Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 134. Mario Cantone

Episode Date: December 19, 2016

Gilbert and Frank usher in the holidays with actor, comedian, singer and Christmas enthusiast Mario Cantone, who discusses his friendship with the legendary Jules Bass, channels Shelley Winters and Barbara Stanwyck and explains the sexual subtext of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Also, Mario praises Andy Williams, Gilbert reinterprets Mr. Magoo, Buddy Hackett voices a groundhog and Judy Garland disses the Munchkins. PLUS: Charles Nelson Reilly! The many talents of Paul Frees! "The Honeymooners Christmas Special"! "The Claudine Longet Ski Invitational"! And the return of Carol Channing and Herve Villechaize! Give a Squatty Potty to somebody special this year for the holidays and they can experience a perfect elimination year round! Go to http://SquattyPotty.com and use code GILBERT and save 25% off your entire order. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Order now. Alcohol in select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried. This is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. I'm here once again with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And once again, we're recording at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Furtarosa. Our guest this week is making his second appearance on the podcast and is backed by popular and overwhelming demand.

Was it really? Was it really popular and overwhelming? Yes, it was. Was it demanding? Was I demanded? I love being demanded. It's lovely to be demanded. I share the tweets with you.

Well, you know, that technical social media stuff, I don't do it that much. I don't particularly like it. I do do it, but my Instagram is like an abandoned amusement park. It sits there. That's sad. I don't care. I do it once in a while. But I did see those tweets because

I'm slightly egomaniacal, and I need to know that I'm loved. More to come after this one. I'm sure. Oh, keep going, Gilbert. I'm sorry. More acc come after this one. I'm sure. Oh, keep going, Gilbert. I'm sorry. More accolades. More accolades. More pies.

Come. Well, that was our guest, Vin Diesel. Yes. I always knew he was a homosexual. I said it. I said it. I knew it. He's so mysterious, Vin Diesel.

He dodges the sexuality questions. You never see him with a woman. Come on, Vince. It's 2016. Kids are jumping off of bridges. We need you. Christ. Let's see if you can get through the intro.

Sorry, keep going. Okay, where was I? An accomplished actor, singer, and writer. I am an accomplished actor, singer, and writer. You are. I'm a terrible writer. I just speak. I don't really write.

But I do sing, and I am an actor. A thespian that can't imagine being a lesbian. I can't. We love guests that don't let us get through the intro. Well, keep lesbian. I can't. We love guests that don't let us get through the intro. Well, keep going. I like that. I like to bounce off the intro. I remember doing that last time. I just kept bouncing off it, back and forth, back and forth.

It's like a riveting, comedic, ping-pong ball game. Go ahead. You know him from hit Broadway shows like Love, Valor, and Compassion. No, they don't, because that was in 1824. So they don't know me from that. No one goes to Broadway that's listening to you. You sounded a little like Charles Nelson Reilly there.

Please. Big banana and crayons. Stephen Sondheim's Assassin. Well, that was quite good. You were great in that. I saw you in that. Stephen Sondheim's Assassin is a riveting, riveting musical drama about everybody who ever attempted to or succeeded in assassinating a president.

You were Richard Bick. I was Sam Bick. Oh, Samuel Bick. Actually, it was pronounced Bike, but in the musical they called him Bick. I'm way the hell off. No, but they pronounced it Bick in the musical. For some reason, it was Bike in real life. But who wants to ride a bike? You'd rather just they called it Bic. I'm way the hell off. No, but they pronounced it Bic in the musical. For some reason, it was bike in real life. But who wants to ride a bike?

You'd rather just write with a Bic. Go ahead. Okay, Gil. And his own one-man show, Laugh Hall. Yes, soon I'll be doing another one if I get the goddamn producers to do it. But then again, I think it's kind of life-sucking. It's exhausting. That's all you worry about is your voice, your singing, your comedic timing, your impressions.

You need to be in good voice every night. And with eight shows a week, it's very difficult to do. You broke into Cousin Googie there. Yeah, I know. Go ahead. As well as TV shows like Men in Trees. Oh, yes. I played a homosexual who gave his kidney to a beautiful straight man that he didn't even know.

Pathetic! Fucking pathetic! We had John Amos here, too, your co-star. I love John Amos. The sweetest. We had a great time with him. The best guy. He's a wonderful guy.

Chappelle Show. Yes, he made me very cool. I have a good story about that. Okay, you'll tell us. All right. Can I tell you now? Yes. Hold on to your paper and listen.

All right. Well, you know, I can usually tell by who the people are what they recognize me from. Like if it's, you know, young women or women in their 20s or 30s, it's always, you know, sex in the city. If it's middle-aged women and black women, it's usually The View. If it's, you know, elderly homosexuals, it's usually Broadway. And if it's a young, beautiful black man, it's usually or a black teen. A dazzling urbanite. A dazzling urbanite. And there's many in my neighborhood.

I love them. I smoke the blunts and hang out with them. I kick it with the homies and smoke the blunts. But it's usually Chappelle's show. And one time I was walking out of my building and on the corner was this handsome, young, beautiful urbanite male with his girlfriend and his buddies. And he said, yo, man, you that comedian, right? I said, yeah. He was like, yo, man, you hilarious.

I said, thank you so much. And I thought he was going to say. And he went, you're the one that does that Liza Minnelli impression. Yo, that's fucking fresh. I was like, what? How do you know? I said, yeah, man, you do that Liza Minnelli, man, yo. And I walked away and I said, thank you.

He was like, yo, man, you my nigga. You my nigga. I was like, and that's like the highest compliment in the world when they say, I was like, I'll be the N word for you anytime. I'll be your N word because you can't say it back. Right. Like I just said it, but I had to say it for the bit. Please. My husband's African-American. Go fuck

yourself. Exactly. How about that? Go ahead. And I suck cock, so walk in my shoes, okay? Don't pull the fucking racist card on me. Walk in my shoes. Go ahead, walk in my shoes. He'll get through it. I was a leper in the 80s.

I was looked at like a le Barbara Stanwyck, I was looked at like a leper. Like a leper. Just because I like to lick pussy. It's like Thorn Birds era Barbara Stanwyck. Oh, it is the Thorn Birds.

I only do them after. Not Ball of Fire. No, not Ball of Fire. Or, wait a minute, what about my favorite one, the ladies of burlesque about the G string.

Oh, sure. Where she's saying, take it off the A string, play it on the G string. Ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-lesque about the G-string. Oh, sure. Where she's saying, take it off the A-string, play it on the G-string. Remember that? Take it off the A-string, play it on the G-string. It's all I picture her fingering herself. And sex in the city.

Yes, that's the big one. That made me international. International. I go to Guadalupe, and they're like, they speak to me in languages. That's nice. I go to Paris. I go to Amsterdam, and they say, would you like to smoke some Sens Amelia?

That's showing my age, isn't it? Sens Amelia. Yes, it is. Oh, my God. Well, go ahead, continue. Variety has called him. Jesus Christ, what? You got quotes? Go ahead, continue. Variety has called him... Jesus Christ, what? You got quotes?

Go ahead. Variety has called him a ferocious comic dynamo. Did they really? They did. Yes. I know some of my reviews. I can quote them, but I won't. He'll quote a few.

The New York Times says he has an uncanny gift. Do I? Really? I have an uncanny gift, but it's not wrapped. Do you mind? It's bare. I'm giving you a bareback gift. It's not wrapped.

Liza Minnelli says, What the hell did I ever do to that guy? What did I do to him? You know, I wanted 20 tickets to his opening night on Broadway. And they refused me. Well, I'll tell you why I refused her. Because I closed the first act with her. I wasn't doing that. Exactly.

It was my opening night. No. Sorry. Sound move. You know. Please welcome back our special holiday episode guest, a man of numerous talents, our friend the demure, laid back, and always introverted, Mario Cantone. Thank you so much.

I'm so happy to be here for our Christmas special, Gilbert, Frank, and Mario in a triangular room. Oh, my God. It's like a pink triangle. It's really not good. Thanks for coming back, buddy. A Jew and a homo in a pink triangle. This is really good. Go ahead.

Can you, before we start the Christmas special. Oh, yeah. Can you do Judy Garland when she was, you know, somewhat in charge of her brain. Of course I can. And then later on. Well, I think when she was very in charge of her brain, she was very sharp, and she could just, you know, talk about anything. When I did The Wizard of Oz, you know, the munchkins, they were little people. They put them all in one hotel, and they used to trash the place. They broke tables, and they were drinking beer and wine and whiskey,

and they would throw artwork off the wall. They were horrible. They would kick you in the shins. We had to catch them with butterfly nets. So that's kind of the way she was. But then I just saw one of her last appearances on the Johnny Carson show and it killed me because she was just like

in Lauderville we had a you know there was a man who used to make a coyote sing and he would, you know, play his...

And it was just like... Johnny kept, like, cutting in and trying to, like, lift up the whole segment. And then she sang the song. Please stay with me Till after the holidays. That's when I need you so. Slash my wrist.

I was like, what? Wow. Oh, yeah. Oh, please be kind. Let's spend the year. Please be mine on New Year's Eve It was so depressing. How soon before she passed away?

It was December of 1968. She died in June of 1968. So she was really on her last leg. Yeah, it was. And you see her early Jack Parr stuff, and it's so sharp. And then you see her later, and it's upsetting. Is that what you wanted, Gil? Yes.

You want to bring the room down? That's for bringing the fucking room down. In fact, can you do her right as she was dying? That is a terrible thing. Old singers never die. They just forget the lyrics. Rich Little was here and you can find it on YouTube. One of his first TV appearances in 64.

And she's sitting in a chair and he's standing and doing... It's very odd. He's standing and he's doing all these impressions. What special was that? On the Judy Garland show. It's like he's bending over her because she's sitting down. Very odd. And she hated

impressionists. Well, she didn't like... They had to sell her on his James Mason to get her to agree to do the— Well, didn't she say, Impressionists make me fart? That's what she said. And I kept waiting for Rich to say it, and he didn't say it. No, they make me fart. I don't like that.

They make me poo out of my little Dorothy hole. Can you do Judy Garland farting? Oh, stop now. Yes, I can. Watch. Clang, clang, clang. There it is. It's a Hugh Martin tribute.

Yeah, it is. Oh, dear God. Oh, dear God. Oh, my gosh. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum parabens dyes talc and baking soda it's made with ph balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils so whether you're going for a run or just running late do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't find secret at your nearest walmart or shoppers Drug Mart today. At Bet365, we don't do ordinary. We believe that every sport should be epic.

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I wait in the world of echo discover the extraordinary with echo the spectacular new show by cirque du soleil now playing under the big top at toronto lakeshore boulevard west the world is yours to create tickets at cirque du soleil.com echo thanks its presenting partners sun life and its official partners air canada and mastercard after this After this. And now back to the show. Yes. Yes. And we got quite a lot of attention for it.

And quite a lot of... Can you do... Just going to keep this. This is like all request night. I'm going to ask you what. Go ahead. Can I do what? Make him do James Mason.

No. Judy Garland giving a blowjob. This is... Now you're blasphemous. This is really against the homosexual way. To take her down like this. Yes. When you do Kirk Douglas getting fucked up the ass

by his son Michael, then maybe I'll do Judy Garland. As Liberace. Yeah. This is so small. It's like a munchkin dick. Oh, all right. When you were here and you did your Carol Channing and Gilbert was doing Herbie Villachez.

Oh, my God, that's right. And people went crazy for it. Oh, my God. But we thought a lot of people wrote, a lot of people said, you got to have Mario Cantone back. Darren and I said it would be the perfect Christmas episode because I don't know anyone who loves Christmas as much as you do. Well, I love Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Well, happy holidays. He's to you. He's in no man's land because he's not really much of a Jew either. Well, well, well. Them's fighting words. Do you celebrate Hanukkah? You ain't much of a Jew either.

Do you celebrate Hanukkah? You ain't much of a Jew either. Do you celebrate Hanukkah? You're not a pious, particularly pious Jew. I, I, I'm one of those, I think. Observant. Yeah, I'm one of those Jews that I don't know when the holidays are. I eat ham and I eat bacon. the holidays are, I eat ham and I eat bacon, but I know that if the Nazis came back, I'd be on a train with everybody else. So that's how I know.

Heartwarming holiday sentiment. This is the most uplifting holiday special I've ever been on. Stewie Stone called me a boxcar Jew. Oh my God. Wait, Gilbert, can you do James Mason getting fucked up the ass by Bert Lahr? Okay. No, I'm kidding. Go ahead. Do it.

Oh, yes. Yes, Bert. Oh, Bert, stick your dick in further in my ass. And then if you could pull your penis out and splosh me

in the face. I wish I could do if I was king of the forest. That's wrong. He was so good. Alright, so what are you going to do? What do you got for me?

I know you're a Rankin-Bass fan. Oh, my God, yes. I know you know Jules Bass personally. I do. I do know Jules. I haven't talked to him in so long. I used to work out with him at the gym. And when I found out it was him, I was like, Mr. Bass.

And you know what's interesting about him? I'll tell you. Because Rankin died, right? Arthur Rankin's gone. Arthur Rankin died. And I haven't spoken to Jules in a while. I always want to call him and just say, you know, you've brought me so much joy, because he has. I'm obsessed with these specials.

He's the Walt Disney of Christmas. Pretty much. He really is. Oh, you called yourself. What? Because of your love of Disney films. Yes. Yeah.

You are a. I'm a Disney fag. Yes. I am a Disney homo from the word go by the way I love the Disney and I love the Rankin Best but I told Jules

you know what's interesting about him is that you know he kind of like was a little not embarrassed but he doesn't

he's like I'm like he's like when he saw my special he loved it and he went you need to do be the snow miser

when they do Year Without a Santa Claus live action which I didn't do just the Dick Shawn part that's the one you should do I said well you know hook me action, which I didn't do. It's just the Dick Shawn part. That's the one you should do. I said, well, you know, hook me up. He goes, I don't do that shit anymore.

But I said to him, I said, you know, on all the extras on the DVDs, there's interviews with Arthur Rankin Bass, who died a few years ago, but there's interviews with Arthur. There's none with Jules. I said, you need to be interviewed. People are going to think you're dead,

and you look much better now than you did back then with the Jew fro that he had. Now he's tighter, and he looks very cute, and he's fit, and he's in his mid-70s. He looks amazing. And I'm like, you need to do those interviews so people don't think you're dead. He's a lovely man. Tried to get him for this show. It's just too tough. I wanted to call him for you, but I hadn't called him for so long that I felt bad.

That's all right. And I still haven't called him. But long that I felt bad. That's all right. And I still haven't called him. But when I do, I'll mention it. And speaking of Disney, we're recording this on December 12th, 2016. Yep. And why is this week a significant anniversary? He died.

He died on the 15th. He died December 15th, 1966. And he was born December 5th, 1901. Don't tell me I know. So 50 years he'll be dead this week. 50 years. And I was just in Disney World. I just went to Disney World.

I did a concert in Fort Lauderdale, and I went to Disney World for four days. It was fantastic. I thought for a while you were going to, and why is this day different from all the other days? I was. I was. Yeah. It's his 50th year. Yeah, it's his 50th year. Yeah, it's his 50th year.

Yeah. Yeah. I was there on his birthday. Uncle Walt. And they didn't even, they kind of tweeted it, but they weren't making a big deal about it. I'm like, there should have been a fucking parade for the guy. It is called Walt Disney World. Yeah.

1966, 50 years ago this week. So let's talk a little Rankin-Bass. All right. We love it. Oh, and I'm just, I was struck by some of the people that are in these cartoons. Oh, yeah. And I haven't seen a lot of them. Gil, of course you've seen Rudolph.

Oh, of course. And you've probably seen Santa Claus has Come Into Town with Mickey Rooney. Oh, my God. I just watched that. And Fred Astaire as the mailman. I remember a boring story, but it meant something to me growing up. It meant something to me growing up. I remember watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with my mother and my sister, Karen.

And they announced that if you went to some music shop or, you know, record store, they had some kind of deal where you bought something and you got a free album of the songs of Rudolph. And my sister, we didn't get all the information. And she wrote a letter to them saying, how do you get that again? And they sent us an album of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. That's cool. I had that album. I had that album. And I have it on CD now because I'm still in the 80s.

Right. Johnny Marks. Johnny Marks. Yeah. Who was in the Brill Building. Wow. He wrote all the music for that, but Jules Bass and Maury Laws wrote all the other specials. Late Maury Laws, yeah.

They wrote all the other specials. They wrote Santa Claus. Oh, Maury Laws is around. I didn't mean to kill Maury off. No, Romeo Muller is dead. Romeo Muller's gone, but Maury Laws is around. I didn't mean to kill Maury off. Romeo Muller is dead. Romeo Muller's gone, but Maury Laws is alive. Who did the little boy? Oh, in...

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The little boy? Yeah. I don't think... You mean Hermie the dentist? Oh, Hermie the dentist. Oh, I don't want to be an elf. I want to be a dentist.

The gayest special. Oh, yes. Because, you know, the father's like, no son of mine's going to have a red nose. You're going to wear this piece of shit on it, and you're going to like it. And he's like, oh, you're going to wear it. No son of mine's going to have a red nose.

What he's really saying is, no son of mine's going to be a little faggot. Pretty much. Pretty much. And then Santa, that fat fuck Santa, he comes in, and when they send Rudolph to the reindeer games with that, I hate that gym teacher comment with his fucking baseball cap. He's a Nazi. Oh, he's the fucking.

Homophobic Nazi. He is every gym teacher. It kills me. It plugs into such a deep-rooted anger that I have because he's like, right, right. Let's see what you got, Rudolph. Right, right. Come on. Let's see.

Right, right. And then Rudolph flies because he's the best one. Sure. Because the girl's like, right, right, let's see what you got, Rudolph. Right, right, come on, let's see. Right, right. And then Rudolph flies because he's the best one. Sure. Because the girl's like, you're cute. And he's like, I'm cute.

And he flies. And then someone's hoof hits his nose and it's exposed and they all are like, oh my, it's like he got a hard-on in the shower

in gym class. It's all there. It's all there. It's the gayest special. And then he meets Hermie who's like, I'm not a misfit. And they go off together to the island of misfit toys.

Remember that? Sure. Why am I such a misfit? I am not such a misfit. You can't fire me. I quit. Why don't I fit in? Why am I different from the rest?

Who decides the test of what is really best? We're not Daffy and Dally. Don't go around willy-nilly. Seems to me kind of silly that we don't fit in. Yeah. Beautiful. But they go off and they go to the island of Misfit Toys, which there's like the train with square wheels and the little girl.

We're on the island of Misfit Toys. It's spooky with King Moonraiser. King. And he's like, wait, what about the, I'm not a Jack in the box. I'm a Charlie in the box. Rudolph went going by key. Oh, look, that's King Moonraiser. If you want to stay on the island of Misfit Toys, you have

to talk to King Moonraiser. It's a big gay bar. It's all there. It's the fire island of Misfit Toys. And what about Yukon Cornelius, who's like a big gay bear? He's got a sled that's... From Chelsea. Yeah, the Chelsea

bear. Oh, yeah, just like any, you know, gay guy from Chelsea. Some big guy walking a little dog. He's got a sled that's... From Chelsea. Yeah, the Chelsea bear. Oh, yeah, just like any, you know, gay guy from Chelsea. Some big guy walking a little dog. He's got a poodle pulling his sleigh. It's the gayest thing in the world. You know what I always hated about the whole story of Rudolph is that it's supposed to be teaching not to be

prejudiced and allows someone who's different in. Yeah. But he's only allowed in after he helps them out. No shit. Because Santa says to Sakama, the gym teacher, he's like, oh, that's too bad. He had a good takeoff, too. So he still doesn't have a good takeoff? He doesn't have that talent just because he sucks reindeer dick?

Really, Santa? Because he's Rudolph the same-sex reindeer? And then at the end, you're right. He's like, wait a minute, Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my... Now he wants? I would have said, you know what, Santa? You humiliated me my whole life. Crash and burn!

You fat fuck! That's what I would have said. You're absolutely right about that. I always felt that way. Well, you know what? Why the fuck is he helping them? Well, no offense to us, but where would we be if we didn't have some kind of talent?

We'd be out in the fucking streets being called a Jew and a fag. Just tell me. Where would we be? It's the same story. It's show business. Oh, we like you because you have talent. They don't like us for what's in us. For what's in my heart, which is basically stone cold anyway.

But that's not the point. And speaking of your talent. Piss me off. And Mario and I will be on the road as the Jew and the fag. That's right. The Jew and the fag. The Christmas special. We're going to do just a little bit of dialogue from Rudolph.

Okay. You want to do the one we talked about outside? Who did I say I was going to do? You were going to do from the Mr. You used to do. Oh, yes. Okay, yes, okay. And Gil, why don't you do a little Walter Matthau? Okay.

All right. So I could do it as Hermie, but I won't do it as Hermie because I've already done Hermie. I think I'll do it as Fat Brando. Okay. Fat Brando. This is the scene between Hermie and his supervisor at the toy factory. Hermie,

aren't you finished with that painting yet? There's a pileup a mile wide behind you. What's eating you, boy? I'm just not happy with my work, I guess. Why? I just don't like to make toys. Oh, well, if that's all.

What? You don't like to make toys. Oh, well, if that's all. What? You don't like to make toys? No, no, no, no. Amy doesn't like to make toys. Mind telling me what you do want to do. Well, sir, someday I'd like to be a dentist. A dentist? Well, you know, a dentist.

Well, we need one up here. I've been studying. It's fascinating. You have no idea. Molas and bicuspids and incisors and Santa Corlea cookies. Ring dings and ho-hos. Chocolate chip cookies. Ringdings and ho-hos. Chocolate chip cookies. Now listen, you.

You're an elf. And elves make toys. Now get to work. Finish the job or you're fired. Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nitwit You can't fire me

I quit Seems I don't fit in It's a little like Brando and Guys and Dolls It is Luck be a lady tonight Luck be I always ask on stage What musical did he do?

Someone yelled out one time The Last Tango in Paris I said that was good Get the butter Get the butter I always ask on stage, what musical did he do? Someone yelled out one time. The Last Tango in Paris. I said, that was good. Get the butter, get the butter, get the butter now. In the news this week. Was it? Yeah.

Oh, that's right. Because of the- Oh, that they said he forcibly- That the director- Ashrae. That Bertolucci and he- Didn't tell her about the butter. Yeah, they wanted to get a reaction from her. That's really fucking- Let's go through these Rankin Bass specials quickly. And I'd like to know, and Gilbert, tell me which get a reaction from her. That's really fucking...

Let's go through these Rankin-Bass specials quickly, and I'd like to know... Gilbert, tell me which of these you've seen. Your eyes are the eyes of a woman in love. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, they cut two of his songs. They cut a couple of his songs, and then they gave him

Your Eyes are the Eyes of a Woman in Love. I forget. There were two numbers that Sky has. I forget what they are. Was Robert Alda the original Sky on Broadway? Yes, he was. Imagine him in it. That was Sam Levine.

He was Nathan, wasn't he? Yes. Yeah. I think so. And Brando and Frank Sinatra hated each other. Hated each other because Sinatra wanted to be Sky. But Brando was more beautiful. But, you know, he couldn't sing it like Sinatra.

It's actually kind of a boring movie. Yeah. And it's upsetting. It's a little stagey. It's Joe Mankiewicz and it should be great. And it's not that good. But Brando's good in it. You know, him singing is hilarious.

It is. They call you Lady Luck but there is room for doubt. So the Leprechaun's Christmas Gold with Art Carney as Blarney Killacarney. Get to the good ones!

Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July with Jackie Vernon. Red Buttons. Ethel Merman. Good ones. Okay. Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July. Jackie Vernon. Jackie, yeah. Red Buttons. Yep. Ethel Merman. Ethel Merman's in it.

Yeah. Yeah, she does some circus song. Now, I'm going to take a wild guess that you can do an Ethel Merman adaptation. I can. I never heard you do Ethel Merman. Oh, yeah. I can do it. Let's hear it.

Ah! You want to hear the... I'm phlegming up. Hold on. Go ahead. Let him have his little... Please edit this. We will.

It's heavily edited. Good, because I've got phlegm up. Hold on. Please edit this. We will. It's heavily edited. Good, because I've got phlegm all over my cords. I've had some vocal problems lately. Let's see. I wish I knew one of the numbers for that, because I don't. But she was, you know, she's, I'll do her in the vagina monologues. There's no gina like my gina. There's no gina, I know.

Everything about it is appealing. Everything that traffic will allow. Nowhere can you get that happy feeling when you are plowing the special bow. All right, that's it. Hilarious. She is funny in It's a

Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. And nobody knew she was a comedian. Nobody knew she could do that. She was actually good in There's No Business Like Show Business with Marilyn Monroe. Dan Daly. She plays the mother. She's very good at that. Right. Donald O'Connor.

Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July. Does this mean anything to you? I forget it. Those are the... Alan Suess. Alan Suess. Oh, I loved Alan Suess. Yeah.

He was really funny. Pinocchio's Christmas in 1980. All right. Now that's going a little too far. Okay, Alan King was in it. Here, Gil. Here, Gil. Theodore Bacall in The Stingiest Man in Town with Tom Bosley.

Yep. Dennis Day and Walter Matthau. Wow. Yeah, 1978. These are not shown anywhere, are they? Yes, they are, on ABC Family. Really? Which is called something else now, isn't it?

I think it's, yeah. Platinum or Plutonium. Something like that. Yeah, they are. On ABC Family. Really? Which is called something else now, isn't it? I think it's, yeah. Platinum or Plutonium. Something like that. Yeah, they play them all. Freeform. Go ahead, keep going. We could have gotten Theodore Bacall, but I figured it wasn't worth the hurry. Yes, exactly. But we were just told he was well-endowed. Yes!

Theodore Bacall had a big dick. Are you serious? Ronnie Schell told us. But so does Burt Ward. Yeah, well, we'll straighten that out when he's on next week. All right, go ahead. What about Frosty's Winter Wonderland with Andy Griffith? I knew I had a crush on Robin for some reason.

Do you read his book, by the way? No, I do. There's a lot of that in there. Does he talk about his cock? The whole book and the cover. The cover is a picture of his cock? Yes. It's a dick pic?

The book is called My Life in Tights. Oh, God. It's a picture of his cock, and around it, it says, Bam. What? What? That was hilarious. That was hilarious.

Oh, the stingiest man in town. Let's see. Frosty's Winter in Wonderland with Andy Griffith narrating. Shelley Winters. She plays Mrs. Snowman. Melting. Look, I'm melting. Frosty, it's sunny out.

Hurry up. Here comes the sun. Hurry up. I'm melting. I can't even. I don't have any legs. I don't have any legs. I don't have any legs. I just have a big ball of snow that I move on.

Well, this was after Durante died, so they were trying to recapture the magic. And they had Andy Griffith as the narrator because Durante was dead. Jackie Vernon reprising his famous role from seven years before. I'm not crazy about this Frosty. The Frosty, no. Oh, Jackie Vernon was Frosty? Yeah. Gilbert does Oh, Jackie Vernon was Frosty? Yeah. Gilbert does a little Jackie Vernon.

Hi, I'm Frosty the Slow Man. I've got some slides for my vacation. Here's Santa Claus climbing down the chimney. Here he is getting stuck in the chimney. Here's the crowd leaving him to starve to death. Oh, my God. That was his act. He had the clicker.

He used it in the slides. Oh, that's hilarious. That was his act. Was Billy DeWolf in the first one? He's in the original one, yeah. He's like the villain. He's the magician. He's the corrupt magician.

He's like, yes, Frosty. Yeah, he's kind of a real, he's hilarious. But yeah, I don't like that he takes that little girl into the greenhouse at the end and gets all hot and he melts. He's a pedophile. I don't like Frosty. Frosty's a pedophile. He's a pedophile.

He has to register anywhere he's built. What about Santa Baby from 2001 with Eartha Kitt? Gregory Hines and Patti LaBelle. Oh, yeah. Well, that's too current. Yeah, too current. Santa Baby. All right.

How much I'm going to die. Rudolph's Shining New Year from 1976. That's not even good either. Yeah. Frank Gorshin. Yep. Maury Amsterdam and Red Skelton. Who else?

Keep going. Jack Frost from 79. Oh, that's with Robert Morris and Buddy Hackett. And Buddy Hackett, Gil. Oh, wow. He plays like a, what is he playing? Like a fucking chipmunk or something. He plays Pete the Groundhog.

Oh, that's right. I knew it was a chipmunk. I'm Pete the Groundhog. And fuck Christmas. That holiday is a wash. The one common thread in all of these things is Paul Freese. He's in every one of them. Oh, yeah. And Paul Freese was the voice of the Cyclops in The Cyclops by Burt I. Gordon.

I love that. You know that. Bless your heart. And starring my favorite star, Lon Chaney Jr. Yeah, we took the name of this show from a Burt Gordon movie, The Amazing Colossal Man. Burt I. Gordon, who's still alive in his 90s. And Paul Freese was in that movie?

Oh, he was the voice of the Cyclops. I love Paul Freese. He did The Burgermeister, I think, right? Sure, sure, sure. I like The Burgermeister's gay assistant. Sire, it's a difficult responsibility. I know the one you mean.

He's like, oh, sire, there are toys in the village. Everyone's fucking really gay in these specials. I don't care what anybody... Why don't you take this up with Jules? Hey, I gotta ask Frank Ferdarosa something. Go ahead. If you could get me the words to the Mr. Magoo's Christmas special,

I'm all alone in the world. Okay, Frankie, see if you can come up with that. I'm on it. You want to know something? I think that is a bad special. The Magoo? You think the Magoo special is terrible? I'm back, back, back, back on Broadway.

It's the worst... Is it Bacchus? Yeah, but it's Julie Stein. It should be great music. It's terrible. I think it's horrible. See, I love the Mr. Magoo. Yeah, well, you know, no one said you had taste.

Mr. Magoo. What do you know? It's a Christian holiday. Yeah, Mr. Magoo's Christmas. Do you know? It's a Christian holiday. Yeah. Mr. Magoo's Christmas. The child is young Ebenezer Scrooge. You see, he is left here all alone. Nobody wants him.

Poor lad. Oh, poor lonely child. Poor lonely child. No one wants to hear Jim Backus sing. This is disturbing. When you're alone, alone in the world. When you're alone, alone in the world. And the kid sucks, too. Shut it off!

You have fond memories of this one, huh? Yes, get me the words to that. I'm singing it to Mario. I can't wait. I'd rather you. They also sing, Can I have a Christmas tree with Razzleberry dressing? Yeah, that.

Oh, little Razzleberry would be nice. Could I have a Christmas tree with Razzleberry dressing? Are they going to eat the fucking tree? What is Razzleberry dressing? Makes no sense. It's like a snozzleberry from Wooly Wonka. A snozzberry. A snozzberry. How about Nestor the Long-Eared

Christmas Donkey with Roger Miller? Oh, wait. It's basically Rudolph, but the ears. And then there's the crooks who are robbing Scrooge after he's dead. Stealing from his home. Are you still on Jim Backus?

Yeah. He can't get off the go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Yep. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. We're, uh, grump, bump, bump, bump, bump. No good.

Yeah, the great lyrics, too. Just great. This was Julie Stein, huh?, the great lyrics. This was Julie Stein, huh? Yeah, great lyrics. Go ahead. Next. Oh, my God. Okay, how about, let's see, The Little Drummer Boy. That's the one.

From 76. Yeah, and they don't show it anymore. With Zero Mostel. That was Drummer Boy 2. Oh, Drummer Boy 2, you're right. Jose Ferrer was in the first one. You're right, you're right. He plays one of the designated.

With Greer Garson. Greer Garson. He was Spanish, but he played a Jew in the King Mutant. Yes, he did. Greer Garson. Green Bomb or something. Yeah, and married to Rosemary Clooney. Yeah.

That's right. Greer Garson narrates that special. She's like, the little drummer boy hated people, old people. He was a miserable little bastard. He really was. It's the greatest special. Let me just say something about the special. They don't show it that much

anymore because they said that it's racist because it portrays Arabs as terrorists. But they're called the desert bandits and they showed the little drum boy when he's young all happy and the father the father and mother give him a drum, and he's got his little yarmulke on, and he's so cute, and he plays the drum, and it's magical, and the animals dance, and then the Desert Bandits sneak onto their property. They stab the father. They throw a knife at him. It goes right in and he goes up.

They burn the mother, and they're all wooden puppets, so she goes up in flames. And they kill the mother and father. And then he goes off, and he's the angriest. And even when he sees Jesus at the end, he's like, I have no gift to bring. He's like, I hate people, all people. And then he yells at the animals to dance if they're not dancing right. It's one of the most depressing specials, but it's so brilliant. And it's Romeo Muller's favorite one.

Wow. It's the best. It's the best one. Interesting. Yes, it's brilliant. Okay, Gil's going to favor you. Oh, what are you doing now? I don't know. Don't give me the goddamn lyrics.

I don't know. Okay, go. Okay, Gil. Okay. When you're alone, alone in the world. When you're alone in the world. Blown away, leaves get blown in the world. Something else gets blown in the world, Chad, doesn't it?

Swirled away, leaves get swirled. Oh, my God. And hand in hand was made for the world. Where is the hand to reach mine? Where are the shoes that click to my clack? I'm all alone in the world. He's the worst lyrics ever. Millions of grains of sand in the world.

Why such a lonely beach? That means bitch. A hand for a hand was planned in the world. Why don't my fingers reach millions of grains of sand in the world?

Why mine's a lonely beach? Nobody likes me. Everyone hates me. Everyone hates me. I'm gonna go in the garden and eat worms. Okay, that's lifted from a nursery rhyme, isn't it? Probably. Where are the

heels that click to my clack? Where is the voice to answer my back? I'm all alone in the world. That was two minutes of time

that you've wasted. It's not exactly on my own from Les Mills, is it? No, but it was, I'm glad, you just proved my point. It's a horrible score. Oh, I love that. Do you really? I do. You need to see The Little Drummer Boy as a young Jewish boy.

You need to see The Little Drummer Boy. It is devastating, and it's the best one. Here's the one you asked me about. Twas the Night Before Christmas from 74 with Lonesome George Goebel as Father Mouse. And Joel Grey. That's animated. That's 2D. That's not the stop action stuff. Right, right, right.

And there's also, you'll love this, Gil, there's also a handy cameo by veteran actor John MacGyver. Wow. This is Christmas. At Christmas time, everything needs to be done according to schedule. I will not allow slackers in my corporation. I've run a tight ship. And Midnight Cowboy breaks out. And that has that song in it.

Even a miracle needs a hand. That's right. That's right. Which South Park did one time in one episode. And then The Year Without a Santa Claus. Stop motion with Shirley Booth. Kind of not great, but great because of the heat miser and the snow miser. Right, right, right.

And Mickey Rooney once again playing as Santa Claus. But it's a strange, strange special. It really is. And Shirley Booth, she's like Hazel. Yeah. Now, I imagine you do a Shirley Booth. Come back, little Sheba. It's kind of like Shirley.

Little Shelly Winters. It's Shelly Winters. They're kind of similar. Come back, Little Sheba. It's kind of like Shirley. Little Shelly Winters. It's Shelly Winters. They're kind of similar. Come back, Little Sheba. Come back. I remember in Come Back, Little Sheba, she tells the whole story at the end, you know, how like she had this dream she dreamt every night of her dog, Little Sheba, running away when she was a little girl.

Sheba running away when she was a little girl. And then she said she would call for him every night before she went to sleep. And at the end, it's really a touching scene. She says to Burt Lancaster, she says, you know what, Doc? I don't think I'm going to call for Little Sheba ever again. And Burt Lancaster goes, doesn't seem like much point to it. Come back, Little Sheba. Come back. Here's the last four.

They just discovered a glass menagerie from 1966 that they showed on Turner Class. Really? The other night with her. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. But come back, Little with her. Yeah, interesting. But come back to Little Jeebo. She was great.

She did it on stage and then she did the movie. Yeah, she was magnificent. Greer Garson in the original Little Drummer Boy. Greer Garson, that's the one we were talking about. I heard Burt Lancaster said he fucked Shirley MacLaine. Not Shirley MacLaine. Shirley Booth? Shirley Booth.

Wow. Yeah. He was hot. I mean, she was kind of like. Yeah. He was. Well, Shelly Winters used to brag about. I fucked everybody.

I did. I fucked everybody. I fucked Jane Franciscus, Tony Franciscus, Kirk Douglas, Laura McCall. I fucked them all. She had the biggest dick, Laura McCall. I love Laura McCall, by the way. We know you knew her.

Do you remember the Christmas? Well, this is not old. Yeah. The Christmas carol with our former guest played Scrooge. One of our former guests. Oh, God. Who was it? You got me.

Albert Finney. We didn't have Albert Finney. I wish to hell we had Albert Finney. That's a good one. That's the musical by Leslie Brickus. And it wasn't Alyssa Sim. Well, I know George C. Scott played him. We didn't have him. Henry Winkler.

Yes. Nice. Really? Henry Winkler as Ebenezer Scrooge? A nice Jew. Could you ever? A nice Jewish boy. Yeah, but.

We had him on the show. I like George C. Scott's Scrooge. Yeah, me too. See, now a lot of people were saying that Scrooge, because he was tight with his money and stuff, that he was actually supposed to be a Jew. But he wasn't. No. No, he was not.

No, no, no. Because all of his relatives celebrated Christmas. Yeah. You know, he was a Protestant or whatever the fuck they were in England. But, you know, yeah. I mean, he was not a Jew. He was just a cheap Catholic. Paul Freese.

Or a cheap Protestant or something else. Paul Freese and June Foray show up in The Little Drummer Boy. Oh, yep. Then Frosty the Snowman. Yeah. These are ranked, by the way. 1969. What number is Little Drummer Boy?

Four. Considering the fourth best. Frosty the Snowman with Durante, with Jackie Vernon. And then it's... Professor Hinkle with Billy DeWolf. Oh, Billy DeWolf. Yeah. And then Santa Claus is coming to town with Fred Astaire. We talked about it.

The Burgermeister Meisterburger. Burgermeister Meisterburger. And Keenan Wynn was the Winter Warlock. Wow. Put one foot in front of the other. That's the song I sent you last night. You're always changing the key. Keenan Wynn was great.

Oh, Keenan Wynn was wonderful. He was the Winter Warlock. And remember Jessica, the girlfriend? Yes. Who had huge tits. The puppet had the biggest puppet tits I've ever seen. And she sings this song that's all mod. And she's so Barbra Streisand.

Played by an actress named Robie Lester. And did she do the singing too? I don't know. Something about this world is not. We'll put that out there to our fans. Now this brings us to an important question. Do you think every Christmas special is about fags? Yes.

I do. They're certainly not about Jews. They're about fags. Oh, Lord. Except for the little German one. But they're written by Jews. That's the truth. Isn't it the truth?

Well, Barbra Streisand did one of the greatest Christmas albums ever. It's true. But, I mean, well, Barbra Streisand did one of the greatest Christmas albums ever. It's true. But, I mean, Year Without a Santa Claus, there's that other song where he's like, if you sit on my lap today, a kiss, a toy, is the price you pay. Come on! Yeah, and he's like,

Be Prepared to Pay was the name of the song. It's like, I'll fuck you in the ass, little boy, and then I'll give you a toy. That's a Nelson Reilly callback. Yeah, I mean, it's either about pedophilia or homosexuality. It's one or the other. It's too big a job for one oversized Kringle and a little lost penguin. Oh, what a good girl. It sounds pedophilia-ish right away.

Wow. Oh! Oh, wait. If you sit on my lap today, a kiss, a toy is the price you'll pay. When you tell what you wish for in a whisper, be prepared to pay. Be prepared to pay? Oh, my God. A kiss, a toy is the price you'll pay. When you sit on my left knee, don't be stingy, be prepared to pay. Okay, that's enough.

Thank you, Frank. That's the original lap dance. Christmas is a creepy holiday. It's a very creepy holiday. Aren't you happy you're Jewish? I mean, come on. Well, you can never be happy you're Jewish. That's true.

You can't be happy you're a Maggie. So don't worry about it. That's true. You can't be happy. You're a Maggie. So don't worry about it. It's okay. You can't be happier in this world today. It's been very troubling. Very troubling. Before we forget.

What? You have to have Barbara Streisand sing a Christmas song. Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle. He's got something for us later. Yeah, I'll sing something. I'm going to knock through these quick. This is MeTV, our friends at MeTV. And they've written about our show, which we appreciate. I love MeTV.

Yeah, they did a little piece on our Don Wells episode. This is, they did a list here called 12 Unforgettable Live Action Christmas Specials of the 70s. Okay. And I wanted to see how many of these you guys remembered. MeTV didn't want me on because they said I was obscene and tasteless. They did. specials of the 70s. Okay. And I wanted to see how many of these you guys remember. MeTV didn't want me on because they said I was obscene and tasteless. They did. Yeah, I don't know where they got that from.

Yeah. Yeah. Starting with Rich Little's. It's an unsubstantiated rumor. Much like when people say you're gay. Exactly. And it's not true. I have a wife and three kids.

I grab pussy whenever I can. And they let me do it because they think I'm a homosexual. And I'm a star, you know, so they're allowed to. You're allowed to grab the pussy when you're a star. And here I am, a star and feigning homosexuality. And I grab the pussy. And believe me, I enjoy it. And then I smell my hand and I go home.

Oh, Lord. Oh, God. Rich Little's Christmas Carol from 79. Who remembers this? I don't. On HBO. Oh, yes, I do remember. W.C. Fields as Scrooge.

Paul Lind as Bob Cratchit. Nixon, Carson, and Bogart. And Peter Sellers turns up as Inspector Clouseau as the ghost of Christmas yet to come. See, now, I think he should have switched. W.C. Fields, I think, should have been Bob Cratchit and Paul Lynch should have been Scrooge. Scrooge. Imagine that. How about the Donnie and Marie Christmas special, also from 1979?

Oh, wow. From the Donnie and Marie Entertainment Center in Provo. Are these going to be playing on MeTV, all of these? I don't know if they're actually going to be playing these. Then why are you talking about? Because I want to see what you guys remember. All right. Cindy Williams and Dorothy Hamill twirled on the ice together.

How about the Star Wars holiday special? I think I saw that a long time ago. We had the director here, Steve Binder, who also directed Elvis' comeback special. Well, don't brag. Same guy. Because it was not George Lucas. We had the director here. I'm kidding.

Yeah. Bart Carney and Bea Arthur turn up, and Gilbert and I still haven the director here. I'm kidding. Yeah. Bart Carney and Bea Arthur turn up, and Gilbert and I still haven't figured out why. Bea Arthur? Yeah. She's the barmaid. In? In the Star Wars Christmas special. Please get off my bar.

Get that trunk or whatever it is. Are you an elephant? What are you? Get off of my bar. How about the Honeymooners Christmas special from 1977? The reunion. When they were very long in the tooth. Jackie Gleason.

Jackie Gleason. Jane Keene replaced Joyce Randall. He's supposed to be, you know, he's a Brooklyn bus driver. And he's got one of those brown- tans where you wonder like where did he get that tan being a bus driver in Brooklyn and he had on a pinky ring and it's like they didn't have a TV or phone and you're going you know now they're old people, and now it's sad. Yeah, because he never made any money in the story. Yeah. Yeah.

He's still driving the bus, but he got a pinky ring. He got it from somewhere. Yeah. He bet a horse. Do you remember the Father Knows Best Home for Christmas from 1977 reunion show? I think I do remember that one. Yeah, with Robert Young. Was Paul Peterson in it?

Is that Paul Peterson? Probably. The Carpenters at Christmas from 1977 with Harvey Korman, Christy McNichol. Oh, my God. And how about Bing Crosby's Merry Old Christmas from 77 with Bowie. And I remember, too, like in that, my favorite thing about the 70s honeymooners was they would break into songs. Sure. Just out of nowhere.

Yeah. The one from Miami Beach. Yeah. They would musicals. break into songs. Sure. Just out of nowhere. Yeah. The one from Miami Beach. Yeah. They would musicals. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sheila McRae was Alice. Sheila McRae was Alice, yep.

And Jane Keene. Yeah. Jane Keene! And I remember- Ah, Connie! One song sticks with me in particular. Ralph and Norton aren't speaking to each other. And Gleason starts singing,

If I was talking to him, I'd really get hot. I'd tell him that a gentleman he's certainly not. If I was talking to him, which I ain't. was talking to him, which I ain't. If I was talking to him, he'd certainly know exactly and precisely where I want him to go.

If I was talking to him, which I ain't. And who wrote that? Probably Sammy Spear. He remembers this, by the way, from 1970. This is when it was in color. This is when they were in color. Yeah, the last time he saw it. This is when they were in color, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they broke it. They made it a musical. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was worse. You know, there's a Honeymoon is Musical that's going around somewhere. Seriously? Like a disease. And I think that maybe they use some of those songs.

I wonder if they do. What were the Get TV Christmas specials you watched? Well, Mitzi Gaynor. How was that? It Christmas specials you watched? Well, Mitzi Gaynor. How was that? It was good. You know, I love Mitzi Gaynor, but, you know, I don't remember any of it. It was like diarrhea. It goes right through you.

How about Perry Como's Early American Christmas with John Wayne? I didn't see that one. Okay. But I think he slept through it, Perry. Did you watch Andy Williams' Christmas specials? Yes, I did. There was a couple of them. The one with the Osmonds.

Sure. Well, they were on a lot of them, right? Yeah. They were on the – well, he loved the Osmonds because they reminded him of his – him and his brothers when they were younger. And his brothers are on there. The Williams brothers are on there. After they broke up, they were still – I forgot that Andy Williams – that they were the Williams brothers.

Had a relationship. Yeah. And they were actually really great. Andy Williams could sing. Yeah, sure. Oh, he was terrific. I remember him singing at, I'll give away my age, but I remember him singing at Robert F. Kennedy's gravesite. Really?

Yeah, Battle Hymn of the Republic. I remember. I'll never forget it. 1968, June of 68. Seeing Andy Williams sing a duet of a Paul Simon song, and he and Paul Simon just sung a duet together. That's interesting. Like, I think it was Sounds of Silence or something like that. And then his ex-wife shot a skier.

Oh, yeah. Remember that Saturday Night Live sketch they did? Oh. They did the Claudine Lange. It was the Claudine Lange ski invitation. They would show a guy taking off and then a gunshot. Yeah. And they'd go, oh, Claudine hit him again. Yeah, Claudine Lange accidentally shot another.

And they had to apologize the next week, I remember. Is that true? Yes. Peggy Lee was on some special. Some Christmas special. It was. Well, I mean, I got a big list here. We don't have time to go through them all.

I think it was... I think it was Andy Williams. Probably. Yeah, he did a couple of Christmas specials. But she... I always love Peggy there because she... Is that all there is is one of my favorite things. Oh, here's something that I think a Christmas carol, the story got right. It's like when other movies

try to say, I'm going to show you what your life would be if, you know, if you won that football game or whatever. And then they have like the guy going, oh what happened why what do you mean Mr. President and they go I'm the president and I'm always thinking in those movies you know well of course you know you're the president you're not showing what a person how a person would actually be but in a Christmas Carol they're outside of it, observing it. Which one are you talking about, the Alistair Simms? All of them. It's the story itself.

All of them, the story itself. Because all these other shows will go, you know, oh, I'm married to you? No, you, of course, know who you're married to. That's your life. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's why it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's why it's been done a million times.

Is that all there is? I have to say that watching It's a Wonderful Life, it's just, it still holds up so well. It's so well made. It's a killer at the end. Yeah. I cry at the end of it. Richest man in town when he holds up that. It's pretty sad. When he holds up that.

And moving it. A toast to my big brother, George. Yes. Sentimental. Oh, Lionel Barrymore. He's so great, man. That film is 70 years old this year. Wow.

Yeah, 1946. It's a brilliant movie. It really is. And they made reference to it in Fort Fairlane. There you go. They did? One of the characters... There we go. They did? One of the characters. There we go. There's a girl named

Zazu Peddles. Zuzu's Peddles. Zuzu Peddles. As opposed to Jimmy Stewart. Zazu Pits. Zuzu's, do it. These are Zuzu's Peddles. I never saw him do

Jimmy Stewart before. Alright, we got something challenging here. Oh, my God. Okay, this is challenging. Now, Frankie, this is, since we're talking about Rankin-Bass. Okay. And Santa Claus is coming to town. Okay.

We're going to try this, and you guys are going to have to be fast on your feet for this one. You suck. Go ahead. Different, Frankie, what do you think? Oh, okay. You want to look ahead? I see who you do, and I see who I do. Okay. ahead. Different. Frankie, what do you think? Oh, okay. You want to look ahead? I see who you do and I see who I do. Okay.

Right. Okay. Everybody can, you can recognize your own. It's every other. Your own. Except we both do one of them, but you can do it. You'll do the ending together. Go ahead, Frankie. Good luck.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better watch out You better not cry You better not pout I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town He's making a list Tracking it twice He's gonna find out who wrote it

Santa Claus is coming to town He sees when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake. You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not cry. You better not pout. I'm telling you why.

Santa Claus is coming all over my face. With little tin horns and little toy drums, rooty toot toots and rummy tumtums, Santa Claus is coming to town. And curly-haired dogs that toddle and coo, elephant boats and guinea-cows, too, Santa Claus is coming to town. That's true, he's coming to town. to town. That's true. He's coming to town.

The kids and girls in Boyland will have a jubilee. They're going to build a toy land all around the Christmas tree. So you better watch out. You better not cry.

You better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Claus, it's coming to town. Well, that was delightful. What is it? Oh, that was

fantastic. That was lovely. I enjoyed that. That was lovely. I enjoyed that. That was Cher and Peter Lorre and Jerry Seinfeld and Shelley Winters. Oh, yeah. And Julia Child. And Julia Child. And Paul Lind. We didn't get to the Carol Channing with this.

We didn't get to the Carol Channing. It's all right. And we didn't get to the Irving Villagas. No, we didn't. Let's do another song. Silent night. Holy night. All is calm.

All is bright. Round yon virgin mother and child. That's fantastic. All right. Jingle bells. Jingle bells, jingle bells. Jingle all the way. Irving and Liza, the Christmas special.

Oh, you better watch something. You want to take us out with something, Mr. Cantone? We're going to let him do a solo, Gil. Okay. Let's do the real Judy Garland singing. Oh, you know what? Maybe I'll say goodbye to everyone and then I'll take it. Yeah, let's do that.

Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and this has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And this has been our Christmas special. And we're ending the show with our guest, Mario Cantone. You are a genius, my friend. Oh, please. Thank you for coming and doing this. Thank you.

I love you guys very much. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas and merry whatever you say. I'd like to close the show as Judy Garland, and I'd like to sing. It's not non-denominational. I'm sorry. It's very denominational.

So let's sing this song. Frankie, hit it. This isn't my arrangement, but I'll do my best. I will. I'd like to wish everybody a very Merry Christmas. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light Next year all our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas to make the Yuletide gay. Next year, all our troubles will be miles away. Once again, as in olden days, happy golden days of your faithful friends who are dear to us will be near to us once more. Someday soon we all will be together if the fates allow until then we'll have to muddle through somehow So howl and have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Oh, is this a little musical intro, isn't it? Take it. That's Mort Lindsey. I like that. That sounds marvelous. Where's Joey and Liza? I think I left them out in the snow. That's all right.

It's fine. They'll be back in soon with Liza's gay boyfriend. Once again, as in olden days. I think I'm on the wrong words. You gave me a fucked up arrangement about everybody.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas now. Merry little Christmas now. Come on in. Mel Torme, Mort Lindsey, Eliza, and her gay boyfriend, Tracy Evans. Now, before you go, Judy Garland's father was a fag, wasn't he? Yeah, supposedly he was gay.

And, you know, he was gay and Vincent Minnelli was gay. Yeah, well, he obviously was. And then Liza married Peter Allen and David Guest. It all gets passed down. When you don't slap them in the face and say, no, he doesn't like pussy, and teach the girl, it gets passed down.

Thank you, my friend. Thank you. You're the best. Mario Cantone. We love you. Happy Christmas.