Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 71. Mario Cantone

Episode Date: October 5, 2015

Tony-nominated actor, singer and comedian Mario Cantone drops by Manhattan's Nutmeg Studios to regale Gilbert and Frank with inside-showbiz stories about everyone from Paul Lynde to Robert Redford to Lauren Bacall. Also, Mario crushes on Jan-Michael Vincent, tours London with Marty Krofft, treads the boards with Patrick Stewart and searches for Sammy Davis' eye. PLUS: Monty Clift visits Merv! Bette Davis trashes Faye Dunaway! Richard Simmons kidnaps Famous Amos! And Gilbert (and Mario) sing the theme from "The Sterile Cuckoo"! Our sponsor today is one of the premiere independent labels in the world, DFA Records, based out of downtown New York City and co-founded by James Murphy of LCD Soundsystem. DFA Records is proud and excited to release the second album from Greek singer songwriter production guru and all around genius savant, Larry Gus. His new album is entitled “I Need New Eyes." Visit the DFA online store @ store.dfarecords.com for more details and to order your copy today. and for 20% off your online order, use coupon code “GILBERT” on the DFA store. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

That's the sound of unaged whiskey transforming into Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey in Lynchburg, Tennessee. Around 1860, Nearest Green taught Jack Daniel how to filter whiskey through charcoal for a smoother taste, one drop at a time. This is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell. To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com. Tennessee sounds perfect. This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In Season 3, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star.

With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. Tomorrow night, come see us live at Littlefield in Brooklyn with our guest, Jim Norton.

Get tickets at littlefieldnyc.com. Come join us. I might even sing. Our sponsor today is one of the premier independent labels in the world. DFA Records, based out of downtown New York City and co-founded by James Murphy of LCD Sound System. DFA Records is proud and excited to release the second album from Greek singer-songwriter, production guru, and all-around genius savant, Larry Guss. His new album is entitled I Need New Eyes. This new album sees

Larry Guss moving slowly out of his sample-based, and now using clearer songwriting structures as his starting point. His lyrics stare intensely into obsessions, anxieties, and inadequacies, while the music he makes takes on vibrant, sunny, psychedelic pop, vibrant, sunny, psychedelic pop, percussive, polyrhythmic drums, and multi-layered dense arrangements. Before many critics have compared Larry to everyone from Mad Lib to Caribou to Panda Bear, it is safe to say on this new album, Larry Gus has truly found a voice of his own. This fall, Larry will be on tour with the DFA Alumni Yacht Inn. November, playing both East and West Coast, as well as a very special performance at the DFA Halloween Party at Palisades in Brooklyn, New York. Larry Guss' new album is available for sale sale in multiple formats, including limited pressings on blue vinyl, red vinyl, black vinyl, CD, and digital. DFA Records has been releasing music since 2001, including such iconic indie dance bands as LCD Sound System, The Rapture, Yacht, Holy Ghost,

Hot Chip, Factory Flaw, and the Juan McLean. Visit the DFA online store at store.dfarecords.com for more details and to order your copy today. And for 20% off your online order, use coupon code GILBERT at the DFA store. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre. And we're recording once again at Nutmeg Post. Our guest this week is a stand-up comedian, actor, singer, and writer who has appeared in movies like Mouse Hunter. and writer who has appeared in movies like

Mouse Hunt. You can stop right there. I could die after Mouse Hunt. Because that was I had three lines. I could die after Mouse Hunt. It's like DiCaprio after Gilbert Craig. He could have died after it

and he would have just been immortal. You're like James Dean after. Rebel without a cause. Rebel without a cause and dead. Yeah. And vroom, vroom, crash. Let him finish the rest of your intro, damn it. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, and here's a film that I could say we co-starred in. What was it? This was Bob Saget's Farce of the Penguins. Oh, brilliant. Yes, a lot of people saw that. We've got two pictures together, Gilbert. That and the Aristocrats. The Aristocrats. You got all the praise for and I just got, he's a fag.

Well, we've been meaning we'll discuss that later. These unfair rumors. Unsubstantiated rumors. I've got a wife and three kids. I've been licking pussy my whole life. You've been haunted by this your whole life. Haunted.

Yeah. Someone started it. It's ridiculous. I've got a ring on my finger. Look at me. I'm a married man. He's never going to get through the intro. All right, go ahead.

Keep going. Oh, and Quiz Show. Quiz Show, yes, I worked with Robert Redford. I had three lines, again. But I was fantastic. I looked great. This is Mario Cantone, by the way. Get to that. Get to that later.

You know, about Quiz Show, what's interesting is I improvised a lot of that. And I worked with Robert Redford. And I just, like, he was directing me and I'll never forget him putting his arm around me and walking me up the street. And I just looked at him and if there was a bubble over my head with words, it would have said, I used to masturbate to you.

I mean, not now you look like, you know, salty, the pirate. Now I, my kid, Bob, you know, Salty the Pirate. No, I'm my kid, Bob. You kid him. But it was.

It was the cover of the book, Big Hoss and Little Fosse. Remember that? Right, with Michael J. Pollard. Little Hosse, whatever it was. Michael J. Pollard. Now, didn't you say something like, hey, tell me what my address is in Quiz Show. Oh, you were the pesky guy in the phone booth. It was before Ralph Fiennes had released Schindler's List.

So it was before I really knew how brilliant he was. But I did. I banged on a phone booth and I was like, I don't know. I was just saying, it's Ralph. What was it? Ralph Fiennes. Ralph Fiennes. But no, Van Doren. Oh, Charles Van Doren. Charles. I was going to call him Ralph Van Doren. It's Charles, what was it? Ralph Fiennes. Ralph Fiennes, but no, Van Doren.

Oh, Charles Van Doren. Charles, I was going to call him Ralph Van Doren. It's Charles Van Doren. Yeah, I was like, hey, look, Charles Van Doren, everybody. Hey, Chuck, Chuck, which street do I live on in Brooklyn? Yeah, because he used to, you know, be a whiz at trivia and questions. And I just chased him down the street and said, give me an autograph of my wife. I played straight very early in my career.

Do you want to get through this intro? Oh, and you've been in TV shows like Men in Trees. Oh, yes. I gave my kidney to a dying straight man in that show. A dying straight man? A beautiful dying straight man. What, a rabbit? No, no.

No, it. No. It was actually. Well. Lou. Lou. He was actually. He was a straight man too, but he was also a straight man. Well, baseball players have very strange names.

He was a beautiful. That's true. I gave him my kidney. You gave a dying straight man. A beautiful, handsome, straight, heterosexual man my kidney. Yeah. Yeah, because he was dying, and I didn't even know him. How's that for a plot?

Steve Rossi was a dead straight man. No, I saved his life. I saved his life because he was beautiful. How superficial is that? Dan Rowan's a dead straight man. He's a dead straight man. Gil, you gave an organ to Dan Rowan. Oh, yes.

Yes, several times. Do you want to guess? Just to get on the line. You did give him. You did. Yes, it was a Wurlitzer. And I don't remember if Wheeler or Woolsey was the straight man. Oh, what difference does it make?

I don't know. Yeah. But he's got a whole card there. Oh, okay. Of credentials. Okay, so Men in Trees. Yeah. But he's got a whole card there of credentials. Okay. So Men in Trees. Yes.

Chappelle Show. Yes. I became very hip with the kids. The young, beautiful, urban kids. They love me. No, what's interesting about that, I can tell what people know me from by who they are. So if it's middle-aged women, it's usually The View. Never heard of it.

If it's young women, it's Sex and the City. or women with their skirts up to their twatsonis you know it's it's women who love sex in the city and then if it's these young black kids or puerto rican kids in my neighborhood it's the chapelle show and one time one time i'm on the corner handsome young black kid with his friends and his girlfriend and he comes up to me and he goes yo man you that comedian i was like yes i am that comedian he was so handsome of course so i'm so like yes and he said man you man you the guy that does that liza manelli bit yo man that's hilarious and i was like how do you know about this liza manelli because i thought he was gonna say oh and of course you uh here, according to the list,

you're in Sex and the City. I was. You buried the lead. There's no reason. And on the Broadway stage. Oh, yes. Which is very strange that you're being an extravagant Broadway show. It's strange because I'm so subtle.

Because you're a pussy house. I am. You know it. Yeah. Well, you know, so is John Barrymore. But there's plenty of pussy hounds on Broadway. Look at...

I love that show, by the way. Pussy hounds on Broadway. Pussy hounds on Broadway. They're pussing around on Broadway. Yeah. I just saw Pussy Hounds and Dynetics. It's a wonderful show. Oh, it's a good one.

It's kittens. People dressed as kittens singing country. And the new production of Death of a Pussyhound. That was really good. Yeah, absolutely. Riveting. Very tragic. Yeah, half of his hair was falling off.

Frederick March and Jim J. Bullock. That was bad. The way all his hair was, his whiskers were bent. This is the longest intro we've ever had on the show. Couldn't sell a freaking kid. He's going to list the shows you were in. Love, Valor, and Compassion. Yes, it was called Love, Valor, Compassion.

Terrence McNally. Compassion. Yeah, Terrence McNally. It won Best Play that year for the Tony Award and then it closed four months later. Actually, yeah, it closed four months later. But it was a great play. I replaced Nathan Lane in that. So, another pussy hound.

I know, I know. The two of us. You can see it's carousing. There's just no cunt left. No, no. After you and Nathan Lane. We have rubbed them all off, if you know what I'm saying. Get through the rest of the page. Okay.

Stephen Sondheim's Assassins. Oh, I saw you in that one. Yes, Assassins. I played Sam Beck, who tried to hijack a plane in 1973 and crashed into the White House to kill Nixon, and he never got off the ground. He never got the plane off the ground, and they killed him. Yes, that's a brilliant show. That was the New York Times. I loved you in that.

Neil Patrick Harris played Oswald. Another pussy hound. Another pussy hound. Yeah. Oh, forget it. He's actually gay. Yeah. Keep going.

We'll get to this. Go ahead. And now, Patrick Stewart, gay? No. He's just English. No, but he'll fuck anything with that bald head. Head first. He dives in.

He did The Tempest with Patrick. He did The Tempest with him, which they're actually doing again in the park. Yeah. And that's where it started, in the park, and then it went to Broadway, and I replaced John Pankow when it went to Broadway. But, yeah, they're doing it again, so you feel really old that they're... It's like, didn't they just do this? No, they did it, what, they're doing it again. So you feel really old that they're – it's like, didn't they just do this? No, they did it, what, 17 years ago?

Oh, my God. Dad, keep going, Gilbert. Take me down memory lane. This old – I feel old. This old is for Grant Snow. I never did that show. Go ahead.

His own Tony-nominated one-man show, Laugh Whore. Yes, you forgot the big bomb, The Violet Hour, which was also in between. Oh, the Richard Greenberg show, right. Yeah, yes. Yeah, yeah. That was a big, big, big failure. But it was fun to do, tragic. And then I did Laugh Whore, yeah, which was nominated for Tony.

Which I saw twice. Which you saw twice. Thank you, Frank. I'm glad you came twice. I loved it. Thank you very much. He came twice. Yes.

Plus, he is gay. I have it on DVD. I'm glad you came twice. I loved it. Thank you very much. He came twice. Yes. He is gay. I have it on DVD. He's so gay with those Sally Jesse Raphael glasses. Is anybody else in this room wearing red glasses? I don't think so. Oh, it's my trademark. Hey, yesterday was my anniversary. I can play the straight card, too.

Oh, that's right. One year. One year. Coming out? Yeah, that's it, right? You want to get to the rest? Go ahead. Welcome to the show.

Who is it? One year with Caitlyn Jenner. Yes. Our fellow showbiz junkie and obsessive, the funny and multi-talented, uh, cunt hunter. That's right. Mario Cantone. I love to hunt a cunt. Mr. Hunter Cunt.

Yes, that's what I am. I am. Wow. That was good. That was enjoyable to go through. Are we done? That's it. That was an 18.

We've got other people coming. Larry Hovis is coming in. Oh, yes. It's Pride Month. President Obama coined this month as Pride Month. Thank you, Mr. President. So we have an array of homosexuals coming in after me. I don't know where to begin.

Well, take a letter to my lawyer, Mr. Hunty-Cunt. And McCormick. Yes, yes. Hunty-unt. And McCormick. Yes, yes. Huntycunt, Huntycunt, Huntycunt. And McCormick. Tell the story of. What's that from? Love story.

Ali McGraw. Yeah, sure. Preppy. She was brutal. Yeah. Eric Siegel. Yeah. I love her, but she wasn't good in that.

Now, what is your opinion on Ali McGraw? I like, I think she's, I saw her in person recently and she looks beautiful. But I don't think she was ever a great actress. It's a terrible thing to say. But I'm saying it, you know. But, you know. She didn't make a lot of films. She didn't have a long career.

No, she didn't. What was she in? Wings of War on TV with Robert Mitchell. Yeah. She was in that tennis love story with Dean Martin's son. What? Remember that? Players?

No. Oh, yes. With Dean Paul Martin. That's right. Look it up, folks. What's your opinion on Catherine Ross? I love Catherine Ross. Raindrops keep falling on my head.

She was fantastic in that. She didn't do a lot either. It wasn't a great actress. And Dr. Doolittle. Fantastic in Dr. D't do a lot either. It wasn't a great actress. And Dr. Doolittle. Fantastic in Dr. Doolittle. Catherine Ross. She did that song that Leslie Brickus wrote about all the wonderful places in the world. I forget it.

I was obsessed with that movie as a kid, Dr. Doolittle. What happened to Catherine Ross? You're asking me? She's in my loft. I don't know. Really? I don't know what happened. She's alive.

She's one of those actresses from the 70s that, like, Karen Black and who did you say? Ali McGraw. Yeah. And Margot Kidder that didn't do a lot. Who was in Summer of 42? Jennifer O'Neil. Yeah. Directed by Robert Mulligan.

Yes. Beautiful. Beautiful movie. Who made Kill the Mockingbird? Give me a hint. I forget. He worked with Mulligan a lot. He was beautiful.

Beautiful photography. I love that movie. James Wong Howe? I just like to say that. Yeah. He was a famous cinematographer. Sir Hudd. Right, Hudd.

Robert Surtees? That was it. Yeah. He was another famous cinematographer. Karl Freund? Karl Freund? Karl Freund? He was the director of cinematography on I Love Lucy.

Was he really? He was, and he directed The Mummy. How do you know this? I thought I knew a lot. Oh, listen. Yeah, because he directed The Mummy. The Mummy. He did.

And did the film work on Dracula. Well, that's fascinating. This is too much information. I did not know this. See, I like these movies, but I don't know them. I don't know the credits like you do, because what else do you do but sit around waiting for credits? This is the show. I love that I can make fun of you because I get made fun of for knowing things.

Oh, you can mock us. I know. I'm just busting your – Now, I know this about you. I know the answers to some of these questions, but Gilbert doesn't and our listeners don't. What did you watch as a kid? I watched H.R. Puffin stuff. Yes. I was obsessed with H.R. Puffin stuff. I wrote

to Jack Wilde and he actually wrote me back. Jack Wilde. Remember him, Gil? Remember Jack Wilde? Oh, wait. He was the Artful Dodger in Oliver. Oh, my God. He was in H.R. Puffin stuff. And he had that little fruit named Freddy who was like, Jimmy, Jimmy, help me. I don't feel very good.

You don't remember Jimmy? He was a teen idol for a few minutes, Jack Wild. Yeah, and Billy Hayes as Witchy Poo. I like that. Yeah, Billy Hayes we remember. A lot of the Marty Krofft stuff. You know, Lidsville. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I heard. How's that for a topper? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I heard a story about Sid and Marty Krofft. What did you hear? Tell me. That one of the guys on the show that would do voices, his father was shot to death. And so the next day, he was like, you know, he was a little off, of course. His father just died.

And Marty wanted to fire him. And Marty wanted to fire him. And so Sid said to him, Marty, Marty, you can't fire him. His father was shot. And Marty said, we didn't shoot him, Sid. Well, let me tell you. I hope that's true. In 93, when the earthquake happened in California, was that 93? The Northridge quake, yeah.

I was in London. 94, maybe. With my future husband, and we were sitting in the lobby of the hotel having tea, and there's this guy, and I start talking to him, he starts talking to us, and he introduced himself, and he said, I'm Marty Croft. I'm like, you're Marty Croft? I'm like, you're Marty Croft? I'm like, Sid and Marty Croft? He's like, yeah. I'm like, what? Well, I clung on to him like a leech in a bad J. Michael Vincent movie.

I was like, he took me around. I said, I just want to see Big Ben. He literally did this. We went to Harrods. We shopped around. I said, I want to see Big Ben. we get in a taxi he makes the taxi like stop in traffic he goes get out i get out i look at he goes you saw a big ben now get back in and i got back in marty croft gave you a guided tour how did he was a really nice guy he was really nice i remember it so he was very so there's my

story to counter that see they? They're both still around. In fact, we talked about getting them on the show. We should. Now, Jan Michael Vincent. Jan Michael Vincent. Where is he now? He looks so, it's awful. His legs have been amputated, I think.

He's really. Are you serious? I don't know. Maybe that's not true. Don't quote me on that. It looks like they should have been amputated. That's all I know. He's Neil Michael Benson now.

He's really rough. I mean, he looks – and let me tell you, I had a picture of him when he was doing the world's greatest athlete, like in his prime, next to my bed in a tie-dyed T-shirt. And I would just look at him every night. And I was so in love with him. And to see what he – and look, everyone ages except for me. Yes, you look terrific. I'm Peter Pan. But he was like old drinking and drugs.

Drinking and drugs. And he had like two car accidents. Oh, yeah. There was one movie they showed a clip from where in the middle of the movie he had a car accident. So they had to write in to the movie how – Oh, it's like Monty Cliff. Yeah. How unrecognizable his face and he they put in a line like where he goes you think i like walking around looking like frankenstein

it was really scary i didn't know i didn't know he had see he had it in the middle of a movie just like montgomery clift rain tree county that's right yep yep she and you and but it's interesting about rain tree county with montgomery cliff you you kind of can't tell the difference that much it because he was so messed up with drinking and drugging that he was starting to go anyway didn't somebody tell us a story and we have a guest on the show that said he monty cliff went knocking on a friend's door and they didn't know. Oh, that one I had heard. That Montgomery Cliff. Well, Murph Griffin also pushed you out.

He loved the vagina. He had one gold-plated in his dressing room. It was like on a – Yeah, the regular Bob Guccione. He couldn't get enough. But Merv Griffin said that one day, like, there was a knock on his door, and he answered the door, and he saw it like a total stranger standing there. And he said, you know, can I help you? And the guy goes, you don't know me either, do you? And he turned around and walked away, and he realized it it was Montgomery Cliff and it was right after the accident. And he was going from house to house of people he knew to see if anyone recognized him.

That is the saddest story. He was that. Yeah, we like to bring the show down to a screeching to depress our guests as much as we can. Where are my dolls? I need my dolls. Yeah, he was. He was. I read all was, I read both of those biographies. I found, I was a big fan of his. He's kind of a tragic figure.

Yeah, he was. He was beautiful when he was young, I'll tell you that. He really was. And he's a hell of an actor. Hell of an actor. I'm trying to think of two things that Jan Michael Vinson was in. He was in The World's Greatest Athlete. Oh, he was in The Mechanic with Charles Bronson. The Charles Mechanic, The Mechanic, right. Oh, in. He was in The World's Greatest Athlete. Oh, he was in The Mechanic with Charles Johnson.

The Mechanic, right. Oh, yes, The Mechanic. World's Greatest Athlete. And Hooper with Burt Reynolds. He was one of the stuntmen. He was the young stuntman. He was also in – Didn't he have a series?

No, he was in that surfing movie with Gary Busey and William Catt. Oh, Big Wednesday. Big Wednesday. Big Wednesday. Yeah, he was in that too. And yeah, and he was – I'll tell you when I first saw him was on the banana splits. There was a cereal, not that you eat, but they showed that had a cliffhanger every week that was called Danger Island. And it was directed by Richard Donner.

Wow. Yeah. And he was in that and he was beautiful. And there was a big hunky black guy. That was a feast for young homosexuals. Danger Island. Danger Island. William Catt.

Oh, loved him. Was in Problem Child 3. He was. The TV movie. No way. Yeah. I love that you brought up William Catt after. Oh, because we said Big Wednesday.

And Carrie, he was played. And Carrie. Oh, my God, yeah. And Carrie. Long curly hair. And Carrie. He was wonderful in that. Yes.

One of the great horror films of all time. And you liked that film. Oh, they're all going to laugh at you. They're all going to laugh at you. Piper Laurie. I heard that Piper Laurie, when she was doing that, thought it was a comedy. She didn't want to do it. Yeah.

She didn't. She thought it was a comedy? Yeah. She thought it was so ridiculous. She thought it was a comedy. She didn't want to do it. Yeah. She didn't want to do it. She thought it was a comedy? Yeah, she thought it was so ridiculous. She thought it was ridiculous. Meanwhile, she was... She's pretty terrifying. The one half of the reason that movie worked was because you had those two performances, Sissy Spacek and her, and they were both nominated for Oscars.

Yeah, because I think when she was doing it, she thought, you know, this is just like a comedy. It makes no sense. Yeah. Well, you know, she wasn't kidding around when she was, I should have killed myself the first time he put it in me. But then it came at me with his rod house whiskey breath and his hands all over me. And I loved it. I loved it.

Don't go to the prom, Carrie. Your dirty pillows are showing, Carrie. They're all going to laugh at you. They're all going to laugh at you. I love that movie. Don't forget the pillows. Oh, your dirty pillows. Yes.

Your dirty pillows are showing. Did you see the remake? I did. They both weren't good. And I remember that Sissy Spacek said in an interview that Brian De Palma promised her he wouldn't be showing her vagina in the movie. her, he wouldn't be showing her vagina in the movie. And then during the screening, she said out loud in the screening room, thanks, Brian. Yeah, because it pans right down to her. Oh, yeah.

To her merkin. You like those De Palma movies. I do. We talked about them on the phone. I love Blowout, I think is great. Nancy Allen and George Walton. And Dressed to Kill. And Carrie, too.

I didn't see. The second one? No, Carrie, is great. Nancy Allen and George Maltz. And Dressed to Kill. And Carrie, too. I didn't see. The second one? No, Carrie, the remake. Which one? The TV one or the movie one? With Chloe Grace Moran. Yeah, with Julianne Moore. Her lips were too pouty and she was too sexy, that little girl.

And for me to say it. Yeah, I worked with her in Jack and the Beanstalk. Really? Which I never saw, Gilbert, and that's my thing. Yeah, surprisingly. No, that's my thing. Who did you play in Jack and the Beanstalk? I was a goose, of course.

You were? I walked around in a big goose outfit. Do you remember the TV specials as a kid? The Prince Street Players? They did Jack and the Beanstalk and Emperor's New Clothes. They were like a theatrical production. They were in a New York

theater company for kids and they I think CBS televised them. The Prince Street players. I never saw them again. Not Leslie Ann Warren. That was a whole other thing. Was it Sissy Spacek who was putting on like fairy tales?

Oh, Shelley Duvall. Shelley Duvall. Fairy tale theater. Fairy tale theater she did in the 80s. Those were good. And everyone did one, yeah. Jeff Goldblum was in it and a lot of people did them. Yeah.

You did, the Jack and the Beanstalk you did was with James Caron. Oh, yeah. Our guest. James Caron. I have to, I have to. Chris Lloyd. It's literally Jack and the Beanstalk? Yes.

You're the goose? Yes. Who's the giant? Oh, okay. The voice was James Earl Jones. Was it an animated thing? No, no. No.

It was, I was walking around in a goose outfit. So you've been a goose and a duck. Yes. Well, this is a theme to your career. This is a theme. Geese, swans, ducks, aflac, ducks. Yeah. A parrot.

It's all birds. Yes. Yeah. You like those De Palma films. You like Blowout. You like Dressed to Kill. I love Blowout. Dressed to Kill is wonderful.

You like those, Gil? Do you like them? Yeah. Although I always kind of felt like I enjoyed watching them. But when you see like the Fury and – Sisters. Yeah, and Olos. It's like I enjoy it but I'm also watching it going, yeah, yeah, Brian. That's a really good scene.

Yeah, yeah. Excellent, excellent. Great camera work there, Brian. Do you feel – I mean he lifted a lot from Hitchcock of course. Yeah. I mean – but I guess that from Hitchcock, of course. Yeah. I mean, but I guess, you know, that's what I kind of liked about him. But I loved – best thing Angie Dickinson ever did. Angie Dickinson.

She was beautiful. Yeah. She was great when she got plowed in the cab by that guy. Right. And then she gets murdered because she had sex. Thanks for the lesson, Brian. And Nancy Allen, Brian De Palma's ex-wife. Oh, God, yes.

And he married her. I know. He married her right after Carrie, I think. And then who was the other girl in the Fury? Amy Irving. Amy Irving. Amy Irving. Who married Steven Spielberg.

Correct. Yeah. She was in Fury. She was in Carrie. Yeah. And then that was it. Since you brought up Hitchcock, the first time I ever saw you... No, he brought up cock.

Yeah, that's it. Hitchcock, he doesn't care. I said I was hitched to a cock. That's what I said. You're not listening, Frank. You told me on the phone you're not a big Hitchcock person, but you do love the birds. I love Hitchcock. I'm a big fan,

but I don't... There's some... I haven't seen everything. I'm a big fan, but I don't, I don't, I'm not, I don't, there's some, like, I haven't seen everything. Right. Like, I haven't seen Saboteur, which I heard is great. I haven't seen Saboteur. No, but I mean Rope, the gay one that Arthur Lorenz did the screenplay for, you know. The one that was based on the Leopold and Loeb murder, the child murder.

And it's all done in one take. Right, one take. That's pretty amazing. Yeah, I saw that in the theater. That was one of the ones that was tied up for years. That was, that was, that and Rear Window was one of the ones that was tied up for years. That and Rear Window and The Trouble with Harry were not available for years.

We had Billy Mummy on Boston Space. I was obsessed with Boston Space. Yes, we had him. He hated Hitchcock. What did he do for Hitchcock? Alfred Hitchcock Presents. Oh, he did Hitchcock Presents.

Yeah. Okay. He said that he was doing his own, like, basically stand-in work rather than get a stand-in. And he was a kid and he couldn't stand still. If you don't stop moving, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor and blood will run out of them like milk. Yeah. And he was terrified. It's just what he told us.

And he said, had Hitchcock at the end of the scene said, thank you or I was just kidding, he wouldn't even be remembering it now. But he didn't. I think he was a cold son of a bitch. Yeah. Look, talk to Tippi Hedren. Yeah. He tortured her, supposedly. That HBO movie with Toby Jones and Sienna Mellon.

How was that? I loved that movie. It's so weird. He torches her in it. And then supposedly it was true. Like, Toby Jones does it first, and then they do the identical movie with Anthony Hopkins. But the tone of those two movies is completely different.

One is very kind of heightened and almost comedic, the one with Anthony Hopkins and Helen Mirren and then the other one is dark with Toby Jones. I like that one better. And what was the thing with Hitchcock? Well, we know he had an obsession with blondes. He did.

He did. Did he torment all of them? Yeah. Like Ava Marie Saint? No. Ava Marie Saint loved him. So Hedren was the one that he ran afoul. Hedren, he really went after.

Did he have a weird thing about women in general? Yeah, of course he did. Because I think, you know, he was married to this woman and he probably wanted to fuck these blondes. I mean he was married to a frumpy woman. What's he going to get, you know? Even though, you know, there's plenty of fat guys that could have beautiful women on their arm because they have a lot of money and power. But I don't know why he didn't. And during that time, there wasn't as much of that as there is now.

And during that time, there wasn't as much of that as there is now. Like you can – if you're a fat, ugly, old, rich man, you can have whatever – you can't have true love. You can have plenty of vaginal juices. I wish I was fat. Me too. Me too. That's what's been holding me back. I'm going on the Marlon Brando diet. Now, Marlon Brando, was he and Wally Cox blowing each other?

He sucked my cock. I let him. I saw you doing, remember the Christian Brando trial? Oh, yeah. He used to do the bit. I did when he was on the stand. Right. I called remember the Christian Brando trial? Oh, yeah. He used to do the bit. I did when he was like on the stand and he was like just – I called him Humpty Brando. He was just like rocking. My son is a good kid.

It's not his fault. Please take me. Don't. Please leave me alone. So is the questionographer going to finish that blueberry muffin? Because I'm very hungry. But I loved him. I loved him.

Yeah. And when he comes on the screen in Streetcar Named Desire, you just go, what? There's only one other person in the history of Hollywood, I think, that does that. And his name is Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy. Oh. That son of a bitch. First of all, he's as talented as he is beautiful.

And he comes on screen. People have described me that way. Yes. You are that he is beautiful. And he comes on screen. People have described me that way. Yes. You are that talented and beautiful. You're as beautiful as you are talented. If only you were fat. Why did you forget that? No, he is not fat.

He's getting there. But Brando and Tom Hardy. I think he has that kind of magnetism, that kind of instant. Oh, my God. Did you ever see The Take? It's a British series. It's a five-part miniseries based on a novel.

It's called The Take. He's magnificent in it. He hasn't even shown you yet. I mean, I saw Mad Max, and I loved him in it, but those kind of movies, to me, they're assaulting. And I can't even—I'm so old now. If I see them in IMAX, my earbloods, the ears, the blood dripping out of my ears. I can't—it's so—I just, they'll be like, how was the movie? It was assaulting.

It was assaulting. It's so loud. I just can't, I can't do it. Now, I remember getting back to Pussyhound Murph Griffin. Yes. That's a segue. I remember when he would have Betty Davis on this show, she would wear a miniskirt. Betty Davis would, huh? Yeah. She would Davis on the show. She would wear a miniskirt. Betty Davis would, huh?

Yeah. She would go on the show. She looked – I mean half her face was frozen. Oh, this is post-stroke? Yes. Half of her face was totally frozen. She weighed two pounds and she would wear a miniskirt. Yeah, which she was on Johnny Carson too. Like those three appearances on Carson she did were unbelievable.

And the first one she did was before the stroke and the second and third one were after the stroke. And she would just come on. When they shut her mic off on the Oscars, she railed about Marty Poinsettia. Was that his name? Oh, Marty Poinsettia. Poinsettia. Recently just passed. Yeah, just passed.

Well, good because now he is dead like me, Mick Davis would say. Oh, yes. Marty Poinsettia shut the microphone off on me because he said I am not awake enough, alive enough, young enough to read nominees. Well, I have something to say to Marty Poinsettia. You know nothing of directing.

I've worked with the best and I have worked with the worst. And you, sir, are totally and utterly the worst director I have ever worked with. And then when he, Johnny Carson asked her about who was the worst actress she's ever worked with, she went, who would you never, he went, who would you never work with? He said, who would you never work with again? And she said, $1 million Faye Dunaway. Wow. And then she went off.

We were doing a motion picture for television called The Disappearance of Amy Simple McPherson, who was a preacher in her day, and I played her mother. Well, we were on the set. Thousands of extras sitting there waiting with their boxed lunches in their laps. Waiting for Miss Dunaway to appear. Finally, one hour, two hour, Miss Dunaway graces us with her presence. Well,

I said, did you get your eyeliner on correctly, Miss Dunaway? Is that what took so long? Oh, perfect. And I'm saying I've written a letter to Daddy for the extras with their box lunches as we were waiting for Miss Dunaway to grace us with her wretched presence.

We've had a lot of impressions on the show, but no one's done post-stroke Betty Davids. I'm the only one that does Betty Davids after the stroke. Oh, that's hilarious. Wrecking! Oh, can you do that speech? What speech? Oh, that scene. You could probably do both of them.

Where Joan Crawford finally gets angry and yells at Betty Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. Well, did she ever really get angry at her? Well, she's upset. Well, she's, oh, Jane. Oh, I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, she comes in the house and she finds that note. And Joan's like shaking. And Betty goes, under no circumstances show this letter to my sister Blanche. You ain't ever going to leave this house, Blanche, because Daddy didn't want you to. Oh, Jane, you wouldn't do these terrible things to me if I weren't in this chair. But you are, Blanche. You are in that chair. Now, if you don't eat your parakeet or your rat, you don't get any ginger.

I shouldn't say that, but you do so. Now, didn't they, they hated each other. Here's another story that I will tell with my stroked out brain and face. I still have my brain, let me tell you. brain and face. I still have my brain, let me tell you. Miss Crawford came to the set every day on Baby Jane with a different set of breasts.

It was like dodging the Hollywood Hills. Every day. I had to pick her up and drag her in one scene. She strapped weights around her waist like she was smuggling hashish across the board.

And it wrecked my back. She was a wretched woman. But I think it's terrible that a daughter wrote a book about her. My daughter, B.D. Hyman, Big Deep Hyman, wrote a book about me. Terrible. And I was still alive to see it.

It was heartbreaking. It really was. She found Jesus and wrote a book about me. That is not very Christian to write about your mother. I love it. Oh, God. All you got to do is Victor Buono. You could do the whole thing.

You could do the whole thing on stage. He was another one. Was he gay, Victor Buono? No. That's the rumor. Pussyhound. That's our code now. Yeah. Victor That's the rumor. Pussy hound. That's our code now. Yeah.

Victor Bono, Major League Pussy. He's come up before. Yeah. So we got all kinds of things here. We were going to talk about Irwin Allen. We talked on the phone about, well, because Billy Moomy we had, and we talked about Irwin Allen and Boston Space, and you love the time tunnel. I like the time tunnel, but that was James Darin was in that, right?

Yeah, we were just hanging out with James Darin in Jersey. Gilbert did a nostalgia show. He was a handsome guy. He sang, too, did he not? Yeah, he was a singer from Philly like Frankie Avalon and those guys. Well, isn't that fascinating? But he had an acting career. He sure did.

He sure did. I liked, you know, The Towering Inferno. I was very obsessed with it. Uh-huh. Faye Dunaway was in that and Jennifer Jones. I liked The Towering Inferno. I was very obsessed with it. Faye Dunaway was in that and Jennifer Jones. There was that whole spate of Irwin Allen disaster movies in the 70s. The Poseidon Adventure is me. What I remember about the Poseidon Adventure was Stella Stevens in her underwear. Oh, yeah.

Of course you did. Climbing all up and down the ladder in her underwear. And Ernest Borgnine was her lover. Yeah, he was the cop, the retired cop. Yeah, she was a hooker, and he was a cop. Oh, and that's how they met. Right, he busted her.

That's right. And Shelley Winters. Mer? Mer? I can swim. I can swim. I can swim. Look, I got a medal. I got a medal.

I can do it. I got a swimming medal. I can do it. I can't get up this Christmas tree. Mrs. Peanut Pan, I'm not. She climbs the tree. Did you ever read her book? She's like, I fucked all my leading men. Mrs. Peanut Pan, I'm not. She climbs the tree. Did you ever read her book when she was like,

I fucked all my leading men. Everybody. I did. James Francesca, Tony Franciosa, Laura McCall, I fucked her too. The Gilbert Gottfried

Amazing Colossal Podcast Producer of the Month is DFA Records. Thank you, DFA Records. Be just like DFA Records and get rewarded for supporting our podcast. Head over to patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried. For a set amount each month, you can get some colossal benefits, such as access to new podcast episodes before anyone else, Before anyone else. Early access to tickets to live podcast tapings. Exclusive video hangouts.

And just added, I will record a personalized roast of you and only you. So you can share with your friends me telling you what a schmuck you are. Well, I don't have to join Patreon for that. And you don't have to pay me either, because you are a schmuck. That I do for free. I want no money. That's my, I just speak the truth. I'm so blessed. You are a schmuck.

So go to patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried. That's Patreon. P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Gilbert Gottfried. Thank you for your generosity. And thank you, DFA Records. Tell Gilbert you got to hang out with Lauren McCall before the end of her life.

I met her a long time ago at a benefit, Nothing Like a Dame, the Broadway benefit that Phyllis Newman does every year for the Actors Fund. Wow, Phyllis Newman, there's a name. Oh, I know Phyllis very well. I love Phyllis. And her daughter, Amanda Green, who's a brilliant writer. Right, Adolph Green's daughter, right. Yep, she wrote a few Broadway musicals and has a lot more to come.

Remember Phyllis Newman, Gilbert? Oh, yeah. She was like the talk show, the game show guest extraordinaire. Everything. She's done Broadway. She did movies. But, Miss McCall, I used to just, you know, I don't have the picture, She's done everything. I would sit at her feet and ask her questions about Hollywood and, you know, I asked her about the mirror cracked and working with Barbra Streisand and she said that Barbra was tough. I don't even want to tell the story because it's terrible.

But I love Betty Bacall. She was the voice of Turner Classic Movies. That's right. She was. Turner Classic Movies. I'm Betty Bacall and you're listening to Turner Classic Movies. Ha ha! Classic movies. I'm Betty McCall and you're listening to Turner Classic Movies. Ha-ha! I remember that a few years ago they were doing a string of commercials and they wanted to make it Betty and, you know, Bogie and McCall.

Yeah. And so she agreed to do it. But, you know, Bogart was long dead. So they got an impersonator. And they realized this was late in her life and that her voice was much deeper than the guy who was doing Humphrey Bogart. So he'd be like, you know, hey, Benny. And she'd be, yeah, Bogart. Like, you know, hey, Benny.

And she'd be, yeah, bogey. Yeah, she had a gruff voice. And you heard it kind of, she smoked. You heard it kind of, you know, get gruffer and gruffer. I just was watching How to Marry a Millionaire. And her voice even then was, it was gruff. Remember she did the Fancy Feast commercial for the cats? Oh my God. Yes. Fancy Feast. You're going to love it.

Your cat will too and so will your pussy. Fancy Feast. What did she tell you? Any tales out of school that you can share? Yeah, I can. No. Look, the one I can't tell. Okay. It's just too much. We'll beat it out of you once the mics are off.

But I really I love Miss McCall. Any opportunity I could, I would't tell. Okay. It's just too much. We'll beat it out of you once the mics are off. But I really – I love Miss McCall. Any opportunity I could, I would say. Because, you know, this is the thing. You know, Shirley MacLaine was quoted in a Times article about when she was doing a movie with Cameron Diaz and – what's the other one? Colette. Oh, the – right. Oh, I forget the name of that. I forget what it was. Was that the Curtis Hanson movie, In Her Shoes? I think that Colette. Oh, the, right. I forget the name of that. Was that the Curtis Hanson movie, In Her Shoes?

I think that's it. Oh, yeah. She said, you know, and I respect this, and I really agree with this. She said, if I was with, if I was a young actress and I was with me, I'd ask questions. I'd want to know. Oh, I heard her say that. And she, you know, she said

that's all that Cameron Diaz cared about was dodging the paparazzi with Justin Timberland. And she literally said Timberland, which I love. She said that. And she said, and Toni Collette didn't say anything. And it's true. It's like if you're working with them, I would be on. I was talking to Morgan Fairchild about that. I did a thing with her one time and we were talking and she did a lot of TV movies.

She did one with Betty Davis. She worked with Jimmy Stewart. She worked a lot. She had a long career. In the 70s, she was kind of – when they started to do television, she was doing a lot of TV movies and she was – Betty Davis loved her. Like they loved her because she asked questions. She wanted to know.

She was interested. You're sitting there with history and Hollywood royalty. And how can you not want to know? And I don't think these kids today, I sound like an elderly piece of shit. You know, I don't think they give a shit. I mean, I'd be like, and if I didn't know who they were, I'd fucking find out. That's part of what this podcast is about. Yeah, I know.

We're both so curious. Teach, educate. Yeah, we feel it is a little educational. Kids, is what's wrong with these kids today? Kids. Kids, they don't listen to a word you say. That's right. Kids, they are.

I did that in high school. I got dueling Paul Lins here. Martha, remember his show, the Paul Lin show? Martha, get me a martini. Martha. Yeah, and he on the Paul Lin show, I think he had a wife and kids. He did. Of course.

I watched it. I loved it. It was only one season. Didn't you write? You told me that you were in high school and you wrote a script. I wrote a sketch. Oh, a sketch. A Paul Lin sketch based on that show.

Who played his wife? I'm wrote a sketch. Oh, a sketch. A Paul Lynn sketch based on that show. Who played his wife? I'm trying to remember. Oh, I can't remember. Oh, wait. Gene Simpson. Wait, on as many episodes as I can, I have to tell a Paul Lynn story. Do you have one? Yeah.

He's told this about 12 times. His biography on A&E was not very flattering. I don't think he was that nice a guy. They didn't say nice things about him. I met him once. He was very nice. Really? Yeah. But I was a kid. I heard, I think it was who was the Hollywood

Squares guy? Peter Marshall? Peter Marshall, I think, was with him and they were in a dressing room of the Oh, the Gold Diggers. The Gold Digger dancers. And Paul Lynn walks in and goes, this place smells like cunt. But don't take my word for it.

He's told that on every show. And a producer on Hollywood Squares when I was on also worked on the original. And he told me that Paul Lynn, like when during lunch, everyone was having a nice time eating and telling jokes. Paul Lynn would be bombed out of his skull. And he was a major Jew hater. And he would be there going, oh, those fucking Jews. They're the reason I don't have a career. He's told that so many times on this podcast.

Craig Bierko said, that's become your Carol Burnett earlobe tongue. What's your trademark? When I met him, he was playing the South Shore Music Tent in Cohasset, Massachusetts. And he was great. And I Music Tent in Cohasset, Massachusetts. And he was great. And I waited in line and got his autograph. And there I was, this little kid. I was like, I don't know, 13, 14.

And I had a Chorus Line t-shirt on. And it was very hot at the time. Chorus Line was the thing. And he signed my program. And he looked at me and was like, great shirt, you got good taste, great shirt, and I'm sure he was thinking wait till you grow up and start sucking cock, you little fag. That was the

bubble above his head. Oh, and I remember talking to Dom DeLuise and Dom DeLuise when he was working Hollywood Squares one time invited Paul Lynn over the house. Oh, Jesus. And he was sitting there with his family and everything.

And Paul Lynn's there with his boy toy. And Paul Lynn says, you know, oh, I got a call. I have to film something in Hawaii. And the boy toy goes, oh, I would love to go to Hawaii with you. And Paul Lynn goes, in front of Dom DeLuise's entire family, he goes, I know why you want to go to Hawaii with me. Because you want to fuck me in the ass. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Subtle. I heard he was a brutal drunk, that he was really, it's a shame because he was so talented. And what about Dom DeLuise? We talked about this the other day, you and I. Yes. When you called me Sunday. I never met him. Yeah.

I met his son once, one of his sons. I think it was Peter. He was very nice. I thought Tom Dalloway was hilarious. I don't know. I mean, was – One of those guys that, you know, had a family. He had a family and he was married to his wife Carol for years.

And if he was, I don't – he certainly didn't seem very active in it at all. I don't think – We're not here to start any rumors. You know, I don't know. I mean – You're the one that brought it up, Frank. Shut start any rumors. You know, I don't know. I mean, you're the one that brought it up, Frank. Shut the fuck up.

You can throw me in the bus, piece of shit. I love John Belowitz. What about Rip Taylor? Look, everybody has... Straight? I know Rip

and I love Rip. Of course he is. Well, it's never been proven. No, it hasn't. And you know, as far as Carol and John, everybody has their own rules to their own relationship. And whatever your rules are, as long as you're not hurting anybody or each other, it's none of anybody's business. And I believe that no matter what.

I mean, you know. I'll go with that. Yeah. Now go fuck yourself. Now go fuck yourself. Now, since we brought up the birds, Gilbert and I have to, and this was something that you did. That's the one. That's the first time I saw you on Caroline's Comedy Hour, where Gil and I actually did a bit on that show.

In 94, the first time I saw you do stand-up, when Jenny was hosting, Rich Jenny. Oh, yeah. And you came out, You did that bit. And I said, I got to know this guy. And you later had the kids. Do I have this correct? You had the kids on your kids' show? On Steampipe Alley, my children's show.

Yeah, you didn't mention that in my intro. Gilbert and I talked about it this weekend. Yes, five years. Five years. We remember. That children's show. Five years of booze and dope. Yeah. Steampipe Alley.

The children. Oh, I love the children. I hate kids. But I used to go in the control room in between takes. You know, not so much the kids. The parents were just as bad. But I found some very talented kids on that show because we would do sketches and stuff. Yeah, I made them do the birds at one point.

Hilarious. We did the birds. We did sketches like Allie of the the dolls where i was like chucky but i was neil o'hara but i was chucky o'hara we did sick stuff and we did we did richard simmons is is like in misery where he kidnapped famous amos and richard simmons and it was too hip for the rope and you used to actually put on blackface never no you never put on black no. Never. No, you never put on blackface? No, that was Tommy Davidson in Bamboozled. That's easy to mistake.

I remember you always doing Sammy Davis Jr. I did, but I never did it in blackface. I knew better. It was in the 80s, and even in the 80s, you didn't do that. What was the Sammy skit? It was find Sammy Davis Jr.'s eye in the pie. But his name was Sammy Sammy Jr., and I was like, hey Jr.'s eye in the pie. But his name was

Sammy Sammy Jr. And I was like, hey man. And every week he lost it in a different way. It was always a monologue. I didn't do it every week. We did it like once a month. It was on every Sunday. And I'd be like, find my eye in the pie. And I'd be like, find my eye in the pie. It's my

eye, not a pigsty. I don't know. I'd make that stupid song. And then I would say to the kids it would be a different thing every week. But one week was like, you know, today I was at a wedding and my friend Ella Fitzgerald came in. And she hit a high note and kapowee, my eye flew out of the socket and into the Viennese table right into this chocolate pie. And the kid would have to find, the kids had no idea.

They would look at me like, what? They literally had like, you know, like on Charlie Brown when the mouth is like straight and there's no expression. They didn't know who Suzanne Plachette was? No, of course not. But Sammy Davis Jr. And then I remember we did a contest. We did a contest. The end of the show, you have to write in and tell me how Sammy Davis, Sammy Sammy, lost his eye this week.

Was it Ella hitting a hard note? Was it some other reason? And one kid literally wrote in, it was in a car accident, which is how he really lost it. Oh, wow. I was like, you don't win because that's not what we were asking. Not creative. Hey, can you sing the Disorderly Orderly theme song? No, I cannot.

What is that? Sammy Davis. Sammy Davis sang the theme song to Jerry Lewis's, you know, The Disorderly Orderly. No, I didn't know that. I barely knew the... You know, my new opening number of my new show I'll be doing in Fort Lauderdale at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts, Saturday night, this coming Saturday, the 12th.

My new opening number is a song that he sang. Which one? Well, Frank did it, too. I'm Gonna Live Till I Die. Oh, I know that song. But Sammy's version of it's the best. What about the Beretta theme? Yeah, I was just going to ask that.

Well, I was just going to ask. Oh, my God. It's keep your eye. That's what I would sing on the sparrow. But I would say, sing find my eye in the pie. It was a whole parody of that song. All right. I guess that's why we both just thought of it at the same time.

I was just opening my mouth to say the beret. I would sing it as find my eye in the pie instead of keep your eye on the sparrow. You want to talk about a couple of bad biopics? Sure.

You and I were talking about biopics. Gilbert and I love to talk about them. Gilbert loves to talk about bad exposition in biopics. Sure. You and I were talking about biopics. Gilbert and I love to talk about them. Gilbert loves to talk about bad exposition in biopics. Well, I loved in the Kevin Spacey, where he's Bobby Darin. Oh, Beyond the Sea. He's much too old for that.

And John Goodman's his manager. Yeah. And so Kevin Spacey goes, ah, I failed. I have no career. And and so Kevin Spacey goes, I, I, I failed. I, I have no career. And and John Goodman has to say where it sounds like he's saying it, but it's just information to the audience. about, Bobby? Don't you realize you were picked Performer of the Year 1964, 65, 67, and 68? You won seven Grammy Awards.

You've got 12 gold records. You were picked Top Vegas Performer. Great exposition, Brad. Really hidden well in the scene. And there was one about Robin Williams where he's supposed to – a guy playing Robin Williams is sitting with a guy playing Robert Evans. And the Robert Evans guy goes, so, Robin, are you happy?

And he goes, well, yes, of course I'm happy. Robin, are you happy? And he goes, well, yes, of course I'm happy. I'm currently filming Popeye with iconic film director Robert Altman. There was a Robin Williams biopic? Yes, yes. When they were making all those TV. Good Lord.

I remember the Freddie Prinze one. Can you hear the laughter? Yes. I remember that there was a Robin Williams biopic. Wow. That's scary. And I remember there was the Three's Company biopic. Wow. That's scary. And I remember there was the Three's Company biopic. Yes. That was a great one.

That was a great one. And the Partridge Family one was really good. Oh, I remember the Partridge Family one. The best one was Charlie's Angels. Did you see that biopic on TV? No. Didn't have a chance. That was one of the best ones.

It was actually really good. Really? It was really good. And because I have to talk over all my guests and give favorites of stuff I've done a million times before. I don't care. My favorite death scene of all time is in the Bud and Lou, the Abbott and Costello story with Harvey Korman and Buddy Hackett. Ever see it, Mario? No.

Truly terrible. And Buddy Hackett as Lou Costello has a heart attack and he's lying in the hospital bed really, really weak. And Artie Johnson from Laugh-Ins shows up as his agent and he reaches under his jacket and hands him a cup. And he goes, I brought you a strawberry malted. And Buddy Hackett, as Lou Costello, takes one sip very weakly and goes, you know, Eddie, I had a lot of strawberry malted in my day, but this one's the best. And he falls down dead. It was great. You got to see it.

It's truly terrible. It's like you'd think neither one of them ever saw an Abbott and Costello routine. When they were making those bad Hollywood biopics. Gable and Lombard. I remember that. Oh, my God. Yes. Yes.

And James Brolin. And then there was the one we talk about. Rod Steiger, W.C. Fields. W.C. Fields and me with Valerie Perrine. Oh, God. That was a major motion picture. Yeah, it was a major motion picture. Arthur Hiller, I think.

Lenny was a good one. It wasn't bad. Lenny. Well, there's some good ones. There's some good ones. You liked the Liberace movie. We talked about it. Oh, that was fun.

They were both great. They were both great. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that they were, you know, straddling each other and kissing. And I can't believe that Matt Damon was plowing Michael Douglas in the ass. I was like, you've got to be kidding me. And then he was like, do you want some poppers? I'm like, what?

And my husband was like, you're fucking Hollywood royalty in the ass. You're fucking Kirk Douglas' son in the ass. Get off of him. He's a pussy hound. Big time.

I love Michael Douglas. He was on The View. I was co-hosting one time and he was on. It was before he announced his mouth cancer and he announced that he was going to do this film with Matt Damon playing his

lover and I was like wow and but then what a brilliant stroke of genius to cast I remember when I heard about I thought I never would have thought about that but once I heard it I thought oh that makes perfect sense perfect sense he was he was pretty pretty great and Matt Damon was magnificent too that's He's a hell of an actor. He's so good. That's a talent. That's a Boston talent. Since I have two great mimics here with me, you want to try something fun? Yeah.

I'm Fred Travolina. And you're George Kirby. Oh, God, I can't even sit. This is a scene from— Does anybody have any sunglasses? You need some glasses? Yeah, I do. Can you see? Can you see?

Yeah, I can. Yeah. This is a little bit from A Star is Born. Gilbert, obviously, you're the James Mason. Yes. And Mario's going to do the Judy part. Just read the part in the box. Give me your glasses.

Let's see. Will that help? Literally? I can't see. Really? You printed it for a frigging... All right. Who printed this thing?

Seriously? I mean, I'm not that blind, but this is ridiculous. You guys suck. Can you make it? I'll try to fucking make it. This is for an aunt to read. It really is. Maybe Frank can print them bigger. No, never mind. There's no time for that now. Alright.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. A star is born. Okay. Okay, so Norman has finished looking through Esther's scrapbook. You know as much about me as I do myself, but you see how long it's taken me to get this far,

and now all I need is just a little luck. What kinds of luck? Oh, the kind of luck that every girl singer with a band dreams of. One night a big talent scout from a big record company might come in, and he'll make a record. Yes, and then? Well, the record will become number one on the hit parade and I'll

be played on the jukebox all over the country and I'll be made. End of dream. Don't say my lines, James. I'm very sorry. There's drunk. I'm very sorry. There's only one thing wrong with that. I know.

It won't happen. No, it might happen pretty easily, but the dream isn't big enough. Hello, Mr. Maine. You turn up in the strangest places. Don't I know. And you're cold, sober. That was great. That was great.

You make the most of it. He stepped on my line. I'll never work with you again. Oh, yes. My favorite part of that movie was when she's accepting the Academy Award. And he goes, congratulations, my dear. I seem to have made it just in time, didn't I? I had a speech all prepared in my head, but it seems to have gone out of it.

Well, there's no need to be formal. I know all of you want a first name, please. The point is I need a job. Yes, that's it. I need a job. And not just drama. I can do comedy as well. That's brilliant.

Nicely done. And then he hits her by accident. Yeah, he says, play something. And he swings his arm out and slaps. Well, my favorite was, the night gets bitter. The stars have lost

their glitter. The wind grows colder and shadows near you're older. And all because of the man that's got away. No more that old time thrill.

For you've been through the mill. The mill How Natural Love Will be the Shale I hear the trumpets. Oh, beautiful. Now, is there a big difference between the early young Liza Minnelli and

the old Liza Minnelli? Well, yeah, and I only do them towards the end. Like, I can do Judy, like, from, like, the late 50s on. Yeah. And Liza Minnelli and the old Liza Minnelli. Well, yeah, and I only do them towards the end. Like, I can do Judy, like, from, like, the late 50s on. Yeah. And Liza, yeah, well, Liza, she talks like this now. I'm still guessing. When she was younger, she just talked like this. Sterile Cuckoo.

You know, in New York, New York was one of my favorite movies. Jimmy, Jimmy, no. No, Jimmy. I love that movie. It's so flawed, but I love it. Was it Sterile Cuckoo where they did Come Saturday Morning? Yes, sure. Come Saturday morning.

I shoplifted that 45 from a store when I was a kid, and my sister made me take it back way with my friend. We'll Saturday spend till the end of the day. Just I and my friend. My friend. We'll Saturday. We'll Saturday. Oh, Saturday smile.

It's in our Saturday style. What the fuck were those lyrics? And then we'll move on. And we will remember long after Saturday's gone. Come Saturday. Maybe this time I'll be lucky. Different movie. My favorite cabaret.

Yeah, it's a great one. Maybe this time He'll stay You know Let it peaceful Let it happy You know, I was very close with Fred Ebb of John Kander and Fred Ebb

I'm a huge fan of Kander and Ebb I love John, he's a sweet man I was very close with Fred the last seven years of his life Now, do you believe the story that came out that Joel Grey is gay? He came out. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I can't buy it. Really? He's a pussy. He's a pussy. That man's a pussy. He's a major. That beautiful Jennifer Grey.

Yes. Oh, God. Oh, God. You know, they did a thing. It was very interesting on the Tonys last night. They introduced the musical Fun Home,

which is about a closeted father. And it was very funny that they kind of, you know, they did it as a reflection on their life, you know, comedically.

But it was really kind of cool that they did it that way, I thought. Sean Hayes from Will & Grace claims he's gay. I've seen him inside so many vaginas. More than my gynecologist.

You guys want to read this one? This is not one scene. This is just a little snippet of dialogue from the African Queen. Wait a second. I think you know which parts you're playing. The Queen. Wait a second. I think you know which parts you're playing. The Queen. Okay. Let her rip. Okay.

Just what's in the box. Okay, go ahead. We can't do that. How do you know? You never tried it. Well, yeah, but I never tried shooting myself in the head, neither. Okay, next scene.

What are you being so mean for, miss? A man takes a drop too much once in a while. It's only human nature. Nature, Mr. Alnott, is what we are put in this world to rise above. Well, I ain't sorry for you no more, you crazy, palm-shinging, skinny old maid. I beg your pardon. Great. That's great.

Okay, try this one. Oh, what's this one? Oh, this one in the bottom. Oh, this one in the... You know, I did the chicken cross the road? Oh. God has not forsaken this place, Mr. Allnut. Wait, we're reading two different ones.

Read what's in the circle. Oh. Okay. Oh, you didn't read what's in the circle. You didn't color in the lines. You know why did the chicken cross the road? Oh, are we reading that one? Okay.

Where is that? I don't even know where that is. In the square. Oh, it's in the bottom? Yes. Okay. Oh, okay. Oh, I beg your pardon.

Never mind, mish. Didn't we just do that one? You just did that one. Okay, go ahead. That's all right. This is what happens when you get older, Gilbert. All right, this one's going to throw you guys for a loop. Okay, oh.

Now, we're going to get creative. Oh. Yes. This is a scene from Driving Miss Daisy. Who am I playing? Julia Child. Oh, okay. And Gilbert.

Okay. You have your choice. It continues on the next page. You have your choice, Gilbert, of doing Peter Lorre or Jerry Seinfeld. Just have fun with it. Okay. So where is this? This is driving Miss Daisy.

At the bottom. It continues. Oh, okay. From here? I'm doing Julia Child? Okay. No, no, no. Wait, wait.

Oh, it's circled in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm Julia Child. Okay. Okay. Everybody's wishing the Georgia Power Company a Merry Christmas. Oh. You're good.

I bet Miss Florine got them all beat with a new house. Got them all beat with a new house. If I had a nose like Florence's, I wouldn't go around wishing anybody Merry Christmas. Yes, son. I tell you, I do enjoy Christmas at their house. Of course. You're the only Christian in the place. Well, they got they don't cook.

Floraine could never, never keep help. Of course, it's none of my affair. Too much running around, if you ask me. Oh, I was going to say, the garden club, this, the junior league,

that, as if any of them would give her the time of day, but she'd die before she fixed a glass of iced tea for the Temple Sisterhood. I just hope she doesn't get it into her head to sing this year. Oh, Lord, look at what Miss Florine done done. It's her grandfather, old man Firetag. If her grandfather, old man Firetag, could see this, what is it you always say? He'd jump up out of his grave and snatch her bald-headed. Jump out of his grave and snatch her bald-headed. Jump out of his grave and snatch her bald-headed.

Miss Daisy, you ought to go on away from here. All right, next time you need to print these bigger. I will do it. You're fired. This is the last one. Who printed them all? Another one so I can fucking go across. My wife printed them too small. Oh, okay. I'll blame it. You're fired. This is the last one. Who printed them all? Another one so I can fucking go across. My wife printed them too small.

I'll blame it on her. Here's the last one. Oh, my God. This one is... Okay, this is when Harry met Sally. All right. And we're going to do it as... Carol Channing?

Carol Channing and Herve Villachetz. Okay. All right. Let her rip. Go ahead. You realize, of course, that we could never be friends. Why not? What I'm saying is it is not a command in any way, shape, or form.

a man in any way, shape, or form is that men and women can be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. That's not true. I have a number of men friends, and there is no sex involved. No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, you don't.

Yes, I do. No, you don't. Yes, I do. You only think you do. You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you. They do not. Do do. They do not. Do do.

Do not. How do you know? How do you know? How do you know? How do you know? How do you know? How do you know? Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.

No. You pretty much want to nail them too. What if they don't want to have sex with you? Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that's the end of the story. Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. I guess not. That's too bad.

You were the only person I knew in New York. Oh, do it again. I may say ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, but do it again. She did that in Thoroughly Modern Miller. Oh, jeez. Oh, God. We never did Barbara Streisand and Walter Matthau. Oh, in Funny Girl.

Yes. I didn't print the dialogue. That's very funny. Unless you want to wing it. Yes. Mr. Stickfell. Mr. Stickfell. We'll do it next time.

I don't want to be in the finale. Oh, my God. That was funny. Oh, my God. That was exhausting. Oh, my God. That was exhausting. Really, really funny. I love you, Porgie. So we should wrap it up.

Really? What time is it? Oh, it's 7.23. You've got to go. You've got stuff to do. I can't believe we've been here for like, oh, it's almost. Oh, I got. Okay, here's one I'm just walking into.

What? Do you have anything you want to plug? Well, I am. I'm doing my concert, my one-man show with my band. You know, I have an opening number. I do a lot of musical stuff in my show. I'm not a pure stand-up like some. Yes, you do a different show.

I used to be, but I turned on myself. But I love music. Laugh-Hore had a lot of songs in it. Laugh-Hore had a lot of music in it, and my husband writes a lot of the original stuff. Jerry, give Jerry a plug. My husband, Jerry Dixon, he was an if-then on Broadway with the Delta zine, or a dina-dina-dina

zine. Yeah, he wrote me some good stuff. But yeah, I'm doing the Broward Center for the Arts, the Parker Playhouse, Fort Lauderdale, Saturday, June 13th. Sounds right.

Yeah, that sounds right. And so I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre and worldwide cunt hunter. Mario Cunt hunter canton wait I was supposed to send you out

with the Gidget theme song you want to take us out Gidget or Patty Duke your choice if you're in doubt about angels

being real I can arrange to change any doubt you'd feel where do you see my Gidget. You'll want her for your valentine. You're going to say she's all that you adore.

But stay away. Gidget is smoking for you. You're going to find that Gidget is mine. Wow. Thank you. Fantastic. Thanks for doing the show, buddy. I had the greatest time.

I can't believe it flew by like that. We love you. I know. Your beautiful wife is over there. Thank you, Frank. Brita Rosa and Nutmeg. Just, you know, he slept through the whole thing, but it was okay. I'm a lucky man.

I'm sitting here with two comedy geniuses. I'm very entertained. You're sitting here with one anyway. I don't know about Gilbert. Thanks again. I adore you guys. Thank you. Thank you.