Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 11. Billy West

Episode Date: August 9, 2014

"Man of a Thousand Voices" Billy West has lent his unique talents to projects such as "Ren & Stimpy," Matt Groening's "Futurama," "Looney Tunes" cartoons and of course, "The Howard Stern Show," where he won over longtime listeners with his savagely funny impressions of Larry Fine, former Stern show writer Jackie Martling and late Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott. Gilbert and Frank rang up Billy at his home in Hollywood to compare notes on some of their favorite essential topics, including Bud Abbott, Gale Gordon, Peter Lorre, Al "Grandpa" Lewis, and the racism of Dick Tracy cartoons. PLUS: the true story behind the voice of Dr. Zoidberg! Billy jams with The Beach Boys! Jewish Frankenstein! Angry Munchkins! And Gilbert sings the theme song from "Problem Child"! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. You know, I first met Billy West when he was doing, when he was a regular guy on the Howard Stern Show. And I would visit the Howard Stern Show a lot and always have fun with him. And both of us had that same love of old show business. Since the Howard Stern show, Billy went on to be one of the biggest voiceover guys in the business, doing most of the voices on Ren and Stimpy and on Futurama. And he's done like Popeye and Elmer Fudd and Woody Woodpecker and Bugs Bunny and every other commercial you'll hear on the air, he's usually doing. caught up with him in his hotel room, and we talked about everything, like Mel Blanc to Curly Joe Dorita's funeral. And it's like all of us have that love of the weird, old, obscure Hollywood that most people have forgotten. So here's our interview with Billy West. So here's our interview with Billy West. And today on the show, we have someone who Entertainment Weekly called the modern Mel Blanc.

And I mean, it's like every other commercial you hear, you'll hear his voice. And just about on Futurama, he was the voice of most of the characters on that show. And he's on everything. Ladies and gentlemen, Billy West. Hey, Billy. Hey. Hi, guys. Hi, Billy. Hi, Greg.

Hi. I haven't seen you in a long time, Gilbert. What? You mean in show business? Well, I mean, I used to see you a lot when I was in New York when the Stern show was going on. Yeah, when we both did Howard Stern. It's like we used to run into each other a lot. We used to scream at the top of our lungs at the end of the show like, well, that's it.

Just over-modulating the microphone. It's like, let's rock this whole airwave. We all miss the Jackie puppet, Billy. What's that? We all missed the Jackie puppet. It was great stuff. You were about the guy that couldn't come. We had to go get him.

Great stuff. We had to go get him? Is this on? I gotta laugh because if I don't laugh, I'll cry. Laugh, you bastards. We're just standing up here for a lot of material I love that guy Gilbert I loved all the stuff that you used to do on there

I never laughed so hard in my damn life when I used to come and see you do stand up oh thank you no honestly there's nobody like you damn life when I used to come and see you do stand-up. Oh, thank you. No, honestly, honest to God, there's nobody like you. And I'm friends with Penn Jillette and we talk about you all the time. Wow.

Yeah, he really loves you and, you know, here we are. We're sitting out in Las Vegas. I did his podcast. I don't know if you ever did. Oh, I a bunch of times. Oh did. Oh, a bunch of times. Oh, you did it a bunch of times? Okay, cool.

Up there in the slammer. Yeah, I feel like I'm on the radio. I'm trying to talk like a radio guy, and it's like, somebody shoot me. Throw me out a window. I know. Believe me. Believe me. I know the feel.

It's much less professional than that, Bill. But I'm out in uh hollywood darling and um i got a great uh one of the most hollywood things that could happen to anybody happened to me out there the munchkin one of the munchkins from the wizard of oz lived on my street i think his name his last name wasinhard or something, and he had this jet black dyed mustache and a black cowboy hat. He looked like a little villain. And I didn't know how to say hi to him. I used to drive by and wave, and he'd just look at me with that scowl on his face.

And this is one of the important midgets. So one day I drove by and I see him standing on his tiptoes, trying to reach in his mailbox, get his mail. And I rolled down my window and I went, put Brad back. That's great. How would you like somebody to steal a male out of me?

I remember... Oh, go ahead. What? I remember you telling me a story about your father. Now, you grew up where again? Detroit, Michigan. Yes, and you were telling me a story about your father when you were a little boy, and you were telling me a story about your father when you were a little boy and you were sitting on the TV and you were watching, I think, Lola Falana. There's a name.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. There's a name. Lola Falana. I guarantee you he didn't like her. Let's start with that. You described him as kind of an Archie Bunker. Totally. You said that you made the mistake of saying to your father, she's pretty. Oh.

Do you remember? Oh, he was going to tie a rock to me and drown me in the Detroit River. Okay, is it okay for us to talk about this? I don't know, but I have a different one about my other uncle. I have an uncle that used to say the same stuff. I was in junior high, and I had a crush on a black girl named Pat. Pat, I won't use her last name. And there was no way I could just come by, and I used to just look at her, and she was gorgeous.

So I go home, and I'm at one of these little family outings, and my uncle comes over to me, my Uncle Dick, and he goes, So are you getting any L-O-V-E going on in your life? What's going on? Getting any nice girls? any nice girls? And I said, I don't, I don't,

but I have, I have this mad crush on some, this beautiful girl in my class. I'm going crazy. I said, you know, she's just,

she's got nice hair and she's got big, big eyes, brown eyes. And he, and I said, and she's black. And he turned white

as a sheet. He just turned white. He looked like he was going to throw up in his pocket. And he turned white as a sheet. He just turned white. He looked like he was going to throw up in his pocket. And he went, what? And he said, yeah, she's a black woman. And he goes, listen, let me tell you a story. Look at your nature. Does a bee go out with a fly?

It don't happen. You don't see it in your nature. You're a professor racist. That's the story. I thought it was your father, but that's the story. But Walla Fallana was one of the names from those collections of stories. Wow.

He was an expert on evolution, your uncle. Yeah, really. Well, you know what? I went to religious school, and they told you to love everybody, except when it came down to it. You know, and there still would be, like, this discrimination.

The church was weird. I used to go to parochial school. And when I was about 10, I was in the school, and the nuns taught the school. And they would, like, sell you chips before you went to class for the Maryknoll mission. And then when you opened it up to have some of them in the classroom, she'd snatch them out of your hand like a buzzard and seal them up again and then sell them again. So they were not too cool.

So I'm running around the hallways, and I see there's a lot of nice old oil paintings in this old church in Detroit. And I was interested in art, and I was looking at it. And a nun comes up behind me, and she says, what are you looking at? I said, I was just admiring, you know, this work and everything. Yeah, what's so good about it? I said, it's the creation. No kidding.

You know, Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Tell me something I don't know. So I said, so in other words, like, God created man in his own image and likeness. That's right. And he used 100 pounds of clay from the earth and formed Adam in his image and likeness and then breathed life into him. That's right. And then when he became human suddenly out of clay, I know this is insane that I'm even saying this stuff. He turned an old man suddenly and and and god used a part of his rib to create eve his his wife his woman whatever and uh and she was like she said yeah well what's your point and i said why do they have belly

buttons and she flipped out her head almost fell to the floor and it was still screaming at me from the floor. Why you, what? How dare you? How dare you? You know. But it's a reasonable question. You know, every painting I've ever seen, they've got big, beautiful innies.

Yeah. Not even outies. But that's if you're taking science into it. Yeah, but, you know, there's always that inevitable clash somewhere along the line. Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you. I was doing Futurama, and you mentioned it. And you and I have pretty much always had in common old showbiz periphery. Yes. And I love that

stuff. You know, give me a good Eugene Paulette any day for 15 quid for the walk-in. You know? I need my coat. I gotta get out of here. Beat it, buddy. You know, and he no one knows what he looked like

He was like this little short guy But he was fat And he was stuffed into a suit That was too small for him He looked like 10 pounds of crap Stuffed into a 5 pound bag A picture of Friar Tuck Where's my taxi cab

That's how I picture him Bill Bill, in the original Robin Hood. In the what? In the original Robin Hood. Eugene Paulette. Paulette? Yeah. Well, I didn't know he was in that. Yeah.

Wow. Where have I been? I missed a movie that was Gene Paulette friendly. And both of us see the Three Stooges as heroes. Yes. I stopped going to church the day I discovered the Three Stooges.

Honestly. And I had a head full of it. In Detroit, there used to be this morning guy. He was like a schmo on TV, and he was dressed up like a safari guide, and his name was Bw schmo on TV, and he was dressed up like a safari guy, and his name was Buonadon. Yeah, and he had a chimp with him. I forget what the chimp's name was, but Buonadon used to show the Stooges. So here I am watching Stooges from the 40s and 50s and maybe some of

the 30s, and I had a head full of this on my way to school. And I had no use for academics. I swear to God, all I ever thought of was, how do they do what they do? And, you know, we didn't realize when we were watching them, we were learning comic timing of some sort. And, you know, and it served us well because you're learning how to act when you're...

Meanwhile, it was like, can you help it? My mom would come in and she said, turn off those awful men. They're Jewish, you know. I don't know if you know this. Hey, Mo, you took my money, didn't you? Yeah. Finish him. He's come back to haunt us.

So, so... Hey, hey, Moe. There's O.J. Simpson, and he's pointing at you. He's pointing at where I was. Let's get out of here. So, out of all the things the Stooges did, like poke each other in the eyes and run a saw against each other's heads.

That didn't bother her. And crush skulls in a vice. What bothered her was they were Jews. What stuck with me, what I thought was the best? Yes. Little things. Strange things that you're not supposed to pay attention to. Like bad ADR.

Because remember, like, sometimes you'd hear a sound on the TV and it would be from the set. Oh, yes. And then somebody would have to dub in something. Like on the Munsters, you know. Herman and Al Lewis get trapped in a bank vault. I love that one.

And so, I guess Al Lewis wasn't loud enough and so they dubbed him in and his room tone was all different. It sounded like a closet that he recorded in and it was too close

and it was like, look what you did, you big dummy. You locked us in the bank vault. I don't know. That bad? You know.

What I remember with the Munsters that stood out with me was that one time the creature of the Black Lagoon is there. Oh, it was an uncle. Yeah, and it's Uncle Gilbert. Uncle Gilbert. Really? You know, they were looking to do something with that suit that had been hanging around because it was done by Universal and they were the monster people. They had the rights to Frankenstein and Dracula.

So, of course, a Jewish Dracula is better than any Dracula in history. There was one, I think, Jewish Dracula. What, the golem? No, that was the Jewish Frankenstein. That's No, that was the Jewish Frankenstein. That was the Jewish Frankenstein. Yes. Because a lot of... In a motto, fun and I am, shall and they can.

When you look at a lot of the Frankenstein movies and compare it to the Golem, you see where Frankenstein came from. Oh, sure. And there is a scene to the golem, you see where Frankenstein came from. Oh, sure. And there is a scene in the golem where he's standing over a little kid. Yes. That's identical to Lon Chaney Jr. in Ghost of Frankenstein,

standing over Janet Ann Gallo, the little girl. Oh, who's still alive. Yes, who we've got to talk to. That's right. Do you know, how do you know those names? I thought I was bad. I know.

It's nothing I'm too proud of. Well, and Gallo was made out of clay just like Adam, so see, we should all be friends. You know, Al Lewis did some of his best work in that Vault episode, Billy. What's that? Al Lewis did some of his best work in that Vault episode of the Munsters. He's brilliant at it.

I remember with Al Lewis, Al Goldstein, a big... Crew magazine, right? Yes, yes. He used to have these big brunches that I, of course, would always go for free food. Yes, I know. I was happy to take you anywhere. I just loved listening

to you wrestling, and I used to get inspired, to tell you the truth. And I was sitting next to Al Lewis, Grandpa Munster, and he used to dress in like western clothes oh yeah with the bolo tie yes yeah and then the suede cowboy hat the floppy hat he used to talk southern sometimes it was weird or oh i know i know because i knew him too and i used to hang around with him, and he was talking about, and Jackie, on that show, Jackie.

He says, he's got that old corn-pone humor. Yeah, yeah. I remember I was sitting next to him at one of these brunches, and he's there with his smelly guitar. Not smelly guitar, smelly cigar. He's there with a smelly guitar. That would have made it worse. A singing grandpa. He smoked those little cigars they were dipped in wine.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. More wine and more smoke. I want to die. And long fingernails. Long, rotten fingernails. And one time Al Goldstein is talking about a new mag a different magazine he's putting out and he goes so uh you know we're gonna put out this magazine and and

every month is going to be a celebrity interview like like this month we have Penn and Teller and Grandpa turns to me and goes and takes his smelly cigar out and he goes, who? and I go, Penn and Teller and he waves his hand in a disgusted

way and goes piece of your shit laughter laughter Gushed away and goes, pieces of shit. That's a beautiful story. I went to dinner with him and a bunch of other people. And, you know, I asked him stuff, the usual stuff like, Grandpa, you're 90-something. What's the secret of life? If anybody knows it, you do. And he goes, you got to do what you love.

I love what you do. And I thought that was pretty nice, you know. And then there were a couple of old biddies in his restaurant one time, and they were trying to thank him for such a good time. And he had that place in the Lower East Side, West Side, Grandpa's Restaurant. And there were a couple of biddies. They were like from the Midwest. Oh, we just enjoyed your meal so much.

We've never had Italian food in our lives. And we just loved it. And he's going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're going to come back here, and we're going to tell all our friends to come back to Grandpa's Restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he goes, good night now. And then they start out the door, and then one of them ramps up again and said, do you have a menu from this place?

Yeah, yeah, here's your menu. And they leave, and he looks at me, and he goes, drop dead. That was so him. Oh, and then there was this yuppie couple in there at the time. This was a bunch of years ago, probably 18 years ago. And they had a little girl, and the dad says, Honey, honey, go over and ask him where he lives. And so she comes over.

She's all shy. She's adorable. And she goes, Where do you live? And he goes 13 13 mockingbird lane and she screams and runs away from me and he looks at me and he goes women you know with the shrug and everything what what The big bushy sideburns that he had. And I remember he also, he was having a fight with some producer, like late in life. I mean, the producer didn't want him or whatever. You know, Macy's Window, uh, is, in Macy's Window,

about 50,000 people pass there an hour, and in that window, you can kiss my ass. Yes. There was also a Munsters... Well, there was a saying, wasn't there? It was like Kiss My Ass in Macy's Window at work hours.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What was it? Herald Square Store. There was also a Munsters where it was like Herman Munster meets, like, the actual Frankenstein Munster. Really? Yeah. And it's like, it's like.

It's a TV movie? No, no. It's in the series. A monster's episode. Yeah. I don't remember that. Yeah. And he's like in that, you know, fur vest from Son of Frankenstein.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what that was. I think Glenn Strange wore that when he played Frankenstein once. It was like a fleece or something. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know which movie it was, but oh, man.

You know, the Al Lewis stuff, he had a heart of gold, though. He really did. Did he run for office at one point in New York? Who? I think he ran for mayor in New York City. He ran as a libertarian or something once. And Howard did that too.

But Al wanted to do everything. He discovered Lou Alcindor. Oh, yeah, he was a big basketball guy. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You know, he discovered him. He was an NBA talent scout. And he used to say to me, listen, there's nothing like a Nat Huyken script.

I guarantee you there is never going to be another Al, what's his name? You know, Nat Huyken, Roadcar 54, and Bill Go. And he was telling the truth, man. If you had a guy like that writing for you now, your head would explode. And he would say, you you know I never looked back I never went and saw the monsters or the movies or car 54 nothing I'm a progressive and and he was telling me I asked him I said how was Fred grin for Gwen was he was he quiet he goes he silent, and the only person he liked was me,

because I was like a father to him. He didn't have a mom and dad that were close to him. He was from Connecticut. So he said, and then I found out he's dying, and I call him up, and I said, you had to catch cancer? You couldn't have caught dandruff? He swear to God he said that to me, like, trying to just cheer him up because they both knew, you know. And I also, I wanted to tell you something about that.

You like, you love George Jessel, the Postmaster General. Oh, yes. Yes, sure. And he was a marble-mouthed idiot. Barely funny. One bright and shining light that taught me wrong from right, I found

in my mother's eyes. Those baby tales she told, those streets all paved with gold I found in my mother's eyes Thank you for that. I'm the only one in the world, besides Frank,

that is, I'm dancing on a tabletop, sitting up barking like Lassie over that one. You guys can... You know the definition? You know the definition of a smartass? A fellow that can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is. Hello, Mama?

Yes, it's your son, George. From the money each week? It's Yiddish humor. A lot of people don't even know what you're saying but George Jessel I fused him with Lou Jacoby to do Dr. Zoidberg on

Futurama see now I knew Jessel was definitely there but I didn't oh so you put in Lou Jacoby yeah you know like Zoidberg oh my god you're right. Okay.

Yeah, but the thing was, I remember Lou Jacoby was in The Diary of Anne Frank. Oh, wow. And God forgive me for saying this, but when I saw the movie, a couple of my favorite comedic stars were in it. It was Ed Wynn as the father and lou jacobi as uncle buddy wow yeah and buddy you know uh but i i was like saying these are the funniest guys i

know and they're talking about dead serious stuff like like the nazis and everything so so uh buddy they were hiding in the attic and buddy was just grabbing like grain, stealing from the children, like at night. So he could have more. He was kind of fat. And then one day they caught him and Edwin goes, here all along. We thought it was the rats. And it was you, Buddy. And he just said I stole

from the children I stole from the children I stole from the children and I was laughing my ass off and I said I'm going to go to hell for this this is horrible but you know that's what happened with

Zoidberg I just thought it was a perfect he had all this cool meat hanging off his face. I said, why not? Why not be a marble mole? You know what that story reminds me of? A few years ago, there was a TV movie called Escape from Sobe Bor. And it was like the escape. The feel-good movie of that summer.

Yes, yes. I had the lunchbox. And it was the Sobe Bor concentration camps and the big escape. And the guy, there's one guy who planned the escape, and it was played by Alan Arkin. And there were points in that where they're in a concentration camp, and Alan Arkin will say stuff, i was cracking up oh no and i remember like he says something like at one point what are we all fighting i know exactly what you're talking about i wish i'd seen it, though, just for that. Oh, my God. Alan Arkin.

Now, oh, you know, we either, you could say we worked together or didn't work together, but I was a voice in one of the Ren and Stimpy episodes. Yes, you were. I wish I had been there that day. You played a character named Jerry, the belly button elf. That's right. Go figure. Go figure.

But he was this nice little elf that lived inside your belly button because they were contemplating their navels. So you were more than just this living speck of dust. All of a sudden you turned into this monster that just came flying out of there and terrorizing people. He hated lint loaf. Yeah. Oh, yes.

Lint loaf. Lint loaf. It's like the people, the producers told me they originally tried to get Jerry Lewis and he wouldn't do it. So I kept throwing in Jerry Lewis-isms. And you did.

I loved it. Yeah. And I was like, when he'd be screaming, I'd go, Gilbert, I met Jerry Lewis once when I was about 10 he was doing the Nutty Professor and I lived in Detroit so I walked about 5 or 10 miles to the theater in Royal Oak

it was called the Royal Theater and back in those days I don't know if anybody remembers but a celebrity would show up at the theater to promote the movie and he would do a little stage show, and Jerry Lewis was the guy. And he did this great stage show and everything. So I have to leave, and I'm never going to see him again, and I know that I loved him.

And then many years in the future, me and a couple of voice guys from Nickelodeon call up Jerry's manager. I think it was Joe Stabile or something. And we said, listen, we're some voice guys from Nickelodeon. We wanted to know if we could see Jerry. And he says, well, Jerry, you know, I mean, there's a lot of people who want to see him.

And he said, you know, maybe like next time. So my buddy calls back and he says, well, we do a bunch of voices for Nickelodeon and we know that he's got an eight-year-old daughter. Maybe we could just say hi or something backstage and I'll call you right back. And he calls right back and he goes, Jerry will see you after the show. And I couldn't believe it.

They say never meet one of your heroes because it could go terribly terribly wrong you know but he had the little 8 year old and we went backstage and there he was in like a I don't know like a windbreaker suit you know it was a decompression suit or something

after he works and he comes out and there's pictures of all his movies, you know, movie posters. And the little girl has no idea who he is. He's just Monkhead Daddy, you know. So we started doing voices for, but Jerry came out and he goes, where are my Nickelodeon guys?

And so I told him, I said, Jerry, I said, Jerry, I know you hear this all the time, but I'm of age where you had a real impact on me. And I used to go see movies like Visit to a Small Planet. My mind would be blown. I'd go out and nobody else in the world cared about it except me, maybe one other. But it seemed special. So anyway, I said, I saw you at the Royal Oak Theater in Detroit, Michigan in 19, God, it had to be 62, 61, doing a matinee promoting the Nutty Professor.

And he goes, boy, was I horring for that one. It's just business. But I, you know, I mean, I'm lucky. I got to meet a bunch of my heroes. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. You know, Les Paul was one of my heroes because I'm a musician, too. And Jeff Beck knew who I was.

You played with Roy Orbison and Brian Wilson. Tell us a little bit about that. Oh, that was, I played with Brian out in L.A., and actually New York when I was still on the Stern Show, and my buddy produced his first album, so they were going to play on David Letterman, and they came over and they grabbed me to play. Right. And it was like so last minute. And I get out there and I'm playing with them. And Brian, when we were at that hotel before we went to the Sullivan show, he wore sunglasses and I was standing behind him

and I know that there's only one way to access this guy because he truly is like an angelic human being. You know, he'll walk into a wall, but he could write, God only knows. And I sang the first opening bars to the four freshmen, Pointe Fianna. And he turns around, and he's staring,

and he starts singing the traveling middle part that's in the original version, like he just was thinking about it. And then he took off his sunglasses, and he was saying, that was really good. The four freshmen, I love the four freshmen.

You know, my dad took me to see them. And, you know, I loved it because he accepted me when he takes off his sunglasses. But we went on there and we played Do It Again. We played with his daughter, Wendy. And, you know know I played with the house band Paul Shaper was playing the world's most dangerous band

and somehow I wind up playing out there and I'm like I couldn't believe it this is the guy that wrote the soundtrack to my teens and here I am playing with him it's like David Byrne. I started smacking myself in the head.

And you may find yourself playing next to Brian Wilson, and you may find yourself singing harmony, and you may ask yourself, how the F did I get here? It was just surreal. See, I never worked with Brian Wilson wilson i worked with the beach boys did you really yes you never told me that yeah tell us i i mean i don't know about this i made a music video they sang the theme song to problem child oh i'll be damned. I didn't know that. Who wants to grow up?

Who wants responsibility? Oh, no, not me. That was. Oh, wow. So what'd you do? Now everybody says you're running wild. The teacher's calling you a problem. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So I worked with the Beach Boys in this music video because I was in the movie, too. So they wanted me there. That's right. And the problem child was there, Michael Oliver. And playing drums was John Stamos. I was just going to ask if it was the Stamos version. Oh, wow. Yeah.

So much I'm learning about you. No, I mean, well, at least we have that in common. I mean, I met Carl and I met Mike a long time ago, but Brian was the one I really was into. And was Brian with him at the time or were they the Mike Loveholdies? No, no. Yeah, it wasn't. Brian wasn't there.

Happy birthday, America. And who was the craziest one? Was that Mike Love? Dennis. Well, Dennis was the one. No, no, no. He was the crazy, crazy. But the other one, there was another.

Well, they were all nutty yeah i think it was mike love though well he was nutty and he had his own flavor of nuttiness you know like howard johnson there's different flavors i think crazy i think with mike love he was over at some and Miles Davis was there and and Mike Love was going to get some more grass from some other guy that would be heroin wouldn't it yeah but this time he was getting some

and so Miles Davis said to him oh get me some too no a guy one of the friends said, oh, Miles wants you to get him some too. And he said, tell Miles Davis he ain't God and we ain't room service. Oh, wow. Wow.

What a contempt for a jazz icon. Wow. What a contempt for a jazz icon. Now, Frank and I were talking about, and only the three of us will be talking about this. Yep, on the planet. And that's Curly Joe Dorito. Ah, yes. Oh, no. Well, I had the honor of being at his wake, Bill.

Really? That's a freaky story. Which is the funniest thing that Curly Joe has ever done. He was the only Italian stooge. I know. That's right. So it's fitting. So what happened? What did you do?

I was living in the Valley at the time, and Drew Friedman had introduced me to a friend, Mark Newgarden. We were friends from college, and Mark called me up and said, do you know that Joe Dorita's wake is happening in the Valley today, and we have to get over there immediately. Sounds like a song. Hey, buddy boy, I'm being wake today. You're not going to hit me, are you, Mo?

Hey, buddy boy. Buddy boy. I didn't know he did Joe, too. And, you know... It was poorly attended. His... Well, how many people were there? There were about nine people there, including his gardeners, which I never forgot.

Which I think nine people is amazing. For Curly Joe? That he actually had nine fans. Oh, I know. That is amazing. I had the mask card, which I kept for years, and then I gave it as a gift to my friend Tom Leopold, who's a comedy writer and a friend of Gil's and mine,

and he just treasures it. Now, now. What was it? Oh, go ahead. I'm sorry. I heard that Joe DeRita, his relatives, his descendants, are the ones who inherited the three stooges' fortune. Really?

Yeah. Which is the most... From the daughter, Joanie Moore? Yes, yes. The most underserving stooge of all time. You're kidding me. I thought Daryl Lugosi Jr. was representing them. No, he was a lawyer. Daryl Lugosi Jr. was representing them. No, he was a lawyer.

Bela Lugosi. You have to know that. How the hell? What kills me is how the hell do you go through life, especially as a lawyer with the name Bela Lugosi Jr.? Hilarious. Yeah, he's going to suck your blood. I mean, how appropriate.

Your honor, I bring up my next witness. That's crazy. I can't believe that happened. I rest my case, your honor. But he inherited, he got

all the money, his relatives. I gotta find out about this. You know, I had Mo's daughter and son in my house the other day. You did? Yes, like about, well, not the other day, like a month or two ago. And because they were doing a Stooges documentary

and I was going to talk about Mo and i was going to talk about mo and i was going to talk about larry and who wants to show up is mo's daughter and mo's son paul and uh joan and they were sitting in my house and they they one of them said you know i might have been one time. You know, with the parents. My house is nuts. I remember, well, I think it's the guy who wrote the last Larry Fine book. Oh, the last.

Fine Stooge. Fine Stooge. I don't know about that one. I read Stroke of Luck. I heard the one Stroke of Luck. One of them, the first book. It was about my stroke. I had a stroke one day at the old actor's home, and I was playing shuffleboard,

and it was Halloween, and I put a sign on me, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? That's uncanny. Drew has a script like that, Bill, in his first book. Well, he's the one that inspired me to just do mix and match with all of them. I did a radio bit once in Boston about Shemp voted the ugliest man in Hollywood in 1940. Meanwhile, at night, the stooge roamed the streets teaching his bizarre noises to hookers.

How was that? Nah, sister, you ain't doing it right. The first time I became aware of you, Bill, was I was working at the Topps Trading Card Company with Drew and the aforementioned Mark Newgarden who took me to the Joe Dorito wake. Oh, boy. I have more

to say about that. Go ahead. The first time I heard you was that Drew had a cassette tape in those days of you doing Larry Fine at Woodstock. Oh, yeah. That was the old Stern Show bit. heard you was that drew had a cassette cassette tape in those days of of you with doing larry fine at woodstock oh yeah that was the old stern show bit which we just loved i you know what uh they were almost like religious figures to me like i told you earlier it was like

they pointed the way there was no like thinking about going to a comedy club oh i think i'll get lessons from this guy and he'll teach me how to do stand-up or how to act. You know, there was none of that. How to do voices. You know, Mel Blanc is never going to break down in front of my house and come in and use the phone and in exchange teach me how to do, you know, Porky Pig. It just didn't happen.

There was no signpost for you. I remember there used to be that great commercial for American Express. Do you know me? A lot of people don't know me. But if they heard my voice... You see? Oh, I got to tell you something about Mel Blanc. One time, he was getting ready to retire, and he decided he was going to pass the business on to his son, Noel.

Now, you know, they say the apple doesn't fall from the tree. But this apple stopped in midair and did a cartoon U-turn to the next field. Oh, geez. And he came on with Noel on the Joan London show. stopped in midair and did a cartoon U-turn to the next field. Oh, geez. And he came on with Noel on the Joan London show. She was just, she was unwatchable. But anyway, Mel was on there and he goes, you know, a lot of people have asked me what I'm going to do.

But what happens when I kick? Well, I've heard every damn impression that I've voices I've ever done and they're all god-awful so my son Noel does my voices and he goes and John London says let's have a contest and which is death you know when someone says hey Gilbert we got a guy that does Jafar on here and we were hoping you could come up with a little, you know. Oh, yeah. It's death.

It's murder. You can feel the oxygen leave in the room. So, Joan Lunden says, let's try this. How about America's favorite stuttering pig? You mean Porky. And you go, you know. That's all, folks. You know, and then Noel. And you go, that's all, folks. You know, and then, no.

And he'd go, that's all, folks. And he'd go, see? He'd go, see? Oh. He was like the tape measure, you know, the dad is retiring, he wants to put the tape measure around his kid's neck. Gives him the cleaners, you know. I always found that so sad that he wanted the son to take over the family business.

I don't think the son wanted to do that. Oh, because, you know, in one episode of Family Guys, they have like a fantasy sequence where Elmer Fudd catches Bugs Bunny and breaks his neck, and the blood's pouring out of his mouth, and he's dragging him along. And at the end, I purposely looked out, and it said Noah blank. So they had him come in for that, which I thought was kind of nice. Yeah, they might have finessed it you know maybe it was but but and Mel didn't do Elmer Fudd no no was this guy that was that weirdo that Arthur Q Brian I talked to June

for a once and I said what was that guy like June he said oh he was very strange he loved little boys he liked he liked little boys and i was like oh no i don't want to hear this i blocked my ears and ran away i think because i do them in the geico commercial you know and it's like i don't want to know. This is too much damn information. So, Bill, how did you get Larry Fine? How did you bring Larry Fine and Stimpy together? What was the genesis of that? Well, I thought, you know, everybody, it caused a stir in the southern states

whenever you did that damn voice. And I noticed that just about every guy in the world somehow genetically knew it or was familiar with it. So when I got to do this cartoon, I had to amp him up. You know, you couldn't have a cartoon character sound like a depressed old Jewish guy. I don't know why that is. I would do it. And so he had to be kind of chipper Larry,

you know, higher pitched and everything, and that's how that happened, but any cartoon I've ever done, I've thrown in something from the Stooges, like some noise, or I'm waiting for the Joe Dorita, you know, you're not going to hit me, are you, Mo? Now, I, oh, the story that I heard is, so the guy who wrote, I think it was Steve Cox who wrote one of the books on the Stooges. When he was a little kid, he wrote a fan letter to Joe Bessa. And then he was sitting around with his family watching TV a few months later. And the phone rings and the mother answers and says,

hey, Steve, there's a phone call for you. And Joe Bessa was on the phone, and he's really old and weak, and he goes, I just want you to know how much you led a man to me. You're a very nice young man. And he's very excited and goes, oh, could you say one of the things that you say on TV? And he goes, I don't know what you mean. And he goes, yeah, and he says, please, please say one of the things you say on, and he goes, I can't make out what you, and he says, can you say, and he goes, not so loud.

Oh, that's Joe Bessa, right? That's great. We get two Joes. I don't know how the Stooges were like, you know, whittled down to two Joes at one point, but not so hard.

Yeah. You know what? He thought he was a star. He thought that he was, he should be bigger than the other two. Well, he was great as Stinky. And he was, oh, I'm sorry, go ahead. No, I said he was a great Stinky, Besser. Oh, yeah, he was. But the thing was, is he did that act, you know, his act was like a male version of Baby Schnucks on the radio.

act was like a male version of baby schnooks on the radio so he took that act and did it as as you know joe besser and and i you know i didn't really go for him uh but i think when they did the three stooges movie i told the the director the farrelly's i said you know i met him after it was done because i was a consultant on the movie and I was, you know, teaching people how to be Larry. And I talked to, oh, God, Will. Will Sasso. Will Sasso that did Curly. And he said, just tell me anything. Just tell me anything you know about him.

And I said, well well you might have noticed that he would walk with a limp and when he'd run away when the other guy said let's go he would pivot around the corner and he'd be limping on one leg and he says yeah why is that and i go because when he was 13 he shot his own foot with a shotgun i I had heard that. Yeah, he shot himself in the foot. I mean, that's you would be ordained to be a stooge. Yeah. You know? He was in a lot of pain all the time, and he

drank, you know, but and he used to get drunk, and he'd play at one of those clubs in Hollywood, you know, that's probably still there, like, oh, I don't know, the Trascadero, whatever it's know, the Trascadero, whatever it's called, the Trascadero. The Trascadero, yeah.

The Trascadero. And you could hear him, like, at midnight playing with the band, and he'd be going, swing it! And he'd be smashed. And he had a few strokes before the main. Yes, I know. That was so sad. That was really sad.

You see certain segments, certain other shorts where you go, oh, God, he looks horrible there. He wasn't afraid to risk his life for being a stooge. You know? I mean, that's commitment. a stooge. You know? I mean, that's commitment. And now, I also a guy who wound up really sadly with the stooges was

Vernon Dent. Oh! He went blind. Oh yeah, I know. Vernon Dent was the guy that would always he had a mustache and he was always put out and pissed off and he would go, Where are those three new men?

He'd either be a cop or a gangster or the head of the company. Have you been to the Stoogeum, Bill? The Stoogeum is where? In Philly? Yeah. Is it really because of Larry? It's in rural Pennsylvania. I know Drew wants to go. He's talking about doing

a road trip to the Stoogeum all the time. Which sounds like a movie in itself. They have to honor who's the guy that did Joe McDowell? Oh. What was his name? He played George Jetson.

I know who you mean. Oh, God. I can't think of it. George O'Hanlon? George O'Hanlon. He was like george o'hanlon george o'hanlon he was a he was like a little firecracker and um but he was doing those joe mcdokes and uh he was from philly and that was my key to figuring out george jackson because because of all of us all of us guys that do voices you want to be able to replicate you know just so you can hear

it anytime you want but my biggest thing was creating voices but but i noticed larry fine philly and george o'hanlon was from philly and they both had this like bad plumbing between their nose and their mouth you know because because larry like, you know, hey, Moe, you're putting too much sizzle in the tree. And George Jetson had the same kind of thing. He would go, oh, come on, Jamie, honey, the clean is 500 miles away. It would take an extra five minutes to get there.

And I said, there's something in that water in Philly. Maybe it's the Huggies or the, you know, I don't know. Well, it's almost. Can you imagine, Frank, that you're sitting here and you're listening to two guys that care about old showbiz periphery almost more than what's going on, like, in Afghanistan? I'm just as sad, Bill. You are? By far. I'm just as sad, Bill. You are? By far. I didn't know that.

I've told you to do a mean Lucille Ball. Is it later the latter day, Lucy? Yes. As a matter of fact, I just moved to New York, and I went on a Stern show. I was sitting in his office after he'd get off the show, and he'd get his baked potato stern. Oh, I remember those days. Baked potato and turkey. Yeah, I'm waiting for my baked potato.

Yeah, he would wrap the turkey breast around the baked potato, and he'd eat that, and it used to disgust me. Yeah, I mean, it must have given him his magic powers for radio, you know. Good information. It might have been that, you know. It's like, well, but anyway, I'm sitting in his office, and I said, hey, Howard, you know, they're continually showing the conveyor belt bonbon scene on TV and the grape stomping in Italy, episodes of Lucy.

And I said, I think she's on her way out. And then I sat there and I said, you know, it's not the Lucy that we loved, you know, what she became. It was the stone pillow Lucy is what we got at the end. Stone pillow. I remember the stone pillow. Yeah.

And you were on the radio when they called me and I was supposed to be in the Cedars-Sinai. I remember that. Yeah, and you said, Miss Ball, has anybody ever called you Miss Testicle? Oh, stop it. You know, I heard that from Kenny Youngman. 45 years ago. Oh, God. Oh, Gary, get my clutch purse. Remember that last series, Bill?

Life with Lucy? Oh, that was a nightmare. It was, you know what? It was like looking at a burned victim. I couldn't take my eyes off it. Oh, I know. It was a nightmare. It was, you know what? It was like looking at a burn victim. I couldn't take my eyes off it. Oh, I know. It was a train wreck. You know, and I don't mean to, but I couldn't take my eyes off it.

He's like, was she still with Mr. Mooney or had he changed his character name? I think so. I think Gail Gordon was still hanging on. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Mr. Mooney, I'm going out on a date tonight and I need some money, Mr. Mooney. Oh, boy. Oh, Mr. Mooney, I'm going out on a date tonight, and I need the money, Mr. Mooney. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Strap your seatbelt. But you were there. You were just, you were dying laughing, and I wasn't even sure what I was saying because I hadn't played on the Stern Show officially. And they play real rough in there. Oh, yeah. Oh, they did. They did when I was first coming on. It was like, so, Gilbert, we got Gilbert here.

And Robin, we're going to call the seat of Sinai. We heard that Lucille Ball is on her way out, and maybe we can get to talk to her. And all I kept saying after everything he asked me, why are you bothering me? Why? Why? Why?

Here I am lying in stasis. You know, or just using phony medical terms or something, whatever I was doing. I got one foot in a banana peel and one in the twilight zone, and here you are calling me. And he goes, I'll bet you, you know, who's in the other room? And I said, Dolores Hope. And he goes, wait a minute, she's gone.

She ought to be riding by you any second. Oh, look, here's a card. It's from Henny Youngman. You know, people don't bother to do these type of things anymore. Oh, look at this one. It's from Tom Bosley. Oh, look at this one. It's from Tom Bosley. So we heard you were Bob Mackie or something like that.

Oh, he designed the dresses. And the last time we saw you on TV, was that one of the Bob Mackies? No, he designed that for Bernadette Peters. He's a wonderful man. A wonderful man. I heard he isn't feeling too well these days for some reason.

Where's Bill Frawley? I have to go to the bathroom and they didn't even hook me up to a catheter. They're all Haitians. Where are they from? Haiti. You mean all the nursing people are from Haiti?

Haiti. We had Dick Cavett on the show, Bill, and he claimed that Gail Gordon stole Frank Nelson's voice, that he stole his bit. Yes. Well, they all did. And then, yeah, they all did that. Well, Gail Gordon, yeah, I mean, he wasn't the original neighbor on Dennis the Menace.

You know, Dennis the Menace show had this guy Joe Kern from radio. He would say, God, great! But then when they had Gail Gordon on as Mr. Wilson, he was doing like the Frank Nelson thing way back. Frank Nelson was still alive.

And I love the Benny stuff. I love it so much when they had the TV show. Or the TV show. Or the radio show was great, too. Hey, Mr. Benny. You know, that kind of stuff. Yeah.

Mr. Benny! Oh, Rochester, where's my white jacket? I'm wearing it! Oh, why don't you get the shrimp for my guest, you silly? And I used to love that stuff so much. And he would go, oh, Usher, can you tell us where our seats are? And he went, right behind you. Isn't everybody?

See, that stuff don't fly anymore, but I will fall over if somebody just mentions that junk. We're born too late, Gilbert. I'm sure you've been told that a million times. Oh, my God, yes. We were born old.

Yeah, I remember one time sitting with Penn, and he had some guests over, and he started to name every single reference I make of celebrities in my act. Wow. And each person at the table going, no, no. No. Oh, no. Not even Norman Feld?

No. Oh, my God. And I realize that when I do a Christ joke, that Christ is my most contemporary reference. Oh. Oh, I used to joke about him, and you really polarize a room. You know, I said, you know, he was probably, you know, after the

crucifixion, he was alive again. He got a makeover inside that tomb somehow. You know, he didn't have blood all over him and scratches and punctures. You know, he came out have blood all over him and scratches and punctures. You know, he came out white, all cleaned up. Cleaned him up nice. And he was going around, you know,

and I think he was putting his hand in soapy water and blowing bubbles through his hand. The miracles that he was performing. We'll be rebroadcasting this on the Catholic channel. the miracles that he was performing on the Catholic channel. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal podcast after this. Man, Uncle Jesus. Okay, so I think...

You're not done with me, are you? What if I want to stay? You can't go longer? Yeah, I don't know. Someone done with me, are you? What if I want to stay? You can't go longer? Yeah, I don't know. Someone's telling me to wrap. I don't know why. I would gladly go longer. Do you want to go longer, Frank?

I would like to hear Bill do a couple more voices. Okay, okay. Then we could always use this. And if we only even get another 10 minutes, we could mix it in with another 10 minutes. Yeah. Now, you also did. I never get to talk to Gilbert. I haven't talked to you in probably 14 or 15 years.

I remember also you did a thing. You did a thing. It was right after, allegedly, according to the papers, Don Knotts tried to kill himself. Oh, no. Did he really? Yes. And they were reporting it. They read it on the Stern Show, and they called you as Don Knotts. They did?

Yes. Oh, my God. How come I don't remember that? I know what I would have said. No more Matlock means no more me! But I don't know if I did that. I don't know if I did that.

I just don't know. I never heard, like, when he was super old. I remember him on Matlock, and he was just, he's an old chestnut. You know, you could always count on him for a laugh. But, man, Don, you know, some things are sacred with me, Gilbert, you know. Don't you know? I'll have you know. How about a little Jonathan Harris, Bill?

Do you feel a little Jonathan Harris? Smith! Smith, what happened to all the water? Someone had to take a dump in zero gravity here, didn't he? Didn't he? Oh, Mrs. Robinson, I was nearly bathing the boy. You know, he used to scream. Slap him in the mouth.

Oh, my. And according to your Wikipedia page. Oh, wait. Wait a minute. I have a Wikipedia page. You do. Before we go on to that, my connection with Jonathan Harris is there was a short-lived USA Network cartoon series Problem Child. Oh, yes.

And the father, you know, not the, you know, Big John, I guess they called him. Was this a cartoon, Gilbert? Yes. Okay. And Jonathan Harris was that character. He was doing cartoon voiceovers. Yes. And did you meet him and work with him?

I worked with him a handful of times. And I remember saying to him, like, because the Stern Show always wanted to have him on. I know. And he didn't want to do it. No, he told me, he said, Billy Boy. He didn't want to do it. No, he told me, he said, Billy boy. He said, I have everything to lose and nothing to gain.

And you know what? He was right. I knew him before he passed. I had done a cartoon with him. And you know something? He was a beautiful guy. He really was. I used to help him out to his car. He'd say, oh, Billy, please help me today. I can't get in my car.

And I was so interested in anything he had to say. And I said, do you remember the Bill Dana show? Of course I remember. I played, what did he play? Mr. Phillips, the, what, pompous, imperious floor walker. And Bill Dana was a bellboy. This was like early 60s. Wasn't Don Adams

the hotel detective? House Detective Byron Glick. Ah, yes. He was a master of disguise. And Don Adams would be all dressed up in disguise and he'd come up to Bill Danaane, and he goes, you know, do you know who I am?

And he goes, you don't know who you are? But I asked Jonathan, I said, Gary Crosby was on that show. Oh, poor, dear, dear Gary. So much talent. He killed those boys, you know. Talking about Bing. Because one time the house was burning down, and Bing sent Gary back into the house to get his pipe collection.

Oh, my God. You've got to read about this stuff. I mean, it's true. I mean, Bing was talented and everything. Everybody loved him, but he was a hollow man. He was an alcoholic, and he was carved out in the middle. There was nothing there. You know, a story I heard was one time someone was talking to Buddy Hackett at a party.

As things like that used to happen at one time. Yes, yes. And they said to Buddy Hackett, they brought up the fact that Bing Crosby being a violent father. And he goes, you know why Bing Crosby used to beat his kids? Because Bing Crosby couldn't get a hard on. Oh, my God, that is so funny.

You know, I was thinking it would be great nowadays. Everybody's a pundit. Everybody's got a show every hour where they speculate on crap, and I'd love to hear the Buddy Hackett report. You just heard it, Buddy. What? That was it. And my all-time favorite death scene

was in Bud and Lou, where Artie Johnson, as their longtime agent, he shows up at the hospital after Buddy Hackett had another bad heart attack, and he's in the hospital bed weak. And he sneaks in with a strawberry malted, and Buddy Hackett takes a sip of it.

Buddy Hackett, as Lou Costello, takes a sip, and he goes, you know, I think I had a lot of strawberry maltage in my day. But this one's the best. And he falls over dead. Oh, my God. Do you remember that bill with Harvey Korman as Bud Abbott? Yes, I do. I also know that there was an Abbott and Costello cartoon.

Yes, yes. And I guess there was a guy named Stu Irwin who could impersonate Lucas Tello. And Bud Abbott played himself. And he was the last attempt to try to make a nickel or two. And then one time he goes in the National Enquirer when it was purely black and white, and it was a real tabloid. They show a picture of him all gnarled up in a wheelchair looking at the camera with, like,

his face looked like a post-human face with these little human eyes peeking out from behind it. And they said, you know, he said, if you cared anything about us or our movies, please send me a dollar. Yes, I remember that. Pray to God that that just never happens to us. I know, I know. If you like Stimpy or if you like them to hear him say, oh, joy, you know, send me a buck.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Send me a Bitcoin. I want a buck. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. No, send me a Bitcoin. I want a Bitcoin. And do you remember in the Bud and Lou movie, it's like, you know, both were talented, Buddy Hackett and Harvey Korman, but it looked like neither one of them had ever heard an Abbot and Costello routine. It did seem like that. It did seem like that. It did seem like that.

I mean, you know, to me, they were really important. The stuff you used to just take off, you would, like, jump in an outfit of Lou Costello and just zip it up and fly away with his nuances and everything, and meeting Dracula, because they really had a movie like that, I guess. Yeah.

So you're saying, you're saying the Frankenstein monster came. That was so beautiful. You say the candle moved. What I remember... Get it right. Get it right. When he's doing that description, and he's describing how Frankenstein's

racing out of the crate and Dracula's coming out of the coffin, and he's moving around. He's miming with his hands all up in the air, and, like, you know, like mimicking Frankenstein's moves in Dracula. And Abbott, just out of nowhere, and you know it's like an ad lib,

he goes, okay, okay, put your hands down. Oh, man. Oh, man, you know what that sounds like? The way Teddy Healy used to treat the stooges. He was not with it. It was just like they'd be in the middle of something, and some one of them said something was funny, and he goes, and Healy used to just, like it was a huge speed bump, he'd go,

oh, you think that's funny, huh? Oh, you think it's funny. You think this is funny, Mabel. You know. And it's like, oh, shut up. Yeah, Ted Healy was horrible. But he's a great comedian. I don't know.

I don't know. I always thought he was like one joke away from Palookaville, especially with no Stooges, you know. I swear. Isn't it that like when the Stooges became the Stooges by themselves, that Mo was basically the Ted Healy? Yes, he assumed that. But he was so good at it. You know, he used to take the punches and the slaps from Ted Healy. And the other two were tired of being hit. Oh yeah, because they said Ted Healy never pulled his punches.

He would just whack them where they got dizzy. Yeah, and Curly would say, come on man, what are you trying to do? And Teddy Healy said, you want them to hear it in the back row, don't you? Oh, jeez.

Yeah, Ted Healy. Sato masochist. And then what was the You want them to hear it in the back row, don't you? Oh, jeez. Yeah. Ted Healy. Sato Maticus. And then what was the horror movie he was in? Was that Mad Love with Peter Lorre? Oh, Peter Lorre? Yeah, where he plays a crazy, you know, comedy relief, wisecracking reporter. He might have been.

It would have been perfect, though, because that's all he was suited for. And he's awful in it. Yeah, of course. He was always anemic, no matter what he did. Oh, yes, yes, with the Peter Lorre comes in with like a head,

like a neck brace, because it's supposed to be he was dyed in a guillotine. Karl Freud, who directed The Mummy. Yes, yes. Oh, my God. And he's wearing these metal hands, because his hands have been chopped off. He thinks he murdered his father.

He thinks he murdered his father. You know what made no sense with Mandeloff? No sense. Do you think anybody's still listening to this? I ran out of questions 20 minutes ago. Two guys on the phone, you know, and one guy's in Denver. Whoopie doo. They're talking about stuff that, you know, we like both of them,

but it was, you know but we couldn't understand it. We're talking about stuff that if Moe Howard was still alive, he wouldn't know what that is. Yeah, I know. You know Stan Freeberg? Oh, yeah. Sure. I asked him one time. He did a run in Stetson.

Another ape name. I love this radio show. The modern references keep coming. I love the radio show I love the radio show when he had George Butler and June Correa and all that

and he did parodies of songs like a week after they came out like Heartbreak Hotel he had a parody but I met him one time

on Ren and Stimpy and I said how did you do all that stuff that you did you know and I named off a bunch of things

and he goes well you know more about me than I do, which is basically true at that point. You know, you're boring the guy with stuff he did, it's just he didn't remember it. And how did Peter Lorre find his way into Red and Stimpy, Billy, speaking of Peter Lorre? Well, because the original mashup was he had sort of a Peter Lorre accent to make you think he was like Slavic or something.

And then he had a South of the Border accent, you know, chiming in and out because he was a chihuahua. He was an asthma hound chihuahua. He was an asthma hound chihuahua. And then his lines came from, like, Kirk Douglas and Burl Ives. You know, we'd do stuff like, you know, actually, I didn't do it for the season, but I remember hearing what they wanted me to do. He wanted me to do it, and we went to Nickelodeon, and I did a tape of both of them, and I sold the show. But he decided he was going to do it. He wanted me to do it. We went to Nickelodeon and I did a tape of both of them and I sold the show.

But he decided he was going to do Rent. I didn't give a fat frog's ass who did what. I was lucky to have a job. I get immigrant mentality. My uncles are up in heaven looking down and they go, you had a chance to work for 18 hours a day and you didn't do it. Oh my god.

I have the same thought that goes through my head. Immigrant mentality. Yes, yes. I know you do. Yeah, because sometimes I'll find myself bitching about something, like some club I have to do or some voiceover, and I'll go, oh, God, I have to work for a whole hour. and I'll go, oh God, I have to work for a whole hour.

And then I can just imagine my mother and father telling them I'm making this amount of money, but I have to work a full hour. And I'm thinking, what the hell would they be staring at me, the look on their face? Oh my God, yeah. No, I mean, I used to feel like, you know, they were always there somehow, because they were Irish guys.

Who hated the juice. They used to drink. They would never give up the ghost. And they would get drunk at the local bar and then they'd go to work and sleep in the doorway so that they could wake up there and be able to go to work rather than miss it.

Come on, you stiffs. You want to go to work? Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up, you bums. Come on. Get up.

23 Skidoo. I still have an immigrant mentality. I always think that when I'm in a gig and if I don't do the right witty little genderless, clawing, annoying voice, that I'll go home and my house will be gone. Absolutely. You know, people don't understand that, but we're not too far removed from that.

It's like, I remember one time after an episode I did of Hollywood Squares, and it was running kind of slow that day because the camera or lights, whatever, it was screwed up. Yeah, it was a wig. Yeah, and I had a headache, and I was annoyed that it went so slow. And they had a driver who would drive me back to the hotel, and I was in a bad mood, and he says,

So, how did your day go, sir? And I was about to say, oh, you know, like start bitching about it, and then all of a sudden a voice popped into my head and said, okay, look, you showed up in the daytime, had breakfast, did three jokes, broke for lunch, did another three jokes, and I'm being chauffeur driven back to the hotel. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Oh, honestly, God. Yeah. You know, I

mean, do you know, do you know some of the voice guys? I mean, they all know of you. Tom Kenny used to be a stand up comedian. Oh, yeah. SpongeBob. That guy has so much gratitude, and we sit down and we talk about it. How damn lucky are we to have wound up to do this? I mean, you know, an actor, yeah, you take your chances. You know, 95% – in a business of 95% unemployment, your job is looking for work. Oh, yeah. And it's like I i thank god because there is opportunities you know that's all we do is make show business i just tell kids get into show

business whatever it takes get in because that's all we make that's our factory everything else is gone and uh they can learn animation on computers and there's always a room for somebody. And I was talking to Frank because both of us were saying how, you know, like at any given time, you could like at the next minute, you'll be working like crazy now, and the next minute, the phone stops ringing, and you're totally forgotten about. So you're afraid to turn down work. I don't have a sense of entitlement, and I've always felt that way.

You know, it's like I never took it for granted. Honest to God, I never did. I didn't have a sense of entitlement. You know, I just was like one of these kids. It's like I just want to bring something to the industry when I decided that I wanted to do it. But I never was convinced you could make a lot of money or be famous, nothing like that. Well, I always think like when I was a kid and my parents knew I was interested in like comedy and show business, what they must have thought, like that would be like saying, oh, I'm going to be a really rich successful sword swallower or something

the post office is hiring Gilbert you want to know something you hit the nail on the head my my mother I think I had the same parents I don't remember you around but I think I had the same parents. I think I have the same parents. Yes, we have the same parents.

I don't remember you around, but I think I have the same parents. My mother had me go and take a test for the post office, which I failed. The civil service? Oh, my God. The civil service. I failed it. Oh, my God. They've got serial killers in the post office, and I failed it. Oh, my God. They've got serial killers in the post office, and I failed.

That's how stupid I am. Oh, my God. Didn't you know better that someday you could start a stamp business that had on each stamp one of the guys that went nuts? You know, the commemorative version. Going on stage and talking about Ted Bessel was your deliverance.

And, and, and Oh, Donald! Now, I want to find out I'm in the right place. That's why I don't want to leave. I don't want to face anybody after this. I know. I'm in the right place.

I never met her, but I have a feeling that and I never met her, never heard anything about her, but I have a feeling Marlo Thomas is the worst human being on the planet. Oh, well, I break out laughing,

but I know so little about Marlo Thomas. Yeah, I don't know. I know more about her dad. Like, I think, Phil, oh, well. Is there anything about her dad we can say on the air? I don't have enough time. Yeah, he needed a prescription coffee table. When he got older.

That's all I can say. Come on. Please. This is supposed to be a fun show here. It's a family show. And I should preface, I know nothing about Marlo Thomas, so I don't. You were trying to shock me, huh? You were trying to be a shock jock.

You're outrageous, Gilbert. I never heard anything bad. Maybe it's always because she was trying to be so nice all the time on TV. Oh, I know. You mean like Kathie Lee? Yes, yes. So those people you kind of suspect are killers. Well, it's overcompensating for something let's put it that way

constantly being happy and then breaking down crying that's called manic depression and everybody loves that that's what gets ratings we reward the mentally ill well that's show business well oh that is show business everybody's mentally ill there's something that one of the things that attracted me about show business yeah it was that aside that an idiot like me could make a living is that in real life outside of show business like if you work in a grocery store and you're bad at tying your shoes or adding up your taxes, you're an idiot. That's right, I was.

But if Johnny Depp doesn't know how to tie his shoelaces... I don't either. Yeah, he's a brilliant artist. He's so eccentric. Yeah, he likes that eccentric. Why go to France and hide all that wonderful eccentricity when you can parade it around out here?

You're hiding. We want to see this behavior. We must. Now, I remember getting back to the Stooges again. See, now, I grew up in Brooklyn. And so on the East Coast, we had Officer Joe Bolton. Joe Bolton. Yes.

Oh, yeah. Officer Joe. We had Major Mudd in Boston. Major Mudd. And don't forget Captain Jack McCarthy. Oh, yes. He used to show the Popeye. And he used to end each show with,

well, time and tide wait for no man. Thank you, officer. Do you ever hear the empty can rattle the loudest? No, I haven't heard that one. Haven't killed. Haven't killed.

Now, was there ever, also in the afternoon, sometimes I'd walk home from school for lunch. Oh, I used to go home. They gave you a lunch break back then. Yes. And I would go home and I would always... I'd like the cartoons more.

I like they used to have the Dick Tracy cartoons. Oh, but looking back... Oh, they were horrible. Jiu-Jitsu. And do you remember who did the voice of Dick Tracy? I don't remember.

Everett Sloan. Oh, Everett Sloan? Because if you listen... Do you remember who did the voice of Dick Tracy? I don't remember. Everett Sloan. Oh, wow. Oh, it was Everett Sloan? Because if you listen to... That's right. I saw his name on the credits. That's right. I just never knew what he did because I only knew him from Citizen Kane, you know.

Charlie Kane was a weird guy. Mr. Kane. I'm chairman of the board. I have nothing but time. Oh, man. I did not know Everett Sloan was the voice of Dick Tracy. Oh, and then at the end of Lady from Shanghai, he's the one walking around with a limp and a gun in the House of Mirrors,

and he goes to Rita Hayworth, are you pointing that gun at me lover good because I'm pointing this gun at you laughing laughing go ahead

no in when he when he stick Tracy if you listen you know you can hear it now you know it's like okay captain i'll be on it right away well he was playing sinister characters even like on johnny quest oh yes yes yeah he he was he didn't seem very formidable in the old days like when he was in citizen kane he just seemed like a kind of a happy-go-lucky, happy-to-do-my-job kind of guy. And then he became more and more sinister doing the cartoon stuff.

Yeah, he was like, yeah, in Citizen Kane he was Bernstein. That's right, yeah, the accountant or something. And I, yes. What else would he be? And I think Orson Welles says at one point something like, Oh, Mr. Bernstein's apt to visit the nursery every now and again. You know something? Citizen Kane was one of those movies that it's a great film and also fun. Most great films aren't fun. No. But they didn't get it at the time. You can't say that about The Seventh Seal. What? films aren't fun. No.

But they didn't get it at the time. You can't say that about The Seventh Seal. No, not fun at all. It's a homework assignment. Now those Tracy episodes, weren't they pulled finally because of the racism? Oh, they had Joe, Joe, Joe.

They had Gogo Gomez. Gogo Gomez. Yes, yes. And there was an Irish cop. And it was Paul Freese. What's that? It was Paul Freese did the voices for those guys.

Oh, wow. There was an Irish cop named Hippo Calorie. Yeah, he would steal apples. What was his name? Hippo Calorie. Oh. Now, I think Paul Freese, a friend of mine said he was also very big in like, he did some famous science fiction. He did a lot of the trailers. Oh, yeah. He did a lot of me went, you know, the what was it the hideous sun demon? Oh, my God. Yes. And monster on campus, you know, By day, a professor. At night, you know, you just say, like, you know, a regular Dr. Gico and Mr. Hyde.

And I could see him riding home in his limousine that day, heading across the sign that says Beverly Hills. And he goes, Gico? That's good. Gico. He didn't care. He was a crime freak, Gilbert. He was? He was a crime freak.

He used to loan his big, giant, white Rolls Royce to the cops so they could hold more prisoners. Wow. He used to tag along with them. Imagine? Yeah. Yeah. Now, I want to get back to one other thing yes please the show must no longer wait more three students must no longer wait and i i of course have to

apologize because everyone who's listening now go oh wait a minute they were talking about dwight fry and then they changed. Yes, yes. They were talking about Howard Johnson in Times Square. Yes, they were talking about Jack Pierce's later years, and then all of a sudden they switched. Tell me some more about Noah Beery. No, not Noah Beery. Oh, my God.

Noah Blank. Noah Blank. Noah Blank about Noah Beery. No, not Noah Beery. Oh, my God. Noah Blank. Noah Blank. Noah Blank? Noah Blank. No, that's his son, Mel Blank's son. Oh, he's a nice guy. What do you know about him? What?

What do you know about his son? I do know that his son lived out in the Palisades. That's where he grew up, you know, when Mel was residing. They lived in Playa del Rey, and then they moved to the palisades that's where he grew up you know when mel was residing they lived in playa del rey and then they moved to the palisades and mel had a terrible accident on sunset boulevard that'll throw you into the campus at ucla but but anyway the son he just you know came onto his own he ran blank communications for a while and then then he, you know, he was just kind of taking it easy. I don't think he ever wanted that mantle of doing his job. We talked about that.

Yeah. So he became a helicopter pilot. And I guess one time he had, like, he had Kirk Douglas, who was the neighbor up there for years. Wow. Mel knew Kirk, and Jack Benny had Kirk on because he probably lived out there. But Kirk Douglas, you know what happened is the helicopter seized in midair and just kind of went flying downward. And for some reason, everybody lived.

But Noel Blank basically was happy. Yeah, he was. And you know where he lives, I guess? Bear Lake. Don't ask. I don't know. I've been there tonight. Noel Blank on the show.

Who, what? You'd like to have him? Yeah. Well, because you know what it is? He's a real gentleman, and he has nothing but respect for the old days and he has a lot of stories though and i have heard him being interviewed by a bare leg station when i was up there and i think and i think that that station at that hour is getting like you know a hundred times the listeners that I'm getting.

The volume, yeah. The guy who plows your walk is on the air. I think I've lost whatever listeners were here in the beginning. Oh, my God. I'm just loving this, you know. But I have to take a leak so bad I'm ready to hide it in the rug. I'm ready to hide it in the rug and then pour Perrier over it. That might be the wrap-up for this show.

I'd like to go longer, but Billy West has to take a leak. Yes, that's about it, you know? I mean, maybe all three of us, me, you, and Frank, can all outdo each other with how long we can go without peeing in our pants. It's dangerously close to the telephone. It's crazy. It's like an ass meeting here. You're not allowed to take a pee. Those cult meetings. Oh, not allowed to take a pee. It's a cult meeting.

Oh, that's funny. So, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. Are you sure about that? No, I'm not. The name is obscure enough that it just fits in with all the others. I'm Gilbert Gottfried. that it just fits in with all the others. I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and my co-host has been Frank Santopadre. That's right.

And in the future, people in outer space are going to hear this transmission, and they're going to learn to speak English from Frank Santopadre. Ironic. We learned your English from Frank Santopadre. Ironic. We learned your English from Frank Santopadre. How can you speak our language? We learned from Gilbert Gottfried.

Now do it as Paul Freed. Oh, God, I don't know what to say. People of the planet Earth. This has been fun, Bill. I'm supposed to wrap up the show. What are you supposed to do? You're not supposed to do anything. You don't have any protocol.

Admit it. Admit it. So I'm being told to wrap up the show. Okay, I get it. I don't want to wrap it up. For real this time. I don't want to wrap it up. For real this time. I don't want to wrap it up. Where are you?

What are you, in New Jersey or New York? We're at Gilbert's Kitchen Table. Yeah, which I happen to know used to be down in the Lower East Side or something. Lower West Side. No, no. Help me out, will you? I'm dying out here. It's cold out here along Gilbert.

You ought to know that. Freezing. So, so, so, I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm totally getting,

I'm gonna laugh. Did I mention I'm Gilbert Gottfried? I think you got that in. Yes. And this has been Thank Heaven. The Amazing Colossal Podcast. and this has been thank heaven the amazing colossal podcast