Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 25. Bob Saget

Episode Date: November 17, 2014

In one of our more...er..."free-spirited" episodes, Gilbert's old pal BOB SAGET drops by the historic Friars Club to plug his New York Times bestseller "Dirty Daddy" and to look back on his early days in the biz, his 8-year gig as a wholesome sitcom patriarch and his friendships with Rodney Dangerfield and Don Rickles. Also, Bob starts his own hate society, dreams about Buddy Hackett and Buddy Ebsen and grills Gilbert about his most memorable "casting couch" experiences. PLUS: Sam Kinison as the Messiah! Gilbert as "Weezie" Jefferson! Asian Elvis! Perfecto Telles! And the first joke Bob ever wrote! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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and enter promo code Gilbert149 to get your $1.49.com today. Go Daddy! It's go time! time. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, at the Friars Club. You all know our next guest as one of the most beloved TV dads in sitcom history, but I know him as a foul-mouthed, perverted scumbag. Ladies and gentlemen,

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from a company that already swears by Xero. Xero, beautiful accounting software. that already swears by zero. Zero, beautiful accounting software. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, here at the Friars Club,

and we're here with Bob Saget, who is finally going to confirm that his co-star, Dave Coulier, had his dick sucked by Alanis Morissette in a movie theater. That didn't happen there. And his name is Coulier. It's a silent R and a loud dick and a silent R. They never, that song that Alanis wrote was about three clothes. I hate to remind you.

Right. Of all the things that you did to me and all that. But it was a... She was cool about it all, you know, because she was cool about everybody that she's ever slept with. So I don't know what that means. But she... It was like three guys.

The song was a composite of three different guys. So she did date Dave for a little bit. And it was a composite of three different guys. She did date Dave for a little bit, and it wasn't ever in a movie theater. They did not. But she did call him during dinner one time. So that's about as much gossipy stuff as I do. So she did suck his dick, but just not in a movie theater. I don't know if she did that either. I actually do not have any proof.

There's no little give a show projector things. What are those things called? Viewmasters. Oh, yeah. If they would have made the 3D Viewmasters of that,

Dave's penis in different cities. At the 64 World's Fair. Yeah. That would have been great in that giant world of tomorrow. Yeah, it would be great. So they've just dated for a little bit So I don't know about them

You're very graphic on the show I know you a very long time You don't normally use any language I'm sorry, you don't usually have any language barriers I don't have any language skills Do you know any language besides English? No Do you know English?

No Do you know any language besides English? No. Do you know English? No. Do you like Gladiator movies? Before Your Beautiful Wife, who is the person that you would say would be your romantic song that you would be upset they wrote about? Is that even a sentence? There's no commas in it. There's nothing. My affair with Dave Kool, yay. Did nothing ever happen with Pudgy?

Anybody? A Pudgy reference. Well, Tony Fields and Gilbert. There was something. With her leg and without it. But you actually understand when the horrible thing happened to her that she used you as one of her legs. Did Judy Gold ever punch you in the face for no apparent reason? I like Judy Gold. Let's see who else.

Kathy Griffin, do you like him? Oh, God. She's a fryer Yes she is Put her in a skillet A little butter She is Foster Farms What comedians do you hate

Besides present company I Present company is that new improv group And I just don't like them Because they only say no They don't No and I don't like them because they only say no. They don't. No and. I don't really hate anybody that I don't.

I just don't have any time for hate anymore. You don't either. You don't even hate anybody. I don't think you do. Yeah. I don't know. I'm practically Mr. Rogers. You are, actually.

He needs a sweater and a death certificate. You are, actually. He needs a sweater and a death certificate. Well, who do I hate? I don't really have any, I don't have time to hate anybody. I'm trying to just do my own stuff. I'm working on a bunch of things. Most of them deal with hate.

There's societies that I'm joining. I'm starting my own hate society. I hate hate. I'm trying to wipe out hate. Oh, I'm i'm sorry i apologize i'm just trying to wipe myself i got confused i'm trying to wipe i'm trying to wipe out cake you get i ate a lot of cake and i can't get it to stop so it's uh you know it's got drainage so i i'm wiping out cake when do you think you'll know i don't i don't what's your next question when do you think you'll need someone to... No, I don't. What's your next question? When do you think you'll need someone to help you wipe?

Oh my goodness. It could have been like days ago. I actually need a professional wiper. I would actually think of getting a little guy like... What's in Harry Potter movie? Dobby? Dobbly? Dobby Gillish? Dobby Gillish.

You guys don't know any references that are after 2002. You guys don't know any references that are after 2002. Well, had you said Billy Barty... You only can name people. Had you said Billy Barty, we'd be right there with you. Dobie, Dobie. There's a guy, someone... What was that German midget who was in Freaks and...

Oh, I know who you mean. That's my point. How about Zelda Rubinstein from Poltergeist? Oh, yes, yes. Did she work? She's dead. She went toward the dark. She did.

She was little. Yeah. But yeah, I think there's a major construction going on all of a sudden. We're in New York City, and that's the beauty of being at the Friars Club, is someone just starts drilling into someone's head. That's it. Working into the show. There was an Italian midget, Rosario or something.

Rosario Dawson? Yeah, okay. That's who I meant. You lost me. Rose Marie. Rosario Marie. Do you guys know anybody that was born after Rose Marie? No.

No. Name your favorite little person from 1921. We were talking about Rudy Valli when you walked in. Wow. I can't name anyone who was in talkies. Wow. You play theaters still that are like 1911 theaters. I sometimes go into those. Oh, yes. And do you feel

at home? They still have the organ player during my act. No, that's just a homeless guy that lives in the pit. They do have the organ. Do they play the organ? Do they play the organ during your act? I play with my organ. Thank you.

Have you ever played the mouth organ? Yeah. You've seen a grown man naked, right? Several times. I usually pay extra. At the old theater? Yes. You ever been into a geek, you know where those places are where the geeks, the chicken geeks, what's that? Yes, yes, chicken

geeks. It's called chicken geeks. Is that a restaurant? Do you remember the movie where Tyrone Power played a geek? With the midget German person? Is that a film noir? Yeah, Nightmare Alley. Nightmare Alley. Nightmare Alley. He was a

geek. And it has that famous closing line where she, the girl goes, how can a man drop so low? And someone else says, maybe he reached too high. That's really good. That's powerful. That's why I watch movies now. Yes. Did you see Birdman, the Michael Keaton movie?

Just saw it. No. Did you like it? Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was a little claustrophobic. Right. Well, I feel that way about this interview.

But I mean, I'm going to sneak through the air vents like Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men in a minute. So you wanted to be a comedian at one point. I don't think. When I was in medical school, I think I was begging to be. It's always reverse psychology. I wanted to be a kleptomaniac, but I kept giving to people. I guess.

Is it true an English teacher encouraged you to go into performing? She touched me when I was in class. Let's see where this interview is headed. She said, you let me do this or I'll tell people you're a comedian. I was going to go to pre-med, and then she influenced me. And she was killed not long after. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, by people that said, why do you recommend he go into combat?

And they were outraged. It was a whole neighborhood watch thing. Now, for about a year, we were sending emails back and forth to each other. None of which, of of course we can speak about yes yes that's what I wanted to bring up you fucking pussy no actually

by the way those two things together I would settle for right now but I no the thing was they had no holes barred and we were just talking to each other but we were also like aristocrats the idea of that is that we're in the alley, nobody's listening. But if you start an email trail, you know, you can give that to the government.

I would have turned us both in. It was very, very funny. a lot of, it was a run on about Dan Frank and a lot of stuff about the Holocaust and then a lot of stuff about anything else that's much worse to say than anything I just said. Knowing Gilbert, that's shocking. That's the passable stuff that you say. I'm allowed to say that.

There was stuff on there that I don't even want to say what area it dove. Doved? Yeah, dove. Dived. It would have ended with a very, like a queef in a puddle. Yeah. It was kind of like, because I remember for a brief time we were talking about putting it out as a book. I wanted to call it my conversations with Gottfried. Kind of like my conversations with God, but see, no one even knows that reference now.

But it was very, very funny. And I actually gave it to one of my managers. And he said, you guys are going to get in really big trouble. And the publisher, you can make it yourself. I know it's hard to believe, but I listened to his guidance. And then years later, I looked at it, and I believe his guidance is correct. I believe we're protected. There's other things we could talk about, too, that we obviously have been thinking about.

But that's also a dark area, which was a comedian who used to sing something in his act that we thought was. Oh, yes. He's a very funny comedian who was an impressionist. Yes, yes. That was Raglan, Larry Raglan. Larry Raglan, who I had met at Catch a Rising Star, and then he moved out to L.A., and I had moved out to L.A., and you knew him from here, right?

Yes, yeah. And he sang some songs. Do you remember? Is there any memory of Larry Raglan? I remember Dennis Blair was a musical comedian. Yes, this was Larry Raglan. Larry was more of a Merv Griffin type act. Larry would sing this.

Today I thought I saw a dummy in the window but it was you wearing a new dress as usual trying to look your You wearing a new dress as usual.

Trying to look your best. Impossible. Cause with you, it's not really what you wear. Why don't you wash your face? How did I miss this? I don't think he said, I'm going to record this right now. This went on, but let me explain.

We had dinner. We had dinner in LA. We were talking about all the comedians we knew who were gone and some that weren't happened to, but most of them passed away in some way. And this gentleman was an impressionist and

Gilbert claims that he goes to show with this. And Larry was a musical comedian. He did impressions. He did a great Sammy Davis Jr. He did a lot of stuff. And then I went to dinner with Jeff Ross one night. And Gilbert just started singing. And then he did it again the next night.

Norm MacDonald came there there and he was like Oh great, I walked into an inside joke for three hours And then one night, Whitney Cummings had heard the song And brought Gilbert to meet myself and my daughters at my hotel To sing it I'm just going to hit record on my iPhone Because if you just do it one more time And with feeling And I'll send this to That record on my iPhone because if you just do it one more time and with feeling.

Okay. I'll send this to. That one wasn't with feeling? Well, not as much now because now we know. The question is, if anybody loves comedy and is listening, do you know who Larry Ragland was and did he sing this song? Yes. That's the big question. Okay. So I'm recording.

Okay. This is Larry Ragland on Gilbert Gottfried's, what's the name of this podcast? The Amazing Colossal Podcast. The Amazing Colossal Podcast. Your impression of what you believe. Gilbert, do you believe that Larry Ragland sang this song at a show?

And remember, you're under oath. That's right. Raise your arm. Okay, it's all you. Today, I thought I saw a dummy in the window. in the window I looked and it was you wearing a new

dress as usual trying to look your best impossible cause with you it's not really what you wear why don't

you wash your face? It's a disgrace. Today I thought I saw a bear in the garden. But it was you eating a beach chair. A yellow one. The red, white, and blue one you already ate. And although you're 60 pounds overweight, I don't care. I'm glad you're there. Today I thought

I smelt something awful in the kitchen, but it was you. It was her. You didn't take a shower. No, you couldn't have.

You should bathe every hour. I keep telling you. And although I can hardly breathe, it's also true. I still love you. Today I thought I saw a dummy in the window but it was you I never heard the end of that

that's fantastic if I had to let you keep going that's the end so he's he sang that right that was his big thing yes it's beautiful any of that sound accurate Bob So he sang that, right? He sang that. That was his big thing. Yes.

It's beautiful. Did any of that sound accurate, Bob? The first half I'd heard before. What? The first half I'd heard before, but the bear eating the chairs. That was new. That's a very, that's a, now, do you think he actually did that? He did do that.

That was his act, Larry Ragland. And he said something else famous that we both heard him say. I used to say this a lot. No, I don't think he did. No. No, I don't think he said it. No. No, he didn't. No, I'm not think he said it. No, he didn't.

I'm not going to be negative. He said quite a number of times when he'd be angry at someone, shut my ass. Well, I did hear him say that one time. Really? I heard him say it a number of times. You did? Well, I heard it once.

Because he was, rightfully so, he had been insulted. That was his retort. Because someone said something, and he was a very lovely guy. Did we lose Larry? Oh, yeah, we lost Larry. I think we might have just misplaced him. You know when

we never heard from him again? When? Today. He didn't have a dummy in his act. No. He saw the dummy in the window, but it wasn't the dummy. It was her. Yes. See, it's a very intricate song. It is. It paints a picture.

It's like a Randy Newman song. It's like a little movie. I just like it. So I think if we almost... There's more stuff that we've gone through that has nothing to do with any questions. So Bob Hope hated the Jews, didn't he? I don't know, but he's in a big club. He owns the Valley.

I mean, if a person of the Jewish persuasion wants to open a jewelry shop, they probably have to deal with someone. Bob Hope's friend's kid. Now, now realtor person. The Valley is owned by Bob Hope, Bing Crosby,

Gene Autry, Gene Autry, Fred McMurray. Yeah. Fess Parker went into Santa Barbara. Yeah, we talked about Fess Parker with Bernie Coppell. Oh, yes. About buying up real estate.

Have you ever talked to anyone that's been born in the last 20 years? You have to have hardening of the arteries to be on this show. No, to be on this show. Hardening of the arteries. You know, I've heard about it. Hardening of the arteries. You know, I've heard about it. But is that where your arteries get so hard the blood can't get through them?

I think it just means they get filled up with plaque. Like an award of some kind? No, Ed Plack, who was on Get Smart. Ed Plack. Was that Chief? Yeah, that was a pun. His name was Ed Plack. Oh, yeah, yeah, that was a pun. His name was Ed Platt. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

That's what I thought. Yes. You could have changed it to Platt for the purpose. Yes. Most people do not know. I'm going to put that up on my Twitter. Bob, I want to know now. I watched your Twitter last night.

You said some lovely things. Some good things on there. A lot of celebrities jumping off of things. I was doing a whole hour of tweets on Matt Damon for some reason. It was cute. Yes. I'm just glad he's not related to the tsunami family. I don't know why people give you such a hard time.

They don't really, but they do. And they do me too. They have an image of me that I say were terrible things. And isn't it better to say them than to be all these other people that just go out and, like, act all nice for 40 years, and then they're all doing all weird stuff in supermarkets to people? And I also feel like if you wear a ribbon or a T-shirt of a certain color— The servicemen will come home eventually? Yes, yes.

All diseases will be cured, and you're a good person for it. I agree that the ribbon can cure disease. Yes. Well, a ribbon cured AIDS. Well, it did because I tied it around my penis. And that kept my penis from infecting anyone else. You should tie a yellow ribbon around your butthole so when the servicemen come home from the Korean War, they're able to... Well, it was the Vietnam War, I guess, tie a yellow ribbon, right?

No, it was the Iranian hostages, actually. No. To tie a yellow ribbon. Yeah, because that was the 70s. For the purposes of this show, we should make it the Civil War for the purposes. You know, this is interesting because Tony Orlando fucked me in the ass. That's funny that you say that. I actually wouldn't let him

I mean, I don't think he could now. And if he did that with you, can I be honest? And this is not criticizing you in any way, you would need to be standing on an apple box. It's true. Or he would have needed to have fallen out of the top bunk onto you. I mean, how can that happen? Knock three times on my anus if you want me.

Now, speaking of Tony Orlando. I use Dawn dishwashing. Tony Orlando, yeah. Tony Orlando. I have no idea what that's going to lead to. Was hosting the night with a Friars event that I was performing at when Shecky Green went totally out of his mind. Which time was that? What did Shecky do?

Well, I was on stage doing stuff I usually do, my type of material. And I didn't hear about this till afterwards, till like Joy Behar went on stage. And it was supposed to be Shecky Green was supposed to go on, but he wasn't there. And she said, oh, that fucking Shecky. What's what's wrong with that guy? And I heard Shecky Green said he was so offended by what I was saying. He stormed out. He tried to punch Freddie Roman and Stewie Stone.

Instead of you? Yes. Well, he's at that point in his head. And I was amazed that Jackie Green could walk, let alone throw a punch. And why would you want to hit Stewie Stone? Yeah, really? You'd want to stone him.

Just so his name could have some meaning. And he tore up his friar's car, apparently. Well, he tried to tear it up, but he didn't have enough strength. I see him in eight nows now and then. He has the cottage cheese. So he's not that tough. And by the way, he says he acted crazy his whole career. He does talk about it.

He drove that car into the fountain. Was it Caesars? Yeah. We had him on the show very briefly. We had him on. He agreed to do the podcast. And you sang that song? Yes, I sang it. Everybody

who's been on this show asked for that song. Wait, you've had other people on the show? Because it does feel like I'm in a room where I'm a prisoner of war. This feels like I'm in a room where I'm a prisoner of war. This feels like I am in an embassy and I'm never going to see anybody again. Welcome to my life, Bob.

You do this all the time? All the time. Prisoners of war are treated much nicer. So they're not anally raped. Why did you describe yourself as a serial liar as a kid? I was. I just couldn't.

I hated cereal. And so I would deny lucky charms are not lucky. And I'm not cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And nothing's magically delicious unless it's me and the girl says okay. But I, yeah, I lied a lot. I didn't want to get in trouble, all that strong Jewish mother kind of stuff that I wanted to become when I got older. I wanted to be a Jewish mother really bad so that I could, I don't know, not be able to breastfeed. And the first joke you wrote was? I was allergic to my mother's breast milk.

Really? Really. That's what she tells me. That's what she said. And I think she was right because one time she tried to squirt a hole out in my face and I broke out in hives. That's what she said. And I think she was right, because one time she tried to squirt a hole out in my face, and I broke out in hives. That's just for Gilbert. That was literally just for you, because why would

anyone, why would I say that to anyone? I couldn't sell it to an audience that paid a ticket. Why would they want to hear it? They wouldn't laugh at that. I just buried my mother, actually. She's alive. There's nowhere else you can do that.

It's a difficult relationship. There's nowhere to do that. It's very difficult. We're still talking. I gave her a swirly straw. The first joke you wrote was something about your mom, wasn't it? I think so. It wasn't even a joke.

It was a riff. Oh, actually, yeah, you're right. God, you know stuff, and you have cards, and you worked. Put a little effort into it. It's kind of pointless, but I try. Wow. The joke was my mother said, when you grow up, not everybody is going to like you. And I said, I need names.

It's a good joke. And I actually do have them now. Thanks to Twitter and stuff, you know who doesn't like you. You can tell. Do you block people on Twitter, Gilbert? Oh, yes. I didn't know you could do it. You know who told me about blocking people on Twitter?

I'll drop a name here. Please. Are they alive? Here's nine dead people I talked to today. Dennis Wolfberg. I love Dennis Wolfberg. He was brilliant. We should only say names of dead people we didn't care for.

I love him, too. Dennis Wolfberg was lovely. He was brilliant. We should only say names of dead people we didn't care for. I love him, too. Dennis Wilford was lovely. He was great. From Law and Order. Was it Ice-T? Oh, Ice-T. Ice-T. Ice-T told me about blocking people.

He did? Yeah. Well, that's smart advice, to not let negative things into your life that hurt your feelings. Because I know that you've gotten a couple times your feelings hurt and it's not been fair. I've had the same thing happen. People say something and you go, what? I did not have sex with your sister against her will.

And here's the picture. I think we're being attacked now, but it's possible that we're in Switzerland and I am a prisoner of war. I'm in Argo. I'm never. Ben Affleck's going to come here and try to get me to escape from this podcast.

Do you know Just Recently? Yes, I know him. He's great. He's one of my favorite. He's a brand new comedian. He just called himself Just Recently. Do you know his sister, This Just In? Just in case.

Is that what newscasters say when they're fucking their wife? This just in. This just in. You know what I say is that we've got to go to a break. I'll be right back, right after I finish. And then I don't come back. Because it takes so long to towel off because I am so massive in my expulsion.

It's good to be in here in a room with dead people. Look at the walls. We should point out we're in the Ed Sullivan room surrounded by pictures of dead people. With Danny Thomas. You know what Danny Thomas is famous for? Yeah, Make Room for Duty, one of the

best shows I've ever on. There you go. But he was, honestly, that show was a great show. Make Room for Daddy was the name. Yes, yes. And I acted with him once. He acted. I was just on it.

I was on It's a Living, that show. Oh, with Ann Jillian? Yeah, and Danny Thomas was guesting on it. Did Danny Thomas ask you to shit on him? No, no, no. But I was so bad at the acting that it was equivalent. Danny Thomas was guesting on it. Did Danny Thomas ask you to shit on him? No, no, no. But I was so bad at the acting that it was equivalent. So figuratively, you did. Yeah.

He said, thanks for shitting on me with your dialogue. And he paid you extra. Actually, he wanted me to talk to him through a glass tray. That's not a nice rumor, by the way. That's how rumors get started. You do something like that one time and people talk about you. Of course, apparently, I've told the story on about 12 of the podcasts. Only three.

That Danny Thomas liked to hire hookers. Some say black hookers. I don't know. It depends. And he liked to... Let me ask you. You've gone into this lovely area. Yes, yes.

Would you say that most hookers, would you pick a nationality or a race for most hookers just to get you into trouble? Oh, no. I heard black hookers. I mean, in general. I'm saying in general. Of all hookers on the earth, what would you say the biggest, if you were charting all the hookers on the earth, what would you say? Well, I know like those massage ballers. Those are Olasian usually.

Right. You know about that. Yes. Well, no, I read about it in U.S. News and World Report. It's interesting that the people that are honored with that mention probably can't read. Yeah. You know what I like is that their construction all stopped, which means that your sound guys are going to be able to cut out all that stuff about Danny Thomas because the sound was unusable. That's what they're going to tell you.

We've covered it in other shows. Yeah. See, because Danny Thomas used to hire black hookers or white hookers, and he'd lie under a glass coffee table, and they'd shit on the table. Do we know this, Gilbert? Yes. How do we know this, Gilbert? Yes. How do we? It was on 60 Minutes. Morally safe for coverage.

I'm not into poop at all, and it would take a lot less than 60 minutes if that was happening. You got 12 seconds. Let me ask you another question. I've been wanting to ask you this. We went to dinner, and Gilbert was wearing a jacket because he needed to wear a jacket, he thought, and someone at the hotel gave you a jacket. So it was a little larger than a normal jacket. I looked like, yeah.

You looked like you lost a lot of weight. You looked like quickly. And I asked you questions about your life. Now, no one has interviewed Gilbert on here. Have they? Have they asked him his history? No, he's done other podcasts, though. Where he's talked about his childhood.

Not so much. We know very little about him. I asked you these questions like this, if I may, if I think it's okay. Okay. I said, Gilbert, historically, was any of your family in the Holocaust? Because I try to figure out comedians and how much, because we all come from pain because we all come from pain. We all come from stuff.

So what's the answer now? Did you have any family that was in that tragic time? No, my father was an SS officer. Right. And he designed Dachau. So your dad was on their side. Yeah, but I was proud of him because he served in the Army. He was a self-starter.

Yes. He had a startup. They take longer. Do you still have his costume? It's Halloween. So you had no family in that. None that I know of. Did you have family in the Holocaust? I hope so.

There were supposedly a cousin of mine. My father told me my cousins somebody got their tongue cut out. Oh no. Yeah, doing some of my early stuff. For real. It doesn't get any more

tragic. So I stopped making those kind of jokes until today. But you were not a child of grandparents or parents? No, none that I know. So how do you explain your comedy darkness? That's my question. Because you go to a place of complete darkness, and then you go into rooms where there's nothing but dead people on the walls.

Who, him? It's like House of Usher. It is. And he's talented. Yes. So what is your process? What do you think is how you got here? I don't know.

It is very dark. Luckily, I've never gotten in trouble for it or lost work. Knock wood. Well, what about when you were a little kid, at five or six, were you in trouble for saying the wrong thing? I don't remember it that much. But you do know that you never,

you probably could analyze yourself to say you don't like to be told by authority what you can and can't say. And that immediate response to that is the worst thing you could possibly say. Yeah. It was just like. I have that gene, unfortunately.

One thing we've done together a few times is the roast. Don't say her name. The worst thing is to be. Alanis Morissette. Well, it wasn't her. It was her sister. But the worst thing is to be with another woman and to look up and see Gilbert's face. That's.

I can't imagine. And he's singing, Today I thought I saw a dummy in the window. Now, what woman wouldn't be aroused by that? See, I go to dark places. Well, I mean, certain neighborhoods. Oh, man.

You know, you mentioned the roast. We have to talk about the Bob Saget roast and Gilbert's line about it. It was an amazing thing. Your reaction. Yeah, go ahead. I was just going to say, I watched it last night, and your response when he's talking about Bob Saget. I can't even do it.

Rape and killed a girl in 1990. Yeah, he was saying Bob Saget raped and killed a girl in 1990. And you were objecting to anybody that would spread that rumor. I was saying, and it's not true that Bob Saget raped and killed a girl in 1990. And you said it's absolutely not true, right? And if you have proof. Yeah, that Bob Saget raped a girl in 1990, raped and killed a girl in 1990, then come forward.

And then tell you the problem with me as a human being is a lot of people yell all different stuff at me. Some of it is from family stuff I've done, and a lot of it is from things that have not been family stuff. That is something that people will put virally on Twitter or on Facebook. You're kidding. Or on Instagram and I can't

block it. The reason is I can't go, hey, come on, I didn't do that. Gilbert said that in a roast. You can't deny and I also can't remove it because it's a comedic bit. So it stays within my Twitter universe. And that's just incredibly upsetting. I remember.

But you're defending me. You're saying that I specifically did not. It is untrue that Bob Saget raped and killed a girl in 1990. You could do it with anybody's name. Yes. You could give a whole defamatory. But in your case, it's true. That I did not.

Rape. It is not true that Bob Saget raped and killed a girl in 1990. By the way, I am not capable. I actually had a dream once. I was doing a college tour. This is true. It was 19 billion years ago. It was 1978.

I was on a comedy store college tour. You were living out here in New York, and you were doing catch and clubs. Go to Cleveland. Did you go do those clubs? Oh, all those horrible things. Yeah, so I was doing all those things. And I was in some college, and I had a nightmare. This guy, this mountain man, wanted to have sex with me.

And he did before I went to bed, and I was scared that he was waking me up in the middle of the night, and I dreamt a joke situation was, hey, Bob, first I'm going to rape you, and then I'm going to kill you. And I remember the punchline I woke up going, you wouldn't mind reversing that, would you? So that's, I mean, after you're gone, it doesn't matter as much what someone does to you. I don't think. That's what I would like to know the moment you go.

And I might go before you. But just in case in our lives, you could be 90 or something, but if I found out, Gilbert, that you passed away, I would appreciate a call and then I would just, I would like to, as you're gone, and just, I don't want to say the R word, but I'll just say it.

While you're deceased, if I could just real quick rape you before they put your body on display. Get online, Bob. But at the Shiva, you know, you don't even have the body there. But at the home, when they have all the people, you're on your back anyway. So no one's going to see all the problems that are physically going on with what's left of you. Well, this brings us to my next question.

Did you ever try to rape a girl, not been able to get an erection, and then wind up killing her out of frustration? Well, again, I must tell you... Do we have a caller? I must tell you I've never... I'm not capable of either killing anyone

or raping them. I'm not capable. I'm not... So, yeah, I would have panic, but I just want to be very clear, Gilbert. It'm not capable. So, yeah, I would have panic. But I just want to be very clear, Gilbert. It's not even a mental adjustment that I could make. I couldn't even try to do either of those things. Say, for example, I was in the park. And I all of a sudden saw you, Gilbert.

And I was excited to see you. And then I look and I see that you're molesting someone you're on you're with somebody's family or something and you're going at them i would probably try i would try to stop it and i wouldn't want to get you in trouble because that's the last thing you need but i would maybe pull you off of them you know well that brings us to my next question. Another joke I said during your roast. Yeah, there's some good ones. The Olsen twins walk into a bar.

The Olsen twins walk into a bar. They say, give us an ass hurts. And the bartender says, how do you make an answer? And they say, well, Bob Saget hands you a chocolate. And you wake up an hour later with your pajamas around your neck. See, these are my friends, too. So that and I was sitting there just being not sensitive to it. Your reaction is wonderful. Did you ever fuck either of the Olsen twins?

Well, as a verb, absolutely not. And as a figurative use of the word, no, I never did anything either to hurt their creative process. I love them. Now, let me ask. It would be like saying to you, do you have any cousins or nieces or nephews that you've ever done anything with? Oh, yes. Yeah, I'll give you a list. Yeah, you have?

So you've violated a lot of your... Usually over the Jewish holidays. So have you not been getting invited to Yom Kippur? Or the 10 days of repentance you look at differently? No. But your podcast, I mean, I don't want to offend your listeners. As Jeff Ross would say, what listeners? Tell us a little bit about Sam Kinison, speaking of the old stand-up days.

He was, well, I met him. He had not been out to L.A. yet. I was working at a place called The Laugh Stop in Houston. You ever play there? Oh, yes, yeah. A nice room owned by another club owner. And then the other club owner that owned the comedy workshop would not let Sam Kennison work there anymore.

So Sam, who had been doing kind of faith healing shows, he was like the movie Leap of Faith. He was doing that whole... With Marjo Gartner. Well, no, but that's what it's based on He was doing that whole. With Marjo Gartner. Well, no, but that's what it's based on. Sort of, yeah, like Marjo Gartner. Leap of Faith was a Steve Martin movie, I think. Oh, and that's where Liam Neeson is doing his Southern Sheriff.

Is that true? I think so. Is Liam Neeson in that as a Southern Sheriff? I'm just glad you mentioned someone on the 20th century. We'll get researchers. By the way, that's something that, no, I'm not going to say century. We'll get researchers. By the way, that's something that, uh,

no, I'm not going to say it. Uh, it was going to have a reference of not without my daughter, but that wouldn't, uh, I didn't have a setup for that to be the punchline. So the story was,

Sam was not allowed to go up at this club anymore. And so he was so pissed at the guy, uh, that he put himself in a, uh, he dressed himself as Jesus. He put on a diaper and he had a crown of thorns and he chained himself to a telephone pole in front of the comedy workshop. And the Houston Chronicle took a picture of it and put it in the, like their

lifestyle section or whatever the hell. And it was just saying that he was being persecuted just like Jesus, that he wasn't allowed to work a comedy club. And it got him a lot of press. And it was just funny to see. And he had his eyes rolling back. I mean, it was horrific. You would have enjoyed it. And then a couple months later, he moved down to L.A. And I remember that I was with Mitzi, the owner of the comedy store,

and I said, this guy's very good. But he was already, once Sam took the stage, that was all back and forth. It was one of the Dangerfield Young Comics specials where he really came to where he really exploded. Oh, you were on that one. I was on that one, yeah. I was on right before Sam, and I had a very long set, but for some reason it got cut down a lot, and Sam's got engorged.

And Sam was pretty brilliant, because his material was, mine was like, my mother's Gumby, my father's Pokey, and Sam was like, you know, the starving kid in the pit right cameraman moved to where the food is the starving man can starving kid can be given a sandwich by the camera operator and that was and then moved to where the food is but the but it was like a really smart observation that we hadn't really heard before and uh and then he screamed a

lot were you friendly with him uh i i like and off, I used to run into him. I remember two things that were my connection with him was in Esquire, the guy did a thing of the funniest comedians, and both of us were in it, both me and Kennison. And on that night, I got in trouble at the, not the Grammys, the Emmys. I did a whole bit on Pee Wee Herman jerking off in the theater. Did you act it out? Yes.

Yeah, I said if masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row. And I got in trouble doing a whole bit on Pee Wee Herman masturbating. And after it was over, they bleeped it. They were running back and forth yelling. And I run into Sam Kennison afterwards. And he is crying, laughing, because everyone was worried about him. They all thought he was going to be the one that's going to cause trouble. And he did it perfectly professional and high-cost trouble. And I remember that was, I always remember that. And it's a shame, actually.

Well, nothing really now. It's like nothing to mention it. Oh, yeah. But the bad thing is Paul Rubens, he got a bum deal. Well, he got a, wanted a bum deal. one little bum deal. But I mean, somebody jerking off in a movie theater today is just, that's

like nothing. Where do you even find a movie theater showing porn anymore? I wish I was in one right now. Prisoner of war hostage situation. Have you called my family to let them know that I'm here? You're familiar with George Maharis.

Don't go down this. Okay. Why do you need that? George Maharis. He was arrested. He started in Route 66. Yeah. Very handsome guy.

And he ended up in the Hershey Highway. Very good. He was arrested. Is this the Perfecto Tellez story? Yes, yes, yes. We didn't have TMZ back then. He was arrested in a men's room in a gas station with Perfecto Tellez. He was a celebrity hairstylist.

Oh, oh, Perfecto Tellez. I didn't know what he did for a living. I thought it was that. He was like the Sir Monty Rock III of his day. So one of my favorite actors was George Maharis. Yes. I heard that George Maharis was arrested in a men's room, a gas station men's room. Why does it sound like you're singing that song to me when you talk?

A gas station men's room. But it was you. And he was blowing Perfecto Telly. Which is not even a person's name. Yes, it is. He was a hairdresser to the stars. Yes, and George Morris was blowing him in a Mentor. I think in New Mexico.

Oh, that's what's so sketchy about it. That explains it. Did you ever blow Perfecto Tell tellies in a men's room? That's never that good. You're speaking Esperanto right now? Have you ever signed someone's face with a Sharpie and then just continued to just draw all kinds of other symbols on their face? Did you ever do what they do in those movies where you draw

a penis on someone's face? Have you ever done that? But not with drawing it, but just put your penis on someone's face? Didn't you guys do that on the Full House set? Yeah, I did. You read the book. I read the book. My book, can I plug my book?

No, sorry. You said it just came out in paperback, right, Bob? It did. It just came out in paperback. No, we don't want to talk about that. We don't want him to get anything that I'm doing. What's the name of your last book? You just had a book.

Rubber Balls and Liquor. Yeah, and it's a good book. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, people like it. You did the foreword, a blurb for it. I said, please don't read this. No, it's a very funny book. Oh, thank you.

You're welcome. You can get it on GilbertGodfrey.com. My whore-out moment is that my book, you know the name of my book? Blowing Perfecto Tellies in a Men's Room? That's the byline. It's called Dirty Daddy. The Chronicles of a Family Man Turned Filthy Comedian.

I don't even think I'm a filthy comedian, but that's what the publishers liked, and I didn't veto it because they say it sells books. And evidently it does. It's a New York Times bestseller, which I don't know who got paid off. Some sketchy shit happened. And you mention me in it so I do. I mentioned you quite a bit. Well, not a lot, but I thought about you a lot while I was writing it. I said your name a lot and I ejaculated out windows. Speaking of which, one of the stories and I heard one time a bird screamed.

While ejaculating out of a window. You accidentally hit George Maharis. No. I hit no one that's been dead for years. The only thing I hit was a bird and the other people by the bus stop that I just randomly... George is still with us. George is with us. Oh, he's alive?

George Maharis. So you may have, in fact, your cum may have hit George Mahara. I've never heard anyone say your cum to me, ever. No one has ever given it to me as a noun and made it something that exists. Well, next time you're jerking off, imagine my face saying your cum. I'm doing it right now. One of the stories in the book is you going to see an Elvis impersonator with Stamos. I'm sorry, who are you?

I just... This is my Regis film. I'm Joey Bidger. I should live so long. You're Jack Shelton. Jack Arthur Treacher. You spent the night with Stamos?

I did one time. It's all in the book, Dirty Daddy, HarperCollins. Rubber balls and ludes. Rubber balls and liquor. You can order an autographed copy on GilbertGodfrey.com. And do it now and you get the feta. And some, what's this called, this stuff? Pita bread.

It's just pita bread, yeah. Yeah, you get that. Help yourself, by the way. Yeah, Stamos and I were in Vegas once, and we were seeing an Elvis impersonator, and it was kind of weird because he was a little Asian guy, which was interesting, and he was very, very good. And then I drank too much, and we went up to John's room,

and I couldn't leave. I don't drink like that anymore, but I did a long time ago. And he had to feed me and cut up my food and then he took off my shoes and he put me in bed. I was clothed. And then I went to bed and I woke up in the morning and we were

next to each other in bed. It was like playing trains and automobiles. I know this is very PG for the show. Wasn't Dave Coulier also called in at the last show. Wasn't Dave Coulier also called in at the last second? No, Dave Coulier, when he did the show, he and John were hired. And then I

was getting fired off of the morning program. You were on the morning program on CBS with me. Oh, okay. Did you come in and guest as a comedian? Maybe. I don't know. I think you did. The reason you don't remember it is there was no gargling of diarrhea. Were you a morning host for CBS? I was on the CBS morning program, which was on against the Today Show on Good Morning America.

And then they fired me within a few months because I was too hot for morning television. The big joke that was Marriott Hartley, who was the host, said, are you a type A personality? And I said, yes, but I'm working on my anus. And then they didn't care for that. And that was kind of the beginning of the end. And then I was on the stairs going, it's 12 minutes after the hour. And then I got this part of Full House.

They recast a lot of shows. They recast a whole bunch of shows. There were a lot of people that weren't original. I had heard that Dave Coulier Coulier was given that someone else was already driving

to L.A. to play his part. Not his part, my part. Your part. Yeah, but someone did the part and then they didn't do it. But that happened with a bunch of shows. Perfect Strangers and Mork & Mindy even. I mean, odd as that sounds, it was another person. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, that's crazy.

Because you can't picture anybody else. You and I went through a difficult time, and we didn't communicate this year, over Robin's loss. Oh, yes. And you wrote a beautiful piece about it. Yeah, and CNN. Yeah, it was quite moving and quite wonderful. Oh, yes. And you wrote a beautiful piece about it. Yeah, on CNN. Yeah, it was quite moving and quite wonderful. Oh, thank you. It was a very hard time.

Very, very hard. It always will be. That was a very weird thing, because I remember I'm sitting there on the couch, and the news is on, and they say, and comedian Robin Williams was found dead. And I thought, what? And then when they said suicide, it was like insane.

It's not, and it wasn't him as the feeling that that could even be possible. And then you on Twitter sent a picture of you and me and him from the it's good good english from the scleroderma research foundation benefit that we did and it was just a joyous there were any time i was in his presence it was usually a joyous time everyone was so excited he was there and you were there whenever you were there people were joy joyous. Gilbert? And I remember I took part in that. You were great. And everyone stayed. Robin was standing.

Every joke you did, he was just screaming because of your conviction. Because it's funny. I mean, it's just funny. I just remember that. Who else was there? Oh, Jimmy Fallon. Right. And I remember I wrote about it. yeah that's in cnn.com you can find yeah and um i yeah and then afterwards uh

robin and billy crystal stopped over later right and we wound up having dessert together and ran into Mel Brooks at a table. And I remember, and it was true, I think Robin was on his way to another one of those meetings, like the rehab meetings. And we hugged, and he just disappeared into the dark. And I realize now that was the last I'd ever see of him. Wow. I saw him. I kept seeing him at the benefits for the scleroderma. He kept doing them.

He was such a generous soul. It was unbelievable. And I remember he was like a great audience. Yeah. Yeah. Ha, ha, was like a great audience. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, chief. Hey, boss. What do you need today, boss?

Whatever you want. And we're doing one December 2nd here in New York. I'm kind of busy that day. Yeah. I checked and found out your availability. Where is it going to be, Bob? It's at Caroline's again, where that night was. Yep, and December 2nd.

And it'll be – Whoopi Goldberg is going to help me do the auction because Whoopi, of course, with her closeness with Robin. I'm familiar with her. Yeah. And George Lopez is going to do a set, not in English. And it's very generous of him to do it. Just like you, Gilbert. I mean, you did it because you're just a generous person. Even though you want to talk about George

Maharis in the bathroom, or a lot of poop, it would ruin my career, which I can do myself. Tell us about your relationships with... With George Maharis. With George Maharis. Two iconic comics. We did a cop show together. Cop show together.

Tell us about your relationship with Don Rickles and also with Rodney. It was different times in my life. I didn't have the pleasure of being friends with Don like I have had the past ten years. I guess it was weird. I was in the comedy store in La Jolla

a long time ago. I guess I was 24. I was in the comedy store in La Jolla a long time ago. I guess I was 24, and Rodney came in, and I was working with Robin. He didn't touch me, Gilbert. Gilbert's waiting for me to be aimily raped. Gilbert's like, what did he do? He said, hey, I want to fuck you in the ass. Hey, I get no respect.

Take this finger. Put a bag over your dick in case my bag on my dick breaks over your head so Rodney came in and Robin was working that weekend it's very weird that I was hanging out with them and Rodney came in and said I was trying to go to La Costa and clean up man

and this is tough, no booze, no coke, no pot, no pills he just kept saying it over and over again and then he said you got a good head, you got a good head, man. You got a Jew head. You're all fucked up. It's never going to be okay. And he said, your mind doesn't stop. It doesn't stop, man.

I get it. I dig you, man. I saw you on Merv Griffin. You're all fucked up. And then I hung out with him that weekend. And my ex-wife was my girlfriend then, so I let him fuck her. Didn't he give you some advice, Rodney? He said, don him fuck her. Didn't he give you some advice? He said don't fuck her.

Yeah he told me if people don't let you move forward just go like a tank man because this business, everybody wants to stop you. Just go like a tank. I guess he means run over Nazis. And he did say that being a stand up is like always

at the Nazi border. You're just standing there trying to stay alive. He said it's like you do your best six minutes so the guy doesn't kill you. That's how he approached it. It was a pain. You knew Rodney very well. Weren't both of you guys in Meet Wally Sparks? Yes.

It's a real Clint and Finn. Yeah, it's a big, big hit. That's one of those gigs that you just can't say no. Oh, yeah. You have to be in it. Like Rodney, yeah. You have to be in it. Like Rodney's asking. You have to be in it. And I was not only in that, but then I returned to co-star with Rodney in Back by Midnight.

What's that? That's what everyone says. Wow. Did Harry Basil direct it? Oh, yes. Yes. I like Harry. He's a nice man.

He used to work as a funny prop comedian at the comedy store. And I remember Rodney said something that was similar to that. What he said to you is like, we were both in the makeup room, and some woman said to Rodney, oh, Rodney, when are you going to be happy? And he goes, I'll be happy the same day Gilbert's happy. Yeah. He talked about it a little

on stage. He'd go, the heaviness, man. The heaviness. Sometimes I'd talk to him and I'd go, hello, heaviness. But he never really went into it. I remember that bit. You're all right. Give me one of these. Yeah. Oh, that was a great one.

All I want is with these. One of these. Give me one of these. That's all I want, man. I remember that. I remember Rodney on stage, and he was like bombing. He was trying out new stuff, and it was bombing. The audience was just not with him at all.

And he just stopped and looked around disgustedly and said, Hey, if anyone tells you you're a hot crowd, you spit in their face. I have a lot of stories with him. He was funny. I buried him. Nobody knows. Just dropped him off in Whittier.

And Rickles, too? You were a younger comic? You buried Don Rickles? No, I just went to go see him two weeks ago in Vegas. He was pretty good. And he shows up in your movie. He's got a funny part. He's in Dirty Work.

I did, yeah, a long time ago. And he was very, very, very funny. And he always says to me, I'll see him, well, now I'm friendlier with him, but after he did Dirty Work, I hadn't seen him for like a year, and he would grab me by the head, and he would just go, I hadn't seen him for like a year, and he would grab me by the head, and he would just go,

I don't miss you at all. But he would whisper it, you know, like Godfather, like, all sotto voce. And then he's just one of the funniest people, and he's really honest in a way with people. He's like, okay, nice to see you. I was really nice to you. But he's

just a wonderful guy. And his wife Barbara is really funny. And they've been married, my God, like 40 years or something. So I just went with John Stamoth to go see Don Rickles in Vegas a couple weeks ago. And we went and saw the new show. And they run clips, which are pretty great.

They run, like, Don on David with Denzel sitting there, that whole thing. Did you see that? No. Pretty damn funny. Somebody, I remember hearing a story. Rickles was in a restaurant, and Morgan Freeman was walking by the table,

and Don yells out, Morgan, I didn't know that you had the kitchen. I believe he said that. Yeah, he does jokes that nobody else can do or would want to because it's not the time anymore for that kind of stuff. I was in a restaurant with him and Barbara and Stamos, my husband, and we're sitting in a restaurant

and a very handsome gentleman comes in and he's African-American and he sits down at the table next to us and we all just take a breath because we know Don's just loading up. And he goes, why are you walking in like that? You won! you won already

and we're just like oh no please and the guy was happy that he got beat up by don because he knows don's just that's his thing and there was one that was causing like of course on the internet people getting outraged where don rickles they cut it out when it showed on TV, where Don Rickles made a joke about Obama and then said, but, you know, I really don't mean to put down President Obama. He's a good friend of mine. He was over the house yesterday, but he had to leave. His mop broke.

See, that's old school. That's it doesn't. And I think if Obama heard that, he probably would have laughed at it. Right. But there are so many there's so much there's so many haters out there that, you know, in Don, there's only a love Don. Don only comes from love and he's bringing back a different time. He's actually doing a parody

of a time that doesn't exist. That's the joke. But you've got to really understand that level. Sort of like Smigel's Puppet, really. The insult comic, Don. It is exactly like that. A parody of a savage insult comic. Yeah, and it's a parody of... Don's not... Don is a...

I wouldn't even call him an insult comic. That's what's so interesting. A lot of people are, and we know who they are. Some of them are women, and they just attack people, and they're kind of funny. But his is different because it comes out of love and a time when there were black and white separate bathrooms. I like your Cloris Leachman joke from The Roast. Yes. Your Cloris Leachman joke from the roast.

Yes. Yeah, I said, Cloris Leachman is so old that on her tits it says, whites and colors only. Right. Those tits are old. They are so old. A boar and a coor. Do you have a different set of dishes when you take a shit on holidays? Oh, okay.

Tell us about doing the Carson Show 13 times. Yeah, that was a real cool thing. The first time I was on, Gary Shandling was hosting, and he was gracious enough to have me on it. And I think I was on this morning program. I had just gotten on that. And then the next time I got to be on this morning program. I had just gotten on that. And then the next time I got to be on was with Johnny. And the first time I was on, I told him about a dream I had.

And it was a real dream where he was driving a limo, and I was in the limo next to him. And in the back seat was Buddy Hackett, Buddy Rich, and Buddy Epson. And on the air, I said, so obviously I wanted to be in show business. These are my buddies. And then we went into a ditch, and then everybody was getting covered in water. And I saved Johnny first. And he goes, oh, thank you very much. And then I saved Buddy Hackett.

And then Buddy Rich. And then I went back like an hour later for Buddy Ebsen. And I remember looking into the camera and going, I'm sorry, Mr. Epson. That's great. I was a kid. But he was very kind to me. Never touched me.

I wanted him to. He was so handsome. Now, but Buddy Epson touched George Maharis. Yeah. While dressed as the Tim Woodsman. He buggered him at Barnaby Jones Beach. What's your favorite?

Did you like Barnaby Jones or did you like Jed Clampett better? See, I didn't watch either one. You never watched Beverly Hillbillies? Couldn't, yeah, yeah. Did you watch Hogan's Heroes?

You and I had the same bit. Did you know that? Oh, wow. We had the same bit. I didn't do it because I heard you do it on, I guess, on Conan or something. And then I Heroes? You and I had the same bit. Did you know that? Oh, wow. We had the same bit. I didn't do it because I heard you do it, I guess, on Conan or something. And then I went, oh, I can't do that. But it was, and you should do it. It's one of my favorite things.

But I had the same premise, not the same bit. But the premise was, how do you sell Hogan's Heroes in a room? Oh, yes. What's the pitch meeting for Hogan's Heroes? What was yours? Yeah, it's a bunch of soldiers in a Nazi prison camp. It's a comedy! Did you say, give me 26?

Order up the episodes? Yeah, that's great. Give me 13 episodes right away. And they don't want to leave. They get out. They want to go back. And they were all Jewish actors. The two Nazis were Jews.

Werner Klemper and John Banner. John Banner was Schultz? Yeah. I have a feeling he had a very minty penis. I'm not sure. It would be a good time for the disc to run out of space right now. Oh, yes. Gilbert, just answer.

Okay, yes. Without thinking, who had the saltiest cock of any actor you ever know? Who was it? Salt-taltiest. Which one? I would have to say Howard Duff. That's interesting. That's an old reference.

Right. Wow. And he must have been furry down there. He looked like a very official. He looked like someone from the Declaration of Independence. It was kind of a tie between Howard Duff and J. Carroll Nash. J. Carroll Nash had a very salty penis. Did you find yourself after you were...

Can I ask you this? Is this too personal? It's a little sensitive. After having J. Carol Nash's penis in your mouth, did you find yourself drinking more water? Did you... Who would you say of all the people that you've known? You know a lot of people.

You've been in a lot of movies. You've known a lot of people. Who would you say had the most disappointing penis in your mouth? Richard Crenner. And why would you say it was so disappointing? Because it curved and peronis syndrome most of them curved it's your crena had a curved penis really you learn so much on this show bob not as curved as robert copes right

which which of those people would you say um were the angriest when you were having their penis in your mouth? Broderick Crawford. Was really mad? Did he yell at you? He could go like this all day long. Did he yell at you? He'd go, Wait, I'm confused.

Was he holding a CB microphone? He's saying 10-4? He was holding the mic, the cop radio, against his ear. Was it Highway Patrol? Yes. While I was sucking his dick, he was talking into the Highway Patrol mic. One last question in that area, just real quick. Who is the most

surprisingly non-offended person that you put one of your fingers in their butthole. Famous person. Scully Mitchell. He didn't have a problem with it at all. No, never once complained. You put your finger in his butt

and he was just fine. Is that right? Yes, never once complained. Same with Willie, Tyler, and Lester. Really? Which of them did you put your finger in? Well, I tried to put

my finger in Lester's butt, but I got a splinter. Oh, that's tough. How'd you get the splinter out? Did you put it in someone's mouth to get rid of the splinter? I put it in Jackie Vernon's mouth.

And he said, hey. I had his little clicker. Here I am, sucking Gilbert's dick. Here I am, having Gilbert Guthrie chew this cum in my mouth. What's it? What's? Who's... I don't want to say anything offensive, though. Who would you say is the most

hideous person in show business that you went down on? Adolph Mongeau. Do you think his name was anti-Semitic? Our listeners are furiously Googling these names. One last question in that area. Of all the people that you've had sex with, male, maybe female too,

who would you say had the biggest problem with their incontinence? Okay. Ward Bond. Ward Bond starred in Wagon Train? That's right. And It's a Wonderful Life. He's the cop. And the Maltese Falcon. Yes. And Thelma Ritter.

Thelma Ritter had an incontinence. Really? Which was worse? You're saying incontinence like they were... Oh, no! I meant she was traveling incontinence. Oh. She would travel for her worst. So the answer is Ward Bond. Yes.

Ward Bond. The worst. Was it diarrhea? Well, some diarrhea, some solids. Just when you thought you were just being splashed on, a solid one. Like a milk dud or something? Was it a lot of solid or just tiny little bits? Like Raisinette solid?

Yes, yes. Sometimes like a brick would come out of nowhere. Out of a word bond to ask. Last question. Last question. In this area, in show business, who's the most emaciated person that you ever had sex with?

Fred Travolina. But he doesn't look emaciated. Poor Fred. But he was at the timeaciated. Poor Fred. But he was at the time? Yes, at the time. What kind of sex did you have with him? What was it? Well, it would have to be anal.

I mean, what are you, an idiot? Yes. Yes, your honor. No further questions, you idiot. Are we at the end? We're about getting there. Just at the end of our careers. He has no more references.

What else do you want to plug, Bob? Well, I wanted to do the podcast because I love Gilbert, so I wanted to do that. And the book Dirty Daddy is available, I think, everywhere that exists, and it just came out in paper just now. And I got a couple things I'm doing, TV and a film thing, but I don't need to plug them. I'll come back and plug them. And the benefit, December 2nd. December 2nd at Caroline's

for a scleroderma research foundation, which is srfcure.org. And that is so easy to write down. Can your listeners write? No. I wouldn't assume anything. Have you ever had sex with any of your listeners?

Hey, one last question. Please. Out of all the actresses you went down on, who had the smelliest cunt? That would be Dave Couillet. It was just terrible. Not coulier. And it was blonde.

You know, when there's no grass on the field, you play ball. Of all the old people that you've worked with, who had the stinkiest rectum? Imogene Coca.

Why? You never worked with Imogene Coca. Liar. Why was her rectum so stinky, do you think? Did she not eat enough barley? That's what our doctors at the time said. Thank you for having me on.

Thanks, Bob. I got a lot cleared out that I wanted to know about. It'd be educational. Can I ask you one last question? Did you ever of all the animals in show business pets or dogs

or cats or horses, was there anything that you ever had any kind of sexual Did you ever have sex with any animals from show business? Oh, for show business? Or just personal fun? You know what? We can do both sides of that.

Was there a show business animal? And in your own personal fun, did you ever have like a, I don't know, bird fly in the window? Well, I fucked an aardvark when I was on the Captain Tennille Summer Replacement Show. Is that Chris Beard and Alan Blyde made that? There you go. There's some names. So you...

Yes. An aardvark. An aardvark. An aardvark, is that hard shell? Is it? It was a hard shell. Oh. Yeah, the producer said,

that's a really hard sell. And when you have sex with an aardvark, is it a small thing or is it a big animal? How do you get in there? Well, first you buy it a drink. And then you take it to see Miss Saigon. Also a five-year-old.

Did you see that play? No. Would you like to? Yes, would you take me? What actor on Broadway did you have the most violent sex with? Which actor would you say that you had the craziest, most violent sex with? Which actor would you say that you had the craziest, most violent sex with? Any actor ever

on Broadway. Okay. What's her name? Lapone. Patti Lapone. Patti Lapone. Right. Most violent sex. Right. In fact, she's dead now. They're still pretending she's still alive. She's not dead. No, the CIA is pretending that Patti Lapone's still alive. She's not dead. No, the CIA is pretending that Patti LuPone's still alive.

But she actually died sucking my cock. Death. We have it on, and I can prove it. I've got records that prove that Patti LuPone died sucking my cock. I lost any control. And by records, I mean actual LPs. Telephone died sucking my cock. I lost any control. You didn't. No. And by records, I mean actual LPs.

78. And she's singing, don't cry for me. I don't know what to say because she might listen to this. You think she would hear this? Well, in that case, she's the only listener. How many listeners do you have? You have listeners, right? I'm scared to count.

Okay, I'm going to wrap this up. All right. I've never heard someone jump at being cut off so happily. Like, I'm going to have to go. Okay. He's not Stockholm Syndrome. No, but I have to go to a thing. But I didn't want to leave. I would talk to you all day.

Yes. They haven't even recorded this. They erased the chip like an hour ago. Well, we've been talking to Bob Saget. Please don't use my name in this podcast. Even talking to Bob Saget, who had his... Please don't use my name in this podcast. Who had his dick sucked by Kiki D in a movie. Yeah.

Kiki D? Yes. Really? Yes. What was her big song? Don't go breaking my heart. Yeah, that was it. That's not what it sounded like when she was sucking.

Yeah, that's what she was saying. She was part chicken. You know, Kiki D used to dress up in a giant chicken suit when I fucked her. She was a mascot then. Yes, and she'd go... Was she your favorite sexual escapade of anybody? No, Juliette Prowse.

She was pretty. Yes, she was. Thank you. Let's get serious. Sinatra had her. He did? Oh, sure. I gotta go. We've been talking to Bob Saget. Please don't say my name. I want nothing to do with this.

Can you not promote that I'm on it? And this was Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my sidekick and co-host, Frank Santopadre. And we've been talking to John Stamos. Please, use his name. We've been talking to Shelley Winters. Yeah. We've been talking all this hour to Isabel Sanford. That's me.

Thanks, Bob. Thank you. Can you imitate Isabel Sanford? She was in the Jeffersons, right? That's her. After her husband dies. No, but you can. What did it sound like? Well, she's trying to stay strong for the family, even though her husband died.

And then she's washing a bowl, and it drops and hits the floor, and she goes, Damn, damn, damn! Is that what she said? Yes. And then she turned to the camera and said, Trudy,

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