Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 277. Jackie Martling and Billy West 

Episode Date: September 16, 2019

Two of Gilbert and Frank's favorite guests, comedian Jackie Martling and voice actor Billy West return to the podcast for a no-holds-barred conversation about the cinema of George Pal, the versatility of Paul Frees, the uniqueness of Peter Sellers and the enduring legend of Joe Franklin. Also, Jonathan Winters disses Don Adams, Jack Carter guests on "Ren & Stimpy," Billy meets The Man from Uncle and Jackie weighs in on the Gilbert-Shecky Greene clash. PLUS: "Shock Theater"! "7 Faces of Dr. Lao"! The return of the Jackie puppet! Curly Howard takes a bullet! And George Jessel duets with...George Jessel? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Partner Sun Life. The world is yours to create. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. And our two guests have been on this podcast 300 times between them. And they need no introduction. But we're going to go Sorry We're going to go And give them introductions anyway

Hey what's the worst thing about Fucking a horse in the ass What When it's his turn Now we really need no introduction That's a dad joke Now we really need no introduction. That's a dad joke. That's what people say to me when I make a joke on Twitter.

I get all these young people go, nice dad joke. Stop it. Stop it, Billy. I get that all the time. Do you really? That dad joke. I could be their grandfather. I have every right to do a dad joke. I could be a great grandfather joke.

They just want to push you around, but you guys are the two comedic minds that I feel so great being around. Help me write a joke. Two dad jokes walk into a bar. Jesus Christ. You want to hear your intros? Go ahead. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. That's okay. It's Jackie's fault.

Jackie Martling is a writer, author, occasional actor. He was in The Watcher with me. Yes, classic. Yes, that was ignored by the Academy.

Ironically. And one of the most recognizing popular comedians of his generation is 2017 memoir, The Joke Man Bout to Stern, is available on Amazon, Kindle, and everywhere books are sold. And a new documentary called Joke Man will premiere in the fall of 2019. He's also a personal friend of Willie Nelson's.

I didn't put that in there, Frank. And has been known to take off his pants in public. That I might have put in there. Billy West is a musician, comedian, actor, award-winning voice artist who's provided voices of hundreds of popular characters, including Ren and Stimpy, Bugs Bunny, Popeye, Elmer Fudd, Futurama's Professor Farnsworth, and Dr. Zoidberg and other roles

to numerous dimensions. As a musician, he's played and toured with legends such as Brian Wilson and Roy Orbison. His new animated Netflix

series is the Matt Groening... Or Gro is the Matt Groening... Or Groening. Matt Groening... Whatever. Disenchantment. He also knows more about Larry Fine and Paul Freese than anyone in their right mind should know. Please welcome to the podcast two of the funniest sons of bitches walking on the planet, Jackie

Martlyn and Billy West. Wow. Thank you very much. What a drum roll. Thank you. Hi, boys. Hi, Frank. So Jesus is on the cross.

I'm one of the- Hey. Jesus is on the cross. One of the disciples- Jesus is on the cross. So Jesus is on the cross. Takes a claw hammer and frees one of his hands. And Jesus' hand goes down and he jacks off all over the other disciples. He jacks off. on the cross. And frees one of his hands.

And Jesus' hand goes down and he jacks off all over the other disciples. I can't believe that you got your hand free and the first thing you do is jack off. He says, well, to tell you the truth, I put my hand down there to cover myself and I forgot about the fucking hole. Are you going to do that for now, you little cocksucker?

You have my permission. That might be one of the best things I ever did. I'm sorry that it had to be from you. How many different Jackie laughs did you have, Bill, in the repertoire? I don't know. I was imitating the ones they had at the ready. Oh, do them all in a row. Give us to Medley.

There's one where if you see a clown with blood on his costume, and you look at him, and Jackie had this laugh that would say, oh, my God, like. It was so sinister sit sits for Sadie Fred Fred was responsible for all of it

and I got the blame and I got the credit he recorded every one took isolated every laugh and he played it at every horrible place

and people say that's the funniest thing you're doing i'm like i can't take credit for it but i can't take the blame either i was never doing that this used to happen to me a lot still does where like they'll announce a tragic situation on the stern show and they'll play my laugh and i was and it'll be a show I wasn't even listening to and I'll look on my Twitter and it's a million Twitters going, well, maybe you think a baby

falling out of a window is funny but I assure you I do not. An ex-fan. Fucking Fred is great. He used to go, and one day I said, what the hell is that? And he says, that's you. I know, he used to go, ooh, ooh. One day I said, what the hell is that?

He says, that's you. I said, you're crazy. Then one day I was listening back to his show, and I heard myself between jokes. It was like a break, and I went, eh. I'm like, wow. And I came in like an idiot and said, Fred, I can't believe you're right. Here, listen to it. And he went through the thing and took every, and the next day, a Cub Scout got hit by a bus.

Bill, didn't you say it was like a supervillain's laugh? Let him go. You guys remember meeting for the first time? Bill, was it? I know you did the Lucille Ball thing over the phone. Yes. The first time. That was like one of the first things I ever did.

Yeah. Well, the day before I told Howard, I said, hey, Howard, I think that Lucy is not long for this world. And we all loved her. I mean, but we were a little dark. Yeah, enough to make Kay Gardella scream in her column the next day. I never heard of such a thing. She was all mad. You see her in a teacher's, you know, dress or dowager's hump and, you know,

yelling it just like Lucille Ball was a beautiful person. And I'm sitting on the phone going, oh, why don't you get away from me? What is wrong with the orderlies? They're all, where are they? Haiti. They come from Haiti. It really sounded, when he called, it really sounded on any phrase she could drop dead. It really did.

We were going wild. My favorite, Bill, is here's a card from Tom Bosley. You know, these are the things that keep you going. Stop them. Who's that from? George, what did I say? The guy with the lonesome George. George Goble.

Oh, George Goble. Yeah. Here's one from George Goble. Hey, Lucy, you ever get in on with George Goble? Oh, that crew cut. That's all I saw was the top of it when I looked down. Gilbert, you were in studio that day. He was.

Yes. I heard it on YouTube yesterday. I was just like, Gilbert was really screaming, and I just thought, here's a man after my own heart. This is so goddamn dark, you know, after everything she achieved. Miss Grant takes Richmond, you know. That's what gave me all my respect for her. At one point you said, here I am with one foot in the Twilight Zone and one on a banana peel.

One more unfunny joke. So good. Gilbert, you asked if she'd had an affair with George Goebel. You sounded very young on this recording. Oh, that's scary. You were lobbing shit in there. What was it, 32 years ago? 33 years ago?

Yeah. Yeah, but who's counting? Wow. That's scary. It is scary. Yeah. I just hope I go quietly in my sleep tonight. I really do.

Do you know what I found out? The reason I'm so messed up is because I have autism. I just found that out. You did? I had no idea. You have autism? Everybody has autism. It's like having shoes.

This is why I care so much about the periphery that I do. It's the only stuff that translated to me and made sense. If you showed me how to tie my shoe, you could show me 100,000 times. I still couldn't do it. But if there was Joe Besser running around in his pajamas and Mo trying to pull his tooth out, I'll never forget every scintilla of that. And as soon as I was sick of all of that stuff, I began just watching the corners of the picture on TV. So I could have, like, more wood from that forest, you know, stooge forest.

Jesus. Ew, you! Pulling out my teeth! Come on down and we'll fix your tooth. Gil, had you heard this? That's why, Gilbert. Does that make sense? Autism. Does autism make sense, he's saying.

No, that's why it's autism. Of course not. Yeah. There's stuff locked away. Yeah, no. No, I think all of us have it. Because it is like. It, no, no. I think all of us have it. Because it is like. It's a sliding scale.

I'm also, you know, if it's something I need to know about, I don't know how to do it. And I don't know how the information on important things. But, you know, if you ask me, like, who was the assistant cameraman. On the Vernon Dent story. Yes, yes. That I could tell you. That he's good. Or how long was the original Earl Scheib commercial?

Or Joe Franklin. What was he selling? Martin Paint. Yeah. Yeah, he used to sell. Hoffman's beverages. Oh, and Martin Paint. Martin Paint. Yeah. Yeah, he used to sell. Hoffman's Beverages. Oh. Now at Martin Paint, it ain't just paint.

And he used to sell new, new, new co-margarine. Did you ever meet him, Jack? Joe Franklin? Are you kidding? Yeah, you knew him? I was sitting next to Joe Franklin when he went to a screening at the Director's Guild of the Aristocrats. I was sitting next to him when Sarah Silverman

came out and sat on the couch in the movie and said, yeah, and I went over because I thought maybe Joe Franklin could help me and I walked in and I sat down

and, you know, he sat down on the couch next to me and he raped me. And the place went wild joe freaked out we're all like it's a comedy show joe it's good for you it's good for you oh my god he was so pissed off because she said it so sincerely like it had just gone yeah yeah oh you joe franklin piece of work he was great fun i i remember one time doing one of Joe Franklin's shows, and he had this guy that worked with him who was, you know,

he had a few mentally unbalanced people. They were always the same mentally unstable, but it was always a different guy. Yes, yes. He'd go back to the same group or something. Yeah. He'd check one out for the day or something. So he had this mentally unbalanced guy who was talking to us, making no sense.

And when he walks off, Joe Franklin, with this evil smirk on his face, says, Hey, that's an excuse for forced sterilization. And he's the only guy the guys working for 25 hours. I have a really good friend who's a real show business brat. His great-grandfather's Eddie Cantor, and his grandfather was Jimmy McHugh. This guy, Lee Newman. And Joe Franklin was such a huge fan of Eddie Cantor and such a huge fan of Jimmy McHugh. And Lee went on his show.

And his name is Lee Newman. And Lee's sitting there, and he's kind of nervous. And his name is Lee Newman. And Lee's sitting there. He's kind of nervous. And Joe goes into this whole glorious introduction. Here's a kid. I just love this kid. I've known him since he was born. We go back so far. He's such a wonderful kid.

Let's hear it for Lou Neiman. It was just so classic. Remember we had him on the podcast? Yes. He walked off. Yes. He made that dramatic entrance. It was so, I mean.

Like he walked out mad? No, no, no. When he finished the show. Because he was like a foot tall. Yeah. And he walked off and immediately turned into a silhouette. He ambled down a long hallway and disappeared like Chaplin disappearing into the iris. It was great.

I'd run into him on 8th Avenue and almost miss him because he's a full head. He was a full head shorter. Yes. He's walking around by himself. He had whoppers. He actually told me that he told a whole bunch of us at dinner that somebody on his show started choking. And that you could check up on. And then a couple doors down, they were having, they were getting ready to do the Nixon-Kennedy debate.

And he said Kennedy ran out, ran down to his show and saved the guy's life and went back to do the debate. And everybody's like, Joe, how the fuck dare you? And everybody's like, Joe, how the fuck dare you? He told a story on the podcast of one time on one show he had both James Dean and Al Pacino. And we worked it out mathematically. Al Pacino would have had to have been eight. I think it was 14. Yeah, yeah.

Did you ever meet him Bill Joe Franklin Joe Franklin I didn't but I do have a Joe Franklin story the Jay Giles band from Boston yeah Eddie Gordatsky

who you know sure was my pal in radio we were in the trenches together like 33 years ago in Boston and anyway

the Jay Giles band is going on the Joe Franklin show. So they want to mess with him. So they just grab Eddie and bring him in as a worm expert. And he's got worm charts and everything. You're going to hear him bullshitting his way through this professorial. I know, I know. The worm has ten hearts. Well, you know that's not true.

I know, I know. The worm has ten hearts. Well, you know that's not true. Yeah, it's just so dry and so silly, and Joe Franklin was all into it. And I love the Drew Friedman takes on Joe Friedman. Oh, yeah, and then he got sued. Drew is the coolest artist. He's my favorite artist. He is.

And he does like a pointillism that if you back off from it, it looks like realism. And he had a picture of Joe Franklin sleepwalking through Times Square singing, She's the girlfriend of the rolling dervish. Joe Franklin is a dreamwalking. Yeah. One of the pieces he got sued for, I think. You know, everybody thought he was a gazillion years old because when he was doing

an oldies show in the 50s everybody thought he was already 60 but he was only like 25 years old when he was doing it he just looked old

and there's this old little hunk of a guy and then you go to his place that coat that he wore every day for 20 years was bright red

but he was never on he never made it to college. I'm so sick. He offered Gilbert a sandwich from the drawer. Yes. Yes. What are you guys, hungry? Oh, God.

And Billy, I always ask you to say this one. It's different from Joe Franklin. But you've come from a very bigoted background. All of your relatives. Come on, lay off of me. I wore my boss' t-shirt not to remind you of that. Say the time when you were a little boy watching the Three Stooges

and your mother walked in. Oh, oh, yeah. I lived for that stuff, as you well know. And I'm glued to the TV set and my mother comes in and she's like, how can you watch them? Duh, they're Jewish. How can you watch those horrible men? I said, Ma, I stopped going to church because I found my saints. How do you watch those horrible men?

I said, Ma, I stopped going to church because I found my saints. How does that grab you? St. Larry. You love that, Gil. Yes. You know what I learned? I didn't know this, and I should have known it, that Curly was accidentally shot in the foot by his uncle. He shot himself in the foot. Yeah, with a shotgun.

Oh, he shot. Yeah. Was his uncle shot him or he shot himself? I thought he shot himself. They shot each other. And they said... I'm not sure which is worse. He always... Jesus.

And so he always had like a limp. Yeah, yes. I had to coach Will Sasso who played Curly in the Three Stooges movie. Oh yeah, he was good. And I had to coach Will Sasso who played Curly in the Three Stooges movie and I had him on Skype and I said you know here's a weird thing because I was trying to tell these guys

everything that I knew every piece of periphery that Curly had a limp and he would run down the street and he would pivot because he couldn't keep going it was just a little routine to save his foot from more pain and then he'd have a second start. But I said he got shot in the foot when he was like 13.

And I don't think they had doctors back in 1915. I don't remember any. Now, is that a true story? Is that a true story? Because that's the oldest thing of his career. He shot himself in the foot. It's an old expression. I read his uncle Babe shot him in the foot.

Well, they called him Babe. That was his nickname. I got bad information. Yeah, now I remember they called Curly Babe. Yeah. What's the matter, Babe? Do you have another stroke? And he was the pussy hound out of the three, right?

That's what's crazy. Yeah. Do you know what they called that? Curly said that was the chicken with its head cut off. Jesus. You know, going round and round on the floor with no head. You know, to him, that's what it would sound like. It doesn't make sense.

And now I gotta ask you for another old favorite of mine. One time, I think you and your father were watching Lola Falana on TV. Oh, no. Find every painful memory you can dig up.

No. I can't believe he retained this. I can't even say that stuff because it's really truly not my part of town. You couldn't say it back when you said it. My dad wanted to set a particular house on fire when certain people moved in. fire when certain people moved in. And he was sneaking around at night and the neighbor, one neighbor lady on the porch, you know, sitting there watching him while he was slashing tires. He wasn't a happy guy.

You know, and, you know, I mean, they would, he would say stupid shit and they all would, you know, and it was like that in Boston. I'm sure every city was like you know uh uh you know where'd they get that car i wonder where they got that car over there that box of fudgicles you know and it's the most ignorant stuff but it's so ignorant that it's that it's laughable and uh i don't know it's like humor talk about dad jokes andable. And I don't know. It's like humor. Talk about dad jokes and all that stuff. You don't know where to go, where to tread, and what to say. Tell us the Lola Fulana story, please.

I can't kill persons. Please. No, don't do that to him. Don't make him do it. It's hideous what he said. Hey, you know, let's go back because he said something and I didn't get to throw this in. Two Jews are on the Titanic, you know? at something and I didn't get

to throw this in. Two Jews are on the Titanic, you know? Two Jews are on the Titanic and it starts to sink and the first Jew

starts to cry and the other guy says, what are you crying for? It's not your boat. Oh, and I suppose you think Jewish

jokes are funny. Oh, I happen to be Jewish. Do you know what? I saw this woman. She had a store like a coffee shop, and she doesn't understand today's kids, and she was bitching and carping, but...

I own a small coffee shop, and I said good morning to a young lady, and she used the fuck word at me. The fuck word. And said I triggered her. What nonsense. What is cisgender? What is antifa?

I told her the world has always been the same and the newly empowered are always the world's biggest fascists. How am I supposed to understand them, act like them, spend all my time gaming and vaping and flash mobbing and sexting? Cripes, when I was a teenager, we played Ring-A-Levio.

Yahtzee. Mumbly Pig. Mumbly Pig. And we asked our parents for a nickel to buy a pickle. Good old fangled fun. I stuck her unhappy little head into the coffee grinder and turned it on. That's a stooge move. But I mean, trying to figure out what you can say and what you can't say is bedeviling.

Oh, it's tough times. Yeah. Yeah, but it came on so fast, it's not even like the rest of the culture caught up you know when a wave hits we all sort of get it at once but

humor was always subjective and now there's all these restraints and subjective things on it nah sex and poop I've been stuck in the same hole

for 40 years are you getting that resistance Jack like Seinfeld no I don't listen anyway the guy's 75 years old and lives with his mother

do you get do you get more sex years old and lives with his mother. Do you get more sex or more poop? It's his mother's birthday, and he's got no money. He says, listen, Ma, I got no money for your birthday, so I figured I'd just fuck you. And she says, all right. So he starts fucking his mother, and all of a sudden, you smell something. And Jesus Christ.

And he gets off, and he looks, looks at his diarrhea all over the bed and all over the floor it's running everywhere Jesus Christ mom what's going on she says well I'm too old to have an orgasm and I wanted to show you how much Oh, man. You know, and the thing is, they'll say dad jokes. Nice one. Nice one. It must feel real good. Your parents must be real proud of you for telling jokes like that.

You don't get any resistance from a political correct era. You know what? The people that come to see me know what I'm doing. Sure. Or if five people come and they bring somebody that doesn't know what's going to happen, they're overwritten. Like, who cares? It's so fucking harmless.

What do you think of Seinfeld's decision that he doesn't want to play colleges anymore because of the political correctness of it? I can't get those bookings either. Well, he had a good line for it. He just said, oh, you know, it bothers me. No, they don't want you. You see, time keeps ticking into the future. Hey, I was on Comedians in Cars getting coffee.

Oh, you were? No. But it's so funny because I'm in the credits of Eddie Murphy and Jerry for that episode. And everybody's going nuts on Twitter. What the hell did you do? And now everybody's, oh, Jackie's picture must have been in the background and he sued him to get money or blah, blah, blah. Everybody's speculating.

Billy, I had an MC list from 1979 and I was the MC, so I'm not on it. But on the list is Eddie Murphy, Gilbert Gottfried, and Jerry Seinfeld. Yep, misspelled. And Jerry Seinfeld. All three spelled wrong, which is what's classic.

I didn't see this on Twitter. Someone was telling me. I'll tell you how good I'm doing in my life. I got an email. Are you ready for this? From Ron Jeremy's agent. Who knew he had an agent named Dante? And Dante emails me because I met him about six months ago. And he said,

Jackie, I promised this person I would forward this to you. And it was an email that said, we came across this list and somebody told me it belongs to Jackie Martling. Do you know her? I said, game over. I didn't tell you about this.

So the guy, I contacted the guy, and I said, what's the deal? He said, well, we want to use that list that we found. Is that yours? And I said, yeah. I just saved all kinds of crap. It was a little list that Hal Ennis handed me in 1979 because I was hosting the show. And my name's not on it, just MC, MC. Bob Woods was on it, and he never got to go on because I was hosting the show. My name's not on it, just MC. Bob Woods was on it.

He never got to go on because he was so drunk. Hawthorne didn't get to go on because they knew he wasn't going to do well. The first guy on it was Rich Gagliardi who is now Julia... I always draw a blank. Julia Scotty who is now... The first guy on the list

is now a woman. Such a great guy. So the guy calls up and I said, make me an offer. So he says $600. So I emailed him back. You'd be very proud of me, Gilbert. I said, all right, let's review. Let's review. A billionaire comedian is being interviewed by another billionaire comedian

on a billion-dollar network, and you want a priceless piece of comedy memorabilia in perpetuity worldwide forever and ever in every kind of media that we have now or may ever have and you want to give me six hundred dollars what would you say the guy wrote back i just said what you just said let me see what i can do and then he came back to me said well they're going to go a little higher they're going to give you a thousand me and said, well, they're going to go a little higher. They're going to give you $1,000. And my first thing was I was going to say, you know what? Tell Jerry the good news.

He just saved $1,000. And then I said, fuck it. It's too much fun. It's too much fun. There's never any money in Hollywood. No. I don't understand. It's like everyone I ever talked to said, well, we'd like to get you involved.

We'd like to get you on board and everything. But, you know, it's like right now it's a little tight right now there's no money everybody talks there's no money then what the hell are you hanging in Hollywood for

you'd make more money in a sawmill town in Michigan hey you know nobody makes any money I don't have any money we broke

we didn't break even there's so many stories like that and this is the worst one I think I've ever heard that the guys the remaining members of Queen, haven't seen a penny from Bohemian Rhapsody, which grossed a billion dollars. Is that possible?

Of course. Sure it is. Creative accounting. I remember a writer, I forget what movie, but it was one of these trillion dollar- No, it was the Eddie Murphy movie. It was one of these like trillion dollar no it was the eddie murphy movie it was the the writer from washington dc yeah but this was some other movie i remember and and it was like bigger than star wars all the star wars put together and this guy said you know they owe me money because they made this much money you could read about it and and uh one of the studio guys

said on the news well this just teaches the public that a lot of times we exaggerate how much a movie made to get more interest for people to see the movie. And I thought, oh, okay. So you're lying on both ends. Yes, yes, yes. Gilbert and Jackie, did you ever hear that story about Tom Hanks? You know, he got a script and he got called into some office and he said, I read the script, I really like it.

And they said, well, what do you think? And he said, well, for money? And they said, well, what do you think? And he said, well, for money? And they said, well, yeah, ballpark. You know, he just said, I don't know. You should take care of me, like on the back end. They were saying all kinds of stuff. And he said, how about this? How about two weeks after the picture comes out,

I want a good percentage of the figure you guys print in the paper. That's great. Do you know what I mean? There's a negotiation. He's got everybody sitting there like ghosts. What did he say? What? We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast.

But first, a word from our sponsor. Baseball is finally back. Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs.

19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. At Miele, our partner is the planet. Our appliances use less water and energy and are tested to last for 20 years of use. That's the ultimate form of sustainability.

I'm Nelson Fresco, president of Miele Canada. From now until June 30th, every Miele dishwasher purchased supports the planting and preservation of Canadian forests through the Ma Forest Initiative. Join us in making an impact today for a better tomorrow. Visit mila.ca to learn more. Bill, talk a little bit about escaping as a kid, because I just heard a podcast you did with Joe Dante.

Oh, right. Which was very good. Oh, is it? Yeah, you were talking about... I was mad at him why because because i was gonna do bugs bunny imagine this is a full-grown man sitting here saying this shit i was gonna do bugs bunny in um uh back in action okay and joe he just was not into me he didn't dig me i didn't care about that but they kept calling me back, and they were kid-gloving me and everything.

I said, what am I, seven? Just tell me what's going on and everything. And so I mentioned it to him off the air and everything. He said, I don't know what that's about. I liked you. Weird. I know, but that's everything. I heard you talking about your love of shock theater when you were a kid.

That was something that you escaped into. Shock theater. Because we had Zachary Lee here. Night on Bald Mountain. Yeah. That was a theme. We didn't have a host. It was a skull that would just come up on you as you watched.

And there was no announcer. It just said things on the chyron. There was no announcer. It just said things on the chyron. And they would go into a movie like The Curse of the Mummy or one of those old universal beauties. And I loved that stuff. And I forced myself to wake up at 1 in the morning because I knew everybody else would be asleep. And this was like I lived for this. And plus, you had that desperation.

I might have talked about this. When we were young, there was no way you could hold on to anything sure yeah you can't have a record of television right you know what i mean you get it when it's good that's it and the coolest thing you ever saw in your life is going to be over in 35 seconds and you start going you get the angst engulfs you you know i'll never see this again i just i remember my trigger when i was a kid i kept reading about one episode of uh route 66 called owlet's wing and lizard's tail was the name of it and it it had Peter Lorre, Lon Chaney Jr. and Boris Karloff. And I would check the TV guide every fucking day.

And the one day, the one fucking day I don't check it, I find out they had shown it. But you had no way of knowing. No. You never knew. No advance anything. And you said, I would have really liked to see old Boris Karloff, you know. His whistle. All right.

So a guy comes home really drunk. A guy comes home really drunk and his wife is asleep on the couch under a blanket. And he's so loaded, so he gets undressed, climbs under the blanket, and fucks her hard. And then he goes upstairs, he walks in the bathroom, and his wife is sitting on the toilet. He says, what are you doing here? She says, what do you mean, what am I doing here? He says, I just fucked you on the couch. And she goes, mother!

And she goes, run downstairs. Her mother's sitting there smoking a cigarette. She says, Ma! Harry just fucked you! She says, you know, I couldn't help but notice that. Ma, why didn't you say something? She says, I haven't spoken to that piece of shit in 20 years. I wouldn't have...

I laugh at these. I laugh. I let go. I have cosmic abandon when you start telling that stuff. You know what I wanted to ask you, Jackie, and maybe Gilbert? Did you ever try to get under anybody's skin at the Friars Club just for the hell of it? Like some guy's going to tell a joke, you know? Yeah, and be rude to them, you mean?

You Tourette out the punchline. Oh, yes, yes. So just to tumble or, you know, to mess things up. Sometimes I just get up and leave just when they start the joke. Well, Gilbert has, of course, the infamous Shecky night at the Friars. Oh, I like that. But you didn't go into that night looking for trouble. You weren't trying to gaslight Shecky. No, I was, yeah. It was a Friars thing Oh, I like that. But you didn't go into that night looking for trouble. No. You weren't trying to gaslight Shecky.

I was, yeah. It was a Friars thing. You know this story. Yeah, and I still have my own theory about it. Yeah. Because they said he ran out because he was so appalled by what you said. But what I heard was he was supposed to go on next. Yes.

And he was getting the fuck out of there because he knew he couldn't follow you. So he came up with a Donald Trumpian excuse to get the fuck. Oh, that's too much for me. I'm out of here. Interesting. Nobody can follow you. That's what a bunch of people told me. And you didn't sense that?

Yeah. No, a bunch of people said that. They said it was obviously he was scared. He was scared to go on because he already has stage fright. Right, right. And he was out for years and years and years. Rodney always said he was the funniest. He says, nobody funnier than fucking Shecky.

Nobody funnier than Shecky. And what he said was, but Shecky didn't have an image. Martin was drunk and Benny was cheap. And I get no respect, but fucking Shecky, all he was is fucking funny. So nobody could say anything. All they'd say is, holy so this guy he was funny you know you know it's that simple because he never got as big as he should have gotten no I followed that you know and even like Jan Murray was on that boat too you know I think he spent too much time being successful because he had a game show and you know if. What's that? Golden handcuffs.

He was making a lot of money. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I think he just, he's another guy that was real, one of the funniest of his time, but just kind of fell out of it. Yeah, because when we're kids, if you see somebody who's a game show host, you never can make the leap that they're a comedian. No, no. No, they're already locked into what they are, you know.

He doesn't look seedy or needy. He would just be Jim Murray, the host of Treasure Hunt or something like that. Treasure Hunt. Very neat. That was the one I was trying to think of. You were talking about Sandy Hackett. Did we have this conversation? I think I played a round of golf with Sandy Hackett.

He told me the greatest story, and I hope it was him. But if it wasn't him, it was somebody who was the son of some comedian. But I'm pretty sure it was Sandy Hackett that said at his bar mitzvah, Milton Berle said, Sandy, come over here, son. And he walked him into the bathroom, and he said, close your eyes and put out your hand. You hear this story? And he thought he was going to hand him a lot of cash, and he put his big fucking cock in his hand. He almost shit himself. You never heard that story?

I don't know. He's holding out on us. Jackie, Jackie, listen to this, Jackie. Jackie, I'm glad you sit at my table, Jackie. Listen to this. Listen. Did you ever hear the girl, about the girl that had this sweet, sweet ass? Yeah, she got dire booties. Oh, you Jackie, you, you stepped on my line. Oh, you putz, you schmedrick.

Jesus. Do we dare bring up the Jackie Puppet for a couple of minutes? Sure. For my documentary, we have a guy that created that. Yeah. It's cold in here. I think I'll throw myself in the fire and get warm. Who's got the puppet?

Do you have it? You know, I'm sure it's over there in Sternland sometime. Do you remember when it was missing? It was so fucking funny because they went to satellite. Yeah. And all of a sudden, it was missing. And somebody said, wait a minute. Jackie did a couple of shows for Free FM over at Sirius.

And maybe he stole it, or maybe he brought, so the word is out that I stole the puppet, right? And of course I didn't, and I told him, all right, I admitted I did it, and I showed him a picture of me holding the puppet, but it was a blown-up picture. It was on cardboard. They were coming out with the fucking Stern 100 news van to get it, and I said, you assholes, of course they don't have it.

I came up with this idea. I said, it was missing for weeks, and they're blaming me. I said, you assholes, of course they don't have it. I came up with this idea. I said, it was missing for weeks and they're blaming me. I said, I got the idea. I told Steve. Steve, what's his name from 100 News? No. Oh, Steve. Geez, I don't know.

You know, cheesy Steve. I said, you know what you do? Get that fucking guy that we have on once in a while, the lie detector guy. I said, I'll go first. Get everybody who works here in a line and ask them if you have the Jackie puppet and that we'll find it for sure and it'll be fucking wonderful.

And Steve goes, that's a fantastic idea. What a great show it'll be. The next morning at six o'clock, Howard walked in with the fucking puppet that was never heard from again. He had it the whole fucking time at his house. Wow. Is that some crazy shit? And nobody's heard any of that stuff and i'm not disparaging it was

it was good radio but that's probably like a twilight zone after howard took it home one afternoon and he puts it in the basement you know you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube well jackie didn't steal it he's an asshole you know why you want beef and broccoli now? Hey, wait a minute. What's that? What's that? He's doing a Twilight Zone bit with Howard and the Puppet. Howard and the Puppet. Now, you told me, Jackie, that they had an even more grotesquely frightening offensive Robin Puppet. I have no idea what happened with that, but where that wound up, but it was, I think Ralph

made it because when we did the, you remember the Channel 9 show, remember Clarence Thomas, Billy? Ralph made a Clarence Thomas doll, or a face for somebody to wear. And it had lips literally the size of two small baseball,

two wiffle ball bats on top of each other. And his lips were immense. And they also had his hair, his afro tied up to a piece of string. So when somebody said something funny or offensive, they'd pull the string and his hair would go up like buckwheels. Farina. And then somebody made a robin one but it was it was so over the fucking top god knows where that is we you know what that show also there

was a special guest that day and he meant a lot to me because i didn't have a dad so he was like a father figure i imagined my myself being like Robert Vaughn, the man from Uncle. Oh, yeah. Well, you're a big man from Uncle, guys. And I couldn't wait to meet him, and I was going to play a character part in the sketch. It might have got cut, but I had a dress on, and I was running around backstage,

and I come up to Robert Vaughn, and I said, you know, you were my idol. And he just, he's recoiling looking at me in a dress. My idol. Don't ever meet your idol. If only there was behind the scenes shit from that show because it was crazy. You know, what's his name? Bob Denver and one of the two girls from that show.

Mary Ann. Either Tina Louise or Dawn Wolf. They had been in AA for like 20 years or something. And they came on. They were so appalled by the show. Mary Ann. Either Tina Louise or Dawn Woods. They had been in AA for like 20 years or something, and they came on. They were so appalled by the show, they were doing an appearance in Atlantic City, and they drank all the way down to Atlantic City. No.

Do you remember? We had the big 6'3 security guard play the skipper, and we had him sitting in the sand underneath a palm tree, and there was enough sand that we could hide the bottom half of his leg, and we had a fake leg, and we were eating his leg. It was fucking priceless. And I was Mary Ann. I had a big, huge belly.

All this stuff sounds like an acid trip when you run through it real quickly, but if you spent four hours, it was like an avalanche of comedy going on in there. And I don't care if it was Gilbert coming in and screaming at the top of his lungs for more than five minutes. I'd go out of there with my ribs hurting me from just what doubled over. You know, there was almost a world war. Gary Busey was on the show, and he had been in a motorcycle accident. And I think he got pretty seriously hurt and got really banged up.

So we created a sketch called Motorcycle Injuries for Men Club. Like hair for men. He famously wasn't wearing a helmet. The Head Injury Club for Men. Head Injury Club for Men. And so Howard's wearing like some kind of bandage around his head, but he had a tube going up, you know, so that when he squeezed the tube or Ralph squeezed the tube,

the blood would come oozing down his throat. And we're doing dress rehearsal and Busey's right there across from him and Ralph, of course, didn't know what the fuck he was doing. And when he squeezed it, the little tube popped out and shot fake blood all over Gary Busey and he thought it was on purpose and he I don't know if you remember he was I thought fists were gonna fly it was of course that wasn't it was a rehearsal so the cameras weren't on. All I tried to do was squeeze blood and it just popped open open, and it got all over his face, and he was angry at me.

But of all the people that do that to him, you know, like, that fucking guy. We had him on this show. Piece of work. Gary? Yeah, Gary Busey. Yeah, well, of course, and he wasn't wearing a helmet in that accident. He suffered serious damage. Of course, of course.

Tell us about the doc since you brought it up. It's a good time to bring it up, to plug it. The guy that was my radio partner for eight years, Ian Carr from IKA Collective, has been doing it and interviewing different people. These two guys are in it? Gilbert's in it. Billy's in it. Willie Nelson tells some jokes.

And we got a whole bunch of people. And, you know, I don't – who knows? You know, it's fun it'll be fun going to film festivals and you never know what's going to run up the flagpole and be enjoyed but you know these film festivals you could sit there for days and never smile so if there's something the least bit funny it's going to be a fucking home run the trailer and people are loving the trail we in fact we had to yank the trailer off because uh people were too interested and we didn't want to come too soon.

You know what I mean? Because it's not out yet. But I just want to do the Q&As and answer the questions and set some stories straight and everything. But it's wacky. What's it called? Joke Man. Just Joke Man. Nice.

When you were talking before about seeing that people on game shows, you couldn't imagine them doing anything. One of the saddest things I remember, I was on Hollywood Squares and Dom DeLuise was on. And he was sitting next to me, and he turned to me very seriously, and he said, do you think doing game shows can hurt your career? That's fucking great. I'm so proud because I did that show twice, and I think I was edited like three times. You know, no one time.

Were you the Paul Lind that day? I forget what I said, but what's his name? Tom, what's his face? Bergeron. Tom Bergeron. Tom Bergeron goes, TMI, Jackie. I think I did a diarrhea joke about Madonna. It's like, you know, just trying to loosen it up.

On Hollywood Squares, you did a diarrhea joke. Well, it was a little more, you know, you're just trying to loosen it up. On Hollywood Squares, you did a diarrhea joke. Well, it was a little more, you know, it was a little obscure, but... I got my point across. Get some Fletcher's Castoria.

Hey, I went out there to do it with Howard and Princess Zsa Zsa was on the show. Uh-oh. And she'd be going up the stairs, her ass took up the entire staircase.

You couldn't pass and we used to piss ourselves laughing. Bill, what do you know about Paul Lynn? Because Gilbert says he was a vicious anti-Semite. Was he really? Yeah, I heard from one of the original producers. They said, like, during lunch, all the other acts would be like, you know, having lunch and telling jokes and being nice and funny.

And Paul Lynn would be bombed out of his skull because he was this drunken old queen. And a bitter drunken old queen. And he'd go, those fucking Jews, they're the reason I don't have a career. Those fucking Jews held me back at every point. Somebody say the Jewish guy Paul is an anti-Semite and they go, that fag?

Oh my God. Hey, he was right on the train behind the Jews, you know? The pink triangle. Once that umbrella opened up. My God. Tell Billy the Ronnie Shell story. Sorry.

Tell him the Ronnie Shell story. I want their take on that. Oh, well. With the Alan Ladd. Oh, okay. I want to know if you think this. Oh, well. With the Alan Ladd. Oh, okay. I want to know if you think this is true, Bill. According to Ronnie Shell, what Alan Ladd was into, he'd gather up a bunch of women, and they'd all, like, surround him, and he'd stand in the center, naked, holding a chicken.

stand in the center naked, holding a chicken. And according to Ronnie Shell, all the women would start singing, you simply got to fuck the chicken! Wait a minute. He wanted them to do that?

That's in the book. It's in the book. That's like Blue Velvet. In full service. It's in Bowen's, what's his name? Scotty Bower's book. Scotty Bower's book. So then there is something to it. But I'm not sure that's a song, and I'm not sure it was Alan Laird, but you know, they mix and match everything. You know what I mean?

My favorite part of that book. Was the whole thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you read that book, Bill? Which one? Full service, the Scotty Bowers book. No. We'll send it to you.

The last book I read was One Fish, Two Fish. Redfish, Bluefish. Three quarters of the book talking about all the dicks he sucked, all the times he's gotten fucked in the ass, and he goes, but, you know, I was really into women. When did you sneak that in the ass. And he goes, but, you know, I was really into women. When did you sneak that in? Yeah. When he's talking about Lucy, I love the

passage where he was a bartender at the Hollywood parties and Lucy reached across and grabbed him and said, if you get my husband laid one more time, I'm going to cut your balls off. That's great. Can you say it in Lucy's voice, please? Oh, come here, you. If you

get my husband laid one more time, I'm going to cut your balls off. Oh, Ethel. Ethel, it's Bill Holden. Remember in Moose or Frank's? Yep. Ethel, it's Bill Holden. Remember in Musso and Franks?

Yep. Ethel, it's Bill Holden. He was looking at them. You know, we're talking about stuff that nobody in the world could follow. Not even me. So guy's in a bad barroom brawl. And he gets his face all smashed up really bad. So they have to wire his whole face together.

So he's in the hospital, and for a couple of weeks, they got to force feed him with this machine that has a tube coming out of it that pushes the food up his ass. So one day, the nurse pushes in the machine and takes the tube and jams it up the guy's ass. He says, nurse, nurse. She says, what do you want? Have you got another one of these machines? What do you mean?

Here in the hospital, have you got another one of these machines? She says, yeah, why? He says, I want you to have lunch with me tomorrow. Oh, boy. Jackie, you think of the anatomy an awful lot. He does. The digestive system. That's the only safe place. Guy pukes in a bowl.

The guy next to him eats his... I love it. What about the Pat McCormick story? What do you know about that, Jack? The helicopter story. I don't. Bill, do you know this one? No, I know the baby story at the lunch.

Yes. Yes, this was one that Pat McCormick, well, all of them, there was a group of them that would get together, and they'd all try to outdo each other. Outgrocer each other. Don Adams was one of them. Yeah, the Army's Army. Yeah, this was just, they weren't even trying to outgroce. They would just have a big dinner. Bill Dana. And then when it was Pat McCormick's turn, he had them all meet at this place and he handed them all a paper bag with an apple and a sandwich in it, a tuna sandwich.

And then they were like saying like, what the hell is this? And then each one was led onto a helicopter, one after the other. And they would have a hooker on the helicopter who would suck the guy's dick as the helicopter was circling his house. So none of these guys knew enough to say no after being around the guy forever, you know. Would buzz the house. Pat McCormick wants you to come over. Forget it. Forget it.

Forget it. And I heard one of them, when they got home that night, the wife said, so, you know, how was your night? And he goes, you know, okay. And then he says, so how was your night? And she says, it was all right, except that this helicopter kept circling the house. Oh, that's great. We were sitting there on the Stern Show one day, and boom, like quarter after six, Kenison walked in with Pat McCormick. Wow.

And Jack Riley. Is that his name? Yeah. And Chuck McCann. He was one of those. The four of them. Like, the Mount Rushmore. We're all in that same group.

And we were like, holy motherfucker. It was just, and I have no idea what happened. I have no idea. It was so crazy. I'm sure it was a din the entire time. McCormick was the size of a fucking box. Six five, yeah. Yes. Wow. Don Adams had a din the entire time. McCormick was the size of a fucking hog. Six-five, yeah. Yes.

Wow. Don Adams had a stand-up routine. He did. But I remember talking to Jonathan Winters once. He said, what's stand-up? What comedy clubs? There wasn't any. It was called Interrupting Somebody's Dinner.

And I think about it, and it's like that's about the size of it. But Don Adams was running around back in those days. I think they played and it's like that's about the size of it but Don Adams was running around back in those days I think they played jazz clubs and stuff I think Bill Dana wrote for him

yeah Bill Dana wrote his act he wrote his act yeah and Don Adams that voice that he always used for like the get smart voice and on the Bill Dana show

he played house detective Byron Glick Byron Glick what you need is a quart of Glick blood in you. You know, just because the guy was scared

next to him. Talking about how brave he is. What I mean, he goes, Your Honor, for the past half hour, the district attorney has been up here making a total ass of himself. Now it's my turn. I'm sorry, it's not as. I'm sorry.

It's not as scintillating as you may want it to be. Oh, I saw him. I saw him when he was, like, in the throws. You did? You know, he was at a recording studio, and I think he was doing Inspector Gadget still. No, he was doing, he had a game show or a TV show, sitcom, called Check It Out. Yeah, Check It Out. He played the manager of a grocery store show sitcom called Check It Out. Yeah, Check It Out. He played the manager of a grocery store.

That's right. Wow. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I heard he made more from that sitcom, which no one ever saw. But I heard he made more from that. Don't forget Don Adam's screen test in the 70s. Oh, yes, yes.

Remember that, Bill? Yes. Yes, I do. Yeah. Don Adam's screen test. Yeah. He wasn't a happy guy from what i know well when i saw him like when it was near the end he his eyebrows were dead boot black and you know the whole works that goes with royalties are so weird leslie west said that mississippi queen was a huge huge, and whatever rapper that was one of the first really big rappers sampled like a little hunk of Mississippi Queen and put it on his rap record that was a huge seller. And Leslie said the checks he gets for that were far surpassed the checks he got for Mississippi Queen.

That's fascinating. It's crazy that show. For what? It's musical vandalism. it's crazy that you know what it's musical vandalism Don Adams had that look

of that real midlife crisis look where he was had that horrible 70s guy trying to be hip not a hippie what do you mean like a tan and a members only jacket

yeah yeah and the hair long oh and the hair long. Oh, and the porn star mustache. Like Jack Carter with the love medallion. It just bled away 30 years. Yes, yes. Like Bill said, like Jack Carter did that. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, with the love medallion and the... I love everybody. The love, the big piece. I love it. You know the difference between men and women? Did you ever meet him, Jack? Did you ever meet Jack Carter? No, but the greatest Jack Carter story was the first time I went to a Fryer's roast,

Bob Goldthwait was there. I know this one. And Jack Carter, do you know that? No. Jack Carter was sitting on the dais and Goldthwait goes, I was in Los Angeles and I had to go meet my agent at a restaurant, and I was waiting for this guy. I'm sitting there in my car waiting for this guy to pull out of the parking space,

and I'm waiting and waiting, and finally the guy pulls out, and the other guy zooms in in front of me when I'd been waiting for 10 fucking minutes. God, I just stole the fucking guy's license plate. And he holds it up, and he goes, God, so I just stole the fucking guy's license plate. And he holds it up and he goes, Carter, you want this? What the hell

is Jack Carter's license? And nobody was even shocked at what the hell was even for. We had Jack Carter. No, we had Jack Carter on Ren and Stimpy.

He played this character named Wilbur Cobb, this old guru of a cartoon animation guy. They were sending up somebody. I'm not sure who. But Jack was perfect because he sounded like he was spitting up pieces of his breathing system. And his wife came to pick him up, and I said, boy, Jack's got – I mean his voice is so rich with – I don't know.

And I said, it's like snot or something, talking snot. And she went, nobody's got more snot in his throat than my Jack. We are number one. This is demographic. We missed out on him on this show. We wanted him so desperately because he was so bitter. And he had said yes. That's the worst part.

He said yes to doing it. And then he died like the next day. He had a lot of snot in his throat. Do you know what? He was very generous of spirit. He was because when I was working with him, I was on a Tonight Show one night, and I wanted to do a Jay Leno impression, and Jay shot me a look. I started doing it, and he shot me this look, and it went right through my heart.

I was crippled, stunned. I didn't know what I was going to do, and so I started doing the usual nonsense. You know, I didn't know what I was going to do, and so I started doing the usual nonsense. And I came the next day, and I said, you know, Jack Carter was having lunch at this joint called Mirabella. It was near where we recorded. It was an Italian restaurant. And he held court there, and I came in. What's the matter? You look like you lost your best friend.

And I said, I just felt terrible being on a Tonight Show and trying to do something. I have no business being there, but Jay didn't want me to do impressions of him. So he goes, you held your own. You know, I mean, he saw it. He watches all that stuff. Bilko used to watch all that stuff.

You know, the newest comedy shows when they were so out of fashion. You know? Why don't they call me? Why don't they call me? I'm a funny guy. So a girl goes to the gynecologist. See, that's all I can do. A girl goes to the gynecologist. She's like, Doc, I'm freaking

out. I'm freaking out. There was no girl. Admit it. There was no girl that ever went to the gynecologist and started freaking out. She's like, Doc, I'm freaking out. There was no girl. Admit it. There was no girl that ever went to the gynecologist and started freaking out. She says, Doc, I'm freaking out. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina. In the exam, she says, Lady, those aren't postage stamps. Those are the stickers from bananas. I love you.

I love you so much. How much do I love you? That's all I can do. I just love you. Wind-up toy. Bill, we had David McCallum here. We know you're a man from Uncle Guy. Yes.

Yeah. Good guest. David McCallum. Have you met him? I think I did meet him once. Yeah. Yeah. Good guest. David McCallum. Have you met him? I think I did meet him once. Yeah. We had him here. He was good.

How old is he? He was on the Stern show, wasn't he? They brought him in and he played Ilya Kuryakin. Yeah. In his 80s. Yeah. He's this Brit that was trying to be from Georgia, Russia or something. Yeah. Yeah.

It was good. It was really good. He was good. There was nothing else on TV. Look at, first of all, there, or something. Yeah, yeah. It was good. It was really good. He was good. There was nothing else on TV. Look, first of all, there was three channels, three and a half channels. Yeah. You could get channel 12 from Manchester, and it was like watching a snowstorm. Manchester, New Hampshire.

Oh, and channel 10 from Providence, Rhode Island, and that was a snowstorm too. But I would watch Pixels. I didn't care. As long as I could hear it, I was fine with it. Even old movies that – oh, God, what was that? Missile to the Moon. You ever see that one, Gilbert? There was another picture that sort of emulated that called Catwomen on the Moon.

I don't know if it was Roger Corman or not, but Missile to the Moon was so crazy because these two criminals are hiding in a rocket ship, you know? Nobody will ever find us in here. I don't know, Gary. I don't know. Maybe we better get out of here. And all of a sudden the door is shut

and the rocket is getting ready to take off to the moon. And they go to the moon. And they go to the moon, and they find all this. They find the jewels are so prominent and everything. And then they go to steal some jewels that were in the caves, and this giant, phony spider shows up. And it was, I know sound, and I know it was some schmo on a mic doing the spider noise like. Who else listens to that and knows what it is? Billy West. Jesus.

I know, it was some Billy West back in 1959. You're a George Pal guy, aren't you, Bill? I am. You're a big George Pal guy. Gilbert loves Seven Faces of Dr. Lau. I love that, too. Yeah. Jesus.

Oh, Mike, the world is so filled with wonderful things. I know, Dr. Lau, but you're leaving. How do you know it's going to be good for me? I don't. Neither do I. how do you know it's going to be good for me? I don't. Neither do I.

You know, he would switch from like this sanitarian, this like, you know, orator, because he did have a great voice. Tony Randall. You know, into everybody's worst nightmare of a Chinese impression. He's the circus of Dr. Lo. Who tell you things that you don't know you know and I'm

I watched it one time like about five years ago and I was like going oh it's like a car crash but there was good but there was good stuff in the movie though

it's like going back and trying to watch a Peter Sellers movie and it's like yeah you know the Marx Brothers. What about Lolita?

Crazy. He was great in Lolita. That holds up like crazy. Yeah, yeah, Quilty. He corners James Mason on the porch, you know, because he's got, he, Quilty is banging Lolita. He's like a guru to her, and James Mason is madly in love with her. guru to her and James Mason is madly in love with her. And so this Quilty kept changing his identity and he wanted to give,

what's his name? Shit. What's his name? James Mason. James Mason. And he goes, well, I see you're out here hanging around. That's good. That's good. I came out to hang around too.

And, you know, a couple of guys like us, you know, sometimes they hang around. And he was doing this whole, like, pickup rap. And James Mason was, you know, he was homosexual. And he's acting like this is really bothering him. You know, he was like, you know, oh, stop it. You know, like, that was really creepy. Ooh.

Well, it was. I remember Peter Sellers keeps saying, yeah, You know, like, that was a really creepy. Ooh. Lolita? Oh, it was. I remember Peter Sellers keeps saying, yeah, you know, because we're two normal guys. Two normal guys. Now and then a couple of normal guys like us want to get together, you know, and there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, you're normal and I'm normal. But it was this beautiful, I think he probably pulled it out of his ass to tell you the truth. And I just, I loved it. Isn't he playing ping pong at one point in that movie?

Claire Quilty? Yes. Yeah, he's playing table tennis. But he, what was the weirdest part? Oh, when James Mason is looking for a place to live, you know, because he's a teacher in residency and he needs a little spot to live at. So he answers an ad and it's Shelley Winters. And she shows him her garden and, you know, the cherry pies. You know, I bake my own, you know.

And he eats them too. Yes, yes. And he looks out the window. He looks out the window and he sees like a 16-year-old Sue Lyon, the actress, with heart-shaped glasses on sitting there as fine as you please reading Archie comics. And she goes, he sees her and he goes, you know, I think I will take the room. I like it. I got a good feeling. And she goes, so what was it? My country garden?

My, you know, my location? My cherry pies? And he's looking right at Sue Lyon and he goes, I think it was your cherry pies. line and he goes, I think it was your cherry pies. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Planning for a summer road trip? Check. Luggage? Check. Music? Check. Snacks, drinks, and everything we can win in a new game at Circle K? Check! With Circle K's Summer Road Trip game, you can win over a million delicious need for your sunny days delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost?

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Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. Bill, you want to try this with Gilbert? Is this going anywhere with all this crap that I'm saying? This thing in front of you, you guys want to try this for fun? Oh, yeah.

A Jessel duet? Yes. Gil, why don't you let me? Okay, but you got to call it. You got to call it as we go. You start, and you guys can do a verse each. I separated them. Oh, okay.

And then you can do the last one together. So Bill will start. Okay. We're going to do an acapella. Go ahead, Bill. What does that mean? In the nude? I think it means in the nude.

I don't know. I can't... Okay, I'll try something. I'll try it. You know, back in childhood days, I can remember loving caresses showered on me. Mother's eyes would gaze at me so tender. What was their meaning? Now I can see.

One bright and guiding light That taught me wrong from right I found in my mother's eyes That was a song. Okay, where am I at? Oh, my God. Rose, baby, tell she told that the road was paved in gold.

They used to hold their throats and do that. Like, see the tree, how big it's grown. And friends, it hasn't been too long. It wasn't big. He did crickets. Wait. What did I say? Okay.

Well, the road paved in gold and I found mother's eyes. Now you, Gil. Just like a wandering sparrow, one lonely soul. I walk the straight and the narrow till I reach my goal. God's gift sent from above. A real unselfish love I found in my mother's eyes.

This is the last verse, Frank. You could do it together. Coming up. I have an addendum. Go ahead. Wait. One bright and guiding light that taught me wrong from right. I found in my mother's eyes those, sing, those baby tails, she told.

That were all paved with gold. I found in my mother's eyes. Now, hey, hold on before you applaud. Oh, my God. And like so, I bid Gilbert a big wet kiss. Because I heard things about him. And like so, I run like hell because Gilbert has a knife. And like so, I kill him before he kills me.

And like so, I donate me and my tender ass to the Albion State Prison. And like so, I change my name to Lillian so all the prisoners will like me. Jesus. You know that part of the speech. Remember his Friars Club speech where he was so eloquent. I know we're just ripping him to pieces and making him sound like a marble-mouthed idiot, but he was more than that. No, he was so astute

and he was an orator, you know, and he really had total command. He reminded me of like a mush-mouthed Myron Cohen. That's a good analogy. Who had a beautiful voice. Yes. It's not a question. I heard that Georgie Jessel, like, toward the end, late years of Groucho's life, Georgie Jessel would shop at his house because Georgie Jessel had no money.

Out of his career, he had no money. And he used to, like, ask Groucho if he could have some money. He did eulogies to eat. He did. My God, I know this person. Because he was so good, but that's all he had. Why didn't you save your money, George? Would you give him money, Jackie, if he came begging?

Oh, sure, if he rose from the dead. You never met Jessel? Do you know the story about Al Jolson and George Jessel? Tell it. you never met Jessel you know the story about Al Jolson and George Jessel tell it Al Jolson decided he was going to give Jessel was so broke and down now he's going to let him share the bill and Jessel

before his egos he's like I want to be on the marquee and meanwhile he was a tiny tiny star and Jolson was huge and he really went to the mat that he wanted to be on the marquee and Jolson had huge and he really went to the mat that he wanted to be on the marquee and Jolson had him put on the marquee. Al Jolson

but Georgie Jessel. Which is just classic. Fantastic. Was there a record You Don't Have to Be Jewish? Was somebody like Bob McFadden imitating like George Jessel or something oh yeah

that sounds familiar he's like he comes running in the house I am thirsty I am thirsty I am thirsty and then he

goes to the refrigerator and there's some ice water in there he takes a big glass of ice water and drinks it down I was ice-icey. Adam Lester, you know him.

He used to tell all those old jokes. The guy goes to the doctor and he says, Doc, I swallowed a sponge. How are you feeling? Tasty. But it makes you laugh, though. Oh, God. I was just thinking about all these guys the other day.

What's the name of a nice city in New Jersey that starts with T? T-Nack. T-Nack. That's stupid shit like that. Bill, did Gilbert say a little bit of... Just go through the tunnel and watch out for those girls. They're not girls. They're boys.

Those are the tunnel bunnies. Did Paul Freese do one of the voices in the Beatle cartoon? Yes. Oh, which one? He did John Lennon. Because Gilbert's sort of obsessed with those bad Beatle cartoons. Oh, are you? Yeah.

Because it's like none of them sounded like the Beatles. No, the George was pretty close. The Paul McCartney wasn't bad, but John Lennon, you've got to remember he was the ersatz, what do you call it, Orson Welles. When they couldn't get Orson Welles, they got this guy Paul Freese. Remember in the George Powell

movie, Atlantis, the Lost Continent, he would go, Atlantis, the Lost Continent. And it was so cool that he had this big voice, and then he was doing, Atlantis, the lost continent. And it was so cool that he had this big voice and then he was doing, John Lennon. You know? Yes.

I don't know what happened to Ringo. Ringo, don't do that. You thought they all sounded like Ronald Coleman. Yes. Yes. It's like, that's a far, far thing. Yes, it is.

Let's sing our song from our latest album Ronald Coleman now was he a kid star at one point am I thinking of that

or Freddie Bartholomew Freddie Bartholomew was a kid child star yeah yeah he's so prim and proper this evil

Alexis Smith is standing next to him while he's orating at his father's funeral. And Alexis Smith wants the guy's money, and she shows up in this glittering gown, and he's trying to pretend like, I'm not affected. I apologize for the segue, but tell us about Disenchantment tell us about the new series it's on Netflix we're doing the second season and it's being received really well by the audience

that found it it's not like Futurama or The Simpsons it's something totally different which makes it beautiful to me it's not what you expect and I just play a couple of incidental characters but I do a wizard named Sorcerio.

And he sounds like Jonathan Harris. Oh, Sorcerio knows things that you don't know. And then there's the Elf King who sounds like Percy Helton. Love Percy Helton. Yes. Yeah. I's the Elf King who sounds like Percy Helton. Love Percy Helton. Yeah. I'm the Elf King. You know, it's like. Oh, yes.

You'll all pay. You'll see. You'll all see. All frantic. Oh, and I do the jester, but that's like a Phil Silvers, like a Dawes Butler, Hokey Wolf kind of voice. Mm-hmm. like a phil silvers like a dawes butler hulky wolf kind of voice and uh he he tells a lousy joke and they always drop him through a trap door and he always acts like he didn't see it coming how is that oh no uh i i once worked with jonathan harris yes then when they were doing this really zero budget Problem Child cartoon series. Oh, yeah.

And the guy playing Big, whatever that guy's name was, Big Daddy or something that Jack Warden played in the movie, they had Jonathan Harris. And I said to Jonathan, because I remember on Stern, they used to talk about him all the time because you'd imitate him. And I said, you know, Howard Stern would love to have you on this show. And he goes, never. Never. I have everything to lose and nothing to gain. You want to hear the greatest irony of all time is that my book got a spike in sales.

It didn't sell that well, you know, altogether. And all of a sudden, I sold almost as many as I did out of the gate. And I'm like, I'm trying to figure out what show I did or what I said or how the fuck. And what happened was Howard never mentioned my book on the show, so nobody that listens to his show by way of him had any idea that I had a book out. But now he has a book out, and if you buy a book on Amazon, underneath it says people who bought this book. Very good.

So people, and they've already got their credit card in. They're already clicking, so they must be buying it. Fuck it, and buying mine too. Not everybody, but certainly it only takes a tiny blip to make a big difference. Nice timing, buddy. So, you know. Wow. And I don't think he could stop that.

No, things can be done, Jackie. No. Things can be done. So, a guy's on an elevator with a big, fat broad. He says, can I smell your snatch? He says, no! He says, then it must be your feet. We're gonna get letters. We're gonna get letters. We get a lot of letters.

We get a lot of letters. Before we get out of here. Jackie always launches in. He goes, you know! He's like, reminds me of a story. I live for Billy's Jackie. Hey, I got one you can use at your next country club gig to open with him. That way he won't get thrown out until the second joke. A guy gets an accident and both his legs are all broken, so he's in a wheelchair.

His friend comes over to visit him and he says, you know, the guy in the wheelchair says, my feet are kind of cold. Would you run upstairs and get my slippers? He says, sure. And he goes upstairs and there's the guy's 18-year-old twin daughters. And he says, girls, your father just sent me up here to fuck you. And they're like, you're crazy. He says, I'll prove it to you. And he yells down to his friend, both of them?

And he yells back, of friend, both of them. And he yells back, of course, both of them. Oh, my God. I got to laugh at them no matter what it leads to. You know, it's like there was never any Johnny Fucker Fass. There was no kid that ever lived named Johnny Fucker Fass. He's deconstructing your jokes, Jack. At seven years old, you're saying to yourself, there's no such thing as Johnny. You know, we were talking about Andy's gang.

I am so fucking old. You know, Andy was the new guy. I got it on my card here. Did you know Andy was the new guy? Andy Devine and Froggy. But Andy was the new guy. Yes. There was Uncle Ed.

No, it was Smiling Ed's gang. Right. Smiling Ed, this big old fat fuck from Chicago with a military gray haircut. Does this mean anything to you, Bill? No. I remember Andy Devine. And Andy came, and he was the new guy. People were like, well, you're really fucking old.

Billy, do Andy Devine. Plunk your magic twanger. Froggy the gremlin. He's the original Bobcat. The original Bobcat. You were a big Red Skelton fan. Plunk your magic twanger. Red Skelton was great.

I used to watch him watch himself. I mean, my mother used to watch me watch Red Skelton because I would laugh so fucking hard. It was really great. Not harder than him. Yeah. It was great. And then he did his 75th anniversary

show or 50th anniversary show business or something. And it was so long ago that there was still a fucking television in the comedy condo in Fort Lauderdale. That's how long ago. I'm sitting there with Bill McCarty and Adam and a bunch of guys and all of a sudden

there's Red Skelton standing at the mic and laughing and swinging his arms and they're like, Marlon, that's fucking you. And I don't know

whether it's subconscious or what, but he's standing there moving around and giggling and just so tickled with himself. I think I was already

doing that. Gil, didn't they tell us Red Skelton had an enormous porn collection? Yeah, I think,

well, I know. And Bud Abbott. Bud Abbott had an enormous porn collection? Yeah, I think. Well, I know. And Bud Abbott. Bud Abbott had a tremendous porn collection. Oh, here's something that... When he was relegated to the wheelchair, he couldn't reach the top shelf where he kept the best porn. Come on, Lou. Come on, Lou.

Get it right. Get it right. Get it right. Get on all fours. Get on all fours and help me up. I can't put you up there again. You're going to fall. No, don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it. Take this around the corner and give it to Mel. It's for Mel to hide. Stupid plays on words. One thing I've discussed with Drew Friedman for a long time is that, according to legend, Andy Devine and Clark Gable were having a gay affair. Is that in Scotty's book? No, it's in Drew Friedman's imagination. It would make a great Drew strip.

You want Billy to do that. Andy Devine and then there was Carrie Grant and Randolph Scott. Oh, yeah. I thought Carrie liked girls. When I saw those

two big beautiful boobs I knew that I was in trouble. And then Randy walked in. Before we get out of here, who's got an Al Lewis story they want to tell? The first time he came on the show, it was like 1986. No hesitation.

And he came in and me and Fred were looking at each other cross-eyed because we are still absolutely positive he shit his pants. And that's why it was a small radio studio and we were like holy fucking lord and he wound up being such a good friend and such

a talent such a wonderful guy but he smelled like he had shit his pants on the way in on the way ask fred oh my god i'm gonna No, you flies can't be wrong. Ask him. He was such a great character. Yeah, these flies are following me, and I don't know why, Herman. Jake the Joke Man. You know, the further you and Fred get away from him, the worse this fucking show gets. Bill, by popular demand, please tell the story of Grandpa's Restaurant with the two women.

Oh, okay. Jackie knows where Grandpa's Restaurant was. It was called Grandpa's Bellagente. It was a Italian place. It was one in the city. Yeah, in the village. Yeah, the mafia set me up. I could run money through there. And I got a young wife, that young chippy, and

I'm doing that slow moan over the satin sheets. And then Jackie comes over with his corn pone humor. No, he never said that. He never said that. I don't know. I just needed to say the word corn peck. Corn prone. So he's in that restaurant, and I said, geez, I've never formally met him, and I was just, he must have seen me grinning like an ape at him, you know. Is that guy a fraggler? Staring at him, and I was one of the last people in there, and there was a young couple who had their little daughter, and the father says to her, go over and ask him where he lives.

And she goes, okay. She comes running across, and she goes, where do you live? 1313 Mockingbird Lane. And she's scared and runs away he's a monster and he looks at me and he goes women

and then there's two biddies from the Midwest like Minnesota or something and they're having their New York trip and they're winding it up oh before we left we had to come by your restaurant and they, oh, it lived up to its promise and this pasta is so good. It's, it's real al dente, you know, and, and the other woman was like, oh, I agree totally.

This is beautiful. And, and he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we'll be going now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we'll be going now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's being as cordial as he can be. And then they start out the door, and you know when somebody decides to ramp up again with a whole new conversation, they popped back in and went, oh, and we're going to tell all our friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then the door closes and he goes drop dead he was sardonic but the guy you know he had a heart of gold you could just tell you know i dinners with him and stuff and he made everybody there was like seven of us, and he made everybody give him the cash. And he would put it on his card. Because I might be gone tomorrow, but I'll have cash. He'll owe on the credit card. That's how I operate. Yeah, yeah. I'm dead.

I was thinking about the old-time guys, and I said, God bless every one of them. I was watching shows, and all the stuff that Sid Caesar was able to do. I know. He wasn't for everybody's taste, but for some reason, I absolutely loved him. I wanted to be able to run those dialects. One time, I got to sit with him and have lunch with him, and these two guys I was with, they produced his little segments, the Sid Sid Caesar vids videos where they would interview you know Lucille Callen or whoever Bud Yorkin and um geez Larry Gelbart and um and he sat there and I said Sid I don't know

what got into me but I said, I just love you so much and I wanted to tell you a hunting joke in Italian. Taking all the risks in the world. He was like, That's gonna go, . You know, shotgun, shotgun, boots, and.

And I said, what are you thinking? He was so generous of spirit. He had a twinkle in his eye. But he really was thinking, I created this? I begat. He was just amazing. And Carl Reiner is still alive. Yeah, we had him on. Yes, he's great.

Did you have Howie Morris on? No, we started after Howie passed. Oh, because I worked on a cartoon with him once. I heard he had it out for Joe Barbera, Howie Morris. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. There's a Joe Barbera story at Hanna-Barbera, which used to be on before Ventura.

Coanga? Coanga. Yeah. And Joe Barbera took his secretary and they got on the elevator and he started to go up and he had this thing where you'd press the stop button on the elevator. The emergency stop. Yeah. And all of a sudden, you know, he would begin bumping and crying.

And then one of his best friends, also his security guard for a number of years, sees him come out down the first floor with the woman. And he goes, man, oh Joe what? I saw everything they had a closed circuit camera in the elevator that's great

that's great anyway we have to wrap up. Who are we not maligned? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Bill, you're great. Jack, I love you. Thank you.

I have autism. Thank you. That's why I keep cutting everybody off because I have no attention span. Oh, we cover the autism. So don't kill me. Oh, and I have low T. If you could do a combo ID and sign off and say, oh, it's Larry Fine. It's Larry Fine?

He wants you to sign off as Larry. Okay, I got to get my glasses. My reading glasses. These are fishbowl glasses. All right. Hey, Mo, you are listening to Gilbert Gottfried's colossal, terrific podcast. Why don't you say mammy? Thank you, Bill.

What does that mean? Only a couple people know. Thank you, Jack. I love it. Thank you. Thank you, Bill. What does that mean? Only a couple people know. Thank you, Jack. I love it. Thank you. Thank you, Gilbert. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. I can't remember the name of his fucking show.

I appreciate it. I always love seeing you. You guys are great. And our guests, of course, were Billy West and Jackie the Choke Man Martling. Oh, yay. One clean one to take us out. Dirty. So three guys are fishing in a lake, and one guy falls overboard.

So one of the other guys jumps off, and he wants to save him, but he keeps going down looking. Finally, finally, he finds him and drags him back up, puts him in the boat, and starts giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. He turns to the other guy and says, you know, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath. The other guy says, yeah, and come to think of it, I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile outfit. You know what? All I have is premises, Jackie.

I don't have any punchlines, but don't you ever get into somebody like, you know, there's a guy on the Lower East Side and he's got a power drill and he's drilling holes into his head to find trepidation. And then you're supposed to finish it. A guy goes to the library.

He's a librarian. He says, I need a book on suicide. She says, Fuck you. You won't bring it back. Good night. That's so beautiful.

Thanks, Frank. We love you, Gilbert. Thank you, Big Frank. Frank, Gilbert, Jackie, I love you guys. I love you, Bill. Billy, I love you. Thank you so much.

This is a great one. Thank you. When are you coming out, Jack? Soon. I owe you guys. I love you, Bill. Billy, I love you. Thank you so much. This is a great one. Thank you. When are you coming out, Jack? Soon. Soon. I owe you. I can't breathe. I'm going to go. Mike McPadden, Greg Pair, and John Bradley-Seals. Special audio contributions by John Beach.

Special thanks to John Fodiatis, John Murray, and Paul Rayburn.