Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 18. Jay Thomas

Episode Date: September 26, 2014

Emmy-winning actor JAY THOMAS is best known to audiences as doomed hockey star Eddie LeBec on "Cheers" and tabloid talker Jerry Gold on "Murphy Brown," but he's also a show business renaissance man, having worked as a stand-up comic, disc jockey, sportscaster and reality show host. Jay stopped by Gilbert's apartment on a late summer evening to share some hilariously candid anecdotes about everything from stealing Bill Cosby's jokes to getting kicked out of a "West Wing" audition. Also: Jay looks back on the infamous "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?"! Joe Piscopo runs afoul of the mob! Jay runs afoul of Rhea Perlman! And The Lone Ranger "rides" again! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In Season 3, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. Jay Thomas is a show business jack of all trades. He's appeared in movies like Mr. Holland's Office and TV shows like Mork & Mindy and Cheers and Murphy Brown, for which he won three Emmys. He's also a popular and successful radio host and the star of the aptly named The Jay Thomas Show.

So here to tell hilarious stories and to borrow a pair of my socks for some reason, it's Jay Thomas. Hi, Gilbert Gottfried with Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. Here with my sidekick, Frank Santopadre. And if you've never heard of Ray Thomas, that's... Ray Thomas. He's tired.

Jay Thomas. Yeah, Ray. Oh, if you've never heard of Ray G, well, you can call me Ray. You're rough. And you can call me G. Really? But you don't have to call me Johnson.

I will tell you, I'm now glad you were fired. Yes. I am. Now, Jay, you've known me a while. Can you please just talk about how great I am? Are you hard of hearing? Is that why you yell like this? Yes.

God forbid. I have to put headphones on. And I hope these are noise canceling rather than... Alright. Well, I will tell you, it's lovely to be... It's weird when you know someone as long as I know Gilbert.

We were at the improv together years ago, and I realized I didn't want to be a part of the group of individuals called comedians. I really found all of them like, what, what is wrong with, they're all unhappy. And I come in there happy and telling jokes cause I'm happy. They're all miserable. And Larry David is, you know, he'd throw a rope over the, you know, the rafters in the back and want to hang himself. Everybody was crazy.

You were actually fairly happy. You lived with your mother, I remember. Yes, yes. Is she dead now, your mother? Yes, yes. Is that why you live here? Yes. Yeah, I moved in here.

And Dara's taking care of you like your mother did. Yeah, yes. Pretty much. But it's a really lovely apartment in a beautiful neighborhood where four guys asked me to move in. Good evening. Yeah. But it's a really lovely apartment in a beautiful neighborhood where four guys asked me to move in. Good evening. Now, who were the other comics you remember back then? I remember guys that

kind of didn't make it. Barry Diamond. Remember him? Oh my God, yes. Yeah. He had a great joke. He said he was playing basketball in a neighborhood so rough he went up for a layup and a guy shot him in the knee. And I remember going, you know, God, you know, Episcopal was there who was a good guy and then became a complete asshole. And I think admits it, you know, and then, you know, had these big muscles and said he never took any juice. And I said, Joe, I've been working out with weights my entire life.

And unless I took something, I wouldn't look like you. He'd demand, you know, but he's on. I never took anything. So, so, Joe, Larry David, the Wayans brothers, I think. Oh, Keenan Ivory Wayans used to be. One night I did a bit where I did the whole, the movie, the TV show Zorro. There's a television show, Zorro.

And I had a wooden horse and I had props and all this and I ride the wooden horse around and I pretend I'm the big fat sergeant and I ride out of the door and the door closes and I'm locked out of the improv. And by the time I got around to the front and came back on the stage, they'd put another comic on.

They didn't wait for me to come back. That's true. I came and then I come riding down the middle and I go and there's, you know, somebody else who was a really good looking comic. He was in Boston and he had testicular cancer. Oh yeah. What's his name? That way I think was Brant Von Hoff I think, was Brant Von Hoffman. Yeah, Brant Von Hoffman.

Yes. Yeah, I remember him. They were nice guys. Yeah, he was known for testicular cancer. Yeah, he went and he gets testicular cancer, and I think I mentioned it on the stage. And, you know, I was just developing this style of being an asshole, I guess,

and there was a ball-headed guy in the front row, so I just worked this ball-headed guy over. And it turns out it's Brant's dad, who didn't like the fact that he was a comedian or whatever, and he'd come to the show, and I said, well, why don't you put your ball-headed fucking father in the front row? Who, by the way, his head looks like the testicle that's left. Oh, yeah.

They hated me. No wonder. So that was that. And he became the president of HBO, who was the manager. Oh, yeah. Chris Albrecht. Chris Albrecht, sure. So I know Chris.

I see him every now and again. Restaurants, how you doing? And he's the head of HBO. Never calls me. Nothing ever happens. Likes me and all that. One day, I get a call from Chris Albrecht. Like at my home, called the agency or whatever.

He says, Jay, I'm doing a show at blah, blah, blah. Would you come and do it? I go, yeah. What is it? And he says, you know, women in film or something. He booked me to emcee a free afternoon luncheon. Oh, wow. Women in film.

And that was it. He booked me for a free, I guess he figured I'd be the only emcee available that day. Yeah, it was weird. That you'd be so thrilled. I did it. I went and did it, you know, and there was, you know, whoever was there and women in film. And, you know, I think my line there was I really loved Bonnie and Clyde. And it was a chick flick with a happy ending.

Not Bonnie and Clyde. Thelma and Louise. It was a chick flick with a happy ending. And they groaned because in the, the two women died in the car. I thought that was funny. I said I didn't go down on women during their period. I remember I said that.

Seems like the right room for that. Yeah, it was all bad. I can't believe it. As my wife would say, well, of course she'll never abuse you, ever, as long as you live with that kind of material. It's horrible what you're saying. Didn't Albrecht, wasn't he half of Albrecht and Zamuda, comedy A to Z? He did try to do some comedy for a while, right?

And then he was the manager, the bartender kind of a guy over there. Yeah. And then Bud would open sometimes. When you were there, did you always want to follow a singer? Who were those sad singers at the improv? Well, I remember she mainly worked catch, but Pat Benatar was a singer at one time. Oh, wow. And Patti Smythe.

Holy shit. Yeah. They were like the big singers. Fuck. Can you say holy shit? Fuck shit. Okay. Cunt.

Well, Rick Newman was managing Pat Benatar. Oh, yes. She was a singing waitress. That's right. Okay. Cunt. Well, Rick Newman was managing Pat Benatar. Oh, yes. She was a singing waitress. That's right. At Catch. Wow. And there were a bunch of other singers who went absolutely nowhere. Yeah, and they would sing, you know, and the crowd is there, and it'd be polite, and you're going, oh, you know, they couldn't wait.

You know, they'd think anything was funny. And what I remember, when the singers would get off stage, or when they were ending and saying goodnight, the waitresses, for some reason, as a show of support, would start screaming, more, more. And I thought the audience is looking around going, we don't want to hear any more of this. We didn't come to a comedy club to hear singers. The waitresses wanted to hear more singing? Yeah. They must have been lesbians. You had to be lesbian singers. Jay, you said you were a comic

when you started out in New Orleans you were doing other people's material. Yeah, I did. In high school I started imitating Bill Cosby and Woody Allen and whoever because you get an album. They weren't on TV all the time. And I would do that.

And then I'd put my own stuff there in the middle. And I began to win talent shows and stuff. And then I got hurt playing football. And it was devastating for me because that's all I really wanted to do. And so a teacher said, look, we're having the talent show. And they were big deals. You know, thousands of people would come over five nights to these talent shows. And so I emceed my high school talent show at Jesuit High School in New Orleans.

And I won the talent show. I wasn't entered. And I won it. And so then other schools called. And so then I was taking typing lessons at the YMCA, which was about six or eight blocks from the French Quarter. And I would go into the French Quarter and I would say, can I tell jokes? And it would either be strippers would be there or there was like a hootenanny kind of a place or whatever. And they would let me tell these, you know, my jokes.

And I would sometimes stand in the where the go-go dancers danced in like a cage. And guys would throw shit at me while I was telling. It's like the Blues Brothers. Yeah. The chicken wire. And the cops would come. And, you know, I was, you know, 16. And I'd hide under the stage.

And it was fun. And I, you know, my parents would have been horrified. So I'd drive and I would touch the YMCA. I was Catholic. I don't want to lie. Touch the edge and then go tell jokes. My dad would go crazy because I couldn't type. And I said, you know, my hand hurts.

I can't do it. I go to his deathbed. He said, you know, never understood it. You know, you can't type, but you're very funny. I go, well, I don't know how that happened. You rest easy now as you take off. So, yeah, that's true. It was nobody knew.

Or if they did know, they thought I did a good impersonation. Didn't you do the Woody Allen bit about stealing second base and feeling guilty? Yeah, feeling guilty and going back. Yeah, stealing second base at this paranoid camp he went to you know and then bill cosby i did all the football stuff you know pro this is a kid kid this is a pro what's the matter with you boy well i can't get no girls yeah and you ugly too and oh jesus christ they would go crazy this is your beginning in show business yeah it was fun and um you know i did theater and stuff and then i i boxed, I wrestled,

I played football, I ran track, and then went on to college and kind of did the same thing and told jokes and started writing my own material and became a DJ. Sports announcer first. In Charlotte? No, actually in Panama City, Florida. I was a high school football announcer at the junior college

and did stuff there. And then moved to Pensacola, and then to Knoxville, and then to Nashville, and then to Charlotte, North Carolina, and then from there Jacksonville, Florida. And then I moved to Charlotte again and back to New York. I was a big deal in the South. I did basketball, football, told jokes, morning guy, and all that stuff. Howard Stern once said that they used to listen to me at 99X before they were in Long Island.

I remember 99X. I made fun of everybody. Steve Allen came in. It was a big deal for me when he came in. He wasn't funny at all. He's one of those guys that, and I have comics come on my show now and it drives me nuts that they don't know how to do it. Like you, you know how to do radio and

you're not afraid that you're going to ruin your show that night or whatever the hell it is. Right. There are a lot of these comics who are afraid, I guess, if they do their material in conversation that they can't use it again. And you know, the joke is, well, no one's listening to this show. But I've thrown a football and told the same joke on Letterman for almost 20 years, and there are still people that come up to me or send me the video as if I've never seen it before. And it's been 10 million hits or whatever. So you can tell you the same crap over and over.

I mean, you do the same material forever and ever. There are also those comedians that come on the radio that unless the interviewer has it prepared, like, and goes like, so I heard you were trapped in an elevator with a gorilla. It's worse than that. I will lead them to everything I think they should be working on. So I would go to some young comic, you know. I would go, what about that war in Iraq? I must have some jokes about that.

You know, hey, how about that traffic out there? And I say to my producer, I go, you know, just tell me what to ask them. And I ask them, you know, whatever it is. You know, got boyfriend troubles or whatever, you know. But a lot of young comics come on and they just, you know, they don't all the, let's say over

45 years old, you know, all the they're all beat up and drunk and everything else. They don't give a shit. They come on, they'll say anything. I mean, have you ever heard anyone yell out one of your bits when you started doing it? Oh, yes. Oh, you have? Yeah, yeah.

Does that bother you? Yeah, it's annoying. I've had opening... Do the Japanese guy for us. They do that one? I've had opening acts doing one of my bits. That's impossible. Yeah, I've heard, I've been sitting

in the dressing room hearing the opening act and I go, oh, that's my bit. My God. What are you doing a case like that? Nothing. Remind them. Hey, do you remember the story of Joe Piscopo getting beaten up? Yeah. By a mobster.

Yeah. Yeah, he was making fun and he was beaten in the coat room, and he was put in the hospital for three days. Joe and I were really close friends. He had married a woman from Fort Walton Beach, Florida. I was a DJ in Jacksonville, and he was going to a college, kind of a broadcast college there, and he and his roommate would do bits on my nighttime radio show.

And so years later, like five or six years later, I end up in New York and I'm here as a DJ and I'm here to do my thing, right? And I go to the improv and there's Joe Piscopo telling jokes and we'd never met face to face. I don't, I don't think. And I went up to him and I said, it's me, you know, Jay Thomas. And I, and he goes, what are you doing? I said said I want to be a stand up and he got me in there on Sunday nights I guess we started on Sunday nights so Joe got me into the improv

yeah that's how we started I remember Joe during that period of muscle man period he used to grease his muscles yes it was odd it was a weird thing why was he beaten up?

He made a catch. Oh, was it catch? I thought it was improv. Catch is where, because he was joking about some guy in the audience. Oh, yeah. All the mob jokes. Like you were doing, pushing your nose

to the side. You were explaining that to the listener. Well, it's not being filmed. Why don't you Skype this? Yes. But he's doing all the mob jokes, and what are you, a hitman for the mob? Oh.

Turns out he was. Was, yes. And then he comes out. Joe is just there at the bar. His name was Nick Slasher Abagado. Something like that. No, even better. Wow. And then he's out at the bar. His name was Nick Slasher Abagado. No, even better. And then he's out at the bar and out of nowhere this guy

punches Piscopo right in the face. Just cold cocks him. Yeah, yeah. Rick Newman's great advice is, Joe, run! And he makes a run for it. And then Rick Newman visits Joe Piscopo at the hospital.

And he's shaking his head back and forth. And he goes, I can't believe he did that. I can't believe Johnny Rip would do a thing like that. Well, you know what else? No one, no cops were called, no lawsuits. Nobody saw it. Nobody said anything. You know, nowadays, you know, first of all, you tweet it.

Oh, yes. First thing you do, I was beaten tonight, you know, by an Italian. Then Joe would get in trouble for saying he was a mobster. He had to apologize. And by the way, he wore black shoes. That's racist. He had black shoes on. And I ran like a shoes. That's racist. He had black shoes on. And I ran like a Negro.

That's racist. Yes. And I wanted to go home and get an arrow, put it through his heart, like an Indian, like a red skin. It would have been all. And I wanted to kill his family like a Puerto Rican. It would have been racist. And I turned yellow like a Chinaman. Yes, I was as yellow as the guy that delivers my food.

Oh, yeah. He'd be ruined. He'd be ruined. It's way over 146 characters. It wouldn't work as a tweet. We'd like you to comment on the firing of Anthony from Opium. I said, here's my comment. I don't give a shit.

I just hope they free up his salary and give me a raise. I don't care. What do you think of the Redskins controversy, being a football guy? I think he has to change the name, and I think he must be trying to save on, I don't know what, what, stationery? I don't know what he's doing.

He's got to change it. And now he's lost his copyright protection. The Radskins. How about that copyright protection? The Radskins. How about that? Come on, Radskins. Let's go. There's really no fearsome name you can think of. That's the problem.

We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. Now, you, much like, what was the guy on Married with Children, originally from Happy Days, who killed every show? Oh, I know who you're talking about. Ted something. Ted McGinley. Ted McGinley. Yeah, I have that in me.

So you were like the Ted McGinley for a while. What shows have you killed? Well, there was a line of them back, but, you know, I was added to the cast of Hung. Next day, canceled. I did Dennis Miller's TV show, canceled. But literally the next day. Yes. I just did The View.

Sherri Shepherd interviews me. God told her it was over. Did you read that statement? God made the earth in seven. That's a completion. She's been here seven years, so it's over for her. You know? That's it.

I've watched shows that were canceled. This is that, and why did it cancel the next day? I just saw that show for the first time last night. You get a lot of power. One show you were put on right at that desperation stage. You know, there are always these series. I have done that, the desperation. At the shark jumping?

Yeah, what did I? Okay, this one, this was a show that was a big hit at one time, and then they went in for every gimmick and stunt and extra character they could throw in to try to salvage it. What show? Mork and Mindy. Well, now wait a second. Well, he was there for three seasons.

Now wait a second. Mork and Mindy was the number one show because of Robin. And I remember watching it, and I was not – I'd done some off-Broadway stuff and was fooling around with you guys. And so I'm watching Mork and Mindy and thinking, wow, this is crazy. And I get called for an audition. And I was in that group where Jay Leno's face scares children. Have you heard that?

Oh, yes. That was Mork and Mindy. They looked at his face. And these were the days when they flew you out to Hollywood for a screen test. And this is what I remember. I go and hundreds of guys are trying to get this part of the deli owner and I win the audition here and they fly me out first class. I'd never been in a first class seat

and I'm working at the radio station at 99X at the time and I'm in the first class and I can't believe there's going to be Chateaubriand and champagne. I mean, it was a big deal. And all of a sudden they bring in and they lay down two seats next to me, two giant first class seats like right next to me and the one behind me. So it's me and now the seats have been leveled and they bring on a stretcher. And in the stretcher is an old, dying woman that they're transporting from New York to Los Angeles. And they put her in the seats next to me.

And when I say dying, dying. And so her daughter can't afford the first class seat so she's in the back. And the daughter comes forward to roll her mother so that she doesn't get any more bed sores.

And it's a six hour flight. And here comes here comes the Chateaubriand, you know, the cocktails, the whatever. And every now and again, this almost dead lady fart would come, wafting. And then the daughter would come, and she would ask me for help and we would move this blanket and the old lady would go six hours across the country yeah that's that's it you can't yeah you can't write it make it up nothing yeah it ruined my whole trip but you get there i got there i get there and the audition

is like on monday and they put me in the Holiday Inn there in Hollywood, and Alien was showing. And it was pilot season, so all the comics were out there. And Larry David was there, and I think Rob, who was the, oh, God, I know him so well, too, and I'm forgetting. Robert, he played the agent on HBO. Oh, Robert, I know him so well, too, and I'm forgetting. Robert, he played the agent on HBO. Oh, Robert, yeah. We're all forgetting.

Oh, from Odenkirk. No, no, no. Oh, Robert Wool. Yeah, we're Robert Wool. And they're all starving, and they're all comics, and they're there for pilot season. So aliens play, and, you know, this movie. So I'm doing anything to relax myself.

I go over, and I see these comics that I know. And I get in line and I see them all. I'm saying hi and I'm so happy to see them and everything. There's like eight or nine of them. And I go, what do you got? You know, we're all here for pilot season and we're living in this thing. And I said, oh, well, I'm here at the Holiday Inn. Paramount flew me in and I'm screen testing tomorrow for more.

Oh, wow. I went and got popcorn. When I turned around, they had dispersed. They were not sitting with me. They were not around me. That was that. So now I go into this unknown movie, and I'm just there, and I can't stand horror movies. I'm scared to death of things.

I sit down in the middle next to this, and there was a black guy next to me. I'm sitting down there. When that monster came through John Hurt's chest, I grab on to this black guy next to me, and I'm like in his legs, get the fuck off me, man. black guy next to me. And I, I don't, I mean, I'm like in his language, get the fuck off me, man. Yeah.

And so I watch Alien. That ruins me. I go back to the room. I wake up and I read with a series of girls that were going to play my sister. And so I pick out the cutest one

and immediately want to, you know, fuck her that night. You know, and I thought we'll be on TV a long time. Why not fuck while we're doing it? They hired the least fuckable woman of the group. And she played my sister because she played cards with, you know, Gary Marshall or whatever reason they chose. And then I go do Mork and Mindy, and for some reason, Robin had no interest in me being there. None. He wasn't exactly mean, but he wasn't welcoming, and

I know he was all coked up and all that kind of stuff. But instead of me, the character, taking him places and showing Mork, you know, the world or whatever, did you do a Mork and Mindy? No. Oh, they would bring in, they brought in, you know,

Paul Rubens came in. He was a comic. They would bring in all these comics, and they would have the scenes with Robin. And I would have two or three lines or whatever, and if I had a show, I thought I did well. So, you know, Robin just, just you know wasn't saying gee let let me be with Jay right and so now this first season ends and I'm making like ten thousand

dollars a week right and um the agent that I'd gotten didn't um believe or something that I got these big auditions and I was already in radio I had a lawyer and everything else so I called the guy up I said look, I've got a huge audition, and you're not really treating this properly, so I'm not going to use you as an agent. And he says, well, I'm going to sue you. I go, well, okay, but, you know, I don't know. So I call this lawyer friend of mine, and I go, you know, this agent guy,

he says, well, I know the vice president of Paramount, and my lawyer calls up, and he goes, yeah, we got you the deal and the whole thing. And so now the agent sues, right? And for five, you know, for 10% or whatever it was. And I hadn't signed a contract with him. And in L.A., they make you sign. But in New York, everybody was running around with us. And had I won the lawsuit, I would have changed.

All these actors could have just stopped working with their agents who they never signed with. So now the union gets involved. Everyone gets involved. And I think I paid the guy 5% for a year. So now I didn't have an agent. I had no one to send the check to. I would stand in line with all of the truck drivers and everyone getting their checks on a Friday night at a window at Paramount. And they were getting $800 or $1,000.

And this $10,000 check would be handed to me through the window. And I would get this $10,000 check. And I'd made, you know, 60, 70 grand. I made money as a radio. Now I'm making, you know. So I would sign a piece of paper and I would go to the bank and put my $10,000. I didn't even need two shows. The $10,000 would last me forever. Sure.

$10,000 a week. Yeah. The lawyer guy calls me. I still don't have an agent. I have no agent. You know, I don't even know how to get an agent. I'm on national TV. No agent.

He calls up. He goes, oh, and this is what they used to do in Hollywood. They would lower your salary and cut your shows. And, of course, you quit. You quit. So the lawyer calls up. He goes, look, they're not as happy with you, blah, blah, blah. They're not going to give you a full season.

I go, oh, okay. I'm on the phone in my apartment in New York. They're not going to give you a full season. I go, oh, okay. I'm on the phone in my apartment in New York. He goes, yeah, instead of doing, you know, 13 or 26 or whatever, they're going to give you eight out of 13 shows. And they're going to cut your salary to $9,000 a week.

And I go, okay. And the guy goes, did you hear what I said? I said, yeah. Eight times nine is 72. Something like that. And he could still get along. It was fine. You didn't need a telethon.

And the guy kept saying, now, do you want someone to negotiate for you? No, I think this is going fine. I think this negotiation is really going well. And I said, you know, where do I go to get the papers? When I show back up at the set, everyone's like, what?

What did he do? We cut his salary. We cut the show. He's okay. He said, all right. You wouldn't take a hint. So I did the next season. And then in the third year, they fired me and about four other people, and they hired Jonathan Winters. Yeah, that's what they did.

But I did 30 shows or something, and it was in the whole time. I did 14 minutes or whatever. It was weird. I wasn't any good either. Like the whole time I did 14 minutes or whatever, you know. It was weird, you know. I wasn't any good either. But they also didn't really have me ever doing it. It was one of your first acting parts, really, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'd done theater and stuff.

But it was, I didn't really do enough work to get better, you know, to become a TV actor. Then I came back to New York, went back into radio and did four or five years of solid theater and did some more stand-up. Not a lot. And really learned how to act. And then when I went back to L.A. again, I was replaced by Howard Stern.

He learned so much from me that he beat the piss out of me. That would go on to happen many times. Yes, it did. Many markets. Over and over again. And so I go out there, and I auditioned for Cheers, and I got on Cheers. Yeah, that's how that happened.

Now, he was a story I was talking with Frank about. I don't know where he's going, Jack. What is it? Now, you then, you're on Cheers, like a number one show on the air. Yeah. Second number one show I'm ruining. Yes, yes. Number one.

I played a really nice guy, though. I played a really sweet hockey player. And then you went back to your radio show. Number one radio show. Yes, and had some, we're talking about... Rhea Perlman. Rhea Perlman. Rhea Perlman. I would make fun of the character Carla.

I mean, everybody did. They were Carla. And I was being listened to all over L.A., right? And I go to work, and I started noticing she didn't speak to me. You know? And guys would call up, and they'd go, hey, you want that collar on? You know, they got to pay you extra. I go, yeah, I get battle pay to kiss her.

And we rub our stubble together, you know? Ah, ha, ha, ha. So one day I'm home. Phone rings. And it's Jimmy Burrows, the biggest director. Yeah, sure. And I'm in my living room, and he says, are you sitting down? I'm thinking, I know they're going to add either Bebe Neuwirth or me as a main character,

because I was recurring, but I recurred a lot. Oh, cover a TV guide, one-hour specials. We did it all. We had children together. We had children together. We had everything. And he goes, well, and he goes, now this isn't because of Ria. But he opens with it. Right, so you know it.

And I go, you mean I'm not coming? No, you're not coming back, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So it's kind of quiet for a minute. And I go, well, okay. I think he reiterates, you know, this isn't for real. This is real. And I go, okay. And so then it's quiet and he goes,

do you want to know how we're going to get rid of you? And I go, okay. And he goes, well, we find out you're a bigamist and you're such an old beat-up hockey player that you're run over and killed by a Zamboni machine, which goes like half a mile an hour and cleans the ice. And he starts dying laughing on the phone. And you were traded to the Pittsburgh Penguins, which we know, but it's the Ice Capades Penguins, and we're going to bury you in your penguin suit.

And this is how much of an actor I am. You want me in the coffin? I would have gone back for another nine grand. I'd have gone back and died and been dead, like Sherry frigging Shepard. Hung around. They canned me. Oh, you fired me?

Give me some makeup. I'll be back out in a minute. Your old buddy Ken Levine did a funny blog about the death of Eddie LeBec. Yeah. Recently. Yeah, then he went on to be a big baseball. A baseball guy for the Padres. Something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you killed one show. You were killed on another show. I've been killed. Yeah, it's all happened. It's all happened. But you won an Emmy. Two. Two Emmys.

Nominated three times. Okay, one was Murphy Brown. Two. All three. All of them. Oh, all were Murphy Brown. So now I lose my job at Cheers. Back to the radio. And I was doing other episodics. I was on the radio.

And, you know, and I would make fun of it on the air. I was playing dance music. I mean, every Mexican in L.A. listened to me, and my car was parked immediately when I pulled up. I couldn't get into the club, but my car was waiting for me when I came out. So, was waiting for me when I came out.

So, um, no, like I tell them, yeah, they don't, they have only us. And,

uh, so now apologize to Mexicans. I am Mexican. My mother's black. I'm not apologizing. How can you make fun of a black,

and my mother's black and she has those big immigrant nipples. They look like that hard sausage that you buy in the Italian deli. The ones you cut, they have like dots all over them. Goddamn, Gilbert.

You made me choke on my own shit here. So they send you a script. This happened with West Wing, too. And, you know, I was kind of known, and no one knew what happened at Cheers. You know, it wasn't like Twitter or whatever. So I go in, and they'd been on the air for a few years at Murphy Brown, like two or three years or whatever. And they were looking for a guy to be in the office or something like that who was kind of an overbearing asshole.

So I come in, and all the people there, and a director I knew from New York was there. Barnett Kelman was his name. And Diane English is there and they're all there. And so I come in and I begin firing like an asshole completely. I looked at Barnett and I go, I thought you were dead. I did all that shit. And I animated he had AIDS or something. He was very skinny, you know, whatever. And I get back to the car, get the phone, and my agent goes,

well, what did you do over there? What happened over there? I go, what do you mean? He goes, well, they don't, you're not being called back, and they don't want you, like, to come back over there. I go, well, no, I was playing the carrot. You know how they go, well, he came in, he was ball-headed, he brought a knife with him, we hired him as the killer. You were doing a little method.

Dead. Completely, you know, get out of here. So other stuff happened. I do other work and everything else. And a few years passes. And they have another character named Jerry Gold that no one saw, but it was the nemesis of Murphy Brown, the left-wing news announcer. And Jerry Gold was, you know, like Bill O'Reilly or somebody, right?

Morton Downey Jr. was the guy back then. So they go, we got to get somebody in here. And they go, hey, remember that asshole, Jay Thomas? Yeah, let's get him back. I swear to God. Remember that asshole, Jay Thomas? Yeah, let's get him back. I swear to God. So they call my agent, and he says, they must have forgotten that they read you three or four years ago, but go in anyway.

I go in. I am nervous. I'm completely nervous. So they give me the script, and I read, and it's dead silence. And they go, what's that? What is that? I go, they go, act like you did before. I go, what do you mean? When you said he was going to die of AIDS and all this kind of shit.

And so I just acted like that in the game of the job. They wanted you to go off script. They wanted me to act like an asshole. I see. So that's what happened. And now I did that. I got called for the West Wing. I choked on a guy.

Why am I eating during an interview? Rob Lowe was sitting in the lobby, sweating bullets, and because of that video or whatever, he hadn't worked in a long time. And he had been called back four or five times. I'm so well known, I was just called back for the final auditions for West Wing to play some guy in the White House. And my agent's going,

you know, it looks like it'd be you and two other guys. No sweat. So Rob is out there sweating. I say, hey man, what's going on? He goes, hey, I'm back five times. I don't know what's going to happen. I go, shit, you know, they ought to hire you. I go into this room full of people.

John Wells is there, you know. Sorkin probably had done like a half a gram of Coke and he's sitting up in the audience up there. West Wing. And I go, before I audition, I'd like to say I think you should hire Rob Lowe. And this room full of people goes, why?

I go, because he has a huge cock. You'd seen the tape. And if you see the video, you see the girl right here, a big squiggly line. Rob is right here. And they threw me out of the audition. I get back to a phone, and my agent goes, what did you do in there? I drove back to Santa Barbara, and we moved. We moved away.

We moved to the East Coast. I'm not joking. Wow. Yeah, it was bad. It was bad. But even today, the casting director will hug me and say, that's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. It ruined you, but it was the greatest.

But how did you manage to get the part from this? I didn't get the part. Yeah, that was that famous Rob Lowe with the two girls. Yeah, and they didn't even want me on the lot. It was, like, weird. Because that's all, that was their problem. They couldn't decide whether they should hire this nice looking guy to play the

part or if this video thing would play into it. But no one would say it. So I said it. Did Rob ever contact you and say We know each other. I did a little movie for him. I never told him I did this, but maybe he's heard it. I don't know. It's not a story I tell on talk shows.

You just did. Well, on this one, I would. Who's going to hear it? No one. No one at all. Who's going to fucking hear this? Now, you've worked a lot with... I could choke and die here. And you know what?

It would be like in the old days when they go like this. President Adams, what? The war is over. They signed the treaty a month ago. Oh, wonderful. That's how long it takes, you know, for information.

The treaty was signed. France surrendered. Win. Two years ago. Oh, thank God. Bring our troops home. They're still fighting and the ships are going over. Now, you've worked with and are friends with Richard Dreyfuss.

Yeah, I did Mr. Holland's opus. And then he would hire me to do stuff. And he was doing a drama at PBS and he got hurt. to do to do stuff and and he was doing a drama at pbs and he got hurt and um he uh they go well richard what are we going to do you know and we another scene we can get another actor and he goes yeah i think you ought to bring jay thomas in and all of these dramatists at people they go jay thomas and he goes yeah that's who I want to replace me. And they called me up, and I had 103 fever. And the director calls me up and goes, hey, what do you know?

I go, oh, man, I'm really sick. I'm in bed. He goes, yeah, I'm doing this thing with Richard there in New York. And it's too bad. They'd like you to come. And I go, you mean to be on the show you go how much a ten thousand dollars I said that's my number I got up got in an airplane burning in fever and flew on and then he did a uh play and stuff and um then he did a show called the uh

And then he did a show called The Education of Max Bickford with Marsha Gay Harden. And if you go on my jthomas.com, it's Richard Dreyfuss and Marsha Gay Harden and me, you know, the two Academy Award winners. Yeah, I mean, he was great to me. Really wonderful. That was a great show. Yeah. It was good. And, you know.

They didn't promote it. They shouldn't have canceled it. It was good. But, you you know that's what they did so it's funny because strifus has that image that of being like like the actor yeah and he's a great guy and he he was um uh loved working with me on mr holland's opus and um uh there was a play ring and i i I had owned a screenplay for a while, and he came and did the reading for me and all. He was wonderful. I mean, it was great. And then the PBS thing was a big deal for me.

So, like, not at all full of himself. No, no. Just a great guy. He once flipped a car on Sunset, and when they got there, the Coke was falling out of his pocket. Like, you know. And I think after that, he got straight. He straightened out.

There's lesser-known films that I love him in. Once Around. Yeah, Once Around is wonderful. One of my favorite films. Lasse Hallström film. And also The Big Fix, which you can't find, which is a film noir, a modern-day film noir, which plays a private eye. I've seen it, but I think Once Around is one of the...

He's great in it. Holly Hunter. I've seen that, but I think Once Around is one of the... He's great in it. Holly Hunter. He said to me, Once Around hurt my career because he plays such an obnoxious guy that he said people thought I was like that. And I said, maybe that's my problem,

because I really am obnoxious. You know, what's funny, I think people think I'm going to act weird on a set, which I've never done. I do my work, and I'm doing a play now which my son wrote the music for called Somewhere With You on 40 Seconds. You just go to Somewhere With You.

And I do Ray Donovan also on Showtime. Now, is there any chance or is that strictly for Letterman of the Lone Ranger story? No, I don't. I'll tell you the after story. Okay. Everybody knows it. You can go online and see the original. It's a treat.

For people that don't know it, Jay does it every year on the Letterman Show. They know. Somebody knows it. But the Lone Ranger, I opened car dealerships. I was a disc jockey, and you can see the whole thing. And so after it's over, there was a car wreck, and the Lone Ranger helps me and my stoned friend out of this situation. So we get back in the car and we're driving the Lone Ranger back to this hotel, motel

in Charlotte, North Carolina, right? And so we're so thankful he helped us out of this wreck situation. And we get him back to the Red Roof Inn or whatever. And is there anything we can do for you, Mr. Moore? And he goes, as a matter of fact, could there be any perhaps entertainment or? And we go, we realize he wants a chick. And he's wearing the mask and the hat. He's wearing the mask and the hat. The full Lone Ranger.

Get up. I just recently, his daughter contacted me to tell me how I kept her father's memory alive. I said, well, I'm going to tell you a story that's going to ruin your father's memory for you. And I told her this story. I said, so Mike and I knew this girl. Her name was Melanie, and her last name is a color. You can pick whatever color you want. It's a color. And she liked to screw celebrities that came to town.

And we would call her up, and we would go, Melanie, you know, Cheech and Chong are in town. She'd go, fuck Cheech and Chong. You know, Melanie. or intense. She'd go, fuck teacher. Melanie. Tony Orlando is in town. Suck Tony Orlando. Tie a yellow ribbon around my dick.

And you knew Melanie was there. So we call Melanie up. And the Lone Ranger, the show had been off the air for quite a while. Sure. And she was much younger than we were. And so I go, Melanie, we're in front of the Red Roof Inn right now. And the Lone Ranger is in town. And it's dead silent.

And she goes, really? I go, yes. And we've told him all about you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So I said, look, we're going to come get you. And she was a lovely girl. Her father was like a big realtor or whatever.

And she would bring girls to me who had never had an orgasm. And I would make sure they still never had one. But would work with them, would work with them. And so, you know what works? You get Tupperware, and you know when you click it? You put their clit in there, and you click it. And it works. Somebody got a pen?

Yeah, right at them. So we go get Melanie. We bring her back to the Red Roof Inn, and I say, look, we're going to go out to the radio station. And I'm going to get the William Tell Overture. I'm going to bring it back to my apartment. And after you're done, we're going to come get you. You will not speak.

And you will come into the apartment. We're going to play. And you will tell us everything that happened when you entered that room. We wait, you know, about an hour, hour and a half. Get back to my apartment. I make sure, you know, there's turntables and all that. My friend and I, we take showers. We get ready.

The phone rings. We go get her. Don't speak. Don't speak. We get her back. Put it up. Put it up. Bop, b Get her back. And she goes, I went to the door and he opened it up and he had on a blue robe that looked just like the

Lone Ranger outfit. And he wore these glasses that looked just like the mask. I said, what? He dressed just like the Lone Ranger except in casual wear. So she comes into the room and he has food and everything and she said, he had

equipment. I said, equipment? Equipment. He had, and you know, we didn't know from vibrate. We used our penises. You know, you want to vibrate where we shake our dick a little bit. You know what I mean? You know, put a fucking, you know, electric toothbrush up your ass.

That was about the amount of whatever. So she goes, he was wonderful. And when he takes his robe off, finally, he has pajamas that are the same color as the Lone Ranger outfit. And he made love to her, and he vibrated her, and did all of these things. And meanwhile, in the background, ba-da-dump, ba-da-dump, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Oh, I hope. Silver!

Yeah, that's a true story. Fascinating. How old is Clayton Moore at this point when this is happening? He's probably... The show was on in the 50s. Yeah, I guess he was in his late 60s or whatever, which then was old. Now, of course, 60 is the new not dead yet. Wow.

To get you to laugh like this, I can't tell you what a thrill it is to get you to laugh. Okay? Wow. What an honor to hear the after story. Yeah, the after story. Yeah, the after story. That's never been told. Yeah. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast after this.

Now, we were talking. No commercials, right? Yeah. No. Gilbert and I were talking. Who would the fuck sponsor this? We got one. A rug company. Hi, Melvin's Rugs. I'm Melvin. We got one. A rug company.

Hi, Melvin's Rugs. I'm Melvin. We got one offer. You want to ask Jay about Darvaconger? Oh, my God, yes. How'd it matter? Well, there's a new show on called Married at First Sight. That's right.

We just talked about it on The View, actually. Yeah, exactly. And it's really, and you know, before it's over, they're running out of ideas. Let's watch Retards Fuck. It's coming. It's coming. Anytime now.

But so they hire me. They call up, and Buckwall's my agent, and they go, Billy Crystal's turned him down, and this person's turned him down, and they're trying to get someone to host this show where a multimillionaire guy is married to someone he's never met. I go, oh, my God, I don't want to do that. I'm working in New York.

I'm doing great, and I don't want to do that. So a week passes. They can't find anyone to do it, and the number goes up to like 100 grand for like two or three days. And I go, Jesus. And my agent says, let's take the money. No one will ever see this thing. So I go to Vegas.

I bring my whole family. We rehearse. And there's all these women. And they're vying for this so-called multimillionaire. The guy owes two million. Rick Rockwell. Yeah, he doesn't. And he's friends with Heidi Fleiss's brother, who's the producer.

Can you get any sleazier than that? So they do this show, and it's happening. And it's live. And this judge, after watching it for like two or three hours, who's going to perform the wedding, says, I want to leave. I don't want to do that. I go, you can't leave.

You cannot leave. So now all they're going to get down to eight or 10 girls and Darva Conger was just a bitch, right? Being a bitch. No one has seen the multimillionaire and he's hidden behind in a bubble, like in a shroud. So at one of the breaks, I run behind the shroud and I go, whatever you do, don't marry the blonde. And he looks up, he's shocked, you know, no one, you know, there's security around him. He goes, oh, that's the one I liked. I go, don't, don't. And I go back and the producers get mad at me. And he goes, why not? I go, she is a bitch. So I go back. Well, he chooses Darvacon.

And he tongue kisses her. And she is in shock. Now, she was there playing the game with everybody. And he says to her, you know, Jay told me you were a bitch and not to marry her. Oh, you know, don't help me. Don't help me. So they get married.

She cries all the way to Hawaii. He brings a buddy of his and another woman. They're all drinking and acting crazy and Darva Conger is sorry. And she is married to this guy. And they go to Hawaii and it blew up in their faces. And then they said that he had threatened

a girlfriend or something. Who knows if it was even true. And the president of Fox said, we will never ever do a show like this again. Well, he was, he's no longer with us. Um, and, and they canceled the show and then, you know, uh, it had a life afterward. Right. And I went on every show there was to go on and, and Darva Conger and I would appear as a person she hated. And she started saying, well, I wasn't, didn't want to really do it. And I would go, why, why why are you lying you did want to do it so what i live in santa barbara she ends up as a nurse

an emergency room nurse in santa barbara had i ever been really injured and bleeding can you imagine they're taking me into the fucking thing and there's darva conger you know turning the oxygen off or whatever and you know i think she is still a nurse someplace i think her sister's like a big realtor in in santa barbara but um that was really the first reality show that really was and and i remember that was canceled so there you go that was canceled she kept saying she wanted her old life back, and then she posed for a play. Oh, yes. Of course.

Yeah, it was weird. And there was a girl from Washington who was a little bit overweight with braces. And I said to him, I said, marry her. She will be so happy. You know, a girl with braces with a couple of pounds on her. She'll be faithful. That show would have run forever. Now, a buddy of mine comes over

at like 7.30, quarter to 8. We're going to dinner. It's the night the show's going to run. We taped it like a week before. I really am not going to watch it. Some friends of mine had gone and they stayed for the four-hour taping. I said,

okay. I couldn't believe it. They edited it and all that. My friend said, which. You know, I couldn't believe it. So they edited it and all that. And my friend says, what show is it? I said, it's this crazy show where a multimillionaire just marries this woman. And he goes, well, let's watch it. So we, like, smoke a joint, you know, and we get some cocktails. And I turn on the TV. And after about 45 minutes, we cannot leave the apartment.

It's that riveting. He's turning and going, oh my. Meanwhile, the show opens up with 3 million people. Second half hour, 6 million. Third or fourth half hour. It ends with over 20 million viewers. People are calling, you've got to watch this show. And I go, oh my got to watch this show.

And I go, oh, my God, this is it. This, I did it. You know, and they, within three days, it was canceled. You know, O'Reilly wanted me on because this was the end of civilization as we know it. Another end of civilization. Yes, another end, you know, by him. But, yeah, that went nowhere. But it was fun. It was fun.

And, man, I got paid $100,000 for like two days. I mean, that was like being in some big stand-up. No one would do the show. No one. No one. It was wild. I had a tuxedo. The New York Times had me on the front page emceeing it, and they reviewed it and said it was all awful, and they said, but Jay Thomas somehow

watched it with us almost away from it in a in bemused horror now i've been acting a long time and i don't even know how to play bemused horror i don't even know it was a compliment it was it was and so that really kind of put me kind of in a you know know, yeah, I was bemused. I was horribly bemused by it all. Yeah, I would have done it forever, for years, you know, and been very rich. It's still infamous. It is.

And you worked with Woody Allen. Yeah, Woody wrote a play called Writer's Block. It was kind of like the one, Purple Rose of Cairo, where there's characters and they're really characters in a play and then real people come in. And so the agent calls. She says, look, you know, she calls. She said, look, don't fool around with him. Don't do anything. Don't make jokes.

And his casting director forever is a Jane something or other. She's been with him forever. Is it Julia Taylor? Somebody or other. I forget. So I go in the room, and they give you two pages. And so, you know, I don't really know much about it. So Woody is there, and he's got his head down, and his hands are over his face,

and he's got that hat on. And Chevy Chase is waiting in the lobby. Chevy's there. And every comic, every actor, everybody's reading for this part. Chevy is shaking. He's so nervous. It's really weird. I read for a lot of stuff.

I go in and I begin to read and apparently it's the wrong script. It's an old version or whatever. I hear Woody say, it's really a wrong script. And I go, you can talk up. I can hear you. So he looks up and keeps his hands like over his head.

And so the woman says, Jay, they've given you an old script. And we really want to give you something else to read. Would you like to leave the room and look at it and come back? I go, that's the oldest trick in the book. I'm not leaving the room. Okay. And they're going, oh, this guy's fucking around. And I go, and I go, talked and i get the thing and i read and um i leave and chevy goes in after me and i'm not two blocks away and they gave me the part i mean i couldn't believe it so start doing the play and it's me and bb new earth paul riser was in it and a cast of other actors. Sadly, names I don't remember. And so Woody's the director, and everybody's all excited about it. And then the actors turned on him after about two weeks.

It's really weird. Theater actors are strange. Interesting. They really kind of turned on him. It was an okay play. Everybody came to it. Grant Shoud was in it. He had quit Murphy Brown to do free plays

in Ireland or something. He would have diuretic shit and vomit before every performance. And we're in a little room and the bathroom is like right there like in a comedy club. And we're all getting our makeup and we're here

before the show. And he would eat sushi he would eat sushi so woody woody would come in you know the director of a play is there all the time what he would come in there's nobody to buffer him he's there right he'd never directed a play in a movie he can buffer himself with the ad or whatever and he would come in and he would go uh you know i want to give you know your notes and all that and and so grant would hand him and he would go, you know, I want to give you notes and all that. And so Grant would hand him and say, would you like some sushi? And Woody would take a clipboard, put it over his mouth and go, he would say, Woody, do you want some? He'd go, want some?

I'm sorry, I'm in the same room with it. He would say shit like that. And I would fucking die laughing. Woody Allen. And then Soon-Yi with the two kids. They were both, you know, Chinese adoptees. So I've got the scandal right in front of me, right? And I am just in my glory.

And I've always said this. People go, oh, you know, he married his stepdaughter. I just watched their relationship for a while. Whatever hell there is, she's it on earth. And, you know, she runs the whole thing. I mean, she is not like some shrinking violet that was, I don't know what, seduced by, you know, Woody Allen. But we had a great time. He was really fun and a great guy. And everybody came to the thing. Not one of us got a job out of it. Not one of us.

That's all we did. And he never put any of us in a movie. Why were people turning on him? It's weird. Everybody learned their lines or whatever. They thought that Woody wanted us to learn our lines too quickly, and you're supposed to learn your lines while you're doing the blocking or whatever. And maybe he was saying – then he fired a woman who wasn't funny, and he brings in another really beautiful, better actress, and that was Gurwitz,

whatever her name is. She wrote the book about being fired. Annabelle Gurwitz. She wrote the book about being fired,abelle gerwin she wrote the book about being fired right and and that was from the woody allen thing you know um and then uh bb new earth acted really weird was playing my wife and if she wasn't getting a laugh she wouldn't do the line you know and stuff like that it was you know it's theater people and then they were bickering backstage and then they all hated her and i she was playing my wife, so I was trying to be nice. Then one day I said something to her.

She yells at me and all the other cast members, you see? I'm going, oh, you know. Yeah, it's weird. I mean, even in the little play I'm doing, I can see if we're there for another few months, which we're only going to be there for a week or so. Yeah, theater actors. Imagine comics every night for a year. Every night, the same four or five people doing the same thing every night.

They need to make drama. They need to cause trouble. Thrive off it in some way. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, after a while, you're driving a bus. You learn the lines. You learn the blocking. You know where the laughs are, where the crying is, whatever it is.

And now you need to, you know to pick up the stakes a little bit. My mother, my son, my boyfriend, whatever. Yeah, backstage is wild. Still a pretty cool journey for a kid from a small town in Texas to wind up being in a Woody Allen. I didn't stay in that town for a year. But you were born there.

Yeah, I was born there. But even New Orleans. New Orleans is a big town. So Woody Sun Yi was insane. Oh, man. Runs the show. Yeah. He runs the whole deal. Well, you know, I mean, he was an old man at the time.

He was like, well, I'd say he was 68. He's in his 70s now. Maybe he was 70. I don't know. It was like 10 years ago. So he was almost 80. But Jesus Christ, he marries his stepdaughter, which is so weird, and then defends it. I don't think he did anything.

His funniest line was he couldn't have done anything with the daughter because they did it in an attic. And, you know, he's claustrophobic. And he says, I've never been in an attic in my life. Do you know that? Do you know that? He's never been in an attic in his life. And it's true. He would, if somebody sneezed or whatever.

So one day, you know, we were talking or something like that. And I said, well, you know, Woody, I'm from New Orleans. So you got to keep your eye on me because, you know, sometimes I like to go. Because he plays clarinet in New Orleans all the time. And he said, you know, I like to go. And I see you in New Orleans and all that. And he said, you know, I'd like to see you in New Orleans and all that. And I go, yeah, yeah, sure. So I said, you know, but, you know, you better keep your eye on him because I could, you know, I could get drunk and just not show up.

You know how people in New Orleans are, right? So one day I'm late. I can't catch a cab or whatever. And I'm like late. And cell phone's not working or whatever. So they're waiting for me and waiting for me. And someone says, you know, we don't know where Jay is. And Woody says, he's probably laying drunk in a gutter.

You know? And he writes every morning from 7 o'clock to like 2 in the afternoon and this old 1940s typewriter. Every single day. Now, what are your feelings about the whole rumors spread about him? I don't think he did anything with the daughter. And I mean that about him. But, you know, if you look at the movies, if you look at Manhattan, you know, there was a –

I think, you know, there are rumors that Scarlett Johansson fucked him, if you look at Manhattan, you know, there was a I think, you know, there are rumors that Scarlett Johansson fucked him, if you can imagine. I mean, this guy apparently says something or does something and women find him attractive, you know, and he's funny and all that. He's also a really good athlete. Did you know that? Yeah.

Diane Keaton came on The View and talked about how virile he was. There you go. And a terrific, like terrific baseball player and stuff. So, you know, it's like you. I mean, there's your wife sitting over there who is much lovelier than any human being who looks like you should be with. So, you know, I was wondering if the first night you fucked, did Aflac give her some sort of, you know, coverage, you know, in case she died of fright, you know? You look like a porn star from Auschwitz, you know, with your clothes off. But really, so there is something to be said to the power of comedy.

to be said to the power of comedy. But, yeah, it was something to be around him. And, you know, I've been around, you know, a lot of famous people for a short amount of time. We talked about Dreyfus and stuff. You know, not as many as a lot of, you know, character actors and all, but I'm a storyteller, so I remember everything.

He was very complimentary. He wrote me two really wonderful notes after the fact. And all I can really say is that you can't imagine it, but who knows what demons drive people. I have no idea. But it seems hard to imagine. But still he fucked his stepdaughter.

Nowhere around it. At 17 years old. I mean, you know, or whatever it was. And she put a naked picture of herself up, and that's how Mia Farrow. Now, Mia Farrow is supposed to be, you know, crazy also. And they never lived together. They lived across the park from each other. You know? So, yeah.

And, you know, you want him to put you in one of their movies and all that. He never, never. I mean, I think B.B.'s been in one already, but I don't know that he used anybody from the play. So, yeah, it was disappointing. I wish he'd put me in one of the movies. It would have been fun, you know. He'd go to cut a line sometimes, not one of mine.

He'd just go to cut a line. And, you know, I can't help myself. I would go, oh, don't cut that. It's fucking hysterical. Well, I guess I can't when you say it like that. And he would put it back in. I mean, he really is a little kind of a nebbish of guys. Wouldn't he ask the actors if you have a better line?

Just pitch the line? Not really, but, you know, not many actors are any good. When they say, oh, they're doing a movie, and the actors are going to improv or whatever, oh, please. Actors are not good ad livers. Some comics are bad ad livers. They have to have their written material. They saw something. They work it. So the worst thing you can do is have an actor ad lib a line. I kind of do it for a living, so I'm allowed it. I will throw lines

in a play, but if you don't use it, it's okay. I've just given myself a great compliment, which is true. So I'm just kind of good at throwing stuff when I'm doing a part, even if it's a drama. So I would add a few things, but nobody else said anything. Most actors don't say much about the lines. And it seems like working with Woody Allen is kind of like working with Neil Simon.

Like, why would you, you know, it would be like sacrilege. Yeah, and that's how they felt. And I would say things and they would go, you know, the other actors would be shocked by that. But what the fuck? It's a collaboration, you know. Maybe in a movie. You find in some of Woody's movies, everyone

acts like him. They have this same... Especially when there's the fill-in characters like John Cusack and Bullets Over Broadway. Yeah, they begin to act like him. Bullets Over Broadway, he has Chaz Palminteri.

The story about Chaz and Bronx Tale is that Chaz can barely write his name. Really, another guy who ended up being one of the writers on The Sopranos really wrote and put it together is his story. And so when he hired Chaz, if you go back and look at this, there are plenty of guys that dislike Chaz because he made a three-picture deal and left out, I forget the guy's name, Joe Rizzulli or whatever. And then Chaz really couldn't write. He couldn't write anything. And then he hires Chaz Palminteri to play a guy who ends up writing a script for someone who really can't write. And, you know, it makes everybody wonder, did Woody ever hear that? See, I think Blue Jasmine is a streetcar named Desire. It's not Madoff.

It's a streetcar. And when you watch it and you see it, she's playing Blanche Dubois. There are a lot of echoes of it. And it's weird. It's like it's just so obvious to me, but, you know, who am I? So I think that Woody is a sponge, and I think Woody watches TV. I think he reads scandal things and all that. I think he read everything that was said about him

in his privacy. Yeah, I do. Because it comes out, you know? And so I think he also showed himself with the young chicks in the movies. Which, you know, so what? That's cool. Chaplin did it.

Yep, sure did. He had to move to England, but he did it. Did to fuck a young girl with bad teeth. Now, you also worked with Eli Wallach. Yes, we were on the steps. We were doing a show. John Turturro played Howard Cosell, and I played the president of the NFL.

I played Pete Roselle. And Turturro is called Monday Night Mayhem. And Eli Wallach is playing one of the bigs in the NFL, one of the owners that I have to deal with. And we're shooting, and it's snowing at the Plaza

Hotel, and it's getting late. And, you know, he's, I guess Eli died in his 90s, right? I worked with Eli two or three times. I did Max Pickford with him also. So I'm standing on the steps. I'm excited I'm doing this movie. You know, Totoro's a big deal.

I'm there working. So I turn to Eli and I say, so Eli, Academy Award winner, you know, everything. I go, so it's wonderful to,'s wonderful to be with you in this movie. I go, I don't work much. I just kind of do shit like this. I do pieces of shit like urine. But, you know, he meant it, but it was a throwaway. I'm on the steps going, yeah, I hope you get fucking pneumonia and die.

90-year-old fucking relic, you know. Hung on to 98. Yeah, 98 years old. All right, my kids, I think, are waiting downstairs. You want to tell us what the play is again, Jay? Yeah, my son is a songwriter who wrote five number one records in the last few years. Chesney, Jake Owen, he writes for Keith Urban, and he wrote a song for a guy named Uncle Cracker with other guys too called Smile,

which was kind of the happy of its time. And a buddy of his from high school, a guy named Peter Zinn, became a producer and a writer. And he took all of his music plus a bunch of new ones and they wrote a southern Iraq army meth addict musical and it's it's playing at these it's festival on 42nd street it's called somewhere with you it's a it's a musical festival and it's oh it's the lead of the festival, and they hired me to play three small parts. I play the dad of the lead. I play a guy that owns a club, and I play an Iraqi insurgent at the end of the play.

And it starts as a comedy and becomes a drama, and I believe it's either going to go to an off-Broadway house or go to Broadway. I mean, think about it. It's a country musical with hit songs in it. You know, you do a play. You don't know what it's going to be. It's really good. If you guys are in New York, but it's called Somewhere With You,

and I think it'll go on somewhere. Somewhere With You. What theater? Right now, it's at the Alice Griffin Jewel Box. It's a little 200-seat theater, but it's fun. So that's it. And then I'm due Ray Donovan. I have another couple of episodes. Yeah, I play Marty

Goldman or whatever, but I'm really playing the guy from TMZ. Oh, Harvey Levin. Yeah, I'm playing Harvey. I'm gay, and I have gay boyfriends, and Donovan runs over him every week, runs another one of my boyfriends over

and threatens me. I'm always getting crap on his clients. So that's cool. It's cool. Good. I play a good gay asshole. One more little bit. And if they said for 10 grand,

suck a dick, I would do it. 10 grand's still the number? It's the number. Well, it used to not be. Now it's back to that number again suck a dick, I would do it. 10 grand still the number? It's the number. Well, it used to not be. Now it's back to that number again. All right. I got to go.

This was great. Okay. Thanks, Jack. To make Gilbert Godfrey laugh is like unbelievable to me. is like unbelievable to me. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast with my sidekick, Frank Santopadre, and a man who's a success in radio, movies, TV. Stand up, stand up.

Game shows, reality shows. You'll have to still tell people, who is he again? Jay Thomas, who's taken a few shows off the air, too.