From the Kitchen Table: The Duffys - Six Traits Successful, Long-Lasting Relationships Have

Episode Date: August 31, 2024

This Labor Day weekend, how can we make sure we're getting the most out of our loving relationships? Sean and Rachel lay out the six key ingredients that will guarantee your relationship has what it takes to go the distance. From the necessity of attraction, the importance of having arguments, and the beauty of forgiveness, the Duffys look at their own marriage to share the important lessons they've learned throughout the years. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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BetMGM.com for terms and conditions. Must be 19 years of age or older to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Hey everyone, welcome to From the Kitchen Table. I'm Sean Duffy along with my co-host for the podcast, my partner in life and my wife for

a very exciting edition of From the Kitchen Table. Hey Rachel. I thought you were going to say and my wife for a very long edition of From the Kitchen Table. Hey, Rachel. I thought you were going to say, and my wife for a very long time. That too. Since it's 25 years. Yes. Which brings us actually to the topic of this conversation. You know, Ed Fox, I meet a lot of young girls,

a lot of them interns, singles, some just dating, and they always go, oh, Rachel, life goals. I want to find somebody that I'm in love with and that I can have a long lasting relationship and have children with. And I ended up having a lot of interesting conversations with young women. Um, and even some young men, people want love. And I think they want to know not just that they want to meet somebody, but they want to know that it can last. And so we started talking about, these are the things that will guarantee these six things.

If these six, six things are happening in your relationship, then you are in a relationship that has what it takes to go the distance. It's the secret sauce. It's like making bread. Only six things go to my bread. You miss one and the bread's just not quite as good. So these are the six things to make your marriage a great bread well actually i love the topic of bread because bread is like sort of like life right it's it's nourishing and it's life-giving yeah all right i love it so let's just get right to it so okay the couples that um make it the longest the number one thing you need to have and it doesn't happen to happen at every single moment in your marriage but you better start off Couples that make it the longest, the number one thing you need to have,

and it doesn't have to happen at every single moment in your marriage, but you better start off attracted to this person. So if somebody tells you that you can meet a guy and you're not attracted to him and it doesn't matter, they're bullshitting you. It matters that you're attracted to each other. She's ugly, but she's really nice. If you feel that way. Ugly could be pretty to you. I'm just saying attracted to each other. She's ugly, but she's really nice. If you feel that way, it could be pretty to you. I'm just saying to you, I'm saying to you, if you tell me about this person that you like, you say she's ugly, but she's nice. That's probably continue on

the search, right? I mean, cause you got, you have to be attracted. No, by the way, it could be, it could be physical or it could be attraction to the personality of someone as well. It could go either way, but you have to be attracted. You have to be attracted to them. And I'll tell you this. It's not just that you need attraction for the spark to start the relationship. Right. Being attracted to somebody actually is even more helpful when you're in a relationship because there are going to be valleys in your marriage.

There are times when I really don't like Sean. It happens. I'm sure he has many more moments of those like that about me, but thank God I don't look over and I'm not disgusted with him because if I hated him and I was disgusted with them, there's no way this thing was going to last. That fact that I find you eminently cute and handsome has actually

helped me go the distance, forgive you easier. I look out there, especially now that we're 50, I'm like, he's got his hair, he's looking good, he still has muscles. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to find anyone that I'm more attracted

to that I think is cuter than you. And so I actually, I'm making light of this, but I actually think this is really important. It is important. And for me, I think I got the double blessing. So one, I think Rachel has a very beautiful personality. Um, and physically you're beautiful. Um, and so that brings us to number two, because the second thing is you need to be friends. I mean, you can be married to a supermodel or dating a supermodel, but if you're not friends and you don't enjoy talking to each other, this thing is dead.

So we go to bed. Well, oftentimes we go to bed and we talk. Sometimes Rachel's on her phone a little bit more than she should be. But usually we talk. That's one of our fights. We fight about that. That's true.

But in the morning we wake up i told him there's nobody i'd wrap like this is a compliment there's nobody i'd rather lay next to in bed and scroll than you it is not a compliment she tells me it's a compliment but it's not right next to anybody else i'm like i would love to be together there's no one's like to lay in bed and talk to but no i'd want to scroll. We wake up in the morning. And again, it can be crazy. But almost every morning we'll wake up, unless you're working at Fox and Friends, and we'll have a cup of coffee together. And we'll sit down and talk about dumb stuff, fun stuff, family stuff, like all kinds of schedules.

But we sit and chat. The news. And I think if I think about going on vacation, I want to go do something, have time off. There's no one that I'd rather go with than with you. Or we're planning a trip now. And I literally said to myself, I don't want to take a flight.

I want to get in the car and drive somewhere. So we had time to talk in the road. By the way, when we first met and I wasn't sure about you, you took me out to breakfast and we ended up sitting at that little breakfast greasy diner By the way, when we first met, and I wasn't sure about you, you took me out to breakfast, and we ended up sitting at that little breakfast greasy diner for like over three hours talking, and it like a light bulb went off on me.

Those of you in St. Paul, it was the uptowner? Mm-hmm. And the light bulb went off, and I said, oh, this is what lovers do. They can sit and talk for three hours. I don't think I'd had quite that experience before. And then at the end of breakfast, what did I tell you, Sean? You told me that you love me and you're going to marry me. That's right. And if you want to make a man run, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I scare the hell out of him. But that is what happens. I'm just having some eggs here. But to this point, build a friendship. And if you can't

become friends and enjoy this person, probably not going to last for the long run. Wait right there. We'll have more of this conversation next. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. Okay, number three, respect each other. If you don't respect each other, it's not going to work.

I actually, I almost think this should have been number one, um, because they say that in relationships, if you talk to a couple of therapists, they say that when, when they, when they have couples that are having trouble coming in, they can tell which ones aren't going to make it. And the ones that aren't going to make it are the ones who have lost respect for each other. And so I think that is a very, very important component. So my biggest thing in respect, I think, is to have enough respect for your partner to listen to them. If you're in a fight or even if you're having a good conversation, you actually have to, if you respect them, you listen because you care what they're saying. You're not thinking about how you're going to respond.

You're not thinking about something else. You have enough respect that you listen to them, wait for them to finish, and then you respond. And to be fair, that is a skill set. It's so important that I did not have when I came into this marriage. And I learned it through Sean, whose family had been through therapy. Bad times brought good times. It brought good times. And it was actually helpful.

Obviously, I fall back on bad habits. You're probably a better listener than me. The other part of respect, Sean, is letting each other be who you are. I have a big, crazy personality. I'm a little bit crazy. A little bit. You kind of like my crazy, which is usually, which has been a positive thing. And, um, and I don't feel like I,

you're trying to change me and I don't feel like I'm trying to change you. I, I think, I think we each improve each other and help each other get, be better people and improve and follow our dreams. But I think we compliment each other. And I, and I think you're right. I, I listen, I love, by the way, if I want you're right. Listen, I love... By the way, if I want to change who you are, I wouldn't have married you, right? I don't want that project. There's a lot of girls that get married. They marry somebody that they're not sure about, and they go,

I'm going to change him. Now, you can civilize them. You can civilize a man, and that's okay. That's true. Change them, no, if they are the way they are wired. And by the way, they're wired to be men. And if you're trying to make your man, you know, a woman, then maybe you're not in the right relationship.

Yeah. You know what? Actually, that's an important topic. Respect the sexual differences, right? Exactly. I was just going to say, respecting the sexual differences is probably more important than ever at this moment right now in time whether it's free in regard to movies right we'd like different movies except rom-com we both like the reverse i'm a little tricky on that sometimes but beyond that you know we watch different things yeah

sometimes i don't like die hard and he doesn't make me watch die hard right and i don't like foreign love films and sometimes she tries to make me and i fall asleep i have but you know what i did make you watch that one i can't remember it the name of it that french one and you ended up liking it did i like it yeah you did you did okay anyway oh there's a cookie the cookie one yeah actually i did enjoy that you did like that also you said i don't do black and white films when we got married because i love old hollywood films and what's your favorite movie uh it's a Wonderful Life. See, sometimes you just have to at least try it. Okay. The fight. They fight. Couples who make the distance, they fight. If you are not fighting with

your spouse, you're probably going to end up divorced. That's my thought. Listen, because everyone has disagreement. And if you're not fighting, what it means is you're having disagreement and you're just lifting up the rug and shoving all the dirt underneath your kitchen rug and it builds up and it's going to explode. What you want to do is when you're upset, you want to be able to talk about things, engage in a fight and have disagreement. Once you go through that conflict of the fight on whatever the issue is, you then put it behind you. Where if you don't fight about it and you do that for months and years or maybe decades, it explodes. And I think what happens is resentment. It can it can also not be explosive, Sean. It could just be like that.

That's that thing I was telling you. I hate you. I dislike you. That's right. And so the couples that say they never fight will say they're going to get divorced. Yeah. We've heard that before. Like we've heard people say, we don't ever fight.

And I'm like, just wait, they're going to get divorced. But one other point here, I think it's important also to fight fair. And again, there's always different variations of fighting fair, right? We'll do well at it. And sometimes we're a little less good at it. But to take in a really good time where you're, you know, you're sharing the most intimate parts of your family or your feelings. And then in a fight, if someone takes that and uses that against you, that breaks down the bonds and the trust that you have in a relationship. So there has to be rules around, again, fighting fair and not taking things that were shared in vulnerability

and in love to then use that as a weapon against you know your partner um and again so if you're gonna fight have rules around it and do it fairly i want to add that there's a second part to they fight which is that they forgive each other because i think forgiveness is a big part of a relationship i work on that a little longer yeah he holds he's irish they hold grudges you know what i said that that once about grudge holding. And Will and Pete said, who are you talking about? And I was like, Sean. And then I ran into somebody somewhere at some event.

I can't remember where I was. Anyway, and the guy was like, oh, yeah, I heard your husband because he holds grudges. And so I was such a throwaway comment. But I think he was Irish. I think he got it. I think he got it. Irish hold courageous. But I should say, like, it doesn't always have to be a fight. If you're having if you're able to have tough conversations, if you're able to sort of preempt the fight by saying, hey, listen, I want to talk about this. This really getting under my skin or this is something you did that really upset me.

It can be a conversation before it gets to a fight. But don't be afraid to fight and fight tough,, and like you said, there has to be rules. Sean does not like if we fight when he's tired and it never goes well. And so it took me years to figure out, okay, I can fight with this guy, but I just can't do it at 1130 at night because it's not going to go well. Oh, I go black. It gets a dark hole and I'm exhausted. And it's like's like listen i'm way better off if i'm rested and then i have a little by the way also sometimes i need a little space i can fight then i need to take a break and i don't like space and sometimes if i can get a break i come back into it with a fresher perspective um and everybody's different because they say you know don't go to bed if

you're angry well i mean if i i can do that I can do that, I can handle that, but you can't, you want to sleep and then talk about it in the morning. But I think these two, these two things go together, fighting and having tough conversations to your point, Rachel, if you can have the tough conversation without a fight, that's great, but don't be afraid to have the tough conversation. The thing that's annoying you, that's bothering you. And you can say it out of respect and love, but put it on the table and you know, it's going to be hard for the other person to hear it.

But if you do it that way, hopefully it goes well. But if not, maybe you have a conversation after you go, Hey, I brought up a tough issue. We didn't have to fight about it, but you didn't take it well. And you made it a fight. Let's not do that in the future. I want us to actually have these tough conversations and have them work for us. And so I guess my point with that is I always do a recap on the fight or the tough conversation and talk about, did it go well? Were we fair? How do we deal with that as a couple? You're having like a post-mortem, a post-mortem on the, on the fight. So you start to develop over time and over the years, you start to develop those rules and boundaries around fighting and again the game tape review the game tape and then also again before we leave from number four you gotta

yeah forgiveness has to be part of it at the end of the fight you have to be able to forgive each other and you have to be gracious enough to accept somebody's apology and that's just part of it. Okay. Number five, couples that last can laugh at themselves and laugh at life. Life is crazy. Stupid stuff happens. Um, you know, crazy stuff happens. If you can't laugh at it, the truth is Sean, when really awful stuff happens, it's so much easier to laugh about it years later. But really trying hard to find the humor in the stuff that just happens that other people end up fighting about is just going to be helpful. And again, having someone that you can laugh with. And again, if I can crack a joke about you and you're not so uptight that you can laugh at it as well,

or same with me or me self-deprecating. All of that, I think, truly matters. Because you know what? Life is supposed to be fun. And laughing is fun. And enjoying some good times together, good jokes together, good stories together is part of that secret magic that makes the marriage work. Well, what happens when you're married for a long time

is you really get to understand you really get to know this person really well. And everyone has quirks and idiosyncrasies. And they're funny, you know? And if you can't laugh at it and you get too sensitive, I think it just makes it but the key

to that, Sean, is trust. Trust is the key to that being able to happen. It's hard to make fun of someone if you don't trust that underneath it all. They truly love you and respect you and actually love your foibles and your idiosyncrasies. And trust is built and trust hopefully grows over the course of a marriage, right? Yeah. Number six. Number six, shared history, right? And there's a couple of components to this. Go ahead. Well, I love the idea of shared history because like, like I said, every marriage has its ups

and downs and its valleys. And, you know, there are times when I'm just so tired and I'm just so upset and like, everything looks black. Right. And when you share a history together, I mean, we have 25 years together, Sean, and like crazy stuff has happened. Everything from, you know, the real world to like moving to a little tiny town to you going in Congress and me getting this job to having nine kids to your mother dying. And there's all kinds of twists and turns to birthdays, to vacations and promotions. And there's all kinds of stuff that happens. And what you realize as the years go on is that shared history is something that I don't want to share with anybody else. I don't want to let go of it, and I don't want to share it with anybody else.

And it's very bonding. So our shared history is also, I think, another really important point is our shared life. history is also, I think, another really important point is our shared life. So what we do, which I think is really important, and this is really important in today's culture, because you have families that go in so many different directions. You know, someone's working one place, someone's working another place, someone's bringing kids to school, someone's picking kids up from school, you got sports, it gets crazy. No matter what's going on in our life, school. We got sports. It gets crazy. No matter what's going on in our life, we share what's going on in our day. Good stories, bad stories. What happened? Who did you see? What was interesting? When I'm not with Rachel or she's not with me, we talk about all the things that happen in our

day that we think are important. And so Rachel is living, you know, my life, my day, but not there because I don't want secrets from her. And she does the same for me. And I think the sharing of the day is so important because then you don't start to lead a separate life from me. I don't lead a separate life from you or different jokes with someone else or different friendships outside of outside of you? We are we even though we can be separated, we're building something together. I hear people like couples talk, Sean, and they'll say, well, I don't want to be codependent. And I'm like, you should be codependent. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I I'm codependent on Sean. I you know. When something happens to me, it's like it didn't

happen until I tell Sean about it. And so I think that's really important. The other part of that shared history is those shared moments. And so like, for example, we're planning this trip that we're going to take for a few days off before the busy election season really heats up for us at work. And one of the kids was like, well, can we go? And I'm like, no, you can't. It's important for us to have our shared life. And we realize that as much as we love our kids and we adore them and they make our life, you know, I just can't imagine living without them. I told Sean the other day, I was like, the best thing I ever did was have nine kids. Like, I just literally can't imagine myself without one of them.

We could be empty nesters now. And we got right. But the point of this, Sean is we will be empty nesters. We'll sort of, I don't know if Valentina is ever going away because she has down syndrome, but we are going to be, we think it's funny now.

We think it's funny. We're going to be like 20 years. Don't you really want to go to the group home college don't you want to go actually they do college i just got a letter which i need to write these this lady um it's amazing her her down syndrome daughter is best friends with another down syndrome daughter and they both started their freshman year college and i interviewed them before they went and they just sent me the picture of them in the dorm. That is the best. But the point is, we are going to be empty nesters one day.

And we better like each other. We better have invested in each other. It better not be that, like, you know, the last one leaves, and we're suddenly looking at each other going, who are you? No, we have to date each other throughout the, you know, 25, 30 years before the kids leave. That's right. And I would say at five years or seven years, if I'm honest with you, I could have made it and would have made it without you. You could have learned to, you still knew how to live without me, is what you're trying to say. 25 years in, I am jacked. If something happens to her, she's like, now I am dependent. Not even codependent.

I know. That's actually not a bad thing. And that's why you see old couples when one of the spouses dies, it's so hard because in that good marriage, they did everything together. They had a coffee together. They had dinner together. They shared their lives together. They did everything together. And when that one person. They had dinner together. They shared their lives together. They did everything together. When that one person's gone, it becomes really, really hard.

And when you have that, it's challenging, but it's beautiful. And you build that over the course of time. And I think all of these things, Rachel, are key components in making that tasty, hot bread that makes that tasty, hot, beautiful marriage. And listen, these are all things that if you're dating or if you're thinking about dating, these are things to think about. You know, am I attracted to this person? Can I see myself having a long-term friendship with them? Do I respect them?

Do I respect what they do? Do I like, you know, all the things about them in that regard? Is this somebody I would feel comfortable having a difficult conversation with? Can I fight with them and then make up in a civil way? Can I laugh with this person about myself, about them? Can I laugh about life? Can I have fun with them? And then finally, is this somebody that at the end of life, I'm on a rocking chair and I'm like, this is the guy I want to or the gal that I want to have a shared history with. That's just our story. And if you keep that in mind, I think you're going to do well by yourself and the person you pick to spend your life with.

And by the way, I said. You're going to go the distance. I said something in the podcast. I do think you can meet someone and not think they're very attractive and get to know them. And all of a sudden, you're like, this person's beautiful. Oh, I totally agree with that. And I did not say... Happens.

I'm glad you brought that up. I did not say love at first sight. I did not have love at first sight with Sean. But it grew over time. It grew over time. And then that moment happened at the restaurant and i was like that's it but sean how many months after that was that okay you this not that's not met in september october november until i was fully it took five months for me to fully fall in love with you yes but she was she still had some interest in me, not full of attraction,

but I didn't see this as a long-term thing. Right. It took five months of you working it. I did. No, it took months of me working it and then going goodbye, whatever I'm out. And then you came, they're like, Oh, then you came back around and then you're like, Oh, I'm going to go drive that car again. How are you doing? Let's get married. I love you. That's what it was. I love you. Let's get married. Anyway, there you have it. Success in marriage and in dating. Um, how to go the distance, how to go the distance. Listen, thank you for being with us on this podcast. We could

have not done this on this Friday going into Labor Day weekend. We're like, you know what, we want to talk about this. So maybe this Labor Day weekend, as you're at a bar or you're hanging out with your spouse or your kids, think about these ideas. Enjoy the weekend, three days. And if you like a podcast, tell everyone this weekend that you see, just randomly go, do you watch from the kitchen table? You should. Check them out. We're always on FoxNewsPodcast.com, Spotify, Apple, wherever you get your podcasts, rate, review, subscribe.

And until next week, thanks for being with us. Bye, everybody. Listen ad-free with a Fox News Podcast Plus subscription on Apple Podcasts. And Amazon Prime members can listen to this show ad-free on the Amazon Music app.