Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 6. Jeff Ross

Episode Date: July 5, 2014

Gilbert and Frank head to the Greenwich Village apartment of "Roastmaster General" Jeffrey Ross to talk about some of his favorite roasts and roast jokes (he also couldn't resist the urge to roast his two interviewers). Jeff also recalls his friendships with showbiz icons Buddy Hackett, Bea Arthur, Sid Caesar and Milton Berle, including the time he was treated to a sneak peek of Uncle Miltie's legendarily large appendage. Also, Gilbert chimes in on his infamous performance at the Hugh Hefner roast and the "Aristocrats" joke that spawned a hit movie. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. you know a lot of people know me from celebrity roasts and whenever I show up at a celebrity roast and I look at the dais and I see Jeff Ross is there, I know I can't slack off because Jeff Ross is a master roaster. He's been called the Roastmaster General. He's a comedian, comedy writer, and he knows about old school comedians. He was at the Friars Club and just would talk and socialize with all the old timers. He was friends with Milton Berle. And yes, we do touch upon the famous legend of Milton Berle. So stay tuned.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Ross. This is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. And I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. Hi, Gilbert. And usually we have, don't interrupt, sorry. Usually we like to have comedians on the show, but this time, luckily, we have a singer. Let's hear it for the dulcet tones of Jeff Ross. Hello, Frank. Hello, Gilbert and Jeffrey.

You are sorta beautiful to me. I keep my guitar around the house. It keeps me company. Yes. Thanks for coming down, fellas. What an honor to be on the, what is it, third episode of your shitty podcast?

Yeah, that's it. What a treat. It's been my dream for days now to be on this podcast. It's actually like the 11th episode. Don't get carried away with yourself. Yeah, this is a real treat. Thanks for coming over to my house with a sound guy and three sets of headphones. It's great. Hostage videos have a bigger budget than this.

It's great. Gilbert Gottfried has a podcast because looking at him is tough. So if we listen to him. It's great. Yeah, turn up the volume, folks. This is one you really You want to hear Gilbert at full volume today Gilbert, you could do a podcast

Just by talking out the window Yeah Everybody would hear you anyway This is pointless to try to tape it and record it Just stand on the roof of your building And the whole country can hear you. That's great. You got Frank here to add no personality.

Thank you. Why don't you tell us about Jerry Lewis? What's that? Why don't you tell us about your night out last night? Last night I had a... There was an Abbott's dinner at the Friars Club for Jerry Lewis. It's the anniversary of The Nutty Professor

So he had a little party Which was really fun I mean that's the thing about the Friars Club And Gilbert knows this Is you get to meet your legends People you grew up admiring Like Shecky Green for instance Oh yes

Well I got to see his ass as he was running out on my act. Unbelievable. I have my own thoughts about that, but we can talk about that later. Oh, that's good. I'd like a guest who's ready to talk off the air. No, I'm saying

you want to talk about Jerry Lewis first, then we can talk about Jackie Green. Oh, okay. Let's talk about Jerry first, because I think he's a little bigger than Jackie Green. Probably. Yeah. It was super fun. Jerry looks great. He was so funny.

He made a great speech. And I said, Jerry Lewis is the recipient of such an honor knowing you, Jerry. A lot of people don't know he's the recipient of the French Legion of Honor medal, which is the equivalent here in America of, say, winning a Latin Grammy. Jerry Lewis is big in France. Then again, the French don't even know when they stink. It was super fun. Larry King was there, the former hunchback of CNN. It was a great time.

I said, Larry King is the comedy, what Martin Luther King was the comedy. I love it. It was fun. Brought up some classics. Now, you knew Milton Berle. That's right. Yes. There's a picture of him in this house right over there of my very firstle. That's right. Yes. There's a picture of him in this house right over there of my very first roast.

We saw him when we came in. Yeah. It's great. Milton's last roast as Roastmaster was the first one that I was ever invited to be a part of. Did you know that? No. Yeah. Was that the Steven Seagal roast?

It was in 1995, I think it actually was. A roast of Steven Seagal. It was right after a year where they couldn't get anybody. They roasted Whoopi Goldberg the year before. And there was all this controversy with Ted Danson. Oh, that blackface. Which, you know, at the roast, anything goes. So the next year, you know, maybe it wasn't as hip to do the roast.

And I got the call as an unknown comedian from Greenwich Village. They'd seen me at a golf tournament making fun of Freddie, Freddie Roman. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so they said, oh, he's kind of roasty. He could probably do it. Back then, you couldn't YouTube what the roasts were. The roasts were only these private events, so I had to go to the Museum of Broadcasting and I looked up the roasts, Dean Martin and all that stuff,

and I kind of got a feel for how you make fun of not just the honoree, but the other people. I didn't care about Steven Seagal. So then I saw, oh, I can make fun of Milton Berle and Henny Youngman and Buddy Hackett. And I go, oh, all right, well, it's more about camaraderie. I get that. And, you know, the best joke wins kind of a thing.

You have to have smart jokes. It's a good audience. So I worked weeks on it, and I had my one nice suit that I bought for the Letterman show. And I went up to the New York Hilton, probably 1,500 people. And it was like my arena. I loved it right away just to see all those people packed into a ballroom at noon, which for a comedian is the middle of the night. I only slept a few hours, but my eyes were wide open. I couldn't.

And you had socialites and politicians and movie directors. And suddenly I wasn't just doing comedy downtown for a bunch of drunks and stoners. It was like oh, this is like sober comedy. This is smart witty, you know roasting. It was totally different and Milton Berle was

hosting and it was just crazy to just see him live in person saying dirty words because you never saw that in clips or anything. Wasn't he poking you in the ribs through the hole? He finally brought me on. And towards the end, it wasn't a particularly great roast. Steven Seagal was not necessarily a good sport.

He was wearing his ridiculous karate suit. You'd think Steven Seagal would be the funniest guy there. His movie... What was it called? Oh, yeah, one of his crazy... Hard to Kill? No, not even that good. Under Siege?

Under Siege 2. I'm sorry, I didn't know that. Oh, 2! I just come out. Not as good as 1. I think it was actually better than 1, was what people say. None of them were as good as one. I think it was actually better than one was what people say. None of them were as good as three

and four, though. Movies always get better the more you make. They get better at it. You know, Under Siege, he would just get fatter every one. But I never really saw his movies. You know, he wasn't the draw for me. The draw for me was being able to write special material, practice my joke writing, and then have these great comics around.

It would have been a cool story. So I did it for the adventure. And I went up there, and Milton Berle gave me a terrible introduction. I didn't know him. He didn't know me, obviously. He said, our next comedian is just back from Las Vegas where he emceed a convention for lesbians with dildo rash. Jeff Ross. He just plugged me into one of his joke file jokes.

And it was just off and running. I looked out and I said, a lot of you don't know me. I looked out at this huge crowd. A lot of you don't know me, but I feel, I looked at Steven Seagal. He was right to my left. I feel uniquely, but I feel uniquely qualified to be here today because I'm also a shitty actor.

So it was self-deprecating, but also a great joke on Steven Seagal. And I had a few good ones. And every time I got a big laugh Milton had these giant fingers with pointy fingernails. Every time I got a big laugh, he was sitting right next to me

on the other side. He would poke me right in the ribs and I would flinch. Every time I got an applause break or a big laugh, he poked me really hard. And the only person who had ever done that in my life was when I was at my bar mitzvah. My cantor did it to relax me.

While I was doing my haftorah, I remember him poking me a little bit. And I never understood it. And because that had happened one other time in my life i kind of let it go for a while so i just figured it's something milton's doing to make me not nervous i don't think i even i didn't have the time to think about why he was doing it i had 1500 people watching me do my first roast i was so what's it that milton couldn't stand the idea of someone else getting a laugh? I only figured that out later. Yeah. But in the moment, I was just sort of exasperated.

And after a few pokes, I looked at him and I was like, what are you doing? I stopped. I stopped. And he used that as an opportunity to leap up and start heckling me. So in other words, he was just not going to let me go on a roll without him being involved. So I said, oh, you never know what you're going to see walking around New York. I was just riffing. I said, I was walking around downtown yesterday.

I saw Milton in an antique shop. $1,200. Which is really just an old Angela Lansbury joke i did on letterman a couple of weeks earlier and um uh it worked like he came back at me and then you know i was holding my own for a couple of rounds with milton and finally way down at the far end of the dais buddy hackett who didn't even have a, but he had that booming voice that everyone knew, he just said, Milton, let the kid work. Remember when you used to? That's great.

And Milton took off down the end of the dais and just planted one on Buddy Hackett's lips. Wow. And I said, oh, Buddy Hackett and Milton, bro, between the two of them, they have over 100 years of homosexual experience. Made no sense, but it was just off Milton's kiss. And that was it. Milton gave me a nice round of applause, and I sat back down, and we all went back to the club. And I was having a drink with Buddy Hackett.

And it was just like, here I was with these, the Mount Rosemore of comedy. Here they were. And I said to Buddy, why do you with these, the Mount Rosemore of comedy. Here they were. And I said to Buddy, why do you think Milton would have done that to me? What was going on there? He said, oh, he just can't take it when comedians are getting big laughs, so he wants to be disruptive. Wow. Trial by fire. So, and then I went to Milton, and Milton didn't drink, but he was at a different part of the Friars Club after party, the after party.

And I said, you know, Mr. Burrell, that was so exciting. That was my first roast. Is there any advice you could give me? You know, not addressing what he did directly, just to see. I don't know why. And he said, you know, what I remember from him saying was basically, they only remember the home runs. In other words, you don't need to be on for 10 minutes.

You can be on with just the big, big swings. So maybe I was going on too long or maybe I'd have a huge joke and then a little joke. And I didn't know what was going to work. It wasn't like I could go to the comedy cellar and try out roast jokes. I might as well be talking Latin. They didn't know what a roast was. It was a lost art, like jousting or journalism or something. So I took a lot from that.

And I do still think about that. In other words, I only remember the home runs. I try to keep my sets tight and big swings only. Fun, fun day. I have pictures of it in my house. Milton was around after that and we became friends, but he

didn't host another roast after that. Now, of course, if you discuss Milton Berle, you have to get to one subject. Of course. His penis. Yes Berle, you have to get to one subject. Of course. His penis. Yes. What do you want to know? So, have you seen it?

I have it in a box in my living room. It's next to a Henny Youngman's violin. I did get a glimpse of it once. I don't know if I've ever told this story before. Milton Berle's penis, ladies and gentlemen. We were at the Friars Club in Beverly Hills. And he was very frail at the time. He might even have been in his wheelchair.

And why is that funny? I'm just, I'm thinking wheelchair and penis. There's something very... That reminds me of another joke. Okay. I was at a birthday party for Sid Caesar. Okay.

Did you see his penis? Not yet. No. May him and his penis rest in peace. But Milton was there and I was doing Sid Caesar's birthday party. I was the young comedian that they had on the show, and otherwise it was all Sid's pals.

But Sid liked me, and he asked me to do this thing, which I believe is even out there somewhere. You could buy it in one of the Sid Caesar's DVD collector sets of my birthday show for Sid Caesar. I was at that show. Oh, you were? I was there. Well, there you go.

It was a great night. Thank you.? I was there. Well, there you go. It was a great night. Thank you. Stan Lee was there, and you were on. And Milton Berle, I introduced him. I said, oh, it's such a treat to be here for Sid, and I see the great Milton Berle is here, and he brought a wheelchair for his cock. And Milton leaped right out of his wheelchair and started coming back at me as he off the wood.

He was a great guy, Milton. He called me once. I forgot exactly why. It was some friar's roast business. But he called me once in a hotel. I was in Montreal for a gig. And the phone in the hotel rings back a long time ago now, and it's Milton Berle.

And of course I'm like, hello, Alon. I thought it was Elon Goldberg, an impression of Milton Berle. There was no way Milton Berle had tracked me down at a hotel in Montreal, but he did. And we became lunch buddies. We would often sit at the Friars Club in Beverly Hills, and he got me smoking cigars. He put one in my nostril.

No, in his nostril. He had that big, big nostrils. And he said, you don't smoke? No, I don't smoke. And he stuck one in his nostril deep, and he inhaled. He said, if it smells like horse shit, it's a real Cubano. And then he took that out of his nostril and popped it right in my mouth.

He said that Fidel Castro sent him a box of Cuban cigars every Christmas, which I have no reason to believe is not true, since he played Havana in the old days. Wow. Now, but you did see his penis. And on one of those lunch days. Because you got sidetracked. I did.

I was eating lunch with him, and he asked for help getting up out of his chair and over to the men's room. He's very, very old and very frail at this point in his life. And he went into the men's room and he was, you know, urinating at the urinal, you know, with one shoulder kind of leaning up against the partition because he was weak. And then I just said, you know what, fuck it. I'm going to go pee next door. You know, maybe Gilbert Godfrey will have

a podcast someday. The last man to fight for Steve Miltenborough's penis. Very precious interview. So I did. I tried to look straight ahead at how my eyes go to the side, and you know what? It was gigantic.

It was fucking gigantic. Milton Berle had a huge cock. It's nice to meet your heroes, isn't it, Jeff? Not be disappointed. Well, there was two heroes at once, Milton and his cock. It was like long and wide. You know, he was peeing. This is more detailed than I anticipated know, he was peeing. This is more detail than I anticipated.

But he was peeing. Tell me about the veins and everything. But I saw a lot of girth. You know, I saw. And that's what I remember. I never saw the whole thing because his hand was covering a big portion of it. I should say a small portion of it. And he knew I saw it.

There's no question that he wasn't giving me the opening. I mean, at some point, I think that he, you know, passing the torch, if you will, he wanted one more witness from the younger generation to know that these weren't just jokes made up out of thin air. The legendary jokes about Milton Berle's penis were indeed based in reality. I said that I was roasting one of the Yankees once, Joe

Torrey, in New York, and Milton was there and for some reason, you know, Milton I wanted to work him into my baseball jokes. They said, Milton Berle's cock is so big it has a warning track. Somewhere there's a tape you can hear Milton and Billy Crystal laughing. The old days. This is fun.

So you've confirmed that Milton Berle has a giant cock, had a giant cock. Right. May it rest in peace. May it roast in peace. Now, who, okay, and you knew Buddy Hackett. Of course. Well, of course, Alan King.

Alan King here in New York and Buddy Hackett out in L.A. And Buddy became sort of a mentor, didn't he? Buddy was a good buddy. Very, very good pal of mine. Yeah. I met him at the Friars Club as well. I was in the elevator going to, this is before this roast even. Yeah.

Before I ever saw him, you know, I saw him perform when I was a beginner comedian. But the first time I actually met him was in the elevator at the Friars Club. I was going up to play poker with Greg Fitzsimmons and Elon Gold. And that was a big deal to get invited to the Friars to play poker because we'd always play poker in our crappy studio apartments, you know. And suddenly we were able to go eat with a waiter taking care of us and fancy clay chips. And you're at the Friars Club. You never know who you're going to see. So I'm taking the elevator up to the card room, the George Burns card room, poker room, whatever it's called.

And we stop on the second floor. And Buddy sort of waddles on with that walk of his. And, oh, man, I'm like, wow. There's Buddy. So I got to say something. Mr. Hackett, I just want to say you were my parents' favorite comedian and I, you know,

I'm a comedian also and it's just such an honor to meet you. And he shook my hand, he looked me right in the eyes, he said, you know who hates farts the most? Midgets. They live at ass height. The elevator opened up and he walked off and he didn't say anything else. That's brilliant.

I didn't see him again until that Steven Seagal roast. Now, you also knew, as I also hung out with him like a handful of times, Henny Youngman. You know, I didn't know Henny as well. Did you know him well? I remember, I ran into him a handful of times and had lunch with him once. When I was a little kid, my Aunt Bess took me to the Carnegie Deli before a matinee.

She would take me to Broadway shows. She was, she had, you she was she had you know basically you know a widow and she had a little more money than everyone else in the family so if i wanted to see something or you know so she would take me to matinees whatever and i was probably 12 11 we walk into the carnegie deli and henny youngman's at a front table there and i kind of knew who he was you know you knew the name he looked familiar i kind of got it yeah but i remembered my aunt said oh henny and she you know he kind of recognized her the way we do with you know and and i right away she said how how's whatever Henny's sister's name was.

It was an old, like, how's Biddy or something like that. Or how's Janet, you know. And Henny, oh, yeah, yeah, oh, she's fine. And they talked about, you know, old friends for a second. And Henny gave me a card, which I still have, that has a music note on it. And I remember seeing it. And I went to that deli a couple of times last week after my shows at

caroline's and i thought about that moment because now here i am the comedian sitting there and it's just so fascinating because henny worked and worked and worked he always seemed to either need or want a gig and i remember right up until he was in a wheelchair him showing up at stuff that i would be doing around town uh we would do a sketch on the usa network or a tribute to somebody at the friars club and henny would be there still working still loving it still in the gig you know they would have to feed him the lines one by one he very old. I think he probably lived to his 90s, right? And I just was inspired by the fact that there was still a place that you could walk into, the Friars Club, where Henny Youngman got treated like royalty, even when most of the

rest of the world had forgotten about him. He still could walk in and sit at a table at the Friars with the Leroy Neiman portrait of him right at his side and make him feel good. You know, that's, to me, one of the great things about the Friars Club is that it's like, you know, everyone still knows your name. I remember hearing a story about Henny Youngman that he was working somewhere in a hotel

and he was going down the elevator uh after his or between he was doing two shows that night and in between he was going to go back to his room and this guy comes in he goes uh i'm getting married can you uh tell some jokes at my wedding and he said all right like a hundred dollars and they passed around the hat. Really? He got off the elevator in between floors, got off the elevator, went to the wedding, performed, and then went back for the second show.

Wow. For $100? Yeah. You think he just loved the... He didn't need the $100, did he? I don't know, but he made $100 just for five minutes. Where did he eat lunch with him? Oh, I remember we had the same agent at the time.

William Morrissey. Yeah. He'd always do jokes about that, right? Oh, yes. And he comes up to me. He's walking down the street with his violin case. And I put my hand out to shake hands, and he hands me the violin case. And we go into the restaurant, and he says to the maitre d', he says, give us a table near a waiter.

And then when we're walking to the table, a pretty girl walks by and he goes, you look tired. Why don't you go up to my room and lay down? And then we order and then he says, waiter, call the police. And he goes, why? He goes, because our food's being held up in the kitchen. And then he said, are you married and i said no and he said what do you do for aggravation one time i was walking that's great one time i was walking on 55th street i had just become a member of the Friars Club, and he was still sort of, you know,

it was very, probably the mid-90s, so he was still walking in, and I was probably 10 feet behind him. You know, he didn't really know me at that point, but I see Henny Youngman walking in ahead of me, so you know, I'm watching him.

And as we're crossing the street, a pigeon lands right by his feet. And he goes, anybody call? Any messages? He said, any messages? He did it for himself. That was what was so great about it. He didn't know I was behind him.

Nobody was with him. He did it for himself. Which, you know, at a certain point, it's a reflex, right? Any messages? Jeff looked at him and said no. And I was up at his apartment where he had a collection. It was a tiny apartment, but he had one room that was a collection of just gag items. What do you mean?

that was a collection of just gag items. What do you mean? Well, like he had a card that had like two dishwashing liquids, and it says, here's a picture of my pride and joy. So that's what he would give people who asked for... And he had another card that was made out of that kind of paper, like the Federal Express type envelope paper that you can't rip. And it was a card that would say that you'd hand to a girl at a bar and it would say, if you want to have sex with me. Oh, he goes, if you don't want to have sex with me, rip this card up.

Unreal. Let me ask rip this card off. Unreal. Let me ask you about the time. I love, sorry, Frank. Sure. I love that it was, you know, unapologetic schtick. Yes. I'm the comedian. I'm not trying to be cool.

I am doing the most over the top, right to the stomach joke. You know, I miss that kind of comedy. Don't they still have his fiddle still hanging in the Friars Club, isn't it? I think it is. Up in that George Burns room. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast, but first, a word from our sponsor. my friends and family said I sounded like myself again for the first time in weeks. You deserve to invest in your well-being. Visit BetterHelp.com to see what it can do for you.

That's BetterHelp.com. How did you and Gilbert first meet? I think our listeners want to know that. Why do you think, Frank, why do you think Henny had such a small, why didn't he have a nice place and help? Why did he live like that into his old age? It's interesting. Well, he was married, wasn't he?

I don't know. He had a family. That's what I mean. I don't know enough about him. And I think because he lived directly across the street from William Morris, he once hung out a sign outside his window that said, Hire thy neighbor. once hung out a sign outside his window that said,

hire thy neighbor. And working at a wedding for $100, living in a small apartment. You got to admire the work ethic. You wonder what happened to his, or I guess he never had a big break, but if we're still talking about him all these years later, he must have made some money.

You got to wonder. Well, he never had that series. He never had that sort of that mega break. But, I mean, he was always working. Right. And he didn't retire. No. How did you guys meet?

I think our listeners would be curious to know. What listeners? Exactly. And we can move on to the next question. The wife and girlfriend? Don't tell me I'm not setting you up. You guys meet at Catch years ago? I don't know. I don't remember meeting Gilbert.

Gilbert was just somebody who I suddenly knew. Yes. Do you remember? I don't know. Did we know each other before CSI? Did we ever talk? We must have, but that's a good point. I bet that was our real bonding.

Yeah. Yeah, because I don't remember any specific times where I got to talk to you until then. You were both on a CSI episode? Yeah, me, Jeff, and Bobcat Goldthwait. And it was CSI, like the Vegas original one. Wow. I, like the Vegas original one. Wow.

And I was playing a comedian, a TV star comedian who was going back to his home club in Vegas. You were kind of like a Seinfeld. I don't think so. I think it was more of a rock star comedian. A leather jacket and chains. A Dane Cook. Something like that. Yeah. And a little bit of Dyson there.

Oh, yeah. Very machoo tough guy actor and I wasn't do it and I had a catchphrase I forgot what it was was very annoying oh my god because I remember we discussed this

like these writers who don't understand how a joke is constructed or how a catchphrase. And it was something like, it's a terrible life. Don't you just love it? Oh, yeah, you're right. It was something like that.

It was awful. It didn't flow at all. Right. So, you know, I didn't really have any funny shtick. And I mentioned Dane and Dyson, only in that it was a supposed to be like a very sort of uh uh charismatic over-the-top uh personality um but as far as the comedy of it it's so funny when drama writers try to write for a oh my god i want to play a comedy they it would have been better to just get one of those guys probably to to do something funny but anyway one of the characters uh put uh the whole thing was that i die on stage yes everyone hates me i

have this annoying catchphrase i'm really mean to the audience and then i every time i take a sip of my drink um i'm killing myself so by the or fourth sip, I die right there on stage in front of the audience. And at first, they think I'm kidding. And then, of course, I do one last little shake and I'm dead. And then the whole episode is, in other words, I die in the opening credits. Then they have to figure out if it was Gilbert or Bobcat that poisoned me. I can't believe I haven't seen this. Required viewing.

That's real Sir Conan Doyle material right there. Yeah. It was a choice for you. You had to decide because both of us hated you for stealing our jokes, I think. And then I spent the rest

of the week as a dead body on a sled. And they would see all the other things that I did. Like, I got a blowjob from one of the waitresses. They put coke on my dick and she had to pretend to be blowing me in the back alley.

They flashed back the entire lead up to my murder when they finally determined that Bobcat's character, coke on my dick and she had to pretend to be blowing me in the back out like they they flash back the entire lead up to my murder when they finally determined that bobcat's character my opening act poisoned me that first i thought it was the waitress then i thought it was the bartender i think gilbert what were you playing i i was another comedian right but another one like basically a red herring there you know it's like said, oh, he's doing my bit at one point. So it's a show. They got a red herring who actually eats herring. Yeah.

Now, and I think when the waitress is blowing you, it's you stop her before you actually come. That's part of your character. You really remember this episode well. Yes. Because that's part of your character. Yeah, I wanted to. Wow. Yes. Because that's part of your character. Yeah, I wanted to go out and all revved up.

Yes. Right, right, right. So he's, yeah. Wow. It's like Robert Plant. You really remember this. I don't think I ever actually saw the whole episode, so.

It was fine writing. Yeah. And, and. It was a popular episode because people bring it up all the time. Somewhere there's a Polaroid I have of me. And you know what? It was so real, dying and then

seeing myself as a dead body and all that and laying there that I did have nightmares for a week or two after that about dying and stuff like that on stage. It was very method acting. And this, of course, leads us to the obvious jokes.

Which is? Well, you've died on stage many times. It was cool, but I do remember getting to talk to Gilbert out by the trailers. We had long days. What year is this approximately? Early 2000s? No, I can tell you when it was, because the Jimmy Kimmel live show had just launched on ABC

because I was doing both at the same time that week. I was co-hosting with Jimmy and doing CSI from 7 in the morning to like 6. Then Jimmy's show was live back then so I was able to get there for the night live thing

and I remember they got a kick Jimmy's show was live back then, so I was able to get there for the night live thing. And I remember they got a kick out of the fact that I wouldn't come to rehearsal, so they would just mess with me and do stuff that night that I wasn't prepared for. And I only had a half hour to eat and take a shower and get my makeup on, and they'd always have a steak or whatever I ordered, and just as I was about to take a bite, Jimmy's cousin sal would walk in and knock it on the floor

i'd have to go on live hungry and and pissed off and they thought that was so funny and didn't you didn't they film you falling to the ground dead like 50 times in a row yeah they have on csi i do remember that it was a there was a b story in the episode that had children so there were kids out on location we were way out in the valley somewhere it was very very hot and um you know it was too hot to stay in your trailer so gilbert and i would stand outside in the shade and chit-chat. And do you remember this? Yes. Like two trailers away would be these little kids and their parents or their, you know, whoever their teacher was on set, their child actors. And Gilbert would say really terrible, sexual, racist shit just loud enough for them to hear him but not quite know what he said

yeah yeah i was so you just see the parents kind of look over and then go back and you know they would just see us either laughing or trying to cover it up i yeah i it's surprising to think of me saying something disgusting. But, yeah, I was constantly saying something really disgusting and perverted and bigoted. Oh, my God. But it was completely random and had nothing to do with anything. Yeah, I would go out of my way when I see a little kid go by. I don't even think I'm going to remember.

I remember the things you said, but I'm not even going to expose you because it's so out of context. There'd be some little two-year-old girl walking past and forget it. I bet she likes... Let's just say NC. I bet she would love some NC. You guys can spend an hour now trying to figure out what that stands for. And if any of you can call with the correct answer,

if you're among our first caller to tell us what NC stands for. That's how we kill time, and that's when I realized that Gilbert really had nothing to lose in life. He was completely fine with getting fired from the CSI. I was like, there's a guy who knows who he is and where he's going. Where is he going? I admired Gilbert in that he not only, what do you call it, pushed the envelope, but he rubbed his dick all over it.

What do you call it? A push the envelope, but he rubbed his dick all over it. Yeah, I know. I've lost so many jobs since then. That's why. But every time you get in a fight or an argument or you lose a job, it winds up being a part of your street cred. Yeah. You have so much street cred, you'll be living on the streets.

Great. Now, you were over it. If we could stop talking about NC. Do you have commercials on this? No, and none forthcoming after that story. No. You told me you were at Sid Caesar's birthday party. And who else showed up that last one who you told me?

I remember. Oh, this last one. Yes, at his house. Oh, just recently. I mean, last year. Oh. Well, he would have his pals back over from your show of shows. You have Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner and Rudy DeLuca.

And Dick Van Dyke would be a regular. And Sid would have these little dinner parties where he got to. He didn't get out much in the end. He was very frail. Sid Caesar, the great legendary sketch comedian. He was a great guy. Sid had the best laugh. Somewhere I have a picture of him just laughing that I would look at.

He was such a funny guy. And those writers for your show of shows, they all still cared about him and loved him. He discovered them. He nurtured them. Mel Brooks, Neil Simon, Woody Allen, Larry Gelbart, they all say was the smartest, funniest one out of all of them. So I have fond memories of hanging out with Sid and those guys.

And just for the Jewish holidays, we all got together at Sid's house just to reminisce one more time, even without Sid, which was really beautiful. Mel Brooks helped organize that. He really, really admired Sid. And, you know, Sid was in a wheelchair. Mel Brooks helped organize that. He really, really admired Sid. Sid was in a wheelchair. His mind was not as sharp, and he couldn't hear so well. But when Mel Brooks walked in with Carl, they would always drive in together. Mel would walk right out in front of the wheelchair and get right in Sid's face and he'd say,

Sid, it's Mel Brooks and Carl Reiter! Like they were on a stage, you know? And Sid would light up and laugh and, you know, Sid would look at him and go, what are we going on? And he'd just joke right back and we got him singing and stuff And you know One of the fun things is These shows they come and go You have a gig here and there

But the friends you make along the way The relationships you get to have That's what really sustains us And one of the reasons that I love Being a comedian Talk a little bit about The Bea Arthur incident. Jeff, hardcore comedy fans will know that you and Bea

developed a relationship and it came off of an incident at one of the Comedy Central roasts. Bea Arthur was one of those people who I grew up saying she really is one of the funniest people. I would see her do stuff and see my family crack up at the Golden Girls. And when she was on All in the Family, I was a little, little boy. Oh, sure. But I didn't ever think I'd be in the same room with her in a million years.

You know, this is like couldn't possibly happen. So there we are. Suddenly now I find myself producing these Comedy Central roasts for the Friars Club. I'm like a guy who would help put together the deus, the comedians. I'd help people write their material. And Jerry Stiller agreed to be roasted. It was a big honor to him to have a fryer's roast his whole life. He said that's something he really wanted.

And his son, Ben Stiller, came and Janine Garofalo and Jason Alexander, who was at the height of his fame on Seinfeld with Jerry Stiller at the time. John Seinfeld with Jerry Stiller at the time, and Kevin James, and let's see, a bunch of other funny, funny people did that one. Well, Seinfeld wasn't there, and you had a memorable line about why he wasn't there. I said, Jerry Seinfeld wanted to be here today, but he's fucking a model on a pile of cash. But I didn't, you know, sort of a surprise to me. There's Bea Arthur. I didn't, I probably knew she was going to be there, but it didn't really register

of like, wow, I'm up here with her, and I felt a little guilty not mentioning her. I loved her. I mean, she was somebody who, you know, according to the people who wrote for the Golden Girls and so on, and that she was, and Maude, that she could, if you wrote a B joke in the script,

she could turn it into an A joke, a home run, if you will, just by a look or adding a little, you know, eyebrow to it. And suddenly you had a great big blow a great act break or whatever she would just save the day all the time with uh for the writers uh not to say that they didn't have good writers on those shows but she really could uh make the writers look good and i was like wow you know i just can't imagine not calling her out or mentioning her. And I didn't really think to say anything sincere. That wasn't my style back then.

I just was swinging for home runs, as Milton advised. And here I was just a few years after my first roast. And now we're on TV, you know. So now there's cameras. You could have a close-up. You know, you could make fun of somebody and get right in their face and um i write down in the margin i have my script of all the jokes i've been working on and i write down in the margin um be arthur's dick i don't know what i'm going to say yet or

where or when, but I'm late in the show and I'm just watching this all go down and I'm just thinking somewhere in here they got to mention Bea Arthur's dick. She's the new Milton Berle. And She's the new Milton Berle. And Sandra Bernhard, who I actually love seeing at these roasts

because she always tries something different, and this time she tried singing to Jerry Stiller. She was doing a cabaret show at the time, and she had a little band put together, and she always tries something different and I love that about her. And she went out and sang I forgot, but she put Jerry's name into

a song. It was like Magic Man or something. I can't remember. Oh, it was a heart song. It was. Yeah, I think it was. Yeah. And didn't necessarily go over as big as she had hoped. And Jerry Stiller, she kind of did a, she like writhed on him. She gave him a little lap dance while she sang it,

which if you know Jerry, he doesn't like cursing, let alone he would wince. He'd get very embarrassed, especially with his wife and his son, Ben Stiller, and Ann Mira sitting not far away. And I think it was a little awkward. Suddenly, I get introduced. So I don't even get one joke out.

I just go, Sandra Bernhard, holy shit, I wouldn't fuck you with Bea Arthur's dick. And boom. I might as well have just gotten off on that joke. The joke's okay. But they cut to her looking at me as if it was a scene in a sitcom. And she didn't have a response. She just stared at me and let the laugh go and go and go and go.

And then she did the finger. She looked at me like, I'm going to get you. And she just made my B joke into an A moment. And it made me realize how important it is to connect, not just read a bunch of jokes off a piece of paper, but find moments that are real moments and look at the other person and try to make it personal. Don't say joke about someone, say it to them.

And that's one of the tricks. I didn't really see her afterwards i didn't think too much about it because i did the rest of my roast and i had other responsibilities that day and then as the weeks and days days and weeks went on i was hearing about this joke everywhere i went people would stop me on the street and yell be arthur's dick people would send me pictures of B. Arthur and constantly quote that joke. And I realized that the joke was more famous than I was because they wouldn't even know my name, but they knew that I told that joke.

And I go, gosh, wow, if I'm hearing about it, I wonder what she's hearing, you know? She must be, someone must be saying something about it to her. hearing you know she must be someone must be saying something about it to her um and i remember it got written up in time out new york as one of the great tv moments of the year and suddenly i thought this is like i'm making a career off this ridiculous improv and quite a bit of time went by, and it became so out of control that I thought I needed to talk to her about it. I wanted it to be a good memory for her and not weird. And I hadn't done it.

I wasn't the roast master, general, whatever, back then. I was just a comedian doing the roast, and I wanted Bea Arthur to be my friend if I ever saw her again. I don't know. I don't know why I did it. I guess I just felt like I needed some sort of closure with her. And I saw that she was doing a one-woman show in LA at some theater. It was a benefit for, I believe, an animal charity of some kind. So I bought one ticket. I went, I bought flowers. I went to see this show and it was great. And she sang and told funny stories and she did the whole thing barefoot at a, you know, a theater, a very beautiful theater in LA. And there was a long line of well-wishers afterwards. I somehow got my way backstage and I waited to the end.

I got out at the very end of the line because I wanted to be able to talk to her and not just rush through for a picture or a handshake. And I handed her the flowers, and she said, thank you. I said, B, maybe I even said Miss Arthur. I don't know if you remember me, but we met at Jerry Stiller's and she goes, you nailed me, you prick. That's great.

And, you know, we took some pictures and she gave me a nice hug and she wound up coming back to the roast. She did the Pamerson roast after that and so it was good that i went i think and um it's a fond memory she's still one of my all-time favorite funny people i remember meeting b arthur just once and it was like it wasn't even like you know trying to be funny uh it was at some event and't even like, you know, trying to be funny. It was at some event and I was backstage and I run into Bea Arthur and she goes, you know,

Hi, Gilbert, how are you? And I said, don't find me. And she goes, so you're still living in the same place? And I go, yeah. And you? And she goes, yeah. And then we're talking, making small talk uncomfortably. And then there's a pause and Bea Arthur goes, do I really know you or do we just know each other from TV?

And I said, I think we know each other from TV. And she turns around and walks away. Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. You think she was trying to be funny? I don't know. I figure it was one of those,

it really was one of those moments we both saw each other on TV and we assumed we knew each other, but we really didn't. So she knew there was nothing to talk about. And we will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Now, let's talk about this was one of my finest moments. And you were the producer and the emcee and everything.

That was at the U Hefner roast. Oh, in 2001. Yeah. I was not the emcee, but I was one of the comedians. And I did produce that show. It was just, what, two weeks or two and a half weeks after 9-11. There was still, like, black smoke in the air all over New York. They elected a new pope? That's white smoke, Jeff.

Oh, well, it's white smoke, Jeff. Oh, that's white smoke. We were going to do the Hugh Hefner roast in New York, and there hadn't been a... He had been the biggest roasty we had done. This was Hugh Hefner at the height of his ridiculousness with seven blonde girlfriends. And it was going to be a great roast. I mean, we had so many funny people lined up. And suddenly, you know, plans change.

It was 9-11. And everything obviously shut down in New York you didn't know what it was scary and we all know what that's about and were you in New York at the time? oh yeah I was in LA actually and you know there's a couple days there

where you don't know what's going on and you know as a comedian you're like well, I'm going to have some time off. This is not going to be – there's no late night shows. There's no Sunday Live. There's no comedy clubs. The world has changed even. Yeah, I remember all of New York was walking around like zombies. Right.

And I remember I was riding down an elevator in my building and there was a guy standing there and neither one of us said anything. We just kind of like looked at each other and sort of slightly shrugged our shoulders. There was like nothing to be said. Such a...

Everybody was speechless and you know, all the news was that it was all bad and there was, you know, all the news was that it was all bad. And it was, you know, missing people. So it was an emergency lockdown. That's something for people not in New York. There was all over the city on fences photos of people. Like they were still looking for them, hoping they would show up,

hoping they had amnesia from the event and would pop up somewhere. You know, and I remember Dave Chappelle was in my apartment. I had Dave Chappelle and Adam Farrar, the two comedians who were living further downtown, and they came to my apartment at 300 Mercer Street, and we spent the night just sort of up on the roof, and we walked around, and it was kind of like

you want to give blood, but there were no survivors, so the hospital sent us away, and you just sort of, you know, you twiddle your thumbs, and you go, I'm in the middle of a war zone, and I can't do anything to help myself or help anybody else. And I remember with the photos on the fences, all I could think is like, oh, my God, don't these people know these people aren't going to just pop up? Right.

So what do you do? You know, you're in my apartment and I go, even my manager at the time, Bernie Brillstein, was scared. Yeah. When old people are scared, you go, this is some serious shit. What the hell is happening here? And, you know, you start to figure out, all right, it was a terrorist attack, and it seems to be over. And now it's New York. It smells.

It's smoldering and you know everybody's walking around including me with your mouth and nose covered by your shirt because you're essentially inhaling the world trade center and everything that was inside you're you're inhaling uh ashes of dead people right so i had you start to get stir crazy and by that weekend I went down the street from my apartment to the comedy cellar and the only people there were the stragglers, tourists essentially

from other countries who couldn't get out of New York right, because all the airports were shut down and they were either crashing on couches or in hotels and they wandered into the Comedy Cellar for some air conditioning and maybe an hour of thinking about something else. And I remember doing a couple of jokes.

I can't remember what they were. But I said, no, that kind of felt good, actually. You know, it's not for the general public, just for the few people that want to hear them. Here they come down to the Comedy Cellar, and then I go home that night, and I'm like, fuck, man, it's a cliche now. But back then, you say, well, you know, the show must go on, or the terrorists win. The terrorists win. That's all you ever heard of. You don't go on, you know.

And at this point, they were winning. We were fucked. This was like, this was 3,000 dead people in the Pentagon. And this was like, you know, all is lost. And I go, well, you know, now it's a few days later. And I go, what are we going to do with this roast? We have all these trucks and camera trucks and crew unrented. You know, we have the Hilton rented it's all um paid for and we have to decide basically uh by monday afterwards what we're gonna if we're gonna if we're gonna cancel it or we have to commit to these expenses you know and with Comedy Central, there's always this lavish party afterwards, and it's a black tie affair, and, you know, it would be inappropriate.

But I thought, well, what if we cancel the party, but do the show? But do the show. What if we give all the proceeds to the party to the Twin Tower Fund and make this almost a benefit? In fact, you know, the first benefit post 9-11 would be October 2nd. So I wrote a letter out to the Friars Club and to Comedy Central and to Hugh Hefner. And I sent it to all of them on that weekend and the response started coming in. And the hardest part would be how to get Hugh Hefner and his

blonde pussy posse out to New York because none of other people that were coming just to be there is you and ice tea and uh you know uh stephen colbert was there stephen carell was there and um i think triumph when those um smigel was there and um it was taking hold that if hef would come, then everybody would. And my point in the letter was that Hef is the very reason that terrorists hate us. He's a pornographer and he's a very outspoken person about free speech. He was the first club owner, casino owner to book black comedians to do a regular stand-up act. And Dick Gregory was going to come out.

He was at the Rose. And if you cancel this, it really is the terrorists one more little notch on their victory belt. They go, this is the very guy the terrorists hate. Fuck it. Let's just do a show and whatever it is. It'll be a document of that time. And maybe it'll be a feel good to the people that are there. And maybe it won't. But canceling it, it just didn't sit well with me. And Hef, to his credit, came out. And Sarah and Jimmy and all those funny comedians came out.

We did still put on our tuxedos out of respect for Hef. And it wound up being not just a good show, but like a great show. I remember the mayor of New York sent a proclamation giving us his blessing. And I remember it being extremely well attended, packed to the roof at the New York Hilton, and Jimmy Kimmel did an amazing job as the host. He really set the tone, and he got the first laughs and kind of got the thing rolling,

and I felt a sense of sort of relief, like a little tension came out of everybody's shoulders. People were laughing. Rob Schneider, who is a funny guy, went on, and he had a couple good jokes, and a couple jokes didn't work. And there hadn't been a reference to 9-11 really in the show yet. And I ran over, and I put my arm around him in front of everybody. And I said, Rob, let's keep going. Let's get on with it.

Hasn't there been enough bombing in this city? Which is an easy joke, but the right joke in the moment. And it wound up being one of the best. And then Gilbert went on at the end and ruined everything. Gilbert went on that night and told a joke about wanting a connection. Well, maybe you should tell it. Yeah, I said, I have to leave early tonight. I have to fly out to L.A. I couldn't get a direct flight.

We have to make a stop at the Empire State Building. You know, and somebody yelled too soon and i thought it meant i didn't take a long enough pause between the setup and the punch line when he said that i thought i should have said two three four ah empire state building and then and that's what that moment to me also symbolizes how uh how people take offense and what they're okay with and it because it was like after that booing and hissing and getting up from their tables and then i i go into the aristocrats where i'm talking about uh the mothers fucking the son and the dogs uh blowing the father and and they're like cheering and i thought so terrorist attacks are bad taste but incest and bestiality are fine you were just warming up and they were

going to go on that journey or at least some of them were and some of them weren't but when Somebody yelled too soon, and you heard that. Did you start to panic? I remember being, well, I certainly had that feeling after the joke when they yelled too soon that I don't know if I was there for like three seconds or 200 years. Because it's like I'd lost the audience as much as anybody has ever lost an audience but you adjusted and went did you stick with your plan or did you yeah i plan to do the aristocrats no no i just figured at this point i there's nothing further to lose i might as well talk about a boy eating his mother's twat you know so i i go into that and it's like they're cheering you know it was like i remember it being cathartic i remember looking to my left and seeing jimmy kimmel um essentially crying with laughter. And I remember seeing Rob Schneider at a certain point fall off his chair and was like crawling on the floor.

Yes, he was rolling around on the floor. And that was like the greatest moment for me was like, aside from the audience cheering and laughing, was getting to look at the other comics on the dais laughing. How many times have you had previously told that joke? I don't think I've ever told it on stage before. Really? Yeah.

In person, I mean, I've told it. But I don't think I've ever. I think that's the first time I've ever said it on stage. Were you doing jokes in your act at that point? Yeah. Well, I started off with I said, tonight I'll be going by my Muslim

name, Hasn Bin Laid. And I remember I was following Ice-T, and Ice-T was up there going, you know, I'm going to kill you white motherfuckers, and I'm going to rape you white bitches. So I went on and said Ice-T stole my whole act. And I said, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm going to kill you white motherfuckers, and I'm going to rape some of you white bitches. Is my recollection correct?

Were you wearing a waiter's jacket? Yeah. So there's the added element of complete silliness. Oh, my God. Why were you wearing a waiter's jacket? Was it a white tuxedo jacket? Yes, a long white tuxedo jacket like that a dorky teenager would have as a graduation.

I got that jacket when 14th Street still had shitty places around where you could go into a store and buy anything, and you didn't know, and it was so cheap, you just bought it. And there was like... It was like a prom tux.

Yeah, yeah. And there was a tuxedo place going out of business. Darren's laughing. On 14th Street. And there was this white tuxedo jacket, long white, like the length that Groucho Marx would wear. And one of those bits were practically to my ankles.

A bright white tuxedo. And I think I got it for like $5. Wow. were practically to my ankles, a bright white tuxedo. And I think I got it for like $5. Wow. So I wore that, and I had a bow tie that I bought in another store for about $0.25. Just for the roast? Yeah. I had already had this in my closet, and I thought, oh, I'm doing a roast. This will be, I've got the perfect outfit.

So the Twin Towers collapsed, and you went right down to the neighborhood for some going out of business sales. Oh, God. I wanted to honor the death of 3,000 people with a $5 tuxedo. Unreal. Unreal. I had that shit lying around my apartment thinking, I'll never use this. You wore a red tie? I think it was a black tie.

I'm not sure. I'm sorry, I know this, but it was a black tie. I'm not sure. I'll have to look. I'm sorry. I know this, but it was a black tie and a white tuxedo jacket. And then when the plane crashed into the World Trade Center, I thought, oh, I can put on that jacket now. Gilbert, I have to ask, was this the 9-11 material, was it something that you came up with that night? Was it something that you thought about for weeks? No, no. It was like shortly before I was just sort of thinking of it.

And you thought, I'm the guy that's going to go for this. I want to be the first one to make the most obscenely tasteless September 11th joke. And then an ad lib leads to a movie. Yeah. You know what? They didn't even know about that. Yeah. They interviewed me for The Aristocrats, Paul Prevens and Penn, and they didn't know about it, believe it or not.

And I said, is this the joke? Are you guys talking about the joke that Gilbert did at the 9-11 row? And it didn't occur to me that it was... We didn't use that part of your act on the broadcast on Comedy Central. So unless you were there, they didn't know you did the aristocrats joke. And I didn't really know the joke

and, you know, I didn't even realize when they first asked me to be a part of that documentary that that's the same joke you did. And I said, oh, you got to track down Paul Provenza. His movie, you got to see when Gilbert did that joke. They didn't even know. And I couldn't believe that they didn't know.

I was like, you're making this not knowing that that happened? I always thought the incident inspired Paul and Penn to do the film. No, I told them. And then I helped them track down the rough footage because I had worked on that show. So I was very proud that they did indeed track you down and broke that into the documentary. It essentially became the soul of that movie, which showed all the comedians. And I thought it was a very cool doc and showed what we do as an art form,

not necessarily as... It was just great. It showed comedy as jazz, and it showed how different personalities make a difference. And then you and Bob were the... You and Bob Saget were the heart of that movie I thought

and I remember when they showed it on TV you don't see the aristocrats obviously or they just have to play a siren a bleep and it's like I think about 80% of what I did was cut out yeah, well that's alright it's a I think about 80% of what I did was cut out.

Yeah. Well, that's all right. It's a movie. But people got that. And I love that our little 9-11 Hugh Hefner roast is still something comedy fans are talking about. Anyway. You want to talk about – tell us about performing for the troops. Because I was reading about it in your book.

He worked for the Third Reich. Yeah, that was the interesting part. It was when the Jews were being let off. Jeff Ross thought, hey, I can make a dollar performing for Hitler's troops. And I thought, in all fairness, he wasn't working a lot at the time, so he needed the money. You know, Hitler, for all his faults, he paid talent.

He took care of talent. Got an illusion, right? Yeah. You know, for all his faults, he had a very generous laugh. I remember years ago, I was at Catch a Rising Star as the backup comedian, and I used to sit by the bar and hear comedians just talk and shop, and I was absorbing it all.

One comedian was complaining that a guitar act was up there taking the big weekend spots. In other words, an act that a lot of people would say should be on a cruise ship. Somebody did song parodies or something. the other comedian said,

well, what are you talking about? He's popular. People love him. The first comedian said, well, what are you talking about? You know, he's popular. People love him. And the first comedian said, Hitler drew. Doesn't mean it's a good act just because he was popular. I'll always do shows for the troops. Hopefully we won't always have troops in harm's way. But there's no better

audience no more appreciative by the way no more sophisticated audience than an army or military audience interesting they're diverse they're come from 18 to 55 uh and um they um get it you know you know they don't have to be drunk. They don't have to, it's not date night. They're there because they need a laugh. So I love it. I'll always appreciate them. And selfishly, you never get a more responsive crowd. How many times have you gone overseas to do it?

I'm not even sure. I've been to Iraq twice. I've been to Afghanistan. I've been to Iraq twice. I've been to Afghanistan. I've been to Germany, Djibouti, Africa, Korea. Oman, a couple other places. I'm not even sure where I was. Yeah, if you're an entertainer, any chance to do that, you should do that.

I love it. I might go in the fall again to Afghanistan. Anything you want to talk about that's coming up? No one's still listening. You should have done that. If you asked me in the beginning, I would have happily plugged my tour dates. We can edit and put it up toward the front. I will be in Atlanta this summer. I will be in Atlanta this summer. I'll be in Nashville this summer.

I'll be in San Francisco this summer. And a whole bunch of other stuff. If you go to roastmastergeneral.com, my tour dates are up there. You can follow me at RealJeffreyRoss. Tweet me some bullshit. And congratulations to you and you on your new podcast I hope this is bigger than

all my other failures I don't have to say anything that gets you condemned from show business it's a little late well no show business. It's a little late. Well, no,

no, no, at this point, I have no jobs to lose anymore, so it's okay. Why are you dressed like a Cuban dentist? Gilbert comes over, drinks my wine.

What are you going to eat after this? When you order out. Those almonds and mangoes are going to disappear, too. For sure. We got some snacks from Virginia here. So, anyway. This was one of the best times I had today. Thanks for having us over, Jeff. My pleasure.

I hope this is. Thank you. How many. How many. Who else have you interviewed besides me? No one. We couldn't get anyone that stupid. Drew Friedman.

Bill Persky. Billy West. Paul Schaefer coming up. Dick Cavett. Dick Cavett. Professor Erwin Corey. Boris Karloff's daughter. Really?

Yeah. What was that like? She was fun. Yeah. But this has been the amazing, Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my pal

Jeff Ross. Can we stay on until it's no longer a good show? We had a good show. Let's just stay on until it's not good. Let's have an open-ended amount of time that we can be on. We were doing so good for 50 minutes. Let's stretch out 20 more just so people can go, oh, it was good. First half was good. When you first said that, all I could think is that the audience has gone,

and which part was the good part? Here's how long the show is every week, folks. Till the food gets here. That should be the name of the show. Till the food gets here with Frank and Gilbert. They did research for their interviews, like, where's the nearest Chinese restaurant?

That's the research they do. It's not that extensive. Great. Lord knows the world is wondering, the podcast world wants to hear from Dick Cavett

and his cutting edge of technology. He doesn't even know you recorded him. All right. Good luck, fellas. Thank you, Jeff Ross.

Thank you for having me. I had a great time in my own living room. Thanks for coming over. Thank you, Jeff Ross. Thank you.