Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 239. Christmas Spectacular with Mario Cantone

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

Gilbert and Frank celebrate the holidays (once again) with actor-comedian Mario Cantone, who weighs in on a stocking full of essential topics, including the fearlessness of Mae West, the tortured genius of Judy Garland, the most unappreciated Rankin-Bass special and the recent "Rudolph" and "Baby, it's Cold Outside" controversies. Also, Leslie Nielsen tackles Mr. Magoo, Shelley Winters scales a Christmas tree, Marlon Brando hops a ride with Michael Jackson and Frosty pals around with John McGiver. PLUS: The Walt Disney of Christmas! Munchkins gone wild! Deconstructing "Moonstruck"! Gilbert remembers his favorite holiday toy! And Mario picks the worst Christmas song of all time! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com. Tennessee sounds perfect. The following program is brought to you in living color on NBC. It's the Gilbert Gottfried Amazing Colossal Christmas Special. Join Gilbert and his special guests, Carol Channing, Hervé Villachez, Charles Nelson Riley Post-stroke Betty Davis

With Frank Santopadre and the Seth Saltzman Orchestra And special guest star Mario Cantone Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and our engineer, Frank Furtarosa. Well, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, and the man you've waited for all year long, no, not that fat-hacked Santa Claus, is back with us by popular demand. And boy, do we mean popular demand.

Is it that popular? Yes. Is it really? Yes, it is. I like hearing that. If it wasn't popular, I hope you'd have me anyway. Let him get through this. I never let him get through.

He's a Tony nominated actor. I am. Yeah, that means you're heterosexual. Yeah, that's exactly what it means. All Tony nominees are heterosexual. Yes, yes. They don't like the gays, Broadway. Yes, you're a total pussy. You know it.

That's the way to get pussy, is by going to the Tony Awards. I've been lying my whole life just to get laid, just to get pussy. I'm like, I'm gay. No, we want you. I can't do it. I don't think I'll be able to get it up. And then swing, swing, it goes up, it goes in the vag, and I get it do it. I don't think I'll be able to get it up. And then swing, swing. It goes up. It goes in the vag. And I get it.

Okay. He's a stand-up comedian. Well, barely at this point. A recovered kiddie show host. A pop culture historian. A gourmet baker. And one of the world's funniest, most versatile entertainers. Yes.

I am versatile. Alive or dead. Alive or dead. Oh, God. Yes. Yes. You've seen him in nightclubs, on a Broadway, in an off-Broadway stage, in dozens of television shows and popular feature films.

You may have heard him on this very podcast. Yes, you did if you're listening. A holiday fixture, one of our most requested and beloved guests. Here he is, folks, straight from his command private performance

for Les Moonves. They canceled my show because I wouldn't suck his dick. You wouldn't suck someone's dick? Not Les Moonves. What do you think, homos? Just suck any dick, Gilbert? I wouldn't suck your dick, so go fuck yourself.

You're starting this off really nicely, you piece of shit, you Christmas fucking elf. Our very own elf on the shelf, Mario Cantone. I am an elf on the shelf. Welcome. I apologize already for being rude to you and verbally and slightly sexually abusing you just now. You wouldn't suck my dick? No, I wouldn't suck your dick. I wouldn't suck anybody in this room's dick.

I love you all, but I'm not going to do it. Why? Because I married Gilbert Gottfried. Hold on. I hate to interrupt this, but this was going to happen later. So you're one of those queers who's loyal. Gilbert, let me- I am loyal.

I am loyal to the bone. See, I always thought with the fags, they'll fuck anything. Gilbert- No, that's not true. We are more discerning than you fucking heterosexual piece of shit. You will fuck anything with a slit.

And I don't mean just on a woman. I mean anything. I mean, see that? You see that wall right there, that soundboard that's put together in three pieces? You take that second and third piece, pull it apart, stick your dick in it. You piece of shit. Gilbert, I'm going to interrupt because

we have a special caller. Yes. Okay. Who is it? On the line. Did we lose him? Oh, well. We lost him because of that. Alright, well, because we were talking about vagin. Yes. I was trying to get to him faster. Well, what are you going to do? Maybe he'll call back. No, I don't think so. He was on a plane that was taking off. How do you

do a phone call with someone that's ready to take off on a plane? You're a horrible producer. Oh, my God. I have never worked with such unprofessionals in my goddamn life. If you were on a plane and the pilot said to you, I'm going to crash into a mountain if you don't suck my dick. I would suck his dick. But I would have fear of flying through the whole thing.

It doesn't take that away. Did you hear about that kid that was on Grindr and he said the pilot was on Grindr too and he grinded him from the cockpit? And then meanwhile, they showed a picture of the pilot. This guy's like exposing the pilot, telling him that he's grinded. You're both on Grindr, so why are you making this public?

Then the pilot is gorgeous. I'm like, what a fucking asshole this guy was. Not the pilot, the other kid. All right, continue. Just edit that out. Welcome back. It's really nice to be here. Get off your cock-sucking phone.

I'm setting the timer. Oh, you are? Yes, I time the show. Oh, well, I don't like that. Someone has to do it. I don't the timer Oh you are? Yes I time the show Oh well I don't like that Someone has to do it I don't like timer Don't tell me to wrap it up Let's go

Well the caller who was going to call in Has taken off on a plane What would he have said had he called? He would have said I'm going to Amsterdam to smoke lots of pot Leave me alone You have to imagine the setting for just a minute He's on a plane about to take off He would have said, I'm going to Amsterdam to smoke lots of pot. Leave me alone. No, I don't know. You have to imagine the setting for just a minute.

He's on a plane about to take off holding a phone on speaker with the conversation you guys were just having with a crowded airplane. Oh, I know. I know what it was going to be. It was Richard Kine. Yeah, we were going to discuss that bullshit Mr. Magoo special. I'm emailing him to tell him he can chime back in once he's at altitude and he gets Wi-Fi. Okay, great. Oh, yeah.

Let's talk to him while he's up in the air. I can't wait. I don't know. So everybody that was on his plane just got to hear that dialogue? Probably. Which is amazing. How horrifying. I think he was trying to cover the phone as fast as he could.

It's the friendly skies. I'll say. It's the filthy skies of United. We have to talk about the recent Rudolph controversy. Well, first of all, who's been saying it for years? Yeah, you have. I've been saying it since. Well, I've been saying that, too.

That he was gay? What? No. What? I always said what I hated about that story is that they were fucking pricks to Rudolph. Yes, of course. And then when they realized they can use him, then he's okay.

That's the end of my bit, Gilbert. Just keep stealing from each other. To rise, rise, rise, and climb up the ladder. Yeah, you're right. That's the truth. I say that. I call Santa a fat fuck. He's a fat fuck.

Because you know what? He says to Donner, the coach, who's like, Mom, you're right, right, right. Let's see Rudolph fly. You know that piece. He talks like Edward Schumacher. the coach, who's like, Mom, you're right, right, right. Let's see Rudolph fly. He talks like it. He does. He's like, right, right.

Come on, kids. Let's play a reindeer game. Right, right. He does that. So when he takes off, Rudolph, and then he comes down, and the hoof hits him, and the nose is exposed like he got a heart on in the shower in gym class. It's all symbolic.

And then Santa says, that's too bad. He had a good takeoff too. And it's like, so he still didn't have a good takeoff just because he likes, he's Rudolph, the same-sex reindeer? I mean, I don't understand why. And then at the end, yeah, he's brutal to him. Awful. And then at the end, he's like Rudolph with your nose so bright. And I said, if I was Rudolph, I would have been like, you know what, Santa?

You humiliated me my whole life. Crash and burn! In fact, fuck! Now, if Santa Claus said he'd bring you extra nice toys, would you blow them? No, I won't, because I'll buy my own toys. Let me tell you what's going to be on my gravestone, Gilbert. This would be on my gravestone.

I can buy the whore. I can't be one. Gilbert, just because you'd blow Santa for some doesn't mean Mario you know what Gilbert would blow Santa for the fluffy towels at the Marriott motel that he stays in every time he fucking travels

I can't bear it I have not seen it yet because I don't want to see him treating himself like a piece of shit. Why don't you book a fucking five star, you piece of shit, you cheap bastard. Oh, I'm having so much fun so far. Oh, my God. Yes. What else?

Wait a minute. Richard Kind is texting. He says, I'm on a crowded plane. All they couldn't hear, the passengers could hear, was Les Moonves sucked my dick. I'd suck your dick. I said to a guy across the aisle, can you hear this? He replied, the guy in the bathroom at the back of the plane could hear this. I'm sorry, guys.

I had to hang up. I'm sorry. But Mario is still wrong. You text him right now and you ask him one question. Did it get a laugh? That's all I care about. Was the plane laughing? Who cares about that?

I want him to pick up the phone again. He's on a plane. He's taking off. I'm not wasting my time with that. I emailed him. I told him that if he gets to altitude and there's Wi-Fi to join us again. If he gets to altitude and the air masks drop. So you were way ahead of the curve on the Rudolph controversy for years.

And now all of a sudden, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, and it's, I don't, I disagree with what they're saying. Like that it's politically incorrect. Well, that it's about, it's, you know, somehow it promotes bullying. They missed the point entirely. It doesn't promote bullying. That's all you care about is him. And as a young homosexual,

I related to it. Because the poor guy was bullied his whole life. I was bullied. But you know what? Let me tell you about bullying stories. I just go like this. Bull who?

Boo? Fucking who? Everybody gets bullied. Boo who? Toughen up. Toughen up. It's 2018. Toughen up. Everyone's 2018. Toughen up.

Everyone's coming out of the closet. John Travolta and Tom Cruise are right behind you. I promise it's going to happen. Oh, my God. I hope I can get through this show. I do, too. Let's also just talk about something you and I talked about on the phone, and it's current, which is the Baby It's Cold Outside controversy.

Did you know about this, Gil? Yes, I know. Can we play that? We sang it the last time. We had the definitive version. We really did. It's Betty Davis and Tony Curtis. Did you just tweet this? I did. I retweeted it. I really can't

stay. But baby, it's cold outside. I've got to go away. But baby, it's cold outside. I've got to go away. But baby, it's cold outside. It's the greatest thing ever. This evening has been. Been hoping you'd drop in. So very nice. I'll hold your hands like they're just like ice.

My mother will start to worry. Beautiful watch you wearing. My father will be pacing the floor. Listen to the fireplace roar. So I really better scurry. Beautiful please don't hurry. Well maybe just a half a drink more. Put some wreckage on my

life. The name is my thing. You threw off my rhythm so bad. He was so behind. You're so in the pocket as they say. Jesus Christ. Your eyes are like starlight now. It's brilliant. All right.

It's brilliant. It's brilliant. Thank you. One of our greatest hits. So that's a politically incorrect. That's committing a crime. Well, it's ridiculous. First of all, Frank Lesser wrote that song for his wife, and they did it at parties.

It wasn't even supposed to be. Never intended to be published, right? No, and either way, once it was, it's playful. People, it is such a sick time in this world, and everything is being skewered. A silly thing like this, that's when people look really ridiculous and stupid. Stupid! Our friend Seth Saltzman is here, too. They say it's predatory.

Yeah, and so are you, but I still come here every year. I don't think so. I want to introduce Seth, who's here, Gilbert. Would you suck Frank Lester's dick? Yes, I would. Frank Lester. And as I did it, I would sing If I Were a Bell from Guys and Dolls. Right.

Another show where they drink dulce de leches down in Havana. They do. Yeah. So is that incorrect? Is that incorrect? I don't think so. I don't know. Seth is here on keyboards.

I just want to ask Seth, too. You posted about Frank Lesser and about Baby, It's Cold Outside. Yes. And the idea that in the movie, after they became a great party song, they put it in the movie. Thing wins an Academy Award. Best song, 1949 from Neptune's Daughter. Yes. And the great part of it, they keep showing on TV the part with Ricardo Montalban.

That's right. And Esther Williams. But the fun part is the second part with Red Skelton and Betty Garrett. Betty Garrett. They reversed the role. She won't let him out of the apartment. See, they reverse it where Betty Garrett is predatory. She always played

a predator, Betty Garrett. She was a predator on the town too. Remember? The song in the cab? Come out of my place! That song? She wouldn't let him out of the cab. Frank Sinatra, he was like dying. He was like, where's Ava Gardner? I can't fuck this chick. The song was banned by radio stations in Cleveland and San Francisco.

Oh, please. San Francisco? Yeah, can you believe that? Frank Lester's daughter, Gilbert, you'll love this. She was asked to comment, and she blamed it on Bill Cosby. Well, that's because it's what's in this drink. It's what's in this drink. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's in this drink? It's because she's drinking too much. I in this drink. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's in this drink? It's because she's drinking too much. I don't know. Yeah, but they did it. It's true, right? They just,

it was something they did at parties. They never, he never had any intention. Yes. Isn't that what you posted? Yeah, and in the movie too, the Esther Williams character, you could see she clearly wants to stay and the lyrics are simply about,

oh, what will my mother say? Because you can't just take it lyrically. You have go to the origin of it how it was played how it was meant to be played you know i mean you know if bill cosby and janice dickerson played it sang it together it would be a little different frank leso also wrote a song called the secretary is not a toy from uh oh that's right right so i mean he wrote songs and they were of their time and everything is of its time that's what we have to remember my god what i saw something where they were doing a production of um how to succeed in business and there was some song maybe it's the might have been that or or a song about a girl singing that she has to have a guy in her life. And so they put in, they directed the other actors to make faces behind her to show that they disapprove of this attitude.

Yeah, that's good. That'll fix it. Make faces. Make faces and, you know, put your thumb on your nose. And that's a great idea. What have you been up to? Let's catch with what am i doing briefly before we do all christmas i've just i don't i i've been doing celebrity autobiography on broadway oh yeah with alec baldwin some other people baldwin tony danza um it's been fun i did i did that for three three mondays in a row with

whose biography did you uh i do kathleen turners. Kathleen Turner. It is, I am fucking exhausted. I am really. I have to take the bus up and down Nice Avenue. And everyone knows me, you know, the bus driver opens the door and says, Kathleen, you're looking good. And I say, I feel terrific. I love that impression. Now, she came out with that interview recently. Now she hates everybody.

Well, yeah. I don't know about everybody. She's very unspoken. You certainly make very broad strokes, don't you? For statements, Gilbert Gottfried. Yeah, she hates everybody. She mentioned me, you, Frank. I'm so flattered.

I think, well, she had, it was a great interview. Yes. It really was. I think, well, she had, it was a great interview. Yes. It really was. I love Kathleen Turner. I think she's one of the last of the great Broadway stars, too. She'd be good for us here because she is a bit of a loose cannon. Oh, God, you should absolutely have her here. She's like Gilbert Shabba, let me speak.

I can't get a word in edgewise. I wouldn't fuck you with your wife's dick. I wouldn't do it. And you were on some game shows. I saw you on Match Game. Match Game, yeah. You're doing that. Also with Alec Baldwin.

You guys must be thick as thieves at this point. I love him. He's a big champion. Would you blow Alec Baldwin? Yes, I would. For actually no money. Okay. Not even a job.

How about Billy? Billy Baldwin? When he was in Sliver, absolutely. But now, no. Now, what about that Republican one? We don't have time to go through all the Baldwins. When he was in Threesome, yes. But not now.

He's a fat fuck. Oh, and who's the craziest Baldwin? Daniel. I don't know him. I can't say, but he does get a lot of press. Did you see this too, Mario? This made me think of you, and it's not actually Christmas related. There's a new book coming out about The Wizard of Oz called The Road to Oz.

And what is this now? By Jay Scarfoni and William Stillman. They didn't like The Yellow Brick Road because it smelled like urine? No, this was interesting. This was in the Daily Mail, so you know it must be true. Yeah. Wizard of Oz bosses, you know about this, worried that Judy Garland wasn't right for Dorothy

because of her large breasts and snaggle tooth, this says. Fuck them. She's not Jewel. I know. I'm reading this because I know Gilbert will love it. The real problem was mean, drunk, and smelly munchkins. Yes. Oh, yeah.

I know all about this. Two of them had to be bailed out for prostitution. Oh no, they put them, Judy told a story about it. She said that they put them all in a large house together, all the munchkins, and they had parties, and they would kick you in the shins and trash the whole house, and they would break tables and chairs, and they had to catch them with butterfly nets. Yes, we've heard that. Chevy Chase was on this show

because he did that Under the Rainbow where he had the munchkins there a lot of the original munchkins and he said they would grab the actors asses and they'd walk around farting.

They like farting. Yeah, they did. They were brutal. They were. Judy Garland, and you know who was originally supposed to play that role? Shirley Temple. Shirley Temple, yeah. Which would have been, Jump!

We're over the rainbow! I mean, I can't picture it. I can't either. Despite the fuss over Judy's appearance, the real issue during filming was with the little people, Gilbert, cast as munchkins. They were mean. They smelled from sweat as well as liquor and some engaged in prostitution.

Gilbert was one of the ones that came out of the egg. He was. He was. And according to Hollywood legend, one of the munchkins hung himself and you could see him hanging from the tree. I can't imagine they didn't yell, cut, and get him down before we finish the shot. Well, they were behind schedule. Yeah, that was it.

They were behind schedule. The munchkins were unruly. Keep shooting. Yep, keep shooting. Did she have to wear a corset or something? They put her in a contraption of some kind? Yeah, they kind of taped down her breasts. Is that where she got really heavily into drugs, where they had to put her to sleep and then wake her up?

Well, she was conditioned. They conditioned Judy Garland. They put her to sleep with pills, and they woke her up. Because they gave her speed because they wanted her to lose weight. And then they had to give her a pill to go to sleep and then give her a pill to wake her up. Let me tell you something. She was a victim of all this shit.

I mean, now it's like, you know, you look at people that are doing this today or even, you know, a couple of decades ago, it's like, you can,

you have to handle this yourself. I think with her, it was a different situation. What a hard worker though, on a body of work. She was the greatest thing. Now, did you see the newest star is born? I haven't seen it it was a different situation. What a hard worker, though, and a body of work. She was the greatest thing. Now, did you see The Newest Star is Born? I haven't seen it yet.

No. All right, we won't talk about it. No, I liked it. But it's not, you know, Judy Garland. But it was good. It was very good. I thought it was very good. Now, generally, fags don't like Judy Garland.

Yes, we do, you big fucking whore. And we are proud of it. Pride of it. Okay. Now, do you like her better than Cher? Yes. Oh, yes. But I just saw the Cher show.

Oh, how was the Cher show? It was magnificent. Much better than I thought it was going to be. I don't like a jukebox musical. This was so smart and so well done because they hang it. They hang the whole premise on telling her life story through a variety show, which, you know, she had

and her and Sonny had. And what about Debbie Reynolds? I love Debbie Reynolds. She died. Yes. Yeah, I loved it. I thought Debbie Reynolds was magnificent. Why are you asking me about Debbie Reynolds? No, I think fags like Debbie Reynolds. Yeah, but not as much as Judy Garland. Gilbert, do you like Debbie Reynolds? No.

Debbie Reynolds one time came over and said she was a fan of mine. There you go. Really? And then after she died, I thought I should have asked her to be on the podcast. Nice work. He just lets them go like a Nice work. Wow, that was a sweet guess. He just lets them go like a slippery fish.

No, she came over to me at some event and said she was a fan. Why would you not get her on the show? Gilbert! Well, I wasn't doing this show at the time. Didn't Carrie Fisher tell you she was attracted to you, that you were her type? Carrie Fisher said to me at a roast she said you are just my type and i said what's your type and she goes little funny and cute and well you know you do attract the mentally ill so it's a nice thing it's a nice thing for you

how your wife is as sane as she is, I don't know. She is a saint. The woman is going to be canonized. Just book of four seasons once, just for your fucking wife. It's reasonable. Okay, so Cher. You like the Cher show. I love it.

Stephanie Block is magnificent. It's like, and Jason Moore directed it. It's pretty great. I have to say. I saw To Kill a Mockingbird. Outstanding. Outstanding. I have tickets. Outstanding.

I saw Network. Bryan Cranston gives the performance of a lifetime. I heard he was just electric. And Waverly Gallery is amazing. Elaine May is astounding. How is Elaine May at her age? Give her the Tony now. How is she getting up and doing a show every night in her 80s?

I don't know. She's 85. It's like when I saw Cicely Tyson in A Trip to Bonneville and in the gin game. She was amazing. She was magnificent. Bryant's going to get that Tony, Mr. Cranston. I'm sure he is. And Elaine May's going to get it. People are raving about it.

Oh, it's astounding. It's unreal. But I remember from seeing you in Laugh Whore that you were no fan of Moonstruck or Cher getting the Oscar for that role. No, no, because – and I watch it again. I watch it again recently. I'm like, no, it's not Italian enough. It's not – not that it's not Italian enough. It doesn't feel correct.

It doesn't feel – Very few Italians involved. Well, Danny Aiello and – And Nick Cage. Nick Cage is Greek, but close enough. You know, she's magnificent in it. Nick Cage is fine. Gardenia. Oh, she's magnificent in it. Nick Cage is fine. Gardenia.

Oh, Vincent Gardenia. No, Vincent Gardenia. Everybody else is a Jew or a Gentile or Irish Catholic. That doesn't matter to me. It's more her performance that I just think, no, I don't buy it. Sorry. I do love her, but I don't buy that performance. Is that why you said, stab me in the head?

Oh, I said, the chair has an obstacle. She won the Oscar. I was like, put a knife in my temple right now. That's another one of those movies that the happy ending is that the guy who's dating hot-looking young girls winds up with an old woman. That's very popular in Hollywood. It really is popular. You know, those May-December romances. It's really not, though, because that's an older guy and a younger girl.

They never make a deal about that. Don't you remember Moment by Moment with Lily Tomlin and John Travolta? Oh, my God. Where she was older and he was young. Oh, my God. And his name was Strip. Strip. Strip.

She was calling him on the phone and crying. Strip. No, I'm fine. I'm really okay. It was awesome. The worst movie ever. That was one of those nails in John Travolta's movie career before the comeback. He came back like most Scientologists do.

The movies I'm talking about are like, what was the one, you know, Jack Nicholson and Deborah Winger. Jack Nicholson and Deborah Winger? Deborah Winger and Jack Nicholson. In terms of endearment? In terms of endearment.

But they weren't a couple. No, but he was going out with hot young girls. Yep. And then he winds up with Shirley MacLaine, who's closer to his age. Yep. And that's the happy Hollywood ending. It is.

Well, that's appropriate. That's right. Well, something's got to give then. The same plot where he's dating Amanda Peet, but he winds up with Diane Keaton. Yes. I love that movie. Same formula. It's a fun movie. It's a great movie with Diane Keaton. Ah, yes! Same formula. I love that movie. Same formula.

It's a fun movie. It really is. All right. I'm bored. Okay, well, we were talking to Mario Cantone. I gotta go. About Chuckie Cock. Yeah, that's right.

Would you guys like to try to guess some Christmas singers? Yes, I do. Okay. This will be fun. We'll stump you. We did it last year. we'll bring it back we will return to gilbert godfrey's amazing colossal podcast but first a word from our sponsor this episode is brought to you by fx's the bear on disney plus in season three car me and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade,

a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27,

only on Disney+. Frankie, what do you got? Let's start in order. Some of them are easy. Some of them are hard. There's five of them. It was a day after Christmas, and all I could think about was a day after Christmas. Yeah, no shit.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, that was a waste of time, Frank. We're just doing obscure, unheard of Christmas songs. I knew you were going to get Jerry, but they get harder. Do you know this, Gil? No. Wow. Do you know it, Seth?

No, but I had a backstage experience with Jerry about six months before he passed away. It was ugly. Oh, what? It was at the St. George Theater. Jerry was doing his one-man show just in the last year before he passed away. Yeah. And he sat on the middle of the stage. He was telling jokes, showing film clips, talking about the movies, telling some really bad jokes.

It was an uncomfortable night because he just was not in great shape already. And the show was supposed to go about two hours. An hour in, Jerry, I think they were up to like Cinderfella era.

Not all the way through his career. And Jerry said, we're done. Good night. Everybody, like the show's over after about 50 minutes.

With my friend John, we were going to go backstage and say hi. But we go back to the stage door, and dishers are flying. Things are being broken backstage in the room. And poor Jerry is going out of his mind to the moment like, I got to meet somebody else. I got to meet another person. It was so sad. So sad. So we did not go backstage. Not the good Jerry jerry we did not you always saw the good side of jerry yeah

well i did that every night backstage at laugh whore i threw dishes i said i gotta meet another cocksucker i can't do it that's exactly what was going on i bet oh well no you know all right poor guy well i met him once he was nice he didn't like the homosexuals. Is that true? I don't think he did. It could be wrong, but I don't think he did. And no, Gilbert, I wouldn't suck his dick. Why won't you suck my cock, Lothian?

Because the name of it is too long. Gilbert, you don't know this song? I Had a Very Merry Christmas? I knew you'd know the voice. I was trying to stump you with the song. Okay, this one's a little harder. Okay. The second one.

I'm not looking at the screen. Not that hard. Don't look at the screen. The Partridge Family. No. Mario will get it, I'm sure. Put the loot in the boot, Santa, you've got to be good to me Ah, yo, it's Mae West

Very good Very good Who's this? Mae West Oh, it's Mae West Oh, Frankie and Johnny Had you ever heard this one? No, I haven't

It's from Mae West's Mae West had a Christmas album called Wild Christmas. Oh. Santa, if you want to share my company. Seth, you don't know it either. No, no. This is new to me.

These are deep dives. We're going to have to go get this on the way out. She had a Christmas album in 1966, Wild Christmas. Wow. You got that fast. Oh, I knew it was her right away. Oh, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Oh, yeah.

Got a very shiny nose. Oh, you'reosed Reindeer. Oh, yeah. Got a very shiny nose. Oh, you're tickling me. Oh. Oh. Let's do Silent Night. Silent Night, Holy Night. Oh, it wasn't too silent for too long. Oh, yeah.

I love her. Let me get through a couple of these. Gilbert, this one's for you. Yes. See if you know who's singing. Or if you know the song. You might know the song. See if you know who's singing.

Or if you know the song. You might know the song. I want a hippopotamus for Christmas. A hippopotamus is all I want. Don't want a doll, no dinky dinky toy. I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy. Well, it's a group of men that can't sing, so let's narrow it down. What do you think, Gil? Well, yeah, it's a Jew.

Seth has a guess. Alan Sherman? No. You have a guess? I saw the screen, so I can't. But I wouldn't have known. Gil, it's the Three Stooges. Oh, my God.

Oh, so that's what Curly Joe Dorita. That's Curly Joe Dorita. Wow. Yeah. Beautiful. Oh, Curly Joe. From 1953. He was so gay.

The song was written in 1953. He was really gay. Wasn't he? Wait. Joe Dorita? Well, kind of. He was like, stop it. He did like a lot.

Oh, that's Joe Besser. Joe Besser. Oh, all right. He played Stinky. Yeah, Stinky. I don't remember anything. A song written in 1953, a Billboard hit for somebody called Gala Peavy. Does that mean anything to you?

Gala Peavy. Yeah. It was never a great hit. It's been covered by Leigh-Anne Rimes, the Captain and Tennille, and Captain Kangaroo. Do you know? And that's the Three Stooges version. And I think I've even heard it before. You have?

Yeah. But not that version. Do you know, I think I've even heard it before. You have? Yeah. It makes sense that, you know, Captain Kangaroo did it, but Captain and Tennille, that is. And the Captain Kangaroo and Tennille, which was a very failed. Stooges had some nice harmony. They did? That was Joe Dorita. Okay, here's another one.

I can't look. Don't look. This is from 1953. It's over there. It's reflecting in the glass. I'm seeing look. Don't look. This is from 1953. It's over there. It's reflecting in the glass. I'm seeing it all over the place. It's like a nightmare. Everybody get around.

Take your seats and all sit down. First I start to sing this song. Then you follow. Was that the guy who did Donald Duck? Nope. No. Even Clarence Nash. Not him.

Oh, yes, all this candy's free. Not Danny Kaye, is it? Mickey Cat? Nope. Good guess. It's called Yadas Is and Christmas Tree. Mel Brooks. I'm close.

It's Mel Blank. Oh! Once you said that one. Yes. I could not find any research on this. I don't know why this exists. So I'm going to throw this out to our listeners. If you know anything about this Mel Blanc Christmas song, contact us on social media. Now, this last one is sung by somebody who was here recently, Gil.

There's your hint. Somebody who was in this room and on this show. And I'll be surprised if you know this one. I'm gonna put some glue around my face.

Not Diane Ladd. No. No. Dick Van Dyke. No. Recently. Dick Van Dyke. No. Recently. Danny Ayala. Pat Cooper.

I'm glazing over. Do you know anything? Does this ring a bell? Is this the Impressionist? Nope. It's Joel Grey. This isn't from the Wrecking Bass special. No, it's a novelty song about a budding serial killer

who devises an elaborate scheme to trap Santa Claus. Okay. Mickey Cat's son. From 1955. Yes, you guessed Mickey Cat's before. So that was the origin of Nightmare Before Christmas, basically. Yeah. What do you think

of that Rankin Bass one with Joel Grey? It's cute. It's all right. You know, it's not stop action. It's all, I don't, they're 2D stuff I

don't love as much. Yeah. Like Frosty pisses me off. Yeah. And you were friends with Jules Bass. I was friends with

him. We were talking about him before we put the mics on. I met him at my gym and he was, he's this fit, like amazing man.

He's adorable. He's just, I flipped out. I was like, I gave him my, my copy of my special Laugh Whore and he loved it and called me up and he was just, he's just a sweet guy. And I, I've spent some Christmas parties with him. And, um, and I remember saying to him, you know, I, on the DVD extras, you're not on there. They're interviewing Arthur Rankin Jr. and you're not being interviewed. That's weird.

He's like, I'm not doing that crap anymore. I said, Jules, I said, you look so much better now. You had that Jufro before. You look terrible. I said, they showed pictures of you. I said, now you're like, you look so great. You need to speak on these DVD extras so people don't think you're dead. He didn't listen to me.

But I haven't spoken to him in a long time. He's a bit of a recluse, isn't he? I don't know. He doesn't give interviews? Yeah, he doesn't. Yeah, he doesn't. He doesn't. He's the Walt Disney of Christmas.

Yeah. And he's... Yeah. Speaking of Rankin-Bass, we talked about this last time, but I found this and I thought you would find this interesting. Last time we talked, we did a ranking of Rankin-Bass, we talked about this last time, but I found this and I thought you would find this interesting. Last time we talked, we did a ranking of Rankin-Bass cartoons. Oh, okay. And you were not happy.

We did a ranking of Christmas movies that pissed me off. We did a Rankin-Bass one and then we ranked the Christmas Carol versions. Yeah, that's right. And that pissed you off. Yeah. I want to get your take on this, and I'm only going to read five. All right. I'm only going to read five. All right. I'm only going to read the top five.

And I know, Gilbert, you know some of these, too. Yeah. This is in Sci-Fi Wire magazine, and they ranked the Rankin-Bass specials. Let me get to it. No, I'll do the top ten because we'll go fast. Okay. Number ten, they picked Jack Frost. It's not bad.

With Buddy Hackett and Larry Storch. He said, do your Buddy Hackett. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, my favorite line. I hate Jack Frost. Oh, boy. I can't believe I'm meeting Jack Flosh. We had Buddy Hackett's son on the show a couple of weeks ago,

and he did not approve of Gilbert's Buddy Hackett impression. Well, you don't do it in front of them. You do it behind their back. What's wrong with you? And, of course, since we brought up Buddy Hackett, what I have to do in every other podcast, is the famous death scene from Bud and Lou. Oh, God. Oh, yeah.

And so Lou Costello, Buddy Hackett as Lou Costello's dying, Artie Johnson comes in as his agent and sneaks him under his jacket a strawberry malted. And Buddy Hackett takes a sip and very weakly goes, I know I think I had a lot of strawberry malted in my day, but this one's the best. And then he closes his eyes and falls back dead. Not how Lou Costello died.

You seen it? It's terrible. No, I can't. It's terrible. Okay, number nine they picked, Rudolph's Shiny New Year. It's all right. It's basically Dumbo. Technically not a Christmas special.

The baby New Year has the big ears. It's all the same shit. Yeah. Frank Gorshin's in that one. Red Skelton. Yep. You know who's still alive, by the way, speaking of that? Maury Laws.

Oh, he is, right? He's the animator. He's alive at 95. He wrote the music. Jules wrote the lyrics. How about that? Not for Rudolph. That was mostly Johnny Marks.

But for the rest of them, it was... He's still alive. 95. Romeo Muller died a while ago. I think Romeo Muller died. Here's number eight that they rank. The stingiest man in town. That's still alive. 95. Romeo Muller died a while ago. I think Romeo Muller died. Yeah. Here's number eight that they rank, The Stingiest Man in Town. That's the Christmas Carol version.

No, it's not that great. You don't care for it. No, it's not that great. It's okay. It's good. With Matthau? Yeah, with Walter Matthau. That's the best thing about it.

And Theodore Bickel, Gilbert, your favorite. Oh my God. Can't get jewier than that. No. No. They say... Oh, I gotta watch that one now. They say the most memorable thing about that one is the ghosts that haunt Scrooge are capable

of being seriously creepy, even in the exaggerated Rankin-Bass style. Yeah, well, it's 2D. Keep going. I'm bugged. How about number seven? The First Christmas. The Story of the First Christmas. No.

That's good. From 1975. With Angela Lansbury? Angela Lansbury and Cyril Richard. It's good. It's actually very good. With the nun. There's a nun in it.

And a blind shepherd boy. Yes. But this nun did not embezzle $500,000 and gamble it in Vegas. Did you hear about them? No. Oh, the two nuns. No. I didn't hear about it.

And one of them looked like a cousin of mine. I'm like, oh my God, it's my cousin Jeannie. Number six they picked, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus. I don't know this one. I know that one. It's good. It's like another version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town, but it's a little more kind of the tone of it.

It's a little more serious. A largely unknown cast. Alfred Drake. On this list. Alfred Drake. Do you have Santa Claus versus the Martians? No, that's not. No, this is Rankians? No, that's not a good movie. Stay on the path.

The worst. But you can talk about that if you like when I get through with it. Why don't you go home and we'll finish this? Go ahead. God. Go ahead. Okay, quickly. Number five. Santa Claus is coming to town. It's great. Yeah. It's great. Yeah.

It's great. With Mickey, with Kenan Wynn as the Winter Warlock. Yeah, he's magnificent. Love that one. And all those kids, my husband hates that because he can't stand all the kids. My husband, Jerry, when all the kids are like, when Fred Astaire is telling the story and the kids are all like all together, they're like, oh, that's how Santa came down the chimney. Oh, that's how his reindeer learned how to fly.

Great performance by Paul Freese, by the way, as the Burgermeister. Burgermeister, Meister, Burgum. I love his sidekick who's really gay. He's like, Burgermeister, Meister, Burgum. We found toys. He's like a Franklin Bangborn in Rankin-Bass. He is.

Number four, I know how you feel about Frosty. Number four, Frosty the snowman. Uh-uh. Yeah. Well, first of all, he takes that little girl into the greenhouse at the end and gets all hot and melt. He's a pedophile. That's all there is to it. Happy birthday.

Get the right holiday, all right, you piece of shit? I found out Jackie Vernon's Italian. Yeah. What's his real name? Verone. Verone. Verone. How about that?

That was another controversy with the songs about everybody getting crazy about the holiday songs. Frosty the Snowman. Smoking a pipe around the kids the whole time. Oh, smoking a pipe around the kids. He's smoking a pipe. The kids can deal with it. So they get a little secondhand smoke. Big fucking deal.

Jackie Vernon. It's not as bad as him being accused of being a pedophile, I guess. That's well. Jackie Vernon. He's also not wearing any pants. For years. The voice of God. Oh, that's what it is.

Yeah, but he doesn't have a dick, so it doesn't matter. For years, Jackie Vernon did that thing with the clicker. Yes, sure. Here are some slides from my vacation. Who else does Jackie Vernon? Here we are being led around the quicksand. Here's a bunch of hats and ropes and things. And then the sequel to that was Frosty's Winter Wonderland.

Yes, not on the list. His wife is Shelley Winters, you know. Right. She's like, oh, Santa. Oh, Santa. Look at me. I don't want to. I'm so hot.

I need to get into a freezer. See, now I imagine fags love Shelly Winter. We love Shelly Winter. What is the connection there? Because she's one of those women. It's a camp thing in a way. Wild, fat, annoying. Boy, you ever watch her in A Place in the Sun with Montgomery Clifton?

Liz Taylor is so beautiful. And then Shelly Winter is when she's like begging him. Talk about baby, it's cold outside. She's like, you don't like me. I love you, George. I'm pregnant, George. You don't like me. You look like a girl better than me.

I mean, it's just so pathetic. First time I ever saw you do stand-up. What was that movie with Shelley Winters and John Garfield? Oh, you got me stumped. I don't know. I love John Garfield, too. I don't know. We'll have to ask the booth.

It wasn't The Postman Always Rings Twice. If Dara's out there, maybe Dara can find that. First time I ever saw you do stand-up at Caroline's in the early 90s, you did the Poseidon Adventure bit. Oh, when she was climbing up the tree and all that shit. Yeah, really funny. Mrs. Peter Pan, I'm not. I'm not.

You did it in Laugh-For, too. I did. I did do it in Laugh-For. Number three, Twas the Night Before Christmas. No. No. You don't like that one. It's all right.

That's all Joe Gray and George Goebel. Nah. Yeah, next. And Gilbert John MacGyver. Oh, my God. It's just everything must be run according to schedule. We will have no slackers in this organization. That's hilarious.

Everything must be done as soon as possible. Who else, Mario, does Jackie Vernon and can slip into John MacGyver? Only him. Only him. And this is Jackie Vernon and John MacGyver in A Mice and Men. Oh, God.

Tell me about the rabbit, George. Well, I could have a farm with rabbits on it. And I get to tend to the rabbits, don't I, George? Yes. And if we have friends, we say stay. This happens every week. Gilbert, put that in the act. That's hilarious.

Number two in their ranking. What the hell do they know? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Okay, yeah. 1964. And what's number one? I'm dying now. They say that Yukon Cornelius is the best

Rankin Bass character ever created. He's a bear. He's a big gay bear. He's a bear. He's got a little chihuahua and a poodle. He's a big gay bear. He's like a guy in Chelsea. Just a big muscular guy walking little dogs. I mean, that's what he is. And the one they love the best.

It better be the little drummer boy. It's the year without a Santa Claus. First of all, let me tell you something about that special. The heat miser and the snow miser, they're fantastic, but it's really not a great special. It's kind of boring. You mean to tell me the little drummer boy is not on those? I'll find the ranking. I just did this

because I knew it was going to piss you off. It's Romeo Muller's favorite one, too. Little drummer boy, he's this little Jewish kid, and the... Oh, my God. Don't make me cry. Nice. They do the flashback at the beginning where the mother and father

are murdered by the desert bandits. The desert bandits come in, and they... It's the Middle Eastern conflict in a rank and bass special. They kill the mother and father. They stab the mother with a, they throw a knife at the father. It goes right in him cause he's a puppet.

He's wood. So it stuck really well. And then they burn the house and the mother and they went up in flames cause they're puppets. They made a wood. So, and then he goes off and he's so pissed off and angry and he's got this magical drum that his mother and father gave him. And he's got this lamb and this camel and the sheep lamb. It was a lamb, a camel.

And what's the other one? Oh, my God. I can't believe I can't remember it. It's not a frog. But anyway, I don't think so. But he knows he's yelling at them to dance. He's like, dance faster, Sasha. Dance fast.

And he's really angry at the little lamb. He's like, Dad, you could do better. He's brutal. He's so angry. Even when he sees Jesus, he does not smile. He's like, fuck this shit. My lamb's dead. Make it alive.

And then Jesus makes the lamb. It's 50 years old this year, the little drummer boy. It's the best one. 1968. Okay, so now you're going to get very pissed off because they rank that as 19th out of 19. You know what? They can suck my drummer boy dick. And Greer Garson was the narrator.

And the little drummer boy hated people. All people. He was a miserable little bastard. He really was. But he saw the great shining star. Then he was wrong as anyone was ever

wrong. Okay. A song called One Star. Yeah. You think that should be number one and they put it at 19. What's this magazine? It's called Sci-Fi Wire. What does a sci-fi magazine know about fucking Rankin Bass specials? It's not sci-fi.

It's stop action animation. I'll give you their names. I'll call them. Let's try something. All right, what are we doing? Okay, here we go. Oh, God, here we go. Here we go.

Scripts. You know what this is. I love a script. Oh, God. Okay. Okay. Okay. So we're going to, so the parts are marked.

Okay. What do you think, Gil? Let's do it. Oh, God. Please. Okay. So we're going to, so the parts are marked. Okay. What do you think, Gil? Let's do it. Oh, God. Please try to stay in tempo. Oh, there's not a chance. This will be impossible. This will be impossible.

Silence, nice. All is calm. All is bright. night Holy Scott Holy Christ round yon facing mother and child Holy infant so tender

and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace. Silent night, holy night. Shepherds quake at the sight. Glories stream from heaven afar

heavenly hosts sing alleluia Christ the Savior is born Christ the Savior is born.

Silent night, holy night. Son of God, all of pure light. Radiant beams from thy holy face. With the dawn of redeeming grace. Jesus, Lord, at thy birth. Jesus, Lord, at thy birth. That was quite good, Groucho. I really enjoyed singing with you.

You're wonderful. Yes, it was. You could do that in your sleep. In fact, I think you did do that in your sleep. I've always loved Christmas. I mean, yes, it's lovely. What's the magic word today? So I think it's Parkinson's.

Is it really? I don't have Parkinson's. That's a rumor, and that's not true, and I find that very offensive. Because I don't know if I'm having a stroke or if you're shaking more than usual. Well, I'm shaking because it's just something that's hereditary. It's in my family. My mother before her. My mother's mother's mother something that's hereditary. It's in my family. My mother before her. My mother's mother's mother's mother's mother before her.

And my father's father before him. I had a shaking disease. Is there an earthquake happening right now? That's a big heart attack. That was fun. That was a good one, Frank. That was beautiful. I enjoyed that one.

Come on. I worked to please you. And Gilbert actually kind of stayed in time. Well, I picked a slow one. It was right on. I don't think he knows the tune. I'll tell you. Gilbert, you do know Silent Night, don't you?

Yeah. His musical skills are just unparalleled. What was the bit you used to do about Michael Jackson and Katharine Hepburn? Oh, what? Where he would do all the work on himself and she would become- Michael, oh yeah, because he did his nose. Michael, look at yourself.

What did you do? What did you do? Because they were friends at one time. Michael, what did you do to your nose? What did you do? Your nose looks like a vagina. Now, I heard that Catherine Hepburn. I couldn't even remember that.

Oh, my God. Which really is not a surprise once you think about it. It was a major dunk. Absolutely. And supposedly Spencer Tracy was either bisexual or gay. I mean, they supposedly really didn't have sex. If you read Scotty Bauer's book, Full Service. I mean, Katie would say to him, Scotty, I need some pussy tonight.

Now, get me someone. Call him right up. Now, you heard that story. It's probably not true, but it should be. What? The one where Michael Jackson, Marlon Brando, and Elizabeth Taylor tried to escape the country. Do you want to know? I saw them the night before that supposedly happened.

It was September 10th, 2001. I was in the audience. And Brando wasn't on stage that night, but he was in New York. He just didn't do the second night. But yeah, they supposedly got in a car together because they were there for 9-11. So they had to get in a car. I don't know if that's true or not. And then they did a series about it in England.

And Joe Fiennes, Joseph Fiennes, Ray Fiennes' brother, played Michael Jackson. And there was a big, big thing about it. People were not happy about it. And I think Stocker Channing played Elizabeth Taylor. I want to see it so bad because I love Stocker Channing. Who is Brando? I don't know.

It wasn't me. It should have been. I don't know who it was. The three of them in the car, it's like, Liz, you're too fat. There's not enough room for the three of us. Michael, Michael, Michael, please. Could you put the chimp in the trunk Because I can't, he smells

Oh, did you hear That Marlon Brando Fucked Richard Pryor In the ass Quincy Jones Quincy Jones said it I don't know who fucked who in the ass But I know they had sex

Well I like to think of it as Marlon Brando. Being the top. With 800 pounds on top. Yeah. He's the top. So you think Pryor was the bottom, is what you're saying. And Brando was the top. Yes.

Yeah. Okay. Well. God, he got so fat. What happened? Used to do that bit, too, about him in the witness stand with the Christian Brando trial. Oh, my God. He was like Humpty Brando on the stand. Remember when his son had the murder? Yes. My son's a good kid.

He really is. He didn't mean to do it. It's my fault. I was a bad father. It's the court's to knock if I'm going to eat that blueberry muffin because I'm starving. It was a son, Michael, and I had it killed because this Sicilian thing has got to stop. You want to answer a couple of questions from listeners? Sure. Who want to know things? See, I like Godfather 2 better than Godfather 1. Oh, yeah, it's better.

They're both great, but yes, it is. Well, De Niro is stunning. Stunning. All right, what are the questions? From Robert Martin. Hey, Mario, if you could bring one Rankin-Bass special to the stage, which one would you pick and which part would you choose for yourself? Well, I'm too old for all of them at this point in my career.

But I would bring the little drummer boy. You would? They little drummer boy. You would? They don't play it anymore because they think it's racist because it portrays Arabs as terrorists. So that's a whole other thing too. So they don't play it anymore. And they're the desert bandits. They don't say it, but you know what it is. What part would you like to play?

I would play... Brando. I guess I'd have to play the Jose Ferrer part, Ben Harriman. I didn't know Jose Ferrer married Rosemary Clooney twice. Why? Did you know that? No, twice? They broke up and then they married again? Yeah, I found that out while researching her while I was

watching White Christmas. What is wrong with people? Jason Grissom, what in Mario's opinion is the single worst Christmas song ever recorded? Well, the Razzleberry Crisps. The Razzleberry. I hate that song. Could I have a Christmas tree with Razzleberry dressing? A little Razzleberry would be nice.

You're picking up the slack for Richard? And I'm going to tell you something right now. Julie Stein must have been drunk when you wrote that score. First of all, fuck you. I love the Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol. Don't let me get over there. I'm coming across the table. It's good to be back on Broadway

That song's awful I'm bad, bad, bad Now we have a Christmas tree Go, Bill You're torturing me Some waffle jelly cake Perhaps a slice And wood on the floor

I hate that little kid That balding little fuck The waffle jelly cake Ugh, wipe your mouth I hate that little kid, that balding little fuck. Wipe your mouth. Oh, shut up. Wait, I'm all alone in the world. Oh, please. You're torturing him.

You're torturing him. Nobody wants him. Poor lad. Oh, poor lonely child. Poor lonely child. Is that supposed to be singing? When you're alone, alone in the world. When you're alone in the world. This song's not too bad.

Not a bad song. Blown away, leaves get blown away. Somebody give Mario a tissue? All right. Okay, so Razzleberry Dressing is your answer. The opening number. I'm back, back, back, back, back on Broadway. That's the worst.

I'm going to watch it again just so I can see it again and go, am I wrong or am I right? And next year I'll let you know. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast after this. Okay. Okay, Gil. Did I see what? Did you see the Leslie Nielsen live action Mr. Magoo?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That was jaw-dropping. Bad one. I didn't even know that existed. Sure. And you know how they'll take a review and they'll chop it up, a bad review? You know, like they'll say, like if the review said, Al Pacino was great in The Godfather, but in this, he's awful.

They'll go, Al Pacino was great. So in here, the only review they're able to chop up is in one word. They go slapstick New York Times. That's it? Yes. Yes. That's fucking hilarious. That's how desperate.

I don't even remember that. Was that the 90s? Oh, my God. It was god awful. Okay, this one's for you, Gil. From Beth Howley. Gilbert, was there ever a toy you wanted badly and asked for for Hanukkah?

And also, did you miss not having a Christmas? Uh, let's see. There were like, I knew as a kid this idea of like big expensive toys we weren't going to get. It's just like I knew there were products, name products, that were never in the house. But your parents got you the Aurora models and some of the monster stuff.

I love the Aurora models. The Aurora monster models. Did your dad sell those in the hardware store? Yeah. He would sell them sometimes. Most of the time they'd buy them from another place. They were hardware store? Yeah, he would sell them sometimes. Most of the time, they'd buy them from another place. They were monster models? Yeah, Aurora models.

You don't know that? I was too busy collecting Disney ceramics. Oh, the Aurora monster models. They had Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman. King Kong. And one time, my mother, I guess it was like two for one kind of thing. They were taped together. There was the Bride of Frankenstein and another one called the Witch.

And they were like together. Yeah. What witch was it? That's vague. What witch was it? Was it Margaret Hamilton? It was just a witch. Just a witch.

The witch. The generic witch. Oh, all right. Generic witch. Did you have a toy that you wanted desperately as a child for Christmas? First of all, I had one of those little organs that had the cord buttons on the side, and I never learned to play the organ. I don't know why I got it and why.

I was a spoiled brat. You know one of those bad organs that you press the cord buttons on the side? I had one of those. I just like Disney things. I like Disney ceramics. I like Disney books. You still collect that stuff, don't you? No, don't embarrass me.

Shut up. Don't reveal my secrets, Frank. I've seen them in your house. I love Christopher Finch's big The Art of Walt Disney book. It's a great book. I mean, I love that. I love Leonard Maltin's The Disney Films. That's a great book.

I like stuff like that. Like toys? No. You weren't a toy kid. Yeah, I guess not. I like the models. Oh, I like the Fisher-Price Castle. They don't make them anymore. And the Fisher-Price Village. I used to make

animated stop-action movies. I had a Technicolor 8mm camera. And I had all these films. Oh, that's cool. And I did the Poseid with my, I had a Technicolor eight millimeter camera and I had all these films. Oh, that's cool. And I did the Poseidon adventure in my backyard and I made the kid jump off the upside down table from the top of my porch.

I could have been arrested. And they had to catch her. Like remember Pamela Sue Martin? Sure. Jumped and they caught her in the tablecloth. Yeah. The kids caught the girl. I mean, I can't believe it.

And then I had a little boat in my pool, and I would throw a big bucket of water over it, so it tipped over. I had to do like several takes of that. You blew the furniture to the ceiling? Oh, yeah. It was in the backyard. It was under open sky.

It was a bad set. This is proof of a total faggot that as a kid, you're enacting the Poseidon effect. That's right, I am. There you go. You're sitting there with your point. I proved your point. Shelly Winters right there.

I had Leanne play Shelly Winters. She was magnificent. See? He's right. Hilarious. I know Gilbert's been in the- I know someone's going to probably tweet me the witch. I'm sure they are.

I'm sure they are. A picture of the witch. I want to see it. This is from Sean Lou. Gilbert, I know you've been in a few Christmas-related projects. You're in that, what, Buddy the Elf's Christmas? Buddy the Elf. With Ed Asner.

Oh, and that one, Mandy something and Mandy evil Christmas. Oh, yeah, I know what that is. Billy and Mandy's Christmas. Billy and Mandy's safe Christmas. Very good, Seth. You've done a lot of things that are just under the wire and unknown. A lot of crap. Wait, I like the elf special, Buddy the

Elf. It's based on this Broadway show, right? Yes. Matthew Sklar wrote that, who wrote The Prom, which is on Broadway right now, and it's fantastic. So Sean wants to know, Mario, if you've been in any TV related TV shows or films? I was in—

Christmas-related. Oh, yes, I was. I was in one that was on Lifetime last year that they're repeating a lot. It's called A Very Merry Toy Store. Oh. And I'll stop there. Who's in it? Melissa Joan Hart.

Oh, good. Mario Lopez, who I adore. And Melissa, she's terrific. Her mother directed it, Paula. Billy Gardell, who was terrific in it. It was a fun shoot. We had a really good time. I played the mayor of New Britain, Connecticut.

I was in Saved by the Bell Wedding in Vegas. Well, that's the greatest thing I've ever seen. Very good. What does that have to do thing I've ever heard. Very good. What does that have to do with Christmas? Because Mario Lopez. I love Mario. You've both worked with Mario Lopez. Leslie Alves wants to know, Mario, what does Liza think of your impersonation of her?

Oh, well. And has she ever commented on your Judy Garland? Yeah. She doesn't like that I do Judy Garland because she just doesn't. She doesn't like when anybody reveres or or or or makes fun of her mother and i don't make fun of her mother that's what she said she said she doesn't like that i make fun of her mother i said the last thing i do is make fun of your mother i put her on a pedestal i love her i think she's great liza i think she's okay

with me doing her you know she has a sense of humor she does have a sense i was on an airplane with her how was that? She was sitting with some black woman who I guess was her helper or something. And when the plane landed, a bag fell and hit the black woman on the head, to which Liza Minnelli was laughing uncontrollably. It fell on your head. Look, you have a bruise now. It's so funny.

Life is a cabaret. Come to the cabaret. I think we need a musical accompaniment on every episode. It brings a lot. I've been asking for this for years. I've never seen that scene. I can't get out. Great.

Was that good? You tell a story and it comes to life. And they were playing cabaret. I bet they were. If you landed in New York, they were probably playing New York, New York. They were probably playing Frank Sinatra's version, which infuriates her. Oh, she doesn't like Frank Sinatra's version. It's my song.

Well, guess what? Her song. Is it the Mets or the Yankees? I forget. One of the two. One of the New York. It's the Yankees. When the Yankees lose, well, they win.

Yeah. They play Frank Sinatra's New York, New York. When they lose, they play mine. I find that really offensive. I really do. I think it's so offensive. Hey, can you do Judy Garland toward the very end singing The Man Who Got Away? Wait, I'm going to not do that because I'm going to sing her at the very end.

Yes. Doing the last song she ever did on Johnny Carson. Well, Bill do it, Bill. Bill, doesn't he know the program? He gives everything away. Not a chance. He didn't even know Richard Kine was on the phone. His middle name is Spoiler Alert.

Last one. Gilbert, this is for you. Karen Rossio. Gilbert, why isn't there a Hanukkah song other than Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song? Or a good Hanukkah movie, and would you star in one if the price was right? Yeah, if the price was right. Price was right. He'd start a snuff film.

Oh, my God. He'd do a snuff film for $2.50 a week, and I'm talking $2.50. If they had free lunch, that would be enough for me to do. And they could put him up in a Motel 6. It would just be fine. Okay. We'll do a little more music. This one you're going to have to work a little harder.

Give it. Okay, Gil. Oh, geez. Gil, yours are in red. Mario's are in black. You know why? Because my husband is black. That's not true. No, not true. I love my husband.

I miss him. He's in Seattle a lot now. Try to stay, try to keep up, Gil. Yeah, Gil. Okay, yes. Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, happy soul with a corncob pipe in the butt and nose

and his eyes made out of coal. Frosty the Snowman made the children laugh and play. When they surprised before their eyes, he came to life that day. There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found. And when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around. Frosty the Snowman was alive as he could be. And the children say he could laugh and play and just the same as you and me. Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day. So he said, let's run and have some fun now before I melt away. So down to the village with a broomstick in his hand.

Running here and there all around the square, staying, catch me if you can. He led them down the streets of had to hurry on his way. But he waved goodbye saying, Don't you cry, I'll be back again someday. Thumpity Thump Thump Thumpity Thump Thump Look at Frosty go! Oh yes Thumpity Thump Thump Thumpity, thumb, thumb, look at Frosty go. Oh, yes. Thumbity, thumb, thumb, thumbity, thumb, thumb, over the hills of snow.

Oh, yes. Frosty the Snowman. He really is a marvelous, marvelous creature. Yes. Oh, yes. Well, Gilbert got it. I've had a stroke and I still think you're an asshole. Just to recap, that was Julia Child, Jerry Seinfeld, Cher.

Nice work, Mayor. Peter Lorre, Carol Channing. Andrew Dice Clay. Charles Nelson Reilly. Oh, oh, oh. Hervey Felichez. Of course. Post-stroke Betty.

Oh, yes. Well, Christmas would not be Christmas without me, Betty Davis. Oh, yes. Merry Christmas to my little elves. Gilbert Gottfried. Yes. I wish I was married to Gilbert Gottfried. Because then I could stay at a Motel 6, too.

And really go to town at the vending machine. You don't like the way he treats himself. I do not like it at all. I think he should stay at there four seasons or something. Even a Hilton. Try a Hilton. It's really okay. A Sheraton.

Well, do one more quick thing before your big number. Oh, God. Before your big closing number. Okay? Yes. Yes. Okay. Can I get some water or some tea?

I got one for you. Oh, good. Hang on, buddy. I feel like Barbra Streisand. I need my tea before I sing. I have two Christmas albums. One is, thank you very much. I love duets.

Now, what is the thing about Barbra Streisand and fags? What's the attraction there? I really find that offensive, Gilbert. and fags. What's the attraction there? I really find that offensive, Gilbert. Just because I drink tea a lot while I sing doesn't mean that a lot of homosexuals like me.

And they do have the best taste. So I do my... You know, James and I live in a barn. But the barn has been renovated. And it's all laid out in my new book, My Passion for Design. When I talk about my secretary, Renata, who makes kale chips, she crisps kale in the oven and drizzles olive oil and lemon all over them.

They're delicious. They're almost as good as potato chips. I love chocolate. I love to eat chocolate. Are you still baking, by the way? I am baking. You're still doing the baking and dropping it off at the local? I just dropped it off yesterday, but this is going to air on the 24th, so it'll be gone by then.

Okay. Do you want a quick quiz, or do you want to go to the song? No, let's go. Okay. This is something I made up. This is called Santa or Satan, because if you unscramble Santa, you get Satan. Did these actors play Santa Claus or the devil? Okay.

This is great. What do you think, Gil? Okay. Okay. They start off very easy. Yeah. Robert De Niro. He played the devil.

The devil, yeah. Right. Yeah, and Angel Heart. And Angel Heart. We should have buzzers. Yes. Okay. De Niro.

Al Pacino. The devil. Very good. And devil's advocate. Look at him go. Yes. Okay. De Niro. Al Pacino. The Devil. Very good. And Devil's Advocate. Look at him go. Yeah. See? Look at him.

He's excited. Keanu Reeves. I love Keanu Reeves. Okay. This one's a layup for you, Gilbert. Did Lon Chaney Jr. play The Devil or Santa Claus? Yes. He played The Devil.

I think it was that Swedish production. What the fuck was the name of that? It was called The Devil's Messenger. Devil's Messenger. In 1961. Devil's Messenger. And he was like put in between little stories. They had like a bunch of little scary stories.

And he was the devil. He knows too much. And he was, you know, the good, fat, alcoholic Lon Chaney Jr. And I remember at one point in that movie, a guy says to him, you know, that's very evil what you said, but then what could it be when it's in an evil place like this and cheney goes that's funny it's a pun i don't like puns but that's a pun and i thought no that's not a pun it's i was like three years old i was going it's the same word. It's not a pun.

But, you know, Lon Chaney Jr., you're not going to ask him to shoot it twice. No, of course not. You're lucky to get one sober take. They used to show that a lot on TV. Devil's Messenger. Very good. Okay, they get a little harder. Lloyd Bridges. Lloyd Bridges played the devil. He did.

Very good. Do you remember him playing Santa Claus? No, I don't. Okay. Was this a TV special? It was a TV movie called In the Nick of Time. Yeah. From 1991. Okay. Hume Cronin.

He played Santa Claus. Very good. Yeah. In what? In Santa and Pete. Is that what it was called? Yes. A TV movie from 1999. I didn't give you features.

Too many features because that's too easy. I don't know as much as Gilbert when it comes to details of what these random fucking movies are. So far you haven't gotten one wrong. Yeah, but I know. Okay. Gilbert, John Ritter.

John Ritter. I'm gonna say the devil. I'm gonna say Santa. Gilbert's got it. Fuck him! Would you fuck me? No. Stop trying. I'm going to me too you. Pound me too. Well, you know what I mean.

Literally pound. Yeah. That was in Holy Moses, the Dudley Moore and Lorraine Newman extravaganza. You remembered that, that John Ritter put? I remember, but I remember he was the devil. Very good, very good. I thought that was going to be a hard one.

I worked with Lorraine Newman in Problem Child 2. Yes, you did. I love Lorraine Newman. She's the best. She's a great girl. She's the best. So talented and sweet. Okay.

She's a Jew, you know. I know. Yeah. Just like you. But I like her and hate you, so I'm conflicted. I'm a conflicted anti-Semite. I'm staying out of this. Saltzman's hanging out.

Stay out of it. I love it. I love it. He's the best. Art Carney. Santa Claus. Yeah, absolutely. He was an alcoholic, Santa Claus.

Was it on the Twilight Zone? Well, he wasn't actual Santa. Yeah. He was a department store Santa Claus. Right. And he was an alcoholic. And he was fired from the job. He knows too much.

And he's sitting out on the street, and there's a little kid with him. I'll take that, although I was going for people who played actual Santa, not someone who played Santa Claus. In the great Santa Claus switch, and he's in The Night They Saved Christmas with Paul Williams. Oh, wow. Our friend Paul Williams, a TV movie. Okay, here's a couple of podcast guests. Paul Williams.

Yes. No, that wasn't a question. Chuck McCann. He played Santa. That's very good. Chuck McCann. He played Santa. That's very good. He had to. He was a kid show host. Songs about rainbows and what's on the other side.

That's the worst Kermit the Frog I've ever heard. Rainbows are visions, but only illusions. Rainbows have nothing to hide. What is that? What so amazing does keep them sarcastic? And what do they hope they might see? There's no stopping him. One day we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Beautiful. If I was the great acting coach Stella Adler, I would say, that's unclear. Unclear. Okay. Okay. Chuck McCann, you said played Santa. He did in a very retail Christmas. Oh, God. What about our friend Ed Asner, Gil? Oh, Santa. Okay. Chuck McCann, you said, played Santa. He did in a very retail Christmas. Oh, God.

What about our friend Ed Asner, Gil? Oh, Santa. Yes, in Elf. And three other projects. And another podcast guest. And he's a Jew. Jew Santa. Indeed.

Peter Fonda. Peter Fonda, devil. You're right, and the ghost writer. Well, he did a lot of drugs. He had to play the devil. Very good. I don't think you guys got one wrong. I did.

Go ahead. You got one wrong. Here are two actors. What do these two actors have in common? Sebastian Cabot and Mickey Rooney. They both played Santa Claus. Sebastian Cabot played Santa Claus in the TV remake of Miracle on 34th Street. Correct.

I remember that one. And Mickey Rooney played Santa Claus in The Year Without a Santa Claus. Demarlo Thomas? And in Santa Claus is Coming to Town. You are correct, sir. But there's more. I finally had some detail. Oh, God, what is it? I singled them out because they both also played the devil.

Oh, well, that makes sense. Sebastian Cabot played Pip in a Twilight Zone episode. Oh, that's right. A Nice Place to Visit. That's right. Was that the one with Carradine or... Oh, no, no, no, no! No! That's the one that takes

place in Las Vegas. Correct. And it's a gambler. Correct. Yes. And he played Santa in the Miracle on 34th Street remake on television. And, yeah, and Mickey Rooney played Pip in... And Rooney... That's right. One time I saw Mickey Rooney on a talk show when he was really old and

alcoholic and angry. And somebody said that somebody said Cary Grant was gay. And Mickey Rooney gets angry, kicks his foot up in the air and goes, oh, please. Cary Grant was as gay as my foot. I don't know what that meant. He had tiny feet.

Yes, they both, both Mickey Rooney and Sebastian Cabot played Santa Claus and the devil. Rooney played Santa three times in Santa Claus is Coming to Town, The Year Without played Santa Claus and the devil. Rooney played Santa three times in Santa Claus is Coming to Town, The Year Without a Santa Claus, and something else I didn't write down. I think it was, I think it was, is it, I don't know. Okay.

And he played the devil in The Private Lives of Adam and Eve with Mamie Van Doren. She's a Facebook friend of mine. She's alive, Mamie Van Doren? Oh my God, yeah. She is? We got to get her on here. She's in LA. of mine. She's alive, Mamie Van Doren? Oh, my God. She is? We got to get her on here. She's in L.A. You got to fly her in, you cheap fucks.

Now we'll do a... And Mel Torme and Paul Anka are also in that. Oh, God. Oh, wow. Okay, now group these people. Can you do a Mel Torme? No, I can't. Don't waste my time.

Go ahead. Here's a group of actors. Did this group play Santa, or did they play the devil? Oh, my God. And the group is Austin Pendleton, Robert Wagner, and Bryan Cranston. The devil. It seems like it would be the devil.

They were all Santas. Oh, geez. We both got that wrong. Yeah. And I'm very happy about that. And the other one, obviously, by default, Cheech Marin, George Burns, and Robert Goulet all played Satan. Well, that's great. You guys did very, very well.

I can't believe that Lon Chaney Jr. movie popped up. Well, there you go, Gil. You know, I live to surprise you. Well, I'm out of cards and gags. I'd like to sing a song. Perfect. That I sang 50 years ago on the Johnny Carson Show. And I wasn't in very good voice that night.

It was 1968. And I'd like to sing the song the way I really wanted it to be sung. So it's a marvelous Christmas song. And it's all for you please stay with me till after the holidays Then I can let you go Don't make me spend this Christmas alone After each marvelous Christmas we know. Won't you be kind and let me believe you're mine.

On New Year's Eve, just stay with me till after the holidays. I know it's hard, but try, try to pretend Till New Year's don't make me spend this Christmas alone After each marvelous Christmas we know Won't you be kind and let me believe you're mine on New Year's Eve. I know this is a very sad Christmas song, but with the state of affairs in this country lately, I really don't think it makes a difference. I really don't think it makes a difference. Please stay with me till after the holidays. I know it's hard, but try, try to pretend till New Year's.

Then we can say goodbye And that's the way you do it. That's so morbid. That's the most morbid Christmas song she actually sang. It was all right. I, excuse my. Nicely done. I should have, my throat's very, a little compromised tonight. Nicely done.

I apologize to the viewers. Nicely done. Beautiful. Yes. How did you find that? It's on YouTube. Yeah, it's on YouTube. She does it actually a step lower.

And she does it sitting. Oh, yeah, she does it. On the couch. Yeah, she does. Yeah, beautiful end. Mario, what's up? Plugs. Well, butt plugs. Mario, what's up? Plugs. Well, butt plugs.

Celebrity autobugger. No, you can't. It's over. That's over. I don't know. What's coming up? I have nothing coming up right now. Stand-up gigs.

No stand-up gigs. Okay. I'm reclusive lately. Okay. What's Jerry doing? I did do an episode of a Netflix show that's coming on in August, so hold your breath. Okay, that's a ways off. Yeah, that is. Jerry is

now in Seattle a lot. He goes back and forth a lot. He is the new artistic director of the Village Theater that's in Issaquah and is in Everett that are on either side of Seattle. It's a big theater. It's been there for 25 years. He's the new artistic director. He's directed

there off and on for 12 years. So he's there a lot, which I'm not happy about. But he's home a lot because he's a Tony voter. And we've seen everything for free. He's saved me $12,000 just so far. Will there be another one-man show at some point? I'm working. I do have producers

trying to get it done. We'll see. Seth, tell us about your work with Why Hunger and Harry Chapin's organization. Yeah, Why Hunger is an organization started by Harry Chapin and Bill Ayers in the 1970s trying to get at the root causes of hunger, which is poverty.

If people had enough money, they wouldn't be hungry. So instead of, there are many great organizations that do a lot of great work in feeding people and getting groceries out and food banks. We're kind of working the other side of the street in the food movement to really get at the root causes, help community farms. We have a hunger hotline where people can call in and find food. So we're great with connecting people to food.

Yeah. And give the website. The website is whyhunger.org, and we're right now in the middle of our hunger thon, uh, campaign, which by the time this is on, it'll be on the 24th.

It goes through the end of the month, but, uh, go to why hunger.org donate and, um, help us out and, uh, do good things.

Important cause. Thank you. I'm so glad you came. Me too. Cantone. What can I say to you? Oh, I don't know.

I want to thank two people, Michael Dopkins and Krista Rose, who helped with the research. For you. As they should. Just for you. I will be back next year when he's replaced. Anybody. Anybody.

I don't care. Okay, Gil. Bring Artie Shaw back from the dead And have him swing a band Something This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast With my co-host Frank Santopadre And our special guest

Today as has been With every Christmas, is the man who taught me everything I know about pussy, Mario Cantone. I did. Before he was married, I was his side man. I got him laid constantly. Thank you, Mario. Thank you, Seth. Thank you, Seth. Thank you, Gilbert. I love you.

I love you guys. Merry Christmas. Great to be here. God bless us all. God bless us, everyone. Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast is produced by Dara Gottfried and Frank Santapadre with audio production by Frank Verderosa.

Web and social media is handled by Mike McPadden, Greg Pair and John Bradley Seals. Special audio contributions by John Beach. Special thanks to John Fodiatis, John Murray and Paul Rayburn. We'll be right back. Thank you.