Giggly Squad - Giggling about cheating, lying, and pegging

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

GET TIX TO NASHVILLE AND TEXAS SHOWS HERE! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm in the day just got away from me. I feel like I said every G-Way. Yeah, every G-Way. You guys have said every G-W Yeah, every two words. You guys have said every two words, I'm not. I can't do it today. What if you just had an intro that you said, hey, gigglers? Stop. I know.

Ew. How embarrassing. Chuggy. So giggly. Hi, gigglers. We are back in the studio, quick housekeeping. Not that we actually do housekeeping, but this is just figuratively.

Yeah. We're going to Nashville this month. I know. Texas this month, there's a couple tickets left. Nashville, Austin, Houston, Dallas. Yes, and we are so excited. We're going to get our Calgary boots on. I can't believe you texted me, admin first.

And like a month and a bit. Like, we already have everything booked. I'm trying to prove to guys that I can be a mother. Flights are booked, hotels are booked. You even booked your flight for next month for when we go to Denver. Well, do you know what happened? I had a full freak out because I realized

with Giggly Squad Tour, I also have a stand up tour going on with it where like sometimes from Giggly Tour, I go to a stand up tour. And I got booked and had to pay like $900 for a flight to Cleveland the other week because I like forgot about it. I now realize like the cheap side of me is like get ahead of the game. No you have.

And now I kind of like buying plane tickets because I feel like I'm like getting a deal even though I'm not. No I know. They trick you with the AMAC so like wait you fly Delta together. Credit card and you're like okay well now I have to. Speaking of flying. Did I tell Guguys how I missed my flight? Taking that again? No. Oh my god.

We love a misconnection story. But this was for the first time ever, not my fault. There was a problem with the plane. Wait, in New York you're flying to Connecticut. I think I was in Ohio. Okay. I was flying to New York and then flying to Connecticut because I had a show at 7pm and I was coming from Cleveland

so like I figured I'd be low-boozy and fly from New York to Connecticut. So I get there and I realize there's like 15 minutes before I have to get on the next flight. And sometimes the app doesn't update when it's like it's, you know, it had the wrong gate at LaGuardia and I only had the wrong gate.

Don't even get me started on the new LaGuardia. The new LaGuardia. Because it's still being made. They don't have those zippy things. It's also the biggest mall in America now. So I go all the way to 81, right? Yeah. And I'm chillin' and there's no one there

and I was like, is she early? And then, I literally was like, just fucking around. I think I was texting. And then I was like, there's something wrong. And then I look at like the screen, which is like old school. I don't check the screen. Yeah.

Wait, when you got to the gate, didn't it, like that board didn't say? I didn't look at the board, it just looked at my app, because I'm a dumb millennial. So then I realized, it's at gate 65, and I said no problem. I still have 10 minutes.

I look and it says it takes 10 to 15 minutes to get there. This bitch flew. I was like knees up. I was running a giggler saw me. They were like, Hannah and I was like, ah, and they were like, are you okay? And I'm sweating. I'm crying.

No, I was at a point where I could cry, but I was like, yeah, the cry if you need to. Yeah. You're going on pure adrenaline. Pure adrenaline, because it's like three o'clock and the show's at seven. And I know the flight's like 25 minutes. Yeah. So I get there, and it's one of those things

that the plane is there, but they ain't shut the door. Oh! So like, your heart drops, and they can't open the door, because it's like a system. Okay. But why? No, I've had this fight before with them. Once they shut the door, it triggers every alert to everything, to for things to happen.

OK. So 10 minutes before they is one of the door shots. And I was like, didn't you know I was in the airport? Didn't you know I had a connecting flight that was late? Right. And they go, if it's 10 people, if it's less than 10 people, we don't care. So I would have thought like,

okay, so then I'm like, I'm, I'm like at the person. You're starting to cry. I split, I had two sides of me. I was like, I'm gonna cry, but I was kind too tired to cry. Yeah. And I also couldn't breathe like it was kind of embarrassing. Like I'm so out of shape. But I kind of got, I got a little attitude and I was like,

oh, so only if you guys want to, you'll wait for people. Oh my God. And I never do that. Okay, let me add them. I go solo if you guys care. Have you been like, you're about to do the light for once? And the woman was like, I'm speaking. Then, so she like gave me a lot of it.

Oh, then? Okay, yeah, then that makes you nervous. Yeah, then I was like, okay, I'm not like trying to go back and forth over there. They're like, we'll get you on another flight. The next one's 9 p.m. I was like, I have a stand up show with there's a bunch of girlies waiting to see me. And then I realized the Uber is like three hours, but I'm not trying to pay for a four-and-jouler

Uber. So then I realized I have to get on her good side. And it was their fault that the plane didn't come in in time, but if there's a flight that day, they don't have to Uber you okay. I didn't even know they would So I was looking at her. She's looking at me and she was not having me. She was not having it Like she was wondering that she had a day. I could tell she had a day and she was she did not have an I was like I was like Sweating I have high cholesterol And I was like, I was like, I'm sweating. I have high cholesterol.

And it's like, I'm really sh- I also just did four gigs in a while, and I love Ohio. But she goes to her manager, and she was like, should we give her a voucher? voucher. And it's literally just humans deciding my fate at this point. Yeah, I'm saying that. I'm saying that.

And I'm just like, I don't know. I'm like, what kind of shit have I done in past life? Like, where is this is when karma comes in? No, the airport is the hunger games. It's a lawless area. Well, and then there's a line forming behind me and they're fucking matter than me. Yep. They go, yeah, give her a voucher.

For how much? I don't even know, but like someone called a voucher for a plane ticket. No, a voucher for like a random card to show it up and drove me three and a half hours to Connecticut. So Delta is a sex traffic partner. Yeah. It was, I think we're like good on here. Like what kind of show are? It was a, they go call this number and they'll come.

And I was like, are you guys sure about this? Cause now I'm like, you're like, I don't do cocaine. I don't need this random number. You're just gonna show up. Cannot page, she's way prettier. I've been waiting to begin that. Please, I'm actually fucking pissed that no one's tried. My mom's gonna get so mad that I said that.

I put it in that mess here. But like there is part of me that's like, I'm not even one. I'm further taking it. No one even did a double take on you. I'm so small. I said I've been so bad being kidnapped. Because I'll be like, is there going to be snacks?

Are there other other other cannappies that will be there? Like, because I'm at a small talk. No, you are that like viral video of the guy being like, what kind of music do you listen to? Is there why I'm so wife? Sorry, the wife I put it didn't work. Can you give me it again? Are you gonna un-gov me now? Or like when we get to the house? Where are we actually going? Do you like sleeping until the silence? Do you have like a no- un-gave me now or like when we get to the house where are we actually going do you like sleeping

Total silence and you have like a sound machine like rangatang noises I like Okay, so you get in this random car with this brand of man and He basically this is the big thing that I'm dealing with her now. I'm very bad at lying. Yeah, I think I'm good at lying If it's like to help someone, but not in generic line. You can't just draw out a lie. No. Oh my God. No, because I know you, I can love it. I'm lying right now. So I get in the car. This whole thing is alive. This whole gigasquad has been a bit since it started. I don't actually even really know what is reality in what it's been. I'm as a construct. We're on a simulation.

So we get there, it's fine. She wasn't a talker. This one, thank God. Yeah. But this week I was going to FSU. Because I'm doing some comedy gigs at colleges. If you guys are in a college. How fun.

Hit up your student council and tell them to have me. It's so fun. The grilies are hilarious. Imagine someone knocking on the office of the registrar asking when Hannah Berner is is performing like that just whole Situation is making me laugh. Well you went to your college which we will talk about talk about I Talk about me lying I lied my ass off

They're asking me questions. I was like, I don't know today I'm graduating I'm literally checked for my name the morning of graduation to make sure it was in the fucking program Okay, so that's where I was at Shout out to what is it called college of Saint Rose and all of them rose and all of them and I'm saying oh, what was the mascot a Golden night. Okay, Zadi yeah Rich fighters that he protect me So I am getting this uber FSU So I want to do something like don't tell me your comedian cuz this guy was a chatter

Yeah, and I did not want to get into I was so tired. I just came from it And it's not it's not a common profession like they get all jacked up people They ask you to tell them a joke. Yeah, they like bring up your podcast like it's a whole thing to like I don't like getting into I'm whatever and it's always the same questions. And then they're always like, you can use this as a bit, which I am right now. He goes, he was like, so what are you doing if it's you? And I was like, oh, I'm visiting a friend. And he goes, oh, see you're in college.

And I'm like, no. And he's like, see you're just visiting a college kid. So then it's like, he's like creepy as shit. He's immediately calling 911. I'm like, yeah, I just visiting a college kid? So then it's like, he creeps me a shit. He's a merely calling nine of us. He's like, I'm like, yeah, I'm just helping them with something. And I was like, what? What? Well, I didn't have to say.

And he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I do marketing. And he's like, what are you helping them with? And I'm like, just moving stuff around. Hannah, what would you be moving around? I don't know. Like, helping them move. I don't know.

How do you lie in that situation. Like I thought you just say something and they believe you but it kept asking follow-ups and then he's like see you've been out of college but you're busy visiting a friend who's still in college and like give... I can't get there my brother's friend. No! And then he kind of felt like I was looking up with a guy in college. Oh my god. So I got real weird. And then and then he started talking about like He was bragging about his daughter and like what she did in her career and how she's in like a creative career

And then I so badly wanted to go back and be like no, I love the Creative media But I like cut it and then I was a man Then I'm like I don't want to lie anymore. Yeah, cuz now you have this story where you were he gave me one star I've had a vile now you have the story where you were. He gave me one star. I'm out of vile. Did he really ask? See, it's so funny in the Uber situations that you feel like it's easiest to tell the truth. I'm lying all day. I lie all day. What do you say? What's your

go to? Okay, let's let's reenact page the store. Uber for page. First of all, they always say my name wrong, which I'm like, how the fuck I am in Uber world? I am Paggy. And that is me. And that is what I go by. And it's the old, if people say page, get into an Uber, I don't know her. I'm like, this, sorry, it's Paggy. Wait, so Paggy? Is your alter Uber ego? Paggy's wild. Paggy lies her up. So where are you going today, Paggytsdale, Arizona, from the airport to the hotel and buy myself. This guy starts talking to me and I was feeling good, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like,

I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like,

I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, was like, oh, I'll just like go with you and like, whatever.

So then we end up doing it together. And I was like, oh, actually, my girlfriends have a podcast. They're doing a live show. I'm going to be on it. And he was like, oh my God, that's so crazy. Like the podcast world is so interesting. So then I say, yeah, I actually have a podcast with my friend and it's called Giggly Squad.

And he says to me, oh, I think my daughter is starting one, two. Can you listen on only fans? And so I literally had nothing to say. But I didn't know how to not out his daughter. She's talking with her lips, but not the lips you think they saw you. I didn't know how to not out his daughter. She's talking with her lips, but not the lips you think they saw. I didn't know how to not to simultaneously not out his daughter for having in-only fans, but also telling him I don't have in-only fans.

So it was very, and I was like the one time I fucking tell the truth now I'm in this pickle. Like that's why I lie in Ubers. I was getting my nails done recently in Salt Lake City and I said I was a comedian and there were like five women there who worked there who just weren't busy and okay my nails done And they're like oh my god your comedian and they go tell us a joke and I'm like this is not a fucking open mic like I'm just like knock-knock-knock. I'm like I want if a man. Okay, if a guy to bars is tell me a joke I say your face or I say your life your entire life and then you like it out of it. Yeah, I'm like, if a man, okay, if a guy at a bar says, tell me a joke, I say your face or I say your life,

your entire life, and then you look it out of it. Yeah. I'm not gonna say that to these women, these hardworking women who are supporting me. I will take green, thank you so much. I actually do want the green. I just remembered. They're like, hey, nubby finger girl, give us a joke.

And they're like, what are you joke about? And that's also like hard to explain. Like, I'm not like, oh yeah, I finger girl, give us a joke. And they're like, what are you joke about? And that's also like hard to explain. Like I'm not like, oh yeah, I'm really into politics. So king. So king. I was at Charleston this weekend. Craig and I are pillow line launch in store on Saturday, but Tuesday is when it comes online.

OK. So we were doing like, he was having like a little pillow party whatever we were meeting people. And these two girls are in line. They come up to me and the one girl goes, and Craig is like, so obviously he doesn't, he knows Gaglis Squad, but he's not in on the joke. So like, girls will say things to me

and he'll just be like so nervous. Like, he literally freezes. So these two girls come up to me and there. I love that the gaglis intimidate. And the gaglis will say anything at any point. They don't care who's around. These two girls and they're... I love the gigglers. Intimidates right? And the gigglers will say anything at any point. They don't care who's around. No. These two girls, they're sisters and they're like, the one girl

lived in Charleston, the other one was visiting and I said, oh, where are you visiting from? She said, Utah. And the girl goes, we're both Mormon, isn't that funny? And I go, naturally, I go, we love circus. We love circus. I think it's an incredible look at me because he was the one who originally like brought up so game to me and we were like talking about it.

And it was a coincidence that I brought it up. And then we talked about it on the pod. And so like we're all laughing and he looks at me like I just like offended their entire community like what the fuck are you saying? And I was like no no it's fine. No like the Mormons I have like we're big in the Mormon. No're big in the Mormon we're the only ones that are allowed to make fun of Mormons because they know we understand their culture and also what is palcho yeah it's funny because does had a comedy show in Boston and I love when the giglers go to see does yeah because I

want like I like when they watch him like when they support him. I like when they like buy love does because they have like a big Irish community does basically said that like Ireland plus New York equals someone for Boston. If I genuinely feel like if we didn't live in New York We would probably live in Boston crowds are so good. These girls come in late to show and he was walking in late too Because like the feature was on and he was like fucking with them like he's like where he goes late and they go cyber really bad at admin also like how's your second family and just literally it's a mall show so that they messaged me and they go hey it's like you know we told dad about it admin and we talked about it like a family and I'm like good thank you send me photos so they keep an eye on him and then he calls me and he

laughs about it yeah the giglers literally troll Craig's Instagram and I fucking love it. I laugh so hard God, but that's how giggler's so I started do you remember the lives were With Perry how the gigglers put pairs all over his page and then when I met does we called him caddy daddy. Oh My god, I forgot about that. Speaking of Caddy Daddy. So we have to talk about nails. I broke one of my nails. Oh my God, they're so long.

Thank you, they're real. As we know, I am now the queen of nails. You are because mine are all broken. Yes, go on. Give me the throne. Honestly, put your hands away, your little skinny fingers. But I broke one finger and I had that immediate like do I kill the whole family? Yeah, and then I realized Girls cut that finger and use it to put it up your man's butthole You know what's funny is because it's accurate

No, cuz like I'm not using a long like I don't want his stuff in my nails when I'm having a burrito the next day. It's funny because I feel like every single girl has super long nails, so it's funny to look at who their partner is. Because lesbians always have short nails. Well, they gotta get in there. Yeah, they're smart with it. But if you have, it's like a guitarist You know how guitarists have like one long nail. Yeah, we should keep one short nail

But then like I'm gonna be honest. This is not colored daddy. I'm not out here just shoving fingers up guys but holes right How do you do it like if you have a big man and he's on top of you like and you're having sex? Are you supposed to like wrap around because my hands not that long my fingers are nubby? I can't get in the hole. I'm gonna be honest. I've only ever been asked. I feel like I give intimidation vibes in the bedroom like Because I don't get asked to do things that like the other girls are getting asked to do and it's kind of like me and getting abducted I'm like why not me though? I've never been asked either. I've only been asked with one man and The one who didn't want to see your face ever. No, different. This was like a full boyfriend. She cheated on me all the time. So I should have known. So I've only been asked to do it one time and so I've only ever done it one time. So I'm not,

I'm not in there. How did you do it? Oh my god I was in college so this like so long ago but I think I did it like I think I did it like just your finger so long. He's like that. He's like that's my throat. It's in my throat. I don't really remember what my angle was but I do remember being like and it's not for me. So the first time you do it, you feel like a teenage boy fingery, a girl for the first time, and they're like, oh! Yeah, because I'm just like, just finger blast. Is he jerking off himself while you're just like putting your fingers in? I never even got fully in there.

I like, you can lie about it. I feel like, because they don't know, unless they do know. I do have to say these guys with blonde hair though, you think all guys have gross buttholes, some of them don't. Some of them are like gorgeous. You know what's annoying is the stereoty, or like the typical like women need to be totally hairless.

And like even like when you do like go to have sex, like they're sometimes like, oh shoot, I haven't shaved do like go to have sex like there are sometimes where I'm like a shoot I haven't shaved like I feel gross or like is he gonna think it's gross? Men are disgusting but the thing that annoys me about it doesn't annoy me that they're disgusting I'm fine with it I can deal with it I'm an adult is that they have no like second thought to be like oh maybe I shouldn't be a will to beast in my entire lower region. Like they never get shamed into shaving their asses. But you also dated some pretty hair.

You love hairy guys. I do love a hairy man. You love a hairy man, but the thing is, I don't want to like make this about does, but like these Irish guys, nothing. His hands have no hair. I can starch and I don't even, I think he literally has a toupee on because I'm like, where is any of your fucking hair Because my knuckles have hair on them because we're used to strong Italian even Jewish

Met like I I love a Jewish man. I do and I love them short and I love them fat And in their ears. I love it. I love it I also think because of Sex in the City, I always thought I was gonna marry someone Jewish because they always say that they make great husbands. Oh, here I am. That was your act from the Netherlands.

That was your college. That was your actual college, Sex in the City. Sex in the City is my religion. I do have to say, I did that thing though when I was single where I wouldn't shave when I didn't wanna hook up with a guy. It's a classic mind. But it never worked.

So I would just end up always hooking up with guys when I had the longest leg hairs ever. See, that's when I would end up being in their bathroom shaving. I've had a point once where I brought a guy back to my place. It's like during the day. And I did not expect it. And we're sitting there and I was like, it's in my apartment.

I'm like, just go and shower and shave. But I remember this feminist, you go in and shower and shave. But I remember it this like feminist Like you love getting in these moods thing over me and I was like, I'm gonna do something powerful I'm not gonna shave my legs and I'm gonna fuck em. Yeah, it's in the last No, it's just also guys make us feel so bad about it But now like it's ingrained in my brain and now I don't like the feeling of it I've never liked the feeling even when I was younger before I even was like, had sex. I never liked the feeling of like my

leg hair on my pants. But also guys who are attracted to me, they like the like, you never know. Right, like we would never, we would never attract the same man. Like, I mean, there are similarities though when a guy really loves you. Yes. Like, today I call does, because I'm getting my hair dyed after this. Okay, is this like another trickery or like you're really like, what are you doing? We don't know. Okay.

Which is even more worrisome, because that's when I make mistakes. But do you know in terms of darker or lighter? I definitely want to go lighter. Okay. But part of me wants to go like red, and then part of me might just go like a blonde or light Okay, or like a copper to make it like an Auburn. Yeah, so I Doesn't I were watching a TV show last night and this girl had like dyed red hair And I was like do you like her hair and he's like yeah looks good. Where do you get your hair dyed? Where do you go? I GK?

Okay, um shout out to Stephanie. She does The comedian Kate McKinnon's hair nice. Okay, no out to Stephanie. She does the comedian Kate McKinnon's hair. Nice. Okay. No, it's blonde And we go to the same girl to cut her hair. Yeah, Melissa I'm gonna say on Instagram is Melissa will cut you okay now We're never gonna be able to get a second appointment again. Thank you Can't keep something bitch lie about something She's actually moving she does not skinny not fat like she's not working anymore. She's but she yeah She's retired and forced. Oh, she just retired. That's crazy. That's so weird

I Called does today and I was like how do you feel about me dying my hair? He's like just don't do anything crazy And what would be crazy is platinum? Okay, but like also men don't they can't even tell like it really looks same I was gonna say like if you came home with like purple hair, then yeah, that's kind of crazy Yeah, so he was like not even being crazy. I'm like I'm not I'm like I might do a little reddish and he goes that's what you asked about the girl last night I was like wow you're Dirted F.B.I. and then he's like no don't do that and I'm like so what hair do you like and he's like the hair you were born with My mom always says that shit and then I imagine my like little tough of hair like when I'm born I'm like me and I look like a bald old man when you met him though

What was your hair? Let's me honest my hair has always been pretty similar. I think it was a little lighter though I like going lighter for summer, but I want to ask you I don't want to be try hard like I don't want people to be like Oh, she tried to be red. I wanted to look like still a natural color, but like a little later. Well, it says, why don't you not go full red and just like throw in these random red. Or like that way. Or like what do you do, maybe go fully red.

It's not that much of a shock. People also said the sun affects things, so like blonde looks better, as the sun gets on it where red might not be. It's a whole thing, I'm very nervous. I'm nervous too, but like, how often are you as the sun gets on it where red might not be. It's a whole thing. I'm very nervous. I'm nervous too, but like how often are you in the sun? You're like out there in the sun all the time. Oh my god, did I tell you? I have a vitamin D deficiency.

I got my blood work back. And they were like, we've never seen... Wait, how often are you getting blood work done? Because I almost feel like I probably have a ton of shit wrong too. I've never gotten it done. I just got it done for the first first time because they just wanted to check up and I've never done it So I have high cholesterol and low vitamin D's to do like your fat bitch who just sits around all day on the couch And I go I didn't need blood work to tell me that And then does was like I told you need to go in more walks and I was like I don't I'm not a fucking dog

I don't go for a walk just I know So then I've just butt vitamin D pills online. Ah! So smart. So freaking smart. I'm not fucking walking. Sometimes I'll go out on my balcony because I'm like, I need air. Or like, I should see the sun.

And I'm out there for two seconds and I'm such, I feel like such a New Yorker because I'm like, oh, so I'm gonna mix signals. I'm gonna mix signals. I'm gonna mix signals. Like people are like, what, number one gonna mix signals. I'm gonna mix signals. Like people are like, what number one rule for your skin? Stay out of the sun. And then the doctors are like, you need sun.

And I'm like, we need to call Guanaath is what we need. Just this for Guanaath. Was that amazing? The trial was shouldn't have happened in the first place, but it wasn't long enough. Exactly. For me, like I could have watched that. Because Johnny Depp's trial was like disturbing to another level.

Johnny Depp's was yeah, totally. It was fun enough that like there wasn't a lot in the line. It felt like Gwyneth was on real housewives of their way hills and this was just part of her storyline. Like and we cut two court scenes. Yes. Like that's how it felt. Yes.

Because the lawyer complimenting her with Gwyneth also simultaneously being, I want that energy. She was being so nice, but she was the biggest bitch in that fucking room, and I loved it. Gwyneth? When Gwyneth went and said to the guy, I wish you well. That was so iconic. I got chills.

I was like, Gwyneth, going to be able to say that? That's the new, what do you say in the South? Bless your heart. That's the new, bless your heart. I wish you well. I wish you well. I can't wait for it. I'm going to say it at some point.

It's going to be iconic. I love our... Speaking of guys, and their buttholes, I have one more thought. It reminded me of a story. This guy took me on a date back in my single days To basketball game Cheek professional. He was he was like a he played in college I think so it was like it was at MSG, but it was like a college game

But we were like in the front. He like new people. They were like dabbing him up and stuff like it was hot Like he was definitely trying to talk about When guys like if they're bad at dabbing that's an it yeah you can tell when you're not ready for the damn and that's a real turn on to me when guys see their other friend and they naturally go together and sometimes it's a like they pull in for a hug but also sometimes there's like what's up bro like there's something about

that interaction that gets me going that's my porn watching guys' dad reach you. That turns me on. This guy takes on a state and he's clearly trying hard. And it went well. He was tall and handsome. I think we went on one more day and he just didn't even try to make a move.

He just said put your finger up my arm. No, we literally did not try to make a move to the point that he asked me on another day and I was like, this is, I don't feel like anything there. Yeah, because like, are you ever, like, what's going on? What's going on? Like, I'm an adult. Yeah.

I get a message months later from a girl on Instagram being like, hey, how do you know this man? Because I'm following him on Instagram. Tell you love when the girlies get together. I love. I love the secret society. I think about this guy. I'm ready to spell. Like, I'll tell you everything get together. I love the secret society. I'm ready to spell. I'll tell you everything. No, I'm ready. Because if he is a serial killer, I want to make sure

that I at least helped prevent someone from getting sliced open. So I was like, honestly, he was kind of, he was cool, but like, he's, he didn't even like try to kiss me, like, he was super shy, and like, he didn't really have that much like swag. She goes he just messaged me on Tinder asking if I would peg him. My immediate reaction is why not me. Why not me? Do you, I'm sorry if a girl can peg? Do you think that I can't get up there?

I was a division one athlete put my cute little strap on on him and get the fucking job done? No, like why not? Why would you feel if another girl was like he wants me to peg him? Would you feel insulted? My narcissistic brain would go to oh he just like respected me too much But but what I would really be annoyed at is like oh he couldn't really be himself with me I was the same way at first. I'm like I get, I'm so wife material, obviously, like, I know basketball. Yeah.

Or like, that he thought that you were gonna. So true. Yeah. Or be like, no, I'm not doing that. You'd be so, it would be, you'd be mid peg. Like you would, you would be like, let's get this job done. He asked me to do it. Like, I'm gonna deliver it.

You'd be mid peg where you're like, I didn't think this fully through. And I feel like, I feel like I will use this in my stand-up comedy, so I'll finish the job. But I need to just get dattle. But it's funny how guys sometimes live these double lives, where they go on these formal dates, but then you're on Tinder just seeing

which girl's down to peg you. And you don't think we're gonna talk? It's so funny that you bring this up because literally yesterday I was talking about this with Craig and I was like, because he was like, oh, I'm going on a golf tournament, like whatever weekend. And I was like, it's so funny that like all these guys

are going, like, just go on golf tournaments. Like we don't have an equivalent to that. And people will be like, oh, a spa weekend. But it's like, we're not going to a spa weekend, us too. And then like some random girl, you know, who's gonna bring her random friends. We're all gonna meet up and like, we're gonna go there. Like, it's not like that.

And he said to me, he goes, well, golf tournament is just like a really nice way to say to your wife, I'm going on a boys trip. He goes, what sounds better? Hey, I'm going on a boys trip. Half of us are probably gonna go to strip clubs. The other half of us are gonna go to like a casino or if I say, hey, I'm going on a golf trip. He goes, what sounds better? Hey, I'm going on a boys trip. Half of us are probably going to go to strip clubs. The other half of us are going to go to like a casino, or if I say, hey, I'm going on a golf trip. That's the most southern should I've ever heard. And it was like my whole world stopped, because I was like, wait a second. And I was like,

thank God I'm me. And I don't give a shit what you do. Go on a boys trip. I'm exhausted. You know, it's like that is. I have a bachelor party. Yeah, and they're just like they're just trying they're gaslighting the fuck out of all their wives and being like, It's a it's a it's a pretty cool sure They're gonna be you know I Children they make you feel bad that's wild. I love it. honesty. I loved the honesty. I love the honesty. It was also giving a little try hard.

I was like, why are you telling me all of this? No, he's like, she'll be titties like in my face. But I call it golf. Have you ever seen the beer golf cart girls? Oh yeah. I've gotten on some TikToks where the girls will say what the older golfers will say to them and certain uncomfortable situations they've been in.

So it's not like there are no women anywhere. Not only fans except you have to see the guys commenting you. And you have to respond to it. Right. And you have to get them drunk. And it is kind of bottle service for the golfers. But I have this bachelorette joke that I've been doing for a while about bacheloretts.

And bacheloretts know saying, a bachelorette trip, if one girl is five minutes late to brunch, we're like, we can't trust her. Yeah. We can't trust Jessica anymore. We're men, they'll invite like any random dude. I'll be like, didn't he fuck your sister? Yeah, they don't care about any of that.

And they're like, no, didn't mean it. Joe is fucking cool, bro. Like, dudes get over stuff. In an instant. In a point where I'm like, I don't trust, I can't mean it. Joe is fucking cool, bro. Yeah. Like, dude, get over stuff. In an instant. In a point where I'm like, I don't trust, I can't trust you. I do envy a little bit of like how easily they let certain things go. Yeah. But I shouldn't because it's, they just have less brain cells.

Like, they actually can't compute. Like, I'll watch tennis and how like, men will fight on the court and then shake hands and have a beer after where girls will get a fight and then it's like we hate her forever. No, I could hate a girl forever for saying something nice to me, but I knew her tone. I knew her fucking clothes. And they'll be like, but she said something nice. I'm like, but did she? Because, like, she said that I always have a bob.

And I know how she fucking meant it. I made that up. I mean, no way that bitch. Right, so girls are just so, we're just so different because we're so much deeper. But I think because we're more emotionally intelligent, we have to deal with all our emotions all the time so we don't have the space to deal with Jessica.

She's gonna be late all the time. Okay, here's a perfect example of, like, we just miscommunicate. Someone walked into Craig's store, and it was like this, I couldn't really hear what he was saying, but I knew that he was like, fucking with Craig. Like, he was trying to like, make him look stupid

or something, but I couldn't hear what the guy was saying. But you knew the energy. But I knew the energy. So I turned to Craig, and Craig's like being so nice, like talking about to the guy. He's like, wait, what'd you say? What was my line of sleep? Sweet man. You stupid idiot.

And I hit Craig and I go, Hey, this guy's fucking with you. And he looks at me and he's like, Oh, I don't know if he is whatever. The guy ends up leaving. We get back to like the house. And I was like, Yo, what was with that guy fucking with you? And he goes, he was absolutely like saying rude stuff, right? And he goes, I thought you meant like he's fucking with you. He's being funny. So he was like, did we just have like a language barrier?

Because I feel like when I say, like, it was some North South. It was some North South shit. Cause he was like, I thought you weren't reading the situation, right? Yeah. like I thought you weren't reading the situation right yeah And I thought he wasn't reading the situation right either way we both hated this guy So I was gonna have weird like I stuff like we run the plane and I like move my legs and the guy in front of me like Did it like turn like half a turn and I didn't care But then I like did it again also We we got stuck on a flight that got canceled and we were like in the back back

Like there's no like room and I have little legs, but I still it's tight. Yeah, and I'm you know I'm you know you're switching which legs over whatever. I'm not kicking his chair. I'm not a little baby Right, but like maybe I touched it and it was a four-hour flight from fall like city And I like guess I did again. He like turned around again And then he did it like an hour later. He did it again And he goes to the sky fucking turns around and we're like, yeah, it's okay. So we're like having this like,

we're not really saying anything, but he's like, he like kind of looks at the guy and I'm looking at him and I'm like, this is a tiny flight and we have three more hours. And does this just like very protective? Like he's never gotten into it, but he like lets me know like if I have to, but we just had this, I looked at him like,

don't you fucking dare and he looked at me like, well if this guy does it, I'm gonna say something and I was like, well I'm not gonna do it So the whole time I'm like don't touch his Okay, wait, isn't it kind of low-key a turn on when something happens and you're like I can't tell my boyfriend whole fucking lose his mind No, like there was a moment does never like cuz he's 47. He's old like in his 20s and 30s He was probably so fair, but like he's like we'll speak up for anyone like stand up for anyone who's like getting bullied or like

He'll be that guy. He's not scared of anyone. Yeah, I hate one men fight. It's my biggest turn off But I want to know that you can if needed but you won't need to yes One time I was taking a picture. This is this is like months ago I was taking a picture with someone and I felt like the guy was like trying to grab my ass. Like he was like on my back and then like went down. I was just like, okay, this picture is gonna be over in three seconds. Like whatever and then I'll never see this guy again. But my initial instinct was like, oh, I'm gonna tell my boyfriend. But then I was like, no, whole fucking embarrass me, loses mind. The guys would be like, I didn't even know.

Like there's a thin line between embarrassing you. But me in my head knowing like if I tell my boyfriend, I tell my crazy boyfriend. If he's like three gin and tonics, you're fucking done. No. You did way, we love fun. So anyway, speaking of my Batcharet, but. Yeah.

No. We're not happy. We're not happy just because. It's almost a one year anniversary of Salami Squad. One year ago, I started doing this bit about how Bachelords are cults. And I've been doing it in clubs in New York City for like over a year. Yeah. And yesterday, all the gay groups started sending me a clip of like SNL

did this like bit about how Bachelords are cults. I don't think we realized just how far widespread Salami Squad went. And how many people did want to go. Well, Stasi literally was like I know was like everybody. She was like I would never do a batch of like that But it made me want to and I go stasi. I would never they forced me like page was like we're not going to a petting zoo upstate We would have had an equal amount of hilarious time, but it's funnier that we were in Miami doing the Miami things. I joke like it wasn't for me, it was for all of us. Like it was everyone's butt giraffe.

No, I really did feel like I was getting married that next time. I was like this my last time. Also, April Fool's was kind of crazy. I didn't deal with any of it. Like I didn't see anything that I was like, oh my god. I got tricked by everyone. Did you?

Where people like personally coming to trick you? No, it's just Instagram. Because I like, again, I don't like lying. So I'm like, why would they murder about that? Like Chris Olson has his coffee line, and it was like, pink coffee, and I was like, it was fun and cool, and I was like, congrats. I did get one, I did get messed up by one thing. They said the Devil Wears Proto was having a movie number two,

and I was like, I can't wait to tell my mom. It's so annoying, because it's like, why lie about that? Right, like that's just stupid one. Then, I feel like Spritz always does a funny one. They did like a pit, they last year, the other year, they did like a pickle Spritz, which I was like, I'm into that. Yeah. But then actually very into that.

These people got me so good to the point that I screen shot at it and was going to talk about it on giggly. What was it? They're too bad, a badger couple, Hannah G and Dylan. Yes. Post that they got neck tattoos. And they're like, these little, so I didn't see that. But I kept scrolling.

I was like, how cute. And kept scrolling. See, I saw it. And I was like, no. No, you guys did not. And then the next day they were like, what were you gonna say that you were like, I kinda want one?

No, I was gonna say, would you ever gonna neck tattoo with your mans? I would never get a tattoo in general of like a significant other at all. I don't think. Okay, be Davidson. I also don't think I get a gunny tattoo off like any types of tattoos.

I was on the phone Sierra the other day and I literally had to stop myself. I sounded like a mom immediately. She wanted to get tattooed when you were trying to tell her not to. No, she was in her bathroom like getting undressed or something and I said, what is that? She got a new tattoo. She got two new tattoos. I said, were you gonna tell me? Well, she goes, well, oh, sorry, like I didn't know. What are you going to go right now? Are you okay?

I was like, excuse me. You think you can just go out and get tattoos. I don't even tell you how many. I was like, excuse me. You think you can just go out and get tattoos. I was like, okay, mom, calm down. I was like, sorry. Did she have other tattoos? Yeah, she does have a lot of tattoos. Yeah, she's like little ones. I, the only tattoo that I thought was cool was my friend Becca. Got it without me. Yeah. I got one night. That's when she always would do shit. And where does Becca have a tattoo on her body? I need to know. What do you think? Trump's damp because I would love that close close She took red lipstick kiss the napkin and then they made that a tattoo on her ass So she pulled but the thing is cuz she sits on her ass all the time

It's like kind of got faded, but she has her a car on kiss on her ass so a time it's like kind of faded, but she has her own case on her ass. It's amazing. That is amazing. It's amazing. But like Becca was the fun one that would do all that crazy shit. And I would enable her.

Like Becca would have shaved their head. There's just no place on my body that I am like, that's where I would get a tattoo. And I feel like that's the first step. What's the like a one tattoo that when you were younger, you're like, this is gonna make you cool. All this is gonna be cool if I got it. I don't know.

See, I didn't really go through a tattoo phase. I went through a, if I don't get my tongue pierced at some point in my life phase. And my mom was like, no, page. I wanted it. What was that for? I don't know. I just wanted to be in pictures and go,

you're literally the girls in spring breakers. I had just watched the movie 13. Do you remember that movie came out? I even watched it again. That was like changed the whole world. I just, I had watched it. And I was like, I was in high school. And I was like, I think it's so cool.

There were girls in high school who had it. And they'd be like, yeah, they do stuff when they're like, giving head. Like, what are they doing? Yeah, I didn't realize that is like, it's a very sexual induendo Induendo is that a word that is a word I just in you endo What did I say in duendo? It sounds like a fancy spa in New Mexico

Induendo a man like hotels. This is now in duendo I'm on like hotels. This is now Induendo. Wow, that is literally our spa line. It's called Induendo. Induendo. What is the real word? Induendo. Induendo. I can't say. I'm just realizing things. Okay, what was I saying?

You wanted to get a piece of... I said sexual. Yeah, I didn't know that. Maybe if you got like a silver gold, it's like cold on his dick or something, you know, people would like put ice in their mouth and be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, throwback.

Yeah, mine. Also like, I would never, in theory, sounds hot. That would not be hot when I'm doing it. I'd be like, hold, hold, hold, hold. Oh, the ice thing. Yeah. I thought when I was in high school, the only tattoo I would get. This is so

dumb. No, they think about it. I wanted under the boob. Yeah. Brooklyn in script. No, I can't. Like, you know, Rihanna had the underbooth thing. I wanted Brooklyn. My, just could swim from one of my bus drivers when I was in middle school had dolphins around her belly button Why did you see your bus drivers belly button? What Now that's the question I thought that she was my question is what the heck happened when she got pregnant What the heck happened to those Any home What the heck happened when she got pregnant? What the heck happened to those dolphins? They don't even do a whale. Yeah, they don't even do a whale.

Any hell. Any hell. Onto some. She went to a front page news. Yeah, I haven't much to say. Ooh, let's go. You brought up before we started recording, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher,

and how they said that they are not giving their, and they have three kids, I want to say. They're not giving any of their children like a trust fund or like any money that they're going to donate all of it to charity. Okay, I have two things. One, are these the same people who said they don't wash their children?

There's a lot of neglect. There's a lot of, there's a lot of I can neglect. I'm gonna tell you one thing. If my parents were worth $200 fucking million, and they said, make it on your own bitch, I'm murdering them, okay? I'm making it look like an accident. I'm Alex Murdaughing, the fuck out of that.

No matter how hard you want your kids to not be nebo babies, they're still gonna be nebo babies. But also that doesn't even make sense, because like what are they not paying for their kids' college or like, they're just holding to their own money until they die and then like it doesn't make sense also I'd be livid also what are you hiding like what did you do that was so bad that you have to give 275 million dollars to charity and that's the real question because where the dead bodies hidden which charity Like because if I'm that kid I'm that kid. Hey, I'm a charity. Donate it to this one donate it

It's called page to sorboh, but also like I totally understand don't accept the wanting your kids to earn their own money But you could put two mill aside for no, we're not saying don't be philanthropists. We love it. We love don't I love So we love philanthropy they I love philanthropy. We love philanthropy. They're trying to make a statement with it. Yeah, it's more about them than I feel like then it is about the kids. It's more them being like, and we're not going to give our children anything they're going to work hard. Also, it's so privileged to say that. Like, you don't need generational wealth.

What a privilege. I have generational wealth, I don't even care. I've worked my whole life to marry someone with generational wealth. Like, are you kidding? Life with entity is about family. Either you're gonna say life at the end of the day is about money. No, it is about family. So give your family money. Like, that's the first thing I did when I made some money is like,

bought my mom a nice drink. Of course. Of course. Like, that brings me more joy than me by myself. What's the point of- What's the point of making money unless you can like share it with the people around you? They should give it to their parents then.

Arguably, I would be the coolest billionaire on the planet. I really would. People talk about how being a billionaire is kind of insane. To get to the point where you make that much money means like, you have so many employees who are making so little money to get to that point. Like, the Spanx founder is amazing. Apparently, when she hit a billion,

she gave all her employees a 10k raise, because she could. That's amazing. But like, there's so many billionaires that like Amazon, these people are getting paid literally nothing. No. And Jeff Bezos is like, what, try to figure out how to go to Mars again.

Like, what are you running from Jeff Bezos? It's like, how bored do you have to be to be like, how many are how to go to another planet? Five star big patients if you have, but you're like, I need something more. I need something. Wait, that's it. You've literally visited and traveled everywhere

in the world. You've got to take it outside the earth. Let's be honest. Clearly, money's not buying happiness in this planet. I do have to say I have an issue that like, buying stuff for myself. I much rather get stuff for other people also I think I have trouble feeling joy so like I can't feel my own joy

But like seeing someone else have joy. I'm like oh now. I'm allowed to feel joy that got so fucking dark so deep I have trouble feeling accomplishment Yeah, well you okay don't do that when you said you can't feel joy Okay, don't make me the charity case Yeah, I'm no more time you can't feel accomplishment. Yeah, well you said one thing to me that stuck in my head Which I think was like you said nothing impresses me anymore Okay, and I yes I think impresses me anymore.

Okay. I, yes. No, it's really, I think that was in a context of like, in terms of dating and living in New York City. Yeah. I feel like when I first moved to New York in my early 20s and like, I was dating. Guys could have blessed you. Yeah, I was like, holy shit.

I have Niktos in your apartment. I have Niktos in your apartment. Oh, yeah. You have windows in your apartment. Like you have a dormant, like all this little shit. Like, and I was the girl that like, yeah, you're dumb Miami trip. Would impress the fuck out of me in my friends.

Like we were gunning for that Miami trip. Yeah. Now, like a guy could say anything to me. He could have generational wealth. He could be that billionaire who's like donating at all. And I'd be like, sick. The sound of your voice makes me Crinn this means you're maturing

This no this action is good. It means that you're you're gonna be impressed by someone who is just like right like I never want my Daughter to be like oh my god, and he like drives this kind of car like that will that will pain me I did like I raised you again like I remember when the car would turn the season Turn I have dated a lot of guys with a lot of great fucking cars. You know what's crazy. I always liked I did it one guy who his he had generational wealth like land like lots of land like crazy mental land I'm a landowner landowner, but like Cash poor like he had nothing. Yeah, no liquid.

Cash. Cash. Like he would borrow money from me. But like, there was foundation. Yeah. But otherwise, I've actually never dated a guy who like bought me anything expensive. Like ever.

Like I'm never gonna hand back. I've never got jewelry. I've always. Really? Yeah. Cause I've always dated these guys really. Because we've dated rich guys, their parents were rich.

We dated Mila Kunis and Ashton coach Rich Chaudrin. I don't money. Guys with their parents are rich. I don't want it. I want a guy who made his own money. But the problem is guys who made their own money are cheap. So cheap. Yeah.

And let's think, I did comics who were very like, I'm not about the fame and the money. Yeah, they're for the art, they're close browsing it up. Yeah, they're here for the art. Like, you put out your cigarette while you have this conversation, cheese, cheese, and paper, the fucking Uber, you're like, shut up. And I also have this like thing where I always was like, I never want to be dependent with money, kind of thing.

But I think what happened to us is that we obviously chase money and fame. To be honest, we do. Well, we also chase control. We want to have our own independence and power. My therapist says I need to chill out because I'm so fucking controlling. In every situation, and I feel like that is why I started working so hard because when I dated guys who were rich, and they would control like we're going here we're doing this I would get so annoyed I'd be like but I want it to be me. I do think we're realizing too that as we're chasing fame as we're chasing money you start realizing and this is this sounds corny but like oh it's like the small things that for you joy. No I know.

Oh my god it's so sad. But today something I was thinking about, Desi's in West Hampton this week. And I immediately, I'm like, are you gonna foster a dog from South Hanson Animal Shelter? Yeah. Because he's there all week, my cat's not there. Yep.

And he was like, oh yeah, I might. And I got like happier than I've been in like weeks, just about fostering a dog. I met a friend of yours guys on the plane. Oh my God, who? I was flying from Charleston to New York City and I saw this girl standing in the line and I was like, I gotta find out

where that girl's outfit is from. So I like, you're so cute. Imagine Paige just so real comfortable to you and be like, I love your outfit. I would die. I would literally die. She had the perfect travel outfit on. And I was like, hi, I just have to tell you,

I love your outfit. And I was like, where is that from? I would think you're making fun of me. I'd be like, I would never. You, yes. Anyone else're making fun of me. I'd be like, how do you? How do you do? I would never. You, yes. Anyone else? If you weren't to be in the airport, I'd be like, shut up. Danny DeBito, I love your work.

You're bracelet. It's so pretty. Where'd you get it? So I said this to her and she goes, are you page? And I said, yeah. And she said, I'm friends with Hannah and Des. And then I think she was with her husband. And she was like they I think I

Want to say she said they played golf together, but then I think her name was Caroline I think she said her husband, but now I can't remember and then I lost them on the plane and then like when we got off I mean we are varying the West Hampton community And I do have a show coming up and West Hampton It was gonna be fun in the summer. The girlie should come. But yeah, I learned that it's it's like these little things that remind you of childhood or these little things that are like really simple and you're like oh no. And then you're like every older person that was like it's the small things and you're like shut up. Shut the

fuck up. They were right. And also like people start dying. And then you start thinking like oh no everyone's gonna die. Now I know. And then you're like I need to call my mom. Okay I've gotten to that point with my parents. My mom's actually had to actively start saying like she will try and comfort me but she's too bitchy deep down that she can't. So she's like page stop thinking about when I'm gonna die. You don't have to worry about it for a long time By that time you'll have your own family your own children. You'll be ready for it Then and so like that's the sentence she says to me then she hits me with and whatever you're imagining

It's 10 times worse when your mom does and I was like oh my god Like that did not make me feel better. I told you that I was like crying because I saw um That did not make me feel better. I told you that I was crying because I saw... I cried at a guy's funeral that I'd never met. But I didn't cry. I saw this black tea in my cabinet. I started crying because my grandpa loved black tea and I would bring it for him whenever I'd visited him.

Hannah's also going off her birthday. I was actually very out of care. And Jess was like, what's going on? And I was like, is that my mistake's going on? Oh, yeah, I Stim my grandpa. Yeah, you know what that says suck that he goes. Oh, that must be nice That just your grandpa died where I don't have both my fucking parents, but yeah cry about your grandpa No, he's he's got his savage. Yeah, he's savage You are people don't know this about you though. You are very sentimental and very nostalgic

and very like, I feel like you cry at movies. I've cried, I cried in itania. Like I cried so hard that I had a pretend I was laughing. Like I was like, AHHHHH! Hi! I couldn't tell you the last time I cried during like a movie or a TV show.

It just doesn't happen for me. Does cried during love on the spectrum and I wanted to marry him after it was really cute. That is sweet. I just kept looking at him and he's like, stop. From scratch is the only thing that I've really cried that Netflix movie. My mind cried. I cried hard during that. I do have to say if we're getting dark about death, I've realized I'm, you know, people are like afraid of dying.

Yeah. I'm like not afraid of dying. I'm not afraid of dying either. No, like if that's how I go to tell you go. If I'm in a situation and something's happening, like everyone talks about like the apocalypse, yeah. I'm out of the heat. I couldn't watch.

You think I'm gonna fight to survive? The last of us was this whole like apocalyptic thing and I'm like, take me out. I'm not trying to get captured, tortured. Take me out right now. What am I gonna fight for my life for 20 years? I like these zombies. I can't live in a world where there is no laser hair removal.

So I'm out. And for that, I'm out. Good bye. But I'm, I get upset about thinking about other people's eye. I can't handle other people's eye. I can't handle pet's eye. I literally can't handle it. Everyone at the funeral is fine and I'm the one sobbing.

Craig and I have gotten into a lot of fights because I'll always put him in a hypothetical situation. And what do you do? I was a worm. Yeah, so one of them was like, you're swimming and a shark comes up to you. Which you're first move. He goes, you punch it in the face. I go, oh yeah. You're in the middle of the fucking ocean and a shark is coming at you and you're rounding up. Could you even get through the water? No. He was like, well, what would you do? I said, I'm out. Like I might even drown myself before the shark gets close. He might have not even wanted

me. I'm already float as. This is all, I'm a pick me girl. If this shark decided to choose me, I'm saying thank you. And if he swam to someone else, I am a fan of him. I'm a little jealous. I'm a little bit like, I guess she's a blonde in your audience. But any situation, I put him also in a hypothetical plane situation.

I'm like, what do you do if the plane's going down? He goes, I'm running up. I'm running. This man's getting out of his seat. He's running because he knows more than the pilot. At this point he's running to the front of the plane. He's taking control of the plane. He goes what are you doing? I go I'm putting my head between my legs like they fucking told me to. Like what do you mean what am I doing? No there's many moments in my life where I'm where I've said to myself in my head, if this is how I go, it's how I go.

Like if this is what God wanted, this is how it happens. Who am I to fight with God's plan? Who am I? Who am I to run to the front and tell the pilot, what is cracking it down? It's like a punch of shark. That's crazy, I don't know what that shark's been through.

Who am I? Who that is such like mediocre white man confidence? Do. No, this man has so much of it. I'm like, what's it like your whole life, just like every human being, you are the best. You know? But that's why full circle, I think men

dab each other and never get mad at each other because they're like, we are the- We are the subcuters. We are the subcuters. Yeah. We don't have to fight. Like, we are. Yeah. There's room for all of us exactly

Did we just we're we're running our age or dry or drying up and we're just like This license bitches out of here like we are no we're like I'll never talk to her again She put avocado on my sandwich. She fucking knows I hate avocado. I'll never speak to her again No, it's him that much. What else is happening? Becky G. Do you know Becky G is? Yeah. So she is and they're one with a hot soccer husband. I've never fucked with soccer dudes.

I just never did. Okay, the one soccer dude I fucked with, he was the finger in the ass guy. So you might be doing something right. She done you. It's very European. They're cheating you? It is all the done you it's very European. She done you it is all the time It's very European I think How many times did you cheat on you? Oh my god?

This was like a college boyfriend. Yeah, who would how would you find out? Okay, one time I found out he went away First school so it's not like I was visiting him every weekend and one time I called him I face times him on a Saturday morning Face time it also mind you just come out. Yeah, that's very like, it's a key of you. I want to say I was a junior in college, maybe maybe a senior.

You're like, I did a holograph. A holograph to do the real thing. So I faced time this man were in college and I faced time him, it's a normal Saturday morning. And the way he got, he answered the Face time and like, like, sat up from bed. And the way he got, he answered the FaceTime and like, like, sat up from bed. And the way he sat up from bed, my women's body sense is, I was like, what are you doing?

He's like, nothing and he's getting out of bed but he's not rolling over to the side, okay? He's getting out of bed. I go, show me the bed right now. He goes, what are you talking about? No, I'm going downstairs, I said, if you don't show me the bed right now, you'll never hear from me again.

He shows me the bed quickly, like a quick, there was a girl in it. There is a girl in it. He goes, my mom is visiting. The best part about it. I obviously freak the fuck out. A couple hours go by. The best part about it, this woman peed in his bed

Carmas and so I said thank you to that woman. Did you stay with him? Yeah I Can't remember like what ended up happening, but I think no we broke up after that But it was like a week of like shit like fighting and shit coming out. I love that. Because you were, yeah. I love toxicity. Do you know what's fucked up? I don't know if anyone's ever cheated on me.

They have. See that's fucking great. But look, the relationship page. I've dated some like, Hannah. I've dated, okay. They have? The guys. Every guy has cheated.

I don't, I don't believe that. I don't believe that I don't believe that Okay, you and Craig are so similar because Craig pride himself He's a you don't give me enough credit for like how loyal I am and I'm like I don't give you an credit for doing the right thing I think there's I think there's two types of guys. Yeah, I think there's cheaters and non-cheaters. I met one non-cheaters Supposedly, I don't think every boyfriend I've ever had has physically cheated, but I know the ones that didn't physically cheat, I know they emotionally cheated, sometimes they did both.

So I classify all... Well, emotionally cheat, like I'm fine with a guy having a crush. I'm not. I'm new. Well like thinking your girl's hot, like that's fine. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. It has eyes. Right. In person, like she probably, you guys don't have the chemistry with you. Yeah. She hates thinking a girl's hot, like that's fine. Okay. It made up in your head. It has eyes.

In person, like, she probably, you guys don't have the chemistry with you. Yeah, she hates you. She's bad at tennis. Yeah. Like, why don't we do a laugh around her? I don't think so. So I don't mind a talk, like, think a girl's hot. Yeah.

But, like, messaging, that's different. That's different. But I do think that it's just two kind of people. I think cheaters are always cheaters. Okay. Question for you. Do you think a cheater can become a non-cheater? I think if he did it when he was really young and it was stupid and it traumatized him,

then he will be like, he'll be taught. But I also think some, cheating takes effort and it also is the kind of personality where you always want more and you're deeply insecure. If you find a guy who's not deeply, also some guys, they're not capable. For example, I'm gonna believe his name, but like, I would never cheat on me.

Never. I have a few of those. I have never done a boyfriend. Never. There's this comic, Rachel Feinstein. She's best friends with Amy Schumer. And she just did the roast of Bert Kreischer on a really fans TV I love which I wash okay I need to watch it okay it's really funny and Rachel was like practicing jokes at the stand for the roast and she was like everyone thinks

Bert's such a great guy because he doesn't cheat on his wife on the road meanwhile I spent one weekend away from my kid and they treat me like I'm Casey Anthony no literally because there are so many times Craig's like but I've never Meanwhile, I spent one weekend away from my kid and they treated me like I'm Casey Anthony. No! Literally! Because there are so many times Craig's like, but I've never cheated and I would never cheat on you. And I don't even message girls and I'm like, okay, but that's what you're supposed to not be doing. Like, and I even have girls say it to me like, well, Craig's the most loyal of any guy I know. And I'm like, he's the best of the worst. Like, okay. The most loyal of every guy I know and I'm like he's the best of the worst like okay most loyal of every guy know have you dated him?

like yeah there's like me I've never seen him cheat on you and I've never seen him generally and I'm just like but yeah he's not supposed to man that is the bare fucking minimum the second I wanted she done I literally I literally said the bar is so low I got a dig for it like it's underground I'm gonna tell you how much not a cheater I am. I've been dating this guy long distance for two years in college, and we were having ups and downs, whatever,

but like every night we're calling, I'm crying about tennis, he's there for me, he's amazing, whatever, he's awesome. We dated like two years after college too, whatever. It's like the last, second and last weekend in college. And there's this one guy who was so hot, who I'd see all over Facebook, and he was like, not an athlete,

but friends with all the athletes. Like, hot to the point that like, and you know this my type. Like, I wonder if you love the hot. I love the hot. I wanna go for the last guy part. I wanna be less hot. I wanna take him from the bench and be like,

I'll mold you. You'll find a little frog. Yeah, I'm really like, you're so lucky that you're here. Let me change everything about you. It'll be fun. Yeah, I wanna go his way hotter than me and then I just be like liquid. I got yeah But I'm like not really giving me a lot of attention Because I have a boyfriend right and I want him to come obsessed with me. Yeah

He comes up to me and he's like where you from and I'm like a Brooklyn He's like my grandma's from Brooklyn and then we which is so random you remind me of my grandma Oh my god my grandma's so hot too So we're talking one thing he did has my have a list, which I did not predict. You did not anticipate that. I did anticipate that. But I remember being like, okay.

We could work with that. Okay, quirky. Yeah, I bet he's going down on a girl's then. We get to the bar. He was kind of hot. We're like, the bartender was like, hey, those girls over there. Just got you this shot.

Like the girls were buying him shots. Never mind. I was talking and we like get zoned in. Like one of those like two hour talks, we're like we're zoned in and I'm at the point where I'm like, I have to tell him I have a boyfriend. So at the end, I'm like, I have a boyfriend and he's like, really?

And I'm like, he's a jazz musician and he's like, oh, that sounds cool. And I'm like, yeah. And then he's like, are you guys breathing like that too? Yeah. Yeah. It's getting hot and steaming. And he was like, well, do you want to go sandwich?

And I was like, and that's the key to your heart. And I was like, yeah. I fucking love penninis. And there was this place called Herb and Gerberts that Becca worked at. I think Becca was there. Sounds like it's going to herbs and herbs. So this is the after party.

We're sitting there and I got this like huge peanut butter and jelly sandwich I remember and a chocolate milk. It was amazing. And Becca's looking at me like, which what the fuck are you doing? And I'm looking at her and I'm like, I don't fucking know what's going on. And we're sitting and we're still talking. Like we're like in this like incredible discussion. Like a strand.

And then my apartment was like a block away next to karaoke bar And he walks me back and we're standing in front of my door And he's like I wish I met you earlier And I was like I wish I wish I met you earlier too and you made out No, you had sex on the street. No, I just opened the door and left Oh, so you didn't cheat. No, oh my god I'm the story was going you had like the craziest night of sex. I didn't cheat. No. Oh my god! I- The story was going to you at like the craziest night of sex of so passionate. No. So you go upstairs, okay.

And then, that was it? Okay, you are so fucking lame. No, Pete, like would you have done it? Yes! I was like trying to be like a good person. Here's the thing, I- I will say I have cheated on boyfriends before I've been in college before in my Defense the boyfriends I've cheated on were cheating on you won cheated on me first So you know I fucking love revenge and two I always cheated on them with my favorite ex boyfriend

You have multiple boyfriends. Yeah, that's just that's just a polyamorous relationship. I'm just nostalgic. Okay. No, my thing is if I cheat, I know the relationships over. Right. Because I can't get over it and I can't lie. So I was like, do I want to end my relationship right now? I don't condone cheating, obviously, and but I was like in college. Yes. Same with me. I was in college and like, you meet this gorgeous guy

and then you're like, oh my God, I could have dated him. Like, we were in college together for four years and never ran into each other until that last weekend. We had mutual friends, everything. Where is he now? I don't know. I remember like, he's one of those like no social media guys. Hot.

Anyway. Anyhow. He's like, oh, that was an intense epi. That wasn't intense. I feel like that. I feel like we kept just chat. We haven't seen each other. I feel like we have it a lot. We like talk the whole time. That's crazy. We have that happens. Thank you for giggling with us. Check out our the link in our Instagram to get our live shows. We have our cow girl western merch collection that came out? Obsessed with it. Obsessed. Especially if you go into the shows in Texas, make sure you grab that even if you're not in Texas, even if you're fucking I-Wup.

And we love you guys. And we'll see you next time. Thanks for giggling with us. Bye.