Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 12. Mike Reiss

Episode Date: August 17, 2014

With an epic marathon of 552 (!) episodes of "The Simpsons" launching this week (on cable channel FXX), Gilbert and Frank decided to sit down with someone who's been there from the very beginning (way back in 1988), writer, producer and former show runner, Mike Reiss. Mike joined the boys in Gilbert's Chelsea apartment to share a few "dark secrets" behind TV's longest-running prime time series, including the true story behind Itchy & Scratchy, how Groundskeeper Willie became a national hero, and why Marge's bouffant is so tall (bet you don't know the story behind that one.) Also, Mike recalls writing fake "letters to Santa" for Johnny Carson and working on one of our all-time favorite sitcoms, "It's Garry Shandling's Show." You want more? How about Michael Jackson's sound-alike, hookers in helicopters and Raymond Burr does Tiny Tim? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In Season 3, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. Okay, if you've never heard of Mike Grease, let me tell you who he is. He's written for National Lampoon. He wrote several years for Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show.

He wrote Gary Shandling's show. He wrote The Critic. And he wrote The Simpsons, where he never once hired me to do a voice. And here he is now, Mike Reese. Hi, Gilbert Gottfried. This is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, who told me in the last podcast I didn't mention his name.

So I'm mentioning his name here. And I said, well, I didn't mention his name. So I'm mentioning his name here. And I said, well, I didn't mention your name because I really consider you a total load on the show. And you're just like having weight around my ankles when I'm trying to. That was my goal, really. So I feel like I've accomplished something. Yeah, like I'm trying to run track and you're just holding my ankles. I do what I can.

I do my little part. Okay. Now, tonight on the show, we have Mike Reese. Now, Mike Reese has been a writer on The Simpsons, a show that's been on the air for like, you know, if you add it up like Gunsmoke and Mesh, it would be like double that. We've been on 78 years. Yes, yes.

At least. Now, my first question is, the show's been on that long. Why the fuck didn't they ever ask me to do a voice on it? And you have friends on the show, too? Yes, yes. You know people. I know everybody on the show.

I know the writers. I know the people who do voices. We don't feel your voices distinctive enough. Yeah. Well, next time you speak to Matt Groening, just tell him to go fuck himself. Okay. Yeah.

Tell him, I hope he dies a slow, lingering death. That's what I'll tell my boss in 25 years. That's what I'll do. You mis 25 years. That's what I'll do. You mispronounced his name, which is insulting to him enough. Is it Groening? Groening. Well, tell Matt Groening to go fuck himself. Okay.

I take back what I said before, Matt Groening, but it's Matt Groening who should go fuck himself. You've come up. Yes. Your name has come up. You'll get your shot. In what context does his name come up? It comes up.

You know, it's never flattering. That's the other thing. Someone says, I want to be on the show. Okay, here. We've cast you as a homeless, incoherent, incontinent man. What? I'm terribly insulted. It's like, well, that's what we do.

What did you think? Gilbert Gottfried is the Duke of Winchester. We're not going to do it. It comes up as, now remember, we never hire Gilbert Gottfried for this show ever. If we're on another 2,000 years. Now, my next question, just looking at you, I don't need to ask, are you a Jew? I am a Jew. Now, you used I am a Jew.

Now, you used to be a writer. Oh, go ahead. No, no, no. I had you stick. Now I'll do my Jew hunk later. But, yes, I am Jewish. Even people on the radio know. Even blind guys.

Oh, happy Hanukkah. They can hear your no's over the radio. It's big. They just before you even talk on the radio, they go, I think there's a Jew coming up. It somehow pokes out a little.

Now, you were a right... It's big. Here's the thing, too. Let me talk about Judaism for one sec. Like you know anything about it. I look so Jewish. And that joke I always do is I put myself through college modeling for hate literature.

Great joke. But, you know, I'm not Jewish at all. I don't believe in it. I grew up in a town in Connecticut where we were the only Jews. I never met other Jews. And some people are Jewish by faith or by culture, and I'm Jewish by face. You're actually an atheist, aren't you?

I am an atheist. Well, God bless you for that Now, you used to write for Johnny Carson I did For the Tonight Show Yeah Now, was Johnny Carson an alcoholic? I don't know

He can't fire you now No He's been dead for over 20 years Yes I don't know. He can't fire you now. He's been dead for over 20 years. Yes. I don't know. The weird thing with Johnny Carson was you never saw him. I worked there a year and a half. I spent maybe an hour with him.

He just didn't want to be around people, and he especially didn't want to be around his writers. He didn't want to see them. And there was a weird day. I was working there the day he turned 60, and we threw him a little birthday party backstage right before the show. And it was just six of his employees,

and he was as nervous as a cat. He just couldn't stand to be around six people. And then he was about to walk out on stage in front of five million people. But that was it. He was friendly. He was always that guy. And when I interviewed—somewhere this will get interesting.

But when I interviewed for the job, which was pretty much the first and last time I met him, he brings me and my writing partner into his office, and his office was set up like the Tonight Show set. And we just sat on the couch, and he sat behind a desk, and he interviewed us for seven minutes. And then he said something, and it got a laugh, and he dismissed us. It was like if he could have gone to commercial in his office, he would have. But that was the guy. That was what made him what he was, is he could talk to anyone for seven minutes and nobody for ten minutes. So on stage and off, he was Johnny Carson.

He really was, yeah. He had a set. He had a set in his office. And he was nice. It was very congenial, but we never saw him again. And then the day we got the job, the head writer said to us, welcome to the job, you'll be fired in 13 weeks. Whenever Carson was unhappy, he'd just fire whosoever contract came up.

And we hung in for a year and a half, and then we got fired. And then two weeks later, he offered us our jobs back. We'd become much better writers in those two weeks. Wasn't he going through a bitter divorce at that time? Yes. I remember reading about that. Yeah. Was this 107 of his divorces?

This was number three and I think this was an especially bad one. This is a story that plays like a joke, and it was so true. Because, again, none of us knew Carson, and the only way we knew about his life was reading the National Enquirer, and so we subscribed to it at the Tonight Show. And one day at the Tonight Show, it was the headline, Mrs. Carson Demands $5,000 a Week Extra. And two of the writers looked at each other and go,

gee, between the two of us, we make $5,000 a week. And they got fired that afternoon. They needed the money. So, now, when the writers would submit jokes, who would look at it and tell you

what they wanted, what they didn't like. Well, I worked, I'm embarrassed to say, he had two staff. The place ran like an insurance company. It was so strange. So he had a staff of monologue writers in one building across the lot. And then he had us. We were the sketch writers.

So we wrote Aunt Blabby and Two Witness and Carnac. And people didn't even seem to notice. Every night he did a piece of material, generally at the desk. He would do, here's 10 tips to beat the heat. Or where Ed would say, everything you want to know, and he would do those things. We wrote the bit everybody hated every night.

Oh, they were great. We were the palate cleanser before Suzanne Plachette. Oh, God. So that was the job. And so they would work out. They'd say, all right, today we're writing shopping tips.

And my partner and I, Al Jean, we had to write 60 of those a day. We'd write 60. We'd give them to the head writer. He'd get another 200 from the other writers. And I think he would cut down from 200 to 20 and Carson would read those

20 and cut it down to 15 and then do nine of them on the air. And that was the attrition of the nine, you know, four bombed. Now, did anyone ever in all the years Carson was on the air, go up to him and say,

hey, do you realize your Aunt Blabby character is a blatant ripoff of Jonathan Winters? No. It wasn't Art Fern, a ripoff of Reggie Van Gleeson? Oh, yes, yes. It was an homage. Sorry. When I was working there, Carson was on the cover of TV Guide,

and they had all his characters surrounding it. And one of the writers just pointed to the characters and goes, Jonathan Winters, Jackie Gleeson, Tommy Smothers. And, you know, bless his heart. I mean, Johnny Carson was great. Yeah, he stole all his, he didn't have an original character. Floyd Turbo was the ripoff of Tommy Smothers? Floyd R. Turbo.

Floyd R. Turbo. I mean, was just this blatant ripoff. You know, it never dawned on me until you just said it. That's it. I mean, he would steal everything. He's like, gee, I'll take the voice and the attitude and wardrobe.

I mean, that was the thing. Leave something. Change the color of the hat. Do something. And his delivery, he'd throw in a lot of Jack Benny. Yeah. Yeah. So

he was a great interviewer but as a comic it's like you wouldn't want him sitting in the back of the room during your set no there was once I can tell you a lot of these things every year he would read

kids letters to Santa Claus and he would read the letters and it know it was like kids say the darndest thing they were funny letters they'd get them from the inner city schools where the kids didn't express themselves well and and uh he'd read the letters and then he would make a humorous comment and we wrote those we wrote all the comments and they just he was so masterful at it no one would believe he wasn't ad-libbing those and i'm watching the show one night with my mom and he reads the letter

and then uh he does his ad-lib and i said ma i wrote that and she goes no he just made that up so he was perfect at that and then he would always when he'd read the kids letters he'd always go he'd read them and get a laugh he He goes, you know, you can't make this stuff up. Makes the writers feel real good. Right. And then one year he came to us, he says, the kids let me down. You got to make this stuff up. So we had to write funny letters to Santa from inner city kids and then write his ad libs.

Wow. And that was it. Whenever, you know, he was a great interviewer with celebrities, but whenever he had a civilian on, whenever he had, you know, the oldest lady in Iowa or somebody with a potato chip collection, they would pre-interview him and then we'd write him a bunch of ad libs. And he'd do them, and again, he would do them so effortlessly you couldn't imagine he wasn't making them up. So that's what he was good at.

Yeah, he was good at stealing. Now, who did he steal Carnac from? That was, was that Steve Allen? Steve Allen did a thing. Do you remember a Carnac joke that you wrote?

Can I tell a story? Sure. I'm like somebody's granddad. No, no. He wants you to keep quiet. I got a lot of stories. Yeah, the longer I go, the less of you we got. Maybe it's for the best.

I wrote a Carnac. I won't even tell you the Carnac. It was so bad. Because, again, we had to write 60 of them a day right so and i wish you just said write 10 good ones but no we'd write about 10 you have 10 good ones and 50 crap and he'd always pick the crap and then he'd get mad so he does the well i'll tell you the joke just because it was awful right i know it was bad it was from the crap list and it was it was sort of red square.

What do you call that blotch on Gorbachev's head? Remember Gorbachev? Okay. So he goes out. He does a red square. What do you call that blotch? And it bombs. And I mean it bombs. That old saying that it sucked the air

out of the room. People were gasping for air. It was horrible how badly that went, right? And I see him looking around. Who do I fire? And of course, we had to write the savers, too. We had to write him 10 jokes so he could crap on our material

when it didn't work. Did you write the insult, too? Where he would insult the audience for not laughing at the joke? Yeah, we'd write ten of those and those were the same. May the million man march stop at your daughter's bedroom. Right. So,

he did it. It bombed. I almost got fired, except he didn't know who wrote anything. Six months later he's doing karnak again and i go down to the set and i said i'm looking at the cue cards and by some clerical error there's that joke again it came back red square what's on gorbachev's head and i go well i'm fired now and he goes on the air blah blah, blah, blah. Red Square, he does the joke, and it killed. It killed. And it was a big moment where I just go, I give up.

I give up. This isn't science. It doesn't make any sense at all. That's great. Now, Ed McMahon. Yes. Alcoholic? Oh, that's a statement or a question?

Yeah, well, I think it's both. Well, this is the other thing about the Tonight Show. It's just, you never met these guys. I worked there a year and a half. That was at Carson for an hour. I never met Ed McMahon. I never met Doc Severinsen. What about Pat McCormick?

Was he there then? No, everybody thought the legendary Pat McCormick had been fired five times. I see. They just loved to legendary Pat McCormick? No, everybody thought the legendary Pat McCormick had been fired five times. I see. They just loved to fire Pat McCormick, so I never met him. There was a guy named Mickey Rose there. Mickey Rose who wrote Bananas and Take the Money Home. And he was one of them.

When I told that story about getting fired because Mrs. Carson wanted more alimony, it was Mickey Rose. It's funny, They're both dead. He and a guy named Bill Daley got fired the same day. But Mickey Rose, they fired him that day. And Fred, it was Fred DeCorta, but that was his job to fire people. And he was so great at it. He was so masterful.

And he'd go, Fred would go, you're fired. And you'd go, thank you. He did it so well. And when he fired Mickey, Mickey said to him, well, this is the third time you fired me. I'm looking forward to the fourth. Now, I heard a weird Pat McCormick story about each writer trying to outdo the other one's party. I don't know this.

Oh, okay. Then we'll go on to the next topic. Had to do with helicopters. Oh, okay, yes. I've heard that story. Oh, can you, you want to tell that story then?

I just, what I've heard is it was for one of his birthdays or something. They came with a helicopter with a hooker in it. Yeah. And the hooker.

And that was it. I think they flew over his home where his wife and kids were, and he got blown in the helicopter. Yes, that they would circle the house when his wife was home, and the hooker would blow the rider. They took turns. Oh, really? oh really okay no i hadn't yeah and and the funny thing is i met tim conway yeah and i said look i heard a story it's probably not true i don't know uh about pat and i don't even get the whole McCormick out, and Tim Conway goes, helicopter?

He used to do a thing. Again, I never met the guy. I heard he would dress as a priest, and he'd rent a convertible, and he'd drive down the highway in the convertible with a woman dressed as a nun with no top on.

And he'd wave. Now, what about the... You met the guest on Carson's show. No. No, no, man. So what the fuck do we have you here for? Really had you guys isolated. That was it, yeah.

I was there a year and a half. I didn't even meet the monologue writers. I didn't meet them at all. And finally at lunch, after about a year, I meet one of the monologue writers, and he says, I'm just introducing myself. I said, yeah, my partner and I, we just got out of Harvard. And later this gossip comes back where they said, Mike, your job's in trouble. Carson just hired two writers from Harvard.

And I go, no, that's me. They're just hearing about it in the trailer. There's another weird thing. This is something, if you ever have a stalker, there was a guy who... He might. Yes. Every hope and pray. You have to tell random people,

stop following me. Yeah, if anyone's out there, please stalk me. But Carson had a stalker, and he didn't know what to do about it, and so finally, he hired the guy. The right monologue? No. A job he could hang on to.

And he just hired him to work in the... He was like a receptionist working in the crime office. It worked. I mean... Smart. Yeah, it worked. The guy got unobsessed with Carson and became obsessed with Paul McCartney. Ouch! At work, the guy got unobsessed with Carson and became obsessed with Paul McCartney, which was fine until the night Paul McCartney came on the show.

Speaking of Harvard, you mentioned Harvard, and I talk a little bit about the Harvard Lampoon. You met your wife at Harvard. I did. You met your writing partner at Harvard. Yes, I did. And yet you have nothing nice to say about Harvard. I have nothing nice to say about the place. I write to Al-Qaeda. I encourage it as a terror target.

I think I got nothing good to say about it. I mean, that was it. But your comedy career came out of there. Yes, I went to Harvard to join the Harvard Lampoon just because they had a humor magazine. And I went there, and I mean, I hated Harvard. And the Lampoon wound up being a bunch of guys who hated Harvard and would just sit in this building all day and make jokes. And it was a great environment.

It was the closest thing you could find to comedy writer school, even though that wasn't the intent of it. And about half our Simpsons writers have come out of Harvard. Jeff Martin and those guys. Yes. And you describe it as being pretty cutthroat. No, did I say that? I read that somewhere.

Was it the Harvard Lampoon or the National Lampoon? No, neither. National Lampoon, nobody was around. Harvard Lampoon, it was just fun and exciting. It was what you would see on a Neil Simon play about the Sid Caesar show. It was just everybody was around. Harvard Lampoon, it was just fun and exciting. It was what you would see on, you know, a Neil Simon play about the Sid Caesar show. It was just, everybody was funny, and someone would make a joke, and somebody would top it and run with it. And, you know, people in comedy are used to that, but I'd never seen that before. I'd never seen people like that, where everybody was making each other funny and bringing out the best in each other.

like that where everybody was making each other funny and bringing out the best in each other and uh i like that i met my wife through a freshman talent show i was the emcee of the freshman talent show and i'm doing comedy and there was one other comedian in the show and he bombed he bombed so bad and at the end of the show i I said, look, you know, maybe comedy's not your thing. Stick to drama. And he went on to create the show House. And he made $800 million. David Shore? No, it was his boss, Paul Adonazio. Oh, I see. I have a worthless imitation Harvard diploma on my wall.

So do I, yeah. Yeah. Mine was, I think I was honored by Harvard. Is it real? Were you there? Yeah, I was at Harvard and it was some weird thing and naturally

somebody had just died, some beloved professor and they said, so there's only about six people here to honor you. Was it the Harvard Lampoon or the professor, and they said, so there's only about six people here to honor you. Who brought it? Was it the Harvard Lampoon or the Hasty Pudding? Harvard Lampoon.

Oh, okay. I think there's a poster of you up there. Oh, okay. So they remember you. So at least it proves I was there, whether they were honoring me or not. Yeah. When I was there, I played, I was the president of the Lampoon, and I'd invite celebrities to come in, you know?

And I got close with Frank Sinatra. He didn't come, but he invited me to a concert, and he read my letter on stage. But as a prank, as a prank, I invited Charles Manson, because I go, all right, he's in jail for a while, but maybe someday he'll get out, you know, 20 years from now, and he'll show up at the door of the Lampoon with this letter from me saying, you invited me, man.

I want my medal. So you knew Frank Sinatra? That was it. I just, I got his address from somewhere. I wrote to a bunch of people. That was it. I heard from Frank and got snubbed by Manson. So you were friends with Sinatra and Charles Manson.

That's correct. Trace the history of this a little bit for us. We would all go to Jason's. Mike, you went from the Harvard Lampoon to the National Lampoon. Correct. And then eventually out to Hollywood. Yes, I was working. It was my then eventually out to Hollywood. Yes. I was working.

It was my whole life dream. I'm sorry. I just can't imagine anyone is interested in me. I don't know who. I'm just saying. This is like your fifth. Or us, for that matter. Yes.

This is your fifth podcast. And that's the end of our podcast today. I can talk all night. I know nobody's listening. These mics aren't even on. Mine's licorice. I've been on five podcasts now, and I'm nobody. Nobody's ever fucking heard of me.

This is my fifth podcast. Not only do I do them, but nobody's ever come up to me later and go, Hey, I heard you on that podcast. Wow. They always get you on podcasts saying how many people are listening to that podcast. And it's the greatest press you could get. That's it. I assume I'm getting a big check for this.

I presume. We have a painting of a pastel of Gilbert we'd like you to have. So I forget what I was saying. Oh, so this is the career of Mike Reese. Everybody wants to hear about it. Yeah, I was at Harvard Lampoon, and somebody at National Lampoon read my articles. They had subscribers there, and that was my lifetime dream to go to work at National Lampoon. And I got hired right out of college.

And the magazine was in serious decline. And there I was. That's around the time Gilbert was there. Yes. Oh, yeah. Right when it was spinning around the drain. I loved it. It was the nicest job.

And you can't... It was like I had to get out of there because someone said, it's going to fold any day now. I wrote letters. I used to write the letters. I was the letters editor. When were you doing it? Under George Barkin and Larry Doyle. Oh, okay.

The very last incarnation before the padlock came out. That's it. Yeah. I mean, I loved the job, but I left because they said they were going to shut down any minute now. And they went another eight years. I would have hung in there. I never had a nicer job. I was there at the very, very end when Drew Friedman was the art cartoon editor.

Yes, yes. I used to have fun. Yeah. Did you do photo funnies? I did. Photo funnies, I did. I mean, it was pretty shameless. I would write these photo funnies that would just get like uh naked girls

to be in a shot with me right and and i would write them and after a while it was like i was rewriting the same thing over and over again and i just had my picture take with naked girls and they'd say isn't this the same exact thing you submitted last month? And I'd say, no, no, it's really subtly different. And I wrote some letters for them, too. We didn't know each other then,

strangely enough. We were both writing letters for the Lampoon. You know who else used to write? It was David Mamet. I was the letters editor. I was 21, editing letters, and David Mamet would send in funny letters editor. I was 21, editing letters, and David Mamet would send in funny letters, and they weren't that funny.

He was a hilarious guy. I know. And the boss would always say, just buy it. You know, it's David Mamet. So that was, he got it,

it was 25 bucks a letter. I got about 75 bucks of unearned pay. Went to David Mamet. I'll tell you a David Mamet letter. I got about $75 of unearned pay. Went to David Mamet. I'll tell you a David Mamet letter. He'll love hearing this. He's not listening. You told me he was listening.

That's how we got you on the podcast. He said, why are children in China starving? Why are children in China starving? Because children are small and they have to sit on phone books to reach the dinner table. And the phone books are very small in China because nobody has phones. Sir David Madness. 25 bucks. Like American buffalo. Yeah.

Wow. bucks like american buffalo yeah wow we will return to gilbert godfrey's amazing colossal podcast after this are we just curious about the hollywood history i mean what was the trying to get to alf and the it's gary shanley show and eventually to the simpsons and the critics so yes what was the jump from the lampoon the The jump was there was a guy, I got a call from Hollywood, from a guy who needed jokes. They were making the movie Airplane 2. Airplane 2. It was a hilarious comedy about the space shuttle blowing up.

With William Shatner. Yes, William Shatner. And it was a dream come true. And Al Jean and I, we quit our job on a day's notice. We just quit. We moved out to Hollywood. We left everything behind in New York to work on Airplane 2. And, I mean, it was exciting.

We met all the celebrities on the movie. And Sonny Bono took a shine to us. Oh, yes. Sonny bono was the mad bomber sunny bono wow you saw the film i did so uh well the zucker's involved with that one or was no they in fact they took out an ad saying we are not involved in airplane two and then uh and then their next movie was top secret which is a funny movie, but a complete flop. And so we were going to take out Natsingh, and we're not involved in Top Secret. I remember, I think it was Julie Haggerty when I worked with her,

and she said that the Sucker Brothers were telling the cast of the original airplane not to be in Airplane 2. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. Well, they didn't listen. No, they, who was it? Leslie Nielsen was not in the movie. I think Peter Graves.

Peter Graves came in. He was hilarious. Right, right. I'm trying to remember. Lloyd Bridges came in. Lloyd Bridges. It's funny. More good stories about Airplane 2. Lloyd Bridges, in. Lloyd Bridges. It's funny. I have more good stories about Airplane 2.

Lloyd Bridges, stubborn old coot, wouldn't do the jokes, had his own gags he wanted to do. Oh, no. Oh, gosh. And he was like 87 years old, and he almost got in a fist fight with the director, and I think he would have won. I mean, he was just this big, vigorous man. Now, what were some of Lloyd Bridge's jokes that he came in with?

He wanted to come in senile, and he wanted to come in shaving, and then talk into his electric razor like it was a phone, and then it was a barbell. It was this long chaplain-esque bit. I don't know. It was mighty

bad. Yeah, he was there. And shoot. Was Robert Stack in that one too? Robert Stack was there. He was very funny. Chad Everett was in the movie. Chad Everett just died.

He died a while ago, a couple years ago. Okay, but I know he's doing the podcast. Yes. That's not going to stop us. that's not going to stop us. We have a list of names that we have to cross off names every day. He's not kidding.

I was so excited you had Marty Allen on the show. Yeah, we did. I'm sure he's been dead for 20 years. I'm sure that's what a trooper the guy is. He had a phone in his coffin and he clawed his way out of the ground. And Raymond Burr.

Raymond Burr was in the movie. Yes, and he was, and Raymond Burr, we all know now, is gay. He was gay. He was gay. And I mean, God bless him. He's so funny in the movie.

Again, playing just utter seriously. And as soon as they go, cut. Oh, my God. He was Tiny Tim. It was so great to see. You know, he played a judge. And we go, all right, case dismissed. Cut.

Was that good? Could I do it again? I could do it again. See, I heard stories about Raymond Burr, someone who was working with him on either Perry Mason or Ironside, and the same stories I've heard about this soldier, I mean a general, who was an advisor on Gomer Pyle, you know, whatever.

USMC. Yes. And they said, like, after by the end of the day with both of them, they could hold the, they could butch it up. Yeah. And then they get tired and drunk and then become just flamers. Right.

So how do you get from airplane two mike into uh working on some of the great television shows uh let me see i know we we're working on we're thinking airplane two this is going to be a hit and can we you know wait for hollywood and then we also got assigned to write uh a vietnam comedy now that sounds like nothing now, but in 1981, nobody even talked about Vietnam. I mean, there was maybe the deer hunter. And here we were, it was our director,

who was a Canadian communist, said, we're going to write a movie about Vietnam called Cowards. Fantastic. And we wrote this thing and it just killed us. It killed us so dead. All right, I do have a good story about this. So we wrote this thing, and it just killed us. It killed us so dead. All right, I do have a good story about this.

So we wrote Cowards. It killed our career. Nobody read it. And I'm in L.A., and I hated it. I hated L.A. every day. I lived there for 26 years. And the only thing that got me through the week was pre-computers, pre-DVDs and tapes and anything. You just had to watch TV.

And the only thing that got me through the week was watching this show 9 to 5. It was a sitcom based on... Oh, I think Sandra Bullock. Was she in...

Did she play the Jane Fonda part? Well, this is another one. It went through many incarnations. Oh, okay. So when I was there, it was Rita Moreno and Dolly Parton, his cousin.

Oh. I have no recollection of this show. No. Valerie Curtin was on it. Wow. But I was there. So anyway, I'm watching the show. It was the worst show I ever saw in my life.

And I mean, I would drink a beer and sort of toast it, you know, to horrible comedy. It was the worst show I ever saw. And then one day I get a call. Nine to Five wants to meet with you. They read Cowards and they love it. And I went in and I said, yes, I watch your show every week. I love how the little boy lives on a shelf over the sink and they sell knife holders for a living. And they go, we've never interviewed anyone who's seen our show before.

And that was it. I got hired on that. And it was the worst show. I couldn't believe it, how bad the show was week after week. And then I got fired. I got fired off the worst show in TV history. That was you by yourself or you and Al? It's always me and Al.

You and Al. It's always me and Al. And so we got fired off of that, and then we got, I don't know, then we got a series of jobs. Then we worked on a show called Sledgehammer, which has a nice. Oh, Gilbert and I were talking about Sledgehammer. Yeah, I forget his name, that actor. David Rashi.

Oh, I think you met him with me. Yeah, I see him all the time. Yes, yes. Funny show. And he's, yeah, he was, he's kind of like a takeoff on Clint Eastwood movies. Correct. Yeah, it was a funny show. People loved it.

It had a little, it's got a nice cult following. And that went off and then I worked at It's Gary Shandling show. And I worked there for a couple of years. And then The Simpsons came along. Now, if we could jump back to Airplane 2

for just a second. What I remember mostly about that movie is it seemed like it was 75% just repeating jokes from Airplane 1. That is correct. And it's really... Give the people what they want, right? It was funny. I mean, they've done it more now,

but I mean, that was a movie of jokes. Airplane 1 was just about jokes. There weren't characters exactly. It was jokes. And so they go, let's make a sequel to it. And, you know, usually a sequel, let's continue with these characters. Let's continue this story.

This was just a joke movie. Let's do those jokes again. That's what we did. They didn't know what to do. You realize they don't do that anymore. There wasn't a sequel to Animal House. They don't make a lot of comedy sequels.

They did try Caddyshack 2. Yes, they did. Speaking of Robert Stack. Oh, boy, yes. Speaking of Robert Stack. Oh, really? Yeah, he's in that. Yes. Yeah, sadly.

Yeah, it was originally supposed to be Rodney Dangerfield and Sam Kinison, and they got Jackie Mason and Randy Quaid. Close. Quaid. Close. And I remember Randy Quaid doing these entire monologues that were obviously written for Sam Kinison.

Let's talk a little bit about its Gary Shandling show, which was an influential show. Yeah. And groundbreaking in its way. It was a nice job. It was a nice interview. People don't realize sort of how much of The Simpsons came out of there. I would say I think 11 writers from that show, including Sam Simon, first worked on that show. And a lot of things that The Simpsons are known for, we did on Gary Shandling's show, including like doing a whole episode parody.

You didn't do a parody scene. The whole episode was a rip-off of some movie. We did the gradual things like that. Or you do a musical. Or we do a musical. Yeah, it was an inventive show. Yes, and it was very, very hard work. The other funny thing is, we're working on that show, and

it was 80, 90 hours a week. It was brutal. Very brutally hard job, but fun. And then we were on summer break, and Alan Zweibel, who was running the show, was doing a show called The Boys on Showtime. Oh, I remember that show. Oh, is that with the old comics? Old comics. Yeah, like Norman Fell was on it.

I remember that show. Norman Fell and Jackie Gale. Wow. And, oh, Al Jean and I, we would have killed to work on The Boys. And for whatever reason, we weren't good enough to work on The Boys, so we had to take our second choice, which was The Simpsons. And The Simpsons was just starting up, and nobody wanted to work on it. Nobody wanted to work on it because it was a cartoon,

and there hadn't been a cartoon in primetime in 30 years, and it was on the Fox network, and nobody knew if the Fox network was going to be there from week to week. This is 89. This is the original staff, right? Yeah, probably 88. 88. We were working out of a trailer.

We didn't even have a real office. And that was when the Simpsons looked really creepy. Yes, they looked awfully weird. It's very funny in that I used to see those. I mean, they got the whole series off those one-minute Simpsons shorts. And everybody loved them. And they were, you know, the height of cartoon sophistication and that kind of thing. I loved them.

And you can't see them anywhere now. And the reason you can't see them is they're terrible. Oh, yeah. They look bad. They're not funny. The voices are wrong. Right. But, you know, at the time, they seemed really great.

Wasn't Castellaneta sort of doing Walter Matthau? He was doing... Yeah. March! March! Hard to watch. They were great at the time because you had nothing to compare them to. Right.

March! Yeah! And he said there was no dances. There's no emotional range in Walter Matthau. Homer's excited when popcorn pops. Right. Come here, boys. There's so many things wrong.

I can tell you about the early Simpsons. I'll give you. There are so many things wrong. I can tell you about the early Simpsons. I'll give you... These are dark secrets that I can tell here, and they will remain dark secrets. Don't worry, no one's listening to this podcast. Including the people that were in the room when we started.

But when... Here's two secrets of the Simpsons. One is Marge has tall hair. Do you know why you seem to know a bunch of things? You got me stumped on that one. Marge has tall hair. Do you know why? You seem to know a bunch of things. You got me stumped on that one. Marge has tall hair because Matt Groening said in the last episode she's going to take off her hair and we'll see she has long rabbit ears. Because Matt Groening used to write a cartoon about rabbits.

Oh, that's right. Yes. Wow. So Marge has rabbit ears. That was one of his ideas. How strange. I'm not making fun of Matt. We didn't know anyone was going to watch. Sure. That was one of his ideas. How strange. I'm not making fun of Matt. We didn't know anyone was going to watch.

Sure. That was as good as anything. Here's our last episode. Marge is a rabbit. Okay. Thanks for watching. You know what? The last Seinfeld was bad.

God, I remember. That was, they used to have it in like the Village Voice. Right. Sure. Remember, that was, they used to have it in like the Village Voice. Right. Sure. Well, wasn't that what drew James Brooks to Matt when he was looking for somebody to do the interstitials for the Tracy Ullman show? That's it.

They had these interstitials, and it's a famous story. I'll tell the story. It's not my story, but it was, they brought Matt Groening in for a meeting, and it was one of those things. I'm sure you've had these where the agent said, it's just a hello. It's a meet and it was one of those things i'm sure you've had these where the agent said it's just a hello it's a meet and greet oh yes he goes in and five minutes before the meeting they come out and said gee we're very excited about your new project we can't wait to see what you brought for us and he didn't know he had nothing so in five minutes he drew the simpsons and based on his family based on his family his father name, Homer, and his mother is Marge, and his sisters are Lisa and Maggie. And five minutes work.

Think if he put an hour into it, how good the show would be. Right. It's incredible. See, but here's something really weird. In Day of the Locust, I never read the book, but in the movie, Donald Sutherland's name is Homer Simpson. Yeah, we really wrecked that novella. How strange. Yeah.

That was, uh, yes, that novella clearly is less popular than your podcast. Yeah. You're the first one to ever say it was a classic novel, Day of the Locust, and Matt Groening, when he was a teenager, read the and the main character was named homer simpson he goes oh that's a funny name and plus the fact

that his own father is named homer he said all right if i ever do a show i'll use the name homer simpson yeah i would love to see the movie again it must look ludicrous it looks it's ridiculous now it's kind of black in that picture oh yeah the locust it's very dramatic there Is Karen Black in that picture? It's very dramatic. There's a part where a mob attacks him and tears him apart. And meanwhile, they keep calling him Homer Simpson. Which would

be like doing a drama and saying the lead character is Mickey Mouse. The lead character is Bugs Bunny. And the murderer is... You guys were in the Fox lot on what? You were saying in a trailer? Yeah, we were in a little trailer. I visited Jay and Wally in one of those, I think it was the early season, maybe season two.

Oh, all right. So I saw the working conditions. It didn't look so bad. No, we were out of the trailer by season two. But season one, and the story I always tell is we're sitting there. It was just a summer job. I'm working on Gary Shandling's show, which was literally the lowest rated show on TV. And my summer job is inventing The Simpsons.

And we're sitting in the room. I said, how long do you think The Simpsons is going to last? And everybody in the room, Jay and Wally, everyone said the same thing. Six weeks. Six weeks, six weeks. Nobody thought it would go longer than six weeks. And maybe Sam Simon goes, I think it could make it to 13 weeks,

but don't worry, no one's going to watch it. It won't make your career. Incredible. Now, what are some of the ways that the Simpsons characters have changed over the years? Let me think. Oh, I'll tell you my one more Simpsons secret just because it'll lead into that. This is Matt Groening's big idea.

In the last episode, we were going to find out that Homer is Krusty the Clown. Interesting. And if you ever see a line drawing, a black and white drawing of Krusty where you can't see the color and the makeup, he looks exactly like Homer. And that was Matt's idea. Oh, it'll be a great reveal

because Bart loves Krusty and hates Homer. And in the last episode, he'll find out they're the same guy. So episode six, we've got a scene with he'll find out they're the same guy. So, episode six, we've got a scene with Homer talking to Krusty the Clown. It's like, that went out the window. But in response to Gilbert's question, I think

the most profound change seemed to be that Smithers changed races. Yes, Smithers was black. Oh, I got a good joke. Smithers was black? The first season Smithers was black, and it was when we saw the shows in color, we said, gee, this doesn't look right. We got one black character, and he's kissing up to his mean old white boss.

And so we just went, poof, he's white. He's gay. This is how God does it, too. And no mention at all the day before he was black and straight. Smithers is the first man in history to go from black and straight to white and gay.

The second was Michael Jackson. Who also appeared on the show. Now with Michael Jackson, isn't that he did this, he recorded the dialogue but the song was somebody else? Correct with Michael Jackson, isn't that that he did this, he recorded the dialogue, but the song was somebody else? Correct. Yeah.

Michael Jackson. And I wrote this, Al G. and I wrote the script for Michael Jackson, where he played a 200-pound white mental patient who thought he was Michael Jackson. And Michael Jackson wrote an original song for the episode. And at rehearsals, it was funny, we went to Sandy Gallen's house, the major talent manager, I guess. Yeah, Dolly Parton's manager. Yeah, Dolly Parton again. Famous manager.

So we go to his house, and he said something I'd never heard. He goes, he says, I haven't been in every room in my house. That's how big his house was. And so we're doing a table reading of the script just to hear it. And so I'm sitting right next to Michael Jackson, and he's singing the songs we've written into the show. He's singing Thriller and Bad. He's singing all the songs.

Ben, he's six feet away from me. It was unbelievable. So then we get to record the show. We bring him into the studio. I'll tell all of this stuff. His band, I guess Sandy Gallant calls. He goes, here's what Michael needs. He needs a trailer. It's got to be heated to 90 degrees. It's got to have four kinds of

water in there and raw peas. It was just this long. What a writer. Writer things we had to do for him and then michael jackson shows up that day he doesn't go anywhere near the trailer didn't have an entourage he came solo came alone he looked really handsome that was about six noses before death he he looked pretty good his tall strapping guy shook everybody's hand. Couldn't have been nicer, more affable. And we're recording him. He's acting.

He's terrible. The guy couldn't act at all. But we go, all right, well, wait till he sings. You know, this is why we hired the guy. He's going to sing.

And they go, and we get to that moment. He goes, one second, please. And he motions, and this little white guy comes in and we're going who the hell is this and he goes this is kip lennon he's my official sound alike and kip lennon he's the brother of the lennon sisters wow if that means

that gets one wow okay wow that'll be the second. But that was it. Kip did all the singing in that episode while Michael Jackson's standing two feet away laughing, like, this is wonderful. And Kip is, if you ever watch the show again, you'll see it's actually a parody of Michael Jackson. Kip is sort of, just to make Michael Jackson laugh, he's doing an over-the-top Michael Jackson impression.

And we go to Michael Jackson. We go, why are you doing this? And he said, it's a joke on my brothers. And we go, all right, well, as long as you've got a good reason. So the song, Lisa, It's Your Birthday, isn't being sung by Michael Jackson. No, it is not. It's sung by Kip Lennon. It's sung by Kip Lennon.

It's written by Michael Jackson. In the credits, it says it's written by Michael Jackson. In the credits, it says it's written by Brian Golden. We don't know who the hell that guy is. And how did some of the other characters change?

The characters changed... I'll give you a good example. It's Groundskeeper Willie. Groundskeeper Willie appeared in the script. He had two lines. It was... In Act 1, he goes,

you'll be back. And in Act 3, he goes, lines. It was, in act one he goes, you'll be back, and in act three he goes, I told you, you'd be back. So, we're recording the show, it's the last two lines of the day, and Dan Castellanet is at the mic, and he says, who is this guy? And we said, I don't know, give him an accent. And so

he did him Spanish, and we go, nah, that sounds racist. So he says, whatever, I'll do him Scottish. And he did it. You'll be back. I told you, you'll be back. And that was it. We go, all right, that's a wrap.

So four seconds of thought went into making Groundskeeper Willie Scottish. He's now a national hero in Scotland. They love him in Scotland. And in one episode, we said Gr groundskeeper Willie's from Aberdeen. And in another episode, we said he's from Glasgow. And why do we do that? Because we don't give a shit, right? But the people in Aberdeen and Glasgow,

they care deeply about this. And whenever they play each other in soccer, a riot breaks out. And you go, what whenever they play each other in soccer, a riot breaks out. And you go, what are they fighting about? It's like, hey, you know that alcoholic cartoon janitor who lives in a shack full of kiddie porn? He's from my town. Did you and Al write the wonderful groundskeeper Willie line

where he calls these teaching the, he's the substitute French teacher, and he walks in the room and calls the kids cheese-eating surrender monkeys. Now, there was, that's a joke. There were three people in the room. I mean, usually we write The Simpsons with 10 people, 12 people in the room. That day, it was me, Al Jean, and a guy named Ken Keeler. One of us wrote that joke. None of us remember it because... Oh, it's such a great line. It is not a great line. It's mad libs. It's not at all great.

We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. Now, I heard the simpsons is recorded like an old radio show yeah it used to be in the old days we would record we'd have them all there you know we get everybody at a table and they read the script out loud and it's an amazing thing to watch you should come since that's the only way you'll ever see it. Yes.

But, yeah, we get it. And so it's an amazing thing to watch because you've got six people doing sometimes 120 characters. And, like, Harry Shearer does Burns and Smithers, and he just sits there talking to himself. It's amazing. And he never slips up, never makes a mistake. Now, Paul Schaefer said to me, he goes, you know, Harry Shearer hates you.

He hates you, Harry. He really hates you. And because I did some joke on my short-lived season of Saturday Night Live that was referring to Harry Shearer that I didn't even write. But they go, no, he can't stand it. He hates you. Harry can hold a grudge. What was the line?

You were describing yourself? You had to describe the new cast members? Yes. It was supposed to be like, it was a whole new cast. So each one of us was getting up and going like, you know, Piscopo would say, I'm Joe Piscopo. I'm kind of like a cross between Dan Aykroyd and so-and-so. And someone else would say, I'm like Gilda Radna.

And my line was, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. I'm kind of a cross between John Belushi and that guy on the show that did imitations who no one remembers anymore. Wow. And for some reason, Harry Shearer took that as an insult. Wow. He could have been somebody else.

Yes, yes. He hates you. Wow. So how has that affected your life? Well, whenever Harry Shearer is producing a major motion picture, he never has me in any of the starring roles. Wow. Wow. He never has me in any of the story roles, dude Wow What other characters did you and Al have a hand in creating? We, again

Because it was such a, I know it was a free-for-all in those days Yeah, how half-assed, like, groundskeeper Willie was And it was, like, Al and I, with Matt Grady and Sam Simon Wrote, like, episode six Where Bart cuts the head off the statue of Jebediah Springfield. I'm looking at Gilbert. I can see he never watches the show. No, he's a fan.

We've talked about it. Never. We've talked about it many times. No, it's just when you talk I get distracted. Sort of zoned out. I thought the table was an inch over to the left. Taxes are only 10 months away. Yeah.

I like pizza. So in that episode, one episode we did, that's the episode that introduced Jimbo, Dolph, Kearney, the three bullies, plus Nelson. We had a fourth bully. Why do we need four bullies? The four bullies, Chief Wiggum, the three bullies, plus Nelson. We had a fourth bully. Why do we need four bullies? The four bullies, Chief Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou, they all came

in in that episode. And Apu came in that show. And Apu, when we're writing it, I remember very clearly going, all you had to say was, 35 cents please. And I remember saying, let's not make him an Indian. That's such a cliche we're

better than that so obviously you weren't that's yes the clerk's line was 35 cents please and underneath in bold face capital letters he is not an indian that was it we get to the reading and hank goes 35 cents please. And it got this giant laugh and that's when we learned, oh, Hank doesn't read stage direction. Gilbert and I were talking, speaking of the old lampoon.

Was Itchy and Scratchy, you know where I'm going with this one, was Itchy and Scratchy an homage to Kitten Caboodle? Nah. Is homage French for theft. I was trying to be delicate. Yes. I don't know.

I mean, they were in the shorts. Why are you doing a Johnny Carson? I'll give it to Matt Groening. I don't know where his inspiration came from or if he even... He always says... Everyone thinks it's Tom and Jerry. It's not Tom and Jerry. He says it's a parody of Herman and Cat.

Oh, yeah. Old Terry Toons rip off of Tom and Jerry. They really were worse than Itchy and Scratchy. Have you ever seen these old, horribly animated cartoons? They're so violent. He says that's what it is. But then, you know, about a year ago, I'm in, oh, it may have been at that event. You saw me at, yeah, I meet Brian McConnachie,

the old National Lampoon writer who wrote Kitten Caboodle, which was itchy and scratchy in comic book form 15 years before The Simpsons. I go, gee, are you ever mad about that have you ever noticed that and he said he said gee if you gave me if you let me write a simpsons script i won't ever mention it again so he did he wrote an episode of the simpsons he's our first 70 year old writer he wrote a really funny episode that was it And we're off the hook. I heard Chuck Jones, I read this recently,

created the Roadrunner and what's his character, his nemesis? Wile E. Coyote. He created them. The first one he did was just a takeoff. He considered it a takeoff on Tom and Jerry

because he thought Tom and Jerry was the worst cartoon on the air. And then it became wildly successful by accident. Wow. You know what? I heard a good one, too. Scooby-Doo. Do you know what Scooby-Doo was taken from? It's the Dobie Gillis show.

Really? And they said, let's do Dobie Gillis. We'll have him solving mysteries with the dog, but it's character for character. Shaggy as Maynard G. Krebs? Shaggy as Maynard, and there's the Warren Beatty guy, and Tuesday Weld. Wow.

So, yeah. So, you know, sometimes you can rip off something so well. Well, Hanna-Barbera made an art form. Right. Oh, yeah, the Honeymooners. You know who Yogi Bear is? Well, I know. It's like Ed Norton.

Exactly. Yeah. Hey, boo-boo. And Huckleberry Hound was a little bit of old Andy Griffith. Correct. Was it not? They all did. Back then, you could just do celebrity impersonations for every cartoon character.

Right. And we still kind of do. Yeah, well, Wiggins is an Edward G. Robinson. That's correct. Hank Azaria always says all his characters are terrible imitations. And so Wiggum is as close as you get. Wiggum is Edward G. Robinson. But if you know Lou, the black cop who works with Wiggum,

that's supposed to be Sylvester Stallone. Wow. And Moe, people know Moe the bartender. Al Pacino. I heard it's a terrible Al Pacino. I never knew that. That's great. And there's also the professor who's...

Oh, that's just you? Yeah, nutty professor. You know, we were watching old cartoons when I was a kid. I watched tons of cartoons, and they were doing the same thing. You know, we'll do this crow as Fats Waller. You know, you're a kid in the 60s going, oh, Fats Waller, isn't that great? It was all, I mean, I guess you can do it. I remember

in the Dick Tracy cartoons, he would go to his characters, it would be Dick Tracy, and then he'd get these talking animal characters that were the cops, and one would be, get in your dick, get in your crow, get in your crow, get in your crow.

He said. They got into trouble for some And one would be, going low, Dick Tracy. Get throw down the road that way, sir. They got into trouble for some of those Dick Tracy characters, too. Oh, yeah. There was Jiu-Jitsu. Oh, my God, yes. It was a racist character. Yes. It was an Irish cop.

It was a little borderline. Oh, can I tell a story? Please. Sure. No, no, you can't tell any stories. I have a Christmas special coming up. I wrote a children's book called How Murray Saved Christmas. It's going to be an NBC animated special in December.

And so we got Jerry Stiller as the lead and Jason Alexander. And then I got a bunch of just great, versatile animation voices to do the other 50 characters in the thing. And we get to Tom Kenny. SpongeBob is in there, and he's supposed to do the voice of the Thanksgiving turkey. And again, he goes, who is he? I go, I don't know. He's trying things, and he goes, wait, I'll do Gilbert.

So I go, yeah, Gilbert. Now, do you know Tom Kenny? No. Okay. I work with Tom. But at least I made a yeah, Gilbert. Now, do you know Tom Kenny? No. Okay. I work with Tom. But at least I made a check for him. That was it. So he goes, we'll do Gilbert.

And I'm thinking, gee, I know Gilbert. I don't know if this is kosher. And I could have had Gilbert, but I didn't want Gilbert. And so I would never have used it except he did it, and it sounded like Ethel Merman. It is so funny. Well, that wasted a day. That's his Gilbert impression.

I was showing Gilbert Queer Duck before you got here, and we were enjoying the Paul Lind. Yes. Was it bipolar bear? Correct. And that is Billy West. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, but in all fairness, sometimes I just break into, there's no business like so business. Okay. Well, I think we've run out of things to ask you about. That's it. Before we let you go, what are you doing now? My mother is terribly sick. I thought you needed something.

Well, I hope it's a quick death. Thank you. You're working on more children's books? You've done 17 children's books. And you have no children. I have no children, yes. Is this because you can't get an erection? That is what I'm saying.

Okay, all right. Wow, suddenly we could go another hour. Do you have a funny story about that? Can I tell a story about my impotence? It also involves Paul Lind. Oh, Mike. I wrote that character, Bipolar Bear. Everyone should watch Queer Duck.

It's great. I like that better than anything I've worked on. It's all on YouTube. Look up Queer Duck. It's great. than anything I've worked on. It's all on YouTube. Look up Queer Duck. It's great. And Hard Drink and Lincoln. Oh, good. I like them too. But I wrote this Paul Lynn character, and you can do that when

they're dead. That's the law. We're hoping you die before December. And we're out. Well, you're in with a large group of people. I actually, on the podcast, we had Bela Lugosi Jr.

Okay. Who is a lawyer. Right. For people who, whose voices and images have been used over the years, like Karloff and the Stooges. And he's a lawyer, so

he fights, too. He fights that now. I know. That's his job. Did you meet him? You met him? No, no, no. Never met him. He was on the phone going, well, I'm a lawyer. I fight in court.

I fight to win the rights of the three stooges. It actually wasn't that entertaining. No. Truth be told. Okay. So this... I know I got to make room for a much bigger celebrity. Larry Fine Jr. is coming in.

We can't get him. Kareem Ali Fine. The next door neighbor of Curly Joe Dorita. When is Murray, let's give you a plug, Mike. When is Murray Saves Christmas? It's on the first couple of weeks of December. Okay, good. On NBC.

On NBC. So, we've been talking to Mike Reese, a man who's never hired me, but has worked on The Simpsons for like 2,000 years and will go out of his way. He swore he'll go to his grave without hiring me for anything he ever works on and was a writer for the Johnny Carson show. You got no ending. Yeah, no ending. Well, we never do. And, uh... You got no ending. Yeah, no ending. Well, we never do.

Yeah, no. I'll tell you how I met Gilbert, and that'll be the end. Okay, let's hear it. Even me. Okay. Or it's my show now. Go ahead.

So thank you for coming. Do your Ethel Merman. Okay. So, when we lived in L.A., we used to throw Christmas parties. And we'd invite 200 people, and 300 people would show up. And we'd always get one celebrity. And it wasn't George Clooney, but we'd get weird. Craig Bjerko.

You know, some weird Al Yankovic showed up one year. So one day, I turn around, there's Gilbert Gottfried, uninvited, in my home. And I say to him,

he's eating my food, he's drinking my liquor. I said, Gilbert, Gilbert, welcome. I'm a huge fan. Thanks for coming to my home. And he goes,

you look like that gay man. And I go, what? You look like that gay man who always plays gay men in the movies. As he spits my food back on me. It's been 17 years. Who's that man? Who's that gay man? But you look just like him.

I'm just like him. So we've been talking to Mike Reese, who looks like that gay man who plays gay men in the movies. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast gay men in the movies. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast here with my sidekick, I fucked up Frank.

That's okay. Usually it's the last name I fuck up. It's getting worse. Frank's a really hard foreign name. I bet you're Jewish. Just think French money. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my sidekick, Frank Santopadre.