Giggly Squad - Giggling about subpoenas, sunny d, and ex boyfriends

Episode Date: May 15, 2026

Paige is exploring empathy and Hannah reveals her guilty pleasures. subscribe to our newsletter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sup gigglers. Gary, fix the Wi-Fi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed. Got away from me? Okay, you on cocaine would actually be the best night of my life. We'll do a hand and pasteur on things. The business ideas alone that you would come up with.

If I did do cocaine and came up with 100 business ideas and one of the business ideas was good and you... Worth it. Absolutely worth it. Absolutely worth it. By the way. Yeah. Oh my God. I tried a new coffee place.

And I walk. No, it's fine. I love a new coffee place. It's fine. You were being a tourist in your own city. Yes. And the barista was like performing. And I'm like on my phone and I, you know, when you hear.

Baristas are the flight attendants of the land. Yes. They either are. Oh my God. Right. Oh my God. They are the flight attendants of Earth. they literally they have so much power in such a small area and like their mood dictates everyone's mood

and it's so true because you know a flight tan comes in you're like oh we're having jokes we're having fun she's happy she's well rested and then there's the ones that you're like I'm scared of her I'm messing up she's mad at me yeah she's livid so this barista I hear him like obviously he's like a hilarious gay yeah and so he's running the room and this is early so I'm like not I haven't turned on my personality yet. Yeah. We're charging. And I hear him exclaim.

Like the word exclaim, like he exclaimed. You know exactly what I mean. Exactly what you're talking about. I've never in my 33 years on earth have ever heard someone say that. I've only read it in a book. I've only read it in a book. I saw it for the first time in person. He exclaimed.

He went, oh. He mixes. So I'm... A gas. A gas. And at attention. The girl in front, he goes, ice latte with oat milk. Never have I ever.

So he's like making fun of her. And I realize like, oh, we're in a bit. Yeah. We're in a bit. And she's just like froze, which like I would be in my 20s for sure. So he's and she's like, yeah, with ice. And he's like, an iced one never heard of her. And he's like, you can tell you.

Wait, the girl couldn't go. along with the bit? She was just kind of like, please give me my coffee. She's like, I don't have time for this right now. It's in New York City. It's always the days that you're like, I don't have time when someone's doing something so insane. And to like explain it to anyone anywhere else in the country, they'd be like, oh my God, go to the police. And by the way, this place is full of people working and no one's looked up from their computer. Like they're just like, it's another day. I don't know if he does this all the time. I'm new to this establishment. So I don't know if they're like, I'll just Gary being Gary.

So he's going nuts. And then I, for a second, I'm like, there's two ways to go about this. I can show up and just kind of take it and leave. I'm like, or I'm like, Hannah, you're a fucking stand-up comedian. Yeah. You stand up to this man. You join in. So I go, fuck it.

And it's my turn. And I go, you're not going to believe what I'm about to order. And you can tell he's like, he's like, is she fucking whatever? And I go, I'm getting an ice latte with oat milk plus vanilla. He jumps in. He goes, not vanilla. And we like, start going back up for it. Did this happen today?

Yes. So I'm exhausted. I put in a good 30 minutes of crowd work with the barista. Oh, God. I can honestly say I've never once talked any time I've ever walked into a coffee shop. No, but this is my thing where I'm like, I'm sorry, I just need my coffee. Like, it's one thing if it's no. But you know what?

I see both sides. When I'm miserable at work, there's two ways you go about it. You could cry or you can laugh. And this man chose happiness. Is he coming for some people in the line? Yes, but you know what? You know, this is New York City. People are always auditioning.

Well, I was about to say, do you want to open for me? Do you have a good 10 minutes? The floor for minimums eight hours. I mean, he's on a stage. Yeah. He has the microphone. But it does make your job more fun when every time someone orders something, you have an insane reaction to it.

Just watch. It's in the Lower East Side. If anyone, what's it called? I don't know. I blacked out. That's a shout out. But if you're not in the mood, don't go to that place. Anyway, what's up, Gigglers?

Yeah, we didn't even say hi because we got right into it. I like your head, band. Thank you. How are you? Good. Did you see the jig from State Farm got a hold of Windbreaker Gate? Whenever brands get involved in like certain funny bits, it's interesting to see like what brands State Farm wasn't in my back pocket.

I was not expecting them. The OG Gigglers, no. back in my day, I was seeing a guy named Jake during COVID, and we called him Jake from State Farm. So it was kind of a beautiful... Honestly forgot about that. And you know, we called Des, Caddy Daddy. Oh, my God. It's so funny, though.

The other day, I was cleaning out my kitchen. You ever cleaned out your kitchen? Never in my life. Okay, let me tell you, you find things. Like, it's a totally different world. than cleaning out your bedroom or cleaning out your closet because you're like, when would I ever use 85 spatulas? Do you remember spiralizers?

Spiralizers? There was like a time in 2018 where all the girls were buying these like $10 spiralizers on Amazon where you put a zucchini in it and you spiral it and you make zucchini pasta. You know, I didn't have one of those, but that's the type of things I was finding. Like choppers and like slicers and like a salad make. I'm like, I've never made a salad at this dish. But it's the kind of stuff you buy to just make yourself feel better, but you know it down.

I was like, I'm an adult. I should have, like, a complete kitchen. So I'm cleaning out my kitchen and I just find, like, a coffee mug that's a State Farm on one side and Jake on the other. And I was like... Is his name Jake? No, not his real name. Okay, it's false advertising. There was a whole other guy before him.

Yeah, what did they do with him? You're done in this town. I want to see a documentary of where the first Jake from State Farm is now. Yeah. And the guy from Del. The guy from Del. Whatever happened to him? Remember him?

True. Remember? They brought back the mayhem guy because people were like, hello. Yeah. There should be awards for commercials. Flow from Progressive. We do know.

She's probably made so much money. So much money from that. She's probably like tried to audition for something else and they're like, hey, can we talk for a second? You're full of from Safe. I actually think I have seen her in something and I'm like, sorry, she's typecast now. No, like they actually do. I met the Verizon girl.

Yep. Who is an incredible actress, but, you know, she's so widely known. Yeah. Do you guys want to know what happened to Jake from State Farm? Yeah. The original Jake from State Farm was a real estate farm employee named Jake Stone, who worked in an Indiana call center, was cast from an internal casting call, blah, blah, blah. He did not pursue acting, left State Farm to become a bartender, and now lives a private life with his family.

Obsessed with him. He got too big. He was like, I didn't want this fame. I didn't want this life. He's like, Hollywood is not for me. That is so not how I saw it going. He got too famous. The new guy's name is Kevin, by the way.

And he was like, I just want to do my passion, which is making drinks. Look, I get it. Well, what's funny about when I saw this cup, I literally had a thought where I was like, oh, should I throw this out? And then I was like, yeah, throw it out. No, I would never. You don't know anyone named Jake. It doesn't matter.

Like, just throw it out. And I was like, what am I ever having an encounter with State Farm where I have to be like, I threw your cup out. Literally three days later, Jake from State Farm on Windbreak Creek Day. The universe came for you with that. I was like, it's just a cup. Also, I love. I've been thinking about it, though, nonstop.

State Farm is so happy right now. The marketing girls are like, we knew they would latch on to this. You know that he, they had to set that up. He had to go in his green room. Right. Have the windbreakers or the jackets lined up. So shout out to the girl at marketing that put that together. Do you ever have like where you feel bad for like inanimate?

objects. Like, do, are you ever, like, in your house and, like, um, like, I'm trying to think of an example. Like, like, the salt shaker is in one cabinet and the pepper is in another and you're like, oh, I feel bad because they're, like, alone, so I have to, like, put them together. You should talk to something about that. You should for sure talk to someone about that. It's crazy because you don't feel bad for, you never felt that.

You don't feel bad for animate objects. But non-animate objects do you suddenly have empathy for? Yeah, look that up. Get that checked out. Like you've never like left your stuffed animal and you're like, okay, like I'm leaving and like I'll be. This isn't Toy Story 3. Guys, not one time your entire childhoods. You've never looked at an item and been like, I feel bad.

Well, you're like the most materialistic person I've ever met in my life. But now it makes sense because you're like, because they have feelings too. Like maybe. No. A plant, maybe I would. Don't get me. Sorry about my plant. I'll cry. I've had my plan for almost 10 years. It's my favorite item.

Don't get her. She would speak of my plant. She had to take my plant for like a couple weeks. You didn't trust her. And I checked on my plant more than I've ever checked on Daphne with like the sitter. I'm like, Josephine, don't forget to water my sitter. Well, with you the sitter, you have to check on the sitter more than Daphne. You're like, has she been rude? Is she making you feel bad about yourself? Okay. So is your kitchen clean? Yeah, my kitchen's clean. I got a lot. I got rid of a lot of stuff. You don't realize how many things you have that end up being expired. It's not good. You got to check. Oh, that's why I don't have anything in my fridge. Yeah.

Well, it's more of like my canned items and like my dressings. Wait, canned items go bad? I thought that was the whole point of preparing for the apocalypse. Well, sometimes. Like, I think I threw out some like soups. I don't think I've ever bought a canned item and ate it. Really? Like, you know, I've been on a tuna kick.

So like, I've been eating tuna. I just recently ordered a bunch of beans because I got a TikTok that was. that was like, beans are so good for you. And my mom always says that, so I'm like, let me get on my bean cake. Poor Daphne, she's like, you're hobboxing me. Wait, wait, you love tuna, but you're not giving fishwife a chance? Fish wife? Oh, the tin fish.

Yeah, because they have tuna, albacore, salmon. What does it look like inside the tin? It looks like a tuna fish can. Okay, then I'll give it a try. You should give it a try because it's full of antioxidants and I'm not sponsored by them. There's this thing in my brain that... It's cat food. No. There's this thing in my brain that it's like, this is sick too. If my mom didn't buy that brand, I'm not buying that brand.

Oh. Like I can't deviate from certain things because I'm like, I didn't grow up with that and like we use Heinz ketchup. Like, yeah. And you know like when you go to someone else's house and you're like, oh, interesting. You guys are that family you buy that brand. You're like you guys are glowing the dark because you're drinking that orange juice product. Like I remember one time I went to. my friend's house and instead of orange juice in the morning, they drank Sunny D. And I was like, I was like obsessed. I love it. And I remember going back home being like, mom, there's a different kind of orange juice you can buy. And she was so offended. She was like, I'll never put Sunny D. Sunny D. Is if orange juice and Mountain Dew had a baby. Yeah. And their name was Chad. It's juice. I mean, not juice. It's basically soda. It's like soda juice.

Yeah. Wait, Sunny D. Oh my God. I had some crazy days on Sunny D as a kid. I was Sunny D and then blackout for four hours. You wake up. Everything's a mess. You came out from a K-hole. Sunny D is... We were very different children. That was my K-L.

Like, I didn't play unless my socks matched my bow. So, no, I didn't flack out on Sunny Day. My mom had a full meetings with babysitters telling them to water down my juice because I was, like, unsafe to be around other kids with the amount of sugar I was, anyway. Sunny D. Oh, my God. Yeah, that was a blast from the past. Wait, I was going to say something before we got on a sunny detail on Jen that I just, like, didn't see coming.

I feel like you should be wearing more rings. Why are you not wearing any rings right now? You know, I just saw my ring. This is also what happens when you clean things out. I go, guys, I don't wear you enough. Paige is wearing a ring. How did you choose which fingers? Do you feel bad for the fingers that don't have a ring?

I actually did. I said, oh, you guys have two rings you're together and you don't have any. rings. I'm really into like, I mean, this is obviously a fake diamond, but I'm really into pinky rings recently and I ordered from this. Because you're Italian. This is a new. Wow, yeah. And I ordered from this brand. It's called Wolf and Badger and they had like all these like diamond pinky rings that I'm like obsessed with. And that's just my. I'm obsessed with non-diamond rings because I don't want the responsibility of owning real jewelry. You know, I have a sensory problem. So I don't, which I feel like you do too, because you.

You never wear jewelry when you don't have to. I don't wear my wedding ring. Right. Because it gives me a wrench. So I don't wear a lot of jewelry either, but every time I see a girl that's like has a bunch of rings on, has a necklace, it has her earrings. I'm like, oh yeah, your outfit looks ten times better because you accessorized. I feel like ring girls to me are like tattoo girls where like it looks good on them. But on me, it's like she's a tryhard.

Yes. Fake bitch. I love tattoo girls. Oh my God. Every now when I see one, like this girl's playing tennis and she has one on. on her arm. I mean like real tattoo girls, like a cat Von D tattoo girl.

Yeah. Like full sleeves. Do you know how girls were like, if I was a worm, would you love my ass, does? I was like if I was tatted up all the way, would you love me? I don't remember what he said,

because I didn't care. So that is the most random. Look, if he said no, I would be like, what is it, 195? Wait, I keep this a secret, so I'm just gonna tell the gig there's. It's our four year anniversary. That's disgusting.

I know. Wait, Hannah, the other day, did you see that when you commented on Des's Instagram, you're like, nice jacket? Oh, yeah. I commented back to you and said, don't get any ideas. But when I saw you comment on your own husband's Instagram, I did have a moment where I was like, oh, they have inside jokes. Okay, so they have bits that they run that I have no idea about.

You're actually in on that bit because Des was going to do comedy. stops and goes, look at my outfit, and I go, wait, I love that jacket, and you go send it to page, and then walked out. But I just had a moment where I was like, oh, she has a friend. She talks to you. But, like, obviously, you've been married for four years. That's your friend. But I was like, oh, okay, I guess, I guess I'm out.

I like, I do like to comment on his photo just to remind people that I'm there, that I'm lurking. Yeah. But never to, like, lovey-dovey. No. But not too mean where people think we're in a fight. I like it very in the middle. What are you going to do for your four-year anniversary?

Are you doing anything? We forgot. It was actually yesterday. That's so you. Wait, that is so you guys. Well, we woke up in the morning and I had to hop on a plane and I got on the plane and he texted me. By the way, it's our anniversary.

And I was like, I love you. I forgot. Wait, not to sound so pick me, but you really aren't like other girls. Like, I feel like if you ask like a 25-year-old guy. like, what's their dream girl? Like, it is you because you don't care about, like, certain things that, like, the majority of girls would be pissed. Like, if you asked a random girl, oh, if your husband forgot your wedding anniversary, would you be pissed? The majority would say, yeah.

Well, you're like, I forgot. I was going to say, I'm not mad at him because I'm in the same boat. But also, I just want a man who's kind and nice and funny. And those, I do think when a guy goes too hard, On anniversaries, it's like, you have another family. Yeah. Interesting. Like, Des is not overcompensating.

Is Des like, I'll send you flowers randomly kind of guy? Or is he, like, I feel like he's like an act of service guy. Like, I helped you organize this because it would help your day. So, great question. I early on, like, kind of made a joke, but I was serious. I was like, I don't, I'm not really a flowers person. I get them. And then.

It's the most pick me thing. No, it's so pit. Because I don't say it out loud. That's pick me. but like to him I was like, don't get me flowers. What don't you like about getting flowers? Because then they go bad. Also, I have to take care of.

Suddenly I have a child in my house and I'm not around and then starts smelling. I get in trouble because the better eats a flower throws up. Like it's just I've never had a good experience with flowers. I guess like Valentine's Day, I'm like, yeah, I could use a flower. But like, guys randomly bringing you flowers. I'm like, who did you fuck today? Yeah. Like I don't like that at all.

This is does. Well, first of all, I land for the Sports Illustrated weekend I'm doing. immediately order Chinese food. Like, as I'm getting in the Uber, I get my chicken and broccoli with white sauce, mushy pork, and dumplings. Go to town on it. Yeah.

Realize, oh, I have a fitting for a Sports Illustrated weekend. Nothing sipping. And I was like... Well, the sodium alone. The sodium and the bloat from the flight together was disastrous. Diabolical. And I knew I was about to get a spray tan. It was hard.

But anyway, my specials coming out. And we're doing, we're trying to put the trailer together. Comedy trailers are really hard because they don't want to put the full bit. They want to like tease. But if you tease too much, it just doesn't, it look like you're saying anything. Right. So I'm like insanely editing this trailer. And I called him just like overwhelmed by the edit and like trying to figure it out.

And he like talked me off a ledge and he's like, let me look at it. I'll have figured out whatever. Like that's what I want my husband for. Right. Not giving me flowers and then like not talking to me all day. Hmm. Which does not be. He's supposed well.

Honestly, I'm going to say the latter. But the trailer said, I think we got it. I'm just like a perfectionist with it. Yeah, you are a perfectionist. I showed it to you. Yeah, it's really good. You looked phenomenal. Well, that's all you care about.

It's so funny because there was one part in the trailer where I was like, pause real quick. And you were like, I know what you're going to say. And I was like, your hair looks phenomenal. Like in that two seconds. You watch it on mute. I was like, did you like the bits I chose? And you go, the way you're, Your hair was like off your shoulder.

Well, because you know what? I think everything you do is funny. So I don't even have to, like I don't have to check on that. I'm there for certain aesthetics things that maybe you wouldn't think of. I would have missed. Yeah. And Des would have missed. Oh, God.

So anyway, happy anniversary, Desmond. You know how there's like a whole side of TikTok that's like Chinese medicine and like. Guys, this is a. important actually. She goes, it's where I get all my doctor stuff. Don't even speak badly because there are a lot of things that I've tried

that I'm like, that actually really did work. So the most reason thing was like, you know it's how you're going to go. And look, St. Anthony, don't let this happen, but I'm going to see like a trend. I'm going to shove something in the wrong place, wake up in the morning.

Or like, like, eat this. I'm like, absolutely. No, this girl was saying that in Chinese culture, it is just the norm that when you're at home and you're about to take a shower, if you're a girl, you get undressed, you take your underwear in the shower with you. You wash it in the shower, then you throw it in your dirty laundry because they're like, it's such a sensitive area that it should be washed double. And I'm like Yeah Absolutely like that makes so much sense Then I saw the video

Did you see the girl washing her underwear In a hotel in the coffee machine? Oh Woman in step of the week That is one of the most diabolical Things I've ever seen in my life This is how I do my laundry from now on Because you know I'm in a hotel

With just a bunch of dirty underwear And I'm like do I Instacart There's a sink. But the coffee, the heat, the heat really gets the bacteria. And then people are just drinking your discharge? I don't even notice if there's a coffee machine in my hotel room. Does makes the coffee in this household, or I order it. But also when he tried to explain to me how to make coffee, because I didn't drink coffee until, like, I went on tour.

Yeah. Because I was too hyper. I could barely drink Sunny D. He's like, yeah, you just know how much. He acts like an Italian grandma. He's like, you just put so coffee on the. The coffee on the top. What's your coffee machine of choice?

That's his job. Like, he's the house manager. Right, he is. Like, I don't ask where things are from, how they got there. It's so true. How they work. I don't know when it's working, when it's not working. Occasionally I'll just be like.

Do you know the brand? Like, are you a cuisine person? Do you, are you doing like... Is that a quezine? Quezine art. Cuisine art? No. Cuisine art.

I think I'm saying it right. Or are you like an espresso pod family. See, Nisprosopod, that's a whole different... It's a whole different genre. That really stresses me out. I've fucked up many Nespressopods in a hotel room. Yeah, see, now after the woman washing her underwear, I'll never even... Two things that are bougie about me.

Let's hear them, because I... Let me think first what I think. Not travel. Not every day. Not sleeping accommodations. Hmm. I'm really getting stumped. I would say now.

So the person you are today, I would say... You're not going to get it. I know, because I was going to say hotel, but you're really not. Well, I do love hotel rooms. I love treating my openers to amazing hotel rooms now. But that's all because you taught me that it was important. Because I'm like, we got to bed, we got to bed. Okay, these are things I spoil myself with now.

I will order an $8 delivery coffee in the morning. In the morning, if I want. Yeah. that's non-negotiable. I love, and I want it like a milkshake. I want hazelnut. I want it, whatever. Second thing.

Really get your gut started on the right foot. Yes. Really? And then I'm like, I think it may be. Start the day off with bloke because it's only down from there. It's true. If I'm going to be emotionally miserable, I might as well be physically emotionally, whatever. Anyway, okay, this is insane, but I bought on Amazon.

phone chargers with a really long cables cables like 10 photos and I put it in every single you're rich so every room I go into yeah put your hand down you'll find a cable yeah plug it in somehow still my phone's never charged but like you know how like you've that one charge you can never find I'm losing it I one day I said fuck it I'm buying 10 chargers on Amazon I'm putting it in every one of my favorite things is small No, we got it. Every crevice in my house. One of my favorite things is, like, small luxuries that aren't real luxuries.

Like, one time I went away for, like, a weekend with one of my girlfriends, we stayed at this insane house in Miami, and everyone was like, oh, my God, this house is amazing, and it has this, and it has this, and blah, blah, blah. And I go, did you see that next to the beds? They had, like, a little sticky thing that stuck onto the nightside table that you put the charger in, So the cord never. I was like, these people are rich and they know luxury. I then ordered every room needed to have one wherever there was a charger.

So it never like slipped down. I think it might be like the New Yorker of me where like I like to smell bullshit. And sometimes we'll stay in like a nice hotel and you're like, oh, it's so nice. And I get there, the fucking light isn't working. You have to go here to get the charger. I'll burn the place to the ground. I'm like, that's not luxury to me. I don't care that it's like it has gold, like toilets.

I want a charger that, like, I want. What are you in Vegas? Where the hell are you? I am talking about a fucking casino in Vegas. We went to, yes. But these are like, oh, this marble's been around. I don't give a fuck. I can't charge my phone.

Yeah. I hate when there's not enough outlets. Like, I don't need the alarm clock plugged in. I have a phone. It's 2026. Get a grip. Have you ever had an alarm clock go off in a hotel? No.

No. That's happened to me, but I'm not going to get into it right now. I digress. And lastly, I like vintage bags. Yeah. Because it's sustainable. Well, sometimes you do send me a bag where I'm like, that was run over by an 18-wheel tractor trailer.

Someone's grandma owned it, ripped the handle off, sewed it back together. And I'm like, why would you buy this bag for $2,000? Because I love a sale. Yeah, you do. And if it's like, it says like Chanel bag for. for $700. I'm like, this is incredible. I send it to you and you go.

You only like shopping to be competitive. Yeah. I feel like I got something. Yeah. But then you'll be like, let's zoom in for a second. Yeah, let's take a quick gander. Someone took a Sharpie and wrote all over it. Yeah.

And I'll be like, oh, that's why it's like $5. Yeah, it's $4 for a Chanel. But do you ever find with vintage shopping if you find your size? Yeah. And if it's kind of ugly, you're like, well, I have to get it. Yeah. Absolutely. Because you're like, when am I ever going to call?

come across. Like when I go to Italy, there's one vintage store that I go to that I'm like, I have to get everything that's in my size because what am I going to come across? My mom's like, you don't even like it. I'm like, bring it up. The universe was speaking to you. I'm like, I need to get it. One time I went into a vintage store and they were like, this bag came out in 1992. I go, I was born in 1992. That's my bag. She was like, okay. I was something with bags. So it was a whole generation. There'll be an outfit one day that you're like, oh, this crazy outfit works perfectly with this crazy bag, but it could take years.

Right. Vintage shopping is like it could take years to have the perfect thing to wear that to, where I am such a like thrower outer that I'm like, if I haven't worn it in the past year, it's out of there. You get rid of vintage? Well, no, I don't get rid of anything designer. But like if I don't wear something for a full calendar year, I get rid of it because I'm not going to wear it that.

Well, I'm a horrible shopper. I never wear anything. Yeah. It goes the whole time. I'm like, I'm wearing what I've been wearing. Here's the other thing. If you don't see what you have, you can't remember. That's why I'm always organizing my closet because I'm like, I forget that I have things.

Are you against drawers? Speaking of an animal, I'll guess. In 2026. Because if everything's... I'm not anti-drawery. Okay, but like if things are folded up in drawers, you feel like you don't wear as much. Well, I think what goes in drawers is. drawers is your essentials, like your workout clothes, your underwear, your pajamas, like things that

you're not putting together. I do see a world where you're running like a styling organization pimple popping company in your future. I don't know. It's just like you'd be so good at it. But I guess that's how you influence now. Like you tell people. Those are just my hobbies. Yeah. You're like, don't try to monetize my hobbies. Don't try and monetize. Do I try and monetize when you do needlepoint? No. I did it for one day. I'm so annoying. like my dad loves the next and he's so funny when he talks about the next and I'm like dad started next podcast and he's like no this is what I love to do why make it into a job and I'm like okay I'll go to therapy. No truly I have an update from last week I was complaining about people who

blow their nose and make like insane sounds insane sounds a girl messaged me she's our running runner-up woman of the time of the week she said she used to make that noise she realized it's because those people don't realize that you're supposed to close one of the nostril. So they're doing two nostrils, which makes... How do you get any grit? How do you get any air? Also, how did we get there? Like, I don't remember anyone telling me you do one nostril at time. I thought it was just innate. Do you want to hear one of the most disgusting things that I've ever witnessed in my... I don't like phlegm stories. Well, it's a flam story. So buckle up. I... Like, Lugie's make me... I'll die. I had a boyfriend. No. For a... I know. Already.

The fact you're so... I feel like anyone listening to this is like, how many goddamn boyfriends. And honestly, guys, it's actually not that many. It's just they did a lot of weird shit. So I rotate the stories in and out. I had a boyfriend for kind of for a little bit of a while. I was just a shock to see us. Who would blow his nose, no tissue, no nothing, put one finger and just blow into the air. Well, you know what that's called? I'd be like, this is my living room. It's called Snot Rocket. Now, if we're outside on a hot summer day somewhere, he's a little stuffed up. Like, maybe I would get it.

I'm like, go to the bathroom, get a piece of toilet paper. What's going on? Where did you meet this caveman? Like, if there was like a takeout bag or something on the table, he would like just go like that and do it. And I would look at him and be like, people think you're like a put together person. And I'm out here lying. That's like, savage. It was crazy.

It was one of the craziest. like habits that I'm like, where did you even learn this and how has no one in your whole, like, see, this is what I think about men. No one's called them out. No one calls them out. Yeah. They can get into these little pockets for years where they're around people that are never calling them out.

So then here I come and they're like, this is the meanest woman we've ever met in our lives. You're like, I'm calling it. And I'm like, hey, just telling you that. No, you're so right. He was around friends that. We're like, that's actually pretty cool, bro. And he was like, that's my whole thing now. It's my whole personality.

I've snotrocketed before because, like, I'm on the tennis court and you're playing. It's so funny. And you go to the back and you don't have a paper. And you just go, and it feels disgusting. But like, you have to. And you're sweating and you're crying and you're bleeding. Like, that's just part of the war. I'm so happy you said this and brought this up.

Because I used to have a theory. That's another thing. Whenever I have a boyfriend, I have multiple theories about that. that I don't, I don't dare tell anyone. You let the internet handle that. I only tell Hannah so that we can revert back to it after I break up with them so that someone here has remembered my theory. And I used to think like, oh, did the guys that were cool in high school who played sports

do that and you thought it was cool so then for the rest of your life you did that? Now, I made that entire thing up. No, you didn't. But I think it was true. think it was accurate. I just had an epiphany. Yeah. That's why loud short men don't like me. They hate you. Loud short men. Well, you're their competition. Hate me because they see me and they were like, oh, she could beat me at sports and they hate that they couldn't do sports. And I'm like, it's not my fault that I'm naturally athletic and my calves,

like, I have a good vert. Men don't care about women they don't find attractive. So if you meet someone who's your same height, they already know she's never like saying yes to me for a date. And they know I can throw a football farther than them. And they know I could beat the shit out of them. Yeah. And so they're immediately like on the defensive with you. But then with you, they're not. Well, because I come off dainty, but they don't know that I have a mouth on me.

I know. Yeah. And then when you do let the mouth out, they think that they blacked out. They're like, that couldn't have been page. That was Hannah. I think the first time Joe ever heard my mouth, he was like, whoa. And I was like, yeah, I'm so sorry for that. It will happen a million times again.

I had a giggler DM me and she goes, hey, I found my boy. boyfriend's pocket pussy, what should I do? I'm jared. I'm floored. I'm like, of course, the one DM I open. It's the most sexual. I'm like, girl, where? You know? She goes, what should I do? I sent her back the most diabolical response. I go, she goes, should I say something about it?

I go, don't you dare let him know that you know this little tidbit of information because you might need blackmail at some point? Then I said, if you ever get into a fight and immediately the line that came to my head was go fuck your pocket pussy you in-cell loser and then I go I'm so sorry he might be a nice man wait I love where you go hold that it's like a hold that punchline where you're like I'm gonna wait for like an important show to do that punchline you're like this is good see I would immediately just want to talk to him and be like wait tell me the story how this happened or I would I would find a printer somehow print out a photo of my face tape it on put it back or I put

hot sauce in it but that's like if he's cheating or something but also like look on the other side he's... Mining his own business. He's literally at home, minding his own business. Yeah, just having fun. Doing what's naturally done. Is that...

It's the same as a fleshlight? I think it's the same thing. I've never... Same company. Same brand. Have I ever seen one in person? Never have I ever. I'm gonna say never have I ever.

I wonder... Oh no. Remember that time one got delivered to my apartment? and I opened it and I was like, what the fuck is this? And it was the wrong. And you had to look the guy in the eye and given him? I never looked him in the eye. I knocked and ran.

That's how the guy at the hotel felt giving me my thongs from Target. Chris, do you judge a friend if they have a fleshlight? Or is that just kind of? They definitely don't know. Like, is there a certain guy who was a fleshlight? I don't know. It's like openly talk about. Oh, some guys do.

It gets gross. I don't even want to want to do it. And they'll say, like, I bought one. Wait, I love Chris. He's like, honestly, it's really gross. I don't want to talk about it. Not to be so pick me, which is the theme of the episode. But dare I argue, it's the same as a vibrator.

I mean, kind of. We're both like doing the same thing with something plastic. No, you're right. It's like not good for the environment. It definitely doesn't decompose. There's a sadness to it, though. You know what it is? It's because like men can jerk off easier.

We're women like, we need multiple vibrations. We need different shapes. We need a rabbit. We need like all these. Did you do the TikTok of the girl that was like, like, sorry, is anyone using the setting? Z. And everyone was like,

not, why they even? Why is it Morse code? She's like, is anyone stopping, starting? Female aliens calling for help from a different planet. And we're like, what is this? Our third woman of stem of the week is Zara Larson. Yeah. I have a question.

People do the Today Show all the time. Every day. People perform every day on the Today Show. Why is this the first time there's footage going around of an actress, I mean a singer, like doing their practice run at the Today Show? Have you seen this? Didn't see this. All over my feet is Zara Larson. It's like 4 a.m.

Her face is like 4 a.m. No makeup. And she's like trying to go through her practice. And I'm like, why is this being filmed and blasted everywhere? What is the like? She's doing a rhetoric of the video. Like what are people saying? People are just like getting footage of her doing.

doing the practice, like a sound check, as they call it in the biz. They're not being like, oh my God, she's. No, they're like, she's awesome, but like she's bare-faced and she made like a comment about it. You just never seen someone practice for the Today Show? Yeah, there's not, why is it just Zarr Larson they have on Blas doing that? I mean, it was iconic, but like, I've never seen a sound check. I've never seen a sound check either. And I would assume because it's so early in the morning that the people aren't there yet to, like, get footage of celebrities.

I don't think people perform that much. I think they only perform in the summer. Oh. Because they do that like outside summer series. But still like I've never seen makeup-less sound-type footage. No, I don't feel bad for it. It was empowering. But I also was like, at least make it even playing field.

Why just make Zarr Larson go out there? Because I'm not a morning person. So I saw the pain in her eyes. And I was like, I feel so bad. Also, we ran to my ex-boyfriend. Oh my God. You have to tell the gay house. Wait, okay.

You know, when you're walking with your friend and you see someone that's like, okay, maybe not like aesthetically pleasing and you're like, that's your boyfriend. Like, and you're joking. You're like, oh, here's Hannah's boyfriend. So anyway, me and Hannah are walking on the sidewalk and Hannah goes, oh, that's my ex-boyfriend. And I immediately just think everything she says is a joke. So I'm like, okay, cool. I know all the time I'll see like a crazy man right now that she's like his boyfriend.

Yeah, so I'm just thinking like it's a bit. but I didn't really look at the guy, but I just saw that he was on a bike. And so we're like keep walking. And Hannah's like, no, really, that's. You had zero reaction. I was like, well, I was 22, Living Hills Kitchen. That's my ex-boyfriend.

And I was like, oh, I didn't know you were serious. Then I, at that same exact moment, you're still looking straight. I turn around. I see him go past on the bike. And I'm like, oh, he's definitely checking to see if it was you. Then I hear him coming, like, behind us. And I'm like, okay, just like keep logging, keep bogging, keep bogging. No, mind you.

So many obstacles when I was really, first of all, I was really sweaty. Yeah. To the point. You were overstimulated. I was wearing jeans and it was really sweaty. And I had been overstimulated for like the last hour. Yes. And then I put my hair up in a bun, which I never do.

Because that's how hot and overstimulated it was. Yeah. And if you see Hannah's hair up, it's not good inside. It's not good. I'm freaking the fuck out. So I was already like over it. And then it was such a like moment that your ex-boyfriend would come by. Yeah.

So if I had been like feeling myself, I would have turned the fuck around and be like you. But I was like, we got to get out of here. Like this is not the moment that I envisioned. This is not the timing. And because he was one of my good ex-boyfriends. Like he did. Oh. So like we could have said hi.

No, he's done nothing wrong in his life. What is that like? This was a Lenore situation. This was early in my 20s. Lenore just goes, I'm over it. And I was like, but he's like, and she's like, yeah, I don't think he's the one. Yeah, he's fine. She was like, he's fine.

You're 23. What are you going to do, date him for four more years? Get out. That's me. And the breakup was actually really sad. Oh, my God. It was just like a normal day and I was like, hey, so I had a meeting with my mom. And we've decided to never see you again.

We're going to have to let you go. Yeah. And he was like, so I can't talk to you tomorrow. Like there was like no bad vibe. Like it was really sad. Yeah. And I was like, I don't, let me call my mom. And then I was like, yeah, she said we can't talk tomorrow.

And like she was right. Like he wasn't who I was meant to be with. But like I actually wouldn't have, I could have not gone into comedy if I stayed with stayed with him. Wow. I think I've had like one of those breakups. I think I would have gotten distracted maybe later. Well, you were bored already with him.

Maybe. I remember like it definitely was, it definitely was, it was a premature breakup. Like I definitely was like the next day I was like, oh, I can't text him. And I'm the one who broke up with him. But it was, I was ready. There was tears. Interesting. For sure.

It was really sad. That's sad. But like, it was mature of me to be like, we need to get more people on the roster. I don't recommend the roster. It felt like, it felt like I was running a basketball team. And the star of my team, he was good.

He's never done anything wrong. We're not winning a championship. Got it. So I was, they're like, what can I do better? And I'm like, it's just not championship material. You just don't have the sauce. You don't have the sauce.

You know, and that's fine. And we need to bring in some new blood to, like, get a new team to possibly win a championship one day. Wait, that's a great way to put it. That's literally how it was. So I actually have not had, like, any real dramatic breakups. One breakup I had. That sounds so nice. That says a lot about you, I think.

And a lot about me. Shout out all my ex-boyfriends. Also, all my ex-boyfriends, like, real ex-boyfriends, don't have social media. That was what was crazy about seeing him on the bike because, like, he has, you search his name, nothing coming. up. And his mom has texted me recently. Wow. It was one of those. Because like we never had beef. I never had beef. I never had to his mom. And she probably was like, I get a girl.

But like we're cool. No satisfaction. Like a mom years later being like, you were the one. And I'm like, bitch. I know. I know. Tell me something I don't know. I'm like, you have amazing taste. Just not with your son. But then also once I had to break up with a guy, I had to wait for my mom to go on vacation. So I could do it because she really liked him.

And I didn't want her. So I did it while she did it. she's on vacation. She came back and I had to drop it on her. I mean, I was right. She just was like, I knew it would upset her and I didn't want to upset her before her vacation. Because I love my mom. It's funny because I get a lot of DMs of girls being like, I'm going through a breakup and very split. Some are like, what do you do to be like distracted? Like how do I move on? And then other girls will be like, I'm devastated. Like I was blindsided. And honestly, I feel like they should be sending like you those messages because you're more like of a logical breakup where I'm like I hate you. You just went through a very public breakup so people are like want to connect

with you on it. But no, I'm really healthy with breakups. Yeah, where I'm like, I've never hooked up with an ex. Yeah, that's crazy. And do you, do any ever reach out to you like amicably and say like, Just like been seeing what you were doing, like so proud of you. I've dated a certain character of guy who, again, is like chill, confident, doesn't do social media, doesn't want attention. When we broke up, he was like, I love you, I wish you the best. And then never heard from him again. Yeah. I have like multiple guys like that where I can't.

That's why I was so freaked out. Yeah, I have a couple like never heard from them again. Like I don't know if they're alive. Shout out British Dave. Like I don't talk to him. Like he'll say happy birthday sometimes. If something really big happens, he'll say something. That's really nice.

He's dating a girl in Australia. And like we just, we always loved each other. We just, it wasn't like, like, we never even were like official. I don't think. Stop. That's so nice. We just, because we, like, fucked with each other. Like, you know, I don't have one ex-boyfriend that would dare, even dream to dare to send me a text saying congrats on, like, anything.

They wouldn't, it wouldn't even cross their mind. There are a ton of great guys I dated and then there's some where it's like, they know I know who they are. Okay. The shots are a lawyer. Yeah, this episode took an interesting turn. I have the best break of advice. Okay.

If you're feeling like shit, first of all, if you're blindsided, like that's not your soulmate. Right. But thank you. Now go have fun. If you're single, tell yourself I'm going out tonight. This is the song you put on that will heal everything every time.

riding solo Jason Derulo. Have you played that song recently? I haven't. Put it on? You're good. You've moved on. You're excited. You're like, get me out there in these streets.

I hate the phrase industry plant because I like don't know what it is. But I feel like Jason Derulo was an industry plan. He had like a real time happening during COVID. Like he was really on the internet during COVID. He was at a point with his songs where like they all somehow like had a little cocaine in them or like they had like. They were like so catchy. It was bad. but like the trumpet song.

Like imagine me trying to pitch that to a room. Like I have a, it's just about trumpets. And the trumpets go, do, do, do, do, do, do. That is a phenomenal song. They'd be like, one of the best songs. On paper, sounds horrible.

In person, that could change a party. Remember he, like, broke his tooth or something? No. I think he dated Jordan's parks. Can you pass me that water? Well, whoever decided water bottles should be made for ants. Why are there ant water? Like, who's like, like, just,

Have a full water bottle. And it's not even good for you because it's in plastic. And it's just like there's so much plastic all around us. I can't take it. I have two qualms with like technology right now. One, my TikTok is so bad right now where I don't know if it's because I don't scroll that often. But when I do, I'm seeing things from a month ago. Oh, I hate that.

On my feet. And I have like pop culture stuff. So they'll be like you'll never guess what just happened. And I'm watching three minutes of it. I realized, this is from three months ago. Nothing should be on your feed from April 1st. Right. That never happens to you?

It does, but that's when I'm always like, the government's up to something. Yeah, like, I don't know what's happening. The number two. I'm like, this is bigger than me. It's too easy to delete a note on your notes app. Hannah, I literally thought I got fired from Giggly Squad last night because I went to add something to the Giggly Squad notes app and it wasn't there. Well, I gaslit you and started laughing.

I'm like, of course you don't have. the Gilly Squad app on your phone. I was like, did I just like delete it? I think I accidentally deleted it and it deleted you. Because I be crazy with my notes and you know you like sneeze and actually you know you have no notes on your phone. If you had to pick one, your text message is getting subpoenaed, your notes app getting subpoenaed. What are you picking? Notes app, 100%. My text messages are insane. Insane. I don't know. I say some crazy things to myself in my notes app. They'll just be like that's not a funny joke. Like that's what they'll see in my notes up. They'll be like, I see the premise.

I don't see where it's going. It would be like her idea when she was high is just chips and dip. I think it would be hilarious my notes app. But also my notes app, what I love is you can go to 2017. And I have like my goals. I have like lists of like my to do list when I was like 25 manifestations or like things that I'm working on. Like it's actually every now and then when you're need to like reflect on your life,

scroll your notes up. Yeah. You'll see like a breakup. text. I always have like my long to-do list. Yeah. My 10-year plan. Yeah.

I was coming up with like funny video ideas in 2016. Outfit ideas. I don't have a lot of outfit ideas. I don't have any of those. I've never. Clothes I want to order. Stores I want to shop at that I won't remember the name of them. Recipes of things that you'll never make.

Yeah. I actually don't have a single recipe in my note. My problem with text messages with which people have to talk about with subpoenas is when someone Someone's texting me. I'm leaning into their side. Doesn't mean I agree with them. Well, I'm matching their energy. I'm not going to just leave someone out here on a limb.

Like, they'll be like, oh, these two are talking shit. I'm like, yeah, but show me talking to the other girl. Right. I was playing both sides, babe. Like, don't put me in a corner. I was just getting information. I really hope that our text messages are never subpoenaed. I don't know in what situation that would happen.

And then they throw this clip of me being like, I'm playing both sides, baby. And they go, she plays every side. Oh, I also had a really traumatic experience at the Netflix is a joke festival that I didn't bring out. What night? Chelsea on their show. After I was like running away from Maria Sharpova, she kept trying to talk to me. I was like, stop. I run into Blakely Thornton.

Yeah. Who's hilarious, fun. We're vibing. We're loud. We're kikiing. And then he's holding a drink. And I'm just like, I'm having a sip. I'm kind of parched off a sip.

Yeah. And he's like, sure, take a sip. Mescal. Oh. what kind of deranged person doesn't warn someone that their drink is mescal had you ever had it?

Yeah, once and I said never do that again. Yeah. See those YouTube videos of babies eating lemons? Yeah. That's what I was when I drank Blakely's mescal. I put him out. I looked at him like I'd been shot. Yeah.

Like I can't drink anything that has any type of smoky, like a bourbon. I don't even know what they drink. But like I'll do a spicy margarita. Of course. I'll do a spicy margarita. I'll do a whiskey ginger. Except then I have a heartburn. Yeah.

Space margarita can be such bad heartburn. To think that you're just going to get a little like tequila soda in your mouth. Yeah. And then get mescal. And he said nothing. He left me for dead. Well, because tequila drinkers are a different breed. Like, I actually, I would say the majority of the people in my life that I'm around when they're drinking is tequila on the rocks.

I feel like it's showing off. Like in your heart of hearts, is that really what you want? Get? No, I don't like alcohol. I don't like the taste of anything. I get pineapple juice. It has to taste good for me. With a little bit of, a little bit of vodka.

Yeah. An ice. A lot of ice. That's like 17 years old. I'm like, give me orange juice. But water it down, please. You're like, do you have any Sunny D back there? I just love it with a little tequila. Wait, sunny D with tequila with slap. It's basically anything it doesn't taste like alcohol. It's basically a mimosa. Like sunny D with champagne would be so good. Lately on flights, everyone is ordering alcohol next to me. Wait, I clutch my pearls on flights sometimes and I understand that people get nervous. But the other day I was on a flight and it was literally, I think we took off at 10-10. And there was a woman behind me and she ordered the most like hardcore drink.

I just like the way she said it was she was like one big rock like three shows. Well they order like they're out of fancy bar in Manhattan and I'm like this first of all. I like didn't really even know you could drink on a plane. Yeah. So these businessmen are ordering mimosas. I thought that was for girls. Yeah. Like why are they taking up all the mimosas?

just like straight red wine too at any time of day. Red wine. Where I'm like, I feel like that's an after dinner drink. This, it just wasn't the demo. It was like a 47 year old businessman seen next to me who's like bossily was like, I want a mimosa. And I was like, and then he went to white wine. Then I'm tracking this man's night.

Like I'm like, oh, we're doing another. I feel like his girlfriend being like, okay, well, we're going to have a fight. He had like, he kept switching. I'm like, why are we switching? Like, stick with an alcohol. And then he's peeing like the whole time for the girls who are stressed when you're and you don't fly that often and you want to get a fucking bellini. Sorry, I love saying bellini. Yeah. I don't know if they're available on flights, but get it. But it's just the men ordering all these memosas. And it's like, this is a business trip. You do this every week and you always get the mimosa and it's eight a.

And it's drinks on flights are for girls. Yeah. It's, unless you're in a bachelorette or you're like going to Mexico. I love the girls on TikTok that pack like, first of all, the girls that have their little snack traits. Oh. Adorable. The girls that pack. There was a girl that made a full matcha. I was like, you're the cutest girl I've ever seen in my life. I'm like, that's a freaking adorable. Romanticize your life.

It was so sweet. And then there's like men ordering like tequila straight. I'm like, you know. I'm like, you're going to see your second family, aren't you? Yeah, I'm like, what are you celebrating? Go to work. Wait, people need to ask men. Yelling on speakerphone for the first 20 minutes?

Stop. Literally stop. Okay. Anyway, thank you guys so much for giggling with us. We love you so, so much. And we'll talk to you next week. Yeah. Bye.