Garza Podcast - 149 - The Mitch Episode

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

In this solo episode. Garza goes into first meeting Mitch to the time he passes away. It’s a heavy one. So heads up. BRAND NEW MERCH: https://garzapodcast.myshopify.com CHAPTERS: 00:00 - 12 Years, Processing Death 06:42 - Hearing & Meeting Mitch 19:00 - Mitch Being Fearless, Getting In Fights 26:20 - Early Days of Suicide Silence & MySpace 30:22 - 1st Tour w/ All Shall Perish 36:30 - Last Sober Tour, No Longer Straight Edge 41:56 - The Sound of The Cleansing 43:40 - Writing No Time to Bleed 47:17 - You Only Live Once & How Mitch Always Delivered 50:03 - Mitch’s Last Tour & Learning to Apologize 59:57 - The Halloween Night Tragedy 1:09:23 - Starting New Chapter in Suicide Silence 1:15:36 - Toxic Comments & Opinions 1:17:33 - Memorial Show, Band Members’ Personal Journeys 1:26:42 - Conspiracy Theories, Finding “You Can’t Stop Me” Lyrics 1:30:01 - Eddie Joining the Band, Never Stopping 1:36:43 - Mitch’s Funeral, Not Processing/Grieving Properly 1:50:47 - Sevendust “Angel’s Son”

And action. Whatever happened to action? People just stop using it. They start to say rolling or something, but I think we're going to bring it back the 90s action. You know, boom. What's up everybody? Good morning.

Good afternoon or good evening. For you, it's possibly, if you're a hardcore fan, you're listening to us, listen to this on a Monday. but for us here it's uh it's Friday it's November 1st so it's a day I've been a voting for a while but here we are um now thank you for being here so today is always kind of a weird day for for obvious reasons. So, yeah, 12 years ago,

Mitch got into an accident and he died. So that was 12 years ago. It was November, November 2012. And today's as always, it just doesn't seem like 12 years. I know, just like the concept of time is this makes no sense. 12 years. It's crazy.

But, uh, but, uh, but yeah, um, we kind of touched on it a little bit on the previous, uh, episodes. But, yeah, this is what I've been talking about. So, uh, yeah, today I was jamming the, uh, first record. It's like, fuck, his voice is just special guy. But, uh, yeah. Anyway, I was talking to a friend. friend. And I've always known this, but, uh, you know, you know when like you, you say it. And when it, when it, when it, when you say it out loud, uh, it really, oh, that's, that's true. That's true. And,

uh, but yeah, uh, this episode goes out to our singer, our best friend and brother Mitch, but, uh, yeah, band has been like it's been going it's just been going it's been going and uh i'm having a little bit harder time starting this thing getting the uh engine going as i thought but uh i'm opening up the door but uh yeah we just been going and then once i said it and i was like oh it's true i mean i I haven't processed Mitch's death yet. Yeah, we've been going. Like once, and some of the date seemed pretty blurred. But even when, yeah, even when he passed away, it was like that time period from today, 12 years ago to getting Eddie.

And then before we know, we were already riding. We're already recording the record and we're already out on a full-fledged world tour, multiple back-to-back world tours. Yeah, not having time isn't the right thing to say. It's just just my emotional mental capacity was maxed out. Or maybe I always just constantly running away from it. And yeah, so if you've been listening to past few solo EPs, I've been kind of hinting at this moment. And so yeah, it's happening right now. I've been kind of, I would be one of my goals is to get, you know, the story of the band out.

And I found it very difficult. You know, I'll be a guest on someone else's. platform or someone that I admired or respected or respected their worth ethic or at least to try to help their channel because I know I know how that goes. But I would try to bring up like the Mitch thing and it just never really came out like it's never really came out the way I wanted it to. And you know to, you know, it's unfair to expect someone else to handle, to expect me, for me to expect someone else to handle that kind of, that heavy of a subject. So that's unfair. So, uh, so, uh, here we are. I'm, I'm just going to do

it. I'm just going to start talking and then, uh, I know a preconceived idea how this is going to end, um, or the timeline or anything. But yeah, just figure out, I just, just getting the full story out there has been very difficult. But, yeah, we're just going to go. Again, thank you for us fucking listening. But, yeah, I was thinking, like, I first, I remember it was, it was freshman year in high school. That was like the first time I, not even me, just like people in the scene were like, there was like rumblings of Mitch. It was like his band

I think we're called Dying Dreams Exactly how you would think it would sound It's kind of metal core stuff And the And we had of Someone in our high school He bought a So anyway

I'm gonna tell a story It's gonna start, it's gonna end That's just what's probably gonna happen So I'm gonna go ultra ultra lore Because I try to do it other times is this impossible. But yeah, there was a baseball guy. He bought, he bought this A-track,

and he was learning how to record bands, and he ended up doing it. So he brought this demo to school. And I just remember his, the first thing I stuck out was this dude's highs. It's just nothing like, nothing like I ever heard. I couldn't, you couldn't even compare it, even as like a kid.

like to the first thing that I stuck out you got to hear this bandit you got to hear the singer there's already rumblings in the corona riverside area like he's like the best like this is really no one no one of that caliber and sound but um yeah I'll see him it shows a lot

oh it's just you know I went to Corona High so uh you know showcases in Corona it's really cool venue I always talk about it on here, but, you know, I was see a motion. You know, it was just really, it was like this really tall, lanky white kid. I think he had tattoos already. Yeah, at the time, people were like, they were, uh, it became a thing. Everyone started to stretch their fucking ears.

That still hasn't died, huh? People are still stretching their ears of putting their, like, like, like the big old plugs. Oh shit, Jay, yeah, he found footage of Nine Dreams playing Showcase. That's crazy. So that's with his brother Cliff, the bass player, Mike. He will go on to play for us for a little bit. And Josh, he would also be in suicide for a small amount of time.

Yeah, just a tall, skinny, lanky dude. I'll see him, see Big Josh Sheriff, head-banging. meant those that pit was violent violent but uh but i'll just see him see him around um he was

throw kicks at me in the pit he was sick and uh yeah they built a reputation pretty quickly um based on on Mitch and uh

oh yeah and real quick also the drummer of this band uh he was a guy I first met the first drunk technically like the first drummer ever I met the singer the first singer of Suisse on

an AOL instant messenger through a friend because so the two people that picked me up was the drummer of this band and Tanner and which yeah B-Town will go on to

drum for there is you go on the drum for a final burden and then went on to play for impending doom for some time so there's there's the hardcore lore right there but uh yeah then uh it sort of you know uh i think suicide was just about the it just started it literally just uh we're jamming in Tanner's garage in Riverside. And then we took that practice. We brought it to Corona, where we still practice. And then it was his,

it was Tanner's idea to, it was his idea to bring in a second singer or, or he should do a song with us. I know, okay? And then the first time I met Mitch was actually in my garage. He's walked in. And, yeah, Then we had a show at showcase this very venue with a black metal band that,

I'm pretty sure they're a black metal band called X-Cameleon. Check out that band. They had this record that we would eventually borrow a couple riffs from. But yeah, we basically played in front of a few black metal people that hated us and whatever girlfriends, other guys in suicidans, and shows over. We tear down our shit and then we, you know, we would take our shit, we put it down the hallway. And we're outside, a legendary place I sold drive by. You know, we're all hanging out behind the venue in the parking lot. It's nice. And I remember he asked me,

like, hey, Mitch is like, he should sing with us. And I said, no. I had no interest. because it was like a kind of like a popular thing to do at that and like the local scene of people there's like the two singer thing going on um i was getting kind of popular and uh and i didn't at that point i was we were doing okay what's everyone else doing okay we're going to the opposite always been that way like literally since like you're talking pre-imedged days always been what are they doing we're doing the opposite um we still do it today for better or For worse. All the worst things are very public, but that's cool.

But to be real, I really don't know what happened there. I don't know how Mitch kind of is. I don't know at all how he got in there. Even me opening my mind right now trying to chain link memories. I don't know. I don't know who brought it up. I don't know. Or he just started to show up all the time in Corona in our practice space.

But he's in the band. I don't know how it happened. I don't remember. But it definitely feels very, uh, very quick. I remember being very quick. I think we had one. We had a few shows, but we had an issue with the drummer that was on the first demo. he was like amazed.

So to this day, one of the best drummers I ever played with. He's, uh, Justin to final. So, fuck, he's an amazing guy, but,

uh, yeah, it'll be like show day. I remember we, we were playing like a backyard and show day is like, oh, yeah, I'm not,

I'm not gonna show up. So, so, so yeah, we had to get a new drummer and stuff. We, remember there was one show. We played in Whittier,

a place called Skatland. And that was the last, time. Probably one only show we played with the two singers and it was just kind of apparent. There's no like, there's no plan. There's no discussion. Yeah, Mitch just had to be the, uh, the fucking guy. I'm, I still don't know how he got in the fucking band.

How did he do that? Just, I mean, yeah, life, life had its way. it had its way but yeah once like once he was really once he was the only guy that's the only thing I really do remember

is once he was the guy it was only him in that garage where we were rocking out it was this it was uneniable my wrists

my emotion with his lyrics and his voice his stage presence in a garage. We would go, I think we brought it up before, but yeah, we would rock out in the garage.

I just get ready for a show. Like, we, there are crazier shows in the garage than like most bands do live, especially in the death court genre. It's going to throw it out there real quick. But, uh, yeah, we would like just, I wish, uh, obviously, you know,

hindsight. I wish if I had like the communication skills I have now to fucking talk back then. But, you know, it's just like an unspoken push each other. Who's going to rock out more? Who's who's going to rock out harder? You know, if you look at anything that me

and Mitch did when we started touring, it's like he's going insane and I'm going insane. It's like this unspoken which I still carry with today. You know, who's going to go harder? Yes, if we started fucking rocking, playing shows, he was a very unique guy in many ways In other ways he wasn't very unique.

He was a fucking painy ass. He was a frontman. A front man didn't be a painting ass. But yeah, we would go to like friends' houses and chill. And also, he's straight-edge, and I'm straight-edge. I don't even know what we did We would just go to houses And just hang out

I don't even know what we talked about But Just really Yeah he was just always Kind of bring me along To safe places Because I was Also around this time

I was A German we had Josh He got me a job As a dishwasher at Anshows And that really kind of came me out of trouble At a very crucial time

17. So I'm watching dishes Friday night, Saturday night. And I, if there's on a show, I'm working. If it's a show, I'll call it off and I'll work. But I'll go to show. But when I'm working, dude, and there's no show, Mitch and his friends, they were just known to just get into trouble, whether it's fights, throwing golf balls at cars or something. I was never a part of that. To be on, I was scared. I was scared to go hang out with them, too much because she just didn't fucking care. And I'll tell us a quick story because you proved that to me. So the story I'm about to tell us actually around this time.

If you're watching us playing in a place called Cherry Action, I wish I kept that Ivan has guitar. Fuck, I'm an idiot. I wish I kept that thing. But my dumb ass put it up on eBay. I'm playing with sandals too, like it. I don't know why. Good thing I stopped.

but yeah we're uh bad we're just fucking playing playing gigs straight edge um he's getting all the trouble I'm staying out of trouble um whenever he could

he would take me places he would take his mute mute guitar player out um and when I did talk he uh on a crazy stutter

and he never uh Yeah, he's never said anything about it. It's cool. And I don't remember the year, but around this time. So as the video is playing, it is around this time. But we would either go after seeing a show at Showcase, seen a show, not playing, but we're either going on Denny's

or we're going to In-N-Out. And there's a moment. I haven't thought about this in years until today. I woke up just kind of clearing my head put on the record and the gym hearing his voice and I was like fuck is something else

I don't know maybe I'll find the words when this episode goes on but anyway yeah we're in and out and Mitch probably got into some trouble as he always does no no surprise but yeah he got followed and remember this white truck this white truck pulls into

also I'm sorry a very important part of story you know when someone's like about to fight and it's a lot of people around it was like that I'm like what I don't even know what was going on in my I guess there's a lot of people in a parking lot of people and I know most of them so that's cool

I'm sure this guy out I mean it makes sense but yeah but a white bro truck pulls up exactly what you expect lifted big makeup for a small dick probably and these guys come out and yeah a fight

breaks out you know I never been in a fight so I was fucking scared I'm not fighting anybody I remember this guy approached me and I still kind of like I thought about his face today I'm like wow I still kind of remember what he looked like I still kind of remember his

haircut because everyone kind of had like this shitty like spiky haircut with short on his side it's like gel i still remember i'm like wow he's this guy has approached me not knowing who i was i'm like what hell's going on i mean he's squared up and i was like no and uh what happened right after this is why mitch is a legend there's so the bro guys but also there's this one guy and it was a thing in corona Some people kind of were pretending to be gangsters and dressed kind of that way. And this guy was also that cliche.

He had a, he was a certain kind of race, I'll say. He had a, you know, unfortunately a cliche Mexican kid. Shaved head, exactly what you expect. Badano over his face, massive white shirt, too big for his body. but what what this kid was doing is he was pretending that uh that that he had a gun so basically he had his white shirt on it was like he had his hand like either you're gonna grab your own dick or you know you have some or you have a gun or maybe he's trying to say hey check out my pussy dude on something like he was he was either that or he had he has a gun but obviously given the

what's going on that moment it's it was He was pretending he had a gun. So I stuck away. Some of my other friends stayed in the cars. And Mitch says to this kid, he don't have enough bullets for all of us. And stood up to that kid. Did not back down.

He went forward. No fear. No fear and conviction. Yeah, just like you sang. And then the top it off, he turns around. And this is a lot of people behind them. Me and Cloddy, it's like, you're all a bunch of bitches. Oh my goodness, dude.

Oh, my goodness. How do you... He was right? He was right. And maybe... That kind of... I kind of set the tone for, for, uh, for the rest of, uh, the rest of his life and the band, how he lived.

And, um, maybe that kind of gave me like a, maybe that kind of gave me like a subconscious respect for him. So it's some kind of like subconscious thing, you know. But he still pissed me off. There's a lot of things he did. I'm fucking not happy about. But, yeah, I guess it's one of those things that you had to be there. Or maybe some of you have a friend that did that in front of you.

Like, what the fuck? This isn't fake, man. This is not fake shit. This guy. This guy's ready to die. And he doesn't care. And he's not drunk either. He's not drugs.

He says he's sober. It makes it even more. I have to add a very important fact. Usually people do this when they hammer, then maybe that will hold that. that that that that fake confidence the fake provider no is he's a straight edge kid with straight their tattoos um but yeah that that was that was pretty cool and then uh yeah we're jamming as as much as we can he worked at target he didn't have um he didn't have a car for a period of time

so he would uh ask his big josh our previous drummer sul one of my best friends today um they live together and he was working on target then he spent all of this this thing about singers they just don't um I'm generalizing as I do but uh they just don't why why don't they buy anything why don't they buy a by a fucking mic dude buy a cable buy it buy a PA they just don't do that

um I think that's why secretly guitar players and band members get Pissed Singer and he's like we're all buying We're spending the money we don't have Working The expensive gear To his credit Mitch's credit he did go to Radio Shack

And he bought it Excuse me He bought a crappy Radio Shack cable The crappy A crappy Mike Back when Radio Shack was still a thing

And he sold some music gear I guess Because yeah he bought a cable from there I remember it was green and some like toy mic or something and you put that through a Fender guitar combo it sounds like shit

but you got but but he got his voice still came through that so yeah we're doing our thing going to shows hanging outside the venue soaking all in

playing when we can Mitch Mitch and Gabe Cho which we talk about a lot he's and they were close to showcase for playing shows

around there is getting our name out there then you know got a manager and then it was his idea

the manager was working for prosthetic records at the time so I was stoked I remember I remember like being at anchos

washing dishes and you would call me and like damn holy shit I'm washing dishes at my job and someone from label was calling me

I felt cool yeah he started to manage us and then he knew how to work a camera so he filmed our show at the showcase and we do what we do

Mitch is going insane, I'm going insane, the band's going insane and you put that on my space and I want to say fact check me if you want go for it I believe I want to say Suiza sounds like the first band in music

that put a video of themselves on MySpace. We're not talking rap or metal or rock, no, we're music. Because once he found a way to embedded, geeky stuff, embedded like the code into our MySpace and then it worked and then it took off. Before us, not us, but every band on the planet. I don't remember seeing any music video on their MySpace.

And back then, MySpace was kind of taking off. So our video is kind of taking off. And also we have a lot of parallels with Dan Cook because he was popping up on MySpace. People talking on him. We're popping off of JFAC and people talked to on us. But we didn't care. And we were really trying to get rid of the MySpace term they were using on us. But yeah, that got us doing what we do, playing shows around here.

Being homies, going to Denny's and now we're going on tours. our first full-fledged tour. And this is another other story. Set this one up. So yeah, we're, I want to say 2006? Spreading the Z's Tour. So it was us. Also Parish, which is how we eventually got really close to Eddie.

Nice like these. Like this city. Who else? Someone else? dope played. Too pure to die. Yeah, so it was 2006. 2006.

We can't really find anything right now. I know I know there's flyers about it, but I say anyway, it's 2006. So this is like a full-fledged. I wish we'd see dates because that shit was fucking long. Shit was, oh gosh, it was like too much long. And I think Alex tried out right before this. And then we kind of, I'm really hoping Jay finds, finds these dates because, It's kind of we just, okay, we're going to move, move on.

But, yeah, so, um, with that one of MySpace and us fucking kicking ass, every band on that tour was signed, but us. So we were headlining, Osher Parish was signed. I cite these, like Central Media, I mean, whatever. I mean, they're all. So that made us kind of think, like, wow, like, we could really do, like, our own, our own thing but yeah I remember right before

it was either right before that one did it. Okay so this is a story I'm trying to set up here it was either right before that tour right after I was about to get a promotion at my job I was working out of hospital and I went there and busted my ass

I made a name for myself very quickly whatever I did, I've always tried to be the best at. I've always had this thing, like a very competitive. If I was dishwasher, I made sure I was the best dishwasher there. And they offered me a promotion. And basically I had to choose, but it required me to be there full time. So it required me to either pursue music or take this promotion, laid back job, lay back, the raise.

I mean, I would be set for life. And then I would leave work rush over and then the guys already be practicing. I remember, which I was mad at Mitch for a while about this in Mark and Mark 2. I'm working my ass off, but I cone the fucking Jay found it. There's so many fucking shows. July 14th that started and I went on August 14th, September 6th. actually it ended I think it ended at Showcase

so the last date it's not even on it so yeah too much long too long and I go into the garage what did I say it was a condescending comment but it took me a while to process that he was right

it was like why do you have a job or why something like that like he was basically talking shouldn't mean for

having me in job. And remember like being mad like, oh, here's these fucking high school dropouts telling me telling me shit about life. Remember, I kind of held it against him for a while, but he was right. You know, I didn't understand it at the time.

But I did, obviously I mean my decision, but he definitely pushed me in that right direction. Had to fucking stop. And also another reason why I'm talking about this one tour. So we do it. It was nice. We got really

close to Eddie. I mentioned Eddie got a matching tattoos on their foot. They have a fucking goat, like a goat's face, goat head. How do you say that? So, it came really close with Osherrish.

Then came home from that. I believe that was, I want to say that was 5. I think this is our last sober tour. I think we did a few more Actually I think it was the next I think it was the next year

And Jay look up Look up suicide silence Super Tora's sworn enemy That's 2006 then Shit's gonna make a lot of sense I just want to get my My dates right before I say something stupid Which is easy to do

2006 Cool So that makes sense That makes a lot of sense Okay, so that tour with Eddie, that was our last sober tour. And you could still, literally the dates are on there. Wait, go up, go on November. So it's, yep, at the, I don't think it was the boardwalk.

I think that venue changed. But Alex, that was Alex's birthday, and we started a fucking drinking. And that started, that started the whole. the whole thing. Actually, was Mitch drinking by by then? Oh shit, I think I might have fucked up. I don't remember him drinking on that tour though.

But maybe that's because I wasn't. But he might have been fucking raging because his, uh, he just had his birthday's in October. And he just turned, he would have turned 40, 40 years old. And I'm turning three

maybe he was drinking back then so let me never mind that was my last just to be accurate that's probably my last soap atore that was because once I always kind of subconsciously yeah respected Mitch

and once he had the tattoos like the look you had the fucking even even back then like local show he just had like this this thing and I went he turned 21. He sold out.

And then me looking up to him, maybe without knowing, maybe I just didn't realize that to it right now. Once he started drinking, I'm like, okay. Now it's my turn. Okay, now it's like, it was like made it okay to like, I'm about to turn 3 or 9. He would be turning 40.

So yeah, that's over a year older than me. So, yeah, okay. He was probably drinking. on that tour but nothing crazy like we weren't maybe we just they didn't once like the rest of the band started drinking maybe that's when he just started going fucking nuts

I think Mark was drinking too he was fucking what like he was a child a child man is that show on on the internet dude I don't know it might be I forget which ones

might it is that it that'd be that'd be That'd be fucking crazy. But anyway, so he sold out and then I sold out and then just fucking started this. I think it was at the beginning. I do talk about drinking a lot during that time because it really was like the beginnings of, I guess you could say it was the very early stages of what would basically come to destroy us. But it's weird. like you know we you're 20 you know again I just I didn't start drinking until I was 21

technically I was 20 because Alex's birthday is a week and a half before mine so he turned 21 I drank on his birthday and then I turned 21 shortly after she remember like riding yet this writing riffs sober not even knowing what alcohol is or weird nothing just just uh just uh sober, it's writing and clear head isn't the word it's

the vision was there and the clarity I had I had the plot I'm going to steal that from Malcolm Young he talks about drinking and losing the plot

and just yeah something when I started drinking something big got lost but you know what do you do what do when you're on you're traveling

the country in the world with your best friends and eventually they become your family and you're experimenting together and uh it's fucking smoking weed and drinking and it was but yeah then we uh

which I also learned from Alex and Marka they said they were smoking resin in the garage when they were riding the cleansing and now I'm sober so someone someone just kind of has to be like kind of has know, steering, steering the ship, you know, and everyone can kind of go crazy. But I guess I just relate that to what would eventually happen.

So yeah, fast forward. I remember, like, when the record was done, hearing it back, I'm like, this is something. This is something. To this day, like, our producer has not captured our sound. This hasn't. I was listening to it, like, this morning. I'm just, like, honing in on certain things. just like sitting there ignoring the people around me just like sitting there about my

clothes i'm like just hearing like my tone like that's that's who i am that's literally what i was trying to say and uh hearing mitch's voice his patterns and his cadence and like this there's nothing like it back then there still isn't he's just saying as i must i was wondering where where is he's singing from but yeah anyway that that fucking record comes out and We did some really cool tours. I know, like, when I was saying earlier, when we just started, like, it's just been like this go. I don't know how else to put it.

Let's just go. You're just hanging on. And then, yeah, it turned into a full on debauchery. I don't even know, like, how the second record got done or the third one. People like those records, which is cool. It's always, you know, I can't help but attach emotions and experiences to records. I need to really take myself out of it. But writing, no time I don't believe, was really hard.

That's definitely true. Like, I think Mitch was still on his A game as far as his voice and the lyrics he was bringing. It's bringing real life stuff. Singing from someplace else. You know, there was no. on technique back then. He was doing what he does. And I remember this. It took me, I held a grudge, even after he passed away, I held this grudge a long time. Maybe I didn't even let go of it till recently. But writing the songs was a little harder than the first one. Now there's outside

factors. And remember, like, we like, so we recorded in New Jersey. So we fucking, what, we and flew there with some gear. And, yeah, because there's, there's, like, some, some discussion came up where it's, like, where Mark should record all the guitars. And Mitch wanted this, like, kind of more polished sound or something.

And I was, so, I don't really record that many guitars on the record. And it took me a long time to get over that. Because it really set the tone for, like, the rest of our career. not in a good way either and uh and uh

I was never that mad at mark about it because it's not his place but anything that Mitch said to me it always stuck just it was something else it would just cut

whether it was bad or it's good it was whatever little thing you said it was just like you fucking cut and man when like once I was like oh man can you bring us up

like before we fucking came to a different state. Like, but, you know, obviously we're, we're still kids and you can't expect people to have those kind of communication skills. And I was fucking piss at him for a long years, years,

years, but but I get it, you know, life's going, going fast. I mean, Mitch, you know, he has a daughter, you know, so it's yeah, he had a life at home too. But, uh, eventually we'll kind of get back on our third record. I came back to tracking some tracking my parts and it was it was pretty cool.

But you had the, the Bashiari continued throughout the second record that that whole cycle is kind of a, it was fun. It's fun and the memories are cool. Remember our first time in the fucking arena was Slayer and it was cool. like it was cool to share that with him. There's a bunch of stupid kids from the I.E. We're able to take no singing this far. And anyway, we're fucking doing our things, torn. And then there was a, I believe we're on a flight.

We're on a flight. I think Mitch was showing him to mark. I think he was showing lyrics. And eventually, you only live once. I remember Mark saying that they weren't good or something. But Mitch stuck by his guns. Yeah, he obviously would get home and start writing. I mean, the record was also more hard to write.

A little bit harder, a lot more alcohol. I'm already doing cocaine at, at this point. Close to useless, but not exactly. I'm fatter. But no matter what, like, as far as talent and as far as being who he was, Mitch was the one that really,

no matter what the band was going through, he always delivered way higher than the rest of us. And maybe I didn't realize that until right now. He, um, like them trying to bleed those vocals, man. after like now you got outside distraction he delivered the lyrics

and the ideas and then fast forward in two years more debauchery and he did it again the outside like what was going on in outside he just delivered with the lyrics and

how he said it and unlike nobody unlike anybody unlike anybody it was like I wish I kept up with them but it's fucking sad and then um you're right when uh right right before this pile was listening to this that song uh witness uh addiction and hearing his voice over john's parts it's like this it was fucking wild it was wild and uh and um and again

go out in row do our thing multiple world tours and we're just you know I don't want to go too far into that it's just really the same thing was kept doing like the same thing with go go go doing the mayhem festivals and um it was cool and then uh we're doing it's weird because because you can't like you don't know you can't predict but at minchin's tour with us was that all-star's tour it was a it was a u.s tour and um i think right right before actually this just just popped in my I remember right before that we came in from a tour some tour and then I'll I called him like right right after and it was my attempt to communicate with them without having the tools to communicate with

him I was checking in to see how he was doing because uh his voice was hurting um you know there's no there's no YouTube for you to go on there's all the tutorials just like uh people like people like to point out these things like sometimes people point out Mitch's videos from the last couple years of our career like when we were going hard and there's there's no technique out there all the bands that you that you talk about all have these techniques

Mitch and I have that so to to compare like all like they're better like you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about now there's no he just had his own he was he was slept to his own devices to figure it out on his own plus

um the physical aspect of it he basically he basically rocks out harder than all other death core vocal is combined combined him and he doesn't even they don't even match up to Mitch this dude was going off and he was a

I think he had some neck issues I pretty sure he needed neck surgery this dude she's but we're just going going I remember I called him try to connect with them and I think he said it was fine

and we didn't hang out we just waited for the next tour I think there's one time or which I I compare this one moment to everybody I don't know if it's right or wrong

but I'm sorry I'm just kidding this whole time I'm getting flooded with like memories I'm trying to put it out in a in some kind of fashion but

around the same time we're out in like France or something and I said some stupid shit he said dumb shit not like a big blober or even a fight it was just like you know this you know a little drunk bickering you know

but Mitch was by far Mitch was he was the most stubborn person I had met in my life stubborn as shit it would drive you fucking insane the dude was so stubborn And it's pros and constant of that, you know,

stubborn with your vision and your dream and obviously helped him and his way of doing things. But when you, but there's other side of it that, and we had our bickering and he said sorry. And then I said sorry. And I always compare that moment to everybody. Like if you, if that dude can say sorry,

that dude could put aside his ego for a minute and say sorry and say I love you I literally held that to everybody and there's like a few moments in my life where people didn't say sorry

I'm like oh that's like I kind of hold a grudge there but he's you know he's his integrity and character always show

in those rare rare moments but it was always there he was always a great dude um but yeah oh man oh when was it

we were going to see uh we're all going to see Ramstein at the Hana Center, which is down the street from here, and DK didn't go because he was hanging out with someone else. And then we had, at the time, that arena was across the street from a hooters. And I think this is what prompted me to call him because I walk into Hooters. And that's when Mitch got the tattoo on his face, like right by his eye.

I was like, oh shit, he did it. I was like, oh, interesting. I didn't think anything like negative of it, but maybe it kind of awakens something in me. I wonder if he's, you know, okay. Again, back when that shit wasn't cool, he was just following his own path, man. But anyway, fast forward,

we do this fucking, ended up being the last tour of our career with Mitch. Cool dude, you know, struggling. struggling. It's weird looking at those videos too from that era. It was this we need a break

like a long long break and but we're out there and his voice is hurting we're meat mark we're fat as fuck just drinking but

Yeah, that tour was over. And then we did an off show and, I think it was on the way back home. I'm doing an off show and I think it was in Lubbock, Texas. It was an outdoor venue. And he had, he has a fucked up thing going on with his elbow. Like it was a infection. I think he got, he might have gotten in on stage, but don't, but don't quote me there. See, he had an infection which she would actually get really infected by the time he got home.

and letting him in the hospital. But no one knew. Not even the people there. It wasn't even a good turnout. It was a terrible turnout. But that was his last show. I think that was August 2012. And no one knew.

How can you know? How can you know? At that point, I was at that point, was over it. I was, I already made up my mind that I was going to quit. So we already had the other tour booked with Asking Alexandria and Alciadine. That was already booked for the fall, I believe, or winter. I think it was an outbreak tour or something like that. That one, yeah. Yeah, so yeah, it was a winter, so I see December in there. So that was already lined up. We're sorry to write We're trying to write the new record.

A new record. Which one of the songs would end up going on you can't stop me. But I made it up in my mind. It was over. My God, I just... Yeah, you know, in your... In your... How was I?

26. I think it was 26. And, you know, don't have the... We don't have the... the tools, the mental, emotional tools to know how to process our thoughts and how to navigate them. So I knew back then I wanted to change, maybe it was fat trying to figure out, you know. But my decision I made at the time was to quit or, but it was weird because the guys were

still, they were still, they were still, they were still jamming at. my house. It was weird. They were like So I would be in that backyard Like just cooking chicken because I was like trying to meal prep to lose weight. That's exactly what I was doing. And so yeah, they were jamming in the garage with the producer Which I held a garage against for a while.

And yeah, the only dude that would check up on me was Mitch. You came back there. A little bit of small talk You know Like you know what's up dude And then You know we have a pool In the backyard

And yeah just small talk And then He walked By the pool around the corner Like I seen him do I don't know how many times Since I was A early teenager

And That would end up being the last time I ever spoke to him And so Fast forward to Halloween Oh then Then he had a birthday He had like this like birthday

Gathering, it was like public He didn't even made like a flyer for it It had a big old party and I didn't go I regret not going But Yeah and then Halloween for some reason Yesterday was Halloween

I was here for a little bit and went home and slept. It's always kind of a weird day. I don't know. I don't know why. I still don't know why. I still don't know why I didn't do anything. Didn't go out.

Didn't go to Buffalo Wow. I wanted to get hammered. Didn't call anybody. It was weird. It was weird. You know what? Stay home. I'm on drinking.

I'm going to go to, I'm going to drive down the street to McGillis Jr., which is a Mexican spot. an island empire. It's one of my favorite burritos on a planet. You know, I'm going to get a bean and cheese burrito and get fatter. And that's what I'm going to do. And I got the burrito.

And on my way home, it's like three miles away. From getting a burrito to the drive to my house, our previous manager calls me. And saying that Mitch got in an accident. And he's like, yeah, it happened. You know, we got a little backstory. We just signed to nuclear blast, and it gave us a pretty big signing bonus. So, me, Mitch did what we do.

He got a Harley, and I got a Cadillac CTS, which I would end. up associating negative thoughts. Maybe that's why I never took care of it. You know, I thought I was so fucking cool. I bought the car for a wrong reason. I bought it to look cool. But also, I generally loved the car. I'm going to buy that car again.

And we both did what we do. And yeah, he got a, I get, so he just got a new bike. And, uh, I get the call. I want to say it was around like 6 p.m. It was definitely in the evening. It was definitely dark outside, dark, dark. And I remember I was passing the church

and turning right onto me, noia, which is where I live, told my parents what happened, and I'm leaving. And I told my manager to just send me the address. I didn't think about if I'm going. where is he? And, um, so told my parents what happened. Well, in and out, in and out.

Drop my bread off and I fucking got back my car and drove. He was in Irvine, which from here, Irvine is, uh, it's a neighboring town over. It's like the next, like, nice, nice place from from Corona. It's like, with no traffic, which on Halloween, there's no traffic. It was like, uh, it's like an under 30 minute drive. and man I remember parking the car and was walking inside

at the hospital basically like a it was like a big waiting area it was like a big ceiling like a tall ceiling like it wasn't like a room it was like in like the like we were sitting

like a middle of everything super tall ceiling and it was myself our manager and Mitch's dad Kip and then we were kind of texting back and forth with

the other guys in the band giving them updates I was getting a little bit more information like such as you know he crashed in Huntington Beach which is where he was living at the time

and Yeah, just doing updates and remember. It felt like we're there for a while. We're there for so long. It felt like I was taking naps. It was there for a bit sitting. It's basically waiting for an update and basically what was happening is he was in surgery. They were trying to save his life.

Anyone that has ever been in that kind of spot, we probably have found a member or friend. They can't really tell you exactly what's happening. But you want answers. It's a very tough spot for the people that work at the hospital to give you news. And he's hanging out with just dad and their manager. Some of the other guys are out of town. I don't want to speak for him.

But, yeah, the bad one was when we got, like, one update was, I remember a doctor was talking to Kip. And, yeah, I was looking out at his shoe. and you see blood on the scrub oh man this is not good that was kind of like that was kind of like the hit of a reality so this is not good

and uh yeah then then more more time passes and then then finally we were able to go upstairs uh was in surgery and then uh yeah then we're a lot so

at this point I believe they'd done everything that they could They're trying to stop the bleeding. And I believe he was bleeding it internally. And, um, yes, we're, now we're upstairs. Now we're in the same level. And, uh, they let us say hi to him.

But so technically he was alive. I keep forgetting that. Like, he was alive when I saw him, when we saw him. And, uh, man, we're just hanging out. You were talking. Yeah. I didn't know what to say. I don't know if he was going on,

but I assume that's what they mean for someone that's fighting for their life. Yeah, and these are like the four hours of the morning. It's probably already November 1st at this point. And, yeah, I didn't know until like it happened. So anyone that's unfortunately, have you ever been in spot, unfortunately, yeah, it's kind of like, you're kind of like allowed to, you're kind of like allowed to be there. I see like the nurses kind of brushing

like this bed and the doctors and then out of nowhere. I remember the doctor going up to Kipp saying, I'm sorry. I was like, oh, sorry what? And obviously he passed away. And it's like a movie. It just doesn't. Just the, I run away from that moment

along with many others. And I would basically start the second half of my career. Yeah, there's only been like twice in my life where there's a, like a thought entered in my head and literally, that's just what's going to happen. And it's been true. Like, when the band first started, like, there was no division was there and I never wavered. And I'm fascinated, like, how I try to do other things in my life like that. So everything that happened in the band was never really surprising. It was because it happened in my head already.

And unfortunately, the second time that happened was literally the moment Mitch died. The first thought that popped in my head was the band's not stopping. There's no way. And it literally, no matter what I read or saw or heard, it just wasn't. It won't even like get in. there. It's just, it's, it's, it's fucking fascinating. I don't know what, what, what that is. But, um, it's fucking sad, man. Lost, uh, we lost, uh, our, the face of the band, uh, singer, brother, and best friend all in one, one moment. You know, he was, he was everything in

my life. I don't even know. It's such a cliche, man, but it's true. You don't know what we had till it's gone. I guess that's why it is, I guess that's why people say that. It's lost everything in one, in one moment, in one moment. But, this is early, this is early in the morning. And then at this point, Mitch's friends have already heard what's going on. So I'll show in there for a couple more hours, I believe, and people started to come in to see him. He was already, he already died at this point obviously so um once a lot of other people I'm like I'm going

home this and then um I don't know to grieve what's that um I drove home I remember them

they're not being in traffic went home and um I kid you not internet I kid you not the moment I parked my car go home someone got one of it

um someone posted on Facebook and then it fucking took off. Before I know it was a headline on the news sites. The metal stuff, the, this not metal and it's like real. I mean, this, every, it was all over. Literally during that drive, some fucking, no, whatever. Some idiot fucking posting on Facebook.

But, uh, fucking bitch. It's not their fault, but, uh, It felt like robbed, but then again, you can't control these things. The world caught, the moment I parked in a car, everyone knew. I remember the first person I called me was he was our previous A&R. He signed us to Central Media. Steve Joe, he was a great guy. And I remember he called and I picked up and I couldn't say anything.

So I hung up. And that's when you just let the phone calls happen and texts. And it was everywhere. everybody knew and then that started the second half of our career yeah it just sucks man and another cliche another cliche man like uh like they always take like the best like why yeah why did i why did that why that be why that become a thing people to die first seem to be the ones that uh yeah they always take the special ones first it's weird it's really weird. But yeah, I'm trying not to make this too dark, but yeah, and then at that moment I realized,

which I'm still working through, pretty close to it, but I realized how dark people can get. It's different when you're just talking shit in your band, and this is fine, but when it gets really personal like that, and you have comments and people still make comments about it, I learned, oh, this isn't a joke. This is... This is... There's some fucking dark people out there. So I learned, I learned a hard way like you, you know, I want to fucking be in the comments and be cool everyone, but it's just, it's just, that just can't, you know, you can't.

Once you let in the cool stuff, you let in the bad stuff. And that's just life and that's just the way it is. So I'm not like, I don't try to ignore people when they put comments down, but it's just, I kind of started the whole. And people still say shit. It's like, why, man? And also kind of, it really kind of gave, it really just like

maximized and forced, at least myself in a position where I really just don't care. And I don't care care. It's just, you really develop this extremely thick skin. And I don't give a fuck. So I don't. Anyone has ever said anything towards about Mitch in the comments.

Anyone in an industry, I remember. I don't want you listen to the band. I don't want you to buy it. I don't want you at the shows. Don't listen to the podcast. I don't care. That kind of stuff is pretty unforgivable. And then that kind of,

I met up with the guys, like probably the next day. He one of the first guys I saw with Alex. In our front yard where the band started where he tried out. What, what, 15 years earlier? And I panced him. I would do this thing where I'll pants.

someone, but this is where it gets dark. When you pant someone, you put your foot on their pants so they can't pull it up and you push him. And when you tried out, that's what I did to him. He had Jim shorts. He still wears him all the time. Pants him. I put my foot on his gym shorts and I pushed him.

And he can't roll like a roly pole. And his body moved in such a way that looked very natural. but uh did that literally 15 years earlier to that other moment it's just and that's that's life and um we would uh we would go to like yeah with niche we would go to like buffalo wow wings and just have like that's where we had our band meetings for some reason we just got really creative uh and also just a drinking environment it's just kind of i don't know at the time that place was really cool. It was popping off in Corona. And we always go there and talk about ideas and I remember someone talking about the only once video concept. Like a lot of this happened there. So we did

the same thing except with one last person. And that's what kind of started the whole idea with the with the memorial show. It spawned there. It started and then again, no grieving. Okay, now we have something else to do. And we started getting ready for that and contacting the singers maybe without knowing, using it as a,

as a form of escape. And we started getting ready for the show. So literally that was all of our, some of our November, all of our December. The show was, I mean, the show is less than two months away. It was fucking crazy. It's still like the,

the fact that it got put together in the venue. And so we came with the idea that I'd have all celebrate his life. And had all, either Mitch's friends or people that we met along the way on tour. Some legendary people came out. That was Mitch. He had, he had that pool, man.

And remember, it was a cool show. I remember I was locked out of our hotel, so I was just kind of, I forgot, I'm not going to say who, but I was at somebody's room. It was the second to the last time I did Coke. It was the second to the last time. And we're hanging out, and then it was probably like 5 a.m. or some. It was early, and I can't get into our room. So I'm kind of sitting out in the hallway of this hotel, and then Randy comes out.

He had an early flight and he was already sober at the time. He was also still dealing with the stuff in Prague. So there was kind of rumblings of that might be his last time on stage because no one knew. And the fact that Randy came out regardless of what he was going through and seeing how he prepared for it was that that's what characters met of. Randy's a special guy. He's on that list. And I remember he got out of there. I remember like he walked.

I remember him walking away. I remember feeling really embarrassed. He was insane. And I was like, man, he, because I already knew, he was sober. And here I am. A drunk idiot. Just lost her a singer.

And I'm on cocaine in front of a hotel. I can't get in. But, but yeah. And then in January, we had a, so that was, that was also towards really, it was really close to Christmas. So it's pretty, pretty amazing people part, stepped away from family time and this made it happen. It was really close to Christmas. And so I remember in January, there's an, an empire friend, got married in Vegas, so I had the last minute an invite.

So I went and you're in Vegas. I didn't do anything too crazy. I don't remember even getting hammered. It was just, I remember drinking and then we would do this thing where someone would go to the bathroom first. And obviously, I'm protecting identities here. But, you know, someone go to the bathroom, do Coke. then we'll take turns because because they have security.

They kind of know when like a group of, you can't all grow in the bathroom with a group of guys. So someone will come out. And you do like that baggy handoff, like a fucking psycho. And then I remember that day? I was like,

what am I doing? I'm still doing this shit. And that was last time I did drugs as far as that kind. So, yeah, almost going on 12 years, a couple months away. I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of my brain rotting.

It doesn't do good for me. And that really started the journey. January was a, that really started the process. Mark was also, he went vegetarian. He was going on. he's uh he's going on his own weight weight loss uh journey and uh

we're kind of we're kind of like parallel parallel losing weight and uh I was over it I was over it and then right after that I lost my uh me and my fiance split up which was uh one of the best days of my life I was I was a little shithead so it goes both ways

and there's a lot a lot going on and then um it's crazy when I I look at the dates. Have you ever, like, to remember something, you just compare it to something that happened to you? And that's like, okay, oh, that was 2012. That's, like, then you kind of gauge your time.

You know, I do that with Mitch and some tours or, like, or records. But, yeah, I started losing weight. Right out of the gates, I told myself, I'm going to be single until I'm 35. And I'm just turned 27 then. So, you know, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32. I believe I met my chick when I was 32, 33. So at least five years.

So I almost made it. But, you know, if I'm going to do suicide silence, I can't even, I can't do the on and off thing with a female. That's just, so unfortunately it made it pretty easy to break things off. I had something to focus on, but, yeah, and also to step back a little bit, um, it's about two, two days after Mitch passed away, we went to his, his apartment. He was really, uh, he was really into conspiracies. He was, uh, like, end in the world stuff, like,

there was, there was supposed to be like this, uh, he was trying to bring up to us, not to play a show because there was going to be an earthquake in Anaheim, California at this certain time because it matched up with this date, like some conspiracy thing. And we were talking, we're going back and forth about not playing this one show. So he was really

into it. And he has a daughter, obviously, so he probably that's just maximized his dot process. And but we get a hold of his iPad and I told the story before about just to ingrain and people, what kind of person Mitch was.

but we go to anyway his search history is literally like 2012 um earthquakes conspiracy stuff and then I went to his

notepad and literally the first thing that popped that was you can't stop me and another one of those things that set the tone

for the years to come and even when he died you couldn't stop him that's just fucking crazy there's no words for that and uh that's those lyrics we'll end up using that because we were going to also he the band had two songs demoed

and they were going to pre pre pre-prone with Mitch the day after he passed so he was probably already messing with it and uh unfortunately he didn't he never got to record those two songs uh But it's funny he was so like he was so into 2012 because the whole like Mayan calendar and in the world but you know it was an in the world in some cases. Yeah man it's all it's all been a blur it was just go even like I think we all deal

with it is just like because now like the drug aren't an option anymore and then like the blacked out trunk every night that's not an option anymore and that's not an option anymore and you have like there's like these I I could only to put it into words I could only describe it as clouds um uh you're trying to you're trying to see clearly trying to have a clear mind the clear vision and trying to and it's felt like surrounded by clouds it's clouds and then once you don't know do is face you know face things head on and I was trying to work things out you know boring stuff reading books and I talked about it before but uh anyway moving on and then uh once you get past one cloud there was an other one and then another one and it's just all this shit that

I haven't dealt with my whole life childhood trauma stuff of oh no it just just kept that and plus we're on tour and it's just it was damn they're almost impossible to but um getting eddy seemed very seamless he was the only guy that i think had any kind of human capacity to take on what he was about to take on and uh not a lot of people give him credit for it but um you know he has matching tattoos with Mitch he knew us he came in it came in it with respect and um the voice was there, the talent. And that time, yeah, that time like him getting in the, working out a little bit, trying to, you know, I lost a few pounds.

And then he gets in the band now. He's in the band. To we announced it to the records written, the records recorded. Now we're in Australia. Like, that seemed, that did not seem like a year. It might have been two years. It did not seem like that at all. And then, yeah, for Mitch to that, now we're literally on the road.

And that was after, that was after, like, I've heard it all. I've heard it all. I've seen it all. Whether it's from people in bands or people in industry or listeners. you know, they said it was impossible to come back. And it never once ever, not once got into my psyche. And again, it happened in my life twice.

And I just don't know what that is. I try to, I try to get that back. It's like, I don't know, something was in me. Because there was, I mean, it's not like we went from Mitch to Eddie, but I didn't know I talked like it was quick, but yeah, there was some time we didn't have a singer. And like, it never once woke up like,

what are we going to do? do. I just instinctually knew, just instinctually knew that a miracle was going to happen. And not only do we have a band on the ground, but we have someone in a band, you know, above us. So I felt like I had the spiritual advantage over everybody else. And obviously, people will say, you know, why keep the band in? Why might not change it? Why it goes to, again, like my first thought was the band's not stopping. And the only thing I have, because it's, again, it's very,

it's beyond disrespectful when people say what they might have thought Mitch would have wanted, he had no idea. And it's very disrespectful. You would even consider that. I know the guy, and I wouldn't do that. But all I have, all I have is, you know, if it was me and it was reversed,

I won't want him to keep going under any circumstance. So that's all I got. And we took the appropriate steps. Okay, is this feel right? Okay, is this feel right? Okay, does this feel right? Okay, so make sure everything was done right.

And he got support from his family, which means it's top priority. How do we feel about each other? How do we even feel? Everything felt right. Everything was. right it's kind of you know it wasn't exactly a business decision I think everyone has proved out already yeah Eddie doesn't really get any credit for

stuff like this but he went on full-fledged world tours he was touring like he was a kid again to try to read regain the in what you might have lost but he did and that was all blur that was we went from Soundwave to Australia, which is a massive festival tour in Australia. The fence Seminpo was on it. Corn, you name. There's

so many bands. There are so many bands. So his first his first show was, I believe, was in Brisbane. Like a massive fucking crowd. Which all in that, the same thing happened in Dan County. His first show with us was with Parkway Drive in Brisbane.

in front of like 5,000 people. For some reason, Brisbane has a interesting part in our lives. But went from that to doing the European festivals in June and then straight into the Mayhem tour with the Avenged in Corn. So we kind of got, and the record dropped during that one, and then a lot of best case scenarios. Then after that, we got the direct support with corn. basically just

accomplish it impossible but things with stuff like that it's what will bring you successful is what will also break you I guess we're going to do one big

one big circle right now but yeah it just it's not like I don't think about Mitch it's just it's just like around this time on his birthday or his

today Halloween is like what do I sometimes I'll post some but I'll pop up in my I'm like do I even want to post do I feel obligated is this

it's only I don't think about him it's like he's always in my subconscious every day he drives every decision I make I always feel weird around this time like what fuck I mean what the fuck do you do

um it's because I just I just attached a lot It's attached a lot of memories to him. Like, I think something I never talked about before, but his, uh, his funeral was, it's like a lot of firsts were with Mitch. First time drinking, first record. First, uh, first time seeing someone die.

First time bearing someone. And, um, yeah, there's, uh, we're in Orange County. obviously we're obviously we're all there the bands there are all kind of more towards the back and seen anyone going to walk up to Mitch and take one last

look I don't want to look because there was some in that state but uh man we were just trying to play music man and when we were doing that and the next like you're you know Mitch's dad Kip had the idea of

what's that word where uh j you might you might you might pulled up or a where you hold the casket towards the grave there's there's the name for that correct so we're a paubar so that was my first time doing that so it was uh at the four of us and a freno is so fucking sad you're just basically carrying like your your dead friend and then carrying him to this uh And so, I mean, it's a big, it's a big lot. It's a big, uh, so you know, you walk up and you see like the grave and then you see a big mountain of dirt. So basically what, and they kind of have workers chilling there because it's basically like, well, if the funeral has to end,

and the moment it ends, the workers already work and basically put in the dirt. That process of, um, carrying them. I haven't thought about that till right now. Everyone is just like looking at like a big hole in the ground. It's fucked up. So I'm trying to figure out a way to wrap this up. I gave myself no timeline. So if you want to hear it, cool, we don't.

It can turn it off. But I partially give you a warning that's going to get dark. But yeah, I mean, life went on, you know. I didn't do it on purpose. but it just didn't. Oh, no. I think it's like a human, like, defense mechanism where you're just like,

you don't allow yourself to think about things or process things or feel certain things. And things in our DNA. But, uh, yeah, I always kind of knew, but until I said it, I was like, yeah, I haven't really haven't. I've been, I purposely made myself so busy. that really haven't processed Mitch's death

and maybe grieved in a healthy way because it's just a lot of great memories great memories I'm stoked we had together but it's also attached to so many so many failures failure as a a friend failure as a brother failure as a bandmate

just it's just just there's just a lot of demons in that closet and I think I just close the door and put a lock on it but uh until now

I don't know about happening they also say but yeah it's 12 years ago man it doesn't feel like 12 years man it just doesn't now why are some moments slow and some just fly by it's fucking weird trying to think if there's anything else

I want to say or even should say but um I think I'm done um feel like I'm missing something. Maybe you don't mind the awkward silence. I appreciate it, but I don't like the, we don't like, we don't like to edit that out. We just kind of keep it there.

Feel the vibe. But yeah, I do kind of feel selfish when I bring myself into it. I don't know if that's right or wrong. It's just such a, it's just such a massive part of my life. Like those moments are just like, they're just, You know, and I say to my close friends, if it wasn't Mitch, I want to say it was going to be me. It was a fucking disaster. It was a fucking disaster driving when I shouldn't be driving.

It was, I don't know. It kind of sucks like when, like, you want something and you get it. But it's never what you really want. It's what you need. And that was, uh, remember being like, yeah, 26 and I wanted, I wanted to change. I need to help. Maybe some consciously praying in my mind. And, uh, I did get the help I needed. I got it. I just didn't, I just didn't know it's going to be that. You know, talked about this. Like, because for a human, we need to be jolted to fucking change us sometimes.

It just fucking sucks. That is, if it wasn't, it's something that dramatic didn't happen. I don't know where, I don't know where I would be. The band for sure wouldn't be around. It just sucks. It took me just dying to make changes. But I don't know. It's kind of hard to would have should have coulda, what would have happened.

It's impossible to tell. But yeah, hopefully get more of an insight into my feelings with the whole thing. When you have extreme moments like that, when you get like outside noise, you really just don't care.

You know, you got to follow your. your own heart and instinct as long as it's from yourself, not ego. And, um, yeah, we, we wouldn't be here. We didn't get the support for Mitch's family. Because his mother, his dad, Joe, he's been super supportive. When it was something negative happened to us, she always had something positive to say and stuck by us. It's cool.

And, uh, yes, we're like, when, uh, whenever I see the baby, band name now it's like I don't it just means this has so many different meanings now it's sadness it's heartbreak it's tragedy it's persistence it's character it's god integrity perseverance it's everything it's crazy so when you buy the shirts I kind of think that's why people are buying shirts now is that it's that some conscious signal you know that this the shape of the logo just represents the strength but how long is this

off going on fucking two hours I think um I mean honestly this podcast has really helped me I mean this isn't exactly what I had in mind to do solos but that's just what's been presenting itself and uh

I didn't know I needed this I literally had I've been involved avoiding this day for a while, just opening up the door and looking into the corners of my heart. But, uh, and we're just, we're about to, like, fucking start jamming again, and I've been putting it off. I've been talking about it, but I just know where I've got to go mentally, emotionally. But, um, anyway, thank you for listening and watching. Thank you for, uh, being a part of my, my journey. of being a uh how do you even say how do you even say this being an adult um growing up um

I don't even know it's it's so crazy it's been 10 years man it's so much has happened so much has happened it's crazy how long it's kind of why you need to be patient with people. You know, I consider myself definitely a mentally strong dude, but, man,

some people just, it took me over a decade to have some kind of clear mind. Over a decade. That's the work, gym and yoga, all that boring shit. My parents have been there,

very supportive, still very supportive. So there's, okay, that we're, we're going to end it, but if this works, It's already playing right now.

I don't only know until we do the edit. But there's, yeah, it's like, that's why I trust music, man. Like the, it just has like a fourth dimensional quality to it. It just transcends words. And there's a song. I always, I always touch on it. But, yeah, Angel's Sun from Seven Dust.

I always jammed that song. When I want to kind of at least, yeah, I kind of view it less like being a child. just sitting outside the door I don't want to open. So I'm reminded, but I won't open up the door. This kind of just reminds myself and Mitch. So yeah, I'll jam it very often, sometimes almost daily. And this song originally was written for a snot.

A Slin Strait passed away. He's known to be a legend as well. So it's very fitting. So we'll see that song's playing right now. I don't have anything. epic to end it with just from music so i'll leave it at that um yeah thanks for listening watching the pod um again thank you for being part of the journey thank you for listening to suicide silence hopefully this gives you some kind of a insight to what's going on um yeah right right before

we started this uh jay was playing some of my older episodes and the number one with Alex and with Ross and then we went straight to the lord of a dark fear and was like man it was fucking crazy man crazy how long how long this thing has come man I did not I would never imagine this is where it's going this is wild

but as they say it takes a while for ideas to develop just important things just to get started and not stop and I'm very lucky that there's been support kind of give us a little juice you know but Anyway, you're probably enjoying the song right now.

But, oh yeah, this is how I want to close it off. I knew I knew it's something. This is what it is. Since we're on a subject and it's already dark, we could just close the dark. They'll get positive next week, I promise. So tomorrow, this episode is also dedicated to Keith Pierce. He passed away this month and they're having a memorial tomorrow. and Corona.

So he was, I just played bass in a death metal band and he played drums in it. He played drums for a band called Comitron. Hatchfaceface would eventually turn into Gutslaw, which is known in the underground death grind genre. I was in Hatchapace bass twice, so it was, he was a fucking, he was like, he was a fucking sick,

like crusty grind drummer. Just exactly what you expect. It sounds sick. And he was It's a sad man It's being kissed jamming and Now I'm going to a memorial tomorrow So there's today and tomorrow

We had this episode It's dedicated to you, Keith Pierce And also obviously I'm dedicated to our brother Mitch He was a legend man He was a fucking legend But anyway

I'm done. Thank you for listening and watching. Appreciate it.