Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 48. Lewis Black LIVE @ Caroline's

Episode Date: April 24, 2015

This week, Gilbert and Frank are joined by Emmy and Grammy-winning comedian, writer and actor Lewis Black. In our first live recording at New York City's Carolines comedy club, Lewis recounts some of his most personal showbiz war stories, shares his affection for "Sgt. Bilko" and "Amos 'n' Andy," and looks back on the day the Beatles rocked his young world and changed his life. Also, Lewis auditions for Woody Allen, Gilbert loses a part to Dustin Hoffman (!) and Sir Cedric Hardwicke fails to live up to his name. PLUS: David Copperfield! Huntz Hall! "Terror Train"! Gilbert portrays a Spaniard! And Lon Chaney Jr. gets Bela Lugosi's brain! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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on Twitter at RealGilbertACP, and on Instagram, Gilbert Podfried, P-O-D-F-R-I-E-D. You see, it's kind of a pun on the last name. Ah, never mind. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and due to popular demand, basically my kids wanting me out of the house, we've started to try out some live episodes taped in front of an audience. And this week, we traveled to Caroline's on Broadway, my home club, to talk to our old friend, Louis Black. Give it a listen. You'll laugh.

You might even learn something. Yeah, that'll happen. Let me introduce you to our sponsor, Xero. That's X-E-R-O. Xero is beautiful accounting software built to help small businesses be more productive and successful. Xero, spelled X-E-R-O, is easy to use. Send invoices, online quotes to customers, pay your employees, manage your cash flow expenses, and even your inventory with Xero. Xero is in the cloud so you can access and manage all of your business and accounting on the go. Xero does what desktop software does and more. Plus, you can use it anywhere at any time from your mobile device. For example, if you're working and traveling, you can send invoices easily on the go and clients can pay online instantly.

If you've set up shop, Xero can integrate with various point-of-sale solutions and services like PayPal to save you even more time. like PayPal to save you even more time. Sign up for a free 30-day trial at xero.com slash podcast. That's xero, X-E-R-O, dot com slash podcast. X-E-R-O. And it's easy to use. And even an idiot like me can use it. And trust me, I'm an idiot. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre and we're here at Caroline's on Broadway in

New York City. A place I think I've been to once or twice before. Gilbert and I were talking. We were here together working 1994. Yes. I was a writer on a show called Caroline's Comedy Hour. I don't know how many people here remember that.

Roasted by the late, great Rich Jenny. Thank you, all four of you, who remember that. And Gilbert, he did an indecent proposal spoof where he was Robert Redford. Yeah. In the tux. You can see the resemblance. Find the clip online. It's great.

Find the clip online. It's great. So our guest today is a comedian, author, playwright, actor, and social critic, and the angriest man in show business, not named Alec Baldwin. he's written New York Times bestsellers won an Emmy, a Grammy and an American Comedy Award and performs to sold out crowds in clubs and theaters all over the world his new film Pixar's

Inside Out in which he plays the character, yes, you guessed it, Anger, opens on June 19th. Please welcome our pal, Louis Black. I remember when we used to play to less people in this room. Yeah. Now let's start off with a very important thing. You just found out, because I told you that Cary Grant was Jewish. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a fucking shock. I mean, seriously, how is that possible? It doesn't seem, yeah. I mean, because his mother seems like she must have been like a German milkmaid. It can't be possible. And how did you find out? Yeah, how did you find out? Yeah, it's in the secret Jew news.

I've got to subscribe. His name was Archie Leach. It was hardly a Jewish name. Yeah, but was a Jew. Wow, I am... You know, something would have been good to know when we were, like, nine. Now it doesn't fucking help at all. No.

I heard Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia was a Jew. Now you know. Yes. With that name. Yes. Fiorello LaGuardia. Yes. Was it you?

Wasn't you? I thought he was one of my people. Where do you read this stuff on, like, kosher food labels? You could be Italian and a Jew, like Chick-O-Mart. That's true. Yeah. The show's educational, Lewis. Now, are you a Jew?

Because by looking at you, you wouldn't be able to tell. Oh, yeah, yeah, really. In Europe, I pass. In Europe, I'm serious. If it ever gets intense here, I'm fucking going there. They can't tell. I mean it. They think I'm Italian and I go yes yes I am

you talk with your hands yes, and I'm very expressive I am a Jew but I'm not hey, you know when he says he's a Jew I hate to like do a break in the show. I hate

to do, ask for a second take, but when he says, I'll give you the signal to say you're a Jew, and then I want a tremendous round of applause and cheering.

Oh, so what nationality are you? Well, I'm a Jew. You actually speak a little Hebrew, don't you, Lewis? I mean, now that we're on the subject, you went to Hebrew school. I went to Hebrew school, and I had... That's how you learned to be a Jew. Yeah. Yeah, because you had no idea. I went, you know, to practice for my brah mitzvah,

and because things weren't going well in regular school, I found a place where I could excel, because most kids don't give a fuck about learning Hebrew. But I thought, boy, I can beat these bastards at this. So I ended up, I had a massive, I can beat these bastards at this. So I ended up, I had a massive, I had like a 50,000 word vocabulary in Hebrew at one point in my life. And there was nobody to fucking talk to. Did you have to learn? Did you learn it?

I know, no. The only thing I know is... Yeah. Beautiful. Will I help? Yeah. Beautiful. Gil, did you have a bar mitzvah?

I never asked you that question. No, I never had. Why not? Never was bar mitzvahed. I'm a bad Jew. Of course, that's redundant, isn't it? Now, Lewis is a big fan of the Amish. I was reading in your book, Me of Little Faith. You admire the Amish.

Yeah, because they don't fuck with you. They do what they do, you know? They basically, they're Christians or Satanists, who knows what. But they just do it. They don't fucking go around going, hey, you should ride a, you know, you should not, you know, use motorized shit and ride behind a horse and sell cocaine in villages. In fact, I think their slogan is, we're the Amish, don't fuck with us.

In fact, I think their slogan is, we're the Amish, don't fuck with us. And now Harrison Ford is a good friend of the Amish. And he fell in love with that lesbian Amish girl. Kelly McGillis. Who's that lesbian Amish girl? Kelly McGillis. Kelly McGillis, yes. We would have been here for an hour trying to remember that.

It's my job. She just announced like a year ago. Maybe a little longer ago. Well, all right, two years ago. Gilbert, you love the Amish too. Yes. She said, I'm a lesbian, and the whole world said, who are you again? Kelly, help us out here? Yeah.

Could you toss us a bone here? Say something in Hebrew, Jew boy. Okay. I have cleared my act of all, you know, there's three mentions of it, and now you're just driving me back into it. You know, Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Malcholam, Meshach and Shana B'mitzvotav, V'tzivanu L'adlik,

Nershel Hanukkah, or something like that. Let's hear it! The fact that you applauded that is really, it's appalling. See, it paid off. Hebrew paid off. Now, you do a lot of political shit.

This George Washington. this this george washington what those teeth would or were they made out of ivory it was wood it was wood i learned that at the Smithsonian No, I heard it wasn't wood Well, I trust you Because apparently you know shit that no one else knows You have a book somewhere And George Washington was a Jew I just found that out In the newsletter

We were recording a mini episode Before we do these shows In the newsletter. We were recording a mini episode before we do these shows. We do another show about where we just pick movies that we love. And Gilbert remembered the tagline from the poster from a Jamie Lee Curtis movie called Terror Train. And yet he couldn't remember the name of the show when we were doing the introduction to the actual podcast. We have selective memory. of the show when we were doing the introduction to the actual podcast. He has selective memory. Yeah, for Terror Train it was, the girls and boys of Sigma Phi,

some will live and some will die. That's right. Anybody remember that? Oh, man. No, I don't remember it. He has selective memory. Boy, that's unbelievable. David Copperfield was in that. He was. As a magician.

He's a Jew. That's usually the guys who they told us were Jews. David Copperfield, the magician, is a Jew. Jaime Schwartz, the mime, he's a Jew. See, now, I think, see see for a while they thought like billy joel was the ultimate case of a jew with a shiksa and like spitting on his parents to be with this big shiksa and i think david copperfield outdid him because he was going with a german yeah yeah claudia shipper well yeah but that made me think she was her hermaphrodite that something had to be wrong i used to we used to work i used

to work the mgm grand in in uh las vegas and i would i would be the act that would come in he would be there for three weeks and then I came in for like a week and so all of his shit was backstage and it took everything I had not to go back and fuck fuck with his boxes and his magic shit

what was your opinion of Doug Henning? I never had a thought. Canadian. Is he Canadian, Doug Henning? Oh, yeah. The late Doug Henning. And his natural. Marty Short does the best Doug Henning in the world.

What did you grow up? You grew up in Silver Spring in Maryland. Yeah. So we asked this of all of our guests. See, I didn't get it. See, Silver Spring didn't get the same reaction that the Jews did. What did you grow up watching, Lou? I watched Gunsmoke.

I mean, I remember that one. You know what I mean? All right, look. The ones that I watched that really had the effect, Amos and Andy. I thought Amos and Andy was fucking brilliant. Well, hello there. I know you do it

you do that I'm going to steer clear of that you work on that for a while I'm glad you went down that road it leads to nothing but trouble as opposed to me you want to hold on to your career it's not so much my career but the people bothering you.

The calling up. Was it true you were on that podcast and did that strange black accent? Hey, can you name the two white, because they were originally white. Gosnell?

It was a G. Yeah, they were on radio. Yeah, Charles. Freeman Gostin and Charles Carell. Charles Carell was on? No, he was on Emerson. Surprising. Personal. No, they were.

But I watched, and I'm still kind of stunned that they took it out of circulation. Seriously, because it's not, there's nothing really to me racist about that show. You know, being the white Jew that I am, I will make this judgment. Only because it's everything that I learned in fucking theater school about, you know, basically goes back to Italian comedy. You know, all of them are stock fucking characters. They could have been white. They were fucking funny. He sold them a house that was in Central Park. The Kingfish.

The Kingfish sold his house, and it was just that. The front of the house. There was no house. How fucking good is that? It doesn't have to do with black or white. It's the brilliance of pulling off that comic turn. And it fucking fucked me up. I thought, God damn it, that's funny.

And Amos and Andy, see, people have that knee-jerk reaction. You say Amos and Andy, it's like, oh, that was racist. No one saw it. Most people haven't watched it. Yeah, I mean, he sold him rabbits. Kingfish sold rabbits to Andy.

The Kingfish was a con artist. He was a con artist. He would make his money off of Andy, who kind of didn't get it. He sold him these rabbits and telling them that they were chinchillas. And so that he could make, and how much money he'd make off of this. And he had a chart and stuff, and you just go, wow.

It was one of those things. And the same show, in its own fashion which is why i i don't think it was it was was uh bilko which was sergeant bilko which was brilliant and had and and a ton of great comedy writers came from there and but that show in essence same fucking construct you bilko the con man with a bunch of fucking morons surrounded by him, but you added the layer of the US Army that he could fuck with and that's where I started to really get into my little

well, it became my anti-authoritarian shit, you know that's like really, because it was I think one of the reasons that the Army never appealed to me was because to me the greatest single episode to me in television history, at least in terms of its effect

on me, but I just think brilliant, they induct a chimp into the Army. I mean, how good is that? And it's because what the Army has decided, which is so perfectly, and I was born and raised around Washington, so it was so perfect that the Army was going to create, do things better and faster by inducting 1,000 people instead of like 50 or 100.

So they're sending these people through, and the monkey shows up, his feet are there, the doctor's looking down at the monkey's feet, and he takes his, he just looked at 500 feet he's going like and then the chimp walks on he just goes okay and and then the chimp gets his name because the shrink is talking to him and what's your name it was in it was he already it was private harry speak up because he wouldn't talk so he goes speak up speak up and then the one behind him took down private harry speak up Then he's inducted into the Army. But Bilko wants a three-day pass. Fucking, I know this is insane that I'm even saying this shit. A three-day pass? What does that mean, Lewis?

It means you get off the fucking Army base for three days. So he tells the guy in charge, the commander there, won't give him the pass. So he says, you know, well, then the chimp stays in the army because you're going to have to court-martial the chimp to get the chimp out of the army. So the whole last third of this fucking episode is them trying the chimp in a court-martial. Brilliant. And that was truly to me, I just, that was it. I said, I'm not joining the army. And that was created by

Nat Hyken, who was brilliant. And he loved like funny looking people. And it's like, you know, it's supposed to like years later they'd be friends, where everyone looks like a model on that show.

And he also created another show I love, and that's Car 54. Yeah, which I watched. That one I watched religiously. Fred Gwynn and Al Lewis before the Munsters. And who's the other guy? Who's the short guy? You'll know.

He's Jewish. On Car 54? Oh, let's see. Oh, well, there we go. He's Jewish. On Car 54? Oh, let's see. Well, Joey Ross was his partner, who was one of the many comics to go, ooh, ooh. Because Hunts Hall also would go, ooh, ooh. And there's one of the few things.

Here's an interesting, something that no one cares about but me. My father was a friend of Hunt's Halls. Really? Oh, wow. Same neighborhood in New York. That's great. Yeah, the Lower East Side.

Who remembers Hunt's Hall? Show of hands. Yep. You're old now. This is what life was like in the 30s, you little fucks. Hans Hall was part of the Bowery Boys. Yeah.

Along with Leo Garcia. Leo Garcia. Another Jew. Half a Jew. Irish Jewish. Leo Garcia. You should start a business. Just identifying a cottage industry.

Identifying... His father was Bernard Garcia. That's right. Who ran Louie's Candy Store. Louie Dombrowski. Yeah. Oh, you boys! Get out of my soda shop!

It's a little like Stinky from Mabin Costello. A little bit of my soda shop. It's a little like Stinky from Abbott and Costello. It's a little bit of Joe Besser. Joe Besser, when he would pop up on Abbott and Costello. This is what the show's about, folks. He used to, as a kid, I would watch it, and I was very disturbed. Joe Besser? Yeah, when he showed up.

He scared me. Well, Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld were such fans of that show that the Newman character, Wayne Knight's character Newman on Seinfeld, was basically based on Stinky. They just wanted to do this homage. You can look it up. I'm not making it up. They wanted this character who was an antagonist of the main character. So Newman is essentially Stinky.

I've learned more in the last 15 minutes than you wanted to know. Do you know that Nat Hyken, this never happened. I'm going to get a pad. Yeah. And it's an outrage that it didn't. Nat Hyken wanted to write for the Marx Brothers. Wow. But the studios had their own writers.

And this was at the point where the Marx Brothers were like, you know, the big star. Oh, Love Happy. Yeah, Love Happy at the circus. They were on the skits. Really, yeah. And so, yeah, that's something that could have been. You must have been a fan of Duck Soup. Oh, it was huge.

That was another one of those things. That whole thing where they go from war to war to war, where they're just changing wars. What they're dressed in in their costumes. I love that. That movie is... It's so ahead of its time. We were talking about it with another one of our guests.

I'm trying to remember who we talked about. Was it Roger Corman or somebody we were talking about? Maybe Margaret Dumont. No. I think it was... Actually, it was Alan Zweibel. But that brings us to Groucho. You were telling us a story in the green room

about a friend that was developing a television show. With Groucho? No, you said you had a friend that was developing a television show, and they told him the demo was too old? Oh, yeah, no, yeah, because it was the Bunch Line. That's why I didn't fucking remember it. My friend had a show, the first real kind of like show where you could see comics predating

the Caroline's Comedy Hour and a bunch of the improv, and it was a thing called Kamikaze on MTV. I don't know how many of you ever saw it, but Kamikaze was, it lasted 28 episodes. The guy who I work with now, John Bowman, who's my opening act, went out to LA, and MTV did what MTV could do,

took something that was really nice and just fucking hammered it until it was an inordinate piece of shit so he a really brilliant physical comic they basically uh took him and made him just a head so all you ever saw was his head bouncing around and he would introduce comics and he wanted to bring people like myself who had not really nobody knew who the fuck I was, and other folks, and I was 32, 34 at the time, and they said that I skewed too old for the MTV demographic, and so did some of the others, and some were even, some were older,

and so he said to the folks at MTV, he said, what are you talking about? Age has nothing to do with comedy. said to the folks at MTV, he said, what are you talking about? Age has nothing to do with comedy. He said, my first comic hero, I was seven years old, and my hero was Groucho Marx. And not only was he old, he was dead. It's so good. It's so good. Now, two people in duck soup. One of them is Lewis Calhearn. Sure.

Wow, yeah. Who's the head of Sylvania. Sylvania. It's a competing country. Yeah, Groucho's country is Fredonia. Yeah. country is freedom yeah and but the other one the prosecutor during that big crazy trial scene is robert middleton best known as uh this is the i this is the end for you flash gordon oh he was ming the merciless ming the merciless. And he was like, started as a song and dance man.

What? What do you do during the day? You found us out. This is how this podcast came to be, Lewis. Wow. We would sit on the phone for three hours at a time with him on the road, bored, watching Canadian television and talk about Charles Middleton. Wow.

And we said, why don't we do a show? In fact, I'll tell you something really pathetic. While you... Not like the stuff before it was. You were saying your friend's name, Bowman? John Bowman, yes. When you said that, in my mind, I got... It lit up. Oh, that's like Dr. Bomer

in Ghost of Frankenstein where Lionel Atwill was Dr. Bomer and and and Lon Chaney Jr. was

the monster in that. Wow, that I remember. And Lugosi was back. So they put Lugosi's brain, Igor's brain, in Lon Chaney Jr.'s body. It's true. And he's there in the Frankenstein makeup talking. And he goes, you gave me the wrong brain yes yeah i can see dr boomer

what good are what good is all the strength without brains to see Good is all the strength without brains to see, without eyes to see. Let me give the audience some contemporary context on Lionel Atwell. Lionel Atwell was parodied by Kenneth Mars in Young Frankenstein. His character, who's doing this with a mechanical arm, is a spoof of Lionel Atwill's character in, I believe, Son of Frankenstein. Yeah, in Son of Frankenstein. That's where Lugosi first appeared as Igor. I'm trying to bring them up into the early 20th century. At least.

Moving along slightly. I'll move them as far as Glenn Strange as the monster, and I'm not going any further. Any further than that. Glenn Strange played the monster in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein because Karloff wouldn't slum and be in an Abbott and Costello movie. And he was the bartender on Gunsmoke to bring it back to Lewis. Yes.

And Gunsmoke. We've come full circle, folks. Wow. Wow. I'm exhausted. And still alive, who I want on the show, is Janet Ann Gallo, who is the little girl who befriends Lon Chaney Jr.'s monster in Ghost of Frankenstein is still alive.

She's 114, but she's still alive. As is Donnie Donegan. Yes. Donnie Donegan's family is here tonight. When you get a hold of her, and you're going to have her on the podcast, could you get me an email?

Yeah. Send me, notify me immediately. By the way, her entire career was 30 seconds in Frankenstein. She's thrown in the well, and she's 104 or something like that, so it's going to be a very short episode. No, I think she also worked with Evan and Costello in Mexican Hayride.

You know, Lewis... No, no. That one was over... That's really over the cliff. We were going to interview a woman named Carla Lemley, who was the woman named Carla Lemley, who was the granddaughter of Carl Lemley, who was the founder of Universal Pictures. And she's the little girl who says the first line in Dracula.

She's riding in the carriage. Yeah. So we said, oh, we'll definitely have her the next day, the obituary. She died the next day. That is a true story. And since we mentioned Avin and Costello, you must be familiar with...

If I'm not, I will be. With the Bud and Lou, a TV movie starring Harvey Korman and Buddy Hackett. No. Okay. You don't want to be. Okay. No, that wouldn't... Well, so you missed, it was a classic death scene.

My favorite death scene of all time. Wait a second, we should give them some context. This is Buddy Hackett playing Lou Costello in a TV movie about Lou Costello and Bud Abbott's life, which was absolutely terrible, called Bud and Lou. They look like two guys who had never seen Abbott and Costello.

And so Costello is in his deathbed in the hospital. And his agent, Eddie. Eddie Sherman. Played by Artie Johnson. Wow. Yes.

Wow. From laughing, you know, very interesting. Yes. And so he comes in and he reaches under his jacket that he smuggled us into the hospital. And it's his takeout cup. And he says, I got you a strawberry malted because you're a good boy. And Buddy Hackett, Buddy Hackett as Lou Costello, he's very weak and his head is

back in the hospital bed. And he takes a sip and he goes, you know, I had a lot of strawberry mortgage in my day. But this one's

the best. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, wow. Daddy, I wondered, after hearing this, the people who hear the podcast, do you think they race out? Yeah. Fuck, I've got to really see the original? Why would you want to see the original? That's ten times better. I didn't even see the original.

That's fucking as good as it's going to get. What, do you need a build-up to that? I've got to see the whole movie now? And their version of Who's On First is so dreadful. Oh, it's horrible. As Gil says, it's like they've never seen the routine in their lives. Tried hard. It's like, you know, what's the fella's name on first base?

What's the fella's name on second base? Pretty much it. I'm cracking up. I'm cracking up. Lou, tell us about, in your book, you talk about seeing the Beatles for the first time on the Solid Edge show. No, I never saw it. You reference a movie that another group of people did that played the Beatles, and it was Schlebi-Makanda and Fruity-Taka. Schlebi-Makanda.

And Moist-Ka-Kong. I heard you, Schlebi-Makanda was a Jew. Schlebi-Makanda. Congo isn't you. I saw the... It just seems so meaningless now. I saw the Beatles. I saw the first time they were on Sullivan. February 9th, 64.

64, and I was 16. And it was... And I... fucking yelled like a little girl. I did. It was like... It was weird. It was very weird.

You've got to realize nothing was... You know, you're born and raised in the 50s. It's like, this was the 50s. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, You know, spam is like the height of culinary fashion. Macaroni and cheese is like a breakthrough for Americans. It's a horrific kind of a time, but very comfortable. And then the Beatles showed up, and literally I jumped up and down. I mean, it was so different from anything we'd heard before and I'd seen Elvis on it but I was young much younger and it didn't have that

kind of a but this really was mind-boggling and uh and you just started to track them I mean it was like insane that that happened and then I saw and the first live concert I went to was was that year I went to see the Rolling Stones and um and I and I and it was the first live concert i went to was was that year i went to see the rolling stones and um and i and i and it was the first time i even considered dancing in in public because i saw you know i saw a fucking mick jagger was dancing around as well if that brick and and that was really stunning too it was really like extraordinary it was just like somebody ripped something off

it was like all of a sudden I wasn't in the this was how fucked up things were my friends and I would read about marijuana but couldn't get our fucking hands on it. Successfully cutting your jeans into jorts. Yes! Shipping the kids off to summer camp. Yes! Or winning the annual Schellenberg family water balloon fight.

Yes! Suck it, Aunt Susan. Yup, definitely the best summer ever. Squeeze more summer out of summer with Skip. Did somebody say Skip? This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In Season 3, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star.

With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. And you had a transistor radio

I was reading in the book. You had an old transistor radio. Yeah, Emerson. Eight transistors. You tuned to WABC in New York. I did. And rock and roll just kind of... Yeah, with Cousin Brucey. Changed your life. It did. It was the beginning. There was two sections of my rock and roll life in terms of that. I listened rock and roll life I was living in Silver Spring, Maryland

Now Silver Spring is like a city It's a fucking boom town There's shit to do and it's fun Back when I was there There was fucking nothing Not a goddamn thing Not even a spring Fucking nothing not a goddamn thing, you know, not even a spring, fucking nothing.

And so at night while I was doing my homework, I'd listen to Cousin Bruce in New York, and it was like this far, and I would visit New York, my family would come up here, so I was always kind of excited by it. But there was, you know, that life with your family. And let's go to and have some, you know, another Passover.

Whoopie fucking do. Let's have some matzo brie. That's something if you're looking for a suicidal way out, matzo brie. Just shove it in your mouth until you can't chew anymore. Death by cement. And so, so listening. You know, I just found out that matzo br brah is something juicy yeah i i just i wasn't aware of this so i listened to because i listened to it as if it were like this whole life that was going on,

and it was much more interesting than my life, and I just kind of gravitated to it. I mean, I listened to it every night, and it just seemed to be another life. And then my first job was in this, I cleaned freezers in a, a friend of my family's. They had a vending machine company, you know, like with bad sandwiches and stuff, and then I would have to clean the freezers. It's a heinous job.

But the music that I played there was downtown Washington, D.C., and that was all basically considered, you know, soul music. So that was an all-black station, and that was like another, like, holy fuck, there's a whole other world going on in terms of music. And in the meantime, I was learning the piano from a woman who had arthritis. So it was, and I kept thinking, boy, I'd really like to do music. And then you go show up there. and I kept thinking, boy, I'd really like to do music and then you go show up there and she was like in her late 60s and it cost a buck a lesson

and there was a reason because the smell of death was in the room and she would play and you'd look at these wizened hands like a parakeet you know how a parakeet has those claws? I went, why the fuck would I want to learn this instrument? So that was the end of my music career.

And I couldn't sing. I remember I found out, I used to listen for stuff on the Beatles from Murray the Kay. Sure, Murray the Kay, the fifth Beatle. Yeah. Oh, by the way. Jewish. He's Yeah. Oh, by the way. Jewish. Is he? Murray Kaufman.

Yeah. Murray Kaufman. Jewish. Cousin Brucey. Cousin Brucey's still doing his thing. Yeah. He's still on Sirius? Yeah.

Yeah. We're going to have him on the show. Are you? Yeah, eventually. Well, I'm going to have him on the show. Are you? Yeah, eventually. Well, I'm going to warn him. Yeah, warn him. Tell us a story about, speaking of TV, and I love this story. You did a pilot with my old boss, Joy Behar.

Well, actually, we didn't do the pilot. You never did the pilot? No. Okay. No, because that's the story of my career. never did the pilot no okay no because that's the story of my career young comics will say there was a series and lewis black wasn't on it but it was the first real break i had uh uh in in terms of this kind of thing i was uh i was performing catch a rising star um when, when it was on the Upper East Side.

And they approached me and said that they were the producers of a show that was going to be starring Joy Behar called The Rock, in which she would play a principal, and they wanted somebody to play the social studies teacher. And they were going to take my act and basically write the character based on my act. And I went, you know, fuck, yeah, sure. And then they did it, and I got it. It was me. I mean, it was my act. I mean, it was really a lot of it.

And I was the only one at that point, you know, I was the guy on the series who smoked when you could still smoke on television. Even when you, even that, I couldn't even get the smoking job. So, so, so I, they flew me out and we got there and this was, this was the first hint that things weren't going to go well. We were talking about how you know when your career is ending or something is going to go wrong. We were talking about it before, Gilbert and I. And my friend, John Bowman, actually picked me up and dropped me off at this hotel. And he opened the door, and he said, oh, hello. The bellman came out.

He said, you must be the new bellman. So that was kind of a tip that things weren't going to go my way. I went and auditioned at CBS, my first big audition, the first time. And what they do is just, it's horrible what they do. They get a group of actors, and they put you in this room outside, and then you go in, and you appear. At that point, there were 15 suits in the room. And I did it.

I did it. And Joy and I did the scene, and we did it again, and it was funny. And I thought I was great, you know, because I'm me. You were good as you were. I thought I was pretty good. And I walked to the door, and this is one of the things when you go in for these auditions, you always hear afterwards, so I kind of knew. I said, you know, they'll go, oh, he was good, but

we didn't get to see, we'd like to have seen more colors, which is the word they use, because they don't know what emotions are. So I said, would you like to see me do it again? You know, I can do this in a number of different ways.

And they said, I said, you know, because I know that you're looking for probably a lot of colors in this, and I may not have given you all of them. And they said, no, no, that was terrific. And I closed the door, because I knew this was like, what the fuck? This to me was I was going to get this they were going to fuck me it was never going to happen again so I closed the door, opened it back up

and come back and they said would you like to see me tap dance and the room was stunned and I said why the fuck did I take the lessons and I slammed the door. And that was that. And then three days later, they told me they gave the job to somebody else.

As I've said time and again, they found a better me. Who knew there was somebody spending their whole life becoming a better me? And you'll know who this is, and you'll probably know his fucking resume. Or his grandfather's work. Paul Sand. Oh, Paul Sand, sure. Oh, my God.

Friends and lovers. Yes, he was in The Hot Rock. That's right. With George Segal. And Ron Liebman. Robert Redford. And I think Moses Gunn. Yes.

Moses Gunn was in that. And Zero Mostel. Correct. Oh, and William Redfield. Yes. Yes. William Redfield was in, yeah, well, never mind. What's the point?

William Redfield was in Cuckoo's Nest. Wow. You'd know him if you saw him. He? William Redfield was in Cuckoo's Nest. You'd know him if you saw him. He was one of the patients in Cuckoo's Nest. I can't remember what happened yesterday. You guys curb your enthusiasm, fans? Yeah. Well, Paul Sand was the cook that they hire for the restaurant that has Tourette's Syndrome. That starts cursing.

That's Paul Sand. Well, Paul Sand. Brilliant actor and comedian. And they gave it to him. And then the show didn't go because. But Paul Sand called me and said, I love doing your character. Would you want to write a comedy, write a TV pilot for me? And I said, why would I write it for you? I can't even fucking write it for myself.

And that was it. That was it, and we were done. That was your first audition as an actor. It was my first major. I'd been in Hannah and Her Sisters. I'd done things. I'd been in a couple of things, but that was the first really, holy fuck, we could make a living.

We're not going to die. Right. Joy hates L.A. so much. I'm sure she was happy it didn't fly. I'm probably, you know, I'm sure. Now, didn't you try to sell a show where they told you it was too funny? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

My friend Richard Dresser and I had written this piece. Mostly Richard had. He was one of the writers on the Days and Nights of Molly Dodd and Blair Brown. And then, of course, you could go on for a decade. Terrific show. But Richard and I had this idea, and literally for the life of me, I can't remember the idea itself. It doesn't fucking matter.

You're just hanging me on it with some other people, and it's just a way to get to fucking 22 minutes. So it was a funny idea, and we took it in, and it was FX. FX early on. FX before Louis. FX before Marc Maron. FX before... FX is, you know, it's brand now.

Portlandia. No, that's... Is Portlandia FX too? It's IFC. Oh, it's IFC. Those fucks. They fuck me too. It was hard for me to remember because Richard and I got fucked at both of those places.

So we go in and we do it. And they're holding on to it and they like it. And then it disappears. We don't hear anything. And literally all you want to do when you do that is hopefully, the most you really hope for is to have the pilot filmed so you actually learn something, so you see it. So even if they reject it, you've kind of come full circle with it, and you've got some idea of what the fuck you wrote. And they actually said, we couldn't they actually said we couldn't find out we couldn't

find out and then finally richard's agent um got out of said got to talk to them and they said you know the problem is it's just it's too funny for fx i said why don't you make up something else can't these fuckers how can something be too funny? Oh, you know, boy, we can't put it on. These people laughed so hard, people were dying. Tagging on their own phlegm. Fucking spitting up

their goddamn, you know, fucking lungs were being flown across the room. They were laughing so goddamn hard, those fucks. IFC, those fucks did the same thing, those pricks. IFC, those fucks did the same thing, those brats. IFC called us to bring them a fucking pilot. Hey, come on in, we want you to, it's like, hey, you know, it's like, why don't you, you know what, bend over here,

and we got a stick of butter, we're going to shove it up your ass, Lou. I mean, it was unbelievable. They fucking called us. Me and Richard and another friend of mine who didn't need to get fucked in the ass either and they bring us in and we do it and we pitch it and they love it and done it

can you just give us 8 pages well you never fucking write 8 pages ever unless they pay you but we were so sure that they fucking were going to buy it they wrote the 8 pages and they went, nah, no. It's not our kind. You know what they said on that show? It's not edgy enough.

I went, how the fuck in the course of my career did I go from being edgy to fucking now I'm mainstream? You bastards. And David Kelly, the great David E. Kelly, wrote a show for you. Wrote a show to store you. Yes, he did. That went south too. Yeah, everything. Everything is, that was called Harry's Law.

Harry's Law was a show that was written specifically for me. David Kelly is one of the nicest men on earth and really extraordinary, an extraordinary gentleman. He called up, he came to see me in San Francisco, and he said, and this is something you hear, I'm sure Gilbert's heard this a thousand times, I'm going to write for something for you, and I really want to work with you. Oh, yes. I said it to him. You know, and I'm going to be in touch with your agent. You hear that all the time, and then you never see these fucks again. And the next time, they say the same fucking thing.

So David Kelly came backstage with his son and said, you know, I'm writing a pilot for you. And I said, you know, that's really very nice. And he said. David Kelly, who created Picket Fences and Ally McBeal and many other. And Boston. Boston Legal. My mother's favorite show. So mygan Hauser. And Boston Legal. My mother's favorite show.

So my mother was like, this is it. You know, this is like fucking, my mother is going to ascend to heaven. My mother would call me and tell me, go through in detail the end of each Boston Legal show and what the fucking lesson was.

of each Boston Legal show and what the fucking lesson was. And so David Kelly calls me back and says, I have the script, would you fly out and do a reading with us? And I said, yeah. And so what they did was I had to, I went out, what they wanted to do was get me on tape. And I went out, and we did a tape, and it went, and it was great. I mean, I loved it. It was me, just me, him, and the director.

And we had a great time. And he let me actually, he's David Kelly, and I'm big on, I mean, I write, so I'm big on words. So I'm hard-pressed I write so I'm big on words so I'm hard pressed to want to do other words but he let me actually he said you know now do it and do it you know don't worry about it just do what I was trying to write so I could really

I was really comfortable we did that we had it he said you know I'm going to do what I can I'm not as big in this as I used to be it was the only. I'm not as big in this as I used to be. It was the only network that had not fucked me at this point was NBC. So he had gone on a bidding war, and NBC had decided to do it. And we did this thing, and he said, I'm not as influential.

Now, this is three or four years, five years after Alan McBeal. I mean, he did nothing but hit shows, and he'd lost his influence. So he then called me up and said, I'm sure that I've lost my influence. He said, they won't even let me pick the sixth lead. So it's the sixth person from the top of the show. And so at that point I was writing my book, and I was in the midst of writing my book, and NBC called to negotiate with my agents.

And what they were offering was shit. And I mean, granted, it's good money, but they were offering for an hour what you'd be paid for a half hour. And an hour of that, it's like 16 to 18 hours a day, and it's fucking brutal, and I got to move to California. So that's like, you know. And I just said, and I made a number, and the number was not crazy, it wasn't a crazy number if I'm going to give up I like my life, I like going on the road I like what I fucking do

I like the freedom of being you know that freedom of being a stand up nobody bothers me it's me and the audience, nobody coming and going boy if you did that joke the other way Gilbert if you hadn't brought up Clem Cadiddlehopper, we would have had a hit show. How many times I've gotten that over the years. Clem Cadiddlehopper.

So I said, I was writing the book, and I really liked writing the book. And they kept calling back, and they wouldn't budge on it. And I knew that the only reason they were doing it, they wanted a star, and they were going to offer me this. You have to sign a contract before you go to the network. So you're signing the contract already. Then you go. After you sign it, I was still going to have to audition for this.

contract already. Then you go, after you sign it, you still, I was still going to have to audition for this. And I wasn't going to, I wasn't, and I thought, wow, they all, this is what I really thought. And this is just from being around this for so long. I thought they're already fucking me. They're already fucking me. And they, and I haven't signed a contract with them. So imagine just how hard they're going to fuck me when they haven't signed to a contract. So they just had the tip in at that point. So I said, I called David up and I said, I can't.

We talked to each other. He said, I'm really sorry about this. I'm sorry I got you involved in this I really wanted this to be your show and I said I hope you understand I can't do it because of what NBC is doing and he said no I get it

and then they gave it to Kathy Bates and I thought well if that was the deal, I would have taken the money they were offering, and then I would have gotten breast to do the role. I mean, so it was really kind of a...

But he was through the whole thing, and then when it went on the air, he called me and really kind of said, I really have to tell you just how much I don't like doing this to an actor. I've said, in the history of television, of all the entertainment I've ever worked in, nobody does that. You know, usually they just, usually it's the guy who's serving you craft food

says, you know, they'd let you go. Gilbert, did you have pilots other than the Larry David I found out I was fired from Saturday Night Live they brought in the new producer Dick Ebersole and I was waiting outside the office and he was going to call me in to say whether I was staying or going. And on the desk outside, there were these fan letters, and one was from some girl in Oklahoma.

And I opened it up, and she goes, Dear Gilbert, I'm so sorry about what happened to you. Wow, that's good. And I also remember, too, because you were saying how they say, oh, we want to work with you. And I remember a movie where they were telling me you know everyone working on this movie says Gilbert Gottfried for this part that's all we want is his him in this part and so we want you whatever you do with this great and then after they're stringing me on like this my agent calls and says they're not going with you and I I say, well, who are they going with? And they go, Dustin Hoffman. You never told me that. Yeah. I know you lost the parts of Billy Barty. Yes, yes, yes. And I figured the only time in show business where my name and Dustin Hoffman's name, you know, the only sentence you could make is, I've seen Gilbert Gottfried's acting and he's no Dustin Hoffman.

But yeah, I lost out. Tell us about losing the part. I was auditioning for Mel Brooks for Life Stinks was the name. You all know that one. That's the one where he loses his money and he becomes homeless. He's a rich guy. It was pretty horrible. Right. And so they were also, they loved me, loved me, loved me.

And they gave it to the famous midget, Billy Barty. Yes. Who knows who Billy Barty is? Don't disappoint him. All right, great. This tall. I don't know if he was Jewish. I never. Louie, you're a good audition Jewish. I don't know. I never.

Louie, you're a good auditioner. You like to audition. You're doing a lot of acting now. You're in the new Pixar movie. That wasn't an audition. Right. But I mean, generally speaking. Do I like to audition?

Yeah. No. Gilbert hates it. Yeah, no. I don't mind it in the sense that I'm comfortable going into a room from being a comic. I do feel like it's my room. So fuck them. Because this is the way I deal with it.

And this may help you. And if it does, I'd like a little money. Because they're getting... You're the reason they're getting paid. You're the reason. You're on their fucking list. You're one of the... See, if they got the five they're really looking at, then they got you and me and, you know, Schleppi Fartlek.

Okay? Schleppi Fartlek. Also a Jew. I'm sure of it. I'm sure of that. And the thing is, that was his anglicized brain unbelievable wow but that's but you know we're the reason

that they're getting paid so one of the reasons I'm comfortable being there is it's like, okay, you know, fuck you. You're getting paid because I'm here. So, you know, so that's the reason. And I won't, you don't memorize that shit before you go in, do you? No. Yeah, no, good.

No, fuck that. I don't memorize it when I'm actually doing it. I did just have an audition. It was the world's greatest audition. And it was Woody Allen. And I went in to see him. And it was for this role. And I know Woody this much. I know enough. I was in to see him, and it was for this role. And I know Woody this much. I know enough.

I was in the movie, and I'd spent a little time with him when I did Hannah and Her Sister. So we were comfortable together, and he was very nice. And he said, look, he said, I didn't really want to bring you in, but I needed to see you to see if you were really going to play old enough for this role. And I said, it's going to be tough because I really always play young. And I said, so this is, I said, in a way, this is like the greatest audition. This is the most comfortable I've ever been auditioning. I said, because what you're saying to me is I'm either going to get the role

or I'm not getting it because I'm too young. And he was great. And he literally said, he did this in every one, I know you can do this, so I'm not worried about these words. I just really need to watch you, just read them, and I just want to watch you,

and then I'll figure out if the age thing. And I thought, how fucking good. Now that's a fun audition. And every so often you'll go in, and somebody who's sitting there behind that table actually gets it. But that's rare. I'd rather have just a big puma walking back and forth.

You know, really. Because you've played some interesting parts. I mean, you've played a shock jock on Law and Order. You played a professor on the Big Bang Theory. A lot of diversity. You played a penguin in Forest of the Penguins. You played a professor on The Big Bang Theory. A lot of diversity. You played a penguin in Forest of the Penguins. You were that saggot fucking. Saggot.

Saggot. I was a penguin. You were a penguin in Forest of the Penguins? Yes. That's one of the greatest casts in the history of fucking movies. Yeah, I was looking at it last night. He called in favors left and right. Yeah, no, really.

And he probably made a gazillion dollars we never saw at all. He paid alimony bills with that fucking movie. Exactly. And you played a porn director in an episode of Law & Order. I did, yeah. That was good. How'd you research that one? How'd you research that one?

I didn't have to. How'd you research that one? How'd you research that one? I didn't have to. That's a movie I have in my head. I was in two law and orders as... That's what you're allowed. Yes, yes, that's basically it. And as a computer geek.

And I was also, I was like improvising while I was on there. How do And as a computer geek, and I was also, I was like improvising while I was on there. You don't know how to use a computer. And I was like joking, cracking jokes and stuff. And then the director walks over and he took me aside and he said,

could you pull back a little bit because this episode is about a little boy who's been murdered What was the other part, Gil, other than the computer program? Oh, but I, well, I was a computer programmer both times. I remember another time I was on Law and Order. There was this pretty girl there, young actress, and I knew she wasn't a regular. You didn't remember her name. You remember Hooker.

Yeah. He remembers. The pretty girl. You didn't remember her name. You remember Hooker. Yeah. He remembers. The pretty girl. Fuck. Who knows, Lewis? That hike, it's brother-in-law. That might have stuck somewhere in the crevices. It's a selective memory.

So I said hello to her, and I said, so will you be playing a rape victim? Oh, my God. And the girl looks at me with like smiling cheerfully and she goes, no, I'm raped, but I live. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, wow. Gil, tell Lewis what happened when you auditioned for, when David Steinberg directed you, one of our podcast guests. Yes, David Steinberg, Jew. And he was directing me on some show, I think Mad About You. And I had to say something and run off. And he yells, cut.

And he goes, could you do it again, please? And make it a little faster. Run a little faster. And I said, yeah, I guess I could run faster. And he goes, no, no, I don't really want it faster. And I said, yeah, I guess I could run faster. And he goes, no, no, I don't really want it faster, but more gracefully. And then I said, gracefully? And he goes, yeah, not as choppy or awkward. And he keeps, and I'm getting more and more confused. And he's getting frustrated, not knowing how to tell me. And then finally he stops and he sighs and he goes, Can you run less Jewish? Wow.

And I knew immediately. That's good. We should start to wind down and we'll take some questions. If anybody has any questions, we would love questions for Gil, questions about the show, questions for Lewis. Anybody? Okay, now you want to know who played Dr. Frankenstein's son? Lionel Atwell. That was Sir Cedric Hardwick. Cedric Hardwick.

Yes. He came up in the first week with Dick Cavett. Yes, yes. We have one right here. See, the English actor, Sir Cedric Hardwick, who was knighted, and he was a brilliant actor, an old English, a British actor. And I heard that he was having trouble getting an erection. He was having trouble with impotence. So Sir Cedric Hardwick used to introduce himself as Sir Seldom Hardick.

I stepped on your punchline. Question was here. Yes. Two things. Gilbert still hasn't sung before the end of this podcast. He sings every week. I know. Yeah.

We got to have that. My question for Lewis is, could you tell us a little bit about meeting Kathleen Madigan and how your friendships began? We met in... Did everybody hear the question? Kathleen Madigan is a comic, a terrific comic, and a friend of Lewis's,

and the question was, how did their friendship begin? Yeah, when I first started going on the road as a comic, which was like 25, some 30 years ago, something, and I was in Chicago at a Catch a Rising Star. She was the opening act. And we both, and the thing was, we played at a Hyatt hotel. And the Hyatt hotel had this bar. And the bar had, one of those bars behind it was like, you know, they had like ladders to go up.

There was just not enough liquor in the universe at this Hyatt. So you had to actually, they had to climb ladders to get because they had fucking tons of this stuff and we both had a real affinity to, well I did I had a big affinity towards scotch and I was going to drink

every single malt scotch scotch gets applause initially the Jew didn't get you had to beg for the applause. So we just hung out at the bar and talked and talked. And she was, I've seen maybe, I don't know about you, but I've seen three comics who were naturals in my life, who instinctively got it.

And she'd been on the road eight months, and she was already pretty much a headliner. And I'd never seen anybody that polished already and really funny. Just instinctively funny and comfortable on the stage. And we became friends, and then we went out for a couple years. And that really didn't work because we were never together. We were both headlining and stuff. So we've been friends ever since. Very funny comic, Kathleen.

Tremendous. Deserves much more attention than she gets. Kathleen Madigan. Question right here, this gentleman. I'd love to hear Lewis's take on the aristocrats joke. We don't have time for that. You mean like Gilbert did? Oh, yeah.

Like Gilbert did, that's about as brilliant a moment as you're ever going to see. For him, first off, I'll tell you this. Where was that? That was in New York? That was, yeah, the Friars. Okay, that's the first mistake. Because I'll tell you, the joke he told that they didn't laugh at was fucking funny. The joke he told that they didn't laugh at was fucking funny.

And it's funny, but it's not funny fucking here. But if he was in San Francisco and told that joke, they would have laughed at that joke. Because San Francisco, I went out three days after 9-11 and went to San Francisco. 9-11 and I went to San Francisco. San Francisco is a town which is living 10 years ahead of us. They're like on their own fucking planet. It was

like they already, seriously, psychically, that 9-11 had already taken place in the mines of San Francisco 10 years before that. It's why they don't fucking live here. And I know this is hard for some of you to follow and I can tell by your kind of skewed attention toward me.

So I felt that the joke, it was an insane place to do that joke. Didn't you have a friend? Yeah, I said, the joke I said, it was a few days after September 11th. I know, yeah. And I said, I have to leave early tonight. I have to catch a flight to L.A. I couldn't get a direct flight. We have to make a stop at the Empire State Building. Now, at no time did you think to turn.

No. Because I did, it was three days after 9-11 and I was in San Francisco and I said stuff that I could not have said here. And the audience responded because I said stuff about Bush that I couldn't have said here. I thought that what Bush did was, as far I was concerned, was he shows up three days afterwards, and I went berserk about it. I went on stage for 50 minutes and just spewed. Apparently, I don't really know really what I said there, because it was none of my act. It was just, this is where I came from and this is what happened. And then the President of the United States doesn't show up until three days afterwards. What fucking, what a prick.

What a, and even they, and they got it. Because what are you doing three days later? You fucking show up right fucking now, you fucking asshole. If you don't want us to be afraid, you're like hanging away. Fuck you. So that was the, I mean, So I'm allowed to say that there, which is pretty fucking over the top and it's not even a joke.

So you got fucked. You were just in the wrong town. But it led to the aristocrats. But it led to that. But that recovery is extraordinary. That's an extraordinary recovery.

I would not, I would have actually, what I would have done was have somebody then hold a butter knife and I would have run at it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha Yes, right here. Is that a gentleman I see? Yes, right here. Gilbert, can you tell us how Paul Lind and General Patton feel about the... Wow, you are leading the witness, my friend. Yes. The question was, Gilbert, could you tell us how Paul Lind and what, General Patton?

Yes. Would feel about... Gilbert and Lewis. About Gilbert and Lewis. Well, see, it turns out I have it on good authority, having worked on Hollywood Squares. And some of the producers worked on the original and told me that Paul Lynn was like just the most vicious anti-Semite. Is that right? Yes, yes.

And he would like, they'd have all the celebrities there during lunchtime, all exchanging stories and having a good time. Paul Lynn would be bombed out of his skull. And he would get them more vicious. And he'd be sitting there going, oh, those fucking Jews. Oh, Hitler should have killed all of them. They're the reason

I don't have a career and General George Patton who they say had a high pitch voice a high pitch voice you know he didn't talk like George

C. Scott and he was a World War II general You know, he didn't talk like George C. Scott. And he was a World War II general, a hero, and he helped us defeat Hitler. But they said his feelings about Jews were pretty much the same as Hitler's. and General Patton used to say in his high-pitched voice, they should keep the Jews locked up in those camps. Hey, Gil. Real briefly, why don't you tell the other Paul Lynn story? Because I'll bet we're taking requests.

It's like Freebird. It's like Lynyrd Skynyrd. We're cigarette lighters. This story's been told on the show probably my time. Now, I've heard someone telling me they heard a different variation on it. See, I heard it was like in a barn

that Paul Lynn was going to be doing dinner theater. But then I heard a better version that he was in the Solid Gold Dancer's dressing room. Whoa. Which the Solid Gold Dancers weren't there. But Paul Lynn walks into the Solid Gold dancers dressing room

and he says, this place smells like cunt. And then he goes, but don't take my word for it. And then he goes, but don't take my word for it. It never gets old.

Yes, there was one over there way in the back against the wall. Yes. I love it. Right there in the back. Did you play a character in the movie Bad Medicine with Richard Pryor? No, no, no. That was with Steve Guttenberg, Julie Haggerty, and Alan Arkin. Wow. And my friend, Jogger Fozzie.

Yes, yes. And my friend, Jogger Fozzie. Yes! Yeah, now, because you didn't say his name, he's here, and I'm going to have to fucking listen to him whine about it. Is he here? Is he actually here? Yeah, he is here. Jogger Fozzie, we're big fans. I had the wrong movie. Anyway, my character's name was Tony Sandoval.

That's terrific. Is that what you wanted to know? I don't remember. Fantastic. And I remember all of us, you know, like, we did it in Madrid, the movie,

and all of us were struggling with our bad Spanish accents. And in one part, I had to say to someone who's wearing sneakers, the rules of the school, and I say, old shoes must be black. And it comes out in the film with my Spanish accent as, all Jews must be black. Who would cast you as a Spaniard? Yes. That's mind-boggling. Other questions? Right in the middle, there, that left hand up.

Question for Lewis. the middle there, that hand, left hand up. Question for Lewis. How do you feel about Trevor taking over The Daily Show, Lewis? He may think he's taking over. As long as I am present, really, I've always been, as far as I'm concerned, the show. And then they run this stuff for weeks and weeks and weeks around the show. It's one of the most unusual instances in the case of television. The other stuff would actually be longer than the real show itself. Now, my feeling about it, I don't know, Trevor, and the only thing that I felt upset about was when they let Craig Kilbourne go, and when he left to, I guess, enter the ether.

Yeah, where is he? I don't know. Where the fuck is he? I don't know. He's a Joe Grafazzi. And they didn't really audition. They auditioned some of the folks at the show at that time, and they didn't audition me, and that kind of pissed me off because I just thought, you know, etiquette. You know, I'm on the show.

I've been on the show from the beginning. I'm one of the first ones. You might don't... You don't have to give me the fucking job. Just do a pretend thing. Pretend. Oh, no, it's not going to work out. That's what you do if you...

It's social graces. It's stuff that's just not seemed to be taught at the network. And this was, Trevor is kind of partly, Trevor's partly the choice of John and I guess, you know, and certainly Comedy Central. But they, what I had said, what my agent had basically, what I asked for was, as I said was can I just take it over for three months and see what happens because I didn't really think I ever wanted to do more than three months because it's fucking

it's that interview shit and it really is laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter But you know, you picked the people, but in a sense. You picked the people. When I was first working and kind of breaking into Comedy Central,

they had a radio thing and I could interview comics and they just brought me comics to talk to and I loved it. But to sit there with like uh you know Clara Hosewire who's in the new uh you know Duck Fuckers Part Six you know and I gotta go yeah and what was it like on the set and I what's Jimmy really like uh I don't care I don't give a fuck you know and I can't get through a book on my own, let alone you're going to hand me, like, the American presidency. And it's like 700 pages long. I could sit on it during the interview, be taller.

I mean, it just so, so I knew that I was, it wasn't something, I like doing what I do, but I'd like to have been given the three months. I like doing what I do, but I'd like to have been given the three months. And I thought what they should do is then really find someone and bring them in. And in a sense, they're doing something. Look, the good news is this. As much as John is really important to the show, and it is his show, the other engine of that show and just as important are the folks who wrote it and produced it. And the fact that he, Trevor, he's not coming in with a power base. It's not like someone who's got a well-known persona and bringing in their own writers means that the engine stays in place.

And if the engine stays in place, it's going to be fucking funny. It's not going to be what it was before, but I guarantee it's going to be funny because we threw away... They throw away more funny stuff than most shows do. And that's just the truth. Things will be fine.

Now, if I'm not on the show because of his entrance to the show, then all bets are off, and the show won't be on because the studio will be burnt to the ground. Is there a part of the room I neglected? And I want to announce I've just been fired as the lead duck in Duck Fuckers Part 6. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Yes, right here. I want to ask Lewis, in your years of stand-up,

did you ever encounter a well-known comic you consider to be a completed total hack? And can you do that. I just won't. No, I mean, I do know people that I think are, it's not so much hacks, but fucks. That has a big effect. You know, like, don't just get the basic, you know, kind of, you got to be nice and shit like that. It's not tough. It's really not hard to be nice.

You're working, what are you, max, sometimes 50 minutes a night in a club? Really? That's fucking tough, you fucking asshole. So, you know what I mean. There's people who, like, act like they're God's fucking gift the entitled ones there are a few of them around most people get it

it's a pretty good club to be a part of we all appreciate what we do look either way you cut it for me it's that if they did the work then who am I to say they did the work fuck it I don't enjoy their comedy, and that's that.

But I don't like to call names, point out people like that. I just don't. It's not my nature. Unless the money's good. Let me go to this side of the room. Do the last one. They're waving in the back. So one here is in the middle.

Somebody's got their hand up. Do I see it? A right hand? When did Gilbert last sing Dummy in the Window? Do you want to explain Dummy in the Window? Today. What is this? You're going to be sorry you asked, though. No, I am seriously. what is this this is seriously

I am seriously I seriously I feel this has been one of the most educational weeks of my life it's like been a week

I've learned more I gotta get home and write the notes down okay there was a comedian I've learned more. I've got to get home and write the notes down. Okay. There was a comedian by the name of Larry Raglin, this black comedian, who used to sing this song, Dummy in the Window. And since you wanted it... Today

I thought I saw A dummy In the window I looked And it was you Wearing a new dress As usual Trying to look

your best impossible cause with you it's not really what you wear why don't you wash your face it's a disgrace

today I thought I saw a bear in a garden. And it was... Basically it. And it was you. Whatever happened to Larry Raglin? He was in Duckfuckers. He got the role that I was fired from.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I can't. Where did you... Where was this song sung? At Cajurizing Star. Yes. God damn it. And I worked there and I missed it.

They're giving me the light, Lou. Anything you want to plug? You've got the Pixar movie coming out in June. Yeah, that missed it. They're giving me the light, Lou. Anything you want to plug? You've got the Pixar movie coming out in June. Yeah, that's it. You know, I mean, really. So your career's swinging. Yeah, really, this will be good. I'll be in Traverse City,

Michigan next week. You may want to roll into Grand Rapids. You can catch me in Detroit next Saturday. You did a benefit for the Bill of Rights. Louis Black's Let Freedom Laugh. Yeah, we did a benefit. Why are they sick? And you can see that on

AXS TV, but you can't see it in New York, so fuck it. Oh, it's on. It's on. Really? I DVR'd it. It's on AXIS in New York. Yeah, but what do you have? Time Warner.

Time Warner has it? Excuse me, I have Vios. Just make shit up. Vios. Time Warner doesn't carry it. I have Bios. Time Warner doesn't carry it. I have a B-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- go, they're taking us, because this is something I never thought would happen in my lifetime, just imagine this, they're taking us to Cannes for the film festival. That's great. So it would figure, it's just so perfect that I would get to go to Cannes, and how would

it happen? I get to go as a cartoon character. That's right. Lewis, I hope it's been educational. It is. Seriously. I'm going to call my mother and go through some of these things with her. Thanks for doing it. Thanks for coming on, everybody.

We really appreciate it. Oh, you guys were great. Maestro. And this has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre at Caroline's in New York City. Yes, we're at Caroline's on Broadway. We forgot to say that. Thank you, Caroline's.

And we've been interviewing the guy who claims that he's a Jew. Lewis Black. It has to be. Xero is beautiful accounting software built to help small businesses be more productive and successful. Sign up for a free, that's right, free 30-day trial at Xero, that's spelled X-E-R-O, Xero.com slash podcast. Wait for it. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger. Schleichinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza.

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