Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 1. Dick Cavett

Episode Date: June 1, 2014

Comedian, author and talk show icon Dick Cavett drops by Gilbert's New York City apartment to sip Merlot and share personal memories of Groucho Marx, Johnny Carson and John Lennon, among others. Dick also talks about the time a guest dropped dead on his set (yes, it actually happened) AND favors Gilbert with some dead-on impersonations of his favorite obscure character actors! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. now there might be some people out there who don't know who dick cavett is so let me tell you, when I was growing up, he was on TV all the time. And there was the Carson Show and Merv Griffin and people like that. And they were always fun. But you knew Dick Cavett would have people different than what the other guys got. You know, he would have like Groucho Marx, Catherine Hepburn, John Lennon. He had like, you know, the greatest authors. He'd have like Richard Burton on. And it was like an amazing thing. And so recently, Dick Cavett came over to my apartment and we recorded an interview where he talks about Groucho Marx and Johnny Carson and he does impressions of these little known character actors. So if you think you know who

Dick Cavett was before this interview, well take it from me, you don't know Dick. me you don't know dick you're listening to the amazing colossal podcast with gilbert gottfried and i'm gilbert gottfried and i'm here with my co-host frank santo prod see i still can't say you'll get it out eventually. Santo Padre. Well done. You're kidding, of course. One time in the middle of a show, I said, I'm here with my co-host and dear friend Frank, and I had to lean over and go, what's your last name? Yeah, yeah.

Well, you meet so many Santo Padres over the years. Who the hell can keep them straight? You can be forgiven. So anyway. Oh, could I make one problem clear? My earphones are so fucking loud that I'm dizzy. Okay. That's better.

That's better. That's better. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Okay. That's better. That's better. That's better. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Okay. Can you say loud on this show? Okay.

Well, we're here. We're still here. Some of us are. Since the Shirley Temple. Well, we were discussing how Shirley Temple, and when Shirley Temple died, that she was supposedly discovered by Harpo when she was a child. The story goes.

The Harpo discovered Shirley. Yes, he saw her walk. No, Alfred Harpo. On the story. No relation. Of the Jersey Harpos. Yes, that's what he said. The story goes that Harpo saw her

on a set of horse feathers. He saw her parents walking past with her and wanted to adopt her. Just thought she was the most beautiful child. This could be. My friend Robert Bader, who's got an essential book coming out eventually about the brothers, would know that for sure. See, I'm too young. All of us here to have seen Shirley Temple in her day. And then as an adult,

I don't think her movies played Grand Island, Nebraska, perhaps. But then later I saw The Pedophile's Dream, Shirley Temple, in just about everything. Can you say that on the Godfrey show? Yeah, yeah. Of course, well, I usually shy away from that type of stuff, but still. You're known for shy away. I should introduce our guest.

That would be a good idea. I'm Diana New. When I remember years ago, there was like Johnny Carson and Merv Griffin. And it's like, what's the matter? Chewing your crackers. Oh, it's fine. That's fine. That's the matter? By chewing your crackers. Oh, it's fine. That's fine. That's the least problem with this show.

I respect that here. There was Johnny Carson and Merv Griffin, both enjoyable. But then there was another show that would get these people on that you'd never see with Carson or Merv Griffin. And there would be like these actors that had never appeared. And that was our guest, Dick Cavett. That was the Dick Cavett show. I'm told this all the time.

You know, I never set out to get people nobody ever got. And yet it happened. I've never been entirely sure why i do know that i got a lot of big people before having miss katherine hepburn on uh but after that it became in a way the show to do for people like that now you had um katherine hepburn betty davis groucho marx uh john and yoko who would never be on a talk show yeah that was their first time to come on after the breakup uh they wanted to come on something they wanted to meet me i went over to the saint regis and there they were on the bed nothing salacious here

John had a lot of work laid out on the bed and they had just finished shooting a bit with Fred Astaire by a handheld 16mm if that's technically possible for a movie John made which I was then put in as I

was there, standing among a line of men, and one whispered to me, and I told something to that one, and so on. I never saw this film, but I was in it. And then I remember the first time John made me laugh, and he was so accessible. Did you ever meet him? No.

He was so easy. He felt like, as you did in the same way with Groucho Marx, the minute you met him, you was your friend, and you talked easily, and there was no awkwardness. Not many people have that. Anyway, John had that. And then I said, well, why me? And he said, well, you've got the only halfway intelligent talk show.

I said, why would you want to be on a halfway intelligent talk show? And like you, he laughed. And we sort of hit it off from that point on. But the other day, a radio guy said, you've got a boxed set of DVDs out. This in no way resembles a plug. You've got several out. But the one called Hollywood Grace,

he said, who's on that? And I thought, well, you should tell me. And I had a copy of it there. And I figured, let's see, we've got Katherine Hepburn, Betty Davis, Fred Astaire, Groucho Marx, Kirk Douglas, Frank Capra, and Mel Brooks,

Lucille Ball, Robert Mitchum, Marlon Brando, Alfred Hitchcock, and Orson Welles. And as I looked at it, I thought, we gave away way too much here. That's a lot. One box, the whole show is there. Sadly, in its way, Rosengarden's great witty musical play-ons and offs,

because the music rights are so complicated, had to be excised largely, but like when I had the great Jan Morris on, the British soldier who became James Morris, who became Jan Morris

after being James Morris and father of four and Queen's Royal Fusiliers or whatever. She was very hesitant to come on about her book Conundrum about her sex change.

And I winced as she came out because I had been warned she might leave. And Rosengarden played There'll Be Some Changes Made. That's clever. She didn't catch it, and she was there for 90 enthralling minutes. Now, can you tell us, this is a story I heard, about your report cards in school.

I found a bunch of my old report cards if this is what you are yes not only referring but alluding to and every one of them since in those days a school teacher was an old pardon me an unmarried lady, Miss Gabus and Miss Fuchs and Miss Wilson and Miss Cross and Miss Graham. Every one of them in my grade school years had written as if they had conspired, oh, and Dick has to learn to be more considerate of others. And the other comment that was

at least three out of five that I dredged up, Dick must learn to control his talking. You know how evil it is to talk. The old bag. I remember

like back then when TV used to have, like, old movies and everything, 24 hours. The Late Show. Oh, yes. Sure. Yes. The $1 million movie. Yeah.

Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. The musical clock. Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. Yes. That's right. That's right. And, you know, so I fell in love with all the Marx Brothers movies. So I fell in love with all the Marx Brothers movies.

And then I remember I would watch Groucho pop up on your show where he'd wear like a little, you know, cap. It was a golf cap. A golf cap. With a bird on it. Yes. And a turtleneck. And a couple of balls. Yes, a couple of balls with clown faces on them. And he would get into these long talks with you where it would be like,

When we were doing motion pictures, and these were pictures where there was motion going on. there was motion going on. And they were talking pictures because these were pictures where people would talk. That's uncanny. Should have known it was Gomo. You have one of the best ears in show business, by the way,

as you know. The first time I ever saw you, I don't know if it was your clawed Rains that knocked me out or somebody else. But I know, and I won't lord it over you, as far as I know, you have never mastered my specialty. Oh. Richard Liu. Oh, okay. Want to hear Richard Liu?

Yes. This will take you back. Richard Liu. Oh, okay. Want to hear Richard Liu? Yes, yes. Richard Liu, for those who don't know, was a Chinese actor who specialized in evil Japanese generals. He was all the nasty Japs in movies. Oh, yes. Irony, of course. Well, it's all right to say that. The New York Times, Japs bomb Pearl Harbor. Truly.

But it sounds funny now. It's a documentary that I said. See, I get in trouble with the Japanese. I admit some issues there. I am of the Japanese. I've been queer for Japan since I was about five years old. I got all the books out of the Grand Island Public Library. And now my japanese spoken

is good enough this is frightfully thing to brag about that i can fool japanese on the phone now so you're richard liu richard yeah as you were launched into saying and i interrupted you chinese actor who ironically played all the evil japanese who were murdering and raping his people at that time in the world during World War II movies. Because the Chinese were sort of getting revenge on the Japanese in movies by playing evil Japanese. Bad as they could. Just like Jewish actors who escaped from Europe were playing

Nazis. That's right. Everybody from Walter Slezak to Helmut Dantien. Who else played Nazis? Slezak, by the way, you remember him, of course. He was always in a Wehrmacht, or not Wehrmacht,

but Schutzstaffel, you know. A German colonel, a German. We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going to... We're going and sometimes I didn't know if I was in Germany or if I was in Austria or what. And what's the difference between being an Austrian and being a German anyway? And he said, oh, don't you know? And I said, no. What's the difference between Germans and Austrians? The difference is that the Germans were Nazis. Takes a beat.

I think for the dummies, he filled it in and said, and the Austrians are. But the interesting thing about that is it's true. There was another actor, Oscar something. Oscar Werner? Oscar Homolka.

Oscar Carl Weiss. Oscar Homolka. He was in a Twilight Zone episode, Welcome to Death's Head, where he played a Nazi officer revisiting a camp. Are you sure his name was Oscar? I have to look this one up. I think so. It couldn't have been my very favorite actor of all time. Which one?

Akeem Tamaroff? Yeah. Oh, God, don't let me blank on his full name. His last name is von Seifertitz. No, that one I wouldn't remember. Google it, seriously. Yeah. It's not Rudolph von, and it's a faun, von Seifertitz.

Can you look up the Twilight Zone episode? Sure, we'll get Dara right on that's a faun, von Seifert. Can you look up the Twilight Zone episode? Sure, we'll get Dara right on that. And then look up von Seifert. Our crack staff is working on it. As we speak. He was a German Jew, and he specialized in Nazi office. Would you do your Richard Lewin? Not Oscar Homolka.

No, no, no. I saw him on Broadway in Rashomon. Oh, my God. So there was Homolka as a Japanese who made wigs, and I can still hear, why did it matter that they cut off the hair? They were dead anyway. And I saw Oscar Homolka in 79th and Park.

Now, for people out there, Rashomon, that was first a play, I think, and then a Japanese movie. Kurosawa movie, yeah. And it became a very popular sitcom. Rashomon? Rashomon, the sitcom? Yeah. Oh, you mean the format.

The format became very popular on sitcoms where they'd have a sitcom where a character would go, oh, that was the worst evening of my life, and then each one would tell. You'd see someone else's view of that evening. Yeah. There was a famous All in the Family episode. All in the Family, The Odd Couple.

I'm told by our staff, by the way. I'm H. J. Kurosawa. Oscar Beregi? Yes, Oscar Bere Bereggi There you go I believe you He's still working on Richard Liu People are going to be calling you up If we don't come up with the first name

The switchboard is lighting up Totally sidetracked Oh wait And so I'm playing The Bitter End, and there's a rumor that my career will soar and that I will move to the Village Gate if I get a second show,

a phenomenon nobody warned me about. The same audience stayed at The Bitter End again, and you and Woody and whoever and Cosby and unknowns like Joan Rivers and one somebody called Rodney Dangerfeld, who was introduced as one there, had to have a second show. And terrified, I went on to the exact same audience,

and I managed to fill out 15 minutes by all but doing Richard Liu, telling him how much I loved him, telling him what movies he was in, Purple Heart, first yank into Tokyo. Purple Heart was the best. And I don't look like him, so you'll have to close your eyes.

Anyway, so finally, I managed to kill almost a whole show worth. And if you wouldn't mind playing this little playlet with me, all you have to say, go, but it's from the Purple Heart where they tortured some B-29 prisoners from the Doolittle raids captured.

All you have to say is, you'll never get any of my men to talk, Colonel Mitsubi. And I'll go into Richard Liu if I can hit it. If I don't hit it, we'll take it out. Okay. You'll never get any of my men to talk, Captain Misubi. Colonel. Oh, Colonel.

You'll never get any of my men to talk, Colonel Misubi. I must remind you, Captain, that a chain is no stronger than its weakest rank. Wow. God, the whole audience first. Unfortunately, there are 200 people here. I got him on the show. I had him on my show. They put him on as a surprise way early.

It was out in California. It's one of the shows the morons erased. For the Let's Make a Deal episodes. For Let's Make a Deal. You're a homework bugger. I had a surprise guest every day, El Capitan Theater, out before the curtain in one, the beautiful curtain closed, and here's today's Hollywood guest.

The curtain's open slightly, and the band, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, I got Richard fucking Lou, he said. I got a chance to do that.

I left out something. He sat down, and he had seen me do him on the Johnny Carson Tonight Show, and he said, Mr. Cabot, we have reason to believe that you came from an aircraft carrier of the

Hornet variety. And I died. That's great. Changed postcards and things. I remember he said that in a movie. Yeah, I remember. Because I always remember aircraft carrier. Of an aircraft carrier.

Yeah, and oh, God, he made a lot of films um what's the one on a mountaintop in hong kong with bill holden and everybody oh that's one of his later films but burma rose the purple heart is the one to see it's a very fine film uh dana andrews um sam levine a whole company of flyers who as in fact happened but they do little raids over tokyo they went going knowing they didn't have enough fuel to get back and many couple crashed and others landed in occupied china oh and you like dialects, and you have the ear, but it's required. In The Purple Heart, the plane crashes. They survive. And Dana Andrews and some of the other crew members are picked up by a corrupt Chinese overlord, presumably an ally, right? And his son

played by Key Luke. The actor playing the Chinese overlord had an exaggerated accent and Key Luke couldn't do one for shit. And you got the following. I was just going to ask you to do a little Key Luke.

Key Luke was the number one son. You know him from Number One Son. Charlie Chan. Google it, folks. Old white actors playing Charlie Chan and Key Luke was his son. I never let an Asian play Charlie Chan. So you heard,

hello, gentlemen. My name is Chen Chiu-Ling, governor of Kunwan Province. And this is my son, Moy. Hello, gentlemen. Watch for it. You'll just. Dick, let me ask you about something we just alluded to,

some of the great late-night Cavett episodes that were foolishly taped over by ABC. No late-night ones. Oh, it wasn't the late-night ones? It was the daytime Dick Cavett show, which, in fact, I have to be reminded was called the morning show at first, and then they did me the twin honor

of changing it to The Dick Cavett Show and also using the tapes to tape Let's Make a Deal on it illegally, like something Richard Nixon would do. Were there some great ones that were lost? Yes. I can't think about it. I don't know if you want it revealed, the interior of your apartment, of the Gottfried apartment,

but behind me is a stunning canvas of Groucho Marx and really good. So there was a show. Sorry to bring the room down. There was a show with Groucho and his dear friend, Harry Ruby, the great Harry Ruby. Oh, this songwriter. We were talking about that. He did a medley of words and the songs he wrote. And he was the funniest, most lovable man.

He's on an episode of You Bet Your Life, Harry Ruby, if you want to see him. He was played by Red Skelton in the movie. They looked a little like him, but nothing like him. And they erased that. I had people that would make a movie buff's mouth water on those early shows. Gail

Sondergaard. Did I have Percy Hilton, possibly? The trivia expert people. Well, some of those Carson shows, the New York Carson shows were taped over as well. Oh, a ton of them. And Jack Parr's prime late night.

His prime was not as good as his late night. Jack's neuroses and strangenesses and weirdnesses and danger and all his electric neurosis were in the late night show and you couldn't take your eyes off him. The great Kenneth Tynan said,

when Jack's on the screen, if there are two people, even if it's Cary Grant or the ghost of Houdini, you can't take your eyes off Jack for fear you might miss a live nervous breakdown. It was so true. I think to Ernie Koufax, they called his wife,

Edie Adams, and they said, it was just some guy who worked at the network, and he said, look, you better rush over here right away. They're going to burn all of his shows. Oh, I have heard this and hoped it was not true yeah did they get there i think she got and saved what she could well i have one like that'll kill

selected people a friend of mine went up to nbc to meet a friend for lunch one day and he said my friend was so depressed i said why and he said, I just erased George S. Kaufman's first appearance on The Tonight Show with Jack Buck. Oh, geez. Groucho's God, George S. Kaufman. Oh, God. Yeah. I remember that appearance almost word for word. And I must have been still in Nebraska when it aired.

Where were we going? Nowhere. I want to hear some more Richard Lou, I think. I thought I slurred off something. I remember one time, at some event, I started doing the Groucho imitation to you, where I started following you around, going, I miss Grace Harvey Rubin. And at first you were laughing, and then you were... met Grace Harry Rupert.

And at first you were laughing and then you were... You gave me chills. Yes. Because everybody else does Groucho. Yes, I need to get a full man. And they don't get it. See, I can't do the young Groucho anymore. It's that soft voice, old

Groucho, just velvet soft voice, yeah. And I, Margaret so much, worked That soft voice, old Groucho, just velvet soft voice, yeah. And Margaret Zoumatt worked with us in some of those movies. And she was always, she never understood what I was talking about. You're making me cry. Because she would say, Julie, what does that joke mean? And she never understood. And then she'd go, the joke meant... I remember sitting there when he said that.

I also noticed another thing sitting next to Groucho. He was surprised by things he said. I mean by that, he heard them as we did. He didn't think I'm going to say this. You said something and he said thing. And then he'd give a little laugh like, hey, that wasn't bad. Oh, wow. Yes, yes.

And you've had it yourself. You've said something and thought, geez, that was good. I didn't even have to think of it. Oh, yes, yes. Very true in Groucho, even as he got older. One day, do you dare me to tell you a Groucho story you may never have heard? Absolutely. Love it.

Absolutely. One day, he and Tony Randall were in their tuxedos backstage, I think at the music hall for some big special, and they were asked to step aside back there in the hall while they brought some scenery through or something. Would you two gentlemen just go into that room? And they went into a room, and the room was a dressing room. And suddenly from the other end, it filled with chorus girls who stripped mother naked and got into some jungle costume as Groucho and Randall stood there in their tuxedos. You see Groucho holding his cigar and saying to Randall, you know, you don't get this in the pants business. Good stuff.

I think what any other comedian might have said it wouldn't have been that is it true that when you introduced him uh at the uh some of his comeback shows that you actually walked out on stage and said I can't believe that I know Groucho Marx yeah I people get sick of my saying that kind of thing, and I was a starstruck boy from Omaha. Jesus, I must be drunk. Lincoln. I'll tell you why I thought Omaha, because I would go over there sometimes to see

things that didn't play Lincoln, like Spike Jonze. So you don't remember where you were born? Here's the state right. I've never known for sure. This is strange, but almost like, how can you explain this, boys and girls? Okay.

Here's a man who grew up in Lincoln, Nebraska, Grand Island, Lincoln, Nebraska. And before he went east to school, in Lincoln, Nebraska, he had met Dane Clark, Basil Rathbone, Charles Lawton, Agnes Moorhead, Charles Boyer, Cedric. I was corrected on that by Stephen Fry. Cedric Hardwick, Henry Fonda and somebody else. Oh, you know something?

I remembered a Cedric Hardwick story. Shoot. Sir Cedric Hardwick. Sir Cedric Hardwick. To you, buddy. He was Sir Cedric Hardwick. He was in Ghost of Frankenstein. That's right.

Was my favorite. I had heard he had trouble with impotence. I think it came quite easily to him. We ought to be on the radio. He had a problem with impotence. And he used to introduce himself as Sir Seldom Hardick. My God, you have collector's items like that? To Cedric Aldrich.

To Cedric Aldrich. I met him once in the doorway of the Algonquin. And it was freezing cold. And I thought thought I got to say something to him. We were coming in opposite directions and holding the door for each other, and I said, this weather's not too good for the voice, I guess. I was always, I could connect with him. Should I do his answer for you? Oh, please.

Not too good. I think I confused Cedric Hardwick with Cyril Richard. They would both hate you. Fair enough. One was a foot and a half taller than the other and gay as a fruitcake. as a fruitcake. So, the Cardwell son was Watson

on the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes. he wasn't the first Watson. I think he was the second Watson. Well, the Jeremy Brett one.

Oh. Yeah. See, I was just... Edward Hardwick. Yeah. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast after this.

I think there was a story that Ralph Bellamy would tell that they were doing one of the Frankenstein movies, and the director gave them this direction like, Frankenstein is chasing you and the Wolfman is coming through the window and Dracula is coming out. And we want you to react like you're fed up. Fed up. Yeah. And that used to be their greeting to each other.

From then on, Ralph Bellamy would see Cedric Hardwick and they'd both go, so, you fed up yet? I loved little bits like that. Why don't you do a book of this fabulous collection of jewels that you have stored in your head like a toad? Yeah, why am I wasting time talking to you when I should be doing this book? If I were you, I'd turn on some sort of recording device. That's an idea.

We didn't think about that. But I remember when I was following you around with the Groucho thing, you then eventually. I had to swat you away. Yes, and you eventually ran into an elevator, and I wasn't able to stop the elevator in time, so I called your room. And the hotel. You don't really want to tell this, do you called your room. And the hotel.

You don't really want to tell this, do you? Yes, yes. Go ahead. Okay. No, and then I just, oh, tell us about, you used to write for Jerry Lewis. Yes. You know how Jerry would come on and go, I wrote that. That was yours?

Yeah, that was mine. It's the only one he ever used. And that Hindenburg of a show that he did, which was one of the most expensive catastrophes. One that was like three hours long? It was two hours long live. Totally unscripted, allegedly. Yeah, what's he going to do for two hours

was the motto they flooded the country with for about a year. And I liked Jerry very much then and now. But it was a load that he should not have taken on, and it was not possible, and he would get depressed. And when his dad came around, and I don't know. Did you leave The Tonight Show, Dick, to go to that show? You might have, too, because. Did you leave the Tonight Show, Dick, to go to that show? You might have too because I made 360 on the Tonight Show.

Jerry did it for two weeks, liked me, wanted me on his big new show and I wanted to be faithful to Johnny because we're both from Nebraska. And for other reasons, I liked him so much.

But yeah, I went to my manager's office and I heard the late Charles Jaffe talking to the Jerry Lewis ABC show saying, my client doesn't work for $800 a week. And I said, get him back. It's true, I work for 360. Come on. And he got $1,200 a week.

Imagine a boy who had been a copy boy at the time a few years earlier at $60 a week getting $1,200 a week with Jerry. But there was a lot of good stuff in those shows. And to my amazement, they have just come out on a box set of all those shows. they've just come out on a box set of all those shows. Kennedy was shot near the end of the abbreviated run, and after that, I think about three more shows sort of dribbled out, and then he quit. But I had a good time writing for him. I didn't hate Hollywood the way you're supposed to.

I would now, I'm sure, but I liked having an apartment in Bel Air. I liked seeing Johnny Weissmuller as my neighbor. And I liked going to Paramount and sitting on the old Western set and then the New York set and then the Standing Street. That's where they did that show, Paramount lot? Yeah. And I heard Johnny Weissmuller, to anyone listening who doesn't, was Tarzan.

Yeah. And I heard toward the end he had gotten like Alzheimer's and would be in a home doing the Tarzan yell. That's sad. It's true. It was sad when I knew him. I lived in one of those one of the million rectangular apartment two-story high buildings with a pool in the middle that you have out there.

And one day here came Tarzan. A little pudgy with his hair a little long. Actually, I didn't see him first. I heard him. I was just going to swim, and I heard, You're going to hit it?

And you know he had a high voice. And here he was carrying a very heavy suitcase, a smaller suitcase, and a six-foot by four-foot portrait of himself. No, I'll tell a lie. A photograph. Full length Tarzan. And he said, I'm moving in here

because my apartment, my house is being painted. An excuse in Hollywood when the IRS had gotten you and you moved into an apartment and told people your house is being painted. The sad part is he was on the second floor, and he was winded having climbed one set of stairs,

and I helped Tarzan take the stairs. Wow. And if you'd told me when I'm Grand Island at the Grand Theater where I was first molested, I would, watching Tarzan and Mia's mother on the screen, I would carry a suitcase someday I wouldn't have been able to conceive of it. Now, I heard Jerry Lewis basically is the nutty professor. It's like one minute he's a nice, funny guy, and the next minute

he could turn, like, totally evil on you. He never turned evil on me. This is not to deny all the people who say that, but I didn't see it. And, oh my God, look, listen. I'm getting a call on my phone. I mean, don't cut this. Look. Listen. I'm getting a call on my phone.

I mean, don't cut this. Richard Lou's airs. Yeah, I'm not doing anything but a live show with. Yes. This is the Gottfried show. I'm sorry about the laughter. They're going to jump. The car is there

I was just going to ask him to do his bird quook I'm sorry repeat what time it arrives Okay tell him I'll need 15 minutes Beyond that Okay thank you He's having too much fun Deposit your dime again remember when you deposited oh yes whose great joke was it no i don't remember but i always remember when i would be on a pay

phone and i'd hang up it would ring back and say you owe like 25 and nobody would pay that it was idiotic yeah was it in Mike Nichols and was it Nichols and May's great phone thing or some other comic I think it might been some other comic and maybe Shelly Berman who got to that point in his bit

and he said voice said you must deposit 15 cents and he said well I can't but I'll take your name and address. I hope that's true. Yeah, that used to be on those pay phones. They would call you back, and you'd have to pay. But then they realized that was so stupid. No one would ever pay.

What would you do? Would you just say, okay, here it comes? Yes, yes. I would always hang up and walk off with the phone ringing back. Or say, oh, good. Frank Nelson. A little Frank Nelson. Oh, tell us the Jack Benny story.

All right, but would it be more appropriate to tell a quick Frank Nelson story? Oh, okay. Frank Nelson was... Well, set up who Frank Nelson was. This will strike you as improbable. I promise. Okay, so... I don't know whose voice to do it in, so...

I'll do it in mine instead of Jack Warden. I don't know whose voice to do it in, so I'll do it in mine instead of Jack Ward. Let's say I'm sitting with Streisand in the Kennedy Center in Washington. Of course, that Kennedy Center, not the one in Broken Bow, Nebraska. And the theater has emptied. It's an NBC special, but it's lunch. Everybody's gone, so an overheard shot shows the two of us occupying only two seats, and a gopher comes over to those unskilled in showbiz jargon, a young kid who runs errands on a show. Kid in jeans, loafers, T-shirt,

comes over, very polite, said, Mr. Dyson, do you want some coffee? And she said, yes, sugar and cream. Do you like coffee, Mr. Cabot? Now, I think it's the fact that he phrased it that way. But anyway, do you like coffee, Mr. Cabot? Oh, do I? And then he looked sort of startled, of course. And I said, I I got to explain quickly.

There was a thing called The Jack Benny Show, long before your time. And there was this very funny character actor on it whose name was Frank Nelson. And he said, I know, he's my father. Oh, my God. Cue the theremin music of the Twilight Zone. I almost passed out. Now, skeptics have said, well, how do you know he was? Sure.

Well, he was. He talked about his dad. He said the one thing his dad hated the most, and don't be offended by this from something we said earlier, was being mistaken for Gail Gordonordon on the lucy yes they both did the same thing yeah yeah wavy duck hair a little mustache and always like that and a little fruity and they're oh yes um i found an old life magazine recently, and there's Frank Nelson on it, and all it says is, Yes!

He had the whole country. Frank Nelson was on the cover of Life magazine. A full cover of Life magazine back in the heyday of the Benny show. Gee, it's fun to watch those old Benny shows now. Yes. When you were on the Joy Behar show, Dick, and you were a guest when we first met, and you told this wonderful Benny story about meeting the fans, the out-of-towners in the elevator?

Oh, yes. They're here to favor us? The special on HBO called Mel Brooks and Dick Cavett Together Again. I think I got the biggest laugh with that of anything I did that night. It's a sweet story. Jack Benny, and a harmless story.

Jack Benny being maybe the, certainly one of the cleanest comics I've ever worked in radio and vaudeville and on. And lovely, and I don't know anybody in show business who disliked Jack Benny, and you can't say that about very many of our beloved colleagues. Everybody liked him.

I hung out because I was in hog heaven once I got the par job. I stayed at the tapings. I hung out with Bob Hope and Benny and all the comics, Burl, whoever it was. I was around them. They were my people. I had made it. I had gotten to their world. And I was in the dressing room talking to Mr. Benny one day,

and he ordered a glass of scotch, drank two inches of it, and walked out on stage. This is a separate story, but to me that was astounding, the most relaxed man. Anyway, that night, after the show, got in the elevator. So did some tourists who weren't supposed to get in that elevator. And in the seven

floors, and this will test your age, in the seven floors down to the main floor, one person said, are you really cheap? Another one said, do you really play the violin? Are you old enough to know these references? Oh, yes.

Do you not really pay Rochester, another one said. And he's such a nice man, and he'd smile and nod. Is it really a guy living under your house in a vault-type thing? Did you really drive a Maxwell? I mean, or is that just a joke? And he endured all this nicely. I was just so impressed. Got to the main floor.

Everybody rushed off to tell their friends. I said, Mr. Benny, does that get kind of old? I mean, over the years and all that. And he put his hand on my shoulder. He said, you know, kid, sometimes you just want to tell them to go fuck themselves. That's gold.

I loved it. That's great. I loved it. It's great. The voice that came out of my radio. Oh, God. I would trade a lot for that experience. Well, how do we get off on a laugh? Two bald guys put their heads together and made an ass of themselves. Well, do you...

What if we fired some names at you, and you just gave us a little short response? Okay, well, you keep tracking my time. Absolutely. I'm ruining your lives. Our staff, our crack staff is keeping track. Alfred Hitchcock. During a commercial break, sort of not looking at me directly, Great Kelly, the most promiscuous woman I've ever known.

That's one Hitchcock story. That'll do. He was just great. He was such fun. Hitchcock story. That'll do. He was just great. He was such fun. He did the bit. Marshall Brickman was working for me and I think he was the one

who had the idea of have our two profiles at the beginning of the show in shadow. Hitchcock's in mine. Marshall Brickman who went on to co-write Annie Hall.

That's right. Famously. And Jersey Boys too. That's right. What about Salvador Dali? Oh, wait a minute. I get you. Okay, but one quick thing with Hitchcock. Oh, too. That's right. What about Salvador Dali? Oh, wait a minute. I get you. Okay, but one quick thing with Hitchcock.

Oh, sure. He said, I know the man to my right does him better than I do, but shall we reveal the secret of doing Hitchcock that you, I think Larry Storch told this one, all you have to do to do Hitchcock is to raise your voice slightly and pretend you've got a bit of meat stuck in your rear right top molar tooth. Which gives you, I wanted to do a movie once in which it's an assembly line and there's a frame of an automobile. and there's a frame of an automobile. And then they add the fenders and it moves along and they add the doors and that moves along

and they add the windows and then they add the top and then they add the trunk and then it is a completed automobile and you open the door and a dead body falls out. That was a fantasy of a movie he wanted to do. He also announced that he had never, ever, right up to that day, looked through a camera. I'm not sure exactly what that means,

except he was famous for, like, cartoon strips working out the entire movie in every shot on paper, drawing the figures and the dialogue, and he said making it was just sort of dreary after that now what about groucho's girlfriend or secretary toward the end that's a terribly long story best told by my friend steve stollar in a book called Raised Eyebrows. A young woman, vivaciously pretty at first, attached herself to Groucho, and there are two schools of thought, and they are she saved his life, brought him back to life.

He was a lonely old man taking walks, trying to talk to strangers because he had no... and he'd walk past a neighbor's house hoping to be invited into dinner. And Aaron Fleming, her real name was Aaron Fleming, came in to his life and got him to do concerts, got him to Carnegie Hall,

and was also an abusive psychotic. That's in a nutshell. Yeah, that's the nicest thing I could say. I got along with Aaron fine. Some will remember a trial on CNN

about the money. There was a scene, she got in a fight with a guard about her purse. She wasn't going to give it up. She said, that man killed Groucho marx pointing at the judge and she was losing her mind by then and it was a very sad and long story and she later shot herself um i'm surprised no one's made a movie either based on that not not a groucho Aaron movie, but something. Raised eyebrows. Oh, and before we forget,

someone died. I was talking with Frank about it. Someone died on your show. Yeah, that's... I think I'm the only... If there's a Guinness Book of Records, the entry for having a guest die is probably occupied only by me

during a taping. J.I. Rodale. Who would the gods have die on a show but a health expert? That's a long story and I can refer you to my book. It's in here. Yeah, talk show.

That's like a galley copy. Yeah, it's a galley copy. Rare collector's item. And it was totally, totally. And Pete Hamill was on there with you, was he not? Pete Hamill was sitting there and got the column of his year, at least, the next day as the men perished in front of the audience. How did it happen? Heart attack.

You know, but I mean... Oh, he was very funny for half an hour. In his segment, I made a mental note to have him back. And he sat down on the couch, and Hamill came out, and suddenly I heard... And Hamill, forgetting or not realizing he was in close-up at the moment as it happened,

said, this looks bad. And I looked over and there was Mr. Rodale in the death rattle. And years later, Catherine Hepburn wanted to hear everything about that. When I first met her, her dad was a doctor, and she always gave medicine to people she worked with. And I said, why do you suppose I found myself at the edge of the stage saying, is there a doctor in the audience? And she said, well, you know that.

There's a doctor in the house who would get a laugh. And she was right, and it would have. And the audience didn't think it was real because there's makeup and band and entertainment. You don't die in that situation. That was horrible. And all of us forgot that... All of us forgot until a week later

when we watched the ghastly tape that he had said, among other things, I plan to live to be 100. You tell your creative writing student, take that out. And I never felt better in my life. The worst thing you can ever hear from anybody, including yourself. What about Olivier? What's your memory?

He was just fine. He's a nice guy. Hell of a tap dancer. I have borrowed a Mel book answer about, did you know Hitler? Do you want to know if it may never have been revealed? Olivier was great, of course. It's never been revealed.

But I know, if Mel may not, why he came up with the phrase springtime for Hitler. When we were improvising the notorious Ballantyne beer commercials years ago, he was the 2,500-year-old brewmaster, and I was the young interviewer. Sir, have you, you know. They couldn't get Carl, and they got me. I was totally unknown. It was great fun, the most fun I ever had.

Mel improvised for three, four hours at a time. And there was a play that the great Edward Everett Horton started doing when he was about 30 called Springtime for Henry. And he was still doing it when he was 60 and 70. That's where it came from, huh? Springtime for Henry. And I just still doing it when he was 60 and 70. Wow. That's where it came from, huh? Springtime for, and I just know, you know, how Mel's mind would be.

He would take part of the thing and put it together or something else. And I'd say, what are you going to call the thing? And he'd say, let's call it Springtime for Hitler. I know that's where it came from. I don't know if Mel knows that. But I hope so. But I'll tell him. Here's a cliche. You've never tasted this beer, have you, sir? I can say but I'll tell him here's a cliche

you've never tasted this beer have you sir I can say anything I wanted to I don't think you've ever tasted valentine beer taste some now well alright fluffy let's see I shall pour some into my

swizzle or mouth mmm oh do you like it sir my tongue just Or some into my swizzle or mouth. Mmm. Mmm. Oh, do you like it, sir? My tongue just threw a party for my mouth. Are those available anywhere, Dick? Can anybody find those on the internet? You have them? I have a couple of DVDs of them.

I don't know. People wrote in, loved those commercials so. It'd be great to see. And said, what can we do to keep them on? The beer is like piss and we can't drink it. But I bought two six-packs hoping it will help keep your commercials on. They wrote to the editor. I'd love to see them.

Oh, another one we wanted to ask you about because he just died recently and that's Sid Caesar. Yeah. Because he just died recently, and that's Sid Caesar. Yeah. I say yeah because one of the reasons I'm late going home now is I owe the Times a piece on Sid. I got to call him Sid after a while. And I think I'll tip the title. I think I'm going to call it, It Was Like Looking at a God,

when I first saw him. I sat in church in Nebraska all through high school, bored my ass off to sit in church, and all I could ever think of on Sunday was show of shows the night before and things that said in Imogene, Coca, not Coco, you idiot, did.

And one day I thought, now there's a man sitting down there about his size. Could Sid Caesar physically be sitting in the same room or place that I am? No. He's a god off somewhere in New York, I believe they call it. And eventually I met him, and eventually I had him on shows.

And my last contact with him was Mel Brooks, of course, called and said, would you write a little thing about Sid? We're going to have a birthday party for him this last year. Carl and everybody, we'll go to his house and we'll read these things. I wrote something and I heard that they read it to him, all the things that people had written. It couldn't be there. And it was sad and he was just a shell of himself was left and the next day he had forgotten the party. The gods disliked him intensely. He suffered so.

there was never anybody like him in any way. The most lavishly gifted comedian probably of my time now people could say excuse me was he funnier than johnny winters that's a dumb question how do you compare great great great comedians you know is yellow a better color than green? He certainly had a shitload of physical and mental and verbal gifts that was unprecedented. A little awkward in conversation. I just watched two shows he was on with other guests of mine for writing this. And then years later I was on CNBC and I did two half hours with Sid in Hawaii. I don't know, Atlantic City. He must have been in a great period of his life,

maybe off the booze, maybe analysis was finally working for him. And he was the best talker you can imagine. For three hours, you almost want to say you couldn't shut him up. He was so damn interesting. He talked about everything. I said, could you do a show of shows now? He said, no, there are no skilled stagehands now who've done live television enough. Stuff like that.

It was just technical interesting. And he was so happy with himself that these two half hours went so well. And at the end of the second one, he went, what a great interview! Not on camera. I mean, it was over by that time. But I was so happy that I somehow had made him happy

or comfortable or something in a way that he obviously had never been before. And I treasure those two half hours. What a man. I guess I have to get out of here now. Oh, did you know I was going to do a play off Broadway? Oh, tell us anything you have to talk.

Yeah, it's a great thing, event that got very ugly. It happened on my PBS show when the great writer mary mccarthy was on and talked about the great writer lillian hellman in a way that caused lillian hellman to sue her and it went on the case went on for years uh to most intelligent people l Lillian, ruined her reputation by pursuing this suit, this great advocate

of free speech over the years, and her hatred of McCarthy and the viciousness of the lawsuit. A play was written by Nora Ephron about it. And a gentleman by the last name of Maury wrote a splendid new play on the same subject. And I read it with him one night. And somebody said, why don't you do the play with us? So I guess I will. It's at the Abingdon Theater. It'll be at the Abingdon theater from mid March to mid February

to mid March about four or five weeks and who do you play why do I get all the rotten parts I was myself in four or five movies and myself on the odd couple and myself on the I don't know what all

um oh Forrest Gump that's right on the, I don't know what all. Oh, Forrest Gump. That's right, and Apollo 13. And Apollo 13. Am I in that too? Yes, you're in it, in the clip. Yeah, and a Frankenheimer movie. Can't they get anyone else to do me?

Well, Beetlejuice, at least I was allegedly somewhere else. That's right. That's right. But this will be at the Abingdon Theatre, and you can Google it, and it's called Hellman versus McCarthy. And boy, did it get dirty. Two women loathing each other. And part of it is the fraud that Lillian Hellman was toward the end.

Martha Gellhorn, who'd been one of the women married to Ernest Hemingway, did an exhaustive piece about, remember Julia, the novel and the movie where Jane Fonda played Lillian Hellman? And the woman that story really happened to came forth saying it was not Lily Nelman, it was me. Oh, it's just full of interesting, fascinating stuff. Your sort of thing.

The serious side of you that we see so often. Will Richard Liu be mentioned at any point? I'll probably work Richard Lou in. You should. Jesus, I've got to get out of here, you guys. Can I come back sometime? Please do. Absolutely.

In fact, you have no say in the matter. You have to come back. Okay. How's later tonight? You'll sleep over. How's later tonight? Oh, yeah. You'll sleep over.

I'm Gilbert Gottfried with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. Frank goes for it. And we've been speaking to... He'll get it eventually. Say your name, Frank Santopadre. Santopadre. By about the seventh show, I figured he was going to nail it down. Yeah, one day, but there won't be a seventh show I assure you

Is that Pinto Padre spelled the usual way? Yes And we've been We've been speaking To Dick Cavett And this is the amazing Colossal podcast Thank you Dick

And Dick you have to come back Anytime you can And this is the amazing Colossal podcast Thank you Dick It's been a treat And Dick You have to come back Anytime you can Can I get a copy of this To my lawyer Before it goes out Thanks Dick

It's a treat