Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 53. Artie Lange

Episode Date: June 1, 2015

Gilbert and Frank take a day trip to the New Jersey home of comedian, actor and former Howard Stern sideman Artie Lange to bash "Godfather Part III," praise their favorite character actors (paging Philip Baker Hall!) and laud the films of Sidney Lumet. Also, Artie disses Tom Cruise, dissects "Goodfellas" and dismisses "Mystery Men." PLUS: Peter Ustinov! Tom Waits! Black Don Rickles! Charles Nelson Reilly gives batting tips! And Gilbert sings again! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Sign up for a free, that's right, free, 30-day trial at zero.com slash podcast. That's zero.com slash podcast. Am I repeating myself now? Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. Our guest this week is an actor, comedian, radio personality, and best-selling author. He's appeared in films like Dirty Work, The Bachelor, and Artie Lang's Beer League.

Oh, you've seen all of these. I'm sure. I'm sure everyone's going, Oh, my God, I have a copy of that on my bookshelf now. I have The Bachelor in a loop on my television. And just so I don't want a second to go by where I've got one of those eyeglasses that plays dirty work. You know how Michael Jackson had Liz Taylor movies on a loop? Oh, yeah.

A lot of construction workers have beer leaks on a loop. And he's also appeared on the Norm show. It's still on, isn't it? Which I never saw. We're in our 38th season. And he's got his own podcast, the Artie Quitter podcast, which isn't nearly as good as mine. But our old pal and top movie star, Artie Lyons. Wow, that is about the sweetest introduction.

Thank you so much. Yeah. Now, you were in that movie with David Spade, you popped up. Lost and Found. Where it's so obvious that that part. Yeah, I get a lot. David Spade is in a movie. Like, Spade in real life gets chicks because he's David Spade.

He gets really hot chicks. And he's good with women and stuff. In that movie, he plays a guy who manages a restaurant. And at the end of the film, supposedly he gets Sophie Marceau romantically. Oh, yeah. The chick from Braveheart. Yeah. So it's basically science fiction. And I play a guy. It's like a single white female joke.

I'm stalking him, and I put a wig on me to look like Spade's hair. And what we didn't realize the entire time, the critics were very quick to point out, was it was right after Farley died, and it just looked like I was trying to do a Chris Farley impression with a blonde wig. And it was the most embarrassing, awkward thing, and the reviews were not kind.

I've been in eight movies. I've gotten a total of one star. Speaking of Spade, Artie, didn't you cut him off in L.A. with your car? Yeah, one time I had a black Eldorado that I shipped out. It's called African American Eldorado. Please.

I had a colored El Dorado. Please. I had a colored El Dorado. We're getting started early. Can we at least agree upon Negro El Dorado? Just so we can... It was a Negro El Dorado. Dark skin.

With jersey plates. An urban El Dorado. Dark skin. With jersey plates. An urban El Dorado. It had an urban flavor to it. An inner city El Dorado. Yes. And I, yeah, and I had jersey plates. And so I looked like I was just like in the Lucchese family or something, driving around Beverly Hills. And I cut Spade off and he left me a nasty message.

I almost killed him. And he left me a message saying that he was way more important in show business than I am. Which was true. So I shouldn't... A lot of fond memories. A lot of fond memories. Well, I'm sure... Are you happy to see a Tracy Morgan guy?

They settled the Walmart thing. No, I didn't hear that. They got settled today, speaking of African-Americans. Yeah. Tracy Morgan got settled, and the other comics also got a big, big settlement. So apparently, Tracy Morgan pays you $20 million to open for them. They didn't reveal the money. Boy, that must have been a shitload.

Yeah, the one guy. I mean, you're talking about Walmart. $50 million is just like, yeah, you know, just wiping off a gnat for them. And here's something I've been talking to a few people about. Right. Here's something I've been talking to a few people about. Right. Do you think Tracy Morgan was that seriously injured,

or was his lawyer saying, stay out of the public? I think... It's like a fortune cookie. Yeah, right, exactly. They're not willing to change. We're going to shoot them for all they've got. Thank you, sister. Shut up, mother. The trick to money is diversification.

The fortune cookie, Jack Lemmon and the Walter Matthau classic. That's another one I know by heart. But, yeah, I think it was a bit of both. I think Tracy is a ghetto guy who the greatest move ever was not going to the 40th anniversary of the. Oh, my. What a great move. He's got Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey saying he's too. He's not emotionally ready to go.

I mean, that's some Tracy would have been on that show 15 years. It would have been like the Oscars for him. But I mean, once Walmart saw that, they were like, we got to say, yeah. He didn't go to what would have been the biggest night of his life. Oh, yeah. And I think, I don't know for sure, but I think Tracy probably could have made it. Yeah. I think he probably could have made it. Yeah, they practically, the two of them, Faye and Baldwin, practically did an obituary

to him on the show. You just got to play that tape for the Walmart lawyers. It's like, okay, now what? Okay, all right, Jesse, here's the checkbook. Get out the checklist. I want to see what you're writing.

One time, I did stand-up. Me and Dave Attell did stand-up on the first Guy's Choice Awards for Spike TV, one of the biggest nights in show business. How did I not see that? It's the kind of night where

Alan Covert gets honored. Tracy hosted the show. He sees me and he goes, you've got to come to my after party. It's at the Roosevelt. You've got to come to my after's at the Roosevelt. You gotta come to my

after party at the Roosevelt. We go to Hollywood, Roosevelt, me and Attell in an area the size of this table. It was about eight feet by four feet. It's Tracy Morgan, his agent, and 50 of his cousins. And we're roped off

and we're literally like, it's like we're going to Auschwitz on a train. Only it was hotter. And Tracy's right in our face, and he looks at me and he goes, we in show business. And I said, how you doing, man? He goes, I'm enjoying my sobriety.

I said, how long you been sober? And he went, eight days. He had an ankle thing on but I think that's a good question Gilbert I think it was a bit of both I'm glad he got paid when he got Saturday Night Live I think he was living a block from Yankee Stadium which in February is not an ideal real estate

I think he had 14 kids so you know he was making money but Walmart they should have paid up which in February is not an ideal real estate. I think he had 14 kids. So, you know, he was making money, but Walmart, you know, they should have paid up. But I think the greatest ghetto move ever was not going to that SNL thing. Oh, my God. I mean, I think he could have made it. He can't even put a tux on. I can't get my tux. My tuxedo tux.

I'm too emotionally. I'm emotionally disturbed. I can't feel my leg. I can't feel my head. I can't feel my head. Write down what my name is again. We're going to throw up. My grammar's off.

Ever since the accident, my grammar's off. I'm not speaking properly. I can't pronounce things correct. Your Honor, he's got his Jewish lawyer. Your Honor, my client can't pronounce it. I want 80 million. My pronunciation. It used to be perfect.

I used to sound like Mario Cuomo. Mario Cuomo. Mario Cuomo. That's a new joke from my act. Listen, even Gilbert showed up, and he was in like nine episodes. I know, right? Of course Gilbert was there. Tell Artie what Lorne Michaels said to you backstage. Oh, that's got to be great.

Who are you? No, he's actually kind to him. I'm sure he was. Yes. What did he say? He said, I can't pronounce. It'd be funny if in honor of Tracy they all spoke like that for the whole time.

Tracy, we thinking of Tracy. Tracy's on our mind. I'm Tacey Mogul. I'm Tina Fey. I'm James Polo. Walmart, fuck my head up. God bless you.

Yeah, not going to that. I can't even get my shoes on to go to the 40th anniversary. That was a commercial for his lawsuit. Baldwin and Tina Fey, two of the most beloved. Oh, yes. You would have given your life savings for a commercial. lawsuit. Baldwin and Tina Fey, two of the most beloved. Oh, yes! You would have, like, given your life savings for a commercial like that. What a move. The lawyer, he probably,

you know, he's going, I'm going to that anniversary lawyer. He's like, no, you're not. You're going to the Amalfi Coast. And so am I, jerk off. Because here's what it said in the paper today. The guy who died, Jimmy Mack McNair, who I never met, he got $10 million. Okay.

And so he's dead. And it said in the paper that Artie Fuquati, the other guy who's a friend of mine, good kid. And God bless him. Now they're insanely rich. Multiple of $10 million. They said multiples of that. God, I wish I was in that car. Me too.

Why couldn't I be African-American on that tour? Because, you know, they said they saw the accident coming. It was so horrific. They saw the accident coming, and the next thing they knew, they woke up. They didn't even feel anything. So they didn't even go through pain. Wow. We're just ruining their entire case.

Obviously, I don't know for sure, but I think it's a done deal. And they got paid. Well, you know, the guy wasn't drunk, but he did something wrong. I guess he was up for 48 straight hours. Yeah. That guy was up too long. My sense of equilibrium is off. My sense of equilibrium is off.

My motorer functions is done. I can't speak. I got no motorer functions. How's I supposed to do comedy without any motor functions? Mass of people talk tics is damaged. I'm glad we got this chance to talk about some old movies. Before we do an entire Tracy Morgan show. We were talking about The Bachelor before Gilbert.

Before we turn the mics on. The movie I did with Chris O'Donnell which is a remake of a Keaton remake of Buster Keaton movie called Seven Brides so they instead of Buster Keaton

this generation got Chris O'Donnell who they call Stone Face as well for different reasons they call Keaton the great Stone Face they call Chris

the great Stone actor and I think and I was supposed to play... I played Chris's best... Chris Farley. I play him in every movie. I was supposed to play

Chris O'Donnell. I play his best friend since the first grade. It looks like I just put his cable in that morning. We cannot... He's like this rich waspy kid

from the Midwest. I'm from North Georgia. It looks like I literally am building a deck in his house. We just met. Oh, yeah. But you got to work with a couple of veterans. You got to work with Ed Asner and Hal Holbrook. I'm telling you, man, and those two guys, I'm

with them the whole movie. Now, I heard that Dirty Work was her remake of Night at the Opera. Me and Norm played Zeppo and Checo. Gumbo. I was Zeppo. I think you had the

Zig Ruman part. The Zig Ruman. I played Margaret Dumas. Oh, you are a movie buff, Marty. Yeah. If you know Zig Ruman. I played Margaret Dumas. Oh, you are a movie buff, Marty. Yeah. If you know Sig Ruman. Yeah. God, listen.

We had Asner on the show a couple of weeks ago. Oh, okay. So his career's going well. Yeah. I used to be a, I was at the Radford lot with Mary Solomon and I'm on a fucking colossal pod show. What the fuck is going on?

Tell us a little bit about those guys. Well, okay. Ed Asner is supposed to be this insane liberal, you know. Oh, yeah. He's a big lefty. But my God, he spoke like a fucking... James Cromwell, who was Stretch Cunningham. Sure, sure.

And the farmer from Babe. He plays a priest in it. So he's there and he had just done a play. He had just done a play with Gwyneth Paltrow. So he tells Ed Asner that. Ed Asner screams, she's a fucking cunt. And Cromwell's like, what? He goes, Paltrow, she's a fucking cunt.

And Cromwell's like, what are you talking about? She was very sweet. He goes, nah, nah, I love her mother. Her mother's a dear friend. But she's a stuck-up, arrogant little twat. And then they just went, okay, we're ready. Action. Hal Holbrook said he's married to Dixie Carter.

Of course. So another funny thing was Hal Holbrook says, my wife's coming tomorrow. And Asner screams out, come on, Hal, we all know you're a fucking fag. The entire movie, ribbing him, he called him a fag. Hilarious. We all know you're a fucking fag. So I ate lunch with

those guys. Hal Holbrook was just a nice guy. But Asner was hilarious. The most offensive shit you've ever had in your life. He was fun with us. He told us he was obsessed with Cloris Leachman's ass. Yeah, she was hot. I was just watching Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

She came into Stern when I was allowed there. Before I stabbed myself nine times in heroin. So it was nine times? That's what the post said. See, so you stabbed yourself nine times without killing yourself,

which is a total fucking idiot to me. Someone who could stab themselves nine times and still be alive. Well, that's because I had a big stomach. If I had abs, I'd be dead right now. There wasn't even any blood. I didn't get near my organs. I didn't get anywhere near my organs.

But I forget what the fucking question was. No, Cloris Leachman was on, and I asked her, I said, did Paul Newman come on to you, Butch Cassian? And she said, he did, but I said no. And Paul Newman said, ah, you women always no, no, no. And I'm like, really, Paul Newman? I said, no offense, Cloris, but it's surprising. Paul Newman couldn't fuck you.

It sort of disappoints me a little bit. But back in the day, shoot out. Oh, yeah. Hell of a body. Oh, yeah. What about Peter Ustinov? You were telling us a little bit, too, in the day, shoot out. Hell of a body. What about Peter Ustinov? You were telling us a little bit, too, before we turned the mic on. Well, again, he was in The Bachelor, and

you know, in Spartacus, his character in Spartacus, he is so fucking funny in that. The sarcasm. When he's picking out the slaves, and he's like, as go the teeth do the bones, this man is made of chalk. He's checking the slave's teeth.

Give it to the Spaniard. He has that same sarcastic attitude in real life. I think it was his last movie. I think it was. What a way to go. I think that ended. It was like Peter Sellers

going out with a fiendish plot of Fu Manchu. Oh, jeez. Oh, my God, yeah. But, you know, he was doing a scene with Chris O'Donnell and you could almost see him rolling his eyes. And I

introduced myself and I said, I'm an actor in the film. He goes, good luck. And I think he died the next day. But Jack Warden was my... He plays Norm and I's father in Dirty Work. So Bob Saget directed Dirty Work.

And there's a scene where Warden is in bed in the hospital. And Saget comes up to him and gives him like a line reading. Give Jack Warden... He gave him some notes. And me and Norm are just sitting back on, Oh, Christ, what's he doing? He Give Jack Warden. He gave him some notes. And me and Norm are just sitting back going, oh Christ, what's he doing? He gives Jack Warden

some notes. And Warden's being polite and everything and we don't even know if he's upset about it or anything. And so Saget goes back behind the camera

and right before he yells action, Norm and I look at Warden and go, you all right, Jack? And he goes, oh yeah, I'm okay. I'm just trying to remember my notes.

And he rolled his eyes. He was another great. I mean, it was one of those things that Seymour Cassell to him, barely, like when you don't think, they seem like old men, like they're forgetting their lines. And then you watch the playback, and it's fucking Jack Gordon. We love Seymour Cassell. We're talking about him.

Yeah, I guess I've had the privilege of ending a lot of great careers. Well, Gilbert worked with Jack Ward. Twice with Jack Ward. And the problem? Yeah, and the problem? Yeah, yeah. Because the same guy, Bobby Simons, the producer. Oh, yeah, yeah.

He produced Dirty Work. Yeah, he was great. Yeah, amazing. And it's Jack Ward, you know. And he got to play our dad. But, yeah, and I think he stopped working right after that as well. I always said about movies, I said, like, the Godfather 3 trilogy on DVD, it's the perfect party thing because you can watch one and two and do coke off of three.

Nice. That's how my movies are. Let's talk about Godfather 3. Go ahead. What a mess First of all, to give Talia Shire that much power within the family Oh my god She's ordering hits

She's like this mixed up drunken whore In the first two Right, and the second one she's like At Michael's feet begging him not to kill Fredo And yeah, whore. When she brings that guy and can say, Al, can you get him a drink? Can I have something to drink?

Pacino just wants to kill him right there. I don't know who this murder is. I don't know what he is. I don't know what he does. Tell him you don't want to get married and you don't want to see him anymore. He'll understand. Believe me. But yeah, then in three, she's like Vito Corleone.

She's the godfather. And then Sofia Coppola, you know, look, it's nepotism running wild. Well, that was supposed to be Winona Ryder in that part. Yeah. Well, that dying scene. Oh, God. Dad. Yeah. And then the way he dies at the yeah. Well, that dying scene. Oh, God. Dad. Yeah.

And then the way he dies at the end, that's how that story. Oh, it was like Artie Johnson. I was going to say Artie Johnson laughing or just like. Hey. It just makes a weird face. Yeah. Do you believe in the hereafter? Then you know what I'm here after.

Boom, with the purse. And then da-da-da-da-da-da. That's how Pacino does. It was so embarrassing. That's how the godfather ends. And then Pacino. Did Coppola not have time to shoot that? Like, look, we don't want to do a long stretch out there.

Just keel over. And then afterwards when Judy Kahn goes, sock it to me, sock it to me. Sock it to me. It'd be funny if Ruth Buzzi just walked in and hit Michael Corleone with a purse. Ruth Buzzi hits Michael Corleone with a purse. Bruce Buzzy hits Michael Corleone with a purse. That's how he dies. Oh, God. And then how they wrote in that Sonny has a son that no one ever heard of.

That doesn't look like him at all. No, yes, yes. Andy Garcia is James Caan's son. Right. Yeah, it was all just too neat. I didn't buy Joe Montagna's character. He gets shot on a horse. Oh, my God.

It's like the Game of Thrones. Joey Zaz. Yeah. Again, it wasn't. They all did it. George Hamilton shows up. Duvall was on Howard, and Howard did a great interview with Duvall. And Howard said, first of all, you get George Hamilton for Duvall.

There's a trade. Oh, yeah. And, you know, it's like trading LeBron James for one of the Knicks. And, you know, it just became an embarrassment. But Duvall said, look, we all did it for the money. And my money was, I said to Coppola, I was honest with him,

I said, I need more money to do this, and he wouldn't hit the quote, and he just said, fuck it, just kill off my character. And the idea that Al Pacino was like, felt guilty about everything that he did in the two previous films... It kind of negates the first two movies. Oh, yeah.

The church, which is probably real anyway, they're the gangsters, and he's like trying to tell the church, you're being immoral. Yeah. He's telling a group of cardinals, you guys are crazy. And then he wants to reunite with Diane Keaton? Yeah. I know.

He didn't want to reunite with her when she was hot in 1974. He wants to reunite with 1990. He wants to reunite with Something's Gotta Give, Diane Keaton. What? No, I don't like you in 74. I want to... Let's get back together now. It's like,

I want Jane Fonda now. Not the way she was in Barbarella. You could keep Clute. Shove Clute up your ass. Is there anything sexier? I disagree with it than her riding. What's that? Annoy Jane, her riding that cannon.

For the enemy in Vietnam, she's riding a cannon, clapping. Just some rich cunt from LA, like, you know, I'm liberal. I just want to fuck this shit up. Speaking of the Godfather. And I thought Al Pacino's performance

was terrible. I thought Al Pacino's performance in three was awful. That's that sense of a woman performance carried over. I agree with you. And they give him the Oscar for that. Well, Chris O'D it's that sense of a woman performance carried over. Yeah, I agree with you. I'm chewing the scenery. And they give him the Oscar for that.

Well, Chris O'Donnell, sense of a woman. O'Donnell rubbed off on him. That's one of those Oscars where we apologize for not giving it to you sooner. I mean, listen, he lost to Joel Grey in Cabaret. Could you imagine? He was the best supporting actor. and Cabaret. Could you imagine like he was best supporting actor. The transformation he makes in Godfather 1 is one of the

best acting things ever. From that innocent kid to this devil and he was up for supporting and he loses to Joe Gray. Can you imagine? Joe fucking Gray. And that was your Brando 1 and sent Sashim Littlefeather What a great Hollywood move.

That's a Tracy Morgan move. Send the Indians. I'm sending Sashim Littlefeather. What a great Hollywood move. That's a Tracy Morgan move. I'm sending Sashim Littlefeather. I'm sending Can't Talk Right. I'm sending Hoka Pontus. I'm sending you lawyer.

Hoka Pontus. I'm sending, here's my lawyer, Hoka Pontus. My buddy Alex Baldwin's going to say, well, I can't, I'm too emotionally stressed to tie a tie. I can't tie a tie. I can't tie a tie. Now write a check, bitch. That's all I want. Hoka Pong. Good Lord.

I gotta smoke the piss pipe. Let's roll some. Let's roll a piss pipe. Let's smoke a piss bong. Hocopontas. Fucking hilarious. You know The Godfather so well. Tell us about what happened

when Coppola came on Howard. Coppola came on Howard and again, one of those things. He came on Howard? Yeah, his movie's got a little low brow to it.

I'm going to throw up. It's one of those shows. I'm going to throw up. I heard those shows. I'm going to throw up. I heard half of the budget went to dry cleaning. Well, it's hard. It's hard. Continuity. You got to get the come off.

Oh, my God. But he was... We're talking about Howard De Silva. He came on. Howard Rubinstein. Because I heard you when you were wrong with Johnny Russo. Johnny Russo. And you were doing all the dialogue in the background.

They still make the rounds and make money off being in The Godfather. But Coppola was on the show. And, you know, I knew that he was probably going to ask me to do a scene. So, like an idiot, I memorized the scene. But Howard, being much too clever for that, he let Coppola pick the scene. And it was the scene where he tells Carlo he's going to Vegas before Clemenza strangles him to death.

And I did it well enough to where Coppola was impressed. That was pressure. But again, the story there was, you know, Coppola after the guy had six Oscars. Apocalypse Now. Did you ever see A Heart of Darkness, the documentary about the making of a movie? Oh, yeah.

That's great. People forget he wrote Patton, too. Right. He was a great writer. But he makes all his money now. He bought Engelnook Winery. All his money. He's got no movie money.

Yeah. Yeah. And he even did Dracula towards the end. That had a major place. Well, he started a studio, I mean. He started American Zoetrope and Blue Ball. Which is still in San Francisco. I was just playing Cobbs in San Francisco

and I saw that building's still there, Zoetrope. But it's all, he's got a private jet from Anglenook Wineries. But that run he had, if you look at Patton and the conversation, and the two Godfather pictures and Apocalypse Now. Diane Keaton's career in the 70s. All the Woody Allen movies. And two Godfather pictures and Apocalypse Now. Diane Keaton's career in the 70s. All the Woody Allen movies.

And the Godfather movies. I mean, and Talia Shire, Godfather and the Rock and Rocky. That's right. I mean, you know, Diane Keaton is brilliant in all those Woody Allen things. And then she plays, you know, Corleone's wife. And like John Casale did like five movies. Five for five. And they're all great.

I think they all either won. They were all at least nominated for Best Picture. He did The Conversation, Godfather 1 and 2. He did The Deer Hunter was his last one. He got sick on that. And Dog Day Afternoon. Dog Day Afternoon. So fucking great.

I mean, amazing. Yeah, yeah. Think about Pacino and Dog Day Afternoon and then Center for War. Oh, God. That's what I mean. It's a retroactive Oscar. I mean, Dog Day Afternoon and then Center for War. Oh, God. That's what I mean. It's a retroactive Oscar. I mean, Dog Day Afternoon is one of the funniest movies ever. Fuck the drama.

All that shit that Lumet got from them, just from those characters. But do you know the story? Cazale was dating Meryl Streep. Yes, sure. And told Michael Cimino, said, my girlfriend's in a play. She's right for this part. Begged them to see her. And he got her into Hollywood.

He died. And, you know, she moved on. Life is life. Can you imagine? He dies and she moves on to be Meryl Streep. Well, Gilbert's obsessed with Sidney Lumet. She moves on to take a selfie with Ellen DeGeneres. Did you just want to crawl through the fucking screen?

Selfie with Ellen DeGeneres. Well, Sidney Lumet, yeah. degenerate something did you just want to crawl through the fucking screen selfie with elder uh well cindy lamatt yeah i mean there's a talk about yeah almost a perfect record yeah yeah we talk about him all the time pawnbroker uh anderson tape you gotta go on dog they have to do prince of the city uh and uh we we were just talking before. And 12 Angry Men and Network. And Network. And Network, yeah. And even things like Murder on the Orient Express, where he did different stuff. Right. Oh, and I like Bye Bye Braver Man with George Segal and Jack Gordon. Well, what about the later movie, The Verdict, Unreal?

Yeah. But what about The Night Falls on Manhattan? That's another. That's a really good one. And Frank and I were just talking about a half hour ago about when the devil knows you're dead. Yeah. Oh, my God. Marissa Tomek.

Great. Every dark thing that a human being could do, Philip Seymour Hoffman does in that movie. It's a great movie. And then to think about his real life with the heroin and everything. But every dark thing that you can do as a person, he does. Oh, yeah. And you got Albert Finney. That just fucking, I forgot about that.

Yeah. Then, of course, you have Gloria with Sharon Stone. Oh, jeez. How did that happen? Well, we're on the go. LeMet might be as perfect, might have the best batting average of any director. Oh, yeah. Well, unless you want to go back to Billy Wilder.

Right, yeah. He could say that, sure. Baseball is finally back. Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball.

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Shipping the kids off to summer camp. Yes! Or winning the annual Schellenberg Family Water Balloon Fight. Yes! Suck it, Aunt Susan. Yep, definitely the best summer ever. Squeeze more summer out of summer with Skip. Did somebody say Skip? Here's one for you, Gilbert.

Here's a trivia question about The Godfather, and I bet Artie knows it. Which Godfather actor, he was in part two, wrote a movie that starred Elvis? Oh, my God. I don't know that. He was a playwright. Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my God. I don't know that. He was a playwright. Oh, my, my, my, my. Do you know? He told me Michael Corleone did this.

Michael Corleone. Oh, Frankie. Frankie Five Angels. Frankie Five Angels. Michael Gotso. He was a playwright. Michael Gotso. He was a playwright.

He wrote a play called Hat Full of Rain, which was made into a movie. Oh, I know Hat Full of Rain. Oh, yeah. And he wrote an Elvis movie. Oh, yeah. Which Elvis movie? That I wish I'd written down of Rain. Oh, yeah. And he wrote an Elvis movie. Oh, yeah. Which Elvis movie? That I wish I'd written down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, there's not a lot of great ones. Darryl, dig it up. Our crack research team will dig it up. There's not a lot of great ones. Which Elvis fantastic movie? You'll know this. Which Godfather actor also appeared in Moonstruck? Danny Aiello.

Well, Godfather 1. Oh, okay. Because Danny Aiello is one of the Rosado brothers. Yeah, we interviewed Danny about it. Okay, and Danny's a great interview. Godfather 1 and Moonstruck. Yeah. Think about Cher's uncle.

Well, you know what? Here's the problem. I don't know Moonstruck. Oh, okay. I don't either. Louis Gus, the guy that gets up at the table and makes the speech about keeping the... I never would have got that. Never would have got it, because I don't know Moonstruck. And this one you'll both know table and makes the speech about keeping the... I never would have got that. Never would have got it, because I don't know Moonstruck.

And this one you'll both know. But the Pantangeli question, that's a great question. Is that a good question? Who played the young Clemenza in Godfather II? Bruno Gans. Bruno Kirby. Nice work. Bruno Kirby.

We got it together. You guys are good. Who's now dead, right? Yeah, he passed away. Yeah, Bruno Kirby. He was in a lot of great films. He was the young Clemenza and a lot of great stuff. Yeah, The Freshman with Brando.

I thought I would hate that because Brando's doing... It's fun. But it's well done. It's the guy that made The In-Law. Did you like that guy? The guy that wrote The In-Law is Andrew Burton. I don't know. I was a little uncomfortable.

It made me laugh. It made me laugh. But I thought I was going to hate it like crazy. We had Johnny on the show and I said to Gilbert... Rus said to Gilbert, when he was coming in, I said, do me a favor. Let the show start before you ask him about killing two people. Is that true in real life? I don't know how much of what he said. Yeah, well, that's the thing.

Yeah, yeah. Does he know the statute of limitations? There's no statute of limitations? Oh, yeah. On murder? He said, there's three people I can admit to. What? Oh, so after like four years or so.

Henry Hill was on the Stern Show, and he was going to take us on. He took some of the Howard TV guys on a tour of where people were buried, like spiders or something. But he was so fucked up. He was just pointing to like spiders buried over there. Like, that's the Empire State Building. And I liked how as great a movie as Goodfellas is, it's also like, you know, Henry Hill's like practically handing out toys to an orphanage. That's such a great point. You've got to realize he's telling the story.

So in every scene, he's outraged. What are you guys doing? You're killing people. You're not killing somebody, are you? I didn't know you were mobsters. This is fucking bad. I thought you were luggage salesman. I know.

The whole Billy Bat scene, he's trying salesman. I know. The whole Billy. The whole Billy bad scene. He's trying to like be a diplomat. Oh, my God. Everyone's fine. Billy gets a little out of line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

He does pistol whip the guy in the driveway. Yeah. Well, that makes him look cool. Right. Because the guy just raped his girlfriend practically. Right. He looks cool there. But no, that's a great point.

People don't realize that. He's telling the story. Yeah. So Jimmy Burke was rotting in stomach cancer, the real Jimmy Conway in prison going, that's not how it fucking works. I remember it a little differently, Henry. I heard you talk about that scene. I think you were talking to

I heard you on another podcast, talking about the scene with Pesci where they go to see, played by Martin Scorsese's mother, where they go back to the house where she pulls up the painting with the dogs. She was, again, Scorsese could make like a forklift operator good in a movie. He just knew how to use his mother perfectly. She's in Mean Streets when the chick is having a seizure. She's in The King of Comedy. She's the one yelling down the stairs.

That's so great. That's so great. He's got the King of Comedy. She's the one yelling down the stairs. Oh, that's so great. That's so great. Bah! She's got the date recorded. Lower it, Rupert. But yeah, the detail in that dinner scene is so amazing because De Niro plays the one guy who's all Irish, and he's the only guy using ketchup on the potatoes and eggs,

which is hilarious. I saw an interview with her about Raging Bull when they interviewed Scorsese for 60 Minutes. I think like Morley Safer did it in the early 80s. And she said, I fattened him up for that. He came over. I made him a moose and omelets and homemade pizza. And I fattened him up.

And then Safer said to her, what about when he lost weight? And she looked at the camera like almost mad and said, Dad, I had nothing to do with it. Dad, I had nothing to do with it. Dad, I had nothing to do with it. And his old man is funny. Like making the pork in prison. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's with Pesci

when he buys the farm when he's, yeah. We baseball batted those two guys. We baseball batted them. You couldn't recognize them. One dog's looking that way. One dog's looking that way, one dog's looking that way, and he's like, what do you want from me?

One dog's looking east, one's looking west. What do you want? Did you ever see my painting? Don't paint no more religious paintings. Now, you're a sports guy, and you're a movie buff. Gilbert knows nothing about sports. And baseball players have very strange names. Football players have very strange names.

You got good at segues already with it. We do a mini show where we recommend movies and get recommended. Bang the drum slowly. Oh, yeah. De Niro. And he knows nothing about sports. De Niro playing a retard, basically, right? Danny Aiello told us he taught De Niro how to throw a ball.

Right. On the set of that movie. Not a good job. Who knows? I mean, that is, the acting's great, but that's a movie where like, you know, no one looks like they can play ball at all. And that was based on a Paul Newman. Was it? Yeah.

I didn't know that either. It was a TV, a live TV production. Right. With Paul Newman and George Pappard. No kidding. George Pappard. Yeah. Yeah.

That's good. Michael Moriarty. And then who's the great character actor who plays the manager? Oh, Vinnie Gardena. Oh, yeah. Vinnie Gardena. I can't believe I can't remember. Right. Sure.

He's believable as a ball player. Yeah. Dom DeLuise is the same. Charles Nelson Reilly is the bad boy. Vincent Gardenia. Hello. I'd go with the 32. I'd go with the 38-ounce, 32-inches.

That's pretty good. I'll be your manager. That's pretty good, Artie. What, your friend Travolino used to do this? I can't believe I just said that. It actually made me laugh. He did Charles Nelson Reilly if he was Fredo in The Godfather. Like, why is he always looked over? I don't know. I guess I'm just different.

I remember, last time I was in Vegas, there was a giant billboard that said, a one-man show, Rich Little as Jimmy Stewart. Wow. And it's like, you know what this is. Didn't you want to go to that?

You didn't even see it. Just for the car crash value? Oh, my God, yes. Because you already know it's like, well, then I met John Wayne. Hey, pilgrim. And then I met Walter Brunner. Two hours of that.

Remember when I was on Johnny Carson? Yeah. Yeah, he... Jimmy. For the audience, for the four people who remember who Jimmy Stewart is, left alive. So many colostomy bags in that audience.

Do you like Pride of the Yankees? Yeah. You're a big Yankee guy. We talked about it. Again, the acting. When Babe Ruth's the best actor in a movie. But it's a classic. When the doctor gives it to me straight.

Three strikes. Gary Cooper's 62. We talk about the Babe Ruth story too, which is absolutely dreadful. When he points. Oh, yes. When he does a Jackie Gleason point. Get out, Norton. This ball is going to the moon.

It ain't going over the center field fence. It's going to the moon. Yeah, real sorry. He didn't leave me with the stickball, coach. Come on down, Norton. There the mess, stickball coach. But I'm down, Norton. There goes my whole stickball team. You could tell Bendix wasn't a ball player. Oh, my God.

That's hilarious. I'll recommend one to you. One of the best bad sports movies ever. It's called The Joe Torre Story. Are you serious? With Paul Sorvino. Oh, God. It is some of the shittiest, but in the funniest way, worst acting.

He plays Joe Torre right after they win the 96 series. And Robert Loggia plays his brother Frank, who gets cancer. I remember. It's so amazing. Yeah. Two great actors. Yeah, no, I know. Oh, now what about the one?

Oh, the Jimmy Purcell. Oh, the Fear Strikes Out. Tony Parkins. Yeah, two great actors. Yeah, no, I know. Oh, now what about the one? Oh, the Jimmy Purcell. Oh, the Fierce Strikes Out. Tony Parkins. Yeah, Tony Parkins. Charles Nelson Reilly. His Bible is the greatest red sock ever, as far as I'm concerned. Man who ran the bases backwards. Yeah, exactly.

He did a lot of things backwards. When I run with my ass first? Tony Perkins changed the scene. He liked to go ass first. He's more comfortable leading with his ass. As a Yankee fan, I love that he played a great red side. Richard Simmons as Ted Williams. That's amazing.

Yeah, the Jimmy Pierce. Fear Strikes Out. Yeah, that's the one. It's Paul Lynn as Babe Ruth. out. Yeah, that's the one. It's Paul Lynn. Nice pay brood. I'm gonna hit a home run for you kid.

Before you die in the hospital. I'm gonna hit a home run. Holy shit. I know you might die before the game, but trust me on it. Throw me the ball, son. Don't be afraid. Throw me the ball.

Oh, that's Paul Linda's Babe Ruth. See, if I were like a studio head, I'd finance that in two seconds. Of course, you have to dig up Paul Lentz. And it's Babe Ruth to block. Oh, my goodness. They interviewed on one of those baseball documentaries. It might have been the Ken Burns ones.

They interviewed Babe Ruth's old roommate on the road. And he was just like this shitty player. They just paid to maybe walk out. Oh, Jimmy Reese. It might have been Jimmy Reese. He was like 90. He lived to 110. He was like 90 at the time.

Somebody just tell him the story. Because, yeah, the Babe loved playing practical jokes on me. I remember one time we were on the road. I think we were in Pittsburgh. I was in the shower. And I'm all soaked up and I feel a warm stream on my back. And I look behind me

and there's the Babe naked with a girl urinating on my back. And he was laughing. God, he thought that was funny. The babe was naked with a broad pissing on his back. God, he thought that was funny. Oh, shit. So, Artie, we ask this of every guest. What did you watch as a kid?

What did you watch? Not my weight. But, you know. I'll take Artie Lang the block. I watched the Honeymooners. Yeah. My mother-father put a black and white TV about five inches big in my room when I was like maybe seven. And back in the 70s in New York on Channel 11, at 11 o'clock they had The Odd Couple, 11.30 they had The Honeymooners.

And then I think Burns and Allen. That's right. So I watched The Honeymooners and The Odd Couple every night, no exaggeration, for seven years. So I could recite every Honeymooners. All 39. The first time I saw Gilbert do stand-up was at Caroline's at the Seaport. It was my 20th birthday. We all went.

And you did the bit of Ralph Crandon and Casablanca. You're getting on that plane with the class. I mean, that was just like the ultimate. I thought that was amazing. So I watched that religiously. Of course, a lot of sports, Yankees being premier, Knicks, Giants, but the Abbott and Costello movie every Sunday.

From 11.30 to 1. Sunday's 11.30 to 1 in the 70s on channel 11 an hour and a half and if only I had fast forward to go through the Andrew sisters and all the songs I watched every Abbott and Costello what was your favorite Abbott and Costello you know what I liked Abbott and Costello

meet the killer I liked that one because Freddy Phillips it's weird because the title was Abbott and Costello meet the killer Boris Karloff. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know it was Meet the Killer.

Did they just tell you who the guy is? Yeah, yeah. In the title. That's hilarious. I mean, I loved Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein. That's, that's, that's, that, I meet Frankenstein. That's that's that's that. I almost said that. Yeah, that's as good as it gets.

But Coppola actually said before he made Godfather three, they said the only Godfather that would make sense after two was the God Abbott and Costello meet the God. And he basically should have made that. Oh, yeah. But yeah, I watched every Abbott and Costello when I memorized all of those. I love the first King Kong, whenever that was on. They used to show those on Thanksgiving. They used to show like Mad Monster Party.

I'm trying to think of monster movies. I loved the first King Kong. I thought it was un-fucking-believable. That one in 76 with Jeff Bridges. Oh my God. It's Jessica Lange and Charles Grodin. Charles Grodin is the heavy. The way he steps on Charles Grodin.

And Rene Auburgeonois. Yeah, that's right. Is in that one. And the scary part about it is you've got Rick Baker. Yeah, yeah. Who's a brilliant. The makeup guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And in there, it's a laughable King Kong. It was bad in a funny way. It's a credit to Bridges as an actor that he actually comes off not terribly in the film. He pulls up, but back then you don't realize how great he is. What did you think of the latest one, the Peter Jackson one? You know, I still like the first one better. But, I mean, there's impressive shit. Yeah, it's very impressive.

So, you know, old movies, I loved old movies. I remember watching Some Like It Hot for the first time. I remember, you know, when The Godfather was on TV, my old man,

who had a crazy sense of humor, I was like nine years old, he said, you gotta watch this scene. He made me watch the horse head scene. John Marley. Yeah, and I'm just like,

what the fuck? I'm like a nine. I'm like, my head's exploding. But, yeah, you know, so probably similar stuff to what probably Gilbert watched. But Abner Costello and the Honeymooners and the Odd Couple, religious. They used to show those A&C movies.

You remember, Gil, on Saturday morning? And they had the popcorn theme song. Oh, yes. On Channel 11. Channel 11. It's amazing how we were able to Because like Gilbert I'm probably not as good as he is You know it's amazing how we know

That stuff verbatim From just watching it once when it was on Because you didn't have VCR You couldn't rewind watch it again We just saw it whenever it was on and you memorized it Literally I think I could have went to medical school With the brain Fucking function I wasted on it Oh it's incredible Yeah. Literally, I think I could have went to medical school with the brain fucking function.

I wasted on it. Oh, it's incredible. Yeah. I can't tell you the Pythagorean theorem, but I could do every honeymoon. And I remember I would watch the Bowery Boys. Yeah, I used to love that. You know what's a great one of my favorite Bowery Boys movies? Dead End with Humphrey Bogart.

Oh, yeah. The Dead End kids. A really young one. The poor kids are right next to the, they beat up the rich kid living in the high rise. And when he comes back and he sees his old girlfriend, and like the light hits her just right, and you know she's a whore.

And he's like, why don't you starve first? That's, I love Dead End, yeah. You know, the Bowery Boys I liked. I forget. Oh, I think it's Angels with Dirty Faces. My father made me sit down and watch that, the ending. Where Cagney, oh, Bogart's confronting Cagney. He goes, you used to ask me things, now you're telling me.

And Cagney goes, so? And Bogart goes, so my feelings is getting hurt. Right? That's amazing. Yeah, no, that might be the best ending ever. Oh, yes. You know, it's funny. I would put that ending in Angels with Dirty Faces or taking a Pelham 1, 2, 3 with Walter Matthau.

We love that. We love that. Anything with Walter Matthau. And again, with these remakes like Tenzo Washington and John Travolta in the new one. I couldn't even bring myself to watch. Well, Gilbert and I, we obsess over those kind of 60s and 70s movies where you get to see old New York. 70s. Like Pelham 1, 2, 3 and Serpico.

The 7 Ups. The 7 Ups is a great one. The 7 Ups has great shots of Hell's Kitchen in the 70s. Super Cops, if you've never seen it. Super Cops, I love. The In-Laws. Yeah. Now you're talking about The In-Laws with Michael Douglas and Albert Brooks.

God. Me and Danny talk about that. You get douche chilled Albert Brooks like one of the funniest guys yeah I love him how does he I mean how big

does a paycheck have to be big why remake it just say it's another movie say it's these two guys why do you

gotta call it the fucking in-laws and another movie that looked like they were trying to make remake the in-laws was that

terrible one with Eugene Levy and what's his name? Maybe a little more specific. Oh, that's funny. No, the guy who's in the credit, the black actor in the credit card commercials. Samuel Jackson. Samuel Jackson.

Samuel Jackson. Samuel Jackson. Crazy Morgan. You know what I need? Samuel Jackson. When I'm in the country, I need the sounds of the city to fall asleep. So I only fall asleep when that commercial comes on and he yells out, What's in your wallet?

I can get to sleep. Now, what is that movie, Eugene Levy? I know what you're talking about. The man. The man. The man, yeah. And it's also,

he's also like a dentist who gets Oh, okay. And I like Eugene Levy and Sam Jackson, but again,

it really goes to show you, for a movie to be great, that's why you got to appreciate the great ones. So much shit has to come together in all work, the directing, the editing. So much shit could fuck it up. It's always an accident. Oh, and talk about getting two extremely talented people to remake a film badly. I know. I guess it's money.

You know, look, shit. But there's another one. Peter Falk and Woody Allen. Oh, the Sunshine Boys. The Sunshine Boys. Why do that? That was a mistake. I mean, Woody Allen and Peter Falk probably, you know, from Columbo alone, Peter Falk's

probably got an island. Yeah. Woody Allen. Woody Allen. Like, do you have to do that? Yeah. What about Steve Martin's career? Like, I mean, he has done so much more to hurt comedy than help it.

Oh, my God. Does he have to remake Sergeant Bilko? Right. And the Panther. Cheaper by the dozen. The Pink Fucking Panther. I know. Exactly.

Come on. You're Steve Martin. You should know better than to take another movie. Exactly. What makes me mad is they titled it The Pink Fucking Panther. That's what it should have been. It should have been The Pink Fucking Panther. With a giant lit up question mark.

The Pink Fucking Panther. I'm making The Black Panther. The Black Panther would be better. That's the new one. You and Newton. Does some of the best physical comedy you've ever seen. And you're an odd couple person, too. You were the old deal.

Huge. Randall Klugman. Okay. And Matthau Lemon. Oh, yeah. That's another movie where you can see old New York locations. Matthau and that was great. Probably the best Oscar.

I think if I had to pick, I'd go Matthau, Tony Randall, if I could pick and choose. But Lemon's great. But Matthau. And Art Carney was the original Felix on stage. And Klugman's great. Could you imagine seeing Matthau and Art Carney on this fucking stage? Oh, my God. Doing that play.

We just had Paul Dooley on the show. You know the actor Paul Dooley? Yeah, sure. And he understudied Carney. Oh, he did. Carney went in to dry out had Paul Dooley on the show. You know the actor Paul Dooley? Yeah, yeah, sure. And he understudied Carney. Oh, he did. Carney went in to dry out. Yeah, he was supposedly a worse drunk than Gleason. Now, I saw about 10 minutes of the new odd couple.

Oh, God. It's Matthew Perry as Oscar. I don't think I would literally throw up. I don't think I could do it. I think I heard Matthew Perry once in an interview. I think he basically said he invented sarcasm. I think he said that. Norm was on Saturday Night Live.

Norm tells the best fucking stories about some of those celebrities that went through there. Matthew Perry had an assistant and said, he said to Norm, Matt wants to do a sketch that he wants you to be in where he talks like he does on Friends. He calls it Matt Speak. And Norm said, what are you talking about? He goes, well, you know, he invented a way

of talking, the way he talks on Friends, Matt Speak. And he showed him a clip and Norm said, are you talking about sarcasm? Matt, you're very cold. Sarcasm. You renamed it Matt Speak. Hilarious. And Norm goes, are you talking about sarcasm, he renamed it math speech. Hilarious. And Norm goes, you're talking about sarcasm?

What about the Black God couple, Gil? They should have just said to him, oh, that was really good. I think one of the younger writers said, I think Matthew Perry's a genius. I think that's what it was. And Norm said, is he good at math or something?

Yeah, the black odd couple with DeMond Wilson. With the black honeymoon. And Rod Glass. Yes. And then there was the black honeymoon. Rod Glass from Barney Miller. With Cedric the Entertainer. If you got the word the entertainer in your name, that's a lot of pressure.

It's like the group NSYNC. You better be in fucking sync, man. If you say the entertainer, you better be. That's a lot of pressure. It's like the group NSYNC. You better be in fucking sync, man. If you say the entertainer, you better be good. That's a lot of pressure. Who played Norton in that one? I don't remember. Was it Tracy Morgan? Would have been better. Might have been. I don't know.

We gonna go bowling! Hey there, Ralphie boy! Hey there! Might you be so kind as to tell me what's in the fridge? It's the Grandy. Mythic ruler. Oh, my God. What you got in the icebox?

Whoa, it certainly looks like rain tonight. Whoa, it certainly looks like rain tonight. We going bowling, but we not going bowling. You done got me all confused. You done got me all confused. You done got me all confused. I don't want to look at these four walls. I want to look at Liberace.

Liberace. God bless him. He knows the dialogue. Hilarious. The last time this place was decorated, about four years ago, my nephew came in with an ice cream cone. Oh, and one more thing, Mr. Marson. You are bum. Your mother is a blabbermouth. Mike Epps.

Mike Epps. Mike Epps. With Ed Norton. Thank you, Dara. Mike Epps, of course. Who could forget him? Blabbermouth! This is all buttercup!

He's not like the kingfish. That's what he's trying to sound like. Oh, that's great. You want to tell us a little bit about... You were listening, Lord. You were listening. I give up. How's a dictaphone here in the room?

Get it, Frank. I'm sorry. We just pretend we're eating something else. I don't want to stop him. The ship could make it through the blockade. You want to tell us a little bit about working with Rickles? Bang! Zoom! He'll do this for an hour if I don't

stop him. Bang! Zoom! I'm the ship of the future! He'll do this for an hour if I don't go, if I don't stop. Bangs. Oh, that's great. I'm the chief of the future. Maybe we should say something about spearfishing. Oh, wow. Give me that. That's my denaturizer.

Your minds about smoke? I don't care if you burn. Wow. Your minds if I smoke, it's the Black Honeymoon. Thursday at 10 on CBS. Wow. Is that Ellis? So anyway, Don Rickles.

I was going to move on to Rickles, just in the interest of time. Well, yeah. Rickles. We do a six-hour episode. He was in Dirty Work. It's the first scene I shot. And he goes, you hockey puck. Hockey puck.

Hockey puck. CPO hockey puck? CPO hockey puck. CPO hockey. Pruitt, why don't you go make out with a giraffe? It's morphed into the Black Diamond Wrinkles? Yeah. Eyes opening for Sinatra. And Ed is sitting in the backyard going, ugh.

Wow. Wow. Ginny Rizzo said, Ginny Rizzo said, get down here early. We wrote him insults and he couldn't remember them. Seriously. It was that Baskin Robbins line that doesn't make any sense.

Exactly. He said, just look at me and Norman and insult us. Like that's a softball coming in for him. So I don't know what he's going to say.

The camera's running He looks up to me and he goes Look at you, look at you, you baby gorilla And I laughed 20 times I said, you know, sagging to the director I said, look, you may have to fire me Don Rickles called me a baby gorilla So I finally got it right

I got a take And then he moved over to Norm But the thing he started doing that was hilarious. He was insulting Norm as Norm MacDonald, not as the character. Oh, that's cool. I would love to see that. How did you get a movie? Cut.

We can't use that, Don. His name's Mitch. In the movie, insult him as Mitch. He started insulting the script. Who wrote these jokes? And then eventually we got it. He's hilarious in it. But I finally got it. Norm never didn't

laugh. I think in the movie Norm is laughing. Yeah. account, which includes no monthly fee, unlimited debit transactions in Canada, Avion points on debit purchases, and so, so much more. Unlock more perks for less with RBC Vantage. Conditions apply. Offer ends June 30th, 2024. New eligible clients only. Complete criteria by August 30th, 2024. Visit rbc.com slash student 100. That's the sound of fried chicken with a spicy history. Thornton Prince was a ladies' man. To get revenge, his girlfriend hid spices in his fried chicken.

He loved it so much, he opened Prince's Hot Chicken. Hot chicken in the window. This is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell. To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com. Tennessee sounds perfect. I heard in Casino when Rickles was doing the scenes with De Niro, Rickles would stop in the middle of the scene. That's it, cut. You left out three motherfuckers.

Oh, the press for that movie was hilarious because Rickles would goof on De Niro. And De Niro in real life is just like a mannequin. You could just goof on him. He just sits there. And Rickles, like, he mumbled. He mumbled. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Rickles is being Rickles, and De Niro's laughing at everything. But yeah, did you ever see the actor, inside the actor Rickles and De Niro's laughing at everything but yeah did you ever see the actors inside the actors studio with De Niro oh yeah he said that James Lipton guy says to him what's your favorite curse word and you know most of those people try to be goofy

and say oh darn it and stuff De Niro dead serious goes I don't know cocksucker motherfucker and Lipton's, cocksucker motherfucker. And Lipton's like, cocksucker motherfucker. I remember one time there was, I forget which actress was on the show, but James Lipton says to her, he goes, what's your favorite sound? And she goes, a baby smiling.

A baby smiling. One time, that reminds me, Carmen Electra was on later with Bob Costas, but he had left the show, and that chick Aisha Tyler. Oh, yeah. So she says to Carmen Electra, what's the one thing you can't live without like a guilty pleasure you know rollerblading or something so I looked for 30 seconds and she said food well it's true

so you're a human being you know how Byron Allen does that show comics on leads Norm told me this he leads guys into their act. He does like the same thing. Oh, yes. So I understand, Dane Cook, you went to Hawaii.

And there's a bit about Hawaii. He looked at John Lovitz and said, and John, I understand you're getting older. But the sound of a baby swallowing. Oh, I got to find that. I got to look that up. You just want to strangle him. You just want to strangle him. I think Goldie Hawn.

It might have been Goldie Hawn. What would you want God to say when you got up there? And dead serious, she said, all the sick children in the world are better. And then she stares at the audience until there's a clap. All the sick children in the world are better. And I missed it. Now back to the... Fuck you, God.

I wanted to see the sick children get better, and you had to kill me now? God, fuck you! And an anesthesiologist killed me while I was getting collagen? Fuck you and your son, Jesus! Yeah, fuck him too! And if I see that son of yours... Fuck your son Jesus.

Oh, that's hilarious. I wanted to see that. Of course, I saw the kid sick. I'm trying to make the first wives club. I was watching a kid die and then I had a heart attack. It's easy at my age to watch a sick kid die. Think of my feelings.

Oh, boy. So, Artie, why do you say you have bad luck with movies? I don't think I'm first in line for the good script. You were in Mystery Men. You had a story about being in Mystery Men? Case in point. Yeah. I'm the first ten minutes of that.

Big red. I get killed by Ben Stiller, Hank Azaria, and William H. Macy. The three got collectively the lowest point of each one of their careers. But it took like a week to shoot that. Yeah. Yeah. I shot that with Tom Waits. Tom Waits was in that movie.

The funny guy. Yeah. He wrote the song Jersey Girl. I'm a fan of that song. And the same teamster drove us back to the hotel every night. He was at the Sunset Marquee and I was at the Mondrian. And I wanted to ask him because he wrote the song Jersey Girl that Springsteen made famous. And I had all these romantic notions about what that song's about.

Oh, he met some mysterious woman on the beach. They made love once. He never saw her again. Blah, blah, blah. So finally the last night I said, fuck it. And I told the Teamster that was driving us. I said, I want to ask him this. He goes, I'll just fucking ask him at the end.

So the Teamster knew I was nervous. So Waits is getting out of the car, and I figure I'll never see him again. And I say to him, I don't think he's going to be a mystery man, too. And I say, hey, Tom, listen, I'm a big fan of that song, Jersey Girl. He goes, thanks. I go, what's that song about? And again, these romantic things were in my head. He looks, as he's getting out, kind of looks like a throwaway line.

He goes, and my fucking wife is from Newark. He got out of the car and the teamster looked at me and said, was that what you were hoping it was going to be? Oh, wow.

My fucking wife is from Newark. Was there something about your mom and your sister going to see Mystery Men? The story I heard? That ring a bell.

Yeah, they went and they... I'm in the first three minutes. Right. And they thought I was going to be in more. So my mother... I was living in L.A. My mother called me from the theater and to go,

are you in this anymore? Because I got to get out of here. They didn't understand what was going on. My mother was like, colors jumping around. I said, no, you can leave. Thank you. Are you in this anymore because I can't watch this movie?

I said, no, I'm dead. They kill me. And she goes, oh, good. Yeah. So anyway. Yeah, I don't think I get sent like the beautiful mind. I don't think I get that. Did Beautiful Mind. I don't think I get that script. Did you have a part in Jerry Maguire?

Got cut out, yeah. That was the first movie I had a scene, and Tom Cruise was such a prick on that. It was him and Kelly Preston getting into a fight at the NFL draft, and I play this annoying radio guy who interrupts them, and he looks at me with a move like, get out of here, and I leave. And it was two 14-hour days. Cameron Crowe is the director, and there was a pause in the script.

It said, pause, then go in. And I paused, and I memorized everything. And Tom Cruise didn't know that. So after a few takes, he looked at me in front of the whole crew. He just screams out, can you come in quicker, please? You know, the guy with the steady camera looks down. He pissed off Tom Cruise. And Cameron Crowe comes over and goes, listen, I'll explain it to him.

Just do it the way he wants to do it. So we do it again the way he wanted it. And then he went like real like military. He went, thank you. Like, you know, in front of everybody. But in a real me like way. And that's the whole thing. For two days, I worked with him and kelly preston for 14 hours i was a foot from them they didn't say one word to me like while they're makeup and shit like

they're like talking about you're going to that party you know you know and uh they didn't say a word didn't acknowledge my existence wow and as long as we're telling tales out of school you you worked with somebody else who was in that movie. Who? The guy that won the Oscar for being in that movie. I've heard you say, you know where I'm going. Oh, Cuba Gooding. Your guy is nodding. He knows where I'm going. Oh, Cuba Gooding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I worked with him. I did another movie called Boat Trip with him. Me and Will Ferrell played gay guys. Oh, I love that. Who doesn't? Now that's the one where they have to both act gay to get one of those movies you could pitch in 30 seconds you go like two guys uh are on a getting laid street you know

drought first of all it's kuba gooding and eratio sands like they're best friends and uh and they piss off a gay travel agent and as a joke the travel agent sends them on a gay cruise instead of a regular cruise, and then that's it. Then they go, okay. Yeah. Then that was a movie. And, yeah, but I hung out with Cuba Gooding at a couple of those. We shot it in Cologne, Germany, and all these fucking hot German chicks wanted to fuck him.

They're just standing around him. And, yeah, the hottest chick I ever fucked in my life was in Germany because she thought I knew Cooper Cunning Jr. She didn't speak a word of English. It was like fucking Herman Goering. I am second only to the Fuhrer. I was trying to get her in my hotel room the next day at like a 7 a.m. call time like pointing at shit

at the doorknob like go, go, go. And she's like Cooper Goody she wanted to meet Cooper. I'm like I don't know. I don't have his number. But it's one of those things

where like some guys like a couple times through the stern try I went out with John Stamos to a club. It's like those guys step on like a pussy landmine and you might get hit

with shrapnel if you stand close enough. That's what this German club was. That's all they liked, the movie. You didn't have any problems with Kuba? No, no. He was a good guy to me. He came on the Stern Show a couple years later and didn't remember me, which I figured was going to happen.

And his father was a singer. Main ingredient. Everybody plays the fool. Did his father was a singer. Main ingredient. Everybody plays the fool. Did you know that song? Oh, yeah. That's Cooper Gooding Sr. Right. Wow.

Right. His father was a singer. I asked about him. He's on The View. He's very proud of that. Why don't we just throw some fun questions out at you, Artie, about movies? Underrated character actor. Somebody more people should know about.

Underrated character actor. Somebody more people should know about. Underrated character actor. I'd be interested in your take on this too, Gil. A guy who's... What's the name of the guy? The problem is I'm not going to know the name. I'll help you out. Well, John C. Re'll help you out. He, well, John C. Reilly was always good

at stuff, but then he became kind of a star. Who's always good in shit? Seymour Cassell. Yeah, well, Seymour, yeah. I don't know how he's doing. I mean, that's as good an answer as any.

I don't know. Who's like a modern-day Jack Warden? You know what I mean? Who's a guy in the 70s? It's harder and harder to find them. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of guys who are talented. John C. Reilly's a good call.

Yeah. I always liked him and stuff, but then he became a star. And I always liked John C. Reilly better a good call. Yeah, I always liked him and stuff, but then he became a star. And I always liked John C. Reilly better when he was the supporting character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always thought he brought so much to it. Right, yeah. Like in Boogie Nights. Oh, yeah.

He's really funny in that. Yeah, yeah. You want to talk a little bit about Elf? Oh, sure. That's a Christmas bonus for me. That's like... Because we had the real Santa on the show a Christmas bonus for me. That's like... Because we had the real Santa on the show a couple of weeks ago. I was in the cartoon version.

And he was in the cartoon, Buddy the Elf. Yeah, well, they do marathons of that. It's unbelievable. The residual checks are nice around Christmas, you know. But, yeah, Will asked me to do that. That was great. We shot it in Vancouver. It was all improvised. But, you know me to do that. That was great. We shot it in Vancouver. It was all improvised.

But, you know, it was fun. It was like a long day. But again, it's like the marathons are the fucking thing. So God bless it. Asner told us he thinks it's the best Christmas movie. Really? Yeah, he said better than that saccharine Miracle on 34th Street shit. No, the first Miracle on 34th Street.

It's great. It's great. I really like the Marlo Thomas. With Orson Welles? Yeah. Oh, no, no. That's a Wonderful Life remake. Wonderful Life.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I heard that when she was going to remake that, she went up to Frank. She saw Frank Capra. Yeah. Oh, that's a shame he was still alive. Oh, yeah.

Frank, I got good news for you. Yeah. And she said, could you give me some advice? I'm remaking It's a Wonderful Life. And he goes, the advice is don't. I mean, that's actually, he's being a good guy. Yeah. That is the advice.

That's the only advice. I mean, come on. You know, the funny thing about that movie Elf, Will was in that fucking outfit and that character the only advice I mean come on you know the funny thing about that movie Elf Will was in that fucking outfit in that character the whole time and I'm in my trailer trying to get that

Santa outfit on and he walks by it's like 6 in the morning he's got the full wig the hat like stapled to his head and he's in that character he walked by

and just went hi Artie at breakfast he was like, These eggs are good! He stayed as Buddy the Elf the entire lunch because I think he was afraid of losing that enthusiasm. I would have thrown myself off the Chrysler building a weekend.

I mean, that's commitment. You deserve that paycheck. Hi, Artie! I'm playing an elf! Who did you play in the cartoon version? I was the boss of the department store. Oh, okay. James Caan. Oh, was James Caan in the

movie his boss? Yeah. And I was Sonny in the cartoon. You would have been great. You know, James Caan on the set of Elf told me this joke. You might know this joke, but to hear James Caan tell it, he goes, you're a comedian. He goes, here's a joke.

He goes, what's the worst thing a broad could hear after she blows Willie Nelson? I said, what? He goes, I'm not Willie Nelson. But James Caan told him it's perfect. I'm not Willie Nelson. See you later. Tell Artie the one Marty Allen told us about the guy in the backseat with the girl. Oh, Marty Allen.

Marty Allen. 95. Well, he told us this, but he wouldn't say it on the air. Right. Because they're still afraid. He's like 500. Yeah, the old school guys. He's afraid of his image being tarnished.

So he said, Marty Allen says, a guy picks up a girl. He takes him in his car. He takes the girl in his car. A guy picks up a girl. He takes the girl in his car. They're making out really hot and heavy. And then she unzips him and starts sucking his dick. And he's getting really turned on.

And he's rubbing her leg on and he's rubbing her leg and he rubs her thigh and he reaches under her dress and he finds a dick and balls. And he goes, hey, when you're through, we gotta talk. First of all,

that would only help Marty Allen's image. Of course. Hip him up. hip him up. Hip him up. He should open and close with that. Well, it's just like Larry Storch was in The Aristocrat. And when I said, hey, we were in a movie together, he was like denying being in The Aristocrat.

No, you weren't. Suddenly, yeah. Try to pretend the whole movie doesn't exist. That's another level, Larry Storch. Yeah, there you go. F Troop. There's nothing on TV even close to as funny as F Troop. Oh, yeah.

And, oh, but sometimes they make an improvement, like the movie version of Car 54. Oh, God. Who's in that? Steve Martin and Albert Brooks? Rosie O'Donnell's in it. Of course. I think David Johansson. The guy from the New York Dolls?

Yeah. He was Joey Ross. Of course he was. One of the wives was Rosie O'Donnell. Yeah, she's in it. And that guy from Scrubs who played the boss, that skinny guy, I forget his name. Zach Braff? Oh, no, no.

You mean the tall John McGinley. Oh, John McGinley. John McGinley. He was the Fred Gwynn. And I love the original Car 54. I thought that's hysterical when I watch it. I think it was John McGinley. It might not be.

He was in Mother with Albert Brooks. Yeah.. I think it was John McGinley. It might not be. He was in Mother with Albert Brooks. And I think it was him. And he's in his trailer, the little honey wagon he had before he shoots his scene. Albert Brooks came in and said, listen, I understand that you're really good at improvising. And if you tell an actor that, yeah, I'm trained

in improvising. You could just think of anything off the cuff. anything off the cuff. Anything off the cuff. You're just great at just right off the top of your head. You can make anything better. You can make the script better. And he goes, yeah, I am. He goes, well, on this, I'd like you to stick to the text. That is a flawless Albert Brooks impression.

Do me a favor. Don't change a goddamn thing. But that's so funny, baiting an actor, because any actor will go, yeah, actually, I am a good actor. Well, on this side, I'd like you to stick to the text. It's complete contempt. I'm out of cards, Gil.

What else you got? Let's see. Oh, you know a character actor I like is that Jeffrey DeMond. Jeffrey DeMond? That's a name I probably know the face. We'll dial him up for you. I like Josh Duamel from Las Vegas.

Jeffrey DeMond. I'll find you, Jeffrey DeMond. That sounds familiar. Harris Ulin. Yeah. Well, Richard Dysart just died. I'll give you one. Philip Baker Hall. Great. He's the best. Philip Ulin. Yeah. Well, Richard Dysart just died. I'll give you one. Philip Baker Hall. Great. He's the best. Philip Baker Hall. Yeah. I always liked him. Yeah, he's got that wonderful

thing in Boogie Nights where he's talking about butter in his ass. He's awesome in that. And the other Paul Thomas Anderson movie, Magnolia, is not as good. It's a little long, but he's good in it. Oh, the game show host. And he's really good in a small role in Talented Mr. Ripley. He plays the game show host. And he's really good in a small role in Talented Mr. Ripley.

He plays the detective. What's that? Is that Jeffrey? Oh, okay. Jeffrey DeMunn. Sure. Yeah, he's great. Absolutely.

Plus Philip Baker. Poor man's Larry David. He shows up in Midnight Run as Jimmy Serrano's lawyer. Yeah, yeah. Well, there you go. He's dead now, but Dennis Farina. Yeah, it was Well, there you go. He's dead now, but Dennis Farina. Yeah, it was great. An actual cop. He's dead now,

but Robert De Niro. Yeah, yeah. I mean, do you think De Niro has hurt his legacy? There's no way he hasn't, right? I mean, with Bullwinkle and all that. I mean, just the last ten years, pick something. You must have seen Jack and Jill, haven't you?

No, I haven't, no. I mean, Al Pacino is in Jack and Jill. And it's like, when I watched that movie, I thought, maybe you don't give a shit about your legacy. But it used to mean something to me before i saw this horrible yeah yeah just think of me i used to like well you think about the paychecks like we were saying before like the money in tv syndication drew carrie could probably hire de niro and pacino to do a play in his backyard he probably could do do that. I mean, that's because he's got

about a billion dollars from TV syndication money. Well, it's just like when I first started getting calls to do, like, reality TV shows. And I, in my mind, it was like, oh, I want to be more in a category with Robert De Niro than with Kim Kardashian.

And Kim Kardashian can buy and sell Robert De Niro a billion times over. It's unbelievable. It's sad, but that's the country. But he had a great run. I mean, you look at those films of the 80s and look at The Mission and King of Comedy. But he was probably, he was almost broke after Raging Bull. I mean, that almost ended their career, that movie.

It made no money. Scorsese, too. And was later named by AFI as the best picture of the decade. Yeah, well, that's what I mean, that almost ended their career, that movie. It made no money. Scorsese, too. And was later named by AFI as the best picture of the decade. Yeah, well, that's what I mean. So, you know, it's all backwards, that's for sure. But, you know, at least you do have the good ones to look back on. But, yeah, the last ten years, you know, I guess if you're going to take Naomi Campbell to Paris in a private jet once a month,

you've got to do Meet the Fockers 6. Analyze this, that, and the other thing. Now, in that last Focker movie. I didn't see it. I didn't see it either. I've seen it on TV. The money they probably paid out, those last couple had Streisand, Dustin Hoffman. Talk about staining legacies.

What do you pay Barbara Streisand for that? And Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand and that last one are kind of like Suzanne Somers after they fired her from Three's Company. That's what you want to be? Yeah. That's how you want to be described. Hey, Christy, you're in Mexico? Mexico? Hey, Christy, you're in Mexico? Mexico? Cue Priscilla Barnes.

What is that bit you used to do where you talked about they mistook Norman Feld for Hitler? Oh, for Kurt Waldheim. Prove you, Norman Feld. Well, Joyce to it was a consummate professor. That's the bit. Yes. That's the bit. Norman Feld's one of those guys whose name is a full sentence.

There's a few guys like that. Norman Feld. Wasn't the rest of that punchline, John DeRidder had a likable vulnerability? John Ritter had a likable vulnerability. John Ritter had a likable vulnerability? Was a consummate professor. It was a real learning experience. That was my favorite bit.

A learning experience. The way John Ritter fell over an ottoman. Ben Gazzara. Remember the Gilbert's Ben Gazzara bit? Yeah, sure. I remember all that stuff. Gilbert Gottfried died today in his New York hotel. If a plane hit us right now, what would the article say?

The parrot from Aladdin and the guy from Dirty Work died. Two guys who we think may have been on the Stern Show at one time, but we can't remember that far back. Two guys who claim they once met Howard Stern, but we don't believe it. There's no tape available to prove it. There's no tape available to prove it. Two guys who were auditioning for the Black Honeymooners. Two guys. The radio version.

Well, this is it. What we did here today is why we're not on the Howard Show. Will the podcast stay in your legacy, Gilbert? That's what I want to know. I think this one will. Okay. Well, that's it. This has been... This has been the last thing we will ever do in show business.

Look for us on, what is it, Periscope? Marty, did you know that Gilbert knows the song that the ballplayers sing and bang the drum slowly? No. Yeah. Please excuse my tears, but I've been on the road to tribulation, and I find no consolation here. What good is a love song if the words are secondhand? They don't belong to anyone I can get near.

Because you live on the outside of my jaw and laughter. You gave me a good time but I can't come after. All is said and done. I'm not the one you really took me for and so you better look before

you leap. So you better look before you weep. We don't have the rights to that song. Vincent Gardinia. That's unbelievable. Frank Lorenzo. You might be the only person alive who knows the words.

What are you talking about keeping that crazy shit in your head? He's the master. Absolutely. Oh, hi. This has been I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and not like you need this man's credits.

He was in such classics as Dirty Work, The Bachelor, and this might give it away, Artie Lang's Beer League. Artie Lang, who you'll both see us on the Stern Show. you'll both see us on the Stern show. If it's an episode of the next Star Trek. If they pull out the tape

from 40 years ago. Gilbert, real quick, because a lot of people request this on Twitter. Do an impression of me giving you advice on how to shoot a DVD. Okay. This is when I was first this is when i was first going to make a dvd and i knew nothing about it so i figured arty's made a few dvds he'll probably have like great stuff to tell me it'll be brilliant what arty can tell me. Of course. So I said, can you tell me

something about making a DVD? Because you made a lot of... And he goes, well, when we make a DVD, you should perform it at a club with an audience

and get someone to record it. You know, you record it and then you put that recording on the DVD. And if you do more than one show, you listen afterwards and you see which bitch worked. I know, it was Art Buchwald. Yeah, and which bitch didn't work. And you put in the bitch that worked on the DVD. And then what you want to do is cut out the bitch that didn't work.

That's what you want to do. Fantastic. Brilliant. Wonderful. Well, it's been great want to do. Brilliant. Wonderful. Well, it's been great to be here. Thank you, Artie. Thank you, guys. Xero.

X-E-R-O. Xero is beautiful accounting software built to help small businesses be more productive and successful. Sign up for a free, that's right, free 30-day trial today at xero.com slash podcast. slash podcast. One of the funniest people out there Thank you. Just go to youtube.com slash wait for it comedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore. Because it's here. And it's funny. And I love you. A few days ago, Brooke Tudine posted an inspirational quote on her wall

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