are living in food insecure households. Over one million people in the GTA now live below the poverty line. We're just out today. Mental health support is the number one reason people are calling 211 for a At United Way, we wake up to a different alarm every day. Help us end poverty and build a better GTA any way we can. Donate today at unitedwaygt.org. Here's a question. Somebody said earlier this week, y'all talked about how public schools were instilling media and instilling biased, quote, media literacy programs. Why do

you believe classical schools are better for children? So I love this question. Before I give you the answer to that, I want to say something that I just saw today. And that was it was breaking news. It said that Trump just voiced his support, strong support for American homeschooling families and proposed a tax credit for ten thousand dollars per child being homeschooling families and proposed a tax credit for $10,000 per child being homeschooled. That would absolutely revolutionize homeschooling, Sean. Hopefully that's a voucher that you can take to a private or a classical school as well. But that is something that would definitely make people who care about education and care about breaking up the cartel unions that we have running our school system and the

indoctrination. That would be a great thing for homeschool. And I believe in homeschooling. There's lots of, by the way, homeschool classical homeschool programs that people are on. I don't think I would be the best homeschool teacher. I love sending my kids to this, although I see a lot of benefits in terms of family life, for sure, in homeschooling. In that way, I think it's absolutely superior. I have a very busy life because of my job and Sean's. And so this classical school we send our kids to has been remarkable. And so the question then is, you know, why do I believe they're better for kids? Well, I think there was a lot of thought that went into the classical standard of education.

And a lot of times they call it great books curriculum. And so the curriculum is based around classical literature that has stood the test of time. And I love that way of thinking. And there's also a lot of critical thinking. Our kids who are in high school, for example, are taught in the Socratic method, which means that they're in a small seminar form. They have to read before class. They have a teacher. And a lot of this is, you know, back and forth, critical thinking questions, the teacher challenging them. In other words, Sean, it's about not what to think, which is what I think happens in a lot of public schools, but just how to think, how to work through whatever the ideas are that are presented in the class. We have, you know, our kids will come home talking about things like virtue. What makes a virtuous society?

What makes a good leader? What kind of characteristics should a leader have? And a lot of this is based on things they learned about Aristotle and Socrates. And like, you know, they go into Greek mythology and then they study Thomas Aquinas. into Greek mythology and then they study Thomas Aquinas and they're just getting this richness of sort of the best through Western civilization, the best through the ages. And it's been, it's stood the test of time. And I know Sean and I just feel really jealous a lot of times when we look at what our kids are being fed intellectually versus what we got in our sort of standard public for Sean and just sort of mediocre blah private school.

I was going to agree with you. Simply put it, they're educating enlightening young minds in these, if you get in the right private school catholic school classical school where it's complete indoctrination in the public school um and it can be very dangerous um in the public school it's not and it's just not that you're not they're not getting a great education all these ideas whether it's about climate change and every year they study the science of climate change and then then the transgender and all these social issues, they have no place in the school system. It's the main driver of the public school system. So, again, I'm amazed at the enlightenment that my kids are getting with what they're reading, the kind of instruction that they get.

And so, hands down, it's fantastic. And just, I mean, so Donald Trump, a tax credit for, if you're kind of wondering how this goes, a tax credit is you can write $10,000 off of your tax bill when it comes due. A deduction is, you know, you'd be able to write off $10,000 off your tax bill. So this is actually, you pay $10,000 less in taxes. So this is great. But even with a classical school, private school, you don't get to deduct that from your taxes. That's after tax dollars that you pay for a classical school or a Catholic school. And it would be nice if we had leadership that would somehow support parents who, one, they're paying their property taxes for the public school and then paying out of pocket for a private school trying to get their

kids a better education. We need better policies in every state, and every state has a lot of control over this, but better federal policies that are going to support families that don't want their kids indoctrinated with left-wing politics in the public school system. And so this is a great start for Donald Trump. Love that he said that, Rachel, but I hope he goes a lot further. I hope, you know, Chris Ruffo is the Secretary of Education. Yeah, well, wouldn't that be amazing? They'll lose. I'm not sure they'll get confirmed, but he would be great. You need someone like that who understands education

and forcefully driving changes that are necessary to make education work for the American student. Yeah. You know, again, I think about the kinds of literature, and I put that in quotes, at so many public schools, a lot of it, some of it even pornographic, some of it just, again, like not, these are indoctrinating books, books that are meant to change, to challenge the value system as opposed to challenge their minds. But it's really about taking and separating your child. And a lot of times we talk about the negative things that are happening in public schools, totally age inappropriate sex ed books, this, that, the way Planned Parenthood and other groups have embedded themselves into these public schools, but we don't talk enough about what is so great. So, I mean, I just was thinking about the books that my kids, I mean, my first graders reading,

you know, when they were in first grade, they read Little House in the Big Woods. They're reading the Chronicles of Narnia, Charlotte's Web, Pinocchio, The Little Pilgrim's Progress, Winnie the Pooh, Peter Pan. You know, you just go through it this robin hood treasure island uncle tom's cabin old man by the sea you know these are all things that they're getting so it's not always just about it's what they're not getting because you know what it is this is

a replication theory this is a replication of what some of the greatest minds learned in the history of some of the greatest leaders. This is the kind of education that they received. There's this new theory on education, which involves indoctrination. Not sure how that's going to work out for the kids who go through that education system. They probably will not be able to even get a job. They don't know, you know, basic history. But again, going to what our forefathers had done that has been very successful in enlightening minds and creating free thinkers, that's what you get in a classical school. So, all right, Rachel, let's move on to this because someone

wanted to get our thoughts on this social media post. And I'll let you set it up a little more. But this is a mom who posted a letter, a note that she left for her babysitter where she said, when the baby's sleeping, there's a few extra chores I'm going to give you the option to do. And if you do them, I'm going to pay you this amount. do them, I'm going to pay you this amount. And she posted it and wanted to get feedback of what people thought about this note, this letter that she left for the babysitter. And this has taken the internet by storm, social media by storm. And you all asked, what did we think about asking the babysitter to do a few extra chores for a few extra dollars. What's our thoughts? So, Rachel, I don't know if I missed anything.

I don't have the letter in front of me. But just by the way, we also had touched on this in the bottom line as well. It's a fascinating story and the kind of interest that it's had in reaction from so many people. Yeah, people had a lot of opinions. So she would say, you know, if you want to sweep this, if you organize this area, if you, you know, empty the dishwasher, I'll pay you this much or that much. Okay, so I have a lot of thoughts. Yeah, you can clean out the fridge. I mean, boy, that's like my favorite chore to give the kids because I love when the fridge gets cleaned out.

I never have time to do it. And I do actually pay my kids a little extra, or I offer them some sort of reward if they clean out the fridge. So, okay. I have a lot of thoughts on this, Sean, because my, I was a babysitter. I think that's why I have a lot of kids. I like kids. I grew up babysitting. That was my main source of income. When I was a kid, my parents didn't buy me clothes. They just, it was like, if you wanted extra clothes, and if you want to close that, like, and they knew I wanted nicer clothes, that was on you. So every Friday and Saturday night, I babysat during the summer, I babysat,

I loved making money babysitting. And I wanted to be the person that they wanted the most to babysit these families that would call me that I just kind of did these things like I, you know, if I saw there was a laundry basket with clothes in it, I would just fold it. I always left the kitchen and the living room, which is the main areas that I was in better than I found it. And I just consider that part of my job. I get that, you know, maybe times have changed and it's much harder to get a babysitter these days if you need one. And so I love this. I think it's entrepreneurial. She made it clear, like, I don't want you, I want you watching the kid first. But once they go to bed, I mean, you just are sitting there watching TV or on your phone. If you want to make extra money, here you go. I love it. And I couldn't believe that people were critical of it. Like there were some people that said, well, I think you should have offered more for cleaning out the

fridge. Okay. But there were also other people that just didn't think this was appropriate. So listen, again, I love your take because you were a babysitter. I don't think anyone in my 10, 12, 14 year range wanted to leave me with their kids. But that's a different story. I think this is a you know, a simple offer with a simple, you know, option to take it up. And if the babysitter doesn't like the price, doesn't like the job, they can just babysit the kids and sit around and watch TV when the baby goes to sleep and not make any extra money. But the go-getter kid, it's like, you know, listen, you know, some things I think I'm getting a great, you know, pay for, unload the dishwasher, but I don't want to unload the fridge. You can pick and choose.

You have a menu of things you can do to make extra cash while the parents are out. So I love the opportunity to make more money with no obligation to do it. But to your point, Rachel, if you had the little go-getters out there, they would go, you know what? I know the mom wants this done in the house. I'm going to do it because I want her to call me next time to babysit for her kids because I was really attentive to what she would have liked to have done. And again, being a great worker gets you more work. And that's a great lesson as a babysitter that also applies to life itself. I also got tips, Sean. I also got tips, Sean.

I also got tips. So if the mom and dad came home and, you know, everything looked kind of sparkly and nice, when they would drive me home, I, you know, just my favorite part of the night was getting into my house and counting how much money I got. So who are better tippers? If moms or dads, if moms paid you versus dads paid you, who are better tippers? Is there a gender breakdown of who might give a little extra cash? You're like, oh, you know, the mom is paying me. I wish the dad was because I get more from the dad or vice versa.

Or no correlation between moms and dads? I don't know because I don't know if the mom gave the dad the money and then the dad drove me home or the mom drove me home. I don't know. I honestly, I don't know, but I could tell that like, first of all, like I, there were certain families that paid more. One of them, they, they lived, I loved when they called me, they were lawyers. I think the dad was a lawyer.

I don't remember what the mom, but they were just great tippers. And I could tell that my tips were commensurate with how well, you know, and tidy everything looked. I think they just really, they didn't expect it of me, but they just noticed that I had that extra, you know, whatever, you know, and I, and, and probably the people that babysat for them, when I couldn't, didn't do that. So they like extra special liked me because of that. And, and I don't know, I just, I loved babysitting. And I love getting this. So this whole idea, like, I would have been down with this. Um, but, but now in our house, we don't hire babysitters much because we have a lot of older kids who are there. And we kind of consider it sort of part of the family deal.

But I do pay my kids extra when they do things above and beyond. So cleaning out the fridge, I will sometimes pay them or I'll say, if you guys clean out the fridge, we can make cookies after or I can do stuff like that or like every spring we clean out the garage and I do pay the kids to help me do that. So I'm down with that. But there's been times also where they're like

I'll clean my room and you're going to pay me how much? We're like, well, this has gone too far. No, no, no. There's no payment for it. You don't get paid for doing what you're supposed to do. Get your butt up there and clean the room. That's right. That's right. It's above and beyond stuff. Okay. Let's, let's go to the topic you teased at the start of the

show, Rachel. This, this, this article that came out on a study on marriage. Right. So this is the, the Institute for Family Studies, which I love. I just love this site. I've been going to it for years. The author, one of the main people who works there is Brad Wilcox, and he has a book coming out that sort of, I think it's called Get Married. It's all about marriage. And they do so many great studies on on it i do encourage people to go to that website um but this is about the difference between finding love versus creating marriage and sort of also these cultural myths we've created about you know soulmates and i believe you're my soulmate sean and i would i would say that i i have said it if somebody believe you're my soulmate, Sean. And I would say that I have said it.

If somebody said, who's your soulmate? I would say Sean Duffy, of course. But I also think that at least this article, I agree with this article when it says that that idea of a soulmate has a downside. And the downside of it is that it presumes like, okay, so you and I are soulmates, then this marriage is obviously meant to be, should just be great from here on out. And that's a very lazy, they call it low engagement ways of approaching marriage. And high engagement means that you're doing things, you're mindfully trying to spend more time together, do acts of kindness for one another to sort of, you know, show your affection. You're willing to forgive offenses quickly. And also that you engage in a lot of relationship maintenance. And I want to unpack relationship maintenance because you and I have talked a lot about it. We haven't named it that, but we talk about that as being one of the keys to our marriage, which I think is, it's going on 25 years and we still love each other, which I think makes it very successful. So versus low engagement, which I think is, you know, it's going on 25 years and we still love each other, which I think makes it very successful. Um, so versus low engagement, which is just sort of

assuming like, it's just going to be fine. Um, because, you know, and, and what they've, and they've measured happiness levels. So people who are just, you know, are depending on whether if they measure their, the success of their marriage by just how happy they feel at a moment in time in their relationship, this article saying that's not a very good way to measure whether your marriage is going well, because we all have ups and downs. And so, um, I can unpack more of it, Sean, but I want to just sort of get your initial thoughts. Yeah. So I, I do like the idea of, um, of do like the idea of your soulmate, right, and the problem with that. Because it's true. It makes it seem like it's going to be easy because we're soulmates.

Everything in our marriage, everything in our life, everything that we do together is going to be so sweet and perfect and rainbows and unicorns, you know, and sunny skies. Well, you can have a soulmate. I think you're my soulmate as well, but it's going to always take work and maintenance. And I like that to make sure, because again, if you go in and go, this is my soulmate and things don't go great, you're like, well, oh gosh, I thought he was my soulmate, but it's not going so well. And I guess maybe they weren't. I misjudged that my soulmate's actually somewhere else out there. Well, actually, that might not be the problem. This still may be your soulmate, but you got to work with them and you got to tend the garden of your relationship. And I do like that distinction. And again, it means that all relationships are work. All marriages are work

and you got to put time into it and thought into it and especially when it gets to be a little bit rocky, taking a step back and going, I want to invest in this because you know what? This is the most important relationship that I have in my life and if this doesn't go well,

a lot of things will fall apart and there'll be a lot of hardship in your life. And if this doesn't go well, a lot of things will fall apart. And there'll be a lot of hardship in your life if you don't figure out this relationship with your spouse. And therefore, it's really meaningful. And that means it's worthy of significant investment. More time than you spend on your stock portfolio, more time even than you spend on your kids, you need to spend on thinking about the relationship and how well it's going with your spouse. Sean, yes, I think the primary relationship you talk about is the most important. The health of the family, the kids all depend on that primary relationship being healthy. And so it has to be the primary focus.

And when that relationship is healthy, then everything else flows from it. But I want to go back to this idea of a soulmate. I want to read you something from the article. So I think it was really well stated. It says, the notion of soulmate marriage has elevated how much our culture today deeply values the fruits of a good marriage, which are love and happiness. the fruits of a good marriage, which are love and happiness. But these beliefs have also contributed to how our culture is increasingly disconnecting the fruits from the true roots that make that possible. Flourishing marriages are true partnerships in which the spouses are devoted to creating a shared life together that is deeper than the emotional payoff of the marriage.

This view of marriage, this view of marriage gives us more than feelings of happiness. It helps make our lives rich and meaningful. And so I want to talk a little bit about what they say are these engaged, responsible behaviors, these behaviors that show that you're engaged in the marriage, that you're really active in trying to deepen that relationship so that then you can get the fruits of it, which are happiness. And so it says spending time together. Do we spend, do we make regular time to just be together and just focus on us? And I think we do that.

Sean, I think you're really the driver of that. We've talked about that before in our marriage, that you're really good about, you know, making sure that, especially when it comes to, you know, going out to dinner, going on trips, you really take the lead on that. And I really appreciate that because I'm not as good about carving out that time, but we make time every day to, you know, have coffee together. Um, after the kids go to bed, we spend time talking together and unpacking our day. I think those moments are really important acts of kindness. Do we regularly do acts of random kindness for each other? I think that's also super important and it doesn't have to be these big grand gestures. It's like making someone a cup of coffee, you know, knowing that they're

going to start, I'm going to start at the car before you even know I started the car. Cause then you're going to leave and it's going to be warm. And, and you know what, it's both things happen. It's nice. It's little gestures are nice for each other. And then also recognizing the nice gesture that your spouse did for you. Oh, gosh, that was so nice. Thoughtful. Thank you. By the way, can I say one of this?

So we have coffee every morning, usually every morning. And our days get kind of busy and hectic. And we're around each other. And we're prepping or doing things. But sometimes, and this goes back to your Lenten issue, sometimes you do a lot of prep and you'd like to be well-informed and sometimes your podcasts are playing or you're reading something

and I'll be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And then you're like, you're not talking to me anyway or you're not talking to me. So I'm listening to a podcast. I'm like, but I am hearing this. So we'll actually get into little tiffs about that. But I think it's important because we're both trying to go, hey, it's a thoughtful process. Are we spending enough time together?

Can we have more time? Is there more things to discuss? And by the way, it's not always like, so how's our relationship? How are you feeling? No. No. We'll talk about politics, our family. We'll talk about, I'll try to get you to talk about our investments, which you'll fall asleep at even in the morning.

When you wake up with a cup of coffee, you'll fall asleep. A lot of things are, you know, what our kids are doing, what we're reading, all kinds of things we talk about and go over, like whatever's on our mind. So it's not some like relational review every morning over coffee. It's just, we're spending time together sharing thoughts. Yeah. Those are the, I agree with that. The other thing they talk about Sean is, you know, are you able to be quick to forgive when someone makes a mistake, when someone, you know,

accidentally offends you or, or intentionally offends you. And so I think that kind of grace is really important. And you are, I've always, you are great at that. You're listening. You, you are the, you, you, you burn hot and then you actually cool down and are, and are very quick to forgive. I'm a little slower burn. That's one thing I can learn a little better from you. I do hold the Irish grudge a little bit, which is, and it's not a funny thing. It's not a good thing.

But sometimes I get annoyed and I get angry and then I'm like, I'm holding the grudge and then I'm not saying anything. And you're like, okay, enough, stop. Okay, let's talk this out. We all can do better in these categories and worse in these categories compared to our spouse. And Rachel gets the gold medal on kindness and forgiveness more so than me. Yeah, usually if we get in a fight, the first person to go, let's talk about it is me.

Is you. But if I say, let's talk about it, that never never recorded as a, let's talk about it first. Like I never get credit for the things I, when I talk first, but, but you do usually say, let's talk about it before I do. That is, that is true. Okay. Do you want to fight now? You can't kick me. Okay. And this is the fourth one in this category of engagement is one that I think is really important. And this article calls it relationship maintenance. We work on our relationship and tell each other what we want or need. And so this is the deep conversation that you're saying. So yeah, we don't normally do this every day over coffee, but I would say we talk about our relationship a lot. We unpack it a lot and we try to get ahead of things as well. So, like, if something happened that, you know, really rubbed me the wrong way, I'm going to try.

And I've learned over time, 25 years married now, that timing is everything. I'm going to try and find a time that we're not angry at each other, not in the middle of a fight, but to go, hey, remember when that thing happened? It really, this is how it made me feel. I didn't like that, you know, that you said this or you did this. And trying to talk about it when you're not angry at each other i think is really positive and allows you to sort of i guess dispassionately without all the emotion work through why you did what you did why i reacted the way i did when you're in the middle of a fight it's just too hard and it's gotten to the point where i've even like even if we're in the middle of a fight, it's just too hard. And it's gotten to the point where I've even like, even if we're in the middle of a fight and I think about like another part of the fight about like something I want to add, because it reminds me of something else that happened.

I'm learning with my old age to just bite my tongue and wait, because if that really matters to me, I guarantee it's not going to be resolved in this fight. So just, you know, put it on the back burner and try and, and discuss it. But again, you see people who spend a lot of time, you know, strategizing on their careers, strategizing on, you know, their finances, strategizing on a lot of things, or just spending time on a lot of different things in their life. You know, there's a lot of people who spend a lot of time making sure that, you know, all their kids are in 20,000 different sporting activities, you know, or they're spending a lot of time on. I mean, there's just myriad of ways that people spend their time. So here's the key.

I mean, there's just myriad of ways that people spend their time. So here's the key. If this is the most important thing in your life, you better spend time on the maintenance of this relationship. So here's one of the benefits of relationship maintenance. So if you maintain your relationship, you actually work through the problems that you have, right? Like I need something from you. I want something from you. You're doing this to offend me. Um, or this is annoying me, whatever those things are, if we're able to, whether it's in, you know, through a

fight or then through the conversation after to resolve that, usually it doesn't come up again in a fight because we dealt with it. But we have this problem too. And, and to a, to a limited extent, cause we usually deal with stuff, but the stuff that hasn't been resolved comes back. You can be fighting about something completely different. And as you just mentioned in that fight that you're having, you know, right now you're thinking about something else that you were angry about that you could throw into this fight, right? And you've with age, try not to do that, but because it's not resolved and you're still angry about it, all of a sudden, that's why, you know, these, these couples can all of a sudden have a small fight that is blowing up into these massive

arguments and fights and everything. The kitchen sink is coming in, which is why resolve the stuff, talk about it, come to a resolution, forgive, and hopefully it's behind you. And the next fight, this is never going to come up again for you because it's in the past. And by the way, you're really good at this. When I tell you things that I need or I want or that's not working well, you've actually worked really hard to go, I'm going to try to do those things. And, and, you know, I mean, to varying degrees, but you, you, you've listened to me and try to, you know, if I'm being reasonable, make moderate changes to go, okay, I'll make, I can make those concessions. Or sometimes you're like, I'm sorry, I'm not going to do that. That's not going to work for me. But normally we find a resolution for both of our

wants and needs. And that's really important to have a healthy relationship. And you're right. It comes back to maintenance. And by the way, I actually like you. I love you. Right. And so to sit and talk about our marriage is not a big, like, that's not like a lot of hard work for me. I don't like, oh, we got to sit and talk about our marriage. We have to maintain our marriage now, Rachel.

It's kind of a constant thing that comes up because we actually like each other, like to be married to each other. We like to get along. We got a lot of kids together. There's a lot of moving parts. And so I think that's really positive, especially when if someone's married to their soulmate, it's a really not painful thing to do with the person that you love. We'll have more of this conversation after this. Breaking news happens anywhere, anytime.

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Yeah, and I think, again, that focusing on, you know, they say, like, in this article, they say couples that make time to go out to eat together, to spend time alone together, their marriages register as stronger based on all this criteria. But also there's study after study after study about families that are, you know, go to church together, that share faith together, that pray together. are, you know, go to church together, that share faith together, that pray together. I mean, the stats on divorce for families who pray together, it's like, it's like they never get divorced. It's crazy. Like people, and I wish I could find it. I was just looking at some that this was not in this article was a different one that I

had read. But, you know, couples that go to church together, couples that pray together have the lowest, um, divorce rates and the highest levels of marital satisfaction as well. So, I mean, these are things that, you know, I wish that our society talked more about, because these are, these are really powerful tools for keeping your marriage strong, keeping it alive. For us, I wish we could go to dinner more, and we try to. I think it's a great idea to be able to go together. But with my schedule, I'm Monday through Friday, and you're Saturday and Sunday and need to go to bed early.

So we do it, but we don't do it as much as I think we would like. But again, we find then other ways to, to, to fill those gaps. But again, for, for couples that can do it, going on a date night, even going to a movie, going to, going to go, going out to eat and spending time together is, is fantastic. And, and really healthy. And that just, we, we do things differently because we have to, because of our schedule and so many kids, but I think we get the same result but schedule again i love the bonginos they go they do date night um once a week yeah i mean i we're trying now to go once a week uh a couple times a month for me to go in

to work with you so then we can stay i can stay after we can go after your show um i found the stat sean that i was talking to you about before we can stay, I can stay after and we can go after your show. I found the stat, Sean, that I was talking to you about before we go, because I think it's just, I think it's so wonderful. 50% of American marriages end in divorce. That's a fact. I think it's actually a little higher than that. The divorce rate for devout Catholic couples who attend weekly mass is 3%. Wow, that's a great stat. It's an amazing stat. Devout Catholic couples who attend weekly mass is 3%. Wow. That's a great stat. It's an amazing stat. Devout Catholic couples who attend mass weekly 3%.

I'm sure that's duplicated, you know, in Protestant marriages as well. But I think the idea is there and praying together, going to mass together, finding really foundational things that unite you. And, Sean, we've talked about that in dating as well. The best, what you want is to share values. And that's why we say politics matters because politics is a reflection of values. It's a part of that piece of the puzzle of what somebody's values are.

We talked the other day about non-negotiables in a relationship. And after we did the show, I was like knocking my head. I'm like, no, my non-negotiable is that the person I marry has to be pro-life because that says a lot to me about that person's values if they're not. And so I think values is really important. And obviously, if you share Christian values, religious values together, that's going to be very bonding. And again, it's an active thing that you're doing. You're actively saying, this is a partnership that matters. This partnership is led by God. God is the third person in this partnership,

in this marriage. And this is going to be this thing that binds us together. It's not based on my feelings at any other moment because, frankly, when I'm doing my seventh family, the Duffy marriage, is not a positive, satisfying, fulfilling endeavor. It's just that at that moment, doing the seventh load of laundry, I'm just kind of not loving it. You're not loving it. I know. I hear about it. And I try to pick up the laundry slack. Whenever it's good, I to pick up the laundry slack. Never is good.

I'll actually do some laundry and I'll actually fold it. And then Rachel's like, that's not the job. It's putting it away. Put it away. I'm like, I don't know where the kid, listen, I don't know where all the stuff goes. I can put the towels away. That's about it. I'm partaking somewhat.

Well, listen, I have to go prepare for the bottom line. I appreciate everyone's questions. Great questions this week. Deep, deep stuff. And by the way, I appreciate you sharing the article because I think it encapsulated a lot of the things we talk about and think about, but it was underscored by actual studies that go, yeah, actually, it's what you're talking about is true. And a lot of what they talk about, we try to do and we do. And I think we have a good marriage and I love being married to you.

And again, it takes work and effort and fighting through rough times to get to good times. So- That's right. And you get less fights, the better you do at fighting. So listen, thank you all for joining us at the kitchen table. By the way, just if you're listening to it Friday night when we're dropping this, Rachel's on all weekend, Saturday and Sunday, bringing the primary in South Carolina to you.

So check that out. Then the border. I think we should do next week a border podcast. If I can get you on the border, let's try to do that if we can. If you have the technological wherewithal to make that happen, that'll be fun next week. You on the border doing a podcast, maybe grab one of those Border Patrol agents, which would be wonderful. I'll also be, Sean, with Congressman Andy Biggs down there, who's been just a real champion in shining a light on everything that's been happening at the border and to the beautiful state of Arizona, which has really had to bear the brunt of the open border

policy. So I'll be with him as well. I promise I will bring a report back from the border so y'all can know firsthand what I saw and what's happening. So yeah, Andy Biggs has been ferocious. We'll bring the border, if not, you know, with Rachel there. You come back to the kitchen table and we'll share it with you over a cup of coffee when we do the podcast next week. But listen, thank you all for joining us. If you like our podcast, you can rate, review, subscribe. Wherever you get your podcasts, you can always find us at foxnewspodcast.com. Subscribe.

You get a notice when we drop. We drop Wednesday, Thursday, Q&A on Fridays like today. We appreciate your questions. Please continue to send them in it's always better to go to rachel if you go to her social media and direct messenger or just pop one of the questions up there uh we'll grab them and uh throw them on our friday q and a's so until next time rich you be safe and uh you all bye bye everybody listen ad free with a fox News Podcast Plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to the show ad-free on the Amazon Music app. The Fox News Rundown. A contrast of perspectives you won't hear anywhere else.

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