Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 47. Craig Bierko

Episode Date: April 19, 2015

Actor and singer Craig Bierko has appeared in movies ("Cinderella Man," "The Long Kiss Goodnight"), hit TV series ("Damages," "Boston Legal") and Tony-nominated musicals ("The Music Man," "Guys and Dolls") and worked alongside comedy icons like Larry David, Bob Newhart and the Zucker Brothers. Craig stopped by Gilbert's apartment to present Gilbert with a birthday gift, to take a few personal phone calls and to regale Gilbert and Frank with stories and anecdotes featuring everyone from Norman Mailer to Bishop Fulton Sheen. Also, Craig goes toe-to-toe with Russell Crowe, turns down the role of Chandler Bing (!) and takes a bath with John Malkovich. PLUS: Wilford Brimley! David (or Bill) Huddleston! George Harrison sings "Oh! My Pa-Pa"! And the strange death of Parkyakarkus! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You start. You start. I thought we were going counterclockwise. We'll go start. We'll start going clockwise. Go ahead. Hi. We'll go start. We'll start going counterclockwise. Go ahead. Hi. Go now.

Start. I think we already have hi. So that's good. All right. So I don't need to say hi. This is Gilbert Gottfried. And this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre.

Our guest today is an actor and singer, yes, singer, who has appeared in dozens of films and TV shows, including the movies The Long Kiss Goodnight, Sour Grapes Scary Movie, and Cinderella Man. His TV work includes Wings, Murphy Brown, Mad About You, Ally McBeal, Sex and the City, Boston Legal, and Damages. He was nominated for a Tony for his memorable performance

as Harold Hill in the Broadway revival of The Music Man. And most important, he feels connected to his Jewish heritage. Welcome to the show, our friend Craig Bierko. It's the person who wrote it, but it says resented, not connected. That's a lie. Resents his Jewish heritage. Yeah, let's see, because I had read this at one point, and I misquoted it, as you were proud of me. How long were you misquoted?

You got you one twice, didn't you? Yes. So you're not proud of your Jewish heritage. I am very proud of my Jewish heritage and claim it when it suits me, which sounds offensive, but the Orthodox, they get it. The Orthodox gets me. I'm good for the Orthodox. Now, but your mother. I'm wearing orthodox.

Are you? Your mother was a Jew. Yes, is a Jew. She's still alive. Well, hey, wait a second. But she stopped being a Jew. You can't stop being a Jew. You can't stop being a Jew.

I wish I could. Oh, God. There's always a close-up. Our friend Tom Leopold stopped being a Jew and became a Catholic. Well, no, he's not. If his mother's a Jew, then the people in the synagogue, we're all sharing a private little laugh at Tom's expense because you can't leave. And it's the creepiest term mankind has ever invented. And, of course, it's credited to the Jews.

And the eyes of the synagogue. Once a Jew, always a Jew. That was a sitcom. I started. Eyes of the synagogue? No, no. Once a Jew, always a Jew. That was a sitcom. I started. Eyes of the Cynic. No, no. Once a Jew, Always a Jew. Jack Guilford.

And Bill Macy. Jack Guilford and Bill Macy. That's right. They were both sloppy. They were both sloppy. And the network said, you know what? Let's try something else. What if they're both neat?

And then 12 years later, they copied the play. Now, but your mother, born a Jew. Oh, yeah, right out of the box. From the book Born a Jew. That was another. Pat Conway. Pat Conway. Pat Conway.

Really? Conroy. Conroy. The Prince of Tides guy. Yeah. Yeah. And so she was born a Jew, out of the box, born a Jew. Yeah. Out of the Nana box. Hot out of the Nana box. And she she was born a Jew, out of the box, born a Jew. Yeah.

Out of the nana box. Hot out of the nana box. And she became a Roman Catholic. No. Well, do you remember a guy named Fulton Sheen? Bishop Sheen. Oh, yes. Sure.

Fulton Sheen, who was opposite Uncle Miltie on your New York television. Right. And he also, Fulton Sheen had a big dick also. Is that right? Much like Milton Berger. No kidding. You got it. He had a gigantic cock. Yeah, he had a big bishop dick, didn't he? He had a big dick also. Is that right? Much like Milton Berger. No kidding. You've got to. He had a gigantic cock.

Yeah, he had a big bishop dick, didn't he? He had a big bishop, a staff. He was a big staff. A crook. And he would pound the bishop every time. Oh, yeah. Well, who doesn't? You've got to.

He has a house that was somewhere around here. I think there was a big bishop house. Bishop Sheen? Yeah. Really? But he was on TV, and my mother still says, oh, he was so handsome. I was like, Jesus, that's what a confusing time. That's a way to shine your bishop with bishop sheet.

See, we don't pay you, but we'll be sending you a year supply of bishop sheet. Bishop sheet. Listen, we understand you're leaving Catholicism. We will have a few parting gifts. Let's tell them what they got, Johnny. They have bishop Sheen. Playing your bishop with Bishop Sheen. Actually, my grandfather on my mother's side,

and if I gave you a million chances to guess his last name, and literally offered you all the money I had. Kohlberg. Cumberbatch. Yes. You'd never guess his last name. Talbot. Not even close.

And nothing you say. And if we were here until the end of time, you would never guess his last name. Talbot. You're not even close. And nothing you say. And if we were here until the end of time, you would never guess it. Yes. His name was Distillator. Distillator? Phil Distillator, who owned Royal Jackson China. He used to distribute China all over the world. And then people were turning off podcasts all across the country.

Yes. Anyway, my grandfather was very, very wealthy and said, well, if you're going to be Catholic. Because they were Christmas tree Jews. You know what I mean? Which is they never went to synagogue. There was never any of that. They claimed it. That was how I was taught.

Reformed. I mean reformed. Not even. It's reformed and then it's whatever they were and then Catholic. I see. Do you know – see, because I was always the kind of Jew. I never – I wasn't bar mitzvahed, never really followed the holidays, and I liked bacon. So your wife, not your wife, your mother, was you married your mother? This

is horrible. When do we start? Have we started? About 15 minutes ago. All right. Okay. Okay. Yes, yes. So all I was saying is that my mother converting was not a big deal in the family, because, you know, they wouldn't even have to get a new tree or anything. Literally, they had a Christmas tree. They were Jews. That's how seriously they took their religion. But they claimed it because you can't leave. It's like the Cosa Nostra.

You can't leave the Cosa Nostra. So is it kind of like if you try to leave Judaism, there's that one Jew goes, he'll be back. Yeah, there's another door outside. It's like the Truman Show. There's like, you think you're outside, but you're not. But he said, if she's going to go Catholic, get me Bishop Sheen. And that's the kind of power he wielded with the plates and the saucers and the teacups from Royal Jackson, China. And my mother went down to, and I think it was around here, some, he had like a big bishop house. And he used to come down,

she would show up for her Catholic lessons. And he was like a big television, tell them, tell them. Yeah, Bishop Sheen. Well, you know, he was a TV star. Yes. He had a big show. I didn't know it was opposite Uncle Miltie. I could have done that.

I just thought maybe you had, no, I had no extra information. And she used to show up and then a butler would answer the door. And then he would come down in his robes and vestments, and they would talk about Catholicism. And one time he opened his robe and had a gigantic cock. Check out my – This is Bishop Schmeckle. Now, speaking of your parents.

Now, wait, but your mother now is ashamed of being a Jew? No. No. No. You are? I am. Yeah. I'm ashamed of you.

He's ashamed of being a guest. Now, you have a large statue of Hitler in your house. No, I have a tiny little doll of Hitler. Carrie Fisher. Yes, that Carrie Fisher. Ooh, name drop. Oh, did you ever fuck Carrie Fisher? No. No. Okay. No. Did you ever fuck Eddie Fisher. Yes, that Carrie Fisher. Sent me. Oh, name drop. Oh, did you ever fuck Carrie Fisher? No.

No. Okay. No. Did you ever fuck Eddie Fisher? Yes. Yes. I'm fucking him now. Is it true?

I was bequeathed his foreskin, and I'm wearing it now, so I am. Now, is it true you would blow Eddie Fisher and he would sing Oh My Papa? And while I stood in an Ann Taylor bag. Can you sing Oh My Papa? And if you looked under in the bathroom and saw Ann Taylor, you'd go, some gay guy has an Ann Taylor bag. You've done a callback to the Perfecto Tellez. Yes, yes. I listen to every show.

And when I say I, I mean my imaginations. Now, is it Tellez or Tellez? I always said Tellez. Yeah, he was the guy that blew. George Maharis. Or George Maharis might have blown him. I don't know. How does something like that get confirmed?

Oh, wait a second. Wait a second. I was watching a rerun. He's fondling my finger now. Oh, is that your finger? Okay, I thought something. Then I'll let it go. I'm sorry.

I thought it was your cock. You have information on Perfecto to Liz? I was watching a rerun of Route 66. Not a new one. Not one of the new season that had a different guy. So I guess they replaced

George Maharis. That I didn't know. After he was blowing Perfecto Talese. Perfecto Talese. Don't confuse it with Gay Talese, the author. Yes, yes. Or Talese. I feel like we're gay talese, the author. Yes, yes. Or talus. I feel like we're in a shopping cart on a racetrack. Can you...

Is this the fucking show? I came in on a train from Ossining. I live with my mother. I'm 50, by the way. Okay, yes. Can I tell you that? Yes. Oh, my papa.

To me, you are so wonderful. And now the shopping cart, because it's on the slanty part, is just tilting back and going. And it's slowly, slowly rolling towards the middle. To me, you are so grand. Oh, my papa, so gentle and so lovable. Is that the world you live in where the songs are just one note?

Is it just one note all the way through? Sing the national anthem. One note? Is it just one note all the way through? Sing the national anthem. Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light. I don't know what he's talking about. It's a hard song to sing. Gilbert Gottfried hit it out of the park.

First time. Didn't even warm up. Now, look. So you're ashamed of being a Jew. No, I'm ashamed of being on this sub-ham radio show that I came all the way in on a train. I paid $26. That's understandable. They said, do you want the receipt?

I said, do you know where I'm going? I'm going to the end of the line. They're like, Grand Central? I'm like, what's after that? I'm going to the end of the line. This is it. That's my swan song. An empty pool.

Well, that was a traveling Wilburys. And the line. Yeah. That's right. I love that song. Yeah. I like a lot of traveling Wilburys. Me too.

Yes. We're Jeff Lynn fans. Yeah. Big Jeff Lynn fan. Yeah. Big Jeff Lynn. Loved Zoom. Did you like the Zoom record?

Yes, I did. I saw. You and I. I was at a live. I was at the last officially concert. The one at CBS Studios? Yes, I was there. I'm going to look for you like the Zoom record? Yes, I did. You and I bought Zoom. I was at a live – I was at the last officially L.O. concert. The one at CBS Studios? Yes, I was there. I'm going to look for you in the crowd. Yes.

I'm in the video. What was that other guy? I can't remember his name. Pretty Woman. Roy Orbison. Roy Orbison. I was going to say Bruce Jenner. And George Harrison.

The other guy. He was in a group. I would like that. George Harrison. That joke would get a better response. George Harrison, I think, sang My Papa. The other guy, he was in a group. I would like that joke to get a better response. George Harrison, I think, said, my papa. I don't think so.

But he stole it from his friends. My papa. Let's get to an actual question. Sure. Speaking of your parents, is it true or bullshit that your parents gave you a middle name because they expected you to be an actor? It's the truth. Yeah, and your middle name is Phillip. No, my middle name is they expected you to be an actor. It's the truth. Yeah. And your middle name is Philip. No, my middle name is Burt Reynolds.

Really? Yes. Wow. Pronounced Chico. Yes, that is true. Both of my parents wanted to be an actor, but neither of them made a serious go at it. And they ran the local community theater, the Harrison Players. Why?

It's actually my mom. This is in Rye, New York, where you're from. Yes. We lived in Rye, New York. And so logically, she ran the Harrison Players. I have no idea why. But that was for a couple years. So in the fourth grade, I was an extra. Not actually.

One of the newsboys in Gypsy were the Harrison Players. But they did. They wanted to be actors. I thought, one of the Harrison players. But they did. They wanted to be actors. I thought, listen, just in case, you never know, let's not saddle them with a name like Bierko, which just sounds like, doesn't sound like show business. So we'll give them middle names. We'll give them a fighting chance.

So my middle name is Phillip, after my grandfather, Phillip Distillator. And my brother's is Lawrence. So he could be Scott Lawrence and I could be Craig Phillips. I was so nice to them. That's the truth. So you could hear it right away and go, oh, that's a phony name. Exactly. Oh, who did he blow to get into show business?

So they sort of, they wanted you to be an actor, or they were just in the event that you became one? No, they weren't. They were barely there. They were just in the event that you became one. No, they weren't. They were barely there. No, they didn't want us to be, but it was, you know, I think my mom and dad, when they first got married, they lived in a building with Richard Benjamin and Paul Apprentice, and they used to hang out. Is that true? And I think they thought, hey, we have similar haircuts, and we're attractive people.

We'll be actors also. But they really didn't take a real stab at it. My dad went into business, and my mother became a housewife. But I guess it was part of their world then. I don't know. It never really occurred to me how odd that was until right now. Now let's talk about – What's your middle name?

I don't have one. Jesus. You must have been an untalented little child right out of the box. Listen, don't even bother with the middle name. This guy's never going to get an agent. Yeah. My full name is Gilbert Maury Amsterdam. Really?

Yes. So they really did know that you were going to be a comic. Who was the first comedian that you remember identifying with and going, oh, like, do you have a heart attack? You mean having a heart attack? Yes. Who gave you that? Like, I was five years old. Oh, Jesus.

Are chest pains good this early? Is that it? That's a good question. What comic did you first spark to? Let me see. I mean, I remember when... See, when I was a kid, they still would show the old movies on TV, like the Mox Brothers and the Stooges. Jerry Lewis I loved early on.

Jerry Lewis was the best. Oh, so many. I remember the first horror film that I can remember seeing. What was it? I think it was Lon Chaney Jr. That's a surprise. Yes, of course. I'm a big Lon Chaney Jr. friend.

The Indestructible Man. Oh, I don't remember seeing that. And it had Joe Flynn. Oh, wow. Who would later be in McHale's movie as a man. Of course. And all the Disney movies. And the bad Disney movies.

And I forget his name. Robert Shea or something. You mean Inspector Henderson? Inspector Henderson. Robert Shea. Yeah, yeah. He was in that. Yeah.

S-H-A-Y-N-E. Robert Shea in the House of Un-American Activities went after it. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh, he was a left that. Yeah. S-H-A-Y-N-E. Robert Shane, the House of Un-American Activities, went after him. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh, he was a lefty. Yeah. I have great respect for him now. Yeah.

What did you watch as a kid? You grew up around... So you're not even going to wander close to the... Around here? No. No. I asked you a question. Well, he said he gave it to you.

In fact... He gave it to you. Groucho and Jerry Lewis. In fact... But I said, what was the first? Was there a comedian? And he just listed people. He's asking you a question.

Someone told me, my other crazy friend, Asherman. He said when they were going after Robert Shane, the producer of Superman said to them, The producer of Superman said to them, I produce a show where every week there's a man standing in front of the American flag who stands for truth, justice and the American way. So let's go fight each other and see who the public stands with. Oh, I like that. Yeah. I hope that story is true. Yeah. And if you look, his left foot's right in Chile.

Yeah. Which I think it's the Illuminati. I think there were some messages being said. Can we talk about the dumbest fucking move you've ever made in your life? Jesus, start somewhere. That's a jump. Other than this show. The dumbest.

Other than agreeing to this. Oh, I thought you said movie, but move. Yeah, no, move dumbest. Other than agreeing to this. Oh, I thought you said movie, but move. Yeah, no, move. Okay. You turned down the part of Chandler Bing on Frank. He's really going for it, Craig. No, no, no. This is a misconception.

I'd like to clear this up right now. I turned down the role of Rachel. Because I said, listen, I went to school with Schwimmer, and I said, I'm not very uncomfortable with some of the inferences. First of all, he said, Rachel, if you have a Puerto Rican accent, it's fine. There are men named Rachel in Puerto Rico. And I was like, well, schmuck. So I went in for the meeting, and they said, okay. And there was a hair guy there.

He's showing me this stupid wig, this like beetle, like comb over Bob Denver wig and I'm like, what are you doing? He goes, it's alright, you're not playing a woman but if you play a Puerto Rican your name could be Rachel. Just try the wig on. And this dress, which if you were Scottish, you'd wear a dress. So they had this, an hour

later I'm sitting there in a fucking dress with a wig and they got me in a falsetto voice. I said, I can't do this. Do you know who I almost am? I can't do this. And, no, the truth is, I had a deal with NBC, the network, the television network.

Yes, yes. At the time, they had a network. And that meant that it was a holding deal. So they hold you. You can't audition for CBS or what's the other one? ABC.

ABC. Fox was an upstart, a new network. And they pay you a certain amount of money, and that means you have to do one of their shows. And so you go to meetings, and people pitch you shows, and you feel like a big shot because you're making as much money as a dentist and you're just sitting on your ass getting bored and going to meetings. And then at the end of the season, that's when they roll out the really good shows. Now, I was choosing between a show that at the time was called Six of One, which later became Friends, and another show called Best Friends so I'm not a dummy

because they're not allowed to say do this show, don't do this show because they don't know what they're going to pick up but they know which shows look we got all really talented writers here and we got a really talented writer here but this show skews young this show skews a little older

they're not allowed to do that. So they're sending me a little message. Are you going to do, here's Friends, read this script over the weekend? Here's Best Friend. Okay? So I read it. And Friends was a very, it's a very funny sketch. But honestly, my reaction was, it's kind of, it's Seinfeld.

It was Seinfeld. Oh, yeah. And the part of Ross was taken by David Schwimmer, very good actor. I saw that. And actually, I was very good friends with Matthew Perry, who figures in the story later. Hold on. He figures in the story. You had done a show with Matthew Perry.

I'll circle back. But just keep that. Put a pin in that name. Matthew Perry. Let me write this down. At Hank Azaria. And I took them out to breakfast. I said, I've got our show. Because we were friends.

Very tight. Hung out. I said, and this was before they cashed from. I said, I want to play Ross. Hank is going to play Joey. And you would be a perfect Chandler. And I did say this. Went out to breakfast.

They read the script. They liked it. Now, Matthew was doing a show. Had already booked a show called LAX 2000. This is how long ago it was. 2000 was still in the future. And LAX, big popular airport, LAX. LAX 2000, he was a baggage handler in the future working with robots. And it was going to be a hijack.

Now, this is like, right? So that's what the show he was., now they shot the pilot, I believe. And I think they were like action. They did a scene and then the network went, of course not. Like it was the quickest they ever made decision they ever made. Like he went, Hey, where's the robot with the Samson? Stop it. Of course not.

We got five talking dog shows. What are you doing? So, so they stopped and, and he was free. Now, in the meantime, while he was shooting that show, I had to go in and audition for Friends and Best Friends. Now, you say wait. If you were awake, you would say wait. I wasn't listening. Didn't you have – I know.

You're not even facing me. Yes. And I can't tell whether your eyes are open he's going to have work done to close them more so anyway I had to go on an audition I said but wait I have a deal and they went yeah but we don't care. These are good shows.

You'll have to audition with everybody else. I'm like, then why do I have a deal? And they're like, exactly. And it's like all they do is just say fuck you in very polite ways. That's all they do. Do you have a deal that makes you exclusive? Sure. What do I get?

Well, you're exclusive. Pick of the shows. Well, what about the good ones? No, you've got to audition for the good ones. everybody else you might not get them and then you got to get part of the money back right if you it's ridiculous so I have best friends and friends I read them both and I go in on meetings I audition for Joey they're like and it's clear I'm not Joey I'm like you know yeah and then I auditioned for Chandler. Now, when I went in and auditioned for Chandler, my God's honest truth,

I said, I went in and I imitated Matthew Perry. You know? Which is, by now, you know, but you just sort of, you know, you hit a word that people wouldn't normally hit. I went to that, but, you know, whatever. I remember there was some, and I remember the moment when I got it.

There was some joke about, I dreamt I didn't have a penis. He's at the Central Perk or whatever. I dreamt I didn't have a penis. And they said, what did you have? And he said, there was a phone down there, and it was ringing. And they said, a phone? And I went, yes, sir. I was ringing and, uh, and they said a phone and I went, yes,

sir. I just improvised. Yes, sir. And I, and they all looked at each other and I was like, I got the part and I did, I got the part,

uh, which was a non-event because I thought, shouldn't I just have the part anyway? Cause I have a deal, but I, I had to win the part. I won the part. And then the next day I went and I auditioned for best friends.

I thought, this is going to be great. They're going to put fruit out. They're going to put fruit out. There'll be a table with tapas. There'll be a chef making omelets. And if I feel like auditioning, I'll audition. And I went in and I met this guy, Alan Katz, who is the loveliest, funniest, sweetest guy.

And this show was about a young father who's married to this great woman, but he's a stay-at-home writer. And they found this unbelievably talented girl who'd never done anything from the Midwest. And I met her and she was like nine or 10 years old. She was so talented, I don't remember her name because I think she left show business, because the pilot didn't go and she didn't care. And she was so good and we had such a nice chemistry. And I thought, I want to do this. You know, I want to

do this show. I want to play this father. I want to work with this guy, Alan Katz. I really like him. I like the people from Friends. But I thought, this just feels like Seinfeld. I didn't think it won't or will. I didn't, you know, that's the thing is after I said no, cut to me a couple of months later, Friends has replaced Christianity. Crusades, thousands of years, biblical stories,

people dying, entire countries flooded with blood, name changes of entire countries. This show comes along and Catholic people go, this is better. Everybody's like, there'll be this in Jewish people. And this features Jewish people. It's all about Jewish people. It's working.

The plan is working. But you don't know that. What you have is two scripts and a best guess. So I knew from the beginning. Now, it was weird because matthew was freed up after you know lax 2000 was freed up and went in and auditioned and he won the part i don't know who he imitated it would be i would be upset if he imitated me very frankly but but uh the fact of the matter is i really do remember going in and thinking, this is Matthew. And I did actually say, Matthew, Hank, we should all do this together.

And it ended up kind of working out that way. Well, Azaria wound up on the show too. And he ended up doing the show. They offered me – they were very nice. They offered me like occasionally guest star roles. I remember the first one was, uh, there was an episode where there's a guy who's talking.

I think he's one of, he's one of the girls is going out with him and he's talking to them and he's got his leg up and his testicles hanging out of his shorts. And I said, I can't have the cast of friends. I'm okay with this. It's weird because I walk into restaurants. Now I'm the guy in Hollywood who everybody knows he passed on friends.

Like I took a tumor, like I took a tumor and bit into it like an apple going, what the fuck? Like I'm the guy in Hollywood who everybody knows he passed on Friends. Like I took a tumor and bit into it like an apple going, what the fuck? Like I'm some lunatic. Why'd you pass on Friends? Because it was just a pilot. Why'd you get on the plane that crashed? What are you, crazy?

I should have just gone to Denver. That's so crazy. But that's the way everybody thinks. I went into a meeting, because I signed a deal with a studio the next year, and I went into a meeting, and the casting woman started the meeting with, you passed on Friends? I was like, that's a nice start. That's how you started?

That's a great opening. But that's Hollywood. And it's kind of like everybody knew Friends was going to be the biggest hit of all time. The thing is, you can't regret something. I regret having you on as a guest. I regret being here. I regretted it. And I'll tell you something.

I regretted your birthday party, which was wonderful. And this was nothing against the party. That was a good party. It was nothing against the party. But while you went around, we didn't really know each other, which I thought – In 10 years, the 10-year difference, I'll be 70. If I'm inviting you to my 70th, take me out. Something's wrong.

Take me out. You'll be 80. First of all, you'll be 80. You wouldn't know it anyway. You'd be sitting there drooling, facing the wrong way, eating mayonnaise on your face. Hey, can you say, oh, my God, as Matthew Perry? I remember. Oh, my God, right?

Yes. Very good. By the way, Matthew is a really talented – the second I met Matthew, we did a show called Sydney. Valerie Burton. With Valerie Burton. Valerie Burton. The second I met Matthew, we did a show called Sydney with Valerie Bertinelli's triumphant return to television in 1990s. And Matthew was like nine. He was like 22 years old. And I remember meeting him.

I have a very clear image. And he made me – that's my agent I've got to take. I might have a podcast. I'm doing it now. How do you think it's going he's screaming it's like al it's like sitting with al lewis being electrocuted it's mind-numbing i'll call you later get the fucking work do something my agent yeah mother yeah anyway no uh bet you were doing Sydney with Valerie and Matthew. And I met Matthew.

I met Matthew and, listen, I was 25, and I knew funny people. Not a lot, but they were – but I was a big comedy fan like you. Like, you know, Marx Brothers. I grew up – and I said, this guy is – this is one of the funniest guys I've ever met. It was – it was like – it was – he had such – I don't know what it was, rage or whatever the hell it is, but it was like barely contained anger, and he had learned to, he had this like very knife-sharp, precision, dental instrument-like delivery. And right from the beginning, I just thought, this guy's amazing.

He's the best thing on this show, which he was in the Sydney. He was the best thing on Friends. And if I got Friends, I would have gotten it imitating that guy. I think he's one of the, I think he's a gifted and completely unique. And you know it because by the end of that show, everybody's talking like Matthew Perry. And then it was weird because in three weeks, the country was talking like Matthew Perry. That was strange.

And the only thing I thought is, you know, there have been leaner years where I thought, you know, what would help right now is 40 million. That would come in handy. Is it always 40? There was never a moment where I looked at friends than 40. Oh, because you know what? If I was in the – could you imagine? First of all, I'm a colossus. I'm like 6'5". I'm like an inch under Monster. I'm like – Monster, I think, is 6'6".

Well, I'm 6'4". 6'6 is Monster. Frankenstein. With that cast, they're all – they're tiny little pen people. They're thin little tiny pen people. I would have looked like a... What happened to them offering you guest parts?

They offered a couple. Ugly naked guy? Something. No, no, no. The one that I remember was, I can't be the guy with his legs open. With his ball hanging out. And the cast of friends staring at my testicle just feels weird, you know?

Gilbert would have done that. He would have done that part in a second. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In Season 3, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White,

Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. Now, now, now this most importantly, have you ever fucked Jennifer Aniston? Remind me.

Now I know the kid, now listen, it's a talented cast. Remind me. Is she the one that I, whenever I have my hair set, they have a lot of magazines. She's the one. There's got to be more paper dedicated to Jennifer Aniston's life than the medical, than any medical textbooks. to Jennifer Aniston's life than the medical, than any medical textbooks. If you took all the medical textbooks and all the spiritual texts and added them up next to magazines telling you about Jennifer Aniston, which one do you think would use more paper?

And how many times have they used that term? I hate the term camp anything where they go camp Aniston. Well, as a Jew, listen, you have a natural sensitivity. Of course you do. Of course you do. Like when they go, camp Aniston and camp Jolie. Oh, I see.

Or when they used to go, camp Jay Leno, camp Coco. Do you hate portmanteaus as well, where they combine the names? Oh, yes, yes. With Brangelina? Oh, God, horrible.

All that shit just says says we should have stopped. People are supposed to live till 30. Yes. We're running out of shit to do, so we come up and camp this, camp that. I also hate baby bump. Baby bump. Yeah. Horrible.

You don't like that. Horrible. That's in the top culture. How about canoodling? Canoodling? Horrible. MILF? MILF? You're okay with MILF. Yeah. No, MILF I can't stand. How about canoodling? Canoodling? Horrible. MILF? MILF?

You're okay with MILF. Yeah, no, MILF I can't stand. What about GILF? GILF? GILF? Yes. Well, that's actually, if you're masturbating,

you're GILF. Like, oh, are you in camp? Which camp are you in? Well, it's just a disturbing camp. You don't want a part of that camp. Now, let's talk about Cinderella, man. Let's go. Because you don't want to talk about fucking Jennifer Aniston.

Why are you referring to her like fucking Jennifer Aniston? Fucking Jennifer. Who are you, Danny Aiello? Hey, how funny was that guy? Fucking Jennifer Aniston. Secretly hilarious. That was a great episode, wasn't it? Secretly hilarious Danny Aiello.

I listened to that show and I thought, I want to have lunch with Danny Aiello every so fucking funny. It can be arranged. Were you on that show or was that before you were. It can be arranged. Were you on that show? Was that before you were on? I have no memory of you on that show. He was punching me throughout the whole show in that real guinea way of, hey. My mother does that. Yeah.

My mother started going boom. Yeah. I said, Mom, I'm a trained pretend boxer. I'll take you out. Stop hitting me. I got reflexes. So he was everything. Every time he's making a point, he'd start punching me.

Two minutes into the show, he calls Scorsese a dwarf. Oh, I remember that. Because Gilbert's first question was, who do you hate? And he just ran with it. He just had this wonderful kind of – And he read off the train schedule, which was brilliant. He used to be the dispatcher for the MTA.

He read the entire train schedule. We were thrilled with that. He's beautiful. Now, so, Cinderella Man. And one more thing about Aiello. The movie Once Around, I saw two movies ever, two movies I went the following day

to see it again. Richard Dreyfuss and Holly... It was The Deer Hunter. I was like, I can't believe, went the following day to see it again. Richard Dreyfuss and Holly. It was The Deer Hunter. I was like, I can't believe because that movie was told in real time. Yes. And it was like that. But I went again because I loved it so much. And then Once Around, I was like, that was entirely delightful from start to finish.

Did you ever see Once Around? And he is so funny. And Danny Aileo is so brilliant in that. You haven't seen it. I've seen bits and pieces. Is that where? You don't have to lie. You don't have is so brilliant in that. You haven't seen it. I've seen bits and pieces. Is that where? You don't have to lie. You don't have to lie.

I just said you didn't see it. No, no. That's where Richard Dreyfuss makes a speech at one point at the wedding. That's right. He's sort of overstepping his bounds. That's a totally inappropriate speech. Danny Aileo does this one thing where he wakes up. Oh, God.

I can't remember what he says. But he wakes. Anyway, he's so brilliant in that movie. I just came to see this actor. I just wanted to spend time with this character again. He was so great. Yeah, but if you remember that episode, everything we talked about, all the good work he did, he just drove it down.

We said, moonstruck. He said, oh, what a piece of shit. Oh, really? I like that movie. I like that movie a lot. And I like anything he's in. He's funny. Underrated.

Why am I kissing his ass? Can he help me? No, but you can have lunch with him at the Friars. I would love to have lunch with him. Now, God damn it. Hello. Angry Gilbert. America's never seen this guy.

Scorsese. Yeah. Get him up. So in Cinderella Man, you played Max Baer. Yes. Max Baer Sr., father of Jethro. Yes. Who was Max Baer. Yes. And now... Max Bayer Sr., father of Jethro. Yes. Who was his son? Whose son would later be

on Beverly Hillbillies. Correct. Yes, he would. Now... Buddy Epson. In the movie, Max Bayer is made to look really obnoxious and like a mean guy. And... But I heard it wasn't like that. Not at all.

The more I researched, which is my term for they sent me film and I looked at it. I never stood up. I had somebody turning it on and off. I don't mean to imply I worked. Someone else watched it and you said so. My imaginary assistant, Keith,

said, listen, this guy's interesting. And I went, tell me something I don't fucking know. Everybody I play is interesting. Get me an egg. I love that you have an imaginary assistant. He's very good. Keith, bit of a prick. Lives with his mother.

So we have a lot in common. So you researched it, or Keith researched it. And first of all, they tried to make this guy a movie star because he was so charming. And this was pre-heavyweight. The boxing industry wasn't – it hadn't been – what's his name? King with the – Oh, John King. John King.

So heavyweight fighters were just still meat and potato guys. They'd fight – they didn't fight like once every three years. They fought like three times a week yeah and they were there they were just swollen people you know and they would and the gloves were like closer to like isotone or mittens you know they were just something you had to cover your knuckles and and you know but just a little bit more padding. And these guys would really knock the shit out of each other. And they would just – they'd fight a couple times a week. He was a – first of all, he was a fascinating guy.

He was the Livermore lip. And I think he got this strong right because he grew up in Livermore, California. And he grew up slaughtering cattle with a sledgehammer. Yeah, yeah. Like you did. Where did you grow up? Save you at the same childhood. So it was like watching Channel 9 only with a sledgehammer and a cattle.

Yeah. I ate a hamburger, so it's kind of similar. You could get in this guy's skin. So he grew up killing, and he developed this right and that was you know he did he killed a couple of guys arguably because he hit them so hard in the head that their brain was hanging by a thread and the next day they're having a conversation and then he just went oh and then they died he did that twice and one guy who died later and one guy died in the ring yeah yeah and there's but it was but it wasn't instant it wasn't like

he hit him and his lights went out that's there's a moment where yeah. Yeah. And there's, but it was, but it wasn't instant. It wasn't like he hit him and his lights went out. There's a moment where they're like, I think I'm, you know, and then they die. It's a scary thing. I forget what it's called, but he did hit the guy so hard his brain fell off, you know? And he went, they had discovered while we were shooting the movie that he did go and try to warn him.

He went out to where he knew he was eating, I think, and he said, listen, I don't want to – you've got to – I think he felt he was – he had like a rifle on his arm. And an acting coach that I worked with – yeah, an acting coach I worked with came up with that metaphor, and I thought that was a really good – that's really good. It's like he knew that he could kill this person and he did not want to do that and he knew i think when he went to the restaurant to talk to um why am i blanking on the character's name but uh uh braddock braddock when he went to the when we went to talk to braddock he uh he was he really truly was warning him but they played it in the movie listen you needed to have a villain and you have a formidable actor who America looks at and is an icon, an avatar for selfhood and strength and maleness, Russell Crowe. The guy who he's opposing has to be formidable. So there really wasn't time for me to be charming and nice. I had to be a bit of a prick.

And I understand that. I think there were moments in the movie where I was allowed to fart out a little humanity. But I was very aware that Max Baird Jr. would see this and that, listen, who doesn't have father issues? But if somebody made a movie about my father and showed only the bad stuff, I'd have a problem. Did he ever contact you? He's a truther, by the way. My father? Max Baird Jr.

No, Max Baird Jr. never contacted me. And I was told not to. He wasn't going to be part of the research, which I understand. We were making a movie. And this was a fictional account of a real event. But I did read – he did an interview, and he was very complimentary about the work, but he did have an issue with the way that his father was presented, and I don't think he was on right. But he said he took note of the little things like his father would hit some guy and he didn't like to have sweat on his gloves. He'd always wipe the sweat off on his shorts.

Little things like that he said he saw and that was pleasant to see and feel like he was seeing his dad. That made me very proud. But the script and all that stuff, that's not my issue. I can't control any of that, how he's perceived. But I do, whenever I talk about it, I do say, look, it's a movie. Of course. Because this is, he was a truly charming guy. They did try to make, he was so charming and good looking, they tried to make him a movie star.

He did a movie called the, what was it, The Prizefighter and the Lady. Literally, they were like, we need a title. We're opening. Yeah, yeah. Shit. They thought so little of this movie that they didn't even title it. They were like, Prizefighter and the Lady, put it up. And it was called Prizefighter and the Lady, and he dances, he sings.

By all accounts, he was a likable guy. Very, very, very likable. But there's a big dance. I mean, his life story would be great. I think he died kind of early. I still want to do something with, now that I'm a little bit older, I would love to do, even if it's a stage thing, revisit the character and fill it out more and tell a story. Because he's a truly, truly elegant guy before boxing had any of that. There was no Muhammad Ali.

In fact, he fought Joe Louis, and it looks, you can actually see like two kinds of, he fought Joe Lewis and I think Joe Lewis beat him at Yankee Stadium. And it was like two different types of boxing meeting each other. It was like, did you ever see those Cabot shows with the comedians? And Bill Cosby's on with Jack Benny. Oh yeah. And you're watching. It's a completely unique moment. Jack Benny looking at Bill Cosby

on television for the first time. And he's stunned. And he's under Bill Cosby's, you know, Bill Cosby's doing this bit about drumming, which is great. And you're watching Jack Benny see new comedy coming. It's amazing.

That's what it was like, this box. It was a different era. I did an episode of Cosby, and for some reason, Milton Berle stopped by at the set. The actor? Yeah. No, Milton Berle or Lumberjack. Oh, yes. Lumberjack, too. And I was standing there watching Bill Cosby and Milton Berle talk to each other. Oh, yes. And I was standing there watching Bill Cosby and Milton Berle talk to each other.

Oh, yeah. And they both talked in schtick, you know. Cosby would do like a long, drawn-out funny story. And Milton Berle would go for like the quick laugh. Slap him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slap him and do a buck-to buck tooth face with his tongue sticking out. And it was it was like a lesson in two forms of comedy.

It was the ever afraid when these guys age that they'll be having some sort of a seizure. And it's just like the show. And it's just he's drooling. Don't commit like this. We're just out of the rest. Well, two comedians died. Dick Shawn and Park Your Carcass, and the audience laughed and applauded when they dropped dead. Well, Park Your Carcass, who was Albert Brooks' father and Super Dave,

didn't he die at a roast, at a fryer's roast? I think he sat down in his seat. Yeah, Lucy and Desi. Yeah, he sat down in his seat. Arnaz and Ball, which it says. And then put his head down really quick. And they thought, oh, he's playing it. Yeah, he's so funny.

That's how you're going to go, the middle one of the podcast. Crick will keep talking. And Dick Shaw. That's not a problem. We'll just applaud him. We'll be two guests in. Does Gilbert smell funny? It's a bit of a... The smell keeps getting a little bit more tart.

You said you had spoken about fighting with Norman Mailer. I met Norman Mailer. I don't know who in your press office turned into a fight. I don't know what kind of – We got bad info. We got bad info. I bad info i'll beat the shit out of him yes well he knew a lot about boxing he was the one who's who was talking about how fighters once they if they killed someone yes yes he i i norman mailer was there that

was truly exciting and i that was a moment where i wish i read you know you got you're sitting there going Norman Mailer and everybody's like I'm in the movie and he knows about he's going to talk to me and I wish I had read anything he'd done I wish Gilbert had read the notes that's the charm

no you guys have a Dean and Jerry thing not Lewis and Martin Dean Jones different people who happen to be named Dean. Dean Jones and Jerry Van Dyke. They've never met and there's no chemistry, but you're them. He's Dean Stockwell.

Dean Stockwell. Dean Stockwell with Jerry Hauser. Jerry Colonna. Yes. Jerry Colonna. It's a possibility. It's a possibility. What if they got together? Nothing?

Let's go. But Braddock and Bayer became friends. Well, yeah, there are pictures of them together at fights. You know, they would go and they'd hang out with each other. So that's why there's not going to be, I guess, Cinderella Man 2. Yeah. You can't do it without Harold Ramis. I agree. I hear Murray's interested.

I agree. Okay, now is Russell Crowe as big a prick as he's made out to be in the press? I'll tell you something about Russell Crowe. I'll tell you something about Russell Crowe. There are actors who I believe they subconsciously superheat the environment that they're working in. And I'm not even kidding. I'm not joking. And they kind of create an atmosphere that feeds the movie, and that's what it was.

There was a – he was never outright – it was a very tense environment. And it was like I would walk in and there would be tension. I'd be like, what cologne do I have on? There's tension. But it was a natural tension. I never met him under any other circumstance. I'm sure if we were – listen, maybe if we do an Apollo 12 movie and we have to be stuck in a capsule together and counting on each other, he'd be a best friend. I'd be like, Russell, you've got to stop calling.

It'd be like Newhart and Rickles and I'd be like, I don't want to travel with you anymore. We'll do the Sunshine Boys together. We'll do the Sunshine Boys together. We'll do the female outcome. Also, it just fed the movie. It was not without its challenges, but I also it's the first time I'd ever spent that much time next to somebody who's a really huge star.

And I'm talking about somebody who, they've got to have the, they've got to build a little tunnel from the trailer to the auditorium where we're shooting because there are that many people hiding to take pictures. Like, I've never had to deal with that, and I would imagine if I did, be a little on edge. I've dealt with so little of that, but there were times I was like, not now! And the woman at Starbucks would go, I just am handing you coffee. I'm just a person. I can't go to the mall. I have to deal with that. I can't go to the mall because by the time I catch up to everybody, I explain who I am. All the shops are closed.

You know what it is? That kind of fame? That's what I have. So tell me again because, no, it's not the guy. Was he not trying to create tension because of your characters? Was he trying to react to this? I don't know because we never sat down. And he said, listen, there was a moment like that.

No, because we never sat down and he said, listen, this was – there wasn't a moment like that. But I walked out of there and there was some interview where I said – because I think he had turned 40 and I was like the person who wasn't invited. I thought, oh, this is a thing. And he saw that and he was like – he's imagining it, which maybe I was. Maybe he is one of those actors who – because I happen to think that someone like Pacino or Brando or Russell Crowe, any of these people, they're just good actors. It's the way that life coughed them up, good actors. And some of them, like even if I just don't buy that the studio made Pacino Pacino, I think the studio probably maybe helped him along or buffed some raw edges. But I think basically acting studios and teachers are a bit of a sham. probably maybe helped him along or buffed some raw edges, but I think basically acting studios and teachers are a bit of a sham.

Interesting. They can, you know, not all the way. They're very, very helpful, but like the studio taking credit for a whole group of people. You know, I just don't buy it. I think they're – when I went to acting school and I went in to Northwestern and I went in and the people who were good on the first day were the people who were good on the last day and the people who were terrible worked harder than anybody else and they were terrible. But I've made it despite how bad I am. You don't have great respect for acting schools then uh i have respect for great acting teachers

i think that's credible i think that's true and there are and acting coaches but an acting school where you go in for four years and you you study acting i just looking back on it for and i can only look i can only look at it subjectively. I don't know. You went to college. That's what you did where I grew up. But you went to journalism. But everybody else – well, originally I went to journalism because I was scared to go into acting.

And I thought, I'll do the news. That's in front of a camera. That's how stupid I was. We interviewed Larry Storch from F Troop. The actor? Yeah, the actor. And Larry Storch said he was friends. The actor? Yeah, the actor. And Larry Storch said he was friends with Buddy Hackett, the actor.

Is this going so badly that you're actually Yeah, he's bringing back old episodes. You're just showing clips from past shows? You can't afford the clips, so you're just going to talk and tell the same fucking story? So Larry Storch said he asked Buddy Hackett He said to Buddy Hackett, the comedian, that he was thinking of taking acting lessons.

And Buddy Hackett said to him, taking acting lessons is kind of like learning how to drive in a garage. Interesting. I like that. The first show I ever did was a show called Our House With Wilford Brimley Jesus, you're a freak How do you know that? Does he have diabetes, Wilford Brimley?

I don't care Because in the commercial he claims he does Okay You're stopping your own show The podcast arguably is You've stopped it But you're stopping within own show. No, I don't care. I mean, the podcast arguably is, you know, you've stopped it, you know, but you're stopping within a stop. Just let me help you. Let me help you.

It's too late. Do you know who I almost am? Let me help you help you. It was the first show I ever did, and I played opposite Bill Huddleston. Bill Huddleston. Did I come up with a reference that stumped you guys? I know David Huddleston. Are we talking about David Huddleston? Oh, I was wrong, David Huddleston. Bill Huddleston. Did I come up with a reference? I know David Huddleston. Are we talking about David Huddleston?

David Huddleston from Blazing Saddles? Yes, goddammit. The Big Lebowski. Oh, shut up. Anyway, David Huddleston. He played my father in this episode. Don't mess with me, Bjerko. I won't mess with you. That was a knife fight and I lost. I deserve this cut. I deserve the cut. I'll sut mess with you. That was a knife fight and I lost. I know shit. And I deserve this cut.

I deserve the cut. Yeah. I'll suture it myself. David Huddleston, big fan. Yes. And very, very good. And so I'm between scenes and I'm talking to Jeffrey with a G, Huddleston. No, Bill Hudson.

And he told me a story. I asked him about where did you study? Some stupid question like that. He said, is it method? What do you think it may be? He goes, I'll tell you about method. Method is standing in a charcoal gray suit in a rainstorm while you – I'll start the story again. Are you going to foley that out?

You can't foley over gold. No, I'm kidding. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. So he says, I'll tell you what the method is. It's like standing in a charcoal gray suit in the middle of a rainstorm while you're pissing in your pants.

It's a nice warm feeling inside. Nobody knows what the fuck you're doing. That's the greatest Michael Huddleston imitation. Michael Huddleston. Yeah. I heard James Cagney had said that exact same thing. Maybe he was quoting James Cagney. So this Huddleston was a fucking lying prick.

Huddleston. Get his name right. He's one of the band's most important. Huddleston was a lying fucking prick, and James Cagney said it first. I still haven't finished the Bishop Sheen. I don't care. 1978. Let's go back to Wilford Brimley.

I stopped listening. We haven't even turned the mics on, as Gilbert likes to say. Go back to Wilford Brimley. You did Our House. And he had diabetes? I lied about having diabetes. You joke, but I don't care. Okay.

I don't care. And didn't you go back to working in a restaurant after you did Our House? Our House. You were afraid of something. Yes, yes, yes. Well, I did the episode of Our House and it was 1988, before the war, turn of the century, 1988. Gasoline-powered cars.

Yes. Telephones on walls. And the writer's strike. Do you remember the writer's strike? Oh, yeah, 88. We had a writer's strike and everything everything shut down you realize oh there's no reason for los angeles to exist because if show business shuts down then nobody's sending flowers nobody's riding limousines nobody's doing anything it's just rows of houses and

apartments of actors jacking off and that's all it One big booth. I do that with or without a strike. You've always been at home. Second home. And so I decided, well, I went back to... What did you say? He's crossed picket lines to do it. While he's doing it. While he's doing it.

And gotten off on it. He seeks out certain picket lines. Sometimes when I'm jerking off, there's a big inflatable rat outside my house. And that's how you know I'm jerking off. When you see the large mechanical inflatable rat. You know, you joke, and it's self-deprecating, and everybody loves self-deprecating,

but you were wonderful as that character. The big air-filled rat. What movie was that? What was that? The kids loved that movie, but the parents like it, too, because it makes points that are prescient. Did you ever fuck Wilford Burnley? When was I not fucking Wilford Burnley? That's, oh, God.

So back to, I mean, he was, you know... Mal Wilford Brimley won't do the show. I'll tell you something about her. She was welcoming and distant. That was her charm. So back to the Our House story real quick. Yes. So I had done one episode of a show, and then the writer's strike hit.

I came back home, and I'm living at home with my mother, which is so funny because I've come such a long way, because now came back home, and I'm living at home with my mother, which is so funny, because I've come such a long way, because now I'm 50, and I'm living at home with my mother. But I had to get a job, so I worked at the American Festival Cafe, which is what happens to the ice rink when people aren't skating. They put the thing down. Oh, 30 Rock. And tourists come, spend a lot of money for a club sandwich, and because they're tourists and they'll never see you again, you don't get tipped.

And so you've been trying to communicate what a club sandwich is to some German person, and then sweating your face off, running back and forth with a guy in the kitchen going, What are you taking over those french fries? You fuck! You fuck! And then running back out

and going, fries are coming. And they're going, Klaus! Klaus! Klaus! And then they leave out and going, fries are coming. And they're going, gross, gross, gross. And then they leave and you get no money and you're depressed. And I thought, I look like an idiot and everybody's, it's that guy from that episode of Our House. That was my fear. Somebody was going to have seen Our House and recognized you. It didn't happen. It wasn't a problem.

But I was, I was, I was 22. And I thought, problem. But I was. I was. I was 22, and I thought, well, it's over. I peaked. I'm not even going to get like a Jack Palance Westerns in Europe phase. No, Leone's not going to call. I just got a plane ride home. I got kicked out of show business, and I'm giving German people club sandwiches. Who are you?

I know you're from somewhere. Now, you were in an absolutely horrible movie. Oh, I was working? Written by Larry David. You didn't, now, you thought that was horrible? I thought it was horrible. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Why did you think it was horrible?

It wasn't funny. Oh, I don't... Was that me? Suck to high heaven? Hey, Larry. Yes. He said his ears were burning. That's right. Yeah, I'm talking to Frank Santopadre.

He finished the name when I said it. Frank Santopadre and Gilbert Gottfried. Gottfried. No, two Ts. Comedian. Came up with him. Improv, right? He's written for him.

Were you the improv or were you the comic den? Which one were you? What camp? What camp were you? Anyway, the phone bit's over. Okay. That's my brother. You've both had Larry David write for you.

He wrote a pilot for Gilbert. I was in a pilot called Norman's Corner. Oh, okay. Almost as funny as Sour Grapes. I'll tell you this. If Sour Grapes, I agree that Sour Grapes kind of missed. Weber and I were like, this is going to be like the producers. Buckle up.

Yeah. Buckle up. Buckle up. Yeah. Buckle up. And whenever, you know, because this is, you know, get all the mole walking in now because those days are gone. You guys are never going to walk in that movie. Those are good moments. Can we use that on the one sheet?

Yeah, take it. They have their moments. But you know what? When I read the script, and if you read the script, it's laughing. There was a giant funny on every page, somewhere in the cooking. And I lack the ability to look at myself, to blame myself, so it can't be me. Two very funny guys, you and Steven. I don't know what it was.

I do know he directed it, and maybe he shouldn't have directed it. I don't know. directed it and there were you know maybe maybe he he shouldn't have directed it i don't know i do know that these i'll tell this story but that and i don't remember his name but um he did tell me that he chose the cinematographer he interviewed a lot of people and chose the cinematographer because he was the shortest one and felt he could lord over him it's a good reason also he's after the first day of shooting he sat down with me alone he went listen and i didn't oh god i'm fired he went listen i'm gonna start chewing with my mouth closed because i'm 50 what the fuck is this i still chew with my mouth open look and he did and then that was

what he wanted to talk to me about. And he was 50, and I'm 50 now. And you know what? He had created Seinfeld, and I'm living with my mother. So there's that. Speaking of Larry David, you made another film that Larry David was in. You were in The Three Stooges for the Farrelly brothers. Yes, yes.

What would you like to say about that film? Well, first of all, I enjoyed the movie very much. I thought if you're going to – I don't know about recreating something like The Three Stooges. Well, Gilbert and I talk about that movie. I mean the three guys were great. They were amazing. I don't know. It's hard to say.

I saw it once. I saw it out of context and I saw it on opening day, which bumps it up. You see something – or the premiere. You see something or the premiere. You see something with the premiere. It's already 40% better because everybody's like, this is good, good, good. And I remember enjoying it but I do remember

when I walked on the set I knew Sean but I didn't know the other two guys and they said, when you walk on the set, it's going to freak you out and I went okay that's a cute thing to say I'll remember that for when I do Cavit

or this good panel but listen I walked on the set and they were just guys dressed as the three suits and they snapped they'd been working together for a couple weeks before the movie started they went into it and I was taken aback They snapped. They had been working together for a couple weeks before the movie started. They went into it, and I was taken aback.

And I don't mean taken aback like taken aback. I mean like when you were literally taken aback, when you're literally taken aback, and you take a step back. I took a step back. I was taken aback. Yeah. And it was really, really weird. a step back. I was taken aback. It was really, really weird. I know Will Sasso who played Curly

said the way he did it was he just imagined Curly working a marionette. He said it was very clear. He's never, ever done that before. It was strange. I never really talked to them about it. I just thought, I'm not a huge, huge

three-suit. I was more of a Marx Brothers guy. I loved the three-suiters and I was very, very aware of them. I stayed at home and watched television. That's all I did as a kid. So I knew... And they had it down. I just think making a movie

about something that's already burned... It is sort of like if you recast Blazing Saddles and just said we're going to do – First of all, you'd be like, why? It was a tall order. Those guys – but it was done with a lot of love. I think they – listen, nobody sets out to make something. But I remember we were – You were the heavy in the book.

Even when we made Sour Grapes, there's some things that just don't cook. But everybody is there and everybody is scared. And Larry David, I mean, I think it's pretty obvious. I'm sure he's very happy to be the wealthiest man in the world. But I think what he really cares about is the next thing he does that it's funny that he's doing, that he loves that. The next thing he does that it's funny that he's doing it, that he loves that. And so there was no cockiness, and he was working very hard. And it just didn't cook.

For some reason, it didn't cook right. But I don't know why. But the script, I mean, I'll give you the script. The script is laugh-out-loud funny. Well, we'd like to read it. And I hope he makes another feature. Yeah, I didn't like the three-studious movie. I know. Yeah. I didn't like the Three Stooges movie. I know.

Yeah. I'm getting that. Yeah. You know, can I tell you something that was going to be my guess? Okay. I'm sorry I brought it up. No, no. No, you're not.

This is that kind of show. Yeah, yeah. This is the kind. This is what. He would have preferred it with Sean Penn in the Larry part, I think. Yeah, it was originally going to be made with Sean Penn. Funny. Yeah. Sean Penn

as Larry. Funny. Go ahead, who else? Benicio del Toro as Moe Doesn't get funnier. And Jim Carrey as Curly. The thinnest man in the world. Thin and tall. Yes. And funny. And angry people.

Yeah. They smoke. They're angry. It would have worked that way. It's just like the weirdest film ever made type of thing. It's like an Ed Wood production. Yes, yes. Well, that, yes.

Just recasting it and reshooting it, that would be entertaining. I wish they would do that with certain movies. You know. It would be great to see something like, you know, The Swarm. And just if show business was just if The Swarm which is

what a reference The Swarm which is you remember The Swarm even as a little kid Michael Caine you're like I think they're just

blowing they're just blowing styrofoam black chips they don't even look like they're flying it's just chunks of chips that just

it looked like they made dots on the film, like with a pen. They just had someone shooting over. They had someone put ink in their mouth and spit it on each frame of film. I think it was, I don't know. But it doesn't look like a swarm of anything, and I've never seen a swarm of anything. But you looked at it and goes, I'll tell you what a swarm looks like. Not that.

Because it was just, they would go. But an all-star cast. Any time you saw them moving, they would arc and then shoot towards the ground. And it sounded like some guy in a mic going. Well, that was Henry Fonda. That was towards the end. And he was just passing gas. It was his colostomy bag in a tiny little hole.

That was his swarm. You're right. Yeah. Just awful. Catherine Ross. It was just ladies and gentlemen, bees and people who aren't dead yet. We didn't have the love

boat. They were like, we need to keep these people walking. Just keep them walking. Is she in there or am I thinking of the airport? Gloria Swanson turns up

in Orly to Haviland. One of them's in the swarm. I have to look it up. Those are in the airplane movies. The airport movies. They're not good.

Do you know that Airplane wasn't a parody of those airport movies? It was a parody of Zero Hour. I remember... Let me say one thing that you don't know. I got my mother's listening to this.

I remember catching Zero Hour on the Late Show, and it really is the exact same script. Yes. Even the fish, they're poisoned by the fish. Yes. And I gave up the wrong day to quit smoking. That's hilarious. You know what I've been looking for and I can't find anywhere is, and I did Scary Movie 4. Not the stage production.

I did the movie. I was there. I saw Glenn Ford do the original one stage. I love the one with Sir Ian McKellen. And a sex kitten named Lee Grant. It was her opening night. She bowed Broadway. Lee Grant was in The Swarm.

Was she? She was. I was in love with her. And Airport 77, the movie. I don't know who did the play. But I saw Airport 77 with Lee Grant. I thought, that is, that woman's sexy. And that was like the original MILF.

I just thought, she's beautiful. She's all sexy. That's the one with Jack Lemmon. Jack Lemmon with the mustache. Yeah. He had marital problems, and then he ended up in a plane underwater. They put a plane a plane underwater. That's the message. Now, the funny thing with Airplane, it's based on a film nobody remembers.

Zero Hour, which if you watch, you're like, it's as funny as Airplane. Yeah, and it's based on a film nobody has to know about Zero Hour to laugh at Airplane, and yet everyone trying to do a satire after Airplane, they want to make it exactly like a movie everybody knows about. Yes. I don't know how that – have you ever worked with them? No. Of course not.

But they are top of the line. So let me – no. But they had like a Bible of this comic Bible, which is basically the rules. And all the movies that copy that, like The Exorcist, all that. And even the ones that Leslie Nielsen did. They had these rules about jokes that you're like, oh, that's right. But these other movies, you can see them breaking it left and right. Like if there's a joke, if two people are talking in the foreground and something stupid's happening in the background, they have rules, you know, you can't,

they can't be talking about anything that moves the plot along, obviously, because the idea is they've got to be looking at this thing, so you have to just have chatter that, no funny names. Oh, yeah. Well, that was all kinds of stuff like that,

but there was stuff that was more complicated. That was one of Lorne Michaels' rules when they launched Saturday Night Live. They called it the Walter Crankcase School of Comedy. Oh, God. No funny names of, you know, the news anchor doesn't come on. Big wigs, funny glasses. Right, right, right.

These satires used to hire Leslie Nielsen, figure, well, we'll hire Leslie Nielsen. We'll make it a parody. Right, repossess. They did the X-Men. Oh, horrible. Yeah. Horrible. Yeah.

Yes. Oh, horrible. Horrible. And he was in one called 2001 A Space Travesty. Horrible. The Brooks one isn't any good either, The Dracula Dead and Loving It. No. I mean, Airplane is such a funny title because it's such a secretly awkward word for the title. It's close to airport, but airplane sounds so stupid for some reason. And they started doing stuff in these satires where they'll go, well, we'll dress someone up like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. We'll make it look like he's on the Titanic, and everyone will laugh because they saw the Titanic.

And that's what we're doing. Just go see do see the Titanic yeah there was a moment in Titanic I thought every I saw a Titanic with a buddy of mine opening day with the Ziegfeld pact and everybody's screaming and I thought everybody was having the reaction I was which is the boat sinking he just grabbed a hose he grabbed a fire hose, and he's going to fight water with water. That's what I said. And everybody's screaming and laughing, and I just assumed,

fighting, what is this? This is ridiculous. And the person who was in front of us turned around and said, I hope you're satisfied. You ruined this movie for us. You ruined the actual Titanic disaster. Listen, this is one movie I didn't ruin.

I'm not in that movie. I'm not in that movie. I'm not in that. He said, no, you're talking, making smart remarks. I said, somebody making smart remarks. And everybody was like, yeah, why were you making jokes? The boat was sinking. The boat was sinking. These two people were in love.

And I was like, oh, my God. I felt like I was in like the Planet of the Apes. I really was looking around going, so they're all apes? They're all apes? They're all apes. Yeah. I was hoping the two of them were. And I think he's an unbelievably talented director.

Now, let me finish. James Cameron. James Cameron. And easy to work for, apparently. Actually stunning to look at, unbelievable to look at, and Terminator 2, the movie. Hey, you just said a punchline of an old show business joke. Two agents are talking. Yes.

Which is great. So now you're going to tell the joke and drive the three people who are listening further away from their podcast machine or whatever the fuck you listen to. If only they had dials to turn down. No, I'm tired of listening to you. Can I tell you something?

Can I tell you something that your wife loves you very much, and there's no such thing as a podcast, and these are made of chocolate? Do you understand that nobody's hearing this? And that your parents pay her a lot of money to keep you off the ledge, that that's what's happening. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Tell me the setup. Jesus. What's the joke? Two agents or two producers are talking. One says to the other, you know who's the biggest bitch in Hollywood? Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep has no talent. She's mean.

She's stupid. She even smells bad. And she fucks everyone in town. And the other one says, hey, Meryl Streep's my sister. And the other guy says, let me finish. You know why you're a genius? May I? And I don't normally.

And people throw that term around. And I'm one of them. Not me. And I'm certainly throwing it around now. You're a genius because even though people saw the punchline coming, as far as you know, they stuck around to listen to you tell that joke. And that's why you're a genius. And I'm throwing that term around just like anybody.

Oh, God. Do you want to talk about the music man? No. I was never in it. No. No, no, no. Oh, you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What would you like to talk about with the time that we have left? Between the music man and the Cinderella man, that's the two of the gayest sounding superheroes I've ever heard of, and I'm not even clear what either of their powers are. What are you doing? Oh, look at this list of names. Go ahead. I'm going to take this card.

Gilbert's going to ask you. Here, Gilbert. We're going to ask you about working with some of these people. Podcasting. Go ahead. All right. What was it like working with or fucking Dabney Coleman? We don't have a lot of time, so try to condense it.

Learning. Learning. Go ahead. Learning. Gentle yet firm learning. Discipline. Discipline administered over long, long, slow, aching yet hygienic experience. Yeah, go ahead. Next name. What was it like working with or eating out Larry David's asshole? We can cut out that last part.

What? I stole that question from 60 Minutes. Yeah, we covered Larry. We covered Larry David. By the way, he's a genius. People throw that term around and I'm throwing it around. You should go see his play. Fish in the Dark. he's a genius, and people throw that term around, and I'm throwing it around. He's genius. You should go see his play. Fish in the Dark.

He plays live on stage. Give Larry a plug. Yeah. Okay. What was he doing? Getting out Bob Newhart's asshole. Now, she came up with Don Rickles. Now, those two were like, they were roommates.

They had a little, they lived in the village, and they had a little, you know, and they'd go out and they'd go to parties to be seen. You were in Newhart. Yes. The second Newhart. Oh, God, constantly. Yeah. Constantly. Well, it was all about – you know, we didn't have anything to talk about.

And I realized, you're not talking to anybody. Why are you always on the phone? You never talk to me. And he's working. He said, I'm working on material. But he didn't have a co-writer. I said, that's funny. He said, I'm working on material. But he didn't have a co-writer. I said, that's funny. He said, OK.

And then. I heard that. He stole it from Shelley Berman. Is that what you're talking about? Yes. Oh, I knew he was going to go there. Jesus. Yeah.

Yeah, Shelley Berman was angry at Bob Newhart for stealing the phone bit. Which is kind of funny when you say, people talking on phones. That's what I, that's. And Georgie Jessel used to do that thing. Yeah, he did it first. Hello, mama. This is Georgie. But they didn't have phones. And Georgie Jessel used to do that thing. Hello, Mama, this is Georgie. But they didn't have phones. Yeah, Georgie.

Your son. The one that sends you a check every week. Do you ever address it? No, no. I'll ask him about it at dinner. I'm not clear about that. Go ahead. Do you remember Georgie Jessel's big hit song? That was one of the albums that I was thinking of giving you.

Oh! One bright and shiny light that taught me wrong from right I found in my mother's eyes Those very, very tall

Of string-shell bright with gold I found in my mother's eyes just like a wandering sparrow, a lonely soul. I walked away till I reach my goal My We should point out that Craig brought a gift. He's one of the only guests that actually brought you a gift. Milt Kamen. Yeah, he brought you a Milt Kamen album.

Let's ask quickly about the music man, since you're talking about music. Meredith Wilson's music man. You told me once that you had to audition for Meredith Wilson's Widow. Let's ask quickly about the music man, since you're talking about music. Meredith Wilson's music man. You told me once that you had to audition for Meredith Wilson's Widow to get the part. And what was that like? Have you ever seen Nunfuckers 3?

Because you were going to be compared to... This time we're Catholic-ing. You were going to be compared to Preston no matter what you did. And it's such an iconic part. I was – can I tell you something honestly? First of all, she was formidable. And I had – yes, I had to fly out to Los Angeles.

She pulled up in a – she was being driven in a Rolls Royce and just sat down with her prim little Nancy Reagan suit. And I sat in a rehearsal room and I went, and I said, I don't know why I did this, but I guess I needed to, listen, I need to control this room. So I just said, this is from Pippin. And I started singing Corner of the Sky. This was not an ironic lady. She just was staring at me. But that was what I did. And I just, for some reason, I was like, I own staring at me, but that was what I did.

And I just, for some reason, I was like, I own the room. So I just did what I did. And you know what? I was ready at eight. I listened to that album over and over and over again. And I was ready to go at eight.

I learned the lines because I needed to learn the lines. But every song I had in my head. And there was a lot, you know, like, my timbre was like, the way I auditioned was the way I did it pretty much. And there was always lot You know like My timbre was like The way I auditioned was the way I did it pretty much There was always a little bit of pressing in your performance

A lot of it And there was a part of me that went I wonder if I should break up and do the You know I thought why This is why I love it so much This is kind of what He made right choices

I don't need to go left. It's a little mosh is okay. It's better to, you know, so the, but you, you also can't, you,

you, you can't imitate in through a show. You can't do that. You have to connect. So the most important thing was I didn't think about what it said. That's I sang it. And that's what came out. If I sang that Beatle song,

I probably sound, I'd sing it like Paul McCartney. It wouldn't be the first time I, it would be very sad to hear me try to do that, but that's the way people know the music. They love, you can't separate it. So what I knew, what I had to do, and I know for a fact the reason I got it was, you have to ground the character, they really have to be in this situation. The show doesn't work if it's just a collection of really great songs. It has to be,

if this guy doesn't go with this girl, if he doesn't realize that he's a snake, they're both going to spin into space forever they're going to just be lonely for the rest of their lives if you if you don't actually create that rebecca lucar played marion she was brilliant uh and if if if you don't have that connection and that isn't at stake people won't watch it and it won't do well and i think the reason the show was good was because susan stroman was – she directed the show very well. She didn't, like, reinvent it, which they've done on Broadway, which is almost always a mistake and terrible.

But she did the show. It was very clear. It said you can't wink at the audience. That's in the script. You can't be Chevy Chase doing this. It has to be – you have to play it for real. And also something had happened in her life, her husband was supposed to direct it and he passed away. And she mourned it

and she, within the year, took it over. And one of the most amazing things I've ever seen was she was directing Rebecca Luker, you know that song, Goodnight, by someone, Goodnight. That song. And it was just Rebecca and she and me in the room. And Rebecca was singing the song. And Susan Stroman just stood up and said, will you excuse me for a second? Went outside, came back 10 minutes later. Eyes were beet red. And she went, I apologize.

Continue. And I thought, shit, I'll never. I can't fuck off at all. I can't screw around. She just lost. She's mourning her husband. This song is just about one day I'll find the person. She did.

He died. She's heartbroken and directing and working. I have nothing to complain about ever. I better bring it. You were good in the part. Thank you. Thank you. That's all?

That's it? You were great in the part. You were great in the part. That's it. I came all the way from Austin. Yeah, yeah. No. I don't care for anything.

No, I know. You didn't hear any of that story. You know you snore? No, I don't care for anything. No, I know. You didn't hear any of that story. You know you snore? No, I would think. Listen to the story. Do you listen to the podcast? I don't recommend it. But if you listen to the podcast, if you ever do have trouble sleeping, which you clearly don't, listen to the podcast.

You snore through the whole thing. It's okay. I learned to talk around it. We're going to wrap it up. Okay, we're going to wrap it up. But before we go. Let's start. I learned to talk around it. We're going to wrap it up. Okay, we're going to wrap it up. But before we go... Let's start. Yes.

I have to ask you about Bathing with Bjerko and John Malkovich, which I'm going to say to our listeners, you can find online. Look for it. It's hilarious. How come you only did one episode, and how did you get John Malkovich to sit in the bathtub with you? Well, that I can tell you that we shared an agent. Oh, and that was a no.

We shared an agent. No, we shared an agent. Oh, and that was a no. We shared an agent. No, we shared an agent, and the agent said, how about John Malkovich for this thing bathing with beer? Because it was just an idea I had. And I'd been walking around with this idea for years, and I just thought, well, let's do it. And I told my agent, I said, what about John Malkovich? And I went, okay. She said, I'll call him. He's interested.

He'll talk to you. You go to the hotel. And I was like, what? And I thought, I don't know, like a, what about John Malkovich? And I went, okay. She said, I'll call him. He's interested. He'll talk to you. You go to the hotel. And I was like, what? And I thought, I don't have a birthday coming up. What is this? So I go over there, and it's John Malkovich. And I explained. He said, so what is this?

I said, and I was very aware. I'm in a room with John Malkovich. This is my opportunity to work with him. And I'm about to say this. We're going to be in a bathtub, and I'm going to bathe you and ask you questions. It'll be like Charlie Rose, except instead of a wooden table, it's a bath, as though talk shows are done. We'll never talk about the fact that I'm bathing you, and I'll just ask you questions. And he went, okay.

And I went, let me say it again. I want to have said it again because, uh, eventually I would be bathing you and I don't want to bathe you and have you go, I am. Why are you bathing me? And I explained it again. He goes,

I'll do it. And he showed up. We shot at a Carrie Fisher's house. Yes, that Carrie. Uh, go full circle. I didn't,

I did not. And, uh, and the bathroom was actually, if there was ever a bathroom where they should shoot a TV show, it had like a big floor room for cameras and there was a piano on the side. If you wanted to have Paul Schaefer, Paul Schaefer, if we ever did. But anyway, we shot it. We shot for about an hour.

We cut it down to about two minutes. And it's so weird. And I didn't even understand. It's hilarious. I was like, why is it funny? And we shot a second one with Richard Dreyfuss. So a second one exists. Called me while I was driving.

I almost drove off the 405. He scared the shit out of me. That's Richard Dreyfuss. And I was like, Jesus Christ. And he said, I'd like to do the show. He goes, now I'm not going to take my shirt off. And I went, well, I've got production problems. I'm going head to head.

Why would he be in a bathtub without his shirt on? Yeah, that's exactly it. Well, the whole thing is like it's – and so we got him there. And the guy who I was working with, this guy Rob Cohen, said – the Jew. Rob Cohen said, it's like porn. You get him, just get the girl to Tarzana and into the hotel room. We'll get the shirt on. I don't even know what that meant. I don't even know what that meant.

I don't even know what that meant. I have a feeling. So we got there. Now, Dreyfus is there with his wife and his daughter. Now, I'm in a bath with Richard Dreyfus between my legs, and his daughter and his wife are going, take your shirt off. He's like, I don't want to take my shirt off.

And I just thought, well, this, if nothing else, is a unique moment and the show was funnier than the first episode but that show I didn't Rob the other guy said let's just show it anyway

and I said it's funny we had mashed potatoes and he was building mashed potatoes everything he did everything we asked I asked, you did a close encounter. Everything. He did everything we asked. I asked him to do a scene from Jaws. And that's not a boating accent.

I said, but that's not the way you did it. He goes, that's the way I did it. I said, it's not as good. And we had all this great stuff. I said, you were good in the movie. This just sounds like you're some idiot in a bathtub. Do it. Do it. And he was so funny.

He was so game. But he had the shirt off. And I realized, oh, the whole thing is just – it's awkwardness. It's just complete awkwardness. And it just – I just thought I want to do it one day, but it has to be two guys in a bath. I think Gilbert will do it. Will you? You know what?

And that's the other thing is we realized that the show – that it can't be somebody who would do something like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. It can't be somebody funny. Gilbert – first of all, Gilbert, I guess because you would never be invited to do something like that. That's an argument. You could go that way. No, no, no. Well, listen.

Well, you know, there too gets back to those how like in the airplane movies. Yeah. They – I think the studio said, oh, we'll hire a bunch of comedians. Yeah, that's why. And they said, no, we'll hire a bunch of comedians. Yeah, that's why. And they said, no, we want like these acts. Isn't it amazing how you're like, oh, Jesus, every cliche down the line is true. You just said that. One person even said, why don't you just put like soap suds all over him?

Oh, yeah, yeah. And I was like, because that's white underwear with hearts on it. They're like, yeah. Right. And I was like, because that's white underwear with hearts on it. They're like, yeah, yeah. Funny underwear. Play it funny. So if we come to your apartment, there is footage

of you in the bathtub with Richard Kaisers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's invitation only stuff. Okay. But I do want to do the show. They still ask about it. They want to do it.

There's a way that I want to do it. But the dream guest is like Kissinger. Oh, yeah. You know who was going to do it, and I a way that I want to do it. But the dream guest is like Kissinger. You know who was going to do it, and I'm saying this to shame him because he backed out, was oh,

why am I giving him the satanic verses? Salman Rushdie. He's the nicest guy in the world. And a friend of Carrie Fisher's, yes, that Carrie Fisher. Who are you, fuck? I did not. But Salman Rushdie, yes. Jennifer Aniston? Salmon Rushdie, but not the one you're thinking of. Did you...

He was going to do it. Did you fuck Mama Cash? You're not interested that I was going to bathe Salmon Rushdie? Is that how this is going to show? I don't give a fuck. Don't mention writers. Did you fuck Maggie Cash? Oh, God. Cass's ass. That's what he used to call... Are you going to the Cass party? Yes.

Did you? Like an awning. Did you? It was like a. Did you ever go down on Thelma Ritter? Yeah. And you know what? That's why it was like a parking garage down there.

I'm going to plug. I'm going to plug bathing with Bjerko. Look for it online. It's brilliant. And I hope you do another one. Thank you so much. Thank you. Did Wheezy from

the Jeffersons ever blow you? Well, define ever. And that's gold. You want to cut it there? You want to do it at all? Oh, God. Come on. Okay. All right. We're going to do what we should have done an hour ago.

Wrap this episode up. There's so much we could talk about Do you ever walk around and go this interests me Because when I turned 50 But do you ever walk around I remember looking at people when they were like I don't know 75 Why don't people Do you ever walk around as I get older

I think oh now I'm the age Where if I have a heart attack people would be disappointed They go oh but don't be surprised Don't want to be surprised have a heart attack, people would be disappointed. They go, oh. Oh, yeah. But don't be surprised. Don't want to be surprised. Like a heart attack. Like the older you get and then it's like, oh, well, he was 50. Listen, you know, he must not have been taken care of.

Maybe he got a little – do you know what I mean? Like the older – Do you know – I just – how do 80-year-old people walk around going, Jesus. I just go – what's that? What's that? What's that? Is this that? What's that? Is this it?

Is this it? It's kind of like when you watch comedians get older, like when the three stooges would slap each other. Easy, easy. Oh, Jesus. You're going to hurt him. I broke my wrist. Curly already had a stroke. They start poking each other with their wrists.

Yes. My God, fellas. Hitting him. just started poking each other with their wrists. Yes. My head felt like you're stabbing me with your wrist. Also, my friend, you have a charity that is very close to your heart. Yes. That you would like to talk about. Yes. Great choice of words. The pioneers of the first infant heart transplant.

Baby with a baboon heart, all that. Really? That was Loma Linda University Children's Hospital. And I visited their amazing people. And I just want to give them a plug because they don't ever turn away a child in need, and they can always use the money. So if you want to text KIDS, K-I-D-S, at 27722, they will deduct $10 from your phone bill, and it will go straight. All that money goes to keeping Loma Linda University Children's Hospital open. And they're amazing people.

Please do that. Terrific. Loma Linda Children's Hospital. Kids27722. All right, then. What's your favorite gag in Airplane? And then I'll ask Gilbert. Favorite physical gag or line?

That's a tough one. I don't know. I'd say one, and then on the train, I'd go, fuck! Pick one. Why didn't, it's the guy waiting in the cab. Why was it just the guy waiting in the cab? I should have said that. What kind of idiot says, you know?

I don't know. I don't remember. I remember watching the movie. I remember, like, very clearly. Like, I remember watching it, and I couldn't breathe. And I remember, I've never seen a movie where I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe. Like this is – this is the way people sound like on those – like 2,000-year-old man when it sounds like women. Women are laughing like they're being stabbed.

You can't tell the people. Like that kind of – nobody laughs like that anymore. And that's another thing, getting back to how they wanted to hire comics instead. It's like they hired Leslie Nielsen, who would make those kind of movies in his day. And then Leslie Nielsen started to realize he was funny. And then he should never be doing those. And kind of like when they did the scary movies, these were the guys, or David Zucker. And I was like, why are you hiring anybody that funny like yeah i was mainly known for stuff that was so so i maybe there was an argument for like nobody you know nobody watched any of the tv shows and they saw cinderella man so you can do this but they had funny like people who were known oh yeah and i just thought or the guest stars you

know like the people who were like you know visual jokes you know and i just thought, or the guest stars, you know, like the people who were like, you know, visual jokes, you know, and I just thought, you know who I like, who's an amazingly funny person like Chris Elliott. I just thought hilarious, but he shouldn't be in the because because, you know, he's funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why? We're angry about this, though. Yeah. We're we're talking to someone today. This is Gilbert Gottfried. Jesus Christ. And this is, shut the fuck up. This is, I want to end the show so badly.

I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. We've been talking to someone who fucked Carrie Fisher. No. Yes. I didn't fuck Carrie Fisher. Oh someone who fucked Carrie Fisher. No. Yes. Didn't fuck Carrie Fisher. Oh, you blew Eddie Fisher. No, I went fishing with Eddie Bracken.

Is it Bracken? Eddie Bracken. Yeah, that's it. You hurt it. You mangled it up and scrambled it and made it dirty. I'm so sorry. Don't be potty funny. Nobody needs you to work blue.

Why don't you just be you? People like you. That's not true. They want to meet you. There's nothing in there. Would you like to say the guest name? Okay. Craig Bierko.

Yeah. Who is ashamed of his Jewish heritage? Now, come on. That's not incorrect. Come on. Thank you, Craig, for doing the show. It's your mother who was ashamed of her children. My mother's going to be ashamed of everything after this.

I hope she doesn't hear this. Oh, God. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the Internet. The folks behind the Sideshow Network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger. Schleichinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza. Our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more.

You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com slash wait for it comedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore. Because it's here. And it's funny. And I love you. A few days ago, Brooke Tudine posted an inspirational quote on her wall that got 17 likes and 3 comments. Thumbs up, Brooke.

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