Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 54. Anniversary Special pt1

Episode Date: June 8, 2015

To celebrate the podcast's one-year anniversary, Gilbert and Frank round up an all-star cast of their favorite guests -- Craig Bierko, Drew Friedman, Tom Leopold, Bill Persky and Paul Shaffer -- for a lively, no-holds-barred discussion of a host of essential topics, ranging from George Kirby's drug bust to the rumored love affair between Clark Gable and Andy Devine. Also: Paul plays the "Hogan's Heroes" theme, Tom obssesses over George Maharis, Craig praises Don Knotts, Drew stalks Brando and Bill babysits Orson Welles. PLUS: Troy Donahue! Jack Palance! Mario Lanza takes his revenge! Brian Wilson meets Jay Silverheels! And the return of Rickie Layne and Velvel! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I'm Dave, and saving with TD Insurance made me feel like I scored my own jingle. With over 30 ways to save, nobody seems like Dave. Save on home and auto like only you can at tdinsurance.com slash ways to save. TD. Ready for you. The Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast Producer of the Month for June is Ryan Story. Thank you, Ryan. If you would like to be just like Ryan and be rewarded for supporting the podcast,

head over to patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried. For a small amount, you can get some colossal benefits, such as access to new podcast episodes before anyone else, exclusive video hangouts, shout-outs from me on Twitter. I will even read your advertisement speech or manifesto That's Patreon. We thank you for your generosity. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and it's Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre and Nutmeg Post. We're talking to Craig Biarico, Drew Friedman, Tom Leopold, Bill Persky, and Paul Schaefer for our big one-year anniversary show. Don't miss it. Gil, I'd like to introduce you, or reintroduce you to one of our sponsors called Zero.

Now, you may know this already. I've read pages they've sent me. X-E-R-O. Yeah. I usually don't know half the stuff I read. They give me a page and I go, now if this was an ice cream sponsor, I'd say

oh, it's creamy and delicious. And I'd go, now, if this was an ice cream sponsor, I'd say, oh, it's creamy and delicious. And I could ad lib around it. You've experienced ice cream. Yes. But accounting software, not so easy? Yeah, well, that's my next big topic. Well, Xero, X spelled X-E-R-O, is beautiful accounting software. Not just any accounting software.

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You can even, even, sorry. There, there, there, there, there, there. I want, you see, he's reading a page. He's reading a page and even he screwed it up. Let's go back to that. He's reading a page. Okay, go back. You got your glasses on.

You can send invoices, online quotes to your customers. As I said, you can pay your employees. You could manage your cash flow expenses, and even your inventory with Xero. Wow, it was like you were reading it right off the copy. That's what I meant to say. Now, Xero also, Gil, it's in the cloud. Did you know that?

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Yeah, absolutely. Yes, yes. Yeah, I do all my own taxes. So sign up for a free 30-day trial at zero.com slash podcast. I'm doing my own taxes now. I have 7,000 dependents. You're a little late. The theater.

When do we start? We're starting now. Here we go. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. Hi, Gilbert. Hi. Hello, Paul. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast.

We're here at Nutmeg Post with our engineer, Frank Verderosa. Wow. Credit to his family, the way you pronounce that. I love that show, the Verderosa. The color looked fake. I can't believe we've made it this far but this is our first anniversary show so we've invited back five of our favorite guests well actually there were five people who just answered the phone oh so welcome in alphabetical order a terrific versatile actor and singer, and a man who feels connected with his Jewish heritage.

Well, you don't want to be first. Even though his mother seems to be ashamed of her Jewish heritage, she switched over to Christianity. Good introduction. No, she was ashamed of him. Anyway, Craig Bierico. Okay, that's it. Thank you.

Whose mother's ashamed of being a Jew? Well, why, you know, why even mention? Of course she is. Got him upset already. That's kind of a no-brainer. Wandering around in circles like that. Hey, Craig. Yeah.

No offense. Who's the next least important person in the room? That's interesting. Who's on the money on now? It's building up. And my favorite artist. Thank you. The brilliant and insanely talented Drew Friedman.

That's it? No insults. Thank you. Thank you. He said you were insane. What is that? That's a compliment? Drew Dutch. Thank you. Thank you. He said you were insane. What is that? That's a compliment? Chew dots.

Chew dots. Chew dots. Chew dots. Yes. Ah, N from Cheer, Seinfeld. Don't kid around on this one. And chose too numerous to mention the comedy writer's comedy writer, Tom Leopold. Oh, my God.

Tommy, he's great. You're going to get the old waterworks going, my friend. He's funny. Talk about someone who's ashamed of being a Jew. That's true. Well, that's all in the past now. Yeah, but you know what? I own my shame.

Is that anti-Semitic music? No, he leases. He leases it out. He's still got that one. Did your dick get bigger when you became a Catholic? So who's going to be number one? This is going to be interesting. A genuine living showbiz legend.

Oh, my God. And the creator of That Girl and Kate Nally. Ouch. Five-time Emmy winner. How? And someone we consider now to be the fifth Beatle. Yeah. Bill Persky.

Billy, what shall I sing? I thought that guy from, what's that guy who always talks for Yoko? What's Yoko's spokesman's name? Yoko has a spokesman? Elliot Mintz. Elliot Mintz. I thought he was the fifth Beatle. Elliot Mintz. Elliot Mintz. I thought he was a fifth-billion. Elliot Mintz.

And a renaissance man. Yeah. And our musician for the day. Thank you. And a TV and musical icon. Who came in? Comedian, musician. Thank you.

And band leader. And thankfully for my podcast, unemployed. After 33 years on the David Letterman show, Paul Schaefer. Thank you. Now you were writing a you were kind of improvising a theme song about me. I was playing, yes, yes. What was it again? Yeah.

You swing. Well, someone said social media, and you're all over it. You're all about it. Yes. And Frank mentioned, do you already have, you know, there's calls coming in on social media? Yeah. Is this true? We try. Well, I solicited questions for all of you. have, you know, there's calls coming in on social media? Yeah. Is this true? We try.

Questions and things. I said you swing with the youth. Can you play that? Yeah. So it was Gilbert. I had a lyric going, Gilbert swings with the youth, though some would say he's uncouth. It's almost a limerick. Let's finish it as a limerick, shall we? Yeah.

Gilbert swings with the youth. With the youth. Though some would say he's uncouth. He's so dry he requires no vermouth. He's so, oh yeah, and he's always in French vermouth, yeah. Yeah. He's da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da. Great tea, mother, it's a shame to be a Jew.

And so did you see it? It's funny, that rhymes with everything, doesn't it? He's embarrassed to be a Jew. Then we'll get on to the fun. I want to ask you, that's the order that the introductions are definitely going to be read? Those are the orders. What was alphabetical, Chris?

Alphabetical. I'm not mad. We went to a vote and decided you are our least important guest. That's a tribute to you. I least important guest. Okay, I've got it. You know what? That's a tribute to you. I'm alone in my apartment, and I feel the same way.

No one mentioned. Paul's got it. I have it. Gilbert swings with the youth, though some say he's uncouth. That's all I have. That's all I have. That's all I have. You know what that reminds me of? Let's give a prize to someone who calls in with the rest of it. Paul, we're not live.

I think you wrote that for Joey Reynolds. Oh, if we were live. Paul, you know, that sounded a little to me like... Tens of thousands of people are we up to right now at this point that are listening? Craig, your mic's off. We need a director. Now, can I start off with what I think is the most important topic of the day? Yeah.

Now, I think a lot of us, a lot of people listening, if you don't know, will have to look up on YouTube Clark Gable, preferably in Gone with the Wind, and Andy Devine. Ah. Well. And who was a fat, roly-poly, cockeyed, weird-looking guy with a voice like that. And I could never do an Andy Devine. He was Jingles. Remember him? I heard. He was Jingles. Yes. Yes, of course. And did he have Andy's alley? Andy never do an Andy Devine. He was Jingles. Remember him? I heard.

He was Jingles. Yes. Yes, of course. And did he have Andy's alley? Andy's gang. Andy's gang. Yeah, Andy's gang. That was before fat cowboys were on TV.

But Drew. But it was the original Brokeback Mountain. I've heard. Yes. Drew Freeman. Andy Devine and Clark Gable would go off on hunting trips. That's how he got his name. He was so divine.

And he would leave, you know leave Carol Lombard and they'd stay in the cabin for days and, you know, fuck each other. This is what I heard. Now I want all of you to YouTube both Clark Gable and Andy Devine to get the full feeling.

I'm going to draw it, actually. That can't be true. You know, I think the rumor was spread by Marlon Brando and Wally Cox just to deflate, you know, the attention. I heard Clark Gable once said in an interview, you know, getting frunked up the ass is divine. Can you do Andy Devine? Give it to me. Give it to me, Clark.

Your Gable sounds like Dwight Eisenhower. Now, I heard Jay Silverheels. Yes. No. Paul has a good story about Jay Silverheels. Yeah. Well, his story was Paul Schaefer with Jay Silverheels. Jay Silverheels was Tonto for those who...

There you go. Today's his birthday, by the way. Huh? Today's Jay Silverheels' birthday. It is? I'm sorry I know that. As a matter of fact, Paul... Yeah. Frank matter of fact can you play the Lone Ranger's theme well of course I can

do you want that no that's Vananza that's Vanaza out of the West. Nice. When men were men. It sounds just like the cast of the years. All right.

Tell the story. Now, wait a second. Speaking of Brando, Drew, you have a Brando story. Oh, Brando. I want to hear the Jay Silver. Okay, here's the deal. Oh, Jay Silver. This is a story which involves Brian Wilson, the great creative genius of the Beach Boys.

Okay. And the writer of all of their hits, including the very far-thinking, I had Pet Sounds, which inspired the Beatles to do Sgt. Pepper. You know something from Pet Sounds? And the song Johnny Carson. No, no, I've got to get to the story. He's come back that. The song Johnny Carson. He's come back. He's made a big comeback.

But he is tortured. It's no secret. He's so tortured that he speaks out of his mouth. Sort of like a Bill Murray character. And he's in with his band. He's in Toronto, Canada. And he's in the wings. He's about to go on. And he's just musing to himself, and he says, Toronto, Toronto.

Tonto, Tonto, hey. One time, I was in an insane asylum, and Tonto came into my room with a heart on. I said, get out of here. And then the band goes on, and they're, well, these coast girls are here. What the hell did I just hear? And is Jay Silver here living? No, he's gone. We lost Jay about 45 years ago.

We'll have to bring this down. But, you know, I looked it up. Now Marlo. I looked it up. He's got a Marlon story. I'm not going to talk about Marlo. I'm going to bring him in with a Marlo story. Not Marlo. Marlon. a Marlon story. I'm going to put a Marlon story. I'm going to put a Marlon story. Joe Friedman with a Marlon story. Not a Marlon.

Marlon. My Marlon Brando encounter. Kathy said that this is a very stupid story, but I said, Gilbert's going to like it, though. It's like a couple of years. It's brief. A couple of years ago, I was in Hollywood on Sunset, and I walked into the Haagen-Dazs store, and in front of me was a big fat guy ordering ice cream. And I realized it was Marlon Brando.

He had sunglasses on a hat, but I realized it was him. He was ordering big fat guy ordering ice cream. And I realized it was Marlon Brando. He had sunglasses on and a hat. But I realized it was him. He was ordering a bag full of ice cream, quarts of ice cream in one hand. And then the other hand, he had a cone with four scoops of ice cream. And he pays and he leaves. And I said, I got to follow him out. This is like a golden opportunity. So I followed him out the door.

He starts walking up Sunset. And I'm 10 feet behind him. And I'm just, like, listening to the traffic. And all I can hear is... As he's eating the ice cream. That's my Marlon Brando story. You heard a Marlon Brando fart. It just came out.

I don't know where it was coming. That's all I could hear. You know, you only hear the bad things about Brando. It's a golden memory. But it's nice to hear, you know, from the heart a little bit. So Marlon Brando. Gilbert loves farting stories. Basically farted on you.

No, no, I stayed ten feet behind. I was not his Wally Cox that day. You're my Wally Cox every day. Now, Paul, can you write a Marlon Brando farting song? Yeah. He farted on you. He farted on you. The fart swam around.

Finally found. On those or two. A guy wouldn't admit he was a Jew. But I don't understand. He got different cones, as though he was buying for different people. No, it was all for him, obviously. One cone with four giant scoops, which he was eating. And then he had the bag when he got home.

He had the bag of all the rest. It's amazing how he kept his figure. It was beautiful. Can I ask a question? Yes. A follow-up. How much of the course of ice cream did he eat on the way to the car? It's amazing how he kept his figure. That's beautiful. Can I ask a question? Yes. A follow-up. How much of the course of ice cream did he eat on the way to the car? No, he wasn't.

He was taking those home. Oh, he took them. But he couldn't wait, so he was eating the ice cream on the way home. I see. Billy, did you ever work with Brando? He didn't get in the car. He just walked up. Did you meet Marlon Brando?

No, I never met Marlon Brando. Actually, I missed him by a night in Tahiti. Really? Yeah. We were doing a pilot in Tahiti, and he had been at this place the night before, sitting in that chair. An ice cream place? No, because he owned an island there. Yeah.

Taya Rower or something. He loved it there. But he was at this place where we were shooting the pilot, and they said, you're sitting where Marlon Brando sat last night. Wow. What was the pilot? It was called Three for Tahiti, about three guys, American guys, who built a hotel in Tahiti in the 50s. Wow.

Three for Tahiti. His love nest with Wally Cox is on East 11th Street. His love nest? Right off University. I give a tour of New York, and that's on the tour. Now, this is, of course, the godfather, Don Corleone,

and underdog were fucking each other in the ass. Well, naturally. Well, you know, I just read a book about Wally Cox, seriously. And it was all about

people talking about Wally Cox that he was as straight as they came. Yeah. And that they would just like to hike together. So I don't know why you have to... Absolutely.

We had Josh Mostel on the show and he swears that Wally Cox was completely butch with a macho guy. Can you get him on the phone? Yeah. It reads on... It really reads on the phone. How about George Maharis?

He was... Oh, please. He banged more chicks. They happened to be in a men's room in a bag. They should do a U-Bag. Perfume. He still tellies. Was the biggest cunt man.

Huge. I don't know how this urban legend got started. He was right up there with Paul Lind. Who was? George Maharis. Oh, George Maharis. And I know what you're thinking. Oh, now, Bill.

Wait. Did you have any run-ins with George Maharis? Only through, only through. No, he didn't make the jewelry. Who made the jewelry? George Shakiris. George Shakiris. Oh, here we go.

Here we go. The old problem. The confusion. The confusion. The dancer Oscar winner. Yes, and he was a jewelry maker, and Tom has a piece of his jewelry. I do. It's a cock ring. It's a cock ring.

I do. It's a cock ring. Tom embarrassed me into, we had to shop by $750 worth of jewelry. $500 each? Because he's obsessed with George Maharis. Yes. Who isn't? And the name sounds a little like George Shakuris.

George Shakuris was the actor and dancer who was in West Side Story. A common mistake. Won an Oscar. Yeah, won an Oscar for his role in West Side Story. But both those guys are still alive, Perfecto Tellez and Joyce. How do you know Perfecto Tellez is alive? Can't you get them for...

I thought he died. I haven't read the obituary if he died. Oh, my God. I don't think you're right in the obituary. Wow, imagine booking him. That would be great. Dara? That's your last shot.

What was he known for? He'd only know him through you guys. First for sucking George Maharis' dick. I know. He was like lodged in there, wasn't he? You've got to get him. But I don't know what he did. His dick was lodged in George Maharis.

As Craig Nelson. Craig Nelson. Stop calling him Craig Nelson. Craig T. Nelson. From Coach. As Craig Biarico as just said that

yeah it's this thing that gay guys do where one stands in a bag I don't need your life story I'm asking you what I'm asking you what what Perfecto Tellez did because the only way I know him is I know that he did that I'm asking you what Perfecto Tellez did. All right. He did.

Because the only way I know him is... He sucked George Maharis' dick. I know that he did that. I know that he did that. Maybe George Maharis sucked his dick, too. What else did he do? What else did he need to do? Did he have an act?

Or was it his act? I would pay to see him suck George Maharis' dick. What else was fresh? There was some guy who wasn't in show business who was named Perfecto. You know, let me just say something about Gilbert. He's a glass half full kind of guy. Only he would think that George Maharis wasn't in the bag. A bag half full.

Why don't you think George Maharis was maybe in the bag? You know what? That could be. You're welcome. So what you're saying, Tom, is that George Maharis may have been blowing Perfecto Tellez. I'm just throwing it out there. I heard that the police

found George Maharis with his dick lodged into Perfecto Tellez and they had to arrest them both. Okay. That was in the newspaper article. Does that count as one arrest? It doesn't count as one arrest. Is that George Maharis was fucking

perfecto tillers in the air this is what I've always known since I was a child

the police could call the letter it was like hands across America they bring

in a specialist for that kind of to separate fortunately the cops had boiling water we've done eight minutes so

far in perfecto and i don't know what the fuck he does he was a celebrity hairdresser correct he gets fucked up he wasn't even a celebrity he was a hairdresser he was just a hairdresser not like sir monty ross oh no yeah but could you do that on america's got talent i never stern would probably love it. I never have my hair done by a photographer. Next week, you've got to push harder. Howard doesn't go there anymore. Hey, Ontario.

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undertaking to register in Canada. Because the Skip app saves you so much time by delivering stuff like your favorite cool treats, groceries, and bevies, you get to spend the summer doing what you really want, like successfully cutting your jeans into jorts. Yes! Shipping the kids off to summer camp. Yes! Or winning the annual Schellenberg family water balloon fight.

Yes! Suck it, Aunt Susan. Yep, definitely the best summer ever. Squeeze more Suck it, Aunt Susan. Yup, definitely the best summer ever. Squeeze more summer out of summer with Skip. Did somebody say Skip? Oh, you know what? Before I forget, we talked

about this before and never had a musical instrument with us. The first time I went on the David Letterman show, we had to decide on a song to play me out to. And my two biggest failures were Saturday Night Live and Thick of the Night. Saturday Night Live, the Gene Domanian year. Yes.

The year. And Thick of the Night, the Alan Thicke year. Oh, I think you did worse stuff than that. And so we decided to combine the night. Alan Thicke year. Oh, I think you did worse stuff than that. Joe Piscopo year. And so we decided to combine the two. And can you, and I remember you said... I said I would play you out

with both. Gilbert was going to do his first stand-up on Letterman. And I said, I'll play you out with those two flops, the theme from the two.

Only I would know them, but I do. I know the theme from Gene Domanian's Year of SNL and, of course, Thick of the Night. His theme, Running in the Thick of the Night.

I said, I'll do a little one and into the other. I said, but it would be too long. You know, you'll be out there already. He said, so I'll wait. Anyway. Something like this. So this is This is Mike They're not dead How's everybody feeling tonight?

That's how That's how it went But no rehearsal And what was your opening joke then, Gilbert? Oh, I don't remember. You did the Ben Gazzara joke. I did do the Ben Gazzara bit. And, oh, would you like to do a duet with me of singing the Thick of the Night theme?

Yay. Yeah, yeah. Adam. Let me hear a little for a key. Mama don't leave the night. That's too little. Yes, yes. He wrote it, too.

Mama, don't leave the lane. I'm on the road tonight. Everyone needs a dream to hold on. I'm going to make it done, man. Going in the thick of the night under the city lights. Running

in the thick of the night. Into the heat. Gonna treat you right. Running in the thick of the night Night, night, night Now, Gilbert, I gotta talk to you about something, though. Why don't you bring up Thick of the Night?

You were a cast member. It was a talk show with a rep company. You were a member of the rep company. Do you remember any of the other names? Richard Belzer. Was a rep company member, yes. Charles Fleischer. Oh, Rep Company member, yes. Charles Fleischer. Oh, Charlie Fleischer, yeah.

McManus. Mike McManus. Okay. Shaggits. One Shaggits. Something grande. Something... What about a girl?

Was there a girl? Oh, there was a girl who was in that movie about the punk rocker who dies. Who was that big? Wow. Someone smoking? What? Chloe Webb. Oh, she played Nancy Spungen in Sid and Nancy.

She was in the rep company? They were all in the rep company. Chloe Webb. And so it was a talk show slash sketch comedy. It was horrible. She had a character, the French supermodel. Oh, yes. Isabel Brandy a character, the French supermodel. Oh, yes.

It's a little trendy. She played a French supermodel. It was her name. Just one, like the letter R. Just one character? Just played one character? Well, that was her big character. Big character. But there was a period of time when you didn't appear on the show.

Why? You had gone up into the rafters. Yeah, that thing rode into the show. Why? You had gone up into the rafters. Yeah, they rode into the show. And you would not come down. Now, can you justify this? Yeah, they rode into the show. The show kept changing because it was bombing severely.

Ah, thick of the night. And then they decided, hey, Gilbert is this guy who lives... He lives in the kid book. And that's what Alan... The who lives in the catwalk. The catwalk. The catwalk. He lives in the catwalk.

Gilbert never comes down from the catwalk. Never comes down. Was there an explanation about why he didn't come down? It's a little like Chris Elliott under the stairs. Why before I was down there and why now I only live in the cat room? Yeah. The timing was off. I live down in the cat room.

You know, that has haunted me a whole life. Can you tell me now? I have lost sleep trying to figure that out. But what did you as an actor... Well, just stay in this room. When you were living with Alan Fick's wife, did you ask? I kept saying that. On the reality show? Yeah, when you were with his wife. I was living with Alan Fick's wife. Did you ask? I kept saying. On the reality show?

Yeah, when you were with his wife. I was living with his wife. When you were having sex with his wife. Did you ask? Yeah, I know I was having sex with Alan Fick. This is a wife swap. Celebrity wife swap. That's right.

Did you come down on that show? Was it? He went down on that show. Yeah. You're incorrigible. Well, I was in a scene in that. I and my whole family. Yeah, we bells her.

We came over for dinner with Mrs. Thick. So she likes to have dinner parties. What was her first name? Barry. Yes. Oh, geez. Tanya. Gilbert had taken her to the fryer's kitchen the night before for dinner.

So what a show. Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Gilbert had taken her to the friar's kitchen the night before for dinner. Yeah, yeah. So what a show, yeah. Oh, my goodness. So we're over there with Belzer and Gilbert, and we say they both work for Alan Thicke. Let's get him on the phone. And we get him on the phone.

Tanya gets him on the phone. We sing Thicke of the Night, and we really drive him into the ground and talk about how what a flop that show was oh yes but we didn't really get much reaction from him there was silence on the other end huh i know yeah yeah but we were having the time of our lives laughing couldn't stop laughing and we're wondering why he's not getting it and when they aired the show, they cut out that. Yeah, they didn't even use it.

Call him right now and try again. We had a lot of fun doing it. You did speak to him on the phone on the unworn episode. We had him on. We had Alan Thicke on the show.

He was very funny about it. Yeah, we had him on. But the part where me, Paul, and Richard were singing that, they didn't leave that in. I was gold. Now, Bill.

What? Yeah, Bill Persky. Oh, my God. You worked with Orson Welles. that they didn't leave that in oh i was gold now bill what yeah bill persky oh my god you five you worked with orson welles yes i did who just uh had a hundredth birthday his hundredth just died did you do the wine the wine in a box stuff no i didn't do that i did the wine in the coffee mug where he got drunk during rehearsals and said, where is he getting the booze? All he drinks all day is coffee. It was the darkest burgundy in the world, and by 4 o'clock he was on the floor, and no one knew where it was coming from. Just Paul Masson? No, no.

We were in London at the time. I don't think they allowed Paul Masson into the country, either the man or the wine. You went there to do The Man Who Came to Dinner. Yeah, yeah. You directed it. No, Buzz Kulick directed it. Buzz Kulick, who was a great director, decided he was going to be the person who controlled Orson Welles. Wherever Orson Welles is now, the guy in charge is not controlling Orson Welles.

There was no such thing. And it all came to a head one night when Welles wanted to do a certain thing. And Buzz said, no, we're not going to do that. And we're in with the crew and the voiceover of the director. And they went back and forth argument. And finally, Welles said to him, Mr. Kulik, you are talking to the director of citizen kane and over the pa comes a film i always thought was highly overrated wow kulik said that love it stunned wow now well said well uh mr kulik whatever you plan to do with your next shot i suggest that you find someone to be in it. And he walked out. It was the last shot in the show. No one knew where he was. For hours, we were looking. We're

in golden time, all of this expense. He had called Prince Philip, and he was having dinner at the Southampton Yacht Club. We finally got him to come back, he said i want an apology or i won't come back so i i was producing we i had my partner and i had written and we were producing the show and so i went to buzz q i said you got to apologize to him he said that overrated i said you got it we don't have the money to keep we got to end the show so he said said, all right, I'll apologize. So Wells came in and Kulik said, I apologize. He said, oh, no, no, no. Over the PA. Loud.

Very loud. Great. So now we had to make that. And now Wells walked back on the set. And Kulik said, he said, I would just like to apologize to insulting Mr. Wells and bringing up the fact that Citizen Kane was highly overrated. What did he do then? It worked. No one could hear him over Orson Welles' ice cream farts.

The setup of my last moment with Orson Welles, we had become very close because somehow he really liked me a lot and i was assigned to keep him from drinking so i spent a lot of time with him meeting too yes but we were shooting in south hampton in london in england fog like famous for the fog there was one street light in the middle of the parking lot of this thing. It was like a scene from The Third Man. I mean, you could hear the zither in the background. And when we're leaving, Wells' chauffeur, he had a limo and all. And Wells said, I must pee.

Yes. Okay. Because it felt that was all that was missing he couldn't find a bathroom now there's a roman wall that runs through southampton from when the romans were it is revered i mean if you're driving down they when they laid out the city if there was a wall in the way you make a right turn go around the wall and go back to where you are they loved it finally, we get outside. Well, said, I must be. And he said, perhaps here, sir, the show. So he said, goes over it. Here's the goddamn Roman Roman wall. Wells gives me a hug with one arm and is unzipping with the other. And he said, I love you, Billy. Be well. And I walked into the fog with Niagaraagara falls hitting i mean it was i mean it was the loudest thing and it's going through the fog and the lights and i'm walking into the night it was amazing what did it sound like can you do it no are you kidding it was literally like a herd of elephants peeing. Now, Billy, we found a fan alerted us to a video that I circulated among the boys.

Yes. From a movie called Water. Yes. A British film. I saw. You guys sent it around. We sent it around. We all decided you were holding out on us.

And do you want to tell our listeners who you were co-starring in this particular scene? Well, Ringo Starr and George Harrison. George Maharis? No, George Maharis. George Harrison. George Maharis was fucking worse than Wells. Wally Peed. Wally Peed.

And Eric Clapton. But the truth be known, they were not in this. What was the movie? Oh, it was called Water, a movie. Water. Yeah, I had written this movie with Ian LaFrenet and Dick Clement. I don't know if you know them. They wrote the Irish rock band.

What was it? The Greats movie. Oh, the Replacements? No, with a C. Oh, The Commitments. The Commitments. Anyway, they're really great writers. And it was about an island in the Caribbean.

There was the worst island in the world. The wind blew in all directions at the same time, all four directions. You couldn't play cards in this island. And there was no beach. But somebody discovered that there was water on the island that was a great laxative. And suddenly – Where are you on my podcast no really and suddenly well it starred michael keen michael cain rather and and valerie and it was it was really a funny movie but uh i was brought over to just have a bit part in it

i look very young it was a long time ago. I wrote it, yeah. Wrote it and appeared as the TV director. Wrote it and appeared as a director. And what kind of scene was that? Why was Clapton and those people there? Because there was a time when the Islanders, the guy that Billy played was known in the script as the singing rebel.

He refused to talk until the island was free. So every time he was there, he would sing Calypso songs, drove everybody crazy. So then they went in front of the UN to make an appeal for the island. Meanwhile, it almost caused an atomic war because the French were trying to take it over to protect Perrier. And the Americans were going to do it to protect Poland Spring. It was a fun movie. Oh, wow. A fan named Jonathan Sloman, one of our listeners, to do it to protect Poland's spring. It was a fun movie. Oh, wow.

A fan named Jonathan Sloman, one of our listeners, sent it to me. I know him. You know Jonathan? Yeah. You do. From Britain. He's a Brit. Yeah, he's a Brit. And just the sight of you sitting there behind the control room.

With that hair. Yeah, the hair. And introducing Ringo and George. I have a question. Yes. So do you ever write stuff that doesn't have a tropical island? Yes. Journey to the North Pole. Okay, just checking. Now, Tommy Lee,

I understand you have a little story about Troy Donahue. Oh, God. Put the kids to bed. There are no segues, by the way. You've already had a bunch of Troy Donahue stories on your show. No, not enough. Well, there can never be enough.

There haven't been enough. Well, that can never be enough. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. There haven't been enough. Well, it isn't really a story per se. Well, you could tell the... And it certainly isn't a funny story. I give you the option of telling the Troy Donahue or the Mario Alonso story. Well, let me tell both.

They're kind of companion pieces. Tom Leopold. Thank you. With his... This is where I take two forgotten celebrities and put them together you could get whiplash

doing this nobody in this room forgot them oh thank you I'll never forget them anyway I don't want to get all choked up here

it wasn't anything it never took place but when I was on some show out in LA somebody came in and said that they had seen Troy Donahue homeless on the street. Oh, I heard this. Yes. And I immediately, because when I was a kid, Troy Donahue was the biggest star in the universe.

Susan Plechette and all those terrible movies. Biggest Tab Hunter, at least. Oh, yeah. Bigger movie star than tab. Well, I don't know. We'll talk about that. Let's get into that comparison. So I thought, my God, and I was making money. You know what? I bet

I could hire Troy Donahue to get my laundry and shit. I mean, I really could. I really could. I really could. I could give him, what, $1,000 a week cash. And imagine calling. I swear to God, I really thought about this. I thought, this is, you know.

And imagine calling. Troy? Yeah. Do me a favor. That end table they're putting in the glass, go down to La Brea and get that for me. Anyway, I never pursued it because I thought it might be sad. Wow.

Yeah, I heard he was, Troy Donahue was living in people's homes. Yeah, and he died in Central Park, I think. He did? Really? Yeah. No, no, no. No, that doesn't sound right. It can't be. Paul has a different... It just can't be. No, it just can't be. that doesn't sound right. No, it can't be. Paul has a different... It just can't be. No, it just can't be.

It doesn't sound right. No. What about Mario Lanza? He died in something. He died. Yes. Somebody died. No.

Will somebody please die? If that's a part guy, I'm going to look like an idiot. I can't. No, I heard Troy Donahue. No, that was Kent McCord. People would go, hey, it's Troy Donahue. Yeah. Oh, you could stay here for the night. Why is he covering his own shit?

That man was in Paris. He'd be covering somebody else's shit for crying out loud. He's a movie star. I didn't think they had shit. All right, I hate to drop dinners. I know where we're going. I had dinner with Troy Don donahue and suzanne plachette what yes excellent who was a part who was a friend of it went the night he died

food poisoning how'd you find him no she was going out with troy donahue when i first got out to la to LA. Valerie Perrine? No. Susie Plachette. Oh, Susie Plachette. Thank you, Dara. I have a feeling that they knew he was gay, but he was a big star and she was just getting started. Troy Donahue? Yeah. Was this in your autobiography? I would hope so. He was married a few times.

Oh, really? Dara. You know why it didn't work out? Now, he's gay. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was Tab Hunter. They look so much alike. Look, isn't it bad enough we say he lived in the park? Why do we have to say

he's gay? Dara just pointed out that he died in Santa Monica Hospital at the age of 65, Troy Donovan. Thanks a lot, Dara. With George Meharis

or with Dara. How do you feel now? He had a stick in Perfect Hotel Isaiah. Well, with Mario Lanza? Is there a Mario Lanza story? Oh, yeah. This is a good one.

Can it top this last one? He painted your house, right? This is a beautiful story. And late carpeting. Does anything in this story that doesn't make me want to fucking blow my head off happen? One thing, there's a nice person who passes him. This is a beautiful story. This is a sweeter one.

Tell this story. This is a sweet story. You could cut this out if it's too wobbly. You'll like it. But the truest thing, I've read it in many books, Dory Sherry was the head of MGM after Louis B. Mayer. Another person that everyone is running to Google. Dory Sherry was the head of MGM after Louis B. Mayer. Another person that everyone is running to Google.

Dory Sherry. In this room. D-O-R-E. He was on the I Love Lucy. He was on the I Love Lucy. That's right. Dory Sherry was on an I Love Lucy episode. Not the real one. It was an actor playing. Because that night, apparently,

he was with Tom. Don't know. But Craig is right. But it was not the real Dory, apparently, he was with Tom. Who played him, Frank? Don't know. But Craig is right. But it was not the real Dory Sherry. It was an actor. Was it the real William Holden on I Love Lucy? Yes. Tommy, if you will. Was it the real Lucy?

Was there a real Lucy? Was it the real Fred? I worked with Lucy, of course. Well, you'll tell them. That's here. Which era Lucy? The one where she sounded like Everett Dirk's Stone Pillow. Another Google reference.

Gary! Gilbert does a great Lucy. Old Lucy. Gilbert does old Lucy. Go ahead. Ah, Desi. Hey. Well, I always liked those when she was older.

And like she and Bob Hope. We try to be hip. And it's like, hey, let's go to that costume party as hippies. Yeah, look at me. I'm a beater. I'm one of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a beater.

That's right. We're the Beatles. He'd show up in the beaded vest with the long hair and the motorcycle into the park. And they run into Jack Benny as a hippie. I think people are dying to get back to the Dory Sherry. Let's go. Mario Lanza.

Take a number. Mario Lanza. Take a number. Mario Lanza. It's the same story. It's the same story. It's the same story. But before I get to that, did I tell the story about watching... I feel like a lifeguard in an insane asylum. Did I tell the story last time I was on about where Lucy's on one of the last of the Lucy shows with Gail Gordon.

No, you did not tell us. Tell that one. It was when our daughter. Is Mary Alonzo in this? No. Jesus Christ. Mary Alonzo. Mary Alonzo would be our truth.

Life with Lucy when she was like 94. Oh, my God. That would be my favorite. Being held together by Matt Basingt. That was the funny one. After the Stone Pillow where she plays the homeboy. Oh, my God. Yes. No, no. Before the Stone Pillow. Before the Stone Pillow. She was a funny one. After the stone pillow where she plays the home run. Oh, my God, yes. No, no, before the stone pillow.

Before the stone pillow. She was a homeless woman. Was Frank Nelson also on that one? Yeah. Anyway, I'm up with our daughter back from the hospital. She's up at 4. I'm walking around. I got late at night.

It's like, here's Lucy or here's Lucy this time. I don't know what it's called. Here's Lucy because the other one didn't work at all. Life with Lucy. I think it was called Here's Lucy because the other one didn't work. No, that one was called Here's Lucy Whether You Like It or Not. The last show was Life with Lucy. Life with Lucy.

The life left with Lucy. Whatever life is left with Lucy. Before death with Lucy. That's when Lucy looked like she was going to be dead at any point. But she was still showing her legs. Yeah. Oh, yes, yes. Very disturbing.

Anyway. Oh, wow, yeah. Anyway, so I'm watching, and the whole plot of this episode of Lucy is Bob Crane is a guest star, Robert Crane from Hogan's Hero. Yeah, Bob Crane. Oh, my God. Yeah. And the whole plot is he invites Lucy on a date, Bob Crane.

And Lucy's problem now, I don't think Viv was even in it. She gave up. Viv was gone. She checked out. She moved back to New York. She dragged around the corp. She was in a major depression. Anyway.

She dragged around the cork. She was in a major depression. Anyway. So the whole plot is Lucy asking Mr. Mooney, her boss, McGillicuddy, if she could get out of work early because I got a date with a boy. Bob Craig. I got a date with a boy. Bob Craig. Oh, no. Oh, no, Mrs. McGillicuddy.

That's a great story. This is a paid advertisement from BetterHelp. As a podcast listener, you've heard from us before. Today, let's hear what members have told us. One member said, I would recommend my therapist 1,000 times over. She has truly changed my life. Another member said, the day after my first session, my friends spicy history. Thornton Prince was a ladies' man.

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Real quick. Where are we going? Gil, do we have time for the Mario Lanza story? Yeah, I think we could squeeze it in there. This is a great story. I love it. You can tell this in real time. We have time for it in real time.

Yeah. Tom shared this with me. It's a short story, but it has this in real time we have time for real time yeah well tom shared this is a short story but a big it has a big heart it's touching i don't know anyway dory sherry took over from louis v mara and he changed the whole studio around and he was the one who hired mary alonzo from the opera stage to come out and make those horrible movies and you know the movies i'm talking about like when his weight would fluctuate so much. Oh, Mario Lanza. He brought Mario Lanza. And his weight would fluctuate

during the picture. But he'd start out in one scene and he goes, well, I'm going to go in that other room now. I should be back. I'm going to sing Rigoletto. And he'd walk out of that room and walk into the other room. He'd be 48 pounds heavier. And then he'd go through another door. He're skinny again and

then he's like anyway so mario lonza the great italian singer for our for our listeners so dory sherry and mario lonza got into a terrible feud about contracts or letting him out so he could do concerts so mario lon Lawrence did the thing, the natural thing. He took a big, steaming, creamy dump on Dory Sherry's lawn. Creamy. Creamy.

And it made the papers. Do you ever hear that story? No. Oh, it's in so many books. The shit made the papers. The shit hit the, the shit hit the papers. The look on Billy Persky's face. Just ask him if he heard that story. He made the papers. The shit hit the papers.

The look on Billy Persky's face. Just let me ask him if he heard that story. Now, I don't know if he negotiated another contract, if it worked. You know, if the shit was so he could get a better contract, I don't know if it worked. No. No. What an odd negotiation. It was a great... It's a beautiful Hollywood story.

Let me tell everyone who's on the show again. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. I'm here with Frank Santopadre. We're here with Craig Bierico. Bottom of the barrel. Drew Friedman. Bottom of the barrel. Craig Bierico.

Drew Friedman. Tom Leopold. Bill Persky. I'm leaving after the shit story. And Paul Schaefer. We haven't gotten to them. What are we doing? We're building up.

Is that the hour mark? Are we at the hour mark? Well, the second hour is going to be all Danny Thomas, right? We talk about Bob Brain. Go ahead. Go for Bob Brain. What did he get arrested for? He was killed. Right?

What? He liked to masturbate with friends. Bob Brain What? He liked to masturbate with friends. Bob Crane, star of Hogan's Heroes. Yes. Thank you. Was he like you? Did you write the Dick Van Dyke that he was on? No.

I did not. That was early. I think that was early. Yeah, it was early. And Bob Crane was into having orgies. Yeah. And filming. Videoing it. He had this huge video

box that he carried from motel room to motel room when he was doing Summer Stock. And they made a movie about it. And that is the theme Paul's playing to Hogan's Heroes. Oh, wow. What do we know about Bob Crane? Oh, here. Now, I think

I know that that theme, I think it goes, you know, it's an instrumental, but all instrumentals have words. And I think for the Hogan's Heroes, it's, We are all the manly men of war. We are marching in where hundreds have before. And then the middle part is you make suggestions. Oh, you ask the questions. We'll make suggestions.

We are the men of war. You ask the questions. We'll make suggestions. What does that have to do with anything? But of all the unnecessary things for a person to have in his head. Oh, you have no idea, Bill. I mean, why? Is there a way to get rid of that now? Can we suck the leader's soul?

I mean, Jesus. Why did you bother to learn that? Do you sing the Logan's Heroes bit in your act? Oh, yes. I always did. Like, who's the guy that came up with the idea for Hogan's Heroes? Bing Crosby. Hitler.

Yeah, that he went into a network and said, here's the idea, a group of soldiers in a Nazi prison camp. It's a comedy. Bing Crosby. He hated Jews, didn't he? Yeah, Bill C a comedy. Bing Crosby, he hated Jews, didn't he? Yeah, Bill Crosby. Bing Crosby. Now, let's talk about all the people who hated the Jews. Aside from everybody in this room.

My mother. My mother. Me. Tom Leopold hated the Jews. I heard Wilford Brimley hated the Jews. That wouldn't surprise me. Well, Craig worked with them. He hated himself.

Can you confirm or deny, Craig? I can't. He didn't speak to me. Who? Wilford Brimley? Okay, Phil. I heard he was the biggest Jew hater of all. I think he hated it because he was one. And he didn't want anyone to find out.

That's what they said about hitler too yeah well they were cousins hitler and will yes but paul and hated jews more than anybody oh yeah paul lynn i heard he blamed that on on uh hollywood jews didn't make him gay yeah on hollywood one of the producers was the producer of the original Hollywood Squares. And he told me that during lunch, all the people on the show would get together. They'd be joking and having a great time. And Paul Lynn would be bombed out of his skull. And he was this bitter old anti-Semitic queen.

Yes. And he would be there going, oh, those fucking Jews. They're the reason I don't have a career. I wish Hitler killed all of them. And he'd be there like, oh, well. That story, you've told that story on every single

episode. That story is your Carol Burnett lobe pull. That's your your Carol Burnett low pull. That's your earlobe pull. Rightly so. That's his Carol Burnett earlobe pull. Here's the thing. I was talking to a group of young people.

The fact that today there are really not stars. I mean, there are passing through. I said, when I was growing up, everybody did impressions. And immediately you knew who the people were. I'll give you $1,000 to do an impression of Puffy Combs. Go. You can't. Right.

There's nothing there. There is nobody around today who is a star that you could build an act. There's no impression acts anymore. There's nothing distinctive. Well, that you could build an act. There's no impression acts anymore. There's nothing distinctive. I'm sorry to bring this down. I can talk more about this shit statue. There was like Frank Gorshin,

Rich Little, George Guys made their whole careers doing impressions. Someone like Don Knotts. I grew up, I would watch Don Knotts. I totally took him for granted because he was just so great. But then you try to do that. You try and do what he was doing and you realize how far out on a limb he went.

Oh, boy. To do that character and how brilliant and how singular. And there's nobody like that at all. I'm saying it's a comment in a strange way. The fact that there are no really identifiable people who keep on being. There are impressionists in Vegas now. Doing?

Guys that get big money. I can't remember their names. There's two different guys. What do they do? Who do they do? Well, that's the question. Fred Travolina? No, there's a guy now. Well, there was Danny Gans for years, but he died. No, he died. He died. He did. died in Mysterious Secret. He did?

Yeah. I love that on the Mysterious Secret. Danny Gantz died in Central Park. He did pick up his ass. He did too. I used to love George. That could be your agent. I don't know why that was important to me, but it is. It's important to point out.

When you hear the stories and the passion with which you guys all love these things. Nobody does that to me. Are you going to get that way about girls? I mean, you know. Girls the show. Girls the people. You mean there's no personality? I'm just saying that there's no real identity

in everybody. You can't picture a Brian Gorshin coming out and go, so let's imagine here's Matthew Damon playing that. Imagine, if you will, Matthew Damon in a hospital.

Yes. And anything he does would just be Matthew Damon. Just be a guy. And now Kim Kardashian calling 911. Who might go

something like this? There's no show business heaven to these people. I used to love when George Kirby used to do imitations of only white people. No, I mean, but for these kids, there's no

show business heaven. Now, do we all remember when George Kirby was arrested and locked up with drugs? Sure. And then he came back and did a dramatic thing. King Heroin. King Heroin. King Heroin. King Heroin.

I am King Heroin. Who did Sidney Greenstreet. Worst electric company. Was he only in public service? Yeah, well, it was in his act. He only imitated white guys. Yeah. I am King Heroin.

But if you remember, Gil, he did it because he was an impressionist. He did it as Sidney Greenstreet. Yes. He's beautiful. Which really threw me. Because he said he did it in prison. I guess it was to keep people from banging their cheeks. He only imitated big fat white guys.

Well, it's like, did you see those movies that trip? Yeah, oh yeah. I mean, every line was an impression of somebody great. I mean, they never talked to each other as themselves. Speaking of impressions, Craig, not to put you on the spot, but I understand you do a Johnny Carson little something.

Hello. I do Johnny Carson? You do Johnny Carson in the third grade? What are you doing? What are you embarrassing me? We did come up with that. I understand you can perform thoracic surgery. Why don't you take time to open Drew's stomach?

What are you talking about? You probably don't know what I'm talking about. No. This is kind of like on Jay Leno when he goes, No, it was a joke between you and Azaria. It was a joke because I couldn't imitate anybody. Anybody I imitated sounded like Hank Azaria doing Johnny Carson.

So Johnny Carson, he did a great Johnny Carson. Yeah. And I used to say when Johnny Carson retired, I didn't mean to look at you when I said Johnny Carson retired. I looked right at Paul.

I know. And I feel like I just, you know. You had to go there. No, I didn't. Not at all. I was doing so well. I think you're holding up really well.

I was doing so well until now. Yeah, well, I mean, normally you wouldn't be available. You know what Paul said as we were coming down? Is everybody getting paid? You should take better care of your money, my friend. Paid in pizza. Well, we were just trying to imagine what is Johnny Carson going to do when he's up in Malibu and he's retired. And we just decided he's going to hang out with junior high school kids.

And it was just, hey, did you guys think the—and I don't do a good Johnny Carson. You do. That's good. But that wasn't it. I have a sign of something. No, he goes, hey, how did you guys do on that algebra trig? Was that not impossible? And the kids always run, shut up, Carson.

Sorry. He was unpopular. Sorry. I understand everybody's going to the malt shoppy. Is that true? Carson, fuck off. Sorry. Sorry.

There you go. Thank you, Paul. Save me. Play me out. I saw Hank Azaria and, excuse me, but this is important. Hank Azaria and Harry Shearer doing dueling. We'll decide if it's important. Doing dueling Johnny Carsons.

That was pretty good. We're going to take a vote. Was that important? No. Sorry, Drew. Go ahead. Paul, do you know the Johnny Carson song by Brian Wilson? No, I do not, sir.

I know that. It's actually a song called Johnny Carson. He was really nuts in the late 70s. It's on one of the albums. Yeah, I do know it. 15 big ones. It's on 15 big ones. Can't summon it right now.

15 big ones. Sorry. Tom, before we leave the topic of George Kirby. Is it Watermelon Man? Is it Watermelon Man? No, it's Godfrey Cambridge. That was 15 minutes ago. Didn't you used to wonder

when they had the big campaign about homelessness? Oh, yes. Well, we did it. Comedy, what was it? We did it. Oh, maybe it was just a bit. I don't remember if we actually shot it. Everything was about homelessness and feed the homeless.

Right. You thought perhaps George Kirby. Well, no, I actually, remember when Jerry on the telethon would have, one time he had Jack Pallance on and a black turtleneck sweater and

Jerry would go, now a serious moment. And he cut to Jack Pallance in this big black turtleneck sweater going, I'm muscular dystrophy. Oh, no. And I hate children. Yeah, so we did a thing where it was about homelessness was big.

It was big then. It was really big. Back when it was really great, you know. And I always thought somebody we should get Jack Palance to do, I'm homelessness and I hate homes. Yes, I hate homes. All right. That died.

Okay. That's the bit. Thanks for rocking me into that one. That's the bit. That's all right. No, I love the bit. I heard a story that one time Bob Hope was on The Tonight Show, and during a commercial break, Carson said, you know, I read about you, Bob, and I heard you were born in England. Your parents died when you were a child.

You program women as sex robots. Yes. And your older brothers got sick and died and you were living in a rat-infested abandoned building, and you watch your brother die in front of you, and you had nothing. You were three when this was going. And Bob Hope went, Yeah, that's wild, isn't it?

Ah! Nice meeting for a comedy guy to get, you know. We had to stop the show at some point because, you know, our guests are old and they have to pee and their memory starts going. So tune in next week for part two. Sign up for a free 30-day trial at Xero.com slash podcast. I'm going to spell it again. That's Xero. X-E-R-O. That's Xero.

X-E-R-O. .com slash podcasts. Xero is beautiful accounting software built to help small businesses be more productive and successful. Xero.com slash podcasts. Very good. a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger. Schleichinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there,

and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza. Our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com slash wait for it comedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore. Because it's here.

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