Full Body Chills - Ersatz

Episode Date: October 22, 2019

I need to tell you a story before it's too late. A story to prove to you... and me... that I am real.Ersatzby: David: FlowersYou can read the original story at FullBodyChillsPodcast.comThis episode is brought to you by Simplisafe, to learn more check out simplisafe.com/fbc Looking for more chills? Follow Full Body Chills on Instagram @fullbodychillspod. Full Body Chills is an audiochuck production. Instagram: @audiochuckTwitter: @audiochuckFacebook: /audiochuckllcTikTok: @audiochuck

Hi, listeners. I have a story I want to tell you, a story I need to tell you while I still can. So gather around and listen close. I'm writing down everything. Every last thing that has happened up to this point. Because if I don't write it down, I can't be sure it's all real. But it is real. I'm real. What I'm about to tell you is going to sound crazy, I know, but it's the truth. At least it's what I think is true. And I know you're going to hesitate to believe anything I say, but if you believe anything at all, believe this one thing.

I am real. For you to really understand, I need to go back. I lived, I still live, in a small apartment with my roommate Jamie. I go to a community college not far from home, currently just working my way through an undeclared major. And I also work part-time as a barista at a coffee shop. Or, I mean, I guess I used to do all of that stuff. It's been three months since it first happened. And since then, I've dropped out of school.

I've quit my job. And as this whole thing got worse, I left my apartment less and less. And I don't even leave my apartment at all anymore. So three months back, back when things at least seemed normal, is when I first noticed it. I was leaving my apartment to go to work for my morning shift, just like I always do. It was around eight in the morning when I left, like prime rush hour. So the streets were busy and filled with people. I barely live like five blocks from the coffee shop. So it's just habit for me to walk there each morning. So on this day,

I'm about two blocks away from the shop and waiting for the traffic light to turn while I'm on the corner. As cars slow down, the cross light turns green and I start to move among the group of people crossing the street. And just as I was halfway across the road, it happened. I was crossing and I happened to look up from my phone and saw someone coming from the opposite direction. Now, we're separated by a crowd of people, but I recognized this person instantly. They smiled and waved, and instinctively, I waved back. It was casual, you know, like how you would greet anyone that you knew while walking down, like, a hallway to class, or in my case, on your way to work. It was over in less than a second.

In that time, all I did was smile and wave to this familiar face, except it wasn't a familiar face at all. In fact, I can tell you now with absolute certainty that that person was a complete stranger to me. And now I know what you're thinking, like, oh, this happens to me all the time. You confused a stranger with someone you knew. And that's just what I told myself back then too. But this wasn't that. It was more like, I guess like reverse deja vu is the best way to describe it. Like, you know, with deja vu, how you get stuck in this feeling of half remembering, like some memory lingering in the back of your mind, but you just can't make it out. Well, this was the exact opposite of that. When I saw this person, I knew exactly who they were. I knew their face, what they typically wore,

how we first met, everything. I mean, I could even imagine how they talked and they never even said a single word. All they did was wave. But in an instant, nothing. I could not remember them. And this is what I mean. It wasn't like deja vu, the I barely can't remember feeling. I couldn't remember anything. And I'm not just talking about their name. I couldn't even remember what they looked like. And this was only like, what, six seconds ago?

Probably even less than that. As soon as I realized that I couldn't remember, I like whipped around to try and see them again, but whoever it was had disappeared into the busy crowd. So I kind of wrote it off, and I continued on my way to work. Nothing weird happened for a couple of weeks after that. I went on with my normal life, feeling normal. I went to work,

I left for class, I came home, and that was it. I never saw that person again, not at the traffic corner or anywhere else. That encounter stuck with me though. And I'd think about it now and then. And each time, I'd just try and put the thoughts to rest with some like lazily stitched together rationale. And for a moment, I think I had almost forgotten about the entire thing completely. And that's when it happened again. This time I wasn't crossing the street. This time I was at the coffee shop working.

It was midday, right before my shift ended. It wasn't that busy, but mostly we just have a few customers who like come in, order one drink, head to the lounge area, and then like hang out for a half an hour or so. So I'm going around table to table, checking on those who haven't ordered anything yet to see if there's anything that they needed. There was this group of teenagers near me that were being kind of obnoxious. So I made a very conscious effort to try and avoid them, like going all the way to the front of the store near the street corner window. And at a table there, I saw my friend Allison working on a laptop. So I said something like to the effect of, hey, hey, Allison, I see you come in, whatever. And I remember Allison nodded basically to the table behind me, making a joke about the loud kids.

And without even looking, I just kind of laughed and said something like, oh, it's near the end of my shift, basically saying they're going to be someone else's problem now. So Allison ordered a drink for me. And after writing it down, I went back to the back to make it. And I had just finished when I suddenly felt cold. The hair on my neck and arms stood on end as this terrifying realization crept into my mind. I turned my head backwards. I looked across the store, past the counter, past the lounges, and past the high school teens still at their table to see an empty spot near the street corner window. That empty spot was the same one where Allison was just sitting.

Or at least an empty spot where someone or something sat. Because here's the thing, I never knew an Allison. Who was Allison? I'm not joking when I say I couldn't remember even the slightest discernible feature. How old were they? What was their hair color? Did they even have hair? I can't remember if Allison was even a guy or a girl. I had just spoke to this person like they were my friend and now I remember nothing. The only reason I can even remember that name was because it was still in my shaking hands as I held the freshly brewed cup of coffee. And stained on the

cup was the name that I had written in black ink only moments before. Allison. I was fully panicking at this point and I can't remember exactly what I did after that, but I'm pretty sure I forgot to clock out of work. All I know for sure is that I got out of there as quickly as I could and I went straight home. The next thing that I clearly remember is standing in my apartment, paralyzed basically with my back leaning against the front door. And I felt like I was starting to calm down, but my heart was still like really beating fast. So I forced some long, slow breaths, just telling myself, breathe in and out. Breathe in. The knocking on the door flew my heart into a flurry all over again. And I jumped, but there was something about the way I was leaning against the door.

I sort of like hit my head. And from the other side, I hear my roommate, Jamie, startle. And she's like yelling, asking if I'm okay. So rubbing my head, I open the door and chastise her basically for knocking. I mean, I get that it's her house, but like, where was her key? And Jamie, like always being the smart ass was like, yeah, I do have a key. It's just one I may or may not have forgotten at home. And then she picked it up from this tray on the front table in our living room. And I tried to make a joke about her bad memory, but I don't

think I could play it off super well. There's obviously something about my appearance that was giving me away because Jamie just looked really worried and asked if I was okay. She just said, you know, you look really messed up. So I sat her down and I tried to explain everything. What happened at the coffee shop? What happened that time before that in the street? And I tried to convey to her how it felt knowing something one moment and then the next having those memories just stripped from your mind. But I knew she didn't get it. She like made a joke. She's like, oh, sounds like me on a math exam. And I know she was trying to make me feel better. But I didn't find this amusing at all. I just told her, Listen, I'm not kidding here. This is serious. And I'm freaking out. She tried to like

talk me down. But she was like, you know, I don't even know what we're talking about here. Are we talking aliens or government mind control? And at this point, like I just got so frustrated, like clearly she wasn't taking this seriously. So I got up to leave the room. And at this point, like I just got so frustrated, like clearly she wasn't taking this seriously. So I got up to leave the room and obviously that got her attention. Like she got very serious then. It was like, okay, okay, listen, I want to help, but I don't know what to do.

And I didn't blame her. I didn't know what to do either. There was just like this long pregnant pause between us. Neither of us were what you would call equipped to deal with a situation like this long pregnant pause between us neither of us were what you would call equipped to deal with a situation like this like basically a kid their first day of school I was lost and I was looking to Jamie for an answer and so then she looked at me and she said you know my grandpa as he got older he'd get confused and mix stuff up a lot. Like he had Alzheimer's and it made him forget stuff, you know, daily stuff, like all the time. And that's when I cut her off. And I was like,

wait, you think I have Alzheimer's? And now I'm like really freaking out because, I mean, before it was a weird memory thing, but now to think that my brain might actually have a disease is terrifying. And I know she doesn't think that I actually have Alzheimer's, but this was the first time that I was actually coming to the realization like there might be something more serious going on. And that was a scary thought, but I don't know what's more terrifying. The idea that I might have an actual brain disease or something that I couldn't even begin to understand. I scheduled an appointment, nothing serious or anything, but just like a regular checkup. My school did them basically for free, so it made sense. And I won't lie, the closer it came to my appointment, the more stupid I felt for even scheduling it. It had been a week at that point

since the whole coffee shop thing, and I hadn't had a similar incident since. I mean, at that point, I was actually starting to doubt myself, but I forced myself to go. Jamie had said that some diseases lie undetected in a person's mind for most of their life. So if that's true, I want to be better safe than sorry. I went to the doctor's office in the middle of the day and was greeted by the nurse at the front. Now the nurse was just another student like me. I didn't know them, but I was pretty sure I'd seen them around campus before. I was immediately taken to a room where I was told to wait for Dr. Russell. Dr. Russell usually handled a lot of the student patients. He actually

used to be an advisor and a teacher in the medical school. And a lot of my friends actually had him and always had good things to say. I'm not sure if he teaches anymore, but I did meet him once before at an animal shelter volunteer event. And he seemed like a nice person. And I was sort of relieved to find out that it was Dr. Russell who I would be seeing. So I waited. And about five minutes later, Dr. Russell comes in. He was actually quick to recognize me and immediately struck up this friendly conversation. And right off the bat, I felt comfortable enough to explain what was really going on.

I explained the two incidents before. I explained how my roommate thought that I might have something similar to her grandpa. But I was careful not to be too detailed as I was kind of afraid that I would come off sounding sounding like a nutcase. He asked a few more questions about any history of mental illness in my family, prescription medications that I was taking, which at the time was none, and like what my workload was like. Then we went on and did a few wellness tests and the examination was fairly straightforward like your standard stuff. When we were done, Dr. Russell excused himself and said that he'd be back in just a few minutes with a couple of reports and papers for me to fill out.

But before he left, he assured me that there were no serious health concerns that he could find, and likely, like, I could just rest easy. He said that both of these weird incidents that happened could have just been the result of high stress. And honestly, the more I thought about it, the more that that made sense. Like midterms were just around the corner. I was working a full-time job on top of school and all of that had really affected my sleep schedule lately. So I was feeling better about everything. Having someone tell me I wasn't crazy was finally the break that I needed in this hell of a week. So just as I'm resting easy, the door opens again and there's this woman looking down at a clipboard. And when she looks up, she looks startled, like she's surprised to see me.

And she said, oh, you know, you must be my four o'clock appointment. I was looking for you, but I didn't see you come in. And I was confused. Like maybe I was supposed to meet Dr. Russell somewhere else or, I mean, I didn't know. So I started kind of gathering my things and I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. Like I'll, I'll get out of your way. I was just waiting for Dr. Russell to come back. And that's when she turns to me and says, Doctor who? I was just about to respond, and then my heart sank. It's happening again. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it.

I tried, I tried to remember, and I tried to shut up that part of my brain that was screaming the truth. I tried anything not to believe it, but I knew Dr. Russell wasn't real. As I'm like spiraling in my head, the doctor interrupts again and asked me if I checked in at the front desk and like who let me in there and I tried to like mumble out a response but that's when I realized that I couldn't even remember the nurse at the front desk that let me back here and I could feel this doctor eyeing me so I just came up with something quick I just said you know oh I thought like I didn't know how to check in I thought we just came back here and let myself in I'm so sorry and she says oh no you it's fine. I'll get one of the nurses and let them know that you're here. You just make yourself comfortable. The new doctor was named Lindsay Turner, and I think she's real. I can even remember her now and more than just her name. And though my thoughts were scattered

at the time, I remember most of that checkup, and I even saw her later around campus. So it feels real. But it was weird going through almost the exact same motions twice. I told her everything, but I made up my mind that I would leave out the part about Dr. Russell. I don't know why I didn't tell her, but I didn't. Honestly, probably because it scared me too much to even think about. And at the end, Dr. Turner came to the same conclusion I had heard

before, that stress and little sleep were playing tricks on my mind, though now I was kind of less convinced that that was really the case. She prescribed me some sleeping medication, but I didn't even bother to look at the note. Instead, I shoved it in my pocket and got out of there the minute we were done. When I got home, Jamie was already there waiting to hear the news, but neither of us expected the story that I was about to tell. Jamie didn't know what to say when I finished and, you know, God bless her. She was trying to be nice, but she just said, you know, well, why don't you do what they said? Take the medication that they gave you. Maybe you do just need some rest. But I was so over this. I know it's not rest at this point. There is something going on. There is something real happening to me. Jamie was quiet for a while, but I could tell that it was starting to finally sink

in. And she asked, are we sure this dr. Russell guy wasn't another doctor or like worse like what if it was some kind of creep just pretending to be a doctor but I just shook my head it's not a matter of if he was a doctor or not he wasn't real like just with these other people I was talking to him I had memories but then when he was gone just like like snap, all of it was gone. And that's when Jamie asked me a question that I hadn't thought about. She said, that's the part that doesn't make sense to me. You said that when it happened before, you couldn't remember anything about them. How can you remember this guy's name? You said that you even remember volunteering with

him at the shelter. And Jamie was right. I didn't think of it then, but something had changed. This time, I still retained some memory of that person, but I also had different memories. They're not, like, the real memories. My head hurts as I'm trying to, like, work through this to, like, even tell you this story because I can remember him being at the shelter with me, but I also remember him not being there. And I don't know which memories are real. Like I could feel it,

but why couldn't I remember him and not others? And I just keep thinking about that over and over and I still don't know for sure. I have theories now, but at this point it's kind of all speculation. There was going to be no resolution just sitting on the couch with Jamie. She tried her best, you know, to make me feel good. She said, whatever this is, it's going to pass and things are going to get better. But in another week, it happened again.

This time I was in class sharing notes with another classmate. I think his name was Kevin. Anyways, after class, when we were all dismissed, I realized that Kevin wasn't any classmate of mine. A few days later, I stopped to chat with a friend, Destiny, in between lectures, a Destiny I never knew. More and more, I had run-ins with these fake people, to the point

where it was becoming almost a daily routine. I wondered if others saw what I saw, but most of the time it seemed to happen when no one else was noticing. Sometimes I've asked a few people and they told me they saw me talking with someone. But either because of where they were or where they saw us or some other reason, they never could describe the person that I was with. I tried several methods to stop this. At first, I was like, okay, I'll just talk to less people. But it's hard to shut out someone who you generally believe is your friend. Jamie was relentless about me trying the sleeping medication, so finally I tried it, even though I was super hesitant because, I mean, I didn't think that

they were going to work. And sure enough, the very next day I bought a magazine from a friendly street vendor who never existed. For a while, I thought maybe embracing it would make it go away. But things started to get more serious. One of my managers at work told me to toss out some bad milk. When my real boss caught wind that I had thrown out a week's worth of good milk, they were far from happy. Shortly after that is when I decided to quit my job. If I didn't, it would have only been a matter of time before I was fired for a similar incident.

As it got more frequent, it also got stronger. Sometimes the fake memories would be so elaborate, I could remember months or even years of reunions and get-togethers, parties, like you name it. Most longer memories I would forget entirely, but some lingered even after the fact. I can still tell the fake ones apart when I look back on it, but when I'm in the moment, they're the only thing that I can recall. As if it couldn't get any worse, one day I got a call from my sister asking when I'd be home for her birthday tomorrow. With everything going on, I had totally forgot that I promised her I'd be coming down early to spend the night.

So I haphazardly packed my bags. I emailed all of my professors saying I'd be absent from class the next day. And I lived about like five hours from home. So, I mean, I was in a mad rush to get on the road. I texted Jamie that I had to leave suddenly for my sister's birthday tomorrow and that I was going to be taking the car. Two hours later, Jamie saw my message and immediately called me back to inform me that I was an only child. And, you know, at first I thought it was a cruel joke, like her just

making light of the past couple of really shitty weeks. But she insisted she would not let up. We were arguing like full on arguing for 20 minutes. I was yelling, but she had the brains to tell me to pull over and, you know, quote, see if it passes. And I didn't want to listen, but I did. I pulled over. I tried calling my sister, but it goes straight to voicemail. She's not responding to my texts.

At this point, like, I'm getting impatient, but more than that, I'm getting really freaked out. And after 30 minutes, my real memories started coming back, and I text Jamie to tell her I was on my way home. It never got any better. My grades failed as I became too focused on studying for classes I was never in and doing homework assigned by professors I never had. I started keeping a printout of my class schedule on me at all times and I would religiously check every single hour. But even then, I was distracted away from my schoolwork by clubs I

never joined and volunteer events I never signed up for. More and more, I cut away from any sort of social life that I knew. My class schedule grew to a daily planner. And since I was liable to suffer more fake memories throughout the day and make non-existent plans, I always made my schedule 24 hours in advance. And no matter what, I was never to deviate. This became an issue when teachers canceled a class or moved rooms last minute. My absences and late work started to pile up to the point where school was just impossible, and that's when I had to drop out. I stayed at the apartment most of the time, almost all my free time.

Though I didn't have a job, I could still pay my share of the rent out of my savings. And I prayed like that would just last me long enough till I could get control of my life again. Jamie was understanding, but became worried when I would stay in the apartment for days on end. But to me, it was just like the only logical choice. Outside, my mind could play tricks on me, but inside I was safe. I've learned never to answer the door. Delivery guys will knock on the door saying my order's here, but I have to force myself not to listen. To sit still, just let it pass.

I keep my phone off too. There's too many fake callers. I mostly just keep to my schedule now. According to my planner, I'm going to write down everything that has happened up until this point and post it online. I don't plan to deviate from the planner, so that's what... I can't open that. I know it's not real. I can tell when they're not real. But they're talking.

Sounds like Jamie. I think she's saying that she forgot to take her key to the apartment again. But I know I can't answer. Our apartment only has one bedroom. This episode, titled Air Sots, was written by David Flowers Flowers with editorial and performance by me. If you'd like to read the full story online, you can go to fullbodychillspodcast.com and be sure to come back tomorrow for a new story that will give you full body chills. Full Body Chills is an audio Chuck production. So what do you think, Chuck? Do you approve?