Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 106. Dick Cavett LIVE @ 2016 NYC Podfest

Episode Date: June 6, 2016

Gilbert and Frank return to the NYC Podfest for a return engagement with their very first guest, legendary talk show host, comic and author Dick Cavett. In a lively (and LIVE) interview, Dick holds court on a host of topics, including World War II propaganda, John Cassavetes' boozing, the lost "Tonight Show" episodes and the rapier wit of Pat McCormick. Also, Dick chats up Zeppo (and Gummo!), Groucho proposes to Truman Capote, Jack Benny gets the last word and a young Dick meets his idol, Bob Hope. PLUS: Robert Q. Lewis! Claude Rains trivia! Remembering Sig Ruman! Gilbert and Dick share a milkshake! And George Jessel weighs in on Uncle Miltie's manhood! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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19 and over and physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See casino.draftkings.com for details. Please play responsibly. I said, are you ready to get the show started? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Gilbert Godfrey's Amazing Colossal Podcast! Thank you.

Are these on? Progress. You want to start, maestro? Okay. Hi. Before you start, I just want to thank everybody for hanging around upstairs and being so patient in the heat. What the hell? I'm quickly going to thank people. Sorry. We do this with every live episode. It takes hell? I'm quickly going to thank people. Sorry.

We do this with every live episode. It takes a lot of people to put this show on. Sean Marrick is here, flew in from L.A., our West Coast producer. Jessica Wynn, our photographer, is here. Maria Sperdolosi. How do I do, Maria? Paul Rayburn, our researcher. John Fodiatis, Renaissance man, theme song composer.

Gino Salamone is here, our guru. Brendan Bliss, very talented animator. The great Joe McGinty is in the house, our guest keyboardist. Also, we want to thank Jeremy Wien and Andrea Simmons of the Podfest. Mike McPadden, Darren Foster, John Seals, Frank Verterosa, my very patient wife, Genevieve, and last but not least, my partner in crime, Darren Gottfried. And now, sorry about that. You have to thank the people.

Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. And this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. I'm here once again with my co-host Frank Santopadre. And we are recording at Cake Shop in New York City. Our guest this week is a comedian, actor, author, comedy writer, and one of the most popular and admired talk show hosts in television history. In his six-year career, he's appeared on dozens of TV... Six Decade.

Sorry. He's been around longer than six years. I stopped listening to him after six years. Yeah. I stopped listening to him after six years. Yeah. Okay, it's six decades. Or maybe it was six years, but it just felt like six decades.

He's appeared on dozens of TV shows, including The Odd Couple, Cheers, The Simpsons, acted in movies like Annie Hall and Beetlejuice, and worked alongside legendary performers Woody Allen, Jack Parr on Cavett, Talk Show, and his latest book, Brief Encounters, Conversations, Magic Moments, and Assorted Hijinks. But he's best known to generations of TV viewers as the host of several memorable talk shows featuring interviews with a who's who of entertainment icons, including Katharine Hepburn, Orson Welles, John Lennon, Marlon Brando, Janis Joplin, Alfred Hitchcock, and his personal hero, Groucho Marx. And as far as we know, he's the only talk show host in history to have a guest drop dead live on the air. Please welcome back to the show our very first podcast guest and a national treasure, Dick Cabot. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What a thrill. I got a two-person standing ovation. Wow. Hey, back there, I thought I heard you say something about my six-minute career. Yes. Well, that's what I was hoping it was.

Yes. Yeah. So what's yours, a six-syllable? It's finally someone made Gilbert laugh. I think that's it. We're old buddies in this crazy business of ours. Should I tell them the shocking secret now? Oh, sure.

We're related. Yeah. Really? His father and my father had different wives. I don't know what I'm talking about. Where did you meet? Didn't you follow him around at an event? Yes.

Yeah, but what was it? Where did you meet? Didn't you follow him around at an event? Yes, yes. Yeah, but what was it? There was a place where you showed me where you could get a free chocolate milk. Oh, well, I knew you before then. Yeah, but where was we meeting? I remember at Caroline's, I showed you where we could get like a chocolate malty. Yeah. I showed you where we could get like a chocolate malted. Yeah.

And we were both standing there with two giant glasses of chocolate malted. And I remember Bob Saget walked in and said, are you two about to be executed? We may get that tonight. Now, where I did follow you around, you used to have on Groucho Marx all the time. Yeah, all the time. He got off one night. And I remember I followed you around doing my Groucho imitation. He can drive me up the next room's wall with his...

Here, I've even prepared... Wow, he brought a prop. Look at this. He brought a prop. Oh, come on, Gilbert, do it. Oh, God. You know, whenever people ask me why they shouldn't smoke, I always say, visit my friend Nunnally Johnson. This is the elder Groucho.

Nunnally Johnson. This is the elder grouch. Not only Johnson. You know, I wasn't supposed to be in Love Happy, but we did it because Chico needed the money. There we go. Perfect. Ever since songwriters started writing songs, they have written songs about the rose.

Red roses, blue roses, old roses, new roses, roses from the northeast. South and west. But here's a rose song that I love the best. I hope he's watching somewhere. But here's a rose song that I love the best. I hope he's watching somewhere. Show me a rose and I'll show you a girl who cares. Show me a rose or leave me alone. Show me a rose and I'll show you a hashtag at break.

You know, he doesn't get a prop out for anybody, Dick. No, no. A little more Curtis Lee-wah than Groucho. Yeah. We'll allow it. Well, that sort of put me away. It was an interesting thing, if it's not a bad idea to talk semi-seriously for a second.

The one time I was sitting there, one of many times, but he was here, I was here, the audience is out there, and somebody said something, maybe I did, and he did a brilliant ad lib that just brought the house down but what i noticed was he was surprised by it too do you know what i'm trying to say it wasn't he thought i'll say this boom it was if the word needed was garbage what do you think they brought in? I said, garbage? He didn't laugh.

Everybody did. That was the other buddy. But I'm fascinated with the fact that his witty remarks were a reflex, not a thought and then a joke. That's quieted the place pretty much. Well, this has been Dick Cavill. Well, all right. This is the end of his six-year career.

It was a little like that. But, you know, if you want me out of here, do your Groucho again. So he was surprised by his own ad lib, Groucho. He was surprised by his own ad lib, yes. That's a better way of putting it. I remember how Wilcox. Is he still doing it? As long as we're talking about Groucho,

44 years ago this month, what happened? You introduced Groucho at Carnegie Hall. 44 years? Yeah, it was May of 1972. Do I have the math right? So it has been longer than six years. Yeah. Yeah, it was May of 1972. Do I have the math right? So it has been longer than six years. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I must have been in the business then to do that. And you were anxious that night, weren't you? I was anxious in that I thought he might die. He was very feeble that night. And he wasn't always, but he seemed just innervated. He was lying on the couch in the dressing room. And I thought, is this going to be like some awful thing out of the Blue Angel or something? And the wretched Erin Fleming, I mean, the lovely Erin Fleming.

How could I say that? Would not cancel because she wanted to be on stage at Carnegie Hall. And he came alive, luckily. But the most touching thing about that night was it was sold out, of course, Carnegie Hall. It was at the peak of the Brothers' fame and being worshipped on every campus. You went to a Marx Festival. There were lines around the block who didn't get in.

And on this night at Carnegie Hall, this was in the time of Vietnam and all that stuff, these very nice kids of that time came dressed, at least a dozen or 20 of them, as Groucho or Chico, one Harpo and no Zeppos.

No Zeppos. No gummos. Well, Groucho said with Zeppo, our act was worth a million dollars and without him, it was worth two million. Not bad. Didn't you have a chance to interview Zeppo when you didn't get him

because the network didn't want to pay the three grand? How do you know shit like this? Ah, you know, Dick. I put a lot of time in, buddy. That's exactly what it... No, no, actually, it was less legal than that. We were going to pay him this double scale. That's still within the law, I guess.

But he wanted $5,000. He was wonderful to talk to on the phone, and he said, you know, I'm happy here. I've got my boat, I guess. But he wanted $5,000. He was wonderful to talk to on the phone. And he said, you know, I'm happy here. I've got my boat. I'm in Vegas. And why would I need to come to town? But he said, you know, I've got stories that nobody has. And none of us will ever hear them because somebody didn't want to pay the five grand.

Now I wish I kicked myself. I talked to Gummo. How. Now I wish I kicked myself. I talked to Gummo. How many people can say that? Wow. On the phone from my office at the Tonight Show, Jack Park. And I thought Groucho didn't seem that kind of person who would put me on like this, because it was absolutely Groucho's voice.

And yet it was Gummo. Now why, if two boys out of five would have the same voice? I don't know. Groucho's mother called him Der Dunkle. They spoke a lot of German around the house. The Dark One. She didn't like him very much. He read a lot, which is, of course, suspicious always.

Especially among Trump voters. But... Oh, look at the people leaving. And he was alone a lot. They played games, played baseball and stuff. But he would be in reading Spengler or something at an early age. And I asked about his mother once, and Harpo, I don't know why, I just sort of guessed, would Harpo be her favorite?

He said, in a way, he was. And you know, Harpo inherited all my mother's good qualities. Everybody loved Harpo inherited all my mother's good qualities. Everybody loved Harpo. And that's why we say, when you're smiling... Well, I can quiet a room. You know, I was in the audience at Carnegie Hall. Were you there? You never told me that.

Yeah. That's great. I waved to you. Was that you? I was eight, maybe. In 72? that. Yeah. It's great. I waved to you. Was that you? I was eight, maybe. In 72? Yeah. Wow.

With Marvin Hamlisch and the whole thing. Oh, yeah, that's right. My wife said, don't tell Gilbert all things you've told him before. But I don't remember anything I've told you before. But the other day, I realized, here's a Groucho moment that I had completely forgotten. It's quick. Way back in whatever. Oh, I know.

It was a large book from a premier party. And the man had written the book about the Rothschilds. I remember it was out like 30, 40 years ago. And Phyllis Newman, it was, brought him over to me and Groucho, where we were standing, and she said, Groucho, I want you to meet Philip or whatever. He wrote the Rothschilds, and Groucho said, did they answer? It's good.

Why didn't we think of that? So what were your dealings with Aaron Fleming, the woman? Does everybody know who Aaron Fleming was? She's the mixed blessing who came into Groucho's life at a time when he felt forgotten and was somewhat, and lonely, and would walk his dog, hoping the neighbors would invite him in

for dinner and things, and talk to strangers on the street for somebody to talk to. And then Aaron, an actress, Canadian, rather vivacious looking in her prime, latched on like a lamprey to groucho and um one of the lamprey girls

and it was it was wonderful and awful um but she is the reason there was a carnegie hall concert she got him out of bed and sitting around depressed during the day and got him on stage and brought him a long way back toward life she was also a druggie and a bitch and had a few bad qualities as well so had a few bad qualities as well. But you know, if you want to, you can, I'm pretty sure Google

on YouTube, a show where Groucho came on my show with Aaron Fleming. Oh yeah, it's up there. And you can see that she's, as ad agency weirds used to say a tad mad. And friend of ours, Steve Stolyar has written a book called Raised Eyebrows. How's it go? My my two years inside Groucho's house, Groucho, and he met at a college event at UCLA, I think, and Groucho took a shine to him and said

Steve obviously knew everything about the brothers. And so he got to work in Groucho's house for two years and he wrote a really readable, good account of that called Raised Eyebrows. And we've had Steve on the show. Yeah, I heard you had a great time. It's a great read for Groucho.

The two of these guys did the most famous movie stars. They both do voices. Genius. I hear you did Shepard Strudwick. You do Shepard Strudwick? And Ian Wolfe?

I open with that. I'll tell you what. Oh, God, you knocked me out the first time I ever saw you. I didn't know what I was getting in for. A friend of mine had seen you. He took you out of the club. And the highlight for me was you did a faultless Claude Rains. Come on, Gil, let's hear your Claude Rains.

Oh, you can't force a guy to do it. Let me hear your Claude Rains. People are on... Oh, you can't force a guy to do it. Let me do my Claude Rains. Oh, go ahead, go ahead. So you can see how good his is. Let me think of a line from Claude Rains. Oh, um... Oh, no, no, no. You've stolen my concerto.

Something like that. I'm sorry. And now the real Claude Rains, man. That funny little hat. I always liked it on you. Remember what movie that's from? The Greatest Story Ever Told? No, The Invisible Man.

Oh, yes, it is. Wow. Hey, I've got a Claude Rains trivia question. Should I do it? Oh, oh. I owe power to make the world gruffle at my feet. It's a little Sydney Green Street. There was some.

Yeah. Claude Rains was short. I didn't mean to say that around here, but he was short. He hated being short. Peter Dinklage, also. Yeah. He and Claude Rains together make Ray Moland. Or something.

I love Peter Dinklage. Even if he's here. Not a chance. Were you going to say stand up, admit it? Wait, no. You told a story when you were a kid in Nebraska and your mother called you into the house to listen. That happened twice.

No, it was to listen to the radio. Yeah, this will date me. Please, someone will thank you. How do you make the I surrender gesture? This will date you. I've never heard anybody joke on that. Anyway. Yeah, you will be able to guess the year

and among my next 12 words, I want you kids to come inside and listen to the radio. You'll understand this someday. The Japs have bombed Pearl Harbor and gotten us into the war. And we were little kids. I thought, who are the Japs? Who is Pearl Harbor?

Because there was a Pearl Wilson living next door. And what is the war? The war, what? I hadn't seen duck soup yet. I didn't know what to make of this. Sunday, interrupting a concert. And the next five years were us and the Japs. I'm sorry to the Japs sitting here.

And you said your mother said it was going to be bad. Oh, actually, that was either my aunt or my mother, who were teachers. And one of them said, when this is starting now, the kids in junior high now are going to get the worst of this. And it was totally accurate. Many of them were killed. Hard to remember.

I think people say this can't be true. Describing, you're not old enough to remember this, describing propaganda posters that were in the post office. Slap a Jap for that. And the illustration would be japanese figures because you knew by their face that they had round glasses and buck teeth the size of dominoes and they were had rat bodies and they were coming out of a sewer and there were that was typical there are many many along with this loose lip sync ships but i remember james agee

in an essay at the time uh said i sometimes wonder what the effect of this racism will be when will we pay for it when the war is over and so on and so on kind of astute comment for the time james agee what did he write? A Death in the Family. A Death in the Family. He wrote another essay. On a screenplay. Night of the Hunter.

Was that Agee? I wish I'd known him. He said about Groucho, I sometimes worry if everyone in the audience gets his weirdest curves. Meaning they're too complex in some ways. This isn't the starkest example. And slap me if I've told it to you before.

I don't need a reason to slap you. I don't need to reason this life. Shall I go on or what? You're sitting over the alligator pit. Boom. What was I talking about? Can I ask you something that Steve Stollier sent us? Yeah, but it'll drive me crazy that you asked me just before I started.

We're curved. Thank you, my dear. I'd marry you, whoever you are. Thank you, Martha. I was in a car, Beverly Hills, had dinner with the two gentlemen about name. One was Julius H. Marks, better known to you as Groucho and the great Harry Ruby

if you can ever see a rerun of one of Groucho's You Bet Your Life with Harry Ruby very sad face great songwriter, you know, three little words almost every song you can think of one of the most lovable, funny dry, great man but anyway, I thought, I wish to hell I weren't driving this car

and had a tape recorder, because they were chatting, two great old-time legends. We stopped at a light, I think maybe on Sunset, and I heard Groucho say, that building there, that's where your son lives, Harry. And Harry Ruby said, no, he doesn't, Groucho. He said, yeah, that building right on the corner, that's where your son lives, Harry. And Harry Ruby said, no, he doesn't, Groucho. He said, yeah, that building right on the corner, that's where your son lives.

And he said, my son does not live there, Groucho. He lives way over on Wiltshire. Here comes the weird curve. And Groucho said, well, that's funny. I ran into him last week, and he never mentioned not living there. That's weird. I like that.

You never met Chico. No, I wish I had. Did you? Did you meet any of the brothers? Yeah. Well, Chico died in 61. Yeah, I saw one clip of Chico being interviewed, and he had on the full outfit.

He was on some English talk show. And I thought that way I wasn't sure if he was trying to do Chico but not having the energy or trying to talk normally and falling into Chico, but you could definitely hear traces of a person other than like a New York guy. Oh, I would love to see that. Leonard Marks. Yeah.

Wasn't there a Lost episode? Isn't it one of the Lost Cabot episodes, Groucho and Harry Ruby? Yes, sadly. I'm sorry to keep bringing up mummers. You brought me down to the floor. My morning show, two weeks in Hollywood, and they said, you're going to enjoy Friday. We've got Groucho Marx and Harry Ruby.

Friday, we've got Groucho Marx and Harry Ruby. Somehow, now in that time ABC in Saving a Little Money, we learned scandalously was as soon as those shows were taped in the morning, they took them out

and ran them through the machine taping Let's Make a Deal. That treasure is gone. And many more. Yeah, that's awful. And the sons of bitches who do that have no compunctions about it. Johnny nearly got an assault rifle

and went into NBC in New York when he learned they had 86ed his, I think his entire New York run. Well, what's his name? Oh, Kovacs. Ernie Kovacs. Ernie Kovacs. Ernie Kovacs, yeah.

I heard a story. They called his wife, Don E.D. Adams, and somebody said, I work here at the station. He said, come here right away. They're destroying all of his shows. Jesus. Yeah, I've heard that story too. I've never heard that particular one,

but I know a friend of mine, same plot sort of, said, come over here to NBC. Yeah, just over here to NBC. In fact, yeah, just get here. And they got there, and this guy's friend said, I've got to quit this job. I just erased George S. Kaufman's first appearance on The Tonight Show, which was stunning. And as Groucho aged, he never did what a lot of old men do,

tell you things you have to pretend you haven't heard before. He never did that, never did that, except once. And I can still hear it. It was, did I ever tell you the greatest compliment I ever got? And I said, no. The greatest compliment I ever got was George Kaufman said to me Groucho, you're the only actor I'd ever let add lib

in something I wrote Kaufman, the great writer plays director once I asked Groucho what sort of things do you remember Kaufman saying that you liked and he said his advice to his daughter

I thought, uh oh I said, what was it? saying that you liked. And he said his advice to his daughter. I thought, uh-oh. I said, what was it? And he said, sample everything in life except incest and folk dancing. I love that one. Did that offend anyone? Can I make a strange turn? one of those strange turns, Dick, that you were just talking about?

Maybe you want to comment on one of these. I asked Steve Stolier, your friend and ours, if he had any questions for you. He said, ask Dick, if you want to field one of these, ask Dick about Pat McCormick and the leg braces. Or, does that ring a bell? Oh, yeah. I'm not capable of describing who Pat McCormick was, if you don't know.

But I hope somebody does. You guys know who Pat McCormick was. What was he in with Burt Reynolds? Smokey and the Bandit. He was the tall Paul Williams. Yeah. They would always team him with Paul Williams. He was a writer for The Tonight Show, most famously.

Maybe the funniest man I've ever been around. I mean, you can't get any funnier. Maybe Jonathan Winters and a few others. But Pat did outrageous things, and he got away with them because he was 6'5 or something, and he had this great Irish wonderful almost baby like face when he wanted it

to be that way. And you had to get used to being with Pat because you'd be walking down Sixth Avenue and there'd be a man coming struggling along on crutches and Pat would go hee hee hee.

Which of us would never think of that? But they were witty things. Once we were, actually it was 6th Avenue. Pat and the great David Lord and I were the writing staff of the Merv Griffin Show, and we just had lunch, and we were sensitive to what Pat would do and flinch if we saw a nun coming or something like that and or someone over 400 pounds and here's one a man came

our way along 6th Avenue and I didn't see him but David went like this to distract Pat. But this man was wearing an old-fashioned iron leg brace and clumping and clanking along with it. And as yet, Pat hadn't seen him. And then David went, oh, no. Sheer coincidence. Ten feet behind him came another man wearing an iron leg brace. No connection. And Pat said, is this the way to the FDR rummage sale?

And, oh, and the other one, another, I love that. Another one was that others have claimed was Pat, he had a thing about Ernest Borgnine. Who doesn't? And it had to do with personal hygiene, as I recall. He said when, what was that gum that was supposed to help your breath, that little bucket rattled? Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh? That little pocket rattled. Oh, uh,

sen-sen? No, but that's all right. Let's say it was sen-sen. When Ernie opens a sen-sen package, a white flag comes out. But

the masterpiece of all, his breath could start the painting. I don't want to take any chance on Gary. Let me go through to myself in my mind. Two, three, four. Oh, yeah. His breath could start the windmill in an old Dutch painting.

What a concept. Oh, boy. While we wait for Gilbert to find the men's room, we promise we'll come back to the show after a word from our sponsor. Don't go away. Hey, Ontario. Got any plans?

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Tennessee sounds perfect. And now back to the show. I urge our listeners to look up Pat McCormick. Now, I have to know if me and my friends are the only people who know this, or are you familiar with the Pat McCormick helicopter story? This is the greatest hit on this podcast. Possibly, but I'm not

at this moment. That Pat McCormick and his friends, other showbiz cronies, writers, would try to outdo each other once a year on a dinner that each one would be in charge of. Wow. They'd take, and so when it was, you know,

so they would try to, you know, fly people to Paris or like do, you know, just insane stuff. And now when it came to be Pat McCormick's turn, he led everyone to this heliport and he gave where they handed everyone a paper bag with a tuna fish sandwich and an apple in it. And everyone's looking, what the hell is this? And then they were taken one by one in a helicopter where a hooker would blow them while circling their house.

Oh, yes, yes. Yes. And they did this. And one of the writers says he went home that day, and his wife said, so how was the dinner? And he said, you know, so-so. Okay. And he goes, anything, how was your evening?

And she goes, it was kind of strange. There was a helicopter circling. And you had Tim Conway confirm that story, did you not? Yes, I was working with Tim Conway, and I said to him, look, I don't know if this story's true, but Pat, and without even going, I go, Pat, and he goes, helicopter?

Pat, and he goes, helicopter. Well, it's about the time I was working for PAR, just to date this, early 60s. The story made rounds in town of how Pat did, which is said to have, in fact, hastened the divorce that eventually came. They were all at the McCormick apartment, a big dinner spread.

Pat brought in the big silver tray with the lid, took it off, and there was their newborn baby. Fantastic. Even people who knew pat were shocked and diane for indeed that was her name was not amused baby wasn't having a bad time so so here's another one from stoliar i give you your choice uh dick you could we could talk about your friendship with stan laurel or you can take and having a bad time. So here's another one from Stoliar. I give you your choice, Dick. We could talk about your friendship with Stan Laurel, or you can take another question from Stoliar,

because I love the list he gave me here. There's a question about a noseless woman. Does that mean anything to you? What? There's a question about a noseless woman. This is from Stoliar. A woman with no nose. Does that mean anything?

Oh, yeah. I don't think anybody could make this humorous. Okay, well, we could. How about Robert Q. Lewis's skin? Oh, yeah, he had this skin collection of... Oh, I think I know. I would love to... Can I take my shirt off?

It's just hot as hell. Sure, sure. It's warm in here. Oh, help me, Gilbert. I'm strong. Thank you. I'm undressing Dick Cavett. Throw that into the audience like Elvis.

And it's not the first time. You got to watch him in the dressing room. What was the subject? I don't know. He said, ask Tick about it. Robert Q. Lewis. Don't use any words. Okay.

Which is difficult. I would love, and you would love, I can speak for you. Okay. would love, I can speak for you, to have a collection of nasty things that comedy writers have done or said to a hated boss. I don't want to mention this guy's name, but

his initials were Robert Q. Lewis. And do anyone remember him? You've got to be a certain age. Who remembers Robert Q. Lewis? He did. He was on game shows. He was Arthur Godfrey's constant understudy. And he was an amusing, kind of pointed face, witty kind of guy.

He was good. But a schmuck. Is that how you pronounce it? Yeah. Ask him. Italian. I meant how you pronounce butt. Anyway, butt a schmuck.

They were in the middle of the season. He had a two-hour radio show at one point. And he was nasty to the crew, famously. I mean, to the writers, especially. A lot of people who have comedy written for them hate the people supplying it because it reminds them that without help, they wouldn't be where they are.

And Lewis said something terrifically nasty, whatever it was, it's lost to history, to a group of his writers in his room, and one of them got him. Now, tiny bit of background. Lewis had to have

nose putty, kind of putty knifed onto the craters in his face, probably from smallpox, I don't know what. And he was very sensitive about that. Can you see it coming? He said something to the writer, and the writer said,

that's it, I'm out of here, keep my paycheck, bastard. And then he went to the door, paused to the door for a minute and said, oh, I never got to ask you this, Bob. What's par for your right cheek? Now, that's almost rude. But good.

Now, you worked on the most infamous Jerry Lewis TV failure. I have to go now. Bring the room down. Was that the two-hour version of the Jerry Lewis show? You know all these things. You don't need to pretend you don't know everything. But you do it so well.

Yeah, that was a two-hour show. It was announced for almost a year in advance jerry lewis billion dollar contract abc you know how he got it he hosted the tonight show for two weeks in the summer between johnny and jack or jack and johnny um and he scored heavily was just wonderful and i wrote for him and liked him and then it was a this is the biggest show anyone has ever had nothing compares no spectaculars a word we used to use uh he will have two hours live from his jerry le, from the Jerry Lewis Theater in Hollywood and Vine. It was not... I talked about it a little afterwards.

Kennedy was shot. About three weeks later, the show had its merciful death. It had run for about 12 weeks, I think. Catastrophe is too nice a word. I was there opening night watching it, and I thought, they aren't going to put this on the air, certainly. Oh, wait, it's live. I remember one joke I gave Jerry.

He's the only one he used that night, opening night. It was, why do people keep saying, what are you going to do for two hours? Articles, ads. Jerry, what are you going to do for two hours? What are you going to do for two hours? He said, why don't they ask Liz and Dick what they can do for two hours? Two, three, four. And they liked it.

Did I leave something out? Maybe the mic was off. I'll give you another chance. Why me? Oh, that was it. Why me? Why me? Why don't they ask Liz and Dick what they can do for two hours?

Well, this was at the height of the affair in every day's papers. Okay, try it again. Just say it one more time. And this time, this time I want a rousing reaction. You sound like a studio warm-up man. Yes, yes. When Jackie comes out on this stage,

I'll be tossing T-shirts out. Yes, anything you want. I want you to tear the roof off this theater. Say that joke again. Now, everyone, greatest joke you've heard in your life or religious experience. Say it.

I forgot. It had something to do with a dog. I don't think I ever told this before, and we may wonder why. No. Everyone in America, apparently, from the ratings, tuned in for that much ballyhoo, knock over your head, open night.

And the producer said, I've asked all the writers, and you can submit your idea, how we will open the very first live show. And I went back and I thought, I said, why don't we open live with Jerry having a cigarette, which he always did, on the corner of Hollywood and Vine? And the cliched, pretentious announcer voice saying,

this man is about to enter the arena of one of the most something-something events of the year, of the decade, perhaps of the century, two hours of live television, and so on. And Jerry stubs out his cigarette

and have him walk to the theater and his impeccable tuxedo and his pumps and as he gets to the door of the theater he it won't open the automatic lock has gone on and there's no way to get into the theater that would have played better than how he chose to open the show the producer said I owe you a million dollars that's perfect for him

he'll act it right and so on but he had a better idea really I have to admit he came on singing make someone happy here let me show you how a joke is told. Pay attention. Okay. Everyone wants to know

what I'm gonna do for two hours. Why don't they ask Leach and Dick what they're gonna do for two hours? Why don't they ask Leach and Dick what they're gonna do for two hours? Hi! Hi! You're getting the Benny. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Aren't we fun? Speaking of Mr. Benny, we did the first episode with you, Dick, two years ago. The first episode of this show, which we have to thank you for. Here we are 110 episodes later. And they were saying, what's he going to do for two hours? Everyone said it.

I will confess, and Gilbert and I have told this on the show, the first guest we interviewed, we were not able to use the material. And then Gilbert had lost faith in the idea. We walked to a pizzeria, Dara, Gilbert and I, and he said, well, that was fun. And I said, listen, give it one more chance. Let's get a guest who's an automatic. And we called Dick Cabot. And the show was born.

And on that show, you told a favorite Jack Benny story. Oh, yes. How long ago was that, in fact? Two years. You were about to do the Lillian Hellman play. Oh, yeah, I'd do the play. Well, it was great fun. At first, I thought, I really didn't think,

what are Gilbert and I going to do to fill the time? But it turned out to be no problem. I am curious as the precise reason you couldn't use the first one you did from filthy material? No, unfortunately. How would that disqualify? The guy was not our youngest guest. He was

a guest that was so many years. He was a little bit up there. When my brother Chico... No, no. No. You know, I was working with Sig Roman, who was a wonderful character. Yes, he was. From To Be or Not To Be.

Sig Roman. Down below, down below, sat the devil talking to his son, who wanted to go up above, up above. You look like Rhoda Morgenstern with that hat on. More than the crowd show. They say it's getting too hot for me, and so I'm going up on ice where I can have some fun. And the devil says, you stay down here where you belong. The folks who live above you, they don't know right from wrong.

Let him tell the Benny story, because it's a... Did you see the show where he sang that horrible song by Irving Berlin about war and brothers killing brothers? That was this one. That's the one. I wonder if it's online. I'd like to know, though. They're breaking... Oh, they're breaking the hearts of mothers.

Brothers killing brothers. Brothers killing brothers. Irving Berlin. Yeah, of all people. And that Groucho would always sing that whenever Irving Berlin was in New York. Yeah, he loved to do that. I prefer Easy Peasy myself. Oh, yes.

Easy Peasy, the one he sang on the Dodgers short show. Easy Weezy, yeah. I wonder if Berlin wrote anything else. That was the name, wasn't it? You want to tell the Benny elevator story? It's such a gem. Or you can tell the Dick and Liz story. I think I'll just tell Dick.

That always gets a laugh, no matter what. Okay. tell dick that always gets a laugh no matter what um okay i was in hog heaven when i got the job with jack and my legendary story of taking jack parr offensively and pushily some material and corner him in the hall at nbc and he hired me a little later but um that same building and when I got to work on the show I thought my they can kill me now I my job has to write jokes and then I go down for taping or rehearsals if there are any and I hang out with Jonathan Winters or Sid Caesar or George Burns or Groucho or all my heroes. This night, end of the taping, Carson Tonight Show, Jack Benny, whom I'd been chatting with before the show,

and I'd go in and corner these people in the green room. I asked him about Mary Livingston and a couple things. And he was so nice. Somebody pointed out that Jack had the record for the cleanest working huge star in comedy ever. So there was that. And there was that I'd grown up hearing him on his night. Hello, everybody.

This is Jack Benny. All my life. So he went to get in the elevator. And it was this elevator sort of segregated for the stars. There was nobody else in it. He got in it. But then a bunch of fans spotted him and got in with him

before the page could stop them. So I got in, of course. And we're going down, it would be seven floors. And at the first floor, as the door closed, somebody said, are you really cheap?

Somebody else said, I hope the few people in the audience know these references. Is it true there's a guy under your house in a vault guarding your money? And this lovely man, perhaps the only person in the history of show

business that everybody liked. Right up here at the top. Not down here with Danny Kaye that's another show I'm sorry that's another show and yeah

where are we now the fifth floor do you really drive a Maxwell do you really play the violin that badly ha ha ha and you can see him kind of roll his eyes just subtly wouldn't hurt their feelings. Bottom floor.

They all run out to tell their friends. And I said, Mr. Benny, do those references get kind of tiring decade after decade? And this lovely man put his hand on my shoulder and he said, and then he gestured, you know, kid, sometimes you just want to tell them to go fuck themselves. Oh, boy. I love you.

Can you imagine? Your best. That was just, that voice that had come out of my radio. It's a shocker. You know, I heard a story from, of all people, Ed McMahon. And Ed McMahon told me he went to a roast of Georgie Jessel. And Ed McMahon was just a kid at the time. And he was thrilled to be around these people.

And Jack Benny goes up to the podium. And he freezes Ed McMahon, just watching Benny. And Benny goes, you know, Georgie Jessel has to fly to Israel tonight. You see, he's got a cunt in high fits.

Oh, not a woman, an actual cunt. He wears it for a toupee. When I was too young and naive to know that everybody would know what this was about, maybe I was at the Friars as a kid just out of school. And I said, wouldn't you say it's true that if it weren't for Milton Berle's penis,

all roast shows would be only half as long? It's true. It's true. And speaking of half as long... We have time for five minutes of questions. Jeremy, where are you?

Let me just finish. There's a little bit to it. Sure. Jessel, annoyed that he was at the farthest end of one of the long roast tables, where everybody is, and somebody did a joke about Burl, because half the stuff was always about Burl's member,

and members only. And Jessel stood up and ad-libbed, I guess. member and Jess will stir it up and ad-libbed I guess I know that the joke in here is always

about Milton's penis and how long it is well I'm here to verify that I'm standing

on it I'm standing on it. You know what I mean? You want to do five minutes, five quick minutes of questions? If anybody has any questions for Mr. Gottfried, Mr. Cavett, I'm going to start in the back.

Hang on. Is that a lady or a gentleman? I'm sorry, I can't see. Come on, Jared. Well, I have a question about Mr. Cabot. There's one episode that you referred to as your most challenging, The Husbands, with Pizarro, Cassavetes, and Peter Falk. Can you hear that?

No, my hearing aids on this side. One of your more challenging episodes was The Husbands episode with Peter Falk, Ben Gazzara, and John Cassavetes. You don't need to hear me tell it. Somebody has put it on YouTube. I work alone. What's the question, real quick? You bring out the best in me.

Did you realize how bummed they were beforehand? Being a little naive, it took me two seconds to see how drunk they were. And then they were the only guests that I've ever had come on together and get their

idea of humor by taking one of the other one's shoe off and smelling his feet. Cassavetes falling to the floor and a faint uh they were pissed to all of their gills um and they decided to be bad boys and it got kind of funny and then the audience began to turn away i i mean i thought i've got to say something this is awful they're flopping around and i said this is why i never joined a fraternity that kind of helped and the one i said in all seriousness but there were enough people who

knew it was true to get a laugh i said uh they were now seated and said, I can't believe that I'm sitting here with you three. And one week ago today, these three chairs were occupied by Alfred Lunt, Lynn Fontaine, and Noel Coward. Perfect. And the style was different. Anybody else? By the way, just so you don't say that, it's on YouTube now as Dick Cavett's worst show ever. Truly.

Jack Hoffman in the back. Yeah, my memory's correct. You did a show with Zero Mostel. I'll repeat the question. If his memory is correct, you did a show with Zero Mostel. Was there an introduction that was very unique, I think? Was there a unique introduction? I hope so.

What was it? I hope so. What was it? I hope my memory is correct. You've had many stars on, so the first time you ever had zero? Had zero? Yes. Is that the humorous part? That was your clever introduction. Had zero, yeah.

One introduction, I'll race through this. one introduction, I'll race through this Jack, who was the most brilliant ad-libber and neurotic possible person I ever worked with, Jack Parr thrilling, Jack Parr on live television and one day somebody came up

and said, oh god, Jack is so happy somebody fell out but they've booked Jane Mansfield tonight, somebody knew her they called her up. And she's coming on, and Jack's just like that about her. You'd have thought it was Marilyn, because Jane was about here to Maryland.

But a huge star at the time. All us, the older boy writers and I, gave Jack introductions, and he hated them and we tried again and he sent them all to the wastebasket and did one of his hissy fits of you guys haven't

written me anything I could use in weeks and you know two of the older guys went home and said screw it and I went to my typewriter. I didn't think I had enough status to go home. And Jack, thrilled at having her on. And I thought, I'll just get this over with.

One line. What will it be? And Jack loved it, and he took it. And he said backstage, I never dreamed we would have her on the show, and I didn't know how to introduce her. And anyway, here is my introduction. Here they are, Jane Manson.

Thank you. One more quick question. Jonathan, right here. You did an amazing show with the Muppets. Yeah, you know, I'd like to see that again. I never saw the show I did with the Muppets. A show with the Muppets. The question was, I did an amazing show with the Muppets.

Yes, that's just more of a... Tell us about the Muppets. I don't remember one thing they really stood out bless my heart no I do they were wonderful and of course it was fun to work with them and there's a picture of me

leaning my head against the giant blue guy whatever his name was but the worst part of doing it was that I came downstairs eager to do the show in five minutes or whatever five minutes later

and I looked on a table and there were all the Muppets dead one quick one right here is our last one This is terrible. One quick one right here is our last one. Other than your appearance on The Odd Couple, season five, episode 18. Wow. It's a man after my own heart.

Is there a signature moment in your career that you think back and just say, wow, that was special? The best show? Besides this? Besides this. Oh, yeah. No, I always find, I think most questions are impossible because, well, you can tell who came in in a race first.

There's no doubt about that. But when you have this vast variety of different kinds of people and so on, I could never really answer the question, whether I'm asked it by Barbara Walters or a teenage girl with braces from a junior high school paper who says, who's been your most interesting guest?

It's interesting. And so I'm really having to cop out on you. But if you were to thrust me to the wall, then you look capable. I put it this way. I would have to say that Groucho meant the most to me. I was always touched by your line. I think it's something you said in a Marx Brothers in a nutshell.

You said Groucho, you felt sorry for him because everybody else got to have a Groucho Marx and he didn't get to have one. Yeah. It's such a sweet thing to say. I did another version of that once. I was so struck by, I worshipped Bob Hope and finally had him on the show.

And something we did earlier happened. In Lincoln, he came to town. My friend Lyle and I were going to go see Bob Hope, but we thought, it's the Coliseum. It has thousands of people. It'll be a movie. We won't see Bob Hope in Lincoln, Nebraska. Well, we did.

But the first hour was a variety show. A magician, a juggler, a dancer, a shadow show. A magician, a juggler, a dancer, a shadow guy. And we had an intermission. We said, well, see, no Bob Hope. And we started to leave. And then they said, okay, second act. Everybody back in. Thousands of people.

And I can hear that voice now. And now the star of our show, Bob Hope. Da, da, da, da, da, da. And Hope glided on from the wings. And I had just seen him in Monsieur Boquer. And I just said, there's air only between me and Bob Hope this can't be possible and I remember my friend Lyle said Jesus there he is we were struck blind dumb he had Marilyn Maxwell with him who was a favorite colleague of his. Yeah. For some years.

And at one point he kind of grabbed her leg for comic purposes. They were standing. And she said, hey, Bob, you can't do that. And he said, read your contract. And I went back around in my usual nosy way. Stage door, six steps down. Cadillac waiting to drive them to the Cornhusker Hotel in Lincoln.

And as he's coming down the stairs, I was just like this. And I said, fine show, Bob. And he said, hey, thanks, son. Told all my friends at Lincoln High School the next day how I'd been chatting with Bob Hope. Followed him to the hotel so he could see me again. But I didn't see him at the hotel. How many years later, I, during a commercial break,

have to go look in the wings to believe that Bob Hope is about to walk out on my stage. Years later, came out and said, hey, I'm glad to see you working. He'd met me on The Tonight Show when I was a writer. And I said, Mr. Hope, and I told him that story. He said, was that you? I love that. He had such a wonderful memory.

We should wrap their other podcast coming up, but for selfish reasons, I just want to hear my favorite Dick Cavett anecdote, which is the Tallulah Bankhead. Chico Marx. And if there's anybody in here

who hasn't heard it... Look how it's backing him out. You're in for a treat. Okay. Groucho was asked by Chico to introduce him to the great Tallulah Bankhead. And she was new to New York and took the town by storm,

cover of Life, cover of Equity magazine, covers of everything, this great beauty at the time from Georgia. Her father was head of the House, Speaker of the House in Washington. Her uncle was a senator. And Groucho said, Chico, this is a lady. You're going to meet her.

Great beauty, great wit, beautifully educated, great in her clothes. And Chico said, oh, for Christ's sake, I'm an idiot on stage, but I can be a gentleman. You know I can. I guess it's the dance floor, maybe between dances. And people standing by hear the lines, Chico, Miss Tallulah Bankhead, Miss Bankhead, my brother Chico. Chico, I want to fuck you, Miss Bankhead.

And to her eternal credit, she answered, and so you shall, you old-fashioned boy. Good job, buddy. Just a gem. Thank you, sir. You want to take us out, my man? No. Okay, because we have to rush this, I got to go first.

Oh, no. We've been talking to Dick Haffish, who's had a long career. Wouldn't you love to have the golf hat that Groucho sometimes wore? Oh, with the balls? Yes. It had three knitted white golf balls and two little odd men or something knitted. And on the show,

Groucho, a show of mine in which Groucho proposed marriage to Truman Capote, the only line I remember vividly was, Groucho was I could never marry a man who has three balls on his head On his head was never heard by three balls Captain Spalding?

Yes Take us out? Okay Hi, I'm No, that goes at the front. Oh, OK. Yeah. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre.

At cake shop in New York City. He's putting on the beret again. So nice. We've been talking to a person who's been in show business for six years. Have you ever had a hat snatched off your head? Ladies and gentlemen, the great Dick Iverson.

Oh, wow. Okay. It's okay. Get the book. See, only two only two applauders are standing. Okay. That's fine.

Thank you. Thank you, New York Podfest Take House. Thank you guys all for coming out. Yeah. I think they liked it. Godfist, Cake House, thank you guys all for coming out. Yeah. Thank you.