Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 72. Howie Mandel

Episode Date: October 12, 2015

Gilbert and Frank travel to Radio City Music Hall to pay a backstage visit to comic, actor and TV host Howie Mandel, who discusses his numerous phobias and anxieties and looks back on his early days at LA's famed Comedy Store. Also, Howie jumps in a ditch, explains how to treat a gunshot wound and has a Brazilian wax named after him. PLUS: Allen Funt! "Gidget" redux! The tortured genius of Blake Edwards! Howie hangs with Mousie Garner! And the perils of political correctness! Our sponsor today is one of the premiere independent labels in the world, DFA Records, based out of downtown New York City and co-founded by James Murphy of LCD Soundsystem. DFA Records is proud and excited to release the second album from Greek singer songwriter production guru and all around genius savant, Larry Gus. His new album is entitled “I Need New Eyes." Visit the DFA online store @ http://store.dfarecords.com for more details and to order your copy today. and for 20% off your online order, use coupon code “GILBERT” on the DFA store. MeUndies is offering you TWENTY PERCENT off your first order at http://meundies.com/gilbert. That’s a special offer just for GGACP listeners. Make sure you go to meundies.com/gilbert to get twenty percent off your first order of underwear in tons of styles and colors. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In Season 3, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. That's the sound of unaged whiskey transforming into Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey in Lynchburg, Tennessee. Around 1860, Nearest Green taught Jack Daniel how to filter whiskey through charcoal for a smoother taste, one drop at a time. This is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell. To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com.

Tennessee sounds perfect. Today's episode is brought to you by MeUndies. Get 20% off your first order at MeUndies.com slash Gilbert. Our sponsor today is one of the premier independent labels in the world, independent labels in the world. DFA Records, based out of downtown New York City and co-founded by James Murphy of LCD Sound System. DFA Records is proud and excited to release the second album from Greek singer-songwriter, production guru,

and all-around genius savant Larry Gus. His new album is entitled I Need New Eyes. This new album sees Larry Gus moving slowly out of his sample-based roots and now using clearer songwriting structures as his starting point, his lyrics stare intensely into obsessions, anxieties, and inadequacies, while the music he makes takes on vibrant, sunny, psychedelic, pop, percussive, polyrhythmic drums, and multi-layered dense arrangements. Before many critics have compared Larry to everyone from Mad Lib to Caribou to Panda Bear, it is safe to say on this new album, Larry Gus has truly found a voice of his own. This fall, Larry will be on tour with the DFA alumni Yacht In October and November, playing both East and West Coast, as well as a very special performance at the DFA Halloween Party at Palisades in Brooklyn, New York, black vinyl, CD, and digital.

DFA Records has been releasing music since 2001, including such iconic indie dance bands as LCD, Sound System, The Rapture, Yacht, Holy Ghost, Hot Chip, Factory Flaw, and the Juan McLean. Visit the DFA online store at store.dfarecords.com for more details and to order your coffee today. And for 20% off your online order, use coupon code GILBERT at the DFA Store. I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast.

I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, at Radio City Music Hall, backstage from America's Got Talent. Our guest this week is comedian, actor, TV host, voice actor, end game show host who's appeared in hit TV shows. It's me. It's me. It doesn't matter. Nobody's writing this down. Who wrote that down? Who gave you that piece of paper you're reading?

Frank, I can tell it's not you. I want to just tell people who, you know, you're behind the scenes here at AGT. Gilbert, you are my absolute favorite comedian. I love you as a person. I've known you for years. But the thing is, and I would say yes to whatever you ever wanted me to do, but I have never been to a more complicated, different broadcast than this. He said, can we come backstage and do it?

There is a crew of nine. I'm not sure what anybody's doing. Somebody's just holding an iPhone up, and then we have a photographer for a podcast. Yeah. So you can see shots of this podcast. Audio only podcast. Okay. They set up.

They were looking for plugs. We didn't have enough pillows for Gilbert to start. Can we start? He goes, I need a pillow. His wife, Dara, gave him three pillows. We couldn't start. We were about to start. Then his wife said to him, Gilbert, do you have to make a pee-pee?

She did. She took you down the hall to pee-pee, which I thought was kind of nice and motherly and that. When you finished making a pee-pee, we were about to start, and she actually said to your co-host, Frank, do you have to go to the bathroom? He didn't have to go to the bathroom. And then Frank laid out, Frank has got an array of cards. He's really prepared.

I think he's been on Wikipedia for years. And wrote you, obviously, my bio for an intro. And you know how at the end of the day, guys wear pants longer than women wear pants. But sometimes I wear pants for three days and then my wife says, let's throw those in the laundry

and you empty shit out of the pockets. There's little crumpled pieces of paper and you don't know what those crumpled pieces of paper are. Somebody just walked in the room. You're with Frank? Do you have something to do with this podcast? Who are you?

I have no clue. I just turn up every time I do a podcast. That's our social media director. The social media director on time. That's great. Before you do any social media, do you have to pee? And I'm not asking for me. I'm asking for Gilbert's wife. All right.

So anyway, you know how you pull shit out of your, you don't even know. Since I was six years old, little boy, there's always shit in the bottom of my pocket. Little crumpled up pieces of paper. Tissues. And lint and shit like that. Gilbert takes out these little crumpled pieces of shit and lint and little piece of paper and puts a pile in the microphone,

and I go, what's that? And Frank said, that's his notes. That's what he prepared. It's a little shitty pile of garbage, and the stuff looks illegible. Did you go to, I didn't, so I'm not making fun. Did you go to college? No, no. You didn't? Yeah, no. Do you have to... I didn't, so I'm not making fun. Did you go to college? No.

You didn't? Yeah, no. Do you have a GED? No. I don't either. You don't? I don't have a... You didn't graduate high school?

No, I was asked to leave because when I see this pile of shit that you call preparation, it reminded me of my academic history. That looked like one of my projects. It's definitely what serial killers have. It does have that. When they go in and they look at the button, there'll be a head in the fridge and then there's that kind of shit taped to the wall.

The movie Seven? You've seen that? I did see Seven, but this is two. This is not even Seven. Are you ever going to look at any of those notes? I don't think so. But I love that about you. See, I found out a new thing. We're akin, you know, that's how I don't prepare for anything.

Yeah. I have nothing. That's why we can come backstage at AGT. This is the number one show on television, and I'm doing no preparation but watching you and your cohorts pee and take garbage out of their pockets. Are you comfortable? What are the pillows doing for you? What do they do on this podcast? Oh, this guy just showed up with a camera.

All right. It's okay. And you're a photographer? Yeah. Wow. It's a big operation. It is a big operation. When you see all these people who look like they know what they're doing

and these three little shitty pieces of paper, it reminds me of that song, one of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong. But then when I see the shit that you prepared and the nothing that's gone together, then it makes sense. When Dara says, do you have to pee now? And you don't say, yes, I have to pee. You go like you were reminded. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yes. Like if she didn't say that halfway through this podcast, there'd be a moistness that nobody would want. Thank God she reminded you. that nobody would want. Thank God she reminded you. Anyway,

sorry to interrupt my introduction, but you were a quarter way through. Should I continue? I don't know. How much did you write, Frank? You really overdid it. It's not that long. It is that long. It's not even on one card.

Look at this. Why don't you read it? Look at that. I will. Can you read it, my boss? I'll try to read it. This is it. Read it as me.

Our guest this week is a comedian, comma, actor, comma, TV host, comma, voice actor, and game show host who's appeared in hit TV shows like St. Elsewhere, Bobby's World, and The Allure No Deal, and in movies such as Little Monsters, Walk Like a Man, and Gremlins, playing everything from a monster. I got to pee. Can somebody take me to pee? Is my wife around? Can she take me to piss? Why would you ever think that this whole thing?

Well, you know, the guests honor us by coming on the show, and we like to repay the favor. Did you say your name? Nice intro. I'm Howie Mandel. Okay. Howie Mandel! Good. We like to respect the guests.

But there's so much work. He wrote it out. He wrote out a card, and the card is in, usually cards, these cards, are they 9 by 12, 9 by, 8 by. 8 by 11. 8 by 11s. But he turned it the 11 way. It's vertical. And then he spent some time with

some scotch tape. It's like a really special needs art project that you did. For one more sentence, you couldn't even change your font to get it on one card. When did you know you were going to make two cards? Did you take two blank cards, Frank,

and make the tape? Yes. The difference between... These are two guys that work together. You should put this on social media. But this is a guy who taped two cards.

And this is... Wow. What? Oh, my God. Are you dyslexic? Are you? I don't want to make fun, but your writing is... He's not. It's not even English.

I see OCD, trap, moosey... Moosey... I was trying to... Oh, Mousy Gardner. Mousy Gardner, yeah. Mousy Gardner. Moussy Gardner. That's all you prepared for me. OCD and Moussy Gardner.

My mental health issue and a guy we both worked with 26 years ago. And this guy, this is before the show starts. This is what he prepared. This was the... I'll do the introduction and I'll do the show, Gilbert said.

You don't know – you know, I hate that this is a podcast. This is better television than a podcast. But if you could see what I'm holding up and maybe you go – where do they go to see this? The podcast? Well, you have so many people with cameras and shit. Where do they see this? On our Facebook page or on Gilbert's website, gilbertgodfrey.com.

gilbertgodfrey.com. This is the content of the show. That's it. This is the introduction. Yeah. How long is each broadcast? We're a little out of balance. Somewhere between

an hour and hour and a half. This is an hour and a half. You also left this one out. You're shortchanging him, Howie. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at that. You know what's funny?

This makes so much sense to me. It really does. The warts, the cough when you saw me in Chicago. Oh, yes. Yes. Gremlins? Yeah. Gremlins.

With a B. Oh, my. Party. That's so weird that you're able to make sense of it no this makes sense this is how i write this is why i was asked to leave wow it's exactly you have whatever it is i have i was diagnosed with some shit but but i am uh yeah i couldn't write an essay never wrote an essay i couldn't even focus to read anything let alone write anything anything. So I don't have a GED. I don't have – I didn't go to – my kids are far more educated than I ever was.

But we did okay, huh? Not bad. One of my craziness of a million ones is if I've got socks that are the same color, I like to make them into a pair. Like if I've got a bunch of white socks. Isn't that what the factory does? Yeah, no. But rather than if you put them in a drawer. When you buy the socks.

Yeah, then they're a pair. Made by somebody else. Yeah. But if you get a bunch of socks that all look the same and they're in a draw, I don't like the idea of mixing one from one pair with the other. Nobody does. So what I do is...

People try to keep pairs together. Yeah, but I'll sew a dot with thread on the toe of my socks. No, you don't. No. Well, these already were a different type. They had something on them. These are the dotless socks. Yes.

Yeah. You sew. I sew a dot. Where do you get these dots? No. I mean, out of thread. I just start threading it. It's a black sock.

And it makes a dot. Okay. So I'll put a little thing at the toe. Oh, this is the black one with the black one, the red one with the red one, and it makes them into actual pairs.

I wish you could see Howie's reaction. Oh, my God. You actually get a needle and thread and sew yourself? Yes. And are your kids witness to this? Like, they say, oh, don't bother Daddy now. reaction oh my god you actually get a needle and thread and show yourself yeah and they're your kids witness to this like they're so don't bother daddy now he's he's the organizer he's now how did aside from germs uh you being a germaphobe uh aside from that what how has

ocd affected you well i have a lot of things. I have anxiety disorder. I have depression. I have... I'm affected by everything. I have no attention span. I... OCD specifically. OCD, the germaphobe, is such a small...

Yeah. Weird, you know, and it's only... I can't touch other people's hands. Yeah. I can touch everything else. I have three children and I didn't...

I did it without even touching your hands. You changed diapers, assumedly. Pardon me? You changed diapers. I'm wearing diapers. I'm totally potty trained. Your children. I get it.

What I was doing there was comedy. I know I don't look prepared, but I did change. So you're – Yeah, no, I'll change diapers. Though I think I've told this story before. I am a germaphobe a little bit, and I've got to, you know, and with all my issues, for me, comedy has been a great bridge. You know, and all kidding aside, well, I don't. I want to keep it in the middle.

But it's where I, you know, I wasn't functioning. I couldn't go to school. I didn't have any friends. I wasn't functioning. I couldn't go to school. I didn't have any friends. So just my own sensibility and my own sense of humor was what kept me alive. I don't have one friend from when I was a kid. And when you're strange and when you're different as a child, I think what people want to do is they want to conform. Everybody wants kids. They want to dress.

They want to have the same shoes their friends have. They want to act. I wasn't like a wisecracker where somebody would say I'm really funny. I was more of just a standout. I was in high school. I was 4'9 or 10, 89 pounds, so girls didn't want to meet me. I was like a dwarf. I was like a Keebler elf.

You need me to be a little closer? You could say it out loud. It's okay. People know other people are here. We're not doing this ourselves. I was getting a signal from the sound guy, and I was supposed to know what the signal meant. If you have signals, we could have gone over it beforehand,

and you shouldn't have a signal by yourself. You should share that. That's like having one walkie-talkie i'm just looking at you and i didn't know whether to answer to you because it could have but anyway i was telling i was right in the middle of a horribly sad story so good timing but i was a i was a i was a little weird outcast who had mental health issues and didn't get along with people didn't get along in school there are kids that remember it as funny now because when you put it in perspective the things that i did were funny the only uh show i related to and i that got laughter in the house and my parents kind of i i understood it was candid camera because alan funt who was my god i'd

watch it on sunday night i'd see him he kind of like took the audience in on the joke he goes here's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna uh tie a rope to this desk and we're gonna tell the lady that she's got to answer the phone and every time the phone rings and she goes to answer it we're gonna pull the desk away and wait till you see what happens we couldn't wait for it and every time they pulled the desk away and I saw the lady's face, I was hysterical. And so were my parents. I thought,

I said, this is comedy. This is, so I want to go to school and do that, but I don't think things through, but I didn't have an audience. So I would like do things like, um,

because I just thought it was weird. I would, we'd have math on the second floor and, uh, of the school. And I would purposely arrive 10 minutes late. I'd find the ladder from the custodian's office. And I would climb up, knock on the window.

The teacher would come incredulously to the window, open the window. I'd crawl in seriously, just go sit down at my desk like nothing happened. And everybody just sat quietly. Nobody laughed. It's weird. I like the weirdness, but it didn't gain me friends. So those are the kind – eventually I got asked to leave the school. My behavior was not –

Did you do something posing as a school board member? Something about a – I didn't pose as a school board member. I posed as myself because that was funny. I called – through the yellow pages. I called a construction company. And I said, I'm getting bids on an addition onto the library at our school. And I gave them – I made an appointment. And I thought it was funny even to give my – I'm Howie Mandel.

And if you need anything, just ask for me. And it was fun to sit in class and look out the window. And these guys were out there measuring. And then I could see – I couldn't hear anything. But then I could see from the window i was laughing alone just alone and the and the principal goes out and i see the principal talking to them and and i'm i assume the principal said what are you doing and they said we're bidding on the addition and he would probably say who authorized this and they would say well we have the name howie mandel and then I see the principal go back in the office.

Then you hear over the PA system, well, Howie Mandel, please come to the office. And then I would be called to the office. I find this funny alone. I don't know. My mom and my wife to this day always say, but Howie, I get it's a joke. But who are you entertaining? You know, so I would sit down. The principal would say, did you authorize an addition onto the library?

I said, no, I did not. I'm getting three bids. And then he would say, well, just, could you just stay here? And they'd call my parents. And my parents would come in, and he'd explain to my parents in front of me, you know, your son is authorizing getting bids on an addition to the library. And I could see my mother's this is what i lived for my mother's lip would quiver and she'd be biting her lip like you don't want to laugh because this was she was called in to discipline me but i don't know what they expected her to say

we told him never to put an addition on to our school or and i knew this was funny and it was funny in my own little world but it was just funny for me you know and i made that adage that every comic you've heard years years for years and years if i could just make one person laugh i think i'm doing my job i think for two decades that one person was just me you know nobody else was laughing but i i just i entertained myself it was tough but it got me through i thought it was funny and i was focused on being funny and weird and different, because if you looked at how I was dealing academically or socially, it was tragic. So there's a thin line between tragedy and comedy, you know. And now I is it true that you shaved your head because of your germ thing?

No. I shaved my head originally because I got a part in a movie and I was going to be a bad guy. And, you know, bad guys are bald guys. Oh, yes. Yeah. I really thought that through. But I wanted to shave my head because I thought it would be cool. But then when I shaved my head, I realized this feels so clean. It feels like the first thing that's dirty that makes you,

I take three, four showers a day. The first thing that feels dirty is your hair feels a little greasy or you get up in the morning and it's, you know, even if you're clean, your hair gets dirty before you, it just seems so clean. So it was, uh, it, I kept it because of cleanliness. And then the problem was, so I didn't know where to stop shaving. You know, I was shaving my face, and then I was, you know, I had no sideburns, and I played with it. Like, when I shaved it, I made head art. You know, first

I shaved just the middle, and I made myself Larry Fine. And the three stooges. And then I shaved the back out, and the thing, and then I was Princess Leia. And then I shaved the back out and the thing. And then I was Princess Leia. And then I shaved it off. And then I shaved my face. So it's just like I have a big face now.

And then I noticed I had hair on my neck and it wasn't stuff. So I shaved my neck and then it looked like I had a hair dickie. I didn't know where to stop. And to this day, in the shower, I just shave everything. There's no place to stop. You didn't ask me that so you shave your private parts yeah now oh now here's good question this brings me this i surprisingly i didn't draw a little picture of a dick in my notes too much effort for him. Now, I heard, well, you for a while used to have like a little thing under your lip of whiskers.

Yeah, okay. Like a goat chip. Like a what? Like a goat chip. That's what they call that. A goat chip? Yeah. No, they don't.

Yeah, sure. Soul patch. Goat chip? I've heard both. I've never heard goat chip. I'm older than you. Darren, bear me out. Where are you? It was kind of like. Go never heard goat chip. I'm older than you. Darren, bear me out.

Where are you? It was kind of like... Goatee is here. It's on the chin. This is a soul patch. Yeah, soul patch. Goat chip is wrong. All right.

The guy who's done all the research... We'll Google it. He does the research if it gets it all wrong. Are you Googling now, the sound guy with the signals? Google it. You see goat chip? Goat chip to me would be a piece of shit in a field of a shepherd.

Don't step in the goat chip. And that's not what was under my lip. I would never put goat shit on my face. I thought of it as a Hitler mustache. Too low? Yeah, hanging low Hitler? No, what it was is because when I shaved my head, originally

people were saying to me, I'd walk in because I think, oh, you're going to say I'm bald. And I didn't get the connotation right away. And they went, are you okay? So they thought I had chemo. Oh, jeez. So they thought. So then I grew a little piece of goat shit under my lip. So that is it.

I see you looking. I'm looking for it. If you have to look this long things come up this fast there's no goat but anyway I grew the hair just so people wouldn't say you're sick in Ireland it's not in Ireland

Google that's the world wide web person where did you hear it that's a goat chip you know Gil when you look good you feel great yes it's a cliche but it's true like when I You know, Gil, when you look good, you feel great. Yes. It's a cliche, but it's true. Yes. Like when I walk in here and I see you, you greet me and I come off the elevator and you're wearing stolen bathrobe and slippers from the MGM Grand. Yeah, that's the way I look good.

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No, this is, yes, I know what you're talking about. The biggest honor I've had. You know, I got on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which was nice. I got in Canada in the Canada's Walk of Fame. But the most prestigious thing I ever saw is when Deal or No Deal came out. Deal or No Deal was huge at the moment. It was probably the biggest success I've had in my career. You know, it was the game show.

Everybody was saying Deal or No Deal. And my wife's friend went to one of these lady places where they do electrolysis and waxing and whatever. And there's a menu that you can – that women look at. I'm talking to photographers. Is there a menu at those places? Yeah. So you choose. Like the Brazilian men.

Yes, right. Goat ship. Yeah. Goat ship. Do you have goat shit there? Yeah. If you have a goat ship there, you're wiping the wrong direction. Okay. They remove hair from – Wait, wait. there, if you have a goat chip there, you're wiping the wrong direction.

They remove hair from... Wait, wait, you got something? Goat? Goat chop. Just go ahead. So this hair place that does Brazilian waxes and everything. The runway? Yeah, oh, the runway

wax. But they... I know, your wife is signaling for the hearing impaired. This is closed caption, your podcast. She's signaling with the shape of a runway on a vagina. Yeah.

Yes. I know what it was. I'm just, but anyway, the Howie Mandel. Yeah. So they had the Howie Mandel, that shape of the thing under my lip where you could go in when Deal or No Deal was at its height,

women could go into the waxing place and order the Howie Mandel on their vagina, which I thought was better than putting your hands in cement at Man's Chinese Theater. That's an honor. Except for my son, and they said that a lot of people were asking for it because it's kind of a neat

look it looks like exactly like my face except that the mouth was vertical instead of horizontal has a goat chip come in your way? did it come in? I'm passing it off

go ahead Frank, what are you reading there? chin puff what is this? chin puff? chin strip? Go ahead, Frank. What are you reading there? What is this? Chin puff? Chin strip? Facial hair. Where does it say goat chip? It doesn't.

The chin of a goat. That's the best you could do for me? The chin of a goat. No, I didn't have that. Anyway, you're just wrong. So I was thinking that my son, who is active and dating, you met him, he's here today. I thought, if this takes off, how horrible, I mean, I was honored, but

how horrible would it be for a young man to get a young lady home and, you know, work diligently at getting her pants down, her pants come down, that's the last place you want to see, Dad! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha come down, that's the last place you want to see Dad! Dad! You know, but

I don't know if they still do that. I shaved it off. This is a Brazilian. You can call that a Brazilian now is what I have. So you had your face on girls' vaginas for a while. I did. God knows I tried. Now, is it true you used

to pee in your pants? You said that. Yes. Because I didn't want to... Well, no. Didn't everybody at some point... Well, yes. No, I'm talking about past the point. I told you I used to pee in my pants.

Well, you didn't tell me personally. I thought you were on a talk show. I was on a talk show and I peed in my pants? I don't know that story. I don't know that story. The McNair-Lair report, I think you are on. I peed on the McNair-Lair report. Yeah, yeah, sorry.

I'm sure I have peed in my pants. I don't remember telling the story. But was it a good story? If you remember, why don't you look through your notes, Gilbert, and tell me where you heard the story about me peeing in my pants. I remember. I remember that. Okay. I remember telling a story in my book.

Yes. That when one time I didn't want to go into the bathroom and I was trying to hold it in when I was a little boy in school. Yeah. And I couldn't hold it in when i was a little boy in school yeah and i couldn't hold it in so i had a i peed in my pants and but i didn't want anybody to know i peed in my pants so i ran a half a mile away from the school and jumped in a ditch came back to school with my pants all wet and i was and it was more wasn't embarrassing to tell people that i had fallen in a ditch two miles from the school in no direction of my home. How did I fall? Where did I slip and roll two and a half miles in no particular direction

to fall into a ditch? Is that the story? Yes. Okay. That's some research you've done, Gil. Now, what's funny, like before, and this is so strange, that you were looking at my notes that nobody can make head or tail out of. I understand every note you've made. Yes, yes.

I know every note. You want to go through that? You start to pee. You know what's next? Yes. The warts. Yes. Tell us about the warts.

Okay. This is so weird. No, I can barely decipher my own notes. No, I can barely decipher my own notes. Actually, the words in my therapy, this is what my psychiatrist believes was the trauma that started my OCD, my anxiety disorder. So I went to Florida with my parents, and I was sitting on the sand, and apparently a sandfly bit me and laid eggs in my skin. I didn't know. It got like stung, but I didn't know that. So I had like these little, it looked like a mosquito bite, right?

And is that the story? There's another one. There's another one. Are you talking about the Purell? Yes, yes. I'll tell both of these. Tell both. Okay, so I have a lot of wart stories.

Okay. A lot of people have war stories. I have wart stories. Because I go to parties with what are skin doctors called? Dermatologists. Dermatologists. That's where I like to party. I like to party.

So other people go tell war stories. I go out with dermatologists and tell them wart stories and other kind of uh infections but anyway the warts that you're talking about real quickly are i used to use purell because i used to uh shake everybody's hand when i did it and i used to use purell so much so that um i even in the talk show which you did were kind enough to do when i had a talk show in the 90s when when people would come on, I would dip my hands into a bucket of Purell. And I also had – my friend who's a surgeon gave me that betadine that they use to scrub up before they do surgery and I did that. And then what happened is I started noticing warts all over my – I was getting warts.

So I went to a dermatologist and the dermatologist explained to me that I had killed all the antibodies, even the good bacteria, so much so that when I touched a door now, that bacteria would just infect me and I would get warts. So I don't use antibacterial anything, antibacterial anymore. So I just don't touch anything. But I don't use antibacterial. But the story that I was telling you, because there's another story. I got more awards. Would you like to hear an awards story? Or I have a pussing boil song.

I also have an anal fissure poem. It would be nice if we could ask you a show business question at some point during the interview. This is all show business. Oh, wait. I mean show business at a worth. Can we talk about this one? What's that? That's show business.

Yeah. I was on the road in Chicago. Okay. And I listened to the radio and I hear you. Were you on the radio? I was on the radio. I was working in Chicago. I had a club.

Doing show business. Yeah, yeah. Comedy. Doing show business. We were both on tour doing comedy. Making money. You. You show business. Comedy. We were both on tour doing comedy. Making money. I'm like, I'm doing today. There's no money in this

podcast, right? We apologize. If you paid me, you couldn't afford a staff like this. The fact that you can't pay a guest. That's show business. You have a staff of 30 here. There's a guy still. The guy with the camera.

I'm still looking for a goat job. But this. What is that? 16 different types of facial hair on Wikipedia. And look who they have for the. Soul patch. Yes. You know that I'm also.

There's an 80s book if you find on the mullet. I'm in the mullet book too. Yeah. I believe that. I'm thinking of growing back a mullet. But anyway. I was on the radio. I said Gilbert. Yeah. You're in town. I'm right down the street. I'm thinking of growing back a mullet. So I was on the radio. I said, Gilbert.

Yeah. You're in town. I'm right down the street. I'm at the hotel. And you were promoting your book on being a germaphobe in Chicago. Well, the book is on me. Yes. I just happen to be a germaphobe.

Yeah. But you were talking about it a lot on the radio. I'm talking about it a lot on this podcast. Yes. But so, okay, go ahead. I said, come on over for lunch. I'll meet you in the lobby. And I'm thrilled to see my friend.

We're on the road. We're nowhere. And Gilbert comes in. I give him a little hug. He sits down. We order a tea. And he proceeds to hawk a loogie. He calls it a cough.

There was, he had, the sound came out of him and he told me this. Oh, I'm telling you you never heard a cough. You know how old people are? I'm telling you pieces of his ass were coming up it was so deep. It was phlegm and bile

and shit and I thought it was like, I looked, I said, what is that? He goes, I got a little cough. A little fucking cough. It was like Typhoid Mary was sitting with me. I freaked out. I got in a hot sweat. You wrapped a scarf around your face.

I had a scarf because it was winter months. I wrapped a scarf around. I looked like it was Taliban and a lung cancer patient sitting together. And you were saying, what are you, sick? Right. And you go, no, it's just a little. But you never heard anything.

You can't. I can't even recall. That sounds like health compared to what I saw. Yes. I was that gurgling cough. Yeah. And I remember you telling me this. Don't worry.

It's good. As long as it's loose. As long as it's loose. You said if it's loose, I'll worry if it tightens up. But as long as it's loose, I'm in a good shape. I'm at the end of it now. And I'm thinking like,

am I supposed to think, oh, thank God, it's all loose. It's heading my way. Yeah. And you don't, you just, and when you coughed, your mouth, your jaw dropped open, and it was just...

It was one of those... You could see the upholstery from the chair he was sitting in getting sucked up his ass. He had such a deep cough. And my whole body would quiver. And mine did, too, out of fear. Like I was having an epileptic fit when I was coughing. How long did you have that for? I had it a while.

And I remember you were turning your head and I was saying, you think by turning your head you're getting away from the earth? Yeah, you said nothing comforting. Yes, yes. And I remember you just said, fuck you, Gilbert. Yeah, fuck you. People are stupid when they're sick. And you're stupid too.

What are you doing out? Why wouldn't you say you've known me for 30 years? I have a cough. I'll see you another time. Or let's talk on the phone. That would have been the... Or let's just sit back to back and reminisce. Why would you do it?

You're like the fucking... Back to back. Yeah. A lunch where you sit back to back. We're talking. It doesn't matter whether we... I don't need the face. He's a vessel of phlegm.

It's like that fucking nurse who was looking after Ebola patients going, is it okay if I take a fucking cruise? I called the doctor. They said, is it okay if I take a cruise? That's the same thing as him showing up to me, the germaphobe, with this. Could we segue into show business? You were twisting in a ball. The fetal position.

Yeah. You still know how to treat a gunshot wound to the chest, I understand. I do. For six years, I played a doctor. Maybe that made me a germaphobe. I played a doctor on St. Elsewhere. And the shit that you have to remember sticks in your head and doesn't go away. So I still know what to do.

It's D5 lactated ringers, colloids, O negative blood, an intubation tray with a 20-sum... What is ringing? Did you hear that beeping sound? But when you moved your ass... It's your camera. It's your social media guy. Start all over. Give us the whole thing. Okay.

When you played Dr. Fiscus. Yes. How come your social media guy has a beeper? Nobody has carried a beeper since 1974. This is the guy they have on social media. He's got a beeper and a boombox. He can't hear me because his Walkman is on. Poor Darren.

But here's what you do to a gun. This is in my head. I can't get it out. I don't know. I'll never be able to use this, but it's D5 lactated ringers, colloids, O-negative blood, an intubation tray with a 22-centimeter endotracheal tube, an open thoracotomy drain, two number 16 central intravenous catheters, and a mass suit stat. Now, why does that need to be in my head?

I remember learning it, and you know what the thing was? The thing was that I got to a point where I really believed, after six years on a medical show, that I could help people. And people would actually come up. When you play a doctor on TV, people believe. They don't know the difference between reality and fantasy of television. So people would come up to me and go, I love your character. Can I be honest with you? I have, there's like, I don't know if I'm chafed.

I don't know. They'd start telling me their problems. Like I'm going to. That's kind of like how they used to have that commercial where it goes, I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV. Yeah, it's ridiculous. Yeah. I mean, I find commercials on TV, anything medical is ridiculous anyway now, especially now. And I think it's a great fodder for a lot of comedians who talk about, you know, first of all, I think half the diseases are made up.

Well, maybe they're not and I shouldn't knock them, but restless leg syndrome. Gilbert has that. He suffers from that. No, maybe it's real. And if you're out there and you're Gilbert Godfrey fan and you're sitting there shaking a leg, I apologize. But how would you even know? Because I'm hyper and I'm always tapping my foot. And my wife, like your wife, says, do you have to pee? Except mine, it's never. No, but it's never no.

It's because I'm always jumping around and moving my leg. But I didn't know there was a syndrome and there was something to take. So there's a pill now that you could take for restless leg syndrome, but then by law, you have to get the possible side effects. Side effects. Oh, yeah. That's always the weird, I mean, it's always made fun of,

but it's so insane. They play like really pretty music and they're dancing around on the sand and running on the beach. And they're talking about how you could have a stroke. You can go blind. Right. You can go blind. You can have a stroke.

You will lose all motor skills. Incontinence. Incontinence. You'll have that. But your leg will be as still as a tree. So who cares? Good news and bad news. Can we ask you about some of the actors you worked with on Say No Swear?

You want to? Frank prepared so much. We don't have to. We're not even, let's go to some of these. Or we do a whole show about body fluids. I understand all these questions. He does, you know what's really funny? There is probably more content in this than there is in all of this.

Possibly. Quite possibly. Yes, his little page. Finally someone who understands me. This is so insane. But you cut a piece of a script. A script, yes. What was this a script for?

I'll get a script and I'll just use it for scrap paper. Because you don't want to pay for new paper. Yeah, why pay for a pad? He hands him a photo and walks off with the baby. This is the part of Steve. Were you reading for the part of Steve? I don't think I was Steve in this. Steve says, don't really care. Can I see if I

can work out which one this was? Yes. Let's see. So they say, Gilbert, we're doing a television show. We're doing a movie. Can we send you a script? You say, yeah, I got a podcast. I need more paper. Send it right over.

I know it obviously had a brick starter guy. What's a brick starter? I have no idea. It's not even a brick layer. But I guess I was in this. You were Steve. Yeah. Is it Cyber Chase?

Or the brick later. It's not a brick layer. It's a brick starter. Now, you worked with Mousy Gardner. There you go. That's right. It says on your note. That's right there. Yes. How are you following this shit? with Mousy Gardner. There you go. Yeah, that's...

Right there. How are you following this shit? Mousy Gardner was in a video that I did, the Watusi tour, and I was fascinated by the guy because I love the Three Stooges, and he was the last living connection to the... Wasn't he... I think he was in their Vaudeville show. I believe he was.

He was in their Vaudeville – he's no longer with us. No, he passed. He passed. But he's a real – he was – I'm fascinated by that era. I'm fascinated by those people and if I just meet somebody who had something to do with the – You're our second guest to work with Mousy Garner. Who was the first? Josh Mostel in the Stooge Mania movie.

Wow. And I think Mousy Garner was with Sammy Wolf in like the Gentlemaniacs. Who is Sammy Wolf? He's the father of Warner Wolf. The sportscaster Warner Wolf. And he was a Stooge. Really? Yeah, they never got as famous as the famous Stooges.

Well, there was five famous Stooges, right? Yeah. Well, yeah. Moe, Larry, Curly, Shemp. Shemp. And Joe Derita. Oh, well, six. Joe Derita.

Yeah. And those are the only ones I know. Yeah. Yeah. Hi. You're playing back the podcast? Wow. This crack team that you've got.

One of the guys that is here recording the podcast decided it's ended. He's editing this. I don't even know if you're going to ever hear this part. But he put on headsets and then played it back for us. There have been more interruptions than an actual interview during this interview. You know what's weird? Because we're in my dressing room at Radio City Music Hall. I'm about to go on at AGT.

And I said to them, the door was wide open when they started. And I said to Frank and Gilbert, should I close the door? And they go, yeah, that would be great. And I close the door. Nobody's even near my hallway. There isn't the sound and radio. All the noise. The social media guy is beeping.

The tech guy who said get closer to the mic. He's worried about sound. He's doing some sort of playback from two podcasts ago. Is this what? All the noise is in here. I get it. You wanted the door closed so we don't disturb the America's Got Talent production. I'll see Garner fans.

50 interruptions to this show about, I think we found something about a chip, a goat chip. Yeah, here's the closest I got. I got a goat chin. Want to read about the goat chin? Like they would interrupt a story. This just in. What is amazing about this whole process is this is the only thing that has made sense.

This is linear. And when I say this, I'm holding up Gilbert's scribblings. And I swear to you, I'm not making a joke here. He is kept in perfect order of everything he has prepared, every question he has done. He knows that there is a story. He's a spelling of gremlins. It doesn't matter the spelling. Spelling doesn't count.

He didn't do it like you with spell check. I know what it is. He knows what it is. It's the way I spell, you know, and this is brought to you by the less you know. It's the opposite of what NBC promotes. Kids, stay out of school. Speaking of classic. Because the two kids that stayed out of school here are able to get this done from beginning to end.

Everybody else who's all these tech people are really fucked up. It wasn't worth staying in college, doing prep. I know. Have you even looked at one fucking card? All the effort. How come no other card except my introduction is taped together? Well, I managed to squeeze...

Speaking of the Do the Watusi video, I think Gilbert would find it interesting that there are midgets in it. That it ends with... Little people. Yes. Well, he likes to... I like midgets. He likes midgets. He prefers midgets. You don't say that. Oh, midgets, midgets, midgets. I just said it. No, you don't. No one's listening to the show. No, he likes to. I like midgets. He likes midgets. He prefers midgets. You don't say that. Oh, midgets, midgets, midgets.

I just said it. No, you don't. No one's listening to the show. No, you don't. You don't say that. Little people. They're not. They're not midgets.

They're not midgets. Now, what's the difference? What if, though, I want, you know what I wanted to do once? I wanted to do a remake of Gidget with a midget. Gidget? With a midget. About a young girl on the beach.

A short young woman at the beach. What's that song? What was the song from that show? Oh, I forget how that went. I'm sure they'll be into it. See, I wish to God

you hadn't said that because now they'll be coming in with, well, here's one version of this song and here's one version of the song and here's another when we just found this one really you're getting it with you think that we're gonna generate some mail the gilbert gottfried amazing colossal podcast producer of the month is DFA Records. Thank you, DFA Records. Be just like DFA Records and get rewarded for supporting our podcast. Head over to patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried.

For a set amount each month, you can get some colossal benefits, such as access to new podcast episodes before anyone else, early access to tickets to live podcast tapings, exclusive video hangouts, and just added, I will record a personalized roast of you and only you so you can share with your friends me telling you what a schmuck you are. Well, I don't have to join Patreon for that. And you don't have to pay me either because you are a schmuck.

That I do for free. I want no money. That's my, I just speak the truth. I'm so blessed. You are a schmuck. So go to Patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried. That's Patreon. P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Gilbert Gottfried.

Thank you for your generosity. And thank you, DFA Records. Now, you just got in trouble. I did. Yeah, tell us what you got in trouble. You wouldn't understand what that's like, would you? No, I... Thank God I've stayed out of the press.

It's really amazing now. And all kidding aside, you know, I got in trouble and I apologized. You apologized for like nine months. I love that. I followed you on Twitter. Every joke was an apology. I do a knock-knock joke and then apologize to doors that I've knocked on. Yes.

But, you know, we live in a time now where, you know, they call it social media. And it's not really, you know, Media used to be you had a media pass where you were somebody who worked for some sort of publication that had credentials. You had a reason to be there. And now you could be in your underpants in your room with an iPhone and you're part of the social media.

So you can create a firestorm and move the needle. Which is really scary for us. When I say us, us as comedians and people in show business, but more importantly comedians because, you know, when you and I were coming up, the way you write comedy, the way it's not like you write music, not like you write a movie, not like you write a TV show, not like you practice acting, not like you do anything, it like you write a movie, not like you write a TV show, not like you practice acting, not like you do anything. It's by trial and error. And we used to be able to go to the comedy store where nobody would – or improv or wherever you were, catch here or wherever you were.

And nobody – there weren't even recording devices. But you can go on stage and we could talk about our epic fails where know where i went on one night and you were always very controversial which was wonderful and you're known for pushing the limit and that's what got you a career that's what got you a name that's what everybody loved about you by the same token you were responsible enough to get on as we all were to get on on national television and do things and we understood we're not idiots we understood the line that we wouldn't cross. And sometimes we did cross the line and there was a little news about it, but you'd apologize and you worked with these people.

And now what happens is on social media and on television, we will say things as comedians and granted, you know, we have, there is no intention to hurt somebody's feelings. And I feel like if I've hurt somebody's feelings, then I should apologize because that's not my intention. My intention was to try to be funny, to try to get a laugh. If it didn't get a laugh, I'm probably going to suffer more for it. If you suffer for it because you are offended by it, now, and if one or two people are offended by it, I said something. And, you know, I have mental health issues.

I said something about an eating disorder. There's nothing funny about an eating disorder. But the truth of the matter is that comedy does come from a dark place. No comedy comes from a positive place. If you're laughing, even a little kid who goes to see a clown fall down and everybody

laughs, you're laughing at the clown's misfortune. You're laughing at somebody else's ineptness. When two guys walk into a bar, something shitty happens to one guy and that's why you're laughing. And if you look at the oldest vaudeville, a pie in the face, you're laughing at an embarrassing somebody's suit is ruined, they're squirting seltzer on them.

It's always bad. So if you realize that it always comes from negative, that's why it's called a sense of humor. Comedians find humor and have a sense of humor comedians find humor in and have a sense of humor in a place that is not funny a bad relationships awkward moments scary things illnesses mental health that's the seed for all comedy for me laughter has gotten me through and and given me the ability to just even really survive.

And beyond making a living and being a comedian, if I wasn't laughing at half the shit that's horrible in my life, I would be crying and probably, you know, end it. But the truth is I laugh at it. But now that I've opened and like you have opened ourselves up in social media and we try our comedy. We're not just on stage, but we'll try something. Maybe we miss. Maybe it misfires. The slapback is beyond anything I could ever comprehend. It's beyond. It's so painful.

It hurts. We lose jobs. We humiliate ourselves. We have to apologize. And kind of, kind of, I'm not saying we should be able to do it but it kind of takes away the art of comedy and the art of comedy is that freedom like a painter has to throw any color on a canvas and if the color doesn't look good he can throw another color on top and shade it and make that painting but a comedian can't he throws that canvas out there and everybody goes fuck you you're fired goodbye you offended and as a person

who is i think most of us who are comedians are somewhat sensitive you know i apologized and i'm sorry if i offended people and i understand the the tragedy the tragedy connected to mental health i deal with it each and every day and and I didn't intend on doing that. But I felt responsible as a broadcaster to apologize because there are people that say I shouldn't apologize. I will apologize to anybody whose feelings I hurt. But I'm more concerned about people getting hurt over something. I guess it's not good enough anymore to go, just joking.

I'm not serious. And, you know, what's funny about it is like when Karen Carpenter died, you know, she had an eating disorder, the singer of the Carpenters. What's funny about it? Yeah, well, no, but everybody, everybody in the street, all the good people were saying stuff like, oh, you know, if Mama Cass gave her ham sandwich to Karen Carpenter, both

of them would be alive. Right. And what's Karen Carpenter's phone number? Eight nothing, eight nothing, eight nothing. Right. And those are jokes that the public was using and it was acceptable. We're in a different day and age now, and that is that we have given power to people that really don't know what to do with that power. You could light a firestorm with words. You could not at that could light a firestorm with some with words you could not at that time light a firestorm you know i would imagine that even in that day when people were making the

karen carpenter joke and that was the day what days when we were coming up um i'm sure that they bumped into somebody who went well that's not right you know my sister has an eating disorder she almost died and i don't i don't uh appreciate that joke And you'd go, sorry, I didn't mean to tell the joke. I remember we used to do a joke like that, not like that, in schoolyards. And I think everybody did this. But they would say, go up

to Gilbert and tell him that you met your retarded friend. That you have a retarded friend. I know this one. So you would go up to Gilbert and this is in the schoolyard, four or five years old and you'd go, hey Gilbert, I met my retarded friend. And the joke was, because you were

in on it, Gilbert would go, that's not funny. My brother's retarded. And then we would the person would feel bad, right? We all did that joke, right? There was also like hey, I heard your sister's a good dancer. And you go, you know, my sister had her legs amputated.

I get that one too. Right. But you remember, I think every kid remembers doing it. What school did you guys go to? Frank, I'm telling you, I'm from Canada. He's from New York. Everybody our age heard those kind of jokes. And it was about, the joke was about saying something that you didn't realize.

You were trying to say something funny because somebody sent you over and you jokingly offended them. You know, you didn't know it was a joke and you would go, sorry, I don't know, you told me to say it, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

You know my sister's dead. But you know that it would be stopped right there. If that happened publicly, like on a podcast or something, and you do it, it would be tasteless because people would write in and go, you know what? My sister does have a double amputation, and it's not funny.

And I agree with you. It's not funny. It's not funny to you, and you don't have to enjoy it. But we are coming to a point where we have to stop doing what we do. And you know what? First and foremost, first, you know, you cut off our legs as far as being artistic and, and being funny. And, but more importantly, you're cutting off, uh, your access to comedy because as people get more and more frightened to do what Gilbert and I do, and less people are doing it, I think the world

suffers. We suffer first because we lose jobs and we won't do it and we can't show up and we don't say it and we edit ourselves. But the world loses because I truly believe this sounds so corny, but laughter is the best medicine and you got to be able to laugh at the darkest moments. You know, the hardest day of my life was the day I buried my father. The funniest moments that I've ever experienced happened in that day. And when I tell those stories to my close friends, we are hysterical in tears. But I get it that some people can't find... I think most of the world does not have a sense of humor. And that word sense is to be able to find the humor where other people don't think it is unless it's like i don't like jokes because they're fake it's a rhythm and people go

you got you want to hear a funny joke i don't want to hear a funny joke but if you tell me something that sounds like it's real that's what i laugh at and and i always notice too at a funeral you'll always see one person lean over to the other person sitting there with a smirk on their face like they're saying something. And the other person will cover their face so they can't see them laughing. And they go, oh, stop it. Stop it. That's awful. Right.

And that's part but that feeling of being – of holding it in and you're not supposed to do it makes it more titillating, makes it more exciting, makes it more – it's kind of like – You're going in a dark place. You're going in a dark place and that makes for better comedy, doing it where you're not supposed to do it. It's almost like sex in public where you don't do it. It makes it more titillating. It makes it more – and people will do it, but they keep it amongst themselves. But in this day and age of social media, we can't share that. And we

used to be able to share it. I remember getting up, I watched, one of my biggest influences in how I work and write comedy right now is Richard Pryor. And when I first, in the late 70s, when I first came to Los Angeles and I went to the comedy store, I watched Richard Pryor every single night

get up on stage and put together what later became Live on the Sunset Strip, his movie. But I watched him work every night and nobody pushed the envelope, especially at that time, more than Richard Pryor.

Really, he pushed it, but it comes from a dark place. It was after he got burned, he pushed it, but it comes from a dark place. That one's after the accident, isn't it? It was after he got burned. He was talking about getting burned. He told the bad taste joke about Richard Pryor. He told the joke about Richard Pryor. He talked about his upbringing.

He talked about, you know, he was raised in a whorehouse. He had a horrible dark upbringing. He was so raw. That was the beauty of him. He was lovable. He was raw. He was real. He would not exist today, could not exist today if he was starting now, but it worked then. And it's a shame that that's one of the, that he's the Picasso of what we do. And Picasso can't live anymore. They can't try anymore. They can't really.

And we don't know. Unlike an artist, a painter, the only place that we could try our material to really know if it's going to do is public, and whether it's social media or whatever, because how do we know? Sometimes we think we always look for stage time to hear the laughter. If we can't hear the laughter and we're sitting at home

and we text something, we see the response. That's hysterical. People share it. Oh, that's good. That's good. I'm going to put and we text something, we see the response. That's hysterical. People share it. Oh, that's good. That's good. I'm going to put that in my act. I'll do that. That's good.

That's not good. We should not be crucified for saying something. I promise you. I'm going to say a lot of stupid things. I do. A lot of stupid things come into my head, a lot of things that are inappropriate, things that I shouldn't say. If anybody gets hurt, I apologize, but it's a real hard time time for every you find that audiences yeah you just i was just going to ask that question you find that it's these are pc times i'm talking about seinfeld said he wasn't

going to play colleges anymore college because of it because of any other place and you think kids would be more open to it no pc is is killing it you find that gilbert i yeah and and I I remembered you know like I got fired because I joked about the tsunami and I somebody tweeted me and it was my favorite tweet he said Affleck fires Gilbert Gottfried after discovering he's a comedian but that's true and that's it that's. It's so sad and such a statement beyond, you know, listen, my heart goes out to you and whatever loss you had for that. But it's such a sad statement of where our society is today. Because at the same time, when we are in conflicts all over the world and young men and women are giving their lives and we are fighting for freedom. What is the freedom that we are fighting for freedom. What is the freedom that we are fighting for? Because really our own people are taking away the freedom. You can't say that.

You can't do that. You can't act like that. So really there's a great dichotomy. So this conversation about comedy has gotten really dark and there probably is something to be said funny about it, but it is a very serious, serious conversation that, you know, it's not like it was, Gilbert. It's not like it was, but I'm still thrilled to both of us. I think we're lucky guys that we get to do what we do. We get to work. We didn't finish high school, and we're both still here and we get to do what we do. We get to work. We didn't finish high school. And we're both still here and making a living doing what we love. And he's one of the last guys still doing really politically incorrect material on stage.

And getting away with it. I hope to God he never stops. What Gilbert is known for is beyond being brilliant. And I think it's shocking that you didn't go to college because you have a great understanding of human nature. And you seem to be a lot more educated than maybe the formal education would have given you. But you were always cringeworthy, you know. No, but in a positive way. Yes.

I remember because it's a different time. But I remember walking in New York in the 70s and going to a club. And, you know, I walked into a club and saw Gilbert posing as Christ on the cover of TV Guide. He was pictures on TV Guide, you know. And at that time, you go, oh, my God. You know, because you know there's going to be some very religious people in the audience. And it was fun to not only hear the joke and guffaw about whatever it was he was saying, but look at the audience go, oh my God, I can't believe he said that.

Well, he hasn't given in to the times in many ways. And he should never. He's one of the few comics that are still doing funny Asian voices on stage. It's brilliant. Keeping the Mickey Rooney traditional life. Well, I remember

when Michael Richards got in trouble. And there, too, at a club. But now everyone's got a phone that records everything. So he got in trouble and the owner of that club then started saying anyone who uses that

word he used the n-word on stage so anyone who uses that word is going to be sued and they're going to take this amount of money out of his pay and i was thinking, wouldn't it – I would rather go to a club where they say, hey, you might get offended. You might get really shocked and angry. But we're not censoring anything. As a comedian, yes. But as – I see both sides of this. As a businessman, Jamie – it's good for the comedian. As a businessman, I think that the public will go – if he promotes that, that you will not see anything that offensive here, I think that a lot of Americans will say we can go to that club because we're not going to be offended and we know that's a good club and we can go to it.

Because it makes them feel good about themselves. So you're not buying tickets. They're buying tickets. So who's he serving? And I also feel like people pat themselves on the back when they're offended. Like, oh, I was offended by that. I'm a good person. Well, they become the spokesperson for the cause.

You know, and everybody I like that people are passionate about a cause and do something for a cause. It's just that, you know, you've got to put things into perspective. Listen, everybody alive can be offended and suffers

and everybody's got a cross to bear and, you know I will say things and I will apologize and I will hurt people's feelings but I'm much more cautious than I ever was when I was a young kid coming up and that's sad

Can we ask you about working with Blake Edwards? I love working with Blake Edwards He told me a story that I quoted in my book. And the one story was he said, and this kind of reminded me of myself and a lot of comics. But he told a story about Bafo, about this guy who goes to a psychiatrist because he's darkly depressed. Oh, I know. You know this story?

Yeah. Yeah, I think people have told this story before, but he goes and, and the guy gives him, you know, psychotherapy and there's nothing he can do. The guy's in the fetal position and he's crying and he's like on the edge. He wants to take his life. He just wants to shoot himself in the head. And he goes back another time and they prescribe medication and medication doesn't do it and the psychiatrist is at his wits end and he says, I've got one more remedy. If this doesn't work, nothing's going to work and you probably won't survive.

And he goes, well, what's the one more thing? He goes, the circus is in town. Bafo the Clown is this world-renowned clown who makes everyone laugh. There is nobody, it doesn't matter what language, how old you are, there is nobody that sees Bafo the Clown that doesn't laugh. And if I could just get you to laugh, you know, laughter does release endorphins, and it'll turn you around, but he makes every, people almost die laughing.

People are in throngs of people in the stands are laughing at Bafo. They can't even stop laughing. The show goes on for an hour longer than it should be because nobody could stop laughing. This guy is laughter, the epitome of laughter. I just, I got two tickets tonight.

I'm taking you. You will sit and you will watch Bafo the Clown and nobody who's ever seen him can stop laughing. And he turned to the psychiatrist and he said i am boff of the clown and i thought that was pretty emblematic of you know comedians you know because sometimes the dichotomy between the outside and the inside and that's who

blake edwards was he was like a tortured soul who made some of the greatest comedies of our time. He really did. Laughter is a great bridge. Laughter has brought me together with a friend like Gilbert. Laughter has allowed me to be on this podcast. Except for that lunch in Chicago. Laughter brings us together. Phlegm. On that note, thank you Gilbert. Thank that note... Thank you, Gilbert.

Thank you, Frank. Thank you. Next time, we'll do it again. Next time, we'll go through some of these other cards and questions. Yeah, you got it. We never got to.

But we got through the two sheets. We got through Gilbert's sheets. Well, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and our guest and friend, Howie Mandel. Thank you.

Thanks, Howie.