Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 119. Impractical Jokers

Episode Date: September 5, 2016

Gilbert and Frank welcome two stars of the wildly popular comedy series, "Impractical Jokers," Brian "Q" Quinn and Sal Vulcano, for an insightful and informative discussion of "Diff'rent Strokes," disappointing Batman villains, ugly babies, the dangers of hidden camera pranks and the genius of Chuck Barris. Also, the boys bash "Legends of the Superheroes," Sal acts out scenes from "The Jeffersons," Gilbert dines with Al Lewis and Q's nana dates Cesar Romero (!) PLUS: Denny Dillon! Rondo Hatton redux! Deconstructing the "Good Times" theme! The poetry of Max Gottfried! And Gilbert voices Mister Mxyzptlk! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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merchandise, personalized roasts, and shoutouts, advanced access to episodes or personal messages from me, Gilbert Gottfried. And if we raise enough, maybe I can finally get a new co-host. I'm thinking of the Scarlett Johansson robot. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, once again at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Furtarosa. Our guests this week are comedians, writers, and podcast hosts who met way back in Monsignor Farrell High School, right here in New York, and went on to co-star in the sketch and improvisational comedy troupe, The Tenderloins. After winning the $100,000 grand prize on NBC's It's Your Competition, they, along with fellow troupe members Joe Gatto and James Murray, launched the wildly popular TV series

Impractical Jokers. Now in its fifth season, their show, which the New York Times called gleefully idiotic, has not only inspired spin-off versions in such parts of the world as Greece, Brazil, Belgium, Mexico, and Sweden. But they recently returned from a sold-out arena tour in the UK, coming just a few months after a sold-out engagement at Radio City Music Hall. Please welcome to the podcast our two favorite members of the Impractical Jokers and also the only ones to accept our invite, Rosie O'Donnell's Dupelganger. Doppelganger.

I say Doppelganger Doppelganger I say Doppel Rosie O'Donnell's Doppelganger Brian Q. Quinn And Sal Ja Crispy Volcano I can't believe you did that off the top of your head Yeah

I just remembered it. Unbelievable. Wow. It's Volcano, isn't it? Volcano. Volcano. Volcano. Volcano.

Yeah. He's one of mine. Oh, okay. Smith. Now, we're starting with a sad announcement. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to be the one to tell them?

No, it's your show, man. Okay. With a heavy heart. It seems in the old show, Alf, the guy that played the furry alien creature was a midget, as I like to call him. The guy that played Alf. Yeah. The guy that played Alf. Didn't do the voice.

Just was inside the... Paul Fosco did the voice. That's frustrating. This was just the actor inside the... Oh, that's frustrating. This was just the actor inside the outfit. Yeah, the actor inside, the midget inside the outfit, which was known as Alf. Michu Meseros was his name. Gordon Shumway was Alf's real name. Correct.

From Melman. Remember the cartoon? Yeah, absolutely. But the cartoon? Yeah. But Masuki, whatever. Mishu. Mishu has sadly passed away of a heart attack. I believe a stroke. A stroke at 75 or 76.

Close enough. I do hope in the Oscars this year they have Alf in the memorial. Yeah, that would be good. They don't show his photo. They show the puppet. Alf, yeah. I never liked Alf. No? No.

I always thought it's like that they were making a puppet of a dog, and they fucked it up. So they said, let's change it to an alien. Yeah. That's an interesting theory. Yeah. And that's what put you off for the whole series. Yeah. It threw me.

You couldn't get over that. We also have to talk a little bit about The Jeffersons because I had our researcher, Paul Rayburn, called you to do a little pre-interview. Yes. And I got the material back. And the first thing I saw was that your favorite show and your influence growing up was The Jeffersons. That's right. Which was a pleasant surprise. Now, we, Frank and I interviewed James Caron,

who's an old character actor. If you look him up, you'll recognize him right away. He played in a very important Jeffersons, maybe one without the music at the end. Yes. Because he was so important. A white supremacist. I think I do remember.

He was Mr. Flutterman in Gremlins. Yes. One and two. Oh, no, that's Dick Miller. That's Dick Miller? Oh, what did you say? Oh, he was in Return of the Living Dead. Return of the Living Dead, James Cameron.

That's right. He was Frank the Gravedigger. Right. In one and two. Yes. They brought him back in the second one. And you guys grew up in New York. He was the Shoprite. Not Shoprite, Pathmark. That's right. He was In one and two. Yes. They brought him back in the second one. And you guys grew up in New York. He was the Shoprite.

Not Shoprite. Pathmark. That's right. He was the Pathmark. That's right. And so after he did that show. He got Pathmark. Yeah.

Yeah. Because he's on brand. Pathmark hates black people. Yeah. Not just black people. Actually, they don't like Jews either. They do not like Jews. Yeah.

They don't. The chairman of Pathmark. But their prices are. You can't beat them. they don't like Jews either. They do not like Jews. The chairman of PEDLOC. But their prices are, you can't beat them. You can't beat the prices. It's forgivable. We hate blacks and Jews, but we've got orange juice. Well, I'm a white Catholic, so I'm just going in for the savings. I don't need to worry about that stuff. So he played a white supremacist,

and I guess he did it so realistically that he was getting death threats and people weren't hiring him and they were threatening to kill him and blow up the studio. Yeah. Oh, wow. And Isabel Sanford and Sherman Hemsley had to escort him out of the building. They had to escort him to safety. He had to walk with the stars so that he wouldn't be... That show is a level of ignorance

that I can't believe exists. It just goes to show you how many fucking dopes are in the world that they can't make. A studio audience that are watching the scripted show took umbrage with his performance. But then eventually that are watching the scripted show. I think I got the story right. Took umbrage with his performance.

But then eventually, they really helped him out. They took a picture where they were all standing with their arms around each other, smiling. And the important ending, James Caron, who's the head white supremacist starts to uh have a seizure oh okay and he falls down to the ground and sherman helmsley performs mouth to mouth on now it's completely remembering yeah and and then when he says this man saved your life he goes you should have let me die, son. Yep. Yep.

Now, you used to act these scripts out for your family at the dinner table? Well, I did. I did. Not those. Not the heavy. I completely remember this episode now. The thing I love about the Jeffersons, too, is that, like, more so than any shows today, even though, like, they're in front of live studio audiences, you can feel, like, they

still feel, like, canned laughter. today, even though they're in front of live studio audiences, you can feel like they still feel like canned laughter. The Jeffersons or whatever the process was in the older sitcoms, you feel that audience watching that. It's almost like they're watching a play and it's not cut up so much because you, I mean, there was, you could tell they're listening and watching that exact thing. Interesting. You know what I mean?

But yeah, I remember that one. So I used to watch the Jeffersons all the time because it was on from like 75 to like mid-80s and they used to replay it on Channel 11 every night and I used to watch them. I used to live with my grandparents. Me and my grandpa used to watch it and just howl laughing at it.

So I would memorize, I would like write down like some scenes and then I would perform them at dinner for them and I would play all the characters. But it was more like the lighthearted scenes. Not the very special episodes. No, not the very special. It was more like when George and Florence would go at each other

and rip on each other and stuff. Oh, can you act out a scene for us now? Yeah, I could probably remember one. Okay. I mean, it'll be short. I don't know if I can do a whole scene. That's fine. I remember one specific... I remember one specific I remember one specific

jab back and forth between Florence and George George you know I don't know if you didn't watch the show George was Florence was the housekeeper in Maine and George and her had a peculiar rapport If you didn't watch the show, George was, Florence was the housekeeper. Marla Gibbs. Marla Gibbs.

Yeah. And George and her had a peculiar rapport where George was, he loved her, but he was basically always unsatisfied with her. And to his, to play devil's advocate, she wasn't a good maid on the show. No. That was the whole shtick. So they would always take verbal jabs at each other. And I remember one time George said, Florence, you're cooking tastes like dog food.

And then she came back with a classic Florence retort. Yeah. You're supposed to do a Sherman Helmsley. So he'd be like, oh, I used to walk like him too. I used to also do these in third grade. I used to come into third grade and then do them in front of the class. Oh, geez. But, I mean, you know, I've lost a step. grade. I used to come into third grade and then do them in front of the class. Oh, jeez. But, I mean, you know, I've lost a step.

Yeah. Admittedly. Florence, you're cooking tastes like dog food. And then she said, that's because I'm cooking for a chihuahua. Not bad. And we laughed and laughed. You know. Oh, that's funny.

We've done 110 shows and no one's ever done a Marla Gibbs impression. I was going to say, when I was a kid, my uncle and I would act out the different strokes episode where Dudley got molested in the bike shop. I was Dudley. Yeah, he played the bike shop owner. It was great. I don't really remember the dialogue. He put you in leopard underwear and stuff.

Now, I remember working with a director who told me he used to direct The Jeffersons. And one time he was out having lunch and he was walking back to the studio and a limo passes by. And the window goes down and smoke is coming out of it. And Sherman Helmsley is there and he says, hey, want to lift back to the studio? And he goes, sure. And he gets in and he's smoking a hash pipe or smoking crack. He might have been smoking crack.

Allegedly. And so the director says to him, he goes, hey, should you be doing that? You know, we have to film today. And he goes, I got to kiss her twice in this episode. Oh, man. Oh, that's great. Did you really hear that story? Yes. Oh, man. Oh, that's great. Did you really hear that story? Yes.

Oh, man. I like the variable, too. It's either hash or crack. One or the other. Oh, that's funny. I like that he has to smoke crack to get through two kisses. And since he's such a Jefferson's aficionado, tell him the Paul Benedict story because that's good, too. Oh, my God.

Bentley. I've met Paul Benedict. Yes. Okay. them the Paul Benedict story because that's good too. Oh, my God. Bentley. I've met Paul Benedict. Yes. Okay. The late Paul Benedict. He was one years ago doing a play. And when he got off stage, someone said, oh, some doctor wants to come over and talk to you. And he thought, oh, he wants an autograph or something.

And he meets, oh, he wants an autograph or something. And he meets the doctor, and the doctor says, I was watching you on stage, and I think you might have acromegaly. And that's that disease that Rondo Hatton had. You guys know Rondo Hatton? You'll know him after this. Yeah. You will recognize him. You've seen his mask.

The creeper. Is this like a gigantism type of disease? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So his features are big and his hands and feet and legs, they look like, you know, like Frankenstein. Right. Yeah.

And he says, I think you might have acromegaly. And he examined him and sure enough, he did. Wow. Did you ever see The Rocketeer? The movie The Rocketeer? You're a superhero guy. Oh, the old Disney movie? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So, of course. The guy is made up. The big goon, the bruiser. Oh, that's him? Well, it's made up to look like him. He's made up to look like the way this guy looks in real life. I swear to God, if you look up Rondo Hatton, you will recognize seeing masks of him on every Halloween in store windows.

Rocketeer was dope. That was a good movie, man. I've recommended it on this show. Was that Jennifer Connelly? Jennifer Connelly, Billy Campbell, and Alan Arkin. Yeah. Oh, Jennifer Connelly's a Jew. Okay, good.

Get that out there. I used to be a toll collector at the Brooklyn Battery Towers for a summer one year, and she would come through every other day. She would come through, and I was like, I just fell in love with her every goddamn time. So sweet, so nice, so beautiful.

And there I was. Insane body. Yeah, I noticed that too. Because I had the advantage of, like, I was standing and she was sitting. I didn't want to say that until you brought it out, but yeah. I have a movie recommendation for you. The Hot Spot. Yes! She and another hot-looking girl are lying

out on the beach naked. I think it's Virginia Madsen. I've seen the clip online. Yeah. By a lake, right? Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I saw Requiem for a Dream. I love that movie. The first time I saw her was in saw Requiem for a Dream. I love that movie. Now, the first time I saw her was in that movie with Frank Whalen. I think it's called Opportunity.

Oh, Opportunity, yes. She's wearing the white tank top and she's riding that ride. John Hughes movie, I think. Jesus Christ Almighty. So what else did you guys watch? You grew up here. You're local guys. You grew up in Staten Island.

What did you watch as kids besides the – I know you're a fan of the old Batman. That became like a religion for me at a certain point. And then I loved it. I was obsessed as a child. And that's what got me into comics was the old Batman series. The M. West Batman. Absolutely. A hundred percent.

And I'm a huge, like, that's my thing is comics. And when they re-released it, I think two years ago, finally they got the rights. Oh, finally. It came out on Blu-ray. They couldn't get the rights for Blu-ray for years and years. I've watched the series through about three times. They look good in Blu-ray, don't they? You can't even believe what you're seeing. You see the seams

on the costumes. I know. I love it. And I didn't realize how much of a comedy it was as a kid. You must have seen it in like 20th run. You're much younger than we are. You must have seen it in... Well, sure. I was born in 76, so I guess Channel 11 ran it in the 80s. Now, are you familiar with the legend of the Joker from Batman?

Cesar Romero? Yes. What legend? I have a story about him, but what legend? Okay. Well, I don't know if I've ever told this one on the show before, but Cesar Romero- This is our greatest hit. He was famous for being a Latin lover on screen.

And in real life, he was gay. And what he was into was gathering up these young boy toys, and he would pull down his pants and underwear, and according to legend, they would fling orange wedges at his ass. That's so specific. It's a legend. Some people have argued it's tangerine wedges. Another guy

said he would stand It's allegedly orange wedges. Ankle deep in warm water as they were throwing orange wedges It sounds like an inside oil posse bus. I don't know when you wake up one day and go Hey hey, you know what would feel good? I just want to leave here having an understanding of this.

Don't send me out the door right now with just this amount of information. Don't say the show's not educational, Sal. Is there something that I'm not aware of? What does that ankle deep in warm water do? God, what does orange wedges against your ass do? Oh, you don't know that one? It gives your ass vitamin C. Oh, absolutely.

Now, we'll get right back to this, but I have to talk about a story. Wait a minute. He's got a secret. I can't believe you wrote it. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not ready to move on. No, no.

I'm not ready to move on. Well, hold on, because my story might complement this one. We'll get right ready to lie. Well, hold on, because my story might compliment this one. We'll get right back there. You might have just blown a guy in Albuquerque. You might have just blown the lid off one of my grandmother's stories because she told me, my grandmother on my father's side, as a young woman worked at Ellis Island. Oh.

And Cesar Romero, before he became famous, worked there with her. Wow. And she told me she dated him for a summer. So now. This is a scoop. Tell me that old bitch lied to me. Well, either she lied to you or she was throwing orange wedges at his ass. Okay.

In warm water. She had bursitis. Oh, man. I will tell you that old bitch lied to me. Yeah. I like the idea of her throwing orange wedges. Now that you mention it, there was a lot of citrus around the house. Wow.

It stunk of orange juice. Wow, because I always watched the show and was like, that could have been my grandfather. But now I have mixed emotions about it. Where were you going with this? I just wanted a sidetrack for a second that I heard when the impractical jokers check into a hotel, there is. I can't wait to hear what you're about to say next. There is a one practical joke you play on one of the members where they're distracted. Can you tell us?

This is on Sal. This is Joe on Sal. This is something Joe did to me. I don't even want to. It hasn't happened in a long while. It hasn't happened in, I want to say, two years. But it happened plenty the first two years. We've been touring for four years.

Yes. Post-show, we've been touring. He would. Okay. We would distract Sal. When we check in, they would. You never think. Your head is not here when you're checking into a hotel.

You're getting off the thing. You're getting your luggage together. You're waiting. Maybe the room's ready. Maybe it's not, whatever. They would distract me. Joe would get my keys to my room, and he would race up to my room in that moment while I was being distracted and thought I was waiting on my room. being distracted and thought I was waiting on my room.

And he would turn the heat up as high as it can go and then take a shit in the toilet, leave it there and come back out and leave the heat on and the shit in the toilet. And then they used to give me my keys and I would swing the door open and it felt like someone threw shit at me on the equator. That's what it would have kind of felt like. And he got me like seven or eight times

over the course of two years. Because just when it leaves you, just when you forget about it. And let me tell you, that's a tainted room right there. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Baseball is finally back.

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Since we're talking about stunts, and I guess that's sort of considered a punishment, although it's not part of the show. Was there a stunt that got you guys in trouble with Homeland Security? Oh, I'll let Q take this one. Well, it wasn't so much, really. We shot down at the, not City Hall. Battery Park. Battery Park.

They have the Indian Museum over there. Right, right. You could say Indian. And it was, they have the two statues. The Indian Museum. I don't know. It's the Native American Museum. And there was these two statues. And in a bit, Sal just ran up there and we stupidly decided, just grab that Indian's nose off the statue.

So he goes, got your nose. Somebody came over and was like, hey, you guys shouldn't be on the statue. And that was the end of that. But we spun into this thing where Homeland Security got furious about it and wrote this letter saying, hey, what you guys did isn't cool because that's a national landmark and you guys are on TV, and if you do that, other people will do it.

Have some responsibility. Also, we're going to fine you. We need you to come in for basically a court hearing about it. And it was all fake. We hired an actress. We wrote the letter. I see. They hired an actress.

They hired a whole team. Yeah. It was a floor of Homeland Security. It was where they shoot Law & Order. Those offices. We took over those offices and populated it with actors playing lawyers and stuff like that. And Sal came in and we hid cameras in there. We called them on like, had this woman and we told her

like, be a bitch to him. And we knew he couldn't come back at her too hard. So he sat there with the frustration on his face while she did it. Said she was going to fine him. Said she was going to... This carried on for months. Months. I was getting letters to my home. $100,000 fine. Six months

in prison. All this stuff. And I went there and I thought I was going to settle it that day. And she's like, yeah, this is not going to be settled right now. And they kept it going and going and going. And we we were going to pull the the permit to shoot impractical jokers in new york city if you don't comply so he had to comply interesting it was great yeah and that so for like six months i thought that this is not the normal routine on the show the normal routine is just very much more simple interactions with people in the public. So this was a little bit in depth.

So it wasn't on my radar that they were doing something like this. Were you slapped once by a woman? Yes, I was. Because I think Gilbert would actually enjoy this one. On the show or in real life? On the show. Because I requested in real life. I don't want to get too personal.

In the pilot, it never aired because we were still figuring out the tone of the show. Right. And in the show, we don't really get too mean. It's more about we want to mortify each other. It's collateral reactions from people. That's one of the charms of the show is that you guys have an affection for each other and it doesn't get mean-spirited. Hopefully, yeah, by design. But when we were first figuring out, we shot the pilot, and I sat next to a woman who had a newborn infant in the park,

and I struck up a conversation with her. And then they told me to turn to her and say, if I just be honest with you it's a very ugly child and so I turned to this woman this young mother oh she was gorgeous five minutes I'm like you know and I I should have not said it but I told her that the baby I was like you know it's an ugly baby and I was like, you know, it's an ugly baby. And she said, excuse me. I said, the baby is an ugly baby. And she, she hold off. She hit my face so hard that it spun and spit flew out of it. And it was like a raging bull.

Her handprint was on my face. Wow. And I was just like in complete shock. And, but she had a good sense of humor about it. She was fine. Yeah. And I was just like in complete shock. But she had a good sense of humor about it. She was fine, yeah, yeah. And she was so pretty. She was so beautiful. Like stunning.

I mean, we remember her five years ago. I was like, oh my God. She had a French accent, remember? Yeah. Oh, God. But I got choked once by a war vet. Because I cut him in line. So we went to, you ever see the TKTS ticket booth in Times Square?

It's where tourists in New York, because they line up at like noon because at three o'clock, a box office opens up. It represents all the theaters and you get tickets at half price for that day. So thousands of people line up and they wait three hours on this line,

three hours plus. So we had to think, okay, we're all going to go there and see who can cut the line the deepest in and get you know and cut the most of the line and so we all took turns and i cut in front of this guy with his family he was an older gentleman big guy white haired gentleman and uh he was like you know you know what are you doing and i'm like oh nothing nothing you know and he's like no no get out of the line we We were here first. I'm like, oh, yeah.

I'm just making believe I don't understand him or whatever. And he's like, like, what is going on? And he's like, I'm going to tell you right now. Get out. Get off the line. And I was like, oh, thanks. It's great to see you. Meet you. You know what I mean?

And so he calls security over. And security comes over and goes, what's the issue? And he goes, this guy just cut us in line. We've been waiting for hours. I want him out of the line. I turned to security. Because if I get kicked out, I lose. So I turned to security. I said, he's just messing with you. It's my crazy uncle. We've been waiting for hours. I want him out of the line. I turn to security. Because if I get kicked out, I lose. So I turn to security.

I said, he's just messing with you. It's my crazy uncle. We're a family. I'm with them. And the guy got incensed. He goes, what are you, some kind of nut? And I said, no. He goes, something wrong with you?

I said, no. Tell him. Tell him. Tell him that we're family and you're just joking around. And the guy, I just saw him. I saw a switch flip. And he shoved the security guard away and lunged at me. And just started choking I just saw him. I saw a switch flip, and he shoved the security guard away, lunged at me, and just started choking me by the neck.

And his whole family got in between, and he just would have let me go. And I was like, oh, my God, oh, my God. And then it turns out he was, of course, a war vet, and he just didn't take any shit. The wrong guy to fuck with on this line. But again, that doesn't happen too often. I was going to ask that question. I mean, how often do you guys actually feel fear for your

safety? Not really. I actually have two broken ribs right now from a guy who tackled me while we were shooting about three weeks ago. What happened? We're having, it's for our live show. We tour as a live show. Gilbert, you saw us on the cruise. Or you didn't see us, but you knew we did, right? Oh, yeah. I was on your the Impractical Cruise.

That's right, how you guys hooked up. Yeah. So we shoot videos just for the live shows and one of them was we're gonna have a creep off contest to see who could be creepiest and I wore one of those ghillie suits

that snipers wear so you're like you know it's a bush and there was a little league game playing and the idea was I was gonna creep as close to the pitcher's mound as I can get

on this little league game and it was going fine it was growing great. The coach came out. He was pissed, which I understand because you don't know who the hell I am under the thing and what I have on me. He starts kicking dirt on me. And then I got up and I start going, I'm a bush.

It's okay. I'm just a bush. You don't see me. You don't see me. And I started darting to the infield and he shoves me and I recovered and took off again and he just full on tackled me and I went down so hard and I was like, God, this hurts. And I went to the doctor.

I have two, possibly three broken ribs from a guy who slipped out. Wow. Occupational hazard. I remember. I got, you invited me on the impractical joker. Yeah. Well, you're one of our heroes, man. Oh, thank you.

That is true. That's just sad. Yeah. No, it wasn't. They were like, our manager came to us and was like, make a dream list of comedians that you want on the cruise. And Gilbert was one of the first ones that we came up with. He was the only one that said yes from that list. So we were pretty excited.

We were pretty excited. Right away, too. Right away. Almost as if he was waiting for the call. Was there food? There was free food. I remember meeting you too on the, this is terrific. I was like,

oh, hello. Oh, because I had met you a little bit before the cruise backstage at another comedy show, but I don't know if you remember that, but when I met you on the cruise, I was like, oh my goodness. Even just hearing you read that intro that we had, it's crazy to me. Yeah.

It's like, for us, it's iconic. You're iconic. So I digress. But when I met you on the cruise, I was like, oh, and you had a documentary you were filming. Oh, yes, yes. I hope that went. It's going well.

Still going well. I was like, oh, hello. Thank you so much, blah, blah, blah. And the first thing you said to me was, is there any way I could do less time? And I said, oh, well, you know, I don't know what the contract says, but whatever you think, how much less time? He's like, I just want to enjoy the group.

I'm thinking he has to do an hour, and I said, how much less time? Like, you know, he's like, I just want to enjoy the cruise. I'm thinking he has to do an hour. And I said, how much less time? Like 45? This isn't even for me to, I don't know. I go, how much less time? 45? He's like, if I can do 10 to 15 minutes, that would be great. It was so funny because our manager was like, this has to be a family-friendly cruise.

Like, you know, Is Gilbert family-friendly? And we're like, yeah, he's the parrot. He's the duck. He's the best. Gilbert gets on stage, and within two seconds, he's doing a joke about Nipsey Russell sucking down gum. And my manager's looking at me like, what the fuck? Oh, is he wrong with you guys?

And we're like, but it's Gilbert Godfrey. We love him. And then I'm like, of course, anything Gilbert wants, right? so I'm like okay I'll have someone talk to you and we'll figure it out I just want this is all in the first 40 seconds and then he goes yeah I just

don't want to be on the boat he's like Nipsey Russell sucking a cock he turned to the newest comedian that was booked on that boat, my friend JF, who's a young comedian who had a couple of 15-minute slots. He says, you want to open for me in two and a half hours? Tim.

That's him. That's him. That was great. I was like, this couldn't have gone better. It was perfect. You know what I mean? It's exactly what I need. But you got into it because then you were just like, this couldn't have gone better. It was perfect. You know what I mean? It's exactly what I need. But you got into it because then you were just like, you just wandered into other people's

podcasts. There was my buddy Brian Johnson was hanging out with you and we booked podcasts and Gilbert just went backstage. He wasn't scheduled. The people hosting the podcast didn't know. Gilbert just walks on stage and sits down at the table 30 minutes into the show. He did that with us too at Legion of Skies. Oh, my God.

It was so funny. I just crashed the show. And that was it. They loved it, though. Everybody loved it. It was great. I love you selling your manager on the idea that he's family friendly. Yeah, well, no.

It's Tiago, man. Kids are going to love him. He'll do the voice. What's the Nipsey Russell bit? My manager's like, does anybody even know who Nipsey Russell is? During our podcast, he tried to seduce a child in the front row by offering to introduce him to old actors. Do you remember this? Yes.

Yes. He was dangling an old actor carrot in front of like a seven-year-old kid. He's like, come on with me backstage. I'll introduce you to. I said, hey, you want to meet Captain Kangaroo? That's so funny. I'm good friends with Captain Jack McCarthy. You guys are too young to remember Captain Jack McCarthy.

No, I don't remember him at all. Oh, that's funny. But it was exactly what we wanted. Right. The whole thing was perfect. All right, so you're a fan. I told you I had a surprise for you. You may already know this.

You're a Superman fan. Oh, my God, yeah. You're big time into Superman. Look at this. He's got a tattoo, Gil, on his arm. He's got the Superman insignia. Oh, that's so sad. Yeah, yeah. Me and Joey Fatone his arm. He's got the Superman insignia. Oh, that's so sad. Yeah, yeah.

Me and Joey Fatone have this. It's great. You shack Bon Jovi and Joey Fatone. Did you know that he did a voice? The boys know this? Yeah. No. You're about to be even more impressed.

Oh, I know. Mr. Mixoplex. Yes. I knew that. Yeah, of course. On the one that, what's his name? Tim Daly. Yeah, yeah.

He was Superman and Clark Kent. Yeah, yeah. And I was Knick Knack, the crazed toy inventor, on that afternoon Superboy. Yeah, the syndicated Superboy. Oh, okay. I remember the series. I don't remember the episodes. There you go. Yeah, I remember you and Mixleplex. I do rememberboy. Oh, okay. I remember the series. I don't remember the episodes. There you go.

Yeah, I remember you were Mixleplix. I do remember that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that series was good. Oh, nice. Do you have even more respect for him now? I couldn't possibly have any more for him, but yeah. And I co-wrote a super...

Is there any way to leave the boat now and still get paid? the boat now and still get paid. Basically, I do not want to see you, any of you, again after this very moment. What a career that you, not only do you do that, but your love's for it. You know what I mean? That you're like, yes, he doesn't want to see us. He doesn't want to do what we hired him for. I've never heard of you, actually. My wife books everything. This was a huge mistake. She was like, you remember with the four fat idiots that talk to each other?

And he's like, I don't know. I went to shake his hand. He gave me his breakfast plate. I was like, no, it's my cruise. It's my cruise. Oh, great. You're just the person I wanted to talk to. This was a huge mistake.

Hilarious. How long did you stick it out? How long did you stay on the cruise? You went the whole cruise. Yes. You had a blast. We had a blast. We went to...

And all of that is true. I'm sure. We went to Mexico. We went to Mexico. Yeah. I said, Gilbert, this is my mom. He said, oh, great. Is there any way I can do less time?

To my mother. Oh, man. He hits my mother. That's great. My mom's like, oh, yeah, I don't know what he's talking about. Does your mother know who he was? Yeah, she knew who he was. She's like, sure. That's funny.

Oh, my goodness. I'm sweating so much I'm laughing so hard. Here's another question about the show Or we could just mock Gilbert For the rest of the hour Did you guys do a stunt That caused a woman to call 911 No, that didn't make air That's a credit card one Did you guys do a stunt that caused a woman to call 911? No, no, no.

That didn't make air. That's a credit card one. Was it that one or was that the child playground one? That didn't make air either. Someone called 911. We had three calls to 911 in the tenure of the show. One, I was a supermarket checkout person, and they told me to take this woman's credit card, take a photo of it with my phone, and give it back to her.

And I told her it was just for informational purposes, and I put the phone in my pocket, and she flipped out. She called the cops. Another time, we were on the beach. We were playing beach patrol, and what we would do is we'd find people who were sleeping on the beach, and we'd hover over their face and, like, crotch down, like, crouch over them. So, like, our balls were kind of near their face. And we'd wake them up and go, excuse me. But when we did it, like, our crotch was right near their face. And one guy called the cops on us for that.

And then another time we were in a children's playground, and we were without children. And the goal was to baby talk to adults. You know how they speak to you? Well, I saw you throw the tantrum in the toy store. Yeah, that was another one. Yeah, that was good. Trying to get parents to buy us a toy as an adult. But they just all thought we were challenged adults

and that didn't work. Sometimes they don't land. So what we did was in order to talk to the parents, like, oh, you know, we said, oh, an easy way to do it would be start that way with the kid and then transfer the conversation to the parents. But we never even thought it out. We didn't think that we were in the park without children. And then we were going up to the kids going, hello, little man. Before we could even go to the parents, the cops were there.

We're lucky, though. Like, all three times. All three, times, the cops were fans of the show. And we're like, guys, we love the show. Don't just get out of here. We know you're not doing anything wrong. So it was pretty good. I was fond of Sal and the dentist office. Where you kept trying to get the guy to say, oh, no, you didn't.

Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, yeah, yeah. The dentist was one of my favorite things. Well, the chair thing is just something I love. I raised him up in a chair. So we played dentists. So it's a challenge. The first thing you have to do is find a dentist to let you do this.

I was going to ask you, yeah. That's a big task. That's hard enough. And then you find a guy who's like, you know, just some fast and loose dentist that's like, ah, come on in. It sounds great. And then we're taking patients as a dentist before you know it. Now, here's the thing.

We like to learn a couple of words, a couple of things to just establish even the slightest bit of credibility for a minute or two. Because otherwise, if they're suspicious within the first second, it doesn't work. So the dentist came in and it was a brand new office state-of-the-art everything and they gave us a five-minute briefing on oh this is this tool this does this this does this here's a couple of key words and they said this is a brand new state-of- the-art chair so the guy i went first the guy came in and uh and i get him in the chair and they said just put put the chair up like put him in the chair and put him down and the chair up. So I hit the thing.

Well, this $20,000 state-of-the-art chair, I didn't realize, it went nine feet in the air. And it also flipped so that his feet were almost completely up and his head was almost completely down. So I put him up. First his head went all the way down to the floor and his feet up. And then I raised him up and he went about nine feet in the air. His feet were touching the ceiling and his head, he was upside down.

I almost fell back. And that little, that bib that's on you is just flopping over his face. And he keeps moving it to talk to Sal. Yeah. You see him just like going up and he keeps going, keeps going, keeps going and then I just lost my shit. I laughed right in front of him. I had to walk out of the room. What kind of challenge is it to get a professional

like a dentist to take part in something like this? Is there... In the beginning it was harder. A lot of... Now it's fans of the show. Okay. Oh, I see. We can cast out a net now and say... We'll put it on Facebook, right? In the beginning we had no crew and we didn't... We had to learn how to make a TV show. In the beginning, we had no crew.

We had like eight people. Now there's like 50 people. In the beginning, I think there was eight. Eight, and that included us calling for locations. So we would call ourselves on the phone and be like, hi. So it was guerrilla TV at the beginning. Now you've got writers now. We have writers.

We have a bunch of guys who most of them are friends we've known for years. Guys, a lot of them are Staten Island guys. They sort of grew up with the same attitude. Some of them even went to the same high school as us. So we try and keep the continuity of our, you know, specific point of view in it. But, you know, we still write for the show too, but it's a lot of work. Now, if I can take you out of this for one second. On Good

Times, I imagine you probably like Good Times if you like The Jeffersons. I have Good Times trivia for you. Now, do you remember the episode where the father on Good Times dies? John Amos.

Wasn't that one of the last episodes? I think it was when they wrote him out of the show. Yeah, they wrote him out of the show. Contract dispute. They write it that the character dies. And the wife. Esther Rolle.

Esther Rolle. Florida Evans. Is being the brave widow and keeping the family together and acting like it doesn't bother her until the very end of the show when she's washing a bowl and she's... I know what you're about to do. Go ahead. Go ahead, do it. Go ahead.

Is it damn? Yeah. Damn! Damn, damn, damn, damn! Is that it? Is that it? That's it. That's it.

Yeah. Damn, damn, damn! Yeah, and that was like the credits went up silent. Because there's a line in my trivia question. Okay, well, let's see. Frankie, you'll cue up what you want. There's a line in the song that no one knows what it is. I know what it is. Is it the one that sounds like hanging in a john?

That is the one. Okay. Yeah, because that's what I thought it was when I was a kid. Then I realized it made no sense. What is it? Well, you want to listen and try and guess? Are you going to play the music? Do we have good times?

I got it right here. Oh. We do. It comes with trivia. The mystery will be solved. It will be solved. Put to rest. Good times. Good times. It will be solved. Put to rest. Good times.

Anytime you need a payment. Good times. Anytime you meet a friend. Good times. Anytime you're out for Monday. Not getting hassled. Not getting hustled. Keeping your head above water.

Making a wave when you can. Temporary layoffs. Good times. Great fucking theme song, by the way. That's great, isn't it? It still sounds like hanging in a john all these years later. It still doesn't make any sense. So, what is it? I mean, do you just want me to reveal it? Yes.

Any guess at all? You know, I knew and then I forgot. Yeah. I feel like it's going to be anticlimactic. No, no. Go ahead. Hanging in a chow to be anticlimactic. No, no. Go ahead. Hanging in a chow line. Hanging in a chow line.

Wow. I don't think I did know that. There were two other ones that I knew, but that no one knew. Well, one was way back, Car 54. Cruise shifts doing Idlewild. Yeah. Idlewild. Do you know that show? Oh, sure.

Scout troop short a child, Khrushchev doing Idlewild. He's doing Idlewild, which was the previous name of JFK Airport. Yeah, yeah, it was the airport up there. And both those lines, Scout troop short a child and doing Idlewild, and they both would mess it up. You got it, Frankie? Here you go.

There's a holdup in the Bronx. Brooklyn's broken out in fights. There's a traffic jam in Harlem that's backed up to Jackson Heights. There's a Scout Troop Short a Child. Cruise ships do an Idle While. Car 54, where are you? See? Very good.

It was actually, there's a Scout Troop, Short of Child, the one that no one knew. Oh, really? Yeah. Scout Troop, Short of Child. Written by Charlotte Ray's husband. Yes. Yes. Mrs. Garrett.

And on Old in the Family, the line no one knew was G-R-O-L-A-S-A-L-E-N-G-R-A-T. I knew that. They made Jean Stapleton re-record it twice. Yes. Because people wrote in in season one and said they got frustrated. And then it became awful. And then she enunciated it the third time. And I remember it because then he goes, G-R-O-L-S-O-U-L-D-R-A-T-E.

Grandpa Al Lewis had a comedy club on Staten Island. We're still on Staten Island, Sal. And he had a comedy club on Staten Island called The Grandpas. Oh, sure. And he would hang out there. This is when we were in high school. I couldn't even legally drink, and I would go, and he wouldn't give a shit.

And he was just- Yeah, they had, like, non-drink night. No like no but i went me and toots would go and they were just and like he was a fucking lunatic oh my god yes oh you knew oh right yeah i used to go to those brunches that al goldstein from screw would throw these brunches and I would quite often sit next to Al Lewis. Oh, he was great. And he would wear like western clothes. Yeah, he had a bolo tie. Oh my God, yeah, he would wear that to the

club. That's so funny. And like these western shirts and he'd smoke this horrible cigar. He had a comedy not a comedy club, excuse me. He had an Italian restaurant on Bleecker Street here. Did he? I didn't know that. Oh wow a comedy, not a comedy club, excuse me, he had an Italian restaurant on Bleecker Street. Here. Did he?

I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, wow, I did not know that. Yeah, he wasn't at the instead on all the time, but we would go and he'd be there sometimes and he'd be a trip, man.

Interesting dude. Ran for mayor. Is that right? Yeah. Did you know that? No. Yeah. You have such a

silky, chocolatey voice. It's unbelievable. I could listen to you read the phone book. You sell, I'm flattered. We could send to you read the phone book. Thank you, Sal. I'm flattered. We could send you a recording of the voice and you could jerk off. Yeah, yeah.

Or that too. Do you go around? Do you listen to yourself? Do you hear it when you speak? Because I hear myself. I have horrible diction. I'm self-conscious about it. I'm a jumble.

You're self-conscious about your perfect voice? Well, thank you. You know, you always find the flaws. I don't get it. What are you guys laughing at? I don't get it. When you get into, like, let's say a fight with your wife,

how do you... Fuck you, bitch! But it's hysterical. She's cursed out by a pirate. They fuck you in the drive-thru. It's just like, oh, look at them. You know what I mean?

How do you take that serious? Oh, my goodness. What do you want me to ask? I can ask Q about. Yes, you do. Sounds like you. I want to ask him about. Can I say something?

Yeah, go ahead. It's your show. At the risk of being sentimental, there was that episode where you throw Murr off a plane. Yes. Oh, the cry diving. So Murr is thrown off a plane, screaming for his life, crying. And my son, Max, who was six years old, saw that. And he said, I want to be a skydiver from watching that episode.

And he wrote this poem, my six-year-old son, Skydiving by Max Gottfried. Into the plane, flying like birds, my favorite part, jump out, fall down, flip, fall, and it is scary. Falling, spinning like a tornado. It's not safe. Only for grown-ups. Exciting, elated, ecstatic. Jump out.

Woosh, fall, bump. Well, that is one shit poem, huh? Doesn't your son know that poems are supposed to rhyme? What the hell is that? What are you teaching these kids? Well, I kind of dig the ominous ending. The ending is very ominous. Yes. And he dies at the end.

Yeah. Let's get Max on the horn. Bump. Bump, yeah. That's what we were hoping was going to happen to Murray at the end of that episode. Unfortunately, the parachute opened. That is unbelievable that he wrote that from seeing our show. He's six?

He's six, and he knows words like elated and ecstatic. He was watching and practicing. Of course, I'm kidding. It was mediocre, at least. Oh, wow. And he did all the artwork around it, too, which you're leaving out. Impressive. That is unbelievable.

All right, here's something for Q. At six he's writing? Yes. Because you're into comic books and superheroes. Okay. I was shitting in my hand and throwing it at six. Six, I saw you do it last week. Old habits die hard.

Superhero fan that you are. Yeah. Gilbert and I do a mini episode of this show on Thursday where we don't have guests. It's just the two of us riffing on shit. Right. And we devoted an episode to something from the 70s called the Legends of the Superheroes. Okay.

Comedy roast. Are you familiar with this? Is this when they were dressed in costume? Yes. Yeah. I don't remember exactly, but I've seen clips of it. It's like they're dressed as superheroes, like, doing it, right? Yes, it's truly dreadful. Yeah, is it bad? Oh, my.

This ghetto man. Yeah. It's the worst thing you've ever seen. Oh, my God. It is scary. They had them in years ago. My comic shop, Secret Stash, sold bootleg copies of it, and we watched it. And it's a weird set, right?

It was produced by Hanna-Barbera. It looks like it's made for $2. Yeah, that's it. Adam West's in it. Oh, God. I forgot all about that. And then they bring in these comics, like Charlie Callis and comics from the 70s. Was it a proper roast?

No, it was like goofy. Oh, it's hard. Yeah. But they had like Hawkman. It's jaw-dropping. It was like, as I recall, the roast was like stone. Yeah, hosted by Ed McMahon. Yeah, dude. Oh, wow. Solomon Grundy's. Yeah, hosted by Ed McMahon. Yeah, dude.

Oh, wow. Solomon Grundy's in it. And he was just grunge, right? Yeah, I remember that. And then what is it that won? Is that part of it? There's one where, like, I think Batman and Robin, Solomon Grundy. That's part one.

That's the Legends of the Superheroes. Yeah. It's a two-parter Yeah He's at a gas station And he It's the clumsiest Fight scene

And they have like A laugh track right Yeah It's just awful And then Batman and Robin Just kind of walk away From the fight Because they had no money

For special effects It's got to be on YouTube I got to look it up It's truly awful It's something Walt definitely has a copy of it I'll get it for you I remember we awful. Walt definitely has a copy of it. I'll get it for you.

I remember we watched it. God, this is 15 years ago. So it was for TV. Yes. Yes, in primetime. Okay. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was a thing.

Oh, one of the greatest compliments I've ever gotten. We were interviewing Adam West, and Adam West said to me, he goes, you know, you would have made a great penguin. You would have made... I mean, the Fergus Meredith is hard to go against, but you would have been great. He was so thrilled. Oh, yes. Do you guys remember the Batman episode? Nobody ever recalls this one, and I just think it's like the

best one for the wrong reasons. It'd be a shot. Nora Clavicle? Sure, that's the third season when the show jumped the shark. Oh, God. Well, Batgirl ruined that show as far as I'm concerned, but holy crap. Did you ever hear about... Is that the one where she ties them in the human knot? Sure, that's the third season when the show jumped the shark. Oh, God. Well, Batgirl ruined that show as far as I'm concerned. But holy crap. Did you ever hear about that? Is that the one where she ties them in the human knot? No, it was the one where this is Nora Clavicle's style.

You're going to love this. Her plan was to make a bomb out of mice. Oh, it's the Pied Piper thing with the mice. They leave the mice out of Gotham City. They fire all the male police officers, and they hire only women with the idea that they're going to be scared of mice. They leave the mice out of Gotham City. They fire all the male police officers. And they hire only women with the idea that they're going to be scared of mice. But it's the most sexist thing in the world because crime is just going rampant. Because there's a sale at Macy's and all the cops are going to Macy's.

That's all it is. Oh, jeez. And the bombs come in and there are little mice going. And they're all on the police cars screaming. It's fucking amazing. It's season three when they ran out of money. Yeah. The sets were gone.

It was horrible. They would just basically do things over a black backdrop. Season three was a nightmare. I didn't like Batgirl. I thought she was just- It's pretty unwatchable. I remember them walking up the side. They always did that phony walking up the side of the wall that even when you were two,

you said, oh, they just turned the camera over. What? Nora Clavicle. And one time, the window opened up and Jerry Lewis popped out. Sure. And I remember. Well, they had all those cameras. Yeah.

Lurch from the Addams Family popped out. Oh, yeah. Once. And Edward G. Robinson. Oh, yes. Once. And Edward G. Robinson. Oh, yes. And Dick Clark. And they would say they're witty one-liners, and then they would dip back in. Yeah.

But that episode, man, I wish they would air it nonstop. Go back and watch that episode. She ties Batman, Robin, and Batgirl. Oh, that's right. He had to twitch his ear. In a human knot. That's right. That they had to escape from.

He goes, Robin, if you move your right toe and I twitch my ear, and it just breaks. Because they were out of money. They couldn't build any more props. They couldn't build a death trap. Because season three, ABC just pulled up stakes on the show. Why did they do that? It was a hit. I think the numbers had dropped considerably by season three.

The story goes, and I don't know if it's an urban myth, that I think NBC was going to pick up the show, but the sets had been destroyed. I have heard that, right. The Batcave sets had been destroyed. I have heard that, right. The Batcave sets had been destroyed. What a shame. Allegedly. Allegedly.

Just like Max Wright sucking cock just to bring in full circle. In fact, I think James Caron said when they were ending Little House on the Prairie, the station wanted to own the set and make a whole new show, and Michael Landon got pissed. Oh, so they blew up the town. Yes. They wrote an episode where the entire town is blown up. And they explode every one of the buildings, so they have no set left.

That is spite work at its best. Oh, yes. At the end of Impractical Jokers, we're going to blow up Murray. That's the plan. I like the petitions on the show a lot, too, I have to say. The bisexual crossing guard may be my favorite. Oh, we were running for office with that. Yeah.

So what's coming up, gents? You're going on tour. You've got big plans in the works. We just started our – we're taping our second hour special of the tour in a couple of weeks, and so we just started the new tour. And that's constant. So we're away like every other weekend and then twice a year on the bus. And then we actually sold out an arena tour in the U.K.

It's sold out. It's like 11 or 12 days, but it's not happening until January. But we sold it out, which we can't believe because it plays over there on Comedy Central. And apparently, I don't know, they took to it. But we're doing that, and we are making more television. So there are going to be more seasons. There's going to be. We're trying to get the movie version off the ground. We're having great

luck. We're having some interior debates as to when to do it. I want time off. I just want time off. Is the show kind of all-consuming? Is it taking over your lives? Well, the show and the touring combined take up, I'd say, a large part.

And then we'll do other things when we can. Q and I do a podcast called What's In You. Yeah, I was going to have you plug that. And, you know, we all do our own little projects too and stuff. But it is all-consuming because it's Impractical Jokers, 18 hours a day, seven days a week. So plug the podcast because it's funny. I heard you guys with a couple of different people.

Yeah, that's how I think this might happen. You're both welcome to come on now. It's called What Say You. We record it out of my kitchen or on the road. And sometimes we do it live. And then the guys and I tour. I mean, you can go to our comedy trips called the Tenderloins. That's who we were before Impractical Jokers.

It's basically our identity outside of that. I hate improv groups. We don't do improv. We don't do improv. So do I. I never did improv. So why did they call, when you do research on you guys, they called Tenderloins Sketch and Improv.

But it never was improv. Well, when we formed in 1999, we did improv from like 99 to 2003. The sketches are online. I mean, people can find them. They can find blind cops. No, we haven't done it. As a matter of fact, we've been a not an improv troupe for 13 years and an improv troupe for four. But I guess that's just kind of how it was.

We just say comedy troupe. But yeah, I don't know where I was going with that. I don it was. We just say comedy troupe. Yeah, I don't know where I was going with that. I don't know. I didn't do improv with them. I came in when we started doing written sketches. So we're all in agreement about improv. I like it.

I like performing. If it's done right, it's unbelievable. I've seen great improv. I like scripted. Here's me too. And you guys were SNL. You're both influenced by SNL. Hugely, yeah. Remember Gilbert's season? Oh, great. And you guys were SNL. You're both influenced by SNL. Hugely, yeah.

Remember Gilbert's season? Yeah, my season. Oh, great. I'm watching on Hulu. You watch Gilbert's 13? What were you, 13 or 12? I think 12. I think the 13th, we were supposed to have Graham Chapman as the host, and then the got, the producer got fired.

Gene Gemanian got the short haircut. That was when Lorne was not there, right? No, no. He had left with the, it was the worst time to be on Saturday Night Live. What was it like? Oh, awful. It was like, because the original cast and Lorne Michaels had left, and back then, like, how dare you continue it without those people?

And it was like, if in the middle of Beatlemania, you said, John, Paul, George, and Ringo are gone, but here's four other guys. So that was horrible. No fond memory at all? No. No. You're funny in a few things.

Yeah? Which? I would be hard-pressed. The thing, the sketch you did with Denny Dillon. Oh. Where you were the old couple. Yes, the Waxmans. The Waxmans. Yeah.

It's kind of funny. Yeah. Denny Dillon, I think the last thing I saw her in was like United Flight 23, that movie about that plane that went down. Oh, is she in that? In September, she's one of the passengers. So I assume when you were influenced by SNL, it wasn't Gilbert's season. I just had a thought.

Can I request a guest? You guys get a guest? Do you take guest requests? Of course. Yeah. What do you got? We've been trying to get Chuck Barris on ours. So have we.

Oh, my. Yes. Have you? He's one of my heroes, man. And we've been trying to get him for two years. Okay, there. Oh my yes. He's one of my heroes man and we've been trying to get him for two years. Okay there may be a break. Really? Somebody on Facebook wrote to me today and met Chuck

Barris I think a couple of weeks ago at a music festival. So he lives in the tri-state area. I thought he lived in Philly. Oh he might live in Philly. There it is. He is one of my heroes. See but the problem with getting Chuck Barris is, of course, the CIA. Right.

We'll try to hunt you down, man. That book is genius, though. I'd love to get him. If you get him, can I come? I don't even have to be in it. I can sit out there. It's a tall order. Yeah.

You know, he wrote songs, too. Oh, sure. He wrote Palisades Park. Palisades Park. Sure. His books are really good. I read his book. His books are really good. I read his book. His books are really good.

Yeah, but he's got several. Oh, I read... Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. This is a big one. That's the one I read. He wrote a sequel called Bad Grass Never Dies, which is pretty good. Somebody told me he just kind of left the business and then checked out. Yeah, he got sick of it.

Murray Langston's around, the unknown comic, if you guys were gong show fans. Paperback? He's on Facebook. No way. Murray Langston. Yeah, we're going to ask him to come on. They just released the gong show movie on Blu-ray after years of being out of print,

and I watched it. It's fucked up, man. Well, basically, we'll have a friendly competition to see who can come up with Chuck Barris. You'll definitely win, man. I'm telling you, I go on eBay, and I buy signed. I have a Chuck Barris letter that he wrote to Phyllis Diller that somebody put on.

And you can buy it for like $20 because, you know, nobody's not in tune with it anymore. But he's a hero, man. I love that guy. For us, too. And Sam Rockwell played a pretty goddamn good Chuck Barris. Really good Chuck Barris, man. What else you got? That it?

Yeah. Want to let these gentlemen get to where they have to go? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. I got to go to a. It's up to you. I got to get going. I've got a lot of masturbating to do Oh, yeah. I got to go to a... It's up to you. I got to get going. I've got a lot of masturbating to do tonight, guys.

I'm doing an open mic tonight. We were told you guys were on a tight schedule. No. Well, our lives are, so... Yeah, I mean, I'll go along with it if you need me to. Garrison, you got to get out of work early. You got to get there by 5.30. These guys got shit to do.

Is this an indirect way of Gilbert doing less time? Now, I heard on the last cruise, it was Kid Rock. On that boat? Yeah. That's why your bed smelled like that. Is that what you're asking? Oh, I think that's not our cruise.

This was our inaugural cruise. But that cruise ship and that company goes out with different themed cruises, and they probably had him. Because they told me, you know, like on that cruise, there are these foreign women like Filipino or whatever. Oh, yeah. Who will spray you with hand sanitizer. Yes. And I think with Kid Rock, he ordered them. He told the ones in charge that whenever these Asian women would squirt them

with the hand sanitizer, they have to say, washy, washy, motherfucker. What? Yes. It's like pappy on Sousou. Wait, so, so, so, so, they, the Norwegian, the Pearl ship is the name of it. They had a thing. It was a mandate that they already were saying when they sprayed you, happy, happy, washy, washy.

Yeah. Now, we know that because we because before we ever had the cruise, we filmed an episode of Jokers on that cruise ship, and that's how our cruise came to fruition. And we noted that because they were Asians, and they were mandating them to say happy, happy, washy, washy, which I thought was extremely peculiar. And what I'm assuming is he took that and he co-opted it

and said, say washy, washy, motherfucker. But I thought it was really odd that they were like, say nothing or say would you like some of this. But to have them say happy, happy, washy, washy seems a little odd. Porto-on-racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can tie these up. The last topic, you know, you mentioned guests on the want list. Gilbert calls me up one day or maybe about 50 shows into the run,

and he says, I got a great guest idea. You remember the hooker, the girl in full metal jacket that says, me love you long time? She was hot. We looked her up. Her name is Papillon Susu. She's got one line in the movie. Where does she live?

Yeah, I think in England. I think she's a guy. Me so horny, right? Yeah. I think in England. I think she's a- Miso Horny, right? Yeah. Miso Horny. Because to me, when you think about all the great lines in movies like Play It Sam or We're Not in Kansas Anymore, all these lines, the most famous is Miso Horny. Miso Horny.

Me rub you wrong. When he pinched her, I said, she'll know if she speaks English. It would be great, though, if through the whole interview that's all she said. Oh, that would be fantastic. So, of course, we put this out there, and everybody on Facebook and all our listeners, you know, some people finally tracked her down. I think she's a chiropractor living in the U.K. Well, I heard at first it sounded respectable, like she became

a doctor. Then it became something like... It's a rub and tug in South London. I like the thought of her talking to anyone in her life post that movie and they just go to dig at one layer and they're like, so what do you do? And she's like, oh, I'm an actress. layer and they're like oh so what do you do and she's like

oh I'm an actress and they're like oh what have you done have seen you or anything and she always has to be like yeah you might have how glorious she's in a Bond movie too

full metal jacket oh no way what'd you do I was the I said the none of us he's a whore I haven't even loved you

in a long time none of us in this room not a single person in this room will ever know the glory of what it's like to have sex with her for the first time after that movie comes out. Oh, my God. Like the first person who had sex with her.

Oh, my God. Because you know she was like, I'll do it. It was fun. It was new. She's like, me so horny. That guy had the best. Now. Oh, wow.

Or has she been asked every time and she's never done it because she won't. No, I think she had to do it the first time to get burned. Yeah. There's one lucky guy out there. Somebody said she did an autograph show a couple years ago, which leads to the question, what is she signing? Well, they sampled that line for a very popular rap song. Oh, they've done it.

Two Live Crews. He's so horny. He's the name of the song. They wrote a song about, you know. I'll take it a step further. I don't care how old she is. I don't care what she looks like today. I would have sex with her if she did that line. Yes.

Yes. I don't care. She could look like the guy who sells mogwais in Gremlin. And I would still have sex with her if she did that line from the movie. I would. All right. Here's the deal. We'll give you Chuck Barris and we'll give you Papillon.

Oh, my God. No, I have to have Papillon. You can have Chuck Barris. I will leave here as a foot soldier for you. I will not stop until I get her on the show. You made my day by showing me that he's still, because I don't know. He's out there. He's out there and still alert and still doing it because he's 87.

So you never know how that's going to go. The fact that he. He's out there. He's out there and still alert and still doing it because he's 87. And showing up at events. So you never know how that's going to go. The fact that he's still that out there. I'll track it down through this guy. Oh, please do. Please do. Okay. If you're out there, Chuck, you're in demand. And Papillon Sousou Paul.

Right now. And would you like to do your imitation of me before we close up? Oh, sure, sure. Nice to meet you, Miss Volcano. Quick question. Is there any way I can do less time? I'm willing to take no less money. Do we have a deal?

Can I speak to your husband? Get me to the person who makes the decisions on this ship. Can I speak to the captain? Can I speak to the captain? Issue being, no part of me wants to be here or experience any of this. Nice to meet you. All right. Thank you for having us. A great episode, guys.

Thanks. Thank you for having us. A great episode, guys. Thanks. Thank you for having us. Well, this has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre at Nutmeg with our engineer Frank Ferdarosa. Thanks, Frankie. And we have had on two members of the Impractical Jokers. The other ones, fuck them. Fight a nickel for every time I heard that. Yeah.

They think they're so fucking great. Fuck both of you. Fuck both of you, you think you're so great. You're both pieces of shit. You're untalented, stupid pieces of shit who think you're so fucking great that you can't take five minutes out to do a podcast. Fuck you where you breathe. We bet on the only two talented or funny members of

Impractical. Oh my god. The only two worth talking to. Cause the both of you, fuck your grandmother's corpse. I kind of wish I didn't come on so he was saying this about me. Oh my god.

We had on Brian Q. Quinn. Hello. And let's see if I can get this guy's name. No chance. Sal Ja Crispy Volcano? Volcano, 100%. Volcano. Ja Crispy's just a nickname from the show.

It's not real. And we're not going to say the names of you other two because you're shit. Fuck you. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. This has been real great.

Thank you so much. Oh, my God. Would you have us back? Are we allowed back? Do you have repeats? No, I'm sorry. Yeah, you can come back as long as you don't have the other impractical jokes on because fuck them.

Oh, my God. Holy shit. It's been nothing but a pleasure. Kid-friendly. Yeah, it's the parrot. It's the parrot. It's cool. Tears coming down my cheeks.

The next impractical joker's cruise is next year, roughly October. Can't families come on? Gilbert will be headlining. He'll be doing a quick, tight three-minute set. Somehow filled with 25 cum jokes. Ladies and gentlemen, from Jafar's Revenge, you'll be godfrey.