Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 221. Richard Belzer

Episode Date: August 20, 2018

Gilbert and Frank welcome a return visit from an old friend -- comic, actor and author Richard Belzer (joined by former GGACP guests Tom Leopold and Paul Shaffer), for a hilarious round-table discussion of essential topics, including: the glory days of Catch a Rising Star, the Jackie Mason-Ed Sullivan feud, the infamous Chevy Chase roast and the war between Gallagher and "Gallagher Too." Also, Señor Wences sells the act, Alan King lusts after Topo Gigio, Liza plays the Rhineland and Mick Jagger pays "The Belz" a rare compliment. PLUS: "Al Capone, the Musical"! The return of Dick & Stinky! The ballad of Perfecto Telles! Gilbert "louses" Harry Shearer! And Richard remembers his friend (and hero) Jerry Lewis. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear

on Disney+. In season three, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins,

the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Iowa Debris, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. Hi, I'm Rosanna Arquette, and you're here listening to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. We're once again recording at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Fertorosa. Our guest this week is back for a return engagement on this podcast, and we couldn't be happier about it.

He's an actor, writer, TV and radio host, New York Times bestselling author, and one of the most admired and influential stand-up comedians of the last five decades. You've seen him in hit movies like Fame, Scarface, The Groove Tube, Night Shift, Mad Dog and Glory, The Wrong Guys, A Very Brady Sequel, Man on the Moon, and The Comedian. Why doesn't anybody know you? He's done notable work in dozens of TV shows, including Moonlighting, Miami Vice, Mad About You, Lois and Clark, The X-Files, South Park, Arrested Development. I'm going to have to shave again. I lost the suit size waiting for you. And The Wire.

And, of course, Homicide, Life on the Street, and Law and Order, playing one of the most enduring characters in television history, Detective John Munch, a character that would go on to appear in at least 10 different series. You want more? Fine. He's also the author of several New York Times bestsellers, including UFOs, JFK, and Elvis. I am not a cop. Dead wrong.

I am not a psychic. Dead wrong. Dead wrong. The hit list. Hit list. And? Someone is hiding something. The Hit List. Hit List. And? Someone is hiding something. Corporate Conspiracy.

And the soon-to-be-published Conversations... I was waiting for you to say that. With Jerry Lewis. Conversations with Jerry about his longtime friendship with the late, great Jerry Lewis. But as impressive as those accomplishments are, he'll forever be known and beloved to audiences

as one half of the iconic Vangeloquism act, Dick and Stinky. That's right. Fuck you, you Jew! Oh, Stinky, we're on air now. You can't... Oh, come on, Stinky That's right Fuck you you Jew Oh Stinky we're on air now Oh come on Stinky

Too bad Hitler didn't finish the job Oh Stinky That's terrible You know I try to take Stinky everywhere Your lips don't move at all though No they don't His lips move Please welcome back to the show.

Yes. My fellow survivor of Think of the Night. Yes. The legendary Bells himself, our pal, Richard Bell. Oh, hey-o. I thought that would never end. The show is over now, right? Hey-o.

That's it. Is that it? That's it. No, no. My wrist was shorter. Oh, no. Well, for many ways. Oh, no. Well, for many ways.

Hey, Gil. Yes. Do you remember when we first met? I'm going to say Catcher Rising Star. Do you know how old you were when I met you? What? How old you were when we first met. Oh, God.

19. Yeah? Yeah. I thought I was even younger. No, 19, and you came in, and Rick Newman said, hey, this guy's good. He does impressions. Yeah. So you went up, and you did, like—

James Mason, Boris Karloff. James Mason, Boris Karloff, Curly doing Beethoven. Yeah. Humphrey Goldguard. And the shit has not changed, and that was what, 17? Yes, the same act. And the clothes haven't changed. That's the worst part.? Yes, the same act. And the clothes haven't changed. That's the worst part. The clothes, the act.

I'm working on my Robert Mitchum image. Oh, really? Are you really? Should we introduce the other two gentlemen in the room? I don't think that's necessary. The other two have been who have been annoying during my introduction. Yes. Annoying.

During my introduction, the most important part of this show is, of course, the legendary band leader of the David Letterman Show, as well as a million other credits. And that's Paul Shaik. Thanks so much. Fun to be here. Just taking up space. That's all I'm doing. How's the wine? Good? Just taking the wine.

It's lovely. Good. And now a man who needs an introduction. And's the wine? Good? Just taking the wine. It's lovely. Good. And now a man who needs an introduction. A man who needs absolutely no introduction. Well, maybe a little. Thank you. A man responsible for so much.

Seinfeld. So much of the writing. Yeah, my credits are on. Responsible for so much of the writing. Oh, thank you, Paulie. Some of the great comedy writers. My credits can be found in the National Archives you are like the Harry Crane our Harry Crane

special man you did that show about the bar Cheers you did the show with Seinfeld Harry Crane tell the folks who Harry Crane is Tom Harry Crane was I came in just a generation just missing the Harry Crane. Harry Crane. Tell the folks who Harry Crane is, Tom. Harry Crane was – I came in just a generation too – just missing the Harry Crane days and the salad days.

Yeah. And the halcyon days. Was Harry Crane around when you first started? He might have been but probably pretty much retired. But why is he – Bill Persky and all those guys knew him very well and said he was the funniest guy but he was the meanest guy in the world. Meanest to the other writers but always take credit but hilarious.

You've heard of Harry Crane, right? Oh yeah, Bill Persky told us some Harry Crane stories. And you know what? His niece was Melissa Gilbert. Now that doesn't make too much sense. Granddaughter and niece. Yeah, that's... Yeah, Yeah. That's. That's.

Yeah. So I've worked with all those, you know, but he was considered, oh, Harry Crane said this and all that. But I don't really know much more about him. What did he write? A bridge for Jimmy about a boy who had his own suspension bridge. Deeds no. He wrote happy for 12 minutes. Right.

Where a guy gets a check and he's happy for the 12 right where a guy gets a check and he's happy for the 12 minutes it takes to go down to the bank and find out that it was just a big gag did anybody else

hear me and Harry Crane or just you I never met him oh you never met him I don't know why I'm the expert on Harry Crane you ever worked with Pat McCormick

no okay does that was he on the show disqualify me for something no we missed Pat oh he would have been great to have.

Who else is dead? Right, who else? Everybody's dead, Gil. Yeah. You're not looking that good. Do you remember the first time you guys did Dick and Stinky? How did that happen? Oh, wow.

I think it just kind of started when we'd be, like, at the thick of the night. We just started joking around. We'd be hanging out in the car or something. And the dressing room. But then we did it at the comedy, what was that? Comedy Relief. Comic Relief. We did.

We made our stage debut. Doing that material? Dick and Stinky. Wow. And we killed. Right? Right, Stinky? You remember that?

Hey, why don't you blow me? Oh, Stinky. Last time I got a sliver in my lip. Now, come on. I told you no dirt. We're on the air. Where have you been? I haven't seen you in a while. Stinky. Where have you been, Stinky? I haven't seen you in a while. Stinky, where have you been? Whereinky, I haven't seen you in a while Stinky, where have you been?

Where have you been? He's got it Never mind Anyway, Paul and I met in 1973 That's correct The year of turmoil And you brought Dave Thomas into catch Three or four That's right, in 73, 74

I was letting go to Radner's And you brought Dave Thomas into catch? Three or four. That's right. In 73, 74. I was subletting Gilda Radner's apartment, and she was about to start in a show that you eventually ended up in, but you were in the original company. The Lampoon Show. You replaced Harold Ramis in The Lampoon Show. Oliver Shulam, right? Belushi Oliver Shulam was in it. Bill Murray.

Bill and his brother Brian Doyle Murray. Yes. Gilda, the only girl. You went in as the improv. There was an improv spot where you took questions as a Maharishi. No, as Carlos Castaneda. Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

Carlos Castaneda. Brilliant every night. Anyway, there was a party where they were trying out some of the stuff for each other. I was there just because I was living there. You were there and you said, I got to go and do a set. I'll be right back. And I'm just new in New York, you know. I just moved to town.

And I say, I know a comic who leaves a party, goes to do a set at a club, a swinging hip club, then comes back, rejoins the party, which he did. So that was the night we met. That was your christening. That was the night, yeah. Is that your wife's shirt, or are you just... Is that your wife's shirt? It's my wife's pants. My wife's Spanx, actually,

if I'm going to be telling the incomplete truth. It's a lovely shirt, Tom. You know, you don't really know a woman until you've walked around in her Spanx. They look like those Mary Tyler Moore. All right. The Capri Pants. The ones that Rob Reiner grabbed onto.

That was my high school drama coach was Mr. Capri Pants. Really? And he'd say, bring it down to half and freeze it. I think he was talking about the show. Oh, or about lunch. Yeah. All right, so how did you meet the Bells, Tom? We know how Gilbert is called.

No. Chris Guest said – Chris Guest was – I've known Chris since we were teenagers and he's – about the same time you met him. 74. He says, you got to meet this guy, Richard Belzer. He's hilarious. And, you know, that sounded good. And then he brought me over to see you and – At Catch. and introduced people.

Funniest thing ever. Oh, I was at a catch. Yeah, that's where we met. The year was 1941. Yes. A date. Katie Kaiser was number one in the box. When I first met you, you just started doing an impression of me that you just saw.

It was like you were doing me. And I was so flattered. Oh, wow. Because Chris said, you've got to meet Tom Leopold. Oh. He's the funniest guy. And then he said,

to you, I was the funniest guy. And then we arm wrestled and it was a tie. Yeah. You had a hook, a comedic hook at that time that you let it go. Well, it was replaced by a bit.

What was my hook? The old hook. You were saying, well, you know, you didn't want to do it every night. Oh, yeah, right. Gilbert does the greatest impression of me. Yeah, yeah. Huh?

Yeah. Yeah. So, hey, why don't you go outside and practice falling down for a while, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. He's like a little parody bird. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Belzer like a little parody bird. Yeah, sure.

Belzer had a parakeet. We were at Howard Stern in the 80s, and I was listening to it the other day, and it was – you and I were on together, and for 40 minutes you were just making fun of me like, yeah, Reagan's going to – Yeah, that's great. Like just busting everything I ever said. Don't fucking patronize me, okay? And I didn't think you ever paid attention. You're right. I never thought he paid attention to my act.

Meanwhile, he's doing my – oh, speaking of act, guess who I bumped into last night – two nights ago? Yeah. Walking down the street. Jackie Mason? When his hair dyed orange. No. Oh, no. Have you had Jackie Mason?

Have you had Jackie Mason? We have not. I don't know. Oh, God. Let's look it up, Frank. How old is Jackie Mason? Walking down where the restaurant we used to go to, Fiorello's, and coming up the street, there's Jackie Mason. Is he by himself?

No, he's with this woman that's been with him. I guess it's his wife for like the last 7,000 years. Born 1931. He was born 31. So what does that make him? 87? 87. A couple of years ago, my wife went up to him and said that she's married to Gilbert

Gottfried. And he goes, I don't like that Gilbert Gottfried. He loused me. He loused me. What did you do to him, Gil? What does that mean? I think I was on the stern. You loused me. He loused me. What did you do to him, Gil? What does that mean? I think I was on the stern. You loused him?

And I think it was when he had said something on TV that they thought was racist. Yeah, he says Schwarzer or something. And I started doing like a really racist. As him? Yes. Jackie Mason. Maybe that's what bothered him. You loused him. You loused him.

You loused him. Just the fact that he listens to Howard. Can you picture Jackie Mason listening to Howard? That's an anomalous. I never had a word like that. You loused him. You loused him. Gilbert Cotford, you loused me, you son of a bitch.

I'll tell you another thing. I'm going to tell you the story that John Biner told me. John Biner was on Ed Sullivan. Oh, yeah. The night that Jackie Mason got in trouble for giving the finger. Remember that whole thing? Yeah, sure. What happened was the Bay City Rollers were the act and they were like the poor man's beast.

It was way before the Bay City Rollers were the act and they were like the poor man's beast. No. It was way before the Bay City Rollers. No, no. I'm telling you. Bay City Rollers were on Ed Sullivan and the audience was yelling and screaming and Jackie Mason comes out. And the audience is still kind of waiting for the Bay City Rollers to come back and he couldn't – he wasn't hitting with the audience. And after about four minutes, they finally settled – settled audience settled in and started laughing at him stage manager off uh off stage goes you got one minute and mason is like i got you got a finger for me i got a finger for you he never went like this which is a popular he He went like this. He went like this. Yeah. And. Big news.

It was huge news. Yeah. So after the show, Biner goes by Sullivan's dressing room office to hear, because he heard Jackie Mason was called into the office, right? And he hears, you motherfucker, you little shit. How dare you make that gesture on my show? I've got nuns and Cub Scouts watching this show, you cocksucker. How dare you, you little prick. Don't butt at me, you little Jew motherfucker.

I didn't say that. And Beiner was listening at the door and heard him say, you motherfucker, you little shit. So he was lousing him then. He was lousing him. Did he ever get invited back? Yeah. Well, the big myth is he did come back.

He did. But not for a long time. People don't remember that. He had to get beaten up by Frank Sinatra's guys first. Cute story. He was allowed back. You know that story? May I?

Please tell me. May I tell this story? I can always hear it again. Yes. Do we have to cut away and sell something? Do we have to cut away and sell something? What? Do we have to cut away and sell something? Yes.

Yeah. Hold that thought. We'll be right back. No. I think we're okay. Cute story. Cute. Jackie Mason is on stage, you know, in a big hotel in Miami.

And Frank comes in a little late with Mia Farrow to see Jackie. And they come in. Of course, everybody sees it's Frank and Mia. And Jackie meets Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. You know, she takes off her roller skates. He takes off his toupee. And he starts making fun of them. But just ridiculous.

You know, she's doing her homework and he wants to. And just joke after joke. Just the worst. The worst jokes you can. I mean, she's doing her homework and he wants to – And just joke after joke. Just the worst jokes you can – I mean funny but – Yeah, but man, please. OK. A day or two later, Jackie Mason is sitting in his car or a car and a guy comes over to the door and knocks on the window. Mason opens it up and this guy punched him in the face and he had had his hand wrapped in, like, you know, brass knuckles. Broke, like, 50 bones in Jackie Mason's face.

One punch. Because he said she takes off her roller skates. He takes off his weight. Wow. He's lucky he got off with that. Yeah. But this is the business we have chosen. Yeah.

We thought about having Mason in here, but I think Gilbert and I are afraid of him. Who are you? Jackie? Well, yeah. You might need security up here. You lost him. Of course I lost him. Oh, that's right.

You lost him. I can't have him. But how many years ago did she ask him about it? Oh, God. So maybe he forgot. He might have forgotten, Gilbert. So re-invite him. I forgot.

All right. Now she's angry. 10? 10? 10? 15. So now you've got that. 15 years ago. He must have forgotten him. I forgot. All right. Now she's angry. 10? 10? 15? 15 years ago. He must have forgotten. He totally forgot.

I'd like to find out how many bones were broken in his face. That's my question. And then I heard he described it, the punch, like he said it was very professionally done. Oh. Very professionally. Speaking of lousing, is Harry still mad at Gilbert, Paul? I can't speak for him.

I would never speak for him. For Harry? Oh God, no, he can't do that. Something as delicate as that. Why would he be mad at Gilbert? Why would he be mad at you? Because Gilbert wouldn't come down. Because I remember Paul used to one time say to me,

I am Harry, Harry Shearer hates you. But that wasn't the first you heard about him. Well, I think it was, I was like on, well, when I was on Saturday Night Live, the cast introduced themselves. Was he on then when you were on Saturday Night Live, the cast introduced themselves. Was he on then when you were on? No. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the story.

And we were all introducing ourselves. And Piscopo said, hi, I'm Joe Piscopo. I'm kind of the Dan Aykroyd. I'm Charlie Rocket. I'm kind of the Chevy Chase. Right. and I'm kind of the Chevy Chase. Right.

And I said, I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and I'm kind of a mixture of John Belushi and that guy who used to do the imitations who nobody remembers. You didn't say his name? No. He knew. May I ask? He knew.

Okay. So you asked him. You're not saying, I have a question. I have a question. Did you write that about him? No, no. Well, what do you mean, no? Who wrote it?

One of the writers. A writer on the show. So you were uttering, really, a written statement that had been written by somebody. Doing your job. Performing as an actor. I think you should bring me and Harry back together the same way Frank Sinatra. I think it was about time. Dean and Jack. I think it was about time. Dean and Jack.

I think it was about time. Harry, there's a gentleman here who loves what you do. Loves what you do. But how could he blame you? I'm sure he doesn't anymore. He may have had a momentary. You're painting Harry as a very bitter guy, Paul. I know, but he has, yeah.

That's not fair. Harry forgives and embraces. He embraces. And I'm sure there would be an embrace if I brought you guys together. Can we broker this piece? Because you did not write it. What if you had written? What would you have said about him?

Same thing. I would have gone on longer. No, you don't say that when you see it. Well, forget the reunion. There would be no reunion. You better rehearse if you're going to talk to Harry. Now it may hurt. And I love you before I may hear you now.

On camera. All right. The last time Rich was here on our podcast two years ago. Who's Rich? This is Rich. Richard Belzer. I do all right. He told arguably one of the funniest stories on this show.

Do you remember, Gilbert? Yes. About Liza? Oh, my God, yes. Liza in Germany? Oh. I think I knew. I don't know this. This is great.

Her husband told me this. Mark, what's his name? Mark Giro, the fine artist? The fine sculptor. I own a few of those, by the way. Many years ago. You have a few Giros? I have some Giros. You know the period when he was, like, in love? They first met. Before he realized. Giros? I have some Giros. You know the period when he was like in love? Oh, well, that was – They first met.

Before he realized. So it was a colorful period. Yeah. So Liza's on tour in Europe and she's got her band. And virtually every guy in the band is Jewish and they're in Germany and they're in the dressing room. And they started – the guys in the band start having – one of the guys says, you know, we're Jews and we're in Germany. Like how do you guys feel? They started talking about being a Jew in Germany and they're going on and on.

And all of a sudden, there's a knock at the door. And someone says, is there juice in there? and it's Liza's road manager wanted to see if there's any orange juice in the

band room no really I swear to god is there any juice in there there any juice in there? Any juice in there? I've never heard that. That's fantastic. That's fantastic.

True story. On that same episode, you told Richard the Ellie V. Sell story. Oh, yes. Which is also great. Yes. Tell these guys that. There's so many funny stories about Ellie. I was watching you talk about tasteless when people aren't trying to be tasteless.

Right. So Elie Wiesel, who, you know, his whole family died in the concentration camps. Yeah. And his career is writing, remembering the camps. So he was on some talk show with this host who's got a big smile on his face the whole time. And and he asked Elie Wiesel, he goes, if you could have any wish, what would it be? And Elie Wiesel says, you know, with tears in his eyes, he goes, I wish people would stop just standing by. He goes, the Holocaust occurred because people stood by.

Genocide goes on in this world because people stand by. And the host puts his hand on Elie Wiesabeth's knee and turns to the camera with a giant smile and we're gonna ask you to stay we're to ask you. That's beautiful. And now while Gilbert heads into the nutmeg kitchen to steal more Perrier, a word from our sponsor. Baseball is finally back. Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM,

the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Gambling problem?

Call ConX Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. At Miele, our partner is the planet. Our appliances use less water and energy

and are tested to last for 20 years of use. That's the ultimate form of sustainability. I'm Nelson Fresco, President of Miele Canada. From now until June 30th, every Mila dishwasher purchased supports

the planting and preservation of Canadian forests through the Mila Forest Initiative. Join us in making an impact today for a better tomorrow. Visit mila.ca to learn more. Gil and Frank went out to pee, now they're back so they can be on their amazing, colossal podcast. Podcast. Oh, and who were, like, when I was three years it. And I met you at Catch.

The people who are still playing there, like I remember Gabe Kaplan used to go on stage. He stole my material, yeah. And he became... Brenner. Brenner, yeah. Jimmy Walker. Pat Benatar.

Pat Benatar. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I went on tour with her. Yeah. Jimmy Walker. Pat Benatar. Pat Benatar. Yeah, I went on tour with her. Yeah. With her. And just to tie up the end of that, I saw in the motel – on the motel television the reunion when Frank brought Dean and Jerry together. I was on the road with Pat Benatar. Yeah.

OK. Yeah. I guess we all remember road with Pat Benatoni. Yeah, okay, yeah. I guess we all remember where we were when that happened. Yeah, it's like JFK or the moon landing. You know, it reminds me, though, Gil and Frank, about how much Tom and I were dying to get involved with roasts, Friars-style roasts. Yes. There was a tribute going to happen to Belzer in connection with a cable show he had made, I think.

And we heard it's going to be a roast. Well, Tom and I spent four or five days in my room, hotel room. I lived in a hotel at that, writing material for this. This is the town hall roast? No, this is a different one. Oh, before that one. This one was going to be really a PR thing for his show. 84, I think.

But David Steinberg, who had directed it, you know, this is not David Steinberg, the manager. David Steinberg, the comic and director, was going to be roastmaster. Well, David Steinberg showed up and took a look at the room and said, well, there's no dais. It's not set up for a roast. There's no mic, really.

There's no dais like the present. So let's just call it a toast roast. A toast roast. Yeah. Because there was a piano. And we'll just toast him and stuff. Well, Tom and I had written this material, and we decided to do it anyway. Not even Belzer was interested in it. Well, Tom and I had written this material and we decided to do it anyway.

Not even Belzer was interested in it. Well, I had that model. He had a seven-foot model. Yes, that he was coaching. So what? Why would he be interested? He was mentoring her in the ass, but he was mentoring her.

Anyway, do you want to hear just a few parts of how I could do it together? You do it with me. If I can remember. You'll remember. Sing with me. First of all, you know, he was into the Stones. You have to know that.

He loved, you know, and everybody knew Pat Benatar's financial status because of Rick Newman's managerial style. Oh, yeah, he was managing her. Open managerial style. So it starts,

please allow me. Well, there was also the big hit song Open managerial style. So it starts, please allow me. Well, there was also the big hit song that was out then. What was that? With that sunglasses. I wear my sunglasses at night. Ah, sunglasses, which he loved. I wear my sunglasses at night. It was so dark.

Please allow me to introduce. So it was kind of a parody of that musically. Please allow me to introduce to you a comedian's comedian. When we in the industry have a night off We go to see him And then from a quoting from People magazine, his cover story. He's conquered cancer, softened his approach.

He's conquered cancer, softened his approach. Something about Lenny, but like Lenny, but something needier, you know. Like Lenny, but needier. Yeah. Oliver Sholem. God bless you.

But he's strictly Belgique. Yeah, Marie Chevalier. How did we get into Pat Benatar's salary? Well, it gets to Rick Newman.

Rick Newman, cauterizing star. Yeah. Rick Newman, cauterizing star. Not you, Bells. Pat Benatar. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Too liquid. Boom, boom. Too invested. But you owe Harry $1,400. And Harry was there, right? Another whole story. He wears his... Bells wears his sunglasses at night.

So he can't. So he can't. So he can't. So he cannot. They said so he can. We said he can't. So he can't. So he cannot. They said so he can. We said he can't. So he can't. That was 24 years ago.

A time of turmoil. Must have been longer than that. In the 80s or the 90s? No, 30. 80s. 34 years. 83, 84. Wow.

84. People were still yelling at their maids. I remember the town hall roast at UMC. That's how long ago. Town hallC. That's how long ago. Town hall roast. That's how long ago. That was a real roast that I got to officiate at. And Tom wrote

not only my material, but many others. I remember you telling a joke that Alan King had a third degree burn on his hand from jerking off Topo Gijo. That wasn't mine. That was a joke that stayed with me. You must have read that. No, maybe, you know, it sounds

like the guy Rich Vosch. Yeah, Rich Vosch. Wasn't that the night of the famous Odetta joke? Yes, it was, yeah. Paul tells that story very well. And I remember at the Chippy Roast, you sang which one? We Couldn't get anybody to it.

Let's hear a few bars of that. That again, that's Tom, a beautiful Tom. You sang it, I can't remember. A poor lyric with Matt Robertson, a writer involved as well. Very good writer. Good writer, Matt. We, two nighters, Chevy's big night. We called his friends to invite them all to roast him and join us.

But nobody would. And then two chorus calls. Does he have a career? I thought he died last year. We couldn't get anybody good. Please welcome our roast master, Paul Schaefer. Tonight is a's big night. We called his friends to invite them all to join us at Roast Him, but none of them would.

Does he have a career? I thought he died last year. We couldn't get anybody good. It's a whole show of no shows, no glamour or glitz. Say the name Chevy Chase, and no one gives two shits. Sit on the days for Chase. I wouldn't sit on his face. That's why we couldn't get anybody good. But hey, I know what you're thinking. Who's Schaefer to talk? This guy got his job sucking Letterman's c**k.

He's a lucky piano player, a musical hack. Yeah, well, f**k you, f**k all of you. At least I'm earning a check. I'm serious. You're going to all go yourself. You're going to piss my shade bald ass. I got more money than everybody in this. What? What?

What? Take this. Here, drink this. You'll feel better. Really cloudy. Yeah. That's good. That's good.

Don't you love it? It's very good. Yes. Here's good. That's good. Yes. Sorry. The man's career is a disgrace. No one here knows Chevy Chase. And there's no reason that anyone should. But since you've readed your talks,

just accept this roast sucks and that we couldn't get anybody. We asked Will Ferrell. We couldn't get anybody. We asked Will Ferrell we couldn't get anybody. We scraped the barrel. Ah, we couldn't get anybody good.

He's Chevy Chase and you're not. Chevy, good night. I'm sorry, He's Chevy Chase and you're not Chevy Good night I'm sorry now Let's go That's basically it Except it went into a very sad Sinatra section in the middle

Where I threw a trench coat over my shoulder and sang Seriously How sad the day is How sad the day is How sad the day is You call this a show How can you roast a man Where no one will go Sit on the desk

How sad the day is How sad I know We had a lot of fun Oh boy And I remember like For like the big ending When you were singing

Do we have girls? We couldn't find anyone good Right A lot of fun. Oh, boy. And I remember, like, for, like, the big ending when you were singing. Do we have girls? We couldn't find anyone good. Right. You sang, we tried Will Ferrell. Oh, wow. I forgot. It was before he became huge. Yes.

We scraped the barrel. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. We did it again. Were you on that roast? The Chevy roast? I was there. I didn't think anything. Gilbert, were you on that roast, the Chevy roast? I was there. I didn't think I went on it. I don't remember if you got up.

I don't remember if you got up. It was a very, very peculiar night. Well, Chevy would have been here. But he had. Today, he had to pull out last night. We were hoping to bring him here as a surprise. Okay. Well, we've got in trouble calling him on the other one.

Oh, yeah, you did that one, sir. I did that one. I did love the Belzer joke about Freddie Roman. I think that was my favorite Roach joke in a long time. Oh, Freddie Roman, yeah. Jack Ruby had a longer television career than me. Ladies and gentlemen. Well, I want to cite a joke that I spoke of Freddie Roman.

This one written by a gentleman whose name doesn't come to mind. Larry Amoros. Larry Amoros. Larry Amoros. Who said, we first heard of Freddie Roman when he and Icarus flew too close to the sun. I did another joke about him. I said, I don't want to say Freddie's ill, but he used to be known as Freddy the Roman. The Roman.

Yes. You also said, what would a roast be without Freddy Roman? Yes. I'll tell you one thing. Televised. Oh, televised. That's, yeah. That's very bad.

Televised. There's your joke. That was the Odetta night. Tom, do you have anything you want to say about George Mahara's turning 90? Because that would make it worse. Are you kidding? I wanted to ask. Yeah, he's going to be 90 in

September. Beautiful. So he's got a few months to kind of still be a kid. He's going to be 90 and I just thought I'd go around the room and everybody just say what they feel about George Mahara's turning 90, Gil. First, let's tell the story. Oh, it's such a long story.

Which one? He was like a heartthrob. Yeah, of course. Oh, that story such a long story. Which one? He was like a heartthrob. Yeah, of course. Oh, that story, not our story. Yeah, like Route 66. Oh, he was huge. And a recording star, everything. So all the women were crazy about him.

And then tragedy struck. Well, it struck in a men's room on Route 12 when George was standing in a bag next to Perfecto. Are you talking about George Maharis? Yeah. Or George Sicaris. No. George Maharis. Okay.

Now, that's a whole other. Who was standing in the bag? Route 66. Well, that's the great unknown question. So what would you say? What happened to George Maharis? See, this is the great unknown question. So what will you say? What happened to George Maharas? See, this is the alcoholics that said who was in the bag. Yeah.

No, in this case, there was somebody actually in a bag. Because among gay guys going into the men's room stall, they'll sometimes bring a bag with them. Big shopping bag. Where one of them stands inside the bag so you don't know there are two guys there. The guy can pleasure them. Oh my God.

I never heard that. It's a guy who's gone shopping. Yeah. It's just a guy who likes to shop. Yeah, not a big... Tom is an expert on this. I never heard this. Tom's been talking about this

for 30 years. It's called a tea room. Yes. Yes. Yes. George Maharis was shopping one day. Was having assignations. The thing is, to be fair, he was actually shopping that day. But that has nothing to do with it.

Coincidentally. That's just a happy accident. Lucky coincidence. Yeah, it's a happy accident. So tell the story, Gil. And he was having some romantic interludes with Perfecto Tellez. What's that guy's name? Yeah. Hairdresser from Los Angeles.

That's how they describe him, a hairdresser from Los Angeles. Is he with us still, Perfecto? I don't know. We don't know. I can answer. That's how they describe him. Is he with us still, Perfecto? I don't know. We don't know. I can answer. He's not. Perfecto is not. You know that?

Yes, it's on the internet. Perfecto died. There's two Perfecto Tellez's on the internet. There is. There's an old one. There's a guy that was born in the 1800s. There was a guy who stood in a bag in 1808. There was a guy who liked to be in a bag.

It was a burlap bag in those days. And it wasn't really a men's room. It was more like where the horses were put in. Yeah, an outhouse. It was a stable. Burlap. Yeah. And then there was Perfecto Telly's

The Ventriloquist from the Ed Sullivan Show. Yes. And Perfecto Telly's. That's who George Maharis was banging? No, no, no. You're thinking, no. And you know what? So often people confuse George...

You like candy? I like candy. Yes. You're never confused. What's that in your mouth? Yes. George Stikidis. No, that's...

You want the dick in your mouth? Yeah, senior Wences. I want the dick in my mouth. Senior Wences. Senior Wences. What do you think? In the box, that's insane. Because this is a show for the kids. Yeah. That's why I love it. It's a show for the kids. Let's get into some heavy senior Wences. What do you think? In the box, that's insane. Because this is a show for the kids.

That's why we love it. Let's get into some heavy Senior Wences material now. To stay contemporary. He was 102. He died when he was 102. Yeah, 102. Yeah. 102.

Yeah, but he could still play 101. They changed the name of the 54th Street by the Sullivan Theater to the Senior Wences Way, 54th. Yes, that's right. Senior Wences Way. Talk about how we went to Danny Aiello's club in Newark, and the lady

there and her act. We have a sex sense about things like that. We heard that Danny Aiello now had a club, a comedy club above an Italian restaurant. We tried to call you guys, but we were there. Yes. And what are you going for? It was above an Italian restaurant.

The woman who had who bought from the estate. You're going to have to tell us. Well, correct. This woman was on the bill. He had a number of acts. Right. Yeah. This was the opening act.

This was great. A woman. And what? And she was a ventriloquist or so, and she had purchased the act from the senior Wenceslas estate. The senior Wenceslas estate. Unbelievable. But she wasn't allowed. There was one, she couldn't put her.

Couldn't do the finger thing. She did the finger thing, which was weird because the little face had long painted nails. Right. No, it's not as good. And the face, that was weird. But she couldn't do the box. She couldn't do the box. Why not?

It's all right. It's all right. Why not? Why not? It was a codicil. She couldn't do the box. He's going to come from the grave and do the box. And all the children would lose their inheritance if they ever used the box.

The box. There was a codicil in the well. But the thing about it was she starts to do this thing and so she drops. So all she had was the little body of the hand guy, right? And the long nails curling around so it looked like a big red octopus

strangling the face of the guy. Strangling her own face. Whatever the hell. She kept dropping the entire. She had a whole big table and she dropped the whole table over. Well, also on the bill. Yes. One of the, you know, I'm sure maybe for the last time.

Alto and Mantia. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. The Untouchables. Doing the exact same act. They were called the Untouchables. Oh, there was two after the Untouchables. Marvin Braverman was the third guy.

One of them always sang opera. That was Marvin. Every sketch was devised so that Buddy Mentee would get to sing opera while the other guy was giving him a haircut or something. So we could show off his voice. Show off his voice. So these guys are there hanging out and Tom and I are sitting in our chairs. And Barbara Felden was there for some reason. No, no, no.

It doesn't matter who she is. But it's okay. They've been together for years. Well, isn't it a secret? I thought it was a big secret. You don't tell. No, you don't tell. Sorry.

We can't say who Barbara Felton was. You can say who Barbara Felton was. She was 99. Yeah, 99. She was on... And I'll tell Matt TR there, sitting down at our table, and I said, are you guys going to go on?

Well, we may do something, a little something. Look up on the stage. They've got huge props, like illusions. Not kidding, illusions. Doors. Yeah, we may do something, a little something. Look up on the stage. They've got huge props, like illusions. Not kidding, illusions. It's like David Copperfield's Florida Room. And a Liberty Bell.

You know, we may do a few things. Then they go into their act. They're usually like, hello. They do 20, 25 minutes. It was like, you know, it was like Schuster and Wayne and Schuster, but not in the nearest funny. But, I mean, an act like that was so old-fashioned. They were good, though, in the 70s. Old-fashioned. They were funny, but they were very old-fashioned.

They were very old, but now it would be perfect timing for them. Very well rehearsed, though. Yeah, well, they did the same thing for 25 years. Don't you think they were funny, Gilbert? Yeah, but they were funny. They were funny. Yeah, they were funny. They weren't touchable. No, they were funny, Gilbert? They were funny. They were funny. Yeah, they were funny. They were very funny.

They were very – no, don't do that to me. Paul, I believe we were talking about Buddy Manchia just last week. Don't think. Yeah. Were you and I talking about it? Hey, you know, I remember something about Richard. I think maybe you were going to a new analyst at the time. I only had –well, go ahead.

But every time, for a slight time period there, I guess you were going to a psychiatrist or whatever, and this is where you learn this lesson. What? situation and you'd yell and then you'd turn to the person who was there in the room and go, I'm not angry at you. Yeah. That's right. That's right. Yeah. I remember it.

I learned it. I'm not angry at you. Yeah, I learned that from the bells. I was at his feet. I learned it like a guru and a student wrote it down. I now say it myself. What a memory. Yeah.

No, after scaring the shit out of the person. No, I'm not angry at you. I'm not angry at you. Did Jagger ever comment on the impression, Richard? He saw me at the bottom line. He answers, just pinching my entertainment side. Married to our mom. Jagger.

Mick saw me at the bottom line. And, of course, you were famous for your Jagger. Oh, yes. Yeah, kind of. Legendary. And he was in the audience. I didn't know he was in the audience. So after my set, Alan Pepper, the owner of the bottom line, came back to my jersey room.

He said, Mick Jagger is in the audience. Oh, shit. He said, no, no, he wants you to come to his table. So I went and I sat with him for the rest of the show. And he was, you know, he said, I won't, you know, Little Richard taught me all about the element of danger. That's where I learned all the leaping about the stage. And you remind me of the element of danger.

Well, how about that? That's a pretty good comment. Yeah, you're not of the element of danger. Well, how about that? That's a pretty good compliment. Yeah, you can't get any better. Yeah, but he was saying, he was copying to the fact that he was doing a little, kind of doing a little Richard. Yeah. You know, which I thought was nice of him to be modest like that.

But I was very flattered. Flattering? I saw you do something at the seaport at Caroline's and you had a plant in the audience. Do you remember doing this? It was Alan Abel? Yes. Yes.

The famous prankster? Yeah. It was a great bit. He pretended that he was a doctor who was transplanting like animal parts. Yes. And it was just – Yeah, he'd go on TV doing that kind of stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. He's around still. I did 20 minutes with him one night and the whole audience thought he was the real guy. And you know who was in the audience that night? Danny Aiello because, Richie, was that real? Was that real? Tell them about Danny Aiello when we came out of his club. Alan A.

And how we had to sit in this car and everything. Well, that was a wonderful experience. And then that huge truck came with a video on it of Danny Aiello's music video. Meanwhile, back at his club in Hoboken, he said, I've been doing working with a rapper. Danny Aiello. Working with a rapper. Danny Aiello. And, you know, we've got a record coming out on an album, the two of us.

I sing, he raps, you know. And the next thing you know, he says, come out on the street. I want to show you something. And he has arranged for a truck which shows a video on a huge screen on the side for advertising. It drives around town. This truck has pulled up and it's showing this video with the rapper. And who should be walking down the street

out in Hoboken? The rapper himself, he's there. Live, happened to be there. All these people converged. And it was a... It was a god wink. Not a bad piece of material. But wasn't there a...

Well, no, I was just... I guess that's it. I guess there really was no blow, but I wanted to see you die with it, not me. Thank you. Wow. That's amazing. I'm going to be completely honest.

That's cool. That's what this is about. I want to hear... That's what this is all about. I want to hear the story that when Aiello was working with Pacino, wasn't Diana Aiello had a big movie role? Oh, no, no.

Paul Newman. What was he in with? He was in Fort Apache. Yeah. Rattled him a little or something. Yeah. I'm walking down the street, my street, 77th. And I see Diana Aiello walking the other way.

And it's one of those things where I know he saw me, but he pretended not to see me. Keep that in mind. So I keep walking towards him. And he's by this stoop. This is a story your fans will love. Yes. This is pure Gilbert Gottfried podcast. Isn't it?

You don't even have to go on. It's already a classic. So he's standing by this stoop and there's like, you know, a cement post there. And he puts his head down and he's pounding on it. I'm supposed to believe he's by himself, right? And I go, Danny, Danny. And he pretends like, oh, Richie. And I said, what is it?

You don't know what it's like starring with Paul Newman in a movie, in a movie. Oh, my goodness. What? What? You don't know, Richie, you don't know what it's like starring in a movie with Paul Newman. What is he implying?

That the man doesn't know how to work. I don't know what it's like. Whatever, it's just it's about. Whatever. It's just process. Just. Whatever is process. I was like, even then I was flabbergasted. That reminds me.

One more for your fans. Go ahead. Another Danny Aiello story. Please. I'm sure you're going to cut all this out. He's been on this show. Oh, he has. Yeah.

Perfect. So one day, I'm at Cafe Central. Okay. With, I forget, Ove Leo. Central. Okay. With, I forget, Ovalio. And we're sitting there and Danny Ayala walks in and these guys that I was

sitting with say to Danny, Danny, and he comes over, you know, hi, everything. And the guy goes, Danny, I've never seen you so heavy. So Danny says, yeah, I've never been this happy in my life. He didn't hear the word happy yeah I'm very happy no no Danny it looks like you you put on weight oh I'm so happy he just

refused he refused to admit that he was heavy so he kept saying and the guy kept saying yeah but if he doesn't pretend not to hear it he isn't fat and and twice I've heard people refer to Danny Aiello as Danny Aigo. Yes. Yeah. I've heard that. He was one of our funnier guests. He was. I have to say.

He brought it. We have an interesting story about that. He can be very charming. Danny Aigo. We had a wonderful evening in the theater. Well. Oh, we were. Well, I think we were privy to a.

We were privy to a wonderful backstage rehearsal. Danny working out a play that he was working on. It seems so dissipated. I don't want to give it away, though. Oh, no. Yes, it was. But he was in rehearsal clothes. He was in rehearsal clothes.

Sweats, towel around his neck, and he had a pianist, and he was just working it out, working out the songs. Yes, a wonderful. That's all. I don't think it's. He went to the studio, right? Yes. Yes, working out the songs. A wonderful... That's all. He went to the studio, right? We were invited. Carnegie Hall, by the way. Seriously. I don't know.

You're going to give away... What if he sells it and you give away the key elements of the thing? You mean someone beats him to this story? Yeah. It's a musical. Go ahead. They'll probably have suspected by now that it's a musical. Go ahead. Well, I mean, they'll probably have suspected by now

that it's a show about Al Capone. Musical about Al Capone. Musical about Al Capone. And the act break, this show-stopping number at the end of the first act. Syphilis.

I've got syphilis. I swear. Yeah. Right? And it's only me. Syphilis. Syphilis. I can't piss. I can't piss. That's one me syphilis syphilis I can't piss

I can't piss that's one of the lyrics and he's doing it about six inches from Paul's face and he's got his hands on Paul's knees and it's just me and him

the piano player and Jerry Foley who invited us from the director of the Letterman Show and it was an hour and a half of not 90 minutes

of not trying not we didn't have to try not to laugh because it was so scary. If we had laughed Danny might have killed us or something. I really felt physically hurt. It was an honor to be there. It was a great honor to be there.

There's no way we're not. What did you do to Jackie Mason again? I didn't mean to louse Danny. We're not lousing him by any means. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast after this. That's the sound of fried chicken with a spicy history. Thornton Prince was a ladies' man.

To get revenge, his girlfriend hid spices in his fried chicken. He loved it so much, he opened Prince's Hot Chicken. Hot chicken in the window. This is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell. To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com.

Tennessee sounds perfect. You little prick. Can I do my little thing that the young people seem to love? Please. What are you laughing at? How dare you? Gallagher 2? Well, I could talk about Gallagher 2.

Have I ever talked about Gallagher 2? Gallagher 2 is fascinating. Did you see the documentary about Gallagher and Gallagher 2? No. No, we have to see it now. I could tell you a little bit about it. Please do. Yeah. I'm hooked already.

I'm just going to do this. The good thing is that Sullivan doesn't have a show now because there's certain stars with names that would, you know, he had trouble with his neck, Ed Sullivan. So if he had to say the names of some of the current stars, you know, like, ladies and gentlemen, right now, Shakira. Shakira. Burn his neck, yeah. With these modern names.

Oh, with these names. Anyway. I wish the podcast were visual. Yeah. Have we started recording? Would have played better. Have we started recording? Yeah, we're on.

We are recording. Soon, soon. Oh, wait. What was the thing about? Well, Gallagher. Oh, Gallagher. One night, about two in the morning, I just had terrible insomnia. You guys have probably read about it.

And I'm up and I turn on one of those things, one of those documentaries on like – it was about Gallagher. It was someone on this channel. They'd always have those things when we could be – Chris Farley, ODs. True Hollywood story. True Hollywood story. Exactly. For those of you who don't know, Gallagher was. Oh. And is. And is.

A fine comedian where he would hit. It's a prop comic. From San Francisco. And the first couple of rows of an audience had to have a big tarp over it because he would, you know, which is very much like Liza's audience. He smashed the water. But he would hit a watermelon with a sledgehammer. That was his finish. That was his big close.

Right. Smashing the watermelon. Why didn't we think of that? And he'd take the winner off because he couldn't get any watermel clothes. Right. Smashing the watermelon. Why didn't we think of that? And he takes the winner off because he couldn't get any watermelons. So what happened? So I'm watching it. So I'm thinking, I'm totally being sucked in by Gallagher and how it started and how he kind of built himself from nothing. And he had a twin brother.

Well, that's what I'm getting at. That's where he's going. Then it's all kind of nice. And about halfway through the documentary, and he starts to get bigger and bigger clubs. Halfway through the documentary, they go, at the end of the, just before the documentary, they go, and then Gallagher had a stroke. And that was, they go out, right? That's the teaser. Yeah.

You know I can't go to bed now. Gallagher's had a stroke. You know? No, but nobody's getting me into that bedroom. You know, wild animals. Listen. Okay. So it comes back.

A terrific cliffhanger. Oh, talk about a cliffhanger. And so it comes back and turns out Gallagher had a stroke during, you know, hitting one of the watermelons. An extra hard watermelon. Actually wielding the sledgehammer. had a stroke during hitting one of the water mounds. Actually wielding the sledgehammer. Yes, he actually did wielding the sledgehammer. He had the stroke while he was on stage.

Talk about comedy. Yes, sir. But talk about being covered as part of your coverage. Yeah, you're going to get workman's comp. It was a work injury. It was a work comp. Workman's comp, for sure. So anyway, while he has the stroke, unbeknownst to Gallagher, his brother, whatever his real name was, was touring the country without Gallagher's knowing it, doing – who looked exactly like him, the same bald hair, the same kind of stringy bald hair. Yeah.

Looked exactly like – as Gallagher, too. But the audience didn't know. But it was like – Rob and Norma. You know, that kind of two. And Gallagher, too. But the audience didn't know. But it was like, aye, aye, you know, that kind of thing. And Gallagher didn't know. And so Gallagher started – but he passed himself off as Gallagher. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he started getting calls from venues saying, you know, hey, man, your brother is doing your entire acting. And that didn't help the – I think he got the stroke after that actually. You're right. And if I'm – It's better if it happened while smashing a watermelon. It is. No, he did. But it was after. It was after, unfortunately.

No, but still while smashing. Still good, though. He still had the stroke, and that's the important thing. Go ahead, Tom. Yeah. So then he finds out his brother's doing his act, and he gets an injunction against his brother, Gallagher 2. Gallagher 1 gets an injunction against Gallagher 2, the brother.

And the thing that gave him the stroke was Gallagher and Gallagher 2's parents sided with Gallagher 2. And I think there's a moral in that. And then I think that was – It's biblical. It is. It's a Cain and Abel – it's a Cain and Abel Gallagher 2. It's a Cain and Gallagher. It's a Cain and Gallagher.

And I think there was a big legal thing there. Huge, huge. An agreement that they came to that Gallagher 2 would have to be called Gallagher 2. So it wouldn't be Gallagher. He was passing himself off as Gallagher. And that he wouldn't be allowed to smash the watermelons. Oh! Same thing.

So Gallagher is the same as the senior Wences. He couldn't get the box. It's the senior Wences clause. Went out. Good old senior Wences clause. He ignored that and went out as Gallagher. He did it anyway.

And people even, you know, the people booking him knew he wasn't Gallagher. He ignored him. But they said, hey, you know, Gallagher costs so much more money. Yeah. And he's still the same act. And he's so much cheaper. Same act. And he started, he smashed watermelon. He did. Oh so much cheaper. Same act. And he smashed watermelon.

He did. Oh, my God. He did the watermelon. He ignored it. He had to. He had to do the watermelon. How could he do it and not do the watermelon? He's still around.

Still working. Gallagher 2? Yeah. I don't know about Gallagher 2. Gallagher's still out there. But how about your folks? How about, first of all. Yeah, his parents were on the brother's side.

They went aside with Gallagher 2. Yeah, that hurts. Very horrible brother's side. They went to side with Gallagher, too. Yeah, that hurts. Very horrible. That's got to hurt. Well, Gallagher must be such a loser. You know, the same thing happened... They toured without Jeff Lynne. They had to call themselves the LO2.

Do you remember that? I see. Yeah. Well, look at Styx. I mean, that's not even... Something like that. I got a wild card question for the Bells. Richard, did you audition to play Groucho in a Broadway musical?

Yes. It was My Fair Lady, unfortunately. My mistake. My mistake. Did you know that? No, I never heard that. And you learned two songs? You taught yourself two?

I sang two songs. They said I held the sides very well. You held the sides very well? That's great. Day in Hollywood, night in the Ukraine? That's right. But I didn't get it. But I sang for like one of the first times. What did you sing?

Tonight you're mine completely. Paul? See, we had a keyboard here, pocket plate. You give your love. As Groucho. No, they wanted to hear my voice. Oh, they wanted you to do a song. Yeah.

No, they knew I could do Groucho. I mean, come on. But. So George Chakiris. That's going back. Oh, they wanted you to do a song. Yeah. No, they knew I could do Groucho, I mean. I mean, come on. But. So, George Chakiris. That's going back. Oh, the trivia. Yeah. I once auditioned, and this was somebody getting back to the Untouchables.

Yes. Said that Gabe Kaplan is going to be playing Groucho. Oh, yeah. I remember that. And it'll definitely move to Broadway. It'll definitely be a major hit. And it'll definitely be a TV special. Ultimately, that's the goal.

Yeah. So he goes, so, you know, you should fly yourself out. And I actually did. Right. In those days, we didn't know any better. And I auditioned as Chico to his groucho. Oh, this is great. Never told me this. And I remember I said to him, I said, why doesn't he just get Robert Hedges? Because Robert Hedges was just doing Chico in that he was always like Cotter.

Yeah. Hey, Mr. Cotter. All all right that's right and and he laughed at me like what a stupid thing that was to say and then uh the thing it they announce it's uh on uh stage show and as chico robert hedges may rest. Yes. Ah, so you got him a job. Yeah. How about that? That was pretty good. That's one of the rare times I've heard you be magnanimous. It's the worst one of the rare times I've heard you be innocent.

I love when they were doing the In Memoriam at the Emmys. In Kaplan's career? At the Emmys, they were doing In Memoriam. And they had in one clip, like they saved time, in one clip from Welcome Back, Carter, Robert Hedges and Horschak. They're both dead? Yeah, they both died that year. Yeah. So they saved time. I worked with Horschak. They died a few months in more. Oh, they both died that year. So they saved that.

I worked at Parshak. They died a few months in Parshak. Oh, they put them together. Yes. It was a suicide pact. They saved a little time. What an insult. And the memorial package.

They died a few months apart. Do you know that I once auditioned for Vivian Vance? You did? Yes, I did. Do tell. I know you auditioned to be Fonzie. I did. I was in the final callbacks to be Fonzie.

Wow. You and Mickey Dolenz. Well, he wasn't there when I was there. You could have been. All right, here's the... A. I couldn't do the A. The guy.

No, but Henry was great. Henry Winslow. Can you do some Fonzie for us? I don't... You know, I prepared and... But you know, once I leave a character, Gil, I don't look back. I do take it home with me, but I also take the wardrobe home with me. I see.

Richard has a story. Can I just say one thing before you do your story? Is it hot in here for anybody? It's always hot in here. Because I see a fireman's going to break this glass to save the dog. It's not just you. It's like dogs in the car. We'll wrap in about ten minutes.

Do you remember when you auditioned for the Affleck commercial? Oh, yeah. Do you remember? Do you know who went in ahead of you? Oh, who? Wow. You went in before Gilbert to audition for the Affleck. And I was doing Affleck, Affleck.

Yeah. You know, I was doing this weird. And then I think. And you got it. I think Soupy Sales auditioned for it. Milton Hines. Yeah, Milton Hines. Mimi Hines.

Then that's his real name. Hines and Hines. Milton Hines and Soupy Sales. No, but you came in after me. Yeah. I was mistaken for Soupy Sales today. No way. You were not.

What about me? By a cab driver. Hey, are you Soupy Sales? No. Yeah. To you? I think he died, I said. To the cab driver? Hey, are you Soupy Sale? No. Yeah. To you? I think he died, I said. To the cab driver?

Yeah, I said to the cab driver. No, Soupy died. And I remember. Did he tear up a little bit when you told him that? We lost Soupy. I was kind of regular on one show you were doing. Was it on Showtime or something? Me? Yeah. What? You were playing yourself was it on Showtime or something? Me? Yeah.

You were playing yourself, of course. Cinemax, you were on that show. Yeah, Cinemax. Well, you were on it. You were the bartender. Yeah, I was the bartender. Oh, I was in that, too. And David Steinberg used to direct that.

That's right. 1985. That's right. You were great. You did your act. You were the bartender. Yeah. It's called, I don't know where you can get it these days. Tom, you were involved in it. Oh, that's right. You were great. You did your act. You were the bartender. Yeah. Yeah. It's called, I don't know where you can get it these days.

Tom, you were involved. Oh, that's right. I've seen that. Played my manager. What was the name of it? I played Richard Belzer's show. Tom was my manager. Yeah, I've seen it.

Were you on that show? No, I hung out. And you weren't contracted? Billy Crystal and Cash. Yeah. Paul was too big even then. He was too big even then and one time I remember they had me the plot was that I was masquerading

as Mick Jagger yeah yeah yeah like a hat on it was six shows and we were already out of stories what about Viva Shea Vegas can anybody get their hands on that

there's a VHS? Yes, it is. It is out again. It was something that Tom and I and Harry made in 86 or something. Tom forced me to watch it in his basement. Well, I hope it was worthwhile. That's where it was shot. It's a conceptual thing that the three of us made for Cinemax back in the 80s.

It's a conceptual thing that the three of us made for Cinemax back in the 80s. Now that I played Las Vegas over Christmas, New Year's, the lounge at Caesars. And in honor of that, I had a merch table and I had some T-shirts made and I had some DVDs printed up. So it's back. You can now get Viva Che Vegas. You have to go. I have a website. Will you get it on the website?

For all the merchandise that didn't sell. Great. So you can get all those leftovers. And Gene Pitney's in it. That's right. Oh, Gene Pitney sang the theme song. And, Bells, tell us about the Jerry book. When can we expect it? Oh, it's virtually done.

So hopefully by Christmas. Okay. We'll have – you know, before Christmas, it will be out. Of course it was – the writing was interrupted as you may suspect. Yes. But most of it is done. I'd say 90 percent of it. And how did you become friends with Jerry?

He – I interviewed him in Montreal at the Montreal Film Festival in 1985 or something. And we had a great time. And then he called me years later to say that he had been watching me on television. He was proud of me and he remembered the interview. Anyway, so I immediately flew out to Vegas. And then a week later I called Paul, and I said, what? We can have dinner with Jerry if we just fly ourselves out to Vegas, which we did. I've seen the picture.

Yeah. It's great. There was one more guy there, Max Alexander. Oh, Max Alexander. Remember him? Oh, yes. Yeah. He passed on, didn't he?

Yeah, he did. Funny guy. He did. Recently, yes. He passed on, didn't he? Yeah, he did. Funny guy. He did. Recently, in the last couple of years. So since then, I started working with him on, he was going to do a musical, The Nutty Professor. And I worked on him for a while with that. And then somebody else took over. But we became very close.

And we were so close, too bad they don't have a camera, but I have his tattoo. You showed us. I have a classic caricature of Jerry. He's showing it right now for those of you at home. He's taking off his jacket. He's showing us a tattoo.

You have a tattoo of Jerry Lewis. Realistic, on your arm. Based on his logo from the D&J show. The classic logo. His caricature. Are you any cooler now you've taken off your jacket? No, but I'm reminded of Jerry. You take your, you know, beekeeper suit off. We're almost done, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just wanted your last No, but he kind of adopted me and you know, when I was a little kid in school they used to say, call me Jerry Lewis because I look just like him. And I would do Jerry Lewis bits to keep my mother from hitting me. I told Jerry that. I said, you saved me a lot of ass-kicking.

So he's a big part of my life. And then to meet him and work with him is beyond – it's like when you guys met Anthony Newley. I imagine it was the same. Exactly. I thought it was the same. Yeah, exactly. Bertano was B. Benederit. To me, it was Martin Milner, actually. Maybe you could close Richard with a Rodney Dangerfield delay. Well, everybody's got their favorite

Rodney stories, but he said Give me advice. What's life? Yeah, you know, what's life? You know, and he said, first of all, he's in his bathrobe and his dresser with no underwear on. I want to remember that when I want to stop myself from ejaculating. Yeah, picture that. Like now.

He said, what is life, Richard? You know, you get high, you write a few jokes, you keep the goyim from chasing you, you know? That's profound. Keep the goyim from chasing you. That's profound. I understood the first two. Man, that's the over-the-top philosophy. The butt's getting high in writing, I understood.

And get a bathrobe with your balls. Yeah. Guys, this was great. It's wonderful. I hope you can use some of it. We'll use some of it. Yeah. About ten minutes of it.

Goober is like a Dorothy Parker type of character now with a round table. And Wits, famous Wits of the era, sit around. It's his Benchley phase. Tell Marvel stories. Of his career. So this has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre and our guests this episode have been Richard Belzer, Paul Schaefer,

and Tom Leopold. Hey now. So much for the writing. Thank you boys. We've come to find you guys. Yeah, when? Tomorrow? No, no, no. I'm up early. I'm a skinny Jew under the view from Minnesota.

They had a quarter. Came to the big city, dreamed I was Walter Mitty. Wrote folk songs that I thought were witty. Someone said I'd be the next big thing till they heard me sing. But it was too late to change their minds. Because the contracts were already signed Had a few hits, lived by my wits at the Chelsea Hotel But then I fell off a motorbike

But I didn't like being out of work So I came back and sang with a country twang Lay, lay, lay Got some airplay Had to change my voice, didn't have no choice Had to make the payments I'm a new Rolls Royce But I'm a skinny Jew, one of the few from me

That's what I love Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast is produced by Dara Gottfried and Frank Santapadre with audio production by Frank Verderosa. Web and social media is handled by Mike McPadden, Greg Pair, and John Bradley-Steeles. Special audio contributions by John Beach. Special thanks to Paul Rayburn, John Murray, John Fodiatis, and Nutmeg Creative.

Especially Sam Giovonco and Daniel Farrell for their assistance.