Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 187. Mario Cantone

Episode Date: December 25, 2017

Fan favorite and GGACP holiday fixture Mario Cantone drops by the studio to chime in on everything from the infamous Bette Davis-Joan Crawford feud to the not-so-special effects of "Mighty Joe Young" to the strange predilections of Frosty the Snowman. Also, Dracula plays heavy metal, Carol Kane plays Gilbert's wife, Mario learns the Perfecto Telles story (!) and the co-hosts rank the best (and worst) adaptations of "A Christmas Carol." PLUS: Dueling Dylans! "The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas"! The genius of Alan Menken! In praise of Leonard Maltin! And the (triumphant) return of Carol Channing and Herve' Villechaize! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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This is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell. To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com. Tennessee sounds perfect. Thank you. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And once again, we're recutting. We're recutting. We're recutting.

Later we're recutting. Yeah, we're recutting at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Verderosa. And now, by popular demand, and we mean popular demand, our guest this week is back for a record-tying fourth appearance on the show. You know him from dozens of TV appearances in shows like The Late Show with David Letterman, Match Game, The Comedy Central Roast of Dennis Leary, The Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers, The Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers, Chappelle's Show, Men in Trees, Sex and the City, and, of course, the legendary and much-beloved children's show, Steam Pipe Alley.

Which sounds like a porn film. We love it. As well as from hit Broadway and off-Broadway shows, including Love, Valor, and Compassion. It was a gay play, which is why you can't pronounce it. Fag. It's just Love, Valor, Compassion. There's no and. Assassins. Yes. Stephen Sondheim. He wrote no and. Yes. Assassins. Yes.

Stephen Sondheim. He wrote that. You were good in that. I was quite good playing Sam Bick. You were. Go ahead, Nets. Keep going. That tempest.

Yes. I did that in a pit of sand. I was Stefano, and the set was a pit of sand. I had sand in my ass crack, my ears, my nose, my mouth. It was horrific. That was the set, because it takes place on an island. Really? You have to be so fucking literal and put me in a sand pit?

It was literally a sand pit. And then, you know, it's supposed to be one of Shakespeare's comedies. Here we go. And I'm trying to be funny. One day I just screamed at the audience and said, These are 400-year-old jokes. You make them funny. It was a fringe jacket joke that was supposed to represent venereal disease.

What does venereal disease have to do with the fringe jacket? It was literally in the footnotes. It's a venereal disease joke. Who wrote it? Jimi Hendrix? Let him finish your intro. Sorry, keep going. Please welcome back.

Finally. What's my name again? Wait, you forgot his one-man show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I forgot that. And his own one-man show. Tony nominated. That's right.

Tony nominated. Tony nominated. And his own one-man show, Laugh Whore. Mm-hmm. Please welcome back our annual. Okay, I'm sleeping, Gilbert. Get to the fucking point Our annual Christmas guest

One of the most talented human beings on the planet And a man who once tried To get into the men's room To watch Tom Cruise pee Yes, it's true Sexual harassment Panned up to watch Tom Cruise pee. Yes, it's true. Sexual harassment panned up. All right, so yeah. So who is it?

Who's our guest? What's my name? Mario Cantone. Oh, gosh, I just released. That was good. Oh, what a release. Oh, my God. Tell us again about how you tried to get into the men's room.

Well, you know, I was at The View, and Tom Cruise was the guest on the post tape. I had done the live tape show. And so, you know. And there was only one bathroom. There was only one bathroom on the floor. And I said to Joy, I was like, I'm staying here if Tom Cruise is coming. I was like,

do you think he's going to show up? He's going to show up that piece of shit. He's going to fucking not show up. He's going to stand me up. I'll fucking shit on his face. I don't give a shit.

You know, he's always cranky. And so I'm waiting and he comes in and he is literally so short he looks like one of the lollipop guild.

I was like, what? We of the lollipop guild. I was like, what? We represent the lollipop guild! The lollipop guild! The lollipop guild! He's with these huge, huge, like, secret service guys. Scientological secret service guys, I'm sure. The SSSS. And, um, and he comes in,

and he was so little. He looked like one of the munchkins that came out of the egg. He was like four inches tall. And I was like, hi, Tom. He's like, hey, how you doing? And he like walked into the bathroom, and there's only one bathroom on that floor. None of the dressing rooms have bathrooms.

The old studio. Yeah, the old studio. No, the new studio, too. That's true. So I'm, you know, waiting to go into the bathroom, and I'm walking towards it, and I was going to go in in and the security guy was like, you can't go in. I'm like, why? He's like, because he's in there.

I'm like, he? Jesus? Who's in there? And he's like, oh, he's in there. I said, well, it's a public bathroom. There's only one. And he was like, I'm sorry. You can't go in.

You got to wait. I'm like, I got to pee. I got to pee really bad. Please let me go. Please. Sorry, you can't go in. I'm like, all right, I have explosive diarrhea. I'm going to go over the walls.

Please. I'm going to get in. And he's like, no, I'm sorry again. I'm like, all right, I have explosive diarrhea. I'm going to go over the walls. Please. I'm going to get in. And he's like, no, I'm sorry again. I'm like, all right, I want to see his cock. I want to see his cock. I need to know if it hooks to the left. So. And it didn't.

No, I didn't go in. I waited for Tom. Tommy. You are the light in my eye. Tommy, a Scientological bird in the sky. Tommy. I just wrote that. That's us.

Wow. Well, you know. I'm high on exhaustion. It's been a long day, huh? Oh, my God. You have no idea. Catching up. Oh, God.

Television is so exhausting. There's a lot of waiting around. It's just a lot. You know, just waiting around in your trailer before you know it. It's 2 o'clock in the morning and there are no hookers available to come to your trailer. It's terrible. You were doing the President's show. I was.

You were doing Comedy Central's show with our friend Anthony. Yep. I'm doing the, by the time this airs, it'll have aired. It was the Christmas show, which was a lot of fun. Right. Yeah. Doing your Scaramucci. Doing my Scaramucci. He's dead now. He's dead now. Yeah. He is dead now.

Didn't he just have a big bruise? Something. Was that a little Barbara Stanwyck? No, it was really actually Betty Davis but that's okay fuck you I'm rusty you are no Barbara Stanwyck

is more like this he's dead now that's Barbara Stanwyck Ralph de Vricasson kiss me on the mouth like a lover remember the Thorn Birds of course

with Richard Chamberlain I love you God how much I love you Father Ralph de Vricasson now kiss me on the mouth like a lover Of course, with Richard Chamberlain. I love you, God, how much I love you, Father. Now kiss me on the mouth. Welcome back.

Well, thanks. For the Christmas episode by popular demand, as Gilbert said. And I did a Christmas movie this year. Tell us. You did? It's a lifetime Christmas movie. It aired at the end of November, and it may be airing through the month of December. By this point, this is Christmas night, it's not airing anymore. This is airing on Christmas Day, yes.

It was a very merry toy store starring Melissa Joan Hart, Mario Lopez, Billy Gardell, Beth Roderick, Tara Strong, and many, many more. I had the pleasure of playing, I forget his name, it was Ben. Ben, the mayor of New Brunswick, Connecticut. Yeah, yeah. It was a delight to do. It was a movie. I'll do anything scripted. Your first Christmas movie? Yeah, yeah. It was done independently and then. It was a movie. I'll do anything scripted. Your first Christmas movie?

Yeah. It was done independently, and then they sold it to Lifetime. And it was fun. I watched it the other night. And I got to tell you, there's a sled racing scene in it. Okay. Two kids sled racing. The special effects in 1949's Mighty Joe Young were better than the special effects in that

slight scene. I was like, what is this brutal CGI? They didn't even give the kids a wind machine for the hair to blow. There's just this close-up on them as they're racing down the hill, and there's no suspense. There's no fan. Give

the kids a fan so it's blowing their hair and this one beautiful young kid has got this curly curly curly curly hair and it's just still still he's flying down a hill wow

not a big special effects budget no for a lifetime there wasn't Gil have you been in any holiday movies? I was in something what were those two cartoons something in Mindy

huh? you were in Buddy the Elf oh yeah Buddy the Elf Buddy the Elf I was in that's very good Frank that was the musical special? yeah that was really great yeah Buddy the Elf I think

Ed Asner oh Ed Asner was Santa there. Oh, Ed Asner was Santa. That's right. We talked about that a little bit. Oh, and the guy from, whatchamacallit, Big Bang Theory. Jim Parsons. Jim Parsons. Yes.

Yeah, so Buddy the Elf. He played Buddy, right? He was the voice of Buddy. Yeah, I played, I, showing my connection with midgets through my career. That's a recurring theme already. One time, Billy Barty stole the part for me. But I played the part that I think Peter Dinklage played in the movie. Oh, you were the angry elf?

Yeah. Yes. Oh, wow. That's a great part. That is. Are you kidding me? I'm jealous. That's fantastic.

That was a lot of fun. Yeah. Buddy, wow. That's a great part. It is. Are you kidding me? I'm jealous. That's fantastic. That was a lot of fun. Yeah, Buddy the Elf. And then there was something like Somebody and Mindy. It used to be a cartoon with a little boy and girl and this skeleton like death. Okay, it wasn't Mork and Mindy. No. No. And that was they did a special called, you know, Evil Santa.

And I was this evil, like, blood-drinking Santa. Oh, that sounds good, too. Did Dean Coons write that? Did Dean Coons? Yeah. And I think from- I'm going to wrap my mind around going from Peter Dinklage to Gilbert. And I think my wife was played by, what's her name, who we've been trying to get on this show?

Oh, Carol Kane. Carol Kane. I love Carol Kane. Hey, find out, someone find out where I was evil Santa and don't fucking ask Paul. Anybody but Paul. Does anybody know where he was evil Santa? Frank, Frank, look up where I was evil Santa. Frank, Frank, look up where I was evil Santa.

Something in Mindy and Carol Kane was in it. And don't fucking ask Paul because he'll come back a decade later. This is my thing. You can be difficult, which is good. And I was talking to your wife about it. She told me that you were supposed to maybe do a gig somewhere. And, you know, they asked her, do you mind if you guys fly coach? No!

You don't fly coach! You're Gilbert Gottfried! You don't fly coach! And you're elderly at this point. You cannot fly coach! You need to make sure you fly even business first, something. You don't fly coach. Yeah.

Excuse my entitlement issues. I don't fly coach unless I'm paying for it. Well, yeah. Well, see, that's the difference between you and me. Did you see the documentary? No, I haven't seen it yet. Okay, you'll have a new bone to pick. I'll watch it. No, I'll call you up and be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I know it. I wish I had seen it before I got here. I meant to because I wanted to talk about it with you, but then I thought, enough about him. So, yeah. Yeah, you have to make sure you are treated well. And don't, wherever you're going, you don't stay

in a fucking double tree. You make sure you're staying in a decent place. Not that there's anything wrong with a double tree. Not that there's anything. You know, it's got to be a fine product. Oh, no, for me it's only four seasons. Did anyone find out? They're working on it.

What show I was Evil Santa on. Oh, yes. Dara's working on it. It was called The Cock-Sucking Elf. It was great. And a score by Neil Sedaka. Oh, my God. Hey.

Paul got it. Paul's got it. It was Aladdin. Aladdin. Not Aladdin. Fuck you. No, everyone knows you were Iago in Aladdin. Fuck you.

Aladdin. You think that's the only thing he's known for? Not a bad thing to be known for, though, Aladdin. Now, this is driving me crazy. All right, hang on. They're going to find it. I got something, Gilbert. He's got it.

He's got it. How about Billy and Mandy save Christmas? That's it. Billy and Mandy save Christmas. God damn it. I got a question right. I want that noted in the log. Okay, great.

Show that in the log. Billy and Mandy save Christmas. Can I just say something? And Buddy the Elf. Okay, well, Billy and Mandy save Christmas. Finding that out wasn't worth the wait. It really wasn't. What time is it?

Hey, this is important. I know. Nice job, Paul. Can you do the part in Baby Jane where Joan Crawford gets angry and talks up to Betty Davis. Well, did she ever get really angry? Well, she says, you couldn't do this. Oh, Jane, you wouldn't do these horrible things to me if I weren't in this wheelchair. But you are, Blanche.

You are in that chair. And what are these horrible things I'm doing to you? He's happy now. Jane, I have to sell the house. You ain't going to sell this house, Blanche, because daddy didn't want you to. And you ain't ever going to leave it either. No. That was before the stroke.

Free stroke, Betty. Whose side do you take in the Joan and Betty? I'll tell you. Well, I mean, I watched The Feud. How'd you like it? I loved it. It was good. I thought it was quite good. Susan Sarandon was... I watched it and I'm not even a fan. Well, no, you're not even a fan. I know.

Says you. No, says you. Everyone knows you're on the DL. You're a DLJ. Download you. DLJ, I like that. That's kind of cool. It is. But I thought that Susan Sarandon was good.

The picture of her voice wasn't right for me, and I thought she kind of went in and out of it. She seemed afraid of it, but she was ultimately good. Miss Jessica Lange was magnificent, and it kind of wiped away the whole Faye Dunaway thing, which is a tall order. Whether you like that performance or not, Miss Dunaway was quite great.

But I thought Lange was great. I felt bad for both of them. They were both so similar as far as being lonely women and angry women, but they presented it differently. You know, Bette Davis wore it on her sleeve and was just out there with her pissed offness. And Joan tried to keep it all pulled up. I did feel bad for Joan Crawford with the Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte thing because she got fired from that mostly because Betty Davis didn't really want her there. So Betty Davis was mean.

I met her once. She was signing records at Tower Records in L.A. and I bought her album. Betty Davis Sings. Is that a thing? Betty Davis Sings? You're either too young or too old. You're either too big or too teeny weeny. Yeah, it's a really weird.

She sings Mother of the Bride. She sings Baby Jane. Whatever happened to Baby Jane? Oh, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp. Like a backer act. Oh, yeah. It's disturbing. Susan Sarandon did it because she did it on a talk show one time.

So she recreated it on Feud. Now, oh, Bruce Stern was on the show. Yes. And he, so of course he was in Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte. That's right. And he said that Joan Crawford came in. They were at a reading. They were at a reading, and he saw, what's her name, the woman who played the other part.

Olivia de Havilland. Olivia de Havilland. Still with us. Yes. She's 100. Joan Crawford came in. He wouldn't do these awful things to me if I were in this chair. Joan Rivers says, Blanche Hudson. I'm selling the house, Blanche.

I'm going to sell the house. You wouldn't do these terrible things to me. I know you're going to give me a rat. There's a rat under here. Melissa. Melissa, get this rat out of my dinner plate. Yes, so Bruce Dern sitting there at the read-through with Betty Davis and Joan Crawford comes in because she was signed to do the part. And Joan Crawford sees Olivia de Havilland.

She says, oh, Livvy, what are you doing here? And Betty Davis goes, she's doing your part. You're out of the picture. That happened right there at the delivery? Yes, in front of the cast and crew. They didn't do that on Feud because she came in later. That's what he told us. That sounds unbelievable.

That's awful. That's vicious. That's vicious. To me, that's awful because, you know, look, Joan Crawford had her stuff, but, I mean, she was a pro. And I remember seeing an A&E biography on her, and everybody that spoke about her on that biography had not a bad thing to say about her. She was a pro and yet I remember seeing an A&E biography on her and everybody that spoke about her on that biography had not a bad thing to

say about her. She was a pro. But she always did this during Baby Jane at the end of a shoot, at the end of the day when they would wrap, she would turn to the crew and go, bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you. And then Betty would come in the next morning and go, did bless you

get here yet? Where's Bless you? I want to speak to Bless you. He lights up when you do Betty Davis. I haven't seen him this happy in a long time. That's because he loves me. Look, Ann, come quickly. They want to operate on my head.

Remember Dark Victory? Look, Ann, I have a brain tumor and I'm going to wear a beanie. A, Anne, come quickly. They want to operate on my head. Remember Dark Victory? Look, Anne, I have a brain tumor and I'm going to wear a beanie, a beanie, Anne. Remember, the ending is so ridiculous.

She's dying in the garden but she doesn't, she's like so hyper. She's like, look, Anne, the clouds are coming in. Funny, I can still feel

the sun on my hands. Oh, Anne, it's not the clouds, it's me. I'm dying. Go now, Anne, be my best friend and when I die,

have champagne and be gay. Be very, very gay and then she dies. I thought Alfred Molina was good, too. Oh, he was mad. Oh, he was terrific. Robert Aldrich.

He was magnificent. Terrific in that. Magnificent. Oh, God. I didn't see the last couple. Did they hire someone to play Victor Buono? Did they give a... Oh, yeah.

They did. I didn't see the last couple. And they went into the whole thing about him being gay and he got arrested picking up a boy or something and she had to bail him out of jail Betty Davis I didn't know about that

I didn't even know Victor Bonham was gay Mike Gaydar is so bad when it comes to old time movie stars Mike Gaydar is bad I'm like Montgomery Clift I love pussy Edward Everett Horton yeah I'm like Montgomery Clift. I love pussy. Edward Everett Horton? Yeah.

You kidding me? Vincent Price loved to finger women. Oh, dear God. You guys, since we should talk a little bit of Christmas. Christmas. Since this is a Christmas episode. I love Christmas. Now, I found an article the last time we had some controversy because you and Gilbert differed strongly in your opinions of Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol.

I love Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. First of all, that score, Julie Stein, and I love Julie Stein. He wrote Funny Girl and he wrote Gypsy with Stephen Sondheim. I'm sorry. It's one of the worst scores ever. And I think he was on a break, like a mental break when he wrote it because it's awful. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Yeah, it took a lot to write that.

La, la, la, la, la. la, la, la. Yeah, it took a lot to write that. La, la, la, la, la. We're blank, blankety, blank, blank. No good. Really? That sucks. Now, Richard Kind. Silver and gold. Is that in there, too?

No, that's Rudolph. Oh, that's Rudolph. Oh. With the guy that named names, Burl Ives. Did he name names? Oh, yes. I didn't know that's Rudolph. Oh. With the guy that named names, Burl Ives. Did he name names? Oh, yes. I didn't know that. Yes.

See, I think if they do the remake of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, that the perfect Sam the Snowman would be Michael McDonald with that white hair and, you know. Oh, yeah. Silver and gold, silver and gold. Silver and gold, silver and gold. I love it. I think it'd be great. The one from Mr. Magoo says,

Is that Jim Backus singing that? Yes. I don't even remember that. And what about the horrible, horrible Brazzelberry Pussy Pudding? Can I have a Christmas tree with Wazzleberry Dressing? A little Wazzleberry would be nice. Well, you can't have it! No, my, go ahead.

I was going to say, you almost went to blows on this last year. Richard Kind. And I don't want to get to blows. No, we're not going to be blowing. Sexual harassment. Panda. All right. Sexual harassment.

Panda? Yeah, that's Trey Parker's side part. Did you ever see it? Oh, that's right. Well, I can't, you know, I've thought everyone knew. That's right. No, that's not my material. It's much too brilliant.

Go ahead. Richard Kind, our pal, was here a couple of times. Your pal as well. I love Richard. We all love Richard. And he said, he walked in here and he said, what the fuck is up with Mario and not liking Mr. Magoo's Christmas special? He never had any taste, Richard Kind. Terrible.

I love you, Richard, but that's a poor, poor, poor piece of Christmas shit. So this is the new Ryan Murphy feud is going to be you and Richard. Oh, you mean Richard Kind. It's over Jim Backus, Mr. Magoo, Julie Stein's Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol. It's perfect. So I found this article.

This is on a website called Collider, and I know you guys would respond to this. Collitis? Collider, not Collitis. That's what I thought he said. Not Collitis. That's so funny. I thought the same thing. It was Collitis. They ranked them from 20 to 1 from worst to best Scrooge adaptations.

Worst to best. Go ahead. I wanted you guys to get your input on this. The 20th is what they consider the worst or the weakest is Albert Finney Scrooge made in 1970. That's my number one. Really? That's bullshit. It's so.

First of all, let me tell you something about that musical. It's Leslie Brickus. And the score is magnificent. You know, it takes years to develop a Broadway musical. It really does. And to write it for film and for it to work is a miracle. That is probably my favorite Christmas Carol. If I had to pick one, that's the one.

So, fuck you, Colitis. Okay. Have you ever seen it? No. Oh, it's really good. I've never seen it either. Well, could you please watch it before? Yeah, so I can talk about it next time. The one they always show is Alistair Sim. Yeah, that's really good. I've never seen it either. Oh, well, could you please watch it before? We'll watch it this year. Yeah, so I can talk about it next week.

The one they always show is Alyssa Sim. Yeah, that's on here. That's the earliest one, right? That's on here. Well, let me plow through these. Scrooge at 20. No, that's the one in the 50s was the Alyssa Sim one. That may be in the top three.

Number 19, I can't believe they put this on here. Rich Little's Christmas Carol. You mean to tell me that beat? Albert Finney? Scrooge? Who the fuck did this list? Morons. Piss me off.

Number 19. He does Paul Lynn, W.C. Fields, Peter Falk, and Truman Capote in it. Number 18. The stingiest man in town. You know this. Yeah, that's it. This is a rank and bass. That's a rank and bass, yeah.

Who's, I don't know. With Walter Matthau and Tom Bosley. I think we touched upon it last year. I don't know that one that well, but yeah. This is a Rankin-Bass. That's a Rankin-Bass, yeah. Yeah. Who's, I don't know. With Walter Matthau and Tom Bosley. I think we touched upon it last year. I don't know that one that well, but yeah. Gilbert, this is going to disappoint you. Mr. Magoo's Christmas 17. No. Jeez.

That should have been number 100. Go ahead. I like the Mr. Magoo. It says, if you're a fan of the nearsighted Jim Backus voice cartoon character, then this Christmas special should be a slam dunk. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, this is a pass.

Okay. Yeah, so they don't love it either. They're with you. All right. Number 16, Bugs Bunny's Christmas Carol. Jesus Christ,

where was that one? I never even saw it. Are you familiar with that? Is it a short? Either one. Not that one. Merry Melodies. Let's see.

Number 15, Christmas Carol, The Musical. This is Alan Menken with Kelsey Grammer, Jason Alexander, Jane Krakowski. Did they film it? Yeah, I guess so. Live action TV special. Oh, well, because they did it on stage first.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I love Alan Menken. I think he's pretty magnificent. They don't make him like him anymore. Yeah. 15. 14, something called Ms. Scrooge with Cicely Tyson. Are we familiar with this?

No, I don't. Ms. Scrooge. No, but I love Cicely Tyson. Alan Menken did the music for a life. He's brilliant. He sure did. He's one of the greats. And Beauty and the Beast and Little Mermaid.

I mean, you don't get better than him. I'll plow through this. And he's got a Bronx Tale on Broadway right now. And if you have not seen it, the musical, it's phenomenal and funny and heartbreaking and great. And I was on a plane once, and this is so typical of me. A guy sitting next to me goes, hi, Gilbert, how are you? And I went, yeah, hi. And he goes, I'm Alan Menken.

I did the music for Aladdin. And I go, oh, Alan. Yeah, you had to really get it up in that split second. He's the worst. How do you fucking work with him? Oh, my God. The people he's let slip through his fingers over the years. They've given him his card and said, call me.

And I always get into a conversation with you. I go, oh, at that party i was talking to charlie chaplin yeah and you go did you ask him to be in the podcast yeah or he'll say i get a text from dara they're hanging out backstage at uh robert smichel show the other night with jj abrams oh and i don't submit oh he wants to do the podcast i don't suppose you closed no he didn't yeah't. Yeah, I'll never see him here. Always be closing. I'll get F. Murray, Abram. Not that I would turn him down for the show.

Number 13, Christmas Carol, the movie. Do you know this? No, I don't. Nicholas Cage is the voice of Marley. It had to be good. Next. Robert Zemeckis' Christmas Carol, which was that... With Jim Carrey?

Yes. I love that. You do? Oh, my God. I think it's magnificent. Computer animated. I think Jim Carrey is phenomenal. It's beautifully done.

I like that one. I have to see that one, too. Gilbert, did you see that? No. Robert Zemeckis' Christmas Carol. And the one with Nicholas Cage. Who's Scrooge? Oh, let you see that? No. Robert Zemeckis' Christmas Carol. And then the one with Nicolas Cage. Who's Scrooge? Oh, let's see.

Nicolas Cage, wasn't he? He wasn't Bob Cratchit. Christmas Carol, the movie. Let's see. Let me give him a chance. I should mention. Doesn't mention. No.

Doesn't mention. Guess what? It's that important. Yeah. How about Mickey's Christmas Carol at number 11? I love that. That's pretty good at number 11. That's damn good, that one. I like mention. Guess what? It's unimportant. Yeah. How about Mickey's Christmas Carol at number 11? I love that. That's pretty good at number 11. That's damn good, that one.

I like it. Yep. I love the Disney. Gilbert, any opinions on that one? I don't remember that one that well. I saw it. Okay. Look, I've seen everything that's Disney.

By the way, if you haven't seen Coco, the Disney Pixar film. Oh, the new Pixar. It is the best animated movie I've seen in decades. Who did the score? Did my friend Mike? It's not really a musical. The Lopez's that did Frozen have a few numbers in it. And it's actually better than anything they wrote in Frozen.

I thought that's how good it is. It's so heartbreaking and so stunning. And I was wrecked. I was weeping at the end of Coco. Really? I was gone. Gone. I got to tell the end of Coco. Really? I was gone. Gone. I gotta tell you,

I'm a, you know, I'm a Disneyphile. Yes. I'm a big Disney expert. I go back to Silly Symphonies, the first one, the Skeleton Dance.

That's a long time ago. Bambi and, and of course Aladdin, which are the new, newish ones for me. But, you know, I'm not a big Pixar person.

I'm, I'm a little, I know I'm in the minority on the first Toy Story. It's good. Second one's better. The third one's the best one. They're all good. But this is still even more emotional than the third Toy Story. Really? Yes, it is. It's a killer. And I

like the third Toy Story a lot. It's the best one. But the first one, the animation wasn't as kind of right at the time. It wasn't developed enough. So the toys look like the humans and the humans look like the toys. I was like, this does not work for me. So that's why I didn't like it.

I loved Up, The Incredibles, and this. Oh, I loved Up. This tops it all. Yeah, I loved Up. Okay, go ahead. Okay, Gil, any opinion on the Pixar films? Oh, which one? He doesn't give a shit.

He doesn't care. He takes the money and runs. He doesn't go see their product. He's like, Disney, I'm out of here. Have you seen Aladdin since you were in it? Yes, yes. Okay, because you have children. Yeah.

Up was the one with Ed Asner. With Ed Asner. It was so good. And a great performance by Ed. The beginning of that makes you want to kill yourself. Yes, it does. So does Joan Cusack's montage in Toy Story 2, which is beautiful. Yeah, it's beautiful.

Really beautifully handled. All right. Number 10, a Flintstones Christmas Carol. No. That's all right. Does this mean anything to you? Don't remember. Next.

I can't believe Scrooge. I know. We're going to, you know. Go ahead. You got a bone to pick. Number nine, a Christmas carol with Patrick Stewart. Yeah, I love Patrick Stewart. But, all right, he does all the characters.

Can we get maybe Rich Little in there again? Go ahead. Number eight, a Christmas carol. With Frank Ocean. With Tim Curry playing Scrooge. This is an animated Christmas Carol from 1997. Okay, never saw that one, but I love Tim Carroll. Number seven, The Muppet Christmas Carol with Michael Caine.

Very good. Okay. Very good, yes. You seem to like a lot of these. I like that. I do. Go ahead, next. Number six, A Christmas Carol from 1984 with George C. Scott.

One of my favorites. That I remember. Magnificent. I'm glad that's up there because that's, out of the non-musical ones, that's my favorite. Let's see. This had David Warner, the British actor Frank Finlay, and the late Roger Rees. It's a great one. 1984.

I've seen this one. It's quite good. I have it on Blu-ray. It's quite good. Number five, you're not going to like this, Scrooged with Bill Murray. No. Richard Donner's. No.

It does have. Carol Kane's in it. She's magnificent. Carol Kane is very good. And so is Bill Murray. I just don't love it. And Bobcat, our friend Bobcat. I don't like the TV executive producer update.

The screenplay was much funnier. Was it? A Christmas Carol from 1971. What's that? Let's see. Who the hell was in this one? This is animated. It also helps Alistair Simm.

Reprises his role of Scrooge. Oh, okay. Good for him. Made famous 20 years earlier. Do you know this one, Gil? Oh, no. And finally, the top three. Scrooge from 1935.

Yep, that's good. With Sir Seymour Hicks. Yes, that's on Turner Classic Movies this month. In the role of Scrooge. Yep. Gil, you's good. With Sir Seymour Hicks. Yes, that's on Turner Classic Movies In the role of Scrooge. Yep. Gil, you've got some viewing to do.

And? And the last two, A Christmas Carol from 1938 with Reginald Owen. Yeah, yeah. And number one is Gilbert's favorite.

Wait, wait, wait. 1951. Wait, you left out, they left out one. Which one? What did we leave out? Henry Winkler. Oh? Henry Winkler. Oh, Henry Winkler.

Henry Winkler played Scrooge. Yes, he did. In 1979 in an American Christmas Carol. You know, I did an off-Broadway play last year called A Room of My Own, and it took place in 1979. And I played a closeted, self-righteous, judgmental gay man who did not speak about his sexuality and had opinions about everything they were talking about. A Christmas carol and he was saying to his niece and nephew, get up! This show and Scrooge is going to be on TV.

And the brother-in-law goes, which one? And he goes, which one? The one with Alice the Sim. There's only one. Henry Winkler as Ebenezer Scrooge. Did you ever? With special effects by Rick Baker. Wow.

How about that shit? Wow. Here's a couple other oddities I found. These were made for television. 1947, a Dumont version of the Scrooge story with John Carradine as Scrooge. Oh, oh. And David Carradine, his son. As Tiny Tim?

As Tiny Tim. Wow. And Ava Marie Saint. Did he karate chop people with his crutches? Snatched the crutches from my hand. Ava Marie Saint and her TV debut. Wow. Okay.

Right? And then there's one broadcasted December 25th, 1949, a 30-minute adaptation with someone called Taylor Holmes. You can't do it in 30 minutes. With Vincent Price as the narrator. Oh, jeez. Wow, okay, there you go. Yeah.

And lastly, Frederick March and Basil Rathbone did it in 1954. Oh, that's pretty awesome. A filmed musical adaptation. I'd like to see that. Starring Frederick March as Scrooge and Basil Rathbone as Marley. Okay. Wow. That's all I got.

All right, I'm exhausted from this list. Yeah. We're going to take this up with Colitis. Please do. The website. Colitis is wrong. And Richard Kind. Oh, forget Richard Kind.

I'm going to kick his ass when I see him. Don't go away. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. I'm going away. Stop it, you. This is Larry Cohen and you're listening to Gilbert Godfrey's Amazing Colossal Podcast.

Could someone validate my parking? We can't live without you. Gilbert and Frank. We can't live without you. Gilbert and Frank. We can't live without you. Gilbert and Frank. We can't live without you.

And now we return to the show. You want to have some silly fun now? Yes, I do want to have some fun. What do you think? Let's try something goofy. Okay. For the fans. I can't wait. Okay, this is yours.

Oh, my script? Gilbert, this is yours. Oh, I like this. And this is not a song. We're going to do a little Christmas poetry. Oh, good. What do you think? Okay.

Let's give this a shot. Okay. Shall we? I think you're both familiar with this. Okay. All right. Ready? Okay. Okay. Shall we? I think you're both familiar with this. Okay, so... Ready? Okay, so are we going to say who they are or are we just going to do them?

We're going to just do them. And then I'll explain at the end who everybody is. Alright. T'was the night before Christmas when I went through the house. Not a creature was staring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that St. Nick soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads, and Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap. When out on the lawn there rose such a platter, I sprang to my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash to open the shutters

and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow gave a luster of midway to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes it appeared, but a miniature sleighly, and eight-tiny reindeer. With the little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment he must be Saint Nick. More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen. To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall. Now dash away, dash away, dash away all. as leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky. So up to the housetop, the cautious they flew with a sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too. And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

the prancing and pawing of each little hope. As I drew in my hand and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bow. chimney, St. Nicholas came with a bound. He was just old and far from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

and he looked like a peddler just opening his back. His eyes, how they twinkled. His dimples, how merry. His cheeks were like roses. His nose like a cherry. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow. And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly and that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

He was shabby and plump, a right old jolly old elf and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, not but went straight to work and filled all his stockings and turned into a jerk and laying his finger aside of his nose he giving up a nod up the chimney he rose alloy sprang to his sleigh to his his team, gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, he drove out of sight. Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Martha, make me a martini. Oh, God. That was exhausting. That was brilliant. That was epic. That was epic and brilliant.

Wow. Let me have the piece of paper so I can tell them who that was. Oh, God, please do. Oh, my God. They'll need to know with me. That was James Mason, Julia Child, Peter Lorre, Mario's wonderful Liza, Tony Curtis, Post Stroke Betty made a comeback, Jerry Seinfeld, Shelley Winters, John MacGyver,

Katherine Hepburn, Vincent Price, Kathleen Turner, Andrew Dice Clay, your wonderful Charles Nelson Reilly, and Paul Lynn. Trees are big banana ink crayons. Oh, God. He used to do like a commercial with the gorilla and the big banana ink crayons. Charles Nelson Reilly? Yeah, there was a gorilla in the commercial. We had Butch Patrick on the show.

I may have told you this. I know, Lidsville. And he said that he chased him around the set. His career would have been over today. That's for sure. Oh, yeah.

Frankie, maybe we'll find some music to throw under that at some point. Oh, yes, Frankie. Please do. I'm going to sound design the shit out of that.

Oh, he's going to make art out of that. Here's a couple of quick out of that. Oh, he's going to make art out of that. Here's a couple of quick questions from listeners. Oh, please do. Some Christmas questions. Christmas questions. For you boys. Kai, K-I, Kai.

I just watched Frosty the Snowman and I realized I saw a major investigation discovery moment knowing that Karen watched Frosty slowly melt. Can she ever recover from that? First of all, Frosty was a pedophile because he went into that greenhouse with her and he got all hot and he melted. Which is what should have happened to Harvey Weinstein. He should have taken them into

a greenhouse and melted. Gilbert, were you traumatized when Frosty melted? Jackie Vernon, by the way. Oh, that's right. Point that out. The great Jackie Vernon. I'm Frosty the Snowman.

We should have put Jackie Vernon into that. And who else? Who was the villain in that? Billy DeWolf. Billy DeWolf. That's right. I used to do Billy DeWolf. Busy, busy, busy. Busy, busy.

Yeah. Another one who used to get pussy. Oh, Wolf. That's right. I used to do Billy D. Wolf. Busy, busy, busy. Busy, busy, busy. Yeah. Another one who used to get pussy. Oh, yeah. Big pussy. Up to his ears. He was a pussy grabber. He was ahead of his time. There's tape on him in a bus somewhere, too.

With tons of pussy. A chorus line of pussy. Busy, busy, busy with pussy. I should have put Billy Dee Wolf and Jackie Vernon into the poem. This is from Big Daddy. Hi, Gilbert, Frank, and Mario. Happy holidays to you guys. Happy holidays.

In your not-so-humble opinions, what are the best and worst Christmas specials of all time? Other Gilbert than Bob Hope as Jack Frost. Oh, that was pretty much it. Easily number one. Yeah. Worst? What is the most embarrassing celebrity moment you remember from a holiday special? Oh, Jesus. Is there one? Maybe the

Brady kids singing something. Did they do a Christmas special? Oh, yes. Yeah, maybe that. I'm sure they did. Most embarrassing moment in... Oh, you know what I love? Remember the King family? Oh, sure. Oh, my God. I actually, yeah, I like the King family.

And it was once with one of the sisters whose son was off to war and he surprised her and came back in the middle of her number. They surprised her. It was very emotional. The King family. Yeah, I remember those specials when I was a kid. The Andy Williams specials. Oh Oh yeah, that one too with the

Osmonds. The Osmonds were on that too. And the bear that used to come knocking on the door looking for cookies. Do you remember that? No. On the Andy Williams show? Am I the only person that remembers that? What about the bear who slept through Christmas? Do you know that one? No. With Tommy Smothers and Barbara Felden and Artie Johnson? That's a good one. The bear who slept

through Christmas. They don't show it and you can't even get it on Blu-ray, which is very disturbing. And it's really good. Something we didn't ask Barbara Felden about. I know. Yeah. Uh, Mr. Gottfried, this is from Eric Ryan. Of course, when I met her, it was the first, the first thing I brought up. You did? Yeah. She's lovely. Yeah. She's very nice. She's a wonderful person. I like her a lot. Uh, Mr. Gottfried, what did you get your kids? What will you get your kids that is Monster or Old Hollywood related as gifts? Oh, geez. You do that?

Yeah. Does Max want Monster stuff? Is he into the stuff you were into? This was a proud moment that happened at this Thanksgiving dinner. What happened? There was, we were at someone's house. We were talking to a guy at the table and Dara introduced Max to this guy. And Max looked at him and very seriously went, you kind of look like Lon Chaney Jr. Oh, isn't that great? See, you've trained your children well.

Yes. So I don't that great? See, you've trained your children well. Yes. So I don't need a DNA test on him. And then did the guy slap him? But so he knows. Does he know Glenn Strange? Does he know all the- Yeah. He one time scribbled something on his shoulder and pulled his shirt back and said,

I'm the wolf man, because it had the sign, Cheney had the sign of the pentagram on his shoulder. Oh, wonderful. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is great. How many eight-year-olds know who Maria Ouspenskaya is? I know, right? The bear, the bear of the bear. Holy Gilbert.

Gilbert, do a little Maria Ouspenskaya from Mario. The bear valve of the barrel. Holy Gilbert. Gilbert, do a little Maria Ospenskaya from Mario. The way you walk is thorny through no fault of your own. But as the river enters the soil, oh, as the river enters the stream, the stream enters the sea. So tears go on to a predestined end.

Find peace for a moment, my son. Is that the last thing she says when he's dead? Yeah. Impressive. And even a man who is pure at heart and says his prayers by night may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright. Show me one other podcast that goes from Charles Nelson Reilly to Maria Ousmane Scott. I can't believe you do her. I always knew you were a great drag queen. You know, now that I think of it.

A little bit. Yeah. A little bit. Just a little bit. Let's say you're Charles Nelson Reilly, Gilbert. Do you do Charles Nelson Reilly? No, I never could do it. Oh, oh, oh.

All right, go ahead. What's next? That's life. I was never able to. It's close. It's life. I was never able to. It's close. It's good. You should get it. Do a couple of gay actors.

You do, I think, Sidney Greenstreet. Was Sidney Greenstreet in the Friend of Dorothy? I don't know. Sidney Greenstreet. Yeah, he must have been. Yeah, he must have been. Like, isn't that that Robert Morley thing going on? Raymond Burr.

And wait, though, but you do Vincent Price. He does Vincent Price. Yes. Yeah. Now, he like... Cunt. No, he did not. I heard he was bisexual. I'm like, I don't think so.

Well, he was married to Coral Brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Cary Grant was married to Betsy Drake. That's true. And Diane Cannon. So, Sidney Greenstreet may have been? I am speculating. Yeah, I've never heard that about him. I've never heard that either.

All right, perhaps I'm breaking news. That's because you don't want to pitch. I apologize to the Greenstreet family. Yes, I enjoy talking to a man who enjoys to talk. I distress close-mouthed men. He's got a repertoire. This is from, oh, and Eric wants to add, Gilbert, please give away all those hoarded soaps and shampoo

to a homeless shelter. You'll feel better. Fuck the homeless. What did they ever do for me? Well. Yeah, I'll tell you what they did. Yeah. They bootlegged Aladdin and made you no money.

Sold it on the streets. On the F train. Yeah. Liz Belmont, our friend Liz Belmont, I would love to hear you sing the Paul Tripp song from The Christmas That Almost Wasn't. I don't think we're going to do that. No, but I know. Do you know that movie?

No, I know. The Persona Brasi? Talk about brutal special effects. Yeah. But I remember being kind of obsessed with that movie when I was a kid. What's the song called? I don't know. She didn't put it down here.

All right. We'll have to learn it for next year. But barring that question, what was the best and worst gift you got as a kid for Christmas or Hanukkah? I got everything I wanted. My mother never said I love you, but she was like, here. Here's the Disney films book. And I'm like, Leonard Maltin. I she was like, here, here's the Disney films book. And I'm like, Leonard Maltin. You know, I was the only one that was excited about the Disney films.

Oh, I have, I have the first edition. I love that book. And the big Christopher Finch, the art of Walt Disney, that book, my fucking head popped off when I got that. You've got this, I've talked about this. You have that wonderful montage on your wall. Well, I have real cells. I have cells.

Yeah. Um, and then I have this art piece that's kind of, it's a whole other thing. I've talked about this. You have that wonderful montage on your wall. Well, I have real cells. I have cells. And then I have this art piece that's kind of it's a whole other thing. I can't explain it. But it has Disney-esque, but it's got a whole kind of civil rights movement thing. It's very interesting. This piece called Alabama Theater by a woman named Elizabeth Russell. It's all little blocks of pictures and the outside is all Song of the South. It's over your kitchen table. As you go in, it's like pictures from the Civil Rights Movement. It's really interesting. But yeah, I have cells. Yeah, but all the Disney, like I had all these Disney tchotchkes,

like ceramic stuff and porcelain bisque scenes from Penoa. I mean, I had them all. Did you save any of that stuff? Well, Jerry, my husband, as soon as we moved in together, which was 25 years ago, he's like, this shit's going away.

I'm wrapping it up, and I'm putting it in boxes, and you were not having no Disney tchotchkes, so I had to get rid of it. It would have been gone by now, but I wasn't ready at the time. So, yeah, but I... Probably worth a lot.

Oh, I don't know. No, it's not really. I'm telling you, that Disney Films book by Leonard Maltin, I love that book. One time, I was in Vegas and I passed this guy and I thought it was Leonard Maltin. I was like, Leonard, I love that Disney Films book.

He turned around and he was like, I didn't write a Disney Films book. I was like, oh my God, John Landis. I'm sorry. I thought you were Leonard Maltin. Is that true? You thought John Landis was Leonard Maltin. Yes, I did.

I could understand that. We had Leonard Maltin here. He was wonderful. Oh, I love Leonard. Gilbert, what was your worst Hanukkah gift? Did you get Hanukkah gifts? Did you get guilt? No.

You know, that's funny. Guilt is, like, similar to those little miniature candy Santas. Like the wrapping on it is the most fun, like the gold coins and the little Santas. But the chocolate is horrible. It's the worst chocolate. I don't think it even would qualify as real chocolate. It's brown and sugary, but... No, and it's not really good chocolate.

You're talking about the ones in the coin? You're talking about the one in the coin? The chocolate's not good? Yeah. Those are terrible, and the chocolate Santas are terrible. Yeah. You got to go to, like, Lilac's Chocolate and get some wrapped up chocolate, saying that's what you got to do.

You can't fuck with the big coke. What kind of chocolate is going to be inside of a coin? No offense to your people. But you didn't get gifts. No, I didn't get that. Your family celebrated Hanukkah? No, no. I wish. And then I would have gotten like loads of gifts.

You would have gotten eight of them. Yeah. Eight gifts. One a night. Well, yeah, we got, you know, I got great gifts. I did. But I didn't, you know, I didn't. See, I was like Divine in female trouble.

If I didn't get what like I wanted, I would throw a fit. Like when Divine got something else. What a reference. She got something and she was like, what are these? She's like, I wanted cha-cha heels. Black ones. That was you. Yeah, that was me. I remember your bit about trying to watch

the uncle with the pinky ring. Oh, they were all booking and betting. Thanksgiving. Watching TV and screaming and I was like, shut up! I'm trying to watch The Wizard of Oz! I was like, 12 was like, shut up. I'm trying to watch The Wizard of Oz. I was like 12. Gayer than anything. And lastly, from listener David Keys, I have one request and that is anything that involves

post-stroke Betty Davis. Well, you got your wish. Okay. Because post-stroke Betty Davis made an appearance. She did. She did. Oh, yes. Now.

Christmas is here. I have a couple of obscure Christmas songs. And she used to go on Merv Griffin, post-stroke, in a fucking miniskirt. No, she didn't. It wasn't Merv Griffin. She went on Johnny Carson and David Letterman in the miniskirt. Yeah, fucking miniskirt. She had a miniskirt with, like, buttons all over it, and she went, I, Patrick Kelly, designed this dress.

It has large buttons all over it, and the hat, it has one large button on top of it. Patrick Kelly. And the first time she was on, it was the second time she was on Carson. The first time she was on, it was before her stroke, when when Richard Pryor was on and Barbra Streisand had cancelled and that's why she never went on Carson again because she cancelled the day of and Betty Davis said and she didn't call

and Carson said no she didn't and Betty went charming and Richard Pryor was the second guest, and he was so humbled next to her. It was unbelievable. This was 1983. But then when she had the stroke, she went on again. The first time she was in a red dress, who designed for Dynasty

and many other motion pictures and television shows. And I wore this to Paris to get the Les Des Artistes Award from the French government. Let me read it. Les Des Artistes. That's me. I am a artiste Yeah

You know I have to say The impression of course Is brilliant But what people miss Is they don't get to see You contort your face And talk out of the side Which Gilbert is just loving

Oh you must She was always Where is my mouth Where is my mouth You didn't tell us before You didn't finish the story When you met her When you were at the book signing

Oh yeah The record signing Yeah she. Oh yeah, she was signing records and she was very like, come here, hurry up, hurry up, come, come. And that was it. I love you, Miss Davis. Yes, okay, here. That was it. She wasn't supposed to sign names and she signed it to

Mario. Really? And then guess what? That album is gone. Where'd it go? My cousin Jeannie had it and she either sold it or lost it. She might have sold it, you know, that side of the film.

I never put this out to our 700,000 plus listeners. Someone out there, find Mario's Betty Davis record on eBay. To Mario. It says for Mario,

Betty Davis. Yeah. You want to play a couple of these, Frank, and see if these guys can recognize these songs, and then we'll just go to music? Oh, what is it? These are five singers doing Christmas carols,

and I want to know if you guys can tell me who's doing the singing. So we'll do this quickly. Let's do it randomly. You want to do it randomly? Okay. You're trying to stump me, too? I know what they are. You know what they are you know what they are here's number one

it's not it's not lauren Green, is it? Do you have a guess? Is that... I don't know. Think classy horror star. Is it Boris Carlin? John Carradine? It's Christopher Lee.

Christopher Lee? Doing a heavy metal version of The Little Drummer Boy. Oh my god. I find some weird shit. I just realized it was The Little Drummer Boy. My favorite Christmas special. Wow. Play a little bit of that again.

Here we go, Frankie. A little more Christopher Lee. I don't think he's playing. I think he's just singing. Oh, my God. That's scary for all the wrong reasons. It really is. Heavy metal Lee. That's frightening. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Okay, next one. They were stumped oh yeah let's take another approach of the same song i know who mary will get this one oh bob dylan the worst worst Christmas album ever. All right, that's enough. He's not even on the cover of that album, yo.

He's passed out on the one horse. He does Oh Come All Ye Faithful. He does a bunch of them. Oh, he keeps getting close. He keeps getting close. He keeps getting close. Hey. Oh, my God.

Do you hear what I hear? Apparently not. I knew you'd get that one easily. What else, Frankie? I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. We got dueling Zimmermans going on. This one's going to be a little tricky. Okay.

Looking at the screen, man. I'm not looking at the screen, Mary. I'm not looking at the screen. Santa works all day in his workshop, making a lot of games and toys. Then one day he hops in his sleigh to bring them to the girls and boys. Santa's just as nice as he could be. By his consonants as he could be. By his consonants, he's Italian. There's just one fucking thing that's what we mean. If it doesn't snow on Christmas,

I gotta learn this. How's badass gonna use that sleigh? Use that sleigh. In case of rain, would there be a train that'll speed him on his way? If it doesn't snow this christmas how's that ass get around to what's funny for an italian there's no vibrato so funny the way you got that as soon as he said i want the thing the thing and then and it's fucking oh and as soon as he said fucking i I'm like, all right, go ahead next. Gil, did you know that existed? No.

Did he do an album? Yes. What? Did he do an album? I found all his shit. I've got to get that. Too scary. I've got to get it.

What's scarier, that or Christopher Lee? Oh, God. Okay. And Frank, very cannily, has saved the last two. I know what you're up to because these are Gilbert Gottfried favorites. I'm going to throw a hint out there. Okay.

Podcast favorites. Without the mistletoe Would it be Christmas Without the wind and snow No fireplace, no Christmas tree Danny Kaye? You're warm. Would it be Christmas Oh, can I get a clue? Frank, you want to give him a clue?

Some say he shattered the glass ceiling when it came to singing. Some say he shattered the glass table. Oh, Danny Thomas? It's Danny Thomas. Yes, yes, yes. Close. Danny Thomas. That is Danny Thomas singing Yes. Yes. Close. Danny Thomas. That is Danny Thomas singing Christmas songs. Brought to you by Windex.

Just a different version of Windex Christmas Hour. Oh, gosh. He shattered the plastic. He put something extra in your stocking this year. And it wasn't a lump of coal. Imagine how happy I was when I found that. Oh, geez. That's great.

Awesome. And the last one. What is it? I got to queue it up. Okay. You know, Peggy Lee did a great Christmas album. Actually, it's not. Santa will be climbing over the table this year.

Oh, God. All right. Here we go. Another one for you, Gil. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols being sung By a choir and folks Dressed up like Eskimos

Any guesses? Mel Torme's The Christmas Song. Wow! Any guesses? Not Mel Torme, he wrote it. Is it Victor Mohn now? Not Victor Mohn. Some say he may have stalled when he was recording this.

He may have what? Stalled. Stalled. It's a perfecto version, Gilbert, if you will. Perfecto telly? No. George Maharis? No way.

That is George Maharis. He's got a nice voice. Doesn't he? Yes, he does. And he's got some toilet paper stuck to his shoe. And he's got some toilet paper stuck to his shoe. He's got a lot of toys and goodies for his sleigh. Do you know the George Mahara story? No, I don't.

You don't know the George? No. I'm ashamed of you as a faggot. I'm sorry. What did I do wrong now? What happened? Okay. Okay.

George Mahara was caught in the, at the height of his career, was caught in a gas station men's room in the stall with a guy by the name of Perfecto Telles. A hairdresser. So he liked pussy too. Yes, yes. Wow. He was quite the pussy hound. I didn't know he was perfect. You didn't know that scandal?

No. George Maharis know that scandal? No. George Maharis and perfecto tellies. I didn't take the key. What is he, an idiot? What do you mean he got caught? Yeah. In the men's room bathroom? Yeah, in the stall.

Oh, God, no. See, it wasn't an individual bathroom. He's a pig going in a stall like that, like a fucking cow. I'm surprised you didn't know that story. I didn't know. That's disgusting. cow. I'm surprised you didn't know that story. I didn't know. That's disgusting. Yeah. I cannot know.

I was very happy to find the Danny Thomas and the George Maharis Christmas songs. Wow. Wow. That's two of my favorite rumors. I looked hard for a really hard, I searched far and wide for Cesar Romero Christmas song. I could not find one. Yeah. And they squeezed out their cookies on Danny that day.

Oh, God. I am not touching that. All right. Favor us with one more. And then we're going to turn it over to you, maestro. Frankie, I believe you have this queued up. Oh, this is the song. Yeah.

This is our little duet. Okay. And we're going to see if Gilbert can stay either on meter or in key. When have I ever failed? Never. Okay, so we're going to do this as... As what's written there. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Should we say? No. I think this is what's called a special old memory that we're bringing back by popular demand. Yeah, but last year was Betty Davis. This year it is not. I don't want anybody confused. No.

This is a callback to your very first appearance here. Oh, it is? Oh, okay. I don't remember. Go ahead. So here we go. A little Christmas memory, a little flashback. Our Christmas gift to our fans.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. And since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. It doesn't show signs of stopping. And I brought some corn for popping. The lights are turned way down low. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. When we finally kiss goodnight. Oh, I hate going out in the storm. But if you really

hold me tight, all the way home I'll be wild. The fire is slowly dying, and my dear, we're still goodbying. And look at you love me so.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Musical interlude. When we finally kiss goodnight, how I hate going out in the storm. But if you really hold me tight. All the way home I'll be wild. The fire's slowly dying. And my dear, my good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good it snow, let it snow, let it snow I'm a jazz baby

Little jazz baby, that's me There's something in the tone of a saxophone that makes me do a little shimmy on my own because I'm a jazz baby. Did you ever meet her in your travels? I did. I did meet her a few times.

She's still with us. She still is, huh? She's well in her 90s. She must have passed 95 at this point. Hello, Dolly. That was a flashback to your very first appearance here. I did Carol Channing. We did when Harry met Sally.

Oh, that's right. With you as Carol Channing and Herbie Villachess. You know who I always forget to do? Well, Peggy Lee. Yeah, well, give us a little Peggy Lee. No, no, no. Next year we'll save it. Okay, next year. And Lauren Bacall. My Bacall is quite good. You know I knew her. Yes. And I loved her. Yes. And I loved her. Yes.

I knew you were friends with Kathleen Turner, so I decided to work that out. Oh, Kathleen. Well, she's my, I love Kathleen. She was on a flight with me. She was on a flight with me to San Francisco, and she was like, Mario, what are you doing here? I was like, I'm going to San Francisco. What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm going to San Francisco, too. I'm like, what are you doing? I'm spending the 4th of July in Bolinas. I'm like, Bolinas? I go to Bolinas. Oh, Bolinas is the greatest town in Northern California. There's a lot of, the great white shark infestation

is just miraculous. The surfers all stop when they see one like a prayer circle. And ships, they're abandoned and they go off. They sweep up onto the shore. I like Bodunich's Bird. Well, I'm spending mine in Healdsburg. Well, Healdsburg is nice, but Bodunich's is better.

Did you ever see anybody do Kathleen's? No. My brother lives in Santa Rosa. I'm like, I love all the Charlie Brown stuff. Yes, here's a house. It's shaped like Snoopy. I'm like, I love all the Charlie Brown stuff. Yes, here's a house.

It's shaped like Snoopy. Do you know what's scary? What's that? After not appearing on the screen for years, she pops up in that last of the Dumb and Dumber. Oh, yes. And the entire thing, the entire character description, is how ugly she is.

Is that what they did? Are you serious? Yes. Wow. She was a striking woman. She was striking. And, you know, she also became, like, the great theater actress. Like, her Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, which I think she should have won the Tony for. We were nominated that same year, 2005.

And she, her Virginia Woolf, her Martha, oh, my God. And Bill Irwin playing George. Oh, 2005. And she, her, Virginia Woolf, her Martha, oh my God. And Bill Irwin playing George. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. He won the Tony. She lost it and she was... And she's a good comedian. Did you ever see The Man with Two Brains? Yeah, she's very funny. She's very talented. I loved her. And

Serial Mom, of course. Oh God, I love that. I love that one too. We gotta get John Waters in here. Or Kathleen Turner. Either one. Yeah. Well, we'll lean on you to help. Okay.

Gil? Well. Okay, well. He's going to do a big finale. Oh! You know, I have to have Judy Garland make an appearance, because Christmas is nothing without me, Miss Judy Garland, and I'd like to do a song that Count Basie and I did originally on my show in 1963 with Mel Torme, who we eventually fired because he was unruly and just very demanding.

He did some marvelous material for us, but we had to let him go. And, of course, he was the first to write the book about me. He was a son of a bitch. So we'll do what we did last year. We'll sign off. Sign off. We'll wish everybody a happy holidays and Merry Christmas, and we'll let you take us out.

All right. Ms. Garland. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre and we've had on the guy who's been dogged by unproven gay rumors his entire career

and I wish they would stop Mario Cantone. As everyone knows, I love pussy. Where's my development deal? My friend, this was great, as always. My chest hurts from laughing. I think we did

pretty well this year. I think we did extremely well. The bar was high. It was very high. I'm Judy again, because I'm going to take you out with a marvelous song. Well, we want to wish our fans and our listeners a Merry Christmas. We gave them what they wanted. I love my fans.

I love all of you. We miss you, Merry Christmas, and a happy Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and whatever you like to celebrate. We'll see you guys next year. Happy Christmas. The snow is snowing The wind is blowing But I can weather the storm Why do I care how much it may storm I've got my love to keep me warm.

Take it, Liza. I can't remember a worse December. Just watch those icicles fall. What do I care if I sickle for a month? I've got my love to keep me warm. Back to you, Mama. Off with my overcoat. Off with my gloves.

I need no overcoat. I'm burning with love. My heart's on fire. The flame goes higher. But I can weather the storm. Why do I care how much it may storm? I've got my love to keep me warm How facey, everybody.

It's swinging, isn't it, Liza? It's terrific, Mama. I'm so scared. Liza, don't be scared. I'm so terrified. Liza, the ones with the greatest fear have the greatest talent. Oh, thank you, Ella. I appreciate it.

I give 100%. You give what you can, darling. Off with my overcoat. Off with my glove. I need no overcoat. I'm burning with love. My heart's on fire The flame grows higher

But I can weather the storm Why do I care how much it may storm? Oh, happy Christmas, Liza Oh, happy Christmas, Liza Oh, happy Kwanzaa Mama I've got my love to keep me warm Thank you. and social media is handled by Mike McPadden, Greg Pair, and John Bradley-Seals. Special audio contributions by John Beach. Special thanks to Paul Rayburn, John Murray, John Fodiatis,

and Nutmeg Creative. Especially Sam Giovonco and Daniel Farrell for their assistance. guitar solo Thank you.